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Back in the '80s, America got in shape,
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and that meant getting fit
and eating right.
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So every chef started
becoming health-conscious,
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except Chef Beverly Goldberg.
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For my growing schmoopaloo,
my famous lasagna burger bomb.
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Wow! I can't believe
no one's ever thought
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to use lasagna as a bun before.
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She was always inventing
new caloric cuisine.
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For Pops, my triple-meat ziti surprise.
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And the surprise is,
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the lamb really brings out
the beef and chicken.
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But that was nothing compared
to what she made my dad.
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And for my handsome man of the house,
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salad made just the way you like it...
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A deli tray of cold cuts
and cheeses, zero veggies,
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served in a bowl of buttermilk ranch.
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You see? Salads don't have to be boring.
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That is, by definition, not a salad.
Words have meaning!
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Yeah, my mom's cookbook
chronicled some of
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the least-healthy recipes known to man.
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Strangely, no publishers wanted it.
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These rejection letters
are so hurtful and specific.
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"A dietary Vietnam"? "Pure poison"?
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"A culinary kick to the crotch!"
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On the bright side, getting mail is fun.
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And these are from the crappy,
independent publishers
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that make nonsense like textbooks
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and Bibles for children.
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Still, all those "no" s
didn't diminish her love of cooking.
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Or our love of eating.
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And save room for dessert,
'cause Mama made her signature
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upside-down chocolate
peanut butter cheesecake.
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There's no top or bottom to it,
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so I'm just going right for the middle.
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You know, Dave Kim's family
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all go for a walk after dinner.
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If you can walk afterwards,
you're doing it wrong.
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Talk fast,
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I got a flip-flopped cake coming my way.
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Cookbook publisher?
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We don't need any books!
We're a TV household!
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No, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.
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Hi. It's Beverly Goldberg.
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Harrison Whitby
of Whitby and Sons Publishing.
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No relation.
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I'm calling about your cookbook.
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Everybody shut up right now.
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But nobody's saying anything.
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I will drown you in that damn cake
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if you don't shut your dumb, fat mouth!
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How can I help you, Mr. Whitby?
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I think I can help you.
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You see, every cookbook
that comes across my desk
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is low-fat this, no-sugar that.
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But yours...
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Yours is not concerned
with health in any way.
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Well, that's because I disregard
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the most basic dietary guidelines.
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And that's exactly why
I want to publish it.
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Holy [bleep],
Holy [bleep], Holy [bleep].
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That's nice news.
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I just need a little rewrite.
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You want me to add more lard,
butter, and salt to the recipes?
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Uh, it'll kill people, but I'll do it.
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No. I just need the stories
behind the recipes.
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Tell me where they came from.
Make it personal.
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Oh, I can do that.
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People are always telling me,
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"I know way too much about you!"
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Beautiful. No rush.
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Just get it to me in 48 hours.
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- Bevy, who was that?
- Destiny.
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How the hell did she get this number?
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They're gonna publish my cookbook!
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Oh, how about that?
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Anything is possible!
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I deserve everything
that's coming to me.
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You really do, Bevy.
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I'll make sure to save a spot
on my bookshelf.
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Ooh, that's a good idea.
I need to make some room, too.
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I'm an author!
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♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪
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♪ But nonetheless,
I feel the need to say ♪
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Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
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♪ I don't know the future ♪
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♪ But the past keeps getting
clearer every day ♪
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It was December 4th, 1980-something.
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Barry and Erica were college roommates,
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and it was amazing...
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How little they got along.
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You are an idiot!
And I'm talking medically.
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How dare you? I'm pre-med.
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I'd be the first to know
if I was an idiot.
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Then where are the car keys?
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'Cause they're supposed to be
on that hook right there.
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Oh, you mean my back-scratchin' hook?
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Works better when the keys
don't rip up my shoulder meat.
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There you go.
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You did it, Hooky. You did it.
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Yep, they'd lived
together their whole lives,
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but sharing a dorm room
was a whole different story.
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Did you eat my ramen?
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Yeah. I didn't want to walk to the caf,
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so I snagged one of your
hot and spicy beefs.
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But that's my feast from the East!
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And you should probably know that I also
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drained your last Mountain Dew.
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My morning Dew?
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That's how I rev up for the day!
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Do you have any respect
for society's norms?
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Somehow they'd managed to keep
it civil the whole semester...
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Until one fateful night.
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Oh, my God, Big Tasty!
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You're destroying the world
record in 110-meter hurdles!
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He's the Carl Lewis of
pressing red and blue buttons
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- with his feet!
- It's happening!
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Big Tasty's gonna finally
take the gol... No!
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Oopsy, was this thing connected to that?
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My bad. Get out.
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- Yeah, okay.
- Sorry.
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Whoa! JTP, you do not
have to listen to her.
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Actually, Tasty, we do.
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It's the law of older siblings...
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They get the final say on everything.
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That's not a law.
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I would know.
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- Could've been the son of a lawyer.
- It is.
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Thanks to my older bro,
I'm always the one who dealt it,
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regardless of who smelt it.
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And my older sister
decided to take my room.
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So now I sleep on the couch.
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Why not take her old room?
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And have her take it back?
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No. I'm not jumping on that carousel.
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My sister gets priority on all
my mom's love and affection.
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No one cares about your tragic
home life, Matt Bradley.
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I want to run on a plastic mat!
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Well, we all have stories.
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I'll get the door for you.
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JTP, I demand you stay.
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- Sorry, Tasty.
- Big sis rules.
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Behind this smile is pain.
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Don't worry, Bar. I'm staying.
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A man of courage.
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Oh, you misread that.
I-I'm not here for you.
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I-I get to stay because
it's Erica's will.
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This is not fair!
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We're both freshmen!
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We're technically equals!
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He does have a point, angelface.
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Whoa, whoa, whose side
are you on, Schwartz?
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Sorry, Big Tasty. Erica's threatening
tone was new information.
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Geoffrey "Mad Man" Schwartz,
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how many times have I saved your life?
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- None?
- I would've if you weren't
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so boring and risk-averse.
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I'm not comfortable being
in the middle of this.
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You will be in the middle of this.
It's decided.
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As a neutral third party,
you will establish
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a system of rules to stop
our petty squabbling.
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That sounds like a nightmare!
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I'm good with it. But just
remember who hugs and kisses you.
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Oh, well, there's plenty
of that to go around.
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Come on!
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Get in there. Come on.
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Doing all the work. Come on. My guy.
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As Geoff was caught
in the middle of Barry and Erica,
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my mom was at the end
of her big rewrite.
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Schmoo, feast your delicious boy eyes
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on 400 pages of scrumptious
family history.
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Wow, this has...
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So many words.
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Most not about food.
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And who is that sturdy fella?
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That's your great-aunt Esther.
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Why two eye patches?
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This is a funny story.
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Uh, she was dragged by a
horse through the town.
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That is funny.
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Until the reins finally got stuck
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in a tree branch, and the
horse fell on top of her.
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So, of course, they shot it.
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00:06:18,121 --> 00:06:20,422
And why would you put that
in a book about food?
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Because the next day, she
made a delicious horse stew.
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I changed it to lamb because
some people can be stuffy.
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00:06:26,029 --> 00:06:28,597
And she must've had to make
a lot since she had 14 kids.
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No, no. As I indicated here
next to the ingredients,
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uh, only six of them lived.
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Disease, war, winter, famine.
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Seven of them were just
stomped to death.
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00:06:39,075 --> 00:06:42,377
And you put that right here
in a book about food.
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So, you clearly know what you're doing.
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Would you mind reading the whole thing,
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and telling me what you think
before I send it in?
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I think I get it.
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A horse drags a lady,
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00:06:51,254 --> 00:06:54,400
pancake dippers, a cousin gets stomped.
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You got yourself a winner, lady.
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This is the only publisher
who's shown any interest,
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00:06:58,322 --> 00:07:00,562
and if he doesn't like it,
I don't know what I'll do.
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00:07:00,597 --> 00:07:02,297
I guess I could...
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00:07:02,332 --> 00:07:03,615
Thank you.
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00:07:03,686 --> 00:07:05,662
While I was dragged like Aunt Esther
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00:07:05,732 --> 00:07:07,069
into reading my mom's cookbook,
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00:07:07,103 --> 00:07:09,137
Geoff was pulled
between Barry and Erica.
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00:07:09,172 --> 00:07:10,787
Okay, so you're both holding the binders
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00:07:10,849 --> 00:07:12,180
that I stayed up all night creating
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00:07:12,258 --> 00:07:14,776
with the guidelines in order to
keep this room safe and fun.
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00:07:14,811 --> 00:07:16,813
These are so stupid.
And I want the blue one.
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00:07:16,867 --> 00:07:19,581
You'll find it details solutions
to all of your living issues.
211
00:07:19,626 --> 00:07:21,085
Oh, so many words and tabs!
212
00:07:21,148 --> 00:07:23,785
Just tell your loudmouth
girlfriend to stop being so bossy.
213
00:07:23,820 --> 00:07:25,621
I will punch your head while you sleep.
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00:07:25,655 --> 00:07:28,290
Joke's on you. My skull is crazy-jacked.
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00:07:28,324 --> 00:07:30,993
Guys, no punching...
Asleep or otherwise.
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00:07:31,027 --> 00:07:33,629
In here, you'll find clear instructions
on how to share everything.
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00:07:33,663 --> 00:07:35,797
- Like the mini-fridge.
- No way.
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00:07:35,832 --> 00:07:38,266
I promised my perishables a safe haven.
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00:07:38,301 --> 00:07:39,668
You put your sheets in there.
220
00:07:39,702 --> 00:07:40,969
You know I run hot!
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00:07:41,004 --> 00:07:43,105
It's the dead of winter, barfbag!
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00:07:43,139 --> 00:07:44,640
You should really get
your circulation checked.
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00:07:44,674 --> 00:07:45,807
Already did.
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00:07:45,842 --> 00:07:46,996
It's a trouble area, like you.
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00:07:47,058 --> 00:07:49,714
Enough. Consult your binders.
I'm not your referee.
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00:07:49,769 --> 00:07:51,113
Wait, that's it.
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00:07:51,147 --> 00:07:53,949
You're our referee... Our Geoff-er-ee.
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00:07:53,993 --> 00:07:56,080
It works 'cause it's your name
and also your new job.
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00:07:56,151 --> 00:07:58,186
I'm not staying here full-time
to mediate every fight,
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00:07:58,221 --> 00:07:59,463
conflict, or disagreement.
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00:07:59,502 --> 00:08:01,377
It would work better than
these crappy binders.
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00:08:01,402 --> 00:08:02,383
Yeah. Swing and a miss, hon.
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00:08:02,408 --> 00:08:03,692
You didn't even open them.
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00:08:03,726 --> 00:08:05,694
We've moved on from
your embarrassing binders.
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00:08:05,728 --> 00:08:07,195
- You should, too.
- You know us.
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00:08:07,230 --> 00:08:08,830
We can't be trusted to follow the rules.
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00:08:08,865 --> 00:08:10,499
And every moment
is touch-and-go with me.
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00:08:10,533 --> 00:08:11,867
And I'm no day at the beach, either.
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00:08:11,901 --> 00:08:13,502
I-I know I don't have a lot going on...
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- Like nothing.
- I'm secretly worried.
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00:08:14,912 --> 00:08:16,194
Then it's settled.
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00:08:16,279 --> 00:08:18,554
Geoffrey will be the arbiter
of everything that happens
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00:08:18,616 --> 00:08:19,912
within these seven walls.
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00:08:19,976 --> 00:08:21,768
- Seven?
- And it starts now!
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00:08:21,869 --> 00:08:24,747
Excuse me while I clip my angry,
jagged toenails on Erica's bed.
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00:08:24,802 --> 00:08:26,214
Geoff-er-ee?
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00:08:26,249 --> 00:08:27,883
Bar, maybe that's a bathroom task?
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00:08:27,917 --> 00:08:29,885
Hmm. That's an interesting fix.
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00:08:29,919 --> 00:08:31,364
Thanks, Geoff-er-ee.
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00:08:33,523 --> 00:08:36,158
Wow. You are really making up
for that binder fiasco.
251
00:08:36,192 --> 00:08:37,759
As Geoff was playing referee,
252
00:08:37,827 --> 00:08:39,594
I was looking for some coaching
253
00:08:39,662 --> 00:08:41,430
on how to deal with my mom's cookbook.
254
00:08:41,497 --> 00:08:43,440
Dude, your mom's book is a horror show!
255
00:08:43,465 --> 00:08:44,499
I know, Dave Kim.
256
00:08:44,534 --> 00:08:47,069
So much tragedy has
befallen your people.
257
00:08:47,103 --> 00:08:49,877
I can't un-read these things, man!
I'm different now.
258
00:08:49,932 --> 00:08:51,173
I know, Dave Kim.
259
00:08:51,207 --> 00:08:52,908
How are you gonna tell her
she can't submit this?
260
00:08:52,942 --> 00:08:54,443
I don't know, Dave Kim!
261
00:08:54,510 --> 00:08:56,278
I just need to find some way
to break it to her
262
00:08:56,345 --> 00:08:58,680
so she doesn't hate me
when I destroy her dream!
263
00:08:58,715 --> 00:09:01,017
Yep, I had no idea what I'd tell my mom,
264
00:09:01,087 --> 00:09:04,619
until I saw Doc Katman give
a master class in bad news.
265
00:09:04,681 --> 00:09:08,924
Johnny, I just want to say
Rush rules, and so do you.
266
00:09:08,958 --> 00:09:10,792
True, and true.
267
00:09:10,860 --> 00:09:12,027
You're a good dude, dude.
268
00:09:12,061 --> 00:09:13,595
So are you, Johnny.
269
00:09:13,629 --> 00:09:15,897
But that said, you haven't turned in
270
00:09:15,932 --> 00:09:18,140
one assignment all semester, so...
271
00:09:18,801 --> 00:09:20,469
You're going to flunk again.
272
00:09:20,536 --> 00:09:22,471
Oh, no! The wind's out of my sails!
273
00:09:22,538 --> 00:09:25,607
Luckily, you're a badass,
so you can take it.
274
00:09:25,641 --> 00:09:28,043
Whoa. You just devastated
me with your words,
275
00:09:28,077 --> 00:09:29,211
but I feel great about it!
276
00:09:29,245 --> 00:09:30,712
Thanks, Doc Whoever-You-Are!
277
00:09:30,747 --> 00:09:32,447
- Hmm.
- Doc, I don't get it.
278
00:09:32,482 --> 00:09:34,483
You gave Johnny Atkins
life-destroying news,
279
00:09:34,550 --> 00:09:36,151
and he thanked you for it. How?
280
00:09:36,219 --> 00:09:38,453
It's all about the compliment sandwich.
281
00:09:38,488 --> 00:09:40,288
Compliment sandwich?
282
00:09:40,323 --> 00:09:43,725
You simply wedge your
criticism, AKA the meat,
283
00:09:43,760 --> 00:09:46,762
in between two compliments,
AKA the bread.
284
00:09:46,796 --> 00:09:48,604
Yes! That was the answer!
285
00:09:48,666 --> 00:09:50,908
Now, I just had to make my
mom a compliment sandwich.
286
00:09:50,963 --> 00:09:53,135
- There he is!
- Gah!
287
00:09:53,169 --> 00:09:54,736
Were you just waiting
for me at the door?
288
00:09:54,771 --> 00:09:56,238
Well, yes, but only for hours.
289
00:09:56,272 --> 00:09:58,440
Now, tell me, tell me, tell me
how much you loved it.
290
00:09:58,474 --> 00:10:00,035
I'll start you off.
291
00:10:00,109 --> 00:10:01,230
"It was perfect."
292
00:10:01,277 --> 00:10:04,340
I-I hear people saying that...
Like you, right now.
293
00:10:05,395 --> 00:10:07,649
And I also want to add...
You did it, girl.
294
00:10:07,683 --> 00:10:10,352
Yeah, well, what
about my writing, my stories?
295
00:10:10,419 --> 00:10:11,753
Were they everything
you thought, and more?
296
00:10:11,788 --> 00:10:13,488
Oh, so much more.
297
00:10:13,523 --> 00:10:15,731
- You did it, girl!
- You said that already. Get to it.
298
00:10:15,809 --> 00:10:18,093
Well, I had given
her the top slice of bread.
299
00:10:18,127 --> 00:10:19,466
I guess it was time for the meat.
300
00:10:19,513 --> 00:10:22,153
I hated it hard. Change every word.
301
00:10:22,216 --> 00:10:23,799
Excuse me?
302
00:10:23,833 --> 00:10:25,200
But wait, before you get upset...
303
00:10:27,370 --> 00:10:28,470
You did it, girl.
304
00:10:28,504 --> 00:10:29,838
What are you saying to me?
305
00:10:29,872 --> 00:10:31,606
Oh, balls! My sandwich sucked!
306
00:10:31,641 --> 00:10:33,975
I cooked you in my lady kitchen.
307
00:10:34,010 --> 00:10:37,045
You were my greatest dish,
and this is how you treat me?
308
00:10:37,113 --> 00:10:38,980
I wasn't really thinking
about your lady kitchen
309
00:10:39,015 --> 00:10:40,649
when I was reading your lousy book.
310
00:10:40,683 --> 00:10:42,951
Gasp of gasps!
311
00:10:42,985 --> 00:10:45,287
I have clearly failed as a mother!
312
00:10:45,321 --> 00:10:47,178
And as a cookbook author.
313
00:10:47,240 --> 00:10:48,749
I just want you to know
that what you have done to me
314
00:10:48,795 --> 00:10:50,240
is worse than any horse stomp.
315
00:10:50,288 --> 00:10:52,789
Because I still have eyes to see
316
00:10:52,818 --> 00:10:54,696
how my beautiful boy betrayed me.
317
00:10:54,730 --> 00:10:56,331
She hated the sandwich,
318
00:10:56,365 --> 00:10:57,631
so I tried one more slice of bread.
319
00:10:57,678 --> 00:11:00,650
But... you did it, girl?
320
00:11:01,322 --> 00:11:04,064
Barry and Erica had a new tool
to help them coexist.
321
00:11:04,135 --> 00:11:05,802
Moron, where are the car keys?
322
00:11:05,870 --> 00:11:07,064
And that tool was Geoff.
323
00:11:07,095 --> 00:11:09,291
They're right here.
Erica, I made you your own set.
324
00:11:09,361 --> 00:11:12,309
And, Barry, I attached your keys
to this cumbersome hunk of wood
325
00:11:12,377 --> 00:11:13,478
that I painted in Flyers colors.
326
00:11:13,533 --> 00:11:14,819
Sick!
327
00:11:14,879 --> 00:11:16,613
It's like an orange nunchuck
that starts my car.
328
00:11:16,658 --> 00:11:18,541
Whoa. You're killing it, Geoff-er-ee.
329
00:11:18,580 --> 00:11:20,617
Yep, having a
Geoff-er-ee fixed everything...
330
00:11:20,652 --> 00:11:22,027
Until three hours later.
331
00:11:22,090 --> 00:11:23,387
- Ooh!
- Oh!
332
00:11:23,421 --> 00:11:24,721
- What the hell?
- Yeah.
333
00:11:24,756 --> 00:11:25,775
Why are they here?
334
00:11:25,838 --> 00:11:27,938
'Cause our Geoff-er-ee ruled
that it was my JTP night.
335
00:11:28,000 --> 00:11:31,383
But why did he allow you to throw
deadly lawn darts in the wall?
336
00:11:31,422 --> 00:11:32,763
The lawn darts
were actually a compromise.
337
00:11:32,797 --> 00:11:34,298
We started with a fireman's axe.
338
00:11:34,332 --> 00:11:35,500
There's one on every floor.
339
00:11:35,539 --> 00:11:37,501
Whatever. Everyone leave.
It's after midnight.
340
00:11:37,569 --> 00:11:39,736
Nuh-uh! Night only starts when I sleep.
341
00:11:39,771 --> 00:11:41,171
Geoff-er-ee, you're
supposed to be preventing
342
00:11:41,239 --> 00:11:42,639
this kind of stupidity.
343
00:11:42,674 --> 00:11:45,242
Sure, it's my fault for not
clearly defining day and night.
344
00:11:45,276 --> 00:11:47,144
Actually, I need to be
at the Gap early anyway
345
00:11:47,178 --> 00:11:48,371
to add a new level to the jean wall.
346
00:11:48,441 --> 00:11:51,793
And if I don't get 12 to 14 hours
of shut-eye, I am a wreck.
347
00:11:51,860 --> 00:11:53,767
I think you're struggling with
seasonal depression, bro.
348
00:11:53,801 --> 00:11:55,736
- For sure.
- Now everyone shut up.
349
00:11:55,770 --> 00:11:57,771
You're not going anywhere
till you see Mr. Sun.
350
00:11:57,805 --> 00:11:59,873
Fine. You want the room?
Then I get the car tomorrow.
351
00:11:59,908 --> 00:12:02,142
What? It's my car day!
352
00:12:02,210 --> 00:12:04,945
I was gonna do fishtails
in the ShopRite parking lot!
353
00:12:04,979 --> 00:12:06,380
Geoff-er-ee, throw a flag.
354
00:12:06,414 --> 00:12:08,415
Again, my fault for assuming
you two would demonstrate
355
00:12:08,449 --> 00:12:10,050
the most basic courtesy to each other.
356
00:12:10,084 --> 00:12:11,285
Fine! Take the car.
357
00:12:11,319 --> 00:12:12,920
I'm taking the computer.
358
00:12:12,954 --> 00:12:14,621
Uh-uh! I have a paper due tomorrow!
359
00:12:14,656 --> 00:12:16,156
That you're gonna have to write by hand.
360
00:12:16,224 --> 00:12:18,325
No! Geoff, do something.
361
00:12:18,393 --> 00:12:21,094
Bar, the computer's supposed
to be for doing actual work,
362
00:12:21,129 --> 00:12:22,629
not to hug vindictively
363
00:12:22,664 --> 00:12:24,131
so as to prevent someone
else from using it.
364
00:12:24,165 --> 00:12:25,732
Well, you never specified that.
365
00:12:25,767 --> 00:12:28,835
He got me. I never explicitly
said "no computer cuddling."
366
00:12:28,903 --> 00:12:30,635
Gah! I'll be at the stupid library!
367
00:12:34,108 --> 00:12:36,176
She walked out, and you almost died.
368
00:12:36,244 --> 00:12:37,728
It's probably good
we didn't use the axe.
369
00:12:37,790 --> 00:12:40,500
While Barry and Erica
were pushing Geoff to his limits,
370
00:12:40,570 --> 00:12:43,650
there was no limit to how pushy
my mom could be about her book.
371
00:12:43,685 --> 00:12:45,852
Hey! We're watching The Equalizer.
372
00:12:45,920 --> 00:12:48,789
Now we'll never know
if things were equalized!
373
00:12:48,823 --> 00:12:52,002
After receiving mixed reviews
on my masterwork,
374
00:12:52,072 --> 00:12:55,429
which I took graciously,
I am now seeking feedback
375
00:12:55,463 --> 00:12:58,322
that's not the demented ramblings
of a jealous teenager.
376
00:12:58,377 --> 00:12:59,666
Yeah, good stuff.
377
00:12:59,701 --> 00:13:01,168
If you could just shimmy
to the left a little,
378
00:13:01,202 --> 00:13:02,936
then the remote can do what it does.
379
00:13:02,971 --> 00:13:04,671
I need you to read it
and tell me what you think.
380
00:13:04,706 --> 00:13:06,039
Why us?
381
00:13:06,107 --> 00:13:08,775
Well, you're my father,
and you'd never lie to me.
382
00:13:08,810 --> 00:13:10,611
And Murray will give me
an honest opinion
383
00:13:10,645 --> 00:13:13,513
'cause he lacks the filter
necessary for polite society.
384
00:13:13,548 --> 00:13:15,349
You make a fair point.
385
00:13:15,383 --> 00:13:17,684
We'll read your overwhelming book.
386
00:13:17,719 --> 00:13:19,286
And read they did...
387
00:13:19,320 --> 00:13:21,221
Page after page of dour tales
388
00:13:21,289 --> 00:13:22,956
and unappetizing family history.
389
00:13:22,991 --> 00:13:25,525
My mom couldn't wait to hear
what they had to say.
390
00:13:25,560 --> 00:13:27,661
Stunned silence is always a good sign.
391
00:13:27,695 --> 00:13:29,696
But I need to hear
how much you liked it.
392
00:13:29,731 --> 00:13:31,398
I liked the part where it ended.
393
00:13:31,466 --> 00:13:34,034
Oh, poo, you're just
being an old grump. Dad?
394
00:13:34,068 --> 00:13:36,970
There's no place for an amputation story
395
00:13:37,005 --> 00:13:38,572
in a chicken piccata recipe.
396
00:13:38,640 --> 00:13:40,040
Oh, no. Was Adam right?
397
00:13:40,074 --> 00:13:41,742
Maybe he's not a teenage butt stain.
398
00:13:41,809 --> 00:13:43,210
That sounds right.
399
00:13:43,244 --> 00:13:44,710
Now, if you just scooch to your left
400
00:13:44,734 --> 00:13:47,132
and then crouch down really tiny,
we're back in business.
401
00:13:47,194 --> 00:13:50,150
My mom finally got
that her cookbook wasn't great,
402
00:13:50,184 --> 00:13:52,185
so she brought me an apology that was.
403
00:13:52,220 --> 00:13:55,389
Schmoopy, I made your favorite...
404
00:13:55,423 --> 00:13:57,758
Ooey-gooey marshmallow cookie bars.
405
00:13:57,825 --> 00:14:00,761
Wait, you made me
cookie bars after I told you
406
00:14:00,828 --> 00:14:02,896
your life's work
was a smelly garbage fire?
407
00:14:02,930 --> 00:14:05,170
- You never said those words.
- Out loud.
408
00:14:06,420 --> 00:14:10,237
Well, it has come to my
attention that you may be right.
409
00:14:10,271 --> 00:14:13,407
My cookbook might be
a tad heavy on death,
410
00:14:13,441 --> 00:14:15,609
despair, and religious persecution.
411
00:14:15,677 --> 00:14:17,711
And there was more animal
violence than I expected.
412
00:14:17,745 --> 00:14:19,546
It's just my publisher really wanted me
413
00:14:19,580 --> 00:14:21,548
to lean into the history of my food,
414
00:14:21,582 --> 00:14:24,685
but that history is pretty damn dark.
415
00:14:24,719 --> 00:14:27,254
But this cookie doesn't have
a dark history to me.
416
00:14:27,288 --> 00:14:28,755
Every time I felt down,
417
00:14:28,790 --> 00:14:31,131
you'd make me a pan of these,
and I always felt better.
418
00:14:31,194 --> 00:14:32,259
You did?
419
00:14:32,293 --> 00:14:34,194
And I think that's what
your publisher wants...
420
00:14:34,228 --> 00:14:35,796
Stories about this family.
421
00:14:35,863 --> 00:14:38,598
And no matter what our day
is like, when you cook,
422
00:14:38,633 --> 00:14:41,902
we always find happiness on
our plates and in our hearts.
423
00:14:41,936 --> 00:14:43,904
Write that!
424
00:14:43,938 --> 00:14:45,605
Write that. Write that.
425
00:14:45,640 --> 00:14:47,240
Aah, write it!
426
00:14:47,275 --> 00:14:49,609
No way! I wouldn't know the first
thing about writing a cookbook.
427
00:14:49,644 --> 00:14:50,944
You're so good at putting emotion
428
00:14:50,978 --> 00:14:52,939
into your movies. Just do that.
429
00:14:52,986 --> 00:14:57,918
I suppose I do know how to tug at
the heartstrings in many mediums.
430
00:14:57,952 --> 00:14:59,286
Do your thing. Tug away.
431
00:14:59,320 --> 00:15:01,488
And it has to be done
by tomorrow at 8:00.
432
00:15:01,556 --> 00:15:03,757
While I got roped
into being my mom's ghost writer,
433
00:15:03,791 --> 00:15:05,776
Barry and Erica had written
some new rules of their own.
434
00:15:05,816 --> 00:15:06,869
Whoa!
435
00:15:06,909 --> 00:15:10,497
Behold, Geoffrey,
our elegant tape solution.
436
00:15:10,565 --> 00:15:12,332
We had to take matters
into our own hands
437
00:15:12,400 --> 00:15:14,448
because you failed miserably
as a Geoff-er-ee.
438
00:15:14,510 --> 00:15:17,604
So, you split the room with masking
tape, like on I Love Lucy.
439
00:15:17,667 --> 00:15:20,774
And super smart shows like
Brady Bunch and The Munsters.
440
00:15:20,808 --> 00:15:23,028
One teeny problem...
The door's on Erica's side.
441
00:15:23,075 --> 00:15:24,778
By choice, bro!
442
00:15:24,812 --> 00:15:27,247
I'll use my ninja skills
to scale the building
443
00:15:27,281 --> 00:15:28,747
and enter through a window.
444
00:15:28,794 --> 00:15:31,660
And after he falls and dislocates
his head, the room will be mine.
445
00:15:31,700 --> 00:15:34,788
See, Geoffrey, we didn't need
you or your pathetic binders.
446
00:15:34,822 --> 00:15:37,290
We just needed a roll of this.
447
00:15:37,325 --> 00:15:39,593
Check it. I'm Erica.
448
00:15:39,627 --> 00:15:41,762
I will put that over your
mouth while you sleep.
449
00:15:41,796 --> 00:15:43,163
Then my ghost will haunt you
450
00:15:43,197 --> 00:15:44,965
by farting directly into your pillow,
451
00:15:44,999 --> 00:15:46,867
much like I do in
the realm of the living.
452
00:15:46,934 --> 00:15:48,869
What? I hate you!
453
00:15:48,936 --> 00:15:50,103
She's hitting me, Geoff!
454
00:15:50,138 --> 00:15:51,505
Stay over there! Do something!
455
00:15:51,539 --> 00:15:53,173
- This is all your fault, Geoff!
- Enough!
456
00:15:53,207 --> 00:15:55,342
- What is wrong with you?
- Me?
457
00:15:55,376 --> 00:15:57,110
I get it. You're siblings.
458
00:15:57,145 --> 00:15:58,845
You're not meant to be
college roommates.
459
00:15:58,872 --> 00:16:00,737
But what's worse than
the way you treat each other
460
00:16:00,791 --> 00:16:01,878
is how you treat me.
461
00:16:02,338 --> 00:16:05,051
Let that stupid tape solve all
your problems from now on.
462
00:16:05,119 --> 00:16:06,553
I'm done.
463
00:16:06,621 --> 00:16:07,971
As Geoff laid down the law,
464
00:16:08,049 --> 00:16:10,690
the verdict was in on my
draft of my mom's cookbook.
465
00:16:10,725 --> 00:16:13,026
- I love it.
- Oh, I knew it!
466
00:16:13,060 --> 00:16:15,228
Beverly Goldberg is gonna
be a household name.
467
00:16:15,296 --> 00:16:16,504
Beverly Goldberg?
468
00:16:16,551 --> 00:16:17,831
Oh, no, I'm reading the wrong book.
469
00:16:17,865 --> 00:16:19,715
Oh, your book. Your book is crap.
470
00:16:19,770 --> 00:16:23,737
What? But I took out all the
blood and historical tragedy!
471
00:16:23,805 --> 00:16:25,338
I don't know what that means.
472
00:16:25,373 --> 00:16:27,507
But this right here
feels like it was written
473
00:16:27,542 --> 00:16:29,977
by a sappy, sheltered simpleton.
474
00:16:30,032 --> 00:16:31,805
Ouch. Kind of harsh.
475
00:16:31,870 --> 00:16:33,180
Okay, who are you?
476
00:16:33,250 --> 00:16:37,684
Her hyper-sensitive son
who takes her setbacks personally.
477
00:16:37,718 --> 00:16:38,752
What was wrong with it?
478
00:16:38,820 --> 00:16:40,020
It's a schmaltz fest!
479
00:16:40,054 --> 00:16:42,989
Every word is sappy and cloying.
480
00:16:43,024 --> 00:16:44,928
And why do all the recipes
end with a hug?
481
00:16:44,967 --> 00:16:48,232
'Cause it's the obvious emotional
resolution the audience is craving.
482
00:16:48,303 --> 00:16:50,389
Damn it, why didn't I stay
with the ethnic-cleansing,
483
00:16:50,450 --> 00:16:51,794
horse-stompings version?
484
00:16:51,810 --> 00:16:53,500
Because that sounds God-awful, too?
485
00:16:53,534 --> 00:16:54,835
Well, what am I supposed to do?
486
00:16:54,869 --> 00:16:57,404
Do better! You've got 48 hours.
487
00:16:57,438 --> 00:16:59,539
You want me to rewrite that whole thing?
488
00:16:59,574 --> 00:17:01,541
And why 48 hours?
489
00:17:01,576 --> 00:17:03,543
To whip you into a frenzy.
490
00:17:03,578 --> 00:17:06,079
All the best work comes from terror.
491
00:17:06,113 --> 00:17:07,214
Have fun, now.
492
00:17:07,248 --> 00:17:09,249
Mama, I'm so sorry.
493
00:17:09,283 --> 00:17:10,684
I guess I went a little
heavy on the hugs.
494
00:17:10,718 --> 00:17:12,085
You were just trying to help.
495
00:17:12,119 --> 00:17:14,054
I know 48 hours isn't long,
496
00:17:14,088 --> 00:17:15,956
but Eddie Murphy and Nick Nolte
497
00:17:16,023 --> 00:17:18,024
did a ton of damage in
that time, and so will we.
498
00:17:18,059 --> 00:17:20,870
- Adam, it's over.
- Why?
499
00:17:20,932 --> 00:17:22,596
I always say
"I could have been a lawyer.
500
00:17:22,630 --> 00:17:23,930
"I could have been an author."
501
00:17:23,965 --> 00:17:26,541
But now, I know for sure...
502
00:17:26,634 --> 00:17:28,213
I'm nothing.
503
00:17:31,857 --> 00:17:33,279
After Barry and Erica let
504
00:17:33,350 --> 00:17:34,881
their rivalry go too far,
505
00:17:34,912 --> 00:17:36,446
they set aside their differences
506
00:17:36,480 --> 00:17:38,943
to put a very important
relationship back together.
507
00:17:38,985 --> 00:17:41,232
If you're here to have me settle
another argument, it's not happening.
508
00:17:41,280 --> 00:17:43,600
We're not. We came here
to say we're sorry.
509
00:17:43,670 --> 00:17:44,723
You were right.
510
00:17:44,783 --> 00:17:47,051
We spent the last 18
years living together,
511
00:17:47,119 --> 00:17:49,256
and clearly that wasn't
meant to extend to college.
512
00:17:49,318 --> 00:17:51,279
You were also right about
the way we treated you.
513
00:17:51,341 --> 00:17:52,356
It wasn't great.
514
00:17:52,391 --> 00:17:55,560
The only thing we can agree
on is that you're the best.
515
00:17:55,627 --> 00:17:58,645
I appreciate that, but you
guys got to figure this out.
516
00:17:58,715 --> 00:18:00,856
Oh, don't worry. I think we did.
517
00:18:00,903 --> 00:18:02,713
I'm moving out of the dorm,
518
00:18:02,775 --> 00:18:05,080
and into the Jenkintown
Posse's Jenkintown Pad.
519
00:18:05,119 --> 00:18:07,008
JTP's JTP!
520
00:18:07,042 --> 00:18:09,549
None of us were loving
our living situations.
521
00:18:09,596 --> 00:18:11,179
And we hang out so much together anyway.
522
00:18:11,213 --> 00:18:13,281
Now, we don't have that painful
goodbye at the end of each hang.
523
00:18:13,349 --> 00:18:15,635
And this way, we don't
have a screechy lady
524
00:18:15,690 --> 00:18:17,628
yelling at us to keep it down.
525
00:18:17,667 --> 00:18:19,643
- You get it.
- Sort of.
526
00:18:19,682 --> 00:18:21,089
And check out this sick hole.
527
00:18:21,123 --> 00:18:22,479
You can see the wiring and the pipes.
528
00:18:22,526 --> 00:18:23,725
And there's bars on the window
529
00:18:23,759 --> 00:18:26,525
because these party animals
have to be caged.
530
00:18:26,580 --> 00:18:28,630
But seriously, no one should
come and go after dark.
531
00:18:28,697 --> 00:18:29,898
The floor's not level, either.
532
00:18:29,932 --> 00:18:31,502
Look how this bullet we found rolls.
533
00:18:33,392 --> 00:18:36,137
- I think it's gonna be great.
- For all of us.
534
00:18:36,205 --> 00:18:37,538
You know, when you're not my roommate,
535
00:18:37,609 --> 00:18:39,304
you're a pretty good brother.
536
00:18:39,375 --> 00:18:41,093
Not too bad, yourself.
537
00:18:42,645 --> 00:18:43,811
I'm not sure this is the safest...
538
00:18:43,879 --> 00:18:45,947
Shh! Look how happy they are.
539
00:18:45,981 --> 00:18:48,073
While Barry and
Erica had closed the book
540
00:18:48,136 --> 00:18:50,285
on living together,
I was encouraging my mom
541
00:18:50,319 --> 00:18:52,987
to keep writing her story
as a cookbook author.
542
00:18:53,055 --> 00:18:54,823
Adam, I said I was done.
543
00:18:54,894 --> 00:18:56,057
You can't be!
544
00:18:56,091 --> 00:18:57,894
You've always told me
my dreams are possible,
545
00:18:57,949 --> 00:18:59,417
so I'm here to tell you the same thing.
546
00:18:59,449 --> 00:19:01,162
I know. But we tried it my way,
547
00:19:01,230 --> 00:19:03,131
and we tried it your way,
and neither was good.
548
00:19:03,165 --> 00:19:06,000
But there's another way.
We do it together.
549
00:19:06,068 --> 00:19:07,758
You pull back on the horror stories,
550
00:19:07,813 --> 00:19:09,604
and I pull back on the schmaltz,
551
00:19:09,638 --> 00:19:11,110
and then, we meet
somewhere in the middle.
552
00:19:11,180 --> 00:19:12,829
You think that would work?
553
00:19:12,891 --> 00:19:14,008
I know it will.
554
00:19:19,315 --> 00:19:20,961
I'll get the typewriter.
555
00:19:21,008 --> 00:19:22,640
Sometimes, preserving a relationship
556
00:19:22,726 --> 00:19:25,286
just means adjusting the ingredients.
557
00:19:25,321 --> 00:19:27,989
Well, looks like you got this
place all to yourself now.
558
00:19:28,023 --> 00:19:31,092
Yeah, I'm thinking about
getting a new roommate.
559
00:19:31,126 --> 00:19:34,718
I have someone in mind,
but I treated him really crappy.
560
00:19:35,464 --> 00:19:36,718
What are you saying?
561
00:19:37,433 --> 00:19:39,367
I'm saying that,
562
00:19:39,435 --> 00:19:42,470
if you can forgive me
for being such a jerk,
563
00:19:42,504 --> 00:19:44,287
I would love if you
would move in with me.
564
00:19:44,372 --> 00:19:45,447
Is this really happening?
565
00:19:45,479 --> 00:19:47,104
If you say "yes."
566
00:19:49,178 --> 00:19:51,145
Sometimes, the
answers to all our problems
567
00:19:51,180 --> 00:19:52,799
are right in front of us the whole time.
568
00:19:52,838 --> 00:19:54,115
This is amazing, Mom.
569
00:19:54,149 --> 00:19:55,253
And who knows?
570
00:19:55,284 --> 00:19:57,478
They may even be just a phone call away.
571
00:19:59,269 --> 00:20:00,495
Hello.
572
00:20:01,848 --> 00:20:03,533
Oh. Hi, Mr. Whitby.
573
00:20:04,095 --> 00:20:05,662
You read the rewrite?
574
00:20:05,730 --> 00:20:07,330
Oh.
575
00:20:07,398 --> 00:20:09,270
Uh-huh. Okay. Okay.
576
00:20:10,726 --> 00:20:12,286
- Well?
- Tell us.
577
00:20:13,971 --> 00:20:16,151
I'm a [bleep] cookbook author!
578
00:20:16,229 --> 00:20:17,818
In the end,
579
00:20:17,872 --> 00:20:20,083
you never know what life's
gonna cook up for you.
580
00:20:20,144 --> 00:20:22,645
One thing's for sure...
The sweetest moments
581
00:20:22,680 --> 00:20:24,314
are even better
when the people around you
582
00:20:24,348 --> 00:20:26,015
are there to serve up a hug,
583
00:20:26,083 --> 00:20:28,923
even if it is the obvious
emotional resolution.
584
00:20:30,161 --> 00:20:32,282
_
585
00:20:35,092 --> 00:20:38,078
Wow. A lot of food to eat.
586
00:20:38,260 --> 00:20:40,302
_
587
00:20:50,419 --> 00:20:53,027
Cheggit. My mom sent me one of
her famous honey salt pies.
588
00:20:53,090 --> 00:20:54,457
Ooh, smells delish.
589
00:20:54,491 --> 00:20:55,582
Let me rip into a slice.
590
00:20:55,653 --> 00:20:57,987
It's funny that you say "rip,"
because this recipe
591
00:20:58,022 --> 00:20:59,889
actually comes from
my great-great-uncle Harold.
592
00:20:59,957 --> 00:21:01,367
Every limb of his body was ripped off
593
00:21:01,433 --> 00:21:02,466
by an amateur circus bear.
594
00:21:02,523 --> 00:21:03,450
Oh, my God, what?
595
00:21:03,489 --> 00:21:04,945
Yeah, but don't worry.
The bear didn't kill him.
596
00:21:04,999 --> 00:21:06,640
He just left him as a stump and a head.
597
00:21:06,687 --> 00:21:09,179
- And that's good?
- Well, not for what comes next.
598
00:21:09,249 --> 00:21:11,108
He was on top of a hill,
and lost control of
599
00:21:11,187 --> 00:21:13,706
his crude homemade body wagon,
and he was thrown 100 feet
600
00:21:13,768 --> 00:21:16,557
into a nearby river,
and bobbed for six miles.
601
00:21:16,604 --> 00:21:18,292
Luckily, another bear came
and finished him off.
602
00:21:18,354 --> 00:21:20,557
Two bears? That's the most
horrible thing I've ever heard!
603
00:21:20,596 --> 00:21:21,617
Yeah, it's not great.
604
00:21:21,687 --> 00:21:23,993
But bears like honey,
so grab yourself a fork.
605
00:21:24,079 --> 00:21:29,079
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com