1
00:00:00,067 --> 00:00:03,535
ADULT ADAM: Back in the day,
I was a ridiculously cute kid.
2
00:00:03,537 --> 00:00:06,405
Yes! I am literally
the coolest man alive!
3
00:00:06,407 --> 00:00:08,273
I'm not bragging.
It's just pure fact.
4
00:00:08,275 --> 00:00:09,675
My God,
you're so cute!
5
00:00:09,677 --> 00:00:11,810
I just want to scrumple you up
and eat you whole!
6
00:00:11,812 --> 00:00:15,581
But of course,
no one stays a kid forever.
7
00:00:15,583 --> 00:00:17,349
Yeah.
8
00:00:17,351 --> 00:00:18,317
You sure about this?
9
00:00:18,319 --> 00:00:19,518
People are gonna know
I'm covering up a zit.
10
00:00:19,520 --> 00:00:23,489
Don't worry, pal.
I'll just tell everyone in
school I pummeled your face.
11
00:00:23,491 --> 00:00:25,791
You're a good brother.
The best.
12
00:00:25,793 --> 00:00:28,861
Here, you got a giant one
forming on your forehead, too.
13
00:00:28,863 --> 00:00:33,832
Maybe I could hide
the pimples, but the rest
was hard to mask.
14
00:00:33,834 --> 00:00:35,501
Let's go! Hustle!
15
00:00:35,503 --> 00:00:36,668
This is called scooter ball,
16
00:00:36,670 --> 00:00:39,538
not "sit in the corner
and talk to Kevin" ball.
17
00:00:39,540 --> 00:00:41,173
I began to smell different.
18
00:00:41,175 --> 00:00:43,375
Whoa, Goldfarb!
19
00:00:43,377 --> 00:00:44,843
Wheel it in!
20
00:00:45,312 --> 00:00:46,645
Time for a private huddle!
21
00:00:46,647 --> 00:00:48,881
I'm gonna put this
delicately, kid.
22
00:00:48,883 --> 00:00:51,083
You smell like
a gym sock's butt.
23
00:00:51,085 --> 00:00:51,683
Uh, thanks.
24
00:00:51,685 --> 00:00:53,318
You smell like
a garlic diaper.
Thanks?
25
00:00:53,320 --> 00:00:56,121
You smell like egg salad
left in a humidifier.
Thanks.
26
00:00:56,123 --> 00:01:00,225
I assume you don't notice
since you live
with that stink 24/7.
27
00:01:00,227 --> 00:01:01,226
Oh, no, I smell it.
28
00:01:01,228 --> 00:01:03,662
There's half a Speed Stick
in my desk.
29
00:01:03,664 --> 00:01:06,131
It's yours now.
Be liberal with it.
30
00:01:06,133 --> 00:01:07,099
Coach is
on your team here.
31
00:01:07,101 --> 00:01:08,667
That's why
I pulled you aside
to avoid embarrassment.
32
00:01:08,669 --> 00:01:13,639
I guess I wish you would have
pulled me aside
just a little farther.
33
00:01:14,208 --> 00:01:17,276
ADULT ADAM: I was eating
like an animal
and suddenly seeing
34
00:01:17,278 --> 00:01:19,411
every woman I came across
in a new light.
35
00:01:19,413 --> 00:01:23,415
You seen my, uh, TV guide
with Sally Jessy Raphael
on the cover?
36
00:01:23,417 --> 00:01:25,050
Mmm-mmm, nope.
37
00:01:25,052 --> 00:01:26,485
Hmm.
38
00:01:28,255 --> 00:01:29,788
Every woman.
39
00:01:29,790 --> 00:01:30,289
Man, oh, man.
40
00:01:30,291 --> 00:01:33,926
Those looks
and emotional intelligence
to boot?
41
00:01:33,928 --> 00:01:34,426
Whoa.
42
00:01:34,428 --> 00:01:37,963
But worst of all,
it affected my favorite
activity in the world,
43
00:01:37,965 --> 00:01:39,932
the annual school musical.
44
00:01:39,934 --> 00:01:40,966
Welcome, Mr. Goldberg.
45
00:01:40,968 --> 00:01:43,302
I have a feeling
that this might be
the year
46
00:01:43,304 --> 00:01:45,771
that you finally break out
of the chorus.
47
00:01:46,207 --> 00:01:47,673
(PIANO PLAYING)
48
00:01:47,675 --> 00:01:50,709
¶ I'm watching sis
go pitter pat
49
00:01:50,711 --> 00:01:53,212
¶ Said, I can do that,
I can do that ¶
50
00:01:53,214 --> 00:01:55,581
ADULT ADAM: Turns out,
I could not do that.
51
00:01:55,583 --> 00:01:59,284
(SIGHS)
Well, you, um...
You really...
52
00:01:59,286 --> 00:02:00,552
Really sang it.
53
00:02:00,554 --> 00:02:01,220
You sang it.
54
00:02:01,222 --> 00:02:03,655
I know in past years
I was upset when you put me
in the chorus.
55
00:02:03,657 --> 00:02:05,724
But I'm thinking this year,
it feels right.
56
00:02:05,726 --> 00:02:08,293
Done.
You're in the chorus.
57
00:02:08,295 --> 00:02:09,428
Oh, thank God.
58
00:02:09,430 --> 00:02:12,698
Chorus line,
which is a lead!
59
00:02:12,700 --> 00:02:13,866
But I'm in the chorus.
60
00:02:13,868 --> 00:02:15,033
Line.
Oh, thank God.
61
00:02:15,035 --> 00:02:17,236
Which means
you have a big solo.
62
00:02:17,238 --> 00:02:18,770
But I'm in the chorus.
Line.
63
00:02:18,772 --> 00:02:21,940
But did you not hear
the sounds I just made?
64
00:02:21,942 --> 00:02:25,344
Adam, every boy your age
sounds like you.
65
00:02:25,346 --> 00:02:27,613
And, honestly,
I don't have that much
to work with here,
66
00:02:27,615 --> 00:02:28,947
so I might as well
just give the leads
67
00:02:28,949 --> 00:02:30,415
to the most
enthusiastic kids.
68
00:02:30,417 --> 00:02:32,618
Balls.
Yeah, balls.
69
00:02:32,620 --> 00:02:36,555
Okay, uh,
let's take it from the top.
Sing it with me.
70
00:02:36,557 --> 00:02:39,958
BOTH:
¶ I'm watching sis go
pitter pat
71
00:02:39,960 --> 00:02:40,626
Try to stay in the key.
72
00:02:40,628 --> 00:02:43,228
¶ I'm watching sis
go pitter pat
73
00:02:43,230 --> 00:02:44,930
You're kind of all over
the map. Okay.
74
00:02:44,932 --> 00:02:47,799
¶ I'm watching sis
go pitter pat
75
00:02:47,801 --> 00:02:48,500
¶ I can do that ¶
76
00:02:48,502 --> 00:02:50,102
You know,
it's mostly a dance show,
77
00:02:50,104 --> 00:02:51,837
and you bring a lot
of dance energy.
78
00:02:51,839 --> 00:02:54,406
You'll get it.
Balls.
79
00:02:54,608 --> 00:02:55,641
¶ I'm twisted up inside
80
00:02:55,643 --> 00:02:59,912
¶ But nonetheless
I feel the need to say"
81
00:03:02,249 --> 00:03:03,048
¶ I don't know the future
82
00:03:03,050 --> 00:03:07,252
¶ But the past keeps getting
clearer every day ¶
83
00:03:07,922 --> 00:03:10,022
ADULT ADAM: It was
September 30, 1980-something,
84
00:03:10,024 --> 00:03:13,258
and my brother
and his idiot posse, the JTP,
85
00:03:13,260 --> 00:03:15,494
were gearing up
for the homecoming dance.
86
00:03:15,496 --> 00:03:16,495
What's happening?
What is this?
87
00:03:16,497 --> 00:03:19,131
Homecoming's in four days,
so it's time to give my boys
88
00:03:19,133 --> 00:03:21,366
a crash-course lesson
on how to groove
like Milli Vanilli.
89
00:03:21,368 --> 00:03:25,337
We all kind of told our dates
that we could dance,
so thank God for Barry.
90
00:03:25,339 --> 00:03:27,739
No.
Thank God for Milli.
91
00:03:27,741 --> 00:03:28,507
Vanilli, not so much.
92
00:03:28,509 --> 00:03:30,809
Wait, wait.
You choose Milli
over Vanilli?
93
00:03:30,811 --> 00:03:31,944
He's got the body
and the moves.
94
00:03:31,946 --> 00:03:34,780
Uh, if he's so great,
then why isn't it
Vanilli Milli?
95
00:03:34,782 --> 00:03:37,349
Milli proceeds Vanilli,
so suck it.
96
00:03:37,351 --> 00:03:38,350
You suck it.
You suck it.
97
00:03:38,352 --> 00:03:42,354
Wow, even you three boneheads
found a date to the dance.
98
00:03:42,356 --> 00:03:43,455
Kind of makes you think,
huh?
99
00:03:43,457 --> 00:03:45,190
Like maybe you need
a date for once?
100
00:03:45,192 --> 00:03:47,459
What are you talking about?
I date.
BARRY: No.
101
00:03:47,461 --> 00:03:48,560
You third-wheel
me and Lainey.
102
00:03:48,562 --> 00:03:50,662
Look, the only reason
why I haven't been on a date
103
00:03:50,664 --> 00:03:52,397
is because there's no one
at our school worth dating.
104
00:03:52,399 --> 00:03:54,566
Well, if you want to go
to homecoming with me,
105
00:03:54,568 --> 00:03:56,001
I'll totally drop
my foxy lady.
106
00:03:56,003 --> 00:03:57,069
Your foxy lady's
your cousin.
107
00:03:57,071 --> 00:03:59,471
Second-cousin.
Totally different
blood line.
108
00:03:59,473 --> 00:04:00,706
Probably not gonna
do stuff, though.
109
00:04:00,708 --> 00:04:01,740
She looks just like me
with a perm.
110
00:04:01,742 --> 00:04:04,943
Erica, you know I love you,
but you're kind of closed off
and way too picky.
111
00:04:04,945 --> 00:04:06,578
I mean, stay away from Geoff,
obviously,
112
00:04:06,580 --> 00:04:07,679
but you got to give
someone a chance.
113
00:04:07,681 --> 00:04:11,350
How is it my fault
that every guy in our school
is an unbearable moron?
114
00:04:11,352 --> 00:04:14,820
That's another thing.
You've got to stop calling
everyone a moron.
115
00:04:14,822 --> 00:04:17,189
Morons!
You're being too loud!
116
00:04:17,191 --> 00:04:19,591
Find another house
to stupid up.
117
00:04:19,593 --> 00:04:23,495
Oh. My. God.
You're just like dad!
118
00:04:23,497 --> 00:04:24,696
Way to go, Mur-man.
119
00:04:24,698 --> 00:04:26,765
Years of calling everyone
on the planet a moron
120
00:04:26,767 --> 00:04:30,035
has poisoned
your daughter's love life
and left her cold and alone.
121
00:04:30,037 --> 00:04:31,770
So you're telling me
that I've raised a daughter
122
00:04:31,772 --> 00:04:35,207
who doesn't want to date
dumbass high-school boys?
123
00:04:35,209 --> 00:04:36,708
I think
I've done my job.
124
00:04:36,710 --> 00:04:38,910
Come on.
Let us help you find someone.
125
00:04:38,912 --> 00:04:40,045
Go on.
Describe your perfect guy.
126
00:04:40,047 --> 00:04:43,548
Well, he'd be
a mysterious
handsome outsider
127
00:04:43,550 --> 00:04:44,716
with a trench coat,
a sexy voice,
128
00:04:44,718 --> 00:04:49,855
and a thriving acting career
where he plays the
thinking girl's heartthrob.
129
00:04:49,857 --> 00:04:53,325
Dude, you're just describing
Christian Slater.
130
00:04:53,327 --> 00:04:55,360
Seriously?
You're a lost cause.
131
00:04:55,362 --> 00:04:56,094
Well, you asked.
132
00:04:56,096 --> 00:04:59,131
Look, if a guy
like Christian Slater
walks through that door,
133
00:04:59,133 --> 00:05:01,767
I promise you I will go
with him to homecoming.
134
00:05:01,769 --> 00:05:02,601
Christian Slater, huh?
135
00:05:02,603 --> 00:05:05,370
You want the coolest guy
in the world?
You got him.
136
00:05:05,372 --> 00:05:06,938
What's that?
137
00:05:07,174 --> 00:05:10,008
Nothing,
I just farted. I...
138
00:05:10,010 --> 00:05:11,777
I farted.
139
00:05:12,413 --> 00:05:13,178
I fart... I gotta go.
140
00:05:13,180 --> 00:05:17,416
ADULT ADAM: While Geoff
was hatching a plan,
I was out of options.
141
00:05:17,418 --> 00:05:19,985
(GASPS)
There's my
tiny snuggle angel.
142
00:05:19,987 --> 00:05:24,289
Stop it!
I'm not tiny
or snuggly or angel-y.
143
00:05:24,291 --> 00:05:25,590
Tough day
at the office, kiddo?
144
00:05:25,592 --> 00:05:28,026
The worst.
I got the lead
in the musical.
145
00:05:28,028 --> 00:05:31,663
Schmoo, that's fantastic.
That's all
you've ever wanted.
146
00:05:31,665 --> 00:05:32,998
Not anymore.
147
00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:35,300
My face is breaking out,
my pits are stinking,
148
00:05:35,302 --> 00:05:39,237
and my voice is very,
very unpredictable.
149
00:05:39,239 --> 00:05:41,173
I finally get
the part of a lifetime,
150
00:05:41,175 --> 00:05:43,008
and I'm gonna just
humiliate myself.
151
00:05:43,010 --> 00:05:46,545
Ah, yes, the wondrous journey
through puberty.
152
00:05:46,547 --> 00:05:48,213
It's not wondrous.
It's awful.
153
00:05:48,215 --> 00:05:50,649
Well, you've come
to the right place.
154
00:05:50,651 --> 00:05:51,249
Oh, no.
155
00:05:51,251 --> 00:05:53,518
It's my duty
to help you out,
baby bro.
156
00:05:53,520 --> 00:05:58,924
Only Big Tasty can guide
you through what many call
"the pubening."
157
00:05:58,926 --> 00:06:00,158
No one calls it that.
158
00:06:00,160 --> 00:06:01,093
First,
stop washing your face.
159
00:06:01,095 --> 00:06:04,429
You'll go through
a very shiny,
greasy couple of months.
160
00:06:04,431 --> 00:06:06,965
But eventually,
your natural oils reach
a healthy balance.
161
00:06:06,967 --> 00:06:08,066
Why does he do this?
I don't know.
162
00:06:08,068 --> 00:06:11,703
Second, always shave dry
and against the grain,
163
00:06:11,705 --> 00:06:15,474
attacking the follicles
in a jerky, zig-zag pattern.
164
00:06:15,476 --> 00:06:17,175
And third,
never use deodorant.
165
00:06:17,177 --> 00:06:20,512
That's just something
that big corporations
made up to take your money.
166
00:06:20,514 --> 00:06:24,216
Simply apply
a healthy layer
of Vaseline to the armpit
167
00:06:24,218 --> 00:06:25,417
and let it seal in
the stink.
168
00:06:25,419 --> 00:06:26,551
He's still going.
He means well.
169
00:06:26,553 --> 00:06:31,022
Think of me as a resource.
I'm here for you, bro.
170
00:06:31,425 --> 00:06:34,926
Thank you, boopie.
So helpful.
171
00:06:35,062 --> 00:06:36,361
Forget everything
you just heard.
172
00:06:36,363 --> 00:06:38,764
If anyone understands
what you're going through,
it's mama.
173
00:06:38,766 --> 00:06:42,934
No offense, Mom,
but you have no idea
how hard this is for me.
174
00:06:42,936 --> 00:06:44,870
Please, I've watched
two children
175
00:06:44,872 --> 00:06:46,605
go through the pubening.
(CHUCKLES)
176
00:06:46,607 --> 00:06:50,342
Heck, I even
went through it myself
at the tender age of 9.
177
00:06:50,344 --> 00:06:51,209
It wasn't ideal.
178
00:06:51,211 --> 00:06:52,644
They used
to call me "Booberly."
179
00:06:52,646 --> 00:06:54,746
But this is
just something all of us
180
00:06:54,748 --> 00:06:57,149
had to suffer through
on our own.
181
00:06:57,151 --> 00:06:57,949
Now you will, too.
182
00:06:57,951 --> 00:07:02,254
Or completely
skip over.
183
00:07:02,256 --> 00:07:02,587
Hmm?
184
00:07:02,589 --> 00:07:05,424
With my guidance,
I'll take this
horrible time
185
00:07:05,426 --> 00:07:08,226
and make it smooth, easy,
and maybe a little bit fun.
186
00:07:08,228 --> 00:07:11,196
Are you actually saying
you could save me
from puberty?
187
00:07:11,198 --> 00:07:11,930
No! She can't.
188
00:07:11,932 --> 00:07:15,333
Yes, that is exactly
what I'm saying.
189
00:07:15,335 --> 00:07:17,803
At this point,
I got nothing to lose.
190
00:07:17,805 --> 00:07:18,737
Show me
what you got, lady.
191
00:07:18,739 --> 00:07:20,539
ADULT ADAM: While I put
my faith in my mother,
192
00:07:20,541 --> 00:07:24,176
Geoff Schwartz
put his in Christian Slater.
193
00:07:24,178 --> 00:07:26,511
Greetings and salutations.
194
00:07:26,513 --> 00:07:27,279
Lovely home
you got here.
195
00:07:27,281 --> 00:07:30,015
What's going on?
Why are you talking
like a jackass?
196
00:07:30,017 --> 00:07:33,118
Erica said she wanted
a Christian Slater,
so here I am.
197
00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:35,987
I know it's a long shot,
but I just think
your daughter's amazing.
198
00:07:35,989 --> 00:07:39,858
And if you approve,
I'd love to take her
to homecoming.
199
00:07:40,627 --> 00:07:41,159
Erica!
200
00:07:41,161 --> 00:07:42,794
You've got
a gentleman suitor.
201
00:07:42,796 --> 00:07:45,330
You're one
of the good ones, Mr. G.
202
00:07:45,332 --> 00:07:47,666
ERICA: A gentleman what?
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
203
00:07:49,269 --> 00:07:51,236
Greetings and salutations.
204
00:07:51,238 --> 00:07:55,507
I was just skateboarding by,
gleaming the cube and whatnot.
205
00:07:55,509 --> 00:07:56,575
Thought we could go
grab a slushie.
206
00:07:56,577 --> 00:08:00,445
Oh, my God, are you trying
to impress me by acting
like Christian slater?
207
00:08:00,447 --> 00:08:02,147
Is it working?
No.
208
00:08:02,149 --> 00:08:03,281
And your clip-on earring
just popped off.
209
00:08:03,283 --> 00:08:06,685
Okay, look, I, I just...
I think you're great,
okay?
210
00:08:06,687 --> 00:08:08,353
I have since, like,
second grade.
211
00:08:08,355 --> 00:08:10,188
Now, I know I made promises
to my cousin,
212
00:08:10,190 --> 00:08:13,191
but maybe we could go
to homecoming together?
213
00:08:13,193 --> 00:08:14,659
Oh, Geoff,
this was sweet,
214
00:08:14,661 --> 00:08:16,828
but I have a pretty firm
"no moron" policy.
215
00:08:16,830 --> 00:08:18,430
Question,
am I in that category?
For sure.
216
00:08:18,432 --> 00:08:23,401
Uh, so, um... Okay,
so I'll put you down
for a "maybe."
217
00:08:24,037 --> 00:08:26,738
God, what a putz.
Am I right?
218
00:08:26,740 --> 00:08:29,007
ADULT ADAM: At that moment,
my dad realized that perhaps
219
00:08:29,009 --> 00:08:32,811
his judgmental nature
may have rubbed off
on his daughter.
220
00:08:32,813 --> 00:08:36,181
And he decided
to do something about it.
221
00:08:36,817 --> 00:08:38,416
Wow, who knew
so many interesting
222
00:08:38,418 --> 00:08:41,786
and attractive young men
went to this school?
223
00:08:41,788 --> 00:08:42,487
They're okay, I guess.
224
00:08:42,489 --> 00:08:45,423
Yeah, lots of fellas who look
like they'd be worth
getting to know.
225
00:08:45,425 --> 00:08:46,391
I should put myself
out there more.
226
00:08:46,393 --> 00:08:50,896
Oh, look at that one
with the stylish scarf
and the sketchbook...
227
00:08:50,898 --> 00:08:52,597
A poet and an artist,
I bet.
228
00:08:52,599 --> 00:08:53,431
That's Dan.
(CHUCKLES)
229
00:08:53,433 --> 00:08:56,134
He's shy, but I think
I could crack open that nut.
230
00:08:56,136 --> 00:08:57,802
Hey, how about
that hot shot?
231
00:08:57,804 --> 00:09:00,105
Is he a swimmer?
He's built like a swimmer.
232
00:09:00,107 --> 00:09:01,706
Look at those shoulders.
He swims, for sure.
233
00:09:01,708 --> 00:09:04,743
Will you shut up?
I'm not even talking
to you.
234
00:09:04,745 --> 00:09:06,678
Well, I certainly hope
you're not talking to me.
235
00:09:06,680 --> 00:09:09,614
Hey, take it from someone
who doesn't like people.
236
00:09:09,616 --> 00:09:13,285
If you close yourself off,
you're gonna
miss out on a lot.
237
00:09:13,287 --> 00:09:15,587
So my dad wants me
to date more?
238
00:09:15,589 --> 00:09:16,321
It's homecoming!
239
00:09:16,323 --> 00:09:19,491
There's got to be
a nice guy somewhere
who deserves a chance.
240
00:09:19,493 --> 00:09:19,991
You're right!
241
00:09:19,993 --> 00:09:22,027
I'm gonna go ask Dan
to sit with me at lunch,
242
00:09:22,029 --> 00:09:24,095
see what makes
that guy tick.
243
00:09:24,097 --> 00:09:25,630
(GROANS)
Thanks, Dad.
244
00:09:25,632 --> 00:09:26,731
Yes, this is amazing!
245
00:09:26,733 --> 00:09:29,534
Your dad actually
provided you
with real wisdom for once.
246
00:09:29,536 --> 00:09:31,102
Chill, I didn't say
I was going to the dance.
247
00:09:31,104 --> 00:09:33,738
I just said
I would consider it
if an idiot asked me.
248
00:09:33,740 --> 00:09:36,508
Got it.
We'll play it cool
and casually spread the word.
249
00:09:36,510 --> 00:09:39,411
Attention, entire school!
250
00:09:39,413 --> 00:09:40,712
This is Erica Goldberg,
251
00:09:40,714 --> 00:09:44,249
and she will go
to homecoming
with anyone willing to ask.
252
00:09:44,251 --> 00:09:45,817
Barry, sit your ass down
right now.
253
00:09:45,819 --> 00:09:47,886
Uh, to clarify,
she's not a desperate loser.
254
00:09:47,888 --> 00:09:51,756
She's just super closed-off,
and the door's open a crack.
(CHUCKLES)
255
00:09:51,758 --> 00:09:54,726
Which reminds me, Dan,
we're hanging out
after school.
256
00:09:54,728 --> 00:09:56,361
I, I have a dentist
appointment, bro.
257
00:09:56,363 --> 00:09:59,464
Cancel it!
We're building
something here!
258
00:10:00,067 --> 00:10:01,499
Get down.
259
00:10:01,501 --> 00:10:02,200
Subtle. Thank you.
260
00:10:02,202 --> 00:10:04,769
Well, the good news is
now we can just
sit back and wait.
261
00:10:04,771 --> 00:10:06,972
Well, don't hold
your breath.
(SCOFFS)
262
00:10:06,974 --> 00:10:09,541
(SAXOPHONE PLAYS)
263
00:10:11,645 --> 00:10:13,178
'Sup?
264
00:10:13,180 --> 00:10:13,578
Hi.
265
00:10:13,580 --> 00:10:16,481
I'm Johnny Atkins.
Heard you needed a date
to homecoming.
266
00:10:16,483 --> 00:10:17,182
Sure, I guess.
267
00:10:17,184 --> 00:10:20,051
You ever been out
with a first chair
in the school band before?
268
00:10:20,053 --> 00:10:20,518
No.
269
00:10:20,520 --> 00:10:22,520
Well, it's everything
you ever imagined.
270
00:10:22,522 --> 00:10:25,390
I'll phone you,
saxophone you.
271
00:10:25,392 --> 00:10:27,425
We're gonna have fun.
272
00:10:27,427 --> 00:10:29,594
(SAXOPHONE PLAYS)
273
00:10:30,430 --> 00:10:32,197
Dude's confident,
I'll give him that.
274
00:10:32,199 --> 00:10:33,632
You've got a date
to the dance.
275
00:10:33,634 --> 00:10:35,734
Everybody's happy,
and it all worked out.
276
00:10:35,736 --> 00:10:36,401
What did I miss?
277
00:10:36,403 --> 00:10:38,136
We met a first chair
in the school band.
278
00:10:38,138 --> 00:10:40,071
ADULT ADAM: While Erica
landed a date,
279
00:10:40,073 --> 00:10:43,074
I landed a seat
at the Gimbels makeup counter.
280
00:10:43,076 --> 00:10:46,277
What kind of sorcery
is this?
281
00:10:46,279 --> 00:10:48,913
My giant zits are gone!
282
00:10:49,983 --> 00:10:51,282
Mama made you
a promise.
283
00:10:51,284 --> 00:10:54,653
Now your adorable punim
is ready to light up
that stage.
284
00:10:54,655 --> 00:10:57,555
Just one problem,
My singing voice.
285
00:10:57,557 --> 00:10:58,990
My mom couldn't fix that.
286
00:10:58,992 --> 00:11:02,394
That is, until some news broke
that shook the country.
287
00:11:02,396 --> 00:11:03,962
They've become
international stars.
288
00:11:03,964 --> 00:11:05,830
But behind the braids
and break-dancing,
289
00:11:05,832 --> 00:11:07,465
it's been discovered
that Milli Vanilli
290
00:11:07,467 --> 00:11:10,335
neither sang on their albums
nor at their concerts.
291
00:11:10,337 --> 00:11:13,838
That's unreal.
They fooled everyone.
292
00:11:13,840 --> 00:11:16,641
Yes, they really did.
293
00:11:16,643 --> 00:11:19,210
And maybe
you can fool everyone, too.
294
00:11:19,212 --> 00:11:20,378
What are you
talking about?
295
00:11:20,380 --> 00:11:23,248
Say that again
only just mouth the words.
296
00:11:23,250 --> 00:11:26,184
(MOUTHING)
What are you talking about?
297
00:11:26,553 --> 00:11:28,653
Did that look
as good as it felt?
298
00:11:28,655 --> 00:11:29,754
Better!
(GASPS)
299
00:11:29,756 --> 00:11:30,955
Problem solved, love bug!
300
00:11:30,957 --> 00:11:35,193
We're gonna Milli Vanilli
the (BLEEP)
out of that musical.
301
00:11:35,629 --> 00:11:39,764
ADULT ADAM:
My dad suggested that Erica
take a chance on someone.
302
00:11:39,766 --> 00:11:42,901
Unfortunately,
that someone was this dude.
303
00:11:42,903 --> 00:11:44,803
Yo. Is Erica here?
304
00:11:44,805 --> 00:11:48,373
Yo. She's upstairs.
Who are you?
305
00:11:48,475 --> 00:11:51,342
Johnny Atkins.
Yeah.
306
00:11:52,145 --> 00:11:54,779
That Johnny Atkins.
I'm her dad.
307
00:11:56,083 --> 00:11:57,415
Yeah, that dad.
308
00:11:57,417 --> 00:11:58,717
Mind if I just
head up?
309
00:11:58,719 --> 00:12:00,652
Actually, I do.
310
00:12:03,023 --> 00:12:04,222
Zang! Atkins likes.
311
00:12:04,224 --> 00:12:08,359
All right, can I talk to you
in the other room
away from this person?
312
00:12:08,361 --> 00:12:10,328
Sure. Oh.
313
00:12:14,434 --> 00:12:15,133
Who the hell is that?
314
00:12:15,135 --> 00:12:17,969
It's my date
to the dance on Saturday.
He wanted to hang.
315
00:12:17,971 --> 00:12:19,037
That kid's your date?
He's a moron.
316
00:12:19,039 --> 00:12:21,973
Well, you're the guy
who told me to give
the morons a chance.
317
00:12:21,975 --> 00:12:24,075
But I meant other morons.
What other morons?
318
00:12:24,077 --> 00:12:26,544
Nice morons!
Morons like
that Geoff kid.
319
00:12:26,546 --> 00:12:27,846
Schwartz?
He's a moron.
320
00:12:27,848 --> 00:12:30,482
They're all morons!
That's what I'm saying.
321
00:12:30,484 --> 00:12:33,551
But any other moron
is better than that moron.
322
00:12:33,553 --> 00:12:34,152
This is ridiculous.
323
00:12:34,154 --> 00:12:37,589
I took your advice,
but you don't get
to actually choose who I date.
324
00:12:37,591 --> 00:12:40,658
My dad's plans for Erica
may have fallen apart.
(SIGHS)
325
00:12:40,660 --> 00:12:42,927
But my mom's plan
for me only needed
326
00:12:42,929 --> 00:12:45,630
to get past one person
for it to succeed.
327
00:12:45,632 --> 00:12:48,032
Susan,
I really appreciate you
328
00:12:48,034 --> 00:12:49,100
agreeing to see me
on such short notice.
329
00:12:49,102 --> 00:12:52,804
Technically, I didn't agree.
You just barged in
during third period
330
00:12:52,806 --> 00:12:53,605
and yelled
"class dismissed."
331
00:12:53,607 --> 00:12:57,809
Point is, I understand
you're putting together a cast
for this year's musical,
332
00:12:57,811 --> 00:13:00,512
and it's presented
some challenges.
333
00:13:00,514 --> 00:13:03,047
It's a real suck show.
Uh, you're gonna be great.
334
00:13:03,049 --> 00:13:04,883
I won't be,
but that's sweet to say.
335
00:13:04,885 --> 00:13:07,852
Well, what if I had a way
to solve your problems,
336
00:13:07,854 --> 00:13:10,388
a way to make this
your biggest hit yet?
337
00:13:10,390 --> 00:13:13,224
Mrs. Goldberg, we have been
through this in the past.
338
00:13:13,226 --> 00:13:14,058
You can't be
in the musical.
339
00:13:14,060 --> 00:13:17,095
No, no, I...
I've come to accept that.
340
00:13:17,097 --> 00:13:20,031
I'm talking
about a different
approach entirely.
341
00:13:20,033 --> 00:13:22,834
Have you heard of this
Milli Vanilli scandal?
342
00:13:22,836 --> 00:13:25,403
Big fan. It hit me hard.
343
00:13:25,405 --> 00:13:26,604
Oh, I'm sorry.
344
00:13:26,606 --> 00:13:28,706
But what if someone
could do the same thing
345
00:13:28,708 --> 00:13:31,042
only without making
the same sloppy mistakes?
346
00:13:31,044 --> 00:13:35,280
Are you actually suggesting
that Adam lip-sync his songs
in the show?
347
00:13:35,282 --> 00:13:40,118
God, I guess hearing it
out loud, it really does sound
insane, even for me.
348
00:13:40,120 --> 00:13:40,785
Screw it. I'm in.
349
00:13:40,787 --> 00:13:42,453
Really?
I'll get all the kids
to do it.
350
00:13:42,455 --> 00:13:44,489
I mean, what choice
do I have?
351
00:13:44,491 --> 00:13:46,090
None. Yay.
352
00:13:46,092 --> 00:13:48,059
Yay.
Yay!
353
00:13:48,728 --> 00:13:51,095
Mouth it. Yay!
354
00:13:52,899 --> 00:13:54,098
(SAXOPHONE PLAYS)
355
00:13:54,100 --> 00:13:56,267
(CHUCKLES)
Hey, Johnny.
356
00:13:57,737 --> 00:14:00,104
Yo, looking forward
to Saturday night.
Me too.
357
00:14:00,106 --> 00:14:04,242
So I'll pick up Carla first,
be at your place
around 7:00, cool?
358
00:14:04,244 --> 00:14:06,077
Cool.
(CHUCKLES)
359
00:14:06,079 --> 00:14:06,611
Wait, what?
360
00:14:06,613 --> 00:14:08,546
Yeah, I'm also giving her
a ride to the dance.
361
00:14:08,548 --> 00:14:11,382
And she can hang out with us.
And dance with us.
362
00:14:11,384 --> 00:14:14,185
Are you taking both of us
to the dance?
363
00:14:14,187 --> 00:14:16,054
Classic Johnny Atkins,
am I right?
364
00:14:16,056 --> 00:14:17,789
How could you
not see this coming?
365
00:14:17,791 --> 00:14:19,257
Because I have no idea
who you are,
366
00:14:19,259 --> 00:14:20,892
other than
an oddly confident
band geek.
367
00:14:20,894 --> 00:14:26,364
Shows what you know.
Band geek in the front,
rock God in the back.
368
00:14:26,366 --> 00:14:27,599
Are you seriously okay
with this?
369
00:14:27,601 --> 00:14:30,869
No, but I really feel
like I can fix him.
370
00:14:30,871 --> 00:14:32,770
But she can't,
so what do you say?
371
00:14:32,772 --> 00:14:35,106
What do you think she says?
Hit the bricks, bro.
372
00:14:35,108 --> 00:14:36,641
Dude, I will punch you
in the eyeball.
373
00:14:36,643 --> 00:14:39,043
Erica, help me.
He's serious.
374
00:14:39,045 --> 00:14:39,878
(SIGHS)
You know what, Johnny?
375
00:14:39,880 --> 00:14:43,047
That's a firm "no"
to your creepy offer.
Your loss.
376
00:14:43,049 --> 00:14:46,050
Hey, Debbie Gordon, you got
a date to homecoming yet?
377
00:14:46,052 --> 00:14:47,652
(SAXOPHONE PLAYS)
378
00:14:47,654 --> 00:14:49,520
Oh, man, that was
so sweet of me, huh?
379
00:14:49,522 --> 00:14:51,623
So if it's looking
like you're free
Saturday night, then...
380
00:14:51,625 --> 00:14:54,359
I'm not going
to the dance, Geoff.
381
00:14:54,361 --> 00:14:56,327
Not with anybody.
382
00:14:57,697 --> 00:15:02,033
(LIP-SYNCHING)
¶ I stuff her shoes
with extra socks
383
00:15:02,035 --> 00:15:04,168
¶ Run seven blocks
384
00:15:04,170 --> 00:15:06,204
¶ In nothing flat
385
00:15:06,373 --> 00:15:08,606
¶ And I can do that
386
00:15:08,909 --> 00:15:10,942
¶ I can do that
387
00:15:12,045 --> 00:15:16,414
This is incredible.
My grandson's
a superstar.
388
00:15:20,120 --> 00:15:23,855
¶ I'm watching sis
go pitter pat
389
00:15:23,857 --> 00:15:25,290
¶ Said, I can do that
390
00:15:25,292 --> 00:15:26,057
¶ That, that, that
391
00:15:26,059 --> 00:15:28,226
¶ That, that, that, that,
that, that, that, that ¶
392
00:15:28,228 --> 00:15:30,094
My God,
he's repeating himself.
393
00:15:30,096 --> 00:15:32,997
You can do what?
What can you do?
Finish the thought.
394
00:15:32,999 --> 00:15:37,168
Dad, he's fine.
Just working out
some kinks.
395
00:15:37,237 --> 00:15:39,837
Wait, so you actually
weren't doing anything?
396
00:15:39,839 --> 00:15:44,208
"Not doing anything?"
Didn't you see this?
397
00:15:44,811 --> 00:15:48,246
Bevy, you can't let him
go through with this
cockamamie scheme.
398
00:15:48,248 --> 00:15:50,581
Well, actually,
it was my idea.
399
00:15:50,583 --> 00:15:51,215
Oh, God. Why?
400
00:15:51,217 --> 00:15:54,385
Pops, I can't go onstage
and completely
embarrass myself.
401
00:15:54,387 --> 00:15:57,889
Just do your best!
You're the same great kid
you always were.
402
00:15:57,891 --> 00:16:02,060
Listen to me.
Do I sound
like the same kid?
403
00:16:02,062 --> 00:16:04,529
Do I look
like the same kid?
404
00:16:04,531 --> 00:16:07,165
No. I'm not him.
405
00:16:07,167 --> 00:16:09,133
I'm whatever this is.
406
00:16:09,135 --> 00:16:13,471
And if Mom
can make it better,
I'm gonna let her.
407
00:16:13,473 --> 00:16:15,440
(FOOTSTEPS RECEDING)
408
00:16:15,608 --> 00:16:20,278
Don't give me that look.
As his mother, it is my job
to make this all better.
409
00:16:20,280 --> 00:16:23,815
But you can't.
All you're doing
is making it worse.
410
00:16:23,817 --> 00:16:26,117
You're turning him
into someone he's not.
411
00:16:26,119 --> 00:16:28,152
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
412
00:16:28,588 --> 00:16:32,390
I forgot my foundation,
rouge, and powder puff.
413
00:16:32,392 --> 00:16:34,659
Good day to you, sir.
414
00:16:36,363 --> 00:16:39,430
ADULT ADAM: The biggest night
of my middle-school
theater career had arrived,
415
00:16:39,432 --> 00:16:43,267
and the only one
more nervous than me
was my smother.
416
00:16:43,269 --> 00:16:44,402
Okay, let's warm up.
417
00:16:44,404 --> 00:16:47,271
I have the recording
of the New York
city boys choir
418
00:16:47,273 --> 00:16:48,973
doing scales,
so show me what you got.
419
00:16:48,975 --> 00:16:53,644
(LIP-SYNCHING)
¶ Do, re, mi,
fa, sol, la, ti, do
420
00:16:53,646 --> 00:16:56,647
Oh, very good, very good.
Move those lips.
421
00:16:56,649 --> 00:16:57,515
No sounds!
422
00:16:57,517 --> 00:16:58,349
¶ Fa, mi, re, do ¶
423
00:16:58,351 --> 00:17:01,953
ADULT ADAM: Watching us
Milli Vanilli our way
through the warm-up scales,
424
00:17:01,955 --> 00:17:05,189
my mom realized
Pops was right.
425
00:17:05,258 --> 00:17:07,992
Okay, Susan.
We need to talk.
426
00:17:07,994 --> 00:17:08,893
Sorry, show starts in five.
427
00:17:08,895 --> 00:17:11,696
No, you can't do this.
It's wrong, and you know it.
428
00:17:11,698 --> 00:17:14,599
What are you talking about?
This whole thing
was all your idea.
429
00:17:14,601 --> 00:17:18,102
Those people out there,
they want to see
"a chorus line,"
430
00:17:18,104 --> 00:17:18,703
not "a chorus lie."
431
00:17:18,705 --> 00:17:22,707
I'm so confused
by your moral high ground.
Again, this was all you.
432
00:17:22,709 --> 00:17:23,474
Mom, it's fine.
433
00:17:23,476 --> 00:17:27,512
This recording is gonna blow
the freaking roof
off this place.
434
00:17:27,514 --> 00:17:32,016
And so are you
with your own voices.
435
00:17:32,018 --> 00:17:34,285
Yes, they are creaking
and cracking.
436
00:17:34,287 --> 00:17:37,989
And, yes, your foreheads
are very shiny, all right?
437
00:17:37,991 --> 00:17:40,825
And you take
insanely long showers,
438
00:17:40,827 --> 00:17:41,793
but it doesn't matter
439
00:17:41,795 --> 00:17:45,830
because you're all just
as amazing as you always were.
440
00:17:46,099 --> 00:17:47,665
I don't feel amazing.
441
00:17:47,667 --> 00:17:49,233
You?
What's your problem?
442
00:17:49,235 --> 00:17:52,270
Oh, you heard my voice.
Who cares?
443
00:17:52,272 --> 00:17:54,739
I got bacne, dude.
Crazy bacne.
444
00:17:54,741 --> 00:17:57,041
So? I sweat constantly
for no reason.
445
00:17:57,043 --> 00:17:59,911
I-I'm sweating right now,
and it's like
50 degrees in here.
446
00:17:59,913 --> 00:18:03,281
I've got a weird thing
for Sally Jessy Raphael.
447
00:18:03,283 --> 00:18:04,649
BEVERLY: See?
448
00:18:04,651 --> 00:18:05,583
None of you are alone.
449
00:18:05,585 --> 00:18:10,488
You're all going through
something that everybody
has to suffer through.
450
00:18:10,490 --> 00:18:12,990
Come on.
Who's with me?
451
00:18:12,992 --> 00:18:13,925
Screw it.
452
00:18:13,927 --> 00:18:14,992
Let's go out there
and give them
453
00:18:14,994 --> 00:18:19,530
the best worst musical
the school has ever seen.
454
00:18:20,033 --> 00:18:21,799
ADULT ADAM: And so we sang it.
455
00:18:21,801 --> 00:18:22,800
We really sang it.
456
00:18:22,802 --> 00:18:27,038
And it wasn't pretty,
but it was definitely us.
457
00:18:27,107 --> 00:18:31,442
¶ Kiss today goodbye
458
00:18:34,114 --> 00:18:39,016
¶ The sweetness
and the sorrow
459
00:18:41,988 --> 00:18:43,988
ALL:
¶ Wish me luck
460
00:18:43,990 --> 00:18:45,723
¶ The same
461
00:18:45,725 --> 00:18:49,393
¶ To you
462
00:18:52,932 --> 00:18:55,900
Sure, growing up is hard
and awkward and embarrassing.
463
00:18:55,902 --> 00:18:58,903
But if you're lucky,
you just mind find
the courage
464
00:18:58,905 --> 00:19:01,339
to sing
your way through it...
465
00:19:01,574 --> 00:19:05,977
¶ What I did for love ¶
466
00:19:09,115 --> 00:19:13,417
...or have someone
talk you through it
when you least expect it.
467
00:19:13,419 --> 00:19:15,386
Hey, peanut.
468
00:19:15,622 --> 00:19:18,489
I, uh, heard
about the kid
with the hair.
469
00:19:18,491 --> 00:19:21,526
So, uh, you're not going
to the dance, huh?
470
00:19:21,528 --> 00:19:23,494
Honestly,
I hate dances.
471
00:19:23,496 --> 00:19:24,562
And the nice thing
about being alone
472
00:19:24,564 --> 00:19:28,399
is that there's
no one here bothering me,
acting like a moron.
473
00:19:29,235 --> 00:19:31,569
Oh, my God,
Barry's right.
474
00:19:31,571 --> 00:19:33,871
God, I'm just like you.
475
00:19:33,873 --> 00:19:35,306
Sorry.
476
00:19:35,608 --> 00:19:36,841
I get it.
477
00:19:36,843 --> 00:19:39,177
But there's hope.
Why?
478
00:19:39,179 --> 00:19:41,579
Well, things work out.
479
00:19:41,581 --> 00:19:42,380
I met your mom.
480
00:19:42,382 --> 00:19:46,751
She sees the best
in everybody,
even a grump like me.
481
00:19:46,819 --> 00:19:49,120
All I'm saying is
482
00:19:49,522 --> 00:19:51,989
just give people
a chance.
483
00:19:52,926 --> 00:19:54,825
Don't be a moron.
484
00:19:56,296 --> 00:19:58,696
ADULT ADAM: 'Cause as hard
as it is to grow up,
485
00:19:58,698 --> 00:20:01,098
it's even harder
to go through it alone.
486
00:20:01,668 --> 00:20:04,202
And when you open up
and put yourself out there,
487
00:20:04,204 --> 00:20:06,871
you'll be surprised
where it leads.
488
00:20:06,873 --> 00:20:08,472
Erica, hi!
489
00:20:08,474 --> 00:20:10,942
Greetings and salutations.
490
00:20:11,010 --> 00:20:11,442
You busy?
491
00:20:11,444 --> 00:20:14,679
Uh, not really.
I was just waiting
for my cousin to call back.
492
00:20:14,681 --> 00:20:17,415
I thought maybe
we could still make
the end of the dance.
493
00:20:17,417 --> 00:20:21,452
Well, I was thinking maybe
we could hang out instead.
494
00:20:21,454 --> 00:20:22,320
No way.
As friends.
495
00:20:22,322 --> 00:20:24,388
Yeah, no.
Let's not put
a label on it.
496
00:20:24,390 --> 00:20:25,990
Let's... Mmm-hmm.
497
00:20:25,992 --> 00:20:29,827
So, what do you say
we go grab a slushie?
498
00:20:30,630 --> 00:20:32,063
(CHUCKLES)
499
00:20:32,532 --> 00:20:34,131
Mmm, check this out.
500
00:20:34,133 --> 00:20:34,765
Gleaming the cube.
501
00:20:34,767 --> 00:20:37,635
What does that even mean?
No one knows.
502
00:20:38,071 --> 00:20:40,371
(GRUNTS)
(LAUGHS)
503
00:20:40,373 --> 00:20:43,541
Oh, my God,
Geoff, are you okay?
504
00:20:43,943 --> 00:20:47,445
No, not a new one.
It's photo day at school.
505
00:20:47,447 --> 00:20:48,379
You came
to the right place.
506
00:20:48,381 --> 00:20:51,082
No, get out!
I don't want any
of your terrible advice.
507
00:20:51,084 --> 00:20:55,052
Dude, I'm a pimple pro.
You got to pop
that thing immediately.
508
00:20:55,054 --> 00:20:57,255
Everyone says
not to pop it.
509
00:20:57,257 --> 00:20:59,523
Look at this
flawless skin.
510
00:20:59,525 --> 00:21:01,459
It's like
baby Italian marble.
511
00:21:01,461 --> 00:21:04,962
Would you rather have
a pizza face
or a Barry face?
512
00:21:04,964 --> 00:21:06,931
Fine.
I'll just pop the thing.
513
00:21:06,933 --> 00:21:09,867
Oh, I gotta get this
on film.
514
00:21:10,637 --> 00:21:11,369
Come on.
515
00:21:11,371 --> 00:21:12,937
Let's get a close-up
of that zit.
516
00:21:12,939 --> 00:21:15,573
Hey, why are you covering it?
Don't feel
so embarrassed.
517
00:21:15,575 --> 00:21:17,942
Let me see that zit.
Come on.
For memories.
518
00:21:17,944 --> 00:21:20,378
BARRY: Let's get a close-up
of that zit.
519
00:21:20,380 --> 00:21:24,949
He's covering his mouth
'cause he doesn't want anyone
to see his zit.
520
00:21:24,951 --> 00:21:27,752
(LAUGHS)
(BELL DINGS)