1
00:00:00,667 --> 00:00:01,700
Adult adam:
Back in the '80s,
2
00:00:01,702 --> 00:00:04,169
You only had three options
for birthday parties...
3
00:00:04,171 --> 00:00:06,438
Roller skating,
chuck e. Cheese,
4
00:00:06,440 --> 00:00:08,640
Or seeing
a wildly inappropriate movie
5
00:00:08,642 --> 00:00:11,610
Because your parents
didn't know any better.
6
00:00:11,612 --> 00:00:12,711
And then...
7
00:00:12,713 --> 00:00:13,779
Everything changed!
8
00:00:13,781 --> 00:00:15,447
We're playing
laser tag tonight, people.
9
00:00:15,449 --> 00:00:17,116
I know.
It's gonna be awesome!
10
00:00:17,118 --> 00:00:20,352
But you know what's
gonna make it even more fun?
11
00:00:20,354 --> 00:00:21,987
Protective
cornea goggles.
12
00:00:21,989 --> 00:00:24,990
No. No way. Why the hell do
I need to protect my corneas?
13
00:00:24,992 --> 00:00:29,495
Because sue nagleman's son
lost his eye to a laser beam.
14
00:00:29,497 --> 00:00:31,897
It wasn't a laser.
It was a taser.
15
00:00:31,899 --> 00:00:33,932
And you don't talk back
to cops.
16
00:00:33,934 --> 00:00:35,034
It's safe, mom.
17
00:00:35,036 --> 00:00:35,834
Laser tag's for little kids.
18
00:00:35,836 --> 00:00:40,406
For your information,
there are many adults
that enjoy playing laser tag.
19
00:00:40,408 --> 00:00:41,607
I admit,
they look kind of weird
20
00:00:41,609 --> 00:00:43,175
Waiting on
that single-player bench,
21
00:00:43,177 --> 00:00:46,478
With their desperate eyes
just staring at you.
22
00:00:46,480 --> 00:00:47,079
(sighs)
23
00:00:47,081 --> 00:00:48,714
Whatever!
It's fun for everyone!
24
00:00:48,716 --> 00:00:50,382
But mostly
dorky, little kids.
25
00:00:50,384 --> 00:00:52,184
Well, I'll never
be a fan of lasers,
26
00:00:52,186 --> 00:00:54,920
But my scrumptious,
little snuggle monster
27
00:00:54,922 --> 00:00:57,322
Gets whatever he wants
on his birthday.
28
00:00:57,324 --> 00:00:59,425
I want you to stop calling me
"snuggle monster".
29
00:00:59,427 --> 00:01:02,995
Can't give you that.
But I can... Give you this.
30
00:01:02,997 --> 00:01:05,230
(singsong voice)
it's present time!
31
00:01:05,232 --> 00:01:07,733
What the heck
is a sleeping angel book?
32
00:01:07,735 --> 00:01:11,003
I've been taking pictures
of you sleeping once a month
33
00:01:11,005 --> 00:01:14,006
Since you were born, my angel,
and I made it into a book.
34
00:01:14,008 --> 00:01:16,708
If you flip through it,
you can see how much
your head has grown.
35
00:01:16,710 --> 00:01:19,511
Why does it say
"sleeping angel part one"?
36
00:01:19,513 --> 00:01:21,346
You'll find out
when you go to college.
37
00:01:21,348 --> 00:01:22,548
Adult adam:
While my mom gave gifts,
38
00:01:22,550 --> 00:01:24,716
My dad had his own
birthday tradition...
39
00:01:24,718 --> 00:01:25,417
Forgetting.
40
00:01:25,419 --> 00:01:28,053
Hey. My foot hurts.
What's for breakfast?
41
00:01:28,055 --> 00:01:30,089
Well, we're celebrating
you-know-who
42
00:01:30,091 --> 00:01:32,825
With "a" shaped
pancakes.
43
00:01:32,827 --> 00:01:34,093
"a"!
44
00:01:34,095 --> 00:01:36,862
(chuckling)
it almost slipped my mind.
45
00:01:36,864 --> 00:01:37,496
Al capone!
46
00:01:37,498 --> 00:01:41,200
Geraldo rivera is opening up
al capone's vault today
47
00:01:41,202 --> 00:01:43,635
Live on television!
48
00:01:43,637 --> 00:01:44,336
It's like my birthday.
49
00:01:44,338 --> 00:01:47,039
Wow.
Okay, murray.
Stop playing around.
50
00:01:47,041 --> 00:01:48,674
You know what day it is.
51
00:01:48,676 --> 00:01:50,476
Yeah, of course.
52
00:01:50,478 --> 00:01:51,910
It's, um...
53
00:01:51,912 --> 00:01:53,445
Murray: Baby!
54
00:01:53,447 --> 00:01:54,780
Baby out.
55
00:01:54,782 --> 00:01:55,914
Baby day.
56
00:01:55,916 --> 00:01:57,850
Baby... Birth.
57
00:01:57,852 --> 00:01:59,418
Baby rocking.
58
00:01:59,420 --> 00:02:01,086
Birth day.
59
00:02:01,088 --> 00:02:02,588
Birthday!
60
00:02:02,590 --> 00:02:03,522
My son...
61
00:02:03,524 --> 00:02:07,226
Who is way more important
than al capone.
62
00:02:07,228 --> 00:02:09,428
Daddy and I also got you that,
didn't we, mur?
63
00:02:09,430 --> 00:02:13,332
Yeah. Open it up.
It's gonna blow your mind.
64
00:02:13,334 --> 00:02:14,633
I'm not much for surprises.
65
00:02:14,635 --> 00:02:16,635
How about you tell me
what you got me, mur?
66
00:02:16,637 --> 00:02:18,070
Oh, no, no, no, no.
It's a surprise.
67
00:02:18,072 --> 00:02:20,739
Tell me what you got me.
It's a surprise.
68
00:02:20,741 --> 00:02:22,574
Say it in words.
69
00:02:22,576 --> 00:02:23,308
Um...
70
00:02:23,310 --> 00:02:26,478
It's, uh, a...
A dancing lady.
71
00:02:26,480 --> 00:02:28,413
A, uh, dancing...
72
00:02:28,415 --> 00:02:33,352
An angry, dancing
karate-monkey.
73
00:02:33,354 --> 00:02:34,820
Wow.
74
00:02:36,055 --> 00:02:37,289
♪ I'm twisted up inside
75
00:02:37,291 --> 00:02:41,693
♪ but nonetheless
I feel the need to say
76
00:02:43,796 --> 00:02:44,530
♪ I don't know the future
77
00:02:44,532 --> 00:02:48,333
♪ but the past keeps getting
clearer every day ♪
78
00:02:48,335 --> 00:02:50,536
Adult adam:
It was mid-April,
1980-something.
79
00:02:50,538 --> 00:02:53,005
I was still on an epic quest
to get my first kiss
80
00:02:53,007 --> 00:02:56,175
From my kinda/sorta/maybe
girlfriend, dana caldwell.
81
00:02:56,177 --> 00:02:59,378
Thankfully, my favorite
afroed tv painter, bob ross,
82
00:02:59,380 --> 00:03:01,613
Was there
to break the tension.
83
00:03:01,615 --> 00:03:04,049
I like the way
he paints trees.
84
00:03:04,051 --> 00:03:07,019
The best.
You should see
what he does with cottages.
85
00:03:07,021 --> 00:03:08,187
Bob ross:
...Indication here and there
86
00:03:08,189 --> 00:03:10,122
Of some happy, little
evergreen trees.
87
00:03:10,124 --> 00:03:12,958
Well, I should
probably get going.
88
00:03:12,960 --> 00:03:13,825
Oh. Okay.
89
00:03:13,827 --> 00:03:16,828
So, I'll see you
at laser tag?
Yeah.
90
00:03:16,830 --> 00:03:18,230
I hope I'm on your team.
91
00:03:18,232 --> 00:03:20,899
I'll see what I can do,
but no guarantees.
92
00:03:20,901 --> 00:03:24,636
There's gonna be two captains.
Could get complicated.
93
00:03:24,904 --> 00:03:27,940
So... Happy birthday?
94
00:03:34,914 --> 00:03:36,949
Up high?
95
00:03:38,484 --> 00:03:39,685
Adult adam:
Sure, it wasn't my first kiss,
96
00:03:39,687 --> 00:03:43,555
But this double wiggly
high-five was just as good,
97
00:03:43,557 --> 00:03:46,625
I tried to tell myself.
98
00:03:46,793 --> 00:03:48,060
(door closes)
99
00:03:48,062 --> 00:03:48,594
Pathetic, dude.
100
00:03:48,596 --> 00:03:50,896
Oh, like you could do
any better.
101
00:03:50,898 --> 00:03:51,563
Hell yeah, I could!
102
00:03:51,565 --> 00:03:54,700
Big tasty knows how to tame
the booty with the beat.
103
00:03:54,702 --> 00:03:56,535
You got to kiss her, bro!
104
00:03:56,537 --> 00:03:57,569
I know!
105
00:03:57,571 --> 00:03:59,037
Just... The timing
hasn't been right.
106
00:03:59,039 --> 00:04:01,473
I've been busy,
she's been busy.
107
00:04:01,475 --> 00:04:02,774
Her family went
to sarasota.
108
00:04:02,776 --> 00:04:05,444
I had that cold
and that spanish quiz.
109
00:04:05,446 --> 00:04:07,813
Well,
now the timing's right.
110
00:04:07,815 --> 00:04:08,714
It's your birthday.
111
00:04:08,716 --> 00:04:11,516
Tonight, you got to throw
a full-on make-out party.
112
00:04:11,518 --> 00:04:12,851
A laser tag
make-out party?
113
00:04:12,853 --> 00:04:14,653
Logistically,
how would that even work?
114
00:04:14,655 --> 00:04:17,756
No laser tag!
Just make-out party!
115
00:04:17,758 --> 00:04:18,523
What am I?
Scott baio?
116
00:04:18,525 --> 00:04:20,759
I don't know how to throw
a make-out party.
117
00:04:20,761 --> 00:04:21,994
That's why you call...
118
00:04:21,996 --> 00:04:23,195
(imitates dialing)
119
00:04:23,197 --> 00:04:25,631
Barry's make-out parties.
How can I help you?
120
00:04:25,633 --> 00:04:28,533
Can you tell my brother
he's a giant putz?
121
00:04:28,535 --> 00:04:29,268
(sighs)
122
00:04:29,270 --> 00:04:31,903
Okay, we turn the basement
into a love den.
123
00:04:31,905 --> 00:04:33,005
How?
It's dark and dusty
124
00:04:33,007 --> 00:04:35,340
And smells like
your old, sweaty hockey gear.
125
00:04:35,342 --> 00:04:38,510
Pheromones, bro!
Ladies love it.
126
00:04:38,512 --> 00:04:40,078
And we'll light
some incense,
127
00:04:40,080 --> 00:04:41,880
Then we'll deck it out
with sexy accessories
128
00:04:41,882 --> 00:04:46,084
Like moroccan pillows,
lava lamps, and bongo drums.
129
00:04:46,086 --> 00:04:46,885
I'm intrigued.
Go on.
130
00:04:46,887 --> 00:04:49,121
And we serve
the sexiest foods.
131
00:04:49,123 --> 00:04:51,156
Go on.
Oysters.
132
00:04:51,158 --> 00:04:51,990
Soft cheeses.
133
00:04:51,992 --> 00:04:53,992
Go on.
And onion dip.
134
00:04:53,994 --> 00:04:55,727
Nothing crunchy.
135
00:04:55,729 --> 00:04:56,728
Know why?
136
00:04:56,730 --> 00:04:58,163
Crunchy isn't sexy.
Wait.
137
00:04:58,165 --> 00:05:00,732
How do you eat onion dip
if you don't have anything...
138
00:05:00,734 --> 00:05:01,867
Spoons!
139
00:05:01,869 --> 00:05:02,934
Spoons are sexy.
140
00:05:02,936 --> 00:05:05,937
You obviously know
what you're talking about.
141
00:05:05,939 --> 00:05:06,638
But (sighs)
142
00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:08,106
How do I get dana
to kiss me?
143
00:05:08,108 --> 00:05:10,742
Easy.
Break the ice with games.
144
00:05:10,744 --> 00:05:13,011
Twister, truth or dare,
145
00:05:13,013 --> 00:05:14,913
And the main event...
146
00:05:14,915 --> 00:05:15,647
Seven minutes in heaven.
147
00:05:15,649 --> 00:05:18,317
And you got to wear
something seductive,
so go to the mall,
148
00:05:18,319 --> 00:05:21,119
And buy the first
velour clothing you see.
149
00:05:21,121 --> 00:05:23,755
That's the sexiest
of all fabrics.
150
00:05:23,757 --> 00:05:24,289
Velour. Got it.
151
00:05:24,291 --> 00:05:26,224
Adult adam:
I was so desperate
for my first kiss
152
00:05:26,226 --> 00:05:27,559
That barry
was actually making sense.
153
00:05:27,561 --> 00:05:31,196
Meanwhile, my dad
was desperate
to watch some "geraldo".
154
00:05:31,198 --> 00:05:32,964
(door closes)
mmm!
155
00:05:32,966 --> 00:05:34,232
Smells great in here!
156
00:05:34,234 --> 00:05:37,069
Yeah, I went to
the south street
italian market
157
00:05:37,071 --> 00:05:40,238
In honor of the opening
of al capone's vault.
158
00:05:40,240 --> 00:05:41,907
Truly, it's the most exciting
thing to happen to me
159
00:05:41,909 --> 00:05:44,076
In the past 20 years.
What about your kids?
160
00:05:44,078 --> 00:05:46,111
Oh, they're not
gonna be here.
Oh.
161
00:05:46,113 --> 00:05:47,946
Adam's got a thing tonight.
162
00:05:47,948 --> 00:05:48,914
A thing?
163
00:05:48,916 --> 00:05:50,315
It's his birthday party.
164
00:05:50,317 --> 00:05:53,352
Tell me at least
you remembered it this year.
165
00:05:53,354 --> 00:05:56,121
Ah. It's not whether or not
I remembered.
166
00:05:56,123 --> 00:05:58,390
It's whether
he thinks I remembered.
167
00:05:58,392 --> 00:06:00,092
I don't think
you remembered.
168
00:06:00,094 --> 00:06:01,860
There's the man
I'm looking for.
169
00:06:01,862 --> 00:06:04,896
Happy birthday, kiddo.
170
00:06:06,699 --> 00:06:07,933
Holy god.
171
00:06:07,935 --> 00:06:10,068
A digital pac-man watch?
Do you like it?
172
00:06:10,070 --> 00:06:13,505
Uh, it's a video game
on my wrist!
173
00:06:13,507 --> 00:06:14,506
I love it!
174
00:06:14,508 --> 00:06:15,073
Thanks, pops.
175
00:06:15,075 --> 00:06:17,909
You are the greatest man
I've ever known.
176
00:06:17,911 --> 00:06:20,812
Literally
the greatest man.
177
00:06:28,788 --> 00:06:30,222
What was that
all about?
178
00:06:30,224 --> 00:06:32,157
Did you not give him
a gift?
179
00:06:32,159 --> 00:06:34,593
It's not
whether I got him a gift,
180
00:06:34,595 --> 00:06:38,130
It's whether he thinks
I got him a gift.
181
00:06:38,132 --> 00:06:38,830
Adam: I don't!
182
00:06:38,832 --> 00:06:41,066
Murray,
you do this every year.
183
00:06:41,068 --> 00:06:43,301
For once,
just get him something!
184
00:06:43,303 --> 00:06:47,038
Everybody knows
that I'm not good at birthdays
185
00:06:47,040 --> 00:06:50,075
Or giving gifts
or remembering events.
186
00:06:50,077 --> 00:06:51,243
It's my thing!
187
00:06:51,245 --> 00:06:52,978
Well,
you're missing out.
188
00:06:52,980 --> 00:06:55,447
I mean, did you see
the look on adam's face
189
00:06:55,449 --> 00:06:58,950
When I gave him
that puckm'n watch thing?
190
00:06:58,952 --> 00:06:59,384
Pure joy!
191
00:06:59,386 --> 00:07:01,887
That's why we should say
the watch is from both of us.
192
00:07:01,889 --> 00:07:05,290
Just go get the kid
a damn gift already!
193
00:07:05,292 --> 00:07:08,560
Adult adam: While my dad
had to suck it up
and get me a gift,
194
00:07:08,562 --> 00:07:09,494
I was about to hurt my mom
195
00:07:09,496 --> 00:07:13,064
Worse than having all her leg
hair yanked out by an epilady.
196
00:07:13,066 --> 00:07:15,200
Whoops!
Ooh, I'll come back.
197
00:07:15,202 --> 00:07:15,901
No, it's fine, boopie.
198
00:07:15,903 --> 00:07:18,737
(buzzing)
good.
'cause I was thinking,
199
00:07:18,739 --> 00:07:19,504
Instead of laser tag,
200
00:07:19,506 --> 00:07:24,009
Maybe me and my friends
could hang out in the basement
and watch "ghostbusters".
201
00:07:24,011 --> 00:07:26,178
What?
I'm not canceling laser tag.
202
00:07:26,180 --> 00:07:28,780
(buzzing stops)
they wanted
a $100 deposit
203
00:07:28,782 --> 00:07:30,048
Until I yelled at the guy
to waive it.
204
00:07:30,050 --> 00:07:32,784
I know it's last minute,
but I really want this.
205
00:07:32,786 --> 00:07:35,987
I guess I could make
a "ghostbusters" cake.
206
00:07:35,989 --> 00:07:39,057
Yeah...
I'm also thinking no cake.
207
00:07:39,059 --> 00:07:40,425
No cake?
No cake.
208
00:07:40,427 --> 00:07:41,226
No cake?
No cake.
209
00:07:41,228 --> 00:07:45,263
If there's no cake,
then I can't hug you
and sing "happy birthday".
210
00:07:45,265 --> 00:07:46,031
Which works out well,
211
00:07:46,033 --> 00:07:49,601
'cause I'm also thinking
no song and... No you.
212
00:07:49,603 --> 00:07:51,636
Then I wouldn't be there.
Uh-huh.
213
00:07:51,638 --> 00:07:52,304
I have to be there.
214
00:07:52,306 --> 00:07:55,574
Look, starting
with this birthday,
everything changes.
215
00:07:55,576 --> 00:07:57,275
I'm like an adult now.
But...
216
00:07:57,277 --> 00:07:59,411
This is my special day.
217
00:07:59,413 --> 00:08:00,178
(sighs)
please, mama?
218
00:08:00,180 --> 00:08:01,880
Adult adam:
I only pulled out the "mama"
219
00:08:01,882 --> 00:08:03,348
When it was
absolutely necessary,
220
00:08:03,350 --> 00:08:07,219
And when I did,
she was putty in my hands.
221
00:08:07,221 --> 00:08:09,087
Okay, fine.
222
00:08:09,089 --> 00:08:14,693
Sad, boring, cakeless,
songless, momless
basement party it is.
223
00:08:14,695 --> 00:08:17,629
Adult adam: With my mother
successfully neutralized,
224
00:08:17,631 --> 00:08:19,064
My make-out bash was a go.
225
00:08:19,066 --> 00:08:21,700
I scored everything
on barry's sexy checklist,
226
00:08:21,702 --> 00:08:24,069
Right down to
the velour shirt.
227
00:08:24,071 --> 00:08:26,571
And that last
smooth soul jam
228
00:08:26,573 --> 00:08:30,175
Was dedicated
to all you lovers
in the crowd.
229
00:08:30,177 --> 00:08:33,011
You know who you are.
230
00:08:33,346 --> 00:08:35,747
Why is he
nodding at us?
231
00:08:35,749 --> 00:08:37,282
No idea.
232
00:08:37,717 --> 00:08:39,718
Stop nodding at us!
233
00:08:39,720 --> 00:08:43,989
Adult adam:
Turns out, make-out parties
are awesome in theory,
234
00:08:43,991 --> 00:08:46,157
But awkward in reality.
235
00:08:46,159 --> 00:08:48,860
Next up is twister, y'all!
236
00:08:48,862 --> 00:08:49,494
Hope you stretched,
237
00:08:49,496 --> 00:08:53,798
'cause it's about to get
real bendy in here.
238
00:08:55,334 --> 00:08:57,536
So, um,
what happened to laser tag?
239
00:08:57,538 --> 00:09:00,539
I just thought
this might be more fun.
240
00:09:00,773 --> 00:09:01,873
Oyster?
Mmm.
241
00:09:01,875 --> 00:09:05,443
Soft cheese?
Oh, wow.
That's really stinky.
242
00:09:05,445 --> 00:09:07,078
You know it.
243
00:09:07,080 --> 00:09:09,648
(cheese thuds)
check this out.
244
00:09:10,082 --> 00:09:12,017
Moroccan pillow.
245
00:09:14,287 --> 00:09:15,120
Boop!
246
00:09:15,122 --> 00:09:18,089
Oh, it's hard.
Sorry.
247
00:09:18,958 --> 00:09:21,092
Adult adam: And with that,
the best night of my life
248
00:09:21,094 --> 00:09:26,364
Had officially become
a kissless, velour nightmare.
249
00:09:26,566 --> 00:09:30,602
Amazingly, my mom took
my momless party in stride.
250
00:09:30,604 --> 00:09:31,269
This is madness.
251
00:09:31,271 --> 00:09:32,370
Adult adam:
Or not.
252
00:09:32,372 --> 00:09:34,673
I mean, what boy wants
a basement party?
253
00:09:34,675 --> 00:09:39,711
There's no pin the tail
on the donkey,
no balloons, no cake.
254
00:09:39,713 --> 00:09:40,712
You know what?
Screw it.
255
00:09:40,714 --> 00:09:43,815
Give me the phone book.
I'm calling a (bleep) clown.
256
00:09:43,817 --> 00:09:45,584
No! Stop!
257
00:09:45,586 --> 00:09:46,818
No clown.
258
00:09:46,820 --> 00:09:48,553
I know my son.
259
00:09:48,555 --> 00:09:50,789
He needs me down there.
260
00:09:50,791 --> 00:09:52,357
I can literally
feel him call me
261
00:09:52,359 --> 00:09:56,127
To bring him this festive
platter of bagel bites.
262
00:09:56,129 --> 00:09:57,829
You promised adam.
263
00:09:57,831 --> 00:10:00,532
I'll bring him
the stupid bagel bites.
264
00:10:01,834 --> 00:10:03,134
Gimme.
265
00:10:03,136 --> 00:10:04,135
You stay put.
266
00:10:04,137 --> 00:10:05,737
Adult adam:
The last thing erica wanted
267
00:10:05,739 --> 00:10:08,640
Was for my overbearing
smother to ruin my party.
268
00:10:08,642 --> 00:10:11,710
But then she saw
the soft, pink
mood lighting...
269
00:10:11,712 --> 00:10:14,813
...And the gooey, sexy foods?
270
00:10:14,815 --> 00:10:15,914
And chachi!
271
00:10:15,916 --> 00:10:19,351
And just like that, my sister
went into full mom mode.
272
00:10:19,353 --> 00:10:21,453
What the hell
is happening here?
273
00:10:21,455 --> 00:10:24,489
Looks like a love dungeon
in a serial killer's house.
274
00:10:24,491 --> 00:10:27,726
It's a make-out party,
and I got to say, bagel bites?
275
00:10:27,728 --> 00:10:29,694
Not sexy.
Get 'em out of here.
276
00:10:29,696 --> 00:10:31,963
'sup, erica?
Didn't know you'd be here.
277
00:10:31,965 --> 00:10:35,433
Okay, get your body
away from me, dave kim.
278
00:10:35,435 --> 00:10:39,738
Seriously?
This whole thing
is upsetting and wrong.
279
00:10:39,740 --> 00:10:40,672
And it has to stop
right now.
280
00:10:40,674 --> 00:10:44,442
Okay, this is all I could find
for spin the bottle,
but it's completely full.
281
00:10:44,444 --> 00:10:47,145
Barry to the rescue.
I'll take it down.
282
00:10:47,147 --> 00:10:48,813
My body loves calcium.
283
00:10:48,815 --> 00:10:51,416
Adult adam:
That day, my brother
found out the hard way
284
00:10:51,418 --> 00:10:54,252
It's physically impossible
to drink that much milk.
285
00:10:54,254 --> 00:10:57,122
(sighs)
is this from a cow?
286
00:10:57,124 --> 00:10:58,990
Why is it so hard?
287
00:11:01,560 --> 00:11:02,627
(exhales sharply)
288
00:11:02,629 --> 00:11:04,629
My body says no, but...
289
00:11:04,631 --> 00:11:07,599
I'm gonna do this
for you guys.
290
00:11:07,601 --> 00:11:08,867
Erica:
Are you kidding me?
291
00:11:08,869 --> 00:11:12,103
Spin the bottle,
mood lighting, and velour?
292
00:11:12,105 --> 00:11:12,704
This isn't you.
293
00:11:12,706 --> 00:11:14,372
Can we talk
about this later?
294
00:11:14,374 --> 00:11:17,676
You're kind of
giving off a...
Mom vibe.
295
00:11:17,678 --> 00:11:19,611
I am not mom!
296
00:11:19,613 --> 00:11:21,479
I will never be mom!
297
00:11:21,481 --> 00:11:22,247
Now,
take these bagel bites
298
00:11:22,249 --> 00:11:24,816
And blow on them
three times or they'll
scald your little mouth,
299
00:11:24,818 --> 00:11:26,685
And get away from me,
dave kim!
300
00:11:26,687 --> 00:11:31,022
Okay. I'm gonna need you
to leave my party.
301
00:11:31,457 --> 00:11:32,557
Oh!
302
00:11:32,559 --> 00:11:33,158
Oh, I'm leaving.
303
00:11:33,160 --> 00:11:36,795
I'll go up there
and tell mom all about
your creepy freak fest.
304
00:11:36,797 --> 00:11:38,196
Hold on.
305
00:11:38,198 --> 00:11:39,998
You win, okay?
306
00:11:40,000 --> 00:11:41,132
At least let me tell her.
307
00:11:41,134 --> 00:11:45,770
And it's just I thought I knew
what kind of party I wanted.
308
00:11:45,772 --> 00:11:46,771
(sighs)
309
00:11:46,773 --> 00:11:47,939
But I realize now...
310
00:11:47,941 --> 00:11:50,275
What is it, honey?
I really want a cake!
311
00:11:50,277 --> 00:11:52,110
Something that reminds me
of my childhood.
312
00:11:52,112 --> 00:11:56,848
It would make me so happy,
but now it's too late...
313
00:11:56,949 --> 00:11:58,850
Mama.
(pan clangs)
314
00:11:58,852 --> 00:11:59,884
Oh!
315
00:11:59,886 --> 00:12:00,518
Mama's here, baby.
316
00:12:00,520 --> 00:12:02,587
Mama's going to the store
right now.
317
00:12:02,589 --> 00:12:05,623
Mama will be back
in 20 minutes.
318
00:12:05,625 --> 00:12:06,958
Wait. Mom!
319
00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:08,126
Out of my way!
320
00:12:08,128 --> 00:12:09,260
I... I want bert and ernie!
321
00:12:09,262 --> 00:12:12,063
Anything
for my birthday boy.
322
00:12:12,131 --> 00:12:13,531
(door closes)
323
00:12:13,533 --> 00:12:15,500
Well, that was good.
324
00:12:15,502 --> 00:12:16,468
But you leave me no choice.
325
00:12:16,470 --> 00:12:19,337
When mom gets back,
I'm gonna tell her everything.
326
00:12:19,339 --> 00:12:20,338
Oh, I don't think so.
327
00:12:20,340 --> 00:12:23,575
Unless you want her
to hear what happened
at the winter formal.
328
00:12:23,577 --> 00:12:26,544
What?
And when you were
on that ski trip.
329
00:12:26,546 --> 00:12:28,580
What?
Three words...
330
00:12:28,582 --> 00:12:29,848
South padre island.
331
00:12:29,850 --> 00:12:32,684
What?
I have been the coolest
little brother in the world
332
00:12:32,686 --> 00:12:36,421
Until now.
You keep my secret,
I'll keep yours.
333
00:12:36,423 --> 00:12:38,456
Now, do we understand
each other?
334
00:12:38,458 --> 00:12:39,491
Yes!
Good.
335
00:12:39,493 --> 00:12:42,026
Adult adam:
While my sister was trying
to figure out a way
336
00:12:42,028 --> 00:12:42,594
To end my party,
337
00:12:42,596 --> 00:12:46,865
Barry was doing all he could
to keep it chugging along.
338
00:12:48,634 --> 00:12:49,434
Are you almost done?
339
00:12:49,436 --> 00:12:52,437
People are starting to lose
interest in spin the bottle.
340
00:12:52,439 --> 00:12:53,404
(sighs) I'm trying!
341
00:12:53,406 --> 00:12:54,939
Son of a bitch!
This thing is bottomless!
342
00:12:54,941 --> 00:12:57,275
(electronic gunfire)
that bottle wasn't
the only thing bottomless.
343
00:12:57,277 --> 00:12:59,377
Murray: Pew! Pew!
Just then,
my dad decided to pick
344
00:12:59,379 --> 00:13:03,348
The worst moment to finally
give me my birthday gift.
345
00:13:03,350 --> 00:13:05,316
Where's the man
of the hour?
346
00:13:05,318 --> 00:13:08,486
Dad, what the hell?
You're not wearing any pants!
347
00:13:08,488 --> 00:13:10,555
Oh, they know
how it works around here.
348
00:13:10,557 --> 00:13:12,323
Murray:
You notice anything else?
349
00:13:12,325 --> 00:13:13,725
(electronic gunfire)
350
00:13:13,727 --> 00:13:14,292
Laser tag!
351
00:13:14,294 --> 00:13:16,161
I bought a bunch
for you and your friends.
352
00:13:16,163 --> 00:13:18,730
Yeah. Great.
Now please leave.
353
00:13:18,732 --> 00:13:21,232
I just went and bought you
354
00:13:21,234 --> 00:13:23,535
The thing you wanted most
in the world.
355
00:13:23,537 --> 00:13:24,402
(electronic gunshot)
356
00:13:24,404 --> 00:13:26,304
You could at least
give me a thumbs-up,
357
00:13:26,306 --> 00:13:28,339
A thank-you,
a look of appreciation.
358
00:13:28,341 --> 00:13:31,242
Happy?
That's a fake smile,
and you know it.
359
00:13:31,244 --> 00:13:34,045
It's not a fake smile.
It's got teeth and everything.
360
00:13:34,047 --> 00:13:34,879
I hate that smile!
361
00:13:34,881 --> 00:13:37,749
I don't even like
laser tag, okay?
362
00:13:37,751 --> 00:13:39,717
Want to get me
a present?
363
00:13:39,719 --> 00:13:41,252
Go.
364
00:13:41,921 --> 00:13:45,123
My dad finally bought me
a gift from the heart,
365
00:13:45,125 --> 00:13:46,524
And I flat-out rejected him.
366
00:13:46,526 --> 00:13:48,993
I was sacrificing everything
for that kiss,
367
00:13:48,995 --> 00:13:51,329
And nothing would stop me.
368
00:13:51,331 --> 00:13:52,564
(gags)
369
00:13:52,566 --> 00:13:54,199
Hah! Hah! It burns!
370
00:13:54,201 --> 00:13:56,434
(sighs)
can I get some milk?
371
00:13:56,535 --> 00:13:58,002
(exhales sharply)
372
00:13:58,004 --> 00:13:59,470
Seriously!
373
00:13:59,472 --> 00:14:00,638
Now you ask me?
374
00:14:00,640 --> 00:14:02,140
You're unb...
(belches)
375
00:14:02,142 --> 00:14:05,643
I got to go.
I got to go.
376
00:14:07,446 --> 00:14:09,881
I had neutralized erica
with threats
377
00:14:09,883 --> 00:14:10,815
And my mother with cake,
378
00:14:10,817 --> 00:14:14,385
But I knew that wasn't gonna
hold them off forever.
379
00:14:14,387 --> 00:14:15,153
Is the cake ready yet?
380
00:14:15,155 --> 00:14:17,655
I mean, how much more baking
do you need to do already?
381
00:14:17,657 --> 00:14:20,792
Get off my back, erica.
I'm a mother,
not a pastry chef.
382
00:14:20,794 --> 00:14:23,361
Beverly: Ugh.
This looks like "sloth"
from "the goonies".
383
00:14:23,363 --> 00:14:27,699
Why is it so hard
to make an oblong bert head?
384
00:14:27,701 --> 00:14:30,001
No, no, no, no!
Don't start over!
385
00:14:30,003 --> 00:14:32,570
(scoffs) just go
downstairs right now
386
00:14:32,572 --> 00:14:34,405
And see
what's going on, okay?
387
00:14:34,407 --> 00:14:35,707
No, I can't barge in.
388
00:14:35,709 --> 00:14:37,308
What do you mean
you can't barge in?
389
00:14:37,310 --> 00:14:38,176
That's all you do!
390
00:14:38,178 --> 00:14:40,945
I finally made
some headway with adam.
391
00:14:40,947 --> 00:14:42,580
He asked for a cake.
392
00:14:42,582 --> 00:14:43,348
If I play my cards right,
393
00:14:43,350 --> 00:14:47,185
I can get some huggies
when we sing "happy birthday"!
(chuckles)
394
00:14:47,187 --> 00:14:50,121
Mom, do you remember
the time that you snuck
in the basement
395
00:14:50,123 --> 00:14:51,289
And spied
on me and lainey
396
00:14:51,291 --> 00:14:52,824
Drinking mango madness
wine coolers
397
00:14:52,826 --> 00:14:54,859
And then grounded me
for two months?
398
00:14:54,861 --> 00:14:55,727
Yes.
That was a good day.
399
00:14:55,729 --> 00:14:59,330
Okay, well,
I need you to go downstairs.
400
00:14:59,332 --> 00:15:00,999
And just in case
adam does mention
401
00:15:01,001 --> 00:15:04,569
Something about
south padre island,
he's a liar.
402
00:15:05,938 --> 00:15:06,504
And I'm sorry.
403
00:15:06,506 --> 00:15:09,240
Adult adam:
While my meddling
smother plotted her next move,
404
00:15:09,242 --> 00:15:12,844
The plot thickened
outside al capone's vault.
405
00:15:12,846 --> 00:15:14,612
Geraldo rivera:
...The real secret tunnel.
406
00:15:14,614 --> 00:15:15,346
I can't believe it.
407
00:15:15,348 --> 00:15:18,783
That little moron ruined
al capone's vault for me.
408
00:15:18,785 --> 00:15:19,517
Stop it, murray.
409
00:15:19,519 --> 00:15:22,420
In 10 minutes,
he's gonna blow open
that vault
410
00:15:22,422 --> 00:15:25,223
And with it,
our minds.
411
00:15:25,225 --> 00:15:26,491
How am I supposed
to enjoy it?
412
00:15:26,493 --> 00:15:28,526
I don't buy adam a gift,
he's pissed at me.
413
00:15:28,528 --> 00:15:30,995
I buy him a gift,
he's even more pissed at me.
414
00:15:30,997 --> 00:15:31,562
I can't win.
415
00:15:31,564 --> 00:15:33,665
Erica: Our baby grew up
so fast, didn't he?
416
00:15:33,667 --> 00:15:37,502
It's, like, one minute,
he's this little,
four-eyed dork.
417
00:15:37,504 --> 00:15:39,570
Then you blink,
and he's a man.
418
00:15:39,572 --> 00:15:42,140
A man with needs.
419
00:15:42,441 --> 00:15:43,408
What's happening?
420
00:15:43,410 --> 00:15:46,911
I miss that little lovebug.
That's what's happening.
421
00:15:46,913 --> 00:15:47,845
Oh, my god.
I am mom!
422
00:15:47,847 --> 00:15:51,316
You are, and I got
to tell you,
it's a real downer.
423
00:15:51,318 --> 00:15:54,585
You know how many gifts
my dad bought me growing up?
424
00:15:54,587 --> 00:15:55,119
Zero.
425
00:15:55,121 --> 00:15:57,355
That's all I got
from that man... Nothing.
426
00:15:57,357 --> 00:16:00,058
Do you think it hurt?
Damn right, it hurt.
427
00:16:00,060 --> 00:16:00,758
Oh, my god!
428
00:16:00,760 --> 00:16:03,127
Why are you coming to terms
with this now?
429
00:16:03,129 --> 00:16:04,762
They're about to blow
the safe!
430
00:16:04,764 --> 00:16:07,565
See, that's why
I don't give gifts.
It's all a sham.
431
00:16:07,567 --> 00:16:09,734
I wish we could
just stop time, you know?
432
00:16:09,736 --> 00:16:12,270
And keep him our
special, little boy forever.
433
00:16:12,272 --> 00:16:14,138
Okay. That's it.
434
00:16:14,140 --> 00:16:16,007
I'm watching tv upstairs.
435
00:16:16,009 --> 00:16:16,908
No one follow me.
436
00:16:16,910 --> 00:16:19,777
Adult adam:
While my dad and sister
were having a breakdown,
437
00:16:19,779 --> 00:16:23,548
My mom
was plotting a break-in.
438
00:16:23,983 --> 00:16:28,987
My god, she was like a silent,
manicured, nosy ninja.
439
00:16:31,190 --> 00:16:31,990
Smooth move, adam.
440
00:16:31,992 --> 00:16:34,158
It's not my fault.
It's too big a bottle.
441
00:16:34,160 --> 00:16:36,060
It's meant for milk,
not spinning.
442
00:16:36,062 --> 00:16:38,029
Maybe
we should just go.
443
00:16:38,031 --> 00:16:39,831
No!
(chuckles nervously)
444
00:16:39,833 --> 00:16:40,698
Don't go.
445
00:16:40,700 --> 00:16:43,301
How about, uh,
seven minutes in heaven?
446
00:16:43,303 --> 00:16:44,202
Girl: Yeah.
Boy: Yeah.
447
00:16:44,204 --> 00:16:46,838
It's your birthday, dude,
so you pick first.
448
00:16:46,840 --> 00:16:48,873
This kiss
was my al capone's vault.
449
00:16:48,875 --> 00:16:54,278
The buildup was excruciating,
and it was finally time
to get it over with.
450
00:16:54,747 --> 00:16:56,748
Dana, I guess?
451
00:16:56,750 --> 00:16:57,715
Um... Okay.
452
00:16:57,717 --> 00:17:00,718
Even though
my big moment was here,
453
00:17:00,720 --> 00:17:01,419
I was blissfully unaware
454
00:17:01,421 --> 00:17:05,723
That the other woman
in my life
had crashed my party.
455
00:17:11,330 --> 00:17:13,364
(beeping)
456
00:17:16,235 --> 00:17:17,468
Are you playing pac-man?
457
00:17:17,470 --> 00:17:19,337
No, I... I'm trying
to set the timer.
458
00:17:19,339 --> 00:17:21,406
The directions
are in japanese.
459
00:17:21,408 --> 00:17:24,242
It's very complicated.
Oh.
460
00:17:25,110 --> 00:17:26,411
There we go.
461
00:17:26,413 --> 00:17:28,679
We're on the clock.
462
00:17:30,983 --> 00:17:32,150
Are you sweating?
463
00:17:32,152 --> 00:17:34,919
It's the velour shirt.
It doesn't breathe.
464
00:17:34,921 --> 00:17:37,188
It reminds me
of my nana's robe.
465
00:17:37,190 --> 00:17:38,890
(chuckles)
466
00:17:39,958 --> 00:17:43,561
Adam: So...
We got 6:38 left.
467
00:17:43,563 --> 00:17:44,595
What are you thinking?
468
00:17:44,597 --> 00:17:48,266
I guess we could, um,
you know.
469
00:17:49,768 --> 00:17:53,304
Okay. Let's...
You know.
470
00:17:54,206 --> 00:17:55,473
(beverly snorting)
471
00:17:55,475 --> 00:17:56,541
What's wrong?
472
00:17:56,543 --> 00:17:58,342
Me?
I thought that was you.
473
00:17:58,344 --> 00:18:00,078
Uh...
474
00:18:02,114 --> 00:18:02,980
Hi, poopie.
475
00:18:02,982 --> 00:18:03,681
Oh, my god.
Hey, dana.
476
00:18:03,683 --> 00:18:06,784
Oh, my god!
Wow.
That is an adorable dress.
477
00:18:06,786 --> 00:18:07,385
(gasps)
478
00:18:07,387 --> 00:18:09,320
I was just seeing
if the ski boots
479
00:18:09,322 --> 00:18:11,823
Were all where
they're supposed to be,
and, uh
480
00:18:11,825 --> 00:18:14,559
(clicks tongue)
they are.
481
00:18:16,295 --> 00:18:16,661
Dana!
482
00:18:16,663 --> 00:18:18,262
I don't want to talk
to you.
483
00:18:18,264 --> 00:18:19,130
Wait.
Just give me a sec.
484
00:18:19,132 --> 00:18:21,265
Your mom was in
our seven minutes in heaven!
485
00:18:21,267 --> 00:18:24,302
I'm sorry. This whole thing
has been a complete disaster.
486
00:18:24,304 --> 00:18:25,937
Why'd you even throw
this stupid party?
487
00:18:25,939 --> 00:18:27,472
What was wrong
with laser tag?
488
00:18:27,474 --> 00:18:29,507
Nothing!
I love laser tag.
489
00:18:29,509 --> 00:18:32,677
Then why didn't
we just play laser tag?
490
00:18:32,679 --> 00:18:33,444
You big idiot.
491
00:18:33,446 --> 00:18:35,546
(just like heaven playing)
492
00:18:35,548 --> 00:18:38,749
You're right.
I am an idiot.
493
00:18:39,384 --> 00:18:41,652
Let's just play laser tag.
494
00:18:41,654 --> 00:18:42,653
(electronic gunfire)
495
00:18:42,655 --> 00:18:43,554
(children shouting playfully)
496
00:18:43,556 --> 00:18:46,858
That night, my worst birthday
ever became the best.
497
00:18:46,860 --> 00:18:48,326
Yeah, we all wanted
that first kiss,
498
00:18:48,328 --> 00:18:49,460
But for one more night,
499
00:18:49,462 --> 00:18:53,164
We were all happy
to keep on being kids.
500
00:18:53,832 --> 00:18:55,900
What a little dork.
501
00:18:56,268 --> 00:18:57,702
Thank god.
502
00:18:57,704 --> 00:18:58,703
Dad!
503
00:18:58,705 --> 00:19:00,304
(electronic gunshot)
504
00:19:00,306 --> 00:19:01,239
Best gift ever!
505
00:19:01,241 --> 00:19:02,840
Albert:
See that smile?
506
00:19:02,842 --> 00:19:06,444
That's it!
That's the look!
507
00:19:06,446 --> 00:19:10,248
Come on. Let's go see
that handsome devil
open that vault.
508
00:19:10,250 --> 00:19:12,817
Oh, just tell me
what happens.
509
00:19:12,819 --> 00:19:14,585
(electronic gunfire)
510
00:19:14,587 --> 00:19:16,687
(music continues)
511
00:19:17,990 --> 00:19:19,724
It seems,
at least up to now,
512
00:19:19,726 --> 00:19:20,892
That we've struck out
with the vault.
513
00:19:20,894 --> 00:19:22,927
I'm disappointed about that,
as I'm sure you are.
514
00:19:22,929 --> 00:19:26,197
Adult adam: Turns out,
al capone's vault was empty.
515
00:19:26,199 --> 00:19:29,000
All that buildup
and no payoff.
516
00:19:29,002 --> 00:19:32,036
Poor mustachioed bastard.
517
00:19:34,039 --> 00:19:34,572
Hi.
518
00:19:34,574 --> 00:19:36,307
We're just taking
a break.
519
00:19:36,309 --> 00:19:37,742
Oh. I just finished
the cake.
520
00:19:37,744 --> 00:19:41,078
It's terrible, isn't it?
I should just start over.
521
00:19:41,080 --> 00:19:43,281
No! I love it.
522
00:19:43,482 --> 00:19:48,119
Let's eat.
Happy birthday,
snuggle monster.
523
00:19:49,588 --> 00:19:50,688
Thanks, mama.
524
00:19:50,690 --> 00:19:53,691
♪ you're just like a dream
525
00:19:53,693 --> 00:19:56,627
♪ you're just like a dream
526
00:19:56,629 --> 00:19:58,062
There's too many of them.
527
00:19:58,064 --> 00:20:00,665
You run, I'll cover you.
528
00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:03,634
(electronic gunfire)
529
00:20:03,636 --> 00:20:05,336
Gotcha!
530
00:20:05,338 --> 00:20:07,471
(distorted) no!
531
00:20:07,473 --> 00:20:09,840
(electronic warbling)
532
00:20:10,542 --> 00:20:12,076
You saved me.
533
00:20:12,078 --> 00:20:13,878
I... Guess I did.
534
00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:16,480
♪ I opened up my eyes
535
00:20:16,815 --> 00:20:19,417
♪ I found myself alone, alone
536
00:20:19,419 --> 00:20:22,119
♪ alone above a raging sea
537
00:20:22,121 --> 00:20:26,424
♪ that stole
the only girl I loved
538
00:20:26,426 --> 00:20:27,124
♪ and drowned her...
539
00:20:27,126 --> 00:20:29,026
Adult adam: Even though
al capone's vault may have
been a complete letdown,
540
00:20:29,028 --> 00:20:34,131
Some things in life
are as amazing
as you'd hoped they'd be.
541
00:20:39,504 --> 00:20:40,938
(ding)
542
00:20:41,206 --> 00:20:43,241
(ding)
543
00:20:43,675 --> 00:20:45,243
Adam:
Who should I kiss?
544
00:20:45,245 --> 00:20:46,477
Boy: Come on, adam!
545
00:20:46,479 --> 00:20:48,913
She's not
gonna let me kiss...
546
00:20:49,748 --> 00:20:50,681
Okay.
547
00:20:50,683 --> 00:20:52,650
As student council
treasurer,
548
00:20:52,652 --> 00:20:54,352
We should
go over the budget first,
549
00:20:54,354 --> 00:20:56,020
And then, if we have time,
talk bake sale.
550
00:20:56,022 --> 00:20:58,189
Why exactly
are we meeting down here?
551
00:20:58,191 --> 00:20:59,457
No reason.
552
00:20:59,459 --> 00:21:01,626
Soft cheese? Oyster?
553
00:21:01,628 --> 00:21:03,160
Not you, sanjeev.
554
00:21:03,162 --> 00:21:04,629
Let's begin, shall we?
555
00:21:04,631 --> 00:21:06,364
Unfortunately,
there's no chairs,
556
00:21:06,366 --> 00:21:10,101
So we're gonna have to sit
in a circle on the floor.
557
00:21:11,970 --> 00:21:13,704
Oh! Look!
558
00:21:13,706 --> 00:21:16,774
A bottle!
Here's a crazy idea.
559
00:21:16,776 --> 00:21:18,376
Spin the bottle!
560
00:21:18,378 --> 00:21:20,378
I'll go first.
561
00:21:23,482 --> 00:21:25,182
Bagel bites?