1 00:00:00,066 --> 00:00:02,267 Adult adam: Back in the '80s, being a man's man was simple. 2 00:00:02,269 --> 00:00:04,770 All you needed was muscles or a mustache. 3 00:00:04,772 --> 00:00:08,307 Unfortunately, I was miles from dolph lundgren 4 00:00:08,309 --> 00:00:10,075 And no chuck norris...Yet. 5 00:00:10,077 --> 00:00:12,311 Get scared, boys. Goldberg's coming for you. 6 00:00:12,313 --> 00:00:15,748 Adult adam: I was what you'd call a late bloomer, 7 00:00:15,750 --> 00:00:17,182 Like the latest...Ever. 8 00:00:17,184 --> 00:00:19,985 What's up, goldnerd? How was your winter break? 9 00:00:19,987 --> 00:00:22,254 J.C. Spink? What the... 10 00:00:22,256 --> 00:00:23,222 What happened to you? 11 00:00:23,224 --> 00:00:26,492 Grew a ton, I stink, got acne all over my back. 12 00:00:26,494 --> 00:00:27,059 It's awesome. 13 00:00:27,061 --> 00:00:29,828 But worst of all, the girls were growing even faster, 14 00:00:29,830 --> 00:00:33,265 Especially my girlfriend, dana caldwell. 15 00:00:33,267 --> 00:00:35,801 Anthony: Yo, girls. 16 00:00:35,803 --> 00:00:36,935 Mainly you. 17 00:00:36,937 --> 00:00:37,669 Um, hi. 18 00:00:37,671 --> 00:00:38,604 There's a party at the water tower. 19 00:00:38,606 --> 00:00:40,406 Usually there's no freshman allowed, 20 00:00:40,408 --> 00:00:41,974 But for you, I'll make an exception. 21 00:00:41,976 --> 00:00:43,108 Actually, I'm not a freshmen. 22 00:00:43,110 --> 00:00:45,544 Adam f. Goldberg. Pleasure. 23 00:00:45,546 --> 00:00:47,146 Uh, what's this about a party? 24 00:00:47,148 --> 00:00:49,081 Uh, I'll see you there, dana. 25 00:00:49,083 --> 00:00:51,083 And, uh, don't bring your little brother. 26 00:00:51,085 --> 00:00:54,653 I'm actually four months and 16 days older than her, 27 00:00:54,655 --> 00:00:55,421 And we're together. 28 00:00:55,423 --> 00:00:57,723 Weird. Anthony balsamo knows my name. 29 00:00:57,725 --> 00:01:00,426 And he's such a mensch to invite both of us. 30 00:01:00,428 --> 00:01:01,393 Wait... You want to go to that? 31 00:01:01,395 --> 00:01:03,328 It's just gonna be a bunch of rowdy high-school guys 32 00:01:03,330 --> 00:01:05,130 Spray-painting dirty words on the water tower. 33 00:01:05,132 --> 00:01:07,800 Big, bad adam ain't afraid of no water tower. 34 00:01:07,802 --> 00:01:08,467 Or ghosts, fyi. 35 00:01:08,469 --> 00:01:11,937 Adult adam: I desperately wanted my girlfriend, dana, 36 00:01:11,939 --> 00:01:12,971 To see me as a man. 37 00:01:12,973 --> 00:01:15,140 Are you standing on your tiptoes? 38 00:01:15,142 --> 00:01:15,674 Don't think so. 39 00:01:15,676 --> 00:01:18,243 Adult adam: And if it wasn't gonna happen on its own, 40 00:01:18,245 --> 00:01:20,579 I would kick-start the process myself. 41 00:01:20,581 --> 00:01:21,914 What the hell are you doing? 42 00:01:21,916 --> 00:01:23,882 I'm stimulating the follicles. 43 00:01:23,884 --> 00:01:24,950 I read it in gq. 44 00:01:24,952 --> 00:01:27,519 It's a magazine for stylish men of means. 45 00:01:27,521 --> 00:01:28,387 Okay, everybody out. 46 00:01:28,389 --> 00:01:30,289 I need to use the... Oh, my god. 47 00:01:30,291 --> 00:01:31,657 Are you using my lady bic? 48 00:01:31,659 --> 00:01:33,892 I'm stimulating the follicles! 49 00:01:33,894 --> 00:01:34,660 Ha, you suck! 50 00:01:34,662 --> 00:01:37,429 Barry, get the camera! Adam's being adam! 51 00:01:37,431 --> 00:01:39,131 What's with all the yelling? 52 00:01:39,133 --> 00:01:39,798 Oh, my joy! 53 00:01:39,800 --> 00:01:41,767 Is my baby trying to shave? 54 00:01:41,769 --> 00:01:44,069 (gasps) I'm stimulating the follicles. 55 00:01:44,071 --> 00:01:45,971 Oh! I got the polaroid! 56 00:01:45,973 --> 00:01:48,807 Say peach fuzz! 57 00:01:48,809 --> 00:01:49,908 ¶ I'm twisted up inside 58 00:01:49,910 --> 00:01:54,480 ¶ but nonetheless I feel the need to say 59 00:01:55,815 --> 00:01:56,949 ¶ I don't know the future 60 00:01:56,951 --> 00:02:00,786 ¶ but the past keeps getting clearer every day ¶ 61 00:02:00,788 --> 00:02:03,422 Adult adam: It was January 7th, 1980-something, 62 00:02:03,424 --> 00:02:07,559 And my brother, barry, had his first real-live girlfriend, 63 00:02:07,561 --> 00:02:08,293 Lainey lewis. 64 00:02:08,295 --> 00:02:11,396 You went through my backpack and ate my pudding? 65 00:02:11,398 --> 00:02:11,964 Who does that? 66 00:02:11,966 --> 00:02:14,733 Aw, so cute when my boyfriend flies into a rage over pudding. 67 00:02:14,735 --> 00:02:16,368 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold up. 68 00:02:16,370 --> 00:02:18,370 You just said "boyfriend" out loud, 69 00:02:18,372 --> 00:02:20,772 In front of other teenage human people. 70 00:02:20,774 --> 00:02:22,241 Dude, it's not a big deal. 71 00:02:22,243 --> 00:02:23,809 It's just... 72 00:02:23,811 --> 00:02:26,011 I've never been this happy. 73 00:02:26,013 --> 00:02:26,645 Aw. 74 00:02:26,647 --> 00:02:27,980 Don't celebrate just yet. 75 00:02:27,982 --> 00:02:29,815 My dad has to meet your dad first. 76 00:02:29,817 --> 00:02:30,983 It's like his only rule. 77 00:02:30,985 --> 00:02:33,218 He needs to know you come from good stock. 78 00:02:33,220 --> 00:02:33,752 I don't. 79 00:02:33,754 --> 00:02:36,221 You've seen my stock. It's like terrible stock. 80 00:02:36,223 --> 00:02:36,989 I have a plan. 81 00:02:36,991 --> 00:02:38,557 We'll have you guys come to a football game, 82 00:02:38,559 --> 00:02:40,058 So they'll be distracted and drinking a lot. 83 00:02:40,060 --> 00:02:41,927 That's genius! Think you can get him to come over? 84 00:02:41,929 --> 00:02:45,597 Hey, big tasty knows how to handle murray goldberg. 85 00:02:45,599 --> 00:02:49,334 There's a 100% chance my dad will be there. 86 00:02:49,336 --> 00:02:52,104 There's a zero percent chance I will be there. 87 00:02:52,106 --> 00:02:54,006 Please. It's just one little football game. 88 00:02:54,008 --> 00:02:56,808 Little? We're talking cowboys-eagles here! 89 00:02:56,810 --> 00:02:58,177 It's the biggest game of the year. 90 00:02:58,179 --> 00:03:00,979 It's the only thing I care about in the entire world. 91 00:03:00,981 --> 00:03:02,447 More than your child? Yes. 92 00:03:02,449 --> 00:03:04,950 You put me in a position where I had to say it, 93 00:03:04,952 --> 00:03:07,186 And now that I did, I feel free. 94 00:03:07,188 --> 00:03:10,022 If I hear you say no again, I'm hulking out. 95 00:03:10,024 --> 00:03:13,292 We're talking screaming and swearing. 96 00:03:13,294 --> 00:03:16,662 I'm gonna smash this decorative box! 97 00:03:16,664 --> 00:03:17,429 Do not hulk out! 98 00:03:17,431 --> 00:03:19,164 Do not smash that decorative box! 99 00:03:19,166 --> 00:03:22,034 Say goodbye to the decorative box! 100 00:03:22,036 --> 00:03:24,269 Your mom keeps her knickknacks in there. 101 00:03:24,271 --> 00:03:26,605 I'll destroy her knickknacks, too! 102 00:03:26,607 --> 00:03:28,473 Hulk doesn't respect knickknacks! 103 00:03:28,475 --> 00:03:31,109 Fine! I'll do your stupid thing! 104 00:03:31,111 --> 00:03:32,611 Where are we going again? 105 00:03:32,613 --> 00:03:34,146 Do you even listen when I talk? 106 00:03:34,148 --> 00:03:36,582 I get the gist of it, say no a lot. 107 00:03:36,584 --> 00:03:38,050 I make it work. 108 00:03:38,052 --> 00:03:39,651 I'm cool with that. 109 00:03:39,653 --> 00:03:42,087 Adult adam: While barry was hulking out for lainey, 110 00:03:42,089 --> 00:03:45,090 I was bulking up for dana. 111 00:03:45,092 --> 00:03:47,192 "buns of steel?" 112 00:03:48,228 --> 00:03:49,494 "just five minutes a day 113 00:03:49,496 --> 00:03:51,697 "for the working mom on the go." 114 00:03:51,699 --> 00:03:53,031 That can vaguely apply to me. 115 00:03:53,033 --> 00:03:55,667 Okay, what's going on with you? 116 00:03:55,669 --> 00:03:57,703 All the guys at school are turning into grown men, 117 00:03:57,705 --> 00:03:59,972 And I still have a little-boy body. 118 00:03:59,974 --> 00:04:01,039 Ah, puberty. 119 00:04:01,041 --> 00:04:04,243 I was an early bloomer myself. 120 00:04:04,245 --> 00:04:05,811 Those were the days. 121 00:04:05,813 --> 00:04:07,246 (sighs) that's not helpful, is it? 122 00:04:07,248 --> 00:04:11,250 No! My girlfriend's is about to be stolen by anthony balsamo. 123 00:04:11,252 --> 00:04:14,119 I don't know who this balsamic character is, 124 00:04:14,121 --> 00:04:16,822 But I'm sure you don't need to worry. 125 00:04:16,824 --> 00:04:18,323 No, he should worry. 126 00:04:18,325 --> 00:04:19,124 Panic even. 127 00:04:19,126 --> 00:04:21,059 I mean, anthony balsamo's a 10. 128 00:04:21,061 --> 00:04:21,927 Mom says I'm a 10. 129 00:04:21,929 --> 00:04:23,729 She also says barry can be a doctor. 130 00:04:23,731 --> 00:04:25,998 Oh, god, pops, help me! 131 00:04:26,000 --> 00:04:26,832 It's a lie, I'm not a 10. 132 00:04:26,834 --> 00:04:29,368 If anthony balsamo's got his eye on your girl, 133 00:04:29,370 --> 00:04:30,269 You got to think big. 134 00:04:30,271 --> 00:04:32,771 In this case, maybe a diamond or a car 135 00:04:32,773 --> 00:04:34,773 Or an exotic trip around the world. 136 00:04:34,775 --> 00:04:38,310 Adam, you can't buy a girlfriend. 137 00:04:38,711 --> 00:04:39,745 Unless she's out of your league. 138 00:04:39,747 --> 00:04:41,747 Then you've got to pull out all the stops. 139 00:04:41,749 --> 00:04:43,482 Okay, then, jewelry it is. 140 00:04:43,484 --> 00:04:46,318 I could give her my sweet green lantern ring. 141 00:04:46,320 --> 00:04:47,085 Or you keep looking. 142 00:04:47,087 --> 00:04:49,321 No, it's perfect. Just sleep on it. 143 00:04:49,323 --> 00:04:51,256 Why? It glows and everything. 144 00:04:51,258 --> 00:04:53,392 It's for nerds, okay? 145 00:04:53,394 --> 00:04:55,193 Nerds. 146 00:04:55,195 --> 00:04:56,461 I'm sorry, 147 00:04:56,463 --> 00:04:59,164 But you left me no choice. 148 00:04:59,166 --> 00:05:00,666 Adult adam: They were right. 149 00:05:00,668 --> 00:05:02,501 They only way to lock down dana 150 00:05:02,503 --> 00:05:03,502 Was with a big, sparkly ring. 151 00:05:03,504 --> 00:05:07,372 Lucky for me, my nana left me the perfect one. 152 00:05:07,374 --> 00:05:08,307 My mom said, one day, 153 00:05:08,309 --> 00:05:09,975 I'd give it to the woman of my dreams. 154 00:05:09,977 --> 00:05:14,012 Surely, she was thinking middle school, right? 155 00:05:14,014 --> 00:05:16,148 (gasps) 156 00:05:17,250 --> 00:05:18,450 You like? Adam, it's too much. 157 00:05:18,452 --> 00:05:22,421 Nothing's too much for my number one special lady friend. 158 00:05:22,423 --> 00:05:24,256 (laughs) it's beautiful. 159 00:05:24,258 --> 00:05:26,124 Be sure to wear it tonight to the water tower. 160 00:05:26,126 --> 00:05:27,859 You still want go to that party? 161 00:05:27,861 --> 00:05:29,328 That balsamo kid was nice enough to invite us. 162 00:05:29,330 --> 00:05:32,731 The least we could do is pop in and show your ring off. 163 00:05:32,733 --> 00:05:34,066 Adam frederick goldberg! 164 00:05:34,068 --> 00:05:36,268 Put it away. Oh, god. Hide your ring. 165 00:05:36,270 --> 00:05:37,536 Oh, god, she knows. 166 00:05:37,538 --> 00:05:38,770 How does she know? How do you know? 167 00:05:38,772 --> 00:05:41,039 I have an itemized inventory right here 168 00:05:41,041 --> 00:05:43,508 Of everything that goes in and out of our house. 169 00:05:43,510 --> 00:05:44,643 Now give me nana's ring. No. 170 00:05:44,645 --> 00:05:48,647 You said, one day, I could give it to the woman of my choosing, 171 00:05:48,649 --> 00:05:49,281 And I choose dana. 172 00:05:49,283 --> 00:05:52,718 By woman of your choosing, I meant of our choosing. 173 00:05:52,720 --> 00:05:54,186 I'm a man, I made this decision, 174 00:05:54,188 --> 00:05:56,788 And now there's nothing that you can do about it. 175 00:05:56,790 --> 00:05:58,523 Oh, yes, there is. 176 00:05:58,525 --> 00:05:59,758 Hi, mrs. Goldberg. 177 00:05:59,760 --> 00:06:00,892 Dana, lovely to see you. 178 00:06:00,894 --> 00:06:02,594 I'm gonna need that ring back. 179 00:06:02,596 --> 00:06:04,763 Mom, do not do this. 180 00:06:04,765 --> 00:06:05,864 Ring. Do not. 181 00:06:05,866 --> 00:06:06,998 Ring, ring, ring. Do not. 182 00:06:07,000 --> 00:06:10,168 Ring, ring. Who's there? It's me. I want my ring back. 183 00:06:10,170 --> 00:06:11,503 Okay, I'll take it off. 184 00:06:11,505 --> 00:06:12,337 (ring clatters) 185 00:06:12,339 --> 00:06:15,207 Just put it back on my finger before you lose it. 186 00:06:15,209 --> 00:06:17,542 (laughing) check it out. 187 00:06:17,544 --> 00:06:19,911 Goldnerd's proposing to his mom, 188 00:06:19,913 --> 00:06:20,746 And she said yes! 189 00:06:20,748 --> 00:06:23,648 That's not what happened! Oh, she said no. 190 00:06:23,650 --> 00:06:25,217 (all laughing) 191 00:06:25,219 --> 00:06:27,285 There. You're happy now? 192 00:06:27,287 --> 00:06:28,320 I do. 193 00:06:28,322 --> 00:06:30,122 I mean, I am. 194 00:06:33,926 --> 00:06:35,694 Hi, mr. Goldberg, thanks for coming. 195 00:06:35,696 --> 00:06:37,162 My dad's excited to meet you. 196 00:06:37,164 --> 00:06:38,230 Hi, barry. Hey, hey. 197 00:06:38,232 --> 00:06:39,831 Oh, hey, there he is. Hey, hey. 198 00:06:39,833 --> 00:06:40,999 Dad, you know barry, mr. Goldberg. 199 00:06:41,001 --> 00:06:43,802 Yep. Hey, bill lewis of bill lewis tile and flooring. 200 00:06:43,804 --> 00:06:46,304 Murray goldberg of this moron's father. 201 00:06:46,306 --> 00:06:48,840 (laughs) classic mur-man. 202 00:06:48,842 --> 00:06:49,875 He kids. 203 00:06:49,877 --> 00:06:51,042 Big game today. 204 00:06:51,044 --> 00:06:51,676 You guys are lucky 205 00:06:51,678 --> 00:06:54,312 'cause I just bought a brand-new big-screen tv to watch it on. 206 00:06:54,314 --> 00:06:55,680 What you got, 27? (whistles) 207 00:06:55,682 --> 00:06:56,915 32? (imitates cranking) 208 00:06:56,917 --> 00:07:00,685 34? 53 inches of pure magic, my friend. 209 00:07:00,687 --> 00:07:02,921 You are a dirty liar. 210 00:07:02,923 --> 00:07:04,122 Come here. (chuckles) 211 00:07:04,124 --> 00:07:06,425 Oh...My...God. It's real. 212 00:07:06,427 --> 00:07:09,027 (choir vocalizing) adult adam: Ah, the '80s projection tv. 213 00:07:09,029 --> 00:07:11,396 It was blurry and weighed more than a car, 214 00:07:11,398 --> 00:07:14,032 But it was the envy of every man. 215 00:07:14,034 --> 00:07:16,568 I know we just met... 216 00:07:16,570 --> 00:07:20,172 ...But I want to live with you, bill. I choose you. 217 00:07:20,174 --> 00:07:21,306 Wow. I think this may work. 218 00:07:21,308 --> 00:07:23,442 And it did, for about two more seconds. 219 00:07:23,444 --> 00:07:28,113 Murray, you can come over for any game you want. 220 00:07:28,748 --> 00:07:32,684 (vocalizing stops) everybody's welcome in cowboy country. 221 00:07:35,221 --> 00:07:37,389 Good god. What is this place? 222 00:07:37,391 --> 00:07:39,491 I think he said cowboy country. 223 00:07:39,493 --> 00:07:41,359 Isn't it great? 224 00:07:43,463 --> 00:07:45,597 How could you do this to me? 225 00:07:45,599 --> 00:07:46,264 They're cowboy fans. 226 00:07:46,266 --> 00:07:49,201 I can't watch the biggest game of the year 227 00:07:49,203 --> 00:07:50,101 In enemy territory! 228 00:07:50,103 --> 00:07:52,804 I'm sorry, okay? Lainey didn't tell me. 229 00:07:52,806 --> 00:07:54,473 Lainey: I did. Remember? 230 00:07:54,475 --> 00:07:56,908 I told you all about it in your room... 231 00:07:56,910 --> 00:07:57,609 When we were studying. 232 00:07:57,611 --> 00:08:02,414 You can't expect me to listen to what you're saying while we're... 233 00:08:02,416 --> 00:08:02,948 Studying. 234 00:08:02,950 --> 00:08:05,317 Morons! I know what "studying" means! 235 00:08:05,319 --> 00:08:07,719 Look, you can still root for the eagles, 236 00:08:07,721 --> 00:08:08,487 Just not out loud. 237 00:08:08,489 --> 00:08:12,023 Please. It's going so well. My dad actually likes you. 238 00:08:12,025 --> 00:08:12,991 He never likes anyone. 239 00:08:12,993 --> 00:08:15,227 Fine. I will stay for one quarter, 240 00:08:15,229 --> 00:08:18,763 But after that, I go home and watch with my chair. 241 00:08:18,765 --> 00:08:20,432 Who wants some barbecued eagle? 242 00:08:20,434 --> 00:08:23,201 (laughs) I'm just fooling. It's chicken. 243 00:08:23,203 --> 00:08:25,337 But that's what the eagles are, right? 244 00:08:25,339 --> 00:08:26,838 A bunch of chickens. 245 00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:28,306 (clucking) 246 00:08:28,308 --> 00:08:29,140 (laughs) 247 00:08:29,142 --> 00:08:30,575 Adult adam: As livid as my dad was, 248 00:08:30,577 --> 00:08:34,312 It didn't come close to the rage in my heart. 249 00:08:34,314 --> 00:08:35,647 Stop your stomping. 250 00:08:35,649 --> 00:08:37,382 I get it, your little feet are mad, 251 00:08:37,384 --> 00:08:38,283 But you are much too young 252 00:08:38,285 --> 00:08:41,019 To be giving little girls big, honking sparklers. 253 00:08:41,021 --> 00:08:42,754 Fine! I'll just get her a ring of my own! 254 00:08:42,756 --> 00:08:45,390 I'll mow every damn lawn in this town if I have to. 255 00:08:45,392 --> 00:08:48,159 What do I need to score a ring like that, huh? 256 00:08:48,161 --> 00:08:48,693 Ten, twelve g's? 257 00:08:48,695 --> 00:08:50,328 You know what? I thought we were gonna be able 258 00:08:50,330 --> 00:08:51,563 To discuss this like reasonable people, 259 00:08:51,565 --> 00:08:53,798 But clearly, your little body's all worked up. 260 00:08:53,800 --> 00:08:56,234 Stop calling my parts little! 261 00:08:56,236 --> 00:08:57,836 I'm a man! A big man! 262 00:08:57,838 --> 00:08:58,470 Uh-huh! 263 00:08:58,472 --> 00:09:00,138 Well, you're grounded, big man. 264 00:09:00,140 --> 00:09:02,574 That means no computer, no television, 265 00:09:02,576 --> 00:09:04,709 No phone, no dana. 266 00:09:05,711 --> 00:09:06,177 (sighs) 267 00:09:06,179 --> 00:09:09,147 Don't look at me like that. I know what you're thinking, 268 00:09:09,149 --> 00:09:12,717 But he crossed a line with that ring. 269 00:09:12,719 --> 00:09:13,418 And don't tell me 270 00:09:13,420 --> 00:09:15,954 I'm trying to keep him a baby forever 271 00:09:15,956 --> 00:09:16,488 Because I'm not, 272 00:09:16,490 --> 00:09:18,857 Although he is growing up at an alarming rate. 273 00:09:18,859 --> 00:09:22,260 And this isn't because I am devastated or jealous 274 00:09:22,262 --> 00:09:24,596 Or threatened that he's got a new woman in his life, 275 00:09:24,598 --> 00:09:27,098 Because she is not a woman, she is a girl 276 00:09:27,100 --> 00:09:29,467 And I am the woman. 277 00:09:29,469 --> 00:09:33,371 I'm his mother, of course, but he's mine... 278 00:09:33,373 --> 00:09:35,040 Ours, all of ours. 279 00:09:35,042 --> 00:09:36,641 Shut up! 280 00:09:38,377 --> 00:09:40,011 (whirring) 281 00:09:40,013 --> 00:09:42,047 Hey. You okay? No, I'm not okay! 282 00:09:42,049 --> 00:09:45,850 Dana's at the water tower right now with anthony balsamo. 283 00:09:45,852 --> 00:09:48,186 I can't let him swoop in on my gal. 284 00:09:48,188 --> 00:09:48,954 I got to fix this. 285 00:09:48,956 --> 00:09:51,623 Oh, good, you came up with another great way 286 00:09:51,625 --> 00:09:53,258 For a robot to solve your problems. 287 00:09:53,260 --> 00:09:55,126 I will let love and eight d batteries 288 00:09:55,128 --> 00:09:57,195 Carry my letter to dana at the water tower. 289 00:09:57,197 --> 00:10:00,131 There's nothing that can stand in omnibot's way. 290 00:10:00,133 --> 00:10:01,499 Nothing! 291 00:10:02,001 --> 00:10:03,068 Omnibot, no! 292 00:10:03,070 --> 00:10:05,937 You know grass is your kryptonite! 293 00:10:06,305 --> 00:10:07,205 Well, here's an idea. 294 00:10:07,207 --> 00:10:09,140 A real man would find dana himself. 295 00:10:09,142 --> 00:10:12,210 I can't. You heard mom, she would ground me forever. 296 00:10:12,212 --> 00:10:14,613 Well, maybe some things in life are just worth it. 297 00:10:14,615 --> 00:10:17,549 Adult adam: In that moment, I realized erica was right. 298 00:10:17,551 --> 00:10:20,452 It was time to stop letting a robot do a man's job. 299 00:10:20,454 --> 00:10:24,255 Run! Run and show her what a man you are! 300 00:10:24,257 --> 00:10:26,825 What a tiny, little man you are. 301 00:10:26,827 --> 00:10:28,326 And it's good! (crowd cheering) 302 00:10:28,328 --> 00:10:29,828 Three on the board! 303 00:10:29,830 --> 00:10:31,830 Three on the board. (bell rattles) 304 00:10:31,832 --> 00:10:34,566 Three on the board. Three on the board. 305 00:10:34,568 --> 00:10:35,266 Sweet lord, make him stop. 306 00:10:35,268 --> 00:10:39,537 You know, dick vermeil has no business coaching men's football. 307 00:10:39,539 --> 00:10:42,507 Maybe, at best, women's volleyball. 308 00:10:42,509 --> 00:10:43,208 Not the olympic kind. 309 00:10:43,210 --> 00:10:47,112 Like a casual, two-woman game on a beach, am I right, mur? 310 00:10:47,114 --> 00:10:48,847 Adult adam: After a quarter of agony, 311 00:10:48,849 --> 00:10:51,316 My dad was at his breaking point, 312 00:10:51,318 --> 00:10:53,351 And then this happened. 313 00:10:53,353 --> 00:10:55,186 Oh! Oh, yeah! Mike quick! 314 00:10:55,188 --> 00:10:57,822 Just beat the kicker! Just beat the kicker! 315 00:10:57,824 --> 00:11:00,191 Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! 316 00:11:00,193 --> 00:11:01,159 Touchdown! 317 00:11:01,161 --> 00:11:02,360 Oh, whoa, whoa! 318 00:11:02,362 --> 00:11:03,194 Oh, crap. 319 00:11:03,196 --> 00:11:04,496 We're done. Yeah. 320 00:11:04,498 --> 00:11:05,196 You're an eagles fan? 321 00:11:05,198 --> 00:11:09,601 This is, uh, philadelphia, and I root for two teams... 322 00:11:09,835 --> 00:11:10,268 The eagles 323 00:11:10,270 --> 00:11:12,037 And whoever's playing the cowboys. 324 00:11:12,039 --> 00:11:15,740 But at least we all can agree the giants suck. 325 00:11:15,742 --> 00:11:16,207 Am I right? 326 00:11:16,209 --> 00:11:19,177 In my house, we root for one team and one team only. 327 00:11:19,179 --> 00:11:20,378 That's america's team. 328 00:11:20,380 --> 00:11:21,846 If anyone's america's team, it's philly... 329 00:11:21,848 --> 00:11:25,483 Home of the liberty bell, ben franklin, and rocky . 330 00:11:25,485 --> 00:11:27,385 Your city's so bad you could only come up 331 00:11:27,387 --> 00:11:29,521 With is a mediocre boxing movie 332 00:11:29,523 --> 00:11:30,088 And a broken bell. 333 00:11:30,090 --> 00:11:33,625 Okay, we're all saying things that are hurtful and untrue. 334 00:11:33,627 --> 00:11:34,492 I say we hug. 335 00:11:34,494 --> 00:11:36,227 We'll start. You guys join. 336 00:11:36,229 --> 00:11:37,095 No. 337 00:11:37,097 --> 00:11:40,498 I never understood why you liked this bonehead, 338 00:11:40,500 --> 00:11:43,868 But after meeting his dad, I really don't get it. 339 00:11:43,870 --> 00:11:47,205 I don't have to sit here and watch my son be insulted 340 00:11:47,207 --> 00:11:51,743 By a man who sells the fourth-best type of flooring. 341 00:11:51,745 --> 00:11:54,379 Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. 342 00:11:54,381 --> 00:11:58,083 There's only one thing worse than bad-mouthing the cowboys, 343 00:11:58,085 --> 00:12:00,285 And that's talking nonsense about tile. 344 00:12:00,287 --> 00:12:04,089 You can't name one better flooring option! 345 00:12:04,091 --> 00:12:04,556 Not one! 346 00:12:04,558 --> 00:12:09,160 Carpet, wood, linoleum, brick, marble, astroturf. 347 00:12:09,162 --> 00:12:10,495 Enough! 348 00:12:10,497 --> 00:12:11,429 It'll be a cold day in hell 349 00:12:11,431 --> 00:12:14,899 When my daughter dates a no-good, tile-hating eagle fan. 350 00:12:14,901 --> 00:12:16,167 I think you guys should leave. 351 00:12:16,169 --> 00:12:18,937 I'm a step ahead of you! Ca-caw! 352 00:12:18,939 --> 00:12:19,704 Stop it. What is that? 353 00:12:19,706 --> 00:12:23,475 I am an eagle, flying on my wings to victory. 354 00:12:23,477 --> 00:12:24,609 Ca-caw! 355 00:12:24,611 --> 00:12:25,410 Eagles don't "ca-caw!" 356 00:12:25,412 --> 00:12:28,546 Nobody knows the sound an eagle makes! 357 00:12:28,548 --> 00:12:30,281 (shouts) nobody! 358 00:12:30,883 --> 00:12:32,617 (door opens) 359 00:12:32,619 --> 00:12:33,718 Barry. 360 00:12:33,720 --> 00:12:35,220 Eagles don't ca-caw. 361 00:12:35,222 --> 00:12:35,954 Murray: Ca-caw! 362 00:12:35,956 --> 00:12:38,757 Adult adam: As barry was watching his first love fly away, 363 00:12:38,759 --> 00:12:40,892 I was getting ready to climb to new heights 364 00:12:40,894 --> 00:12:42,961 To show dana what a man looked like. 365 00:12:42,963 --> 00:12:44,662 Adam? I thought you were grounded. 366 00:12:44,664 --> 00:12:47,465 This is how grounded I'm not. 367 00:12:47,467 --> 00:12:48,099 (rattling) 368 00:12:48,101 --> 00:12:51,770 Wait. You can't climb that, it's too dangerous. 369 00:12:51,772 --> 00:12:54,038 (crowd murmuring) 370 00:12:54,040 --> 00:12:58,143 Dana isabelle caldwell, you're worth it. 371 00:12:59,645 --> 00:13:01,146 Adult adam: And so, my climb into greatness began. 372 00:13:01,148 --> 00:13:05,016 Sure, I was a clumsy doof with limited hand and leg strength, 373 00:13:05,018 --> 00:13:06,985 But I wouldn't let my shortcomings stop me. 374 00:13:06,987 --> 00:13:09,587 I had to show anthony balsamo and the rest of my school 375 00:13:09,589 --> 00:13:13,925 That adam goldberg was the manliest of men. 376 00:13:14,093 --> 00:13:14,826 It was my moment. 377 00:13:14,828 --> 00:13:16,761 The wind was at my back, my heart was pounding, 378 00:13:16,763 --> 00:13:18,596 And I knew exactly what I needed to write 379 00:13:18,598 --> 00:13:23,168 To show all of jenkintown that dana was my girl. 380 00:13:23,170 --> 00:13:26,171 Nothing on god's green earth could stop me. 381 00:13:26,173 --> 00:13:27,272 No! 382 00:13:27,274 --> 00:13:29,007 Come on! Damn it! 383 00:13:29,009 --> 00:13:33,144 Well, nothing, except for an empty can of spray paint. 384 00:13:33,146 --> 00:13:34,946 Oh, balls! 385 00:13:36,248 --> 00:13:38,416 Do you know that guy, dan? 386 00:13:38,418 --> 00:13:39,117 Not that well. 387 00:13:39,119 --> 00:13:41,152 Adult adam: Even more unfortunate... 388 00:13:41,154 --> 00:13:41,786 Oh, balls! 389 00:13:41,788 --> 00:13:43,154 I got so swept up in being man 390 00:13:43,156 --> 00:13:48,760 That I'd forgotten about my crippling fear or heights. 391 00:13:48,762 --> 00:13:49,327 (siren wails) 392 00:13:49,329 --> 00:13:53,565 Also unfortunate, they had to call the fire department. 393 00:13:53,567 --> 00:13:55,266 Turns out, being swaddled like a baby 394 00:13:55,268 --> 00:13:59,170 Didn't help my case on proving my manhood. 395 00:14:02,041 --> 00:14:03,408 Hey, you okay, bro? 396 00:14:03,410 --> 00:14:04,776 (bleep) dan. 397 00:14:04,778 --> 00:14:08,546 Adult adam: Even though the eagles lost pretty bad that day, 398 00:14:08,548 --> 00:14:11,382 Barry was taking his loss even harder. 399 00:14:11,384 --> 00:14:12,317 What the hell are you doing? 400 00:14:12,319 --> 00:14:15,320 Just sorting through the treasures of our relationship. 401 00:14:15,322 --> 00:14:17,388 The flyer shirt she hated, 402 00:14:17,390 --> 00:14:19,858 The stop sign where she wanted to go left 403 00:14:19,860 --> 00:14:20,892 And I wanted to go right, 404 00:14:20,894 --> 00:14:22,927 So I got nervous, went straight. 405 00:14:22,929 --> 00:14:26,264 You might not understand this, but... 406 00:14:27,099 --> 00:14:30,301 Eagles and cowboys just don't mix. 407 00:14:30,303 --> 00:14:32,704 You and lainey were doomed from the start. 408 00:14:32,706 --> 00:14:34,239 We just root for different teams. 409 00:14:34,241 --> 00:14:36,674 So what? So it gets complicated. 410 00:14:36,676 --> 00:14:39,377 I've seen people try, but it's, uh... 411 00:14:39,379 --> 00:14:40,712 Well, that's a tough life. 412 00:14:40,714 --> 00:14:42,113 You're living in the past! 413 00:14:42,115 --> 00:14:44,182 I don't see teams, I see people. 414 00:14:44,184 --> 00:14:45,316 Everyone sees teams. 415 00:14:45,318 --> 00:14:47,886 Well, as much as I care about the eagles... 416 00:14:47,888 --> 00:14:49,454 I care about lainey more. 417 00:14:49,456 --> 00:14:52,290 That's a damn big thing to say. 418 00:14:52,292 --> 00:14:54,826 I know it is. You better mean it. 419 00:14:54,828 --> 00:14:55,693 I do. 420 00:14:55,695 --> 00:14:58,096 Well, let's get in the damn car. 421 00:14:58,098 --> 00:14:59,230 And bring the stop sign. 422 00:14:59,232 --> 00:15:02,033 We got to put it back. It's a serious crime. 423 00:15:03,369 --> 00:15:04,736 Bill, we need to talk. 424 00:15:04,738 --> 00:15:06,004 I've got nothing to say to you. 425 00:15:06,006 --> 00:15:08,506 Look, I know things got personal. 426 00:15:08,508 --> 00:15:10,308 You said some things about rocky. 427 00:15:10,310 --> 00:15:12,010 I said some things about floor tiling. 428 00:15:12,012 --> 00:15:15,113 We got great kids, and they like each other. 429 00:15:15,115 --> 00:15:17,148 So let's just move past this. 430 00:15:17,150 --> 00:15:18,750 Mur, I'm a reasonable man. 431 00:15:18,752 --> 00:15:19,584 I'll let lainey see barry 432 00:15:19,586 --> 00:15:24,022 If you admit the cowboys are america's team. 433 00:15:24,024 --> 00:15:24,489 Reasonable? 434 00:15:24,491 --> 00:15:26,958 That's not reasonable, that's the opposite of reasonable. 435 00:15:26,960 --> 00:15:30,161 Dad, come on. Let him try it on. 436 00:15:30,163 --> 00:15:32,764 I'll do it. Wait, seriously? 437 00:15:32,766 --> 00:15:34,032 (sighs) 438 00:15:34,034 --> 00:15:36,734 (mumbling) the cowboys are... What's that? 439 00:15:36,736 --> 00:15:37,669 Cowboys... (speaks gibberish) 440 00:15:37,671 --> 00:15:39,604 I couldn't quite hear you. Cowboys... (mumbles) 441 00:15:39,606 --> 00:15:42,974 Adult adam: Even though my brother liked lainey more than the eagles, 442 00:15:42,976 --> 00:15:45,777 He hated watching our dad get ridiculed. 443 00:15:45,779 --> 00:15:47,979 The cowboys... 444 00:15:47,981 --> 00:15:48,413 Suck! 445 00:15:48,415 --> 00:15:50,648 They suck! The cowboys suck! 446 00:15:50,650 --> 00:15:53,651 I'm sorry, lainey, they suck so hard. 447 00:15:53,653 --> 00:15:54,552 I think we're done here. 448 00:15:54,554 --> 00:15:57,755 Damn right we are! Ca-caw! Ca-caw! 449 00:15:57,757 --> 00:15:58,356 Stop it! Ca-caw! 450 00:15:58,358 --> 00:15:59,791 Eagles don't make that noise! 451 00:15:59,793 --> 00:16:01,526 Ca-caw! It makes no sense! 452 00:16:01,528 --> 00:16:02,360 Both: Ca-caw! Ca-caw! 453 00:16:02,362 --> 00:16:03,962 Adult adam: While barry and my dad were flying high, 454 00:16:03,964 --> 00:16:06,030 Erica was trying to keep my smother grounded. 455 00:16:06,032 --> 00:16:07,799 Where is he? Where is my boy? 456 00:16:07,801 --> 00:16:09,334 I'm sorry. I can't hear you. 457 00:16:09,336 --> 00:16:11,102 Tell me where my favorite child is, 458 00:16:11,104 --> 00:16:13,004 Or this is gonna get real mean. 459 00:16:13,006 --> 00:16:14,672 Meaner than that? Cut it out. 460 00:16:14,674 --> 00:16:16,140 Do what you will, I won't crack. 461 00:16:16,142 --> 00:16:18,776 Wow. Standing up for your brother. 462 00:16:18,778 --> 00:16:21,045 I'm proud of you, really. 463 00:16:21,814 --> 00:16:22,413 What are you doing? 464 00:16:22,415 --> 00:16:25,249 Just demonstrating how I'll be showing up to school next year 465 00:16:25,251 --> 00:16:26,150 If you don't start talking. 466 00:16:26,152 --> 00:16:28,686 (scoffs) you think a few curlers scare me? 467 00:16:28,688 --> 00:16:31,289 Wow. You put those in fast, you're like a hair ninja. 468 00:16:31,291 --> 00:16:33,524 Oh, it won't just be curlers. 469 00:16:33,526 --> 00:16:36,761 It'll be the whole pre-bedtime routine. 470 00:16:37,896 --> 00:16:40,531 (lisping) hi, erica, it's me, your mother. 471 00:16:40,533 --> 00:16:43,434 He's at the water tower. You're weak. 472 00:16:43,436 --> 00:16:45,303 I know. 473 00:16:51,543 --> 00:16:52,810 Hey! 474 00:16:52,812 --> 00:16:54,912 You are in so much trouble, mister! 475 00:16:54,914 --> 00:16:56,614 You thought you were grounded before? 476 00:16:56,616 --> 00:16:58,850 Well, you are really grounded now. 477 00:16:58,852 --> 00:16:59,650 It doesn't matter! 478 00:16:59,652 --> 00:17:04,355 After tonight, dana will never want to see me again anyway. 479 00:17:05,324 --> 00:17:06,958 What happened? 480 00:17:06,960 --> 00:17:08,026 You were right. 481 00:17:08,028 --> 00:17:08,760 I'm a little boy, 482 00:17:08,762 --> 00:17:10,695 And every time I try and be a man, 483 00:17:10,697 --> 00:17:15,033 I just end up proving I'm the farthest thing from it. 484 00:17:15,401 --> 00:17:16,234 I just... 485 00:17:16,236 --> 00:17:17,935 I hate who I am right now. 486 00:17:17,937 --> 00:17:19,370 Don't say that. 487 00:17:19,372 --> 00:17:22,140 Look, I know this is hard for you to understand, 488 00:17:22,142 --> 00:17:25,043 But this period of your life... (clicks tongue) 489 00:17:25,045 --> 00:17:27,311 It's only gonna last a little while. 490 00:17:27,313 --> 00:17:31,682 I'm sure, for you, it seems like it'll last forever, 491 00:17:31,684 --> 00:17:35,953 But believe me, it doesn't. 492 00:17:37,089 --> 00:17:37,955 In fact, for me, 493 00:17:37,957 --> 00:17:41,626 It all seems like it's just going by so fast. 494 00:17:41,628 --> 00:17:42,827 Just take me home. 495 00:17:42,829 --> 00:17:46,030 (dire straits romeo and juliet plays) 496 00:17:54,573 --> 00:17:56,707 (brakes squeal) 497 00:17:56,709 --> 00:17:59,077 Okay. Here's your stop. 498 00:17:59,411 --> 00:18:01,245 But this is dana's house. 499 00:18:01,247 --> 00:18:02,413 Yeah. Go talk to her. 500 00:18:02,415 --> 00:18:06,317 Really? You said I wasn't allowed to see her anymore. 501 00:18:06,319 --> 00:18:08,486 I know what I said. 502 00:18:08,488 --> 00:18:09,854 Go. 503 00:18:12,691 --> 00:18:15,560 ¶ a lovestruck romeo 504 00:18:15,562 --> 00:18:18,396 ¶ sings the streets a serenade 505 00:18:18,398 --> 00:18:21,065 ¶ laying everybody low 506 00:18:21,067 --> 00:18:24,001 ¶ with a love song that he made 507 00:18:24,003 --> 00:18:26,037 ¶ finds a streetlight 508 00:18:26,039 --> 00:18:28,406 ¶ steps out of the shade 509 00:18:28,408 --> 00:18:30,108 ¶ says something like... ¶ 510 00:18:30,110 --> 00:18:31,976 Adam? We need to talk. 511 00:18:31,978 --> 00:18:33,578 Okay, I'll come down. 512 00:18:33,580 --> 00:18:34,712 No, wait. 513 00:18:34,714 --> 00:18:36,647 I'll come up. 514 00:18:37,116 --> 00:18:39,417 Adult adam: That night, I was determined 515 00:18:39,419 --> 00:18:40,985 To climb my way into manhood. 516 00:18:40,987 --> 00:18:42,720 Or at least make it to dana's window 517 00:18:42,722 --> 00:18:44,856 Without having to be rescued by firemen. 518 00:18:44,858 --> 00:18:46,691 You know, you really need to stop climbing things. 519 00:18:46,693 --> 00:18:50,695 Look, all I wanted was to be seen as your boyfriend, 520 00:18:50,697 --> 00:18:52,563 Not some little kid. 521 00:18:52,565 --> 00:18:53,297 No one thinks that. 522 00:18:53,299 --> 00:18:55,833 Of course they do. Look at me. 523 00:18:55,835 --> 00:18:57,635 Adam, look at me. 524 00:18:57,637 --> 00:18:59,070 People think I'm in high school, 525 00:18:59,072 --> 00:19:01,272 And they stare at me, and it sucks. 526 00:19:01,274 --> 00:19:03,107 I don't want to go to their parties. 527 00:19:03,109 --> 00:19:07,111 I just want to ride my bike and play video games... 528 00:19:07,779 --> 00:19:09,046 With you. 529 00:19:09,048 --> 00:19:12,817 (chuckles) that sounds awesome. 530 00:19:12,951 --> 00:19:15,520 So, now what? 531 00:19:16,421 --> 00:19:18,556 Now I kiss you? 532 00:19:19,024 --> 00:19:21,058 I'm good with that. 533 00:19:22,861 --> 00:19:25,863 I can't believe you were actually gonna say 534 00:19:25,865 --> 00:19:27,098 The cowboys were better than the eagles for me. 535 00:19:27,100 --> 00:19:30,334 For your information, I was never going to say that. 536 00:19:30,336 --> 00:19:33,104 Oh, you were gonna say it. I wasn't going to say it. 537 00:19:33,106 --> 00:19:33,804 You were gonna say it. 538 00:19:33,806 --> 00:19:37,008 Okay, maybe I like you a little bit more than the eagles. 539 00:19:37,010 --> 00:19:38,876 Don't tell the eagles. 540 00:19:38,878 --> 00:19:40,845 (knocking on door) 541 00:19:41,947 --> 00:19:43,548 Lainey, what are you... 542 00:19:43,550 --> 00:19:44,448 My dad hates your guts. 543 00:19:44,450 --> 00:19:45,850 Oh, my god, he hates you so much. 544 00:19:45,852 --> 00:19:47,285 He forbid me from ever seeing you again. 545 00:19:47,287 --> 00:19:49,921 Well, thanks for delivering that message in person. 546 00:19:49,923 --> 00:19:51,389 Don't you get it? 547 00:19:51,391 --> 00:19:52,156 He forbid me. 548 00:19:52,158 --> 00:19:54,091 Forbidden love! That is so hot! Huh? 549 00:19:54,093 --> 00:19:57,228 Oh, can't you guys just wait until I leave the room 550 00:19:57,230 --> 00:19:59,297 Before you start studying? 551 00:19:59,299 --> 00:20:00,731 Ugh. I just ate. 552 00:20:00,733 --> 00:20:03,034 Oh, and by the way, 553 00:20:03,036 --> 00:20:05,703 Even though the cowboys suck... 554 00:20:05,705 --> 00:20:08,372 I think barry chose well. 555 00:20:08,874 --> 00:20:10,541 I chose him. 556 00:20:10,543 --> 00:20:12,076 Hmm. 557 00:20:12,711 --> 00:20:15,012 ¶ all I do is kiss you 558 00:20:15,014 --> 00:20:17,782 ¶ through the bars of a rhyme 559 00:20:17,784 --> 00:20:22,186 ¶ julie, I'd do the stars with you any time ¶ 560 00:20:24,289 --> 00:20:25,423 It's my green lantern ring. 561 00:20:25,425 --> 00:20:29,560 It's actually not worth anything, but... I love it. 562 00:20:30,295 --> 00:20:32,630 Adult adam: That's the thing about young love. 563 00:20:32,632 --> 00:20:36,434 It's weird, it's awkward, it's confusing as hell, 564 00:20:36,436 --> 00:20:40,638 But no matter what size you are, it's worth it. 565 00:20:47,446 --> 00:20:49,213 (bell dinging) 566 00:20:52,884 --> 00:20:54,819 Holy why? 567 00:20:54,821 --> 00:20:55,786 Hi, erica. 568 00:20:55,788 --> 00:20:56,654 Okay, fine! You got me! 569 00:20:56,656 --> 00:20:58,823 But I was only in atlantic city for a few hours, 570 00:20:58,825 --> 00:21:00,458 And I wasn't even with those dudes 571 00:21:00,460 --> 00:21:01,325 When they were arrested. 572 00:21:01,327 --> 00:21:03,027 Adam forgot his lunch. I just brought it to him. 573 00:21:03,029 --> 00:21:06,163 You said you would come to school... 574 00:21:06,231 --> 00:21:08,466 I thought you knew. I didn't. 575 00:21:08,468 --> 00:21:09,467 Then why are you here 576 00:21:09,469 --> 00:21:10,901 Dressed as my worst nightmare? 577 00:21:10,903 --> 00:21:11,736 'cause some mornings, 578 00:21:11,738 --> 00:21:14,105 It's just tougher to get it together than others. 579 00:21:14,107 --> 00:21:16,474 Now, moving on to your punishment? 580 00:21:16,476 --> 00:21:18,643 Oh, I love you, too, erica! 581 00:21:18,645 --> 00:21:21,612 Yes, this is my daughter! 582 00:21:21,614 --> 00:21:23,981 I baked her in my tummy!