Adult adam: Since the dawn of time,
Mothers and daughters have always fought.
10:00 is an embarrassing curfew.
Oh, it's embarrassing to tell your girlfriends
You'd like to hang out at a safer time?
A lot. Ugh!
Absolutely not.
Doesn't matter what the topic is,
They'll find a way to disagree strongly and dramatically.
And when that runs its course,
They'll just lob insults at each other.
This house sucks!
It became the background noise of our lives.
And soon, it became weird when they weren't fighting.
There's nothing wrong with this outfit.
They keep it very hot in the gym.
It was a vicious, never-ending war.
All we knew was to keep our heads low and out of the line of fire.
You're not going.
In a nutshell, all of their fights
Boiled down to one thing.
Ugh! Why can't you ever just trust me?
I do trust you!
She didn't.
And to be fair, she didn't have any reason to.
No, lainey, it's not hard to get wine coolers.
We'll just stand outside the liquor store
And target the creepy old dudes.
(gasping) no!
Mom?
I picked up the phone by accident, but I heard everything.
And then came the thing she lived to say.
I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed.
Erica was smart and sneaky in her own right,
So my mom had to bring her "a" game.
She read her diary.
And when she realized it was just a decoy
Planted there for her to read,
She'd find her real diary.
And she wasn't afraid to get down and dirty
To find out what was going on even when nothing was going on.
No, you're still conjugating it wrong.
It's j'aime danser.
(snoring in distance)
What's that sound?
(snoring continues)
I think it's snoring.
Seriously? Nope.
(scoffs)
I mean, if you're gonna spy, at least try to stay awake.
Well, in my defense, that was very boring.
♪ I'm twisted up inside
♪ but nonetheless I feel the need to say
♪ I don't know the future
♪ but the past keeps getting clearer every day ♪
Adult adam: It was February 6, 1980-something,
And while erica was my mother's main focus,
She still had time to aggravate barry, too.
I'm not exaggerating!
This is literally the worst decision
Any parent has made on this planet
And any other planet capable of sustaining life.
You're not having a girl in your room, end of argument.
Lexy bloom is just my lab partner.
All we're gonna do is study. We're just friends.
Okay. Then you can study right here at the table.
Here?
How am I supposed to impress her
With dad strolling around in his underpants?
Aha!
You are trying to get romantic with her.
Of course I am!
Romance pumps in my veins.
Haven't you heard my rap ballad
About stone-cold grooving with a chick on a ferris wheel?
I have.
It was wonderful.
Not changing my mind.
This is such controversial bullcrap!
Adam has emmy mirsky in his room right now!
Oh, please.
Emmy mirsky doesn't count.
They've been inseparable since they were in diapers.
He calls her "muscles".
They're like brother and sister.
Really? 'cause if you ask me,
That friendship is hardly as innocent as we think.
Ha! Busted!
Wait. What are you doing?
It rained so we got worms, and now we're trying to see
Who can keep them on their face the longest
Without freaking out.
Well, that's sweet, guys.
We'll give you some privacy.
Ugh! Not fair!
What the hell was that about?
Something insane. I don't even question it anymore.
I've got to get these things off my face!
Yes! I win. You know what that means.
Ow! You punched me in my allergy shot.
Adult adam: Yep. This was my friend emmy mirsky.
She was a goofball and my wingman.
Or maybe I was hers.
Top gun five.
Later, goose!
Whoa. I'm not goose. You're goose. I'm maverick.
Uh, wrong.
I'm maverick because I look super-cool in aviator glasses,
Which you can't wear because of your hilarious lazy eye.
My mom says I can get prescription shades,
So you can suck it!
Aah!
Adult adam: Bead curtains.
That alone should have been enough to get me to turn around.
Hey. Re-dim that mood lighting.
What are you doing?
Trying to make it romantic in here,
Like a french boudoir or lee majors' hot tub.
Why? 'cause lexy bloom can't step one foot into my room
Even though emmy sleeps over in your room
Whenever her parents go out of town.
That's 'cause emmy's not really a girl.
She's like a sibling except I like her.
Please.
It's just a matter of time before you two are making out.
Gross!
We're just friends.
Dude, you're so clueless.
Men and women can't be friends.
That's a fact. It's in the encyclopedia.
Look it up.
Why can't we be friends?
A little thing called sexual tension.
You and emmy will happen.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to finish setting the mood before lexy arrives.
(whale lowing on tape)
(sighs) whale sounds.
Ladies can't resist their haunting song. Look it up.
I think you need a new encyclopedia.
(applause on tv) man: Stay tuned. We'll be right back.
Beverly: Well, that was the most humiliating thing
I've ever been through in my life.
I'm the one who's humiliated.
You weren't sneaky at all. Everyone saw you, mom.
Saw me doing what? Loving my daughter?
Being a mom? Hey! Enough!
You two can argue anywhere you like,
But that's incredible! Is on,
And there's a one-legged model.
I don't know how she's gonna walk the runway.
Murray, I don't want to hear about your stupid tv show right now.
Stupid? Is it stupid that a baby can water ski?
Is it stupid that someone taught rats to play basketball?
No, that's not stupid. No, that's incredible!
I'll tell you what's stupid.
I can't go anywhere without my mother trying to ruin my life.
All I was doing was shopping at the same mall as you.
All of a sudden, that's a capital crime?
Why are you always following me?
I mean, what, exactly, do you think I'm up to?
I don't know. That's why I was following you.
So, you admit it!
Enough!
You two have to work out your crap because it's exhausting.
Dad's right.
I'm heading off to college in two years.
Do you really want to leave it like this?
Of course not.
Then please just back off.
I need space!
I need trust.
Fine.
Adult adam: And she meant it.
Until the next time my sister left the house.
She went directly to the real diary,
And what she read would shake her to her very core.
(gasps)
Crack rock!
(sniffles)
Erica's gonna take crack rocks.
Erica what?
I read it in her diary.
Not the decoy, but the real one.
Her friends are participating in crack rock,
And now erica is also going to participate in crack rock.
Can't you just trust erica enough
To know that she's not gonna go out
And eat crack with her friends? No!
If my little baby so much as touches one piece of crack,
Then I have failed as a mother.
You usually say that for dramatic effect,
But I agree with you on this one.
Hey.
What's for dinner?
Dinner. Yes.
Funny you should ask that.
Um, come over here.
Come sit next to mama, baby.
Are you crying? No.
I hope you're hungry 'cause, uh, we are just gonna sit,
Have a little chat.
Oh, look. Look what I have.
Do you know what this is?
An egg.
This is your brain.
This is drugs.
(sizzling)
This is your brain on drugs.
Any questions?
Yeah, quite a few.
Uh, what the hell is happening?
Listen. Your father and I have good reason
To believe that something is going to...
Murray. What?
That is a brain. That's not food.
And you... I know everything 'cause I read your real diary.
Well, there's one thing you don't know.
I only wrote that as a trap.
You wrote fake stuff in your real diary?
Yes, because I knew you would read it,
And I wanted to prove that you are incapable of trusting me.
Here's an idea.
Don't write your feelings down.
Shove them down into your body and forget about them like I do.
There's no downside.
You're not really gonna try the crack rock?
Of course not!
And the fact that you thought I would tells me everything.
Wait, honey.
Please don't be mad at me.
I'm not mad, just disappointed.
Adult adam: It had been a day since barry told me
Men and women can't be friends.
Even though I knew he was wrong,
I still found myself feeling kind of weird around emmy.
(video game beeping)
(sighs) dude, you died already?
What's the matter with you? You play solo.
I'm not in the mood for contra.
I'm gonna go grab a tastykake. You want one?
Bring the whole box.
Pops!
Oh, thank god. I need you, man. Really bad.
Ah, I know that desperate cry for help.
Lady trouble?
No. Yes. I don't know.
So, then, yes.
Okay. Here's my question.
Can men and women be friends?
Oh, boy. I thought you were gonna ask me
How to unhook a bra or something.
I'm all messed up.
Barry said emmy and I have sexual tension.
I don't know what that is, but I think I got it,
And now things are totally weird.
You and muscles mirsky?
You two are lifelong buds. There's no way.
You sure? Of course.
Men and women can be friends.
Take me. I got plenty.
Gloria and sheila and mabel.
Wait. Aren't all of those your ex-girlfriends?
Oh, yeah.
Well, they started out as friends, but I guess... Wait.
Rose boykin. She's a friend.
So, you never once kissed her.
Once.
Maybe twice.
Maybe a lot more.
(sighs) none of this helps me at all.
It's not my fault.
Women love me!
Here.
Let me show you how to do the bra thing.
Just name one female friend. One.
Forget me. I'm a lost cause.
But you love movies, right?
Go watch when harry met sally...
It's all about how men and women can be friends.
Adult adam: I took pops' advice, and that night
We rented a movie about two besties like us.
Oh, my god! Oh, my god!
Unfortunately, pops hadn't quite remembered how it ended.
I have to go home now.
This is your home.
Then you have to go home now.
Yes, things were awkward in our house that week,
And not just between me and emmy.
After my mom had accused erica of participating in crack rock,
Tension in our house was as thick as the ketchup
My mom was bathing our meatloaf in.
(squeezes bottle rhythmically)
(ketchup sputters)
(clears throat)
(sighs)
All right, that's enough. You've made your point.
I screwed up.
But I promise from now on, I will respect your privacy for real.
No more listening through the vent?
No more. No more reading my diary?
Wouldn't dream of it.
I'm going to the movies tonight with lainey.
Can you trust me?
I can trust you if you can promise me that you can be trustworthy.
I promise.
I'm worthy of your trust.
I can't believe my mom trusted me!
(chanting) toga! Toga!
No, don't do that. Oh.
Adult adam: As erica was finally gonna live it up, I was breaking down.
Harry and sally are lovers!
I'm pretty sure you're wrong about that.
Emmy and I just watched it.
And?
They end up together,
Sucking on each other's faces like moray eels.
You know, come to think of it,
I saw that movie with my friend miriam, and...
We just might have left early to...
Well, you don't need to know why we left early.
What do I do now?
How do I get things back to normal with emmy?
You can't.
The horse is out of the barn.
What horse?
The horse that goes by the name of sexual tension.
And there's only one way to ease that tension.
By remaining friends and not addressing it?
You got to kiss her, see if there's sparks.
Me and lexy bloom are dealing with the same issue.
It's been tough. I'm not gonna lie.
What are you talking about?
She didn't even show up yesterday.
Yeah, 'cause she didn't trust herself around me.
Well, it's different with me and emmy.
Pops, tell him he's nuts.
Kiddo, you just got to follow your heart.
What does that mean? Tell me.
Do I kiss her or not?
I don't know.
You've asked the one question
That men and women have debated since the dawn of time.
Nobody knows, nobody on this planet.
I know.
It's kissing time, bro.
(sighs)
Bevy, you promised the girl.
Relax. I'm just tidying up.
Really? Wow. That's a big step.
I know. It feels good to finally trust her.
The fact that her sheet is missing from her bed
Doesn't bother me at all.
Good.
Wait.
What does that have to do with anything?
Nothing.
I may have overheard her talking about a fraternity toga party over at villanova,
But I'm sure there's hundreds of other reasons
She would take a bedsheet to the movies with lainey.
Oh, I know.
Maybe it was one of those movies
Where they ask you to bring a sheet.
Those exist, right?
Oh, I see what you're trying to do.
You want me to suggest that we go out and track her down
So you can still look innocent.
Well, it's not going to work.
Your baby girl is at a college frat house
Wearing a thin layer of bedding.
Holy (bleep) let's go!
Adult adam: As much as I hated to admit it, I knew barry was right.
Emmy and I had to kiss.
So I put on my best suit and braced myself for the worst.
Got your call. What's the emergency?
Why are you dressed like a game show host?
(sighs) please have a seat.
We need to chat.
I came all the way here to chat?
Why do we even have walkie-talkies?
Okay.
I know it's been weird between us,
But I know how to fix it.
(exhales deeply) we got to kiss.
What?
It's the only way.
We have to find out if there's sparks.
There aren't any sparks.
We don't know that!
You saw what happened to harry and sally.
We got to do this.
Fine.
I'll give you a stupid kiss for one second. Three seconds.
Eyes open. Eyes closed.
Lights on. Dimmed.
Don't touch my hair or face.
I'm not gonna touch you. Gross.
Thank you. (sighs)
Let's do this.
Chiclet?
All right. On the count of three.
One.
Two.
Nope! Can't do it!
We have to, emmy.
It's the only way to know if we can still be friends.
I already know!
We're not friends anymore. You ruined it.
Adult adam: I wasn't the only one having the worst night of their life.
Erica's toga party,
Not as awesome as she thought it would be.
Yo.
Me? Oh.
Yo.
What's going on with your toga?
Oh, I accidentally took the fitted sheet.
What's a fitted sheet?
You know, the sheet at the bottom with the elastic around it?
You have two sheets?
What kind of fancy house do you live in?
Hey, kyle. We need you for the keg stands.
And, no, you're not invited, dorky high school girl.
I'm not in high school.
Oh, really? Name one professor at villanova. Go.
Professor togerman.
Yeah. Why don't you take your fitted sheet and run on home?
How does everyone know about these special sheets?
Lainey.
Hey.
Ox just invited me to his room to see his aquarium.
(cans clattering)
Girl: Way to go, high school!
Adult adam: As much as erica hated that my mom was always in her business,
At that moment, she sort of wished
Beverly was there to save her.
That feeling quickly faded.
Mom? What the hell?
No, you what the hell.
Get in the car right now!
Murray, calm down.
Just calm down.
Erica, get in the car!
So, this is what happens when I trust you, huh?
Guess who's disappointed now.
If you were gonna guess me, you'd be right.
And this is the reason why I feel the need
To keep such close watch over everything.
Are you crying?
Murray, take a walk.
But it's about to rain.
Take a walk.
You know who's disappointed?
Me. Disappointed!
So, what happened? It doesn't matter.
All I know is that you were right not to trust me.
But I do trust you.
No, you don't. I don't.
You don't trust me and I keep doing untrustworthy things
Which makes you not trust me, and I'm so tired of it.
When is this gonna be any different?
Probably never.
My mom used to do the same thing to me,
And I swore I'd never do it to you, but here I am doing it.
But look on the bright side.
One day you'll have a daughter of your own not to trust.
(kyrie plays)
Murray, let's go.
Give me a minute! Some guy's gonna show me his aquarium.
Adult adam: While my mom was finally mending
Her relationship with erica,
I was figuring out how to make up with emmy.
I love that you get cold when it's 71 degrees out.
I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich.
I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose
When you're looking at me like I'm nuts.
Adult adam: And it was harry who made me realize exactly what I had to do.
♪ kyrie eleison, down the road that I must travel
♪ kyrie eleison, through the darkness of the night
♪ kyrie eleison, where I'm going, will you follow? ♪
What do you want?
Come here. We need to talk.
Emmy, I've been doing a lot of thinking,
And the thing is, I don't love you.
You mean it?
Look.
Sometimes, you meet a girl
And you just know that she's the one.
When you act like a wuss,
She's the one that punches you hard.
When you find a dead mouse, she's the one
That helps you hide it under barry's pillow.
When you put too much confidence in a fart,
She's the one that helps you bury your underpants
In the woods behind the school.
She's your friend.
And you never, ever want to kiss her.
Want to go get some worms?
Adult adam: After that fateful night,
Things got better for all of us goldbergs.
(snoring)
♪ kyrie eleison, where I'm going, will you follow? ♪
Adult adam: There was a little less fighting
And a little more trust.
Why don't you two go study up in barry's room?
There's less foot traffic.
Really? Yeah, I'm not going up there.
And as for me and emmy,
To this day, we're just friends.
Keep up, goose.
I'm not goose! I'm maverick.
(laughs) sure you are, goose.
Boy: Emmy mirsky, best friend of adam.
Aah!
Move over!
You're not gonna show this to anyone,
So I don't really care. How do you know?
Okay. I helped barry make his first music video.
Emmy, you're kind of a girl. Sort of.
You have to honestly tell me what you think.
(rap beat plays)
♪ hey, girl, you lookin' good up here where the air is
♪ you 'n' big tasty on a wheel by ferris
♪ up and up we go, I know you gonna ask it
♪ how we gettin' down from this sexy floatin' basket?
♪ stop at the top, is it just our luck?
♪ or did I tip that carny an extra 14 bucks?
♪ ferris wheel, ferris, ferris wheel
♪ hey, oh
♪ you know how I feel
Whale break.
(whale lowing)
What do you think?
I'm gonna need 40 copies of this.
Yeah, you are!