1
00:00:00,066 --> 00:00:02,801
Adult adam:
Ah, the toy crazes
of the '80s.
2
00:00:02,803 --> 00:00:05,204
G.I. Joe, laser tag,
rubik's cube,
3
00:00:05,206 --> 00:00:07,172
Transformers,
care bears.
4
00:00:07,174 --> 00:00:10,175
But the mother of them all
were the cabbage patch kids...
5
00:00:10,177 --> 00:00:11,710
Chubby-cheeked
balls of cuteness
6
00:00:11,712 --> 00:00:14,146
You could adopt
as your very own.
7
00:00:14,148 --> 00:00:18,851
And I got mine
in a most unusual way.
8
00:00:18,853 --> 00:00:19,585
In my hand,
9
00:00:19,587 --> 00:00:22,588
I hold your final exam
for health class...
10
00:00:22,590 --> 00:00:24,656
The reality of parenting.
11
00:00:24,658 --> 00:00:27,092
Wow. How many
of these do you own?
12
00:00:27,094 --> 00:00:27,860
You know,
I'm not married,
13
00:00:27,862 --> 00:00:30,162
And I'm severely allergic
to cat and dog dander,
14
00:00:30,164 --> 00:00:34,166
So I guess you could say
these are like my children.
15
00:00:34,168 --> 00:00:37,803
Ha! That's a joke.
I'm fine.
16
00:00:37,805 --> 00:00:38,237
Okay.
17
00:00:38,239 --> 00:00:40,806
So, for this assignment,
you are going to pair up
18
00:00:40,808 --> 00:00:42,574
And you're going
to tend to the child
19
00:00:42,576 --> 00:00:43,809
As if it's a real baby.
20
00:00:43,811 --> 00:00:46,512
And every 30 minutes,
you're gonna
spin the wheel
21
00:00:46,514 --> 00:00:47,746
And do the assigned chore.
22
00:00:47,748 --> 00:00:48,547
Feeding, burping, diapering.
23
00:00:48,549 --> 00:00:50,249
You get it...
The things that
married couples do.
24
00:00:50,251 --> 00:00:55,320
Or... So I've seen
from my three married
younger sisters.
25
00:00:56,923 --> 00:00:59,058
Okay, partner up.
26
00:00:59,060 --> 00:00:59,725
Dana isabelle caldwell,
27
00:00:59,727 --> 00:01:02,027
Will you be
the mother
of my cabbage?
28
00:01:02,029 --> 00:01:04,396
I don't know.
I don't want this to make
things weird between us.
29
00:01:04,398 --> 00:01:07,466
Trust me...
A baby only
makes things better.
30
00:01:07,468 --> 00:01:08,534
It's like
the old saying...
31
00:01:08,536 --> 00:01:10,369
"if your relationship sucks,
a baby will fix it."
32
00:01:10,371 --> 00:01:12,871
Adult adam: Okay, so, maybe
I was way off about that,
33
00:01:12,873 --> 00:01:14,206
But I did know
that this project
34
00:01:14,208 --> 00:01:17,709
Was the perfect way
for me to get
closer to dana.
35
00:01:17,711 --> 00:01:18,243
(laughs)
36
00:01:18,245 --> 00:01:20,012
Welcome to our tree home,
my dear.
37
00:01:20,014 --> 00:01:21,880
I've already
put down the baby
38
00:01:21,882 --> 00:01:23,615
And whipped us
up some supper.
39
00:01:23,617 --> 00:01:26,051
Aww. Smurf ravioli...
My favorite.
40
00:01:26,053 --> 00:01:28,554
Well, only the best
for my girl dana
41
00:01:28,556 --> 00:01:30,355
And our little angel, ripley.
42
00:01:30,357 --> 00:01:33,325
Ripley?
It's a classic
girl's name.
43
00:01:33,327 --> 00:01:34,126
Also happens to be
44
00:01:34,128 --> 00:01:36,295
Sigourney weaver's
badass character
in "aliens."
45
00:01:36,297 --> 00:01:39,631
How about one
that'll make us
both happy?
46
00:01:39,633 --> 00:01:40,866
Leia.
47
00:01:40,868 --> 00:01:43,836
Leia delorean goldberg!
48
00:01:43,838 --> 00:01:44,303
I love it!
49
00:01:44,305 --> 00:01:47,806
Snuggle boo-boo!
Dinner's ready!
50
00:01:47,808 --> 00:01:48,507
What is all this?
51
00:01:48,509 --> 00:01:51,743
Health class.
We got to care
for a pretend baby.
52
00:01:51,745 --> 00:01:55,013
Oh, I'm finally
a grandma, huh?
53
00:01:55,015 --> 00:01:55,781
(laughs)
54
00:01:55,783 --> 00:01:58,083
Well, move over.
Isn't this fun?
55
00:01:58,085 --> 00:01:59,218
Come on.
Let me hold her.
56
00:01:59,220 --> 00:02:01,954
Actually, um,
we're not supposed
to get any
57
00:02:01,956 --> 00:02:03,222
Outside help
with leia.
58
00:02:03,224 --> 00:02:05,824
"leia"?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
59
00:02:05,826 --> 00:02:07,426
That's so boring and plain.
60
00:02:07,428 --> 00:02:11,730
What about "myrna,"
after your great-grandma?
61
00:02:14,334 --> 00:02:15,634
Um, maybe.
62
00:02:15,636 --> 00:02:16,602
Yeah, I mean,
63
00:02:16,604 --> 00:02:18,770
It was a name in progress...
64
00:02:18,772 --> 00:02:20,005
Was it?
65
00:02:20,007 --> 00:02:21,874
Everyone agrees.
Myrna it is.
66
00:02:21,876 --> 00:02:23,375
Okay,
I get how this works.
67
00:02:23,377 --> 00:02:26,011
We spin the thing
and do the thingy.
(gasps)
68
00:02:26,013 --> 00:02:27,312
(sing song)
¶ baby's got poo-poos ¶
69
00:02:27,314 --> 00:02:30,649
Let me change her.
Actually,
we're good. Thanks.
70
00:02:30,651 --> 00:02:32,017
Oh.
71
00:02:32,019 --> 00:02:33,785
Oh.
72
00:02:35,455 --> 00:02:36,922
Oh.
73
00:02:36,924 --> 00:02:39,691
Well, uh, I'm gonna go
check in on your father.
74
00:02:39,693 --> 00:02:40,592
I'm sure
he still needs me.
75
00:02:40,594 --> 00:02:44,229
Adult adam: As usual,
my smother had jammed
herself into my life
76
00:02:44,231 --> 00:02:45,464
And made it
real awkward real quick.
77
00:02:45,466 --> 00:02:48,800
I had to do some
epic damage control...
And fast.
78
00:02:48,802 --> 00:02:52,804
How about a toast
to the world's greatest mom?
79
00:02:53,373 --> 00:02:55,040
Somebody call me?
80
00:02:55,108 --> 00:02:56,508
No?
81
00:02:57,877 --> 00:02:59,978
Okay.
(chuckles)
82
00:03:02,482 --> 00:03:03,749
¶ I'm twisted up inside
83
00:03:03,751 --> 00:03:07,452
¶ but nonetheless
I feel the need to say
84
00:03:09,455 --> 00:03:10,856
¶ I don't know the future
85
00:03:10,858 --> 00:03:14,426
¶ but the past keeps getting
clearer every day ¶
86
00:03:14,428 --> 00:03:16,328
Adult adam:
It was March 10th,
1980-something,
87
00:03:16,330 --> 00:03:19,364
And barry was chiling
with his best
and only friends,
88
00:03:19,366 --> 00:03:22,968
The jenkin town posse...
Also known as the jtp.
89
00:03:22,970 --> 00:03:23,669
All right, batter up.
90
00:03:23,671 --> 00:03:27,239
I got, uh, an egg,
a grapefruit,
and a light bulb.
91
00:03:27,241 --> 00:03:29,274
Grapefruit! Let's go, baby!
Come on! Game on.
92
00:03:29,276 --> 00:03:31,643
All: (chanting)
smash ball! Smash ball!
93
00:03:31,645 --> 00:03:33,045
Smash ball!
94
00:03:33,047 --> 00:03:34,580
(all screaming)
95
00:03:34,582 --> 00:03:37,216
Dude, the citrus
is burning my eyes!
96
00:03:37,218 --> 00:03:38,984
I can't see!
That's awesome!
97
00:03:38,986 --> 00:03:39,718
Barry goldberg,
98
00:03:39,720 --> 00:03:42,821
King of smash ball
and king of the jtp!
99
00:03:42,823 --> 00:03:44,256
All: Jtp!
100
00:03:44,258 --> 00:03:45,857
(all cheering)
101
00:03:45,859 --> 00:03:47,593
This was fun.
See ya.
102
00:03:47,595 --> 00:03:49,061
Wai... What?
What?
103
00:03:49,063 --> 00:03:49,795
You just got here, man.
104
00:03:49,797 --> 00:03:51,063
You said tonight was
gonna be legendary.
105
00:03:51,065 --> 00:03:54,266
Sorry, guys.
I made plans
with my special lady.
106
00:03:54,268 --> 00:03:55,200
What happened to you, bro?
107
00:03:55,202 --> 00:03:56,635
Since that girl
came into your life,
108
00:03:56,637 --> 00:03:58,403
It's like
we don't even exist, man.
109
00:03:58,405 --> 00:04:01,473
Yeah, dude.
It's time you made
a choice.
110
00:04:01,475 --> 00:04:02,040
It's either us
111
00:04:02,042 --> 00:04:05,177
Or the super-hot,
popular girl that
you make out with.
112
00:04:05,179 --> 00:04:07,779
Her. 100% her.
113
00:04:09,115 --> 00:04:10,716
(sighs)
114
00:04:12,418 --> 00:04:13,185
Lainey? You're here?
115
00:04:13,187 --> 00:04:15,621
I've been calling
your house for
the last two hours!
116
00:04:15,623 --> 00:04:18,290
We have to get ready
for anthony balsamo's party.
117
00:04:18,292 --> 00:04:19,891
God, I'm so sorry, erica.
118
00:04:19,893 --> 00:04:20,926
I totally forgot.
119
00:04:20,928 --> 00:04:22,794
Me 'n' bar decided
we were gonna stay in
120
00:04:22,796 --> 00:04:24,196
And have a romantic
evening together.
121
00:04:24,198 --> 00:04:26,865
I've been holding
in a fart this whole time.
122
00:04:26,867 --> 00:04:27,366
Aww.
123
00:04:27,368 --> 00:04:30,035
Well, I can't just go
to the party by myself.
124
00:04:30,037 --> 00:04:30,869
That's pathetic.
125
00:04:30,871 --> 00:04:33,472
(whispers) it is pathetic.
Invite her to
watch with us.
126
00:04:33,474 --> 00:04:35,941
I'd rather not.
I find she sucks.
127
00:04:35,943 --> 00:04:37,943
I can hear you.
And you suck.
128
00:04:37,945 --> 00:04:40,879
Lainey, next Friday
we're hanging out.
No excuses.
129
00:04:40,881 --> 00:04:44,349
Ooh, my girl's
gonna be busy that night.
130
00:04:44,984 --> 00:04:46,018
Tickets to
the heart concert?
131
00:04:46,020 --> 00:04:49,054
No way! Lainey and I
have been talking
about going for months!
132
00:04:49,056 --> 00:04:53,292
Which is how I knew
it'd score me major points
to get us tickets.
133
00:04:53,294 --> 00:04:56,295
I can't believe
you pulled this off.
134
00:04:56,297 --> 00:04:57,496
You are the best!
135
00:04:57,498 --> 00:04:59,631
Oh, my god.
What is that smell?
136
00:05:01,968 --> 00:05:02,401
Hey, guys?
137
00:05:02,403 --> 00:05:04,403
Things have been
kind of weird with dana.
138
00:05:04,405 --> 00:05:06,371
Thought I should
ask you about it.
139
00:05:06,373 --> 00:05:07,205
Sure thing, kiddo.
140
00:05:07,207 --> 00:05:08,507
(tv shuts off)
happy to help.
141
00:05:08,509 --> 00:05:10,075
And I, also, am here.
142
00:05:10,077 --> 00:05:11,576
Why is dana
super-pissed at me
143
00:05:11,578 --> 00:05:13,211
For siding
with mom over her
144
00:05:13,213 --> 00:05:14,780
When it comes to
raising kids?
145
00:05:14,782 --> 00:05:16,748
You never side
with your mother
146
00:05:16,750 --> 00:05:18,016
Over your lady,
you moron.
147
00:05:18,018 --> 00:05:20,719
Pack up your toys
and move to another town.
148
00:05:20,721 --> 00:05:22,954
The life you've
built here is over.
149
00:05:22,956 --> 00:05:24,990
But it's like
what mom always says,
150
00:05:24,992 --> 00:05:26,058
"happy mom, happy life."
151
00:05:26,060 --> 00:05:30,395
No! The phrase is
"happy wife, happy life."
152
00:05:30,397 --> 00:05:31,229
It rhymes!
153
00:05:31,231 --> 00:05:34,566
I thought "happy mom,
happy life" was clunky!
154
00:05:34,568 --> 00:05:36,001
I'm such a putz!
155
00:05:36,003 --> 00:05:37,035
(doorbell rings)
156
00:05:37,037 --> 00:05:38,337
Ohh, it's dana.
What do I tell her?
157
00:05:38,339 --> 00:05:41,440
That she's calling
the shots in
your relationship.
158
00:05:41,442 --> 00:05:45,344
You hear me?
Now, tell her,
damn you!
159
00:05:45,845 --> 00:05:46,778
Hey. It's getting late,
160
00:05:46,780 --> 00:05:49,715
So we should
feed (sighs) myrna.
161
00:05:49,717 --> 00:05:50,949
Actually,
I've been thinking.
162
00:05:50,951 --> 00:05:52,684
Let's go with leia...
The name you want.
163
00:05:52,686 --> 00:05:55,087
Really?
What about
your mom?
164
00:05:55,089 --> 00:05:56,922
Hey, this is
your cabbage patch,
165
00:05:56,924 --> 00:05:59,091
And I completely
and fully support
166
00:05:59,093 --> 00:06:02,494
Your decisions
on all matters.
167
00:06:02,795 --> 00:06:03,295
Thank you.
168
00:06:03,297 --> 00:06:05,130
I mean, I totally appreciate
your mom wanting to help,
169
00:06:05,132 --> 00:06:07,299
But she needs to know
it's our project.
170
00:06:07,301 --> 00:06:08,633
Exactly.
So you'll let her know?
171
00:06:08,635 --> 00:06:11,269
Know what, now?
You know,
to stay out of it.
172
00:06:11,271 --> 00:06:13,772
Set some boundaries.
Boundaries? Whoa.
173
00:06:13,774 --> 00:06:16,274
Uh, you know my mom.
That's a big ask.
174
00:06:16,276 --> 00:06:17,943
I...Guess
I could talk to her.
175
00:06:17,945 --> 00:06:19,978
Adam: You know what? Yeah.
That's perfect.
176
00:06:19,980 --> 00:06:21,380
She's in the kitchen
right now.
177
00:06:21,382 --> 00:06:26,651
Adult adam: I not only
took their advice,
I hit it out of the park.
178
00:06:26,653 --> 00:06:27,219
Are you nuts?
179
00:06:27,221 --> 00:06:29,888
You never let
your mother
and your wife
180
00:06:29,890 --> 00:06:32,591
Hash things out
with each other.
181
00:06:32,593 --> 00:06:33,759
You got to be
the buffer.
182
00:06:33,761 --> 00:06:35,761
Otherwise,
it spirals into chaos.
183
00:06:35,763 --> 00:06:39,531
Okay, you guys need
to tell me this
great advice
184
00:06:39,533 --> 00:06:40,632
Before I fudge the bed!
185
00:06:40,634 --> 00:06:43,135
Adult adam:
While I was running off
to save my relationship,
186
00:06:43,137 --> 00:06:47,272
The jtp was still mourning
the loss of barry goldberg.
187
00:06:47,274 --> 00:06:49,274
Dudes, it's barry's
bananas hot sister.
188
00:06:49,276 --> 00:06:51,443
Okay, be cool.
Let the ladies' man
handle this.
189
00:06:51,445 --> 00:06:54,479
(clears throat) hey!
190
00:06:55,615 --> 00:06:57,416
I'm panicking.
Someone take over.
191
00:06:57,418 --> 00:06:58,884
Uh...
192
00:06:58,886 --> 00:06:59,651
Greetings, m'lady.
193
00:06:59,653 --> 00:07:02,120
Uh, what doth bring thou
to our domain?
194
00:07:02,122 --> 00:07:06,291
So, this is where you
guys hang out
all the time, huh?
195
00:07:06,293 --> 00:07:06,958
What do you do here?
196
00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:09,327
Do you want to play
smash ball with us?
197
00:07:09,329 --> 00:07:10,562
I really don't.
198
00:07:10,564 --> 00:07:12,898
All: (chanting)
smash ball. Smash ball.
199
00:07:12,900 --> 00:07:15,033
Smash ball! Smash ball!
Smash ball! Smash ball!
200
00:07:15,035 --> 00:07:16,835
Okay! Okay!
Stop saying
"smash ball."
201
00:07:16,837 --> 00:07:19,037
Fine. I'll play
your weird game.
202
00:07:19,039 --> 00:07:19,905
(laughs) whoo!
203
00:07:19,907 --> 00:07:22,140
Okay. In there.
Not gonna touch you.
204
00:07:22,142 --> 00:07:23,108
It's over there.
Okay.
205
00:07:23,110 --> 00:07:24,476
And then...
Lettuce.
206
00:07:24,478 --> 00:07:25,644
Got it. All right.
207
00:07:25,646 --> 00:07:27,312
Um, okay.
208
00:07:27,314 --> 00:07:29,114
Let's go. Let's go.
209
00:07:29,116 --> 00:07:31,583
Ohh!
(laughing)
210
00:07:31,585 --> 00:07:32,818
Adult adam:
And just like that,
211
00:07:32,820 --> 00:07:36,555
Erica swung her way
into the hearts of the jtp.
212
00:07:37,857 --> 00:07:39,257
Ohh!
Ohh!
213
00:07:39,259 --> 00:07:40,826
(all grunting)
214
00:07:40,828 --> 00:07:42,894
(laughing)
215
00:07:43,062 --> 00:07:44,596
Big e!
216
00:07:44,598 --> 00:07:46,565
Yes!
Whoo!
217
00:07:46,567 --> 00:07:48,800
So, you guys going
to anthony balsamo's party?
218
00:07:48,802 --> 00:07:50,635
Hell, yeah!
Par-tay!
219
00:07:50,637 --> 00:07:51,670
Balsamo!
220
00:07:51,672 --> 00:07:53,104
So, you guys
don't know
about it, then?
221
00:07:53,106 --> 00:07:55,273
No, what's...
No, we don't.
Where is that?
222
00:07:55,275 --> 00:07:55,907
Balsamo.
223
00:07:55,909 --> 00:07:57,843
Well, I guess
you guys can tag along...
224
00:07:57,845 --> 00:07:59,478
If you don't act weird
225
00:07:59,480 --> 00:08:00,779
And naked rob
doesn't get naked.
226
00:08:00,781 --> 00:08:04,850
That's cool.
I only get naked
around dudes.
227
00:08:06,118 --> 00:08:08,553
Adult adam:
After a surprisingly
fun night
228
00:08:08,555 --> 00:08:09,387
With barry's friends,
229
00:08:09,389 --> 00:08:11,523
My sister
formulated a plan
230
00:08:11,525 --> 00:08:13,992
To reclaim her friend
from barry.
231
00:08:13,994 --> 00:08:15,360
Yo, big e!
Over here!
232
00:08:15,362 --> 00:08:16,895
Rob: Oh, dude,
she's coming over.
233
00:08:16,897 --> 00:08:18,630
What the hell
is she doing?
234
00:08:18,632 --> 00:08:20,532
Looks like
she joined the jtp.
235
00:08:20,534 --> 00:08:21,366
Jtp!
236
00:08:21,368 --> 00:08:22,834
All: Jtp!
237
00:08:22,836 --> 00:08:24,269
No. No way!
238
00:08:24,271 --> 00:08:29,140
You can't say "jtp"
unless you're in the jtp.
239
00:08:29,142 --> 00:08:30,675
Which is why she said it.
240
00:08:30,677 --> 00:08:32,511
And you're out, bro.
241
00:08:32,513 --> 00:08:33,211
We got a new leader...
242
00:08:33,213 --> 00:08:35,046
One who actually
gets us into
cool parties.
243
00:08:35,048 --> 00:08:37,215
Wait... You took them
to anthony balsamo's party?
244
00:08:37,217 --> 00:08:40,652
You were too busy
running your hands over
barry's lumpy melon.
245
00:08:40,654 --> 00:08:42,020
Nice burn, big e.
246
00:08:42,022 --> 00:08:43,355
You can't call her
"big e."
247
00:08:43,357 --> 00:08:46,057
That's way too close
to "big tasty."
248
00:08:46,059 --> 00:08:47,492
It'll cause
marketplace confusion!
249
00:08:47,494 --> 00:08:51,930
I'm sorry, bar, but it looks
like big e's in charge now.
250
00:08:51,998 --> 00:08:53,265
Jtp out.
251
00:08:53,267 --> 00:08:54,799
All: Jtp out!
252
00:08:54,801 --> 00:08:56,535
Jtp out.
253
00:08:56,903 --> 00:08:57,669
Aw, sweetie.
254
00:08:57,671 --> 00:09:00,839
You're not allowed
to say that anymore.
255
00:09:03,175 --> 00:09:05,343
Adult adam: I thought
raising a fake baby
with dana
256
00:09:05,345 --> 00:09:07,846
Would bring us together,
but it was only
pushing apart.
257
00:09:07,848 --> 00:09:11,483
Hey. You would not
believe the day I've had.
258
00:09:11,485 --> 00:09:12,918
Don't care.
Just take her.
259
00:09:12,920 --> 00:09:14,386
Whoa, whoa.
What's this?
260
00:09:14,388 --> 00:09:15,754
At least let me
walk through the door.
261
00:09:15,756 --> 00:09:17,889
I've been here dealing
with the baby all by myself.
262
00:09:17,891 --> 00:09:20,859
This assignment's
impossible.
Where were you?
263
00:09:20,861 --> 00:09:22,060
Out mowing lawns.
264
00:09:22,062 --> 00:09:23,995
You know...
My job.
265
00:09:23,997 --> 00:09:25,463
Nice try.
I called mrs. Bales.
266
00:09:25,465 --> 00:09:26,231
That ended two hours ago.
267
00:09:26,233 --> 00:09:29,768
I went to the arcade
to blow off steam
with some buddies.
268
00:09:29,770 --> 00:09:31,736
And why are you
even checking up on me?
269
00:09:31,738 --> 00:09:33,271
I played one game and left.
270
00:09:33,273 --> 00:09:34,005
One game? Please.
271
00:09:34,007 --> 00:09:35,540
I smell pizza
on your breath.
272
00:09:35,542 --> 00:09:38,810
It's not my fault.
I didn't even
ask for this kid!
273
00:09:38,812 --> 00:09:40,145
(gasps)
274
00:09:40,147 --> 00:09:41,246
Okay.
275
00:09:41,248 --> 00:09:42,714
This is super-weird.
276
00:09:42,716 --> 00:09:45,517
Maybe we should
just take a break
from all of this.
277
00:09:45,519 --> 00:09:47,819
And go to a movie
or something.
278
00:09:47,821 --> 00:09:49,321
Just us... No baby.
279
00:09:49,323 --> 00:09:50,121
We can get a sitter.
280
00:09:50,123 --> 00:09:51,756
Adult adam:
And so we did
get a sitter...
281
00:09:51,758 --> 00:09:53,892
A man who had been
sitting on his ass
282
00:09:53,894 --> 00:09:55,427
For as long
as I could remember.
283
00:09:55,429 --> 00:09:57,429
Unfortunately,
my mom wasn't one
284
00:09:57,431 --> 00:10:00,165
To sit on the sidelines
of any situation.
285
00:10:00,967 --> 00:10:03,268
What's that?
What's what?
286
00:10:03,270 --> 00:10:05,036
The little foot
sticking out.
287
00:10:05,038 --> 00:10:06,037
Just adam's baby.
288
00:10:06,039 --> 00:10:08,139
I'm using it
for lumbar support.
289
00:10:08,141 --> 00:10:12,577
Did they entrust the baby
to you over me?
290
00:10:14,614 --> 00:10:16,314
Over me?
291
00:10:17,316 --> 00:10:18,750
Ow!
292
00:10:20,519 --> 00:10:20,919
Ow!
293
00:10:20,921 --> 00:10:23,254
You do know
none of this
is real?
294
00:10:23,256 --> 00:10:25,490
Oh, it's real.
Don't you get it?
295
00:10:25,492 --> 00:10:27,792
This is how adam
is gonna treat me
296
00:10:27,794 --> 00:10:28,860
When I really am a bubbie.
297
00:10:28,862 --> 00:10:32,864
I'm gonna prove to him
that I'm the best
grandma ever.
298
00:10:32,866 --> 00:10:35,300
Adult adam: "grandma,"
"gam-gam," "bubbie"...
299
00:10:35,302 --> 00:10:36,668
Didn't matter
what she went by.
300
00:10:36,670 --> 00:10:38,803
My mom was determined
to be the best.
301
00:10:38,805 --> 00:10:40,772
She changed the toy.
She fed it.
302
00:10:40,774 --> 00:10:42,841
She even took it
to the park.
303
00:10:42,843 --> 00:10:45,110
Ohh!
Your baby's so cute.
304
00:10:45,112 --> 00:10:47,045
Aww.
And yours is...
305
00:10:47,213 --> 00:10:49,514
Oh, boy.
Thank you.
306
00:10:52,051 --> 00:10:52,884
Yep.
307
00:10:52,886 --> 00:10:54,019
My mom was on her way
308
00:10:54,021 --> 00:10:56,421
To helping us get an "a"
on this assignment...
309
00:10:56,423 --> 00:10:59,624
Until a dog mistook
the baby for a chew toy.
310
00:11:02,695 --> 00:11:04,029
My baby.
311
00:11:04,031 --> 00:11:05,730
Somebody stole my baby!
312
00:11:05,732 --> 00:11:08,333
Well, not real baby...
Fake baby. It's a toy.
313
00:11:08,335 --> 00:11:09,034
Somebody stole my toy!
314
00:11:09,036 --> 00:11:13,171
I'm gonna get attitude
from my son's
pretend wife!
315
00:11:13,173 --> 00:11:16,241
Can someone
call the police?
316
00:11:16,243 --> 00:11:17,375
Or toys "r" us?
317
00:11:17,377 --> 00:11:18,276
I don't (bleep) know anymore!
318
00:11:18,278 --> 00:11:20,912
Adult adam: As my mom
was realizing
she had to figure out
319
00:11:20,914 --> 00:11:22,714
How to replace
our little angel,
320
00:11:22,716 --> 00:11:27,185
Barry was learning
just how replaceable
he was.
321
00:11:27,187 --> 00:11:28,620
No way.
322
00:11:29,555 --> 00:11:30,455
"brian's song"?
323
00:11:30,457 --> 00:11:32,691
That's our
secret guy-cry movie!
324
00:11:32,693 --> 00:11:35,126
Beat it, bar.
This is just jtp.
325
00:11:35,128 --> 00:11:36,394
All: Jtp.
326
00:11:36,396 --> 00:11:38,096
Get over here.
Get over here.
327
00:11:38,098 --> 00:11:41,466
You can't just use my friends
as pawns in your sick game.
328
00:11:41,468 --> 00:11:45,036
You can have
your precious jtp
back anytime you want.
329
00:11:45,038 --> 00:11:47,539
Just stop hanging out
with lainey.
330
00:11:47,541 --> 00:11:48,506
Your move.
331
00:11:48,508 --> 00:11:50,775
Adult adam:
But, unfortunately
for erica,
332
00:11:50,777 --> 00:11:53,044
The next move
was not barry's.
333
00:11:53,046 --> 00:11:54,079
Gah!
What are you...
334
00:11:54,081 --> 00:11:55,013
I came for a root beer, too.
335
00:11:55,015 --> 00:11:57,148
It's crazy
how we had
the same idea.
336
00:11:57,150 --> 00:12:00,785
It's like...
It's like fate, right?
337
00:12:01,387 --> 00:12:02,687
Here, let me...
338
00:12:02,689 --> 00:12:08,126
¶ till now,
I always got by on my own
339
00:12:08,594 --> 00:12:13,498
¶ I never really cared
until I met you ¶
340
00:12:13,833 --> 00:12:14,999
What?
341
00:12:15,001 --> 00:12:15,867
(music stops)
342
00:12:15,869 --> 00:12:17,635
We should probably
get back to the movie.
343
00:12:17,637 --> 00:12:19,771
Everyone's probably
wondering where we are.
344
00:12:19,773 --> 00:12:22,207
We've been gone
three minutes.
345
00:12:22,209 --> 00:12:24,142
It feels like forever.
346
00:12:28,781 --> 00:12:29,280
(sighs)
347
00:12:29,282 --> 00:12:33,918
Such a beautiful movie
about friendship
and football and...
348
00:12:34,253 --> 00:12:35,520
I'll get you a...
349
00:12:35,522 --> 00:12:39,491
¶ till now,
I always got by... ¶
350
00:12:39,493 --> 00:12:41,025
Wow.
351
00:12:41,193 --> 00:12:43,027
We both went for the...
352
00:12:43,029 --> 00:12:44,863
What are the odds?
353
00:12:44,865 --> 00:12:46,531
It's crazy, right?
354
00:12:46,599 --> 00:12:48,066
What's happening?
355
00:12:48,068 --> 00:12:48,767
You tell me.
356
00:12:48,769 --> 00:12:50,068
¶ ...Chills me to the bone ¶
357
00:12:50,070 --> 00:12:53,238
(music stops)
I'm just gonna go
sit over here.
358
00:12:53,240 --> 00:12:55,073
¶ till now
359
00:12:55,075 --> 00:12:57,776
¶ I always got by
I'm sorry.
Are... Are you okay?
360
00:12:57,778 --> 00:12:59,410
¶ on my own
361
00:12:59,412 --> 00:13:00,745
¶ I never really cared
362
00:13:00,747 --> 00:13:03,648
For the first time
in a long time, I think
I'm gonna be just fine.
363
00:13:03,650 --> 00:13:05,550
¶ until I met you
364
00:13:05,552 --> 00:13:07,552
¶ and now
it chills me to the... ¶
365
00:13:07,554 --> 00:13:10,922
(music stops)
um, guys,
take a seat for me.
366
00:13:11,056 --> 00:13:11,623
(sighs)
367
00:13:11,625 --> 00:13:14,926
To be clear,
we're all just
friends here, right?
368
00:13:14,928 --> 00:13:16,861
Just friends.
Amigos.
369
00:13:16,863 --> 00:13:18,062
I love you.
370
00:13:18,064 --> 00:13:20,031
Okay, I'm just gonna
leave my own house now.
371
00:13:20,033 --> 00:13:21,199
Adult adam: Across town,
my mom was desperate
372
00:13:21,201 --> 00:13:24,602
To save my grade
and her reputation
as a bubbie,
373
00:13:24,604 --> 00:13:26,404
But cabbage patch kids
were in such high demand
374
00:13:26,406 --> 00:13:30,542
That her only chance was
to turn to the black market.
375
00:13:30,544 --> 00:13:31,943
Hey.
376
00:13:32,478 --> 00:13:33,378
You rick?
377
00:13:33,380 --> 00:13:35,346
Shh! No names, all right?
378
00:13:35,348 --> 00:13:37,615
Just be cool.
What do you need?
379
00:13:37,617 --> 00:13:39,551
I got glo worm,
I got voltron,
380
00:13:39,553 --> 00:13:40,919
I got koosa,
I got my little pony.
381
00:13:40,921 --> 00:13:45,323
Oh. I also have
the strongest heroine
in the world.
382
00:13:45,325 --> 00:13:46,057
What?
383
00:13:46,059 --> 00:13:48,059
She-ra,
princess of power.
384
00:13:48,061 --> 00:13:50,428
There's no stronger
heroine out there.
385
00:13:50,430 --> 00:13:51,162
I need a cabbage patch kid.
386
00:13:51,164 --> 00:13:52,831
Female,
red yarny hair,
blue eyes.
387
00:13:52,833 --> 00:13:56,134
You got
expensive taste, girl.
(chuckles)
388
00:13:56,136 --> 00:13:59,103
Cpks are sold out
across the country.
389
00:13:59,105 --> 00:14:00,171
It's gonna cost ya.
390
00:14:00,173 --> 00:14:03,808
(gasps) yes.
That's what bubbie needs.
391
00:14:03,810 --> 00:14:05,343
How much for that one?
392
00:14:05,345 --> 00:14:06,711
For a pretty lady
like you,
393
00:14:06,713 --> 00:14:10,515
I suppose I could
let one go for 3 large.
394
00:14:10,616 --> 00:14:13,151
$3,000?
395
00:14:13,153 --> 00:14:15,854
Is that...
What "large" is?
396
00:14:15,856 --> 00:14:17,155
I meant $300.
397
00:14:17,157 --> 00:14:18,423
Well,
that's still ridiculous.
398
00:14:18,425 --> 00:14:20,225
Adult adam: As my mom
was trying to negotiate
399
00:14:20,227 --> 00:14:22,660
The best possible price,
we were about
to pay the price
400
00:14:22,662 --> 00:14:25,029
For not getting
a real babysitter.
401
00:14:25,031 --> 00:14:27,565
Hey, dad,
how'd it go?
402
00:14:27,567 --> 00:14:29,567
Really, really bad.
403
00:14:30,069 --> 00:14:33,071
Mom...
Shhh! Baby's sleeping.
404
00:14:33,073 --> 00:14:35,640
Just kidding. Her eyes
are wide open all the time.
405
00:14:35,642 --> 00:14:37,709
But don't worry.
We had a great day.
406
00:14:37,711 --> 00:14:39,510
And I did everything
the spinner said.
407
00:14:39,512 --> 00:14:41,946
I'd say I proved
I'm an excellent bubbie.
408
00:14:41,948 --> 00:14:44,983
Dana: Excellent how?
Adam, look at it.
409
00:14:44,985 --> 00:14:46,784
Oh! Balls!
410
00:14:46,786 --> 00:14:48,186
This is a fake.
What did you do, mom?
411
00:14:48,188 --> 00:14:51,890
Okay, there are some
ugly accusations flying about,
412
00:14:51,892 --> 00:14:52,991
And if that's not myrna,
413
00:14:52,993 --> 00:14:55,660
Then I have failed
as a grandmother.
414
00:14:56,328 --> 00:14:58,329
Read the label.
415
00:14:58,331 --> 00:15:00,598
"lettuce crop child."
416
00:15:00,600 --> 00:15:03,001
(chuckles)
that is unfortunate.
417
00:15:03,003 --> 00:15:03,568
You know what?
418
00:15:03,570 --> 00:15:06,838
You two should
just finish this
project together.
419
00:15:07,006 --> 00:15:07,405
(scoffs)
420
00:15:07,407 --> 00:15:10,475
Wait! Don't go!
I can't be a single dad!
421
00:15:10,477 --> 00:15:12,210
Oh, you'll never be single
422
00:15:12,212 --> 00:15:14,445
As long as you have me,
schmoopie.
423
00:15:17,082 --> 00:15:18,316
(heart's alone plays)
424
00:15:18,318 --> 00:15:21,953
¶ till now,
I always got by on my own ¶
425
00:15:22,721 --> 00:15:24,989
Geoff,
what are you doing?
426
00:15:24,991 --> 00:15:26,591
It's from
"say anything..."
427
00:15:26,593 --> 00:15:27,558
That's how your
dorky little brother
428
00:15:27,560 --> 00:15:29,427
Got a hot girl
way out of his league.
429
00:15:29,429 --> 00:15:31,462
That's not even
the right song!
430
00:15:31,464 --> 00:15:32,997
To be honest,
I never saw the movie.
431
00:15:32,999 --> 00:15:34,832
Stop say anything -ing me
and go home.
432
00:15:34,834 --> 00:15:39,837
(alone plays on boom box)
erica goldberg,
leader of the jtp,
433
00:15:39,839 --> 00:15:41,005
I proclaim my love...
434
00:15:41,007 --> 00:15:41,973
What the hell, geoff?
435
00:15:41,975 --> 00:15:43,875
Get lost, pal!
I called her first!
436
00:15:43,877 --> 00:15:47,278
Uh, no.
No one called me.
I'm not callable.
437
00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:48,346
(tejano music plays)
erica goldberg!
438
00:15:48,348 --> 00:15:52,050
Listen to this sweet song
and know my heart is...
439
00:15:52,052 --> 00:15:53,318
Dude,
you took my boombox?
440
00:15:53,320 --> 00:15:55,253
Relax. I just needed it
for tonight.
441
00:15:55,255 --> 00:15:56,254
Yeah, well, so did I!
442
00:15:56,256 --> 00:15:58,222
I had to borrow
my uncle's cheap-ass radio,
443
00:15:58,224 --> 00:15:59,390
And it's stuck
on tejano music.
444
00:15:59,392 --> 00:16:01,893
Okay, both of you shut up,
because she's mine!
445
00:16:01,895 --> 00:16:02,760
Stop it!
446
00:16:02,762 --> 00:16:04,629
That's not true!
She's mine!
447
00:16:04,631 --> 00:16:05,763
That's not true!
448
00:16:05,765 --> 00:16:06,831
No! Stop it!
449
00:16:06,833 --> 00:16:08,466
None of you will win me!
450
00:16:08,468 --> 00:16:08,967
You have to...
451
00:16:08,969 --> 00:16:11,235
Oh, my god! Naked rob
is naked under that coat!
452
00:16:11,237 --> 00:16:15,106
I wanted you to be
the first girl to
see me naked!
453
00:16:15,108 --> 00:16:16,607
(blinds close)
454
00:16:16,609 --> 00:16:17,275
Barry: Well, well.
455
00:16:17,277 --> 00:16:19,711
Looks like the worm
is on the other foot.
456
00:16:19,713 --> 00:16:21,346
Help me!
Please make it stop!
457
00:16:21,348 --> 00:16:25,516
Messing with those
poor goobers to break
us up is so not cool.
458
00:16:25,518 --> 00:16:27,251
What was I
supposed to do?
459
00:16:27,253 --> 00:16:29,887
I get it.
You two make
each other happy.
460
00:16:29,889 --> 00:16:31,089
But I didn't know
that meant
461
00:16:31,091 --> 00:16:33,891
I'd lose you
and be left all alone.
462
00:16:34,893 --> 00:16:36,427
(sighs)
463
00:16:40,532 --> 00:16:41,933
Miss taraborelli: Seriously?
464
00:16:41,935 --> 00:16:44,802
Does this look like
a cabbage patch kid
to you?
465
00:16:44,804 --> 00:16:47,705
Okay, this is
a cabbage patch kid.
466
00:16:47,707 --> 00:16:51,476
Aww. This looks like
something in a horror movie
467
00:16:51,478 --> 00:16:53,144
Where the doll
comes alive and
468
00:16:53,146 --> 00:16:55,113
Terrorizes a lakeside town.
469
00:16:55,115 --> 00:16:56,848
Look, it's not
dana's fault.
470
00:16:56,850 --> 00:16:59,550
Please don't fail her.
Fail me.
471
00:16:59,552 --> 00:17:00,885
No, it's my fault.
472
00:17:00,887 --> 00:17:02,920
If you're gonna
fail anyone, fail me.
473
00:17:02,922 --> 00:17:06,557
I can't...Fail you,
mrs. Goldberg.
You're an adult.
474
00:17:06,559 --> 00:17:08,059
Also, why are you here?
475
00:17:08,061 --> 00:17:09,494
Yeah, adam.
Why is she here?
476
00:17:09,496 --> 00:17:11,963
I'm just trying to help,
like any good bubbie would.
477
00:17:11,965 --> 00:17:13,798
(softly) a good bubbie
doesn't lose her grandchild.
478
00:17:13,800 --> 00:17:16,634
I heard that.
Bubbies hear everything.
479
00:17:16,636 --> 00:17:18,269
Enough! Gah!
480
00:17:18,271 --> 00:17:19,737
Mom, I know you
mean well,
481
00:17:19,739 --> 00:17:23,274
But all you've done is
screw things up
for me and dana.
482
00:17:23,276 --> 00:17:25,843
Look, I don't know
when I'll have a family,
483
00:17:25,845 --> 00:17:27,912
And I don't know
who it'll be with.
484
00:17:27,914 --> 00:17:29,414
I... I... It could be dana.
485
00:17:29,416 --> 00:17:30,248
It could be molly ringwald.
486
00:17:30,250 --> 00:17:33,718
All I know is
that when I do
get married,
487
00:17:33,720 --> 00:17:36,854
You're gonna need
to butt out.
488
00:17:36,856 --> 00:17:38,556
Okay, but I...
No "buts"...
489
00:17:38,558 --> 00:17:41,559
Except for yours
butting out.
490
00:17:45,064 --> 00:17:45,797
Thanks for coming.
491
00:17:45,799 --> 00:17:47,665
I'm sure you're
all wondering
why I brought you here.
492
00:17:47,667 --> 00:17:51,302
You're gonna choose
which one of us you'll
take as your lover.
493
00:17:51,304 --> 00:17:51,903
Ew! God, no!
494
00:17:51,905 --> 00:17:54,272
I'm doing
the complete
opposite of that.
495
00:17:54,274 --> 00:17:56,774
I'm resigning
as leader of the jtp.
496
00:17:56,776 --> 00:17:57,408
All: Jtp!
497
00:17:57,410 --> 00:17:59,210
Did you even hear
what I said?
498
00:17:59,212 --> 00:18:01,379
I'm out! No more jtp!
499
00:18:01,381 --> 00:18:02,280
All: Jtp!
500
00:18:02,282 --> 00:18:04,449
God!
Allow me.
501
00:18:04,451 --> 00:18:05,883
Here's the deal,
fellas.
502
00:18:05,885 --> 00:18:07,518
You're all
so insanely
awesome
503
00:18:07,520 --> 00:18:10,621
That erica loves you all
equally, okay?
504
00:18:10,623 --> 00:18:13,458
For her
to choose one of
you would literally
505
00:18:13,460 --> 00:18:14,826
Break her brain in half,
506
00:18:14,828 --> 00:18:17,462
Sending her into
a coma forever.
507
00:18:17,464 --> 00:18:18,863
Oh. That makes sense.
508
00:18:18,865 --> 00:18:19,497
Mmm-hmm.
Yeah.
509
00:18:19,499 --> 00:18:21,833
Her only real option
is to step down
510
00:18:21,835 --> 00:18:26,404
So I can resume my role
as leader and god of the jtp.
511
00:18:26,406 --> 00:18:28,539
Jtp, jtp.
512
00:18:28,541 --> 00:18:29,974
Here.
513
00:18:29,976 --> 00:18:30,808
Your heart tickets?
Seriously?
514
00:18:30,810 --> 00:18:34,112
Think I'm gonna
hang with my boys
that night.
515
00:18:34,546 --> 00:18:37,315
I suggest you
hang with your girl.
516
00:18:38,050 --> 00:18:39,784
Want to?
Yes!
517
00:18:39,786 --> 00:18:40,284
(chuckles)
518
00:18:40,286 --> 00:18:43,387
¶ but the secret
is still my own ¶
519
00:18:43,389 --> 00:18:45,356
Adult adam: It was one
of those major life lessons
520
00:18:45,358 --> 00:18:47,925
Barry and erica
had to learn the hard way.
521
00:18:47,927 --> 00:18:50,628
Sometimes, you'll find
that special someone
522
00:18:50,630 --> 00:18:51,629
Who changes everything.
523
00:18:51,631 --> 00:18:54,832
But having
your best friends
there to cheer you on
524
00:18:54,834 --> 00:18:57,502
Is what the game
is all about.
525
00:18:57,504 --> 00:18:59,003
¶ till now
526
00:18:59,005 --> 00:19:01,305
¶ I always got by on my own ¶
527
00:19:01,307 --> 00:19:02,940
All: Ohh!
528
00:19:02,942 --> 00:19:03,674
(indistinct talking)
529
00:19:03,676 --> 00:19:05,943
Miss taraborelli:
Mr. Goldberg,
a moment please.
530
00:19:05,945 --> 00:19:08,312
I've changed my mind
on your grade.
531
00:19:08,314 --> 00:19:08,913
Really?
532
00:19:08,915 --> 00:19:10,047
You know,
the point of the project
533
00:19:10,049 --> 00:19:11,749
Was to learn what
it's like to be
a real parent.
534
00:19:11,751 --> 00:19:13,518
Changing diapers...
Oh, that's easy.
535
00:19:13,520 --> 00:19:16,854
Protecting your lady
from her nightmare
in-laws?
536
00:19:16,856 --> 00:19:18,589
Whew. That's an "a."
537
00:19:18,591 --> 00:19:21,559
¶ how do I get you alone? ¶
538
00:19:24,029 --> 00:19:25,663
Dana.
539
00:19:27,065 --> 00:19:28,633
What's all this?
540
00:19:28,635 --> 00:19:31,502
A thank you
for standing up for me...
541
00:19:31,504 --> 00:19:34,272
And an apology
for how weird things got.
542
00:19:34,274 --> 00:19:35,740
It got quite weird.
543
00:19:35,742 --> 00:19:37,241
But I give you my word...
544
00:19:37,243 --> 00:19:38,109
From now on,
I'm gonna make sure
545
00:19:38,111 --> 00:19:41,379
My mom stays as
far away from us
as possible.
546
00:19:41,381 --> 00:19:43,948
Actually, your mom's
not so bad.
547
00:19:43,950 --> 00:19:46,284
She's the one
who invited me over
548
00:19:46,286 --> 00:19:48,486
And helped me
with all this.
549
00:19:48,488 --> 00:19:49,187
Adult adam: In the end,
550
00:19:49,189 --> 00:19:51,122
My mom stopped worrying
about being the best bubbie
551
00:19:51,124 --> 00:19:54,692
And just focused on being
my awesome mom.
552
00:19:56,228 --> 00:19:57,461
(sighs)
553
00:19:57,463 --> 00:19:59,163
Oh, god, mur.
554
00:19:59,165 --> 00:20:00,731
Butting out is so hard.
555
00:20:00,733 --> 00:20:03,301
Yeah, but look at him.
He's having so much fun.
556
00:20:03,303 --> 00:20:05,069
Doesn't that
make you happy?
557
00:20:05,071 --> 00:20:07,205
¶ I never really cared
until I met you
558
00:20:07,207 --> 00:20:09,440
Damn it, it does.
(chuckles)
559
00:20:09,442 --> 00:20:10,942
That's good for me.
560
00:20:10,944 --> 00:20:13,311
Happy wife, happy life.
561
00:20:13,313 --> 00:20:16,981
¶ how do I get you alone? ¶
562
00:20:17,649 --> 00:20:20,851
Adult adam:
That's the thing about
being a parent...
563
00:20:21,486 --> 00:20:22,119
It's tough,
564
00:20:22,121 --> 00:20:25,256
And it doesn't come with
a spinner and instructions.
565
00:20:25,258 --> 00:20:26,958
You learn as you go.
566
00:20:26,960 --> 00:20:30,161
But seeing the smile
on my face that night
567
00:20:30,163 --> 00:20:32,263
Gave my mom a new saying...
568
00:20:32,265 --> 00:20:35,566
"happy kids, happy life."
569
00:20:35,568 --> 00:20:38,135
(alone fades)
570
00:20:42,074 --> 00:20:44,542
Ahh. Back for more?
571
00:20:44,544 --> 00:20:47,111
I came to return
this shoddy knock-off.
572
00:20:47,113 --> 00:20:49,547
You bought a bootleg toy
out of a trunk.
573
00:20:49,549 --> 00:20:51,249
All sales are final.
574
00:20:51,251 --> 00:20:53,451
Well, at least
let me trade it
for this.
575
00:20:53,453 --> 00:20:59,390
¶ till now,
I always got
by on my own
576
00:20:59,825 --> 00:21:02,893
¶ I never really cared
until I met you ¶
577
00:21:02,895 --> 00:21:06,631
Wow, it's crazy
how two people
can reach into a trunk
578
00:21:06,633 --> 00:21:10,301
And their fingers
just...Kind of meet,
you know?
579
00:21:10,303 --> 00:21:12,436
(music stops)
I'm gonna take
this as a lesson
580
00:21:12,438 --> 00:21:15,506
Never to buy toys
from a man's trunk
581
00:21:15,508 --> 00:21:16,874
Behind a warehouse.
582
00:21:16,876 --> 00:21:17,308
(thud)
583
00:21:17,310 --> 00:21:21,412
I also sell a lifetime
of devotion and
tenderness.
584
00:21:26,118 --> 00:21:27,551
(dinging)