1
00:00:00,067 --> 00:00:02,234
ADULT ADAM:
Back in the '80s before
we could easily text money
2
00:00:02,236 --> 00:00:05,237
to any charity we wished,
we had the world-famous
charity craze
3
00:00:05,239 --> 00:00:07,740
that completely
swept the entire country.
4
00:00:07,742 --> 00:00:10,776
Hands Across America.
It's happening
this weekend,
5
00:00:10,778 --> 00:00:14,113
and you will not make
coach look bad.
6
00:00:14,115 --> 00:00:14,913
All right, listen up.
7
00:00:14,915 --> 00:00:17,216
This limited-edition,
government-issued visor
8
00:00:17,218 --> 00:00:20,719
means that I have been
personally appointed
regional captain
9
00:00:20,721 --> 00:00:22,021
because I volunteered.
10
00:00:22,023 --> 00:00:24,423
It is my duty to make sure
everybody in this town
11
00:00:24,425 --> 00:00:27,359
forms a human chain
to stop the homeless.
12
00:00:27,361 --> 00:00:28,927
Questions.
13
00:00:29,263 --> 00:00:30,029
Goldberg.
14
00:00:30,031 --> 00:00:31,964
Isn't it kind of mean
to form a chain
15
00:00:31,966 --> 00:00:33,866
and not let
the homeless people
pass through?
16
00:00:33,868 --> 00:00:34,900
That was
my first thought, too,
17
00:00:34,902 --> 00:00:36,969
but it was explained to me
that we would be allowing
18
00:00:36,971 --> 00:00:39,138
the homeless to come
and go as they please.
19
00:00:39,140 --> 00:00:40,305
Goldberg again.
20
00:00:40,307 --> 00:00:40,973
Still confused.
21
00:00:40,975 --> 00:00:42,574
Um, how does holding hands
help anyone?
22
00:00:42,576 --> 00:00:45,277
Hello. Everyone
in America is gonna
hold hands at once
23
00:00:45,279 --> 00:00:46,879
to show we are
symbolically unified
24
00:00:46,881 --> 00:00:48,981
in our fight
to end homelessness.
25
00:00:48,983 --> 00:00:49,748
It's beautiful, really.
26
00:00:49,750 --> 00:00:52,217
Hell, I wish I had
more than two hands.
27
00:00:52,219 --> 00:00:52,985
Yes, we get it.
28
00:00:52,987 --> 00:00:55,154
You're the
socially aware girl.
29
00:00:55,156 --> 00:00:58,657
No reason to showboat
about it, other Goldberg.
30
00:00:58,659 --> 00:00:59,458
I'll stop talking.
31
00:00:59,460 --> 00:01:02,628
Now, in the spirit
of the event,
32
00:01:02,630 --> 00:01:04,663
let's hit the floor
and practice.
33
00:01:04,665 --> 00:01:07,132
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
Let's go! Move it!
34
00:01:07,134 --> 00:01:08,901
Grab and squeeze, people!
35
00:01:08,903 --> 00:01:10,602
Interlace those fingers!
36
00:01:10,604 --> 00:01:11,203
Engage every digit!
37
00:01:11,205 --> 00:01:14,940
I want to see hustle,
and I want
to see determination!
38
00:01:14,942 --> 00:01:17,276
Yeah! Let me feel it!
39
00:01:17,411 --> 00:01:20,512
There it is.
A chain.
40
00:01:26,454 --> 00:01:27,553
¶ I'm twisted up inside
41
00:01:27,555 --> 00:01:32,324
¶ But nonetheless,
I feel the need to say
42
00:01:34,195 --> 00:01:34,993
¶ I don't know the future
43
00:01:34,995 --> 00:01:38,363
¶ But the past keeps getting
clearer every day ¶
44
00:01:38,365 --> 00:01:41,533
ADULT ADAM: It was the
second Wednesday of the month,
1980-something,
45
00:01:41,535 --> 00:01:42,634
and the Harvest Hop
was coming up.
46
00:01:42,636 --> 00:01:45,804
It was the first dance
where you had
to ask someone.
47
00:01:45,806 --> 00:01:47,506
I mean, seriously,
why do I have to wait
48
00:01:47,508 --> 00:01:50,275
for some meathead
to ask me
to a lame-ass dance?
49
00:01:50,277 --> 00:01:52,411
Because that's how
society works.
50
00:01:52,413 --> 00:01:52,978
Count me out.
51
00:01:52,980 --> 00:01:55,047
Well, I have it
on good authority
52
00:01:55,049 --> 00:01:57,583
that Adam Abel is going
to ask someone today.
53
00:01:57,585 --> 00:02:00,385
(SCOFFS) I could give
a crap about that nerd.
54
00:02:00,387 --> 00:02:02,154
(GASPS)
He's coming this way.
55
00:02:02,156 --> 00:02:03,355
Go, go, go!
56
00:02:03,357 --> 00:02:04,389
Hey.
57
00:02:04,391 --> 00:02:08,794
Pam, you, um, have a date
to the dance and stuff?
58
00:02:08,796 --> 00:02:10,863
PAM: (CHUCKLES) No.
59
00:02:11,499 --> 00:02:13,432
Are you okay?
60
00:02:13,434 --> 00:02:15,033
(BLOWS RASPBERRIES)
61
00:02:15,035 --> 00:02:16,468
Yeah. (CHUCKLES)
62
00:02:16,470 --> 00:02:17,836
Why wouldn't I be?
63
00:02:17,838 --> 00:02:19,438
(SOBBING)
64
00:02:19,440 --> 00:02:22,274
You sure you're okay?
No, genius.
65
00:02:22,276 --> 00:02:24,443
I'm like the only girl
who didn't get asked.
66
00:02:24,445 --> 00:02:25,677
That's
freaking humiliating.
67
00:02:25,679 --> 00:02:30,415
Well, you can always
go with your awesome
best friend.
68
00:02:30,417 --> 00:02:31,150
Ew.
69
00:02:31,152 --> 00:02:32,951
Stop!
It'll be fun.
70
00:02:32,953 --> 00:02:34,386
We can goof on everyone.
71
00:02:34,388 --> 00:02:35,754
Dana can't fly out
to go with me.
72
00:02:35,756 --> 00:02:38,157
This way
we're not total losers
without dates.
73
00:02:38,159 --> 00:02:40,425
Normally, I'd roll my eyes
and punch you,
74
00:02:40,427 --> 00:02:43,162
but honestly,
I'm desperate, so yes.
75
00:02:43,164 --> 00:02:44,730
Dear God, yes.
76
00:02:44,732 --> 00:02:46,031
Get off me, dork.
77
00:02:46,033 --> 00:02:48,100
You're
a complicated person.
78
00:02:48,102 --> 00:02:49,835
ADULT ADAM: Turns out,
the only good thing
79
00:02:49,837 --> 00:02:51,203
about having
a girlfriend in Seattle
80
00:02:51,205 --> 00:02:53,839
was I was completely free
to help out a friend.
81
00:02:53,841 --> 00:02:55,908
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Or not.
82
00:02:55,910 --> 00:02:56,775
Surprise!
What? Why?
83
00:02:56,777 --> 00:03:00,612
My grandma broke her hip,
so my parents
are letting me visit her.
84
00:03:00,614 --> 00:03:01,647
So lucky.
85
00:03:01,649 --> 00:03:03,882
For us.
She's bummed.
86
00:03:03,884 --> 00:03:05,450
So we get to go
to the dance!
87
00:03:05,452 --> 00:03:07,286
Yeah, about the dance.
88
00:03:07,288 --> 00:03:09,254
Oh, my God.
You're not excited.
89
00:03:09,256 --> 00:03:12,891
You're going
with someone else?
Are we not us anymore?
90
00:03:12,893 --> 00:03:14,626
No, of course we're us.
91
00:03:14,628 --> 00:03:18,931
I'm going with you,
my girlfriend,
who I love.
92
00:03:18,933 --> 00:03:20,332
Mmm!
93
00:03:20,334 --> 00:03:21,300
I'm so excited.
94
00:03:21,302 --> 00:03:22,267
Me also excited.
95
00:03:22,269 --> 00:03:24,670
ADULT ADAM: As I was reeling
from my two dates
to the dance,
96
00:03:24,672 --> 00:03:27,773
my mom was reeling
after a visit
with Virginia Kremp.
97
00:03:27,775 --> 00:03:30,842
BEVERLY: Is that
your family at the
flower show again?
98
00:03:30,844 --> 00:03:33,745
The Inquirer
put your picture
in the paper last year.
99
00:03:33,747 --> 00:03:36,648
Oh, well, Charles won
top florist again.
100
00:03:36,650 --> 00:03:39,952
His topiary of Rosa Parks
was the real star.
101
00:03:39,954 --> 00:03:41,353
Well, all I know
is you got another
102
00:03:41,355 --> 00:03:43,322
stunning picture
of your whole family.
103
00:03:43,324 --> 00:03:45,757
You're like the freaking
Kennedys of Jenkintown.
104
00:03:45,759 --> 00:03:48,126
Please, no, we're not.
Do people
really say that?
105
00:03:48,128 --> 00:03:51,964
I'd give anything
to have just one photo
of me and my babies
106
00:03:51,966 --> 00:03:54,566
looking that happy
on the front page
of the paper.
107
00:03:54,568 --> 00:03:56,768
Well, Barry did make
the paper for that time
108
00:03:56,770 --> 00:03:58,403
he got in the fight
with the service horse.
109
00:03:58,405 --> 00:04:00,439
He really thought
it was his apple.
110
00:04:00,441 --> 00:04:01,740
Horses are tricky.
Yeah.
111
00:04:01,742 --> 00:04:02,908
ADULT ADAM:
Little did my mom know
112
00:04:02,910 --> 00:04:05,744
her photo op
was right around the corner.
113
00:04:05,746 --> 00:04:06,979
BEVERLY: Oh, my God.
114
00:04:06,981 --> 00:04:10,649
Are you two
crafting together?
115
00:04:10,851 --> 00:04:11,416
By choice?
116
00:04:11,418 --> 00:04:13,352
No, no, no, calm down.
We're not crafting.
117
00:04:13,354 --> 00:04:16,121
We're just making art
with construction paper,
118
00:04:16,123 --> 00:04:18,890
markers, and glitter
for public display.
119
00:04:18,892 --> 00:04:20,058
That's crafting.
120
00:04:20,060 --> 00:04:20,993
Fine, we're crafting.
121
00:04:20,995 --> 00:04:23,528
We need to spread the word
about Hands Across America.
122
00:04:23,530 --> 00:04:25,797
Yeah, I don't know
about that whole thing.
123
00:04:25,799 --> 00:04:26,665
Hands have germs.
124
00:04:26,667 --> 00:04:29,134
Think of all those colds
passing across the country
125
00:04:29,136 --> 00:04:30,669
like a big
bacteria highway. Ugh.
126
00:04:30,671 --> 00:04:34,373
Whatever. I'm doing it
because it'll help
people in real need.
127
00:04:34,375 --> 00:04:37,476
And I'm doing it
for the celebrity contact.
128
00:04:37,478 --> 00:04:39,778
Hoping to hold hands
with Heather Locklear.
129
00:04:39,780 --> 00:04:40,846
No. Alyssa Milano.
130
00:04:40,848 --> 00:04:43,181
No. KITT, the car
from Knight Rider.
131
00:04:43,183 --> 00:04:45,183
You can't hold hands
with a car, idiot.
132
00:04:45,185 --> 00:04:47,319
I'll hold the antenna.
Wait a minute.
133
00:04:47,321 --> 00:04:48,387
Celebrities
are doing this?
134
00:04:48,389 --> 00:04:51,890
Yeah, downtown Philly
actually nabbed Scott Baio.
135
00:04:51,892 --> 00:04:54,159
From Happy Days
and Chachi In Charge?
136
00:04:54,161 --> 00:04:54,893
Don't forget Zapped!
137
00:04:54,895 --> 00:04:58,363
Where he uses
his magic powers
to lift girls' dresses.
138
00:04:58,365 --> 00:04:58,997
Turn that off.
139
00:04:58,999 --> 00:05:01,066
Point is this thing's
gonna be a huge deal.
140
00:05:01,068 --> 00:05:03,669
It's literally going to be
on the front page
of all the papers.
141
00:05:03,671 --> 00:05:06,271
You mean
like newspapers?
142
00:05:06,273 --> 00:05:10,075
Like the kind
that take pictures
of moms and their kids?
143
00:05:10,077 --> 00:05:11,643
What?
144
00:05:14,181 --> 00:05:14,946
What happened?
145
00:05:14,948 --> 00:05:17,449
I want to help
with Hands Across America.
146
00:05:17,451 --> 00:05:18,817
Okay.
And by help, I mean
147
00:05:18,819 --> 00:05:21,086
push you aside
and take over entirely.
148
00:05:21,088 --> 00:05:22,020
I said okay.
Really?
149
00:05:22,022 --> 00:05:25,557
I'm in way over my head.
They want me to organize,
make posters.
150
00:05:25,559 --> 00:05:27,025
They gave me a pen
and a ledger.
151
00:05:27,027 --> 00:05:28,360
I don't know what to do
with them.
152
00:05:28,362 --> 00:05:29,761
To record the donations.
153
00:05:29,763 --> 00:05:30,429
Oh, no, I...
154
00:05:30,431 --> 00:05:32,764
I've been putting
everybody's cash
in a bag.
155
00:05:32,766 --> 00:05:33,832
Well, there must be
thousands there.
156
00:05:33,834 --> 00:05:37,202
I don't know.
I'm a gym teacher,
I'm not a count teacher.
157
00:05:37,204 --> 00:05:37,936
You mean a math teacher?
158
00:05:37,938 --> 00:05:39,805
I don't know.
I'm not an
English teacher, either.
159
00:05:39,807 --> 00:05:40,939
Did you at least get us
a celebrity?
160
00:05:40,941 --> 00:05:44,409
No, th...
We can't compete
with Philly.
161
00:05:44,411 --> 00:05:46,345
Philly is the Paris
of Pennsylvania.
162
00:05:46,347 --> 00:05:49,147
They got Baio.
We got jack squat.
163
00:05:49,149 --> 00:05:49,848
You should go rest.
164
00:05:49,850 --> 00:05:51,450
ADULT ADAM: As my mom
was saving Coach Mellor,
165
00:05:51,452 --> 00:05:55,087
I was racing for the one man
who always rescued me.
166
00:05:55,089 --> 00:05:55,687
Dad.
Yes.
167
00:05:55,689 --> 00:05:57,155
I need help.
Where's Pops?
168
00:05:57,157 --> 00:05:59,024
There he is.
Thank God.
169
00:05:59,026 --> 00:06:01,293
Pops, I have two dates
to the dance.
170
00:06:01,295 --> 00:06:02,494
Way to go, kiddo!
171
00:06:02,496 --> 00:06:03,862
No, it's a bad thing.
172
00:06:03,864 --> 00:06:04,529
Oh, yeah, it is.
173
00:06:04,531 --> 00:06:07,733
No, I agreed to go
with Emmy Mirsky
to cheer her up
174
00:06:07,735 --> 00:06:08,467
but Dana flew in.
175
00:06:08,469 --> 00:06:11,236
Then just tell Emmy
you're going with Dana.
176
00:06:11,238 --> 00:06:12,471
She'll understand.
No, she won't.
177
00:06:12,473 --> 00:06:16,408
A guy dissed her,
and I saw her cry
for the first time ever.
178
00:06:16,410 --> 00:06:18,076
Then just tell Dana
you can't go with her.
179
00:06:18,078 --> 00:06:21,446
She'll freak out
if I go with
another girl,
180
00:06:21,448 --> 00:06:22,047
even if it is Emmy.
181
00:06:22,049 --> 00:06:24,316
Then take them both.
They never even
have to know.
182
00:06:24,318 --> 00:06:26,084
Like Peter did
on The Brady Bunch?
183
00:06:26,086 --> 00:06:30,622
I Brady-bunched
two ladies at a USO dance
back in '41.
184
00:06:30,624 --> 00:06:32,824
Never felt so alive.
185
00:06:32,826 --> 00:06:33,725
Stop.
186
00:06:33,727 --> 00:06:35,627
Nobody's
Brady-bunching anyone.
187
00:06:35,629 --> 00:06:37,829
You want
some real advice?
188
00:06:38,031 --> 00:06:38,830
Don't be a moron.
189
00:06:38,832 --> 00:06:41,600
Seriously?
That's your advice
for everything.
190
00:06:41,602 --> 00:06:42,968
It applies
to everything.
191
00:06:42,970 --> 00:06:45,470
I think I'm gonna stick
with Pops' advice.
192
00:06:46,707 --> 00:06:49,174
All right, time
for a TV master class
193
00:06:49,176 --> 00:06:51,109
on how to juggle
two dates at once.
194
00:06:51,111 --> 00:06:53,011
First up,
the gold standard...
195
00:06:53,013 --> 00:06:55,180
The Brady Bunch,
and I'm Peter.
196
00:06:55,182 --> 00:06:57,282
Because your weird voice
cracks just like his?
197
00:06:57,284 --> 00:06:59,384
ADULT ADAM: Despite that shot
at my self-esteem,
198
00:06:59,386 --> 00:07:01,853
I knew with the help
of my trusty TV shows,
199
00:07:01,855 --> 00:07:04,055
I could pull off
two dates at once.
200
00:07:04,057 --> 00:07:06,758
Oh, no!
Peter Brady, you blew it.
201
00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:08,059
ADULT ADAM: Or so I thought.
202
00:07:08,061 --> 00:07:09,795
No!
Alex P. Keaton.
203
00:07:09,797 --> 00:07:12,164
ADULT ADAM: Each one
was worse than the next.
204
00:07:12,166 --> 00:07:13,098
Jack's screwed!
205
00:07:13,100 --> 00:07:14,399
Both women are
at the Regal Beagle.
206
00:07:14,401 --> 00:07:17,669
ADULT ADAM: As we watched
the same plot done
on every show,
207
00:07:17,671 --> 00:07:19,070
it became abundantly clear.
208
00:07:19,072 --> 00:07:21,640
Dude,
it can't be done.
209
00:07:21,642 --> 00:07:23,909
Shut up, Dave Kim!
210
00:07:23,911 --> 00:07:24,576
I see that.
211
00:07:24,578 --> 00:07:27,345
ADULT ADAM: As my universe
as crumbling,
my mom saw a world
212
00:07:27,347 --> 00:07:31,783
where she finally got a photo
in the paper with her kids.
213
00:07:31,785 --> 00:07:32,918
Yo, yo, yo, volunteers.
214
00:07:32,920 --> 00:07:35,620
Who's ready to get
this homeless
party started?
215
00:07:35,622 --> 00:07:36,955
Mom, what are you
doing here?
216
00:07:36,957 --> 00:07:39,391
You're looking at the new
regional captain
217
00:07:39,393 --> 00:07:40,525
for Hands Across America.
218
00:07:40,527 --> 00:07:41,760
What happened
to Coach Mellor?
219
00:07:41,762 --> 00:07:44,763
He cracked under
the pressure, but
don't worry. Mama's here.
220
00:07:44,765 --> 00:07:46,498
I know how important
this is for you.
221
00:07:46,500 --> 00:07:49,501
Yeah, I'm out.
Me too.
Shut it down, people.
222
00:07:49,503 --> 00:07:50,635
(ALL GROAN)
223
00:07:50,637 --> 00:07:51,937
Whoa, hold up.
224
00:07:51,939 --> 00:07:53,138
Now that I'm involved,
you're just gonna bail?
225
00:07:53,140 --> 00:07:56,508
Nothing personal.
You just make
fun things suck.
226
00:07:56,510 --> 00:07:57,075
Well, that...
227
00:07:57,077 --> 00:08:00,378
That is a shame because
this lady right here
228
00:08:00,380 --> 00:08:02,881
just got Scott Baio
229
00:08:02,883 --> 00:08:05,984
to ditch Philly
and come to J-town.
230
00:08:05,986 --> 00:08:08,153
Dude, we got
Fonzie's cousin.
231
00:08:08,155 --> 00:08:09,287
(ALL CHEERING)
232
00:08:09,289 --> 00:08:10,555
No, everyone stop.
233
00:08:10,557 --> 00:08:11,923
Mom, did you
really get Scott Baio?
234
00:08:11,925 --> 00:08:15,527
I literally just got off
the phone with Scotty B.
235
00:08:15,529 --> 00:08:17,195
He told me
to call him Scotty B.
236
00:08:17,197 --> 00:08:21,733
And he agreed to come here
and hold hands with me.
237
00:08:22,135 --> 00:08:23,502
I call the one
available hand.
238
00:08:23,504 --> 00:08:24,402
No way!
The hand is mine!
239
00:08:24,404 --> 00:08:26,805
Okay, this is my
future husband.
Why do you care?
240
00:08:26,807 --> 00:08:28,940
'Cause he's
my future best bro.
241
00:08:28,942 --> 00:08:29,875
And once Scott meets me,
242
00:08:29,877 --> 00:08:32,110
he'll ditch Willie Aames
and fly me to Hollywood
243
00:08:32,112 --> 00:08:33,512
so I never have to talk
to you people again.
244
00:08:33,514 --> 00:08:36,948
This is bullcrap.
Just 'cause your
crazy-hot mom is in charge,
245
00:08:36,950 --> 00:08:37,983
you guys both get dibs?
246
00:08:37,985 --> 00:08:40,151
Please,
Mrs. Goldberg, pick me.
247
00:08:40,153 --> 00:08:42,120
I really need a win.
So bad.
248
00:08:42,122 --> 00:08:43,255
No, I want...
Mom, you have seen...
249
00:08:43,257 --> 00:08:44,689
Scott's hand in my hand.
...his poster in my room.
250
00:08:44,691 --> 00:08:46,658
I bet my hands are cooler
than yours if we held
them together.
251
00:08:46,660 --> 00:08:47,659
Mrs. Goldberg...
(ALL CLAMORING)
252
00:08:47,661 --> 00:08:49,961
Stop fighting.
Stop fighting.
I'll sleep on it, okay?
253
00:08:49,963 --> 00:08:51,796
I'll sleep on it,
all right?
254
00:08:51,798 --> 00:08:53,532
But now I have
to immediately leave...
255
00:08:53,534 --> 00:08:56,401
Not to call Scott Baio
'cause I've done it.
256
00:08:56,403 --> 00:09:00,939
All right, I just...
I have to go
and do a thing.
257
00:09:01,842 --> 00:09:03,508
ADULT ADAM: The dance
was only a day away,
258
00:09:03,510 --> 00:09:05,510
and I realized
my plan was a dead end.
259
00:09:05,512 --> 00:09:09,147
Pops, I watched
all the shows.
Two dates never works.
260
00:09:09,149 --> 00:09:09,848
Not even on Cheers?
261
00:09:09,850 --> 00:09:13,952
Cliff had a date
with Carla and Diane
to the postman's ball.
262
00:09:13,954 --> 00:09:14,819
It was
a total junk show.
263
00:09:14,821 --> 00:09:17,923
See, I'm not a fan
of today's comedy.
264
00:09:17,925 --> 00:09:19,224
Now, The Honeymooners...
265
00:09:19,226 --> 00:09:20,759
I don't need a trip
down memory lane.
266
00:09:20,761 --> 00:09:23,361
I need help,
and you said
you pulled off
267
00:09:23,363 --> 00:09:25,430
the perfect
Brady Bunch. How?
268
00:09:25,432 --> 00:09:27,799
Actually, the women
kind of invited me.
269
00:09:27,801 --> 00:09:29,301
We've got some advice
for you.
270
00:09:29,303 --> 00:09:30,669
Yeah, yeah,
don't be a moron.
271
00:09:30,671 --> 00:09:33,071
If you know the advice,
why aren't you following it?
272
00:09:33,073 --> 00:09:35,774
Don't worry, kiddo.
Pops always has a plan.
273
00:09:35,776 --> 00:09:38,910
With my help,
you'll be the first kid
in history
274
00:09:38,912 --> 00:09:40,579
to juggle two dates
at a dance.
275
00:09:40,581 --> 00:09:43,148
Well, I did juggle
three grapes at camp.
276
00:09:43,150 --> 00:09:45,283
You know
who's not a moron?
277
00:09:45,285 --> 00:09:46,918
You're not a moron.
278
00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:48,186
You're not a moron.
279
00:09:48,188 --> 00:09:49,888
You're not a moron.
280
00:09:49,890 --> 00:09:50,589
No.
(BABBLES)
281
00:09:50,591 --> 00:09:52,857
ADULT ADAM: As Pops
was convincing me
I could pull this off,
282
00:09:52,859 --> 00:09:55,660
Erica and Barry were ready
to convince our mom
283
00:09:55,662 --> 00:09:58,330
that they were worthy
of Baio's hand.
284
00:09:58,332 --> 00:09:59,130
Erica, what's going on?
285
00:09:59,132 --> 00:10:02,100
Bad dream, mama.
Can we do spoonies?
286
00:10:02,102 --> 00:10:03,268
Oh, my god, spoonies?
287
00:10:03,270 --> 00:10:07,305
Get on in the
warm spot, girl.
(CHUCKLES)
288
00:10:07,541 --> 00:10:09,174
Ah.
289
00:10:09,176 --> 00:10:10,308
This is so nice.
Hmm.
290
00:10:10,310 --> 00:10:14,913
Speaking of, um,
any thoughts
about Scott Baio?
291
00:10:15,048 --> 00:10:16,781
Uh, yeah,
about that...
292
00:10:16,783 --> 00:10:18,016
Knock, knock.
293
00:10:18,018 --> 00:10:18,750
Who wants brekky in bed?
294
00:10:18,752 --> 00:10:20,952
(GASPS)
You made mama breakfast?
295
00:10:20,954 --> 00:10:22,854
Nobody cares
because I'm spending
296
00:10:22,856 --> 00:10:24,322
the whole day
with my favorite lady.
297
00:10:24,324 --> 00:10:26,524
You are?
Well, mom and I
are spending
298
00:10:26,526 --> 00:10:28,293
the entire
weekend together.
We are?
299
00:10:28,295 --> 00:10:29,995
Stop doing
what you're doing.
You stop.
300
00:10:29,997 --> 00:10:33,164
You're only giving spoons
so she'll pick you
to hold Baio's hand.
301
00:10:33,166 --> 00:10:36,468
Oh, and you're not?
What's with the
stupid sweater?
302
00:10:36,470 --> 00:10:37,636
My favorite sweater?
303
00:10:37,638 --> 00:10:39,738
Mommy made it
for my 12th birthday.
304
00:10:39,740 --> 00:10:40,839
I feel so handsome,
Mommy.
305
00:10:40,841 --> 00:10:43,675
You look so handsome,
schmoofers.
306
00:10:43,677 --> 00:10:44,442
She's the sun.
307
00:10:44,444 --> 00:10:46,311
I'm the moon.
You're the moon!
308
00:10:46,313 --> 00:10:49,114
Okay, you want
to go to war?
Let's go.
309
00:10:49,116 --> 00:10:52,917
Mommy, I want you
to pick out a guy for me
to date and marry.
310
00:10:52,919 --> 00:10:54,886
That is my dream.
No, no, no! Not so fast.
311
00:10:54,888 --> 00:10:57,989
I've been thinking about it,
and I'm gonna let you
dance with me
312
00:10:57,991 --> 00:11:00,659
before I dance
with my bride
at my wedding.
313
00:11:00,661 --> 00:11:03,662
That is also my dream,
but I also get to wear white.
314
00:11:03,664 --> 00:11:05,630
That's non-negotiable.
Yes!
315
00:11:05,632 --> 00:11:06,398
I'm gonna have five kids,
316
00:11:06,400 --> 00:11:08,967
and I want you to babysit
every night and tell me
what to do.
317
00:11:08,969 --> 00:11:10,168
You will live
with me forever.
318
00:11:10,170 --> 00:11:12,904
I will build a mother suite
off the master bedroom
319
00:11:12,906 --> 00:11:15,073
even if it severely damages
my marriage.
320
00:11:15,075 --> 00:11:16,775
(GASPS)
I'm out.
321
00:11:16,777 --> 00:11:18,343
It's too rich for my blood.
322
00:11:18,345 --> 00:11:19,577
Yes! I win!
323
00:11:19,579 --> 00:11:22,514
Oh, no,
what have I done?
324
00:11:22,516 --> 00:11:23,248
Future Barry's problem.
325
00:11:23,250 --> 00:11:27,052
ADULT ADAM: Despite herself,
my mom loved her kids
fighting over her.
326
00:11:27,054 --> 00:11:27,752
Just one problem...
327
00:11:27,754 --> 00:11:32,891
She was now pulling
a classic bail and switch
and needed a way out.
328
00:11:34,928 --> 00:11:36,294
We need to talk.
329
00:11:36,296 --> 00:11:36,928
Whoa, not so fast.
330
00:11:36,930 --> 00:11:39,064
That was a non-sanctioned
sit-down. On your feet.
331
00:11:39,066 --> 00:11:42,500
Please, I need your help.
This whole thing has
gotten away from me.
332
00:11:42,502 --> 00:11:45,537
No, no, coach has washed his
hands of hands across America.
333
00:11:45,539 --> 00:11:48,773
Look, all I wanted was
one photo op with my kids.
334
00:11:48,775 --> 00:11:51,276
Now, they're fighting
over my love to get to Baio.
335
00:11:51,278 --> 00:11:54,779
That feather-haired man-boy
is making all my dreams
come true.
336
00:11:54,781 --> 00:11:56,481
That's why we need to get him
here instead of Philly.
337
00:11:56,483 --> 00:11:59,451
Give up on your
Baio dreams.
It ain't happening.
338
00:11:59,453 --> 00:12:02,921
It has to happen.
I told the whole school
he's coming here.
339
00:12:02,923 --> 00:12:03,988
What? Why would
you do that?
340
00:12:03,990 --> 00:12:06,524
I thought I could work
my Yenta magic,
341
00:12:06,526 --> 00:12:07,992
but I've been calling
for three days.
342
00:12:07,994 --> 00:12:09,494
Baio's people
are icing me out.
343
00:12:09,496 --> 00:12:10,729
Well, how the hell
can I help?
344
00:12:10,731 --> 00:12:13,765
Come on, you must have
at least one celebrity lead.
345
00:12:13,767 --> 00:12:14,632
No, I'm a gym teacher.
346
00:12:14,634 --> 00:12:16,868
I rotate two pairs
of shorts.
347
00:12:16,870 --> 00:12:17,802
Then I guess it's over.
348
00:12:17,804 --> 00:12:22,107
Unless you got out and you
get yourself a celebrity
that's better than Baio.
349
00:12:22,109 --> 00:12:23,975
Better than Baio?
Is that possible?
350
00:12:23,977 --> 00:12:27,145
It is with one of my patented
game-day pep talks.
351
00:12:27,147 --> 00:12:27,879
Now, listen up.
352
00:12:27,881 --> 00:12:29,547
It's the fourth quarter.
You're down by 1 point.
353
00:12:29,549 --> 00:12:32,751
Who's gonna run the option
and take it to the big house?
354
00:12:32,753 --> 00:12:34,619
Run the what?
(SIGHS)
355
00:12:34,621 --> 00:12:36,321
All right.
It's 11:00 p.m.
356
00:12:36,323 --> 00:12:38,089
You just got off a flight
with your family.
357
00:12:38,091 --> 00:12:39,724
They're crabby.
They're hungry.
358
00:12:39,726 --> 00:12:41,159
You look
in the cupboard.
359
00:12:41,161 --> 00:12:42,794
Oh, all you got
is one can of tuna.
360
00:12:42,796 --> 00:12:46,297
But it doesn't matter
'cause there's only
one person
361
00:12:46,299 --> 00:12:48,066
that can feed
those babies tuna
362
00:12:48,068 --> 00:12:50,969
and make sure they go to
sleep with full tum-tums.
363
00:12:50,971 --> 00:12:52,904
Me!
You're damn right it's you.
364
00:12:52,906 --> 00:12:55,240
Now go out and get yourself
the biggest celebrity
365
00:12:55,242 --> 00:12:58,109
this god-forsaken town's
ever seen.
366
00:12:58,111 --> 00:12:59,978
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Oh.
367
00:12:59,980 --> 00:13:02,147
Sorry. My bad, little ones.
You guys okay?
368
00:13:02,149 --> 00:13:05,817
All right,
let's take a breather.
Who wants water?
369
00:13:05,986 --> 00:13:07,585
ADULT ADAM: That night,
I was also on a mission.
370
00:13:07,587 --> 00:13:10,622
Make a foolproof plan
to bring two dates
to the same dance.
371
00:13:10,624 --> 00:13:15,093
All right, boys,
let's run this again.
What are we looking at?
372
00:13:15,095 --> 00:13:16,294
The gym is 94x50 feet.
373
00:13:16,296 --> 00:13:19,297
That leave us with
two large zones to
keep the girls apart.
374
00:13:19,299 --> 00:13:20,799
Check.
Let's talk song list.
375
00:13:20,801 --> 00:13:25,670
We're looking at 16 songs
lasting 2 hours and 6 minutes
including The Time Warp.
376
00:13:25,672 --> 00:13:27,906
Okay, let's do a dry run.
Adam.
377
00:13:27,908 --> 00:13:30,041
The Terrordrome
is our battlefield.
378
00:13:30,043 --> 00:13:31,776
I'm Michelangelo.
379
00:13:31,778 --> 00:13:34,145
Dana is Princess Leia.
380
00:13:34,147 --> 00:13:36,114
Emmy's the Hulk.
381
00:13:36,116 --> 00:13:37,215
Copy! Song 1?
382
00:13:37,217 --> 00:13:38,883
Like A Prayer, Madonna.
383
00:13:38,885 --> 00:13:39,584
Dana and I dance.
384
00:13:39,586 --> 00:13:41,686
Then I say I got to hit
the bathroom and
run to Emmy.
385
00:13:41,688 --> 00:13:44,656
Song 2?
Careless Whisper,
Wham!
386
00:13:44,658 --> 00:13:46,324
I tell Emmy
I'll grab her punch
387
00:13:46,326 --> 00:13:48,426
then run back to Dana
for a slow dance.
388
00:13:48,428 --> 00:13:51,262
I interrupt and pretend
I lost my contact lens.
389
00:13:51,264 --> 00:13:54,465
I leave to help Dave Kim,
then book it back to Emmy.
390
00:13:54,467 --> 00:13:57,602
See that?
Working as a team together.
391
00:13:57,604 --> 00:14:00,605
Trust me...
This whole thing is wired.
392
00:14:00,607 --> 00:14:02,507
(DOORBELL RINGS)
393
00:14:03,176 --> 00:14:05,310
What the hell?
'Sup, jerk?
394
00:14:05,312 --> 00:14:05,743
Balls.
395
00:14:05,745 --> 00:14:07,579
You didn't know
she was staying with me?
396
00:14:07,581 --> 00:14:08,213
Balls' balls.
397
00:14:08,215 --> 00:14:10,048
Hello, my name is Dave Kim.
I lost my contact lens.
398
00:14:10,050 --> 00:14:13,151
Dana, can you help me
find it for 8 to 10 minutes
out of earshot?
399
00:14:13,153 --> 00:14:16,187
Not now, Dave Kim.
It's gone to hell.
400
00:14:16,189 --> 00:14:17,922
We didn't even make it
out of the house.
401
00:14:17,924 --> 00:14:20,825
I know. I know!
Two dates can't be done!
402
00:14:20,827 --> 00:14:24,128
Dude, he's created a whole
nerd world to plot against us.
403
00:14:24,130 --> 00:14:25,797
This is super-creepy,
Adam.
404
00:14:25,799 --> 00:14:27,699
My God, did you
make me the Hulk?
405
00:14:27,701 --> 00:14:30,435
Yes, but only 'cause I don't
like you when you're angry.
406
00:14:30,437 --> 00:14:33,071
This is so scheming
and disrespectful.
407
00:14:33,073 --> 00:14:35,340
No, please, don't start
doubting my character.
408
00:14:35,342 --> 00:14:38,343
Group hug?
Ugh, just leave us
alone, liar.
409
00:14:38,345 --> 00:14:40,311
(SIGHS)
410
00:14:40,480 --> 00:14:44,916
Okay. New advice...
Lay low.
411
00:14:44,918 --> 00:14:46,484
Now, that,
I can pull off.
412
00:14:46,486 --> 00:14:47,886
ADULT ADAM:
But that was impossible
'cause the next day,
413
00:14:47,888 --> 00:14:51,823
literally everyone
in the country gathered
for Hands Across America.
414
00:14:51,825 --> 00:14:54,325
Adam, over here!
It's your Mama.
415
00:14:54,327 --> 00:14:55,293
So instead, I hid.
416
00:14:55,295 --> 00:14:57,695
Don't ignore me.
I'm regional captain.
417
00:14:57,697 --> 00:15:00,365
I deserve respect.
No, no, no.
418
00:15:00,367 --> 00:15:02,333
Shh! I'm hiding
in the shadows, okay?
419
00:15:02,335 --> 00:15:03,768
What are you
talking about?
420
00:15:03,770 --> 00:15:05,470
Today is the day
that me and my kids
421
00:15:05,472 --> 00:15:07,906
finally get on the front page
of the newspaper.
422
00:15:07,908 --> 00:15:09,607
All of us...
No exceptions.
423
00:15:09,609 --> 00:15:11,509
Yes, I'll hide
with you people.
424
00:15:11,511 --> 00:15:13,278
Block my head with
your enormous hair.
425
00:15:13,280 --> 00:15:14,712
I'm so nervous for Baio.
426
00:15:14,714 --> 00:15:16,281
My hands are super-sweaty
but soft.
427
00:15:16,283 --> 00:15:18,483
I've been
moisturizing all day.
So where is he?
428
00:15:18,485 --> 00:15:20,618
Yeah, where's
the Scottster anyway?
Oh, my God, no!
429
00:15:20,620 --> 00:15:24,022
You can't lure Scott
with your off-the-shoulder
crop top and short skirt.
430
00:15:24,024 --> 00:15:28,760
You really think I would use
my young feminine form to get
Scott Baio's attention?
431
00:15:28,762 --> 00:15:30,228
I do look good,
though, right?
432
00:15:30,230 --> 00:15:32,597
Uh, actually, I have
some good news, bad news.
433
00:15:32,599 --> 00:15:35,800
Uh, the bad news
is baio's not coming.
434
00:15:35,802 --> 00:15:37,669
What?
You monster!
435
00:15:37,671 --> 00:15:38,536
No, stop it.
436
00:15:38,538 --> 00:15:40,905
I actually got
a bigger celebrity.
437
00:15:40,907 --> 00:15:42,740
Michael Jackson?
Rob Lowe?
438
00:15:42,742 --> 00:15:43,374
Jermaine Jackson.
439
00:15:43,376 --> 00:15:46,844
Better. I have the
most famous person
in Philadelphia history.
440
00:15:46,846 --> 00:15:51,749
Please give a warm
Hands Across America welcome
to Ben Franklin.
441
00:15:51,751 --> 00:15:53,685
Good morrow,
fellow colonists.
442
00:15:53,687 --> 00:15:56,087
I am founding father,
Benjamin Franklin.
443
00:15:56,089 --> 00:16:00,258
Allow me to gaze upon you
through my bifocals,
444
00:16:00,260 --> 00:16:01,859
which I invented in 1784.
445
00:16:01,861 --> 00:16:02,994
Why is this thing
still talking?
446
00:16:02,996 --> 00:16:06,197
Ooh, the paper's here.
Okay, everybody,
hold hands and sing.
447
00:16:06,199 --> 00:16:09,767
Bev, I don't think the rest of
the country is ready just yet.
448
00:16:09,769 --> 00:16:11,369
You never even had
Scott Baio, did you?
449
00:16:11,371 --> 00:16:13,304
No time to talk.
All right, Adam...
450
00:16:13,306 --> 00:16:14,405
Stop hiding in my hair.
451
00:16:14,407 --> 00:16:17,408
Ooh! Emmy, Dana, come and hold
hands and take a picture.
452
00:16:17,410 --> 00:16:19,577
We'd rather not.
They'd really rather not.
453
00:16:19,579 --> 00:16:21,079
Okay, well,
it's not a choice.
454
00:16:21,081 --> 00:16:23,147
Every hand not held
is another homeless family.
455
00:16:23,149 --> 00:16:25,216
I don't think...
Okay, just do it,
just do it, just do it.
456
00:16:25,218 --> 00:16:27,618
Photographers!
Smile, smile.
Teeth, teeth.
457
00:16:27,620 --> 00:16:31,656
I'd like to, but they're
crushing my bones with
their strong lady hands.
458
00:16:31,658 --> 00:16:34,359
Mine, too.
I'm just a pawn!
459
00:16:34,361 --> 00:16:37,061
(BOTH GROANING)
460
00:16:37,063 --> 00:16:38,196
This is a nightmare!
461
00:16:38,198 --> 00:16:41,299
How are they
stronger than us?
462
00:16:42,302 --> 00:16:43,501
ADULT ADAM:
The moment had come.
463
00:16:43,503 --> 00:16:47,005
It was finally time to hold
Hands Across America.
464
00:16:47,007 --> 00:16:48,806
Boys, quick!
Grab mommy's hands!
465
00:16:48,808 --> 00:16:50,141
Holy crap, it's happening.
466
00:16:50,143 --> 00:16:51,843
Okay. Come on, you guys.
467
00:16:51,845 --> 00:16:53,544
You've got to
hold my hand.
468
00:16:53,546 --> 00:16:54,879
Hold my hand, damn it!
469
00:16:54,881 --> 00:16:56,547
No way. You lied to us.
470
00:16:56,549 --> 00:16:58,182
Beverly,
what are you doing?
471
00:16:58,184 --> 00:17:00,051
Come on, it's time.
Hold hands.
472
00:17:00,053 --> 00:17:01,085
Kids, do it.
473
00:17:01,087 --> 00:17:02,854
Never.
Hold my hands.
474
00:17:02,856 --> 00:17:04,088
We will hold no hands.
475
00:17:04,090 --> 00:17:06,057
What is wrong
with you people?!
476
00:17:06,059 --> 00:17:07,225
Please!
No way.
477
00:17:07,227 --> 00:17:08,693
This is for the homeless!
478
00:17:08,695 --> 00:17:09,660
Hold my hands.
479
00:17:09,662 --> 00:17:10,762
No way.
Hold hands!
480
00:17:10,764 --> 00:17:12,997
Please,
just hold my hands.
481
00:17:12,999 --> 00:17:13,898
Never.
No way.
482
00:17:13,900 --> 00:17:15,833
Hold hands!
I shall hold your hand.
483
00:17:15,835 --> 00:17:18,102
Oh, (BLEEP) off,
Ben Franklin.
484
00:17:18,104 --> 00:17:19,904
Mom, no!
Back off, Mom.
485
00:17:19,906 --> 00:17:21,639
I'm not holding
your hand.
(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)
486
00:17:21,641 --> 00:17:24,075
No, no, don't put
that in the paper.
487
00:17:24,077 --> 00:17:27,311
It's gonna look like
the Goldbergs broke
hands across America.
488
00:17:27,313 --> 00:17:29,080
Goldbergs... Got it.
489
00:17:29,082 --> 00:17:30,181
(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)
490
00:17:30,183 --> 00:17:30,915
Oh, that's a keeper.
491
00:17:30,917 --> 00:17:34,485
ADULT ADAM: And so,
Hands Across America was
single-handedly a bust.
492
00:17:34,487 --> 00:17:38,956
All I wanted was one
nice photo for the wall.
493
00:17:38,958 --> 00:17:41,559
That's all
I ever wanted.
494
00:17:42,762 --> 00:17:44,962
No. No, you're the one
who lied.
495
00:17:44,964 --> 00:17:47,198
You can't make us
feel bad about this.
496
00:17:47,200 --> 00:17:51,803
ADULT ADAM: As my mom's
spirit was crushed,
so were my hands.
497
00:17:51,871 --> 00:17:53,504
Hey. How you holding up?
498
00:17:53,506 --> 00:17:56,274
Well, I've got no girlfriend,
no best friend,
499
00:17:56,276 --> 00:17:59,944
and no feeling in both hands,
so not good.
500
00:17:59,946 --> 00:18:00,645
You know what I think?
501
00:18:00,647 --> 00:18:03,247
Yes, I'm a moron.
I get it.
502
00:18:03,249 --> 00:18:05,783
No,
I don't think you do.
503
00:18:05,785 --> 00:18:09,387
When I say,
"don't be a moron,"
504
00:18:09,389 --> 00:18:10,421
it really means something.
505
00:18:10,423 --> 00:18:12,890
You mean beyond just
being rude and insulting?
506
00:18:12,892 --> 00:18:14,258
Yeah, that's just
part of it.
507
00:18:14,260 --> 00:18:17,228
But it's my way
of saying
508
00:18:17,230 --> 00:18:18,830
"be honest,
be a good person."
509
00:18:18,832 --> 00:18:23,701
It's how I live my life,
and you know what? It works.
510
00:18:23,703 --> 00:18:27,805
So, how do I make it up
to Emmy and Dana?
511
00:18:28,508 --> 00:18:30,308
That's easy.
512
00:18:30,376 --> 00:18:32,110
Don't be a moron.
513
00:18:32,112 --> 00:18:34,912
ADULT ADAM:
After years of getting
advice on girls from Pops,
514
00:18:34,914 --> 00:18:38,783
I learned my dad
had some wisdom
to offer after all.
515
00:18:38,785 --> 00:18:39,851
What the hell are
you doing, weirdo?
516
00:18:39,853 --> 00:18:44,255
I'm cordially and
blatantly inviting
you both to the dance.
517
00:18:44,257 --> 00:18:45,256
You can't be serious.
518
00:18:45,258 --> 00:18:48,459
Look, I screwed up,
but you have to believe me
519
00:18:48,461 --> 00:18:51,262
all I wanted was to make
both of you feel special.
520
00:18:51,264 --> 00:18:54,932
Emmy, you've been
my best friend since
second grade.
521
00:18:54,934 --> 00:18:57,502
I just couldn't bear
to see you so sad.
522
00:18:57,504 --> 00:18:59,770
And, Dana, the last thing
I'd ever want to do is
523
00:18:59,772 --> 00:19:02,974
to hurt the girl I love more
than anything in this world.
524
00:19:02,976 --> 00:19:06,711
Aww.
Point is I'm a moron.
525
00:19:08,281 --> 00:19:08,980
We'll got get dressed.
526
00:19:08,982 --> 00:19:12,150
ADULT ADAM: As it turns out,
the best plan of all
was honesty.
527
00:19:12,152 --> 00:19:15,486
And because of that,
I was able to do what
Alex P. Keaton,
528
00:19:15,488 --> 00:19:19,123
Jack Tripper, and
Peter Brady never could...
529
00:19:19,125 --> 00:19:22,727
...take two girls
to the same dance.
530
00:19:22,729 --> 00:19:23,728
And not just any girls...
531
00:19:23,730 --> 00:19:26,597
...the most important ones
in my life.
532
00:19:26,599 --> 00:19:30,668
And it was a night
I always remember.
533
00:19:34,874 --> 00:19:37,742
Crying at Zapped!
That's a first.
534
00:19:37,744 --> 00:19:40,411
No, I just... (SIGHS)
535
00:19:40,580 --> 00:19:42,113
I feel bad.
536
00:19:42,348 --> 00:19:43,080
I'm a bad mama.
537
00:19:43,082 --> 00:19:45,716
I don't think any of us
were at our best.
538
00:19:45,718 --> 00:19:49,153
Which actually worked
in our favor.
539
00:19:50,223 --> 00:19:53,891
This... is not
what I meant at all.
540
00:19:53,893 --> 00:19:56,060
I know we're not actually
holding hands,
541
00:19:56,062 --> 00:19:59,931
but if this picture isn't us,
(SCOFFS) I don't know what is.
542
00:19:59,933 --> 00:20:01,866
You're right.
543
00:20:02,902 --> 00:20:03,935
I love it.
544
00:20:03,937 --> 00:20:06,837
ADULT ADAM: That's the thing
about the people you love.
545
00:20:06,839 --> 00:20:07,872
It's not always
picture-perfect.
546
00:20:07,874 --> 00:20:11,909
Sometimes you have to
live in the moment
and take it all in.
547
00:20:11,911 --> 00:20:14,612
But side-by-side,
hand-in-hand...
548
00:20:14,614 --> 00:20:16,380
...you'll find
it's pretty great.
549
00:20:16,382 --> 00:20:19,884
And sure, you may make a lot
of mistakes along the way.
550
00:20:19,886 --> 00:20:21,219
Growing up is a tricky dance,
551
00:20:21,221 --> 00:20:24,155
but occasionally,
you find your groove.
552
00:20:24,157 --> 00:20:26,524
Last dance of the night.
Have fun, dorks.
553
00:20:26,526 --> 00:20:29,927
Actually, I don't think
you should take off just yet.
554
00:20:29,929 --> 00:20:31,896
I talked to Adam Abel.
555
00:20:32,332 --> 00:20:33,598
(CHUCKLES)
I'm gonna kill you.
556
00:20:33,600 --> 00:20:36,701
He saved you a dance.
I love you.
557
00:20:36,836 --> 00:20:38,269
(GROANS)
558
00:20:39,606 --> 00:20:43,040
¶ Ooh, heaven is a place
On Earth
559
00:20:43,042 --> 00:20:46,877
¶ They say in heaven,
Love comes first
560
00:20:46,879 --> 00:20:51,616
¶ We'll make heaven
A place on earth ¶
561
00:20:52,418 --> 00:20:55,086
¶
562
00:20:56,256 --> 00:20:58,289
(DINGING)
563
00:20:59,726 --> 00:21:02,693
Ugh. I don't understand
how we all got the flu.
564
00:21:02,695 --> 00:21:05,429
I told you...
With all that hand holding,
you'd catch a bug.
565
00:21:05,431 --> 00:21:07,832
Will you stop saying that.
It's not even how it works.
566
00:21:07,834 --> 00:21:09,300
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Ooh, sounds like
567
00:21:09,302 --> 00:21:11,235
we may have
a special visitor.
568
00:21:11,237 --> 00:21:13,838
Wait, did Scott Baio's people
finally get back to you?
569
00:21:13,840 --> 00:21:17,308
No, but, uh,
I still have
570
00:21:17,310 --> 00:21:19,977
Ben Franklin rented
for an hour.
571
00:21:19,979 --> 00:21:22,113
Good morrow,
sick children.
572
00:21:22,115 --> 00:21:25,283
As I so famously said
in 1780-something,
573
00:21:25,285 --> 00:21:27,852
An apple a day
keeps the doctor...
574
00:21:27,854 --> 00:21:29,053
No!
Not again.
575
00:21:29,055 --> 00:21:30,821
I hate this president.