1
00:00:00,400 --> 00:00:01,533
(alarm ringing)
2
00:00:01,535 --> 00:00:03,669
Adult adam:
It's a funny thing
about dads...
3
00:00:03,671 --> 00:00:06,805
They always tend to be
creatures of habit.
4
00:00:06,807 --> 00:00:08,707
At least, my father was.
5
00:00:08,709 --> 00:00:11,143
He liked what he liked,
and he hated change.
6
00:00:11,145 --> 00:00:14,913
Ever since I can remember,
he wore the same shoes,
7
00:00:14,915 --> 00:00:17,616
He ate the same breakfast.
(crunching)
8
00:00:17,684 --> 00:00:18,984
I'm home!
9
00:00:18,986 --> 00:00:20,019
Don't anybody bother me!
10
00:00:20,021 --> 00:00:22,087
And every day,
he'd come home at 5:15,
11
00:00:22,089 --> 00:00:25,090
Park his pants at the door,
sit in the same chair,
12
00:00:25,092 --> 00:00:27,359
And watch the same show.
(tv turns on)
13
00:00:27,361 --> 00:00:29,161
If you tried
to change anything,
14
00:00:29,163 --> 00:00:30,295
He'd fight you
tooth and nail.
15
00:00:30,297 --> 00:00:31,964
That's why my mom
created the illusion
16
00:00:31,966 --> 00:00:34,833
Everything stayed the same,
but it wasn't.
17
00:00:34,835 --> 00:00:37,469
That magical pair of shoes
that never wore out...
18
00:00:37,471 --> 00:00:40,172
She secretly replaced them
every eight months.
19
00:00:40,174 --> 00:00:43,842
That laissez-faire
attitude about
his personal grooming...
20
00:00:43,844 --> 00:00:45,744
She tended to that, too.
21
00:00:45,746 --> 00:00:46,645
She even managed
to switch him
22
00:00:46,647 --> 00:00:49,314
To low-fat cream cheese
without him noticing.
23
00:00:49,316 --> 00:00:50,349
This tastes funny.
24
00:00:50,351 --> 00:00:51,250
No, it doesn't.
Okay.
25
00:00:51,252 --> 00:00:55,320
Yep, beverly goldberg
had always been
the puppet master,
26
00:00:55,322 --> 00:00:57,823
And my dad had no idea.
27
00:00:57,825 --> 00:00:58,624
Beverly!
28
00:00:58,626 --> 00:01:03,195
That is, until the day
she got a new chair.
29
00:01:03,630 --> 00:01:05,164
Beverly!
Beverly goldberg!
30
00:01:05,166 --> 00:01:09,368
What the hell is sitting
where my chair should be?
31
00:01:09,370 --> 00:01:10,969
Surprise! (chuckles)
32
00:01:10,971 --> 00:01:13,038
I thought it was time
for an upgrade.
33
00:01:13,040 --> 00:01:13,972
Don't you just love it?
34
00:01:13,974 --> 00:01:17,309
Where's my chair...
The one I've been sitting in
for 20 years?
35
00:01:17,311 --> 00:01:18,210
I donated it
to goodwill.
36
00:01:18,212 --> 00:01:19,812
Without telling me?
Why would you do that?
37
00:01:19,814 --> 00:01:23,382
Honey,
you're always complaining
about how your back hurts.
38
00:01:23,384 --> 00:01:24,716
It's that old chair.
39
00:01:24,718 --> 00:01:25,584
You never liked
that chair.
40
00:01:25,586 --> 00:01:28,387
You've always been jealous
of what we've had together.
41
00:01:28,389 --> 00:01:28,954
"we"? Who's "we"?
42
00:01:28,956 --> 00:01:31,957
Me and mr. Chair.
That's right, it had a name.
43
00:01:31,959 --> 00:01:33,659
Well, it's not
a very good one.
44
00:01:33,661 --> 00:01:34,893
Mine is top-of-the-line.
45
00:01:34,895 --> 00:01:37,729
You're gonna love
how comfy it is.
46
00:01:38,698 --> 00:01:41,066
(leather squishes)
47
00:01:41,501 --> 00:01:43,435
Oh. It's so spongy.
48
00:01:43,437 --> 00:01:45,337
Honey, you're gonna
have to trust me on this.
49
00:01:45,339 --> 00:01:47,239
I bought it
for your own good.
50
00:01:47,241 --> 00:01:49,641
I can't breathe.
Can't breathe.
51
00:01:49,643 --> 00:01:50,476
Well,
stop sitting like that.
52
00:01:50,478 --> 00:01:52,945
You're sitting uncomfortably
on purpose.
53
00:01:52,947 --> 00:01:54,313
It's engulfing me.
54
00:01:54,315 --> 00:01:54,913
Stop it!
55
00:01:54,915 --> 00:01:58,484
Those are exaggerated
body movements.
56
00:01:58,785 --> 00:01:59,785
♪ I'm twisted up inside
57
00:01:59,787 --> 00:02:04,623
♪ but nonetheless
I feel the need to say
58
00:02:06,126 --> 00:02:07,059
♪ I don't know the future
59
00:02:07,061 --> 00:02:09,761
♪ but the past keeps getting
clearer every day ♪
60
00:02:09,763 --> 00:02:13,198
(indistinct shouting)
adult adam: It was March 7,
1980-something.
61
00:02:13,200 --> 00:02:15,601
And like every day,
I rode the bus.
62
00:02:15,603 --> 00:02:17,236
Back then,
this was the wild west...
63
00:02:17,238 --> 00:02:19,371
No seatbelts,
no security cameras,
64
00:02:19,373 --> 00:02:23,609
No one to stop the one dude
who made your life miserable.
65
00:02:23,611 --> 00:02:28,013
For me, it was
an eighth grader
named j.C. Spink.
66
00:02:28,015 --> 00:02:30,916
Look who it is...
Adam gold-nerd.
67
00:02:30,918 --> 00:02:34,086
He may have been tiny,
but he was terrible.
68
00:02:34,088 --> 00:02:35,654
Can you please
lay off today, j.C.?
69
00:02:35,656 --> 00:02:38,991
I forgot my gym shorts and
had to run the mile in jeans.
70
00:02:38,993 --> 00:02:40,025
I have
a really bad chafe.
71
00:02:40,027 --> 00:02:43,495
Oh, man. I am so sorry
to hear that.
72
00:02:43,630 --> 00:02:44,596
Hey, everybody.
73
00:02:44,598 --> 00:02:46,365
Adam has got
some sting-y thighs.
74
00:02:46,367 --> 00:02:49,001
So if I see
one spitball hit this kid,
75
00:02:49,003 --> 00:02:50,302
You will have to deal
with me.
76
00:02:50,304 --> 00:02:53,138
Wow. Thanks, dude.
That's... That's really...
77
00:02:53,140 --> 00:02:55,707
(spits)
(laughter)
78
00:02:55,709 --> 00:02:59,111
Everybody get their asses
in their seats.
79
00:02:59,113 --> 00:03:00,812
Especially you, spink!
80
00:03:00,814 --> 00:03:02,447
Yes, sir.
81
00:03:02,449 --> 00:03:03,882
Mind if we share?
82
00:03:03,884 --> 00:03:05,083
(brakes hiss)
83
00:03:05,085 --> 00:03:07,819
I was plastered
up against that window
for the next 20 minutes.
84
00:03:07,821 --> 00:03:12,257
And then I saw barry
doing what he did best...
Flipping out.
85
00:03:12,259 --> 00:03:16,428
No! No! No, no, no!
86
00:03:16,430 --> 00:03:17,896
What the hell
is his deal?
87
00:03:17,898 --> 00:03:20,899
Where the hell is
my sports illustrated
football phone?
88
00:03:20,901 --> 00:03:23,802
Damn it.
Where? Where? Where?
89
00:03:23,804 --> 00:03:24,736
Ow! (groans)
90
00:03:24,738 --> 00:03:26,205
Unreal! Unreal!
That's my big brother,
barry.
91
00:03:26,207 --> 00:03:29,074
He's clinically insane.
(groans)
92
00:03:29,076 --> 00:03:30,309
For real?
93
00:03:30,311 --> 00:03:32,077
The doctors
gave up on him.
94
00:03:32,079 --> 00:03:34,213
He's too crazy
for their modern medicine.
95
00:03:34,215 --> 00:03:36,348
(groans)
where is my phone?
96
00:03:36,350 --> 00:03:40,219
And if you don't back off,
I'm bringing him on this bus,
97
00:03:40,221 --> 00:03:43,155
And he'll smear you
against a window.
98
00:03:45,291 --> 00:03:46,425
J.C. Was running scared.
99
00:03:46,427 --> 00:03:47,726
Now I just had to get barry
on board.
100
00:03:47,728 --> 00:03:51,330
Unfortunately,
he was a little preoccupied
with more urgent matters.
101
00:03:51,332 --> 00:03:57,236
The dude on tv said
my football phone would
be here in eight weeks.
102
00:03:57,238 --> 00:03:57,803
It's been 10!
103
00:03:57,805 --> 00:04:00,505
I mean, what am I
supposed to do, huh?
104
00:04:00,507 --> 00:04:02,774
Make phone calls
on a phone-shaped phone
105
00:04:02,776 --> 00:04:03,976
Like some kind
of animal?
106
00:04:03,978 --> 00:04:06,111
I say good day
to you, sir.
107
00:04:06,113 --> 00:04:06,812
(receiver slams)
108
00:04:06,814 --> 00:04:08,213
Rough stuff, man.
(sighs)
109
00:04:08,215 --> 00:04:11,516
I can see you're
going through a lot.
110
00:04:11,518 --> 00:04:12,384
Speaking of
difficult problems,
111
00:04:12,386 --> 00:04:13,719
Is there any way
you would start
112
00:04:13,721 --> 00:04:15,454
Riding the bus to school
with me again? Huh?
113
00:04:15,456 --> 00:04:16,455
Why would I ride the bus
with you
114
00:04:16,457 --> 00:04:18,890
When I carpool with erica and
her smoking-hot friend lainey
115
00:04:18,892 --> 00:04:22,027
Who secretly loves me but
is too afraid to act on it?
116
00:04:22,029 --> 00:04:22,527
(sighs) look.
117
00:04:22,529 --> 00:04:24,763
There's this kid
who's making my life hell.
118
00:04:24,765 --> 00:04:27,299
And if you were there,
he'd leave me alone.
119
00:04:27,301 --> 00:04:29,468
I do have an air
of badass about me.
120
00:04:29,470 --> 00:04:31,303
So you'll do it?
Hmm.
121
00:04:31,305 --> 00:04:32,504
I've given it
a lot of thought,
122
00:04:32,506 --> 00:04:35,874
And I'm respectfully declining
your stupid-ass invitation.
123
00:04:35,876 --> 00:04:36,608
Please! I'm begging you!
124
00:04:36,610 --> 00:04:38,143
I'll give you
all my garbage pail kids.
125
00:04:38,145 --> 00:04:41,246
See? They're like
baseball cards,
but hilarious.
126
00:04:41,248 --> 00:04:43,682
One day, these will be
worth millions.
127
00:04:43,684 --> 00:04:44,483
They're not.
128
00:04:44,485 --> 00:04:46,084
All right. Fine.
Whatever. I'm in.
129
00:04:46,086 --> 00:04:47,052
For real?
Listen, bro.
130
00:04:47,054 --> 00:04:49,821
You're literally
the most annoying,
un-athletic,
131
00:04:49,823 --> 00:04:52,891
Four-eyed, almost girl-like
dork I've ever met.
132
00:04:52,893 --> 00:04:56,728
But you're my brother,
and no one
beats you up but me.
133
00:04:56,730 --> 00:04:57,529
(chuckles)
134
00:04:57,531 --> 00:05:00,699
I was touched, insulted,
and kind of angry,
135
00:05:00,701 --> 00:05:03,769
But I'd gotten
what I wanted.
136
00:05:04,804 --> 00:05:05,437
No, stop!
137
00:05:05,439 --> 00:05:07,673
Once the chair
molds to your body,
there's no going back!
138
00:05:07,675 --> 00:05:10,442
It's imprinted to you
for life!
Wha?
139
00:05:10,444 --> 00:05:13,111
The first 48 hours
are the most important.
140
00:05:13,113 --> 00:05:14,946
Get up! Get up!
141
00:05:15,081 --> 00:05:16,548
Aw, damn it.
142
00:05:16,550 --> 00:05:19,284
Now it's got your
tiny girl imprint.
143
00:05:19,286 --> 00:05:22,220
This is truly the worst thing
to ever happen to me.
144
00:05:22,222 --> 00:05:26,558
Okay. I'm gonna leave you
to whatever this is.
145
00:05:27,927 --> 00:05:30,462
(glory of love playing)
146
00:05:40,673 --> 00:05:44,943
♪ tonight, it's very clear
oh! What is that pitch?
147
00:05:44,945 --> 00:05:48,246
♪ as we're both lying here
148
00:05:48,514 --> 00:05:50,449
♪ there's so many things
I want to say
149
00:05:50,451 --> 00:05:52,584
I see you!
Oh, crap!
150
00:05:52,586 --> 00:05:53,952
Don't make me get up!
151
00:05:53,954 --> 00:05:57,756
I don't like getting up!
♪ I will always love you
152
00:05:57,758 --> 00:05:59,391
Get the hell
out of here now!
153
00:05:59,393 --> 00:06:00,992
♪ I would never
leave you alone ♪
(both laugh)
154
00:06:00,994 --> 00:06:04,596
His beloved chair was gone,
and my dad was livid,
155
00:06:04,598 --> 00:06:08,533
So he decided to strike back
where she'd feel it most...
156
00:06:08,535 --> 00:06:10,335
The kitchen.
157
00:06:10,337 --> 00:06:12,270
(clatter)
158
00:06:12,372 --> 00:06:14,172
What is this?
What's happening?
159
00:06:14,174 --> 00:06:15,574
Where's my stove?
160
00:06:15,576 --> 00:06:17,109
Surprise!
161
00:06:17,111 --> 00:06:18,310
Don't you love it?
162
00:06:18,312 --> 00:06:21,046
Murray,
where is my stove?
163
00:06:21,048 --> 00:06:22,848
You know,
you're always complaining
164
00:06:22,850 --> 00:06:25,217
About slaving away
in the kitchen,
165
00:06:25,219 --> 00:06:27,252
So I got you a gift.
166
00:06:27,254 --> 00:06:28,353
Dinner's
in a half an hour.
167
00:06:28,355 --> 00:06:31,123
What the hell am I
supposed to cook with?
168
00:06:31,125 --> 00:06:32,424
All: Ooh.
169
00:06:32,426 --> 00:06:35,293
The microwave...
A new miracle of technology
170
00:06:35,295 --> 00:06:38,897
That magically cooked food
in a tenth of the time.
171
00:06:38,899 --> 00:06:41,366
And, man,
did it boil my mom.
172
00:06:41,368 --> 00:06:43,869
My god.
How does it work?
173
00:06:43,871 --> 00:06:47,272
I know you're gonna think
I'm crazy when I say this.
174
00:06:47,274 --> 00:06:48,306
Magic.
175
00:06:48,308 --> 00:06:49,941
I'd buy that.
I agree.
176
00:06:49,943 --> 00:06:51,410
It's not magic,
people.
177
00:06:51,412 --> 00:06:53,779
(beeping)
it's an evil food box.
178
00:06:54,814 --> 00:06:57,349
Hot. It's hot.
It's hot.
179
00:06:57,351 --> 00:06:59,985
Popcorn
in four minutes!
180
00:06:59,987 --> 00:07:00,452
Ooh.
181
00:07:00,454 --> 00:07:04,790
A cure for polio,
a man on the moon,
and now this.
182
00:07:05,291 --> 00:07:06,525
Hey!
Are you nuts?
183
00:07:06,527 --> 00:07:10,796
That food's been radiated.
It's like poison in a bag.
184
00:07:10,798 --> 00:07:11,263
(sighs)
185
00:07:11,265 --> 00:07:15,300
Bev, I did this
for your own good.
186
00:07:15,368 --> 00:07:16,768
That small wonder
over there
187
00:07:16,770 --> 00:07:19,805
Is gonna make your life
so much better.
188
00:07:19,807 --> 00:07:22,007
You're playing
a very dangerous game.
189
00:07:22,009 --> 00:07:23,675
Are you sure
you want to take me on?
190
00:07:23,677 --> 00:07:25,744
Oh, I'm sure...
191
00:07:25,746 --> 00:07:30,115
In honor of my fallen
comrade, mr. Chair.
192
00:07:30,917 --> 00:07:31,716
Your fallen comrade
smelled
193
00:07:31,718 --> 00:07:35,053
Like an envelope
full of farts!
(beeping)
194
00:07:35,421 --> 00:07:36,588
I just heated up
a lasagna
195
00:07:36,590 --> 00:07:40,659
In the time it took
for your relationship
to collapse.
196
00:07:41,360 --> 00:07:43,795
While my mom was trying
not to go nuclear,
197
00:07:43,797 --> 00:07:47,265
Things were about to blow up
on the bus.
198
00:07:47,267 --> 00:07:48,767
Hey, gold-nerd!
199
00:07:48,769 --> 00:07:51,036
Look whose brother
didn't show up.
200
00:07:51,038 --> 00:07:53,538
Time for target practice.
201
00:07:59,078 --> 00:08:04,349
I think it's time you leave
my little brother alone
or I'll spit at you...
202
00:08:04,351 --> 00:08:05,650
Without a ball!
203
00:08:05,652 --> 00:08:06,651
It'll be all spit.
204
00:08:06,653 --> 00:08:08,553
(all groan)
no ball?
205
00:08:08,555 --> 00:08:10,522
Come on, man.
That's crazy.
206
00:08:10,524 --> 00:08:11,356
That's right.
207
00:08:11,358 --> 00:08:13,658
And there's a good chance
I have mono,
208
00:08:13,660 --> 00:08:16,862
'cause I sleep
an insane amount.
209
00:08:16,864 --> 00:08:19,164
Listen up,
little bus people.
210
00:08:19,166 --> 00:08:20,665
There's a new sheriff
in town,
211
00:08:20,667 --> 00:08:25,136
And his name is
barry norman goldberg.
212
00:08:25,138 --> 00:08:28,106
If you have anything
to say to my little bro,
213
00:08:28,108 --> 00:08:29,307
You say it to me first.
214
00:08:29,309 --> 00:08:31,610
Except you, tyler.
You can speak to me directly.
215
00:08:31,612 --> 00:08:33,612
He's cool. We were
in pippin together.
216
00:08:33,614 --> 00:08:35,747
I am quite
the song-and-dance man.
217
00:08:35,749 --> 00:08:37,516
Tyler, not helping!
218
00:08:38,551 --> 00:08:40,118
Beat it, loser.
219
00:08:41,220 --> 00:08:42,454
I couldn't believe it.
220
00:08:42,456 --> 00:08:43,488
After years
of torturing me,
221
00:08:43,490 --> 00:08:46,658
Barry actually
came to my rescue.
222
00:08:46,660 --> 00:08:48,159
Dude, thank you.
223
00:08:48,161 --> 00:08:49,561
No problem.
224
00:08:49,563 --> 00:08:51,296
Now give me your lunch.
225
00:08:51,797 --> 00:08:55,166
Being awesome
makes me hungry.
226
00:08:55,735 --> 00:08:58,537
You're supposed to use
the spreader.
227
00:08:59,505 --> 00:09:00,205
Consider it used.
228
00:09:00,207 --> 00:09:04,075
And just like that,
my new bodyguard
became my new bully.
229
00:09:04,077 --> 00:09:09,614
And at home,
my mom and dad's battle
had become a war.
230
00:09:11,250 --> 00:09:17,289
His tightie-whitie drawer
had been invaded by boxers.
231
00:09:17,757 --> 00:09:19,257
Here you go, sweetie.
232
00:09:19,259 --> 00:09:23,194
Straight out of
the radioactive heat box.
233
00:09:23,196 --> 00:09:24,262
Oh.
234
00:09:24,264 --> 00:09:27,065
It's like eating
egg-flavored newspaper.
235
00:09:27,067 --> 00:09:28,400
All right,
we need to talk.
236
00:09:28,402 --> 00:09:31,937
Oh, morning, sweetie.
Would you like some
microwaved egg rubber?
237
00:09:31,939 --> 00:09:34,606
No. I would like
my underpants back.
238
00:09:34,608 --> 00:09:35,840
Oh, well,
you're holding them.
239
00:09:35,842 --> 00:09:37,108
No, no. These are
not my underpants.
240
00:09:37,110 --> 00:09:41,346
Mine are white, tight,
and they keep the fellas
in place.
241
00:09:41,348 --> 00:09:41,980
Not hungry.
242
00:09:41,982 --> 00:09:43,615
Well,
now you have boxers.
243
00:09:43,617 --> 00:09:45,317
You know,
scientific research shows
244
00:09:45,319 --> 00:09:47,218
That you need to let
your privates breathe,
245
00:09:47,220 --> 00:09:49,254
Especially if we're gonna
have more kids one day.
246
00:09:49,256 --> 00:09:53,024
First, I will never wear
shorts under my pants.
247
00:09:53,026 --> 00:09:54,025
It's madness!
248
00:09:54,027 --> 00:09:55,727
And second,
having more children
249
00:09:55,729 --> 00:09:58,964
Is literally
my worst nightmare!
250
00:09:59,832 --> 00:10:01,833
You'll understand
when you have horrible kids.
251
00:10:01,835 --> 00:10:04,869
Sweetie, I'm only doing
this for your own good.
252
00:10:05,237 --> 00:10:07,005
You want war?
253
00:10:07,007 --> 00:10:08,940
You got one.
254
00:10:10,610 --> 00:10:12,644
My mom thought
she had struck
the death blow
255
00:10:12,646 --> 00:10:14,913
By taking away
my dad's tightie-whities.
256
00:10:14,915 --> 00:10:18,984
Little did she know,
things were about
to get ugly...
257
00:10:18,986 --> 00:10:19,985
Real ugly.
Well, well.
258
00:10:19,987 --> 00:10:24,222
Look who finally came
around on the boxers.
Nope.
259
00:10:24,224 --> 00:10:26,191
But you're dressed
for work.
Yep.
260
00:10:26,193 --> 00:10:29,861
So everything's just
all free in there?
Yep.
261
00:10:29,863 --> 00:10:31,062
No!
262
00:10:31,064 --> 00:10:33,064
You're an adult man
in society.
263
00:10:33,066 --> 00:10:34,666
You need another layer!
264
00:10:34,668 --> 00:10:37,302
People won't see it,
but they'll sense it.
265
00:10:37,304 --> 00:10:39,104
You wanted my boys
to breathe.
266
00:10:39,106 --> 00:10:41,406
Well, they're taking
a big breath.
267
00:10:41,408 --> 00:10:45,377
That's right.
The three amigos,
they're dining alfresco.
268
00:10:45,379 --> 00:10:47,112
Have a nice day.
269
00:10:47,279 --> 00:10:49,280
Why are you patting my head?
What's happening?
270
00:10:49,282 --> 00:10:52,250
Nothing.
Nothing at all.
271
00:10:52,818 --> 00:10:55,787
What did you do?
What did you do?
272
00:10:55,789 --> 00:10:57,889
Holy (bleep).
273
00:10:58,924 --> 00:11:00,525
Where's my aqua net?
274
00:11:00,527 --> 00:11:03,461
Oh, your can
of hair spray!
275
00:11:03,463 --> 00:11:06,097
Yeah. I got rid of it
for your own good.
276
00:11:06,099 --> 00:11:09,801
Did you know
it's burning a hole
in the ozone layer?
277
00:11:09,803 --> 00:11:13,471
I don't want to hear about
some imaginary layer
in the sky.
278
00:11:13,473 --> 00:11:15,507
I'm leading a pta meeting
in 30 minutes,
279
00:11:15,509 --> 00:11:18,276
And I need
to command respect
with my giant hair!
280
00:11:18,278 --> 00:11:20,879
You get me the chair,
I'll give you the hair.
281
00:11:20,881 --> 00:11:23,148
Oh, you think
you beat me on this?
282
00:11:23,150 --> 00:11:26,384
Well, our daughter
has a whole arsenal
of hair products,
283
00:11:26,386 --> 00:11:28,787
And she has been dying
to give me a new look.
284
00:11:28,789 --> 00:11:31,122
Oh, my god.
What did I just hear?
Is this real?
285
00:11:31,124 --> 00:11:34,626
Are we finally getting rid
of that terrible
blonde helmet?
286
00:11:34,628 --> 00:11:37,429
Okay, close your eyes.
I'm doing your bangs.
Mmm-hmm.
287
00:11:37,431 --> 00:11:40,365
This is gonna be
totally rad.
Hmm.
288
00:11:42,401 --> 00:11:44,169
(sizzling)
289
00:11:51,444 --> 00:11:53,578
How's it looking?
290
00:11:53,879 --> 00:11:56,781
Really, really awesome.
291
00:11:56,783 --> 00:11:58,083
Oh.
292
00:11:59,819 --> 00:12:01,052
(screams)
293
00:12:01,054 --> 00:12:03,088
I know!
Oh, my god!
294
00:12:03,090 --> 00:12:05,390
I know!
How did this happen?
295
00:12:05,392 --> 00:12:06,624
I don't know!
296
00:12:06,626 --> 00:12:08,493
Oh! It fried my hair!
297
00:12:08,495 --> 00:12:11,029
Like, really quickly.
It's so unhealthy.
298
00:12:11,031 --> 00:12:13,932
It's like you have a head
full of sagebrush.
299
00:12:13,934 --> 00:12:14,766
(gasping)
300
00:12:14,768 --> 00:12:17,102
I know!
Oh, my god!
301
00:12:17,104 --> 00:12:19,204
What are we gonna do
about this?
302
00:12:19,206 --> 00:12:22,207
Okay. Okay.
Let's take a chill pill.
303
00:12:22,209 --> 00:12:24,709
I know I can fix this.
304
00:12:25,411 --> 00:12:26,745
Hi, pta.
305
00:12:26,747 --> 00:12:29,280
Let's talk spring fling.
(chuckles)
306
00:12:29,282 --> 00:12:30,048
What's with your hair?
307
00:12:30,050 --> 00:12:32,617
Don't look at it,
karen.
308
00:12:35,020 --> 00:12:36,020
Afternoon, friends.
309
00:12:36,022 --> 00:12:39,758
You're all looking
particularly small
today, huh?
310
00:12:39,760 --> 00:12:42,160
Hey, tyler.
311
00:12:42,895 --> 00:12:44,863
Cool frisbee.
312
00:12:45,464 --> 00:12:47,065
(chuckles)
313
00:12:47,533 --> 00:12:49,000
My frisbee.
314
00:12:49,002 --> 00:12:51,603
Yo, spinkter.
315
00:12:51,605 --> 00:12:53,538
Give me
those cheese doodles.
316
00:12:53,540 --> 00:12:54,172
Just take them, barry.
317
00:12:54,174 --> 00:12:56,674
Who's this barry
you speak off?
318
00:12:56,676 --> 00:12:58,910
(sighs) take them...
319
00:12:59,311 --> 00:13:00,411
Bus lord.
320
00:13:00,413 --> 00:13:01,212
That's right.
321
00:13:01,214 --> 00:13:03,414
My plan for a bodyguard
had backfired,
322
00:13:03,416 --> 00:13:06,751
And now it was up to me
to banish our evil bus lord.
323
00:13:06,753 --> 00:13:08,920
You know, I think I got
this bus stuff handled,
324
00:13:08,922 --> 00:13:11,089
So it's probably time
you go back and ride
325
00:13:11,091 --> 00:13:12,991
With erica and
her smoking-hot friends.
326
00:13:12,993 --> 00:13:15,059
Dude,
I'm never going back.
327
00:13:15,061 --> 00:13:18,296
This bus is mine now.
It's my home.
328
00:13:18,298 --> 00:13:21,132
Now, leave me be.
I find you boring.
329
00:13:21,200 --> 00:13:21,566
Stop!
330
00:13:21,568 --> 00:13:23,802
What just happened
on your shirt?
331
00:13:24,637 --> 00:13:25,470
Oh, it's hypercolor.
332
00:13:25,472 --> 00:13:26,871
The color changes
when you touch it.
333
00:13:26,873 --> 00:13:28,640
I bought it with
my lawn-mowing money.
334
00:13:28,642 --> 00:13:30,909
I want it.
What? No!
335
00:13:30,911 --> 00:13:32,377
You'll stretch it out.
336
00:13:32,379 --> 00:13:33,211
Good point.
337
00:13:33,213 --> 00:13:34,479
Then you will use
your hard-earned money
338
00:13:34,481 --> 00:13:38,449
To buy me one
that accommodates
my muscular body.
339
00:13:39,118 --> 00:13:40,652
(sighs)
340
00:13:45,424 --> 00:13:48,293
Your brother's
a real ass-bag.
341
00:13:48,295 --> 00:13:49,594
Yes. Yes, he is.
342
00:13:49,596 --> 00:13:53,731
This whole thing's been
a very eye-opening experience.
343
00:13:53,733 --> 00:13:55,967
I'm sorry for
the way I treated you.
344
00:13:55,969 --> 00:13:58,269
It won't happen again.
345
00:13:58,271 --> 00:13:58,870
(sighs)
346
00:13:58,872 --> 00:14:01,673
What do you say we get barry
off this bus for good?
347
00:14:01,675 --> 00:14:02,407
There's no way.
348
00:14:02,409 --> 00:14:05,743
(chuckling)
oh, there's always a way.
349
00:14:06,178 --> 00:14:07,212
(sniffs)
350
00:14:07,214 --> 00:14:10,014
Okay, look, everybody.
Come here.
351
00:14:10,016 --> 00:14:12,217
We all know
where we sit on this bus.
352
00:14:12,219 --> 00:14:13,952
Some of us
are back-row material.
353
00:14:13,954 --> 00:14:15,119
Some, like me, kind of
float in the middle.
354
00:14:15,121 --> 00:14:18,189
♪ tonight it's very clear
a few of us totally suck
and sit in the front.
355
00:14:18,191 --> 00:14:22,727
♪ as we're both lying here
but for once, let's forget
about what row we sit in.
356
00:14:22,729 --> 00:14:25,897
For once,
let's work together
and take our bus!
357
00:14:25,899 --> 00:14:27,265
Now who's with me?
358
00:14:27,267 --> 00:14:27,765
I am!
359
00:14:27,767 --> 00:14:29,200
(sighs)
damn it, tyler.
360
00:14:29,202 --> 00:14:30,635
You scared the crap
out of me.
361
00:14:30,637 --> 00:14:34,138
(sighs) but I love
the enthusiasm.
362
00:14:37,877 --> 00:14:38,610
Whoa, stop!
363
00:14:38,612 --> 00:14:40,311
Don't park your pants
at the door.
364
00:14:40,313 --> 00:14:42,347
Rumor has it
you're going alfresco.
365
00:14:42,349 --> 00:14:46,718
Oh, damn it. I forgot.
I miss my underpants.
366
00:14:46,720 --> 00:14:47,719
Ah, you'll
get used to it.
367
00:14:47,721 --> 00:14:50,521
I've been going alfresco
since the '70s.
368
00:14:50,523 --> 00:14:52,223
My dad didn't think
he could miss anything
369
00:14:52,225 --> 00:14:54,259
More than
his tightie-whities.
370
00:14:54,261 --> 00:14:55,927
Boy, was he wrong.
371
00:14:55,929 --> 00:14:57,262
What the hell?
372
00:14:57,264 --> 00:14:58,496
Tv's gone, mur.
373
00:14:58,498 --> 00:14:59,797
Yeah, I see that.
374
00:14:59,799 --> 00:15:00,798
Beverly took it.
375
00:15:00,800 --> 00:15:01,699
I figured that.
376
00:15:01,701 --> 00:15:03,301
You lost the war, pal.
Stop talking.
377
00:15:03,303 --> 00:15:06,204
You know, I've been watching
these fish for 10 minutes,
378
00:15:06,206 --> 00:15:09,974
And I got to tell you,
it's some entertaining stuff.
379
00:15:09,976 --> 00:15:12,610
These two fish,
they're complete opposites.
380
00:15:12,612 --> 00:15:16,114
They'll never get along,
but they have to.
381
00:15:16,116 --> 00:15:18,583
They live
in close quarters.
382
00:15:18,585 --> 00:15:19,651
Stop talking!
383
00:15:19,653 --> 00:15:20,184
Isn't it great?
384
00:15:20,186 --> 00:15:23,588
It's like being in the lobby
of a benihana.
(chuckles)
385
00:15:23,590 --> 00:15:25,223
And the best part
about it is
386
00:15:25,225 --> 00:15:27,492
You need to constantly
tend to it.
387
00:15:27,494 --> 00:15:29,427
Getting rid of the tv,
that's nuts.
388
00:15:29,429 --> 00:15:31,696
That's the glue that holds
this family together.
389
00:15:31,698 --> 00:15:33,765
Everyone know that
tv strains your eyes.
390
00:15:33,767 --> 00:15:35,300
I did this
for your own good.
391
00:15:35,302 --> 00:15:37,568
Don't do anything
for my own good, okay?
392
00:15:37,570 --> 00:15:38,503
I'm fine.
I don't need your help.
393
00:15:38,505 --> 00:15:41,606
Really? Do you know
how many things
I do for you,
394
00:15:41,608 --> 00:15:43,074
Things you don't even
know anything about?
395
00:15:43,076 --> 00:15:48,813
So sue me if I want you
to sit in a chair that's
not a disgusting fart trap
396
00:15:48,815 --> 00:15:51,482
That ruins the scheme
of my entire living room.
397
00:15:51,484 --> 00:15:55,520
Aha! Right there!
You did it for you.
398
00:15:55,721 --> 00:15:57,121
What? (stammers)
399
00:15:57,123 --> 00:16:00,792
That hurts your back...
A chair that hurts
your back.
400
00:16:00,794 --> 00:16:03,194
Too late.
You said it.
401
00:16:03,196 --> 00:16:04,362
Yes,
that chair may be old,
402
00:16:04,364 --> 00:16:07,966
But it's because
I... I sit in it,
I sleep in it, I eat in it,
403
00:16:07,968 --> 00:16:09,567
I even raised
our children from it.
404
00:16:09,569 --> 00:16:11,235
I know you do
a lot for me.
405
00:16:11,237 --> 00:16:12,904
You do,
and I love you for it.
406
00:16:12,906 --> 00:16:15,306
But you didn't get rid
of that chair for me.
407
00:16:15,308 --> 00:16:18,409
You got rid of that chair
for you.
408
00:16:21,613 --> 00:16:23,314
Things were still hell
on the bus,
409
00:16:23,316 --> 00:16:26,718
And now our evil emperor
had new clothes.
410
00:16:26,720 --> 00:16:28,353
Step aside.
411
00:16:28,355 --> 00:16:30,655
Hands off
the hypercolor.
412
00:16:30,657 --> 00:16:32,023
Don't touch the bod.
413
00:16:32,025 --> 00:16:33,992
What are you doing?
Move.
414
00:16:33,994 --> 00:16:36,194
Nah. I don't think
I'm gonna do that.
415
00:16:36,196 --> 00:16:37,061
This isn't a request.
416
00:16:37,063 --> 00:16:39,630
Either you do it
or I'll throw you
off the bus.
417
00:16:39,632 --> 00:16:40,965
That's where
you're wrong, dude.
418
00:16:40,967 --> 00:16:43,034
This isn't your bus
anymore.
419
00:16:43,036 --> 00:16:44,869
Says who?
420
00:16:45,204 --> 00:16:46,571
Says me.
421
00:16:46,573 --> 00:16:47,805
(scoffs)
422
00:16:47,807 --> 00:16:49,540
♪ I am a man
423
00:16:49,542 --> 00:16:53,978
♪ who will fight
for your honor
424
00:16:53,980 --> 00:16:56,514
♪ I'll be the hero
425
00:16:56,516 --> 00:16:57,248
You owe me a frisbee.
426
00:16:57,250 --> 00:16:59,717
♪ you been dreaming of
let's get him!
427
00:16:59,719 --> 00:17:00,284
Boy: Yeah!
428
00:17:00,286 --> 00:17:03,855
(indistinct shouting)
♪ we'll live forever
429
00:17:03,857 --> 00:17:06,691
All: Bye!
♪ knowing together
430
00:17:06,693 --> 00:17:08,292
♪ that we did it all
431
00:17:08,294 --> 00:17:10,728
Hands.
♪ for the glory of love
432
00:17:10,730 --> 00:17:11,496
There's so many hands.
433
00:17:11,498 --> 00:17:13,965
While barry was
no longer king of the bus,
434
00:17:13,967 --> 00:17:16,401
My mom was looking
for my father's throne.
435
00:17:16,403 --> 00:17:19,303
Uh, hi. I'm looking
for a mr. Nitrous.
436
00:17:19,305 --> 00:17:22,006
This is he.
And it's just nitrous.
437
00:17:22,008 --> 00:17:22,707
Mr. Nitrous is my dad.
438
00:17:22,709 --> 00:17:25,576
That's nice.
Listen, I was just
at the goodwill,
439
00:17:25,578 --> 00:17:29,547
And I was told that
you purchased something
that I need.
440
00:17:29,549 --> 00:17:30,381
That's my chair,
sweetie.
441
00:17:30,383 --> 00:17:33,384
No way, lady.
I will never
give you my chair.
442
00:17:33,386 --> 00:17:37,255
This thing's my throne.
It's shaped perfectly
to my body.
443
00:17:37,257 --> 00:17:40,625
Not your body,
my husband's body,
444
00:17:40,627 --> 00:17:43,294
Which also is very similar
to your body.
445
00:17:43,296 --> 00:17:46,130
Let me just
buy it back from you.
Name your price.
446
00:17:46,132 --> 00:17:47,298
Show me your boobs.
No!
447
00:17:47,300 --> 00:17:48,833
Then give me $1 million.
No.
448
00:17:48,835 --> 00:17:51,769
I'd very much like to revisit
the boob conversation.
449
00:17:51,771 --> 00:17:52,503
No.
450
00:17:52,505 --> 00:17:54,005
Show me your boobs.
No!
451
00:17:54,007 --> 00:17:54,772
Then give me $1 million.
452
00:17:54,774 --> 00:17:57,308
Okay, I feel
like we're going
in circles, nitrous.
453
00:17:57,310 --> 00:18:01,612
And if you ask me,
(chuckles) this house
is full of boobs.
454
00:18:01,614 --> 00:18:02,413
I'm looking at them.
455
00:18:02,415 --> 00:18:04,715
And this place is a pigsty,
and you're all dressed
like slobs.
456
00:18:04,717 --> 00:18:10,354
And when was the last time
one of you ate a meal
with a vegetable?
457
00:18:10,923 --> 00:18:11,856
It's been a long time.
458
00:18:11,858 --> 00:18:15,326
Yeah. You don't need boobs.
You need your laundry done.
459
00:18:15,328 --> 00:18:16,060
You need your bed made.
460
00:18:16,062 --> 00:18:19,297
You need to scour
every surface in this house
461
00:18:19,299 --> 00:18:22,433
Before one of you gets
a wicked staph infection.
462
00:18:22,435 --> 00:18:26,370
It's just...
We don't know how.
463
00:18:26,372 --> 00:18:28,639
Mama's here, nitrous.
464
00:18:28,641 --> 00:18:30,341
♪ I am a man
465
00:18:30,343 --> 00:18:34,779
♪ who will fight
for your honor
466
00:18:34,980 --> 00:18:37,982
♪ I'll be the hero
467
00:18:37,984 --> 00:18:41,552
♪ you've been dreaming of
468
00:18:41,554 --> 00:18:44,856
♪ we'll live forever
469
00:18:44,858 --> 00:18:47,325
♪ knowing together
470
00:18:47,327 --> 00:18:50,294
♪ that we did it all
471
00:18:50,296 --> 00:18:54,432
♪ for the glory of love
472
00:18:56,034 --> 00:18:58,569
♪ it's like a knight
in shining armor
473
00:18:58,571 --> 00:19:00,805
♪ from a long time ago
while my mom cleaned up
her mess with my dad,
474
00:19:00,807 --> 00:19:03,040
I was hoping barry
would forgive my dirty work.
475
00:19:03,042 --> 00:19:04,976
♪ just in time,
I will save the day
hey, big news.
476
00:19:04,978 --> 00:19:08,012
The mailman came.
Special delivery
for big tasty.
477
00:19:08,014 --> 00:19:11,048
♪ take you to my castle
far away ♪
wow! Great!
478
00:19:11,050 --> 00:19:13,951
It's a phone!
It's a football!
479
00:19:13,953 --> 00:19:15,720
Whatever.
(thud)
480
00:19:15,722 --> 00:19:19,590
So, you finally got it.
That's cool, right?
481
00:19:19,592 --> 00:19:22,126
So that means we're cool,
too, right?
482
00:19:22,128 --> 00:19:24,028
You led a mutiny
against me, dude.
483
00:19:24,030 --> 00:19:25,396
We are most definitely
not cool.
484
00:19:25,398 --> 00:19:28,366
I didn't have a choice.
You went mad with power!
485
00:19:28,368 --> 00:19:30,768
Listen... I know
from the outside it may
486
00:19:30,770 --> 00:19:34,372
Seem like
I have a perfect life,
but the truth is
487
00:19:34,374 --> 00:19:35,773
There are a lot of jerks
at school
488
00:19:35,775 --> 00:19:38,042
That aren't
so nice to me.
489
00:19:38,177 --> 00:19:41,612
It was cool to have a place
where I had respect for once.
490
00:19:41,614 --> 00:19:43,948
I didn't know that.
491
00:19:44,383 --> 00:19:45,783
Here.
492
00:19:45,785 --> 00:19:48,119
Take your
garbage pail kids back.
493
00:19:48,121 --> 00:19:50,521
You don't need to pay me
to protect you.
494
00:19:50,523 --> 00:19:52,957
I want to because
you're my brother.
495
00:19:53,792 --> 00:19:58,429
As for my mom, she got
her hair back...Eventually.
496
00:19:58,431 --> 00:20:02,233
Come on. Can't I
give it one more try?
497
00:20:06,205 --> 00:20:10,408
And most importantly,
my dad got his chair back.
498
00:20:10,410 --> 00:20:11,976
Oh, my god!
499
00:20:12,878 --> 00:20:14,445
♪ I'll be the hero
I can't believe it.
500
00:20:14,447 --> 00:20:18,649
♪ that you're dreaming of
don't thank me.
I did it for your own good.
501
00:20:19,585 --> 00:20:22,119
Ah.
♪ gonna live forever
502
00:20:22,121 --> 00:20:26,490
♪ knowing together
mr. Chair. Mr. Chair!
(sighs)
503
00:20:26,492 --> 00:20:29,427
♪ that we did it all
for the glory of love ♪
504
00:20:29,429 --> 00:20:30,394
Smells like beer.
505
00:20:30,396 --> 00:20:32,697
No, it doesn't.
Okay.
506
00:20:41,139 --> 00:20:41,939
Erica!
507
00:20:41,941 --> 00:20:43,174
I've been honking
for forever.
508
00:20:43,176 --> 00:20:44,375
We're gonna be late
for school.
509
00:20:44,377 --> 00:20:46,344
Erica: I overslept.
Give me a second.
510
00:20:46,346 --> 00:20:49,113
What's up, lainey?
Got some good news.
511
00:20:49,115 --> 00:20:51,315
I'm gonna ride
with you guys again.
512
00:20:51,317 --> 00:20:53,351
(groans) please.
513
00:20:53,353 --> 00:20:54,018
Wow.
514
00:20:54,020 --> 00:20:55,519
Got some hypercolor
there, huh?
515
00:20:55,521 --> 00:20:59,557
Yeah. You, uh...
Digging it?
516
00:20:59,559 --> 00:21:01,192
Actually...
517
00:21:01,194 --> 00:21:02,627
Yes, I am.
518
00:21:02,629 --> 00:21:03,694
You're looking
really good, bar.
519
00:21:03,696 --> 00:21:07,331
Got to be honest.
Never thought of you this way.
520
00:21:08,467 --> 00:21:10,134
Oh, no.
521
00:21:11,069 --> 00:21:12,637
Is it hot in here?
522
00:21:12,639 --> 00:21:14,038
Oh, yeah.
523
00:21:14,040 --> 00:21:15,306
It's hot.
524
00:21:15,308 --> 00:21:15,940
(chuckles)
525
00:21:15,942 --> 00:21:20,144
Lainey, stop messing
with him. Let's go.
526
00:21:20,579 --> 00:21:22,680
I knew she was
messing with me.
527
00:21:22,682 --> 00:21:25,783
I mean, come on.
Do I look stupid?