1 00:00:00,367 --> 00:00:04,103 Show me "wax on, wax off." 2 00:00:04,105 --> 00:00:05,037 Hyah! 3 00:00:05,039 --> 00:00:09,441 (CENTERFOLD PLAYING) 4 00:00:12,612 --> 00:00:13,912 ADAM: Man, I love the '80s. 5 00:00:13,914 --> 00:00:17,383 It was the age of E.T., Mr. T., and MTV. 6 00:00:17,385 --> 00:00:18,884 Back then, the world was still small... 7 00:00:18,886 --> 00:00:21,520 No cell phones or internet or Twitter. 8 00:00:21,522 --> 00:00:22,755 Your friends lived on your street, 9 00:00:22,757 --> 00:00:26,125 and your family were the people at your dinner table. 10 00:00:26,127 --> 00:00:26,959 (RECORD NEEDLE SCRATCHES) 11 00:00:26,961 --> 00:00:30,262 If you're assuming these smiley, affectionate people are my family, they're not. 12 00:00:30,264 --> 00:00:32,498 We showed our affection in a different way. 13 00:00:32,500 --> 00:00:33,732 Yeah, does this hurt? No, it doesn't hurt. 14 00:00:33,734 --> 00:00:36,802 Erica, not at the table. It doesn't hurt. It doesn't hurt. 15 00:00:36,804 --> 00:00:38,704 MAN: Now this is how I remember the '80s. 16 00:00:38,706 --> 00:00:42,341 There were no parenting blogs or peanut allergies... 17 00:00:42,343 --> 00:00:44,109 Just a whole lot of crazy. 18 00:00:44,111 --> 00:00:45,744 Oh, look at that little geek, right? 19 00:00:45,746 --> 00:00:47,713 Yeah, that's me, Adam Goldberg. 20 00:00:47,715 --> 00:00:50,349 We were the first on our block to get a video camera, 21 00:00:50,351 --> 00:00:53,952 and I used it to record my entire childhood. 22 00:00:53,954 --> 00:00:54,686 (SINGSONGY) I'm home! 23 00:00:54,688 --> 00:00:56,522 The man parking his pants at the front door... 24 00:00:56,524 --> 00:00:59,224 That's my dad, Murray Goldberg. 25 00:00:59,226 --> 00:01:00,459 TV's mine! 26 00:01:00,461 --> 00:01:01,460 Ever since his last heart attack, 27 00:01:01,462 --> 00:01:04,530 he became determined to exercise, eat better, 28 00:01:04,532 --> 00:01:07,099 and not yell so much. It wasn't working. 29 00:01:07,101 --> 00:01:08,133 Stop with the camera! 30 00:01:08,135 --> 00:01:10,202 My super friendly sister Erica... 31 00:01:10,204 --> 00:01:12,604 She loved to talk to people, just not us. 32 00:01:12,606 --> 00:01:15,707 Adam, what the hell? I'm gonna crimp your face! 33 00:01:15,709 --> 00:01:16,208 Mom! 34 00:01:16,210 --> 00:01:21,447 Barry Goldberg, textbook middle child and classic overreactor. 35 00:01:21,449 --> 00:01:23,415 You're a liar, Simon! 36 00:01:23,417 --> 00:01:24,750 You are a liar! 37 00:01:24,752 --> 00:01:26,351 (BUZZING) 38 00:01:26,353 --> 00:01:27,319 Stop videotaping! 39 00:01:27,321 --> 00:01:31,356 And finally, my overbearing smother, Beverly Goldberg, 40 00:01:31,358 --> 00:01:33,859 a homemaker, a ball breaker, 41 00:01:33,861 --> 00:01:35,094 who found the time to stay fit, 42 00:01:35,096 --> 00:01:38,564 raise the kids, and drive us all insane. 43 00:01:38,566 --> 00:01:39,264 (ALL SHOUTING AT ONCE) 44 00:01:39,266 --> 00:01:41,033 Yeah, we were the family that yelled and cursed, 45 00:01:41,035 --> 00:01:45,370 but to this day, we still love each other. 46 00:01:45,605 --> 00:01:47,406 This is my family... 47 00:01:47,408 --> 00:01:50,008 (READING) 48 00:01:50,243 --> 00:01:51,176 It was September 3rd. 49 00:01:51,178 --> 00:01:53,679 It began as a typical morning in the Goldberg house. 50 00:01:53,681 --> 00:01:57,483 You don't know anything. He's not too old for me. 51 00:01:57,485 --> 00:01:59,017 He's in college, Erica! 52 00:01:59,019 --> 00:02:01,353 Wrong! He dropped out to start a band. 53 00:02:01,355 --> 00:02:02,688 Don't you feel stupid now? 54 00:02:02,690 --> 00:02:06,191 Mom, they don't zip! Can you help me with this? 55 00:02:06,193 --> 00:02:07,860 Oh! Look at you! 56 00:02:07,862 --> 00:02:11,997 Oh, why go shopping when your sister's jeans fit you so perfectly? 57 00:02:11,999 --> 00:02:13,465 Fit me perfectly? They're horrible! 58 00:02:13,467 --> 00:02:16,068 They're roomy in the hips and tight in the front. 59 00:02:16,070 --> 00:02:17,870 I look like Brooke Shields. 60 00:02:17,872 --> 00:02:18,670 And she's beautiful. 61 00:02:18,672 --> 00:02:23,175 Look, you need to be grateful, because one day I won't be here to help dress you. 62 00:02:23,177 --> 00:02:25,344 You keep saying that, but when? God. 63 00:02:25,346 --> 00:02:28,113 ADAM: As always, my mom began the day by dressing us, 64 00:02:28,115 --> 00:02:31,650 feeding us, and ignoring any sense of human boundaries. 65 00:02:31,652 --> 00:02:32,818 (SINGSONGY) Where's my baby? 66 00:02:32,820 --> 00:02:34,520 (GASPS) (CURTAIN RINGS SWOOSH) 67 00:02:34,522 --> 00:02:35,554 Happy birthday! 68 00:02:35,556 --> 00:02:38,490 (NORMAL VOICE) What do you want for breakfast? Privacy! 69 00:02:38,492 --> 00:02:40,392 Oh, please. 70 00:02:40,394 --> 00:02:42,027 Don't forget to wash your bottom. 71 00:02:42,029 --> 00:02:44,096 ADAM: Barry was in a rare good mood. 72 00:02:44,098 --> 00:02:44,997 He was turning 16, 73 00:02:44,999 --> 00:02:48,033 a day he'd been waiting for his whole life. 74 00:02:48,035 --> 00:02:49,768 (RATTLES) It's jingling. 75 00:02:49,770 --> 00:02:51,837 It's keys! Keys means car! 76 00:02:51,839 --> 00:02:53,906 Car means freedom from all you monsters! 77 00:02:53,908 --> 00:02:55,140 I love you, mom. 78 00:02:55,142 --> 00:02:56,742 (WRAPPING PAPER RUSTLES) 79 00:02:56,744 --> 00:02:58,377 (BOX LID CLATTERS) 80 00:02:58,545 --> 00:03:00,078 What the hell is this? 81 00:03:00,080 --> 00:03:00,913 It's a locket. 82 00:03:00,915 --> 00:03:07,486 It's got my picture inside so you can always have your mother near your heart. 83 00:03:08,254 --> 00:03:10,189 Sweetie, you're just not ready to drive. 84 00:03:10,191 --> 00:03:14,326 You're too immature, and quite honestly, a little high strung. 85 00:03:14,328 --> 00:03:15,360 I am not high strung! 86 00:03:15,362 --> 00:03:17,696 I'm strung just fine, like a tennis racket or a banjo. I... 87 00:03:17,698 --> 00:03:21,900 You know, I think it's great, 'cause all the cool guys in my grade, 88 00:03:21,902 --> 00:03:23,101 they have mom lockets. 89 00:03:23,103 --> 00:03:24,136 Hey! All of 'em. (SNICKERS) 90 00:03:24,138 --> 00:03:25,804 Don't poke the bear, all right? 91 00:03:25,806 --> 00:03:28,507 You don't wanna wear it? Fine. 92 00:03:28,509 --> 00:03:29,808 I'll throw it in the trash. 93 00:03:29,810 --> 00:03:31,376 Go ahead. Do it. Here I go. 94 00:03:31,378 --> 00:03:32,544 Going to the trash. Do it. Go ahead. 95 00:03:32,546 --> 00:03:34,780 Gonna go in the garbage. Mm-hmm. 96 00:03:34,782 --> 00:03:36,114 (CHAIN JANGLES) 97 00:03:36,116 --> 00:03:37,382 Unbelievable! 98 00:03:37,384 --> 00:03:39,751 You were gonna let me throw this in the trash? 99 00:03:39,753 --> 00:03:41,220 Totally irresponsible. You're not driving. 100 00:03:41,222 --> 00:03:43,655 Oh, god. Dad, please talk some sense into your wife. 101 00:03:43,657 --> 00:03:46,191 She's saying some pretty controversial things over there. 102 00:03:46,193 --> 00:03:49,494 I agree with whatever nonsense your mother just said. 103 00:03:49,496 --> 00:03:52,130 Come on. This is not fair! 104 00:03:52,132 --> 00:03:54,967 Who the hell told you life was fair, you moron? 105 00:03:54,969 --> 00:03:57,603 ADAM: Dad's colorful way of speaking may seem a bit harsh. 106 00:03:57,605 --> 00:04:00,906 It really wasn't. You just had to learn how to speak "Murray." 107 00:04:00,908 --> 00:04:05,077 It's 2:00 a.m. I thought you were dead! 108 00:04:05,079 --> 00:04:06,678 I could kill you! 109 00:04:06,680 --> 00:04:08,680 (BELL DINGS) 110 00:04:08,682 --> 00:04:09,214 (CLICK) 111 00:04:09,216 --> 00:04:11,750 You broke it? It's amazing. 112 00:04:11,752 --> 00:04:14,553 You little bastards ruin everything. 113 00:04:14,555 --> 00:04:16,622 (BELL DINGS) 114 00:04:18,191 --> 00:04:22,361 For someone so smart, you sure act like an idiot. 115 00:04:22,363 --> 00:04:24,296 (BELL DINGS) 116 00:04:25,198 --> 00:04:28,166 All right, stop your pouting. 117 00:04:28,168 --> 00:04:29,067 I got you something, 118 00:04:29,069 --> 00:04:31,670 and I think you're gonna like it. 119 00:04:32,205 --> 00:04:34,840 (WRAPPING PAPER RUSTLES) 120 00:04:36,843 --> 00:04:39,978 REO Speedwagon? This is top 40! 121 00:04:39,980 --> 00:04:44,383 You don't know me at all! I'm into rap, the poetry of the streets! 122 00:04:44,385 --> 00:04:45,584 Come on! No, no, no. 123 00:04:45,586 --> 00:04:47,486 I talked to the guy at Sam Goody. 124 00:04:47,488 --> 00:04:48,253 He said it was a hip track. 125 00:04:48,255 --> 00:04:51,256 Well, did you talk to Sam Goody himself? Huh? 126 00:04:51,258 --> 00:04:53,859 Did you? No. you talked to a random jagoff 127 00:04:53,861 --> 00:04:55,260 who knows nothing about real music. 128 00:04:55,262 --> 00:04:58,163 You weren't there, okay? The guy had an earring. 129 00:04:58,165 --> 00:05:01,466 He had a jean jacket covered in buttons! Covered! 130 00:05:01,468 --> 00:05:03,902 (CHAIR SCRAPES FLOOR) Don't get your father all worked up. 131 00:05:03,904 --> 00:05:05,437 I'm already all worked up. Honey. 132 00:05:05,439 --> 00:05:07,272 Breathe. Calm down. Breathe, breathe. I'm breathing. 133 00:05:07,274 --> 00:05:08,974 I'm breathing, okay? You're killing your father. 134 00:05:08,976 --> 00:05:11,576 I hope you're having a happy birthday. (EXHALES) 135 00:05:11,578 --> 00:05:12,044 (HORN HONKS) 136 00:05:12,046 --> 00:05:13,578 BEREVRLY: Remember what Dr. Hong said. I know what Hong said! 137 00:05:13,580 --> 00:05:16,915 ADAM: Barry had one last visitor, my grandfather, Pops. 138 00:05:16,917 --> 00:05:18,517 He was 80 years of pure awesome. 139 00:05:18,519 --> 00:05:22,788 I hear someone turned 16 and could use a new car. 140 00:05:22,790 --> 00:05:24,222 Holy crap! For me? 141 00:05:24,224 --> 00:05:25,957 I don't love you that much. 142 00:05:25,959 --> 00:05:28,460 This baby's mine. You get my old one. 143 00:05:28,462 --> 00:05:31,797 Yes! No! I didn't get a car when I turned 16. 144 00:05:31,799 --> 00:05:32,964 What do you need a car for? 145 00:05:32,966 --> 00:05:37,436 With your looks, you can get a ride from any boy in town. 146 00:05:37,438 --> 00:05:39,037 Here you go. 147 00:05:39,039 --> 00:05:39,805 (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS) 148 00:05:39,807 --> 00:05:43,008 ADAM: It was the moment Barry had waited for his whole life. 149 00:05:43,010 --> 00:05:47,813 Those keys meant freedom, and no man could stop him. 150 00:05:47,815 --> 00:05:50,182 (MUSIC WARPS TO A STOP) 151 00:05:50,184 --> 00:05:51,049 But my mom could. 152 00:05:51,051 --> 00:05:53,985 Not gonna happen, dad. We've decided Barry can't drive. 153 00:05:53,987 --> 00:05:57,155 BARRY: What? So Barry has a car and no license, 154 00:05:57,157 --> 00:05:59,758 and I have a license and no car. 155 00:05:59,760 --> 00:06:00,592 That makes no sense. 156 00:06:00,594 --> 00:06:02,027 You know what else makes no sense? 157 00:06:02,029 --> 00:06:05,030 Those peach wine coolers I found hiding in your closet. 158 00:06:05,032 --> 00:06:07,265 Yeah. I'm everywhere. 159 00:06:07,267 --> 00:06:09,568 This is the worst birthday ever! 160 00:06:09,570 --> 00:06:13,305 The only one who understands me is Flavor Flav. 161 00:06:16,843 --> 00:06:17,442 Who runs like that? 162 00:06:17,444 --> 00:06:20,645 And what, we having a drag race? What's with the bird car? 163 00:06:20,647 --> 00:06:22,981 Oh, my father thinks he's Burt Reynolds. 164 00:06:22,983 --> 00:06:26,084 The sexiest man alive? Yes, I do. 165 00:06:26,086 --> 00:06:28,987 Hey, kiddo, pick you up after school? 166 00:06:28,989 --> 00:06:31,690 Um, we're going to the Y to do some water aerobics. 167 00:06:31,692 --> 00:06:34,226 It's good for his circulation. 168 00:06:34,228 --> 00:06:35,994 ADAM: Swimming was just our cover. 169 00:06:35,996 --> 00:06:37,662 Pops really took me to the House of Waffles 170 00:06:37,664 --> 00:06:39,564 to teach me the finer things in life. 171 00:06:39,566 --> 00:06:42,534 And you can't just go in and honk 'em. 172 00:06:42,536 --> 00:06:44,503 It's all about the cuppage. 173 00:06:44,505 --> 00:06:47,606 Be gentle. Those puppies are sensitive. 174 00:06:47,608 --> 00:06:50,275 I just wanna bury my face in 'em. 175 00:06:50,277 --> 00:06:53,378 We all do, but you gotta earn it. 176 00:06:53,713 --> 00:06:54,813 Speaking of, 177 00:06:54,815 --> 00:06:58,683 where are we on Operation Waffle Girl? 178 00:07:02,755 --> 00:07:05,757 ADAM: Her name was Zoe Macintosh. 179 00:07:05,759 --> 00:07:07,492 She was the complete package. 180 00:07:07,494 --> 00:07:13,031 Beautiful, older, and her dad was our family podiatrist. 181 00:07:13,033 --> 00:07:13,765 Okay. 182 00:07:13,767 --> 00:07:15,700 Last week, we told her your name. 183 00:07:15,702 --> 00:07:17,068 Let's see if it stuck. 184 00:07:17,070 --> 00:07:19,404 Oh, Miss? Could you top me off? 185 00:07:19,406 --> 00:07:22,174 (LOWERED VOICE) No, no, Pops, too ballsy. Pops, stop. 186 00:07:22,176 --> 00:07:25,577 No, no, we can't do this. I'm not ready! 187 00:07:26,179 --> 00:07:27,979 (DEEP VOICE) 'Sup, girl? 188 00:07:28,815 --> 00:07:31,216 (NORMAL VOICE) The check, please. 189 00:07:31,218 --> 00:07:32,818 You got it, Alan. 190 00:07:32,820 --> 00:07:35,287 Did you hear that? She just called me "Alan"! 191 00:07:35,289 --> 00:07:36,054 That's not your name. 192 00:07:36,056 --> 00:07:39,257 I'll change it. I'm Alan now. Pops, you're a genius. 193 00:07:39,259 --> 00:07:41,359 Thank you, Jedi Master. 194 00:07:41,361 --> 00:07:43,628 (IMITATING LIGHTSABER WHOOSHING) 195 00:07:45,998 --> 00:07:48,934 You're not making this easy, kid. 196 00:07:48,936 --> 00:07:50,068 Sorry. 197 00:07:50,070 --> 00:07:50,535 (WHOOSHING) 198 00:07:50,537 --> 00:07:51,803 You're like my own personal Obi-Wan Kenobi, 199 00:07:51,805 --> 00:07:56,174 but instead of the force, you're teaching me how to get freaky. 200 00:07:56,176 --> 00:07:57,909 Who's Oboe Cannoli? 201 00:07:57,911 --> 00:07:59,211 Is that Barry? 202 00:07:59,213 --> 00:08:01,213 Barry, what are you doing? 203 00:08:01,215 --> 00:08:02,247 Eating day-old doughnuts. 204 00:08:02,249 --> 00:08:04,816 My friend Terrance, he's the manager. 205 00:08:04,818 --> 00:08:06,751 He leaves 'em out back for me. 206 00:08:06,753 --> 00:08:07,219 Why? 207 00:08:07,221 --> 00:08:09,888 It's called eating your feelings, assbag! 208 00:08:09,890 --> 00:08:12,491 Mom's gonna walk me to the bus till I'm 40, all right? 209 00:08:12,493 --> 00:08:13,692 Put down the garbage cruller. 210 00:08:13,694 --> 00:08:18,964 I'm gonna figure out a way to get you that license and my car. 211 00:08:18,966 --> 00:08:21,099 Come on. Really? 212 00:08:21,901 --> 00:08:25,804 ADAM: As we cruised in Pops' new ride, we felt like kings. 213 00:08:25,806 --> 00:08:29,007 It didn't matter that my mom said Barry couldn't drive. 214 00:08:29,009 --> 00:08:30,008 Our grandfather would fix that. 215 00:08:30,010 --> 00:08:33,311 He was always cooking up a plan in that brilliant mind of his. 216 00:08:33,313 --> 00:08:37,816 All right, Pops, you said you had a plan. Whatchu thinkin'? 217 00:08:37,818 --> 00:08:39,818 Uh... Uh... 218 00:08:39,820 --> 00:08:41,553 Pops, you okay? 219 00:08:41,555 --> 00:08:44,256 (TIRES SCREECH) 220 00:08:44,657 --> 00:08:45,924 Aah! 221 00:08:45,926 --> 00:08:48,126 (LOUD CLATTER) 222 00:08:51,364 --> 00:08:52,497 (COUGHS) 223 00:08:52,499 --> 00:08:54,099 (ENGINE HISSING) 224 00:08:54,101 --> 00:08:56,368 ADAM: Okay, his mind wasn't what it used to be, 225 00:08:56,370 --> 00:08:58,837 but his appetite still was. 226 00:08:58,839 --> 00:09:00,805 So who wants nuggets? 227 00:09:03,543 --> 00:09:06,077 ADAM: Pops was booked with reckless endangerment, 228 00:09:06,079 --> 00:09:08,580 and we were all thrown behind bars... 229 00:09:08,582 --> 00:09:10,682 That is until our mom arrived. 230 00:09:10,684 --> 00:09:11,883 Are you proud of yourself? 231 00:09:11,885 --> 00:09:13,685 Locking up an old man and two little boys? 232 00:09:13,687 --> 00:09:17,556 ADAM: God help the poor soul who tried to push us around. 233 00:09:17,558 --> 00:09:18,323 That... Was her job. 234 00:09:18,325 --> 00:09:22,027 Memorize this face, because it is gonna haunt your dreams, sir. 235 00:09:22,029 --> 00:09:26,932 It is gonna haunt your (BLEEP) dreams! 236 00:09:27,433 --> 00:09:28,133 Are you guys okay? 237 00:09:28,135 --> 00:09:31,836 No, I'm not okay! Barry took a dump in front of us! 238 00:09:31,838 --> 00:09:33,405 I had to go! 239 00:09:34,774 --> 00:09:36,641 It was bad. 240 00:09:40,613 --> 00:09:42,213 I'm telling you, it wasn't my fault. 241 00:09:42,215 --> 00:09:47,185 ADAM: The next morning, mom lowered the boom and took Pops' keys. 242 00:09:47,187 --> 00:09:48,486 I'm not one of your kids, Bev. 243 00:09:48,488 --> 00:09:51,923 You can't boss me around. I do the bossing! 244 00:09:51,925 --> 00:09:53,858 Dad, I'm just trying to help you. 245 00:09:53,860 --> 00:09:55,360 Your mind is not what it used to be. 246 00:09:55,362 --> 00:09:57,195 ADAM: As always, the neighbors came out to watch. 247 00:09:57,197 --> 00:10:01,800 Oh, hello, Gina! Why don't you take a picture? It'll last longer! 248 00:10:01,802 --> 00:10:05,036 ADAM: For the record, Gina, that's my mom's best friend. 249 00:10:05,038 --> 00:10:06,137 Uh, can I go now? 250 00:10:06,139 --> 00:10:07,205 I've got a date with Shirley Nagel. 251 00:10:07,207 --> 00:10:11,343 She's got 12 grandkids, so you know she puts out. 252 00:10:11,345 --> 00:10:13,945 Cut the crap, Albert, okay? Cut it! 253 00:10:13,947 --> 00:10:18,183 It's all life. You lose your keys, Barry gets some keys. 254 00:10:18,185 --> 00:10:19,684 It's the... Circle of driving. 255 00:10:19,686 --> 00:10:23,822 Looks like I better get on home and take this all in. 256 00:10:23,824 --> 00:10:26,057 Can I have the keys? No! 257 00:10:26,059 --> 00:10:27,392 You're out of my will! 258 00:10:27,394 --> 00:10:28,860 You're out of my will! 259 00:10:28,862 --> 00:10:31,196 That's right! We'll see who croaks first! 260 00:10:31,198 --> 00:10:32,564 BARRY: Wait. Wait, wait, wait. 261 00:10:32,566 --> 00:10:33,999 Does this mean I can drive? 262 00:10:34,001 --> 00:10:34,699 No! Yes! 263 00:10:34,701 --> 00:10:38,970 Yeah, hon, I said Barry was not ready, and you agreed. 264 00:10:38,972 --> 00:10:41,072 In my defense, I wasn't listening. 265 00:10:41,074 --> 00:10:43,375 ADAM: Whenever my dad disagreed with my mom, 266 00:10:43,377 --> 00:10:45,010 this would happen five minutes later. 267 00:10:45,012 --> 00:10:48,880 Who watches Adam sleep in case his asthma kicks in? 268 00:10:48,882 --> 00:10:49,414 Me. 269 00:10:49,416 --> 00:10:50,515 ADAM: She'd guilt him into submission. 270 00:10:50,517 --> 00:10:55,286 Who bought the family a new hamster because you sat on Herbie? 271 00:10:55,288 --> 00:10:55,687 Me. 272 00:10:55,689 --> 00:10:56,921 ADAM: But not this time. 273 00:10:56,923 --> 00:10:59,591 See, my dad always had a soft spot for Barry, 274 00:10:59,593 --> 00:11:00,659 so he decided to help the kid. 275 00:11:00,661 --> 00:11:03,228 I do all the dirty work that you don't wanna do. 276 00:11:03,230 --> 00:11:05,897 Bevy, you live for those things, 277 00:11:05,899 --> 00:11:07,599 and now that the kids are growing older, 278 00:11:07,601 --> 00:11:09,768 your whole world is falling apart. 279 00:11:09,770 --> 00:11:12,270 My world is fine, thank you very much. 280 00:11:12,272 --> 00:11:12,837 Okay. 281 00:11:12,839 --> 00:11:14,572 If you got no problem letting go, 282 00:11:14,574 --> 00:11:17,809 then I'm gonna take Barry for a driving lesson. 283 00:11:17,811 --> 00:11:18,410 (SCOFFS) 284 00:11:18,412 --> 00:11:22,180 Ho-ho-ho! You two stuck in the same car together? 285 00:11:22,182 --> 00:11:24,549 That'll go well. Good luck not flipping out. 286 00:11:24,551 --> 00:11:28,053 I don't need luck. I'm gonna teach him good. 287 00:11:28,055 --> 00:11:30,221 I'm gonna parent the (BLEEP) out of him. 288 00:11:30,223 --> 00:11:33,825 Barry! Daddy's gonna teach you how to drive! 289 00:11:33,827 --> 00:11:35,126 Seriously? 290 00:11:35,128 --> 00:11:37,062 Uh-huh! Okay. 291 00:11:37,064 --> 00:11:39,631 (GRUNTING RHYTHMICALLY) 292 00:11:39,699 --> 00:11:42,367 ♪ Yeah, that's right, Barry's drivin' ♪ 293 00:11:42,369 --> 00:11:44,602 Unreal. I raised a moron. 294 00:11:44,604 --> 00:11:46,404 (BELL DINGS) 295 00:11:46,406 --> 00:11:49,441 ADAM: My dad was determined to do the impossible... 296 00:11:49,443 --> 00:11:50,108 Not yell. 297 00:11:50,110 --> 00:11:52,944 Just stop screaming, please! Listen! Listen to me! 298 00:11:52,946 --> 00:11:53,712 Okay? God! 299 00:11:53,714 --> 00:11:55,613 The brakes! You're riding the brake! 300 00:11:55,615 --> 00:11:57,916 You've gotta put your foot on the gas sometime! 301 00:11:57,918 --> 00:11:59,451 You're going so slow! (HORN HONKS) 302 00:11:59,453 --> 00:12:00,351 Let him pass! Who? 303 00:12:00,353 --> 00:12:02,520 The guy on the moped! Let him pass! 304 00:12:02,522 --> 00:12:04,489 Go ahead! Go ahead, okay. Let him pass! 305 00:12:04,491 --> 00:12:05,323 (HORN HONKS) 306 00:12:05,325 --> 00:12:06,725 All right? (MOPED MOTOR REVS) 307 00:12:06,727 --> 00:12:08,393 Now we're going to make a right. 308 00:12:08,395 --> 00:12:12,363 Before we get to the right, turn on your signal. 309 00:12:12,498 --> 00:12:13,732 (CLICK) 310 00:12:13,734 --> 00:12:14,299 Not the wiper. 311 00:12:14,301 --> 00:12:17,102 It's just smearing everything around! What is this? 312 00:12:17,104 --> 00:12:17,969 Come on. Oh, my god. 313 00:12:17,971 --> 00:12:19,270 You gotta let me out of this car, man. 314 00:12:19,272 --> 00:12:20,472 I can't die before I cop a feel! 315 00:12:20,474 --> 00:12:23,641 Shut up, okay? You wanna die? I'll kill you right now! Huh? 316 00:12:23,643 --> 00:12:25,376 Hey! I'll kill both of you! 317 00:12:25,378 --> 00:12:28,546 Do not hit the child in the back. 318 00:12:28,548 --> 00:12:29,914 That's way too advanced. 319 00:12:29,916 --> 00:12:30,482 Too advanced! 320 00:12:30,484 --> 00:12:33,685 Turn off the wipers. Make a "U." We're going home. 321 00:12:33,687 --> 00:12:34,652 Home? No, no! 322 00:12:34,654 --> 00:12:36,321 This is my one chance to get my license, 323 00:12:36,323 --> 00:12:38,790 and I'm getting it, all right? You blew it! 324 00:12:38,792 --> 00:12:39,891 Stop the car! 325 00:12:39,893 --> 00:12:41,292 (BRAKES SQUEAL) 326 00:12:41,294 --> 00:12:42,894 (GEARS SHIFT) 327 00:12:43,229 --> 00:12:44,662 What are you doing? 328 00:12:44,664 --> 00:12:45,363 (HORN HONKS) 329 00:12:45,365 --> 00:12:48,666 Go around! My son's a moron. 330 00:12:48,668 --> 00:12:51,202 Go around! Just go! He's a moron! 331 00:12:51,204 --> 00:12:53,004 Get out. I'm taking the wheel. No! 332 00:12:53,006 --> 00:12:54,906 No. you said it was my turn. 333 00:12:54,908 --> 00:12:56,341 Circle of driving. 334 00:12:56,343 --> 00:12:58,309 Open up! Open up! No! No! 335 00:12:58,311 --> 00:12:59,778 Open up! No! 336 00:12:59,780 --> 00:13:03,014 No! No! No! No! 337 00:13:03,115 --> 00:13:06,117 Ah! You can't stay in there forever. 338 00:13:06,786 --> 00:13:07,318 (HORNS HONKING) 339 00:13:07,320 --> 00:13:11,456 ADAM: Forever? No. But 20 minutes? Absolutely. 340 00:13:11,458 --> 00:13:14,759 Barry, the cop just said he's gonna tow the car! 341 00:13:14,761 --> 00:13:16,494 Well, I would, too! 342 00:13:16,496 --> 00:13:16,961 God! 343 00:13:16,963 --> 00:13:20,565 ADAM: And then things went from bad to worse. 344 00:13:20,633 --> 00:13:22,767 My mom arrived. 345 00:13:24,103 --> 00:13:24,736 Who called her? 346 00:13:24,738 --> 00:13:27,572 ADAM: I'll give you a hint. It was me. 347 00:13:27,574 --> 00:13:29,374 Barry! Open up. 348 00:13:29,376 --> 00:13:33,511 Get out! Get out now! Get out! Get out! 349 00:13:36,115 --> 00:13:37,615 Let me in! Let me in! 350 00:13:37,617 --> 00:13:39,350 You're not gonna get punished. Come on! 351 00:13:39,352 --> 00:13:40,151 We'll go for pizza! 352 00:13:40,153 --> 00:13:41,986 You wanna go for pizza? Ice cream, too? 353 00:13:41,988 --> 00:13:43,454 Let me in! Let me in! 354 00:13:43,456 --> 00:13:45,790 So this is what happens when you're in charge, huh? 355 00:13:45,792 --> 00:13:48,726 (HORN HONKS, MAN SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY) City-wide traffic jam? 356 00:13:48,728 --> 00:13:50,762 Whose world is falling apart now? 357 00:13:50,764 --> 00:13:51,596 MAN: Move the car! Shut up! 358 00:13:51,598 --> 00:13:56,701 (EXHALES LOUDLY) Albert, these kids adore you. 359 00:13:56,703 --> 00:13:58,169 Talk to the boy. 360 00:13:58,171 --> 00:13:59,771 Absolutely. 361 00:13:59,773 --> 00:14:02,373 Fight the power, Barry! You can drive! 362 00:14:02,375 --> 00:14:03,675 It's a god-given right! 363 00:14:03,677 --> 00:14:05,443 ADAM: In that moment, my dad expected my mom 364 00:14:05,445 --> 00:14:08,880 to go nuclear, but then she did something even worse. 365 00:14:08,882 --> 00:14:11,115 This is your mess. You clean it up. 366 00:14:11,117 --> 00:14:14,853 ADAM: She left him in charge of Barry. 367 00:14:14,855 --> 00:14:19,924 I regret nothing! 368 00:14:26,732 --> 00:14:29,367 ADAM: In all the chaos, Pops and I were able to sneak out 369 00:14:29,369 --> 00:14:32,303 to work on Operation Waffle Girl. 370 00:14:32,305 --> 00:14:34,038 Welcome back, boys. What'll it be? 371 00:14:34,040 --> 00:14:36,374 I don't know. What do you think, Alan? 372 00:14:36,376 --> 00:14:40,144 Let's pull the trigger. Two Monte Cristos, all the trimmings. 373 00:14:40,146 --> 00:14:40,945 (CLEARS THROAT) 374 00:14:40,947 --> 00:14:42,046 All that fried meat and cheese? 375 00:14:42,048 --> 00:14:45,183 Mom? You're gonna be on the bowl for hours. 376 00:14:45,185 --> 00:14:47,118 Mom! Leave now! Go! 377 00:14:47,120 --> 00:14:48,987 (NERVOUSLY) I'll come back. 378 00:14:48,989 --> 00:14:51,489 (SINGSONGY) Oh, I see what's going on. 379 00:14:51,491 --> 00:14:53,458 Someone has a crush. (CHUCKLES) 380 00:14:53,460 --> 00:14:56,561 (NORMAL VOICE) So adorable. Not gonna happen. 381 00:14:56,563 --> 00:14:57,428 Excuse me? Here we go. 382 00:14:57,430 --> 00:14:58,997 Well, I have to draw the line somewhere. 383 00:14:58,999 --> 00:15:02,233 Erica's rushing off to college, Barry wants to drive, 384 00:15:02,235 --> 00:15:04,435 and now you wanna date? 385 00:15:04,437 --> 00:15:06,738 You still play with toy robots! 386 00:15:06,740 --> 00:15:07,872 They're GoBots! 387 00:15:07,874 --> 00:15:10,008 And one day, they'll be worth millions. 388 00:15:10,010 --> 00:15:10,842 ADAM: They weren't. 389 00:15:10,844 --> 00:15:13,144 Baby, you're not ready for girls. 390 00:15:13,146 --> 00:15:15,213 You don't even have pit hair. 391 00:15:15,215 --> 00:15:16,281 I have three. 392 00:15:16,283 --> 00:15:16,915 ADAM: I didn't. 393 00:15:16,917 --> 00:15:17,949 Dad, how could you encourage this? 394 00:15:17,951 --> 00:15:21,486 'Cause he's in sixth grade. Loosen your damn grip, Bev. 395 00:15:21,488 --> 00:15:24,222 Yeah! I'm a man now! A man with needs, 396 00:15:24,224 --> 00:15:27,125 and I need Zoe and her sweet, delicate boobs, 397 00:15:27,127 --> 00:15:29,627 and you can't stop me. 398 00:15:31,497 --> 00:15:33,097 (HUFFS) 399 00:15:36,435 --> 00:15:38,603 You're out of my will! 400 00:15:40,973 --> 00:15:43,207 Whatever that means! 401 00:15:44,009 --> 00:15:45,343 This is your fault, you know. 402 00:15:45,345 --> 00:15:47,211 If I knew that's why you drove him here, 403 00:15:47,213 --> 00:15:48,980 I never would've allowed it. 404 00:15:48,982 --> 00:15:51,382 You wanna know why I won't give up my license, Bev? 405 00:15:51,384 --> 00:15:55,386 You wanna get with Shirley Nagel. Yes, we get it. 406 00:15:55,388 --> 00:15:57,488 Shirley Nagel. Are you kidding me? 407 00:15:57,490 --> 00:15:58,890 I got that locked down. 408 00:15:58,892 --> 00:16:00,224 But if you take away my car, 409 00:16:00,226 --> 00:16:03,227 you take away my time with my grandson. 410 00:16:03,229 --> 00:16:05,196 Getting waffles with that little guy, 411 00:16:05,198 --> 00:16:07,899 it's the best part of my week. 412 00:16:09,234 --> 00:16:10,802 Oh, dad. 413 00:16:11,437 --> 00:16:13,404 I didn't know that. 414 00:16:13,406 --> 00:16:17,208 You'll make it right, Bev. I know you will. 415 00:16:20,512 --> 00:16:22,280 ADAM: As my mom realized she had to let go, 416 00:16:22,282 --> 00:16:26,551 my dad decided it was time to get more involved. 417 00:16:26,719 --> 00:16:28,219 I guess you were right, okay? 418 00:16:28,221 --> 00:16:30,555 Looks like I'll never drive. 419 00:16:31,156 --> 00:16:34,392 Any dummy can learn to drive, 420 00:16:34,394 --> 00:16:36,561 even a dummy like you. 421 00:16:36,563 --> 00:16:38,096 Come on, dad. 422 00:16:38,098 --> 00:16:40,098 You got me an REO Speedwagon tape. 423 00:16:40,100 --> 00:16:42,066 You don't know anything about me. 424 00:16:42,068 --> 00:16:43,668 Trust me. I do. 425 00:16:43,670 --> 00:16:47,739 I know you go through life feeling all angry, 426 00:16:47,741 --> 00:16:50,375 let down, misunderstood. 427 00:16:50,776 --> 00:16:52,343 I get it. 428 00:16:52,345 --> 00:16:55,380 Wow. That's... Yeah. 429 00:16:55,382 --> 00:16:58,149 Do you ever cry into your pillow? 430 00:16:58,151 --> 00:16:59,150 No, I don't cry into my pillow. 431 00:16:59,152 --> 00:17:02,720 Who cries in their pillow? Not me. I don't. 432 00:17:03,689 --> 00:17:04,856 Here's what I'm gonna do. 433 00:17:04,858 --> 00:17:07,492 I'm gonna talk to your mom and tell her 434 00:17:07,494 --> 00:17:10,028 that she's gotta let you get your driver's license. 435 00:17:10,030 --> 00:17:10,895 Really? Yes. 436 00:17:10,897 --> 00:17:13,965 Thank you, and can you also convince her to get a hobby? 437 00:17:13,967 --> 00:17:15,900 Knitting, break dancing. I know, I know. 438 00:17:15,902 --> 00:17:18,002 Anything besides us. Yes. 439 00:17:18,004 --> 00:17:18,970 I'm working on it, kid. 440 00:17:18,972 --> 00:17:22,340 ADAM: Turns out our dad did have a good heart after all. 441 00:17:22,342 --> 00:17:24,509 He just had to open it up once in a while. 442 00:17:24,511 --> 00:17:28,446 You know what? I don't say it a lot, but... 443 00:17:28,914 --> 00:17:31,916 You're not a total moron all the time. 444 00:17:32,217 --> 00:17:34,018 (BELL DINGS) 445 00:17:34,186 --> 00:17:37,055 (HORN HONKS, ENGINE RUMBLES) 446 00:17:37,790 --> 00:17:38,990 Can I drive? 447 00:17:38,992 --> 00:17:40,358 (BRAKES SQUEAL) 448 00:17:40,360 --> 00:17:41,659 No! 449 00:17:43,829 --> 00:17:46,497 Oh, come on. Not REO Speedwagon. (TAPE PLAYER CLICKS) 450 00:17:46,499 --> 00:17:51,302 Seriously? Hey, this is good stuff, okay? 451 00:17:51,304 --> 00:17:53,104 I've been listening to it. 452 00:17:53,106 --> 00:17:53,704 (HUMMING ALONG) 453 00:17:53,706 --> 00:17:58,209 ♪ And yet I'm still afraid to let it show 454 00:17:58,744 --> 00:18:01,846 ♪ What started out as friendship 455 00:18:01,848 --> 00:18:04,182 ♪ Has grown stronger 456 00:18:04,184 --> 00:18:04,649 Come on. 457 00:18:04,651 --> 00:18:09,520 ♪ ...had the strength to let it show 458 00:18:09,522 --> 00:18:10,988 Here we go! Join me. 459 00:18:10,990 --> 00:18:16,861 ♪ And I can't stop this feeling anymore 460 00:18:16,863 --> 00:18:17,962 ♪ I've forgotten 461 00:18:17,964 --> 00:18:22,166 (BOTH) ♪ What I started fighting for 462 00:18:22,168 --> 00:18:23,034 Look at you! 463 00:18:23,036 --> 00:18:27,505 ♪ It's time to bring this ship into the shore 464 00:18:27,507 --> 00:18:30,475 ♪ And throw away the oars 465 00:18:30,477 --> 00:18:32,477 ♪ Forever 466 00:18:34,813 --> 00:18:40,885 ♪ 'Cause I can't fight this feeling anymore 467 00:18:40,887 --> 00:18:46,357 ♪ I've forgotten what I started fighting for ♪ 468 00:18:46,359 --> 00:18:48,993 What are you, uh, doing? 469 00:18:49,461 --> 00:18:51,229 Nothing. 470 00:18:51,964 --> 00:18:54,265 Those the kids' baby blankets? 471 00:18:54,500 --> 00:18:56,134 You got me. I... 472 00:18:56,136 --> 00:18:57,869 Sometimes I smell 'em when I feel sad. 473 00:18:57,871 --> 00:18:59,270 That's not weird, is it? 474 00:18:59,272 --> 00:19:01,739 Well, little weird. 475 00:19:06,211 --> 00:19:07,612 Yeah. 476 00:19:07,614 --> 00:19:08,446 My world is caving in. 477 00:19:08,448 --> 00:19:10,548 I mean, I've given those kids everything, 478 00:19:10,550 --> 00:19:13,684 and now that, uh, they're growing up 479 00:19:13,686 --> 00:19:17,555 and don't need me as much, what do I have? 480 00:19:17,557 --> 00:19:20,591 Me. I'm not going anywhere. 481 00:19:23,629 --> 00:19:27,265 All right, let me have a... A sniff. 482 00:19:30,903 --> 00:19:36,741 ♪ And I can't fight this feeling anymore 483 00:19:36,743 --> 00:19:43,047 ♪ I've forgotten what I started fighting for 484 00:19:43,049 --> 00:19:48,019 ♪ It's time to bring this ship into the shore 485 00:19:48,021 --> 00:19:54,258 ♪ And throw away the oars forever 486 00:19:54,760 --> 00:19:56,827 ♪ 'Cause I can't fight this feeling... ♪ 487 00:19:56,829 --> 00:19:59,964 Forget about the diner. They just opened this place. 488 00:19:59,966 --> 00:20:01,098 I think you may like it. 489 00:20:01,100 --> 00:20:07,271 ♪ I've forgotten what I started fighting for 490 00:20:07,273 --> 00:20:12,510 ♪ It's time to bring this ship into the shore 491 00:20:12,578 --> 00:20:18,449 ♪ And throw away the oars forever 492 00:20:19,117 --> 00:20:21,452 ♪ 'Cause I can't fight this feeling anymore ♪ 493 00:20:21,454 --> 00:20:26,090 ADAM: And with that, the circle of driving was finally complete. 494 00:20:26,092 --> 00:20:31,696 ♪ I've forgotten what I started fighting for 495 00:20:31,698 --> 00:20:35,866 ♪ And if I had to crawl upon the floor 496 00:20:35,868 --> 00:20:39,036 ♪ Come crashing through your door ♪ 497 00:20:43,508 --> 00:20:45,109 (SIGHS) 498 00:20:45,477 --> 00:20:47,778 I raised a moron. 499 00:20:47,780 --> 00:20:49,513 (BELL DINGS) 500 00:20:49,515 --> 00:20:51,849 (CHUCKLES) Classic. 501 00:20:53,352 --> 00:20:56,120 (CENTERFOLD PLAYING) 502 00:20:56,888 --> 00:20:58,856 ♪ Come on 503 00:21:03,195 --> 00:21:05,096 You're aggravating me, you little bastards! 504 00:21:05,098 --> 00:21:07,765 He's aggravating me, the little bastard! 505 00:21:07,767 --> 00:21:10,501 The sexiest man alive? Yes, I do. 506 00:21:10,503 --> 00:21:12,470 Look what I'm drinking tonight. 507 00:21:12,472 --> 00:21:13,471 Don't forget to wash your bottom. 508 00:21:13,473 --> 00:21:16,440 I don't believe you. You're really a jackass. 509 00:21:16,442 --> 00:21:20,211 Stop videotaping! Get out! Mom! 510 00:21:20,213 --> 00:21:23,147 Stop! I swear... (ADAM GIGGLES) 511 00:21:23,149 --> 00:21:25,082 (LAUGHS) 512 00:21:26,385 --> 00:21:28,052 Surprise!