1
00:00:00,367 --> 00:00:04,103
Show me "wax on, wax off."
2
00:00:04,105 --> 00:00:05,037
Hyah!
3
00:00:05,039 --> 00:00:09,441
(CENTERFOLD PLAYING)
4
00:00:12,612 --> 00:00:13,912
ADAM: Man, I love the '80s.
5
00:00:13,914 --> 00:00:17,383
It was the age of E.T.,
Mr. T., and MTV.
6
00:00:17,385 --> 00:00:18,884
Back then,
the world was still small...
7
00:00:18,886 --> 00:00:21,520
No cell phones
or internet or Twitter.
8
00:00:21,522 --> 00:00:22,755
Your friends lived
on your street,
9
00:00:22,757 --> 00:00:26,125
and your family
were the people
at your dinner table.
10
00:00:26,127 --> 00:00:26,959
(RECORD NEEDLE SCRATCHES)
11
00:00:26,961 --> 00:00:30,262
If you're assuming these
smiley, affectionate people
are my family, they're not.
12
00:00:30,264 --> 00:00:32,498
We showed our affection
in a different way.
13
00:00:32,500 --> 00:00:33,732
Yeah, does this hurt?
No, it doesn't hurt.
14
00:00:33,734 --> 00:00:36,802
Erica, not at the table.
It doesn't hurt.
It doesn't hurt.
15
00:00:36,804 --> 00:00:38,704
MAN: Now this is how
I remember the '80s.
16
00:00:38,706 --> 00:00:42,341
There were no parenting blogs
or peanut allergies...
17
00:00:42,343 --> 00:00:44,109
Just a whole lot of crazy.
18
00:00:44,111 --> 00:00:45,744
Oh, look at
that little geek, right?
19
00:00:45,746 --> 00:00:47,713
Yeah, that's me,
Adam Goldberg.
20
00:00:47,715 --> 00:00:50,349
We were the first on our block
to get a video camera,
21
00:00:50,351 --> 00:00:53,952
and I used it to record
my entire childhood.
22
00:00:53,954 --> 00:00:54,686
(SINGSONGY) I'm home!
23
00:00:54,688 --> 00:00:56,522
The man parking his pants
at the front door...
24
00:00:56,524 --> 00:00:59,224
That's my dad,
Murray Goldberg.
25
00:00:59,226 --> 00:01:00,459
TV's mine!
26
00:01:00,461 --> 00:01:01,460
Ever since
his last heart attack,
27
00:01:01,462 --> 00:01:04,530
he became determined
to exercise, eat better,
28
00:01:04,532 --> 00:01:07,099
and not yell so much.
It wasn't working.
29
00:01:07,101 --> 00:01:08,133
Stop with the camera!
30
00:01:08,135 --> 00:01:10,202
My super friendly sister
Erica...
31
00:01:10,204 --> 00:01:12,604
She loved to talk to people,
just not us.
32
00:01:12,606 --> 00:01:15,707
Adam, what the hell?
I'm gonna crimp your face!
33
00:01:15,709 --> 00:01:16,208
Mom!
34
00:01:16,210 --> 00:01:21,447
Barry Goldberg,
textbook middle child
and classic overreactor.
35
00:01:21,449 --> 00:01:23,415
You're a liar, Simon!
36
00:01:23,417 --> 00:01:24,750
You are a liar!
37
00:01:24,752 --> 00:01:26,351
(BUZZING)
38
00:01:26,353 --> 00:01:27,319
Stop videotaping!
39
00:01:27,321 --> 00:01:31,356
And finally,
my overbearing smother,
Beverly Goldberg,
40
00:01:31,358 --> 00:01:33,859
a homemaker,
a ball breaker,
41
00:01:33,861 --> 00:01:35,094
who found the time
to stay fit,
42
00:01:35,096 --> 00:01:38,564
raise the kids,
and drive us all insane.
43
00:01:38,566 --> 00:01:39,264
(ALL SHOUTING AT ONCE)
44
00:01:39,266 --> 00:01:41,033
Yeah, we were the family
that yelled and cursed,
45
00:01:41,035 --> 00:01:45,370
but to this day,
we still love each other.
46
00:01:45,605 --> 00:01:47,406
This is my family...
47
00:01:47,408 --> 00:01:50,008
(READING)
48
00:01:50,243 --> 00:01:51,176
It was September 3rd.
49
00:01:51,178 --> 00:01:53,679
It began as a typical morning
in the Goldberg house.
50
00:01:53,681 --> 00:01:57,483
You don't know anything.
He's not too old for me.
51
00:01:57,485 --> 00:01:59,017
He's in college, Erica!
52
00:01:59,019 --> 00:02:01,353
Wrong! He dropped out
to start a band.
53
00:02:01,355 --> 00:02:02,688
Don't you feel
stupid now?
54
00:02:02,690 --> 00:02:06,191
Mom, they don't zip!
Can you help me with this?
55
00:02:06,193 --> 00:02:07,860
Oh! Look at you!
56
00:02:07,862 --> 00:02:11,997
Oh, why go shopping
when your sister's jeans
fit you so perfectly?
57
00:02:11,999 --> 00:02:13,465
Fit me perfectly?
They're horrible!
58
00:02:13,467 --> 00:02:16,068
They're roomy in the hips
and tight in the front.
59
00:02:16,070 --> 00:02:17,870
I look like
Brooke Shields.
60
00:02:17,872 --> 00:02:18,670
And she's beautiful.
61
00:02:18,672 --> 00:02:23,175
Look, you need to be grateful,
because one day I won't be
here to help dress you.
62
00:02:23,177 --> 00:02:25,344
You keep saying that,
but when? God.
63
00:02:25,346 --> 00:02:28,113
ADAM: As always, my mom began
the day by dressing us,
64
00:02:28,115 --> 00:02:31,650
feeding us, and ignoring
any sense of human boundaries.
65
00:02:31,652 --> 00:02:32,818
(SINGSONGY)
Where's my baby?
66
00:02:32,820 --> 00:02:34,520
(GASPS)
(CURTAIN RINGS SWOOSH)
67
00:02:34,522 --> 00:02:35,554
Happy birthday!
68
00:02:35,556 --> 00:02:38,490
(NORMAL VOICE) What do you
want for breakfast?
Privacy!
69
00:02:38,492 --> 00:02:40,392
Oh, please.
70
00:02:40,394 --> 00:02:42,027
Don't forget to wash
your bottom.
71
00:02:42,029 --> 00:02:44,096
ADAM: Barry was in
a rare good mood.
72
00:02:44,098 --> 00:02:44,997
He was turning 16,
73
00:02:44,999 --> 00:02:48,033
a day he'd been
waiting for his whole life.
74
00:02:48,035 --> 00:02:49,768
(RATTLES)
It's jingling.
75
00:02:49,770 --> 00:02:51,837
It's keys!
Keys means car!
76
00:02:51,839 --> 00:02:53,906
Car means freedom
from all you monsters!
77
00:02:53,908 --> 00:02:55,140
I love you, mom.
78
00:02:55,142 --> 00:02:56,742
(WRAPPING PAPER RUSTLES)
79
00:02:56,744 --> 00:02:58,377
(BOX LID CLATTERS)
80
00:02:58,545 --> 00:03:00,078
What the hell is this?
81
00:03:00,080 --> 00:03:00,913
It's a locket.
82
00:03:00,915 --> 00:03:07,486
It's got my picture inside
so you can always have
your mother near your heart.
83
00:03:08,254 --> 00:03:10,189
Sweetie, you're just
not ready to drive.
84
00:03:10,191 --> 00:03:14,326
You're too immature,
and quite honestly,
a little high strung.
85
00:03:14,328 --> 00:03:15,360
I am not high strung!
86
00:03:15,362 --> 00:03:17,696
I'm strung just fine,
like a tennis racket
or a banjo. I...
87
00:03:17,698 --> 00:03:21,900
You know, I think it's great,
'cause all the cool guys
in my grade,
88
00:03:21,902 --> 00:03:23,101
they have
mom lockets.
89
00:03:23,103 --> 00:03:24,136
Hey!
All of 'em.
(SNICKERS)
90
00:03:24,138 --> 00:03:25,804
Don't poke the bear,
all right?
91
00:03:25,806 --> 00:03:28,507
You don't wanna wear it?
Fine.
92
00:03:28,509 --> 00:03:29,808
I'll throw it
in the trash.
93
00:03:29,810 --> 00:03:31,376
Go ahead. Do it.
Here I go.
94
00:03:31,378 --> 00:03:32,544
Going to the trash.
Do it. Go ahead.
95
00:03:32,546 --> 00:03:34,780
Gonna go in
the garbage.
Mm-hmm.
96
00:03:34,782 --> 00:03:36,114
(CHAIN JANGLES)
97
00:03:36,116 --> 00:03:37,382
Unbelievable!
98
00:03:37,384 --> 00:03:39,751
You were gonna let me
throw this in the trash?
99
00:03:39,753 --> 00:03:41,220
Totally irresponsible.
You're not driving.
100
00:03:41,222 --> 00:03:43,655
Oh, god. Dad, please talk
some sense into your wife.
101
00:03:43,657 --> 00:03:46,191
She's saying some
pretty controversial
things over there.
102
00:03:46,193 --> 00:03:49,494
I agree with
whatever nonsense
your mother just said.
103
00:03:49,496 --> 00:03:52,130
Come on.
This is not fair!
104
00:03:52,132 --> 00:03:54,967
Who the hell told you
life was fair, you moron?
105
00:03:54,969 --> 00:03:57,603
ADAM: Dad's colorful
way of speaking
may seem a bit harsh.
106
00:03:57,605 --> 00:04:00,906
It really wasn't.
You just had to learn
how to speak "Murray."
107
00:04:00,908 --> 00:04:05,077
It's 2:00 a.m.
I thought you were dead!
108
00:04:05,079 --> 00:04:06,678
I could kill you!
109
00:04:06,680 --> 00:04:08,680
(BELL DINGS)
110
00:04:08,682 --> 00:04:09,214
(CLICK)
111
00:04:09,216 --> 00:04:11,750
You broke it?
It's amazing.
112
00:04:11,752 --> 00:04:14,553
You little bastards
ruin everything.
113
00:04:14,555 --> 00:04:16,622
(BELL DINGS)
114
00:04:18,191 --> 00:04:22,361
For someone so smart,
you sure act like an idiot.
115
00:04:22,363 --> 00:04:24,296
(BELL DINGS)
116
00:04:25,198 --> 00:04:28,166
All right,
stop your pouting.
117
00:04:28,168 --> 00:04:29,067
I got you something,
118
00:04:29,069 --> 00:04:31,670
and I think
you're gonna like it.
119
00:04:32,205 --> 00:04:34,840
(WRAPPING PAPER RUSTLES)
120
00:04:36,843 --> 00:04:39,978
REO Speedwagon?
This is top 40!
121
00:04:39,980 --> 00:04:44,383
You don't know me at all!
I'm into rap,
the poetry of the streets!
122
00:04:44,385 --> 00:04:45,584
Come on!
No, no, no.
123
00:04:45,586 --> 00:04:47,486
I talked to the guy
at Sam Goody.
124
00:04:47,488 --> 00:04:48,253
He said it was
a hip track.
125
00:04:48,255 --> 00:04:51,256
Well, did you talk
to Sam Goody himself? Huh?
126
00:04:51,258 --> 00:04:53,859
Did you? No. you talked
to a random jagoff
127
00:04:53,861 --> 00:04:55,260
who knows nothing
about real music.
128
00:04:55,262 --> 00:04:58,163
You weren't there, okay?
The guy had an earring.
129
00:04:58,165 --> 00:05:01,466
He had a jean jacket
covered in buttons! Covered!
130
00:05:01,468 --> 00:05:03,902
(CHAIR SCRAPES FLOOR)
Don't get your father
all worked up.
131
00:05:03,904 --> 00:05:05,437
I'm already
all worked up.
Honey.
132
00:05:05,439 --> 00:05:07,272
Breathe.
Calm down. Breathe,
breathe. I'm breathing.
133
00:05:07,274 --> 00:05:08,974
I'm breathing, okay?
You're killing your father.
134
00:05:08,976 --> 00:05:11,576
I hope you're having
a happy birthday.
(EXHALES)
135
00:05:11,578 --> 00:05:12,044
(HORN HONKS)
136
00:05:12,046 --> 00:05:13,578
BEREVRLY: Remember what
Dr. Hong said.
I know what Hong said!
137
00:05:13,580 --> 00:05:16,915
ADAM: Barry had
one last visitor,
my grandfather, Pops.
138
00:05:16,917 --> 00:05:18,517
He was 80 years
of pure awesome.
139
00:05:18,519 --> 00:05:22,788
I hear someone turned 16
and could use a new car.
140
00:05:22,790 --> 00:05:24,222
Holy crap! For me?
141
00:05:24,224 --> 00:05:25,957
I don't love you
that much.
142
00:05:25,959 --> 00:05:28,460
This baby's mine.
You get my old one.
143
00:05:28,462 --> 00:05:31,797
Yes!
No! I didn't get a car
when I turned 16.
144
00:05:31,799 --> 00:05:32,964
What do you need
a car for?
145
00:05:32,966 --> 00:05:37,436
With your looks, you can get
a ride from any boy in town.
146
00:05:37,438 --> 00:05:39,037
Here you go.
147
00:05:39,039 --> 00:05:39,805
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS)
148
00:05:39,807 --> 00:05:43,008
ADAM: It was the moment
Barry had waited for
his whole life.
149
00:05:43,010 --> 00:05:47,813
Those keys meant freedom,
and no man could stop him.
150
00:05:47,815 --> 00:05:50,182
(MUSIC WARPS TO A STOP)
151
00:05:50,184 --> 00:05:51,049
But my mom could.
152
00:05:51,051 --> 00:05:53,985
Not gonna happen, dad.
We've decided
Barry can't drive.
153
00:05:53,987 --> 00:05:57,155
BARRY: What?
So Barry has a car
and no license,
154
00:05:57,157 --> 00:05:59,758
and I have a license
and no car.
155
00:05:59,760 --> 00:06:00,592
That makes no sense.
156
00:06:00,594 --> 00:06:02,027
You know what else
makes no sense?
157
00:06:02,029 --> 00:06:05,030
Those peach wine coolers
I found hiding in your closet.
158
00:06:05,032 --> 00:06:07,265
Yeah.
I'm everywhere.
159
00:06:07,267 --> 00:06:09,568
This is the worst
birthday ever!
160
00:06:09,570 --> 00:06:13,305
The only one who
understands me
is Flavor Flav.
161
00:06:16,843 --> 00:06:17,442
Who runs like that?
162
00:06:17,444 --> 00:06:20,645
And what, we having
a drag race?
What's with the bird car?
163
00:06:20,647 --> 00:06:22,981
Oh, my father thinks
he's Burt Reynolds.
164
00:06:22,983 --> 00:06:26,084
The sexiest man alive?
Yes, I do.
165
00:06:26,086 --> 00:06:28,987
Hey, kiddo, pick you up
after school?
166
00:06:28,989 --> 00:06:31,690
Um, we're going to the Y
to do some water aerobics.
167
00:06:31,692 --> 00:06:34,226
It's good for
his circulation.
168
00:06:34,228 --> 00:06:35,994
ADAM:
Swimming was just our cover.
169
00:06:35,996 --> 00:06:37,662
Pops really took me
to the House of Waffles
170
00:06:37,664 --> 00:06:39,564
to teach me
the finer things in life.
171
00:06:39,566 --> 00:06:42,534
And you can't just go in
and honk 'em.
172
00:06:42,536 --> 00:06:44,503
It's all about
the cuppage.
173
00:06:44,505 --> 00:06:47,606
Be gentle.
Those puppies are sensitive.
174
00:06:47,608 --> 00:06:50,275
I just wanna
bury my face in 'em.
175
00:06:50,277 --> 00:06:53,378
We all do,
but you gotta earn it.
176
00:06:53,713 --> 00:06:54,813
Speaking of,
177
00:06:54,815 --> 00:06:58,683
where are we
on Operation Waffle Girl?
178
00:07:02,755 --> 00:07:05,757
ADAM: Her name was
Zoe Macintosh.
179
00:07:05,759 --> 00:07:07,492
She was
the complete package.
180
00:07:07,494 --> 00:07:13,031
Beautiful, older, and her dad
was our family podiatrist.
181
00:07:13,033 --> 00:07:13,765
Okay.
182
00:07:13,767 --> 00:07:15,700
Last week,
we told her your name.
183
00:07:15,702 --> 00:07:17,068
Let's see if it stuck.
184
00:07:17,070 --> 00:07:19,404
Oh, Miss?
Could you top me off?
185
00:07:19,406 --> 00:07:22,174
(LOWERED VOICE) No, no, Pops,
too ballsy. Pops, stop.
186
00:07:22,176 --> 00:07:25,577
No, no, we can't do this.
I'm not ready!
187
00:07:26,179 --> 00:07:27,979
(DEEP VOICE)
'Sup, girl?
188
00:07:28,815 --> 00:07:31,216
(NORMAL VOICE)
The check, please.
189
00:07:31,218 --> 00:07:32,818
You got it, Alan.
190
00:07:32,820 --> 00:07:35,287
Did you hear that?
She just called me "Alan"!
191
00:07:35,289 --> 00:07:36,054
That's not your name.
192
00:07:36,056 --> 00:07:39,257
I'll change it.
I'm Alan now.
Pops, you're a genius.
193
00:07:39,259 --> 00:07:41,359
Thank you, Jedi Master.
194
00:07:41,361 --> 00:07:43,628
(IMITATING
LIGHTSABER WHOOSHING)
195
00:07:45,998 --> 00:07:48,934
You're not making
this easy, kid.
196
00:07:48,936 --> 00:07:50,068
Sorry.
197
00:07:50,070 --> 00:07:50,535
(WHOOSHING)
198
00:07:50,537 --> 00:07:51,803
You're like my own personal
Obi-Wan Kenobi,
199
00:07:51,805 --> 00:07:56,174
but instead of the force,
you're teaching me
how to get freaky.
200
00:07:56,176 --> 00:07:57,909
Who's Oboe Cannoli?
201
00:07:57,911 --> 00:07:59,211
Is that Barry?
202
00:07:59,213 --> 00:08:01,213
Barry, what are you doing?
203
00:08:01,215 --> 00:08:02,247
Eating day-old doughnuts.
204
00:08:02,249 --> 00:08:04,816
My friend Terrance,
he's the manager.
205
00:08:04,818 --> 00:08:06,751
He leaves 'em
out back for me.
206
00:08:06,753 --> 00:08:07,219
Why?
207
00:08:07,221 --> 00:08:09,888
It's called eating
your feelings, assbag!
208
00:08:09,890 --> 00:08:12,491
Mom's gonna walk me
to the bus till I'm 40,
all right?
209
00:08:12,493 --> 00:08:13,692
Put down
the garbage cruller.
210
00:08:13,694 --> 00:08:18,964
I'm gonna figure out a way
to get you that license
and my car.
211
00:08:18,966 --> 00:08:21,099
Come on.
Really?
212
00:08:21,901 --> 00:08:25,804
ADAM: As we cruised
in Pops' new ride,
we felt like kings.
213
00:08:25,806 --> 00:08:29,007
It didn't matter that my mom
said Barry couldn't drive.
214
00:08:29,009 --> 00:08:30,008
Our grandfather
would fix that.
215
00:08:30,010 --> 00:08:33,311
He was always
cooking up a plan in
that brilliant mind of his.
216
00:08:33,313 --> 00:08:37,816
All right, Pops,
you said you had a plan.
Whatchu thinkin'?
217
00:08:37,818 --> 00:08:39,818
Uh... Uh...
218
00:08:39,820 --> 00:08:41,553
Pops, you okay?
219
00:08:41,555 --> 00:08:44,256
(TIRES SCREECH)
220
00:08:44,657 --> 00:08:45,924
Aah!
221
00:08:45,926 --> 00:08:48,126
(LOUD CLATTER)
222
00:08:51,364 --> 00:08:52,497
(COUGHS)
223
00:08:52,499 --> 00:08:54,099
(ENGINE HISSING)
224
00:08:54,101 --> 00:08:56,368
ADAM: Okay, his mind
wasn't what it used to be,
225
00:08:56,370 --> 00:08:58,837
but his appetite still was.
226
00:08:58,839 --> 00:09:00,805
So who wants nuggets?
227
00:09:03,543 --> 00:09:06,077
ADAM: Pops was booked
with reckless endangerment,
228
00:09:06,079 --> 00:09:08,580
and we were all thrown
behind bars...
229
00:09:08,582 --> 00:09:10,682
That is until
our mom arrived.
230
00:09:10,684 --> 00:09:11,883
Are you proud of yourself?
231
00:09:11,885 --> 00:09:13,685
Locking up an old man
and two little boys?
232
00:09:13,687 --> 00:09:17,556
ADAM: God help the poor soul
who tried to push us around.
233
00:09:17,558 --> 00:09:18,323
That... Was her job.
234
00:09:18,325 --> 00:09:22,027
Memorize this face,
because it is gonna haunt
your dreams, sir.
235
00:09:22,029 --> 00:09:26,932
It is gonna haunt
your (BLEEP) dreams!
236
00:09:27,433 --> 00:09:28,133
Are you guys okay?
237
00:09:28,135 --> 00:09:31,836
No, I'm not okay!
Barry took a dump
in front of us!
238
00:09:31,838 --> 00:09:33,405
I had to go!
239
00:09:34,774 --> 00:09:36,641
It was bad.
240
00:09:40,613 --> 00:09:42,213
I'm telling you,
it wasn't my fault.
241
00:09:42,215 --> 00:09:47,185
ADAM: The next morning,
mom lowered the boom
and took Pops' keys.
242
00:09:47,187 --> 00:09:48,486
I'm not one
of your kids, Bev.
243
00:09:48,488 --> 00:09:51,923
You can't boss me around.
I do the bossing!
244
00:09:51,925 --> 00:09:53,858
Dad, I'm just trying
to help you.
245
00:09:53,860 --> 00:09:55,360
Your mind is not
what it used to be.
246
00:09:55,362 --> 00:09:57,195
ADAM: As always, the neighbors
came out to watch.
247
00:09:57,197 --> 00:10:01,800
Oh, hello, Gina!
Why don't you take a picture?
It'll last longer!
248
00:10:01,802 --> 00:10:05,036
ADAM: For the record, Gina,
that's my mom's best friend.
249
00:10:05,038 --> 00:10:06,137
Uh, can I go now?
250
00:10:06,139 --> 00:10:07,205
I've got a date
with Shirley Nagel.
251
00:10:07,207 --> 00:10:11,343
She's got 12 grandkids,
so you know she puts out.
252
00:10:11,345 --> 00:10:13,945
Cut the crap,
Albert, okay? Cut it!
253
00:10:13,947 --> 00:10:18,183
It's all life.
You lose your keys,
Barry gets some keys.
254
00:10:18,185 --> 00:10:19,684
It's the...
Circle of driving.
255
00:10:19,686 --> 00:10:23,822
Looks like I better
get on home
and take this all in.
256
00:10:23,824 --> 00:10:26,057
Can I have the keys?
No!
257
00:10:26,059 --> 00:10:27,392
You're out of my will!
258
00:10:27,394 --> 00:10:28,860
You're out of my will!
259
00:10:28,862 --> 00:10:31,196
That's right!
We'll see who croaks first!
260
00:10:31,198 --> 00:10:32,564
BARRY:
Wait. Wait, wait, wait.
261
00:10:32,566 --> 00:10:33,999
Does this mean I can drive?
262
00:10:34,001 --> 00:10:34,699
No!
Yes!
263
00:10:34,701 --> 00:10:38,970
Yeah, hon, I said Barry
was not ready, and you agreed.
264
00:10:38,972 --> 00:10:41,072
In my defense,
I wasn't listening.
265
00:10:41,074 --> 00:10:43,375
ADAM: Whenever my dad
disagreed with my mom,
266
00:10:43,377 --> 00:10:45,010
this would happen
five minutes later.
267
00:10:45,012 --> 00:10:48,880
Who watches Adam sleep
in case his asthma kicks in?
268
00:10:48,882 --> 00:10:49,414
Me.
269
00:10:49,416 --> 00:10:50,515
ADAM: She'd guilt him
into submission.
270
00:10:50,517 --> 00:10:55,286
Who bought the family
a new hamster because
you sat on Herbie?
271
00:10:55,288 --> 00:10:55,687
Me.
272
00:10:55,689 --> 00:10:56,921
ADAM:
But not this time.
273
00:10:56,923 --> 00:10:59,591
See, my dad always had
a soft spot for Barry,
274
00:10:59,593 --> 00:11:00,659
so he decided
to help the kid.
275
00:11:00,661 --> 00:11:03,228
I do all the dirty work
that you don't wanna do.
276
00:11:03,230 --> 00:11:05,897
Bevy, you live
for those things,
277
00:11:05,899 --> 00:11:07,599
and now that the kids
are growing older,
278
00:11:07,601 --> 00:11:09,768
your whole world
is falling apart.
279
00:11:09,770 --> 00:11:12,270
My world is fine,
thank you very much.
280
00:11:12,272 --> 00:11:12,837
Okay.
281
00:11:12,839 --> 00:11:14,572
If you got no problem
letting go,
282
00:11:14,574 --> 00:11:17,809
then I'm gonna take Barry
for a driving lesson.
283
00:11:17,811 --> 00:11:18,410
(SCOFFS)
284
00:11:18,412 --> 00:11:22,180
Ho-ho-ho! You two stuck
in the same car together?
285
00:11:22,182 --> 00:11:24,549
That'll go well.
Good luck not flipping out.
286
00:11:24,551 --> 00:11:28,053
I don't need luck.
I'm gonna teach him good.
287
00:11:28,055 --> 00:11:30,221
I'm gonna parent
the (BLEEP) out of him.
288
00:11:30,223 --> 00:11:33,825
Barry! Daddy's gonna
teach you how to drive!
289
00:11:33,827 --> 00:11:35,126
Seriously?
290
00:11:35,128 --> 00:11:37,062
Uh-huh!
Okay.
291
00:11:37,064 --> 00:11:39,631
(GRUNTING RHYTHMICALLY)
292
00:11:39,699 --> 00:11:42,367
♪ Yeah, that's right,
Barry's drivin' ♪
293
00:11:42,369 --> 00:11:44,602
Unreal. I raised a moron.
294
00:11:44,604 --> 00:11:46,404
(BELL DINGS)
295
00:11:46,406 --> 00:11:49,441
ADAM: My dad was determined
to do the impossible...
296
00:11:49,443 --> 00:11:50,108
Not yell.
297
00:11:50,110 --> 00:11:52,944
Just stop screaming,
please!
Listen! Listen to me!
298
00:11:52,946 --> 00:11:53,712
Okay?
God!
299
00:11:53,714 --> 00:11:55,613
The brakes!
You're riding
the brake!
300
00:11:55,615 --> 00:11:57,916
You've gotta put your foot
on the gas sometime!
301
00:11:57,918 --> 00:11:59,451
You're going
so slow!
(HORN HONKS)
302
00:11:59,453 --> 00:12:00,351
Let him pass!
Who?
303
00:12:00,353 --> 00:12:02,520
The guy on the moped!
Let him pass!
304
00:12:02,522 --> 00:12:04,489
Go ahead!
Go ahead, okay.
Let him pass!
305
00:12:04,491 --> 00:12:05,323
(HORN HONKS)
306
00:12:05,325 --> 00:12:06,725
All right?
(MOPED MOTOR REVS)
307
00:12:06,727 --> 00:12:08,393
Now we're going
to make a right.
308
00:12:08,395 --> 00:12:12,363
Before we get to the right,
turn on your signal.
309
00:12:12,498 --> 00:12:13,732
(CLICK)
310
00:12:13,734 --> 00:12:14,299
Not the wiper.
311
00:12:14,301 --> 00:12:17,102
It's just smearing
everything around!
What is this?
312
00:12:17,104 --> 00:12:17,969
Come on.
Oh, my god.
313
00:12:17,971 --> 00:12:19,270
You gotta let me
out of this car, man.
314
00:12:19,272 --> 00:12:20,472
I can't die before
I cop a feel!
315
00:12:20,474 --> 00:12:23,641
Shut up, okay? You wanna die?
I'll kill you right now! Huh?
316
00:12:23,643 --> 00:12:25,376
Hey! I'll kill
both of you!
317
00:12:25,378 --> 00:12:28,546
Do not hit the child
in the back.
318
00:12:28,548 --> 00:12:29,914
That's way too advanced.
319
00:12:29,916 --> 00:12:30,482
Too advanced!
320
00:12:30,484 --> 00:12:33,685
Turn off the wipers.
Make a "U."
We're going home.
321
00:12:33,687 --> 00:12:34,652
Home? No, no!
322
00:12:34,654 --> 00:12:36,321
This is my one chance
to get my license,
323
00:12:36,323 --> 00:12:38,790
and I'm getting it,
all right?
You blew it!
324
00:12:38,792 --> 00:12:39,891
Stop the car!
325
00:12:39,893 --> 00:12:41,292
(BRAKES SQUEAL)
326
00:12:41,294 --> 00:12:42,894
(GEARS SHIFT)
327
00:12:43,229 --> 00:12:44,662
What are you doing?
328
00:12:44,664 --> 00:12:45,363
(HORN HONKS)
329
00:12:45,365 --> 00:12:48,666
Go around!
My son's a moron.
330
00:12:48,668 --> 00:12:51,202
Go around!
Just go! He's a moron!
331
00:12:51,204 --> 00:12:53,004
Get out.
I'm taking the wheel.
No!
332
00:12:53,006 --> 00:12:54,906
No. you said
it was my turn.
333
00:12:54,908 --> 00:12:56,341
Circle of driving.
334
00:12:56,343 --> 00:12:58,309
Open up!
Open up!
No! No!
335
00:12:58,311 --> 00:12:59,778
Open up!
No!
336
00:12:59,780 --> 00:13:03,014
No! No! No! No!
337
00:13:03,115 --> 00:13:06,117
Ah! You can't stay
in there forever.
338
00:13:06,786 --> 00:13:07,318
(HORNS HONKING)
339
00:13:07,320 --> 00:13:11,456
ADAM: Forever? No.
But 20 minutes? Absolutely.
340
00:13:11,458 --> 00:13:14,759
Barry, the cop just said
he's gonna tow the car!
341
00:13:14,761 --> 00:13:16,494
Well, I would, too!
342
00:13:16,496 --> 00:13:16,961
God!
343
00:13:16,963 --> 00:13:20,565
ADAM: And then things
went from bad to worse.
344
00:13:20,633 --> 00:13:22,767
My mom arrived.
345
00:13:24,103 --> 00:13:24,736
Who called her?
346
00:13:24,738 --> 00:13:27,572
ADAM: I'll give you a hint.
It was me.
347
00:13:27,574 --> 00:13:29,374
Barry! Open up.
348
00:13:29,376 --> 00:13:33,511
Get out! Get out now!
Get out! Get out!
349
00:13:36,115 --> 00:13:37,615
Let me in!
Let me in!
350
00:13:37,617 --> 00:13:39,350
You're not gonna
get punished. Come on!
351
00:13:39,352 --> 00:13:40,151
We'll go for pizza!
352
00:13:40,153 --> 00:13:41,986
You wanna go for pizza?
Ice cream, too?
353
00:13:41,988 --> 00:13:43,454
Let me in!
Let me in!
354
00:13:43,456 --> 00:13:45,790
So this is what happens
when you're in charge, huh?
355
00:13:45,792 --> 00:13:48,726
(HORN HONKS,
MAN SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)
City-wide traffic jam?
356
00:13:48,728 --> 00:13:50,762
Whose world
is falling apart now?
357
00:13:50,764 --> 00:13:51,596
MAN: Move the car!
Shut up!
358
00:13:51,598 --> 00:13:56,701
(EXHALES LOUDLY) Albert,
these kids adore you.
359
00:13:56,703 --> 00:13:58,169
Talk to the boy.
360
00:13:58,171 --> 00:13:59,771
Absolutely.
361
00:13:59,773 --> 00:14:02,373
Fight the power, Barry!
You can drive!
362
00:14:02,375 --> 00:14:03,675
It's a god-given right!
363
00:14:03,677 --> 00:14:05,443
ADAM: In that moment,
my dad expected my mom
364
00:14:05,445 --> 00:14:08,880
to go nuclear, but then
she did something even worse.
365
00:14:08,882 --> 00:14:11,115
This is your mess.
You clean it up.
366
00:14:11,117 --> 00:14:14,853
ADAM: She left him
in charge of Barry.
367
00:14:14,855 --> 00:14:19,924
I regret nothing!
368
00:14:26,732 --> 00:14:29,367
ADAM: In all the chaos,
Pops and I were able
to sneak out
369
00:14:29,369 --> 00:14:32,303
to work on
Operation Waffle Girl.
370
00:14:32,305 --> 00:14:34,038
Welcome back, boys.
What'll it be?
371
00:14:34,040 --> 00:14:36,374
I don't know.
What do you think, Alan?
372
00:14:36,376 --> 00:14:40,144
Let's pull the trigger.
Two Monte Cristos,
all the trimmings.
373
00:14:40,146 --> 00:14:40,945
(CLEARS THROAT)
374
00:14:40,947 --> 00:14:42,046
All that fried
meat and cheese?
375
00:14:42,048 --> 00:14:45,183
Mom?
You're gonna be on
the bowl for hours.
376
00:14:45,185 --> 00:14:47,118
Mom! Leave now! Go!
377
00:14:47,120 --> 00:14:48,987
(NERVOUSLY)
I'll come back.
378
00:14:48,989 --> 00:14:51,489
(SINGSONGY)
Oh, I see what's going on.
379
00:14:51,491 --> 00:14:53,458
Someone has a crush.
(CHUCKLES)
380
00:14:53,460 --> 00:14:56,561
(NORMAL VOICE)
So adorable.
Not gonna happen.
381
00:14:56,563 --> 00:14:57,428
Excuse me?
Here we go.
382
00:14:57,430 --> 00:14:58,997
Well, I have to draw
the line somewhere.
383
00:14:58,999 --> 00:15:02,233
Erica's rushing off
to college,
Barry wants to drive,
384
00:15:02,235 --> 00:15:04,435
and now
you wanna date?
385
00:15:04,437 --> 00:15:06,738
You still play
with toy robots!
386
00:15:06,740 --> 00:15:07,872
They're GoBots!
387
00:15:07,874 --> 00:15:10,008
And one day,
they'll be worth millions.
388
00:15:10,010 --> 00:15:10,842
ADAM: They weren't.
389
00:15:10,844 --> 00:15:13,144
Baby, you're
not ready for girls.
390
00:15:13,146 --> 00:15:15,213
You don't even
have pit hair.
391
00:15:15,215 --> 00:15:16,281
I have three.
392
00:15:16,283 --> 00:15:16,915
ADAM: I didn't.
393
00:15:16,917 --> 00:15:17,949
Dad, how could you
encourage this?
394
00:15:17,951 --> 00:15:21,486
'Cause he's in sixth grade.
Loosen your damn grip, Bev.
395
00:15:21,488 --> 00:15:24,222
Yeah! I'm a man now!
A man with needs,
396
00:15:24,224 --> 00:15:27,125
and I need Zoe
and her sweet,
delicate boobs,
397
00:15:27,127 --> 00:15:29,627
and you can't stop me.
398
00:15:31,497 --> 00:15:33,097
(HUFFS)
399
00:15:36,435 --> 00:15:38,603
You're out of my will!
400
00:15:40,973 --> 00:15:43,207
Whatever that means!
401
00:15:44,009 --> 00:15:45,343
This is your fault,
you know.
402
00:15:45,345 --> 00:15:47,211
If I knew that's why
you drove him here,
403
00:15:47,213 --> 00:15:48,980
I never would've
allowed it.
404
00:15:48,982 --> 00:15:51,382
You wanna know why I won't
give up my license, Bev?
405
00:15:51,384 --> 00:15:55,386
You wanna get
with Shirley Nagel.
Yes, we get it.
406
00:15:55,388 --> 00:15:57,488
Shirley Nagel.
Are you kidding me?
407
00:15:57,490 --> 00:15:58,890
I got that locked down.
408
00:15:58,892 --> 00:16:00,224
But if you take away
my car,
409
00:16:00,226 --> 00:16:03,227
you take away my time
with my grandson.
410
00:16:03,229 --> 00:16:05,196
Getting waffles
with that little guy,
411
00:16:05,198 --> 00:16:07,899
it's the best part
of my week.
412
00:16:09,234 --> 00:16:10,802
Oh, dad.
413
00:16:11,437 --> 00:16:13,404
I didn't know that.
414
00:16:13,406 --> 00:16:17,208
You'll make it right, Bev.
I know you will.
415
00:16:20,512 --> 00:16:22,280
ADAM: As my mom realized
she had to let go,
416
00:16:22,282 --> 00:16:26,551
my dad decided it was time
to get more involved.
417
00:16:26,719 --> 00:16:28,219
I guess you
were right, okay?
418
00:16:28,221 --> 00:16:30,555
Looks like
I'll never drive.
419
00:16:31,156 --> 00:16:34,392
Any dummy
can learn to drive,
420
00:16:34,394 --> 00:16:36,561
even a dummy like you.
421
00:16:36,563 --> 00:16:38,096
Come on, dad.
422
00:16:38,098 --> 00:16:40,098
You got me
an REO Speedwagon tape.
423
00:16:40,100 --> 00:16:42,066
You don't know
anything about me.
424
00:16:42,068 --> 00:16:43,668
Trust me. I do.
425
00:16:43,670 --> 00:16:47,739
I know you go through life
feeling all angry,
426
00:16:47,741 --> 00:16:50,375
let down, misunderstood.
427
00:16:50,776 --> 00:16:52,343
I get it.
428
00:16:52,345 --> 00:16:55,380
Wow. That's... Yeah.
429
00:16:55,382 --> 00:16:58,149
Do you ever cry
into your pillow?
430
00:16:58,151 --> 00:16:59,150
No, I don't cry
into my pillow.
431
00:16:59,152 --> 00:17:02,720
Who cries
in their pillow?
Not me. I don't.
432
00:17:03,689 --> 00:17:04,856
Here's what I'm gonna do.
433
00:17:04,858 --> 00:17:07,492
I'm gonna talk to your mom
and tell her
434
00:17:07,494 --> 00:17:10,028
that she's gotta let you
get your driver's license.
435
00:17:10,030 --> 00:17:10,895
Really?
Yes.
436
00:17:10,897 --> 00:17:13,965
Thank you, and can you also
convince her to get a hobby?
437
00:17:13,967 --> 00:17:15,900
Knitting, break dancing.
I know, I know.
438
00:17:15,902 --> 00:17:18,002
Anything besides us.
Yes.
439
00:17:18,004 --> 00:17:18,970
I'm working on it, kid.
440
00:17:18,972 --> 00:17:22,340
ADAM: Turns out
our dad did have
a good heart after all.
441
00:17:22,342 --> 00:17:24,509
He just had to open it up
once in a while.
442
00:17:24,511 --> 00:17:28,446
You know what?
I don't say it a lot, but...
443
00:17:28,914 --> 00:17:31,916
You're not a total moron
all the time.
444
00:17:32,217 --> 00:17:34,018
(BELL DINGS)
445
00:17:34,186 --> 00:17:37,055
(HORN HONKS, ENGINE RUMBLES)
446
00:17:37,790 --> 00:17:38,990
Can I drive?
447
00:17:38,992 --> 00:17:40,358
(BRAKES SQUEAL)
448
00:17:40,360 --> 00:17:41,659
No!
449
00:17:43,829 --> 00:17:46,497
Oh, come on.
Not REO Speedwagon.
(TAPE PLAYER CLICKS)
450
00:17:46,499 --> 00:17:51,302
Seriously?
Hey, this is
good stuff, okay?
451
00:17:51,304 --> 00:17:53,104
I've been listening to it.
452
00:17:53,106 --> 00:17:53,704
(HUMMING ALONG)
453
00:17:53,706 --> 00:17:58,209
♪ And yet I'm still afraid
to let it show
454
00:17:58,744 --> 00:18:01,846
♪ What started out
as friendship
455
00:18:01,848 --> 00:18:04,182
♪ Has grown stronger
456
00:18:04,184 --> 00:18:04,649
Come on.
457
00:18:04,651 --> 00:18:09,520
♪ ...had the strength
to let it show
458
00:18:09,522 --> 00:18:10,988
Here we go! Join me.
459
00:18:10,990 --> 00:18:16,861
♪ And I can't stop
this feeling anymore
460
00:18:16,863 --> 00:18:17,962
♪ I've forgotten
461
00:18:17,964 --> 00:18:22,166
(BOTH)
♪ What I started
fighting for
462
00:18:22,168 --> 00:18:23,034
Look at you!
463
00:18:23,036 --> 00:18:27,505
♪ It's time to bring
this ship into the shore
464
00:18:27,507 --> 00:18:30,475
♪ And throw away the oars
465
00:18:30,477 --> 00:18:32,477
♪ Forever
466
00:18:34,813 --> 00:18:40,885
♪ 'Cause I can't fight
this feeling anymore
467
00:18:40,887 --> 00:18:46,357
♪ I've forgotten
what I started fighting for ♪
468
00:18:46,359 --> 00:18:48,993
What are you, uh, doing?
469
00:18:49,461 --> 00:18:51,229
Nothing.
470
00:18:51,964 --> 00:18:54,265
Those the kids'
baby blankets?
471
00:18:54,500 --> 00:18:56,134
You got me. I...
472
00:18:56,136 --> 00:18:57,869
Sometimes I smell 'em
when I feel sad.
473
00:18:57,871 --> 00:18:59,270
That's not weird, is it?
474
00:18:59,272 --> 00:19:01,739
Well, little weird.
475
00:19:06,211 --> 00:19:07,612
Yeah.
476
00:19:07,614 --> 00:19:08,446
My world is caving in.
477
00:19:08,448 --> 00:19:10,548
I mean, I've given
those kids everything,
478
00:19:10,550 --> 00:19:13,684
and now that, uh,
they're growing up
479
00:19:13,686 --> 00:19:17,555
and don't need me as much,
what do I have?
480
00:19:17,557 --> 00:19:20,591
Me. I'm not going anywhere.
481
00:19:23,629 --> 00:19:27,265
All right,
let me have a... A sniff.
482
00:19:30,903 --> 00:19:36,741
♪ And I can't fight
this feeling anymore
483
00:19:36,743 --> 00:19:43,047
♪ I've forgotten what
I started fighting for
484
00:19:43,049 --> 00:19:48,019
♪ It's time to bring this ship
into the shore
485
00:19:48,021 --> 00:19:54,258
♪ And throw away
the oars forever
486
00:19:54,760 --> 00:19:56,827
♪ 'Cause I can't fight
this feeling... ♪
487
00:19:56,829 --> 00:19:59,964
Forget about the diner.
They just opened this place.
488
00:19:59,966 --> 00:20:01,098
I think you may like it.
489
00:20:01,100 --> 00:20:07,271
♪ I've forgotten what
I started fighting for
490
00:20:07,273 --> 00:20:12,510
♪ It's time to bring
this ship into the shore
491
00:20:12,578 --> 00:20:18,449
♪ And throw away
the oars forever
492
00:20:19,117 --> 00:20:21,452
♪ 'Cause I can't fight
this feeling anymore ♪
493
00:20:21,454 --> 00:20:26,090
ADAM: And with that,
the circle of driving
was finally complete.
494
00:20:26,092 --> 00:20:31,696
♪ I've forgotten what
I started fighting for
495
00:20:31,698 --> 00:20:35,866
♪ And if I had to crawl
upon the floor
496
00:20:35,868 --> 00:20:39,036
♪ Come crashing
through your door ♪
497
00:20:43,508 --> 00:20:45,109
(SIGHS)
498
00:20:45,477 --> 00:20:47,778
I raised a moron.
499
00:20:47,780 --> 00:20:49,513
(BELL DINGS)
500
00:20:49,515 --> 00:20:51,849
(CHUCKLES) Classic.
501
00:20:53,352 --> 00:20:56,120
(CENTERFOLD PLAYING)
502
00:20:56,888 --> 00:20:58,856
♪ Come on
503
00:21:03,195 --> 00:21:05,096
You're aggravating me,
you little bastards!
504
00:21:05,098 --> 00:21:07,765
He's aggravating me,
the little bastard!
505
00:21:07,767 --> 00:21:10,501
The sexiest man alive?
Yes, I do.
506
00:21:10,503 --> 00:21:12,470
Look what I'm
drinking tonight.
507
00:21:12,472 --> 00:21:13,471
Don't forget to wash
your bottom.
508
00:21:13,473 --> 00:21:16,440
I don't believe you.
You're really a jackass.
509
00:21:16,442 --> 00:21:20,211
Stop videotaping!
Get out! Mom!
510
00:21:20,213 --> 00:21:23,147
Stop! I swear...
(ADAM GIGGLES)
511
00:21:23,149 --> 00:21:25,082
(LAUGHS)
512
00:21:26,385 --> 00:21:28,052
Surprise!