1 00:00:00,333 --> 00:00:01,333 Adult adam: Since the dawn of time, 2 00:00:01,335 --> 00:00:02,868 Mothers and daughters have always fought. 3 00:00:02,870 --> 00:00:04,737 10:00 is an embarrassing curfew. 4 00:00:04,739 --> 00:00:06,472 Oh, it's embarrassing to tell your girlfriends 5 00:00:06,474 --> 00:00:08,707 You'd like to hang out at a safer time? 6 00:00:08,709 --> 00:00:10,242 A lot. Ugh! 7 00:00:10,244 --> 00:00:10,776 Absolutely not. 8 00:00:10,778 --> 00:00:12,177 Doesn't matter what the topic is, 9 00:00:12,179 --> 00:00:15,748 They'll find a way to disagree strongly and dramatically. 10 00:00:15,750 --> 00:00:16,982 And when that runs its course, 11 00:00:16,984 --> 00:00:19,284 They'll just lob insults at each other. 12 00:00:19,286 --> 00:00:20,452 This house sucks! 13 00:00:20,454 --> 00:00:21,787 It became the background noise of our lives. 14 00:00:21,789 --> 00:00:24,556 And soon, it became weird when they weren't fighting. 15 00:00:24,558 --> 00:00:26,058 There's nothing wrong with this outfit. 16 00:00:26,060 --> 00:00:27,593 They keep it very hot in the gym. 17 00:00:27,595 --> 00:00:29,294 It was a vicious, never-ending war. 18 00:00:29,296 --> 00:00:32,965 All we knew was to keep our heads low and out of the line of fire. 19 00:00:32,967 --> 00:00:34,033 You're not going. 20 00:00:34,035 --> 00:00:36,301 In a nutshell, all of their fights 21 00:00:36,303 --> 00:00:37,436 Boiled down to one thing. 22 00:00:37,438 --> 00:00:40,139 Ugh! Why can't you ever just trust me? 23 00:00:40,141 --> 00:00:41,874 I do trust you! 24 00:00:41,876 --> 00:00:42,508 She didn't. 25 00:00:42,510 --> 00:00:44,743 And to be fair, she didn't have any reason to. 26 00:00:44,745 --> 00:00:46,578 No, lainey, it's not hard to get wine coolers. 27 00:00:46,580 --> 00:00:48,514 We'll just stand outside the liquor store 28 00:00:48,516 --> 00:00:50,282 And target the creepy old dudes. 29 00:00:50,284 --> 00:00:51,650 (gasping) no! 30 00:00:51,652 --> 00:00:53,085 Mom? 31 00:00:53,087 --> 00:00:56,121 I picked up the phone by accident, but I heard everything. 32 00:00:56,123 --> 00:00:59,858 And then came the thing she lived to say. 33 00:00:59,860 --> 00:01:02,628 I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed. 34 00:01:02,630 --> 00:01:05,397 Erica was smart and sneaky in her own right, 35 00:01:05,399 --> 00:01:08,267 So my mom had to bring her "a" game. 36 00:01:08,269 --> 00:01:10,269 She read her diary. 37 00:01:10,271 --> 00:01:12,604 And when she realized it was just a decoy 38 00:01:12,606 --> 00:01:14,073 Planted there for her to read, 39 00:01:14,075 --> 00:01:16,108 She'd find her real diary. 40 00:01:16,110 --> 00:01:17,443 And she wasn't afraid to get down and dirty 41 00:01:17,445 --> 00:01:21,513 To find out what was going on even when nothing was going on. 42 00:01:21,515 --> 00:01:23,549 No, you're still conjugating it wrong. 43 00:01:23,551 --> 00:01:25,417 It's j'aime danser. 44 00:01:25,419 --> 00:01:27,586 (snoring in distance) 45 00:01:27,854 --> 00:01:29,254 What's that sound? 46 00:01:29,256 --> 00:01:31,190 (snoring continues) 47 00:01:31,192 --> 00:01:34,860 I think it's snoring. 48 00:01:35,862 --> 00:01:38,297 Seriously? Nope. 49 00:01:38,299 --> 00:01:38,897 (scoffs) 50 00:01:38,899 --> 00:01:43,335 I mean, if you're gonna spy, at least try to stay awake. 51 00:01:44,270 --> 00:01:48,173 Well, in my defense, that was very boring. 52 00:01:48,374 --> 00:01:49,408 ♪ I'm twisted up inside 53 00:01:49,410 --> 00:01:53,846 ♪ but nonetheless I feel the need to say 54 00:01:55,782 --> 00:01:56,715 ♪ I don't know the future 55 00:01:56,717 --> 00:02:00,285 ♪ but the past keeps getting clearer every day ♪ 56 00:02:00,287 --> 00:02:02,621 Adult adam: It was February 6, 1980-something, 57 00:02:02,623 --> 00:02:05,324 And while erica was my mother's main focus, 58 00:02:05,326 --> 00:02:07,659 She still had time to aggravate barry, too. 59 00:02:07,661 --> 00:02:09,128 I'm not exaggerating! 60 00:02:09,130 --> 00:02:10,996 This is literally the worst decision 61 00:02:10,998 --> 00:02:12,865 Any parent has made on this planet 62 00:02:12,867 --> 00:02:15,400 And any other planet capable of sustaining life. 63 00:02:15,402 --> 00:02:18,504 You're not having a girl in your room, end of argument. 64 00:02:18,506 --> 00:02:21,273 Lexy bloom is just my lab partner. 65 00:02:21,275 --> 00:02:23,509 All we're gonna do is study. We're just friends. 66 00:02:23,511 --> 00:02:26,478 Okay. Then you can study right here at the table. 67 00:02:26,480 --> 00:02:27,212 Here? 68 00:02:27,214 --> 00:02:28,113 How am I supposed to impress her 69 00:02:28,115 --> 00:02:31,250 With dad strolling around in his underpants? 70 00:02:31,252 --> 00:02:31,583 Aha! 71 00:02:31,585 --> 00:02:34,019 You are trying to get romantic with her. 72 00:02:34,021 --> 00:02:35,854 Of course I am! 73 00:02:35,856 --> 00:02:38,157 Romance pumps in my veins. 74 00:02:38,159 --> 00:02:39,324 Haven't you heard my rap ballad 75 00:02:39,326 --> 00:02:42,928 About stone-cold grooving with a chick on a ferris wheel? 76 00:02:42,930 --> 00:02:44,062 I have. 77 00:02:44,064 --> 00:02:45,797 It was wonderful. 78 00:02:45,799 --> 00:02:46,865 Not changing my mind. 79 00:02:46,867 --> 00:02:48,934 This is such controversial bullcrap! 80 00:02:48,936 --> 00:02:51,270 Adam has emmy mirsky in his room right now! 81 00:02:51,272 --> 00:02:52,538 Oh, please. 82 00:02:52,540 --> 00:02:53,372 Emmy mirsky doesn't count. 83 00:02:53,374 --> 00:02:56,108 They've been inseparable since they were in diapers. 84 00:02:56,110 --> 00:02:57,376 He calls her "muscles". 85 00:02:57,378 --> 00:02:58,877 They're like brother and sister. 86 00:02:58,879 --> 00:03:01,547 Really? 'cause if you ask me, 87 00:03:01,549 --> 00:03:05,017 That friendship is hardly as innocent as we think. 88 00:03:07,921 --> 00:03:09,788 Ha! Busted! 89 00:03:10,390 --> 00:03:11,924 Wait. What are you doing? 90 00:03:11,926 --> 00:03:14,626 It rained so we got worms, and now we're trying to see 91 00:03:14,628 --> 00:03:17,596 Who can keep them on their face the longest 92 00:03:17,598 --> 00:03:19,364 Without freaking out. 93 00:03:20,767 --> 00:03:21,934 Well, that's sweet, guys. 94 00:03:21,936 --> 00:03:24,736 We'll give you some privacy. 95 00:03:25,238 --> 00:03:27,806 Ugh! Not fair! 96 00:03:27,808 --> 00:03:28,640 What the hell was that about? 97 00:03:28,642 --> 00:03:30,409 Something insane. I don't even question it anymore. 98 00:03:30,411 --> 00:03:32,144 I've got to get these things off my face! 99 00:03:32,146 --> 00:03:35,447 Yes! I win. You know what that means. 100 00:03:35,449 --> 00:03:37,983 Ow! You punched me in my allergy shot. 101 00:03:37,985 --> 00:03:40,752 Adult adam: Yep. This was my friend emmy mirsky. 102 00:03:40,754 --> 00:03:43,355 She was a goofball and my wingman. 103 00:03:43,357 --> 00:03:45,224 Or maybe I was hers. 104 00:03:45,226 --> 00:03:46,725 Top gun five. 105 00:03:46,727 --> 00:03:47,426 Later, goose! 106 00:03:47,428 --> 00:03:50,996 Whoa. I'm not goose. You're goose. I'm maverick. 107 00:03:50,998 --> 00:03:51,496 Uh, wrong. 108 00:03:51,498 --> 00:03:53,999 I'm maverick because I look super-cool in aviator glasses, 109 00:03:54,001 --> 00:03:57,436 Which you can't wear because of your hilarious lazy eye. 110 00:03:57,438 --> 00:04:00,038 My mom says I can get prescription shades, 111 00:04:00,040 --> 00:04:01,974 So you can suck it! 112 00:04:03,076 --> 00:04:03,842 Aah! 113 00:04:03,844 --> 00:04:04,776 Adult adam: Bead curtains. 114 00:04:04,778 --> 00:04:07,946 That alone should have been enough to get me to turn around. 115 00:04:08,014 --> 00:04:11,049 Hey. Re-dim that mood lighting. 116 00:04:11,051 --> 00:04:12,317 What are you doing? 117 00:04:12,319 --> 00:04:14,119 Trying to make it romantic in here, 118 00:04:14,121 --> 00:04:17,055 Like a french boudoir or lee majors' hot tub. 119 00:04:17,057 --> 00:04:20,959 Why? 'cause lexy bloom can't step one foot into my room 120 00:04:20,961 --> 00:04:23,128 Even though emmy sleeps over in your room 121 00:04:23,130 --> 00:04:24,396 Whenever her parents go out of town. 122 00:04:24,398 --> 00:04:26,298 That's 'cause emmy's not really a girl. 123 00:04:26,300 --> 00:04:29,901 She's like a sibling except I like her. 124 00:04:29,903 --> 00:04:30,435 Please. 125 00:04:30,437 --> 00:04:33,538 It's just a matter of time before you two are making out. 126 00:04:33,540 --> 00:04:34,773 Gross! 127 00:04:34,775 --> 00:04:35,707 We're just friends. 128 00:04:35,709 --> 00:04:38,310 Dude, you're so clueless. 129 00:04:38,312 --> 00:04:41,046 Men and women can't be friends. 130 00:04:41,048 --> 00:04:44,349 That's a fact. It's in the encyclopedia. 131 00:04:44,351 --> 00:04:45,150 Look it up. 132 00:04:45,152 --> 00:04:46,184 Why can't we be friends? 133 00:04:46,186 --> 00:04:48,920 A little thing called sexual tension. 134 00:04:48,922 --> 00:04:51,657 You and emmy will happen. 135 00:04:51,659 --> 00:04:52,424 Now, if you'll excuse me, 136 00:04:52,426 --> 00:04:56,328 I have to finish setting the mood before lexy arrives. 137 00:04:56,929 --> 00:04:58,163 (whale lowing on tape) 138 00:04:58,165 --> 00:05:00,098 (sighs) whale sounds. 139 00:05:00,100 --> 00:05:03,435 Ladies can't resist their haunting song. Look it up. 140 00:05:03,437 --> 00:05:06,772 I think you need a new encyclopedia. 141 00:05:08,141 --> 00:05:09,875 (applause on tv) man: Stay tuned. We'll be right back. 142 00:05:09,877 --> 00:05:12,544 Beverly: Well, that was the most humiliating thing 143 00:05:12,546 --> 00:05:14,079 I've ever been through in my life. 144 00:05:14,081 --> 00:05:15,647 I'm the one who's humiliated. 145 00:05:15,649 --> 00:05:18,750 You weren't sneaky at all. Everyone saw you, mom. 146 00:05:18,752 --> 00:05:20,619 Saw me doing what? Loving my daughter? 147 00:05:20,621 --> 00:05:22,454 Being a mom? Hey! Enough! 148 00:05:22,456 --> 00:05:24,756 You two can argue anywhere you like, 149 00:05:24,758 --> 00:05:26,491 But that's incredible! Is on, 150 00:05:26,493 --> 00:05:28,894 And there's a one-legged model. 151 00:05:28,896 --> 00:05:30,329 I don't know how she's gonna walk the runway. 152 00:05:30,331 --> 00:05:33,198 Murray, I don't want to hear about your stupid tv show right now. 153 00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:37,102 Stupid? Is it stupid that a baby can water ski? 154 00:05:37,104 --> 00:05:41,239 Is it stupid that someone taught rats to play basketball? 155 00:05:41,241 --> 00:05:45,243 No, that's not stupid. No, that's incredible! 156 00:05:45,245 --> 00:05:46,178 I'll tell you what's stupid. 157 00:05:46,180 --> 00:05:49,181 I can't go anywhere without my mother trying to ruin my life. 158 00:05:49,183 --> 00:05:51,316 All I was doing was shopping at the same mall as you. 159 00:05:51,318 --> 00:05:53,318 All of a sudden, that's a capital crime? 160 00:05:53,320 --> 00:05:54,286 Why are you always following me? 161 00:05:54,288 --> 00:05:56,488 I mean, what, exactly, do you think I'm up to? 162 00:05:56,490 --> 00:05:59,024 I don't know. That's why I was following you. 163 00:05:59,026 --> 00:06:00,292 So, you admit it! 164 00:06:00,294 --> 00:06:00,826 Enough! 165 00:06:00,828 --> 00:06:04,596 You two have to work out your crap because it's exhausting. 166 00:06:04,697 --> 00:06:05,630 Dad's right. 167 00:06:05,632 --> 00:06:07,499 I'm heading off to college in two years. 168 00:06:07,501 --> 00:06:09,568 Do you really want to leave it like this? 169 00:06:09,570 --> 00:06:10,535 Of course not. 170 00:06:10,537 --> 00:06:12,537 Then please just back off. 171 00:06:12,539 --> 00:06:13,872 I need space! 172 00:06:13,874 --> 00:06:16,174 I need trust. 173 00:06:17,910 --> 00:06:18,577 Fine. 174 00:06:18,579 --> 00:06:19,878 Adult adam: And she meant it. 175 00:06:19,880 --> 00:06:21,646 Until the next time my sister left the house. 176 00:06:21,648 --> 00:06:23,315 She went directly to the real diary, 177 00:06:23,317 --> 00:06:29,888 And what she read would shake her to her very core. 178 00:06:33,993 --> 00:06:35,994 (gasps) 179 00:06:36,329 --> 00:06:38,263 Crack rock! 180 00:06:38,265 --> 00:06:40,198 Crack rock! 181 00:06:40,333 --> 00:06:41,099 (sniffles) 182 00:06:41,101 --> 00:06:44,236 Erica's gonna take crack rocks. 183 00:06:44,238 --> 00:06:45,270 Erica what? 184 00:06:45,272 --> 00:06:45,937 I read it in her diary. 185 00:06:45,939 --> 00:06:47,806 Not the decoy, but the real one. 186 00:06:47,808 --> 00:06:50,008 Her friends are participating in crack rock, 187 00:06:50,010 --> 00:06:53,545 And now erica is also going to participate in crack rock. 188 00:06:53,547 --> 00:06:55,280 Can't you just trust erica enough 189 00:06:55,282 --> 00:06:56,581 To know that she's not gonna go out 190 00:06:56,583 --> 00:06:58,650 And eat crack with her friends? No! 191 00:06:58,652 --> 00:07:02,621 If my little baby so much as touches one piece of crack, 192 00:07:02,623 --> 00:07:04,289 Then I have failed as a mother. 193 00:07:04,291 --> 00:07:06,591 You usually say that for dramatic effect, 194 00:07:06,593 --> 00:07:08,960 But I agree with you on this one. 195 00:07:08,962 --> 00:07:10,495 Hey. 196 00:07:10,497 --> 00:07:11,930 What's for dinner? 197 00:07:11,932 --> 00:07:12,798 Dinner. Yes. 198 00:07:12,800 --> 00:07:15,567 Funny you should ask that. 199 00:07:15,635 --> 00:07:17,369 Um, come over here. 200 00:07:17,371 --> 00:07:20,205 Come sit next to mama, baby. 201 00:07:20,207 --> 00:07:22,274 Are you crying? No. 202 00:07:22,276 --> 00:07:26,778 I hope you're hungry 'cause, uh, we are just gonna sit, 203 00:07:26,780 --> 00:07:28,079 Have a little chat. 204 00:07:28,081 --> 00:07:30,982 Oh, look. Look what I have. 205 00:07:30,984 --> 00:07:32,984 Do you know what this is? 206 00:07:32,986 --> 00:07:34,252 An egg. 207 00:07:34,254 --> 00:07:36,488 This is your brain. 208 00:07:37,190 --> 00:07:39,458 This is drugs. 209 00:07:40,326 --> 00:07:42,060 (sizzling) 210 00:07:44,297 --> 00:07:48,033 This is your brain on drugs. 211 00:07:48,035 --> 00:07:49,334 Any questions? 212 00:07:49,336 --> 00:07:51,136 Yeah, quite a few. 213 00:07:51,138 --> 00:07:52,504 Uh, what the hell is happening? 214 00:07:52,506 --> 00:07:54,940 Listen. Your father and I have good reason 215 00:07:54,942 --> 00:07:57,876 To believe that something is going to... 216 00:07:58,377 --> 00:07:59,744 Murray. What? 217 00:07:59,746 --> 00:08:01,346 That is a brain. That's not food. 218 00:08:01,348 --> 00:08:05,383 And you... I know everything 'cause I read your real diary. 219 00:08:05,385 --> 00:08:07,986 Well, there's one thing you don't know. 220 00:08:07,988 --> 00:08:09,488 I only wrote that as a trap. 221 00:08:09,490 --> 00:08:12,057 You wrote fake stuff in your real diary? 222 00:08:12,059 --> 00:08:13,258 Yes, because I knew you would read it, 223 00:08:13,260 --> 00:08:17,629 And I wanted to prove that you are incapable of trusting me. 224 00:08:17,631 --> 00:08:19,030 Here's an idea. 225 00:08:19,032 --> 00:08:20,232 Don't write your feelings down. 226 00:08:20,234 --> 00:08:24,569 Shove them down into your body and forget about them like I do. 227 00:08:24,571 --> 00:08:26,538 There's no downside. 228 00:08:27,507 --> 00:08:29,808 You're not really gonna try the crack rock? 229 00:08:29,810 --> 00:08:30,509 Of course not! 230 00:08:30,511 --> 00:08:34,546 And the fact that you thought I would tells me everything. 231 00:08:34,548 --> 00:08:36,081 Wait, honey. 232 00:08:36,083 --> 00:08:37,282 Please don't be mad at me. 233 00:08:37,284 --> 00:08:40,919 I'm not mad, just disappointed. 234 00:08:45,491 --> 00:08:47,626 Adult adam: It had been a day since barry told me 235 00:08:47,628 --> 00:08:49,594 Men and women can't be friends. 236 00:08:49,596 --> 00:08:50,795 Even though I knew he was wrong, 237 00:08:50,797 --> 00:08:55,000 I still found myself feeling kind of weird around emmy. 238 00:08:55,002 --> 00:08:57,202 (video game beeping) 239 00:08:59,872 --> 00:09:01,106 (sighs) dude, you died already? 240 00:09:01,108 --> 00:09:03,108 What's the matter with you? You play solo. 241 00:09:03,110 --> 00:09:04,809 I'm not in the mood for contra. 242 00:09:04,811 --> 00:09:07,178 I'm gonna go grab a tastykake. You want one? 243 00:09:07,180 --> 00:09:09,581 Bring the whole box. 244 00:09:12,685 --> 00:09:13,218 Pops! 245 00:09:13,220 --> 00:09:16,221 Oh, thank god. I need you, man. Really bad. 246 00:09:16,223 --> 00:09:20,592 Ah, I know that desperate cry for help. 247 00:09:20,594 --> 00:09:21,993 Lady trouble? 248 00:09:21,995 --> 00:09:24,496 No. Yes. I don't know. 249 00:09:24,498 --> 00:09:25,864 So, then, yes. 250 00:09:25,866 --> 00:09:27,432 Okay. Here's my question. 251 00:09:27,434 --> 00:09:28,466 Can men and women be friends? 252 00:09:28,468 --> 00:09:30,368 Oh, boy. I thought you were gonna ask me 253 00:09:30,370 --> 00:09:33,171 How to unhook a bra or something. 254 00:09:33,173 --> 00:09:33,738 I'm all messed up. 255 00:09:33,740 --> 00:09:36,074 Barry said emmy and I have sexual tension. 256 00:09:36,076 --> 00:09:39,077 I don't know what that is, but I think I got it, 257 00:09:39,079 --> 00:09:40,912 And now things are totally weird. 258 00:09:40,914 --> 00:09:42,013 You and muscles mirsky? 259 00:09:42,015 --> 00:09:45,517 You two are lifelong buds. There's no way. 260 00:09:45,519 --> 00:09:47,419 You sure? Of course. 261 00:09:47,421 --> 00:09:49,788 Men and women can be friends. 262 00:09:49,790 --> 00:09:51,856 Take me. I got plenty. 263 00:09:51,858 --> 00:09:55,293 Gloria and sheila and mabel. 264 00:09:55,295 --> 00:09:59,030 Wait. Aren't all of those your ex-girlfriends? 265 00:09:59,032 --> 00:10:00,432 Oh, yeah. 266 00:10:00,434 --> 00:10:05,003 Well, they started out as friends, but I guess... Wait. 267 00:10:05,005 --> 00:10:06,504 Rose boykin. She's a friend. 268 00:10:06,506 --> 00:10:08,840 So, you never once kissed her. 269 00:10:08,842 --> 00:10:09,941 Once. 270 00:10:09,943 --> 00:10:11,876 Maybe twice. 271 00:10:12,211 --> 00:10:13,178 Maybe a lot more. 272 00:10:13,180 --> 00:10:15,280 (sighs) none of this helps me at all. 273 00:10:15,282 --> 00:10:16,948 It's not my fault. 274 00:10:16,950 --> 00:10:18,550 Women love me! 275 00:10:18,552 --> 00:10:19,384 Here. 276 00:10:19,386 --> 00:10:22,153 Let me show you how to do the bra thing. 277 00:10:22,155 --> 00:10:25,223 Just name one female friend. One. 278 00:10:25,225 --> 00:10:28,059 Forget me. I'm a lost cause. 279 00:10:28,061 --> 00:10:30,328 But you love movies, right? 280 00:10:30,330 --> 00:10:32,597 Go watch when harry met sally... 281 00:10:32,599 --> 00:10:37,602 It's all about how men and women can be friends. 282 00:10:37,604 --> 00:10:39,771 Adult adam: I took pops' advice, and that night 283 00:10:39,773 --> 00:10:43,775 We rented a movie about two besties like us. 284 00:10:47,146 --> 00:10:48,647 Oh, my god! Oh, my god! 285 00:10:48,649 --> 00:10:52,317 Unfortunately, pops hadn't quite remembered how it ended. 286 00:10:52,319 --> 00:10:53,818 I have to go home now. 287 00:10:53,820 --> 00:10:54,853 This is your home. 288 00:10:54,855 --> 00:10:57,188 Then you have to go home now. 289 00:10:57,890 --> 00:11:00,392 Yes, things were awkward in our house that week, 290 00:11:00,394 --> 00:11:01,593 And not just between me and emmy. 291 00:11:01,595 --> 00:11:05,430 After my mom had accused erica of participating in crack rock, 292 00:11:05,432 --> 00:11:07,899 Tension in our house was as thick as the ketchup 293 00:11:07,901 --> 00:11:10,502 My mom was bathing our meatloaf in. 294 00:11:10,504 --> 00:11:13,238 (squeezes bottle rhythmically) 295 00:11:13,606 --> 00:11:15,173 (ketchup sputters) 296 00:11:15,175 --> 00:11:17,409 (clears throat) 297 00:11:17,643 --> 00:11:18,043 (sighs) 298 00:11:18,045 --> 00:11:20,945 All right, that's enough. You've made your point. 299 00:11:21,447 --> 00:11:22,080 I screwed up. 300 00:11:22,082 --> 00:11:26,818 But I promise from now on, I will respect your privacy for real. 301 00:11:26,820 --> 00:11:28,219 No more listening through the vent? 302 00:11:28,221 --> 00:11:30,755 No more. No more reading my diary? 303 00:11:30,757 --> 00:11:31,656 Wouldn't dream of it. 304 00:11:31,658 --> 00:11:34,192 I'm going to the movies tonight with lainey. 305 00:11:34,194 --> 00:11:34,826 Can you trust me? 306 00:11:34,828 --> 00:11:40,899 I can trust you if you can promise me that you can be trustworthy. 307 00:11:40,901 --> 00:11:42,333 I promise. 308 00:11:42,335 --> 00:11:45,136 I'm worthy of your trust. 309 00:11:45,604 --> 00:11:48,373 I can't believe my mom trusted me! 310 00:11:48,375 --> 00:11:50,075 (chanting) toga! Toga! 311 00:11:50,077 --> 00:11:52,177 No, don't do that. Oh. 312 00:11:52,179 --> 00:11:57,082 Adult adam: As erica was finally gonna live it up, I was breaking down. 313 00:11:57,084 --> 00:11:58,783 Harry and sally are lovers! 314 00:11:58,785 --> 00:12:01,252 I'm pretty sure you're wrong about that. 315 00:12:01,254 --> 00:12:03,254 Emmy and I just watched it. 316 00:12:03,256 --> 00:12:04,489 And? 317 00:12:04,491 --> 00:12:05,924 They end up together, 318 00:12:05,926 --> 00:12:08,526 Sucking on each other's faces like moray eels. 319 00:12:08,528 --> 00:12:09,761 You know, come to think of it, 320 00:12:09,763 --> 00:12:13,198 I saw that movie with my friend miriam, and... 321 00:12:13,200 --> 00:12:15,266 We just might have left early to... 322 00:12:15,268 --> 00:12:18,770 Well, you don't need to know why we left early. 323 00:12:18,772 --> 00:12:19,404 What do I do now? 324 00:12:19,406 --> 00:12:22,340 How do I get things back to normal with emmy? 325 00:12:22,342 --> 00:12:24,042 You can't. 326 00:12:24,044 --> 00:12:25,910 The horse is out of the barn. 327 00:12:25,912 --> 00:12:26,377 What horse? 328 00:12:26,379 --> 00:12:29,147 The horse that goes by the name of sexual tension. 329 00:12:29,149 --> 00:12:32,283 And there's only one way to ease that tension. 330 00:12:32,285 --> 00:12:34,085 By remaining friends and not addressing it? 331 00:12:34,087 --> 00:12:36,588 You got to kiss her, see if there's sparks. 332 00:12:36,590 --> 00:12:39,457 Me and lexy bloom are dealing with the same issue. 333 00:12:39,459 --> 00:12:41,392 It's been tough. I'm not gonna lie. 334 00:12:41,394 --> 00:12:42,660 What are you talking about? 335 00:12:42,662 --> 00:12:44,062 She didn't even show up yesterday. 336 00:12:44,064 --> 00:12:46,064 Yeah, 'cause she didn't trust herself around me. 337 00:12:46,066 --> 00:12:48,767 Well, it's different with me and emmy. 338 00:12:48,769 --> 00:12:49,601 Pops, tell him he's nuts. 339 00:12:49,603 --> 00:12:54,939 Kiddo, you just got to follow your heart. 340 00:12:55,941 --> 00:12:58,777 What does that mean? Tell me. 341 00:12:58,779 --> 00:13:00,311 Do I kiss her or not? 342 00:13:00,313 --> 00:13:01,646 I don't know. 343 00:13:01,648 --> 00:13:02,781 You've asked the one question 344 00:13:02,783 --> 00:13:05,784 That men and women have debated since the dawn of time. 345 00:13:05,786 --> 00:13:10,321 Nobody knows, nobody on this planet. 346 00:13:11,290 --> 00:13:12,590 I know. 347 00:13:12,592 --> 00:13:14,459 It's kissing time, bro. 348 00:13:14,461 --> 00:13:16,227 (sighs) 349 00:13:18,264 --> 00:13:20,732 Bevy, you promised the girl. 350 00:13:20,734 --> 00:13:22,600 Relax. I'm just tidying up. 351 00:13:22,602 --> 00:13:25,870 Really? Wow. That's a big step. 352 00:13:25,872 --> 00:13:29,808 I know. It feels good to finally trust her. 353 00:13:29,810 --> 00:13:35,346 The fact that her sheet is missing from her bed 354 00:13:35,348 --> 00:13:37,749 Doesn't bother me at all. 355 00:13:37,850 --> 00:13:39,517 Good. 356 00:13:40,286 --> 00:13:41,319 Wait. 357 00:13:41,321 --> 00:13:43,254 What does that have to do with anything? 358 00:13:43,256 --> 00:13:43,855 Nothing. 359 00:13:43,857 --> 00:13:48,359 I may have overheard her talking about a fraternity toga party over at villanova, 360 00:13:48,361 --> 00:13:50,428 But I'm sure there's hundreds of other reasons 361 00:13:50,430 --> 00:13:55,400 She would take a bedsheet to the movies with lainey. 362 00:13:55,467 --> 00:13:56,067 Oh, I know. 363 00:13:56,069 --> 00:13:58,269 Maybe it was one of those movies 364 00:13:58,271 --> 00:14:00,471 Where they ask you to bring a sheet. 365 00:14:00,473 --> 00:14:01,272 Those exist, right? 366 00:14:01,274 --> 00:14:02,340 Oh, I see what you're trying to do. 367 00:14:02,342 --> 00:14:05,076 You want me to suggest that we go out and track her down 368 00:14:05,078 --> 00:14:06,911 So you can still look innocent. 369 00:14:06,913 --> 00:14:08,413 Well, it's not going to work. 370 00:14:08,415 --> 00:14:10,281 Your baby girl is at a college frat house 371 00:14:10,283 --> 00:14:13,151 Wearing a thin layer of bedding. 372 00:14:13,153 --> 00:14:16,054 Holy (bleep) let's go! 373 00:14:17,223 --> 00:14:21,526 Adult adam: As much as I hated to admit it, I knew barry was right. 374 00:14:21,528 --> 00:14:22,594 Emmy and I had to kiss. 375 00:14:22,596 --> 00:14:26,798 So I put on my best suit and braced myself for the worst. 376 00:14:27,399 --> 00:14:29,801 Got your call. What's the emergency? 377 00:14:29,803 --> 00:14:32,303 Why are you dressed like a game show host? 378 00:14:32,305 --> 00:14:35,306 (sighs) please have a seat. 379 00:14:35,308 --> 00:14:35,907 We need to chat. 380 00:14:35,909 --> 00:14:37,775 I came all the way here to chat? 381 00:14:37,777 --> 00:14:40,845 Why do we even have walkie-talkies? 382 00:14:43,649 --> 00:14:44,082 Okay. 383 00:14:44,084 --> 00:14:46,284 I know it's been weird between us, 384 00:14:46,286 --> 00:14:48,219 But I know how to fix it. 385 00:14:48,221 --> 00:14:50,455 (exhales deeply) we got to kiss. 386 00:14:50,457 --> 00:14:51,422 What? 387 00:14:51,424 --> 00:14:52,123 It's the only way. 388 00:14:52,125 --> 00:14:53,992 We have to find out if there's sparks. 389 00:14:53,994 --> 00:14:55,293 There aren't any sparks. 390 00:14:55,295 --> 00:14:56,227 We don't know that! 391 00:14:56,229 --> 00:14:59,764 You saw what happened to harry and sally. 392 00:14:59,766 --> 00:15:01,532 We got to do this. 393 00:15:05,170 --> 00:15:05,536 Fine. 394 00:15:05,538 --> 00:15:08,239 I'll give you a stupid kiss for one second. Three seconds. 395 00:15:08,241 --> 00:15:09,908 Eyes open. Eyes closed. 396 00:15:09,910 --> 00:15:10,875 Lights on. Dimmed. 397 00:15:10,877 --> 00:15:12,443 Don't touch my hair or face. 398 00:15:12,445 --> 00:15:14,679 I'm not gonna touch you. Gross. 399 00:15:14,681 --> 00:15:17,482 Thank you. (sighs) 400 00:15:17,616 --> 00:15:19,417 Let's do this. 401 00:15:20,586 --> 00:15:22,353 Chiclet? 402 00:15:24,924 --> 00:15:28,126 All right. On the count of three. 403 00:15:28,794 --> 00:15:30,395 One. 404 00:15:31,864 --> 00:15:33,364 Two. 405 00:15:37,069 --> 00:15:38,569 Nope! Can't do it! 406 00:15:38,571 --> 00:15:39,437 We have to, emmy. 407 00:15:39,439 --> 00:15:42,473 It's the only way to know if we can still be friends. 408 00:15:42,475 --> 00:15:44,509 I already know! 409 00:15:45,577 --> 00:15:48,913 We're not friends anymore. You ruined it. 410 00:15:48,915 --> 00:15:53,151 Adult adam: I wasn't the only one having the worst night of their life. 411 00:15:53,153 --> 00:15:54,118 Erica's toga party, 412 00:15:54,120 --> 00:15:57,622 Not as awesome as she thought it would be. 413 00:15:58,057 --> 00:15:59,257 Yo. 414 00:15:59,259 --> 00:16:00,792 Me? Oh. 415 00:16:00,794 --> 00:16:01,292 Yo. 416 00:16:01,294 --> 00:16:02,593 What's going on with your toga? 417 00:16:02,595 --> 00:16:05,697 Oh, I accidentally took the fitted sheet. 418 00:16:05,699 --> 00:16:06,464 What's a fitted sheet? 419 00:16:06,466 --> 00:16:09,600 You know, the sheet at the bottom with the elastic around it? 420 00:16:09,602 --> 00:16:10,234 You have two sheets? 421 00:16:10,236 --> 00:16:11,769 What kind of fancy house do you live in? 422 00:16:11,771 --> 00:16:14,205 Hey, kyle. We need you for the keg stands. 423 00:16:14,207 --> 00:16:17,942 And, no, you're not invited, dorky high school girl. 424 00:16:17,944 --> 00:16:18,609 I'm not in high school. 425 00:16:18,611 --> 00:16:22,347 Oh, really? Name one professor at villanova. Go. 426 00:16:22,349 --> 00:16:24,649 Professor togerman. 427 00:16:24,651 --> 00:16:27,685 Yeah. Why don't you take your fitted sheet and run on home? 428 00:16:27,687 --> 00:16:31,456 How does everyone know about these special sheets? 429 00:16:33,058 --> 00:16:34,092 Lainey. 430 00:16:34,094 --> 00:16:34,625 Hey. 431 00:16:34,627 --> 00:16:37,829 Ox just invited me to his room to see his aquarium. 432 00:16:43,268 --> 00:16:45,503 (cans clattering) 433 00:16:45,505 --> 00:16:47,905 Girl: Way to go, high school! 434 00:16:47,907 --> 00:16:51,909 Adult adam: As much as erica hated that my mom was always in her business, 435 00:16:51,911 --> 00:16:53,811 At that moment, she sort of wished 436 00:16:53,813 --> 00:16:56,781 Beverly was there to save her. 437 00:16:56,783 --> 00:16:59,283 That feeling quickly faded. 438 00:16:59,285 --> 00:17:01,486 Mom? What the hell? 439 00:17:01,488 --> 00:17:02,587 No, you what the hell. 440 00:17:02,589 --> 00:17:04,655 Get in the car right now! 441 00:17:04,657 --> 00:17:07,458 Murray, calm down. 442 00:17:07,893 --> 00:17:09,527 Just calm down. 443 00:17:09,962 --> 00:17:12,030 Erica, get in the car! 444 00:17:14,166 --> 00:17:17,368 So, this is what happens when I trust you, huh? 445 00:17:17,370 --> 00:17:20,104 Guess who's disappointed now. 446 00:17:20,106 --> 00:17:22,774 If you were gonna guess me, you'd be right. 447 00:17:22,776 --> 00:17:25,309 And this is the reason why I feel the need 448 00:17:25,311 --> 00:17:28,146 To keep such close watch over everything. 449 00:17:28,148 --> 00:17:29,947 Are you crying? 450 00:17:31,050 --> 00:17:32,383 Murray, take a walk. 451 00:17:32,385 --> 00:17:33,951 But it's about to rain. 452 00:17:33,953 --> 00:17:36,120 Take a walk. 453 00:17:37,022 --> 00:17:38,790 You know who's disappointed? 454 00:17:38,792 --> 00:17:41,526 Me. Disappointed! 455 00:17:44,129 --> 00:17:45,997 So, what happened? It doesn't matter. 456 00:17:45,999 --> 00:17:48,966 All I know is that you were right not to trust me. 457 00:17:48,968 --> 00:17:50,101 But I do trust you. 458 00:17:50,103 --> 00:17:50,968 No, you don't. I don't. 459 00:17:50,970 --> 00:17:54,472 You don't trust me and I keep doing untrustworthy things 460 00:17:54,474 --> 00:17:58,609 Which makes you not trust me, and I'm so tired of it. 461 00:17:58,611 --> 00:18:00,611 When is this gonna be any different? 462 00:18:00,613 --> 00:18:01,979 Probably never. 463 00:18:01,981 --> 00:18:03,514 My mom used to do the same thing to me, 464 00:18:03,516 --> 00:18:07,852 And I swore I'd never do it to you, but here I am doing it. 465 00:18:07,854 --> 00:18:09,520 But look on the bright side. 466 00:18:09,522 --> 00:18:13,224 One day you'll have a daughter of your own not to trust. 467 00:18:13,226 --> 00:18:15,326 (kyrie plays) 468 00:18:15,861 --> 00:18:16,494 Murray, let's go. 469 00:18:16,496 --> 00:18:20,064 Give me a minute! Some guy's gonna show me his aquarium. 470 00:18:20,066 --> 00:18:22,100 Adult adam: While my mom was finally mending 471 00:18:22,102 --> 00:18:22,967 Her relationship with erica, 472 00:18:22,969 --> 00:18:25,670 I was figuring out how to make up with emmy. 473 00:18:25,672 --> 00:18:27,905 I love that you get cold when it's 71 degrees out. 474 00:18:27,907 --> 00:18:31,342 I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. 475 00:18:31,344 --> 00:18:33,478 I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose 476 00:18:33,480 --> 00:18:34,679 When you're looking at me like I'm nuts. 477 00:18:34,681 --> 00:18:40,051 Adult adam: And it was harry who made me realize exactly what I had to do. 478 00:18:40,053 --> 00:18:45,623 ♪ kyrie eleison, down the road that I must travel 479 00:18:45,625 --> 00:18:50,695 ♪ kyrie eleison, through the darkness of the night 480 00:18:50,697 --> 00:18:57,034 ♪ kyrie eleison, where I'm going, will you follow? ♪ 481 00:18:58,437 --> 00:19:00,271 What do you want? 482 00:19:00,273 --> 00:19:02,840 Come here. We need to talk. 483 00:19:02,842 --> 00:19:05,276 Emmy, I've been doing a lot of thinking, 484 00:19:05,278 --> 00:19:09,347 And the thing is, I don't love you. 485 00:19:09,648 --> 00:19:11,149 You mean it? 486 00:19:11,151 --> 00:19:12,016 Look. 487 00:19:12,018 --> 00:19:13,117 Sometimes, you meet a girl 488 00:19:13,119 --> 00:19:15,887 And you just know that she's the one. 489 00:19:15,889 --> 00:19:17,088 When you act like a wuss, 490 00:19:17,090 --> 00:19:18,856 She's the one that punches you hard. 491 00:19:18,858 --> 00:19:21,392 When you find a dead mouse, she's the one 492 00:19:21,394 --> 00:19:23,761 That helps you hide it under barry's pillow. 493 00:19:23,763 --> 00:19:25,329 When you put too much confidence in a fart, 494 00:19:25,331 --> 00:19:27,765 She's the one that helps you bury your underpants 495 00:19:27,767 --> 00:19:29,734 In the woods behind the school. 496 00:19:29,736 --> 00:19:30,535 She's your friend. 497 00:19:30,537 --> 00:19:34,005 And you never, ever want to kiss her. 498 00:19:38,577 --> 00:19:40,878 Want to go get some worms? 499 00:19:43,582 --> 00:19:45,516 Adult adam: After that fateful night, 500 00:19:45,518 --> 00:19:49,287 Things got better for all of us goldbergs. 501 00:19:50,255 --> 00:19:52,423 (snoring) 502 00:19:54,426 --> 00:19:59,764 ♪ kyrie eleison, where I'm going, will you follow? ♪ 503 00:19:59,766 --> 00:20:02,066 Adult adam: There was a little less fighting 504 00:20:02,068 --> 00:20:03,301 And a little more trust. 505 00:20:03,303 --> 00:20:06,170 Why don't you two go study up in barry's room? 506 00:20:06,172 --> 00:20:07,471 There's less foot traffic. 507 00:20:07,473 --> 00:20:10,274 Really? Yeah, I'm not going up there. 508 00:20:11,343 --> 00:20:12,577 And as for me and emmy, 509 00:20:12,579 --> 00:20:15,713 To this day, we're just friends. 510 00:20:15,715 --> 00:20:16,314 Keep up, goose. 511 00:20:16,316 --> 00:20:18,182 I'm not goose! I'm maverick. 512 00:20:18,184 --> 00:20:21,586 (laughs) sure you are, goose. 513 00:20:23,522 --> 00:20:26,290 Boy: Emmy mirsky, best friend of adam. 514 00:20:33,465 --> 00:20:34,532 Aah! 515 00:20:34,534 --> 00:20:36,033 Move over! 516 00:20:36,035 --> 00:20:37,435 You're not gonna show this to anyone, 517 00:20:37,437 --> 00:20:40,338 So I don't really care. How do you know? 518 00:20:40,505 --> 00:20:44,709 Okay. I helped barry make his first music video. 519 00:20:46,578 --> 00:20:49,347 Emmy, you're kind of a girl. Sort of. 520 00:20:49,349 --> 00:20:52,717 You have to honestly tell me what you think. 521 00:20:53,685 --> 00:20:54,218 (rap beat plays) 522 00:20:54,220 --> 00:20:57,121 ♪ hey, girl, you lookin' good up here where the air is 523 00:20:57,123 --> 00:21:00,191 ♪ you 'n' big tasty on a wheel by ferris 524 00:21:00,193 --> 00:21:02,827 ♪ up and up we go, I know you gonna ask it 525 00:21:02,829 --> 00:21:05,730 ♪ how we gettin' down from this sexy floatin' basket? 526 00:21:05,732 --> 00:21:08,432 ♪ stop at the top, is it just our luck? 527 00:21:08,434 --> 00:21:11,802 ♪ or did I tip that carny an extra 14 bucks? 528 00:21:11,804 --> 00:21:14,839 ♪ ferris wheel, ferris, ferris wheel 529 00:21:14,841 --> 00:21:17,141 ♪ hey, oh 530 00:21:17,143 --> 00:21:19,443 ♪ you know how I feel 531 00:21:19,445 --> 00:21:21,445 Whale break. 532 00:21:21,747 --> 00:21:23,648 (whale lowing) 533 00:21:23,650 --> 00:21:24,615 What do you think? 534 00:21:24,617 --> 00:21:27,118 I'm gonna need 40 copies of this. 535 00:21:27,120 --> 00:21:28,719 Yeah, you are!