ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s, a cruise was everyone's dream vacation.
It was the best game show prize...
A floating luxury hotel,
and it was the only vacation with its own theme song.
** If they could see you now
ALL: ** Out on a Fun Ship cruise
** Eating fancy food and doing what you choose
** All I can say is wow
** Hey, look at where you are
** Tonight we're living... Pow!
** Just like a movie star
** What a fun ship, holy cow
** They'd never believe it
** If your friends could see you now **
Why is this peppy broad all in my face?
She never stops moving. She's like a lady Chihuahua.
That's the vivacious Kathie Lee Gifford,
whose energy and spunk knows no bounds.
She's basically me if I were a sassy redhead.
Well, the best part is she's singing about
making her horrible land-bound friends jealous.
That's exactly what I would do.
Being trapped on a floating motel
is not my idea of a vacation.
Once you get into international waters,
the laws of man no longer apply.
You can jaywalk or violate federal copyrights.
We'll see who's boss now, Mickey Mouse.
None of that's right,
but think of your children who've never seen the world.
The closest I've been to another country
is that Chinese buffet place that also serves pizza.
Yeah, I like my bathroom here,
where I know where all the levers and papers are at.
You're a piece of garbage!
I wish anyone else was my father!
How many times do I have to tell you?
What you think of me as a man does not matter to me.
Eh, I could pay.
Who is saying those words right now?
Me. I'll spring for the whole megillah.
I think you're confused, Pop-Pop.
We're talking about a luxurious vacation,
not the nickel you tape to our birthday cards.
I wanna treat you, huh?
For Hanukkah or whatever.
You usually buy the boys nail clippers or pencil sharpeners.
One time, you gave me the Yellow Pages.
For killing spiders.
I got some Lawry's Seasoned Salt.
Admittedly, that was a re-gift.
And how are you gonna pay for it?
You live above a Burger King.
You don't know my finances.
I got investments, Lord Big Crap of the County think-he's-better-than-me.
Murray, don't you get it?
You and your father have patched things up,
but he wants to take it to the next level.
We're good. When I see him, I don't feel boiling rage.
Maybe you could get closer and feel something even better.
Like a mild warmth?
Like love.
The thing you never had as a child.
It's right there for the taking.
All right, let's go on the dumb ocean.
Yay! It's a snuggle ship!
Ohh!
** I'm twisted up inside
** But nonetheless, I feel the need to say
** I don't know the future
** But the past keeps getting clearer every day **
ADULT ADAM: It was Hanukkah, 1980-something, and Erica was
spending her first holiday with the Schwartzes.
I really appreciate you still coming to my folks' house.
I know it's a big sacrifice to give up the family cruise.
Geoff, I'm thrilled to be here. Aww.
Because I would rather eat my fingers and toes
than be stuck on a boat with my family for a week.
Gonna walk back that aww.
I'm just excited to have a normal holiday
without family drama.
Normal is one thing that the Schwartzes do well. That and Boggle.
I keep forgetting that normal and boring mean the same thing.
(DOOR OPENS)
There they are!
Five minutes late!
Sorry. Holiday traffic.
You know to plan for traffic, Geoffy.
Remember what we always say...
TOGETHER: "Lateness is the opposite of greatness."
I know, I know.
My family also has a saying about being tardy...
"Why are we even going to this thing?"
And then we fight and don't go. (CHUCKLES)
Our first Hanukkah with our son and his girlfriend.
I'm not a crier, but if I were... Whoo!
Oh, my God! Joanne's here!
Joanne's here? Joanne's here!
I'm here!
Joanne, I didn't know you were coming.
Erica! My almost sister!
(LAUGHING) Oh! Oop!
Coming right in my business.
(SIGHS) Sorry I'm late.
Oh, pshh! What's five minutes? (CHUCKLES)
You just had a whole rhyme about it.
Our Jojobean came up with that.
She is the family genius.
So, what have you been up to?
Mostly just partying at law school. (LAUGHS)
Did you hear that? Law school.
I kinda heard partying.
Oh, I still can't handle it.
My daughter is going to be a lawyer.
And your son's gonna be a doctor.
Eh, an ophthalmologist.
Aren't you an ophthalmologist?
That's why I can say it.
Linda, I thought you weren't a crier.
I am when my baby come homes for Hanukkah.
Joanne, we got the guest room all set up for you.
Geoffrey, you two can take your old bedroom.
But you guys converted it into a craft room the day I moved out.
So push some stuff aside. Do I have to hold your hand?
You're holding Joanne's.
My angel's home!
ADULT ADAM: While Erica was getting to know more about Geoff's perfect family,
we were climbing aboard our ocean vessel
for the trip of a lifetime.
Man, what are we gonna do first?
First, I need you to back away from me, okay?
I don't want your Brea Bee relationship musk
spoiling my newly single pheromones.
Pheromones?
Is that why your shirt is glistening like a dog at the beach?
Nah. I pre-oiled my body.
I don't want the honeys
seeing me ungreased,
but I also gotta be ready to
pop this top off at a moment's notice.
I don't know, Bar.
I think you might be still getting over Ren,
and maybe you shouldn't hang all your self-worth
on a random boat gal.
Opposite.
Who I stroll the lido deck with
literally means everything.
Everything.
Yay! St. Johns!
Oh, tropical waters, white sands, fruity drinks!
So, why do you all look like Hawaiian lawyers?
'Cause we're going to St. Johns!
Yeah, St. John, Canada.
It's a nice town. Good puffin skewers, I hear.
What old man words is he saying?
Puffin. It's like a fat penguin.
What, are you too good to eat an endangered seabird?
Yes. Ben, when you said
we were going to St. John's, we naturally assumed
you were talking about the tropical paradise.
Have you seen the prices of Caribbean cruises?
Hmm? No, thank you.
Are you telling me there's gonna be
no bikini-clad babes?
Oh, not a one. The average temp is seven.
The average age is 77.
Those are all the wrong sevens.
That is a stupid way to say thank you.
(BOAT HORN BLOWS)
Quick! Exit the gangway!
No, we have to make this work
for the sake of Dad and Pop-Pop's relationship.
But all I brought
were my flip-flops
and a change of latitude.
Take my credit card, go buy us some coats
and sweatshirts in the gift shop.
Nice. I'll buy gum and not tell you.
(SIGHS) Hi, I'm Jenny, your cruise director.
How can I help you get settled?
We just got the shocking news that this is an Arctic tour,
so we were wondering if there's anything fun to do on board.
Sometimes you can get a glimpse
of the Northern Lights.
Oh, that's something.
Is it beautiful?
I wouldn't know.
But I've only been on this ship for many years.
Follow-up question...
Why the (BLEEP) would anyone go on a trip like this?
We have HBO?
You're telling me I don't have to go on a beach excursion
or some Mayan ruins?
And there's premium cable?
Hoo-hoo!
What kind of grump would enjoy a trip
where he's cooped up in a cabin the whole time?
Hey, you hear the good news?
HBO!
Yeah, now it's really Hanukkah, huh?
****
Isn't this great?
Our first holiday with my family.
Yeah, I was kinda nervous
because I always thought
your family was so normal and perfect.
Totally. Wait. What are you talking about? They are perfect.
Come on. Jojobean? Your parents totally favor her.
That's not true.
They gave you grief for being five minutes late,
but she just waltzes in whenever.
Plus, there's two of us, and we're in the crappy room.
Um, I think you mean the crafty room.
And it's the best. Cheggit.
This bolt of black latex.
What is my mom intending to do with this?
All I'm saying is you don't deserve
to be treated like second-fiddle.
In this house, we have a saying...
Choose to be happy, choose to be kind,
positivity is in your mind.
No one says that.
Um, I believe this pillow begs to differ.
Yikes. Not yikes!
The opposite of yikes. Yum.
Yeah, well, your family's bad at opposites, too.
We're great at opposites and everything else.
Black, white. Up, down.
Schwartzes, Goldbergs.
Okay. It's like that?
Well, I was just trying to be supportive, but I don't have to.
Great. 'Cause I don't need that kind of support.
Fine. Then I'll just curl up in this heavy damask curtain
and not comment on how messed up it is
that they love her more than you.
We're a happy family.
Oh, I know, and I am thrilled to be here.
Love you so much. Love you more!
Pleasant dreams, sugarplum.
I will be right here when you wake up, my darling.
ADULT ADAM: As Erica and Geoff were butting heads,
my dad and Pop-Pop were bonding
over their mutual love of the great indoors.
They watched TV.
Man, I love being out on the ocean.
They sampled the ship's cuisine.
You're right, Mur. They let the old folks cut in line.
What's in the bag? Oh, bacon bits.
I'm taking some of these home.
Smart.
And they relaxed.
They even found time for some activities.
I've got a joke for this square,
but let me know if you've heard it B-4.
(SIGHING) Oh, my God. This guy puts his own spin on it.
Not quite a joke, but a smile.
Like a New Yorker cartoon.
I don't hate it.
I do. (SIGHS)
Excuse me, ancient and wizened co-passenger,
do you happen to have a granddaughter
or a great-granddaughter aboard for me to romance?
What? It's a compliment. I want to kiss a younger you!
Barry, this frozen boat trip may not be the best place
for you to find a replacement...
Shh! The foxy cruise director just made eye contact.
Love is possible anywhere.
Hey, cutie, I'm Jenny, your cruise director.
You look like you could use something hot and sweet.
Oh, my God.
Was the new love of my life into you instead of me?
Maybe. I mean, stranger things have happened.
No, they haven't, ever.
Good news from the cancer doctor.
Your tumor is B-9.
Murray, wake up! You won Bingo!
Bingo! (LAUGHS)
Oh, wow! Wow!
Attaboy! That's my son!
Ben, I can't thank you enough.
This cut-rate maritime bus ride
has been the best Hanukkah gift ever.
Murray's having the time of his life!
Well, I'm glad to hear that. I need him in a good mood.
Right? 'Cause what dad doesn't want his son to be happy?
Yeah.
Oh, no.
Please don't tell me this generous gift
is just a facade for some other cynical agenda.
Of course not!
I do need a little loan, though.
(SIGHS) How little?
Few grand.
Plus the cost of this trip.
(SIGHS)
ADULT ADAM: The next day, my sister decided
she was gonna do what Geoff wanted,
ignore the fact that his family was screwed up just like hers.
Time to light the candles! Who wants to do it?
Ha! Definitely not Geoff!
(LAUGHTER)
I don't get it. Why is that funny?
I haven't been allowed to light candles since I was nine
and I lit the table runner on fire.
His klutzy little hands dropped the match.
My face was hurting so much from laughing.
What an adorable story
about a boy who made an innocent mistake,
which his parents taunt him about well into adulthood.
Thank you for that thorough recap, Erica,
but I love the memory of almost burning down our home.
Blah-blah-boring.
Let me just light that sucker with my Zippo.
Oh, my. You have a lighter with your initials engraved in it.
I'm kind of a smoker now. (GASPS)
Look who's all grown up. (CHUCKLES)
Damn it, Geoffrey! Stop slouching!
Whoopsies. Standing straight will make me great.
That's another one of our fun sayings
that's always directed towards me.
Should we eat? Way ahead of you.
Wait, where's the brisket? I wait all year for it.
Well, keep waiting, 'cause this year, I thought we'd mix it up.
Your sister wanted grouper. GEOFF: Fun!
Who doesn't want to eat a fish with the eyes still on?
Guys, I have an announcement,
and honestly, I'm a little nervous.
Jojobean, what is it?
I'm dropping out of law school
so I can pursue my dream of becoming a professional singer.
Oh. LOU: I'm really disappointed...
That you were nervous to tell us this incredible news.
(LAUGHS)
My little girl is gonna be the next Madonna!
Yeah! What about law school?
Oh, it was a detour, but now I'm on the path
that I was always meant for.
But you were never in a band or choir,
and you can't really play an instrument or even whistle.
This is a passion I found recently
while humming to my shower radio.
I bet a lot of the greats were just the same.
Ooh! Linda Ronstadt, maybe. Sure.
You know, the music business is notoriously difficult.
I mean, Erica, you pursued music.
Maybe you have some thoughts on this?
Oh, I'm just a crazy Goldberg.
I don't want to rub off on your stable family.
Joanne, you are number one in our hearts
and, hopefully, the Billboard charts.
So follow your dreams, girl.
Rock 'n' roll!
Or pop or country or... Whatever.
ADULT ADAM: Erica was staying out of it, but my mom was diving in.
She had to tell my dad the real reason Pop-Pop took us on the cruise.
Murray, we need to talk.
(VOICE BREAKING) Give me a sec.
Oh!
Your father told you?
Yeah.
He wants to play shuffleboard with me.
What's that, now?
When I was a little boy, he never played catch with me.
Now I'm getting the father I always wanted.
You wanna warm up, champ?
"Champ"!
You hear that? Because I'm his champion.
I am now going to practice and make him proud.
So, Blondie, when's the best time
for me to ask the big guy for the dough?
Never.
I'll give you your damn money, but Murray can never find out.
We take this to our graves.
Ooh! Fancy pants over here has grave money.
Looks like I came to the right people.
Okay, let's shuffle.
Wait. This pathetic game is how I'll earn Jenny's love.
Adam, you're gonna be my shuffle partner.
Nah. I'm not a puck guy.
Unless you're talking about A Midsummer Night's Dream.
Then I'd jump at the chance to play a mischievous fairy.
Exactly.
While you keep saying awful stuff like that,
I'll dominate these crusty old men.
No doubt winning Jenny's heart, soul, and bottom.
ADULT ADAM: And so, three generations of Goldbergs shuffled.
We clanked. Look at that.
We scored. Yes!
Barry did whatever this is.
Yes!
And amazingly, pushing pucks pushed my dad and Pop-Pop together.
Wha, wha, wha, wha!
I'm gonna say something I've never said before.
Thank you.
This is the best Hanukkah I have ever had.
Yeah. For me, too.
Ah.
Oh, best cruise ever!
Yep, things were going great in the North Atlantic,
and not too bad in the Schwartzes' living room.
Geoff, this is amazing!
Did you pay someone to do this?
GEOFF: I did it myself.
I took a class in technique as an elective
and just noodled away at that portrait when I had free time.
This is lovely, sweetie.
And it explains the B+ you got in Statistics.
My turn! (CHUCKLES)
Mine's not something you can hold or touch,
but you sure can feel it.
My gift is my song.
(CLICK, MUSIC PLAYS)
(OFF-KEY) ** It's a little bit funny
(LAUGHS)
** This feeling inside
** I'm not one of those who can
** Easily hide
** I know it's not much
** But it's the best I can do
** My gift is my song
And this one's for you!
Bum-bum, bum-bum, bum!
ADULT ADAM: In that moment, Geoff finally had enough.
** And you can tell everybody... **
(CLICK, MUSIC STOPS) To shut the (BLEEP) up!
Geoff, what the hell?
How are you people crying over this?
I literally gave you a work of art!
Wait. Did you not like my gift of song?
Honestly, no. I didn't.
You're not even the best singer in the room.
Erica, just show her.
So, you're cool with my special Goldbergian brand of support?
Yes. And you admit that your family isn't perfect either?
We're clearly a mess. Do it.
** It's a little bit funny
** This feeling inside
Where did she get a microphone?
** I'm not one of those who can easily hide
** I know it's not much But it's the best I can do
** My gift is my song And this one's for you **
What was that?
Mommy, was she better than me?
It doesn't matter. She shouldn't have done that.
Who gives a gift of song when a gift of song has already been given?
My lover does. 'Cause I told her to!
There you go, Geoff!
And don't say "lover" ever again. It's icky.
Felt weird.
And you know what? I'm sick of you guys favoring Joanne!
Where is this coming from?
Something's changed in you.
It's that Goldberg girl. Yeah, her and her family.
Don't you blame her for this.
Erica's the only one who supports me.
In fact, we're leaving.
I've had a lovely time. Thank you for the fish and music.
ADULT ADAM: As Geoff told off his family,
Barry was ready to tell Cruise Director Jenny how he felt.
I hope we can wrap this game up before sundown.
Once it's dark, the temperature plummets.
I'll keep you warm, girl.
You can't.
No one can.
Hey, I don't know what you're doing after this,
but there's a club on board.
I'll be there. You should check it out.
After all that power shuffling, she still prefers you.
It's insane.
Everyone has different tastes.
Different taste is like "Do you like Coke or Pepsi?"
This is like "Do you like Coke or lukewarm dishwater
"that yaps about Star Wars and wears corrective underwear?"
That was for pelvic alignment!
And I've been patient with you
'cause you just got your heart broken,
but this is too far. Ow!
Hey, Jenny My Cruise Director, I'm in for that club.
Jenny My Cruise Director? He has a girlfriend.
Bring her.
We're gonna play games, and we even have Kool-Aid.
She's kinky and she likes fruit punch!
Life's unfair!
It's a club for children, isn't it?
That's right, little sailor!
ADULT ADAM: Turns out, I wasn't the only sailor hitting rough seas.
Aw, come on! That was a gimme!
True enough, but let's just stay focused
on the special father-son memory.
I don't need another memory
of my idiot son buckling under pressure.
Let's not forget what this trip is all about.
No, no, no. Loan or not,
I'll call a moron a moron when he's a moron.
Loan? Ben's just loaning me
his, uh, shuffleboard thingy.
See? Look what I'm doing. (CHUCKLES)
Nice cover-up, Nixon.
Your wife gave me the cash I needed
so you wouldn't get ferkakta about the trip.
Damn it, Ben! You said you'd take that to the grave!
Well, I'm old, so I took it near the grave.
You just wanted money from me. Unbelievable.
****
ADULT ADAM: After yet another disappointment from Pop-Pop,
my dad was ready to get off the cruise... Port or not.
Murray, where are you going?
I gotta find a lifeboat.
You're gonna get in a tiny boat
in the middle of the Labrador Sea?
What are you gonna eat?
I'm sure on the lifeboat, there's provisions and whatnot.
Biscuits.
Biscuits? What about protein?
You know how you get when you don't eat your meats.
That is why I stole a butter knife from the buffet.
Those fish come swimming by... Boom! Surprise!
You hate sushi.
There's a flare gun on that lifeboat. I'll cook 'em up!
What about polar bears?
We're back to the butter knife.
You couldn't chase a possum out from under the house.
How are you gonna kill a polar bear with a butter knife?
With pure adrenaline and the will to survive!
Stop it.
You are not getting off this boat because of your dad.
It's not just 'cause of my dad.
There are other reasons.
Were you ever gonna tell me?
Of course.
But you two looked so happy and you were getting along.
What was I supposed to do?
Stop trying to push us together.
Because then you give me the worst gift of all...
Hope.
ADULT ADAM: As my dad was lost at sea,
Geoff and Erica found themselves alone at home.
Well, Hanukkah dinner's not looking good.
Oh, God, what have I done?
You stood up for yourself.
I know. But I went too far.
Maybe. But take it from a crazy Goldberg.
It's gonna be okay.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
What are you doing here?
We wanted to say we're sorry.
You were right. About everything.
You've always been our sweet, reliable Geoffy.
On the other hand, there's Joanne.
(SIGHS) She's a lot.
So we give her a lot.
But that doesn't mean it's not unfair.
So it changes now.
We popped her balloon about the singing.
It is bad.
She's going back to law school.
And from now on, we're gonna be more honest with each other.
Just like the Goldbergs.
But, you know, less so.
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
(CHUCKLES)
ADULT ADAM: In that moment, Erica felt like
she really was a part of Geoff's family...
His perfectly messed-up family.
I'm sorry for calling you dishwater.
You're not.
You're a desirable, sensual being with needs and wants.
Wow.
I guess my breakup with Ren rocked me pretty hard.
It just feels like no one will ever love me again, you know?
ADULT ADAM: In that moment, I saw a Barry that I wasn't that familiar with,
vulnerable, scared, and defeated.
There was nothing I could say.
Or was there?
Yeah, Bar, here's the thing...
Jenny is in love with you.
What? It's basically true.
I went to claim my prize...
Her body.
But she told me she was just using me to get to you.
That makes so much sense! Of course it does.
Obviously, you can't speak to her about this
because of all the maritime laws.
It'd be stuck in an international tribunal for years.
I don't want that. No one does.
But at least you know now you're incredibly special.
And no doubt there's someone perfect out there for you.
On land.
(YOUR SONG BY ELLIE GOULDING PLAYS)
You know, you're a pretty good brother.
Well, I got an older one who's taught me a lot.
ADULT ADAM: Sometimes a white lie can solve a problem.
And other times, all you need is the truth.
Can I sit?
Why? So you can pretend to be my dad so I'll give you money?
All right, fine. I'm a jerk.
We're on the same page.
Yeah, let me finish.
I'm a jerk, so people don't stick around.
See, I thought that was okay.
But I'm getting older.
The other day, I couldn't get my groceries upstairs,
and I figured no one's gonna help me.
Why would they?
So, you took me on this cruise so I'd give you money? For what?
I don't know.
Maybe a nurse?
Or someplace that has bars in the shower?
I don't know. It's all terrible.
What's terrible is that you think you have to bribe me to take care of you.
What do you mean? Y-You'd do it for nothing?
Of course I will. You're my father.
Thank you.
And now, uh, not for nothing, I enjoyed myself on this tub,
uh, with you.
We had some moments.
Yeah, we did.
ADULT ADAM: And there was still one more great moment left.
** And you can tell everybody
** That this is your song
** It may be quite simple, but
** Now that it's done
** I hope you don't mind I hope you don't mind
** That I put down in words **
ADULT ADAM: Turns out, even the hardest journeys are worth it
when you're with the people who matter most.
****
On the boat. Let's take a look around, shall we?
All right, here we got our 20-foot picture window.
That's where Dad sleeps.
That's where Dad hit his head, by the way. (CHUCKLES)
Pop-Pop's Hanukkah gifts are here.
Get ready to be underwhelmed.
Sweet! A bowling ball?
With no finger holes.
Damn it! It's just a 16-pound marble!
Still better than mine.
I got a shower cap.
And it's wet!
But I'm the biggest loser.
He got me a box of trash bags.
I don't know. We can make it work.
(SIGHS)
Nice.
Trash coming in!
Barry, no! Oh!