1
00:00:00,800 --> 00:00:03,002
What you talking 'bout,
Mr. D.?
2
00:00:03,004 --> 00:00:06,105
ADULT ADAM:
Back in the '80s,
these were the dads on TV.
3
00:00:06,107 --> 00:00:10,109
They were loving, nurturing,
and, quite often,
millionaires.
4
00:00:10,111 --> 00:00:11,010
(RECORD NEEDLE SCRATCHES)
5
00:00:11,012 --> 00:00:13,612
Unfortunately,
none of these
were my father.
6
00:00:13,614 --> 00:00:15,914
Now this was my dad,
Murray Goldberg,
7
00:00:15,916 --> 00:00:18,250
a man who lacked
both patience and pants.
8
00:00:18,252 --> 00:00:20,185
Why you gotta be a moron
all the time?
9
00:00:20,187 --> 00:00:21,487
(MOUTH FULL)
What did I do?
10
00:00:21,489 --> 00:00:22,321
How many times
I gotta tell ya?
11
00:00:22,323 --> 00:00:25,024
Don't touch
the damn thermostat!
12
00:00:25,026 --> 00:00:26,125
It's like 900 degrees
in here!
13
00:00:26,127 --> 00:00:29,428
You don't get that 'cause
you're in your underpants
all the time.
14
00:00:29,430 --> 00:00:31,997
The AC is
for emergency use only.
15
00:00:31,999 --> 00:00:34,266
What do you think
I'm made of, cold air?
16
00:00:34,268 --> 00:00:35,134
More like hot air.
17
00:00:35,136 --> 00:00:36,568
Oh, that's so damn funny.
18
00:00:36,570 --> 00:00:37,936
That's how
I remember my dad...
19
00:00:37,938 --> 00:00:40,939
Pants-less, pissed off,
and far from a millionaire.
20
00:00:40,941 --> 00:00:42,608
Don't touch
the damn thermostat!
21
00:00:42,610 --> 00:00:43,709
I mean, really?
How many times?
22
00:00:43,711 --> 00:00:46,745
And then there was my mom,
Beverly Goldberg.
23
00:00:46,747 --> 00:00:48,080
She was always there
for us,
24
00:00:48,082 --> 00:00:51,984
even when she probably
shouldn't have been.
25
00:00:51,986 --> 00:00:52,518
(GASPS)
26
00:00:52,520 --> 00:00:56,055
Ah! Ooh! Mom,
you gotta stop
watching me sleep.
27
00:00:56,057 --> 00:00:58,190
Well, if you'd let me stare
at you during the daytime,
28
00:00:58,192 --> 00:00:59,725
we wouldn't have to do
this little dance.
29
00:00:59,727 --> 00:01:01,360
I thought
I locked the door.
30
00:01:01,362 --> 00:01:02,227
(LAUGHS)
Oh, please.
31
00:01:02,229 --> 00:01:05,531
Get up.
(SINGSONGY) We're going
clothes shopping today!
32
00:01:05,533 --> 00:01:06,098
(CLICKS TONGUE)
33
00:01:06,100 --> 00:01:08,000
About that...
I... I was thinkin',
34
00:01:08,002 --> 00:01:12,171
can I pick out my own outfit
for the first day of school?
35
00:01:15,275 --> 00:01:18,177
Okay. What size pants
do you wear?
36
00:01:18,344 --> 00:01:19,411
Uh...
37
00:01:19,413 --> 00:01:21,947
Three... Large?
38
00:01:21,949 --> 00:01:23,782
(LAUGHS) See?
You need me.
39
00:01:23,784 --> 00:01:27,352
Mom, it's the first day
of seventh grade.
I wanna look cool.
40
00:01:27,354 --> 00:01:29,888
Well, who is cooler
than your mom?
41
00:01:29,890 --> 00:01:32,458
All...the people?
42
00:01:32,460 --> 00:01:33,792
(LAUGHS)
43
00:01:33,794 --> 00:01:35,394
You have
terrible morning breath.
44
00:01:35,396 --> 00:01:39,031
Brush your teeth,
get dressed, let's jam.
45
00:01:39,033 --> 00:01:40,499
(CURTAIN RINGS SWOOSH)
Mom!
46
00:01:40,501 --> 00:01:43,135
And so I went back-to-school
shopping with my mom.
47
00:01:43,137 --> 00:01:47,539
I got new clothes
and new nightmares
all in one day.
48
00:01:47,541 --> 00:01:48,407
Miss?
Whoa.
49
00:01:48,409 --> 00:01:52,177
I need the next size up
in these pants
for my little boy.
50
00:01:52,179 --> 00:01:54,046
These are too tight
in the crotchular region.
51
00:01:54,048 --> 00:01:57,316
She wasn't want you'd call
great with boundaries.
52
00:01:57,318 --> 00:01:58,350
In the crotchal region!
53
00:01:58,352 --> 00:02:02,187
I can't send my son
to school like this,
but I like the pants.
54
00:02:02,189 --> 00:02:04,790
While my mom had
a hands-on approach,
55
00:02:04,792 --> 00:02:06,291
my dad, not so much.
56
00:02:06,293 --> 00:02:08,527
Don't come in here.
I'm watching TV.
57
00:02:08,529 --> 00:02:11,029
Come on. I'm going out.
Give me 20 bucks.
58
00:02:11,031 --> 00:02:12,865
No.
I need it.
59
00:02:12,867 --> 00:02:13,565
No.
60
00:02:13,567 --> 00:02:14,833
It's for my rap group.
No!
61
00:02:14,835 --> 00:02:17,035
How do you expect
Big Tasty to make it
62
00:02:17,037 --> 00:02:19,538
if his crew
can't cut a demo?
63
00:02:19,706 --> 00:02:21,940
Big Tasty?
(CHUCKLES)
64
00:02:21,942 --> 00:02:22,941
Who is Big Tasty?
65
00:02:22,943 --> 00:02:24,843
It's me!
It's my rap name.
66
00:02:24,845 --> 00:02:26,945
Your rap name should be
"Big Pain in my Ass."
67
00:02:26,947 --> 00:02:29,715
Now get out of here.
Go play in the street.
68
00:02:29,717 --> 00:02:30,883
Hey, Dad?
What?
69
00:02:30,885 --> 00:02:32,851
Can I have
20 bucks?
No.
70
00:02:32,853 --> 00:02:34,753
Please?
No!
71
00:02:34,888 --> 00:02:36,889
It's for girl stuff.
72
00:02:37,657 --> 00:02:38,190
Buh.
73
00:02:38,192 --> 00:02:41,360
Lately, that's all
my dad could say
when it came to my sister.
74
00:02:41,362 --> 00:02:43,929
Hey, Mom.
I need a Midol.
75
00:02:43,931 --> 00:02:45,397
Cramps.
76
00:02:45,765 --> 00:02:47,799
Buh. Ugh.
77
00:02:49,369 --> 00:02:50,702
Buh.
78
00:02:51,738 --> 00:02:53,205
(GASPS) Ugh.
79
00:02:55,475 --> 00:02:57,276
(WHISPERS) Girl stuff.
80
00:02:57,278 --> 00:03:00,946
You give Erica 20 bucks just
'cause she says "girl stuff"?
81
00:03:00,948 --> 00:03:02,948
My guy stuff has to
be worth something.
82
00:03:02,950 --> 00:03:05,751
It's not.
This isn't fair!
83
00:03:05,753 --> 00:03:07,719
God, I wish I was a girl!
84
00:03:07,721 --> 00:03:08,720
Got it.
No.
85
00:03:08,722 --> 00:03:11,790
No, that was
out of context.
Erase it. Erase it!
86
00:03:11,792 --> 00:03:14,927
Erase! Erase!
Erase that! Erase...
87
00:03:14,929 --> 00:03:15,561
Shame on you.
88
00:03:15,563 --> 00:03:19,031
I just sat down.
How'd we get shame
on me already?
89
00:03:19,033 --> 00:03:19,531
Barry's right.
90
00:03:19,533 --> 00:03:21,600
Ever since Erica grew
(WHISPERS) boobs...
91
00:03:21,602 --> 00:03:23,602
(NORMAL VOICE)
You haven't known
how to deal with her.
92
00:03:23,604 --> 00:03:26,138
I mean, you don't even
yell at her anymore!
93
00:03:26,140 --> 00:03:28,740
Stop it. I yell at her
all the time.
94
00:03:28,742 --> 00:03:29,408
Oh, really?
95
00:03:29,410 --> 00:03:31,476
When was the last time
you called her a moron?
96
00:03:31,478 --> 00:03:34,780
She knows
I think she's a moron.
I don't have to say it.
97
00:03:34,782 --> 00:03:35,480
Yes, you do.
98
00:03:35,482 --> 00:03:37,249
She doesn't know
unless you tell her.
99
00:03:37,251 --> 00:03:40,652
Well, can't I just ignore
the other kids more?
100
00:03:40,654 --> 00:03:43,021
You are going to have
a daddy-daughter day
with Erica,
101
00:03:43,023 --> 00:03:45,357
like you used to do
when she was little.
102
00:03:45,359 --> 00:03:46,725
A whole day?
103
00:03:46,727 --> 00:03:49,728
I don't even
like spending a day
with myself.
104
00:03:49,730 --> 00:03:50,963
It's why I nap.
105
00:03:50,965 --> 00:03:51,697
You're doing it, Murray,
106
00:03:51,699 --> 00:03:53,832
and you're gonna smile
and have fun, damn it.
107
00:03:53,834 --> 00:03:57,002
Fine. I'll do
your daddy-daughter thing.
108
00:03:57,004 --> 00:03:59,605
But just know
you're overreacting.
109
00:03:59,607 --> 00:04:02,641
I'm quite comfortable
with the girl.
110
00:04:04,244 --> 00:04:06,645
Thanks, Mom.
Mmm-hmm.
111
00:04:06,713 --> 00:04:08,347
That was sitting in
with the food?
112
00:04:08,349 --> 00:04:09,748
The whole time.
113
00:04:09,750 --> 00:04:11,483
Throw all the food out.
114
00:04:11,485 --> 00:04:12,951
All of it!
115
00:04:12,953 --> 00:04:14,052
MAN:
♪ I'm twisted up inside
116
00:04:14,054 --> 00:04:18,657
♪ But nonetheless
I feel the need to say
117
00:04:20,493 --> 00:04:21,426
♪ I don't know the future
118
00:04:21,428 --> 00:04:25,731
♪ But the past keeps getting
clearer every day ♪
119
00:04:25,733 --> 00:04:27,132
It was September 8th,
1980-something.
120
00:04:27,134 --> 00:04:32,337
School hadn't started yet,
but any chance of
me being cool was gone.
121
00:04:32,339 --> 00:04:33,005
Knock knock, kiddo.
122
00:04:33,007 --> 00:04:36,708
ADAM: I'm not comin' out.
Mom took me school shopping.
123
00:04:36,710 --> 00:04:38,844
It's bad, Pops.
Really bad.
124
00:04:38,846 --> 00:04:42,848
Oh, stop.
I'm sure you look fine.
125
00:04:46,219 --> 00:04:47,452
Holy (BLEEP).
126
00:04:47,454 --> 00:04:48,086
I know!
127
00:04:48,088 --> 00:04:50,789
Who puts a train
on a sweater?
128
00:04:50,791 --> 00:04:52,157
It doesn't make sense.
129
00:04:52,159 --> 00:04:53,558
I don't even like trains.
130
00:04:53,560 --> 00:04:54,893
The sweater says you do.
131
00:04:54,895 --> 00:04:56,428
Well, the sweater's a lie!
132
00:04:56,430 --> 00:04:57,162
Okay, calm down.
133
00:04:57,164 --> 00:04:59,531
You just need to look
on the bright side.
134
00:04:59,533 --> 00:05:01,466
There is no bright side.
135
00:05:01,468 --> 00:05:02,801
It comes with a hat.
136
00:05:02,803 --> 00:05:04,503
(PANTS)
It comes with a hat!
137
00:05:04,505 --> 00:05:08,540
Okay. We gotta
hit the mall, and fast.
138
00:05:08,542 --> 00:05:09,675
You'll take me shopping?
139
00:05:09,677 --> 00:05:12,978
Absolutely.
Okay, off we go.
140
00:05:12,980 --> 00:05:15,614
What about Mom?
She loves this crap.
141
00:05:15,616 --> 00:05:18,984
Don't worry.
I'll handle your mom.
142
00:05:19,686 --> 00:05:21,687
Choo-choo!
(LAUGHS)
143
00:05:21,689 --> 00:05:22,954
Doesn't he look precious?
144
00:05:22,956 --> 00:05:24,723
He sure does!
145
00:05:24,725 --> 00:05:26,925
It's a train!
(CHUCKLES)
146
00:05:27,660 --> 00:05:31,330
(LOWERED VOICE)
I'll handle her later.
147
00:05:31,332 --> 00:05:33,432
While Pops was saving me
from the tradition
with my mom,
148
00:05:33,434 --> 00:05:39,271
my dad was doing his best
to revive his tradition
with Erica.
149
00:05:39,405 --> 00:05:41,206
You want a churro?
150
00:05:41,208 --> 00:05:41,773
I'm good.
151
00:05:41,775 --> 00:05:43,909
Ice cream?
Nope.
152
00:05:43,911 --> 00:05:47,012
Cotton candy?
I'm really not hungry.
153
00:05:48,981 --> 00:05:50,482
Nachos.
154
00:05:50,484 --> 00:05:52,484
Am I here as
some kind of punishment?
155
00:05:52,486 --> 00:05:55,220
No! No, no, no.
We're havin' fun.
156
00:05:55,222 --> 00:05:59,491
Hangin'. Talkin'.
Makin' memories.
157
00:06:02,528 --> 00:06:03,028
Okay.
158
00:06:03,030 --> 00:06:05,263
But after an hour,
the only memory they made
159
00:06:05,265 --> 00:06:07,632
was my dad getting rough
with the claw machine.
160
00:06:07,634 --> 00:06:10,535
Come on. Come to p...
What?
161
00:06:10,537 --> 00:06:11,737
(MACHINE BEEPING)
162
00:06:11,739 --> 00:06:12,704
That unicorn is rigged.
163
00:06:12,706 --> 00:06:13,638
I'm telling you,
it's rigged.
164
00:06:13,640 --> 00:06:16,308
Dad, take it easy.
It's just a stuffed animal.
165
00:06:16,310 --> 00:06:18,276
No, no, no.
You love unicorns.
166
00:06:18,278 --> 00:06:20,946
Daddy's gonna win one
for his little peanut.
167
00:06:20,948 --> 00:06:23,949
Come on.
Let's do it again.
Here we go.
168
00:06:24,050 --> 00:06:26,852
Okay. All right.
169
00:06:29,021 --> 00:06:30,922
All right. Uh...
170
00:06:30,924 --> 00:06:33,558
(LOWERED VOICE)
Let's get somethin'
to eat.
171
00:06:33,560 --> 00:06:36,395
Okay, kiddo.
Camera is rolling.
172
00:06:36,397 --> 00:06:38,096
Strut your stuff.
173
00:06:38,164 --> 00:06:40,832
Pops, get a close-up
of my Z. Cavaricci's.
174
00:06:40,834 --> 00:06:43,402
I wanna remember this outfit
for the rest of my life.
175
00:06:43,404 --> 00:06:46,371
Unfortunately, I still do.
176
00:06:46,373 --> 00:06:50,375
What's this?
What's happening
on your body?
177
00:06:50,377 --> 00:06:52,177
Good news, Bev!
178
00:06:52,179 --> 00:06:53,678
I took the kid shopping.
179
00:06:53,680 --> 00:06:54,646
Oh, Dad, I already
bought him clothes.
180
00:06:54,648 --> 00:06:58,884
Honey,
this is the seventh grade
we're talking about...
181
00:06:58,886 --> 00:06:59,418
The big leagues.
182
00:06:59,420 --> 00:07:04,556
And we need to go for
something less adorable
and more dangerous.
183
00:07:04,558 --> 00:07:07,192
Trains are
plenty dangerous.
184
00:07:07,194 --> 00:07:09,428
Do you remember
Marge Grossman's son Trace?
185
00:07:09,430 --> 00:07:11,797
(SCOFFS)
He got his foot stuck
in the track.
186
00:07:11,799 --> 00:07:12,664
Train came by,
cut it right off.
187
00:07:12,666 --> 00:07:16,134
If you could get me
a sweater of that,
then I'd wear it.
188
00:07:16,136 --> 00:07:20,906
Come on, Bev.
Let's not make a thing
out of this, okay?
189
00:07:25,445 --> 00:07:26,077
Okay.
190
00:07:26,079 --> 00:07:30,415
If this is what
makes you happy,
then I'm happy.
191
00:07:30,417 --> 00:07:33,752
Yeah, I'm happy.
Check out this
sweet day-glo.
192
00:07:33,754 --> 00:07:36,254
It glows in the day.
193
00:07:36,256 --> 00:07:38,056
(CHUCKLES) Wow.
194
00:07:38,058 --> 00:07:38,890
Science.
195
00:07:38,892 --> 00:07:41,526
See, kid? I told ya
she'd come around.
196
00:07:41,528 --> 00:07:42,027
(CHUCKLES)
197
00:07:42,029 --> 00:07:44,196
But Beverly Goldberg
does not come around.
198
00:07:44,198 --> 00:07:46,298
I was so blinded
by the bright neon,
199
00:07:46,300 --> 00:07:49,835
I couldn't see the fire
in my mom's eyes.
200
00:07:51,737 --> 00:07:54,172
It was hour two of the worst
daddy-daughter day in history,
201
00:07:54,174 --> 00:07:56,975
but my old man wasn't ready
to give up yet.
202
00:07:56,977 --> 00:07:59,411
Dad, how much longer
are we gonna do this?
203
00:07:59,413 --> 00:08:02,314
I mean, we already played
pinball and air hockey.
204
00:08:02,316 --> 00:08:05,517
And I got you
a slap bracelet.
205
00:08:05,519 --> 00:08:06,551
And I'll cherish it.
206
00:08:06,553 --> 00:08:08,753
But I told Lainey
that I would call her,
207
00:08:08,755 --> 00:08:11,156
and it's been...
Ah. Oh.
208
00:08:11,158 --> 00:08:12,057
I see. I see.
209
00:08:12,059 --> 00:08:14,893
You're afraid that some of
the cool kids from school
210
00:08:14,895 --> 00:08:17,629
are gonna see ya
hanging out
with your old man.
211
00:08:17,631 --> 00:08:18,129
Yeah.
212
00:08:18,131 --> 00:08:20,966
Okay, uh, don't take this
the wrong way,
213
00:08:20,968 --> 00:08:22,601
but no one
with a hint of cool
214
00:08:22,603 --> 00:08:26,404
would ever set foot on...
Oh, my God!
215
00:08:26,406 --> 00:08:28,840
(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)
216
00:08:29,575 --> 00:08:33,011
That's right,
they'd stumbled upon
Barry's secret world...
217
00:08:33,013 --> 00:08:36,014
A world he wanted no one
to know about.
218
00:08:38,417 --> 00:08:39,484
Barry?
219
00:08:39,486 --> 00:08:40,619
BARRY: Dad!
220
00:08:40,621 --> 00:08:42,921
Okay. I know
how this looks.
221
00:08:42,923 --> 00:08:45,190
(LAUGHS) Then you know
it's hilarious, right?
222
00:08:45,192 --> 00:08:46,825
You shut your face!
223
00:08:46,827 --> 00:08:47,726
(LAUGHS)
224
00:08:47,728 --> 00:08:48,960
So now you know.
225
00:08:48,962 --> 00:08:50,362
This is where I go
on the weekend.
226
00:08:50,364 --> 00:08:52,531
What happened to
your rap club?
227
00:08:52,533 --> 00:08:53,231
It was just my cover.
228
00:08:53,233 --> 00:08:56,334
Okay, you know,
you're supposed to cover
something embarrassing
229
00:08:56,336 --> 00:08:58,770
with something
less embarrassing, right?
230
00:08:58,772 --> 00:09:01,406
Your face
is embarrassing!
Ha, ha, ha!
231
00:09:01,408 --> 00:09:03,875
I've been coming here
the past two months.
232
00:09:03,877 --> 00:09:07,078
Skating helps me
blow off steam, you know?
233
00:09:07,080 --> 00:09:07,979
Roll it out.
234
00:09:07,981 --> 00:09:09,981
(LAUGHING)
Roll it out?
(LAUGHS)
235
00:09:09,983 --> 00:09:12,617
Go ahead. Go ahead.
Keep laughin'.
236
00:09:12,619 --> 00:09:13,318
It doesn't bother me.
237
00:09:13,320 --> 00:09:16,254
That's the great thing
about this place.
I get respect.
238
00:09:16,256 --> 00:09:19,357
Yes, from a 9-year-old
who just high fived you.
239
00:09:19,359 --> 00:09:22,027
He's almost 11!
(BOTH LAUGH)
240
00:09:23,563 --> 00:09:25,297
You know what?
241
00:09:25,299 --> 00:09:27,032
Just roll it out, Barry.
242
00:09:27,034 --> 00:09:28,433
Just roll it out.
243
00:09:28,435 --> 00:09:29,467
Roll it out.
244
00:09:29,469 --> 00:09:31,269
(LAUGHS)
(LAUGHS)
Roll it out!
245
00:09:31,271 --> 00:09:31,903
Yes!
246
00:09:31,905 --> 00:09:32,971
Your brother's wearing
a fanny pack.
247
00:09:32,973 --> 00:09:35,941
Oh, you know what?
I will take you up
on those nachos now.
248
00:09:35,943 --> 00:09:37,108
You got it, girl.
Let's go.
249
00:09:37,110 --> 00:09:39,911
Finally, my dad
had found a way
to connect with Erica...
250
00:09:39,913 --> 00:09:42,547
By mocking
one of his other children.
251
00:09:42,549 --> 00:09:43,582
What about, uh, Lainey?
252
00:09:43,584 --> 00:09:44,616
I thought you had to
call her back.
253
00:09:44,618 --> 00:09:49,054
Eh, it's fine.
She's kind of annoying me
right now anyway.
254
00:09:49,056 --> 00:09:52,057
You wanna talk about it
or something?
255
00:09:52,059 --> 00:09:54,459
Nah. It's girl stuff.
256
00:09:54,461 --> 00:09:56,695
All right. Why not?
257
00:09:56,697 --> 00:09:59,197
Talk to me.
I'm all ears.
258
00:09:59,199 --> 00:10:00,498
(LAUGHS) No.
259
00:10:00,500 --> 00:10:01,833
You'll just freak out.
260
00:10:01,835 --> 00:10:04,536
Me? Murray Goldberg?
261
00:10:04,538 --> 00:10:06,071
No. Come on.
262
00:10:06,073 --> 00:10:06,705
Let's go.
263
00:10:06,707 --> 00:10:10,909
No judgment. I promise.
No judgey-ness.
264
00:10:10,911 --> 00:10:11,943
You sure about that?
265
00:10:11,945 --> 00:10:14,279
No judgey-ness!
Let's go.
266
00:10:14,281 --> 00:10:16,014
All right.
267
00:10:16,016 --> 00:10:17,649
Me and Lainey are
kind of in a fight.
268
00:10:17,651 --> 00:10:20,385
What'd she do?
Uh, copy your homework?
269
00:10:20,387 --> 00:10:21,853
Smile at a boy you like?
270
00:10:21,855 --> 00:10:23,355
She got loaded
on peach schnapps
271
00:10:23,357 --> 00:10:25,023
and talked
all kinds of crap
about me.
272
00:10:25,025 --> 00:10:28,627
My dad thought he was ready
to handle the girl stuff...
273
00:10:28,629 --> 00:10:29,561
(WHISPERS) But he wasn't.
274
00:10:29,563 --> 00:10:33,064
Well, it turns out
that his van is actually
his home, right?
275
00:10:33,066 --> 00:10:35,266
(SCOFFS)
And his real name
isn't Ron Bon Jovi.
276
00:10:35,268 --> 00:10:38,536
And he's not a roadie.
He had a keg in his van.
277
00:10:38,538 --> 00:10:39,904
Thank God I met
the nicest guy,
278
00:10:39,906 --> 00:10:43,308
and he was
selling these T-shirts
that he makes himself.
279
00:10:43,310 --> 00:10:44,476
And he has
all these dolphin tattoos
280
00:10:44,478 --> 00:10:47,379
because he really wants
to be a marine biologist.
281
00:10:47,381 --> 00:10:47,979
He was so built.
282
00:10:47,981 --> 00:10:50,849
And so we kinda took
a little trip down
to the ocean,
283
00:10:50,851 --> 00:10:54,219
and, uh, and he was rubbing
suntan lotion all over me,
284
00:10:54,221 --> 00:10:56,621
but it was kinda weird
because...
285
00:10:56,623 --> 00:10:57,288
Well, it was nighttime.
286
00:10:57,290 --> 00:11:01,126
My dad wasn't the only one
in a new level of hell.
287
00:11:01,128 --> 00:11:02,327
ADAM: Oh, my God!
288
00:11:02,329 --> 00:11:03,895
She shrunk my clothes!
289
00:11:03,897 --> 00:11:07,298
Let's not panic, kiddo.
It's really not that bad.
290
00:11:07,300 --> 00:11:10,101
Look at me! You can see
every little curve.
291
00:11:10,103 --> 00:11:11,970
I know Mom shrunk 'em
on purpose.
292
00:11:11,972 --> 00:11:13,304
Come on.
She'd never do that.
293
00:11:13,306 --> 00:11:17,442
Oh, yes, she would.
You just don't know her.
294
00:11:17,444 --> 00:11:17,976
I'm her father.
295
00:11:17,978 --> 00:11:21,513
Pops, I'm telling you,
that woman's an evil genius.
296
00:11:21,515 --> 00:11:22,914
Dinner's ready!
297
00:11:22,916 --> 00:11:25,383
I made your favorite,
shrimp parm.
298
00:11:25,385 --> 00:11:26,918
Oh, you made
my favorite?
299
00:11:26,920 --> 00:11:29,187
Well, it doesn't
make up for this.
300
00:11:29,189 --> 00:11:30,288
My goodness!
301
00:11:30,290 --> 00:11:33,391
What happened to
your cool clothes?
302
00:11:33,393 --> 00:11:34,793
You happened.
303
00:11:34,795 --> 00:11:37,195
(WHISPERS)
You happened.
304
00:11:37,863 --> 00:11:39,998
They must've shrunk
when I washed 'em.
305
00:11:40,000 --> 00:11:40,598
It was an accident.
306
00:11:40,600 --> 00:11:44,169
When it comes to
you and the laundry,
there are no accidents.
307
00:11:44,171 --> 00:11:45,704
I always wash new clothes.
308
00:11:45,706 --> 00:11:47,939
You don't know
who tried them on
before you.
309
00:11:47,941 --> 00:11:48,807
Could've been a drifter.
310
00:11:48,809 --> 00:11:50,909
What kind of drifter shops
at the Willow Grove Mall?
311
00:11:50,911 --> 00:11:52,844
Well, what kind of drifter
needs to buy new clothes
312
00:11:52,846 --> 00:11:54,446
when he already has
perfectly good ones?
313
00:11:54,448 --> 00:11:57,515
A drifter with a mom
who drove him to drifting!
314
00:11:57,517 --> 00:12:00,085
The open road was
his only way out!
315
00:12:00,087 --> 00:12:01,119
What's happening?
316
00:12:01,121 --> 00:12:02,320
I'll tell you
what's happening.
317
00:12:02,322 --> 00:12:05,423
You're gonna
wear the clothes
I bought you.
318
00:12:05,425 --> 00:12:06,491
They're perfectly fine.
319
00:12:06,493 --> 00:12:09,994
Holy God!
You did shrink 'em
on purpose!
320
00:12:09,996 --> 00:12:13,298
Okay, there are
some ugly accusations
321
00:12:13,300 --> 00:12:16,301
flying around this house
right now.
322
00:12:16,502 --> 00:12:18,737
Okay, now that
that's been resolved,
323
00:12:18,739 --> 00:12:21,372
I think we all need
to take a deep breath
324
00:12:21,374 --> 00:12:24,142
and put on
our adorable train sweater.
325
00:12:24,144 --> 00:12:26,511
I'll never wear
your train! Ever!
326
00:12:26,513 --> 00:12:29,347
(SCOFFS) Oh, these
are chaffing me,
327
00:12:29,349 --> 00:12:31,282
but I like it!
328
00:12:31,284 --> 00:12:34,419
Bevy, I spent a fortune
on those clothes.
329
00:12:34,421 --> 00:12:35,854
And that store was crazy.
330
00:12:35,856 --> 00:12:39,157
There was a boy
with earrings
in his nipples.
331
00:12:39,159 --> 00:12:40,658
I told you
not to mix in!
332
00:12:40,660 --> 00:12:43,595
But Adam wants
to look stylish.
333
00:12:43,597 --> 00:12:46,998
Oh, I know style.
I am style.
334
00:12:47,000 --> 00:12:49,968
They're just clothes.
Who cares?
335
00:12:49,970 --> 00:12:50,568
I care.
336
00:12:50,570 --> 00:12:55,006
Back-to-school shopping was
one of the last traditions
Adam and I had together.
337
00:12:55,008 --> 00:12:57,175
But now I guess
that's gone, too.
338
00:12:57,177 --> 00:13:00,011
While my mom's plan
to bond with me
had blown up,
339
00:13:00,013 --> 00:13:01,846
my dad's plan
to bond with Erica
340
00:13:01,848 --> 00:13:03,815
was about to make
his head explode.
341
00:13:03,817 --> 00:13:05,917
I mean, if you ask me,
the cop was overreacting.
342
00:13:05,919 --> 00:13:07,752
Like, it was obviously
a flare gun.
343
00:13:07,754 --> 00:13:11,089
So we take off running,
and I lose my shoe
climbing over a fence.
344
00:13:11,091 --> 00:13:15,026
There weren't any cabs,
but luckily this motor home
pulls up.
345
00:13:15,028 --> 00:13:16,194
Buh.
...really nice.
346
00:13:16,196 --> 00:13:17,462
Buh.
What?
347
00:13:17,464 --> 00:13:18,897
Buh! Ugh!
348
00:13:18,899 --> 00:13:20,498
Let's just go back
to silence,
349
00:13:20,500 --> 00:13:22,967
beautiful
daddy-daughter silence.
350
00:13:22,969 --> 00:13:24,869
No more stories!
351
00:13:24,871 --> 00:13:26,271
Why are you freaking out?
352
00:13:26,273 --> 00:13:27,939
I mean, it was all
Lainey's fault.
353
00:13:27,941 --> 00:13:28,673
Oh, how is that?
354
00:13:28,675 --> 00:13:32,410
Every decision you made
in that story
was a terrible one.
355
00:13:32,412 --> 00:13:33,812
You said no judgey-ness.
356
00:13:33,814 --> 00:13:35,613
I'm telling you,
your friend Lainey Lewis...
357
00:13:35,615 --> 00:13:36,948
She is big trouble.
358
00:13:36,950 --> 00:13:39,517
Big trouble!
You're never to
see her again.
359
00:13:39,519 --> 00:13:41,186
She's my best friend!
360
00:13:41,188 --> 00:13:42,387
She is banned!
361
00:13:42,389 --> 00:13:43,121
Banned for life!
362
00:13:43,123 --> 00:13:45,290
Oh, really?
No more talking.
363
00:13:45,292 --> 00:13:46,991
We're gonna roll it out!
Come on!
364
00:13:46,993 --> 00:13:49,093
Ugh! I knew
you couldn't handle it!
365
00:13:49,095 --> 00:13:49,961
Roll it out!
I knew.
366
00:13:49,963 --> 00:13:52,897
Uh, you know what? No.
I am not 10 years old
anymore.
367
00:13:52,899 --> 00:13:57,302
I don't like
roller-skating or unicorns
or slap bracelets.
368
00:13:57,304 --> 00:13:59,771
Don't you take off
the slap bracelet.
369
00:13:59,773 --> 00:14:01,873
That represents friendship.
370
00:14:01,875 --> 00:14:04,509
No, no, don't skate away
from me!
371
00:14:04,610 --> 00:14:06,678
Erica! Ah!
372
00:14:06,680 --> 00:14:09,714
All right.
I'm mergin' here.
373
00:14:09,716 --> 00:14:12,884
I'm mergin'.
Do you see
the sign for merge?
374
00:14:12,886 --> 00:14:14,719
Yield! Yield!
375
00:14:14,721 --> 00:14:17,255
Let me in! Let me in!
(WOMEN SCREAM)
376
00:14:17,257 --> 00:14:19,224
Let me... (SCREAMS)
377
00:14:22,661 --> 00:14:24,529
Daddy-daughter day was
officially a disaster.
378
00:14:24,531 --> 00:14:28,533
Not only had Erica bailed,
but my dad's ankle
was swollen,
379
00:14:28,535 --> 00:14:30,068
and no one could
get him off the rink.
380
00:14:30,070 --> 00:14:32,871
Barry,
I got your message.
Where's your father?
381
00:14:32,873 --> 00:14:33,504
The rink.
382
00:14:33,506 --> 00:14:37,108
Can you please
get him out of here?
He's embarrassing me.
383
00:14:37,110 --> 00:14:39,277
Is that my fanny pack?
384
00:14:39,279 --> 00:14:41,045
Just go!
385
00:14:43,515 --> 00:14:46,818
The merge! What the...
The merge!
386
00:14:46,820 --> 00:14:49,654
Murray. Murray!
The merge!
387
00:14:49,656 --> 00:14:51,289
Oh, my God,
look at your ankle!
388
00:14:51,291 --> 00:14:52,790
It's all swollen
and ballooning.
389
00:14:52,792 --> 00:14:55,693
What are you talking about?
It's the other ankle.
390
00:14:55,695 --> 00:14:56,694
Oh.
Ballooning?
391
00:14:56,696 --> 00:14:58,396
What are you even
doing here?
392
00:14:58,398 --> 00:14:59,230
This was your idea.
393
00:14:59,232 --> 00:15:02,133
You said take Erica out,
so I brought her here.
394
00:15:02,135 --> 00:15:07,505
You brought
your moody teenage daughter
to a roller skating rink?
395
00:15:07,640 --> 00:15:09,307
Mistakes were made.
396
00:15:09,309 --> 00:15:11,576
Uh... Some by me.
397
00:15:11,911 --> 00:15:15,280
I don't know what's going on
with my little peanut.
398
00:15:15,282 --> 00:15:18,116
The kid doesn't even
like unicorns anymore.
399
00:15:18,118 --> 00:15:20,451
She's growing up, Murray.
400
00:15:21,854 --> 00:15:23,988
They all are.
401
00:15:34,466 --> 00:15:37,435
I'd go with
the brown paper bag.
402
00:15:37,437 --> 00:15:40,271
Aw. But Adam
loves Kermie.
403
00:15:40,839 --> 00:15:42,307
You know what?
Your call.
404
00:15:42,309 --> 00:15:43,808
I'm not gonna mix in.
405
00:15:43,810 --> 00:15:46,010
No, you're right.
406
00:15:46,378 --> 00:15:48,079
And, uh, you were right
about the clothes.
407
00:15:48,081 --> 00:15:51,516
Adam is old enough
to pick his own clothes.
408
00:15:52,885 --> 00:15:55,653
But it's all just going by
so fast.
409
00:15:56,355 --> 00:15:57,388
And...
410
00:15:57,390 --> 00:16:00,358
It's hard because every year
he gets older,
411
00:16:00,360 --> 00:16:06,431
and I feel like I'm just
having to say goodbye
to a little boy
412
00:16:06,433 --> 00:16:08,499
I was just gettin' to know.
413
00:16:08,501 --> 00:16:11,469
I went through
the same thing with you.
414
00:16:11,804 --> 00:16:17,442
But you know what made
saying goodbye
to my little girl easier?
415
00:16:17,776 --> 00:16:21,179
I got to see
the woman she became.
416
00:16:23,415 --> 00:16:24,582
(CHUCKLES)
417
00:16:24,584 --> 00:16:29,854
Adam,
get your ass downstairs!
We're going to the mall!
418
00:16:30,823 --> 00:16:32,824
Thanks, Daddy.
419
00:16:36,328 --> 00:16:37,996
Oh, no!
They're closed.
420
00:16:37,998 --> 00:16:40,965
Nothing's closed until
I say it is.
421
00:16:41,233 --> 00:16:43,634
Hey! What are you doing?
We're closing.
422
00:16:43,636 --> 00:16:46,337
My beautiful boy
needs a pair of
acid-washed jeans,
423
00:16:46,339 --> 00:16:48,306
and he needs them
right now.
424
00:16:48,308 --> 00:16:50,408
Can't help you. Sorry.
425
00:16:50,410 --> 00:16:52,443
Sorry?
(CHUCKLES) Oh.
426
00:16:52,445 --> 00:16:54,078
You don't know from sorry.
427
00:16:54,080 --> 00:16:57,415
If you don't let us in,
people will hear about it.
428
00:16:57,417 --> 00:16:58,549
Your co-workers,
your manager.
429
00:16:58,551 --> 00:17:01,285
I will call the CEO
of Jeans Express himself,
430
00:17:01,287 --> 00:17:05,023
and I will have him
dragged out of his important
meeting about jeans
431
00:17:05,025 --> 00:17:07,258
to let him know
that he has an employee
432
00:17:07,260 --> 00:17:09,594
so spiteful,
so petty, so cruel
433
00:17:09,596 --> 00:17:11,863
that she wouldn't let
a yummy boy
434
00:17:11,865 --> 00:17:13,464
shop for his first day
of school.
435
00:17:13,466 --> 00:17:15,199
So I'm gonna ask you
one more time,
436
00:17:15,201 --> 00:17:19,404
and I want you to think
about your answer
very carefully.
437
00:17:20,372 --> 00:17:22,907
Can we please come in?
438
00:17:22,909 --> 00:17:25,543
(COME SAIL AWAY PLAYING)
439
00:17:29,081 --> 00:17:30,181
Thank you.
440
00:17:30,183 --> 00:17:34,085
Also, I have a coupon.
It expired a year ago.
441
00:17:34,087 --> 00:17:35,420
You will honor it.
442
00:17:35,422 --> 00:17:38,489
♪ I'm sailing
443
00:17:38,491 --> 00:17:42,360
MURRAY:
That's it, peanut!
You're doing great!
444
00:17:42,362 --> 00:17:44,395
You're doing it
all by yourself!
445
00:17:44,397 --> 00:17:46,798
♪ Set an open course
446
00:17:46,800 --> 00:17:48,699
♪ For the virgin sea
447
00:17:48,701 --> 00:17:51,035
Yeah,
I remember that day.
448
00:17:52,037 --> 00:17:53,671
Ooh.
Mmm.
449
00:17:53,673 --> 00:17:55,339
I look ridiculous.
450
00:17:55,341 --> 00:17:57,642
You look adorable.
451
00:17:57,876 --> 00:17:59,477
You do.
452
00:18:00,345 --> 00:18:04,515
So today was, uh,
kind of a disaster, huh?
453
00:18:04,517 --> 00:18:07,385
A little, but...
454
00:18:07,453 --> 00:18:10,121
It was fun
busting on Barry.
455
00:18:10,123 --> 00:18:11,622
(LAUGHS) It was.
456
00:18:11,624 --> 00:18:13,858
Oh, my God.
It really was.
457
00:18:13,860 --> 00:18:15,259
Listen.
458
00:18:15,461 --> 00:18:17,962
I may not understand...
459
00:18:17,964 --> 00:18:19,864
Uh, you know, all this.
460
00:18:19,866 --> 00:18:21,332
You know?
461
00:18:21,334 --> 00:18:24,469
But that doesn't mean
I'm not here for you.
462
00:18:25,137 --> 00:18:28,673
Obviously,
go to your mother first.
463
00:18:28,675 --> 00:18:34,078
But if she's not around,
I'm here for you.
464
00:18:35,547 --> 00:18:37,148
Thanks.
465
00:18:41,153 --> 00:18:41,586
(KISSES)
466
00:18:41,588 --> 00:18:43,621
Night, Dad.
Good night, peanut.
467
00:18:43,623 --> 00:18:48,025
♪ Spark my memory
468
00:18:48,160 --> 00:18:51,896
♪ Some happy
469
00:18:51,898 --> 00:18:55,333
♪ Some sad
470
00:18:56,502 --> 00:18:58,703
♪ I think of
childhood friends
471
00:18:58,705 --> 00:19:02,540
Come and get 'em!
Lunches for my honeybunches!
472
00:19:02,542 --> 00:19:05,209
Hey, don't wait up.
I'm studying at
Lainey's tonight.
473
00:19:05,211 --> 00:19:08,779
Studying for what?
Today's the first day
of school.
474
00:19:08,781 --> 00:19:11,849
Don't be a moron!
Get your ass home!
475
00:19:11,851 --> 00:19:12,316
Ugh!
476
00:19:12,318 --> 00:19:13,551
ADULT ADAM:
And just like that,
477
00:19:13,553 --> 00:19:16,254
my dad was back to
talking to Erica.
478
00:19:16,256 --> 00:19:19,657
Look at us!
We're identical twins.
479
00:19:19,858 --> 00:19:22,226
So... How do I look?
480
00:19:24,062 --> 00:19:25,897
Dangerous.
481
00:19:28,834 --> 00:19:32,170
♪ To carry on
482
00:19:32,172 --> 00:19:34,972
We may have outgrown our old
back-to-school traditions,
483
00:19:34,974 --> 00:19:38,209
but thanks to Barry,
we started a new one.
484
00:19:38,211 --> 00:19:41,612
♪ Come sail away,
come sail away
485
00:19:41,614 --> 00:19:44,882
♪ Come sail away
with me, lad
486
00:19:44,884 --> 00:19:48,486
♪ Come sail away,
come sail away
487
00:19:48,488 --> 00:19:51,522
♪ Come sail away with me
488
00:19:51,524 --> 00:19:54,992
♪ Come sail away,
come sail away
489
00:19:54,994 --> 00:19:58,095
♪ Come sail away
with me, baby
490
00:19:58,097 --> 00:20:01,832
♪ Come sail away,
come sail away
491
00:20:01,834 --> 00:20:04,569
♪ Come sail away with me
492
00:20:04,571 --> 00:20:07,905
♪ Come sail away,
come sail away
493
00:20:07,907 --> 00:20:11,742
♪ Come sail away with me
494
00:20:12,077 --> 00:20:14,612
Look how much fun
Mommy's having.
495
00:20:14,614 --> 00:20:16,113
Hi!
496
00:20:20,352 --> 00:20:23,955
(MUSIC PLAYING)
It's a work in progress,
but here it goes.
497
00:20:23,957 --> 00:20:26,090
(BEATBOXING)
498
00:20:29,228 --> 00:20:32,163
(RAPPING)
♪ My name is Barry,
but they call me Big Tasty
499
00:20:32,165 --> 00:20:35,533
♪ I'm the number one rapper
in the U.S.-asty
500
00:20:35,535 --> 00:20:38,536
♪ My rhymes are fresh,
my flow is hasty
501
00:20:38,538 --> 00:20:41,505
♪ You'll be eatin' up my words
like a fresh baked pastry
502
00:20:41,507 --> 00:20:45,643
♪ When I say "Big,"
you say "Tasty"
503
00:20:45,645 --> 00:20:47,478
♪ Big
504
00:20:47,613 --> 00:20:48,546
What's happening?
505
00:20:48,548 --> 00:20:52,016
I'll tell you
what's happening.
He's a moron.
506
00:20:52,018 --> 00:20:54,151
My God, stop it.
507
00:20:56,688 --> 00:20:57,555
Stop it. Stop it.
508
00:20:57,557 --> 00:21:00,591
I am watching,
and it's aggravating!
509
00:21:00,593 --> 00:21:01,826
ADAM: Is it annoying?
510
00:21:01,828 --> 00:21:02,460
Where you going?
511
00:21:02,462 --> 00:21:04,929
I can't help you!
I don't know
what to do about it!
512
00:21:04,931 --> 00:21:06,697
You have a family here!
513
00:21:06,699 --> 00:21:07,298
BEVERLY: Murray!
514
00:21:07,300 --> 00:21:08,766
Take your watch off.
It's that...
No.
515
00:21:08,768 --> 00:21:13,104
It's that
medicated dog shampoo.
No. No. No.
516
00:21:13,106 --> 00:21:14,171
(WATER RUNNING)
517
00:21:14,173 --> 00:21:16,107
(LAUGHING)