1 00:00:00,701 --> 00:00:02,768 ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s, Tom Cruise danced, 2 00:00:02,770 --> 00:00:05,337 dove, and crashed his way into our hearts 3 00:00:05,339 --> 00:00:08,307 in the classic teen movie Risky Business. 4 00:00:08,309 --> 00:00:11,810 He was a pantless, partying badass in tube socks. 5 00:00:11,812 --> 00:00:13,312 But for my brother, Barry, 6 00:00:13,314 --> 00:00:15,514 Risky Business wasn't just a movie. 7 00:00:15,516 --> 00:00:18,050 It was a plan for life. 8 00:00:18,853 --> 00:00:21,887 (ROCK AND ROLL MUSIC PLAYING ON THE RADIO) 9 00:00:23,157 --> 00:00:24,123 (MUSIC STOPS) Oh! 10 00:00:24,125 --> 00:00:27,559 Dang it! Mom waxed the floor. I'm going again. 11 00:00:27,561 --> 00:00:28,694 (INTRO PLAYS) 12 00:00:28,696 --> 00:00:30,963 (MUSIC STOPS) Shoes were a bad idea. 13 00:00:30,965 --> 00:00:32,031 (INTRO PLAYS) 14 00:00:32,033 --> 00:00:33,565 (MUSIC STOPS) Going again. 15 00:00:33,567 --> 00:00:35,401 (INTRO PLAYS AND MUSIC STOPS) Whoa! 16 00:00:35,403 --> 00:00:38,670 What did I tell you about Tom Cruising the floor, huh? 17 00:00:38,672 --> 00:00:39,772 It's incredibly risky. 18 00:00:39,774 --> 00:00:42,775 Risky. That's the point. (SCOFFS) I mean it, Barry. 19 00:00:42,777 --> 00:00:45,077 Take those sunglasses off and look me in the eye. 20 00:00:45,079 --> 00:00:47,246 Do you want to crack your head open? 21 00:00:47,248 --> 00:00:49,148 No Tom Cruising. Say it. 22 00:00:49,150 --> 00:00:49,915 (MUMBLING) No Tom Cruising. 23 00:00:49,917 --> 00:00:52,184 Say it like someone who doesn't want brain damage. 24 00:00:52,186 --> 00:00:52,918 No Tom Cruising. 25 00:00:52,920 --> 00:00:57,589 ADULT ADAM: For years, all Barry wanted was to live Risky Business. 26 00:00:57,591 --> 00:00:57,990 Hey. 27 00:00:57,992 --> 00:01:01,960 And he finally got his shot thanks to his rebellious, bad-influence girlfriend, 28 00:01:01,962 --> 00:01:04,830 Lainey Lewis. (TIRES SCREECHING) 29 00:01:04,832 --> 00:01:08,567 Porsche. There is no substitute. 30 00:01:08,569 --> 00:01:09,368 Dude. 31 00:01:09,370 --> 00:01:12,104 This is super hot and awesome, but your dad's gonna kill you. 32 00:01:12,106 --> 00:01:15,774 Actually, my dad just left for a flooring convention in Atlanta. 33 00:01:15,776 --> 00:01:18,877 He gave me a buttload of pizza money and two rules. 34 00:01:18,879 --> 00:01:21,246 No driving his Porsche and no parties. 35 00:01:21,248 --> 00:01:22,047 One down, one to go. 36 00:01:22,049 --> 00:01:23,916 Sweet Rebecca De Mornay it's happening! 37 00:01:23,918 --> 00:01:28,487 We're gonna throw a real, live kick-ass Risky Business party! 38 00:01:28,489 --> 00:01:30,289 Erica, we need a keg stat. 39 00:01:30,291 --> 00:01:32,458 Lainey, jump in back. 40 00:01:33,027 --> 00:01:35,060 Big Tasty's taking the wheel. 41 00:01:35,062 --> 00:01:36,795 (GROANS) I can't move my legs. 42 00:01:36,797 --> 00:01:39,098 I don't belong back here. Why is it so hot? 43 00:01:39,100 --> 00:01:42,067 Turn the vents on me. My God, please stop whining! 44 00:01:42,069 --> 00:01:45,471 But this was supposed to be my Risky Business moment. I'm Tom Cruise. 45 00:01:45,473 --> 00:01:48,941 No, you're the weird guy in the movie who sits in the back. 46 00:01:48,943 --> 00:01:50,943 The dude who played booger? That's bullcrap. 47 00:01:50,945 --> 00:01:52,411 I'm not booger. You be booger. 48 00:01:52,413 --> 00:01:54,046 Cramp! Leg cramp! (GRUNTS) 49 00:01:54,048 --> 00:01:55,714 My hamstrings are too muscular. What are you doing? 50 00:01:55,716 --> 00:01:58,050 I got to stretch out, okay? Just sit there like a good booger! 51 00:01:58,052 --> 00:02:00,219 Get your foot off the gear shift! 52 00:02:00,221 --> 00:02:00,886 I'm trying! 53 00:02:00,888 --> 00:02:03,255 (TIRES SCREECHING) (ALL SCREAMING) 54 00:02:10,231 --> 00:02:13,899 LAINEY: Nobody move! BARRY: I'm just gonna move a little. 55 00:02:13,901 --> 00:02:15,267 Barry! Don't move. 56 00:02:15,269 --> 00:02:18,804 Don't worry. I'm like a ninja. I'm just gonna... 57 00:02:22,143 --> 00:02:25,177 I think it's fair to say this was everyone's fault. 58 00:02:25,179 --> 00:02:27,446 ERICA: Shut up, booger. 59 00:02:28,215 --> 00:02:29,581 ¶ I'm twisted up inside 60 00:02:29,583 --> 00:02:33,886 ¶ But nonetheless I feel the need to say 61 00:02:35,823 --> 00:02:36,555 ¶ I don't know the future 62 00:02:36,557 --> 00:02:40,692 ¶ But the past keeps getting clearer every day ¶ 63 00:02:40,694 --> 00:02:43,228 ADULT ADAM: It was September 23, 1980-something, 64 00:02:43,230 --> 00:02:46,598 and I was in my first official long-distance relationship 65 00:02:46,600 --> 00:02:49,935 with my first official girlfriend, Dana Caldwell. 66 00:02:49,937 --> 00:02:50,536 No, you hang up. 67 00:02:50,538 --> 00:02:52,471 No, you hang up. No, you hang up. 68 00:02:52,473 --> 00:02:53,472 You hang up. You hang up. 69 00:02:53,474 --> 00:02:54,740 You hang up. You hang up. 70 00:02:54,742 --> 00:02:56,341 Someone please hang up. 71 00:02:56,343 --> 00:02:58,243 I can't hear what Jake is saying to the fat man. 72 00:02:58,245 --> 00:03:03,515 Back before email and Skype, the only way to stay connected was to talk on the telephone 73 00:03:03,517 --> 00:03:05,083 or, for extra romance, sing. 74 00:03:05,085 --> 00:03:05,884 ¶ Step by step ¶ 75 00:03:05,886 --> 00:03:10,622 Unfortunately, my voice was in a transitional period. ¶ Left, right, left ¶ 76 00:03:10,624 --> 00:03:13,959 ¶ We all fall down ¶ 77 00:03:14,895 --> 00:03:17,062 ¶ Like toy soldiers ¶ 78 00:03:17,064 --> 00:03:18,797 Oh, my God, that terrible sound is you? 79 00:03:18,799 --> 00:03:22,000 Leave the singing to the professionals! 80 00:03:22,136 --> 00:03:22,534 Me! 81 00:03:22,536 --> 00:03:25,771 Even though my voice changed, we were still as strong as ever. 82 00:03:25,773 --> 00:03:27,172 I was thinking that Friday night 83 00:03:27,174 --> 00:03:29,141 we could look at Halley's Comet together. 84 00:03:29,143 --> 00:03:31,443 Only comes around once every lifetime. 85 00:03:31,445 --> 00:03:33,045 Aww. You're amazing. 86 00:03:33,047 --> 00:03:35,514 So, I'll watch it from here and you'll watch it in Seattle. 87 00:03:35,516 --> 00:03:38,850 Whoa. You're talking to Seattle? 88 00:03:38,852 --> 00:03:40,152 I thought Danielle lived down the street. 89 00:03:40,154 --> 00:03:44,223 It's Dana, and I told you a million times she moved. 90 00:03:44,225 --> 00:03:46,258 You can't call Seattle before 8:00. 91 00:03:46,260 --> 00:03:50,362 Do you have any idea how much your girlfriend's gonna cost me? 92 00:03:50,431 --> 00:03:51,396 (DIAL TONE) 93 00:03:51,398 --> 00:03:53,899 Hey! You made me hang up first. 94 00:03:53,901 --> 00:03:58,203 I'm sorry, Adam. I can't afford your love. It's too pricy. 95 00:03:58,205 --> 00:03:59,838 What's that supposed to mean? 96 00:03:59,840 --> 00:04:03,408 It means I'm canceling our long-distance service. 97 00:04:03,410 --> 00:04:06,044 There, it's done. Relationship over. 98 00:04:06,046 --> 00:04:09,047 Pops, talk some sense into this heartless man. 99 00:04:09,049 --> 00:04:09,715 You're a smart kid. 100 00:04:09,717 --> 00:04:12,818 Find a creative way to connect with her. You know, 101 00:04:12,820 --> 00:04:16,255 I once dated a Filipino woman via telegram. 102 00:04:16,257 --> 00:04:16,855 Really? 103 00:04:16,857 --> 00:04:18,557 Of course, Western Union had to shut us down 104 00:04:18,559 --> 00:04:23,996 because Mala could get very filthy in just three sentences. 105 00:04:23,998 --> 00:04:26,164 Point is love. 106 00:04:26,166 --> 00:04:27,466 Okay, you're useless to me. 107 00:04:27,468 --> 00:04:31,403 ADULT ADAM: As angry as I was, it couldn't hold a candle to the rage my mom felt 108 00:04:31,405 --> 00:04:33,939 when she found out about the Porsche. 109 00:04:33,941 --> 00:04:36,208 Do not be fooled by my sweater. 110 00:04:36,210 --> 00:04:37,209 I am not flappy. 111 00:04:37,211 --> 00:04:39,778 I'm very flangry. The good news is, 112 00:04:39,780 --> 00:04:41,546 Lainey, I spoke to your father. 113 00:04:41,548 --> 00:04:42,848 I told him all about his car 114 00:04:42,850 --> 00:04:45,417 and all about the kick-ass Risky Business party. 115 00:04:45,419 --> 00:04:47,886 What? How do you know about that? 116 00:04:48,088 --> 00:04:52,357 "List of stuff to get for our kick-ass Risky Business party 117 00:04:52,359 --> 00:04:54,226 "because Lainey's dad is in Atlanta." 118 00:04:54,228 --> 00:04:55,861 Idiot! Why'd you write it down? 119 00:04:55,863 --> 00:04:58,497 I'm a visual thinker. Hush up! 120 00:04:58,565 --> 00:04:59,731 The good news is, Lainey, 121 00:04:59,733 --> 00:05:02,601 your dad agreed to let you stay with us until he gets back. 122 00:05:02,603 --> 00:05:06,338 That means I have six days to fix your entire life. 123 00:05:06,340 --> 00:05:08,273 No way. You have already ruined our lives 124 00:05:08,275 --> 00:05:10,275 with your insane love. You're not ruining Lainey's, too. 125 00:05:10,277 --> 00:05:13,312 Please, she's hot rodding, failing her classes, 126 00:05:13,314 --> 00:05:14,980 spending time with shady friends. Hey! 127 00:05:14,982 --> 00:05:17,582 Showing questionable taste in boys. That's fair. 128 00:05:17,584 --> 00:05:18,684 Maybe this is all a blessing in disguise. 129 00:05:18,686 --> 00:05:23,188 I really could use some of your amazing mom wisdom, Mrs. G. 130 00:05:23,190 --> 00:05:24,556 I mean, I've always admired you 131 00:05:24,558 --> 00:05:25,590 and your store-bought sweaters. 132 00:05:25,592 --> 00:05:28,226 Oh, no, I made this myself. What? 133 00:05:28,228 --> 00:05:31,930 You should be a business owner and a millionaire by now. 134 00:05:31,932 --> 00:05:35,434 See, this makes me very flappy. 135 00:05:35,436 --> 00:05:36,468 You two learn from her. 136 00:05:36,470 --> 00:05:37,536 We're gonna have so much fun. 137 00:05:37,538 --> 00:05:40,872 I'll show you how to make my famous shrimp parm. Have you heard of it? 138 00:05:40,874 --> 00:05:42,741 Of course you have. It's famous. 139 00:05:42,743 --> 00:05:44,910 Duh, Beverly. Yum. 140 00:05:44,912 --> 00:05:46,378 What is wrong with you? 141 00:05:46,380 --> 00:05:48,714 You never ask for her mom wisdom ever. 142 00:05:48,716 --> 00:05:51,616 Chill. I'm just telling her what she wants to hear. 143 00:05:51,618 --> 00:05:52,317 Wow. 144 00:05:52,319 --> 00:05:54,086 So, the party's back on? 145 00:05:54,088 --> 00:05:54,619 Wow. Whoo! 146 00:05:54,621 --> 00:05:56,221 I'm gonna go write a list of things we need to get. 147 00:05:56,223 --> 00:05:57,556 Stop writing lists! Learn from your mistakes! 148 00:05:57,558 --> 00:06:00,659 ADULT ADAM: While Erica and Barry were trying to outsmart my mom, 149 00:06:00,661 --> 00:06:04,029 I was outsmarting the phone company. 150 00:06:04,031 --> 00:06:05,931 (TELEPHONE RINGS) 151 00:06:06,033 --> 00:06:08,467 Hello? FEMALE OPERATOR: You have a collect call from... 152 00:06:08,469 --> 00:06:11,970 Dana, I love you, my dad is a putz, how was your day, I want to kiss your... 153 00:06:11,972 --> 00:06:13,538 (DIAL TONE) Adam? 154 00:06:13,540 --> 00:06:14,840 ...face. 155 00:06:14,842 --> 00:06:16,141 Face! 156 00:06:16,143 --> 00:06:18,043 How will she know? 157 00:06:18,712 --> 00:06:19,644 But as fate would have it, 158 00:06:19,646 --> 00:06:23,882 a new advancement in phone technology would let me talk to Dana, 159 00:06:23,884 --> 00:06:26,518 and it was glorious. 160 00:06:26,520 --> 00:06:27,119 There it is. 161 00:06:27,121 --> 00:06:31,123 Behold the gem of the forbidden teacher's lounge. 162 00:06:31,125 --> 00:06:32,391 The fax machine. 163 00:06:32,393 --> 00:06:35,494 I know it's dangerous, but Dana's worth the risk. 164 00:06:35,496 --> 00:06:37,362 She's my soul mate. 165 00:06:37,364 --> 00:06:38,430 Suit yourself, man. 166 00:06:38,432 --> 00:06:41,533 Dave Kim likes 'em thick. 167 00:06:41,969 --> 00:06:42,667 It was the perfect plan. 168 00:06:42,669 --> 00:06:47,773 Dana would have my passionate love letter in her hands in mere seconds. 169 00:06:47,775 --> 00:06:49,441 Or hours. What the... 170 00:06:49,443 --> 00:06:52,411 Turns out the fax totally sucked back then. 171 00:06:52,413 --> 00:06:54,045 Why are you so slow? 172 00:06:55,082 --> 00:06:56,148 Oh, wait, that's the wrong way. 173 00:06:56,150 --> 00:06:59,384 It took me 10 minutes to send two frickin' pages, 174 00:06:59,386 --> 00:07:02,521 but I managed to escape without a trace. 175 00:07:02,523 --> 00:07:03,989 Oh, hell no. 176 00:07:03,991 --> 00:07:06,258 This is the teacher's lounge. 177 00:07:06,260 --> 00:07:07,592 This place is sacred. 178 00:07:07,594 --> 00:07:11,263 So help me God, you are in so much trouble. 179 00:07:11,265 --> 00:07:11,663 Oh. 180 00:07:11,665 --> 00:07:15,333 Someone took the tab for my flier for guitar lessons. 181 00:07:15,335 --> 00:07:16,468 Wow. 182 00:07:16,470 --> 00:07:19,871 You are so lucky this day has turned around for me. 183 00:07:19,873 --> 00:07:20,739 (CHUCKLES) 184 00:07:20,741 --> 00:07:21,606 Oh, no, wait a minute. I forgot. 185 00:07:21,608 --> 00:07:25,377 I did it myself to get the ball rolling. Damn it! 186 00:07:25,379 --> 00:07:27,879 You are in so much trouble again. 187 00:07:29,650 --> 00:07:31,616 Hey, is it cool if Anthony Balsamo's brother 188 00:07:31,618 --> 00:07:32,851 invites his frat to the party? 189 00:07:32,853 --> 00:07:35,687 Dude, what part of Risky Business party don't you understand? 190 00:07:35,689 --> 00:07:38,690 My God, it's gonna be awesome! 191 00:07:39,593 --> 00:07:40,091 Hello! 192 00:07:40,093 --> 00:07:42,194 Erica and Barry! It's your mom! 193 00:07:42,196 --> 00:07:43,795 And, Lainey, it's your mom for the week! 194 00:07:43,797 --> 00:07:47,599 Oh, no. She's here. It's happening. What's she doing here? 195 00:07:47,601 --> 00:07:49,134 Why is there no color in your faces? 196 00:07:49,136 --> 00:07:49,935 I'm waving my arms. 197 00:07:49,937 --> 00:07:52,671 The start of every year, my mom storms the school 198 00:07:52,673 --> 00:07:56,074 and demands that we get the best teachers and classes. 199 00:07:56,076 --> 00:07:56,741 They call it... 200 00:07:56,743 --> 00:07:58,276 The demanding of excellence. 201 00:07:58,278 --> 00:08:00,145 Oh, come on. No one calls it that. 202 00:08:00,147 --> 00:08:04,115 Oh, sweet Lord. It's the demanding of excellence. 203 00:08:04,284 --> 00:08:05,617 Show no fear. 204 00:08:05,619 --> 00:08:07,419 Mom, stop right there, okay? 205 00:08:07,421 --> 00:08:09,921 I told you I don't need or want your help. 206 00:08:09,923 --> 00:08:10,989 Please take up tennis. 207 00:08:10,991 --> 00:08:13,525 Have a leisurely lunch with a friend. Just let us be. 208 00:08:13,527 --> 00:08:16,928 Oh, snuggle monkeys, I'm not here for you. 209 00:08:16,930 --> 00:08:19,130 I'm here for Lainey. Me? 210 00:08:19,132 --> 00:08:20,031 No, no. (LAUGHING) 211 00:08:20,033 --> 00:08:21,566 No, see, you can't just walk in here 212 00:08:21,568 --> 00:08:24,269 demanding excellence for other students. 213 00:08:24,271 --> 00:08:25,637 That's not how school works. 214 00:08:25,639 --> 00:08:26,705 You can only parent your own child. 215 00:08:26,707 --> 00:08:30,175 Oh, I'll parent every damn child in this school if I have to. 216 00:08:30,177 --> 00:08:32,611 Hell, I'll even parent you. 217 00:08:32,613 --> 00:08:33,211 Don't parent me. 218 00:08:33,213 --> 00:08:34,980 Looks like you got some color at the beach. 219 00:08:34,982 --> 00:08:36,381 Did you wear sunscreen? Don't do that. 220 00:08:36,383 --> 00:08:38,049 Did you reapply after you went in the water? 221 00:08:38,051 --> 00:08:39,317 Huh? Tell me. I can't remember. 222 00:08:39,319 --> 00:08:41,119 I was having fun. What about this apple? 223 00:08:41,121 --> 00:08:42,153 Did you wash it? Yeah. 224 00:08:42,155 --> 00:08:44,022 Don't you lie to me. It still has a sticker on it. 225 00:08:44,024 --> 00:08:47,726 Okay, damn it! Just tell me what you want! Just tell me! 226 00:08:47,728 --> 00:08:49,694 She's cheerleading five days a week 227 00:08:49,696 --> 00:08:51,830 and yet you still have her taking gym class. 228 00:08:51,832 --> 00:08:54,533 Okay, fine. Want to have study hall instead? 229 00:08:54,535 --> 00:08:56,101 Wait, for real? Oh, yeah, sure. 230 00:08:56,103 --> 00:08:57,435 Keep being my mom. Do it. Go. 231 00:08:57,437 --> 00:08:59,938 I also noticed Lainey isn't cheer captain 232 00:08:59,940 --> 00:09:02,507 when she's clearly the most talented dancer on the squad. 233 00:09:02,509 --> 00:09:06,278 I demand you make her captain, and I want her on top of the pyramid. 234 00:09:06,280 --> 00:09:09,748 Here's a list of more demands. Meet them. 235 00:09:11,652 --> 00:09:12,984 And wash that apple. 236 00:09:12,986 --> 00:09:16,521 My work is done here. See you at dinner. 237 00:09:17,491 --> 00:09:18,990 What happened? What did she do? 238 00:09:18,992 --> 00:09:22,260 I'm so angry even though I don't have any of the information. 239 00:09:22,262 --> 00:09:24,529 Chill. It was actually awesome. 240 00:09:24,531 --> 00:09:26,531 She's gone. You can drop the act now. 241 00:09:26,533 --> 00:09:27,065 It's not an act. 242 00:09:27,067 --> 00:09:29,200 No! Our mom is just poisoning your mind 243 00:09:29,202 --> 00:09:31,069 with her endless well of love and support. 244 00:09:31,071 --> 00:09:33,338 Yeah, I'm not seeing how that's a bad thing. 245 00:09:33,340 --> 00:09:34,039 (SCOFFS) 246 00:09:34,041 --> 00:09:35,807 No, where are you going? 247 00:09:35,809 --> 00:09:37,375 Cheer practice, where I'm the captain. 248 00:09:37,377 --> 00:09:39,611 You can't leave. We have a party to plan. 249 00:09:39,613 --> 00:09:41,446 Yeah, no party. Not feeling it. 250 00:09:41,448 --> 00:09:43,815 Maybe some other time. 251 00:09:44,217 --> 00:09:45,717 What the hell just happened? 252 00:09:45,719 --> 00:09:49,521 Did we just lose our kick-ass Risky Business party? 253 00:09:49,523 --> 00:09:50,956 It's worse. 254 00:09:50,958 --> 00:09:53,291 We just lost Lainey. 255 00:09:55,862 --> 00:09:58,229 MR. GLASCOTT: Thanks for coming in, Mr. Goldberg. 256 00:09:58,231 --> 00:10:01,399 Wanted to address this teacher's lounge breach head on. 257 00:10:01,401 --> 00:10:03,068 Couldn't this have been a phone call? 258 00:10:03,070 --> 00:10:04,202 Believe me, I don't want to be here either. 259 00:10:04,204 --> 00:10:06,938 After school, I go to the mall with my parrot 260 00:10:06,940 --> 00:10:09,174 and people treat me with respect. 261 00:10:09,176 --> 00:10:12,310 Her name is Feather Locklear. Real head turner. 262 00:10:12,312 --> 00:10:14,412 Look, I'm sorry I used the fax, 263 00:10:14,414 --> 00:10:16,181 but I just want to reach my girlfriend. 264 00:10:16,183 --> 00:10:18,750 Again with the girlfriend! Unbelievable! 265 00:10:18,752 --> 00:10:20,619 You're a guidance guy. Guide him. 266 00:10:20,621 --> 00:10:23,054 Tell him long-distance relationships don't work. 267 00:10:23,056 --> 00:10:24,489 I'm sorry, I beg to differ. 268 00:10:24,491 --> 00:10:26,358 I've been in a long-distance relationship 269 00:10:26,360 --> 00:10:27,993 for the past seven years. 270 00:10:27,995 --> 00:10:29,160 BOTH: Really? Yeah. 271 00:10:29,162 --> 00:10:31,796 Ellen lives in Tampa. And I'm lucky, too, 272 00:10:31,798 --> 00:10:33,198 because Ellen has a male roommate 273 00:10:33,200 --> 00:10:35,400 to keep an eye on her when we're apart. 274 00:10:35,402 --> 00:10:36,568 She lives with a guy? 275 00:10:36,570 --> 00:10:38,236 Yeah, Todd. He's a lifeguard, 276 00:10:38,238 --> 00:10:39,437 so he can totally give her CPR 277 00:10:39,439 --> 00:10:41,506 if she ever gets in any kind of trouble. 278 00:10:41,508 --> 00:10:42,741 He's a real stud. (CHUCKLES) 279 00:10:42,743 --> 00:10:46,111 I mean, does he even own a shirt? (LAUGHS) 280 00:10:46,113 --> 00:10:47,646 See, Dad? It can work. 281 00:10:47,648 --> 00:10:50,882 Okay, pay attention. This might be helpful to you. 282 00:10:50,884 --> 00:10:55,220 Uh, this long-distance girlfriend you got, you see her much? 283 00:10:55,222 --> 00:10:56,554 Well, not since she went to Paris. 284 00:10:56,556 --> 00:11:00,692 And of course, Todd tagged along because he speaks French. 285 00:11:00,694 --> 00:11:01,459 He's a good egg. 286 00:11:01,461 --> 00:11:03,695 It sounds like she's with this Todd guy. 287 00:11:03,697 --> 00:11:04,896 (CHUCKLES) No, no, no. 288 00:11:04,898 --> 00:11:08,133 She's taken his last name for insurance purposes. 289 00:11:08,135 --> 00:11:10,201 Point is, long-distance can work. 290 00:11:10,203 --> 00:11:13,571 I want to believe you, but your story has some holes. 291 00:11:13,573 --> 00:11:15,607 Hey, don't flip this back on me. 292 00:11:15,609 --> 00:11:17,909 You and Dana are the ones on the rocks. 293 00:11:17,911 --> 00:11:20,879 Frankly, we used to gab about you guys in the teacher's lounge 294 00:11:20,881 --> 00:11:23,381 how we didn't think your relationship had legs. 295 00:11:23,383 --> 00:11:24,482 You're both wrong. 296 00:11:24,484 --> 00:11:27,318 I may not be able to call or fax Dana, 297 00:11:27,320 --> 00:11:29,087 but she will know how I feel, 298 00:11:29,089 --> 00:11:31,790 even if it means doing the unthinkable. 299 00:11:31,792 --> 00:11:35,660 Bro, you've come to the right person for love advice. 300 00:11:35,662 --> 00:11:36,227 Let's do this. 301 00:11:36,229 --> 00:11:37,862 ADULT ADAM: Without the phone or the fax, 302 00:11:37,864 --> 00:11:40,365 my only option was a musical love letter, 303 00:11:40,367 --> 00:11:43,234 written by my brother and starring me. 304 00:11:43,236 --> 00:11:44,769 Hey, sweet baby girl. 305 00:11:44,771 --> 00:11:45,904 I know we can't talk on the phone, 306 00:11:45,906 --> 00:11:49,374 so I'm gonna just let the music speak for me. 307 00:11:49,376 --> 00:11:50,842 And I'll be speaking, too, 308 00:11:50,844 --> 00:11:53,278 'cause this jam is written by Big Tasty. 309 00:11:53,280 --> 00:11:55,547 Ain't that right, lil' yum yum? 310 00:11:55,549 --> 00:11:56,648 That's not my name, girl. 311 00:11:56,650 --> 00:11:59,684 ADULT ADAM: While I was tarting to feel this was a bad idea, 312 00:11:59,686 --> 00:12:01,119 Lainey couldn't have felt more at home. 313 00:12:01,121 --> 00:12:04,989 So, then you're gonna say to yourself, "Hey, that's too much cheese." 314 00:12:04,991 --> 00:12:05,790 But you know what? 315 00:12:05,792 --> 00:12:07,425 It's never too much cheese. 316 00:12:07,427 --> 00:12:11,096 God, this is so much better than cold pizza every night. 317 00:12:11,098 --> 00:12:13,064 And I love that little note you put in my lunch today. 318 00:12:13,066 --> 00:12:17,135 Well, I meant every word of it, my little snuggle monster. 319 00:12:17,137 --> 00:12:19,637 Yep, Lainey was happy to be a Goldberg, 320 00:12:19,639 --> 00:12:21,906 but the Goldbergs weren't so happy. 321 00:12:21,908 --> 00:12:23,908 It's like there's two moms now. 322 00:12:23,910 --> 00:12:25,977 This is bad. This is really bad. 323 00:12:25,979 --> 00:12:28,646 All I wanted was a kick-ass Risky Business party 324 00:12:28,648 --> 00:12:31,716 and a free pass to Princeton. Is that too much to ask? 325 00:12:31,718 --> 00:12:32,984 Don't give up hope yet. (SIGHS) 326 00:12:32,986 --> 00:12:36,020 It's time to bring out the big guns. 327 00:12:36,022 --> 00:12:38,056 Tissue me. 328 00:12:39,092 --> 00:12:39,858 (CRYING) 329 00:12:39,860 --> 00:12:41,493 And then he said, "Let's break up," 330 00:12:41,495 --> 00:12:43,294 and I'm like, "But I love you," 331 00:12:43,296 --> 00:12:44,863 and he's like, "I love you, too, 332 00:12:44,865 --> 00:12:45,830 "but I'm not in love with you." 333 00:12:45,832 --> 00:12:51,770 I'm sorry, Lainey. I just really need my mom's full and undivided attention. 334 00:12:53,406 --> 00:12:56,474 Wow, it's so surprising and unsettling to hear 335 00:12:56,476 --> 00:12:58,476 that you've had a boyfriend all this time 336 00:12:58,478 --> 00:12:59,844 and none of us knew about it. 337 00:12:59,846 --> 00:13:01,212 Say, what was his name? 338 00:13:01,214 --> 00:13:02,914 (STAMMERING) His name? Uh-huh. 339 00:13:02,916 --> 00:13:05,483 His, his name was, uh... 340 00:13:06,887 --> 00:13:07,619 Shrimpson. 341 00:13:07,621 --> 00:13:11,055 Shrimpson. It's Dutch! (CRYING) 342 00:13:11,057 --> 00:13:13,558 I'm sorry, Lainey. Maybe you should go. 343 00:13:13,560 --> 00:13:14,159 No. No, no, no. 344 00:13:14,161 --> 00:13:16,661 You're just trying to remove me from her life 345 00:13:16,663 --> 00:13:20,198 just like how you removed me from yours. 346 00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:23,101 What? (SCOFFS) How dare you. 347 00:13:23,103 --> 00:13:25,170 Good luck with Mr. Shrimpsteen. 348 00:13:25,172 --> 00:13:27,272 It's Shrimpson! 349 00:13:27,274 --> 00:13:28,606 (CRYING) 350 00:13:28,608 --> 00:13:30,074 Okay, what are you doing? 351 00:13:30,076 --> 00:13:32,343 Saving you. From what? 352 00:13:32,345 --> 00:13:33,645 Your mom's cooking? 353 00:13:33,647 --> 00:13:35,680 Her sweet little notes? Her support? 354 00:13:35,682 --> 00:13:36,714 Yeah, sure, it seems nice now, 355 00:13:36,716 --> 00:13:39,684 but my mom loves us more than any mom loves her kids. 356 00:13:39,686 --> 00:13:42,453 I don't think the problem here is your mom. 357 00:13:42,455 --> 00:13:45,356 It's you. You don't appreciate her. 358 00:13:45,358 --> 00:13:45,924 Fine. 359 00:13:45,926 --> 00:13:49,227 But don't say I didn't warn you. 360 00:13:54,201 --> 00:13:55,567 Lainey. 361 00:13:56,670 --> 00:13:58,736 Come to temporary mommy. 362 00:13:58,738 --> 00:14:00,605 Lainey. Lainey! 363 00:14:03,743 --> 00:14:05,476 (TAPPING) 364 00:14:07,447 --> 00:14:10,048 Hi. (CHUCKLES) What are you doing here? 365 00:14:10,050 --> 00:14:11,149 In the middle of the day? 366 00:14:11,151 --> 00:14:13,651 Oh, it's kind of my thing. You'll see. 367 00:14:13,653 --> 00:14:15,887 I just wanted to drop this off. 368 00:14:15,889 --> 00:14:17,121 SAT prep? 369 00:14:17,123 --> 00:14:19,023 Yeah, here's the thing. I'm not going to college. 370 00:14:19,025 --> 00:14:21,526 What's that, now? I want to be a dancer in New York. 371 00:14:21,528 --> 00:14:24,128 Or Vegas, whichever one's closer. 372 00:14:24,130 --> 00:14:24,662 Oh. 373 00:14:24,664 --> 00:14:27,532 That sounds fun. But yeah, you're going to college. 374 00:14:27,534 --> 00:14:28,700 I'm really not. Oh, you are. 375 00:14:28,702 --> 00:14:32,070 I spoke to your father about it, and he signed off. 376 00:14:32,072 --> 00:14:32,804 This is Raji. 377 00:14:32,806 --> 00:14:35,006 He'll be tutoring you every day at study hall 378 00:14:35,008 --> 00:14:37,709 and Saturdays at 8:00 a.m. When you're nice and fresh. 379 00:14:37,711 --> 00:14:39,878 I'll see you at dinner, love bug. 380 00:14:41,181 --> 00:14:42,847 Your mom's very pushy. 381 00:14:42,849 --> 00:14:46,284 ADULT ADAM: As Lainey was starting to panic about her new smother, 382 00:14:46,286 --> 00:14:48,753 I was finishing my love jam. 383 00:14:48,755 --> 00:14:51,222 ¶ Nothin' in between us 384 00:14:51,791 --> 00:14:54,492 ¶ No distance can defeat us 385 00:14:54,494 --> 00:14:55,827 ¶ Dat's love 386 00:14:55,829 --> 00:14:59,163 ¶ Miles, inches, yards, feet 387 00:14:59,165 --> 00:15:02,567 ¶ Fathoms in the oceans, kilometers on the street 388 00:15:02,569 --> 00:15:04,435 ¶ He'd punch a stegosaurus 389 00:15:04,437 --> 00:15:06,271 ¶ Jump the Grand Canyon 390 00:15:06,273 --> 00:15:08,072 ¶ Karate kick Godzilla 391 00:15:08,074 --> 00:15:10,341 ¶ Just to be your companion 392 00:15:10,343 --> 00:15:13,411 ¶ Nothing in between... ¶ 393 00:15:15,215 --> 00:15:16,581 It's bad, isn't it? 394 00:15:16,583 --> 00:15:17,815 It's not great. 395 00:15:17,817 --> 00:15:20,785 Well, I've tried everything. 396 00:15:20,954 --> 00:15:22,186 You were right, Dad. 397 00:15:22,188 --> 00:15:25,156 Long distance never works. 398 00:15:25,158 --> 00:15:27,058 You win. 399 00:15:27,360 --> 00:15:28,993 You know, I seem to recall 400 00:15:28,995 --> 00:15:31,396 a certain long-distance relationship 401 00:15:31,398 --> 00:15:32,563 that worked just fine. 402 00:15:32,565 --> 00:15:33,464 What are you talking about? 403 00:15:33,466 --> 00:15:36,334 Those six months you spent in ROTC 404 00:15:36,336 --> 00:15:37,068 away from Beverly. 405 00:15:37,070 --> 00:15:41,306 You know, when you called her every single day. 406 00:15:41,308 --> 00:15:44,042 That was different. I was an adult. 407 00:15:44,044 --> 00:15:45,009 Just 'cause he's a kid 408 00:15:45,011 --> 00:15:47,712 doesn't mean his feelings aren't real. 409 00:15:47,714 --> 00:15:51,182 Trust me, Mur. He loves that girl. 410 00:15:51,685 --> 00:15:54,619 ¶ There's nothin' in between us 411 00:15:54,621 --> 00:15:56,621 ¶ 'Cept love 412 00:15:56,623 --> 00:15:59,090 ¶ And dinosaurs ¶ 413 00:15:59,726 --> 00:16:00,825 ADULT ADAM: While I had given up, 414 00:16:00,827 --> 00:16:03,861 Erica and Lainey were preparing to take on my mom. 415 00:16:03,863 --> 00:16:05,697 What have I done? I unleashed the beast. 416 00:16:05,699 --> 00:16:07,832 Oh, this is not good. You were right. 417 00:16:07,834 --> 00:16:09,400 This isn't a time for "I told you so." 418 00:16:09,402 --> 00:16:11,836 It's a time for action, and I told you so! 419 00:16:11,838 --> 00:16:14,272 I'll do whatever you say to make it stop. 420 00:16:14,274 --> 00:16:15,606 There's only one way. 421 00:16:15,608 --> 00:16:17,108 She thinks that she calls the shots, 422 00:16:17,110 --> 00:16:20,244 but you have to break her heart and show her that you do. 423 00:16:20,246 --> 00:16:23,314 May I suggest throwing a kick-ass "risky business" party? 424 00:16:23,316 --> 00:16:25,750 Can you stop eavesdropping like a weirdo? 425 00:16:25,752 --> 00:16:29,153 I eavesdrop like a badass, and you know it. 426 00:16:29,389 --> 00:16:30,555 The weirdo's right. 427 00:16:30,557 --> 00:16:33,257 The party is back on. Yes! 428 00:16:33,259 --> 00:16:33,858 GIRL: Whoo! 429 00:16:33,860 --> 00:16:36,761 Within three hours, Lainey's house was jumping. 430 00:16:36,763 --> 00:16:37,562 A little too much. 431 00:16:37,564 --> 00:16:41,099 The TV was stolen, furniture was danced upon, 432 00:16:41,101 --> 00:16:42,834 the record player was pizza'd. 433 00:16:42,836 --> 00:16:44,535 Also, this lady showed up. 434 00:16:44,537 --> 00:16:47,138 Hey, we wanted "risky business," right? 435 00:16:47,140 --> 00:16:48,239 Yeah, but not this much. 436 00:16:48,241 --> 00:16:50,842 I think there are actual you-know-what-stitutes here. 437 00:16:50,844 --> 00:16:54,846 Even the nice geeks at school got swept up in the madness 438 00:16:54,848 --> 00:16:57,849 and decided to let loose. 439 00:16:58,284 --> 00:17:00,018 (SLOW-MOTION) No! 440 00:17:00,020 --> 00:17:03,721 Unfortunately, they let loose an MVP football trophy 441 00:17:03,723 --> 00:17:05,723 Lainey's dad had won in college. 442 00:17:05,725 --> 00:17:07,125 This party needed a hero. 443 00:17:07,127 --> 00:17:10,862 And tonight, it wasn't Tom Cruise. 444 00:17:11,464 --> 00:17:12,263 And... 445 00:17:12,265 --> 00:17:14,732 It wasn't Barry Goldberg. 446 00:17:14,734 --> 00:17:16,701 It was my mom. 447 00:17:16,703 --> 00:17:19,604 Turns out the only thing worse than an insane party 448 00:17:19,606 --> 00:17:22,273 is an insanely mad smother. 449 00:17:22,275 --> 00:17:26,577 It was 1:00 a.m., and the party was still raging. 450 00:17:26,579 --> 00:17:27,178 So was my mom. 451 00:17:27,180 --> 00:17:30,848 I have failed as a mother and as a temporary mother. 452 00:17:30,850 --> 00:17:31,482 Shame on you. 453 00:17:31,484 --> 00:17:35,019 Lying, sneaking out, betraying my trust. 454 00:17:35,021 --> 00:17:36,054 I mean, come... Oh. 455 00:17:36,056 --> 00:17:38,956 My God. Thank you for coming. 456 00:17:39,626 --> 00:17:40,425 I'm so sorry. 457 00:17:40,427 --> 00:17:42,927 Oh. Save us from ourselves. 458 00:17:42,929 --> 00:17:43,327 Shh. 459 00:17:43,329 --> 00:17:46,631 Everything's gonna be all right. Mama will fix it. 460 00:17:46,633 --> 00:17:47,265 (CHUCKLES) 461 00:17:47,267 --> 00:17:51,269 Just let me soak in this hug for one more moment. 462 00:17:51,271 --> 00:17:52,303 And then the fixing began, 463 00:17:52,305 --> 00:17:55,873 as my mom made the coolest party painfully uncool. 464 00:17:55,875 --> 00:17:58,042 I know I told you never to Tom Cruise the floor, 465 00:17:58,044 --> 00:18:01,612 but sometimes you just got to say, "what the (BLEEP)" 466 00:18:01,614 --> 00:18:04,782 (INTRO TO BOB SEGER'S OLD TIME ROCK AND ROLL PLAYS) 467 00:18:04,784 --> 00:18:05,850 (VOLUME INCREASES) 468 00:18:05,852 --> 00:18:09,220 (LIP-SYNCHING) ¶ Just take those old records off the shelf 469 00:18:09,222 --> 00:18:11,456 Turns out it actually comes in handy 470 00:18:11,458 --> 00:18:13,825 to have a smother so embarrassing 471 00:18:13,827 --> 00:18:14,859 that she can clear out a party. 472 00:18:14,861 --> 00:18:18,696 But in that moment, my brother and sister realized that Lainey was right. 473 00:18:18,698 --> 00:18:21,199 ¶ I like that old time rock and roll ¶ 474 00:18:21,201 --> 00:18:22,100 It's not so bad having a mom 475 00:18:22,102 --> 00:18:25,169 willing to risk everything for her kids... 476 00:18:25,171 --> 00:18:27,638 (CRASHES) I'm okay. 477 00:18:27,640 --> 00:18:32,176 ...and when the smoke clears, clean up their mess. 478 00:18:32,178 --> 00:18:34,045 Thank you for staying. 479 00:18:34,047 --> 00:18:36,547 It was pretty cool of you. 480 00:18:36,549 --> 00:18:37,782 Look. 481 00:18:37,784 --> 00:18:41,686 I know I got carried away with Lainey. 482 00:18:41,688 --> 00:18:43,187 (CHUCKLES) 483 00:18:43,189 --> 00:18:44,088 It's just... 484 00:18:44,090 --> 00:18:48,459 I loved having someone who was willing to listen. 485 00:18:49,028 --> 00:18:52,296 Someone who's not always pushing me away. 486 00:18:52,298 --> 00:18:56,434 And I know you love us more than anything. 487 00:18:56,436 --> 00:18:59,137 And we appreciate it. 488 00:18:59,806 --> 00:19:00,438 We really do. 489 00:19:00,440 --> 00:19:02,707 So maybe you won't push me away as much? 490 00:19:02,709 --> 00:19:05,643 Depends if you won't get carried away so much. 491 00:19:05,645 --> 00:19:08,546 Yeah, both aren't gonna happen. 492 00:19:08,548 --> 00:19:09,881 (CHUCKLES) 493 00:19:09,883 --> 00:19:11,983 For now. 494 00:19:13,520 --> 00:19:15,620 That's the amazing thing about parents. 495 00:19:15,622 --> 00:19:17,788 No matter how hard you push them away, 496 00:19:17,790 --> 00:19:18,723 they'll never let you go. 497 00:19:18,725 --> 00:19:22,026 And sometimes, they give you just the push you need. 498 00:19:22,028 --> 00:19:23,427 What you writing? 499 00:19:23,429 --> 00:19:25,730 It's called a break-up letter. 500 00:19:25,732 --> 00:19:26,364 Put your pen down. 501 00:19:26,366 --> 00:19:28,799 You don't have to break up with what's-her-face. 502 00:19:28,801 --> 00:19:30,468 Her name is... Dana, yes. 503 00:19:30,470 --> 00:19:32,937 I know. I know. I know. 504 00:19:32,939 --> 00:19:33,538 (SIGHS) 505 00:19:33,540 --> 00:19:35,840 How about if I let you call her again? 506 00:19:35,842 --> 00:19:36,574 Wait. Seriously? 507 00:19:36,576 --> 00:19:38,676 Ten minutes a night. Will that work? 508 00:19:38,678 --> 00:19:40,111 Really? Ten minutes. 509 00:19:40,113 --> 00:19:41,612 Not a second more. I mean it. 510 00:19:41,614 --> 00:19:43,014 I got a stopwatch in the drawer. 511 00:19:43,016 --> 00:19:45,449 You said long distance was impossible. 512 00:19:45,451 --> 00:19:46,450 Yeah, well, I remembered 513 00:19:46,452 --> 00:19:48,786 that I actually knew a guy who pulled it off. 514 00:19:48,788 --> 00:19:49,754 Really? Yeah. 515 00:19:49,756 --> 00:19:52,490 No matter how far away the girl was, he loved her, 516 00:19:52,492 --> 00:19:54,725 and that's all that mattered. 517 00:19:54,794 --> 00:19:55,927 I love Dana. 518 00:19:55,929 --> 00:19:57,328 I... I really do. 519 00:19:57,330 --> 00:19:59,397 Well, then, make that call. 520 00:19:59,399 --> 00:20:01,132 But 10 minutes only. 521 00:20:01,134 --> 00:20:02,967 ¶ Left, right, left 522 00:20:02,969 --> 00:20:05,937 ¶ We all fall down 523 00:20:05,939 --> 00:20:06,504 ¶ All fall down 524 00:20:06,506 --> 00:20:08,072 There, I see it. Halley's Comet. 525 00:20:08,074 --> 00:20:10,241 ¶ Like toy soldiers My God, so cool. 526 00:20:10,243 --> 00:20:11,609 Did you see it? 527 00:20:11,611 --> 00:20:12,710 Yeah, I did. 528 00:20:12,712 --> 00:20:14,245 Oh, my God, that was amazing. 529 00:20:14,247 --> 00:20:15,947 You know what the best part was? 530 00:20:15,949 --> 00:20:17,348 What? 531 00:20:17,350 --> 00:20:18,115 I saw it with you. 532 00:20:18,117 --> 00:20:20,585 ADULT ADAM: It was a night I'd remember forever. 533 00:20:20,587 --> 00:20:23,054 Sure, Dana and I were 3,000 miles away, 534 00:20:23,056 --> 00:20:24,355 but we never felt closer. 535 00:20:24,357 --> 00:20:27,558 And even though my dad said he couldn't afford our love, 536 00:20:27,560 --> 00:20:28,593 in the end, he knew 537 00:20:28,595 --> 00:20:32,296 there's just some things in life you can't put a price on. 538 00:20:32,298 --> 00:20:35,499 BEVERLY: Adam, get off the roof. You'll break your neck. 539 00:20:35,501 --> 00:20:39,036 ¶ Only emptiness remains 540 00:20:39,806 --> 00:20:41,939 (OFF-KEY) ¶ Step by step 541 00:20:41,941 --> 00:20:43,708 ¶ Heart to heart 542 00:20:43,710 --> 00:20:45,343 ¶ Left, right, left 543 00:20:45,345 --> 00:20:49,380 ¶ We'll all fall down 544 00:20:49,382 --> 00:20:52,750 ¶ Like toy soldiers ¶ 545 00:20:52,752 --> 00:20:54,685 I'll be your boyfriend. 546 00:20:54,687 --> 00:20:55,920 Yeah, I'll be your boyfriend, okay? 547 00:20:55,922 --> 00:20:59,624 Don't you see we're young? It doesn't matter what we do. 548 00:20:59,626 --> 00:21:01,058 (BELCHES) 549 00:21:05,465 --> 00:21:07,865 Did you just take a tab? 550 00:21:07,867 --> 00:21:08,633 Oh, my God. 551 00:21:08,635 --> 00:21:10,434 Oh, my God, you have no idea 552 00:21:10,436 --> 00:21:12,370 how long I've waited for this moment. 553 00:21:12,372 --> 00:21:13,304 Yeah, I just wanted to... 554 00:21:13,306 --> 00:21:16,340 Learn how to shred the axe? You will. 555 00:21:17,010 --> 00:21:18,876 Oh. You just wanted to... 556 00:21:18,878 --> 00:21:21,145 It lost its minty flavor. 557 00:21:24,117 --> 00:21:25,883 Wait a minute. 558 00:21:25,885 --> 00:21:28,185 Ellen is with Todd.