Adult adam: Back in the '80s, being a man's man was simple.
All you needed was muscles or a mustache.
Unfortunately, I was miles from dolph lundgren
And no chuck norris...Yet.
Get scared, boys. Goldberg's coming for you.
Adult adam: I was what you'd call a late bloomer,
Like the latest...Ever.
What's up, goldnerd? How was your winter break?
J.C. Spink? What the...
What happened to you?
Grew a ton, I stink, got acne all over my back.
It's awesome.
But worst of all, the girls were growing even faster,
Especially my girlfriend, dana caldwell.
Anthony: Yo, girls.
Mainly you.
Um, hi.
There's a party at the water tower.
Usually there's no freshman allowed,
But for you, I'll make an exception.
Actually, I'm not a freshmen.
Adam f. Goldberg. Pleasure.
Uh, what's this about a party?
Uh, I'll see you there, dana.
And, uh, don't bring your little brother.
I'm actually four months and 16 days older than her,
And we're together.
Weird. Anthony balsamo knows my name.
And he's such a mensch to invite both of us.
Wait... You want to go to that?
It's just gonna be a bunch of rowdy high-school guys
Spray-painting dirty words on the water tower.
Big, bad adam ain't afraid of no water tower.
Or ghosts, fyi.
Adult adam: I desperately wanted my girlfriend, dana,
To see me as a man.
Are you standing on your tiptoes?
Don't think so.
Adult adam: And if it wasn't gonna happen on its own,
I would kick-start the process myself.
What the hell are you doing?
I'm stimulating the follicles.
I read it in gq.
It's a magazine for stylish men of means.
Okay, everybody out.
I need to use the... Oh, my god.
Are you using my lady bic?
I'm stimulating the follicles!
Ha, you suck!
Barry, get the camera! Adam's being adam!
What's with all the yelling?
Oh, my joy!
Is my baby trying to shave?
(gasps) I'm stimulating the follicles.
Oh! I got the polaroid!
Say peach fuzz!
¶ I'm twisted up inside
¶ but nonetheless I feel the need to say
¶ I don't know the future
¶ but the past keeps getting clearer every day ¶
Adult adam: It was January 7th, 1980-something,
And my brother, barry, had his first real-live girlfriend,
Lainey lewis.
You went through my backpack and ate my pudding?
Who does that?
Aw, so cute when my boyfriend flies into a rage over pudding.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold up.
You just said "boyfriend" out loud,
In front of other teenage human people.
Dude, it's not a big deal.
It's just...
I've never been this happy.
Aw.
Don't celebrate just yet.
My dad has to meet your dad first.
It's like his only rule.
He needs to know you come from good stock.
I don't.
You've seen my stock. It's like terrible stock.
I have a plan.
We'll have you guys come to a football game,
So they'll be distracted and drinking a lot.
That's genius! Think you can get him to come over?
Hey, big tasty knows how to handle murray goldberg.
There's a 100% chance my dad will be there.
There's a zero percent chance I will be there.
Please. It's just one little football game.
Little? We're talking cowboys-eagles here!
It's the biggest game of the year.
It's the only thing I care about in the entire world.
More than your child? Yes.
You put me in a position where I had to say it,
And now that I did, I feel free.
If I hear you say no again, I'm hulking out.
We're talking screaming and swearing.
I'm gonna smash this decorative box!
Do not hulk out!
Do not smash that decorative box!
Say goodbye to the decorative box!
Your mom keeps her knickknacks in there.
I'll destroy her knickknacks, too!
Hulk doesn't respect knickknacks!
Fine! I'll do your stupid thing!
Where are we going again?
Do you even listen when I talk?
I get the gist of it, say no a lot.
I make it work.
I'm cool with that.
Adult adam: While barry was hulking out for lainey,
I was bulking up for dana.
"buns of steel?"
"just five minutes a day
"for the working mom on the go."
That can vaguely apply to me.
Okay, what's going on with you?
All the guys at school are turning into grown men,
And I still have a little-boy body.
Ah, puberty.
I was an early bloomer myself.
Those were the days.
(sighs) that's not helpful, is it?
No! My girlfriend's is about to be stolen by anthony balsamo.
I don't know who this balsamic character is,
But I'm sure you don't need to worry.
No, he should worry.
Panic even.
I mean, anthony balsamo's a 10.
Mom says I'm a 10.
She also says barry can be a doctor.
Oh, god, pops, help me!
It's a lie, I'm not a 10.
If anthony balsamo's got his eye on your girl,
You got to think big.
In this case, maybe a diamond or a car
Or an exotic trip around the world.
Adam, you can't buy a girlfriend.
Unless she's out of your league.
Then you've got to pull out all the stops.
Okay, then, jewelry it is.
I could give her my sweet green lantern ring.
Or you keep looking.
No, it's perfect. Just sleep on it.
Why? It glows and everything.
It's for nerds, okay?
Nerds.
I'm sorry,
But you left me no choice.
Adult adam: They were right.
They only way to lock down dana
Was with a big, sparkly ring.
Lucky for me, my nana left me the perfect one.
My mom said, one day,
I'd give it to the woman of my dreams.
Surely, she was thinking middle school, right?
(gasps)
You like? Adam, it's too much.
Nothing's too much for my number one special lady friend.
(laughs) it's beautiful.
Be sure to wear it tonight to the water tower.
You still want go to that party?
That balsamo kid was nice enough to invite us.
The least we could do is pop in and show your ring off.
Adam frederick goldberg!
Put it away. Oh, god. Hide your ring.
Oh, god, she knows.
How does she know? How do you know?
I have an itemized inventory right here
Of everything that goes in and out of our house.
Now give me nana's ring. No.
You said, one day, I could give it to the woman of my choosing,
And I choose dana.
By woman of your choosing, I meant of our choosing.
I'm a man, I made this decision,
And now there's nothing that you can do about it.
Oh, yes, there is.
Hi, mrs. Goldberg.
Dana, lovely to see you.
I'm gonna need that ring back.
Mom, do not do this.
Ring. Do not.
Ring, ring, ring. Do not.
Ring, ring. Who's there? It's me. I want my ring back.
Okay, I'll take it off.
(ring clatters)
Just put it back on my finger before you lose it.
(laughing) check it out.
Goldnerd's proposing to his mom,
And she said yes!
That's not what happened! Oh, she said no.
(all laughing)
There. You're happy now?
I do.
I mean, I am.
Hi, mr. Goldberg, thanks for coming.
My dad's excited to meet you.
Hi, barry. Hey, hey.
Oh, hey, there he is. Hey, hey.
Dad, you know barry, mr. Goldberg.
Yep. Hey, bill lewis of bill lewis tile and flooring.
Murray goldberg of this moron's father.
(laughs) classic mur-man.
He kids.
Big game today.
You guys are lucky
'cause I just bought a brand-new big-screen tv to watch it on.
What you got, 27? (whistles)
32? (imitates cranking)
34? 53 inches of pure magic, my friend.
You are a dirty liar.
Come here. (chuckles)
Oh...My...God. It's real.
(choir vocalizing) adult adam: Ah, the '80s projection tv.
It was blurry and weighed more than a car,
But it was the envy of every man.
I know we just met...
...But I want to live with you, bill. I choose you.
Wow. I think this may work.
And it did, for about two more seconds.
Murray, you can come over for any game you want.
(vocalizing stops) everybody's welcome in cowboy country.
Good god. What is this place?
I think he said cowboy country.
Isn't it great?
How could you do this to me?
They're cowboy fans.
I can't watch the biggest game of the year
In enemy territory!
I'm sorry, okay? Lainey didn't tell me.
Lainey: I did. Remember?
I told you all about it in your room...
When we were studying.
You can't expect me to listen to what you're saying while we're...
Studying.
Morons! I know what "studying" means!
Look, you can still root for the eagles,
Just not out loud.
Please. It's going so well. My dad actually likes you.
He never likes anyone.
Fine. I will stay for one quarter,
But after that, I go home and watch with my chair.
Who wants some barbecued eagle?
(laughs) I'm just fooling. It's chicken.
But that's what the eagles are, right?
A bunch of chickens.
(clucking)
(laughs)
Adult adam: As livid as my dad was,
It didn't come close to the rage in my heart.
Stop your stomping.
I get it, your little feet are mad,
But you are much too young
To be giving little girls big, honking sparklers.
Fine! I'll just get her a ring of my own!
I'll mow every damn lawn in this town if I have to.
What do I need to score a ring like that, huh?
Ten, twelve g's?
You know what? I thought we were gonna be able
To discuss this like reasonable people,
But clearly, your little body's all worked up.
Stop calling my parts little!
I'm a man! A big man!
Uh-huh!
Well, you're grounded, big man.
That means no computer, no television,
No phone, no dana.
(sighs)
Don't look at me like that. I know what you're thinking,
But he crossed a line with that ring.
And don't tell me
I'm trying to keep him a baby forever
Because I'm not,
Although he is growing up at an alarming rate.
And this isn't because I am devastated or jealous
Or threatened that he's got a new woman in his life,
Because she is not a woman, she is a girl
And I am the woman.
I'm his mother, of course, but he's mine...
Ours, all of ours.
Shut up!
(whirring)
Hey. You okay? No, I'm not okay!
Dana's at the water tower right now with anthony balsamo.
I can't let him swoop in on my gal.
I got to fix this.
Oh, good, you came up with another great way
For a robot to solve your problems.
I will let love and eight d batteries
Carry my letter to dana at the water tower.
There's nothing that can stand in omnibot's way.
Nothing!
Omnibot, no!
You know grass is your kryptonite!
Well, here's an idea.
A real man would find dana himself.
I can't. You heard mom, she would ground me forever.
Well, maybe some things in life are just worth it.
Adult adam: In that moment, I realized erica was right.
It was time to stop letting a robot do a man's job.
Run! Run and show her what a man you are!
What a tiny, little man you are.
And it's good! (crowd cheering)
Three on the board!
Three on the board. (bell rattles)
Three on the board. Three on the board.
Sweet lord, make him stop.
You know, dick vermeil has no business coaching men's football.
Maybe, at best, women's volleyball.
Not the olympic kind.
Like a casual, two-woman game on a beach, am I right, mur?
Adult adam: After a quarter of agony,
My dad was at his breaking point,
And then this happened.
Oh! Oh, yeah! Mike quick!
Just beat the kicker! Just beat the kicker!
Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
Touchdown!
Oh, whoa, whoa!
Oh, crap.
We're done. Yeah.
You're an eagles fan?
This is, uh, philadelphia, and I root for two teams...
The eagles
And whoever's playing the cowboys.
But at least we all can agree the giants suck.
Am I right?
In my house, we root for one team and one team only.
That's america's team.
If anyone's america's team, it's philly...
Home of the liberty bell, ben franklin, and rocky .
Your city's so bad you could only come up
With is a mediocre boxing movie
And a broken bell.
Okay, we're all saying things that are hurtful and untrue.
I say we hug.
We'll start. You guys join.
No.
I never understood why you liked this bonehead,
But after meeting his dad, I really don't get it.
I don't have to sit here and watch my son be insulted
By a man who sells the fourth-best type of flooring.
Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.
There's only one thing worse than bad-mouthing the cowboys,
And that's talking nonsense about tile.
You can't name one better flooring option!
Not one!
Carpet, wood, linoleum, brick, marble, astroturf.
Enough!
It'll be a cold day in hell
When my daughter dates a no-good, tile-hating eagle fan.
I think you guys should leave.
I'm a step ahead of you! Ca-caw!
Stop it. What is that?
I am an eagle, flying on my wings to victory.
Ca-caw!
Eagles don't "ca-caw!"
Nobody knows the sound an eagle makes!
(shouts) nobody!
(door opens)
Barry.
Eagles don't ca-caw.
Murray: Ca-caw!
Adult adam: As barry was watching his first love fly away,
I was getting ready to climb to new heights
To show dana what a man looked like.
Adam? I thought you were grounded.
This is how grounded I'm not.
(rattling)
Wait. You can't climb that, it's too dangerous.
(crowd murmuring)
Dana isabelle caldwell, you're worth it.
Adult adam: And so, my climb into greatness began.
Sure, I was a clumsy doof with limited hand and leg strength,
But I wouldn't let my shortcomings stop me.
I had to show anthony balsamo and the rest of my school
That adam goldberg was the manliest of men.
It was my moment.
The wind was at my back, my heart was pounding,
And I knew exactly what I needed to write
To show all of jenkintown that dana was my girl.
Nothing on god's green earth could stop me.
No!
Come on! Damn it!
Well, nothing, except for an empty can of spray paint.
Oh, balls!
Do you know that guy, dan?
Not that well.
Adult adam: Even more unfortunate...
Oh, balls!
I got so swept up in being man
That I'd forgotten about my crippling fear or heights.
(siren wails)
Also unfortunate, they had to call the fire department.
Turns out, being swaddled like a baby
Didn't help my case on proving my manhood.
Hey, you okay, bro?
(bleep) dan.
Adult adam: Even though the eagles lost pretty bad that day,
Barry was taking his loss even harder.
What the hell are you doing?
Just sorting through the treasures of our relationship.
The flyer shirt she hated,
The stop sign where she wanted to go left
And I wanted to go right,
So I got nervous, went straight.
You might not understand this, but...
Eagles and cowboys just don't mix.
You and lainey were doomed from the start.
We just root for different teams.
So what? So it gets complicated.
I've seen people try, but it's, uh...
Well, that's a tough life.
You're living in the past!
I don't see teams, I see people.
Everyone sees teams.
Well, as much as I care about the eagles...
I care about lainey more.
That's a damn big thing to say.
I know it is. You better mean it.
I do.
Well, let's get in the damn car.
And bring the stop sign.
We got to put it back. It's a serious crime.
Bill, we need to talk.
I've got nothing to say to you.
Look, I know things got personal.
You said some things about rocky.
I said some things about floor tiling.
We got great kids, and they like each other.
So let's just move past this.
Mur, I'm a reasonable man.
I'll let lainey see barry
If you admit the cowboys are america's team.
Reasonable?
That's not reasonable, that's the opposite of reasonable.
Dad, come on. Let him try it on.
I'll do it. Wait, seriously?
(sighs)
(mumbling) the cowboys are... What's that?
Cowboys... (speaks gibberish)
I couldn't quite hear you. Cowboys... (mumbles)
Adult adam: Even though my brother liked lainey more than the eagles,
He hated watching our dad get ridiculed.
The cowboys...
Suck!
They suck! The cowboys suck!
I'm sorry, lainey, they suck so hard.
I think we're done here.
Damn right we are! Ca-caw! Ca-caw!
Stop it! Ca-caw!
Eagles don't make that noise!
Ca-caw! It makes no sense!
Both: Ca-caw! Ca-caw!
Adult adam: While barry and my dad were flying high,
Erica was trying to keep my smother grounded.
Where is he? Where is my boy?
I'm sorry. I can't hear you.
Tell me where my favorite child is,
Or this is gonna get real mean.
Meaner than that? Cut it out.
Do what you will, I won't crack.
Wow. Standing up for your brother.
I'm proud of you, really.
What are you doing?
Just demonstrating how I'll be showing up to school next year
If you don't start talking.
(scoffs) you think a few curlers scare me?
Wow. You put those in fast, you're like a hair ninja.
Oh, it won't just be curlers.
It'll be the whole pre-bedtime routine.
(lisping) hi, erica, it's me, your mother.
He's at the water tower. You're weak.
I know.
Hey!
You are in so much trouble, mister!
You thought you were grounded before?
Well, you are really grounded now.
It doesn't matter!
After tonight, dana will never want to see me again anyway.
What happened?
You were right.
I'm a little boy,
And every time I try and be a man,
I just end up proving I'm the farthest thing from it.
I just...
I hate who I am right now.
Don't say that.
Look, I know this is hard for you to understand,
But this period of your life... (clicks tongue)
It's only gonna last a little while.
I'm sure, for you, it seems like it'll last forever,
But believe me, it doesn't.
In fact, for me,
It all seems like it's just going by so fast.
Just take me home.
(dire straits romeo and juliet plays)
(brakes squeal)
Okay. Here's your stop.
But this is dana's house.
Yeah. Go talk to her.
Really? You said I wasn't allowed to see her anymore.
I know what I said.
Go.
¶ a lovestruck romeo
¶ sings the streets a serenade
¶ laying everybody low
¶ with a love song that he made
¶ finds a streetlight
¶ steps out of the shade
¶ says something like... ¶
Adam? We need to talk.
Okay, I'll come down.
No, wait.
I'll come up.
Adult adam: That night, I was determined
To climb my way into manhood.
Or at least make it to dana's window
Without having to be rescued by firemen.
You know, you really need to stop climbing things.
Look, all I wanted was to be seen as your boyfriend,
Not some little kid.
No one thinks that.
Of course they do. Look at me.
Adam, look at me.
People think I'm in high school,
And they stare at me, and it sucks.
I don't want to go to their parties.
I just want to ride my bike and play video games...
With you.
(chuckles) that sounds awesome.
So, now what?
Now I kiss you?
I'm good with that.
I can't believe you were actually gonna say
The cowboys were better than the eagles for me.
For your information, I was never going to say that.
Oh, you were gonna say it. I wasn't going to say it.
You were gonna say it.
Okay, maybe I like you a little bit more than the eagles.
Don't tell the eagles.
(knocking on door)
Lainey, what are you...
My dad hates your guts.
Oh, my god, he hates you so much.
He forbid me from ever seeing you again.
Well, thanks for delivering that message in person.
Don't you get it?
He forbid me.
Forbidden love! That is so hot! Huh?
Oh, can't you guys just wait until I leave the room
Before you start studying?
Ugh. I just ate.
Oh, and by the way,
Even though the cowboys suck...
I think barry chose well.
I chose him.
Hmm.
¶ all I do is kiss you
¶ through the bars of a rhyme
¶ julie, I'd do the stars with you any time ¶
It's my green lantern ring.
It's actually not worth anything, but... I love it.
Adult adam: That's the thing about young love.
It's weird, it's awkward, it's confusing as hell,
But no matter what size you are, it's worth it.
(bell dinging)
Holy why?
Hi, erica.
Okay, fine! You got me!
But I was only in atlantic city for a few hours,
And I wasn't even with those dudes
When they were arrested.
Adam forgot his lunch. I just brought it to him.
You said you would come to school...
I thought you knew. I didn't.
Then why are you here
Dressed as my worst nightmare?
'cause some mornings,
It's just tougher to get it together than others.
Now, moving on to your punishment?
Oh, I love you, too, erica!
Yes, this is my daughter!
I baked her in my tummy!