ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s,
everyone had their favorite guitar-shredding rock god.
But there's only one musical bad boy
who rocked my world.
Weird Al.
Dare to be stupid?
You know it!
Weird Al made me want to write comedy.
The way he'd parody a pop song never ceased to amaze me.
Is that my Cher wig from Halloween?
Darn right.
Can I borrow some hair spray? I think I need more body.
You are so weird.
Weird Al even inspired me to write my own parody songs.
Good news, bro.
I've decided to honor you in song.
It's about time!
You know the Wang Chung song Everybody have fun tonight?
Well, I changed all the lyrics to make them all about you.
Ah, you've improved the song. Let's hear it.
¶ Everybody have fun tonight
¶ My brother Barry is a wang tonight
¶ Barry's gonna kick your ass tonight ¶
Yep, Weird Al was my comic muse,
and I finally had the chance to see him live.
Mom, I have the single greatest news on the planet.
You have that terrible disease that makes you stop growing,
and you're gonna stay my little schmoopie forever.
No. Weird Al is playing at the Mann Music Center.
And you want to take your mama as your date. Aw.
Stop hearing what you want and listen.
He has two shows this week,
and Dana's in town visiting her grandma.
I'll surprise her with tickets!
While I find his Hawaiian shirts festive,
you're much too young
to go to a family-friendly comedy show unsupervised.
Please, you have to say yes. Dana's the love of my life.
(GROANS)
I mean, after you. (GROANS)
The best mama in the world.
(GROANS)
I'll let you sniff the top of my head for two seconds.
Thirty. Five.
Ten. Five.
Thirty. Done.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
¶ I'm twisted up inside
¶ But nonetheless I feel the need to say
¶ I don't know the future
¶ But the past keeps getting clearer every day ¶
ADULT ADAM: It was February 12, 1980-something,
the day my brother actually got involved in school.
What's that? Just a lame old sign-up sheet
for kids that want to become peer counselors.
(CHUCKLES) It's a boring old club for nerds.
You're not a nerd, are you?
'Cause this here, this is nerd city.
Sign me up. What? No.
You're underselling it,
which means it's awesome, and I want in.
(SIGHS)
Look, Mr. Goldberg, I have dreamt of starting
a peer-counseling program at this school for years.
I need emotionally mature students
who are a healing presence in school.
Well, you just got yourself
an officially licensed school therapist.
No! Wow. Do not tell people that.
It's too late. I signed the sheet,
which means I can advise anyone on anything,
and they have to listen to me.
That's not what it means.
Fellas, I've recently become a fully licensed and bonded
medical psychiatrist, so if any of you want
to work through your personal issues, this is your safe space.
I really miss my grandpa.
You're short, be taller. Boom. Next!
There's this girl I like,
but she won't give me the time of day.
Well, that's 'cause you suck at nunchucks, bro.
The fastest way to a girl's heart is some sweet chuckin'.
Boom. Next!
I feel like my father doesn't respect me.
So be less boring.
Boom! Next! No, stop!
No one listen to a word this douche-monger just said.
Naked Rob, just open up to your dad a bit.
Nothing earns respect more
than being honest with how you feel.
And, Andy, it's perfectly normal to miss your grandpa,
no matter what size you are.
And, you, this girl, who's clearly me,
just wants to be friends.
My heart hurts, but I appreciate the open communication,
and it only makes me like you more.
Well, well.
God gives you one Goldberg and counters it with another.
You're right. She's the worst.
JTP out.
Erica, look, I'm not gonna beat around the bush about this.
I need you to become a peer counselor.
You're smart, you're popular, and only you can undo
the terrible damage that your brother
is going to wreak upon this school.
I appreciate the offer, but--
I'll give you an "A" in any class you want.
What? You can do that?
Open up a file cabinet and make a mark with my pen?
(CHUCKLES) Yeah, I can do that.
Seems wrong to give me an "A" in gym
when I've been cutting all year.
That said, I won't notice
'cause I'll be too busy counseling peers and stuff.
(CHUCKLES) Deal. (MILK CARTON CLATTERS)
Here's your informational binder
and your therapy puppet.
This is usually for smaller kids,
but the burners like it, too. (CHUCKLES)
ADULT ADAM: As Erica was getting ready to connect with others,
I was about to reconnect with the love of my life.
Hi, Mrs. Goldberg.
Dana.
I brought you some coffee beans from Seattle.
Aw. That is so thoughtful for someone who drinks coffee.
I don't. I'm a tea drinker.
You've known me for two years,
but thanks for the partial gift, Dana.
That's very sweet. (CHUCKLES)
Adam, Dana brought me a bag of beans!
Dana Eleanor Caldwell, are you ready for the greatest,
most romantic weekend of your life?
(GIGGLES) In this box,
I've prepared our greatest hits,
and we're gonna tackle each one.
Laser tag, ALF marathon,
Super Mario Bros.,
pogo ball.
You in? Um, sure, it's been a while.
Come on! Pogo balling is just like riding a bike.
Oh! We should also ride bikes.
Classic us. (GIGGLES)
ADULT ADAM: But to our surprise,
our greatest hits suddenly felt like misses.
Pogoing on a ball is fun.
Well, it's kind of hard in these jellies.
But they're cute, right?
Yeah, they're shoes.
We were off to a slow start,
but a romantic Beefaroni dinner would change that.
Is it me, or did your tree house get smaller?
No. Same size.
Guess it's us who got bigger.
You want an Ecto Cooler?
Chef Boyardee himself recommends it with the beef.
Yeah, I'm just gonna grab a Perrier.
(THUDS)
Balls!
Maybe I should spend a little time with my grandma.
No, wait!
I actually have a big surprise for you.
You and me are going to our first rock concert together!
No way! Who is it?
Only the greatest artist of our time.
Madonna? Better!
The Police? Better!
Michael Jackson? Well, he's worked with all three,
but in a way, he's improved their work
by making it super funny!
(GASPS) Weird Al Yankovic!
The guy who sings about food.
Sure, some songs are about food, like Eat it, Lasagna,
I love rocky road, and My bologna.
But he also sings about love and life and hernias!
I didn't realize you were still into him.
And the best part...
I got us Al shirts to wear to the concert.
Ladies' choice. (CHUCKLES)
But if I were a lady,
I'd want to see my man in a jungle tiger pattern.
Rawr!
As I was planning our big date,
Erica helped Naked Rob make a big breakthrough.
I can't thank you enough for all the help with my dad.
I really think we turned a corner.
That's my job, Naked Robert. I'm here for you.
So great to have someone I can trust and--
How dare you! What?
Healing my nutjob friends behind my back?
You're not legally authorized for that.
Only I am! Not anymore, pal.
Mr. Glascott asked me, and you know what?
It feels awesome to actually help people.
Unlike you, who just leaves behind a wake of broken souls.
All you did was charm Naked Rob with your feminine wiles.
If it was anyone else, I'd totally out-counsel you.
It's adorable you think that.
Then I challenge you to a counsel-off.
Name anyone.
First one to fix that person's brain
is crowned champion adviser.
First of all, not a word,
and second, when you lose, you quit.
Same goes for you, sucker.
Go ahead. Pick anybody.
The more depressed, the better.
Do you even know what the signs of depression actually are?
Of course!
I just need you to say them so you can understand them better.
(SIGHS) Fine. Number one, fatigue.
Will you two stop yapping? I'm exhausted from a hard day.
Number two, lethargy.
(GROANING) Oh, so far.
Number three, irritability.
I told you two morons, put the remote in the side pocket!
Four, persistent aches and pains.
(GROANS) Oh, now I hurt my back from stretching!
Five, mood swings.
Eh, Love Boat's on!
And finally, sudden exhaustion.
(SNORING)
BOTH: Dad!
All right, first one to fix that man's
crippling depression wins.
This is gonna be really hard.
(SNORING)
ADULT ADAM: As Erica and Barry were playing therapist,
Dana and I were playing Mario Bros.,
but even though we were on the same side,
we felt miles apart.
Hey, snuggle bunny, and also Dana.
Gear up, we're gonna leave in five minutes.
Even though we all agree
Adam should be taking me to his first comedy concert.
The good news is Adam will be all yours soon enough.
What do you mean? Look at how they're playing "super immigrant plumbers."
Their thumbs are in it, but their hearts aren't.
No way. Adam and Dana are as solid as ever.
Did you see them pogo ball?
That's a sport for lovers,
and they were just going through the motions.
Oh, my God. No!
Adam and Dana are so wonderful together!
Since when do you like Dana?
I adore the girl.
Got to say, I'm surprised,
given all the passive-aggressive interactions,
not to mention the aggressive-aggressive ones.
But deep down, I think she's sweet and kind and beautiful,
and it helps that she lives 3,000 miles away
and I get Adam 98% of the time!
That's the whole problem right there, Bevy.
They've been apart too long.
Let's hope that Weird Al is just what they need
to bring them back together.
What?
CROWD: (CHANTING) Weird Al!
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, Weird Al!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
Oh, my God. This is amazing!
We got to get a photo of the two of us.
Yeah, that'd be nice!
Make sure you get Weird Al's whole body in it.
(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)
ADULT ADAM: Barry and Erica's counsel-off was on.
It was a mano-a-mano battle
of who could fix Dad first.
Hey, big guy.
How you feeling today? You look sad.
Are you sad? Can I help?
I'm not giving you money. I'm not here for money.
I'm here for you.
You're afraid to open up to me.
Feels like we can tackle this with some word association.
You ready? No.
Abandonment. Stop.
Family. Go!
Love. Leave!
You seem angry, bro.
Know what cures me when I'm angry?
Screaming into something.
Here. Try my rage pillow.
It'll make you feel better.
What? You're supposed to yell in it, not throw it at me!
What's the matter with you? That's my favorite pillow!
I do feel better.
ERICA: Hey, Mur-man.
It's safe to tell me your dark secrets.
What's with the puppet? What's going on?
Get out of here!
You're getting sleepy. When you wake up--
What the hell's wrong with you two?
Forget what that dope's doing.
All I'm looking for is a smile on your face.
Let me see that smile. Yeah, smile for Barry.
No. Shut up.
Smile for Erica! Fine.
If I smile, will you both leave?
Mmm-hmm.
That's your smile? Why? God, what is that?
Yeah, this is what you wanted.
It's so wrong and disturbing!
Look at it! Stop it!
Look at the joy on my face! Are you my dad?
Now get over here and hug me!
This was a terrible mistake! I'm so sorry!
No, wait! Don't leave me alone with that face! Oh, my God!
That's right! Run!
Okay, that didn't count.
Just pick someone else we can counselor-ate.
Forget the competition!
Don't you realize we have a dad who can't even smile?
That's like an actual problem.
I see what you're saying.
You forfeit! Barry wins. The puppet's mine.
Forget the puppet! I want the puppet!
Take the stupid puppet. I'll just help Dad myself.
Damn it. You've made this a hollow victory.
And now I'm worried. Wait up.
As Barry and Erica were on a mission to help my dad,
I was on a mission to meet my hero.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) Look! There he is!
His glasses are so much bigger in real life.
People, please, please, please, settle down.
No, we're too far back.
Come on. Let's elbow our way to the front.
Can we maybe just do something more fun instead?
How can you say that?
Wasn't it fun when we slow-danced
to I Think I'm a Clone Now?
Only 'cause I like the Tiffany song.
I closed my eyes and imagined the original lyrics.
You faked it?
I just don't like Weird Al like I used to, okay?
Ouch!
Not gonna lie, random child. That stings.
Oh, God. I'm sorry, Mr. Weird.
Mr. Al. She didn't mean it.
Sounded like she did, bro.
Please don't judge me by her words.
I don't even know her. Adam!
How do you know my name, strange lady?
Seriously? You're picking him over me?
I don't know what to do!
I've never been asked to choose between
two people I love equally.
I'm so out of here.
Fine! Go!
I'll just be here cold chillin' with my new best buddy, Al.
Ooh. (CHUCKLES) I really wouldn't make me part of your plan.
Look. I didn't even want to be here.
I just wanted to hang out,
not ride bikes or play laser tag or pogo ball.
What are you saying? I just don't think we get each other anymore.
Ooh!
She looks super mad!
Kind of like that time I asked Prince
if I could turn When doves cry into When spuds fry.
You know, spuds are potatoes.
No, it's genius.
It's just... things are so bad with Dana.
You know, sounds to me like
you and Agnes just drifted apart.
Doesn't mean you don't love each other, Todd.
You just grew up.
As Dana was slipping away, Erica and Barry were trying
to get a grip on my dad's depression.
You kids made the right choice coming to old Glascott.
Let's do this.
Well, technically, we came to you for a recommendation.
And I recommended myself.
I come highly recommended. (CHUCKLES)
Look, if anyone knows the ins and outs of depression,
it's me.
I'm proud to say that I've slayed that dragon many a time.
Dad's coming down the hall. Get in position.
Mr. Goldberg.
Got your call.
What'd these morons do that I had to leave work early?
Please, have a seat, Mr. Goldberg.
We need to have a very serious discussion
about you. Me?
Your kids are concerned that you might have a real case of the blues.
Luckily, I'm here to help, and so is Carl.
He's a real sad sack, too. Why don't you two talk?
(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Hey, Mr. Goldberg.
What's up, buddy?
What's with everybody and puppets?
You can talk to me.
Is that what this is all about?
You're worried about me?
You're very moody and sleepy and angry.
And you sit a lot. I'm not depressed.
I'm a dad!
(NORMAL VOICE) Let me get this straight.
You don't struggle getting out of bed every morning
because, what's the point? No.
You don't desperately fear being alone again at Thanksgiving?
No. You've never faced the bottom of an ice-cream pint
and thought, "Screw it. I'm going again"?
No. You don't write "Help me"
in the steam on the shower door?
What? Nothing.
Okay, well, look. I'm glad that we could help you, Mr. Goldberg.
If you guys don't mind, I need to take a personal day.
Hey, kiddo.
I know you're hurting, but you're never gonna be
over one girl until you're under the next.
Whoa! Shut the (BLEEP) up, Dad.
What he means is don't give up on Dana.
We can still fix this.
But Al's my number one hero, and I believe anything he says.
What exactly did Weird Al say to you?
All that matters is that he was right.
People change and love dies.
ADULT ADAM: At that moment, all my mom wanted
was to fix my broken heart.
And so she did the only logical thing.
Weird Al! Over here, Weird Al!
We need to talk! It's about love!
(CLATTERS) Who said that?
Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me.
Who is this who speaks of love?
(SIGHS) Beverly Goldberg.
I'm sure you remember my delicious boy, Adam. Of course.
Super-tall mute dude with dreadlocks and a droopy eye?
Please tell him I said...
No, look. You made him think his relationship was over,
and now you're gonna fix it.
It's not happening. Oh, it's happening.
You're gonna get on that tour bus,
take it into the suburbs, and put on a private concert
for Adam and Dana with all their favorite songs.
Such as? Every rose has its thorn.
Every toe has its corn?
The wind beneath my wings.
The bed above my springs.
Material girl. Bacterial Earl!
Heaven is a place on earth.
Kevin is a dude with girth.
Careless whisper.
Your hairless sister.
Fight the power. Smell the flounder?
Stop it. Listen.
A private concert isn't gonna bring those kids back together.
But do you know what can? A mother's love.
You think? Yes.
Only you can fix this.
Their future is in your hands.
Thank you, Weird Al.
Thank you so much.
(GIGGLES)
Move it! I need to fix my baby's relationship.
Okay, why do I even pay for security?
She was clearly crazy, and you just stood there! Ugh!
ADULT ADAM: After some sage advice from Weird Al,
my mom decided to put on a show of her own.
There he is! Come on in, smushie.
You know Dana. Have a seat.
Oh, God. What have you done?
What is this? Why are you here?
All I'm asking is for a minute of your time.
After that, you can both move on with your lives. Please.
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)
Now, what I'm about to show you
was gonna be played at your wedding,
so when the day comes, act surprised.
(BEVERLY CHUCKLES)
Remember this?
DANA: Wow, I actually do.
I lost my kite, and you gave me yours.
I was so nervous talking to you.
That was the night of our first kiss.
Yeah. Best birthday ever.
Wait. Were you, like, lurking around the whole time? No.
Then how did you-- Moving on.
Dude, were you spying on us?
What? No.
I was cleaning the closet, and, you know--
Shh! Just focus on your love.
ADAM: What the...
You took that hanging off the roof?
A photographer does what she needs to do to get the shot.
The point is, it's always been Adam and Dana.
You can't just throw that away.
Enough! All those photos are in the past.
There's nothing to show now
'cause Dana lives in Seattle and I'm stuck here.
It just isn't the same.
He's right.
Seeing those photos, it's... It's not us anymore.
I just wish you two didn't leave it like this.
You deserve so much better.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I just thought I could fix it.
I'm kind of surprised.
I always thought you didn't like me.
Oh, Dana.
You'll always be the best first love my baby could have.
Besides me, of course.
(CHUCKLES)
ADULT ADAM: In that moment, Dana realized
my mom was right.
We couldn't leave it like this.
(KING OF SUEDE PLAYING)
¶ There's a sale on our Gabardine suits today
(WINDOW OPENS)
¶ They're all 30% off from yesterday What are you doing?
This is how you won me over two years ago.
So this is how I want to say goodbye.
¶ There's Fortrel polyester, leather, wool, and tweed
You're playing Weird Al.
I thought you don't like him anymore.
I may have outgrown him,
but it doesn't mean I still don't like him.
I just thought we'd be together forever, you know?
And maybe we will.
But for now,
I think we're supposed to be apart.
That still doesn't change the fact
that you will always be my first crush.
My first kiss.
My first love.
You keep it. To remember me.
I will always remember you, Adam.
¶ 30 years in the same location I have stayed
ADULT ADAM: Truth is, it wasn't how I saw things ending
with the girl from down the street,
but part of growing up
is learning when it's time to move on.
Hey, can we talk?
No. Not about feelings.
We just want to apologize.
Yeah, we didn't realize you being so lazy and angry
is actually you crazy happy.
I'm a simple guy. I sit in my chair. I watch TV.
I yell at you two morons.
And honestly, that's my happy place.
Well, it's good to know we don't have to worry about you.
Hey, that means you care.
You know, now would be a perfect time
for you to actually smile.
Pass. Worth a try.
¶ Well, I never made it past the second grade
In the end, Erica and Barry did make my dad smile,
and they also discovered there was someone else in the house
who could use their help. Hey, what's wrong?
Just packing up my greatest hits with Dana.
It's over.
Oh, God. I'm so sorry.
You want to talk about it? No.
Come on. Let's go to Wawa. Tastykakes on me?
¶ 30 years in the same location I have stayed
ADULT ADAM: That's the thing about growing up.
You try to hold on to things until you realize
maybe change is a good thing, and if you're lucky,
your family is there to guide you through it all.
¶ 'Cause it's my destiny to be the King of Suede ¶
(LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING)
Roll it! Roll it!
Are you kidding me? No, I won't sing it!
Bar, our little brother needs our love and support right now.
A good parody song is gonna help.
That would make me feel better.
(GROANS) Fine.
1, 2, 3, 4.
¶ Everybody have fun tonight
¶ My brother Barry is a wang tonight
¶ Brother Barry's so dumb tonight
¶ Can't even tell his left from right
Barry, take it!
¶ My brother Barry is a stupid jerk ¶
I can't! I can't do this!
Where's my rage pillow?
(MUFFLED SCREAMING)
You know, this song's actually kind of funny.
I know! And that's exactly why I sent Weird Al a demo.
¶ My brother Barry is a wang tonight ¶
Who's this Barry?
This song offers no context!
Total amateurs!