1 00:00:00,400 --> 00:00:01,533 (alarm ringing) 2 00:00:01,535 --> 00:00:03,669 Adult adam: It's a funny thing about dads... 3 00:00:03,671 --> 00:00:06,805 They always tend to be creatures of habit. 4 00:00:06,807 --> 00:00:08,707 At least, my father was. 5 00:00:08,709 --> 00:00:11,143 He liked what he liked, and he hated change. 6 00:00:11,145 --> 00:00:14,913 Ever since I can remember, he wore the same shoes, 7 00:00:14,915 --> 00:00:17,616 He ate the same breakfast. (crunching) 8 00:00:17,684 --> 00:00:18,984 I'm home! 9 00:00:18,986 --> 00:00:20,019 Don't anybody bother me! 10 00:00:20,021 --> 00:00:22,087 And every day, he'd come home at 5:15, 11 00:00:22,089 --> 00:00:25,090 Park his pants at the door, sit in the same chair, 12 00:00:25,092 --> 00:00:27,359 And watch the same show. (tv turns on) 13 00:00:27,361 --> 00:00:29,161 If you tried to change anything, 14 00:00:29,163 --> 00:00:30,295 He'd fight you tooth and nail. 15 00:00:30,297 --> 00:00:31,964 That's why my mom created the illusion 16 00:00:31,966 --> 00:00:34,833 Everything stayed the same, but it wasn't. 17 00:00:34,835 --> 00:00:37,469 That magical pair of shoes that never wore out... 18 00:00:37,471 --> 00:00:40,172 She secretly replaced them every eight months. 19 00:00:40,174 --> 00:00:43,842 That laissez-faire attitude about his personal grooming... 20 00:00:43,844 --> 00:00:45,744 She tended to that, too. 21 00:00:45,746 --> 00:00:46,645 She even managed to switch him 22 00:00:46,647 --> 00:00:49,314 To low-fat cream cheese without him noticing. 23 00:00:49,316 --> 00:00:50,349 This tastes funny. 24 00:00:50,351 --> 00:00:51,250 No, it doesn't. Okay. 25 00:00:51,252 --> 00:00:55,320 Yep, beverly goldberg had always been the puppet master, 26 00:00:55,322 --> 00:00:57,823 And my dad had no idea. 27 00:00:57,825 --> 00:00:58,624 Beverly! 28 00:00:58,626 --> 00:01:03,195 That is, until the day she got a new chair. 29 00:01:03,630 --> 00:01:05,164 Beverly! Beverly goldberg! 30 00:01:05,166 --> 00:01:09,368 What the hell is sitting where my chair should be? 31 00:01:09,370 --> 00:01:10,969 Surprise! (chuckles) 32 00:01:10,971 --> 00:01:13,038 I thought it was time for an upgrade. 33 00:01:13,040 --> 00:01:13,972 Don't you just love it? 34 00:01:13,974 --> 00:01:17,309 Where's my chair... The one I've been sitting in for 20 years? 35 00:01:17,311 --> 00:01:18,210 I donated it to goodwill. 36 00:01:18,212 --> 00:01:19,812 Without telling me? Why would you do that? 37 00:01:19,814 --> 00:01:23,382 Honey, you're always complaining about how your back hurts. 38 00:01:23,384 --> 00:01:24,716 It's that old chair. 39 00:01:24,718 --> 00:01:25,584 You never liked that chair. 40 00:01:25,586 --> 00:01:28,387 You've always been jealous of what we've had together. 41 00:01:28,389 --> 00:01:28,954 "we"? Who's "we"? 42 00:01:28,956 --> 00:01:31,957 Me and mr. Chair. That's right, it had a name. 43 00:01:31,959 --> 00:01:33,659 Well, it's not a very good one. 44 00:01:33,661 --> 00:01:34,893 Mine is top-of-the-line. 45 00:01:34,895 --> 00:01:37,729 You're gonna love how comfy it is. 46 00:01:38,698 --> 00:01:41,066 (leather squishes) 47 00:01:41,501 --> 00:01:43,435 Oh. It's so spongy. 48 00:01:43,437 --> 00:01:45,337 Honey, you're gonna have to trust me on this. 49 00:01:45,339 --> 00:01:47,239 I bought it for your own good. 50 00:01:47,241 --> 00:01:49,641 I can't breathe. Can't breathe. 51 00:01:49,643 --> 00:01:50,476 Well, stop sitting like that. 52 00:01:50,478 --> 00:01:52,945 You're sitting uncomfortably on purpose. 53 00:01:52,947 --> 00:01:54,313 It's engulfing me. 54 00:01:54,315 --> 00:01:54,913 Stop it! 55 00:01:54,915 --> 00:01:58,484 Those are exaggerated body movements. 56 00:01:58,785 --> 00:01:59,785 ♪ I'm twisted up inside 57 00:01:59,787 --> 00:02:04,623 ♪ but nonetheless I feel the need to say 58 00:02:06,126 --> 00:02:07,059 ♪ I don't know the future 59 00:02:07,061 --> 00:02:09,761 ♪ but the past keeps getting clearer every day ♪ 60 00:02:09,763 --> 00:02:13,198 (indistinct shouting) adult adam: It was March 7, 1980-something. 61 00:02:13,200 --> 00:02:15,601 And like every day, I rode the bus. 62 00:02:15,603 --> 00:02:17,236 Back then, this was the wild west... 63 00:02:17,238 --> 00:02:19,371 No seatbelts, no security cameras, 64 00:02:19,373 --> 00:02:23,609 No one to stop the one dude who made your life miserable. 65 00:02:23,611 --> 00:02:28,013 For me, it was an eighth grader named j.C. Spink. 66 00:02:28,015 --> 00:02:30,916 Look who it is... Adam gold-nerd. 67 00:02:30,918 --> 00:02:34,086 He may have been tiny, but he was terrible. 68 00:02:34,088 --> 00:02:35,654 Can you please lay off today, j.C.? 69 00:02:35,656 --> 00:02:38,991 I forgot my gym shorts and had to run the mile in jeans. 70 00:02:38,993 --> 00:02:40,025 I have a really bad chafe. 71 00:02:40,027 --> 00:02:43,495 Oh, man. I am so sorry to hear that. 72 00:02:43,630 --> 00:02:44,596 Hey, everybody. 73 00:02:44,598 --> 00:02:46,365 Adam has got some sting-y thighs. 74 00:02:46,367 --> 00:02:49,001 So if I see one spitball hit this kid, 75 00:02:49,003 --> 00:02:50,302 You will have to deal with me. 76 00:02:50,304 --> 00:02:53,138 Wow. Thanks, dude. That's... That's really... 77 00:02:53,140 --> 00:02:55,707 (spits) (laughter) 78 00:02:55,709 --> 00:02:59,111 Everybody get their asses in their seats. 79 00:02:59,113 --> 00:03:00,812 Especially you, spink! 80 00:03:00,814 --> 00:03:02,447 Yes, sir. 81 00:03:02,449 --> 00:03:03,882 Mind if we share? 82 00:03:03,884 --> 00:03:05,083 (brakes hiss) 83 00:03:05,085 --> 00:03:07,819 I was plastered up against that window for the next 20 minutes. 84 00:03:07,821 --> 00:03:12,257 And then I saw barry doing what he did best... Flipping out. 85 00:03:12,259 --> 00:03:16,428 No! No! No, no, no! 86 00:03:16,430 --> 00:03:17,896 What the hell is his deal? 87 00:03:17,898 --> 00:03:20,899 Where the hell is my sports illustrated football phone? 88 00:03:20,901 --> 00:03:23,802 Damn it. Where? Where? Where? 89 00:03:23,804 --> 00:03:24,736 Ow! (groans) 90 00:03:24,738 --> 00:03:26,205 Unreal! Unreal! That's my big brother, barry. 91 00:03:26,207 --> 00:03:29,074 He's clinically insane. (groans) 92 00:03:29,076 --> 00:03:30,309 For real? 93 00:03:30,311 --> 00:03:32,077 The doctors gave up on him. 94 00:03:32,079 --> 00:03:34,213 He's too crazy for their modern medicine. 95 00:03:34,215 --> 00:03:36,348 (groans) where is my phone? 96 00:03:36,350 --> 00:03:40,219 And if you don't back off, I'm bringing him on this bus, 97 00:03:40,221 --> 00:03:43,155 And he'll smear you against a window. 98 00:03:45,291 --> 00:03:46,425 J.C. Was running scared. 99 00:03:46,427 --> 00:03:47,726 Now I just had to get barry on board. 100 00:03:47,728 --> 00:03:51,330 Unfortunately, he was a little preoccupied with more urgent matters. 101 00:03:51,332 --> 00:03:57,236 The dude on tv said my football phone would be here in eight weeks. 102 00:03:57,238 --> 00:03:57,803 It's been 10! 103 00:03:57,805 --> 00:04:00,505 I mean, what am I supposed to do, huh? 104 00:04:00,507 --> 00:04:02,774 Make phone calls on a phone-shaped phone 105 00:04:02,776 --> 00:04:03,976 Like some kind of animal? 106 00:04:03,978 --> 00:04:06,111 I say good day to you, sir. 107 00:04:06,113 --> 00:04:06,812 (receiver slams) 108 00:04:06,814 --> 00:04:08,213 Rough stuff, man. (sighs) 109 00:04:08,215 --> 00:04:11,516 I can see you're going through a lot. 110 00:04:11,518 --> 00:04:12,384 Speaking of difficult problems, 111 00:04:12,386 --> 00:04:13,719 Is there any way you would start 112 00:04:13,721 --> 00:04:15,454 Riding the bus to school with me again? Huh? 113 00:04:15,456 --> 00:04:16,455 Why would I ride the bus with you 114 00:04:16,457 --> 00:04:18,890 When I carpool with erica and her smoking-hot friend lainey 115 00:04:18,892 --> 00:04:22,027 Who secretly loves me but is too afraid to act on it? 116 00:04:22,029 --> 00:04:22,527 (sighs) look. 117 00:04:22,529 --> 00:04:24,763 There's this kid who's making my life hell. 118 00:04:24,765 --> 00:04:27,299 And if you were there, he'd leave me alone. 119 00:04:27,301 --> 00:04:29,468 I do have an air of badass about me. 120 00:04:29,470 --> 00:04:31,303 So you'll do it? Hmm. 121 00:04:31,305 --> 00:04:32,504 I've given it a lot of thought, 122 00:04:32,506 --> 00:04:35,874 And I'm respectfully declining your stupid-ass invitation. 123 00:04:35,876 --> 00:04:36,608 Please! I'm begging you! 124 00:04:36,610 --> 00:04:38,143 I'll give you all my garbage pail kids. 125 00:04:38,145 --> 00:04:41,246 See? They're like baseball cards, but hilarious. 126 00:04:41,248 --> 00:04:43,682 One day, these will be worth millions. 127 00:04:43,684 --> 00:04:44,483 They're not. 128 00:04:44,485 --> 00:04:46,084 All right. Fine. Whatever. I'm in. 129 00:04:46,086 --> 00:04:47,052 For real? Listen, bro. 130 00:04:47,054 --> 00:04:49,821 You're literally the most annoying, un-athletic, 131 00:04:49,823 --> 00:04:52,891 Four-eyed, almost girl-like dork I've ever met. 132 00:04:52,893 --> 00:04:56,728 But you're my brother, and no one beats you up but me. 133 00:04:56,730 --> 00:04:57,529 (chuckles) 134 00:04:57,531 --> 00:05:00,699 I was touched, insulted, and kind of angry, 135 00:05:00,701 --> 00:05:03,769 But I'd gotten what I wanted. 136 00:05:04,804 --> 00:05:05,437 No, stop! 137 00:05:05,439 --> 00:05:07,673 Once the chair molds to your body, there's no going back! 138 00:05:07,675 --> 00:05:10,442 It's imprinted to you for life! Wha? 139 00:05:10,444 --> 00:05:13,111 The first 48 hours are the most important. 140 00:05:13,113 --> 00:05:14,946 Get up! Get up! 141 00:05:15,081 --> 00:05:16,548 Aw, damn it. 142 00:05:16,550 --> 00:05:19,284 Now it's got your tiny girl imprint. 143 00:05:19,286 --> 00:05:22,220 This is truly the worst thing to ever happen to me. 144 00:05:22,222 --> 00:05:26,558 Okay. I'm gonna leave you to whatever this is. 145 00:05:27,927 --> 00:05:30,462 (glory of love playing) 146 00:05:40,673 --> 00:05:44,943 ♪ tonight, it's very clear oh! What is that pitch? 147 00:05:44,945 --> 00:05:48,246 ♪ as we're both lying here 148 00:05:48,514 --> 00:05:50,449 ♪ there's so many things I want to say 149 00:05:50,451 --> 00:05:52,584 I see you! Oh, crap! 150 00:05:52,586 --> 00:05:53,952 Don't make me get up! 151 00:05:53,954 --> 00:05:57,756 I don't like getting up! ♪ I will always love you 152 00:05:57,758 --> 00:05:59,391 Get the hell out of here now! 153 00:05:59,393 --> 00:06:00,992 ♪ I would never leave you alone ♪ (both laugh) 154 00:06:00,994 --> 00:06:04,596 His beloved chair was gone, and my dad was livid, 155 00:06:04,598 --> 00:06:08,533 So he decided to strike back where she'd feel it most... 156 00:06:08,535 --> 00:06:10,335 The kitchen. 157 00:06:10,337 --> 00:06:12,270 (clatter) 158 00:06:12,372 --> 00:06:14,172 What is this? What's happening? 159 00:06:14,174 --> 00:06:15,574 Where's my stove? 160 00:06:15,576 --> 00:06:17,109 Surprise! 161 00:06:17,111 --> 00:06:18,310 Don't you love it? 162 00:06:18,312 --> 00:06:21,046 Murray, where is my stove? 163 00:06:21,048 --> 00:06:22,848 You know, you're always complaining 164 00:06:22,850 --> 00:06:25,217 About slaving away in the kitchen, 165 00:06:25,219 --> 00:06:27,252 So I got you a gift. 166 00:06:27,254 --> 00:06:28,353 Dinner's in a half an hour. 167 00:06:28,355 --> 00:06:31,123 What the hell am I supposed to cook with? 168 00:06:31,125 --> 00:06:32,424 All: Ooh. 169 00:06:32,426 --> 00:06:35,293 The microwave... A new miracle of technology 170 00:06:35,295 --> 00:06:38,897 That magically cooked food in a tenth of the time. 171 00:06:38,899 --> 00:06:41,366 And, man, did it boil my mom. 172 00:06:41,368 --> 00:06:43,869 My god. How does it work? 173 00:06:43,871 --> 00:06:47,272 I know you're gonna think I'm crazy when I say this. 174 00:06:47,274 --> 00:06:48,306 Magic. 175 00:06:48,308 --> 00:06:49,941 I'd buy that. I agree. 176 00:06:49,943 --> 00:06:51,410 It's not magic, people. 177 00:06:51,412 --> 00:06:53,779 (beeping) it's an evil food box. 178 00:06:54,814 --> 00:06:57,349 Hot. It's hot. It's hot. 179 00:06:57,351 --> 00:06:59,985 Popcorn in four minutes! 180 00:06:59,987 --> 00:07:00,452 Ooh. 181 00:07:00,454 --> 00:07:04,790 A cure for polio, a man on the moon, and now this. 182 00:07:05,291 --> 00:07:06,525 Hey! Are you nuts? 183 00:07:06,527 --> 00:07:10,796 That food's been radiated. It's like poison in a bag. 184 00:07:10,798 --> 00:07:11,263 (sighs) 185 00:07:11,265 --> 00:07:15,300 Bev, I did this for your own good. 186 00:07:15,368 --> 00:07:16,768 That small wonder over there 187 00:07:16,770 --> 00:07:19,805 Is gonna make your life so much better. 188 00:07:19,807 --> 00:07:22,007 You're playing a very dangerous game. 189 00:07:22,009 --> 00:07:23,675 Are you sure you want to take me on? 190 00:07:23,677 --> 00:07:25,744 Oh, I'm sure... 191 00:07:25,746 --> 00:07:30,115 In honor of my fallen comrade, mr. Chair. 192 00:07:30,917 --> 00:07:31,716 Your fallen comrade smelled 193 00:07:31,718 --> 00:07:35,053 Like an envelope full of farts! (beeping) 194 00:07:35,421 --> 00:07:36,588 I just heated up a lasagna 195 00:07:36,590 --> 00:07:40,659 In the time it took for your relationship to collapse. 196 00:07:41,360 --> 00:07:43,795 While my mom was trying not to go nuclear, 197 00:07:43,797 --> 00:07:47,265 Things were about to blow up on the bus. 198 00:07:47,267 --> 00:07:48,767 Hey, gold-nerd! 199 00:07:48,769 --> 00:07:51,036 Look whose brother didn't show up. 200 00:07:51,038 --> 00:07:53,538 Time for target practice. 201 00:07:59,078 --> 00:08:04,349 I think it's time you leave my little brother alone or I'll spit at you... 202 00:08:04,351 --> 00:08:05,650 Without a ball! 203 00:08:05,652 --> 00:08:06,651 It'll be all spit. 204 00:08:06,653 --> 00:08:08,553 (all groan) no ball? 205 00:08:08,555 --> 00:08:10,522 Come on, man. That's crazy. 206 00:08:10,524 --> 00:08:11,356 That's right. 207 00:08:11,358 --> 00:08:13,658 And there's a good chance I have mono, 208 00:08:13,660 --> 00:08:16,862 'cause I sleep an insane amount. 209 00:08:16,864 --> 00:08:19,164 Listen up, little bus people. 210 00:08:19,166 --> 00:08:20,665 There's a new sheriff in town, 211 00:08:20,667 --> 00:08:25,136 And his name is barry norman goldberg. 212 00:08:25,138 --> 00:08:28,106 If you have anything to say to my little bro, 213 00:08:28,108 --> 00:08:29,307 You say it to me first. 214 00:08:29,309 --> 00:08:31,610 Except you, tyler. You can speak to me directly. 215 00:08:31,612 --> 00:08:33,612 He's cool. We were in pippin together. 216 00:08:33,614 --> 00:08:35,747 I am quite the song-and-dance man. 217 00:08:35,749 --> 00:08:37,516 Tyler, not helping! 218 00:08:38,551 --> 00:08:40,118 Beat it, loser. 219 00:08:41,220 --> 00:08:42,454 I couldn't believe it. 220 00:08:42,456 --> 00:08:43,488 After years of torturing me, 221 00:08:43,490 --> 00:08:46,658 Barry actually came to my rescue. 222 00:08:46,660 --> 00:08:48,159 Dude, thank you. 223 00:08:48,161 --> 00:08:49,561 No problem. 224 00:08:49,563 --> 00:08:51,296 Now give me your lunch. 225 00:08:51,797 --> 00:08:55,166 Being awesome makes me hungry. 226 00:08:55,735 --> 00:08:58,537 You're supposed to use the spreader. 227 00:08:59,505 --> 00:09:00,205 Consider it used. 228 00:09:00,207 --> 00:09:04,075 And just like that, my new bodyguard became my new bully. 229 00:09:04,077 --> 00:09:09,614 And at home, my mom and dad's battle had become a war. 230 00:09:11,250 --> 00:09:17,289 His tightie-whitie drawer had been invaded by boxers. 231 00:09:17,757 --> 00:09:19,257 Here you go, sweetie. 232 00:09:19,259 --> 00:09:23,194 Straight out of the radioactive heat box. 233 00:09:23,196 --> 00:09:24,262 Oh. 234 00:09:24,264 --> 00:09:27,065 It's like eating egg-flavored newspaper. 235 00:09:27,067 --> 00:09:28,400 All right, we need to talk. 236 00:09:28,402 --> 00:09:31,937 Oh, morning, sweetie. Would you like some microwaved egg rubber? 237 00:09:31,939 --> 00:09:34,606 No. I would like my underpants back. 238 00:09:34,608 --> 00:09:35,840 Oh, well, you're holding them. 239 00:09:35,842 --> 00:09:37,108 No, no. These are not my underpants. 240 00:09:37,110 --> 00:09:41,346 Mine are white, tight, and they keep the fellas in place. 241 00:09:41,348 --> 00:09:41,980 Not hungry. 242 00:09:41,982 --> 00:09:43,615 Well, now you have boxers. 243 00:09:43,617 --> 00:09:45,317 You know, scientific research shows 244 00:09:45,319 --> 00:09:47,218 That you need to let your privates breathe, 245 00:09:47,220 --> 00:09:49,254 Especially if we're gonna have more kids one day. 246 00:09:49,256 --> 00:09:53,024 First, I will never wear shorts under my pants. 247 00:09:53,026 --> 00:09:54,025 It's madness! 248 00:09:54,027 --> 00:09:55,727 And second, having more children 249 00:09:55,729 --> 00:09:58,964 Is literally my worst nightmare! 250 00:09:59,832 --> 00:10:01,833 You'll understand when you have horrible kids. 251 00:10:01,835 --> 00:10:04,869 Sweetie, I'm only doing this for your own good. 252 00:10:05,237 --> 00:10:07,005 You want war? 253 00:10:07,007 --> 00:10:08,940 You got one. 254 00:10:10,610 --> 00:10:12,644 My mom thought she had struck the death blow 255 00:10:12,646 --> 00:10:14,913 By taking away my dad's tightie-whities. 256 00:10:14,915 --> 00:10:18,984 Little did she know, things were about to get ugly... 257 00:10:18,986 --> 00:10:19,985 Real ugly. Well, well. 258 00:10:19,987 --> 00:10:24,222 Look who finally came around on the boxers. Nope. 259 00:10:24,224 --> 00:10:26,191 But you're dressed for work. Yep. 260 00:10:26,193 --> 00:10:29,861 So everything's just all free in there? Yep. 261 00:10:29,863 --> 00:10:31,062 No! 262 00:10:31,064 --> 00:10:33,064 You're an adult man in society. 263 00:10:33,066 --> 00:10:34,666 You need another layer! 264 00:10:34,668 --> 00:10:37,302 People won't see it, but they'll sense it. 265 00:10:37,304 --> 00:10:39,104 You wanted my boys to breathe. 266 00:10:39,106 --> 00:10:41,406 Well, they're taking a big breath. 267 00:10:41,408 --> 00:10:45,377 That's right. The three amigos, they're dining alfresco. 268 00:10:45,379 --> 00:10:47,112 Have a nice day. 269 00:10:47,279 --> 00:10:49,280 Why are you patting my head? What's happening? 270 00:10:49,282 --> 00:10:52,250 Nothing. Nothing at all. 271 00:10:52,818 --> 00:10:55,787 What did you do? What did you do? 272 00:10:55,789 --> 00:10:57,889 Holy (bleep). 273 00:10:58,924 --> 00:11:00,525 Where's my aqua net? 274 00:11:00,527 --> 00:11:03,461 Oh, your can of hair spray! 275 00:11:03,463 --> 00:11:06,097 Yeah. I got rid of it for your own good. 276 00:11:06,099 --> 00:11:09,801 Did you know it's burning a hole in the ozone layer? 277 00:11:09,803 --> 00:11:13,471 I don't want to hear about some imaginary layer in the sky. 278 00:11:13,473 --> 00:11:15,507 I'm leading a pta meeting in 30 minutes, 279 00:11:15,509 --> 00:11:18,276 And I need to command respect with my giant hair! 280 00:11:18,278 --> 00:11:20,879 You get me the chair, I'll give you the hair. 281 00:11:20,881 --> 00:11:23,148 Oh, you think you beat me on this? 282 00:11:23,150 --> 00:11:26,384 Well, our daughter has a whole arsenal of hair products, 283 00:11:26,386 --> 00:11:28,787 And she has been dying to give me a new look. 284 00:11:28,789 --> 00:11:31,122 Oh, my god. What did I just hear? Is this real? 285 00:11:31,124 --> 00:11:34,626 Are we finally getting rid of that terrible blonde helmet? 286 00:11:34,628 --> 00:11:37,429 Okay, close your eyes. I'm doing your bangs. Mmm-hmm. 287 00:11:37,431 --> 00:11:40,365 This is gonna be totally rad. Hmm. 288 00:11:42,401 --> 00:11:44,169 (sizzling) 289 00:11:51,444 --> 00:11:53,578 How's it looking? 290 00:11:53,879 --> 00:11:56,781 Really, really awesome. 291 00:11:56,783 --> 00:11:58,083 Oh. 292 00:11:59,819 --> 00:12:01,052 (screams) 293 00:12:01,054 --> 00:12:03,088 I know! Oh, my god! 294 00:12:03,090 --> 00:12:05,390 I know! How did this happen? 295 00:12:05,392 --> 00:12:06,624 I don't know! 296 00:12:06,626 --> 00:12:08,493 Oh! It fried my hair! 297 00:12:08,495 --> 00:12:11,029 Like, really quickly. It's so unhealthy. 298 00:12:11,031 --> 00:12:13,932 It's like you have a head full of sagebrush. 299 00:12:13,934 --> 00:12:14,766 (gasping) 300 00:12:14,768 --> 00:12:17,102 I know! Oh, my god! 301 00:12:17,104 --> 00:12:19,204 What are we gonna do about this? 302 00:12:19,206 --> 00:12:22,207 Okay. Okay. Let's take a chill pill. 303 00:12:22,209 --> 00:12:24,709 I know I can fix this. 304 00:12:25,411 --> 00:12:26,745 Hi, pta. 305 00:12:26,747 --> 00:12:29,280 Let's talk spring fling. (chuckles) 306 00:12:29,282 --> 00:12:30,048 What's with your hair? 307 00:12:30,050 --> 00:12:32,617 Don't look at it, karen. 308 00:12:35,020 --> 00:12:36,020 Afternoon, friends. 309 00:12:36,022 --> 00:12:39,758 You're all looking particularly small today, huh? 310 00:12:39,760 --> 00:12:42,160 Hey, tyler. 311 00:12:42,895 --> 00:12:44,863 Cool frisbee. 312 00:12:45,464 --> 00:12:47,065 (chuckles) 313 00:12:47,533 --> 00:12:49,000 My frisbee. 314 00:12:49,002 --> 00:12:51,603 Yo, spinkter. 315 00:12:51,605 --> 00:12:53,538 Give me those cheese doodles. 316 00:12:53,540 --> 00:12:54,172 Just take them, barry. 317 00:12:54,174 --> 00:12:56,674 Who's this barry you speak off? 318 00:12:56,676 --> 00:12:58,910 (sighs) take them... 319 00:12:59,311 --> 00:13:00,411 Bus lord. 320 00:13:00,413 --> 00:13:01,212 That's right. 321 00:13:01,214 --> 00:13:03,414 My plan for a bodyguard had backfired, 322 00:13:03,416 --> 00:13:06,751 And now it was up to me to banish our evil bus lord. 323 00:13:06,753 --> 00:13:08,920 You know, I think I got this bus stuff handled, 324 00:13:08,922 --> 00:13:11,089 So it's probably time you go back and ride 325 00:13:11,091 --> 00:13:12,991 With erica and her smoking-hot friends. 326 00:13:12,993 --> 00:13:15,059 Dude, I'm never going back. 327 00:13:15,061 --> 00:13:18,296 This bus is mine now. It's my home. 328 00:13:18,298 --> 00:13:21,132 Now, leave me be. I find you boring. 329 00:13:21,200 --> 00:13:21,566 Stop! 330 00:13:21,568 --> 00:13:23,802 What just happened on your shirt? 331 00:13:24,637 --> 00:13:25,470 Oh, it's hypercolor. 332 00:13:25,472 --> 00:13:26,871 The color changes when you touch it. 333 00:13:26,873 --> 00:13:28,640 I bought it with my lawn-mowing money. 334 00:13:28,642 --> 00:13:30,909 I want it. What? No! 335 00:13:30,911 --> 00:13:32,377 You'll stretch it out. 336 00:13:32,379 --> 00:13:33,211 Good point. 337 00:13:33,213 --> 00:13:34,479 Then you will use your hard-earned money 338 00:13:34,481 --> 00:13:38,449 To buy me one that accommodates my muscular body. 339 00:13:39,118 --> 00:13:40,652 (sighs) 340 00:13:45,424 --> 00:13:48,293 Your brother's a real ass-bag. 341 00:13:48,295 --> 00:13:49,594 Yes. Yes, he is. 342 00:13:49,596 --> 00:13:53,731 This whole thing's been a very eye-opening experience. 343 00:13:53,733 --> 00:13:55,967 I'm sorry for the way I treated you. 344 00:13:55,969 --> 00:13:58,269 It won't happen again. 345 00:13:58,271 --> 00:13:58,870 (sighs) 346 00:13:58,872 --> 00:14:01,673 What do you say we get barry off this bus for good? 347 00:14:01,675 --> 00:14:02,407 There's no way. 348 00:14:02,409 --> 00:14:05,743 (chuckling) oh, there's always a way. 349 00:14:06,178 --> 00:14:07,212 (sniffs) 350 00:14:07,214 --> 00:14:10,014 Okay, look, everybody. Come here. 351 00:14:10,016 --> 00:14:12,217 We all know where we sit on this bus. 352 00:14:12,219 --> 00:14:13,952 Some of us are back-row material. 353 00:14:13,954 --> 00:14:15,119 Some, like me, kind of float in the middle. 354 00:14:15,121 --> 00:14:18,189 ♪ tonight it's very clear a few of us totally suck and sit in the front. 355 00:14:18,191 --> 00:14:22,727 ♪ as we're both lying here but for once, let's forget about what row we sit in. 356 00:14:22,729 --> 00:14:25,897 For once, let's work together and take our bus! 357 00:14:25,899 --> 00:14:27,265 Now who's with me? 358 00:14:27,267 --> 00:14:27,765 I am! 359 00:14:27,767 --> 00:14:29,200 (sighs) damn it, tyler. 360 00:14:29,202 --> 00:14:30,635 You scared the crap out of me. 361 00:14:30,637 --> 00:14:34,138 (sighs) but I love the enthusiasm. 362 00:14:37,877 --> 00:14:38,610 Whoa, stop! 363 00:14:38,612 --> 00:14:40,311 Don't park your pants at the door. 364 00:14:40,313 --> 00:14:42,347 Rumor has it you're going alfresco. 365 00:14:42,349 --> 00:14:46,718 Oh, damn it. I forgot. I miss my underpants. 366 00:14:46,720 --> 00:14:47,719 Ah, you'll get used to it. 367 00:14:47,721 --> 00:14:50,521 I've been going alfresco since the '70s. 368 00:14:50,523 --> 00:14:52,223 My dad didn't think he could miss anything 369 00:14:52,225 --> 00:14:54,259 More than his tightie-whities. 370 00:14:54,261 --> 00:14:55,927 Boy, was he wrong. 371 00:14:55,929 --> 00:14:57,262 What the hell? 372 00:14:57,264 --> 00:14:58,496 Tv's gone, mur. 373 00:14:58,498 --> 00:14:59,797 Yeah, I see that. 374 00:14:59,799 --> 00:15:00,798 Beverly took it. 375 00:15:00,800 --> 00:15:01,699 I figured that. 376 00:15:01,701 --> 00:15:03,301 You lost the war, pal. Stop talking. 377 00:15:03,303 --> 00:15:06,204 You know, I've been watching these fish for 10 minutes, 378 00:15:06,206 --> 00:15:09,974 And I got to tell you, it's some entertaining stuff. 379 00:15:09,976 --> 00:15:12,610 These two fish, they're complete opposites. 380 00:15:12,612 --> 00:15:16,114 They'll never get along, but they have to. 381 00:15:16,116 --> 00:15:18,583 They live in close quarters. 382 00:15:18,585 --> 00:15:19,651 Stop talking! 383 00:15:19,653 --> 00:15:20,184 Isn't it great? 384 00:15:20,186 --> 00:15:23,588 It's like being in the lobby of a benihana. (chuckles) 385 00:15:23,590 --> 00:15:25,223 And the best part about it is 386 00:15:25,225 --> 00:15:27,492 You need to constantly tend to it. 387 00:15:27,494 --> 00:15:29,427 Getting rid of the tv, that's nuts. 388 00:15:29,429 --> 00:15:31,696 That's the glue that holds this family together. 389 00:15:31,698 --> 00:15:33,765 Everyone know that tv strains your eyes. 390 00:15:33,767 --> 00:15:35,300 I did this for your own good. 391 00:15:35,302 --> 00:15:37,568 Don't do anything for my own good, okay? 392 00:15:37,570 --> 00:15:38,503 I'm fine. I don't need your help. 393 00:15:38,505 --> 00:15:41,606 Really? Do you know how many things I do for you, 394 00:15:41,608 --> 00:15:43,074 Things you don't even know anything about? 395 00:15:43,076 --> 00:15:48,813 So sue me if I want you to sit in a chair that's not a disgusting fart trap 396 00:15:48,815 --> 00:15:51,482 That ruins the scheme of my entire living room. 397 00:15:51,484 --> 00:15:55,520 Aha! Right there! You did it for you. 398 00:15:55,721 --> 00:15:57,121 What? (stammers) 399 00:15:57,123 --> 00:16:00,792 That hurts your back... A chair that hurts your back. 400 00:16:00,794 --> 00:16:03,194 Too late. You said it. 401 00:16:03,196 --> 00:16:04,362 Yes, that chair may be old, 402 00:16:04,364 --> 00:16:07,966 But it's because I... I sit in it, I sleep in it, I eat in it, 403 00:16:07,968 --> 00:16:09,567 I even raised our children from it. 404 00:16:09,569 --> 00:16:11,235 I know you do a lot for me. 405 00:16:11,237 --> 00:16:12,904 You do, and I love you for it. 406 00:16:12,906 --> 00:16:15,306 But you didn't get rid of that chair for me. 407 00:16:15,308 --> 00:16:18,409 You got rid of that chair for you. 408 00:16:21,613 --> 00:16:23,314 Things were still hell on the bus, 409 00:16:23,316 --> 00:16:26,718 And now our evil emperor had new clothes. 410 00:16:26,720 --> 00:16:28,353 Step aside. 411 00:16:28,355 --> 00:16:30,655 Hands off the hypercolor. 412 00:16:30,657 --> 00:16:32,023 Don't touch the bod. 413 00:16:32,025 --> 00:16:33,992 What are you doing? Move. 414 00:16:33,994 --> 00:16:36,194 Nah. I don't think I'm gonna do that. 415 00:16:36,196 --> 00:16:37,061 This isn't a request. 416 00:16:37,063 --> 00:16:39,630 Either you do it or I'll throw you off the bus. 417 00:16:39,632 --> 00:16:40,965 That's where you're wrong, dude. 418 00:16:40,967 --> 00:16:43,034 This isn't your bus anymore. 419 00:16:43,036 --> 00:16:44,869 Says who? 420 00:16:45,204 --> 00:16:46,571 Says me. 421 00:16:46,573 --> 00:16:47,805 (scoffs) 422 00:16:47,807 --> 00:16:49,540 ♪ I am a man 423 00:16:49,542 --> 00:16:53,978 ♪ who will fight for your honor 424 00:16:53,980 --> 00:16:56,514 ♪ I'll be the hero 425 00:16:56,516 --> 00:16:57,248 You owe me a frisbee. 426 00:16:57,250 --> 00:16:59,717 ♪ you been dreaming of let's get him! 427 00:16:59,719 --> 00:17:00,284 Boy: Yeah! 428 00:17:00,286 --> 00:17:03,855 (indistinct shouting) ♪ we'll live forever 429 00:17:03,857 --> 00:17:06,691 All: Bye! ♪ knowing together 430 00:17:06,693 --> 00:17:08,292 ♪ that we did it all 431 00:17:08,294 --> 00:17:10,728 Hands. ♪ for the glory of love 432 00:17:10,730 --> 00:17:11,496 There's so many hands. 433 00:17:11,498 --> 00:17:13,965 While barry was no longer king of the bus, 434 00:17:13,967 --> 00:17:16,401 My mom was looking for my father's throne. 435 00:17:16,403 --> 00:17:19,303 Uh, hi. I'm looking for a mr. Nitrous. 436 00:17:19,305 --> 00:17:22,006 This is he. And it's just nitrous. 437 00:17:22,008 --> 00:17:22,707 Mr. Nitrous is my dad. 438 00:17:22,709 --> 00:17:25,576 That's nice. Listen, I was just at the goodwill, 439 00:17:25,578 --> 00:17:29,547 And I was told that you purchased something that I need. 440 00:17:29,549 --> 00:17:30,381 That's my chair, sweetie. 441 00:17:30,383 --> 00:17:33,384 No way, lady. I will never give you my chair. 442 00:17:33,386 --> 00:17:37,255 This thing's my throne. It's shaped perfectly to my body. 443 00:17:37,257 --> 00:17:40,625 Not your body, my husband's body, 444 00:17:40,627 --> 00:17:43,294 Which also is very similar to your body. 445 00:17:43,296 --> 00:17:46,130 Let me just buy it back from you. Name your price. 446 00:17:46,132 --> 00:17:47,298 Show me your boobs. No! 447 00:17:47,300 --> 00:17:48,833 Then give me $1 million. No. 448 00:17:48,835 --> 00:17:51,769 I'd very much like to revisit the boob conversation. 449 00:17:51,771 --> 00:17:52,503 No. 450 00:17:52,505 --> 00:17:54,005 Show me your boobs. No! 451 00:17:54,007 --> 00:17:54,772 Then give me $1 million. 452 00:17:54,774 --> 00:17:57,308 Okay, I feel like we're going in circles, nitrous. 453 00:17:57,310 --> 00:18:01,612 And if you ask me, (chuckles) this house is full of boobs. 454 00:18:01,614 --> 00:18:02,413 I'm looking at them. 455 00:18:02,415 --> 00:18:04,715 And this place is a pigsty, and you're all dressed like slobs. 456 00:18:04,717 --> 00:18:10,354 And when was the last time one of you ate a meal with a vegetable? 457 00:18:10,923 --> 00:18:11,856 It's been a long time. 458 00:18:11,858 --> 00:18:15,326 Yeah. You don't need boobs. You need your laundry done. 459 00:18:15,328 --> 00:18:16,060 You need your bed made. 460 00:18:16,062 --> 00:18:19,297 You need to scour every surface in this house 461 00:18:19,299 --> 00:18:22,433 Before one of you gets a wicked staph infection. 462 00:18:22,435 --> 00:18:26,370 It's just... We don't know how. 463 00:18:26,372 --> 00:18:28,639 Mama's here, nitrous. 464 00:18:28,641 --> 00:18:30,341 ♪ I am a man 465 00:18:30,343 --> 00:18:34,779 ♪ who will fight for your honor 466 00:18:34,980 --> 00:18:37,982 ♪ I'll be the hero 467 00:18:37,984 --> 00:18:41,552 ♪ you've been dreaming of 468 00:18:41,554 --> 00:18:44,856 ♪ we'll live forever 469 00:18:44,858 --> 00:18:47,325 ♪ knowing together 470 00:18:47,327 --> 00:18:50,294 ♪ that we did it all 471 00:18:50,296 --> 00:18:54,432 ♪ for the glory of love 472 00:18:56,034 --> 00:18:58,569 ♪ it's like a knight in shining armor 473 00:18:58,571 --> 00:19:00,805 ♪ from a long time ago while my mom cleaned up her mess with my dad, 474 00:19:00,807 --> 00:19:03,040 I was hoping barry would forgive my dirty work. 475 00:19:03,042 --> 00:19:04,976 ♪ just in time, I will save the day hey, big news. 476 00:19:04,978 --> 00:19:08,012 The mailman came. Special delivery for big tasty. 477 00:19:08,014 --> 00:19:11,048 ♪ take you to my castle far away ♪ wow! Great! 478 00:19:11,050 --> 00:19:13,951 It's a phone! It's a football! 479 00:19:13,953 --> 00:19:15,720 Whatever. (thud) 480 00:19:15,722 --> 00:19:19,590 So, you finally got it. That's cool, right? 481 00:19:19,592 --> 00:19:22,126 So that means we're cool, too, right? 482 00:19:22,128 --> 00:19:24,028 You led a mutiny against me, dude. 483 00:19:24,030 --> 00:19:25,396 We are most definitely not cool. 484 00:19:25,398 --> 00:19:28,366 I didn't have a choice. You went mad with power! 485 00:19:28,368 --> 00:19:30,768 Listen... I know from the outside it may 486 00:19:30,770 --> 00:19:34,372 Seem like I have a perfect life, but the truth is 487 00:19:34,374 --> 00:19:35,773 There are a lot of jerks at school 488 00:19:35,775 --> 00:19:38,042 That aren't so nice to me. 489 00:19:38,177 --> 00:19:41,612 It was cool to have a place where I had respect for once. 490 00:19:41,614 --> 00:19:43,948 I didn't know that. 491 00:19:44,383 --> 00:19:45,783 Here. 492 00:19:45,785 --> 00:19:48,119 Take your garbage pail kids back. 493 00:19:48,121 --> 00:19:50,521 You don't need to pay me to protect you. 494 00:19:50,523 --> 00:19:52,957 I want to because you're my brother. 495 00:19:53,792 --> 00:19:58,429 As for my mom, she got her hair back...Eventually. 496 00:19:58,431 --> 00:20:02,233 Come on. Can't I give it one more try? 497 00:20:06,205 --> 00:20:10,408 And most importantly, my dad got his chair back. 498 00:20:10,410 --> 00:20:11,976 Oh, my god! 499 00:20:12,878 --> 00:20:14,445 ♪ I'll be the hero I can't believe it. 500 00:20:14,447 --> 00:20:18,649 ♪ that you're dreaming of don't thank me. I did it for your own good. 501 00:20:19,585 --> 00:20:22,119 Ah. ♪ gonna live forever 502 00:20:22,121 --> 00:20:26,490 ♪ knowing together mr. Chair. Mr. Chair! (sighs) 503 00:20:26,492 --> 00:20:29,427 ♪ that we did it all for the glory of love ♪ 504 00:20:29,429 --> 00:20:30,394 Smells like beer. 505 00:20:30,396 --> 00:20:32,697 No, it doesn't. Okay. 506 00:20:41,139 --> 00:20:41,939 Erica! 507 00:20:41,941 --> 00:20:43,174 I've been honking for forever. 508 00:20:43,176 --> 00:20:44,375 We're gonna be late for school. 509 00:20:44,377 --> 00:20:46,344 Erica: I overslept. Give me a second. 510 00:20:46,346 --> 00:20:49,113 What's up, lainey? Got some good news. 511 00:20:49,115 --> 00:20:51,315 I'm gonna ride with you guys again. 512 00:20:51,317 --> 00:20:53,351 (groans) please. 513 00:20:53,353 --> 00:20:54,018 Wow. 514 00:20:54,020 --> 00:20:55,519 Got some hypercolor there, huh? 515 00:20:55,521 --> 00:20:59,557 Yeah. You, uh... Digging it? 516 00:20:59,559 --> 00:21:01,192 Actually... 517 00:21:01,194 --> 00:21:02,627 Yes, I am. 518 00:21:02,629 --> 00:21:03,694 You're looking really good, bar. 519 00:21:03,696 --> 00:21:07,331 Got to be honest. Never thought of you this way. 520 00:21:08,467 --> 00:21:10,134 Oh, no. 521 00:21:11,069 --> 00:21:12,637 Is it hot in here? 522 00:21:12,639 --> 00:21:14,038 Oh, yeah. 523 00:21:14,040 --> 00:21:15,306 It's hot. 524 00:21:15,308 --> 00:21:15,940 (chuckles) 525 00:21:15,942 --> 00:21:20,144 Lainey, stop messing with him. Let's go. 526 00:21:20,579 --> 00:21:22,680 I knew she was messing with me. 527 00:21:22,682 --> 00:21:25,783 I mean, come on. Do I look stupid?