1
00:00:00,368 --> 00:00:02,935
ADULT ADAM: Back in the day,
trick-or-treating was my jam.
2
00:00:02,937 --> 00:00:06,038
I'd spend months making
the most epic
Halloween costumes
3
00:00:06,040 --> 00:00:07,272
the '80s had ever seen.
4
00:00:07,274 --> 00:00:10,075
I was a master
of tape and glue-gunning.
5
00:00:10,077 --> 00:00:12,444
My costumes
were not only awesome,
6
00:00:12,446 --> 00:00:14,013
but they were also topical.
7
00:00:14,015 --> 00:00:15,781
I'm the coolest E.T.
Ever.
8
00:00:15,783 --> 00:00:18,150
And I'm Elliot,
E.T.'s owner!
9
00:00:18,152 --> 00:00:21,720
...until my mom turned them
into couples costumes.
10
00:00:21,722 --> 00:00:22,921
Look out, Jenkintown.
11
00:00:22,923 --> 00:00:24,790
Here comes a Ghostbuster!
12
00:00:24,792 --> 00:00:25,624
It was embarrassing.
13
00:00:25,626 --> 00:00:28,827
And I'm his
Stay Puft Marshmallow
mom.
14
00:00:28,829 --> 00:00:30,396
And every year, it got worse.
15
00:00:30,398 --> 00:00:33,198
Freeze, creep.
I'm Robocop.
16
00:00:33,200 --> 00:00:39,571
And I'm ED-209,
Omnicorp's first foray
into robotic policing.
17
00:00:39,573 --> 00:00:40,439
I'm Indy!
18
00:00:40,441 --> 00:00:42,074
...and it got
more frustrating.
19
00:00:42,076 --> 00:00:42,641
And I'm Mork.
20
00:00:42,643 --> 00:00:45,511
I thought you said
you were going as Mindy.
21
00:00:45,513 --> 00:00:46,812
Why would I be going
as Mindy?
22
00:00:46,814 --> 00:00:50,616
Well, I guess
we're Mork and Indy.
(CHUCKLES)
23
00:00:50,618 --> 00:00:51,417
But not this year.
24
00:00:51,419 --> 00:00:55,020
My girl was in town, and she'd
be the Ripley to my Alien.
25
00:00:55,022 --> 00:00:56,188
I love us.
26
00:00:56,190 --> 00:00:56,989
Me too.
27
00:00:56,991 --> 00:01:00,392
Which I why
I want you
to have this.
28
00:01:00,394 --> 00:01:02,261
Oh, my God.
29
00:01:02,263 --> 00:01:03,328
Our promise ring.
30
00:01:03,330 --> 00:01:04,329
I know you gave it back
when you moved,
31
00:01:04,331 --> 00:01:07,833
but I think
we've proved nothing
can stand between us.
32
00:01:07,835 --> 00:01:09,601
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS)
33
00:01:09,603 --> 00:01:11,437
Hey, boopie.
What the hell!
34
00:01:11,439 --> 00:01:14,506
It's me. It's mama.
I'm the Predator.
35
00:01:14,508 --> 00:01:16,308
(SMOOCHING SOUNDS)
36
00:01:16,310 --> 00:01:16,909
Stop it.
37
00:01:16,911 --> 00:01:19,378
The Predator doesn't
talk with smooches.
38
00:01:19,380 --> 00:01:20,079
He clicks.
39
00:01:20,081 --> 00:01:23,615
Well, this Predator
kisses instead of kills.
40
00:01:23,617 --> 00:01:24,883
You're ruining
the property.
41
00:01:24,885 --> 00:01:27,219
Or is Preda-mom
making it better?
42
00:01:27,221 --> 00:01:29,755
I told you, this year,
I'm doing a couples costume
43
00:01:29,757 --> 00:01:32,991
with the person
I'm actually in a couple with.
44
00:01:32,993 --> 00:01:34,593
Hi, Mrs. Goldberg.
45
00:01:34,595 --> 00:01:35,394
Dana. Look.
46
00:01:35,396 --> 00:01:39,264
Your Alien movie has
nothing to do with my costume,
47
00:01:39,266 --> 00:01:41,333
at least not that I know of.
48
00:01:41,335 --> 00:01:42,034
(CHUCKLING) God.
49
00:01:42,036 --> 00:01:44,536
What? Oh, my God.
What is...
50
00:01:44,538 --> 00:01:48,540
It's your favorite comic book,
Alien versus Predator?
51
00:01:48,542 --> 00:01:50,576
Now, when did these two
get to know each other?
52
00:01:50,578 --> 00:01:53,078
You said our costume
was Mom-proof.
53
00:01:53,080 --> 00:01:54,346
I forgot about
the crossover.
54
00:01:54,348 --> 00:01:56,882
This is a very happy
coincidence.
55
00:01:56,884 --> 00:01:57,749
We're gonna make
quite the trio.
56
00:01:57,751 --> 00:02:01,520
No. You are not
following us around
tonight in that costume.
57
00:02:01,522 --> 00:02:03,789
You want me to follow you
around without a costume?
58
00:02:03,791 --> 00:02:06,291
Come on.
I'm gonna look crazy.
59
00:02:06,293 --> 00:02:09,428
I don't need my mom's help
to go trick-or-treating.
60
00:02:09,430 --> 00:02:11,029
I'm going with Dana.
61
00:02:11,031 --> 00:02:12,064
Not you.
62
00:02:12,066 --> 00:02:13,899
Oh. Okay.
63
00:02:13,901 --> 00:02:17,136
I guess I'll just go.
64
00:02:17,138 --> 00:02:19,371
Have a good time
without me.
65
00:02:19,373 --> 00:02:21,940
If you need me,
just call my name...
66
00:02:21,942 --> 00:02:23,609
For anything.
67
00:02:24,245 --> 00:02:26,478
Or I could just stay
if you want.
68
00:02:26,480 --> 00:02:28,046
(FOOTSTEPS)
69
00:02:28,048 --> 00:02:28,780
Did someone call me?
70
00:02:28,782 --> 00:02:31,650
I thought I heard,
"Please don't go."
71
00:02:31,652 --> 00:02:33,152
No?
72
00:02:33,154 --> 00:02:35,487
Is there another
way out of here?
73
00:02:35,489 --> 00:02:36,622
Nope.
74
00:02:36,624 --> 00:02:38,457
(SIGHS)
75
00:02:38,459 --> 00:02:40,859
Call if you need me.
76
00:02:40,961 --> 00:02:42,261
¶ I'm twisted up inside
77
00:02:42,263 --> 00:02:46,865
¶ But nonetheless,
I feel the need to say
78
00:02:48,569 --> 00:02:49,668
¶ I don't know the future
79
00:02:49,670 --> 00:02:53,705
¶ But the past keeps getting
clearer every day ¶
80
00:02:53,707 --> 00:02:55,641
ADULT ADAM: It was October 31,
1980-something,
81
00:02:55,643 --> 00:02:57,843
and my siblings
were hard at work
82
00:02:57,845 --> 00:02:59,478
strategizing how to beat
Halloween.
83
00:02:59,480 --> 00:03:02,347
Okay, here's our path
through Jenkintown.
84
00:03:02,349 --> 00:03:03,916
First, we hit
Tom McFadden's kegger,
85
00:03:03,918 --> 00:03:06,818
then we head north
and hit these three parties.
86
00:03:06,820 --> 00:03:08,954
Ooh, are you planning
a candy route?
87
00:03:08,956 --> 00:03:10,322
We should combine our data.
88
00:03:10,324 --> 00:03:11,156
May I?
You may.
89
00:03:11,158 --> 00:03:13,258
Nerd punch!
Ow!
90
00:03:13,260 --> 00:03:13,825
What was that for?
91
00:03:13,827 --> 00:03:17,129
Dude! Your girlfriend
came across the ocean
to be with you.
92
00:03:17,131 --> 00:03:18,263
Dana lives in Seattle.
93
00:03:18,265 --> 00:03:19,865
Exactly.
Do you really think
94
00:03:19,867 --> 00:03:21,833
she wants to spend
her one night in America
95
00:03:21,835 --> 00:03:23,735
collecting candy
like a little toddler?
96
00:03:23,737 --> 00:03:25,404
But that's what
we always do.
97
00:03:25,406 --> 00:03:27,439
It's what you did.
You're adults now.
98
00:03:27,441 --> 00:03:31,109
Just listen to your deep,
yet still high weird voice.
99
00:03:31,111 --> 00:03:32,010
Hurtful, but continue.
100
00:03:32,012 --> 00:03:35,013
It's Halloween, dude,
a night for romance.
101
00:03:35,015 --> 00:03:37,216
This holiday's all about
girls getting scared
102
00:03:37,218 --> 00:03:40,152
and running to a big,
strong man for protection.
103
00:03:40,154 --> 00:03:41,253
It's evolution.
104
00:03:41,255 --> 00:03:42,955
Idiot punch.
Ow.
105
00:03:42,957 --> 00:03:43,655
But he's got a point.
106
00:03:43,657 --> 00:03:46,091
We do pretend to be scared
to make it easy for boys
107
00:03:46,093 --> 00:03:47,726
because we feel bad
for them.
108
00:03:47,728 --> 00:03:48,293
Wow. Okay.
109
00:03:48,295 --> 00:03:50,495
So I should take her
someplace scary.
110
00:03:50,497 --> 00:03:51,897
Like JCPenney?
111
00:03:51,899 --> 00:03:52,631
What?
What?
112
00:03:52,633 --> 00:03:54,866
They put a bunch
of spider webs up in
their mattress display.
113
00:03:54,868 --> 00:03:57,502
You know they're fake,
but they make you think,
114
00:03:57,504 --> 00:04:00,005
"What if my bed
had spiders?"
115
00:04:00,007 --> 00:04:00,539
Oh, my God, no.
116
00:04:00,541 --> 00:04:03,675
There's a frat at Villanova
that runs an awesome
haunted house.
117
00:04:03,677 --> 00:04:04,276
Take her there.
118
00:04:04,278 --> 00:04:07,346
What? You want me
to pay money
to get tortured
119
00:04:07,348 --> 00:04:08,647
when candy is free?
120
00:04:08,649 --> 00:04:09,281
Nut up, bro.
121
00:04:09,283 --> 00:04:11,483
It's just a stupid
haunted house.
122
00:04:11,485 --> 00:04:12,317
You'll be fine.
123
00:04:12,319 --> 00:04:14,686
Hey.
Ready to head out?
124
00:04:14,688 --> 00:04:16,221
Uh, yeah. Question.
125
00:04:16,223 --> 00:04:18,090
What would you rather
do tonight...
126
00:04:18,092 --> 00:04:19,925
Get unlimited
free nougaty candy...
127
00:04:19,927 --> 00:04:22,094
(MUMBLING)
...or go to a haunted house?
128
00:04:22,096 --> 00:04:22,527
What?
129
00:04:22,529 --> 00:04:23,795
(MUMBLING)
Or go to a haunted house?
130
00:04:23,797 --> 00:04:26,331
What?
Free candy?
(CHUCKLES)
131
00:04:26,333 --> 00:04:29,201
Or go to a lame haunted
house, super-boring?
132
00:04:29,203 --> 00:04:31,136
A haunted house
does sound cool,
133
00:04:31,138 --> 00:04:33,538
although, I might need
you to protect me.
134
00:04:33,540 --> 00:04:35,641
Told you.
Haunted house it is.
135
00:04:35,643 --> 00:04:38,310
Hopefully they have
friendly ghosts like Casper.
136
00:04:38,312 --> 00:04:40,846
Actually,
Casper weirds me out, too.
137
00:04:40,848 --> 00:04:42,848
Nerd punch!
Ow!
138
00:04:42,850 --> 00:04:45,284
ADULT ADAM: As I was facing
my first grown-up Halloween,
139
00:04:45,286 --> 00:04:48,720
my mom was facing
her first one alone.
140
00:04:48,722 --> 00:04:49,354
What are you up to?
141
00:04:49,356 --> 00:04:52,224
Hiding a deadly razor
in some candy.
142
00:04:53,360 --> 00:04:55,227
Okay.
Don't you judge me.
143
00:04:55,229 --> 00:04:56,328
I'm just creating
a visual aid
144
00:04:56,330 --> 00:05:01,099
to show Adam the dangers of
getting candy from strangers
without his mother.
145
00:05:01,101 --> 00:05:04,436
See?
This used to be fun-size.
146
00:05:04,438 --> 00:05:06,204
Now it's terror-size.
147
00:05:06,206 --> 00:05:06,938
You know what's terrifying?
148
00:05:06,940 --> 00:05:09,308
The fact that you still
want to go trick-or-treating
149
00:05:09,310 --> 00:05:13,011
in matching costumes
with your almost-adult son.
150
00:05:13,013 --> 00:05:14,846
I don't want to.
151
00:05:14,848 --> 00:05:17,049
I have to for his safety.
152
00:05:17,051 --> 00:05:19,985
Halloween is a night
where gangs of street toughs
153
00:05:19,987 --> 00:05:23,355
roam the sidewalks
looking to rough up children
154
00:05:23,357 --> 00:05:24,856
and take their candy.
155
00:05:24,858 --> 00:05:25,891
Street toughs?
156
00:05:25,893 --> 00:05:27,359
In Jenkintown?
157
00:05:27,361 --> 00:05:28,026
They drive in.
158
00:05:28,028 --> 00:05:30,162
And don't even get me
started on the kidnappers.
159
00:05:30,164 --> 00:05:32,364
They hitch a ride
with the street toughs.
160
00:05:32,366 --> 00:05:33,298
So they're all carpooling.
161
00:05:33,300 --> 00:05:34,599
Maybe they're taking
the bus.
162
00:05:34,601 --> 00:05:35,701
What kind of bus is this?
163
00:05:35,703 --> 00:05:37,703
The point is,
I don't do this for me.
164
00:05:37,705 --> 00:05:39,338
Trick-or-treating
is a nightmare,
165
00:05:39,340 --> 00:05:41,740
and I can't wait
for Adam to give it up.
166
00:05:41,742 --> 00:05:42,941
Hey, ma,
me and Dana decided
167
00:05:42,943 --> 00:05:45,577
to go to a haunted house
this year.
168
00:05:45,579 --> 00:05:46,411
We'll be back by 9:00.
169
00:05:46,413 --> 00:05:48,246
But what about
trick-or-treating?
170
00:05:48,248 --> 00:05:50,549
I have a visual aid
to prove a point
171
00:05:50,551 --> 00:05:51,650
that now doesn't matter.
172
00:05:51,652 --> 00:05:52,918
Yeah, we're over it.
173
00:05:52,920 --> 00:05:56,555
But... We always...
174
00:05:56,957 --> 00:05:59,591
We al... We always...
175
00:05:59,927 --> 00:06:01,293
Candy.
176
00:06:01,462 --> 00:06:02,861
Just go.
177
00:06:03,864 --> 00:06:06,498
(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)
Well, there you go, Bevy.
178
00:06:06,500 --> 00:06:07,432
Nightmare's over.
179
00:06:07,434 --> 00:06:10,235
Yeah.
This is just what I wanted.
180
00:06:10,237 --> 00:06:11,203
(CHUCKLES)
181
00:06:11,205 --> 00:06:15,440
Maybe I'll make myself
useful by dusting or by...
182
00:06:15,442 --> 00:06:17,843
Sitting in my room
in the dark
183
00:06:17,845 --> 00:06:19,511
to save on electricity.
184
00:06:19,513 --> 00:06:22,013
I'll figure something out.
185
00:06:24,818 --> 00:06:26,385
Could I eat that?
186
00:06:27,321 --> 00:06:29,388
Well, that's never
stopped me before.
187
00:06:29,390 --> 00:06:30,155
Moron!
188
00:06:30,157 --> 00:06:32,157
There's a razor in it.
189
00:06:32,159 --> 00:06:34,726
You win this round, old man.
190
00:06:35,396 --> 00:06:38,330
ADULT ADAM: While my mom's
Halloween was falling apart,
191
00:06:38,332 --> 00:06:40,399
mine was coming together.
192
00:06:40,401 --> 00:06:42,601
Aww.
I love this ring.
193
00:06:42,603 --> 00:06:43,568
I'll never take it off
again.
194
00:06:43,570 --> 00:06:45,837
Besides being a beautiful
symbol of our love,
195
00:06:45,839 --> 00:06:48,540
that bad boy
really makes your eyes pop.
196
00:06:48,542 --> 00:06:48,940
Aww.
197
00:06:48,942 --> 00:06:51,643
(SCREAMING)
(CHAINSAW MOTOR REVVING)
198
00:06:51,645 --> 00:06:52,444
Whoa.
199
00:06:52,446 --> 00:06:54,846
I didn't think
this was gonna be so scary.
200
00:06:54,848 --> 00:06:55,614
(SCREAMING)
201
00:06:55,616 --> 00:06:58,417
Don't worry, girl.
Ad-Rock's here
to protect you.
202
00:06:58,419 --> 00:07:00,218
ADULT ADAM:
Yep, I was the man.
203
00:07:00,220 --> 00:07:02,254
In that moment,
I couldn't believe
204
00:07:02,256 --> 00:07:03,855
I ever doubted
Barry and Erica.
205
00:07:03,857 --> 00:07:06,892
And then a moment later,
I remembered why I did.
206
00:07:06,894 --> 00:07:09,127
(DOOR HINGES CREAK
AND DOOR SLAMS)
207
00:07:10,097 --> 00:07:12,063
But since this was
all for love,
208
00:07:12,065 --> 00:07:15,333
I knew I could handle
some cobwebs and fog...
209
00:07:15,335 --> 00:07:17,235
(GROWLS)
(BOTH SCREAM)
210
00:07:17,237 --> 00:07:17,936
...but not a werewolf...
211
00:07:17,938 --> 00:07:20,071
(CHAINSAW MOTOR REVS)
...or a dude with a chainsaw.
212
00:07:20,073 --> 00:07:22,240
And so I used Dana
as a human shield...
213
00:07:22,242 --> 00:07:24,409
Aah! Aaah!
Balls, balls,
balls, balls! Aaaah!
214
00:07:24,411 --> 00:07:27,846
...and then ditched her
and ran for my life.
215
00:07:28,682 --> 00:07:31,716
Oh. Hey. Lost you in there.
Sup?
216
00:07:31,718 --> 00:07:32,984
Hopefully she didn't notice.
217
00:07:32,986 --> 00:07:34,753
You used me
as a human shield.
218
00:07:34,755 --> 00:07:35,587
She noticed.
219
00:07:35,589 --> 00:07:37,022
Babe, it, it was just
a goof.
220
00:07:37,024 --> 00:07:39,825
As you ran out,
you screamed,
"Kill her, not me!"
221
00:07:39,827 --> 00:07:43,195
You got to commit hard
to the bit, right?
222
00:07:43,197 --> 00:07:44,262
Oh, God.
223
00:07:44,264 --> 00:07:45,697
My ring's gone.
224
00:07:45,699 --> 00:07:47,299
I must have
lost it back there.
225
00:07:47,301 --> 00:07:49,334
You got to go
get it for me.
226
00:07:49,336 --> 00:07:50,001
Um...
227
00:07:50,003 --> 00:07:51,837
Can I just
get you a new one?
228
00:07:51,839 --> 00:07:53,772
I lied about
it making your eyes pop.
229
00:07:53,774 --> 00:07:54,573
It makes them look gross.
230
00:07:54,575 --> 00:07:57,108
(SCOFFS)
Whatever.
231
00:07:57,711 --> 00:07:59,177
Are you mad?
232
00:07:59,179 --> 00:08:00,345
No.
233
00:08:00,347 --> 00:08:02,080
I'm just tired.
234
00:08:02,082 --> 00:08:04,115
I actually think
I'm gonna go.
235
00:08:04,117 --> 00:08:05,984
Happy Halloween.
236
00:08:08,689 --> 00:08:10,622
She's not tired, bro.
237
00:08:10,624 --> 00:08:12,290
(GASPS) It can talk!
238
00:08:12,292 --> 00:08:14,526
While my Halloween
had turned sour,
239
00:08:14,528 --> 00:08:17,128
Pops was busy
handing out sweets.
240
00:08:17,130 --> 00:08:18,363
Ooh! Look at you!
241
00:08:18,365 --> 00:08:22,767
It's Spider-guy,
Strawberry Flapjacks,
and hey!
242
00:08:22,769 --> 00:08:24,636
It's Herman the Frog.
243
00:08:24,638 --> 00:08:25,670
Wokkity! Wokkity!
244
00:08:25,672 --> 00:08:29,074
Everything you're saying
is wrong.
245
00:08:29,076 --> 00:08:30,642
Enjoy!
246
00:08:31,912 --> 00:08:35,347
Oh, there she is.
Happy Halloween, pumpkin!
247
00:08:35,349 --> 00:08:37,349
There will be no more
happy Halloweens,
248
00:08:37,351 --> 00:08:40,252
not if I can't be out there
with my little nub-nub.
249
00:08:40,254 --> 00:08:41,520
I assume that's Adam.
250
00:08:41,522 --> 00:08:43,188
Adam is my nub-nub, yes.
251
00:08:43,190 --> 00:08:44,422
I don't care for nub-nub.
252
00:08:44,424 --> 00:08:46,525
It... It sounds
wrong to the ear.
253
00:08:46,527 --> 00:08:47,993
It's just...
Adam was the last one.
254
00:08:47,995 --> 00:08:50,295
Now what's the point
to Halloween?
255
00:08:50,297 --> 00:08:52,364
Hey.
You still got me.
256
00:08:52,366 --> 00:08:53,832
Come on,
hand out some candy.
257
00:08:53,834 --> 00:08:57,035
Dad, have you been
handing out this candy
the whole time?
258
00:08:57,037 --> 00:08:58,303
Yeah, why?
259
00:08:58,305 --> 00:09:01,506
Uh, where is
my deadly candy bar?
260
00:09:01,508 --> 00:09:02,274
What's happening?
261
00:09:02,276 --> 00:09:04,342
Where's my deadly
razor candy bar?
262
00:09:04,344 --> 00:09:05,110
What's happening?
263
00:09:05,112 --> 00:09:07,812
I jammed a lady razor
into a delicious treat
264
00:09:07,814 --> 00:09:10,815
to show Adam any crazy
person could do it.
265
00:09:10,817 --> 00:09:12,217
Why would you do that?
266
00:09:12,219 --> 00:09:13,718
You know
what a safety nut I am!
267
00:09:13,720 --> 00:09:15,053
I did it for safety!
268
00:09:15,055 --> 00:09:17,923
That is the opposite
of safety!
269
00:09:17,925 --> 00:09:18,323
I know!
270
00:09:18,325 --> 00:09:20,926
Oh, God.
I got to go find it!
271
00:09:20,928 --> 00:09:22,827
I must save the children!
272
00:09:22,829 --> 00:09:25,030
ADULT ADAM:
And save them she would.
273
00:09:25,032 --> 00:09:26,298
Safety check!
274
00:09:26,300 --> 00:09:28,099
Give me your candy.
No.
275
00:09:28,101 --> 00:09:29,768
I'm not asking,
I'm taking.
276
00:09:29,770 --> 00:09:30,936
Give it.
No!
277
00:09:30,938 --> 00:09:32,370
Give it!
278
00:09:32,372 --> 00:09:34,673
Young man!
Young man.
279
00:09:34,675 --> 00:09:37,976
I'm not a street tough,
I'm a concerned mama.
280
00:09:37,978 --> 00:09:39,544
I'm here for safety.
281
00:09:39,546 --> 00:09:40,679
Run towards safety.
282
00:09:40,681 --> 00:09:43,081
Run towards safety
and away from the razors.
283
00:09:43,083 --> 00:09:45,550
Spider-Man, give me
your (BLEEP) candy!
284
00:09:45,552 --> 00:09:47,018
I'm saving lives.
285
00:09:47,020 --> 00:09:48,853
I'm saving lives!
286
00:09:50,958 --> 00:09:52,357
ADULT ADAM:
Halloween was in full swing,
287
00:09:52,359 --> 00:09:55,460
and the night would be
more trick than treat.
288
00:09:55,462 --> 00:09:59,564
Yo! Guess who I am.
289
00:09:59,633 --> 00:10:00,265
Bruce Lee?
290
00:10:00,267 --> 00:10:03,268
What? No!
I'm Chuck Norris!
291
00:10:03,270 --> 00:10:03,868
Oh, yeah.
292
00:10:03,870 --> 00:10:07,439
It's kind of hard to read.
Can I fix it?
Please do.
293
00:10:09,309 --> 00:10:10,742
Perfect.
294
00:10:10,744 --> 00:10:12,077
You're a good person.
295
00:10:12,079 --> 00:10:13,945
Thanks for nothing,
jerks!
296
00:10:13,947 --> 00:10:17,315
You ruined my Halloween,
you ruined my relationship,
297
00:10:17,317 --> 00:10:18,883
and you ruined
my underpants.
298
00:10:18,885 --> 00:10:21,820
I haven't actually
checked yet,
but I know what I'm in for!
299
00:10:21,822 --> 00:10:25,423
Can we do this later?
Suck Norris and I have
several parties to hit.
300
00:10:25,425 --> 00:10:26,257
What?
301
00:10:26,259 --> 00:10:27,292
No, you can't go.
302
00:10:27,294 --> 00:10:29,327
I took your stupid advice,
and I freaked out
303
00:10:29,329 --> 00:10:30,795
in that haunted house
like a scared little baby.
304
00:10:30,797 --> 00:10:34,232
Dude, it's not our fault
you're a nervous,
jumpy, wuss-bag.
305
00:10:34,234 --> 00:10:36,468
Dana dropped her promise ring
in that haunted house.
306
00:10:36,470 --> 00:10:38,336
Barry, you got to go
in there and get it.
307
00:10:38,338 --> 00:10:40,305
No way.
We have six parties to hit.
308
00:10:40,307 --> 00:10:42,807
Come on, just help me.
You're always bragging
309
00:10:42,809 --> 00:10:45,477
that you're literally
not scared of anything
on earth.
310
00:10:45,479 --> 00:10:47,078
Or stuff in the sky,
like birds or meteors.
311
00:10:47,080 --> 00:10:50,281
And you've said many times
that you have
the strength of 10 men.
312
00:10:50,283 --> 00:10:51,516
And 44 medium-sized
children.
313
00:10:51,518 --> 00:10:53,652
And you have claimed
you're an unstoppable
killing force.
314
00:10:53,654 --> 00:10:58,156
I did karate kick
a jellyfish at the beach
that one time.
315
00:10:58,158 --> 00:11:01,393
It stung pretty bad,
but he floated away lifeless.
316
00:11:01,395 --> 00:11:03,795
My god!
Just go and do it already.
317
00:11:03,797 --> 00:11:04,629
Oh, fine.
318
00:11:04,631 --> 00:11:05,797
I guess
this is my burden to bear
319
00:11:05,799 --> 00:11:09,467
since I'm the one
born with extra testosterone
and no fear.
320
00:11:09,469 --> 00:11:10,168
You'll really help me?
321
00:11:10,170 --> 00:11:14,439
Dude, if anyone can find
that ring, it's this guy.
322
00:11:14,441 --> 00:11:16,574
ADULT ADAM: As I was
in search of my ring,
323
00:11:16,576 --> 00:11:18,643
my mom was hunting down
her razor candy.
324
00:11:18,645 --> 00:11:22,313
I'm home!
Come quick, I need your help.
325
00:11:27,487 --> 00:11:28,353
Holy crap!
326
00:11:28,355 --> 00:11:33,458
Did you take all that
from the tiny hands
of little children?
327
00:11:33,460 --> 00:11:34,893
And this.
328
00:11:35,829 --> 00:11:38,229
Bevy, the razor's
not in there.
329
00:11:38,231 --> 00:11:40,732
But it might be in here.
330
00:11:41,902 --> 00:11:42,567
I threw it away!
331
00:11:42,569 --> 00:11:45,804
You power-walked out of here
like a panther!
332
00:11:45,806 --> 00:11:47,172
We couldn't find you!
333
00:11:47,174 --> 00:11:50,141
Well, this is concerning.
334
00:11:50,143 --> 00:11:53,311
You... You have another bag,
don't you?
335
00:11:53,313 --> 00:11:55,180
ADULT ADAM: She did.
336
00:11:56,817 --> 00:11:57,882
(GRUNTS)
337
00:11:57,884 --> 00:12:01,086
She also had three more
in the car.
338
00:12:01,455 --> 00:12:03,088
Heavy. I got it.
339
00:12:04,057 --> 00:12:04,823
How far did you walk?
340
00:12:04,825 --> 00:12:08,126
Well, I didn't know
if that razor made it
to the next town.
341
00:12:08,128 --> 00:12:09,728
I had to be sure.
342
00:12:09,730 --> 00:12:10,361
(THUDDING)
343
00:12:10,363 --> 00:12:12,731
ADULT ADAM: And all those kids
she stole candy from
344
00:12:12,733 --> 00:12:15,433
were for sure
gonna get their revenge
345
00:12:15,435 --> 00:12:16,167
with a few dozen eggs.
346
00:12:16,169 --> 00:12:19,437
What are they doing?
Egging our house!
347
00:12:19,439 --> 00:12:20,605
Which we deserve.
348
00:12:20,607 --> 00:12:23,007
This is gonna stain
our aluminum siding!
349
00:12:23,009 --> 00:12:24,542
Again, well-deserved!
350
00:12:24,544 --> 00:12:27,312
Just give them
the candy back.
351
00:12:27,314 --> 00:12:28,313
(THUDDING CONTINUES)
352
00:12:28,315 --> 00:12:31,249
The only thing they're getting
is a lecture.
353
00:12:31,251 --> 00:12:32,717
ADULT ADAM: My mom
stormed into the dark night
354
00:12:32,719 --> 00:12:37,222
to defend our home
against Kermit the Frog
and Strawberry Shortcake.
355
00:12:37,224 --> 00:12:41,659
This is a waste
of groceries!
356
00:12:41,661 --> 00:12:42,060
(GRUNTS)
357
00:12:42,062 --> 00:12:45,130
ADULT ADAM: But it became
an alien standoff.
358
00:12:45,132 --> 00:12:48,032
Predator versus Alf.
359
00:12:48,368 --> 00:12:51,736
BEVERLY: Look both ways
when you cross the street!
360
00:12:52,706 --> 00:12:55,974
ADULT ADAM: Turns out,
years of power-walking
made her a power-runner,
361
00:12:55,976 --> 00:13:00,612
and Alf's little legs
were no match
for my angry smother.
362
00:13:01,381 --> 00:13:04,182
Hey, Bar, we don't
say this stuff much,
363
00:13:04,184 --> 00:13:07,018
but you're a good brother
for going in there for me.
364
00:13:07,020 --> 00:13:11,022
Yeah, yeah.
Thanks, I'm just gonna...
Yeah, yeah.
365
00:13:11,024 --> 00:13:12,724
Are you okay, man?
Of course I'm okay.
366
00:13:12,726 --> 00:13:14,492
Why wouldn't I be okay?
I'm an adult.
367
00:13:14,494 --> 00:13:16,895
(CHAINSAW MOTOR REVS)
Aah! What was that?
368
00:13:16,897 --> 00:13:17,462
Are you okay, man?
369
00:13:17,464 --> 00:13:19,864
Yeah! I just had
the bravery shakes, God.
370
00:13:19,866 --> 00:13:21,966
What's happening with you
right now?
371
00:13:21,968 --> 00:13:23,201
Look, I know
for some reason
372
00:13:23,203 --> 00:13:25,170
you think I have
extra testosterone
and no fear.
373
00:13:25,172 --> 00:13:30,175
Yeah, 'cause you've said
those exact words
for the last 10 years.
374
00:13:30,177 --> 00:13:31,976
Right, but the truth is,
375
00:13:31,978 --> 00:13:35,180
I actually have
a normal amount
of testosterone
376
00:13:35,182 --> 00:13:37,715
and a tremendous amount
of fear.
377
00:13:37,717 --> 00:13:38,716
Then why would you say it?
378
00:13:38,718 --> 00:13:41,619
I say it 'cause
people finding out
about my fear
379
00:13:41,621 --> 00:13:44,389
is my greatest fear.
(GROANS)
380
00:13:44,391 --> 00:13:45,857
Fine! Erica, you go in.
381
00:13:45,859 --> 00:13:50,061
Pass.
Seriously? You're scared
of haunted houses, too?
382
00:13:50,063 --> 00:13:50,695
Hell, no.
383
00:13:50,697 --> 00:13:52,430
But there's a frat guy
I made out with in there,
384
00:13:52,432 --> 00:13:56,167
and if I see him,
I know I'll fall
right back into it.
385
00:13:56,169 --> 00:13:58,369
And that's
my greatest fear.
386
00:13:58,371 --> 00:14:00,338
Or at least something
I would like to avoid.
387
00:14:00,340 --> 00:14:01,673
Come on!
Safety in numbers!
388
00:14:01,675 --> 00:14:03,808
We just have to
stick together.
389
00:14:03,944 --> 00:14:05,210
Okay, let's do this.
390
00:14:05,212 --> 00:14:07,946
But, wait!
How's my hair?
391
00:14:10,116 --> 00:14:11,382
Good.
392
00:14:11,384 --> 00:14:12,050
Yeah.
393
00:14:12,052 --> 00:14:14,586
ADULT ADAM: And with that,
the three of faced our fears.
394
00:14:14,588 --> 00:14:20,258
The plan was simple,
stick together at all costs.
395
00:14:20,894 --> 00:14:22,727
(DOOR HINGES CREAK,
DOOR SLAMS)
396
00:14:22,729 --> 00:14:24,028
(ALL GASP)
397
00:14:24,030 --> 00:14:27,031
(CHAINSAW MOTOR REVS)
(ALL SCREAM)
398
00:14:29,169 --> 00:14:30,768
(CHAINSAW STOPS)
399
00:14:31,605 --> 00:14:33,137
Yo, pretty, pretty.
400
00:14:33,139 --> 00:14:35,773
Hey, Anton!
Go, just go. Leave me.
401
00:14:35,775 --> 00:14:37,508
But what about
sticking together?
402
00:14:37,510 --> 00:14:39,944
So, Anton,
did you like, um,
403
00:14:39,946 --> 00:14:42,347
lose my number
or something?
404
00:14:45,518 --> 00:14:48,119
The ring's got to be
around here somewhere.
405
00:14:48,121 --> 00:14:50,521
(ROARS)
(BOTH SCREAM)
406
00:14:50,891 --> 00:14:52,957
My ankle!
Adam, help me!
407
00:14:52,959 --> 00:14:55,193
I can't hear you
through the fog!
408
00:14:55,195 --> 00:14:55,960
That's not how fog works!
409
00:14:55,962 --> 00:15:01,299
Goodbye, Barry!
You were a terrible brother,
but I love you!
410
00:15:01,301 --> 00:15:03,401
ADULT ADAM: That night,
I wasn't the only one
411
00:15:03,403 --> 00:15:05,136
facing an angry monster.
412
00:15:05,138 --> 00:15:06,704
Shame on you kids.
413
00:15:06,706 --> 00:15:11,576
Running around like hooligans
in the night, egging my house.
414
00:15:11,578 --> 00:15:14,312
(CHUCKLES) Your mothers
have failed as mothers,
415
00:15:14,314 --> 00:15:17,548
and they are gonna be livid
when I call them.
416
00:15:18,051 --> 00:15:18,683
Hello.
417
00:15:18,685 --> 00:15:21,252
May I give you another take
on this situation?
418
00:15:21,254 --> 00:15:22,020
Not now.
I'm on a roll.
419
00:15:22,022 --> 00:15:24,889
Has it occurred to you
that these children's parents
420
00:15:24,891 --> 00:15:27,258
might think differently,
given all the facts?
421
00:15:27,260 --> 00:15:30,061
It has not occurred to me
and will continue
to not occur to me.
422
00:15:30,063 --> 00:15:34,365
Well, it occurs to me
you've become everything
you fear on Halloween.
423
00:15:34,367 --> 00:15:35,800
Please. I have not.
424
00:15:35,802 --> 00:15:37,635
You hid a razor
in a chocolate bar.
425
00:15:37,637 --> 00:15:38,403
To prove a point.
426
00:15:38,405 --> 00:15:42,040
You stole candy from children
like a street tough.
427
00:15:42,042 --> 00:15:43,041
To protect them.
428
00:15:43,043 --> 00:15:46,210
And then there's
the kidnappings.
429
00:15:46,212 --> 00:15:47,912
All I did
was round them up
430
00:15:47,914 --> 00:15:49,547
and force them
into my house and...
431
00:15:49,549 --> 00:15:52,517
Oh, my God, that is bad.
(GASPS)
432
00:15:52,719 --> 00:15:53,184
Hiya, guys.
433
00:15:53,186 --> 00:15:56,921
On your way out,
you'll each find
a bag of candy
434
00:15:56,923 --> 00:15:58,222
that I put a $5 bill in,
435
00:15:58,224 --> 00:16:01,626
so maybe you shouldn't
mention this to your parents.
436
00:16:01,628 --> 00:16:04,262
And by the way,
have a happy Halloween.
437
00:16:04,264 --> 00:16:06,164
Your wife's nuts, dude.
438
00:16:06,166 --> 00:16:08,299
(LAUGHING) Oh, yeah.
439
00:16:10,937 --> 00:16:11,602
Kermit's right.
440
00:16:11,604 --> 00:16:13,504
I really did
lose it tonight.
441
00:16:13,506 --> 00:16:15,373
It's just Halloween.
Who cares?
442
00:16:15,375 --> 00:16:19,544
Don't you understand
what this night means to me?
443
00:16:19,546 --> 00:16:20,979
(SIGHS)
444
00:16:20,981 --> 00:16:21,746
No matter how old Adam got,
445
00:16:21,748 --> 00:16:25,950
he was always so happy
when we would go out
and get candy.
446
00:16:25,952 --> 00:16:28,252
His smile,
the excitement,
447
00:16:28,254 --> 00:16:31,255
his sweaty little hand
reaching up to grab mine,
448
00:16:31,257 --> 00:16:37,128
and now his sweaty little hand
is grabbing someone else's.
449
00:16:37,130 --> 00:16:39,464
He'll never need me again.
450
00:16:41,501 --> 00:16:44,002
You got anything savory?
451
00:16:45,805 --> 00:16:47,572
Please leave.
452
00:16:50,643 --> 00:16:52,176
ADULT ADAM: That night,
my mom realized
453
00:16:52,178 --> 00:16:54,145
it was time to let go of
her kids on Halloween,
454
00:16:54,147 --> 00:16:57,448
and my dad realized
he could help her through it.
455
00:16:57,450 --> 00:16:59,717
Hey. Look at me.
456
00:16:59,719 --> 00:17:03,654
I'm an alien man
just like you.
Na-nu, na-nu.
457
00:17:03,656 --> 00:17:04,655
What are you doing?
What is this?
458
00:17:04,657 --> 00:17:07,291
I thought, "Well, if you're
in a couples costume,
459
00:17:07,293 --> 00:17:09,060
"you might as well
be with someone
460
00:17:09,062 --> 00:17:11,429
"you're in
an actual couple with."
461
00:17:11,431 --> 00:17:13,965
You put together
this stupid thing for me?
462
00:17:13,967 --> 00:17:18,136
Yeah, you know, I'm not one
for sentimental crap.
463
00:17:18,138 --> 00:17:19,103
God! Son of a bitch!
464
00:17:19,105 --> 00:17:20,438
Just take it off.
I can't!
465
00:17:20,440 --> 00:17:24,142
This is a child's helmet.
It's like
sucking on my head.
466
00:17:24,144 --> 00:17:25,276
My head's in a vacuum.
467
00:17:25,278 --> 00:17:26,377
Why would you just
jam it on?
468
00:17:26,379 --> 00:17:29,514
The more you pull it off,
the more it clamps!
469
00:17:29,516 --> 00:17:30,748
Why would you do this?
470
00:17:30,750 --> 00:17:31,983
I just thought, you know,
471
00:17:31,985 --> 00:17:33,818
you can't have Halloween
with the kids anymore,
472
00:17:33,820 --> 00:17:36,621
and maybe you could
have Halloween with me.
473
00:17:37,957 --> 00:17:39,891
That is so sweet.
474
00:17:39,893 --> 00:17:41,159
And I would love that.
475
00:17:41,161 --> 00:17:42,293
Mama, I need you!
476
00:17:42,295 --> 00:17:44,195
Move!
Boopie, what's wrong?
477
00:17:44,197 --> 00:17:47,498
It's Barry!
He twisted his ankle
in the haunted house.
478
00:17:47,500 --> 00:17:48,199
Oh, no. Where's Erica?
479
00:17:48,201 --> 00:17:50,968
She's in there, too,
with a frat boy named Anton.
480
00:17:50,970 --> 00:17:52,570
Oh, hell, no!
481
00:17:52,572 --> 00:17:54,439
¶ We're running with
the shadows of the night
482
00:17:54,441 --> 00:17:57,341
All right, so we'll put a pin
in the couples costume.
483
00:17:57,343 --> 00:18:00,511
Maybe after Adam
goes to college.
484
00:18:00,513 --> 00:18:02,847
¶ They'll come true
(GROANS)
485
00:18:02,849 --> 00:18:05,950
¶ In the end
486
00:18:10,023 --> 00:18:11,956
(GROWLS)
487
00:18:13,359 --> 00:18:14,459
ADULT ADAM:
Turns out, that night,
488
00:18:14,461 --> 00:18:18,596
the scariest thing in that
haunted house was my mom.
489
00:18:18,598 --> 00:18:19,964
What the...
490
00:18:19,966 --> 00:18:21,165
BEVERLY: Move it!
491
00:18:21,167 --> 00:18:21,999
Out of my way!
492
00:18:22,001 --> 00:18:23,334
¶ You said, oh, girl
Back off, punk!
493
00:18:23,336 --> 00:18:25,103
¶ It's a cold world
Oh!
494
00:18:25,105 --> 00:18:28,106
¶ When you keep it all
to yourself
Mom kick!
495
00:18:29,175 --> 00:18:29,841
Mom slap!
496
00:18:29,843 --> 00:18:31,509
¶ I said, you can't hide
You! Out!
497
00:18:31,511 --> 00:18:33,478
Damn it! Call me?
¶ On the inside
498
00:18:33,480 --> 00:18:37,415
¶ All the pain
you've ever felt
Do not call her!
499
00:18:37,684 --> 00:18:39,951
ADULT ADAM: Dana's ring
wasn't the only thing
I found that night.
500
00:18:39,953 --> 00:18:44,689
I also discovered
that my mom and I
made quite the team.
501
00:18:44,691 --> 00:18:45,623
I found the ring.
502
00:18:45,625 --> 00:18:47,892
Then go. I'll stay
and find your brother.
503
00:18:47,894 --> 00:18:50,061
¶ We're running with
the shadows of the night
Thanks, mama.
504
00:18:50,063 --> 00:18:52,463
You got it,
my little alien.
505
00:18:52,765 --> 00:18:53,531
¶ So, baby, take my hand
506
00:18:53,533 --> 00:18:56,300
ADULT ADAM: And even though
that was our last
couples costume,
507
00:18:56,302 --> 00:18:58,603
it turned out to be
the best one ever.
508
00:18:58,605 --> 00:19:00,071
¶ Surrender all your dreams
to me tonight
509
00:19:00,073 --> 00:19:04,575
As much as my mom savored
every single Halloween
when I was little,
510
00:19:04,577 --> 00:19:07,545
this was the one
she'd remember forever.
511
00:19:08,014 --> 00:19:09,647
Aah! My ankle.
512
00:19:09,649 --> 00:19:13,084
It's all right, love bug.
You're safe now.
513
00:19:13,086 --> 00:19:15,319
You hear that, Bar?
Mom saved us.
514
00:19:15,321 --> 00:19:17,688
We are the luckiest kids
in the world.
515
00:19:17,690 --> 00:19:19,056
You're grounded
for a month.
516
00:19:19,058 --> 00:19:20,191
For sure.
(CHUCKLES)
517
00:19:20,193 --> 00:19:23,861
¶ Use every alibi
and words you deny
518
00:19:23,863 --> 00:19:27,331
¶ That love ain't meant
to last
519
00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:29,934
¶ You can cry tough, baby
520
00:19:29,936 --> 00:19:31,602
¶ It's all right
ADULT ADAM:
That's the thing about love.
521
00:19:31,604 --> 00:19:33,404
¶ You can let me down easy
When you face your fears...
522
00:19:33,406 --> 00:19:35,072
¶ But not tonight
...you can finally
take off your mask
523
00:19:35,074 --> 00:19:37,408
and show people
who you really are.
524
00:19:37,410 --> 00:19:41,479
¶ We're running with
the shadows of the night
525
00:19:41,481 --> 00:19:44,115
¶ So, baby, take my hand,
it'll be all right
526
00:19:44,117 --> 00:19:45,516
Sorry for using you
as a human shield and all.
527
00:19:45,518 --> 00:19:49,854
¶ Surrender all your dreams
to me tonight
Well, you went back in.
528
00:19:49,856 --> 00:19:51,189
¶ They'll come true
It was so scary in there.
529
00:19:51,191 --> 00:19:54,492
¶ In the end
It was, but losing you
was even scarier.
530
00:19:54,494 --> 00:19:55,793
¶ We're running with
the shadows of the night
531
00:19:55,795 --> 00:19:57,395
You know,
Halloween isn't over.
532
00:19:57,397 --> 00:19:58,796
It... It's not too late
to get some candy.
533
00:19:58,798 --> 00:20:00,665
¶ So, baby, take my hand
it'll be all right
Candy sounds great.
534
00:20:00,667 --> 00:20:03,234
¶ Surrender all your dreams
to me tonight
ADULT ADAM: So my first
535
00:20:03,236 --> 00:20:05,570
adult Halloween ended
the way it always did,
536
00:20:05,572 --> 00:20:06,470
with me and Dana
getting candy.
537
00:20:06,472 --> 00:20:09,640
¶ They'll come true in the end
And it couldn't have been
more perfect.
538
00:20:09,642 --> 00:20:11,309
You gonna go keep him safe?
539
00:20:11,311 --> 00:20:12,543
¶ We're running with
the shadows of the night
540
00:20:12,545 --> 00:20:16,614
Actually, I think
he'll be all right
without me.
541
00:20:16,616 --> 00:20:18,416
¶ So, baby, take my hand,
it'll be all right
542
00:20:18,418 --> 00:20:20,751
But watching from a distance
can't hurt.
543
00:20:20,753 --> 00:20:23,921
¶ Surrender all your dreams
to me tonight ¶
544
00:20:23,923 --> 00:20:25,623
ADULT ADAM: Growing up,
there's a lot to be afraid of,
545
00:20:25,625 --> 00:20:29,860
but when you know
in your heart
your family has your back,
546
00:20:29,862 --> 00:20:32,530
nothing in life is scary.
547
00:20:41,241 --> 00:20:43,241
BOY 1: Yo, man,
this place is really crazy.
548
00:20:43,243 --> 00:20:47,311
BOY2: I KNOW.
God, it looks
scary in the dark.
549
00:20:47,313 --> 00:20:49,113
Oh, this is so creepy.
550
00:20:49,115 --> 00:20:50,581
Look at the cobwebs.
551
00:20:50,583 --> 00:20:52,984
Whoa. What's that?
552
00:20:53,119 --> 00:20:53,884
What was that?
553
00:20:53,886 --> 00:20:55,753
MAN: Aah!
(BOYS SCREAMS)
554
00:21:00,293 --> 00:21:02,994
BEVERLY:
Who wants waffles?
555
00:21:03,596 --> 00:21:05,763
Kids, come on down!
556
00:21:05,765 --> 00:21:07,298
Here you go, Murray.
(PLATE SHATTERS)
557
00:21:07,300 --> 00:21:11,302
Oops. I almost forgot...
I need to get
the kids' lunch money.
558
00:21:11,304 --> 00:21:14,805
Mom's got to stop wearing
her old Halloween costume.
She won't.
559
00:21:14,807 --> 00:21:18,276
BEVERLY:
Whoever's standing there,
let go of my purse.
560
00:21:18,278 --> 00:21:19,143
Her new perm
didn't settle right.
561
00:21:19,145 --> 00:21:21,779
She doesn't want anyone to see
what's going on under there.
(THUMPING)
562
00:21:21,781 --> 00:21:24,915
BEVERLY: (LAUGHS)
Still getting the hang
of this thing.
563
00:21:24,917 --> 00:21:26,984
Yeah, we should go.
564
00:21:26,986 --> 00:21:28,219
BEVERLY: Help your mother.
565
00:21:28,221 --> 00:21:30,888
You have 30 seconds
to comply.