Previously on The Affair...
You were a good dad...
[door closes]
...and Mom was a great mom and...
and we were happy.
-Hello, friend. -Hello, friend.
[Whitney] Or at least I thought we were.
Do you know why I m-married you?
I thought you were safe.
I knew you would never cheat, you wouldn't leave,
and we would have a nice life.
It's so hard, living up to your goddamn standards all the time.
Dad, what the fuck?! [screams]
[Whitney] I thought that he'd turned a corner or something.
After everything he's already put us through.
Sometimes with toxic people, you have
to make a clean break.
[Noah over phone] "Over the course of my reporting
on Solloway, six women, three of whom
wish to remain anonymous..."
What?
-[phone chimes] -Is that news?
[Noah] That was just a brushfire near the Getty.
[Helen] How did that reporter know
how to find Eden?
Because you told her?
I'm not the bad guy here.
Noah's name is off the movie, his movie.
Because that's what you wanted.
This movie is my baby.
All of this is my fault.
Your dad didn't do anything wrong.
Why are you still defending him?
Because he's your father, and you guys need your father.
Don't say that. This isn't about us.
This has never been about us.
What is it about?
You could never let him go.
♪ I was screaming into the canyon ♪
♪ At the moment of my death ♪
♪ The echo I created ♪
♪ Outlasted my last breath ♪
♪ My voice it made an avalanche ♪
♪ And buried a man I never knew ♪
♪ And when he died, his widowed bride ♪
♪ Met your daddy and they made you ♪
♪ I have only one thing to do ♪
♪ And that's be the wave that I am, and then ♪
♪ Sink back into the ocean ♪
♪ I have only one thing to do ♪
♪ And that's be the wave that I am, and then ♪
♪ Sink back into the ocean ♪
♪ I have only one thing to do ♪
♪ And that's be the wave that I am, and then ♪
♪ Sink back into the ocean, sink back into the ocean ♪
♪ Sink back into the o... ♪
♪ Sink back into the ocean ♪
♪ Sink back into the o... ♪
♪ Sink back into the ocean ♪
[Whitney] You're a narcissist.
You're a vampire. You have no soul.
-Whitney. -You burn through people,
and when you're done using them,
you just leave them on the side of the road.
All right, honey, calm down.
Alison probably fucking killed herself
because of what you did to her.
-Stop it! -And you?
You can't survive without him, can you?
You're a codependent nightmare.
-[Noah] Please, that's enough. -I fucking hate you both.
-That's enough! -You deserve each other!
[Noah crying]
Is it true, what she said about the hot tub?
I didn't know it was her. I...
[siren wailing in distance]
I...
I'm gonna go talk to her.
-I'm gonna leave-- -No, you can't fucking leave.
Okay? You can't run away.
Because we have to fix this.
So I'm gonna go talk to her,
and don't go anywhere.
[sighs]
Look, I know you're upset.
We're all upset.
It's been a terrible, terrible day.
But...
...your dad...
Look, he's made mistakes.
Nobody knows that better than I do.
But he's not a bad man.
I mean, don't you think he's being punished enough right now?
By everybody?
By the world?
And, Whitney, I-I don't think this is the time to fight.
We need to support each other.
We're family.
What did you just say?
We're the only family you have, Whitney.
We are not a fucking family.
And I'm tired of pretending like we are.
You're holding onto a myth.
Okay, I know. You're upset.
Yes, I'm upset. I'm very upset.
But I'm not crazy.
It's obviously more important to you
to hold on to a fantasy of being a perfect mom,
of being the one who held us all together than it is
for you to admit that this whole thing is a fucking charade.
Dad only cares about himself, and you only care about Dad.
That is not true.
Yes, it is.
♪ slow, dramatic music ♪
Will you please come back outside
and just talk to us?
I mean, you're getting married in three weeks.
How-how are we gonna do that if you're not even talking to us?
I mean, how is he gonna walk you down the aisle?
He's not.
What?
He's not gonna walk me down the aisle
because he's not coming to my wedding.
Of course he's invited to your wedding.
He's your father.
You know, he made you. He and I.
We made you. You wouldn't be here without us.
-You don't get it. -I do get it. I just think
you're being kind of shortsighted right now
and actually pretty fucking cruel.
You know, all I want for myself in life
is not to end up like you.
Jesus. Fucking Noah.
[door opens]
[sighs]
Where's Dad?
He had to go take care of stuff.
[Colin] Where's Whitney?
She's in the bedroom.
[Stacey] What now?
[Trevor] Well, I'm starving.
Wonder if Whitney's got any food.
Mom, what now?
You're gonna have to just give me a minute.
Okay, honey? Please.
[emergency alert sounding]
[line ringing]
[Noah] Hi, it's Noah. Leave a message.
[line ringing]
Hi, it's Noah. Leave a message.
Mrs. Solloway?
Uh, Butler. Call me Mrs. Butl...
No-no, just call-call me Helen.
[Colin] Uh, I'm sorry to ask this
at what I know is a very stressful time,
but might you have any idea
where Whitney's birth certificate is?
Uh... wh... her birth... What?
[Colin] Yeah, we need it to get our marriage license.
Oh, um...
Yeah, I'm sure I have it somewhere. I can get it.
That would be great.
We actually are about to miss the deadline,
and if we don't have that, I'll miss the deadline
for my green card.
Shit.
-What? -It's not at my house.
-It's at Noah's house. -Why?
Because that's what happens when you get divorced, Whitney.
You split up the the passports and the birth certificates.
-Why? -So neither one of us will,
I don't know, flee the country with all of you guys.
I took Martin and Stacey's,
your dad took yours and Whitney's.
Why would you give mine to Dad?
Oh, clearly, because I was trying to traumatize you.
I mean, what the fuck, Whitney?
We just divided 'em up randomly.
You know what?
Uh, I'm just gonna go get it.
-Myself. -[Stacey] Wait, are you leaving?
Yeah. You're gonna be okay, sweetheart.
Don't worry about it. Your sister is here.
All right? She can take care of you
for a little while. I think it would be good for her
to be responsible for somebody besides herself for a change.
[sighs]
See what it's like.
[newswoman] Voluntary evacuations are underway
for Topanga Canyon and surrounding areas.
The fire continues to grow, with zero percent containment.
Fire officials are suggesting anyone living
in the area to make preparations to evacuate.
[newsman] More than 200 firefighters
are already involved in fighting the blaze,
with more on the...
♪ slow, somber music ♪
♪♪♪
Noah?
♪♪♪
Noah.
Noah, wake up.
Noah.
Come on. Noah.
[mutters]
[sighs]
[birds chirping]
[drawer opens]
How do you not know where it is?
It should be in here.
This is where I keep most of my important stuff.
It's not there. I don't know where the fuck it went.
Clearly.
Helen, it's not in with my spoons.
Well, who knows? It could be anywhere, right?
Could you stop doing that?
Why, I'm sorry, is it bothering you?
-Do you have a hangover? -Stop that! Stop it!
How the fuck did you not know it was her in the hot tub?
What are you really asking?
Because I find it highly improbable you could get
that close to your own daughter and not recognize her.
Oh, so you're saying that I-I did recognize her?
And I went after her?
Helen?
-No. -Are you sure? 'Cause if that's
-what you really think-- -I don't, I don't.
So you're just trying to make me feel like
a complete shit for no reason?
No, no, not for no reason!
There's a reason.
Years ago, you traumatized our daughter
and you never even fucking mentioned it!
And at this point, Noah, I don't know
if you're stupid or evil or crazy or all three.
But you really should definitely feel like a complete shit.
-I do! -Good!
What was she even doing at that party, Helen?
-Oh, my God. -She was in high school.
What was she doing out in Montauk
by herself, in a hurricane?
Are you really trying to say that this is my fault?
Oh, no, of course not. Nothing's ever your fault.
Oh, please. You are incredible.
I am so fucking tired of you lecturing me.
With your self-important, fucking self-righteous,
holier-than-thou...
You don't think I fucking hate myself for that night?
That was the worst night of my life--
-Oh, my God. Your life? -Yes!
My life. My fucking life!
I lost my daughter that night. You don't think I know that?!
You don't think I've been trying ever since
to try and make it up to her?
I would do anything-- anything-- to undo what happened.
And finally, finally,
last week in Montauk, I...
preparing for the wedding, we had fun and...
[sighs]
We were father and daughter again.
If I could just give her that.
If I can just give her a good wedding
with us all there together
-having fun, then-- -She doesn't want you there.
What do you mean?
I mean, you're not invited to the wedding.
What, she said that?
Yeah.
Jesus Christ.
Oh, wow.
[chuckles]
What's this? "Dear-dear Helen..."?
That's the letter I wrote to you the night before our wedding.
Why do you have it?
'Cause I found it in the trash
in your parents' guest room the next day,
and so I fished it out and kept it.
What does it say?
"Dear Helen."
"I can't believe tomorrow is our wedding day."
"I love you so much.
You're the best thing that ever happened to me.
I know we've had some hard times,
but I'm so glad we've stuck it out." [chuckles]
"I love what we have and are building together,
and I think you and I are worth the effort."
"I have countless superlatives for you,
but at the risk of belaboring,
I think you're beautiful..."
...uh, "sexy, brilliant, kind, tough, strong,
brave, gentle, creative, funny, thoughtful.
You're a really good person, but mostly you're the person
whom I'm most excited to see every day.
I'm so grateful you're gonna be my wife.
Love, Noah."
[clears throat]
♪ slow, dramatic music ♪
♪♪♪
Did you think I threw that away?
I didn't know.
Well, I wouldn't have. I just...
I probably just put it somewhere.
I'm so careless.
You used to write me letters like this all the time.
Well, I wanted to be a writer.
Yeah, and I just assumed
there'd be more of them, that they'd just keep coming.
I never imagined you'd stop loving me.
[banging on door]
-Hi. -Hey.
Hi, folks. We're starting a mandatory evacuation.
[Noah] I'm sorry, what?
[sheriff] The winds shifted overnight.
The fire's headed towards the canyon.
-Shit. -It's only a few miles away now
and it's burning quickly. You have to leave.
You mean, like, right now?
Yes, and if you have a car, there are
a few people making their way down the main road on foot.
We're asking people with any extra room to pick them up.
Okay, yeah, sure.
-We'll see you down there. -Yeah.
Okay, what...? Should we just do...
get some water bottles or something? Or, uh...
Do you have a fire extinguisher?
Is that a stupid idea?
What about Whitney's birth certificate?
You know what? Fuck it.
There are other ways to get a birth certificate. Come on.
Put your shoes on.
What are you doing?
I can't go.
What?
-I'm not going. -What are you talking about?
I don't know what to take, Helen.
Nothing. Take nothing. I mean, we don't have any time.
Well, I-I-I can't just leave it here. What if it burns?
So let it burn. It's all just stuff.
It's not just stuff. It's all I've got.
-Noah. -Helen,
you don't understand. You have the kids, I don't.
They don't want anything to do with me anymore.
This is all I've got left.
Everything that happened, it's here, it's all this...
photo albums and letters and...
I can't just leave it. I can't.
Okay. Fine, we'll put it all in the fucking car. Let's just go.
-No... you go. I'm-I'm staying. -No, I'm not leaving here--
Just fucking go, Helen!
What are you doing here anyway?
-What do you mean? -Why did you come here?
I... because... [stammers]
to find the-the birth certificate.
Well, you could've just called me,
-told me to look for it. -I did call you.
I called you twice and you didn't answer.
No, I think Whitney's right. I think you, I think you have...
I think you have some weird codependency with me
or some obsession, I-I don't know what it is.
It's not right.
Are you serious right now?
It's not appropriate, Helen. I'm not your husband anymore.
You shouldn't be here.
I hope you burn.
[helicopter blades whirring]
You guys want a ride?
That would be great, thank you.
All right, get in.
All right, I got it.
-Thank you. -Yeah.
-Thank you. -Where's the...? Ah.
[car chimes]
Okay, let's go.
I'm Anna. This is John.
Th-Thank you again.
Our car broke down the other day.
I was gonna fix it this morning, but my wife is so pregnant...
Thank you, seriously.
It's gonna be okay.
This car was built to withstand a chemical attack,
so it's gonna be okay. You all right?
I think there's some water back there in the door.
[car horns honking]
[John] What's that noise?
[Anna] What's happening?
[honking continues]
[sighs]
Oh, my God.
[fire truck horn honks]
[sirens wailing]
[Helen] Where is the apocalypse button?
How do you survive chemical warfare
in this car?
[Anna] It was your fucking idea to move here, John.
I wanted to live in Marina del Rey,
but you were like,
"Let's move to Topanga. That way nobody will bother us."
I like when people bother us.
I like having people around.
We're about to have a baby, for Christ's sakes.
[John] Yeah, I know.
[Anna] So maybe it's time for you to get over
your fucking social anxiety,
take your Xanax, and face the world.
It's not just you anymore.
-There's three of us now. -[siren chirps]
-[motorcycle approaching] -Oh, great.
-Excuse me, Officer. -[John coughs]
Would you please roll up the window, please?
There's too much smoke.
Look, I'm gonna take care of you, okay?
Of you and the peanut.
I promised that I would, and I will.
You've been doing a real bang-up job of it so far.
Look, the fire is not my fault, Anna, okay? I didn't set it.
I didn't say you fucking set it, John.
I said we shouldn't have been here in the fucking first place.
Okay, you guys, I'm sorry to interrupt, okay,
but this is, this is not helping, all right?
I know you're scared,
but screaming at each other is just a waste of time,
and it's just... it's just a waste of energy,
and it's gonna dehydrate you.
All right, you're gonna be parents.
You're a team now, you have to remember that.
What does this do?
-[air blowing] -[car chimes]
[sighs] Bingo.
Okay.
[inhales and exhales deeply]
Okay, we can relax.
Just have to wait for this traffic to get moving.
-[siren wailing] -[helicopter blades whirring]
♪ There's no ♪
♪ Saving anything ♪
♪ Now we're swallowing the shine of the sun ♪
♪ There's no ♪
♪ Saving anything ♪
♪ How we swallow the sun ♪
♪ But I won't be no runaway... ♪
[newsman] It's moving incredibly quickly,
and at zero percent contained,
it's still considered a very dangerous situation.
The Santa Ana winds died down last night,
but they're expected to pick back up this afternoon,
which could mean more evacuations in Los Angeles
and Ventura Counties. Now back to you, Molly.
[Molly] Thanks, Charles.
We go now to Suzie Lee, who's live with a member
of our brave Los Angeles Fire Department,
with some advice for people based on recent experience.
Suzie.
Thanks, Molly. I'm here with Dan Foster.
Dan, you've faced this sort of thing before.
What advice would you give people in this situation?
[Dan] Well, these things are unpredictable, uh,
but I guess something my captain told me years ago
has always stayed with me.
He said, in circumstances like these,
"movement is life." If you move, you live.
If you stay, you die.
So if they're telling you to leave, people, leave.
Don't wait, just go.
♪ slow, somber music ♪
♪♪♪
[grunts]
Fuck.
[line ringing]
[Whitney] Hi, it's Whitney. Leave a message.
[typing]
♪ pensive music ♪
♪♪♪
[line ringing]
[Whitney] Hi, it's Whitney. Leave a message.
Whit, I, uh...
[helicopter passing outside]
[Jeffries] Why don't you tell me how it began?
[Alison] Oh, it was so long ago, who remembers?
[Jeffries] We're hoping that you do, Ms. Bailey.
[Alison] It all began on a dark and stormy night.
-[chuckles] -Oh, God, no.
I'm kidding. Please... don't write that down.
[Jeffries] Do you remember seeing him for the first time?
[Alison] Yeah.
[Jeffries] Do you remember what you thought?
Ms. Bailey?
[Alison] No, but I remember he was holding his daughter.
♪ gentle music ♪
♪♪♪
Look, I can't really tell you what I was thinking.
That first year, everything was still such a blur.
But I do remember the sun was really bright,
like, unusually strong for so early in the season.
There was no place to hide.
I liked this one spot by the lighthouse.
The waves out there seemed even angrier than I was.
[stops playback]
[taps key]
[Jeffries] How old were you when it began?
[Alison] I was 31 years old.
I remember promising myself I'd get to 35.
I'd make it through till then.
And if nothing had changed...
...well, then I had tried hard enough.
-♪♪♪ -[dialogue inaudible]
[stops playback]
Oh, Alison.
I'm so sorry.
Wish I could go back and...
♪ slow, somber music ♪
♪♪♪
[Jeffries] Mr. Solloway, hi.
Thanks for coming in.
[Noah] Not like I had much of a choice.
[Jeffries] Well, we'll try not to take up
too much of your time.
So, can you tell us a bit about who you were back then?
Mr. Solloway?
[Noah] Uh, I don't understand the question.
What exactly do you want to know?
[Jeffries] How were you feeling about your life?
[Noah] Fine. Fine.
[Jeffries] Can you say a little more?
[Noah] Great. I was feeling great, you know?
My children were healthy. My wife was beautiful.
My life was pretty fucking perfect.
I-I was a happy man back then.
I... was proud of my family,
my first book had just come out, I...
Everything I'd promised myself I'd achieve
when I was a young man, I... I'd done it.
[Jeffries] But...
[Noah] Well, that's it. There is no "but."
When I look back, I... I can't tell you why it happened.
I was restless, sure, but all men are restless.
But you give up certain personal liberties
to live in a secure state.
On all levels.
National. Municipal. Marital.
I never had any problem with that.
I enjoyed being married.
When other men used to complain about their wives,
I'd just think, "Poor sucker made a bad choice."
-[taps key] -I enjoyed being married.
When other men used to complain about their wives,
I'd just think, "Poor sucker made a bad choice."
[taps key]
[rapid banging on door]
-Hi. -Hey.
I saw your car. I figured you were still here.
I'm sorry, who are you?
Uh, Ned, I'm from next door.
Been there for 50 years and I am not leaving.
That's what I told the sheriff.
Well, I am. I'm leaving right now.
Well, you can't. It's-it's too late.
What?
I just spoke to the sheriff.
The fire is coming down the canyon.
You can't get out.
-Really? -You can't go.
-You got to shelter in place. -What?
Yeah, clean your gutters,
rake your yard, hose down your house,
put wet towels underneath your door,
fill up the bathtub.
And if you've got a basement, well, that's even better.
But you can't go.
Topanga Canyon is completely gridlocked.
How much time do we have?
Uh, m-maybe an hour.
Maybe two hours.
You know, they're-they're trying to move people
into the fire station.
That is a fool's errand if you ask me.
I'm going. Good luck.
Yeah. Nice house.
You can have it.
-[sirens wailing] -[excited chatter]
-[helicopter blades whirring] -[people coughing]
-[coughing] -Stay with them, stay with them.
♪ dramatic music ♪
♪♪♪
Helen?
-Don't even think about it, fucker! -Ah, fuck.
Okay. Okay, fuck, fine. Fuck you.
[coughing]
Helen. Open the window.
No, there's too much smoke.
-We have to get out of here. -What?
Open up. Come on, get out.
What the fuck, Noah?
The fire's coming. We have to get out of here.
No. They just told us to stay.
-Who did? -Some... this guy.
He said the traffic's starting to move
down at the bottom; we just have to wait a few minutes.
It's not true. The-the fire is an hour away.
We have to get out of here.
Don't worry, look. You see this ridge right here?
I've hiked it before. There's a fire road up here,
it goes all the way down to the ocean.
We just have to get up there.
Okay, what about them?
Who the fuck are they?
I don't... I picked them up. They don't have a car. [coughs]
Okay, well, they'll have to come with us.
-She's pregnant. -Oh, fuck, look, Helen,
I don't know what to say, but we have to go.
Movement is life. If we stay here,
we'll probably fucking die.
Fuck.
[man] Forget the car, we got to go.
[coughing]
Ah, fuck.
-They coming? -No. Now what?
Here.
[coughs]
Take this. Follow me.
-[horns honking] -[helicopter blades whirring]
Okay, we need to get down there, cross the ravine,
-and hike up the other side. -That's miles.
It's not, it's okay. We can do it.
-No. No way. -Helen,
I know you're scared, but you got to trust me.
[helicopter passing]
Shit.
[horns honking]
All right?
♪ contemplative music ♪
♪♪♪
[helicopter passing]
♪♪♪
[Helen] Is this how we're gonna die?
Probably not.
[sighs]
Jesus, I don't want to die.
Neither do I, so let's just keep going.
[Helen] You seemed pretty resigned to it three hours ago.
Yeah, I guess I was.
And?
Why, you disappointed?
What happened?
Ah, you'll think I'm nuts.
Try me.
I listened to the recordings
of the depositions that Alison and I gave to Jeffries.
Yeah?
I don't know, it was...
It was just hearing my own voice from back then,
it reminded me of something I used to know.
What?
How to be happy.
Eh, you think I'm crazy.
I keep thinking about what Whitney said,
that her worst fear is really turning into me.
She was upset. She didn't mean it.
No, she absolutely meant it.
Said I was codependent.
If Whitney turns out anything like you,
she should count herself fucking lucky.
I don't know, maybe she's right.
Maybe I am a pathetic, desperate enabler.
I've never been able to stand on my own two feet.
You're not.
Well, thank you, but I'm not sure
I can trust your opinion.
Well, what about what she said about me?
What'd she say?
That I burn through people,
that I use them up and discard them.
Think she's right about that?
You want the truth?
Yeah, I know.
-You do? -Yeah, of course I do.
Well, why do you do it?
Wish I knew.
I always thought it was because you were so deeply insecure,
you were afraid if you stayed with someone long enough,
they'd find out how inadequate you are.
Thanks.
I know it sounds harsh, but we're basically
flirting with death here, right?
Oh, fuck.
I mean, I might not get another chance to--
Helen, wait.
Oh, shit.
I guess we climb down.
Oh, my God.
♪ suspenseful music ♪
We can't hike back. That's not an option.
Yeah, but I can't climb down that.
-I mean, I ca... I can't. -It's not that far.
Oh, God.
Okay... okay, look.
How about I go first
-and find a way down? -No.
And then, if I fall, at least the kids'll have you.
-Oh, my God, no! Wait. -No, no, but if I make it...
-What?! We'll just wait. -I'll make it.
I'll make it, okay? And I'll guide you down.
And then, if you fall, I'll catch you.
[laughs] I'll crush you.
-That's insane. -You're okay.
I mean, it's idiotic. It's just,
there's got to be another way out of here
if we just hike back to...
Oh, my God, Noah!
Shit. Just follow me.
Noah! Noah!
♪ dramatic music ♪
♪♪♪
[breathing heavily]
♪ exciting, suspenseful music ♪
♪♪♪
Noah!
I'm okay. I'm okay.
[straining]
Okay, your turn.
Helen?
Come on, you can do this.
No, I'm good.
You should just go get help, and come back and get me.
Helen, y-you can't just sit there. Tha-That's not an option.
I think it is.
You have to trust me.
[scoffs] Why would I trust you?
Every time I trust you, something terrible happens.
Helen, please.
The kids, the kids need you.
I need you.
We can't do this without you.
Please come down.
Oh, fuck.
Okay, that's great! That's great.
[chuckles] You got it.
♪ slow, suspenseful music ♪
♪♪♪
Go on, that's it.
You got it.
That's it. You got it, you got it.
Okay, there's a hold just a few inches down.
Test it first.
-Oh, my God. -Ah, fuck!
Oh, are you okay?
Yeah, I'm fine.
I'm stuck.
No, you're not.
There's a foothold just below the one you just tested.
[breathing heavily]
Ugh. I can't reach it.
Yes, you can, but you have to let go of your right hand
and bend your knee.
Where's this foot?
Shit, okay.
That's it.
It's just, like... it's, like, two inches below
where you want it to be.
Helen, y-you can't just freeze. You have to keep going.
Movement is life.
You know what? Could you please fucking stop
mansplaining to me right now?!
I'm not mansplaining.
I'm...
I'm... Look, you're hanging from a fucking rock face
and you might die.
I-I'm just trying to help.
I am not gonna fucking die, and the only reason
I'm hanging from a rock face is because of you.
Because you don't plan.
You don't think ahead.
You just do what you want, and you don't think about
the consequences.
I don't think that's fair.
And another thing.
What the fuck is up with this "movement is life" bullshit?
That is just something that men say.
Oh.
"I couldn't stay with my wife.
I had to leave my family because...
'movement is life.'"
It's such self-serving hogwash.
[panting]
[laughs]
Ooh.
[laughing] Oh, my God.
-[exhales] Ooh. -[chuckles]
Nice work.
You can hit me if you want to.
[chuckles]
[laughs]
Helen.
Look.
-[Helen] Oh, my God. -[chuckles]
We did it.
Come on. Let's go.
Is that the ravine?
[Noah] Yeah.
Now we just have to go all the way back up.
So we were gonna have a buffet 'cause it's cheaper,
but it's gonna be impossible to keep the food warm
-in those weather conditions. -[Helen] Isn't the tent heated?
Yeah, but it's probably gonna be below freezing,
so I think maybe we should just get 'em to plate it
and then cancel the steak.
Half their friends are vegan anyway.
I can't believe you did all that.
-[chuckles] What? -You planned the whole wedding.
You want to know a secret?
-I really enjoyed it. -[both laugh]
I'll talk to her. I'll get her to change her mind.
No, no, don't, don't.
Don't. It's what she wants, and I don't want to...
Just-just let it be.
[exhales]
Can I ask you something I don't understand?
Of course.
I don't understand how you can be so compassionate sometimes
and sometimes so... cruel.
I mean, we all have our darkness and our bad qualities,
but-but with you, the...
Dichotomy is extreme?
Yes.
Yeah, I've asked myself the same question.
I don't know, I thought about my childhood.
My mother was always dying and my father was never there,
and when he was, he was so angry...
I just wanted to be somewhere else.
Someone else. And then...
and then I got to college
and I met you, and, and you looked at me with fresh eyes
and you told me how much potential I had
and that I was gonna be this great artist.
I remember thinking to myself-- I actually said to myself--
"Don't get caught.
Don't let her see the cracks, and you'll be okay."
-Really? -Yeah. Really.
And I'm sorry, I...
That's no way to begin a relationship, but...
I know that now.
You can't lie your way through a marriage,
hiding from the one person who knows you better
than anyone else and resenting her
when she starts to figure it out.
And then hating her for loving you anyway.
Because what kind of an idiot must she be
if she can't see what a loser you really are?
That's what I did to you, and...
I put my self-hatred onto you.
And I'm really fucking sorry.
I was lying, too.
No, you weren't. You're the most honest person I know.
No, I was.
I mean, I tried to make you think I was this cool girl,
this cool, easygoing person.
[laughs] You...
-You were never easygoing. -Well...
[laughs] You know, you know what I mean.
Independent.
You know... autonomous.
-You sure had me convinced. -I know I did.
But I wasn't... [stammers]
I really wasn't even a person then.
I was like a-a performance of a person.
And all I really wanted
was someone to save me from Bruce and Margaret.
And then what I did to you was so unfair
because I, I-I brought you into my family
with the promise of all of this opportunity,
and I knew my dad would be threatened by you.
And then I just set you up to be the obstacle.
Like, to just take the heat, fight the fights.
I mean, I never stood up for you against them.
I said I did, but I didn't.
No, you didn't.
So I'm sorry, too.
[laughs softly]
Well, okay.
[Helen] Can I ask you another question?
Anything.
If you had never met Alison,
if we had stayed in the city and not gone
to my parents' house that summer like you wanted to,
do you think we would still be together?
I mean, would I ever have been enough for you?
Which answer do you want?
The truth.
It was me who wasn't enough. It wasn't you.
I said to Jeffries I had no idea why it happened,
but that's not true.
I just felt so bad about myself back then.
I'd been writing that first book for what?
Seven years? Eight years?
And then, when it came out, nobody read it.
I thought I'd never get from under the thumb of your father.
Everything I touched turned mediocre.
I wanted to be noticed by someone.
Make an impact. Be a hero.
Then along came this girl who...
she seemed desperate to be saved.
It was more than that. You loved her.
Plenty of people fall in love outside their marriage.
Not everybody leaves.
♪ slow, somber music ♪
No, you're right. I did love her.
I was crazy about her, but that's not why I left.
I was afraid I was gonna die
without ever having done anything in my life.
Now I've done plenty; it turns out I'm gonna die anyway.
Not today.
No.
Not today.
-Can I have some water? -Yeah.
I think that's the fire road there.
I think we're gonna be okay.
Can I ask you something now?
Seems fair enough.
What was it like for you?
-What? -My affair.
The divorce.
I've never really asked you.
Well, it was fucking awful.
Tell me.
I couldn't take a deep breath for two years.
I cried everywhere.
Cried in my car, cried on a run, cried in the shower.
The minute I was alone for two seconds, I cried.
I couldn't sleep.
I was afraid to be alone in the house with the kids.
I was afraid...
what might happen if something happened to one of them,
that I wouldn't be able to handle it on my own.
Some of our friends were awful.
You know, the people who loved us together,
said I shouldn't let you go so easily,
that I should fight for you more, as if...
[chuckles] I had any choice in the matter.
As if it was my decision.
And then later, when I had to see you with her
and compare myself to her, and I...
I, uh, I u... I used to think I looked good.
You know.
And then, suddenly, I just couldn't look at myself
in the mirror anymore 'cause all I saw was my wrinkles
and my stomach after having had four kids and...
I would just think,
"How could you not know how ugly you are?
Of course he left you."
Oh, Helen--
Don't pity me.
I wasn't. I'm not. I'm--
You asked me what it was like. That's what it was like.
I got through it.
I made it through and I'm more proud of that
than anything I've ever done in my life,
so please don't fucking pity me.
I wasn't pitying you.
You know, the one, the one thing
that still gets me, really, it's just that I-I...
I used to think, when we had no money and we had all these kids,
and we were fighting, I would look at you sometimes
and I would think, "One day, this is gonna be worth it.
One day, I'm gonna dance with him at Whitney's wedding.
A-And we will have built..."
"...an amazing thing together.
Family."
That's the thing that still hurts, if you want
to know the truth, that you just left during the hard parts,
and we never had a chance to celebrate.
We made it.
[panting] Can I sit...
Can we sit down for a minute?
Sure.
Yeah, it looks like the road goes for about another mile,
then it hits civilization.
[snake rattling]
Noah?
[shouts]
-Noah! Aah! -Fuck.
Oh, fuck.
Oh, no, this is bad.
-Shit. Did it get you? -It's, like, really, really,
-really bad. Yes. -Oh, fuck.
You're gonna be okay. You're gonna be okay.
-It's all right. -I can't believe
we hiked out of that fire and I'm gonna die anyway.
I can't get a signal.
We're gonna get you to the hospital.
No shit.
-[screams] -No, stop! You got to stop.
-Sit down. -Why? I can walk.
You can't! You have to be still!
-Why? -Because the more you move,
the quicker the venom will get to your heart.
Oh, my God.
-Oh, my God. Oh, my God. -[Noah] Just be calm!
How?
Just fucking calm.
Here, I got you.
Here, come here.
You be calm.
Come on.
♪ slow, suspenseful music ♪
[panting]
♪♪♪
Stay awake.
Come on. Come on.
[grunts]
You're okay. Just...
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
Help! I need help! Hey.
Someone needs to see us immediately.
You need to fill out these forms.
The triage nurse will be right with you.
No, uh, she...
Hey, she needs to see a doctor.
We need a gurney here now. Tell me what happened.
Uh, I saw the snake myself. It was a rattlesnake.
-I know it is. -Let's get her back.
[indistinct chatter]
You're okay. You're okay.
You're in the hospital now. You're okay.
-Let's move. -Let's go.
Sir, you need to go back to reception
and give them her information.
But I'm...
[doors close]
[exhales]
-Just fill this out. -Thank you.
Mr. Solloway?
We've got her on some intense pain medication so she can rest.
And we'll continue to monitor her overnight
to see how her body reacts to the antivenom,
but for now...
...yeah, her vitals look good.
She's stable.
That's great. Thank you.
Can I get you anything?
-No, I'm fine. Thank you. -Okay, the nurse will be by
to check on you guys in an hour.
Thank you.
[grunts]
[exhales]
[man over P.A.] Dr. Davis, call 4799.
[newswoman] As flames engulfed Topanga Canyon
earlier this evening, residents were stuck
in bumper-to-bumper traffic trying to evacuate.
Though no numbers have yet been reported,
as many as a hundred people are thought to have perished
waiting in their cars. Fire Chief Reynolds says
-the blaze just came through... -Oh, my God.
...so quickly,
there was no time to get them to safety.
Sheriff's deputies have cordoned off the area
-and residents are not allowed -[inhales]
-to return until the-- -[turns off TV]
[inhales]
♪ I close my eyes ♪
♪ And listen to hear ♪
Hi, friend.
♪ The corn come out ♪
Hi, friend.
♪ And to the stars ♪
♪ You've led us on ♪
♪ Left me looking up ♪
♪ Down where the trees grow ♪
♪ Together ♪