1
00:00:00,800 --> 00:00:02,434
Adult adam:
The school play...
2
00:00:02,436 --> 00:00:03,335
That time-honored tradition
3
00:00:03,337 --> 00:00:05,571
Where a young,
budding performer
can walk the boards
4
00:00:05,573 --> 00:00:08,674
And feel
the hot spotlight
on their face.
5
00:00:08,676 --> 00:00:10,142
Sure, the sets
were flimsy
6
00:00:10,144 --> 00:00:10,843
And the costumes cheap,
7
00:00:10,845 --> 00:00:13,012
But to us,
it might as well
have been broadway.
8
00:00:13,014 --> 00:00:16,782
And I wanted nothing more
than to be a part of it.
9
00:00:16,784 --> 00:00:18,517
Jesus christ superstar!
10
00:00:18,519 --> 00:00:23,122
(gasps) the school
is literally doing
my favorite musical!
11
00:00:23,124 --> 00:00:24,056
It's fate!
12
00:00:24,058 --> 00:00:26,325
You're gonna become
a musical-theater actor!
13
00:00:26,327 --> 00:00:28,827
That's every mother's
dream for her son!
14
00:00:28,829 --> 00:00:30,562
This is perfect.
I know every part.
15
00:00:30,564 --> 00:00:33,432
The question is,
which one do I
audition for?
16
00:00:33,434 --> 00:00:35,934
There is only
one role suitable
17
00:00:35,936 --> 00:00:39,204
For my talented,
delicious little boy.
18
00:00:39,206 --> 00:00:41,840
My baby...Is jesus.
19
00:00:41,842 --> 00:00:43,642
Mmm. Yeah, that's
a pretty demanding part.
20
00:00:43,644 --> 00:00:47,312
Maybe adam would be
more comfortable
playing something like...
21
00:00:47,314 --> 00:00:47,980
Get...
22
00:00:47,982 --> 00:00:49,448
Get out of here!
Hey!
23
00:00:49,450 --> 00:00:53,052
Filling his head
with doubt
and stupid ideas!
24
00:00:53,054 --> 00:00:54,319
I don't know, mom.
25
00:00:54,321 --> 00:00:56,789
It... It really is
a tough part,
26
00:00:56,791 --> 00:00:58,157
And I'm always
in the chorus.
27
00:00:58,159 --> 00:01:02,194
Boopie, I've heard you
sing in the shower,
mm-kay?
28
00:01:02,196 --> 00:01:03,529
Not just heard...
29
00:01:03,531 --> 00:01:04,463
Listened.
30
00:01:04,465 --> 00:01:05,898
Not just listened...
31
00:01:05,900 --> 00:01:06,565
Taped.
32
00:01:06,567 --> 00:01:07,866
And sent to star search.
33
00:01:07,868 --> 00:01:10,669
I got to call them back.
I haven't heard
from ed mcmahon.
34
00:01:10,671 --> 00:01:12,905
I'll just drop him a line,
see what's up.
35
00:01:12,907 --> 00:01:14,073
My baby is a star!
36
00:01:14,075 --> 00:01:16,108
Adult adam:
Who was I to argue
with beverly goldberg?
37
00:01:16,110 --> 00:01:20,913
I took her advice
and auditioned
for the big j.
38
00:01:22,115 --> 00:01:23,916
¶ try not to get worried
39
00:01:23,918 --> 00:01:25,717
¶ try not to turn on to...
40
00:01:25,719 --> 00:01:27,986
¶ problems that upset you...
41
00:01:27,988 --> 00:01:30,289
¶ oh, don't you know...
42
00:01:30,291 --> 00:01:31,824
¶ everything's all right
43
00:01:31,826 --> 00:01:33,225
¶ yes, everything's fine
44
00:01:33,227 --> 00:01:36,929
¶ we want you
to sleep well tonight ¶
45
00:01:37,764 --> 00:01:38,730
Can I start over, please?
46
00:01:38,732 --> 00:01:40,132
¶ and if you try,
we'll get...
47
00:01:40,134 --> 00:01:43,135
¶ by...
So forget all about us...
48
00:01:43,137 --> 00:01:43,802
¶ tonight
49
00:01:43,804 --> 00:01:45,304
¶ yes, everything's
all right
50
00:01:45,306 --> 00:01:49,141
¶ yes, everything's
all right, yes ¶
51
00:01:49,342 --> 00:01:50,809
Well done,
mr. Goldberg.
52
00:01:50,811 --> 00:01:52,611
You've really improved
since last year.
53
00:01:52,613 --> 00:01:54,379
(dramatic music)
54
00:01:56,616 --> 00:01:59,284
Oh, god.
The cast list is up.
55
00:01:59,286 --> 00:02:01,386
Relax.
You always get the lead.
56
00:02:01,388 --> 00:02:02,221
Man, how are you so calm?
57
00:02:02,223 --> 00:02:05,891
Eh, miss cinoman kind of
implied that I blew her mind,
whatever.
58
00:02:05,893 --> 00:02:07,359
All I know is,
there's a good chance
59
00:02:07,361 --> 00:02:10,596
That I'm gonna be the jesus
to your mary.
60
00:02:10,763 --> 00:02:13,665
Adult adam:
It was that classic moment
we've all been through,
61
00:02:13,667 --> 00:02:15,100
Whether it was for sports
or theater.
62
00:02:15,102 --> 00:02:19,404
We've all stood
in front of a list
to find out,
63
00:02:19,406 --> 00:02:20,606
"did I make the cut?"
64
00:02:20,608 --> 00:02:22,541
(gasps) you were right!
I'm mary magdalene!
65
00:02:22,543 --> 00:02:23,909
Adult adam:
I was praying
my name would be
66
00:02:23,911 --> 00:02:27,045
Somewhere at the top
of the list.
67
00:02:27,280 --> 00:02:28,614
Oh, god, no!
68
00:02:28,616 --> 00:02:30,649
Not the dreaded second page!
69
00:02:30,651 --> 00:02:34,386
Yes, I'm jesus!
Son of god, baby!
70
00:02:34,388 --> 00:02:35,420
Oh, that's great.
71
00:02:35,422 --> 00:02:37,923
Um, who did you get,
adam?
72
00:02:38,091 --> 00:02:41,093
Uh, I...
I'll be right back.
73
00:02:41,561 --> 00:02:42,861
Adam: Miss cinoman!
74
00:02:42,863 --> 00:02:45,430
I... I think there's been
some kind of mistake
75
00:02:45,432 --> 00:02:47,733
Because I'm pretty familiar
with the musical,
76
00:02:47,735 --> 00:02:49,568
And there is no
todd the apostle.
77
00:02:49,570 --> 00:02:52,437
Oh, there's no
darnell the apostle, either.
78
00:02:52,439 --> 00:02:53,639
But there was such
a large turnout,
79
00:02:53,641 --> 00:02:56,308
I took the liberty
of expanding
jesus' followers
80
00:02:56,310 --> 00:02:57,009
From 12 to 30.
81
00:02:57,011 --> 00:02:59,278
30? You can't fit
that many people
at the last supper.
82
00:02:59,280 --> 00:03:02,881
Oh, yeah, there's gonna be
another smaller table,
off to the side.
83
00:03:02,883 --> 00:03:05,083
I'm at the kids' table
at the last supper?
84
00:03:05,085 --> 00:03:07,953
I'm sorry.
There was a lot
of competition this year.
85
00:03:07,955 --> 00:03:12,491
Remember, there are
no small parts,
only small actors.
86
00:03:12,493 --> 00:03:14,026
But there are small parts!
87
00:03:14,028 --> 00:03:15,561
Very small! Like todd!
88
00:03:15,563 --> 00:03:18,530
Do not let your heart
be troubled, my child.
89
00:03:18,532 --> 00:03:20,465
Trust...In me.
90
00:03:20,733 --> 00:03:21,833
This putz?
91
00:03:21,835 --> 00:03:24,102
You made this putz jesus?
92
00:03:24,104 --> 00:03:24,503
Unreal!
93
00:03:24,505 --> 00:03:27,706
Adult adam:
Yep, I was once again
shoved into the background.
94
00:03:27,708 --> 00:03:30,642
It was the biggest heartbreak
of my young life.
95
00:03:30,644 --> 00:03:32,277
¶ everything's all right, yes
96
00:03:32,279 --> 00:03:34,079
¶ everything's fine ¶
beverly: Boopie?
97
00:03:34,081 --> 00:03:37,683
(sniffles)
I've been calling.
Meatloaf's ready.
98
00:03:38,151 --> 00:03:39,518
Are you crying?
99
00:03:39,520 --> 00:03:40,819
No.
100
00:03:40,821 --> 00:03:41,653
Who hurt you?
101
00:03:41,655 --> 00:03:43,989
Tell me and I will
hurt them tenfold.
102
00:03:43,991 --> 00:03:45,157
(sobbing)
103
00:03:45,159 --> 00:03:46,725
I didn't get jesus!
104
00:03:46,727 --> 00:03:47,726
I'm a random apostle,
105
00:03:47,728 --> 00:03:51,697
And I'm so sad
'cause I'm not good enough!
106
00:03:52,298 --> 00:03:53,632
I'm gonna ask you
a question
107
00:03:53,634 --> 00:03:57,102
That you need to answer
with complete honesty.
108
00:03:57,537 --> 00:04:01,273
Is there a world
in which you are not
109
00:04:01,275 --> 00:04:05,177
The most deserving child
for this role?
110
00:04:05,378 --> 00:04:06,678
There is
no such world.
111
00:04:06,680 --> 00:04:09,114
Honey,
I can get involved.
112
00:04:09,116 --> 00:04:12,751
I want to get involved.
113
00:04:12,753 --> 00:04:14,953
But I need to know
that's what you want.
114
00:04:14,955 --> 00:04:17,055
Adult adam:
Usually, when my mother
wanted to mix in,
115
00:04:17,057 --> 00:04:18,957
I'd push her away
as far as possible.
116
00:04:18,959 --> 00:04:21,593
This was not one
of those times.
117
00:04:21,595 --> 00:04:24,730
Do it, mama.
Make me jesus.
118
00:04:25,431 --> 00:04:26,665
¶ I'm twisted up inside
119
00:04:26,667 --> 00:04:31,970
¶ but nonetheless
I feel the need to say
120
00:04:32,939 --> 00:04:34,039
¶ I don't know the future
121
00:04:34,041 --> 00:04:37,209
¶ but the past keeps getting
clearer every day ¶
122
00:04:37,211 --> 00:04:38,277
(car horns honking)
ah! Come on!
123
00:04:38,279 --> 00:04:40,045
Adult adam:
It was December 8th,
1980-something...
124
00:04:40,047 --> 00:04:42,447
(screaming)
...And my dad was
driving home from work.
125
00:04:42,449 --> 00:04:43,582
And battling
his mortal enemy...
126
00:04:43,584 --> 00:04:45,784
Green light, people!
...Traffic.
127
00:04:45,786 --> 00:04:47,886
Green light!
Why aren't you moving?
128
00:04:47,888 --> 00:04:49,755
Son of a...
(screaming)
129
00:04:49,757 --> 00:04:51,290
You're letting him in?
130
00:04:51,292 --> 00:04:52,524
He's part of a funeral!
131
00:04:52,526 --> 00:04:53,725
That could be
a hundred cars!
132
00:04:53,727 --> 00:04:57,796
What kind of crossing guard
crosses one kid at a time?
133
00:04:57,798 --> 00:04:58,597
(guard blowing whistle)
134
00:04:58,599 --> 00:04:59,965
You got to group 'em
and herd 'em!
135
00:04:59,967 --> 00:05:03,602
Adult adam: Traffic even came
before his favorite thing
in the world...
136
00:05:03,604 --> 00:05:05,003
Hockey.
Ho, ho, ho, ho!
137
00:05:05,005 --> 00:05:06,638
Best game
I've ever been to.
138
00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:07,406
Best game hands down.
139
00:05:07,408 --> 00:05:10,876
Crowd: (chanting)
let's go, flyers, let's go!
140
00:05:10,878 --> 00:05:14,179
Let's go, flyers,
let's go!
141
00:05:14,181 --> 00:05:15,514
Let's go, flyers...
142
00:05:15,516 --> 00:05:16,381
Let's go.
What?
143
00:05:16,383 --> 00:05:19,117
There's 10 minutes left!
It's a tie game.
We got to stay!
144
00:05:19,119 --> 00:05:19,885
Uh-uh. When the game ends,
145
00:05:19,887 --> 00:05:21,186
We'll be stuck in
the parking lot for six hours!
146
00:05:21,188 --> 00:05:22,788
Let's go!
Adult adam:
That's right.
147
00:05:22,790 --> 00:05:26,358
No one in our family
had ever seen the end of
a game, concert, or show...
148
00:05:26,360 --> 00:05:27,559
Will you just move
your leg?
149
00:05:27,561 --> 00:05:29,661
Adult adam:
Not when my father
had traffic to beat.
150
00:05:29,663 --> 00:05:32,230
29 minutes,
door-to-door!
151
00:05:32,232 --> 00:05:34,066
A brand-new record!
152
00:05:34,068 --> 00:05:35,967
My god, am I jealous
of you two!
153
00:05:35,969 --> 00:05:39,571
Ron hextall
scores the final goal!
154
00:05:39,573 --> 00:05:40,806
Who would've figured that?
155
00:05:40,808 --> 00:05:44,109
Hextall?
No, he's the goalie.
156
00:05:44,111 --> 00:05:45,344
Goalies can't score.
157
00:05:45,346 --> 00:05:46,078
That's what I thought!
158
00:05:46,080 --> 00:05:48,613
The first time
in nhl history,
159
00:05:48,615 --> 00:05:50,515
And you guys
were there!
160
00:05:50,517 --> 00:05:52,184
He's wrong.
Goalies can't score.
161
00:05:52,186 --> 00:05:56,054
Man: And that's the replay
of the greatest goal
in hockey history.
162
00:05:56,056 --> 00:05:58,957
It's one of those moments
that makes you feel
lucky to be alive.
163
00:05:58,959 --> 00:06:00,826
Huh. Goalies can score.
164
00:06:01,694 --> 00:06:02,027
You!
165
00:06:02,029 --> 00:06:03,462
Really? You're gonna make
a thing out of this?
166
00:06:03,464 --> 00:06:06,098
You made me miss
the greatest moment
of my life!
167
00:06:06,100 --> 00:06:10,302
And for what? Traffic?
It isn't that bad!
168
00:06:10,304 --> 00:06:11,436
Stop right there!
169
00:06:11,438 --> 00:06:13,271
You should be
thanking me.
170
00:06:13,273 --> 00:06:14,606
Thanking you?
For what?
171
00:06:14,608 --> 00:06:17,042
You don't know the traffic
that I've seen!
172
00:06:17,044 --> 00:06:19,911
Miles of cars
lined up for hours,
173
00:06:19,913 --> 00:06:21,012
Horns blaring!
174
00:06:21,014 --> 00:06:22,247
I know what traffic is!
175
00:06:22,249 --> 00:06:24,216
Grown men
with their shirts off
176
00:06:24,218 --> 00:06:26,985
Walking around
'cause it's so damn hot!
177
00:06:26,987 --> 00:06:29,588
An ac's not meant
to run that long.
178
00:06:29,590 --> 00:06:30,489
It's not!
179
00:06:30,491 --> 00:06:31,923
It's hockey season!
180
00:06:31,925 --> 00:06:32,491
It's cold outside!
181
00:06:32,493 --> 00:06:34,793
No one gets shirtless!
You want
to know something?
182
00:06:34,795 --> 00:06:35,527
If I could,
183
00:06:35,529 --> 00:06:38,897
I'd go back in time
and do it all over again.
184
00:06:38,899 --> 00:06:40,732
As a matter of fact,
I'd leave earlier!
185
00:06:40,734 --> 00:06:43,168
That's what you'd do
with a time machine?
186
00:06:43,170 --> 00:06:45,604
You'd go back
and miss traffic?
187
00:06:45,606 --> 00:06:47,472
You wouldn't help people?
188
00:06:47,474 --> 00:06:48,907
Save president lincoln?
189
00:06:48,909 --> 00:06:50,008
Oh, I'd help abe!
190
00:06:50,010 --> 00:06:50,709
I'd go to the theater,
191
00:06:50,711 --> 00:06:53,111
I'd say, "hey, man,
you ought to leave
early tonight.
192
00:06:53,113 --> 00:06:55,714
"traffic's horrible!
Trust me!"
193
00:06:55,716 --> 00:06:57,115
Boom! Just saved his life!
194
00:06:57,117 --> 00:06:59,518
Adult adam: While my dad
was sticking to his guns,
195
00:06:59,520 --> 00:07:03,121
My mom was in
the principal's office
with hers blazing.
196
00:07:03,123 --> 00:07:04,589
She stormed
into my drama class,
197
00:07:04,591 --> 00:07:06,258
Ranting at me
like a crazy person.
198
00:07:06,260 --> 00:07:10,462
We had to do
a 45-minute massage train
just to calm me down.
199
00:07:10,464 --> 00:07:11,263
Well, that's on you.
200
00:07:11,265 --> 00:07:12,697
I mean, you wouldn't
know a good jesus
201
00:07:12,699 --> 00:07:14,833
If he walked right in here
and punched you in the face.
202
00:07:14,835 --> 00:07:16,435
Ball: Okay.
203
00:07:16,602 --> 00:07:20,372
I'm glad to see that
we're all calm now.
204
00:07:20,640 --> 00:07:22,841
Some...Ugly things
were said.
205
00:07:22,843 --> 00:07:24,009
(scoffs)
206
00:07:24,011 --> 00:07:25,010
And done.
207
00:07:25,012 --> 00:07:26,411
Mostly by mrs. Goldberg.
208
00:07:26,413 --> 00:07:27,212
Look, I am sorry.
209
00:07:27,214 --> 00:07:30,682
Adam is very enthusiastic,
and he works so hard.
210
00:07:30,684 --> 00:07:34,486
He's just not as skilled
as like, say, dave kim.
211
00:07:34,488 --> 00:07:36,822
If I may,
I just have one question.
212
00:07:36,824 --> 00:07:38,957
Are you (bleep)
kidding me?
213
00:07:38,959 --> 00:07:40,158
Whoa, whoa!
Cinoman: Hey!
214
00:07:40,160 --> 00:07:42,227
Out of line!
Ball: Mrs. Goldberg.
215
00:07:42,229 --> 00:07:43,895
Mrs. Goldberg,
this is a school.
216
00:07:43,897 --> 00:07:45,363
We can't speak like that.
217
00:07:45,365 --> 00:07:46,264
Well, hear this.
218
00:07:46,266 --> 00:07:51,336
My son will be starring
in his own school musical.
219
00:07:51,338 --> 00:07:52,437
His what?
220
00:07:52,439 --> 00:07:53,438
What does that even mean?
221
00:07:53,440 --> 00:07:54,706
(mockingly)
"what does that
even mean?"
222
00:07:54,708 --> 00:07:55,774
That's how you sound.
(exclaims)
223
00:07:55,776 --> 00:07:59,411
It means adam will be
putting on a rival play.
224
00:07:59,413 --> 00:08:02,214
Yeah, well...
Well, here's the thing.
225
00:08:02,216 --> 00:08:03,748
This is
junior-high theater,
226
00:08:03,750 --> 00:08:06,084
And we have a budget
for one play,
227
00:08:06,086 --> 00:08:08,420
And even that's a struggle
to fill seats.
228
00:08:08,422 --> 00:08:09,821
Tell me something, earl.
229
00:08:09,823 --> 00:08:12,157
Uh, how's your wife?
230
00:08:13,893 --> 00:08:15,160
She's fine.
231
00:08:15,162 --> 00:08:16,261
Lovely woman.
232
00:08:16,263 --> 00:08:17,329
Pam, is it?
233
00:08:17,331 --> 00:08:19,798
Remind me again
how you two got together.
234
00:08:19,800 --> 00:08:22,400
Well, you knew her
from jazzercise class.
235
00:08:22,402 --> 00:08:24,769
You introduced us.
236
00:08:24,771 --> 00:08:26,137
Did I, now?
237
00:08:26,139 --> 00:08:26,872
Oh.
238
00:08:26,874 --> 00:08:28,106
And how was the wedding?
239
00:08:28,108 --> 00:08:28,840
You were at the wedding.
240
00:08:28,842 --> 00:08:31,943
You made a speech,
even though nobody
asked you to.
241
00:08:31,945 --> 00:08:33,278
Well, from what
I remember,
242
00:08:33,280 --> 00:08:34,379
That was the night
you said,
243
00:08:34,381 --> 00:08:36,214
"how can I
ever repay you?"
244
00:08:36,216 --> 00:08:39,851
And I said, "one day,
I will come to you,
245
00:08:39,853 --> 00:08:41,186
"and I will ask you
for a favor."
246
00:08:41,188 --> 00:08:45,423
And you said,
"but of course, beverly.
247
00:08:45,425 --> 00:08:47,425
"but of course."
248
00:08:48,027 --> 00:08:50,362
That day is today.
249
00:08:51,531 --> 00:08:52,397
What's going on?
250
00:08:52,399 --> 00:08:55,700
Adam is starring
in a rival play.
251
00:08:59,205 --> 00:09:00,539
I'm home!
252
00:09:00,541 --> 00:09:01,206
Come on, murray!
253
00:09:01,208 --> 00:09:04,442
A very special
love boat is almost on!
254
00:09:04,444 --> 00:09:07,112
They're docking
at fantasy island!
255
00:09:07,114 --> 00:09:08,013
They're crossing over!
256
00:09:08,015 --> 00:09:10,215
Oh, my god!
That's unprecedented!
257
00:09:10,217 --> 00:09:12,484
(panting)
all right.
258
00:09:12,486 --> 00:09:13,985
Gimme the remote.
259
00:09:13,987 --> 00:09:14,719
What? I thought you had it.
260
00:09:14,721 --> 00:09:16,321
I just came in the door!
Why would I have a remote?
261
00:09:16,323 --> 00:09:18,523
I... I don't know.
I figured you took it
to work.
262
00:09:18,525 --> 00:09:19,958
Why would I take
the remote to work?
263
00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:22,394
Who the hell knows?
You're a quirky guy.
264
00:09:22,396 --> 00:09:25,730
Fine. I'll use my hand
like an animal.
265
00:09:26,899 --> 00:09:27,599
Where's the knob?
266
00:09:27,601 --> 00:09:30,268
Do you mean
this knob?
267
00:09:30,270 --> 00:09:31,236
I'm so sorry.
268
00:09:31,238 --> 00:09:33,505
Are you missing
something historical?
269
00:09:33,507 --> 00:09:34,906
Perhaps a crossover event
270
00:09:34,908 --> 00:09:37,008
Of your two favorite shows
that you'll never see,
271
00:09:37,010 --> 00:09:39,044
And it will haunt you
for the rest of your life?
272
00:09:39,046 --> 00:09:40,445
Gimme the knob.
No.
273
00:09:40,447 --> 00:09:41,179
Gimme the knob!
No. No.
274
00:09:41,181 --> 00:09:43,014
Gimme the knob!
Gimme the knob!
No. No.
275
00:09:43,016 --> 00:09:44,416
(shouting) gimme the knob!
276
00:09:44,418 --> 00:09:45,083
No. No. No.
277
00:09:45,085 --> 00:09:46,651
You took something
I love.
278
00:09:46,653 --> 00:09:47,819
Now I'm taking something
you love.
279
00:09:47,821 --> 00:09:51,389
Well, what about me?
I'm just an innocent
bystander!
280
00:09:51,391 --> 00:09:53,425
Sorry, pops.
Wrong place, wrong time.
281
00:09:53,427 --> 00:09:55,627
But I got to see
this show.
282
00:09:55,629 --> 00:09:59,197
Tattoo and gopher
in the same room.
283
00:09:59,199 --> 00:09:59,831
How's that gonna end?
284
00:09:59,833 --> 00:10:02,667
You are grounded, moron.
Six months!
285
00:10:02,669 --> 00:10:05,103
Fine! I'm never
going to a hockey game
with you again.
286
00:10:05,105 --> 00:10:09,040
But you...
You can't do that.
Hockey's our thing.
287
00:10:09,042 --> 00:10:09,908
Not anymore.
288
00:10:09,910 --> 00:10:10,642
Gimme the knob.
No.
289
00:10:10,644 --> 00:10:12,444
Gimme the knob.
Gimme the knob.
No. No. No.
290
00:10:12,446 --> 00:10:14,646
(shouting)
gimme the knob!
Fine!
291
00:10:15,114 --> 00:10:16,314
Adult adam: So, my dad
finally got the remote,
292
00:10:16,316 --> 00:10:20,151
But he lost
his favorite thing
to do with his son.
293
00:10:20,153 --> 00:10:22,454
Forever.
(television clicks)
294
00:10:23,122 --> 00:10:24,923
Adam: I can't believe
I'm doing a rival play!
295
00:10:24,925 --> 00:10:27,392
Now the question is,
what's our show?
296
00:10:27,394 --> 00:10:28,660
(stammering)
it's got to be big.
297
00:10:28,662 --> 00:10:29,361
Bigger than jesus.
298
00:10:29,363 --> 00:10:31,029
Music man?
(scoffs) yawn.
299
00:10:31,031 --> 00:10:31,930
Guys and dolls?
Seen it.
300
00:10:31,932 --> 00:10:34,532
Phantom?
You want to cover
half of this face?
301
00:10:34,534 --> 00:10:35,900
Wait!
What?
302
00:10:35,902 --> 00:10:37,502
It's so obvious.
303
00:10:37,504 --> 00:10:38,637
Who wants to waste
their evening
304
00:10:38,639 --> 00:10:41,840
Sitting through
a silly musical
about bible times
305
00:10:41,842 --> 00:10:44,109
When they can go
to the future?
306
00:10:44,111 --> 00:10:44,643
The future.
307
00:10:44,645 --> 00:10:48,513
Our musical is going
to be an experience
of sight and sound
308
00:10:48,515 --> 00:10:51,916
With actors
not in common shoes,
309
00:10:51,918 --> 00:10:53,351
But roller skates,
310
00:10:53,353 --> 00:10:55,787
A story not about people,
311
00:10:55,789 --> 00:10:57,889
Something bigger.
312
00:10:57,891 --> 00:10:59,424
Trains.
Trains.
313
00:10:59,426 --> 00:11:01,393
Starlight express!
314
00:11:01,395 --> 00:11:02,293
(gasps)
315
00:11:02,295 --> 00:11:02,994
(screaming)
316
00:11:02,996 --> 00:11:04,996
(stammering)
look at my arm!
Ooh.
317
00:11:04,998 --> 00:11:06,631
Goosebumps.
Ooh!
318
00:11:06,633 --> 00:11:07,165
(both laughing)
319
00:11:07,167 --> 00:11:09,534
All right!
Well, all we need
is a cast.
320
00:11:09,536 --> 00:11:13,238
Actually, I know a mighty
talented girl named dana
321
00:11:13,240 --> 00:11:16,241
Who'd follow me
to the ends of the earth.
322
00:11:16,243 --> 00:11:18,109
Uh, no.
323
00:11:18,411 --> 00:11:19,210
We need to keep looking.
324
00:11:19,212 --> 00:11:20,612
Well, we don't have
a lot of options
325
00:11:20,614 --> 00:11:22,981
When it comes
to leading ladies.
326
00:11:22,983 --> 00:11:26,051
I suppose I could maybe
be the one to...
327
00:11:26,053 --> 00:11:27,052
You cannot.
328
00:11:27,054 --> 00:11:29,054
This is a show
for children.
329
00:11:29,056 --> 00:11:30,622
Got it.
330
00:11:30,624 --> 00:11:33,358
(sighs)
well, if it can't be me...
331
00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:36,294
And I think
we've ruled that out.
332
00:11:36,296 --> 00:11:38,029
We have.
Right.
333
00:11:38,031 --> 00:11:41,466
How about
the closest thing to me?
334
00:11:42,601 --> 00:11:43,601
(screams)
335
00:11:43,603 --> 00:11:44,636
Hello, daughter.
Have a seat.
336
00:11:44,638 --> 00:11:49,107
I just happened
to be digging around
in your closet,
337
00:11:49,109 --> 00:11:50,909
And guess what I found.
338
00:11:50,911 --> 00:11:52,210
Three beers,
339
00:11:52,212 --> 00:11:53,078
A fake id,
340
00:11:53,080 --> 00:11:54,145
And sick notes
for school
341
00:11:54,147 --> 00:11:56,114
That I don't remember
writing.
342
00:11:56,116 --> 00:11:59,718
There is
a simple explanation
for all of that.
343
00:12:00,119 --> 00:12:02,120
I just need half an hour
to collect my thoughts.
344
00:12:02,122 --> 00:12:04,823
Perhaps there's a world
where I could overlook
all this.
345
00:12:04,825 --> 00:12:08,326
Really?
I can give you a pass
this time.
346
00:12:08,328 --> 00:12:09,461
Just know
that one day,
347
00:12:09,463 --> 00:12:12,931
I will come to you
and ask you for a favor.
348
00:12:12,933 --> 00:12:14,599
Yeah, great.
That's totally fair.
349
00:12:14,601 --> 00:12:16,201
And that day
is right now.
350
00:12:16,203 --> 00:12:18,903
Adult adam: While my mom
was forcing erica
to do the musical,
351
00:12:18,905 --> 00:12:23,341
My dad had forced pops
to replace barry.
352
00:12:23,676 --> 00:12:25,677
You're crowding me.
Come on, man.
353
00:12:25,679 --> 00:12:28,179
Your... Your jacket's
puffing into my side.
354
00:12:28,181 --> 00:12:30,548
So what?
It's cold as hell in here.
355
00:12:30,550 --> 00:12:33,785
You think you can get them
to turn the heat on?
356
00:12:33,787 --> 00:12:37,088
No! There's a huge
block of ice out there!
357
00:12:37,090 --> 00:12:40,358
Ugh! What's that
terrible smell?
358
00:12:40,360 --> 00:12:41,025
What are you eating?
359
00:12:41,027 --> 00:12:43,862
I made myself
a whitefish-salad sandwich.
360
00:12:43,864 --> 00:12:44,996
Well, it's wafting!
361
00:12:44,998 --> 00:12:47,365
Barry and I get hot dogs
because they don't waft!
362
00:12:47,367 --> 00:12:51,136
You know, I don't think
this is about the whitefish
363
00:12:51,138 --> 00:12:52,704
Or this giant thermos
364
00:12:52,706 --> 00:12:54,539
Of borscht
I'm about to open.
365
00:12:54,541 --> 00:12:58,343
I think
this is about barry.
366
00:12:58,345 --> 00:12:59,144
Oh, please. It is not.
367
00:12:59,146 --> 00:13:02,247
It's obvious you want
to be here with him.
368
00:13:02,249 --> 00:13:02,781
(sighs)
369
00:13:02,783 --> 00:13:06,384
Well, I... I do
miss the moron a little.
370
00:13:06,386 --> 00:13:07,385
Hockey was our thing.
371
00:13:07,387 --> 00:13:10,622
Then just sit
in traffic already.
372
00:13:10,624 --> 00:13:11,956
It's that simple.
373
00:13:11,958 --> 00:13:13,691
Traffic is non-negotiable.
374
00:13:13,693 --> 00:13:17,195
Murray, sometimes
you have to do things
you hate
375
00:13:17,197 --> 00:13:20,131
For the people
that you love.
I know.
376
00:13:20,133 --> 00:13:22,934
Like how I'm here
with you now.
377
00:13:24,136 --> 00:13:27,772
Adult adam:
As much as my dad hated
the sweet stink of borscht...
378
00:13:27,774 --> 00:13:28,506
Oh! Oh, that smell.
379
00:13:28,508 --> 00:13:31,976
He was still too stubborn
to give in.
380
00:13:33,112 --> 00:13:34,579
Welcome to
the first rehearsal
381
00:13:34,581 --> 00:13:36,714
Of the disco-pop
masterpiece
382
00:13:36,716 --> 00:13:37,982
Starlight express.
383
00:13:37,984 --> 00:13:40,618
(chuckles)
as you know,
I'm adam goldberg,
384
00:13:40,620 --> 00:13:43,321
Your director
and leading man.
385
00:13:43,323 --> 00:13:44,222
And now please welcome
386
00:13:44,224 --> 00:13:48,059
My choreographer/
assistant/mom,
387
00:13:48,061 --> 00:13:50,295
Beverly goldberg.
388
00:13:50,297 --> 00:13:51,629
Hmm.
389
00:13:51,964 --> 00:13:54,532
Now, I need you all
to pay real close attention,
390
00:13:54,534 --> 00:13:56,701
'cause I only want
to do this once, okay?
391
00:13:56,703 --> 00:13:58,169
It's like
I want to scream and run,
392
00:13:58,171 --> 00:14:00,438
But I also want to see
what happens next.
393
00:14:00,440 --> 00:14:02,407
Beverly: Five, six,
seven, eight!
394
00:14:02,409 --> 00:14:04,142
Starlight express!
395
00:14:04,144 --> 00:14:05,443
Starlight express!
396
00:14:05,445 --> 00:14:08,680
The name of the show
is starlight express.
397
00:14:08,682 --> 00:14:09,881
Smoking car.
398
00:14:09,883 --> 00:14:11,049
Smoking car.
399
00:14:11,051 --> 00:14:12,116
Dining car!
400
00:14:12,118 --> 00:14:13,218
Dining car!
401
00:14:13,220 --> 00:14:14,285
Sleeping car.
402
00:14:14,287 --> 00:14:15,019
Sleeping car.
403
00:14:15,021 --> 00:14:16,454
I think I can!
I think I can!
404
00:14:16,456 --> 00:14:18,156
I think I can! Smile!
405
00:14:18,158 --> 00:14:19,858
(vocalizing)
406
00:14:19,860 --> 00:14:22,927
There's a hobo
on the train.
407
00:14:23,629 --> 00:14:25,496
(scattered applause)
408
00:14:25,931 --> 00:14:27,966
What fun.
Thank you.
409
00:14:27,968 --> 00:14:30,802
(sighs) all right.
Everybody got it?
410
00:14:30,804 --> 00:14:31,603
Let's see it!
411
00:14:31,605 --> 00:14:33,738
Five, six,
seven, eight!
412
00:14:33,740 --> 00:14:35,874
Starlight express!
413
00:14:35,876 --> 00:14:37,508
Starlight express!
414
00:14:37,510 --> 00:14:39,644
Ah, I like how some of you
are going forwards
415
00:14:39,646 --> 00:14:42,714
And some of you
are going sideways.
416
00:14:42,716 --> 00:14:44,382
Train hands.
417
00:14:44,650 --> 00:14:47,151
Starlight express!
418
00:14:47,419 --> 00:14:48,953
Starlight express.
419
00:14:48,955 --> 00:14:53,524
Wow. You seriously think
this is worth it?
420
00:14:54,560 --> 00:14:56,094
Thank you for
this wonderful gift, mama.
421
00:14:56,096 --> 00:15:01,165
Adult adam:
Sure, it was a train wreck,
but she had my undying love.
422
00:15:01,167 --> 00:15:03,668
It's totally worth it.
423
00:15:04,770 --> 00:15:07,605
Adult adam:
The opening night
of starlight express
424
00:15:07,607 --> 00:15:09,073
Was quickly approaching,
425
00:15:09,075 --> 00:15:10,041
And I was melting down
426
00:15:10,043 --> 00:15:12,277
'cause our show
was going off the rails.
427
00:15:12,279 --> 00:15:15,513
Beverly: Three, four,
five, six, seven, eight!
428
00:15:15,515 --> 00:15:17,815
Join on! Get there!
429
00:15:17,817 --> 00:15:18,850
Get there!
430
00:15:18,852 --> 00:15:20,952
What?
(grunts)
431
00:15:23,889 --> 00:15:25,123
Are you kidding me
right now?
432
00:15:25,125 --> 00:15:28,960
You're going too fast,
and I couldn't hook in.
433
00:15:28,962 --> 00:15:30,061
And I'm fine. Thanks.
434
00:15:30,063 --> 00:15:32,263
Uh, I...
I think we need
to take five.
435
00:15:32,265 --> 00:15:35,166
Do you think superstar
is taking five?
436
00:15:35,168 --> 00:15:36,401
No! They sold out!
437
00:15:36,403 --> 00:15:39,003
And how many tickets
have we sold, tyler?
438
00:15:39,005 --> 00:15:39,671
Seven.
439
00:15:39,673 --> 00:15:42,140
Seven tickets!
And do you know why?
440
00:15:42,142 --> 00:15:46,511
It's because some of you,
who shall remain nameless,
441
00:15:46,513 --> 00:15:47,478
Have no talent.
442
00:15:47,480 --> 00:15:50,481
Sanjeev, darlene, ethel,
skinny david, other david.
443
00:15:50,483 --> 00:15:51,282
You know what, adam?
444
00:15:51,284 --> 00:15:54,152
I'm not taking five.
I'm quitting.
445
00:15:54,787 --> 00:15:58,356
Fine! Quit!
We don't need you!
446
00:15:58,524 --> 00:15:59,490
(groans) aw, wait!
447
00:15:59,492 --> 00:16:02,293
She's the caboose!
Mom, stop her!
448
00:16:02,695 --> 00:16:03,928
Hey.
449
00:16:03,930 --> 00:16:04,595
'sup?
450
00:16:04,597 --> 00:16:05,563
I haven't seen you
in a while.
451
00:16:05,565 --> 00:16:08,566
I know you've
been super busy,
but I miss you.
452
00:16:08,568 --> 00:16:11,002
Maybe later
we could grab a bite?
453
00:16:11,737 --> 00:16:13,237
Who sent you?
What?
454
00:16:13,239 --> 00:16:13,905
Was it miss cinoman?
455
00:16:13,907 --> 00:16:16,074
'cause this has
her cinoman-y stink
all over it.
456
00:16:16,076 --> 00:16:17,842
I'm not
spying on you, adam.
457
00:16:17,844 --> 00:16:19,744
That's exactly
what a spy would say.
458
00:16:19,746 --> 00:16:22,347
Oh, whatever.
I'm gonna go.
459
00:16:22,349 --> 00:16:24,882
Honey, you need
to go apologize.
460
00:16:24,884 --> 00:16:26,150
I have to apologize?
461
00:16:26,152 --> 00:16:28,619
Have you seen
your choreography?
462
00:16:28,887 --> 00:16:29,787
Back to one, people!
463
00:16:29,789 --> 00:16:31,723
Adult adam:
In that moment,
my mom realized
464
00:16:31,725 --> 00:16:33,958
She didn't make
her little boy a star.
465
00:16:33,960 --> 00:16:35,393
She made him a monster.
466
00:16:35,395 --> 00:16:38,463
Meanwhile, my dad
was still being
monstrously stubborn.
467
00:16:38,465 --> 00:16:42,066
Out of options, he brought
his favorite employee, vic,
468
00:16:42,068 --> 00:16:43,234
To the next game.
469
00:16:43,236 --> 00:16:45,103
Whoa.
Right on the glass.
470
00:16:45,105 --> 00:16:46,604
Best seats
for my best pal.
471
00:16:46,606 --> 00:16:48,039
Hey, not bad.
Thank you.
472
00:16:48,041 --> 00:16:52,210
Announcer: Please stand
for the canadian
national anthem.
473
00:16:52,212 --> 00:16:56,581
¶ o canada
474
00:16:56,583 --> 00:17:01,285
¶ my home
and native land... ¶
475
00:17:01,287 --> 00:17:02,020
What are you doing?
476
00:17:02,022 --> 00:17:06,090
I'm singing the song
of my country.
What country?
477
00:17:06,092 --> 00:17:06,557
Canada.
478
00:17:06,559 --> 00:17:09,394
I'm from edmonton.
I've told you...
479
00:17:09,396 --> 00:17:10,294
Oh, forget it.
480
00:17:10,296 --> 00:17:14,532
(off-key)
¶ o canada
481
00:17:14,900 --> 00:17:17,001
¶ we stand on guard
482
00:17:17,003 --> 00:17:18,536
(crowd boos)
483
00:17:18,538 --> 00:17:19,270
¶ for thee ¶
484
00:17:19,272 --> 00:17:20,972
Adult adam:
As 10,000 people
booed my father,
485
00:17:20,974 --> 00:17:24,008
He officially realized
how much he missed barry.
486
00:17:24,010 --> 00:17:25,676
(crowd jeering)
what are you doing?
487
00:17:25,678 --> 00:17:28,079
Adult adam:
Back at home,
my mom missed the days
488
00:17:28,081 --> 00:17:31,983
When I was happy just to be
a schmo in the chorus.
489
00:17:31,985 --> 00:17:33,885
Sorry I quit the play.
490
00:17:34,219 --> 00:17:36,087
But in my defense...
491
00:17:36,089 --> 00:17:38,122
It's a turd on wheels.
492
00:17:38,124 --> 00:17:39,123
Oh, it really is.
493
00:17:39,125 --> 00:17:42,860
How did my sweet, little boy
turn into such a monster?
494
00:17:42,862 --> 00:17:46,531
You shifted the world
so it entirely revolves
around him.
495
00:17:46,533 --> 00:17:48,232
Of course!
It's what I do!
496
00:17:48,234 --> 00:17:51,569
But usually
someone steps in
and stops me.
497
00:17:51,571 --> 00:17:53,838
Look, I know adam's
your little superstar,
498
00:17:53,840 --> 00:17:56,841
But there's a reason
he's always in the chorus.
499
00:17:56,843 --> 00:17:58,042
Well, I can't
tell him that.
500
00:17:58,044 --> 00:18:00,478
It would shatter
his precious heart.
501
00:18:00,480 --> 00:18:01,512
Aw.
502
00:18:01,514 --> 00:18:03,648
Lucky for you, I can.
503
00:18:03,650 --> 00:18:06,017
(spray can hisses)
504
00:18:06,919 --> 00:18:07,685
Hey, buddy.
505
00:18:07,687 --> 00:18:11,589
Mom needs to tell you
something about the show.
506
00:18:14,026 --> 00:18:15,493
She thinks it sucks.
507
00:18:15,495 --> 00:18:16,327
What?
508
00:18:16,329 --> 00:18:17,128
Don't get her wrong,
509
00:18:17,130 --> 00:18:19,130
She thinks you're
the most talented,
delicious boy
510
00:18:19,132 --> 00:18:22,700
In the whole world,
who deserves
to be the star.
511
00:18:23,235 --> 00:18:25,670
But no one else does.
512
00:18:26,705 --> 00:18:27,371
Mom?
513
00:18:27,373 --> 00:18:28,973
(stammering)
is this true?
514
00:18:28,975 --> 00:18:31,175
Honey, I, uh...
515
00:18:31,177 --> 00:18:34,278
I think we both got
a little bit carried away.
516
00:18:34,280 --> 00:18:35,746
Maybe a little.
517
00:18:35,748 --> 00:18:37,648
I know how much
you want this,
518
00:18:37,650 --> 00:18:40,718
And I want this for you.
519
00:18:40,720 --> 00:18:43,154
But sometimes...
520
00:18:43,156 --> 00:18:44,355
You just got to be
todd the apostle.
521
00:18:44,357 --> 00:18:48,092
Adult adam: Hearing that,
coming from the woman
who loved me too much,
522
00:18:48,094 --> 00:18:51,529
Meant that it was time
for me to hang up my skates.
523
00:18:51,531 --> 00:18:53,531
It's probably for the best.
524
00:18:53,533 --> 00:18:54,799
Dana's not talking to me,
525
00:18:54,801 --> 00:18:57,568
And sanjeev
did break his collarbone.
526
00:18:57,936 --> 00:19:00,838
But thanks for always
believing in me, mama.
527
00:19:00,840 --> 00:19:04,442
(sighs) even when
you probably shouldn't.
528
00:19:08,113 --> 00:19:10,081
I'll never stop.
529
00:19:16,388 --> 00:19:18,890
Hey.
Busy.
530
00:19:19,158 --> 00:19:24,529
Too busy for
the greatest rivalry
in the history of hockey?
531
00:19:24,531 --> 00:19:27,698
The flyers-rangers game?
No way!
532
00:19:28,700 --> 00:19:30,701
Still not interested.
533
00:19:30,802 --> 00:19:32,270
What if we stay
till the end?
534
00:19:32,272 --> 00:19:34,138
And get stuck
in traffic?
535
00:19:34,140 --> 00:19:36,107
Why would you
ever do that?
536
00:19:36,842 --> 00:19:38,709
I miss you.
537
00:19:39,378 --> 00:19:40,411
Say it again.
538
00:19:40,413 --> 00:19:41,279
(scoffs) no.
539
00:19:41,281 --> 00:19:44,515
You love me more
than you hate traffic.
Say it!
540
00:19:44,517 --> 00:19:45,550
You're a moron.
541
00:19:45,552 --> 00:19:46,584
Say the words.
No.
542
00:19:46,586 --> 00:19:47,685
Say the words.
No.
543
00:19:47,687 --> 00:19:48,986
Say the words.
Say the words.
No. No. No.
544
00:19:48,988 --> 00:19:50,588
Say the words.
Say the words.
No. No. No.
545
00:19:50,590 --> 00:19:52,089
Say the words.
Say the words.
No. No. No.
546
00:19:52,091 --> 00:19:53,925
Adult adam: My dad
never said the words,
547
00:19:53,927 --> 00:19:54,926
But barry knew
he meant them
548
00:19:54,928 --> 00:19:56,994
When he heard
the final buzzer.
549
00:19:56,996 --> 00:19:58,029
(buzzer buzzing)
550
00:19:58,031 --> 00:19:58,596
(all cheering)
551
00:19:58,598 --> 00:20:00,198
Adult adam: It wasn't
a historical hockey moment,
552
00:20:00,200 --> 00:20:02,667
But it was
a historical night
for the goldberg's...
553
00:20:02,669 --> 00:20:06,504
The first time any of us
saw the end of a game.
554
00:20:06,506 --> 00:20:09,407
And, sure, they got stuck
in traffic for two hours
555
00:20:09,409 --> 00:20:11,342
And complained
the whole time...
556
00:20:11,344 --> 00:20:13,945
Murray: Whoa! What?
What is she doing?
557
00:20:13,947 --> 00:20:14,478
(groaning)
558
00:20:14,480 --> 00:20:15,646
Adult adam:
But my dad didn't care
559
00:20:15,648 --> 00:20:20,785
'cause it meant being stuck
for two hours with his kid.
560
00:20:20,787 --> 00:20:22,687
And turns out,
miss cinoman was right.
561
00:20:22,689 --> 00:20:24,922
There are no small roles,
562
00:20:24,924 --> 00:20:26,457
Only small actors.
563
00:20:26,459 --> 00:20:27,158
(audience applauding)
564
00:20:27,160 --> 00:20:30,061
I was the greatest
30th apostle
at the kids' table
565
00:20:30,063 --> 00:20:31,262
The world had ever seen.
566
00:20:31,264 --> 00:20:34,198
I love you,
todd the apostle!
567
00:20:34,200 --> 00:20:37,368
Adult adam:
And it felt great.
568
00:20:37,370 --> 00:20:39,537
Beverly: Whoo!
569
00:20:41,506 --> 00:20:43,641
(dinging)
570
00:20:47,346 --> 00:20:51,682
¶ can it be
what it seems?
571
00:20:51,684 --> 00:20:55,419
¶ there will be
no more love
572
00:20:55,421 --> 00:20:59,290
¶ there will be
no more dreams ¶
573
00:21:02,094 --> 00:21:02,927
(shouting) come on!
574
00:21:02,929 --> 00:21:06,197
Green light, people!
Green light!
575
00:21:06,199 --> 00:21:08,199
One car went through!
576
00:21:08,201 --> 00:21:09,400
One car!
577
00:21:09,402 --> 00:21:11,135
Move it, lady!
578
00:21:11,137 --> 00:21:12,837
What are you,
sally field?
579
00:21:12,839 --> 00:21:14,739
Put your makeup on
at home!
580
00:21:14,741 --> 00:21:16,607
Oh, there's a baby
on board?
581
00:21:16,609 --> 00:21:20,544
I'll tell you what,
there's a moron on board!
582
00:21:20,546 --> 00:21:21,045
Moron!
583
00:21:21,047 --> 00:21:23,180
Son of a...
(screaming)
584
00:21:23,182 --> 00:21:24,548
(screaming)
585
00:21:24,550 --> 00:21:26,217
Car full of morons!