1
00:00:00,333 --> 00:00:01,333
Adult adam:
Since the dawn of time,
2
00:00:01,335 --> 00:00:02,868
Mothers and daughters
have always fought.
3
00:00:02,870 --> 00:00:04,737
10:00 is an
embarrassing curfew.
4
00:00:04,739 --> 00:00:06,472
Oh, it's embarrassing
to tell your girlfriends
5
00:00:06,474 --> 00:00:08,707
You'd like to hang out
at a safer time?
6
00:00:08,709 --> 00:00:10,242
A lot.
Ugh!
7
00:00:10,244 --> 00:00:10,776
Absolutely not.
8
00:00:10,778 --> 00:00:12,177
Doesn't matter
what the topic is,
9
00:00:12,179 --> 00:00:15,748
They'll find a way
to disagree strongly
and dramatically.
10
00:00:15,750 --> 00:00:16,982
And when that
runs its course,
11
00:00:16,984 --> 00:00:19,284
They'll just lob
insults at each other.
12
00:00:19,286 --> 00:00:20,452
This house sucks!
13
00:00:20,454 --> 00:00:21,787
It became the background
noise of our lives.
14
00:00:21,789 --> 00:00:24,556
And soon, it became weird
when they weren't fighting.
15
00:00:24,558 --> 00:00:26,058
There's nothing wrong
with this outfit.
16
00:00:26,060 --> 00:00:27,593
They keep it
very hot in the gym.
17
00:00:27,595 --> 00:00:29,294
It was a vicious,
never-ending war.
18
00:00:29,296 --> 00:00:32,965
All we knew was to keep
our heads low and out
of the line of fire.
19
00:00:32,967 --> 00:00:34,033
You're not going.
20
00:00:34,035 --> 00:00:36,301
In a nutshell,
all of their fights
21
00:00:36,303 --> 00:00:37,436
Boiled down to one thing.
22
00:00:37,438 --> 00:00:40,139
Ugh! Why can't you
ever just trust me?
23
00:00:40,141 --> 00:00:41,874
I do trust you!
24
00:00:41,876 --> 00:00:42,508
She didn't.
25
00:00:42,510 --> 00:00:44,743
And to be fair,
she didn't have
any reason to.
26
00:00:44,745 --> 00:00:46,578
No, lainey,
it's not hard to
get wine coolers.
27
00:00:46,580 --> 00:00:48,514
We'll just stand outside
the liquor store
28
00:00:48,516 --> 00:00:50,282
And target the
creepy old dudes.
29
00:00:50,284 --> 00:00:51,650
(gasping) no!
30
00:00:51,652 --> 00:00:53,085
Mom?
31
00:00:53,087 --> 00:00:56,121
I picked up the
phone by accident,
but I heard everything.
32
00:00:56,123 --> 00:00:59,858
And then came the thing
she lived to say.
33
00:00:59,860 --> 00:01:02,628
I'm not mad,
I'm just disappointed.
34
00:01:02,630 --> 00:01:05,397
Erica was
smart and sneaky
in her own right,
35
00:01:05,399 --> 00:01:08,267
So my mom had to
bring her "a" game.
36
00:01:08,269 --> 00:01:10,269
She read her diary.
37
00:01:10,271 --> 00:01:12,604
And when she realized
it was just a decoy
38
00:01:12,606 --> 00:01:14,073
Planted there
for her to read,
39
00:01:14,075 --> 00:01:16,108
She'd find her real diary.
40
00:01:16,110 --> 00:01:17,443
And she wasn't afraid
to get down and dirty
41
00:01:17,445 --> 00:01:21,513
To find out what was
going on even when
nothing was going on.
42
00:01:21,515 --> 00:01:23,549
No, you're still
conjugating it wrong.
43
00:01:23,551 --> 00:01:25,417
It's j'aime danser.
44
00:01:25,419 --> 00:01:27,586
(snoring in distance)
45
00:01:27,854 --> 00:01:29,254
What's that sound?
46
00:01:29,256 --> 00:01:31,190
(snoring continues)
47
00:01:31,192 --> 00:01:34,860
I think it's snoring.
48
00:01:35,862 --> 00:01:38,297
Seriously?
Nope.
49
00:01:38,299 --> 00:01:38,897
(scoffs)
50
00:01:38,899 --> 00:01:43,335
I mean,
if you're gonna spy,
at least try to stay awake.
51
00:01:44,270 --> 00:01:48,173
Well, in my defense,
that was very boring.
52
00:01:48,374 --> 00:01:49,408
♪ I'm twisted up inside
53
00:01:49,410 --> 00:01:53,846
♪ but nonetheless
I feel the need to say
54
00:01:55,782 --> 00:01:56,715
♪ I don't know the future
55
00:01:56,717 --> 00:02:00,285
♪ but the past keeps getting
clearer every day ♪
56
00:02:00,287 --> 00:02:02,621
Adult adam: It was
February 6, 1980-something,
57
00:02:02,623 --> 00:02:05,324
And while erica
was my mother's main focus,
58
00:02:05,326 --> 00:02:07,659
She still had time
to aggravate barry, too.
59
00:02:07,661 --> 00:02:09,128
I'm not exaggerating!
60
00:02:09,130 --> 00:02:10,996
This is literally
the worst decision
61
00:02:10,998 --> 00:02:12,865
Any parent has made
on this planet
62
00:02:12,867 --> 00:02:15,400
And any other planet
capable of sustaining life.
63
00:02:15,402 --> 00:02:18,504
You're not having
a girl in your room,
end of argument.
64
00:02:18,506 --> 00:02:21,273
Lexy bloom is
just my lab partner.
65
00:02:21,275 --> 00:02:23,509
All we're
gonna do is study.
We're just friends.
66
00:02:23,511 --> 00:02:26,478
Okay. Then you can study
right here at the table.
67
00:02:26,480 --> 00:02:27,212
Here?
68
00:02:27,214 --> 00:02:28,113
How am I
supposed to impress her
69
00:02:28,115 --> 00:02:31,250
With dad strolling around
in his underpants?
70
00:02:31,252 --> 00:02:31,583
Aha!
71
00:02:31,585 --> 00:02:34,019
You are trying
to get romantic with her.
72
00:02:34,021 --> 00:02:35,854
Of course I am!
73
00:02:35,856 --> 00:02:38,157
Romance pumps
in my veins.
74
00:02:38,159 --> 00:02:39,324
Haven't you heard
my rap ballad
75
00:02:39,326 --> 00:02:42,928
About stone-cold
grooving with a chick
on a ferris wheel?
76
00:02:42,930 --> 00:02:44,062
I have.
77
00:02:44,064 --> 00:02:45,797
It was wonderful.
78
00:02:45,799 --> 00:02:46,865
Not changing my mind.
79
00:02:46,867 --> 00:02:48,934
This is such
controversial bullcrap!
80
00:02:48,936 --> 00:02:51,270
Adam has emmy mirsky
in his room right now!
81
00:02:51,272 --> 00:02:52,538
Oh, please.
82
00:02:52,540 --> 00:02:53,372
Emmy mirsky doesn't count.
83
00:02:53,374 --> 00:02:56,108
They've been inseparable
since they were in diapers.
84
00:02:56,110 --> 00:02:57,376
He calls her "muscles".
85
00:02:57,378 --> 00:02:58,877
They're like
brother and sister.
86
00:02:58,879 --> 00:03:01,547
Really?
'cause if you ask me,
87
00:03:01,549 --> 00:03:05,017
That friendship is hardly
as innocent as we think.
88
00:03:07,921 --> 00:03:09,788
Ha! Busted!
89
00:03:10,390 --> 00:03:11,924
Wait.
What are you doing?
90
00:03:11,926 --> 00:03:14,626
It rained so we got worms,
and now we're trying to see
91
00:03:14,628 --> 00:03:17,596
Who can keep them
on their face the longest
92
00:03:17,598 --> 00:03:19,364
Without freaking out.
93
00:03:20,767 --> 00:03:21,934
Well,
that's sweet, guys.
94
00:03:21,936 --> 00:03:24,736
We'll give you
some privacy.
95
00:03:25,238 --> 00:03:27,806
Ugh! Not fair!
96
00:03:27,808 --> 00:03:28,640
What the hell
was that about?
97
00:03:28,642 --> 00:03:30,409
Something insane.
I don't even
question it anymore.
98
00:03:30,411 --> 00:03:32,144
I've got to get these
things off my face!
99
00:03:32,146 --> 00:03:35,447
Yes! I win.
You know what that means.
100
00:03:35,449 --> 00:03:37,983
Ow! You punched me
in my allergy shot.
101
00:03:37,985 --> 00:03:40,752
Adult adam: Yep. This was
my friend emmy mirsky.
102
00:03:40,754 --> 00:03:43,355
She was a goofball
and my wingman.
103
00:03:43,357 --> 00:03:45,224
Or maybe I was hers.
104
00:03:45,226 --> 00:03:46,725
Top gun five.
105
00:03:46,727 --> 00:03:47,426
Later, goose!
106
00:03:47,428 --> 00:03:50,996
Whoa. I'm not goose.
You're goose. I'm maverick.
107
00:03:50,998 --> 00:03:51,496
Uh, wrong.
108
00:03:51,498 --> 00:03:53,999
I'm maverick because
I look super-cool
in aviator glasses,
109
00:03:54,001 --> 00:03:57,436
Which you can't wear
because of your
hilarious lazy eye.
110
00:03:57,438 --> 00:04:00,038
My mom says I can
get prescription shades,
111
00:04:00,040 --> 00:04:01,974
So you can suck it!
112
00:04:03,076 --> 00:04:03,842
Aah!
113
00:04:03,844 --> 00:04:04,776
Adult adam: Bead curtains.
114
00:04:04,778 --> 00:04:07,946
That alone
should have been enough
to get me to turn around.
115
00:04:08,014 --> 00:04:11,049
Hey.
Re-dim that mood lighting.
116
00:04:11,051 --> 00:04:12,317
What are you doing?
117
00:04:12,319 --> 00:04:14,119
Trying to make it
romantic in here,
118
00:04:14,121 --> 00:04:17,055
Like a french boudoir
or lee majors' hot tub.
119
00:04:17,057 --> 00:04:20,959
Why?
'cause lexy bloom can't
step one foot into my room
120
00:04:20,961 --> 00:04:23,128
Even though emmy
sleeps over in your room
121
00:04:23,130 --> 00:04:24,396
Whenever her parents
go out of town.
122
00:04:24,398 --> 00:04:26,298
That's 'cause emmy's
not really a girl.
123
00:04:26,300 --> 00:04:29,901
She's like a sibling
except I like her.
124
00:04:29,903 --> 00:04:30,435
Please.
125
00:04:30,437 --> 00:04:33,538
It's just a matter
of time before you two
are making out.
126
00:04:33,540 --> 00:04:34,773
Gross!
127
00:04:34,775 --> 00:04:35,707
We're just friends.
128
00:04:35,709 --> 00:04:38,310
Dude,
you're so clueless.
129
00:04:38,312 --> 00:04:41,046
Men and women
can't be friends.
130
00:04:41,048 --> 00:04:44,349
That's a fact.
It's in the encyclopedia.
131
00:04:44,351 --> 00:04:45,150
Look it up.
132
00:04:45,152 --> 00:04:46,184
Why can't we be friends?
133
00:04:46,186 --> 00:04:48,920
A little thing
called sexual tension.
134
00:04:48,922 --> 00:04:51,657
You and emmy will happen.
135
00:04:51,659 --> 00:04:52,424
Now, if you'll excuse me,
136
00:04:52,426 --> 00:04:56,328
I have to finish
setting the mood
before lexy arrives.
137
00:04:56,929 --> 00:04:58,163
(whale lowing on tape)
138
00:04:58,165 --> 00:05:00,098
(sighs) whale sounds.
139
00:05:00,100 --> 00:05:03,435
Ladies can't resist
their haunting song.
Look it up.
140
00:05:03,437 --> 00:05:06,772
I think you need
a new encyclopedia.
141
00:05:08,141 --> 00:05:09,875
(applause on tv)
man: Stay tuned.
We'll be right back.
142
00:05:09,877 --> 00:05:12,544
Beverly: Well, that was
the most humiliating thing
143
00:05:12,546 --> 00:05:14,079
I've ever been
through in my life.
144
00:05:14,081 --> 00:05:15,647
I'm the one
who's humiliated.
145
00:05:15,649 --> 00:05:18,750
You weren't sneaky at all.
Everyone saw you, mom.
146
00:05:18,752 --> 00:05:20,619
Saw me doing what?
Loving my daughter?
147
00:05:20,621 --> 00:05:22,454
Being a mom?
Hey! Enough!
148
00:05:22,456 --> 00:05:24,756
You two can argue
anywhere you like,
149
00:05:24,758 --> 00:05:26,491
But that's incredible!
Is on,
150
00:05:26,493 --> 00:05:28,894
And there's
a one-legged model.
151
00:05:28,896 --> 00:05:30,329
I don't know
how she's gonna
walk the runway.
152
00:05:30,331 --> 00:05:33,198
Murray, I don't want
to hear about your stupid
tv show right now.
153
00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:37,102
Stupid? Is it stupid
that a baby can water ski?
154
00:05:37,104 --> 00:05:41,239
Is it stupid that
someone taught rats
to play basketball?
155
00:05:41,241 --> 00:05:45,243
No, that's not stupid.
No, that's incredible!
156
00:05:45,245 --> 00:05:46,178
I'll tell you
what's stupid.
157
00:05:46,180 --> 00:05:49,181
I can't go anywhere
without my mother
trying to ruin my life.
158
00:05:49,183 --> 00:05:51,316
All I was doing
was shopping at
the same mall as you.
159
00:05:51,318 --> 00:05:53,318
All of a sudden,
that's a capital crime?
160
00:05:53,320 --> 00:05:54,286
Why are you
always following me?
161
00:05:54,288 --> 00:05:56,488
I mean, what, exactly,
do you think I'm up to?
162
00:05:56,490 --> 00:05:59,024
I don't know.
That's why I was
following you.
163
00:05:59,026 --> 00:06:00,292
So, you admit it!
164
00:06:00,294 --> 00:06:00,826
Enough!
165
00:06:00,828 --> 00:06:04,596
You two have to
work out your crap
because it's exhausting.
166
00:06:04,697 --> 00:06:05,630
Dad's right.
167
00:06:05,632 --> 00:06:07,499
I'm heading off to
college in two years.
168
00:06:07,501 --> 00:06:09,568
Do you really want
to leave it like this?
169
00:06:09,570 --> 00:06:10,535
Of course not.
170
00:06:10,537 --> 00:06:12,537
Then please just back off.
171
00:06:12,539 --> 00:06:13,872
I need space!
172
00:06:13,874 --> 00:06:16,174
I need trust.
173
00:06:17,910 --> 00:06:18,577
Fine.
174
00:06:18,579 --> 00:06:19,878
Adult adam:
And she meant it.
175
00:06:19,880 --> 00:06:21,646
Until the next time
my sister left the house.
176
00:06:21,648 --> 00:06:23,315
She went directly
to the real diary,
177
00:06:23,317 --> 00:06:29,888
And what she read would
shake her to her very core.
178
00:06:33,993 --> 00:06:35,994
(gasps)
179
00:06:36,329 --> 00:06:38,263
Crack rock!
180
00:06:38,265 --> 00:06:40,198
Crack rock!
181
00:06:40,333 --> 00:06:41,099
(sniffles)
182
00:06:41,101 --> 00:06:44,236
Erica's gonna take
crack rocks.
183
00:06:44,238 --> 00:06:45,270
Erica what?
184
00:06:45,272 --> 00:06:45,937
I read it in her diary.
185
00:06:45,939 --> 00:06:47,806
Not the decoy,
but the real one.
186
00:06:47,808 --> 00:06:50,008
Her friends
are participating
in crack rock,
187
00:06:50,010 --> 00:06:53,545
And now erica
is also going to
participate in crack rock.
188
00:06:53,547 --> 00:06:55,280
Can't you just
trust erica enough
189
00:06:55,282 --> 00:06:56,581
To know that she's
not gonna go out
190
00:06:56,583 --> 00:06:58,650
And eat crack
with her friends?
No!
191
00:06:58,652 --> 00:07:02,621
If my little baby
so much as touches
one piece of crack,
192
00:07:02,623 --> 00:07:04,289
Then I have failed
as a mother.
193
00:07:04,291 --> 00:07:06,591
You usually say that
for dramatic effect,
194
00:07:06,593 --> 00:07:08,960
But I agree
with you on this one.
195
00:07:08,962 --> 00:07:10,495
Hey.
196
00:07:10,497 --> 00:07:11,930
What's for dinner?
197
00:07:11,932 --> 00:07:12,798
Dinner. Yes.
198
00:07:12,800 --> 00:07:15,567
Funny you
should ask that.
199
00:07:15,635 --> 00:07:17,369
Um, come over here.
200
00:07:17,371 --> 00:07:20,205
Come sit next
to mama, baby.
201
00:07:20,207 --> 00:07:22,274
Are you crying?
No.
202
00:07:22,276 --> 00:07:26,778
I hope you're hungry
'cause, uh, we are
just gonna sit,
203
00:07:26,780 --> 00:07:28,079
Have a little chat.
204
00:07:28,081 --> 00:07:30,982
Oh, look.
Look what I have.
205
00:07:30,984 --> 00:07:32,984
Do you know
what this is?
206
00:07:32,986 --> 00:07:34,252
An egg.
207
00:07:34,254 --> 00:07:36,488
This is your brain.
208
00:07:37,190 --> 00:07:39,458
This is drugs.
209
00:07:40,326 --> 00:07:42,060
(sizzling)
210
00:07:44,297 --> 00:07:48,033
This is
your brain on drugs.
211
00:07:48,035 --> 00:07:49,334
Any questions?
212
00:07:49,336 --> 00:07:51,136
Yeah, quite a few.
213
00:07:51,138 --> 00:07:52,504
Uh, what the hell
is happening?
214
00:07:52,506 --> 00:07:54,940
Listen.
Your father and I
have good reason
215
00:07:54,942 --> 00:07:57,876
To believe that
something is going to...
216
00:07:58,377 --> 00:07:59,744
Murray.
What?
217
00:07:59,746 --> 00:08:01,346
That is a brain.
That's not food.
218
00:08:01,348 --> 00:08:05,383
And you...
I know everything 'cause
I read your real diary.
219
00:08:05,385 --> 00:08:07,986
Well, there's one thing
you don't know.
220
00:08:07,988 --> 00:08:09,488
I only wrote that
as a trap.
221
00:08:09,490 --> 00:08:12,057
You wrote fake stuff
in your real diary?
222
00:08:12,059 --> 00:08:13,258
Yes, because I knew
you would read it,
223
00:08:13,260 --> 00:08:17,629
And I wanted to prove
that you are incapable
of trusting me.
224
00:08:17,631 --> 00:08:19,030
Here's an idea.
225
00:08:19,032 --> 00:08:20,232
Don't write
your feelings down.
226
00:08:20,234 --> 00:08:24,569
Shove them down
into your body and forget
about them like I do.
227
00:08:24,571 --> 00:08:26,538
There's no downside.
228
00:08:27,507 --> 00:08:29,808
You're not really gonna
try the crack rock?
229
00:08:29,810 --> 00:08:30,509
Of course not!
230
00:08:30,511 --> 00:08:34,546
And the fact that
you thought I would
tells me everything.
231
00:08:34,548 --> 00:08:36,081
Wait, honey.
232
00:08:36,083 --> 00:08:37,282
Please don't be mad at me.
233
00:08:37,284 --> 00:08:40,919
I'm not mad,
just disappointed.
234
00:08:45,491 --> 00:08:47,626
Adult adam: It had been
a day since barry told me
235
00:08:47,628 --> 00:08:49,594
Men and women
can't be friends.
236
00:08:49,596 --> 00:08:50,795
Even though
I knew he was wrong,
237
00:08:50,797 --> 00:08:55,000
I still found myself
feeling kind of
weird around emmy.
238
00:08:55,002 --> 00:08:57,202
(video game beeping)
239
00:08:59,872 --> 00:09:01,106
(sighs) dude,
you died already?
240
00:09:01,108 --> 00:09:03,108
What's the matter with you?
You play solo.
241
00:09:03,110 --> 00:09:04,809
I'm not in the
mood for contra.
242
00:09:04,811 --> 00:09:07,178
I'm gonna go
grab a tastykake.
You want one?
243
00:09:07,180 --> 00:09:09,581
Bring the whole box.
244
00:09:12,685 --> 00:09:13,218
Pops!
245
00:09:13,220 --> 00:09:16,221
Oh, thank god.
I need you, man.
Really bad.
246
00:09:16,223 --> 00:09:20,592
Ah, I know that
desperate cry for help.
247
00:09:20,594 --> 00:09:21,993
Lady trouble?
248
00:09:21,995 --> 00:09:24,496
No. Yes.
I don't know.
249
00:09:24,498 --> 00:09:25,864
So, then, yes.
250
00:09:25,866 --> 00:09:27,432
Okay.
Here's my question.
251
00:09:27,434 --> 00:09:28,466
Can men and
women be friends?
252
00:09:28,468 --> 00:09:30,368
Oh, boy.
I thought you were
gonna ask me
253
00:09:30,370 --> 00:09:33,171
How to unhook
a bra or something.
254
00:09:33,173 --> 00:09:33,738
I'm all messed up.
255
00:09:33,740 --> 00:09:36,074
Barry said
emmy and I have
sexual tension.
256
00:09:36,076 --> 00:09:39,077
I don't know what that is,
but I think I got it,
257
00:09:39,079 --> 00:09:40,912
And now things
are totally weird.
258
00:09:40,914 --> 00:09:42,013
You and muscles mirsky?
259
00:09:42,015 --> 00:09:45,517
You two are lifelong buds.
There's no way.
260
00:09:45,519 --> 00:09:47,419
You sure?
Of course.
261
00:09:47,421 --> 00:09:49,788
Men and women
can be friends.
262
00:09:49,790 --> 00:09:51,856
Take me.
I got plenty.
263
00:09:51,858 --> 00:09:55,293
Gloria and sheila and mabel.
264
00:09:55,295 --> 00:09:59,030
Wait.
Aren't all of those
your ex-girlfriends?
265
00:09:59,032 --> 00:10:00,432
Oh, yeah.
266
00:10:00,434 --> 00:10:05,003
Well, they
started out as friends,
but I guess... Wait.
267
00:10:05,005 --> 00:10:06,504
Rose boykin.
She's a friend.
268
00:10:06,506 --> 00:10:08,840
So, you never
once kissed her.
269
00:10:08,842 --> 00:10:09,941
Once.
270
00:10:09,943 --> 00:10:11,876
Maybe twice.
271
00:10:12,211 --> 00:10:13,178
Maybe a lot more.
272
00:10:13,180 --> 00:10:15,280
(sighs)
none of this
helps me at all.
273
00:10:15,282 --> 00:10:16,948
It's not my fault.
274
00:10:16,950 --> 00:10:18,550
Women love me!
275
00:10:18,552 --> 00:10:19,384
Here.
276
00:10:19,386 --> 00:10:22,153
Let me show you
how to do the bra thing.
277
00:10:22,155 --> 00:10:25,223
Just name one
female friend. One.
278
00:10:25,225 --> 00:10:28,059
Forget me.
I'm a lost cause.
279
00:10:28,061 --> 00:10:30,328
But you love
movies, right?
280
00:10:30,330 --> 00:10:32,597
Go watch
when harry met sally...
281
00:10:32,599 --> 00:10:37,602
It's all about
how men and women
can be friends.
282
00:10:37,604 --> 00:10:39,771
Adult adam:
I took pops' advice,
and that night
283
00:10:39,773 --> 00:10:43,775
We rented a movie
about two besties like us.
284
00:10:47,146 --> 00:10:48,647
Oh, my god!
Oh, my god!
285
00:10:48,649 --> 00:10:52,317
Unfortunately,
pops hadn't quite
remembered how it ended.
286
00:10:52,319 --> 00:10:53,818
I have to go home now.
287
00:10:53,820 --> 00:10:54,853
This is your home.
288
00:10:54,855 --> 00:10:57,188
Then you have
to go home now.
289
00:10:57,890 --> 00:11:00,392
Yes,
things were awkward
in our house that week,
290
00:11:00,394 --> 00:11:01,593
And not just
between me and emmy.
291
00:11:01,595 --> 00:11:05,430
After my mom had
accused erica of
participating in crack rock,
292
00:11:05,432 --> 00:11:07,899
Tension in our house was
as thick as the ketchup
293
00:11:07,901 --> 00:11:10,502
My mom was bathing
our meatloaf in.
294
00:11:10,504 --> 00:11:13,238
(squeezes bottle rhythmically)
295
00:11:13,606 --> 00:11:15,173
(ketchup sputters)
296
00:11:15,175 --> 00:11:17,409
(clears throat)
297
00:11:17,643 --> 00:11:18,043
(sighs)
298
00:11:18,045 --> 00:11:20,945
All right, that's enough.
You've made your point.
299
00:11:21,447 --> 00:11:22,080
I screwed up.
300
00:11:22,082 --> 00:11:26,818
But I promise from
now on, I will respect
your privacy for real.
301
00:11:26,820 --> 00:11:28,219
No more listening
through the vent?
302
00:11:28,221 --> 00:11:30,755
No more.
No more reading my diary?
303
00:11:30,757 --> 00:11:31,656
Wouldn't dream of it.
304
00:11:31,658 --> 00:11:34,192
I'm going to
the movies tonight
with lainey.
305
00:11:34,194 --> 00:11:34,826
Can you trust me?
306
00:11:34,828 --> 00:11:40,899
I can trust you
if you can promise me
that you can be trustworthy.
307
00:11:40,901 --> 00:11:42,333
I promise.
308
00:11:42,335 --> 00:11:45,136
I'm worthy of your trust.
309
00:11:45,604 --> 00:11:48,373
I can't believe
my mom trusted me!
310
00:11:48,375 --> 00:11:50,075
(chanting)
toga! Toga!
311
00:11:50,077 --> 00:11:52,177
No, don't do that.
Oh.
312
00:11:52,179 --> 00:11:57,082
Adult adam: As erica
was finally gonna live it up,
I was breaking down.
313
00:11:57,084 --> 00:11:58,783
Harry and sally
are lovers!
314
00:11:58,785 --> 00:12:01,252
I'm pretty sure
you're wrong about that.
315
00:12:01,254 --> 00:12:03,254
Emmy and I just watched it.
316
00:12:03,256 --> 00:12:04,489
And?
317
00:12:04,491 --> 00:12:05,924
They end up together,
318
00:12:05,926 --> 00:12:08,526
Sucking on each other's
faces like moray eels.
319
00:12:08,528 --> 00:12:09,761
You know,
come to think of it,
320
00:12:09,763 --> 00:12:13,198
I saw that movie with
my friend miriam, and...
321
00:12:13,200 --> 00:12:15,266
We just might have
left early to...
322
00:12:15,268 --> 00:12:18,770
Well, you don't need to
know why we left early.
323
00:12:18,772 --> 00:12:19,404
What do I do now?
324
00:12:19,406 --> 00:12:22,340
How do I get things
back to normal with emmy?
325
00:12:22,342 --> 00:12:24,042
You can't.
326
00:12:24,044 --> 00:12:25,910
The horse is
out of the barn.
327
00:12:25,912 --> 00:12:26,377
What horse?
328
00:12:26,379 --> 00:12:29,147
The horse that
goes by the name
of sexual tension.
329
00:12:29,149 --> 00:12:32,283
And there's only one way
to ease that tension.
330
00:12:32,285 --> 00:12:34,085
By remaining friends
and not addressing it?
331
00:12:34,087 --> 00:12:36,588
You got to kiss her,
see if there's sparks.
332
00:12:36,590 --> 00:12:39,457
Me and lexy bloom
are dealing with
the same issue.
333
00:12:39,459 --> 00:12:41,392
It's been tough.
I'm not gonna lie.
334
00:12:41,394 --> 00:12:42,660
What are you
talking about?
335
00:12:42,662 --> 00:12:44,062
She didn't even
show up yesterday.
336
00:12:44,064 --> 00:12:46,064
Yeah, 'cause she didn't
trust herself around me.
337
00:12:46,066 --> 00:12:48,767
Well, it's different
with me and emmy.
338
00:12:48,769 --> 00:12:49,601
Pops,
tell him he's nuts.
339
00:12:49,603 --> 00:12:54,939
Kiddo, you just got
to follow your heart.
340
00:12:55,941 --> 00:12:58,777
What does that mean?
Tell me.
341
00:12:58,779 --> 00:13:00,311
Do I kiss her or not?
342
00:13:00,313 --> 00:13:01,646
I don't know.
343
00:13:01,648 --> 00:13:02,781
You've asked
the one question
344
00:13:02,783 --> 00:13:05,784
That men and women
have debated since
the dawn of time.
345
00:13:05,786 --> 00:13:10,321
Nobody knows,
nobody on this planet.
346
00:13:11,290 --> 00:13:12,590
I know.
347
00:13:12,592 --> 00:13:14,459
It's kissing time, bro.
348
00:13:14,461 --> 00:13:16,227
(sighs)
349
00:13:18,264 --> 00:13:20,732
Bevy,
you promised the girl.
350
00:13:20,734 --> 00:13:22,600
Relax.
I'm just tidying up.
351
00:13:22,602 --> 00:13:25,870
Really? Wow.
That's a big step.
352
00:13:25,872 --> 00:13:29,808
I know. It feels good
to finally trust her.
353
00:13:29,810 --> 00:13:35,346
The fact that her sheet
is missing from her bed
354
00:13:35,348 --> 00:13:37,749
Doesn't bother me at all.
355
00:13:37,850 --> 00:13:39,517
Good.
356
00:13:40,286 --> 00:13:41,319
Wait.
357
00:13:41,321 --> 00:13:43,254
What does that have
to do with anything?
358
00:13:43,256 --> 00:13:43,855
Nothing.
359
00:13:43,857 --> 00:13:48,359
I may have overheard her
talking about a fraternity
toga party over at villanova,
360
00:13:48,361 --> 00:13:50,428
But I'm sure there's
hundreds of other reasons
361
00:13:50,430 --> 00:13:55,400
She would take a bedsheet
to the movies with lainey.
362
00:13:55,467 --> 00:13:56,067
Oh, I know.
363
00:13:56,069 --> 00:13:58,269
Maybe it was
one of those movies
364
00:13:58,271 --> 00:14:00,471
Where they ask you
to bring a sheet.
365
00:14:00,473 --> 00:14:01,272
Those exist, right?
366
00:14:01,274 --> 00:14:02,340
Oh, I see
what you're trying to do.
367
00:14:02,342 --> 00:14:05,076
You want me to
suggest that we go out
and track her down
368
00:14:05,078 --> 00:14:06,911
So you can
still look innocent.
369
00:14:06,913 --> 00:14:08,413
Well,
it's not going to work.
370
00:14:08,415 --> 00:14:10,281
Your baby girl is
at a college frat house
371
00:14:10,283 --> 00:14:13,151
Wearing a thin layer
of bedding.
372
00:14:13,153 --> 00:14:16,054
Holy (bleep)
let's go!
373
00:14:17,223 --> 00:14:21,526
Adult adam: As much
as I hated to admit it,
I knew barry was right.
374
00:14:21,528 --> 00:14:22,594
Emmy and I had to kiss.
375
00:14:22,596 --> 00:14:26,798
So I put on
my best suit and braced
myself for the worst.
376
00:14:27,399 --> 00:14:29,801
Got your call.
What's the emergency?
377
00:14:29,803 --> 00:14:32,303
Why are you dressed
like a game show host?
378
00:14:32,305 --> 00:14:35,306
(sighs)
please have a seat.
379
00:14:35,308 --> 00:14:35,907
We need to chat.
380
00:14:35,909 --> 00:14:37,775
I came all the way
here to chat?
381
00:14:37,777 --> 00:14:40,845
Why do we even have
walkie-talkies?
382
00:14:43,649 --> 00:14:44,082
Okay.
383
00:14:44,084 --> 00:14:46,284
I know it's been
weird between us,
384
00:14:46,286 --> 00:14:48,219
But I know how to fix it.
385
00:14:48,221 --> 00:14:50,455
(exhales deeply)
we got to kiss.
386
00:14:50,457 --> 00:14:51,422
What?
387
00:14:51,424 --> 00:14:52,123
It's the only way.
388
00:14:52,125 --> 00:14:53,992
We have to find out
if there's sparks.
389
00:14:53,994 --> 00:14:55,293
There aren't any sparks.
390
00:14:55,295 --> 00:14:56,227
We don't know that!
391
00:14:56,229 --> 00:14:59,764
You saw what happened
to harry and sally.
392
00:14:59,766 --> 00:15:01,532
We got to do this.
393
00:15:05,170 --> 00:15:05,536
Fine.
394
00:15:05,538 --> 00:15:08,239
I'll give you a stupid kiss
for one second.
Three seconds.
395
00:15:08,241 --> 00:15:09,908
Eyes open.
Eyes closed.
396
00:15:09,910 --> 00:15:10,875
Lights on.
Dimmed.
397
00:15:10,877 --> 00:15:12,443
Don't touch
my hair or face.
398
00:15:12,445 --> 00:15:14,679
I'm not gonna
touch you. Gross.
399
00:15:14,681 --> 00:15:17,482
Thank you.
(sighs)
400
00:15:17,616 --> 00:15:19,417
Let's do this.
401
00:15:20,586 --> 00:15:22,353
Chiclet?
402
00:15:24,924 --> 00:15:28,126
All right.
On the count of three.
403
00:15:28,794 --> 00:15:30,395
One.
404
00:15:31,864 --> 00:15:33,364
Two.
405
00:15:37,069 --> 00:15:38,569
Nope! Can't do it!
406
00:15:38,571 --> 00:15:39,437
We have to, emmy.
407
00:15:39,439 --> 00:15:42,473
It's the only way to know
if we can still be friends.
408
00:15:42,475 --> 00:15:44,509
I already know!
409
00:15:45,577 --> 00:15:48,913
We're not
friends anymore.
You ruined it.
410
00:15:48,915 --> 00:15:53,151
Adult adam: I wasn't
the only one having the
worst night of their life.
411
00:15:53,153 --> 00:15:54,118
Erica's toga party,
412
00:15:54,120 --> 00:15:57,622
Not as awesome as
she thought it would be.
413
00:15:58,057 --> 00:15:59,257
Yo.
414
00:15:59,259 --> 00:16:00,792
Me? Oh.
415
00:16:00,794 --> 00:16:01,292
Yo.
416
00:16:01,294 --> 00:16:02,593
What's going on
with your toga?
417
00:16:02,595 --> 00:16:05,697
Oh, I accidentally
took the fitted sheet.
418
00:16:05,699 --> 00:16:06,464
What's a fitted sheet?
419
00:16:06,466 --> 00:16:09,600
You know,
the sheet at the bottom
with the elastic around it?
420
00:16:09,602 --> 00:16:10,234
You have two sheets?
421
00:16:10,236 --> 00:16:11,769
What kind of fancy house
do you live in?
422
00:16:11,771 --> 00:16:14,205
Hey, kyle.
We need you for
the keg stands.
423
00:16:14,207 --> 00:16:17,942
And, no,
you're not invited,
dorky high school girl.
424
00:16:17,944 --> 00:16:18,609
I'm not in high school.
425
00:16:18,611 --> 00:16:22,347
Oh, really?
Name one professor
at villanova. Go.
426
00:16:22,349 --> 00:16:24,649
Professor togerman.
427
00:16:24,651 --> 00:16:27,685
Yeah. Why don't you
take your fitted sheet
and run on home?
428
00:16:27,687 --> 00:16:31,456
How does everyone know
about these special sheets?
429
00:16:33,058 --> 00:16:34,092
Lainey.
430
00:16:34,094 --> 00:16:34,625
Hey.
431
00:16:34,627 --> 00:16:37,829
Ox just invited
me to his room to
see his aquarium.
432
00:16:43,268 --> 00:16:45,503
(cans clattering)
433
00:16:45,505 --> 00:16:47,905
Girl: Way to go,
high school!
434
00:16:47,907 --> 00:16:51,909
Adult adam: As much as
erica hated that my mom
was always in her business,
435
00:16:51,911 --> 00:16:53,811
At that moment,
she sort of wished
436
00:16:53,813 --> 00:16:56,781
Beverly was there
to save her.
437
00:16:56,783 --> 00:16:59,283
That feeling quickly faded.
438
00:16:59,285 --> 00:17:01,486
Mom?
What the hell?
439
00:17:01,488 --> 00:17:02,587
No, you what the hell.
440
00:17:02,589 --> 00:17:04,655
Get in the car
right now!
441
00:17:04,657 --> 00:17:07,458
Murray, calm down.
442
00:17:07,893 --> 00:17:09,527
Just calm down.
443
00:17:09,962 --> 00:17:12,030
Erica, get in the car!
444
00:17:14,166 --> 00:17:17,368
So, this is what happens
when I trust you, huh?
445
00:17:17,370 --> 00:17:20,104
Guess who's
disappointed now.
446
00:17:20,106 --> 00:17:22,774
If you were gonna
guess me, you'd be right.
447
00:17:22,776 --> 00:17:25,309
And this is the reason
why I feel the need
448
00:17:25,311 --> 00:17:28,146
To keep such close
watch over everything.
449
00:17:28,148 --> 00:17:29,947
Are you crying?
450
00:17:31,050 --> 00:17:32,383
Murray, take a walk.
451
00:17:32,385 --> 00:17:33,951
But it's about to rain.
452
00:17:33,953 --> 00:17:36,120
Take a walk.
453
00:17:37,022 --> 00:17:38,790
You know
who's disappointed?
454
00:17:38,792 --> 00:17:41,526
Me. Disappointed!
455
00:17:44,129 --> 00:17:45,997
So, what happened?
It doesn't matter.
456
00:17:45,999 --> 00:17:48,966
All I know is
that you were right
not to trust me.
457
00:17:48,968 --> 00:17:50,101
But I do trust you.
458
00:17:50,103 --> 00:17:50,968
No, you don't.
I don't.
459
00:17:50,970 --> 00:17:54,472
You don't trust me
and I keep doing
untrustworthy things
460
00:17:54,474 --> 00:17:58,609
Which makes
you not trust me,
and I'm so tired of it.
461
00:17:58,611 --> 00:18:00,611
When is this gonna be
any different?
462
00:18:00,613 --> 00:18:01,979
Probably never.
463
00:18:01,981 --> 00:18:03,514
My mom used to do
the same thing to me,
464
00:18:03,516 --> 00:18:07,852
And I swore
I'd never do it to you,
but here I am doing it.
465
00:18:07,854 --> 00:18:09,520
But look
on the bright side.
466
00:18:09,522 --> 00:18:13,224
One day you'll have
a daughter of your own
not to trust.
467
00:18:13,226 --> 00:18:15,326
(kyrie plays)
468
00:18:15,861 --> 00:18:16,494
Murray, let's go.
469
00:18:16,496 --> 00:18:20,064
Give me a minute!
Some guy's gonna
show me his aquarium.
470
00:18:20,066 --> 00:18:22,100
Adult adam: While my mom
was finally mending
471
00:18:22,102 --> 00:18:22,967
Her relationship
with erica,
472
00:18:22,969 --> 00:18:25,670
I was figuring out
how to make up with emmy.
473
00:18:25,672 --> 00:18:27,905
I love that you get cold
when it's 71 degrees out.
474
00:18:27,907 --> 00:18:31,342
I love that it takes you
an hour and a half
to order a sandwich.
475
00:18:31,344 --> 00:18:33,478
I love that you get a little
crinkle above your nose
476
00:18:33,480 --> 00:18:34,679
When you're looking
at me like I'm nuts.
477
00:18:34,681 --> 00:18:40,051
Adult adam: And it was
harry who made me realize
exactly what I had to do.
478
00:18:40,053 --> 00:18:45,623
♪ kyrie eleison,
down the road
that I must travel
479
00:18:45,625 --> 00:18:50,695
♪ kyrie eleison,
through the darkness
of the night
480
00:18:50,697 --> 00:18:57,034
♪ kyrie eleison,
where I'm going,
will you follow? ♪
481
00:18:58,437 --> 00:19:00,271
What do you want?
482
00:19:00,273 --> 00:19:02,840
Come here.
We need to talk.
483
00:19:02,842 --> 00:19:05,276
Emmy,
I've been doing
a lot of thinking,
484
00:19:05,278 --> 00:19:09,347
And the thing is,
I don't love you.
485
00:19:09,648 --> 00:19:11,149
You mean it?
486
00:19:11,151 --> 00:19:12,016
Look.
487
00:19:12,018 --> 00:19:13,117
Sometimes,
you meet a girl
488
00:19:13,119 --> 00:19:15,887
And you just know
that she's the one.
489
00:19:15,889 --> 00:19:17,088
When you act like a wuss,
490
00:19:17,090 --> 00:19:18,856
She's the one
that punches you hard.
491
00:19:18,858 --> 00:19:21,392
When you
find a dead mouse,
she's the one
492
00:19:21,394 --> 00:19:23,761
That helps you hide it
under barry's pillow.
493
00:19:23,763 --> 00:19:25,329
When you put too much
confidence in a fart,
494
00:19:25,331 --> 00:19:27,765
She's the one that helps you
bury your underpants
495
00:19:27,767 --> 00:19:29,734
In the woods
behind the school.
496
00:19:29,736 --> 00:19:30,535
She's your friend.
497
00:19:30,537 --> 00:19:34,005
And you never, ever
want to kiss her.
498
00:19:38,577 --> 00:19:40,878
Want to go get some worms?
499
00:19:43,582 --> 00:19:45,516
Adult adam:
After that fateful night,
500
00:19:45,518 --> 00:19:49,287
Things got better
for all of us goldbergs.
501
00:19:50,255 --> 00:19:52,423
(snoring)
502
00:19:54,426 --> 00:19:59,764
♪ kyrie eleison,
where I'm going,
will you follow? ♪
503
00:19:59,766 --> 00:20:02,066
Adult adam: There was
a little less fighting
504
00:20:02,068 --> 00:20:03,301
And a little more trust.
505
00:20:03,303 --> 00:20:06,170
Why don't you two go study
up in barry's room?
506
00:20:06,172 --> 00:20:07,471
There's less foot traffic.
507
00:20:07,473 --> 00:20:10,274
Really?
Yeah, I'm not
going up there.
508
00:20:11,343 --> 00:20:12,577
And as for
me and emmy,
509
00:20:12,579 --> 00:20:15,713
To this day,
we're just friends.
510
00:20:15,715 --> 00:20:16,314
Keep up, goose.
511
00:20:16,316 --> 00:20:18,182
I'm not goose!
I'm maverick.
512
00:20:18,184 --> 00:20:21,586
(laughs)
sure you are, goose.
513
00:20:23,522 --> 00:20:26,290
Boy: Emmy mirsky,
best friend of adam.
514
00:20:33,465 --> 00:20:34,532
Aah!
515
00:20:34,534 --> 00:20:36,033
Move over!
516
00:20:36,035 --> 00:20:37,435
You're not gonna
show this to anyone,
517
00:20:37,437 --> 00:20:40,338
So I don't really care.
How do you know?
518
00:20:40,505 --> 00:20:44,709
Okay.
I helped barry make
his first music video.
519
00:20:46,578 --> 00:20:49,347
Emmy, you're kind of
a girl. Sort of.
520
00:20:49,349 --> 00:20:52,717
You have to honestly
tell me what you think.
521
00:20:53,685 --> 00:20:54,218
(rap beat plays)
522
00:20:54,220 --> 00:20:57,121
♪ hey, girl, you lookin' good
up here where the air is
523
00:20:57,123 --> 00:21:00,191
♪ you 'n' big tasty
on a wheel by ferris
524
00:21:00,193 --> 00:21:02,827
♪ up and up we go,
I know you gonna ask it
525
00:21:02,829 --> 00:21:05,730
♪ how we gettin' down from
this sexy floatin' basket?
526
00:21:05,732 --> 00:21:08,432
♪ stop at the top,
is it just our luck?
527
00:21:08,434 --> 00:21:11,802
♪ or did I tip that carny
an extra 14 bucks?
528
00:21:11,804 --> 00:21:14,839
♪ ferris wheel,
ferris, ferris wheel
529
00:21:14,841 --> 00:21:17,141
♪ hey, oh
530
00:21:17,143 --> 00:21:19,443
♪ you know how I feel
531
00:21:19,445 --> 00:21:21,445
Whale break.
532
00:21:21,747 --> 00:21:23,648
(whale lowing)
533
00:21:23,650 --> 00:21:24,615
What do you think?
534
00:21:24,617 --> 00:21:27,118
I'm gonna need
40 copies of this.
535
00:21:27,120 --> 00:21:28,719
Yeah, you are!