Adult adam: Growing up, my brother fancied himself quite the ladies' man.
Unfortunately, the only lady who was into him
Was this lady.
I know I'm your mother, but I think I can say this without bias.
Uh, you are an adonis cut from marble
Sent from heaven to be scrumptious.
(chuckles) oh, you got some schmutz.
Adult adam: Truth is,
Barry had absolutely no game in the woman department.
(tires screech)
Guess who's gonna be a professional bmx biker.
Guess who doesn't care.
Okay, then.
Adult adam: Yep. No game whatsoever.
(rapping) ¶ big tasty wants to take you on a boat ride
¶ I know it's not good timing 'cause your cat died ¶
Adult adam: Especially when it came to erica's best friend, lainey.
She was the girl he pined after since first grade.
Unfortunately, it wasn't reciprocated.
Yep, my brother was a lost cause...
Or so we thought.
"general hospital's" on. Get out.
Can't. I'm busy.
Doing what? Sitting down here alone, like a weirdo?
Sometimes I just like to light a candle
And sit with my thoughts. (clank)
Erica, wait! Lainey?
Hey. (laughs nervously)
Just looking for my scrunchie. Guess it's not down there.
It's in your hair.
Oh! So it is. (laughs)
It's always the last place you look. Okay, bye-bye now.
No, come back!
Hold it right there!
Are you and barry, together?
No. Not really. I mean, kinda.
He repulses me, but I'm still drawn to him.
Ew! I know!
He's clumsy and annoying and has those big,
Brown eyes and cute dimples when he smiles.
Ew! I know!
Lainey, we're talking about my brother. This has to stop!
I know! Ew!
I've tried, but I keep getting pulled back in.
It's like he annoys me so much,
I just want to kiss his stupid face.
Ew! I know!
Ladies.
Can I interest either of you in an orange crush on ice?
Both: Ew! You! Me.
Gotta go. You cannot date my best friend.
It's an unholy union! I forbid it! (door closing)
Please do. Forbidden love is the best kind of love.
Right after tender and jungle.
(laughing) oh!
You're delusional.
Your relationship's not even real.
Why do you think she's keeping it a secret?
Oh, we'll see how much of a secret it is
After lainey asks me to the darryl dawkins dance this Friday.
Darryl dawkins?
Do you mean sadie hawkins?
No! I'm talking about the dance when the girls ask the guys.
It's named after the basketball player darryl dawkins.
Who?
Dr. Dunkenstein, the rim wrecker,
Chocolate thunder,
Don't fake the funk on a nasty dunk.
Why would a dance where the girls ask the guys
Be named after a basketball player?
'cause it's like the ball's in your court, girl.
That actually makes a tiny bit of sense.
But lainey's not asking you.
Oh, she will.
And we'll dance, and we'll drink punch,
And we'll fall in love, and we'll get married.
Stop talking.
Keep talking. Who's getting married?
I heard "married," and I came running.
Both: No one.
Well, just so you know,
I've picked out the perfect person for each of my children,
So whenever you're ready,
I can introduce you to your soul mate.
Pass! Pass.
Come on. Don't you want what your father and I have?
Murray: Bevy!
I dropped your toothbrush in the toilet again.
Did you do the right thing and toss it,
Or did you put it back in the holder?
The right thing.
Soul mates.
¶ I'm twisted up inside
¶ but nonetheless I feel the need to say
¶ I don't know the future
¶ but the past keeps getting clearer every day ¶
Adult adam: It was Saturday morning, 1980-something,
And that meant one thing... Cartoons. (grunts)
Children across america would park themselves on the couch
And be sucked into endless hours of their favorite shows.
There was g.I. Joe, dinosaucers.
The real ghostbusters,
And the greatest one of all, transformers.
So, they're robots... But they're also cars?
And trucks and planes and sometimes dinosaurs.
Why would you ruin a perfectly good fiero
By turning it into some dumb robot?
Dumb? It's the world's greatest cartoon.
They just came out with an animated movie.
They took this and made it longer? I don't get it.
Oh, but a grown man hitting a ball with a stick...
That makes sense?
Don't you come after baseball.
It's america's pastime.
And robots are america's future! Deal with it!
Deal with what? Robots aren't even real.
Oh, you'll see how real they are when cyborgs take over
And outlaw your precious baseball.
Never. And you know why?
Because we will rise up with our bats
And destroy those metal bastards.
A bat against a plasma cannon?
Good luck mining steel for your robot overlords.
Okay, this has gotten away from us.
I'll take him to the talking-car movie.
You do what you do.
(groans)
Adult adam: Pops could care less about my silly cartoon,
But my best friend would pretend to love anything for me.
This is amazing.
What's happening?
Adam: That's the autobots.
Those robots are the good guys.
Oh! Watch this. They're about to kick decepticon butt.
Adult adam: But they didn't. Instead, they did this...
They killed one of the good guys.
No.
Actually, they killed all the good guys.
No!
Even optimus prime was killed in cold blood.
And along with it, my innocence.
Do the good guys always die like this?
They're not dead.
It's probably a plot twist.
They'll come back and save the day.
Adult adam: But they didn't.
You ready to go? No.
Optimus will be back.
I don't think he's coming back.
Oh, he's coming back...
Bigger and better and not dead.
He's dead, dude.
Adult adam: While I was feeling down, barry was trying to get down.
'sup, hot lips?
You know the rules.
We only talk through the locker.
'sup, hot lips?
What do you want? People are looking.
I was wondering when exactly
You were gonna ask me to the dance.
Yeah, never. 'cause then people would see us together.
You know, it kind of sounds like
You don't want to be seen with me in public.
It sounds like that 'cause that's exactly what I'm saying.
(sighs) aw, come on.
Don't give me those puppy-dog eyes through the locker.
You know I can't say no to those baby browns.
Okay, fine!
Just go stag, and I'll dance adjacent to you
Without acknowledging your presence.
But, I was gonna bring my cardboard
So I can break-dance for you, baby.
I'm sorry.
Lainey: Now go away.
Adult adam: Erica saw that longing look in lainey's eye
And knew there was only one thing to do. Stop it.
Mom, I need you to get heavily involved with your son
In an inappropriate way.
I'm in. You name it, I'll do it.
It's barry.
He's in a serious funk
Because nobody's asked him to the sadie hawkins dance.
Well, when you're that delicious,
It can be intimidating.
That's a theory.
Anyway, I think that he's ready
To meet that soul mate you had picked out for him.
Oh, my god! It's finally happening!
My children are coming to me to help them find love!
(laughs)
I have literally found him
The most perfect, beautiful girl in the world.
Great. Now, when you're looking...
No, let's just do this already.
Are you sure about this?
I mean, barry did specifically say
He didn't want me to set him up.
You have to.
This is not me being selfish or having my own agenda.
It's coming from a place of love,
Because I just want barry to be happy.
(bleep) me sideways.
I have raised some thoughtful children.
Come here.
Stand up straight.
There it is.
I mean, who murders optimus prime?
That's like killing superman or knight rider or lassie.
You've been ranting about this for two days, kiddo.
Come on. He's just a cartoon robot.
To you. To me, he's a hero.
If I made that movie, optimus would live forever,
And he would bring peace to cybertron!
I don't know what you're talking about,
But sure... Let's make that movie.
We'll right the wrongs of those hollywood bastards.
Well, if we do this, we do it right.
I'm talking top-of-the-line costumes, set design,
Romance, big-budget stunt work.
I got $75 in my wallet.
Done.
What the hell are you doing? That's my chair!
Now it's optimus prime's command center.
I'm making an awesome movie.
For how long? We're thinking five, six months.
What? I know. It's gonna be tough
With the late-night shooting,
The crew taking over the house,
And the huge water bill. I got to flood the basement.
Oh, yeah? Well, use somebody else's chair.
Stop!
You don't understand.
Optimus was murdered in cold blood.
The greek exchange student staying with the applebaum's?
No. That kid's name is niko.
I'm talking about the robot I like from the cartoon.
So?
So he's gone,
And if it can happen to him, it can happen to anyone.
Oh. I see what's happening.
We need to have the death talk.
Eh, I'm fine. We don't need to talk.
I just think death sucks and it shouldn't happen, and I'm gonna undo it.
Yeah, I know it's scary, but we all got to go sometime.
You got nothing to worry about.
You got your whole life ahead of you.
Really? Yeah.
Now, if you were an old man, different story.
All right. Good talk.
Adult adam: But it wasn't a good talk.
Now I was worrying about my other hero, pops.
Okay, time for my big battle scene.
Optimo gets run over and lives.
And hit me with the car.
About that, there were some rewrites.
In the new scene, optimus prime eats a fiber-rich breakfast
And goes for a heart-smart walk.
Okay, I'm not understanding my character here.
You told me I was a badass.
You are. And after this scene,
You're gonna rest up with some hot tea under an afghan,
Like a badass.
Feels like you're taking the teeth out of this thing.
Well, I'm the director, and this is my vision.
Now, take a calcium supplement
And stand on your mark in the shade.
Oh, stop. Just tap me. Tap me with the car.
You're old. It would shatter your whole body.
I'll show you old.
Hit me with the car. No!
You get in that car and you run me over right now.
Forget it! You're too difficult to work with!
You're fired!
You can't fire me! I'm the star!
I fire you!
You can't fire me! I brought you onto this project!
Well, I'm pulling the funding, 'cause I'm very upset...
Even though I'm not quite clear what we're arguing about.
And I'm walking like this because of the costume,
Not because I'm old.
Adult adam: Barry still might not have had a date
For the darryl dawkins dance,
But thanks to erica's scheme, he was about to get one.
Love bug, I just got off the phone.
What's the best news you could think of?
I'm gonna be on a wheaties box with pete rose.
Close. I found a wonderful girl,
And she wants to ask you to the sadie hawkins dance.
I honestly have no idea what you're talking about.
She means "darryl dawkins."
Oh!
Yeah, forget it. I hate that stupid dance.
Barry, you should listen to her.
Mom's the best matchmaker in town, okay?
She set me up with a ton of great people.
Really? Who? You know, like, uh...
(muffled) mondragor mcalister.
Mondragor mcalister? Who's that?
Well, he's... (mumbling)
Stop talking into your soda can!
(mumbling)
Barry, trust your mother.
I found the girl of your dreams.
She's smart, she's pretty,
And she's waiting in the kitchen.
What is she doing?
I already met the girl of my dreams, lainey.
She said she might dance adjacent to me.
Dude, if you knew what "adjacent" meant,
You would not be okay with that.
(singsong voice) here she is.
This is evelyn silver.
I know her mother from my scrapbooking circle.
I scrapbook, too, but I'm nothing compared to bevy.
She's the one who bought me
My first pair of scalloping scissors.
Your mom is my arts-and-crafts guru.
I mean, I would have never thought
To cut my pictures into fun shapes,
Like hearts and stars.
Squares are for squares.
(laughs) even weirder than barry dating erica's best friend
Was barry dating our mother.
Wait, wait. I know you.
You're the girl at school who always argues with the teachers.
Only when they're wrong. Which is a lot.
Oh! (gasps)
Oh, dear god. I like your sweater.
I find it oddly comforting. Thank you.
You got some schmutz on the side of...
This is so, so creepy.
Listen, your mom was thinking
Maybe we could go to the dance together.
Oh, I don't know what...
So you already have a date?
Not really.
Well, you do now.
I'm wearing pink, so keep that in mind
When you're buying my corsage.
No carnations. Don't cheap out.
Bevy! Where are my comfortable loafers?
Did you check by the front door?
Who are you?
I'm evy. You just called for me.
No, I said "bevy."
They're by the front door.
Well. Sorry.
And thank you.
Is that your hubby? Yeah.
What a catch. (laughs)
Oh, dear god.
What are you doing?
Signing up for skydiving lessons.
I'll show him who's old.
Okay.
I just got into a fight with adam.
You just got into a fight with adam? Over what?
He wouldn't run me over with the car!
Okay.
I mean, all of a sudden,
He's treating me like some fragile old fogey.
This might partially be my fault.
I may have said something along the lines of "old people die,"
And he may have jumped to conclusions.
What conclusions?
You know, if you're at the deli counter of life
And you've got your ticket,
You're gonna get your sandwich sooner than other people will.
What is this horrible deli? I hate this deli.
We all got to eat there sometime.
Well, I'm just gonna have a pickle.
Can't just have a pickle.
I can, and I will.
You can't just have a pickle.
I'm in better shape than you.
Check out these guns!
Why are you yelling at me?
'cause it's your fault!
You're the old guy wearing the costume
Of the dead robot he loves.
You're right. The poor kid.
He's probably scared of losing his two greatest heroes.
I'm sure there's a couple of other heroes on that list...
Like me, for example.
Okay.
Evelyn silver?
How could you go to the dance with evelyn silver?
'cause she asked me!
Well, she kind of told me.
She's pushy in a way that feels familiar and safe.
Well, now we're never not going to the dance together.
But we never were going to the dance together.
But now we're really never not going to the dance together.
Okay, I am totally lost here.
I used to not want to be seen with you in public,
But now I don't want to be seen with you in private, either.
But if we were in private, how could anyone see us?
They wouldn't not see us, but now they'll never not see us!
I think my brain is about to explode!
See if you understand this. I'm dumping you.
We were together?
We were together!
Wait! Come back!
We were together.
Adult adam: Pops gave me some time
To cool down from our big blowup.
Unfortunately, I was hotter than ever.
Hey, kiddo. (knocks on door)
Can we talk?
Busy. I'm making a new movie.
Stop-motion animation. You know what's good about that?
No actors.
Well, you look like crap. Have you slept?
No, I haven't slept. I'm making a masterpiece here.
Okay, look.
I know your dad talked to you about the deli of life,
But you need to know,
I'm not eating a sandwich just yet.
Maybe it's because I'm super-tired,
But you're making no sense.
Look, everyone has their time.
But I'm here, I'm awesome,
And I'm not going anywhere anytime soon, kiddo.
Really? Really.
Want to know my secret?
Hanging out with my best friend keeps me young.
Now...
What do you say you run your grandpa over with a car?
I'd love to.
Hey. Aren't you supposed to be getting ready for the dance?
What's the point?
I found love, and I lost it.
Now I'm never gonna talk through a locker
With someone I really care about again.
Well, evy seems creepily into you.
But lainey was cool and made me feel alive,
And I pretty much had a crush on her for my entire life.
But, like you said, she doesn't like me.
Look, I know my best friend.
Lainey likes you. She just treats you like an annoying,
Twerpy loser because you let her.
Doesn't matter now. I ruined everything.
(sighs) no, I did.
Mom didn't just randomly set you up on a date.
I may have put her up to it
Because I didn't want you frenching on my best friend.
What?
I know it was wrong, but now...
I can't believe I'm saying this...
You should be at the dance with her.
Ew.
¶ heaven isn't too far away
¶ closer to it every day
Lainey. We need to talk.
Uh, I'm sorry. I don't know you.
Just hear me out!
No! Leave me alone!
Lainey!
¶ how I love the way you move
¶ and the sparkle in your eyes
Lainey, wait!
Wait! Wait.
Okay, I know I'm irritating and I sweat a lot
And my rap flow is too ahead of its time,
So I get why you don't want to be seen with me.
But I just need to know one thing...
Do you like me?
I do. Please don't tell anyone.
I won't! But it's come to my attention
You only treat me this way because I put up with it.
But I'm here to tell you...
I want to put up with it.
Let me stand in the shadows.
Let me only talk to you through your locker vent.
Let me be your secret shame.
God, you're annoying.
I know.
Come on. Let's dance.
We can still hear the music out here.
No.
Let's go inside.
Then everyone will see us.
That's the point, dummy.
¶ heaven isn't too far away
¶ closer to it every day
¶ ah, ah
¶ no matter what your friends might say
¶ we'll find our way
¶ yeah
(guitar solo)
Adult adam: Yep, barry goldberg was on top of the world,
And no one could ruin that...
Not even beverly goldberg.
What the hell is this?
I set barry up with his soul mate,
And he's not even with her
When I show up completely unannounced?
Yeah, about that. Why are you here?
I came to see the lovebirds,
But those are the wrong lovebirds!
Yeah, but maybe not.
¶ now the lights are going out
He does look happy.
He really does. Wait. What happened to evy?
Oh, I took care of that.
Turns out matchmaking runs in the family.
Damn it. This is my only good tie.
Oh, honey, that's okay.
Don't touch it. Rub it out with club soda. Be good as new.
¶ I don't know what to do ¶
Adult adam: That's the thing about growing up...
There's those perfect moments where life just surprises you.
For barry, that moment was now.
And for me, I felt that moment
Every time I was with my grandfather. (tires screech)
That's the end of you, optimus.
I literally cannot die!
Adult adam: He was more than my hero.
He was my best friend.
So, what'd you think, kiddo?
I love it.
(bell dings)
Adam: Optimus! No!
(sobs)
We gather here today to witness the burial of optimus prime.
Later that night...
There's no optimus! He's gone!
(dance music playing)
Take the wave from me. What? No. I don't want the wave.
Come on! Take it! Stop it! I don't want it!
No wave.
What the hell? I've been waiting
In the car 10 minutes.
Just watching barry. He's quite the dancer.
Looks like a moron to me.
You can say that again.
Evy, I'm gonna go sit
In the comfortable chairs over there.
Sitting? That sounds good.
Okay, yeah, I see it now.
(dance music playing)