1
00:00:00,100 --> 00:00:02,534
ADULT ADAM:
Ah, the romantic comedies
of the '80s...
2
00:00:02,536 --> 00:00:05,004
I learned everything I knew
about getting the girl
3
00:00:05,006 --> 00:00:06,939
from classics like
Can't Buy Me Love,
4
00:00:06,941 --> 00:00:09,875
because the romantic scenes
that played out in my house
5
00:00:09,877 --> 00:00:12,378
usually went a little
something like this.
6
00:00:12,545 --> 00:00:14,113
Here.
7
00:00:14,180 --> 00:00:15,881
What's this?
8
00:00:15,883 --> 00:00:17,516
Birthday card.
9
00:00:17,518 --> 00:00:19,885
My birthday
was two weeks ago.
10
00:00:19,887 --> 00:00:22,021
Remember?
We had Mexican food.
11
00:00:22,023 --> 00:00:23,789
You had to race home
in a mad panic.
12
00:00:23,791 --> 00:00:27,326
Well, that photo finish
is why I forgot
to give you a card.
13
00:00:27,328 --> 00:00:29,828
You know what else
you forgot to do?
14
00:00:29,830 --> 00:00:30,596
Clean the garage.
15
00:00:30,598 --> 00:00:33,032
Give me some credit.
I didn't forget.
16
00:00:33,034 --> 00:00:34,933
It's gonna get done.
17
00:00:39,472 --> 00:00:41,707
I'll get my pants.
18
00:00:41,941 --> 00:00:43,208
Happy belated birthday.
19
00:00:43,210 --> 00:00:45,210
I had the kind of parents
who loved each other,
20
00:00:45,212 --> 00:00:48,113
but I literally never once
saw them kiss,
21
00:00:48,115 --> 00:00:52,484
which is why I was what you'd
call romantically challenged.
22
00:00:52,486 --> 00:00:54,653
Her name was
Dana Caldwell.
23
00:00:54,655 --> 00:00:56,622
She biked past my house
every day,
24
00:00:56,624 --> 00:00:58,524
and she was perfect.
25
00:00:58,526 --> 00:01:00,125
(CLEARS THROAT)
26
00:01:00,127 --> 00:01:02,761
I'm gonna give you
the benefit of the doubt here,
27
00:01:02,763 --> 00:01:04,396
but I gotta say,
this looks weird.
28
00:01:04,398 --> 00:01:06,799
It's not weird.
I'm just filming
a girl I like
29
00:01:06,801 --> 00:01:09,802
to play the tape back later
to practice talking to her.
30
00:01:09,804 --> 00:01:11,770
Oh, boy.
It's weird.
31
00:01:11,772 --> 00:01:13,772
You know,
I can help you out.
32
00:01:13,774 --> 00:01:14,540
Pops, I'm 12.
33
00:01:14,542 --> 00:01:17,910
I gotta start handling
this lady stuff on my own.
34
00:01:17,912 --> 00:01:19,745
She's coming back.
35
00:01:21,147 --> 00:01:23,048
(GASPS)
Get down! Get down!
36
00:01:23,050 --> 00:01:25,317
While I was crawling away
from the girl I loved,
37
00:01:25,319 --> 00:01:29,088
my father was trying to
get the girl he loved
off his back
38
00:01:29,090 --> 00:01:30,189
by cleaning the garage.
39
00:01:30,191 --> 00:01:32,724
All right,
anything under $10...toss.
40
00:01:32,726 --> 00:01:35,961
All that crappy art
from when you were
kids...toss.
41
00:01:35,963 --> 00:01:40,132
No way!
It's my old keyboard!
42
00:01:40,134 --> 00:01:41,166
This thing is awesome!
43
00:01:41,168 --> 00:01:43,168
(BARRY'S VOICE RAISING PITCH)
Awesome, awesome, awesome.
44
00:01:43,170 --> 00:01:44,369
I thought you said
someone stole it.
45
00:01:44,371 --> 00:01:47,840
Yeah, well, the robber...
she was supposed
to throw it away.
46
00:01:47,842 --> 00:01:50,742
Awesome, a-awesome,
a-awesome, a-awesome.
47
00:01:50,744 --> 00:01:51,677
It's going in the garbage.
48
00:01:51,679 --> 00:01:54,313
No. This is mine,
and I love it, okay?
49
00:01:54,315 --> 00:01:56,148
Holy crap!
Check this out.
50
00:01:56,150 --> 00:01:59,384
I found a box of
Dad's old love poems
to Mom.
51
00:01:59,386 --> 00:02:00,819
Don't touch that!
Don't touch that!
52
00:02:00,821 --> 00:02:02,688
Come on.
It's none of your business.
Ready? "Tears stain
53
00:02:02,690 --> 00:02:04,456
"the pillows
of my heart"
Come on. Come on.
54
00:02:04,458 --> 00:02:06,859
No, no, come on!
"Your perfume lingers
on my mind
55
00:02:06,861 --> 00:02:09,027
"Return to me, my love"
Come on, come on!
56
00:02:09,029 --> 00:02:10,028
God, you're terrible.
57
00:02:10,030 --> 00:02:12,164
Okay, stop it.
Give me that box.
58
00:02:12,166 --> 00:02:12,698
Give...
59
00:02:12,700 --> 00:02:16,902
Whoa! "Our bodies are one
under the starry sky
60
00:02:16,904 --> 00:02:20,205
"There is no me,
only us...
61
00:02:20,473 --> 00:02:21,507
"My sweet Anita"?
62
00:02:21,509 --> 00:02:25,043
What?
It says here you were
gonna have a wedding?
63
00:02:25,045 --> 00:02:26,311
Anita? Who's Anita?
64
00:02:26,313 --> 00:02:30,516
Oh. I see
what's going on here.
65
00:02:30,518 --> 00:02:32,084
You have a secret family.
66
00:02:32,086 --> 00:02:32,985
If I had a secret family,
67
00:02:32,987 --> 00:02:35,654
why would I be standing here
talking to you people?
68
00:02:35,656 --> 00:02:37,890
Give me that box!
Here!
69
00:02:37,892 --> 00:02:39,992
Come on!
Got it!
70
00:02:40,059 --> 00:02:41,660
All right!
I'll tell you the story.
71
00:02:41,662 --> 00:02:44,530
Before your mother, I was
engaged to another woman.
72
00:02:44,532 --> 00:02:47,466
You're so hosed.
(VOICE PITCH RAISES)
Hosed, hosed.
73
00:02:47,468 --> 00:02:49,635
I am not hos...
Turn that off!
74
00:02:49,637 --> 00:02:51,236
I am not hosed.
75
00:02:51,238 --> 00:02:52,471
Nobody's getting hosed.
76
00:02:52,473 --> 00:02:54,773
Your mom knows
about the engagement.
77
00:02:54,775 --> 00:02:57,643
Oh, and she knows
all about the love letters?
78
00:02:58,044 --> 00:02:59,344
Of course she knows!
79
00:02:59,346 --> 00:03:02,047
(GARAGE DOOR WHIRRING)
She knows.
80
00:03:02,049 --> 00:03:04,716
Come on, kids,
give me the box!
81
00:03:04,718 --> 00:03:07,252
I wish I had
a secret family!
82
00:03:07,254 --> 00:03:09,288
I'm so hosed.
83
00:03:10,190 --> 00:03:11,557
♪ I'm twisted up inside
84
00:03:11,559 --> 00:03:16,161
♪ But nonetheless
I feel the need to say
85
00:03:17,797 --> 00:03:18,730
♪ I don't know the future
86
00:03:18,732 --> 00:03:23,101
♪ But the past keeps getting
clearer every day ♪
87
00:03:23,103 --> 00:03:25,103
ADULT ADAM: October 4th,
1980-something...
88
00:03:25,105 --> 00:03:28,140
The day my dad's
old love letters went public.
89
00:03:28,142 --> 00:03:29,374
Bevy,
before you say anything,
90
00:03:29,376 --> 00:03:34,012
just know that I thought
I threw this box out
years ago
91
00:03:34,014 --> 00:03:36,248
when Anita sent it
back to me,
92
00:03:36,250 --> 00:03:38,550
and it...it means nothing.
93
00:03:38,851 --> 00:03:41,620
My father had crossed
a line.
94
00:03:41,622 --> 00:03:42,854
(LAUGHING) I can't.
95
00:03:42,856 --> 00:03:44,389
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
96
00:03:44,391 --> 00:03:47,459
I thought I could keep
a straight face,
but I can't.
97
00:03:47,461 --> 00:03:48,327
So you're not mad at me?
98
00:03:48,329 --> 00:03:51,630
No, I'm worried.
How are your loins?
99
00:03:51,632 --> 00:03:52,864
Have they stopped burning?
(GROANS)
100
00:03:52,866 --> 00:03:55,934
Is your heart
still aflutter?
Yeah.
101
00:03:55,936 --> 00:03:57,836
Adorable.
Yeah.
102
00:03:57,838 --> 00:03:58,770
(LAUGHS) Oh, no, no, no.
103
00:03:58,772 --> 00:04:01,373
So you're not even
a little bit jealous?
104
00:04:01,375 --> 00:04:03,408
Please. I won.
105
00:04:03,410 --> 00:04:05,143
I bagged my moose.
106
00:04:05,145 --> 00:04:07,846
You see?
She doesn't give a crap.
107
00:04:07,848 --> 00:04:10,215
That's what
a strong marriage is...
108
00:04:10,217 --> 00:04:12,951
Mutual not-giving-a-crap.
109
00:04:12,953 --> 00:04:14,453
See? Not hosed.
110
00:04:14,455 --> 00:04:15,287
Okay.
111
00:04:15,289 --> 00:04:17,422
We've had a good laugh.
Time to chuck 'em.
112
00:04:17,424 --> 00:04:20,092
Chuck 'em? (SNICKERS)
I can't even put 'em down.
113
00:04:20,094 --> 00:04:23,328
I mean, Dad used to be
pretty romantic.
114
00:04:23,330 --> 00:04:27,132
Oh, he's still
plenty romantic with me.
115
00:04:27,134 --> 00:04:28,500
(CHUCKLES)
Yuck.
116
00:04:28,502 --> 00:04:29,868
And how is Dad romantic?
117
00:04:29,870 --> 00:04:32,471
For the last two years,
he forgot your anniversary.
118
00:04:32,473 --> 00:04:35,507
In his defense,
I didn't remind him enough.
119
00:04:35,509 --> 00:04:38,110
But he writes romantic stuff
to me all the time.
120
00:04:38,112 --> 00:04:42,247
(CHUCKLES)
Look. Here's my
birthday card.
121
00:04:44,717 --> 00:04:47,185
"X.O.X.O. Murray."
122
00:04:47,187 --> 00:04:49,921
Well, the X's
are for kisses,
123
00:04:49,923 --> 00:04:52,758
and the O's for hugs.
124
00:04:53,526 --> 00:04:55,594
And "Murray"...
125
00:04:55,862 --> 00:04:57,729
Is who it's from.
126
00:04:57,731 --> 00:04:58,764
Doesn't matter
what he writes.
127
00:04:58,766 --> 00:05:01,300
We are more in love
than ever.
128
00:05:01,302 --> 00:05:03,735
Don't you at least wanna see
what she looks like?
129
00:05:03,737 --> 00:05:07,439
I've gone 20 years
without needing to know
what she looks like.
130
00:05:07,441 --> 00:05:10,108
I'm not gonna start now.
131
00:05:10,410 --> 00:05:14,279
(STAMMERS)
Oh, plus where would
you even get a picture,
132
00:05:14,281 --> 00:05:15,947
you know, if someone
wanted to see a picture?
133
00:05:15,949 --> 00:05:17,482
Where would you find it?
I don't know.
Well...
134
00:05:17,484 --> 00:05:20,385
They'd probably have
an engagement announcement
in the paper.
135
00:05:20,387 --> 00:05:22,120
I mean, if you really
wanted to look,
136
00:05:22,122 --> 00:05:25,991
you could probably just
go to the library
and dig it up.
137
00:05:25,993 --> 00:05:27,592
I don't need to see it.
138
00:05:27,594 --> 00:05:28,026
Fine.
139
00:05:28,028 --> 00:05:29,895
But if you would
feel better seeing it,
140
00:05:29,897 --> 00:05:32,497
fine, we'll go
to the library. Jeez.
141
00:05:32,499 --> 00:05:34,299
While my mom
was feeling insecure,
142
00:05:34,301 --> 00:05:36,501
I was feeling damn good.
I had a plan.
143
00:05:36,503 --> 00:05:39,071
Dana Caldwell would see me
cooly tinkering with my bike
144
00:05:39,073 --> 00:05:42,741
and ask me to go for a ride,
and then we would
get married!
145
00:05:42,743 --> 00:05:44,543
(BRAKES SQUEAL)
146
00:05:44,545 --> 00:05:45,844
Hey.
Hey.
147
00:05:45,846 --> 00:05:49,614
It was now or never.
Time for my A game.
148
00:05:49,616 --> 00:05:51,750
Bicycles, right?
149
00:05:51,752 --> 00:05:53,018
Bicycles.
150
00:05:53,020 --> 00:05:53,852
Nope.
151
00:05:53,854 --> 00:05:55,921
Do you know how
to fix them?
152
00:05:56,389 --> 00:05:57,089
Well...
153
00:05:57,091 --> 00:05:58,790
My bike chain's
all messed up.
154
00:05:58,792 --> 00:06:01,193
Maybe you could
take a look?
155
00:06:01,361 --> 00:06:04,996
Yeah, I can... I can
take a quick look-see.
156
00:06:04,998 --> 00:06:06,498
(CHUCKLES)
157
00:06:06,500 --> 00:06:08,533
Chain. Chain.
158
00:06:09,102 --> 00:06:10,836
(CLANK)
159
00:06:11,704 --> 00:06:12,204
Ugh.
160
00:06:12,206 --> 00:06:14,840
Wait. Is this one
of those soviet bikes?
161
00:06:14,842 --> 00:06:17,609
'Cause I only deal
with American equipment.
162
00:06:17,611 --> 00:06:18,410
Huh?
USA!
163
00:06:18,412 --> 00:06:21,313
Maybe I'll just have
my dad fix it.
(CHUCKLES)
164
00:06:21,315 --> 00:06:23,548
Makes sense.
Keep it in the family.
165
00:06:24,350 --> 00:06:26,418
(CLANK)
(GROANS LOUDLY)
166
00:06:27,420 --> 00:06:29,254
Aah!
Are you okay?
167
00:06:29,256 --> 00:06:31,723
Mmm-hmm.
Are you crying?
168
00:06:31,725 --> 00:06:33,091
No. (EXHALES)
169
00:06:33,093 --> 00:06:35,394
Good talking.
(WHIMPERING)
170
00:06:36,596 --> 00:06:37,996
My plan was a complete bust.
171
00:06:37,998 --> 00:06:42,200
I only had one option left...
Call in the big guns.
172
00:06:42,202 --> 00:06:46,538
So what happened to "I'm 12.
I gotta go it alone"?
173
00:06:46,540 --> 00:06:47,506
That didn't work out
so great.
174
00:06:47,508 --> 00:06:53,545
Well, you're safe now.
Love's my business,
and business is booming.
175
00:06:53,547 --> 00:06:55,313
So what do we got?
176
00:06:55,715 --> 00:06:57,282
Okay. Her name's Dana.
177
00:06:57,284 --> 00:07:00,218
She's 13,
lives down the block.
178
00:07:00,220 --> 00:07:01,887
She smells like
fruity pebbles.
179
00:07:01,889 --> 00:07:03,555
Pfft.
180
00:07:03,557 --> 00:07:04,823
Why are you
asking Pops for help
181
00:07:04,825 --> 00:07:07,192
when you got
all the resources
you need right here?
182
00:07:07,194 --> 00:07:08,460
You don't know anything
about girls.
183
00:07:08,462 --> 00:07:11,930
I know a ton. I've got
a super hot girlfriend.
184
00:07:11,932 --> 00:07:14,166
Yeah, from Canada
that no one's ever seen.
185
00:07:14,168 --> 00:07:16,902
'Cause I met her at camp,
ya sausage gobbler.
186
00:07:16,904 --> 00:07:20,038
You couldn't come up
with something
a little more original?
187
00:07:20,040 --> 00:07:22,941
I mean, a fake girlfriend...
In Canada?
188
00:07:22,943 --> 00:07:26,178
Hey! There's nothing fake
about her except her boobs!
189
00:07:26,180 --> 00:07:30,782
Yep, they're huge and real...
But they're also fake.
190
00:07:30,784 --> 00:07:33,084
You know what?
I don't have to
explain it to you.
191
00:07:33,086 --> 00:07:34,820
I'm outta here.
192
00:07:36,088 --> 00:07:38,924
Her breasts sound
very complicated.
193
00:07:38,926 --> 00:07:41,326
So where are we at
with this Dana girl?
194
00:07:41,328 --> 00:07:44,596
Well, I've been secretly
following her around
for two weeks.
195
00:07:44,598 --> 00:07:46,331
Creating a sense
of mystery.
196
00:07:46,333 --> 00:07:47,933
And today I broke
her bicycle.
197
00:07:47,935 --> 00:07:51,503
Good. You made a memorable
first impression.
198
00:07:51,505 --> 00:07:52,771
And I kinda cried
in front of her.
199
00:07:52,773 --> 00:07:55,440
Some women like
a sensitive man.
200
00:07:55,442 --> 00:07:58,376
You think?
You can't help him, Pops.
201
00:07:58,378 --> 00:07:59,644
He's un-help-able.
202
00:07:59,646 --> 00:08:02,214
He'll never get a girlfriend
even half as hot as mine.
203
00:08:02,216 --> 00:08:05,383
Oh, yeah? What's her name?
Tell me right now. Go.
204
00:08:05,385 --> 00:08:06,952
Marion Lemieux.
205
00:08:06,954 --> 00:08:07,819
Marion Lemieux?
206
00:08:07,821 --> 00:08:09,688
Like Mario Lemieux,
the hockey player?
207
00:08:09,690 --> 00:08:12,724
Yeah! It's a common last name
in Canada,
208
00:08:12,726 --> 00:08:13,625
like "Smith" or "Jones."
209
00:08:13,627 --> 00:08:16,795
I was trying to
be nice to you,
but forget it.
210
00:08:16,797 --> 00:08:18,864
I'm outta here.
211
00:08:19,866 --> 00:08:20,365
Okay.
212
00:08:20,367 --> 00:08:22,901
Your next move with Dana
is important.
213
00:08:22,903 --> 00:08:24,236
You gotta go for it.
214
00:08:24,238 --> 00:08:25,504
Make a big gesture...
215
00:08:25,506 --> 00:08:29,441
Something that'll show her
exactly how you feel.
216
00:08:29,443 --> 00:08:31,977
Pfft. Waste of time.
217
00:08:31,979 --> 00:08:32,577
Here we go.
218
00:08:32,579 --> 00:08:34,880
This nerd has no clue
with the ladies.
219
00:08:34,882 --> 00:08:36,715
Yeah? Let's call Marion
right now.
220
00:08:36,717 --> 00:08:38,783
Think I won't?
'Cause I will.
221
00:08:38,785 --> 00:08:40,318
That's what
I'm asking you to do.
222
00:08:40,320 --> 00:08:43,288
I don't need this!
I'm outta here.
223
00:08:57,937 --> 00:09:00,438
Meanwhile, my Mom
and Erica were using
224
00:09:00,440 --> 00:09:01,706
the most cutting edge
technology
225
00:09:01,708 --> 00:09:03,642
to track down
a photo of Anita.
226
00:09:03,644 --> 00:09:07,579
Mom.
It was called microfiche.
227
00:09:08,014 --> 00:09:09,347
Move.
228
00:09:09,349 --> 00:09:10,849
(GASPS) Oh, my God.
229
00:09:10,851 --> 00:09:14,719
It's amazing.
It only took us
two hours to find it.
230
00:09:14,721 --> 00:09:16,388
Hey, not bad, Dad.
231
00:09:16,390 --> 00:09:17,822
Okay, Erica, you saw her.
232
00:09:17,824 --> 00:09:20,425
Now you can move on
with your life.
233
00:09:21,260 --> 00:09:22,327
Hmm.
234
00:09:22,329 --> 00:09:24,162
Wait a minute.
235
00:09:24,664 --> 00:09:25,730
How do you...
236
00:09:25,732 --> 00:09:26,865
(RATTLING)
What?
237
00:09:26,867 --> 00:09:28,667
Make it bigger?
Well, okay, just...
238
00:09:28,669 --> 00:09:29,801
Make the picture bigger.
Okay, here.
239
00:09:29,803 --> 00:09:32,704
Where's the knob to make it
a bigger picture? It's just...
(PEOPLE SHUSHING)
240
00:09:32,706 --> 00:09:35,240
Mom, God!
That's as big as it goes.
Okay, okay.
241
00:09:35,242 --> 00:09:37,409
What is it?
Shh!
242
00:09:40,212 --> 00:09:40,679
Oh, no.
243
00:09:40,681 --> 00:09:45,016
As always,
my mom took the bad news
with grace and dignity.
244
00:09:45,018 --> 00:09:47,986
(BLEEPS) My ring.
Shh!
245
00:09:52,625 --> 00:09:54,125
Bevy!
246
00:09:55,227 --> 00:09:58,096
What a day! What a day!
247
00:09:58,098 --> 00:09:59,130
(SHOES CLATTER)
248
00:09:59,132 --> 00:10:00,565
Sold six couches!
249
00:10:00,567 --> 00:10:02,667
Your man is on fire.
250
00:10:02,669 --> 00:10:07,639
By sheer chance,
my dad was in a rare
good mood that night.
251
00:10:07,641 --> 00:10:09,874
Unfortunately,
my mom was not.
252
00:10:09,876 --> 00:10:11,242
What's happening?
253
00:10:11,244 --> 00:10:12,877
Nothing.
254
00:10:14,680 --> 00:10:15,213
Take a load off.
255
00:10:15,215 --> 00:10:18,850
Well, I usually
take a load off right there.
256
00:10:18,918 --> 00:10:21,453
But I'll put my load
right here.
257
00:10:22,388 --> 00:10:23,455
What do you...
258
00:10:23,457 --> 00:10:26,825
Is there anything you wanna
tell me about this ring?
259
00:10:27,627 --> 00:10:29,461
It's a symbol of our love?
260
00:10:29,463 --> 00:10:31,529
Yes, that's very true.
261
00:10:31,531 --> 00:10:33,798
But, uh, tell me about that.
262
00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:38,436
What made you pick
this exact ring for me?
263
00:10:38,904 --> 00:10:42,073
When I saw it,
it spoke to me.
264
00:10:42,075 --> 00:10:44,175
Aw. What did it say?
265
00:10:44,177 --> 00:10:48,113
"I'm a pretty ring.
Buy me."
266
00:10:48,814 --> 00:10:50,148
"Buy me" for who?
267
00:10:50,150 --> 00:10:51,416
Oh, boy. (SIGHS)
268
00:10:51,418 --> 00:10:53,018
How could you give me
her ring?
269
00:10:53,020 --> 00:10:55,220
What do you think
I'm made of, diamonds?
270
00:10:55,222 --> 00:10:57,956
I... (HUFFS)
You can't just return these!
271
00:10:57,958 --> 00:11:02,260
Okay, well,
I have no problem
returning this one.
272
00:11:02,262 --> 00:11:03,862
Wait. Bevy!
273
00:11:03,864 --> 00:11:06,464
Let's talk about this.
Listen.
274
00:11:06,466 --> 00:11:08,867
If it'll make you feel
any better,
275
00:11:08,869 --> 00:11:11,369
I will get you a new ring.
276
00:11:11,371 --> 00:11:13,972
Great. Get me a new ring.
277
00:11:13,974 --> 00:11:15,740
What? You can't say that.
278
00:11:15,742 --> 00:11:17,442
Why would I get you
a new ring?
279
00:11:17,444 --> 00:11:18,376
It was your idea!
280
00:11:18,378 --> 00:11:20,645
Yeah, but I'm filled
with terrible ideas!
281
00:11:20,647 --> 00:11:23,415
I gave you a used ring,
for God sake.
282
00:11:23,417 --> 00:11:26,151
Wow, Murray,
you are so romantic!
283
00:11:26,153 --> 00:11:28,620
Fine! I'll get you
a new ring!
284
00:11:28,622 --> 00:11:29,521
Fine!
285
00:11:29,523 --> 00:11:31,256
Fine!
Fine!
286
00:11:31,258 --> 00:11:31,823
Fine!
287
00:11:31,825 --> 00:11:34,192
While my parents were calmly
working out their problems,
288
00:11:34,194 --> 00:11:38,596
I'd finally come up
with a solution
to my problems with Dana.
289
00:11:38,598 --> 00:11:40,231
(IN YOUR EYES PLAYING)
(EXHALES)
290
00:11:40,233 --> 00:11:41,199
Let's do this,
Lloyd. (KISSES)
291
00:11:41,201 --> 00:11:45,203
I'd use my favorite romantic
movie, Say Anything,
292
00:11:45,205 --> 00:11:47,138
to win Dana's heart.
293
00:11:49,642 --> 00:11:52,711
(IN YOUR EYES PLAYING
ON BOOMBOX)
294
00:11:55,781 --> 00:11:57,849
♪ Love
295
00:12:00,586 --> 00:12:03,054
♪ I get so lost
296
00:12:03,155 --> 00:12:04,189
♪ Sometimes
What are you doing?
297
00:12:04,191 --> 00:12:08,226
Oh, crap!
I thought this was
your sister's room.
298
00:12:08,228 --> 00:12:09,360
Well, it's not.
299
00:12:09,362 --> 00:12:11,062
Can you tell Dana
I'm here?
300
00:12:11,064 --> 00:12:14,966
Mmm, no. This is kind of
a creepy thing to do, bro.
301
00:12:14,968 --> 00:12:15,900
(WINDOW OPENS)
302
00:12:15,902 --> 00:12:17,235
What the hell's going on
out here?
303
00:12:17,237 --> 00:12:19,204
Nothing, sir.
Go back to bed.
304
00:12:19,206 --> 00:12:20,705
Some weird kid's here
for Dana.
305
00:12:20,707 --> 00:12:22,340
(WINDOW OPENS)
♪ I am complete
306
00:12:22,342 --> 00:12:24,109
Adam? What are you doing?
307
00:12:24,111 --> 00:12:27,178
Adam? This is the kid
who broke your bike?
308
00:12:27,180 --> 00:12:28,813
Yeah.
Not cool, man.
309
00:12:28,815 --> 00:12:30,982
♪ The resolution
You have a lovely home.
310
00:12:30,984 --> 00:12:34,319
(SPRINKLERS HISSING)
♪ In your eyes
311
00:12:36,122 --> 00:12:38,389
(MUSIC STOPS)
Pleasure meeting you!
312
00:12:38,391 --> 00:12:39,958
POPS:
Calm down, kiddo.
313
00:12:39,960 --> 00:12:42,093
We can fix this.
We can't!
314
00:12:42,095 --> 00:12:44,963
I serenaded her brother,
I dropped my boombox,
315
00:12:44,965 --> 00:12:47,132
and I soaked
my Lloyd Dobler coat.
316
00:12:47,134 --> 00:12:50,235
I understood none of that.
Did you take my advice?
317
00:12:50,237 --> 00:12:51,436
Yes. A big gesture.
318
00:12:51,438 --> 00:12:54,672
I stood outside her window
and blasted music at her.
319
00:12:54,674 --> 00:12:55,974
Why would you do that?
320
00:12:55,976 --> 00:12:56,508
You told me to!
321
00:12:56,510 --> 00:12:59,410
I meant take her out
for a milkshake.
322
00:12:59,412 --> 00:13:01,546
How is a milkshake
a big gesture?
323
00:13:01,548 --> 00:13:02,313
For you, it's big.
324
00:13:02,315 --> 00:13:04,048
You should have been
more specific!
325
00:13:04,050 --> 00:13:07,285
Wait. Don't go, kiddo.
We can just regroup.
326
00:13:07,287 --> 00:13:08,319
Forget it.
327
00:13:08,321 --> 00:13:10,889
The movies lie.
None of it's real!
328
00:13:10,891 --> 00:13:12,056
Love isn't real.
329
00:13:12,058 --> 00:13:13,758
(MOUTH FULL) Tell that
to my girlfriend.
330
00:13:13,760 --> 00:13:16,294
She's not real!
She's not real!
331
00:13:17,329 --> 00:13:19,264
(BELL DINGS)
332
00:13:21,033 --> 00:13:24,202
All right,
let's get this over with.
333
00:13:24,204 --> 00:13:25,103
One ring, please.
334
00:13:25,105 --> 00:13:28,139
Of course.
Do you have anything
in particular in mind?
335
00:13:28,141 --> 00:13:32,577
Don't look at me.
Just pick something
that speaks to you.
336
00:13:32,579 --> 00:13:33,144
Okay.
337
00:13:33,146 --> 00:13:36,514
All right, uh, this one's
talking up a storm.
How much is it?
338
00:13:36,516 --> 00:13:38,683
That one is $5,000.
339
00:13:38,685 --> 00:13:39,517
Is that the one
I pointed to?
340
00:13:39,519 --> 00:13:40,852
You pointed at that one,
yeah.
341
00:13:40,854 --> 00:13:42,120
It just stopped
speaking to me.
342
00:13:42,122 --> 00:13:43,188
Stopped completely.
Oh, really?
343
00:13:43,190 --> 00:13:44,856
Yeah.
Is that because
I'm not worth the money?
344
00:13:44,858 --> 00:13:46,891
No, no, no, no, no.
Don't do that, Bev.
345
00:13:46,893 --> 00:13:47,892
Don't... Don't do that.
Really?
346
00:13:47,894 --> 00:13:49,360
How much am I worth
to you?
347
00:13:49,362 --> 00:13:51,863
I cannot put a price
on love.
348
00:13:51,865 --> 00:13:55,600
I can. Uh, how much
is this ring worth?
349
00:13:55,602 --> 00:13:58,036
Oh. Very nice.
350
00:13:58,170 --> 00:14:00,638
Yes, excellent cut.
Beautiful clarity.
351
00:14:00,640 --> 00:14:01,739
You must really love
this lady.
352
00:14:01,741 --> 00:14:05,109
It used to belong
to his ex-fiance, Anita.
353
00:14:05,111 --> 00:14:05,777
Oh, add that story.
354
00:14:05,779 --> 00:14:07,378
And he re-gifted it
to me.
All right, do that.
355
00:14:07,380 --> 00:14:08,546
Ugh.
Yeah, and he used to
write her
356
00:14:08,548 --> 00:14:11,249
lots of love letters
and poems.
Oh, yeah, tell him, yeah.
357
00:14:11,251 --> 00:14:13,885
How many do you think
he's written to me?
358
00:14:14,453 --> 00:14:18,356
Um... I'm gonna guess
it's a low number.
359
00:14:18,358 --> 00:14:20,325
Zero.
That's very low.
360
00:14:20,327 --> 00:14:21,593
Yeah.
Okay. That's because
361
00:14:21,595 --> 00:14:26,097
Anita needed love letters
and all that crap
all day long.
362
00:14:26,099 --> 00:14:26,931
It's why we broke up.
363
00:14:26,933 --> 00:14:29,067
That's all I was doing,
was writing letters.
364
00:14:29,069 --> 00:14:30,535
I didn't get to
watch any TV.
365
00:14:30,537 --> 00:14:31,636
Oh, listen to this guy.
366
00:14:31,638 --> 00:14:33,538
He thinks I don't need
love letters.
367
00:14:33,540 --> 00:14:34,772
That's why I chose you.
368
00:14:34,774 --> 00:14:37,141
You don't need any
of that romantic junk.
369
00:14:37,143 --> 00:14:38,943
Oh, that's right.
Just give ol' Bev
370
00:14:38,945 --> 00:14:42,113
a Hallmark Card
and a used ring.
371
00:14:42,115 --> 00:14:43,615
All right,
you know what?
372
00:14:43,617 --> 00:14:45,884
We're gonna get you
the $5,000 ring,
373
00:14:45,886 --> 00:14:47,285
and you can be the one
who tells Adam
374
00:14:47,287 --> 00:14:49,854
that his teeth
are gonna be crooked
for the rest of his life.
375
00:14:49,856 --> 00:14:52,624
Great. That's exactly
what I want, a spite ring.
376
00:14:52,626 --> 00:14:54,225
Great, because that's
what you're getting.
377
00:14:54,227 --> 00:14:57,028
Oh.
Okay, my friend,
we are buying the ring.
378
00:14:57,030 --> 00:14:59,464
I'd like you
to ring it up,
379
00:14:59,466 --> 00:15:01,766
because we are
buying it!
380
00:15:01,901 --> 00:15:03,167
All right.
381
00:15:03,169 --> 00:15:05,303
(MOUTHING WORDS)
382
00:15:05,305 --> 00:15:07,839
(MOUTHS WORD) Um...
383
00:15:07,841 --> 00:15:09,674
(MOUTHING WORDS)
384
00:15:09,676 --> 00:15:10,608
I don't know
what to do here.
385
00:15:10,610 --> 00:15:13,144
You heard the man.
Ring it up.
(MOUTHS WORDS)
386
00:15:13,146 --> 00:15:14,746
All right,
but just so you know,
387
00:15:14,748 --> 00:15:18,349
we have a strict
no return policy.
388
00:15:18,351 --> 00:15:20,385
Ring it up.
389
00:15:20,387 --> 00:15:22,620
(MOUTHING WORDS)
390
00:15:23,122 --> 00:15:24,122
(CLICKS)
391
00:15:24,124 --> 00:15:26,090
(BEVERLY CHUCKLES)
392
00:15:32,631 --> 00:15:35,967
In most houses,
a dinner this quiet
was normal,
393
00:15:35,969 --> 00:15:38,169
but in our house,
no yelling
394
00:15:38,171 --> 00:15:42,106
meant something very bad
was going down.
395
00:15:42,108 --> 00:15:44,509
(LOWERED VOICE)
What's happening?
396
00:15:46,412 --> 00:15:47,745
(LOWERED VOICE)
Dad bought Mom
a spite ring,
397
00:15:47,747 --> 00:15:51,516
and now she's wearing
the spite ring
to spite him.
398
00:15:52,718 --> 00:15:55,520
Lot of love problems
around here.
399
00:15:55,522 --> 00:15:56,988
Not Barry.
400
00:15:56,990 --> 00:15:59,390
I keep my lady satisfied.
401
00:15:59,959 --> 00:16:00,925
Dude...
402
00:16:00,927 --> 00:16:01,993
I was at camp with you.
403
00:16:01,995 --> 00:16:04,228
There's no girl
named Marion Lemieux.
404
00:16:04,230 --> 00:16:07,065
She was in the large-chested
foxy girl bunk,
405
00:16:07,067 --> 00:16:08,900
and you were in
the annoying sister bunk,
406
00:16:08,902 --> 00:16:11,536
so you probably never
crossed paths.
407
00:16:11,538 --> 00:16:12,704
Really?
'Cause I thought you were
408
00:16:12,706 --> 00:16:15,239
in the large-chested
girl bunk.
409
00:16:15,241 --> 00:16:17,642
(CHOMPING) Original.
410
00:16:17,644 --> 00:16:20,945
Adam! Dinner's almost over!
411
00:16:20,947 --> 00:16:23,948
Come on! Get out of
the stupid tree!
412
00:16:23,950 --> 00:16:26,818
ADAM: I'm not hungry!
Go away.
413
00:16:26,885 --> 00:16:28,186
(SIGHS)
414
00:16:28,188 --> 00:16:29,687
(CREAKS)
415
00:16:30,889 --> 00:16:32,557
(EXHALES DEEPLY)
416
00:16:32,559 --> 00:16:33,624
What's going on?
417
00:16:33,626 --> 00:16:35,426
I just wanna be alone,
okay?
418
00:16:35,428 --> 00:16:37,128
Like how I'll be
for the rest of my life.
419
00:16:37,130 --> 00:16:40,431
What are you talking about?
You're 10 years old.
420
00:16:40,433 --> 00:16:42,266
I'm 12. And...
421
00:16:42,268 --> 00:16:44,235
I really screwed things up
with a girl.
422
00:16:44,237 --> 00:16:46,404
Yeah? Tell me about it.
423
00:16:46,406 --> 00:16:47,739
Well, her name's Dana...
424
00:16:47,741 --> 00:16:49,240
No, I didn't mean
"tell me about it"
425
00:16:49,242 --> 00:16:53,344
"tell me about it."
I meant, I screwed up
with a girl, too.
426
00:16:53,346 --> 00:16:55,313
Oh! My gosh.
427
00:16:55,315 --> 00:16:57,248
So is the girl Mom?
428
00:16:57,316 --> 00:16:58,549
Yes, it's Mom!
429
00:16:58,551 --> 00:17:00,952
Your mother seems to think
that I don't show her
430
00:17:00,954 --> 00:17:02,687
that I care about her
enough.
431
00:17:02,689 --> 00:17:04,155
I show her all the time,
432
00:17:04,157 --> 00:17:07,859
just not in big ways,
but in little ways...
433
00:17:07,861 --> 00:17:09,961
You know, ways that
she doesn't notice,
434
00:17:09,963 --> 00:17:11,929
not like a box
of love letters.
435
00:17:11,931 --> 00:17:15,333
There's no record
of the stuff that I do.
436
00:17:15,501 --> 00:17:17,668
You know, maybe there is.
437
00:17:17,670 --> 00:17:18,903
There isn't.
What if there were?
438
00:17:18,905 --> 00:17:22,473
There's not.
Dad, I'm saying
I have an idea.
439
00:17:23,575 --> 00:17:25,710
My dad may not
have been able to say
440
00:17:25,712 --> 00:17:26,644
how he felt about my mom,
441
00:17:26,646 --> 00:17:31,349
but luckily,
I recorded a bunch
of ways that showed it.
442
00:17:32,284 --> 00:17:33,551
(CLICKS AND WHIRS)
443
00:17:33,553 --> 00:17:35,853
(IN YOUR EYES PLAYING)
444
00:17:44,396 --> 00:17:45,997
♪ Love
445
00:17:48,667 --> 00:17:50,868
♪ I get so lost
446
00:17:51,470 --> 00:17:54,272
♪ Sometimes
447
00:17:54,940 --> 00:17:57,975
♪ Days pass
448
00:17:59,511 --> 00:18:02,046
♪ And this emptiness
449
00:18:02,048 --> 00:18:04,849
♪ Fills my heart
450
00:18:05,918 --> 00:18:10,621
♪ When I want to run away
451
00:18:10,623 --> 00:18:15,927
♪ I drive off in my car
452
00:18:16,929 --> 00:18:20,531
♪ But whichever way I go
453
00:18:20,533 --> 00:18:24,669
♪ I come back
to the place you are ♪
454
00:18:24,671 --> 00:18:27,939
ADULT ADAM:
Turns out the most
romantic movie of the '80s
455
00:18:27,941 --> 00:18:30,108
was the one that I made
with my dad.
456
00:18:30,110 --> 00:18:33,778
I hate my new ring.
I'm gonna take it
back tomorrow.
457
00:18:33,780 --> 00:18:36,614
But the man said
no returns.
458
00:18:36,616 --> 00:18:39,784
Eh. I'll guilt him
into it.
459
00:18:39,786 --> 00:18:41,519
It's what I do.
460
00:18:41,521 --> 00:18:43,121
♪ Without my pride
461
00:18:43,123 --> 00:18:47,058
ADULT ADAM:
It was the first time
we ever saw them kiss,
462
00:18:47,060 --> 00:18:48,626
and it was gross.
463
00:18:48,628 --> 00:18:49,927
But I started to believe
in love again.
464
00:18:49,929 --> 00:18:53,698
I mean, it was complicated
as hell, but it was real.
465
00:18:53,700 --> 00:18:57,568
Maybe those romantic movies
weren't so far off after all.
466
00:18:57,570 --> 00:18:59,537
♪ I see the doorway
♪ In your eyes
467
00:18:59,539 --> 00:19:02,473
♪ To a thousand churches
♪ In your eyes
468
00:19:02,475 --> 00:19:04,775
♪ The resolution
♪ In your eyes
469
00:19:04,777 --> 00:19:08,980
♪ Of all
the fruitless searches
♪ In your eyes
470
00:19:09,348 --> 00:19:11,716
♪ Oh, I see the light
and the heat ♪
471
00:19:11,718 --> 00:19:14,452
♪ In your eyes,
the light, the heat
472
00:19:14,454 --> 00:19:17,955
♪ Oh, I wanna be
that complete
Me?
473
00:19:17,957 --> 00:19:18,856
Yeah, you.
474
00:19:18,858 --> 00:19:22,226
♪ I wanna touch the light,
the heat
475
00:19:22,228 --> 00:19:25,329
♪ I see in your eyes
476
00:19:25,664 --> 00:19:27,398
Hi.
Hi.
477
00:19:29,234 --> 00:19:32,537
You left this
on our lawn.
478
00:19:32,771 --> 00:19:34,005
Yeah, I...
479
00:19:34,007 --> 00:19:36,340
I did. I'm sorry.
480
00:19:37,409 --> 00:19:39,010
(SIGHS)
481
00:19:39,344 --> 00:19:43,614
The other night
was weird. (CHUCKLES)
482
00:19:45,317 --> 00:19:48,719
You know, my dad told me
not to talk to you anymore.
483
00:19:49,321 --> 00:19:50,521
I... I get it.
484
00:19:50,523 --> 00:19:52,924
Too bad I never listen
to my dad.
485
00:19:53,025 --> 00:19:54,725
(EXHALES)
486
00:19:56,628 --> 00:19:58,496
♪ And all my instincts
487
00:19:58,498 --> 00:19:59,931
Wanna go for a ride?
488
00:19:59,933 --> 00:20:01,666
♪ They return
489
00:20:01,668 --> 00:20:04,202
♪ And the grand facade
490
00:20:04,204 --> 00:20:05,036
♪ So soon will burn
491
00:20:05,038 --> 00:20:09,140
Just like I told him...
Go big or go home.
492
00:20:09,142 --> 00:20:13,344
Yeah. Think you can
help me out
with some girl stuff?
493
00:20:13,346 --> 00:20:15,947
Oh. What happened
to Miss Canada?
494
00:20:15,949 --> 00:20:17,848
Long distance. It's...
It's killing us.
495
00:20:17,850 --> 00:20:20,818
We never talk,
and when we do,
we fight.
496
00:20:20,820 --> 00:20:22,420
She's not real.
497
00:20:23,755 --> 00:20:26,424
♪ In your eyes
498
00:20:27,492 --> 00:20:29,961
♪ In your eyes
499
00:20:30,162 --> 00:20:32,730
♪ In your eyes
500
00:20:35,234 --> 00:20:38,469
ADAM:
There goes the fluffage,
different directions.
501
00:20:38,471 --> 00:20:39,337
Is that like a bald spot?
502
00:20:39,339 --> 00:20:40,805
Yeah, yeah, we do have
a bald spot there.
503
00:20:40,807 --> 00:20:43,774
(RECORD NEEDLE SCRATCHES)
(BELL DINGS)
504
00:20:50,582 --> 00:20:52,950
(BEVERLY'S VOICE) Murray!
505
00:20:53,752 --> 00:20:55,286
What?
506
00:20:55,621 --> 00:20:56,754
Murray!
507
00:20:56,756 --> 00:20:59,056
What? Ugh!
508
00:21:00,859 --> 00:21:02,627
Murray!
509
00:21:03,495 --> 00:21:05,196
What's going on?
510
00:21:05,198 --> 00:21:07,331
Murray!
What?
511
00:21:07,966 --> 00:21:09,967
Murray!
What? Wh...
512
00:21:09,969 --> 00:21:11,035
Murray!
513
00:21:11,037 --> 00:21:11,802
Well, where are you?
514
00:21:11,804 --> 00:21:13,504
(VOICE RAISING PITCH)
Murray, Murray!
515
00:21:13,506 --> 00:21:14,939
What?
516
00:21:14,941 --> 00:21:15,439
Murray!
517
00:21:15,441 --> 00:21:17,642
What do you want
from me, woman?
518
00:21:17,644 --> 00:21:19,777
(CHUCKLES)
Technology.
519
00:21:19,779 --> 00:21:22,780
(LOWERED VOICE) I know.
I love this thing.
520
00:21:22,782 --> 00:21:24,749
Hey!
(KEYBOARD CLATTERS)
521
00:21:24,751 --> 00:21:25,816
I see you!
522
00:21:25,818 --> 00:21:26,917
(RAPID FOOTSTEPS DEPART)
523
00:21:26,919 --> 00:21:28,586
What'd you break?