1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,440 This programme contains some strong language. 2 00:00:06,343 --> 00:00:08,183 WIND WHISTLES 3 00:00:11,143 --> 00:00:13,223 BIRDSONG 4 00:00:49,221 --> 00:00:50,557 Laurence! 5 00:00:50,581 --> 00:00:52,357 Oh, my God! 6 00:00:52,381 --> 00:00:54,077 How are you? 7 00:00:54,101 --> 00:00:55,461 Hey, Callum! 8 00:00:56,861 --> 00:00:58,677 You're looking good! 9 00:00:58,701 --> 00:01:01,036 I think the last time I saw you was this century, wasn't it? 10 00:01:01,060 --> 00:01:03,876 It was. Kenzie's wedding, so June 2010. 11 00:01:03,900 --> 00:01:04,916 Was it really? 12 00:01:04,940 --> 00:01:06,876 Yeah. God, poor old Kenzie. 13 00:01:06,900 --> 00:01:08,356 Poor Kenzie's wife. 14 00:01:08,380 --> 00:01:10,676 Well, quite. Are they still together? 15 00:01:10,700 --> 00:01:13,636 No, no, no. He lives in Germany now. We're Facebook friends. 16 00:01:13,660 --> 00:01:15,796 Are you? Well, you know, I don't do any 17 00:01:15,820 --> 00:01:18,156 of that social media crap. No, I noticed. 18 00:01:18,180 --> 00:01:21,235 You didn't want to be LinkedIn, in spite of several attempts. 19 00:01:21,259 --> 00:01:23,755 Bless you for trying, Laurence, but I'm too old. 20 00:01:23,779 --> 00:01:25,435 I prefer seeing people face-to-face. 21 00:01:25,459 --> 00:01:26,595 Every 12 years. 22 00:01:26,619 --> 00:01:28,459 HE LAUGHS Exactly. 23 00:01:28,540 --> 00:01:29,696 Anyway, 24 00:01:29,720 --> 00:01:31,015 can you give me 25 00:01:31,039 --> 00:01:33,339 a hand with this? Yeah! 26 00:01:34,659 --> 00:01:36,595 BOTH STRAIN 27 00:01:36,619 --> 00:01:38,075 It's very quiet. 28 00:01:38,099 --> 00:01:41,554 You haven't lured me here under false pretences, have you? 29 00:01:41,578 --> 00:01:42,834 Closed for the winter. 30 00:01:42,858 --> 00:01:44,994 A friend of Bonnie's runs it. She let me have the key. 31 00:01:45,018 --> 00:01:47,714 How is Bonnie? Will we get to see her today? 32 00:01:47,738 --> 00:01:49,554 Ah, yeah. Yeah, she'll be... here later. 33 00:01:49,578 --> 00:01:51,234 How's... your partner? 34 00:01:51,258 --> 00:01:52,754 Pablo? 35 00:01:52,778 --> 00:01:54,954 Oh, you know, we muddle through. 36 00:01:54,978 --> 00:01:57,794 He's doing an online course in fine art at the moment, 37 00:01:57,818 --> 00:02:00,633 which is bewildering to me, but never mind. 38 00:02:00,657 --> 00:02:03,073 He'd have loved this. Yeah. Beautiful, isn't it? 39 00:02:03,097 --> 00:02:04,553 Remind you of the good old days? 40 00:02:04,577 --> 00:02:06,753 Which good old days? 41 00:02:06,777 --> 00:02:07,993 Uni! 42 00:02:08,017 --> 00:02:10,633 We used to go for those big walks round the lake. 43 00:02:10,657 --> 00:02:12,153 Oh! 44 00:02:12,177 --> 00:02:14,193 Yeah. A little bit. 45 00:02:14,217 --> 00:02:18,313 So few places nowadays where you can actually find peace. 46 00:02:18,337 --> 00:02:19,352 Mmm. 47 00:02:19,376 --> 00:02:23,032 SHOUTING: Oi, oi, saveloy! Brap-brap-brap-brap-brap! 48 00:02:23,056 --> 00:02:26,432 Oh, Jesus, you never told me Darren was coming. 49 00:02:26,456 --> 00:02:28,192 I told you it was a reunion. Hi, Dazza! 50 00:02:28,216 --> 00:02:29,832 All right, lads? How are we? 51 00:02:29,856 --> 00:02:31,392 Come here! Give us a hug! 52 00:02:31,416 --> 00:02:34,752 Ohhh! So good to see you, mate! 53 00:02:34,776 --> 00:02:37,512 Yeah, you too. 54 00:02:37,536 --> 00:02:39,911 Hey, you've still got the old university scarf, you saddo! 55 00:02:39,935 --> 00:02:41,631 This is my third one. They keep updating it. 56 00:02:41,655 --> 00:02:43,231 I think this one has got a slightly... 57 00:02:43,255 --> 00:02:44,591 And Cal's all glammed up 58 00:02:44,615 --> 00:02:46,631 in his Marks & Sparks Blue Harbour gear. 59 00:02:46,655 --> 00:02:49,191 Er, Hugo Boss, you cheeky sod! What have you come as? 60 00:02:49,215 --> 00:02:51,351 You look like a homeless Shakin' Stevens. 61 00:02:51,375 --> 00:02:53,511 Eh, it's the latest fashions. 62 00:02:53,535 --> 00:02:55,031 Do they not have this in that London, eh? 63 00:02:55,055 --> 00:02:56,351 Eh? Eh? Eh? 64 00:02:56,375 --> 00:02:58,031 Eh? Eh? Eh? Eh? Eh? 65 00:02:58,055 --> 00:02:59,750 DARREN LAUGHS 66 00:02:59,774 --> 00:03:01,430 Ah! 67 00:03:01,454 --> 00:03:02,910 It's been a while, hasn't it? 68 00:03:02,934 --> 00:03:04,790 Kenzie's wedding, apparently. 69 00:03:04,814 --> 00:03:06,990 Oh, God, yeah, course. Is he coming? 70 00:03:07,014 --> 00:03:08,390 No, no, he's in Germany. 71 00:03:08,414 --> 00:03:09,590 It's just us three, 72 00:03:09,614 --> 00:03:11,350 like in the good old days. The three amigos. 73 00:03:11,374 --> 00:03:13,470 What? I thought it was 74 00:03:13,494 --> 00:03:16,710 like a big fuck-off party cruise with loads of people. 75 00:03:16,734 --> 00:03:18,909 Sorry, have I got the shit end of the stick here? 76 00:03:18,933 --> 00:03:20,669 No, no, it's going to be great. 77 00:03:20,693 --> 00:03:22,749 I've got it all planned. We're going to get out on the lake 78 00:03:22,773 --> 00:03:24,429 when it gets dark. 79 00:03:24,453 --> 00:03:26,109 We've got so much to catch up on. 80 00:03:26,133 --> 00:03:30,109 WOMAN: Fuckin' hell! Anyone got a dock leaf? 81 00:03:30,133 --> 00:03:32,949 I think I've just stung me fanny on a nettle. 82 00:03:32,973 --> 00:03:34,509 Sorry, "front bum". 83 00:03:34,533 --> 00:03:35,733 Hiya! 84 00:03:36,693 --> 00:03:38,028 Who's this? 85 00:03:38,052 --> 00:03:40,268 It's me new bird, Donna. I promised her we were 86 00:03:40,292 --> 00:03:42,332 going out on a boat. We are. 87 00:03:43,732 --> 00:03:45,628 Oh, shit... 88 00:03:45,652 --> 00:03:47,268 Hello, hello. Hi. 89 00:03:47,292 --> 00:03:48,508 I'm Donna. Pleased to meet you. 90 00:03:48,532 --> 00:03:51,012 Laurence. Hi! Callum. 91 00:03:53,612 --> 00:03:55,548 Hey, it's well nice here, innit? 92 00:03:55,572 --> 00:03:58,731 Me mum's got a tray like this. Wait till I tell her! 93 00:04:00,371 --> 00:04:01,947 Hey, has the yacht got an inside bit? 94 00:04:01,971 --> 00:04:04,427 Cos I'm freezing me tits off already. 95 00:04:04,451 --> 00:04:07,147 Er, Darren, could you give me a hand? 96 00:04:07,171 --> 00:04:09,131 Oh, yeah, course. 97 00:04:10,611 --> 00:04:14,427 What are you playing at? The invite was for you only. 98 00:04:14,451 --> 00:04:16,667 Well, I was trying to impress her, wasn't I? 99 00:04:16,691 --> 00:04:18,426 We've only been shagging for a few weeks. 100 00:04:18,450 --> 00:04:20,106 I wanted it to be just the four of us. 101 00:04:20,130 --> 00:04:21,346 It is! 102 00:04:21,370 --> 00:04:23,466 What's the matter, Larry? I wish you'd told me, 103 00:04:23,490 --> 00:04:24,946 that's all. It makes things very awkward. 104 00:04:24,970 --> 00:04:26,746 It's awkward for me, an' all. 105 00:04:26,770 --> 00:04:28,986 I thought it was all plus-ones and wristbands. 106 00:04:29,010 --> 00:04:31,386 She's missing her mate's hen do for this. 107 00:04:31,410 --> 00:04:33,346 So, does this take us to the party boat? 108 00:04:33,370 --> 00:04:37,186 Yeah. Yeah, just, er, jump on the paedo and we'll be off. 109 00:04:37,210 --> 00:04:39,145 You what? 110 00:04:39,169 --> 00:04:42,345 We're just going to have a quick go on the paedo. 111 00:04:42,369 --> 00:04:43,729 You mean "pedalo". 112 00:04:44,729 --> 00:04:46,145 Is that what it's called? 113 00:04:46,169 --> 00:04:47,785 I thought they were called paedos. 114 00:04:47,809 --> 00:04:49,009 I thought it was a bit weird! 115 00:04:50,369 --> 00:04:52,065 Right, well, come on, let's cast off. 116 00:04:52,089 --> 00:04:53,345 Ladies first. 117 00:04:53,369 --> 00:04:55,225 I'm not sitting in that. The seats are all wet. 118 00:04:55,249 --> 00:04:56,505 Actually, the cold water 119 00:04:56,529 --> 00:04:58,624 will help with your vaginal irritation. 120 00:04:58,648 --> 00:05:00,728 Er, 'scuse me, his name is Darren. 121 00:05:01,848 --> 00:05:03,146 LAUGHTER 122 00:05:03,170 --> 00:05:04,464 She got you! 123 00:05:04,488 --> 00:05:07,544 Here we go. Whoopsie-daisy. 124 00:05:07,568 --> 00:05:10,704 You ready? Bloody hell! These are brand-new! 125 00:05:10,728 --> 00:05:13,264 You all right? Come on. 126 00:05:13,288 --> 00:05:15,064 Oh... Christ! 127 00:05:15,088 --> 00:05:16,744 Here we go. 128 00:05:16,768 --> 00:05:20,423 I haven't done this for years! 129 00:05:20,447 --> 00:05:22,103 Hey, it's great, innit? 130 00:05:22,127 --> 00:05:24,463 Going to be like Ibiza, babe! Whoo-whoo! 131 00:05:24,487 --> 00:05:26,367 Whoo-whoo! 132 00:05:30,127 --> 00:05:32,263 Whoa, this is cool, isn't it? 133 00:05:32,287 --> 00:05:33,303 It's charming. 134 00:05:33,327 --> 00:05:36,103 Three Men In A Boat, To Say Nothing Of The Dog. 135 00:05:36,127 --> 00:05:38,382 Er, sorry, say that again. 136 00:05:38,406 --> 00:05:40,646 It's, er, Jerome K Jerome. Full title. 137 00:05:41,606 --> 00:05:43,382 Only five minutes, and he's calling me a dog. 138 00:05:43,406 --> 00:05:45,942 Probably just admiring your puppies. 139 00:05:45,966 --> 00:05:48,822 I thought you said he was, er... 140 00:05:48,846 --> 00:05:51,302 Oh, no, that's me. 141 00:05:51,326 --> 00:05:53,702 Oh! Could never tell. 142 00:05:53,726 --> 00:05:56,286 Are you the one that knows Judge Rinder off Strictly? 143 00:05:57,245 --> 00:05:58,741 Our paths have crossed. 144 00:05:58,765 --> 00:06:00,501 Cos Darren said he's going to be at the party. 145 00:06:00,525 --> 00:06:02,445 I only said he might be! 146 00:06:05,365 --> 00:06:07,085 I only said he might be. 147 00:06:08,085 --> 00:06:11,261 Well, stranger things have happened at sea. 148 00:06:11,285 --> 00:06:13,341 So, you were all at school together? 149 00:06:13,365 --> 00:06:15,141 No, university. 150 00:06:15,165 --> 00:06:17,580 Callum was a medical student. I was reading psychology. 151 00:06:17,604 --> 00:06:20,020 Oh, I've seen that - where she gets stabbed in t'shower. 152 00:06:20,044 --> 00:06:22,444 I didn't know they'd made a book of it, though. 153 00:06:23,724 --> 00:06:24,900 What did you do? 154 00:06:24,924 --> 00:06:26,420 Er, nothing. 155 00:06:26,444 --> 00:06:28,620 I dropped out in t'second year. It was boring. 156 00:06:28,644 --> 00:06:31,220 Darren was studying, er, sports science, 157 00:06:31,244 --> 00:06:32,420 if that's not an oxymoron. 158 00:06:32,444 --> 00:06:34,620 Bloody hell! He's calling you a dog 159 00:06:34,644 --> 00:06:35,980 and me a moron. 160 00:06:36,004 --> 00:06:38,019 I thought you were supposed to be my mate. 161 00:06:38,043 --> 00:06:41,179 He still teaches there, y'know, Phil Crawford. 162 00:06:41,203 --> 00:06:43,619 Does he? Creepy Crawford? 163 00:06:43,643 --> 00:06:46,699 He was a bit of a pedalo. How do you know? 164 00:06:46,723 --> 00:06:48,403 Oh, didn't I tell you? I work there. 165 00:06:49,403 --> 00:06:50,499 At our uni? 166 00:06:50,523 --> 00:06:52,899 The psychology department. Since when? 167 00:06:52,923 --> 00:06:54,979 About eight years! I put it all in my Christmas round-robin. 168 00:06:55,003 --> 00:06:56,218 Don't you read them? 169 00:06:56,242 --> 00:06:59,962 Oh, I think it must just go straight into my spam folder. 170 00:07:01,042 --> 00:07:02,082 Bloody hell! 171 00:07:03,242 --> 00:07:04,698 So, what's it like there now? 172 00:07:04,722 --> 00:07:06,178 Oh, it's exactly the same. 173 00:07:06,202 --> 00:07:08,258 The library, the common room... 174 00:07:08,282 --> 00:07:11,922 They even dress up the Newton statue every freshers' week. What statue? 175 00:07:13,162 --> 00:07:14,538 The Isaac Newton one! 176 00:07:14,562 --> 00:07:16,057 We put a dress on it in our first week, 177 00:07:16,081 --> 00:07:17,417 with apples for breasts. 178 00:07:17,441 --> 00:07:18,657 Don't you remember? 179 00:07:18,681 --> 00:07:19,697 Vaguely. 180 00:07:19,721 --> 00:07:21,457 Come on! I remember it like it was yesterday. 181 00:07:21,481 --> 00:07:22,977 It was the funniest thing ever! 182 00:07:23,001 --> 00:07:24,681 You need to get out more. 183 00:07:25,961 --> 00:07:28,081 Shall we just drift for a bit... 184 00:07:29,121 --> 00:07:30,641 ..take in the view? 185 00:07:33,601 --> 00:07:35,057 Oh... 186 00:07:35,081 --> 00:07:38,056 How about you two, then? Where did you meet? 187 00:07:38,080 --> 00:07:41,896 Five Guys. He spilt an Oreo milkshake all down me back. 188 00:07:41,920 --> 00:07:43,736 I think he was just trying to get my attention. 189 00:07:43,760 --> 00:07:45,560 Worked, though, didn't it? 190 00:07:46,640 --> 00:07:48,176 Sounds very romantic. 191 00:07:48,200 --> 00:07:50,136 Have you been in Five Guys, Callum? 192 00:07:50,160 --> 00:07:51,880 Oh, at least. 193 00:07:53,160 --> 00:07:55,336 So, are you and Bonnie still living in the same place? 194 00:07:55,360 --> 00:07:57,735 Yeah. Yeah. Rattling round now, of course, 195 00:07:57,759 --> 00:08:00,655 cos Alex is at uni. I'm an empty-nester. 196 00:08:00,679 --> 00:08:02,135 How about your two? 197 00:08:02,159 --> 00:08:04,135 Oh, smashing, yeah. 198 00:08:04,159 --> 00:08:06,495 Yeah, I don't get to see them as much as I'd like, y'know. 199 00:08:06,519 --> 00:08:08,615 But I've got them for a couple of weeks in the summer. 200 00:08:08,639 --> 00:08:10,615 You wanna go t'Disney, don't you? 201 00:08:10,639 --> 00:08:13,375 Yeah. You can have breakfast with the characters. 202 00:08:13,399 --> 00:08:16,558 I can't decide between Goofy's Kitchen and Ariel's Grotto. 203 00:08:17,518 --> 00:08:20,454 Not sure I fancy eating somewhere called Ariel's Grotto. 204 00:08:20,478 --> 00:08:22,934 Oh, I would! Don't ruin it, you pig! 205 00:08:22,958 --> 00:08:25,174 Pabby and I are going to take the girls to Cornwall 206 00:08:25,198 --> 00:08:26,614 this year, have a staycation. 207 00:08:26,638 --> 00:08:29,414 You've got girls? I didn't know. Yeah, five and nine. 208 00:08:29,438 --> 00:08:32,454 Well, good for you! What are their names? 209 00:08:32,478 --> 00:08:33,676 Millie and Liza. 210 00:08:33,700 --> 00:08:34,894 HE CHUCKLES 211 00:08:34,918 --> 00:08:36,813 We're absolutely run off our feet with them, 212 00:08:36,837 --> 00:08:40,293 but you adjust, don't you? Your life becomes about them. 213 00:08:40,317 --> 00:08:42,533 Oh, yeah, true. Do you have pictures? 214 00:08:42,557 --> 00:08:43,813 Yeah, of course! 215 00:08:43,837 --> 00:08:45,357 Proud dad! 216 00:08:46,997 --> 00:08:48,693 Actually, I'm a grandfather now. 217 00:08:48,717 --> 00:08:50,373 You what? 218 00:08:50,397 --> 00:08:52,693 Yeah. We took Millie to a breeding kennel. 219 00:08:52,717 --> 00:08:54,453 She had a litter of five. 220 00:08:54,477 --> 00:08:56,956 Our beautiful girls. 221 00:09:00,676 --> 00:09:02,236 Oh. I see. 222 00:09:03,236 --> 00:09:04,892 Not quite the same thing. 223 00:09:04,916 --> 00:09:07,412 Anyway, shall we press on? 224 00:09:07,436 --> 00:09:09,852 Oh, hang on, hang on. I'm not ready yet. 225 00:09:09,876 --> 00:09:12,292 Can I have a go at pedalling? It'd be good for me glutes. 226 00:09:12,316 --> 00:09:14,212 No, you don't know where we're going. I do. 227 00:09:14,236 --> 00:09:16,211 Oh, let her have a go. What's the problem? 228 00:09:16,235 --> 00:09:18,131 I just don't want to veer off course, that's all. 229 00:09:18,155 --> 00:09:19,891 Come on, Laurence, it's not Shackleton. 230 00:09:19,915 --> 00:09:21,635 She can swap with me. Thanks. 231 00:09:22,635 --> 00:09:24,891 Whoa, whoa, whoa! Help me, then! 232 00:09:24,915 --> 00:09:26,451 All right, there we go. 233 00:09:26,475 --> 00:09:29,371 Whoopsie-daisy! 234 00:09:29,395 --> 00:09:31,251 Careful! 235 00:09:31,275 --> 00:09:32,553 SHE GRUNTS 236 00:09:32,577 --> 00:09:33,875 How do you work it? 237 00:09:35,034 --> 00:09:37,594 You just put your feet on the pedals. 238 00:09:41,354 --> 00:09:43,330 Hey, it's fun, innit? 239 00:09:43,354 --> 00:09:45,474 Right, let's get to this party! 240 00:09:47,794 --> 00:09:50,394 Woohoo! 241 00:10:01,593 --> 00:10:02,809 Fuckin' hell. 242 00:10:02,833 --> 00:10:05,009 This is hard work, innit? 243 00:10:05,033 --> 00:10:06,729 It's like a spin class. 244 00:10:06,753 --> 00:10:08,753 How long have I been doing it? 245 00:10:10,073 --> 00:10:11,409 Two minutes. 246 00:10:11,433 --> 00:10:13,649 Ohhh! Sweating cobs! 247 00:10:13,673 --> 00:10:16,328 Can't have Judge Rinder seeing me like this. 248 00:10:16,352 --> 00:10:18,352 Will there be cabins on the boat to freshen up? 249 00:10:20,432 --> 00:10:22,488 Who wants a bevvy? 250 00:10:22,512 --> 00:10:23,848 Larry? No, thank you. 251 00:10:23,872 --> 00:10:25,768 Cal? Why not? 252 00:10:25,792 --> 00:10:27,232 Do you want them Doritos, babe? 253 00:10:46,871 --> 00:10:49,407 This time yesterday, I was draining a pelvic abscess. 254 00:10:49,431 --> 00:10:51,967 Don't say that, you're making we want a wee. 255 00:10:51,991 --> 00:10:53,687 So, er, are you still at the Royal Free? 256 00:10:53,711 --> 00:10:58,166 Yeah, head of obs and gynae now, which is quite a responsibility. 257 00:10:58,190 --> 00:11:00,406 Well done, mate. I'm really proud of you. 258 00:11:00,430 --> 00:11:02,086 Thank you. 259 00:11:02,110 --> 00:11:03,406 How about you? You were... 260 00:11:03,430 --> 00:11:06,366 ..teaching PE in some god-awful school, weren't you? 261 00:11:06,390 --> 00:11:09,126 Supply, yeah. I jacked it in, though. 262 00:11:09,150 --> 00:11:11,166 Kids can be cruel little fuckers. 263 00:11:11,190 --> 00:11:13,606 I was. I was a total bitch. 264 00:11:13,630 --> 00:11:15,069 Calmed down a lot now. 265 00:11:19,949 --> 00:11:22,125 Are you actually pedalling, or...? 266 00:11:22,149 --> 00:11:24,405 I'm doing it! 267 00:11:24,429 --> 00:11:25,725 What are you up to now? 268 00:11:25,749 --> 00:11:28,485 Oh, this and that, y'know. Tell him! 269 00:11:28,509 --> 00:11:29,845 Don't be embarrassed. 270 00:11:29,869 --> 00:11:31,109 Well... 271 00:11:32,069 --> 00:11:33,309 ..I'm a children's author. 272 00:11:35,028 --> 00:11:37,884 Really? Congratulations! Are you published? 273 00:11:37,908 --> 00:11:40,364 No, not yet, no. Er, still at the development stage, y'know, 274 00:11:40,388 --> 00:11:41,724 mapping out the structure, an' that. 275 00:11:41,748 --> 00:11:43,484 Tell him your idea. It's brilliant. 276 00:11:43,508 --> 00:11:44,684 No! 277 00:11:44,708 --> 00:11:46,004 Go on, have confidence in it. 278 00:11:46,028 --> 00:11:47,204 DARREN SIGHS 279 00:11:47,228 --> 00:11:50,844 All right, well, basically, it's like a hardback book, 280 00:11:50,868 --> 00:11:53,324 and on the first page there'll be a picture of a ball 281 00:11:53,348 --> 00:11:56,043 and on the opposite page the word "ball". 282 00:11:56,067 --> 00:11:57,683 So, you turn the page, and there'll be 283 00:11:57,707 --> 00:11:59,843 a picture of a boy and on the opposite page the word... 284 00:11:59,867 --> 00:12:02,323 "Boy." Have I told you about it already? 285 00:12:02,347 --> 00:12:04,683 No. Carry on. 286 00:12:04,707 --> 00:12:07,403 So on the next page there'll be a boy and a ball, and it'd say 287 00:12:07,427 --> 00:12:10,083 something like, "Boy got ball," or, "Boy play with ball." 288 00:12:10,107 --> 00:12:11,827 I haven't really worked it all out yet. 289 00:12:13,027 --> 00:12:15,642 So it's like baby's first words. 290 00:12:15,666 --> 00:12:19,282 Yeah, but with a story gradually developing out of it. 291 00:12:19,306 --> 00:12:21,482 I've read it twice. Made me cry. 292 00:12:21,506 --> 00:12:25,082 LAUGHS: Sorry, Darren, this isn't an authored book, 293 00:12:25,106 --> 00:12:27,362 is it? It's just words and pictures. 294 00:12:27,386 --> 00:12:29,562 Well, like I say, it's early days. 295 00:12:29,586 --> 00:12:30,922 I think people will buy it. 296 00:12:30,946 --> 00:12:33,281 They are buying it! It already exists. 297 00:12:33,305 --> 00:12:35,481 It's hardly going to make you into the next JK Rowling, 298 00:12:35,505 --> 00:12:37,201 is it? All right, Callum, 299 00:12:37,225 --> 00:12:39,161 you don't have to shoot it down in flames. 300 00:12:39,185 --> 00:12:41,761 We can't all be elbow-deep in fannies every day. 301 00:12:41,785 --> 00:12:43,361 Can we not talk like that, please? 302 00:12:43,385 --> 00:12:45,761 I could be where you are now, top of me tree, on a good wage, 303 00:12:45,785 --> 00:12:48,041 but I never had the chance, did I? If I'd have graduated, 304 00:12:48,065 --> 00:12:49,801 I could've made something of meself. 305 00:12:49,825 --> 00:12:51,201 Could've been a contender? Yes! 306 00:12:51,225 --> 00:12:52,641 Yeah. In sports science? 307 00:12:52,665 --> 00:12:54,160 Give me a break! Leave it, Callum! 308 00:12:54,184 --> 00:12:55,600 You can't possibly compare 309 00:12:55,624 --> 00:12:57,800 me doing seven years of medical training 310 00:12:57,824 --> 00:12:58,920 to you playing rounders 311 00:12:58,944 --> 00:13:01,240 and learning about Lucozade. I was good at it. 312 00:13:01,264 --> 00:13:03,120 Really? Yes. So why did you drop out, then? 313 00:13:03,144 --> 00:13:04,960 I'll drop you out in a minute! 314 00:13:04,984 --> 00:13:06,040 That's enough! 315 00:13:06,064 --> 00:13:07,560 I didn't invite you both here today 316 00:13:07,584 --> 00:13:09,320 just so you could open up old wounds. 317 00:13:09,344 --> 00:13:12,440 I wanted it to be a celebration of... who we used to be. 318 00:13:12,464 --> 00:13:14,319 As opposed to who we are? 319 00:13:14,343 --> 00:13:17,783 Uni was 30 years ago, Laurence. Move on! 320 00:13:24,183 --> 00:13:25,863 SHE THUDS PEDALS 321 00:13:30,103 --> 00:13:34,278 Sorry, I think something's happened. Why's it not going? 322 00:13:34,302 --> 00:13:35,318 What? 323 00:13:35,342 --> 00:13:37,718 Pedals are stuck. 324 00:13:37,742 --> 00:13:40,182 Er... All right, try going backward. 325 00:13:43,182 --> 00:13:46,838 We're tangled up in all these weeds, look. They're everywhere. 326 00:13:46,862 --> 00:13:50,118 Oh, for Christ's sake! This is all your fault! 327 00:13:50,142 --> 00:13:51,558 Why didn't you look where we were going? 328 00:13:51,582 --> 00:13:53,037 What do you mean, look where I was going? 329 00:13:53,061 --> 00:13:54,317 We're on an empty lake, mate! 330 00:13:54,341 --> 00:13:56,037 Yes, which makes it even more idiotic! 331 00:13:56,061 --> 00:13:57,797 Don't blame her, Laurence. It was an accident. 332 00:13:57,821 --> 00:13:59,077 Keep waggling the pedals. 333 00:13:59,101 --> 00:14:01,277 She wasn't even meant to be here! 334 00:14:01,301 --> 00:14:03,117 Er, excuse me, I was invited to this party by Darren. 335 00:14:03,141 --> 00:14:04,757 For God's sake, there is no party! 336 00:14:04,781 --> 00:14:06,637 This was supposed to be a reunion of three friends 337 00:14:06,661 --> 00:14:08,677 from university. I wanted everything to be perfect. 338 00:14:08,701 --> 00:14:10,461 You've managed to ruin it! 339 00:14:13,220 --> 00:14:14,900 Darren, is that true? 340 00:14:17,940 --> 00:14:19,460 I cocked up, didn't I? 341 00:14:20,420 --> 00:14:22,796 I didn't read the invite properly. This is it. 342 00:14:22,820 --> 00:14:26,100 This... is the party. 343 00:14:27,380 --> 00:14:29,756 So, what, Judge Rinder's not even coming? 344 00:14:29,780 --> 00:14:31,516 Doubtful. 345 00:14:31,540 --> 00:14:33,275 I'm missing Gemma's hen night for this? 346 00:14:33,299 --> 00:14:34,675 They'll have a stripper 347 00:14:34,699 --> 00:14:36,595 helicoptering all over them now in Sugar Hut 348 00:14:36,619 --> 00:14:38,475 while we're playing Swallows And fucking Amazons. 349 00:14:38,499 --> 00:14:40,235 Soz, babe. I'll make it up to you. 350 00:14:40,259 --> 00:14:42,339 Oh, shove it up your arse! 351 00:14:43,739 --> 00:14:47,435 So, I think that's everyone fallen out with everyone. 352 00:14:47,459 --> 00:14:49,499 Reunion 101. 353 00:14:52,218 --> 00:14:53,938 What are we going to do now? 354 00:14:59,938 --> 00:15:01,818 BIRDS CALL 355 00:15:23,177 --> 00:15:25,977 ♪ Row, row, row your boat 356 00:15:26,937 --> 00:15:30,113 ♪ Gently down the stream 357 00:15:30,137 --> 00:15:33,112 ♪ Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily 358 00:15:33,136 --> 00:15:34,752 ♪ Life is but a dream 359 00:15:34,776 --> 00:15:38,072 ♪ Row, row, row your boat 360 00:15:38,096 --> 00:15:40,152 ♪ Gently to the shore 361 00:15:40,176 --> 00:15:43,272 ♪ If you see a lion there 362 00:15:43,296 --> 00:15:45,592 ♪ Don't forget to roar... ♪ Roarrrr! 363 00:15:45,616 --> 00:15:47,832 ♪ Row, row, row your... ♪ 364 00:15:47,856 --> 00:15:49,456 Please stop. 365 00:15:50,416 --> 00:15:53,391 Fine. So, what are you going to do? Just sit here 366 00:15:53,415 --> 00:15:55,111 and wait for someone to find us? Is that your plan? 367 00:15:55,135 --> 00:15:57,111 Yes. 368 00:15:57,135 --> 00:15:59,111 I told you, I saw someone earlier over there. 369 00:15:59,135 --> 00:16:00,831 Probably a fisherman. 370 00:16:00,855 --> 00:16:03,191 Well, it's going to be dark in half an hour. 371 00:16:03,215 --> 00:16:04,551 That's all I'm saying. 372 00:16:04,575 --> 00:16:07,151 Can't one of us go under and untangle the pedals? 373 00:16:07,175 --> 00:16:09,711 Not recommended. The water's freezing. 374 00:16:09,735 --> 00:16:11,351 You'd have hypothermia within 20 minutes. 375 00:16:11,375 --> 00:16:12,470 Right, well, I'm sorry, 376 00:16:12,494 --> 00:16:14,270 but you're all going to need to look over there. 377 00:16:14,294 --> 00:16:15,830 Why? Have you seen someone? 378 00:16:15,854 --> 00:16:17,670 No, because I need to do a wee. 379 00:16:17,694 --> 00:16:18,950 Oh, no, are you serious? 380 00:16:18,974 --> 00:16:21,910 Yes! I've been busting for ages. 381 00:16:21,934 --> 00:16:24,134 It's all the tinkling of the water. 382 00:16:27,574 --> 00:16:30,110 Well, talk amongst yourselves. I don't want you listening to it. 383 00:16:30,134 --> 00:16:32,949 Good idea, actually. Might kill off some of the weeds. 384 00:16:32,973 --> 00:16:34,109 It's not acid! 385 00:16:34,133 --> 00:16:35,131 SHE FARTS 386 00:16:35,155 --> 00:16:36,173 Oh! Bonus ball. 387 00:16:37,293 --> 00:16:38,773 I like her. 388 00:16:40,573 --> 00:16:42,989 This is the story of my life. 389 00:16:43,013 --> 00:16:45,549 What, listening to a woman pissing off a paedo? 390 00:16:45,573 --> 00:16:47,589 Pedalo. No, being stuck. 391 00:16:47,613 --> 00:16:50,469 When we graduated, I stayed in the area, married Bonnie, 392 00:16:50,493 --> 00:16:52,508 did a PGCE. 393 00:16:52,532 --> 00:16:54,588 Next thing, I'm back teaching the same course 394 00:16:54,612 --> 00:16:55,812 I just graduated from. 395 00:16:57,412 --> 00:16:59,228 You've all moved on and had lives. 396 00:16:59,252 --> 00:17:01,052 I'm still living in 1989. 397 00:17:02,012 --> 00:17:05,268 I wouldn't worry about it, Larry. You've not missed much. 398 00:17:05,292 --> 00:17:08,268 Although Game Of Thrones was pretty good. 399 00:17:08,292 --> 00:17:11,291 Even then, they ruined the ending. 400 00:17:14,171 --> 00:17:15,987 Well, I'm not going to do that. 401 00:17:16,011 --> 00:17:19,307 All right, I'm done. You can turn round now. 402 00:17:19,331 --> 00:17:22,907 Oof! Do you think that's why they say, "Relieve yourself," 403 00:17:22,931 --> 00:17:24,891 cos you're relieved you've not pissed your pants? 404 00:17:26,331 --> 00:17:28,387 Oh, come on! This is ridiculous! 405 00:17:28,411 --> 00:17:30,107 I thought you said Bonnie was going to be here. 406 00:17:30,131 --> 00:17:31,546 She is. Well, call her. 407 00:17:31,570 --> 00:17:34,066 Tell her to come early. There's no signal. 408 00:17:34,090 --> 00:17:35,826 Well, can't we all just check again? 409 00:17:35,850 --> 00:17:37,306 Yeah, I'm sure I had a couple of bars earlier. 410 00:17:37,330 --> 00:17:38,666 Is she still on the same number? 411 00:17:38,690 --> 00:17:40,386 What network are you on? Give us your phone, Larry. 412 00:17:40,410 --> 00:17:42,066 No. Give it to us! There's no point. 413 00:17:42,090 --> 00:17:44,610 Why not?! Because Bonnie's dead! 414 00:17:50,450 --> 00:17:51,489 What? 415 00:17:52,729 --> 00:17:54,169 She's dead. She died. 416 00:17:55,529 --> 00:17:56,969 A year ago. 417 00:18:01,409 --> 00:18:03,385 It was a short illness. 418 00:18:03,409 --> 00:18:05,169 And she was very brave. 419 00:18:10,449 --> 00:18:12,784 She's in here. 420 00:18:12,808 --> 00:18:14,984 Sorry, is...? 421 00:18:15,008 --> 00:18:17,368 Is Bonnie a... guinea pig? 422 00:18:22,008 --> 00:18:23,368 No. 423 00:18:31,687 --> 00:18:33,127 She was my wife. 424 00:18:37,087 --> 00:18:40,247 I just got confused cos of him and his... dog daughters. 425 00:18:42,087 --> 00:18:44,583 I'm really sorry, mate. 426 00:18:44,607 --> 00:18:46,367 Why didn't you tell us? 427 00:18:47,487 --> 00:18:48,927 I wanted to. 428 00:18:49,887 --> 00:18:51,446 I didn't know how. 429 00:18:53,366 --> 00:18:54,942 I wanted to see you face-to-face. 430 00:18:54,966 --> 00:18:56,942 It's not the sort of thing you can say in an email 431 00:18:56,966 --> 00:18:58,526 or round-robin. 432 00:19:02,126 --> 00:19:04,806 A week went by, and then a month, and then, in the end... 433 00:19:08,206 --> 00:19:13,781 That's why I... I wanted... to have you both here today, 434 00:19:13,805 --> 00:19:15,462 one year on. HE SNIFFS 435 00:19:18,525 --> 00:19:22,205 You were there when we met, you were there when we married. 436 00:19:23,925 --> 00:19:26,965 I wanted you to be there for the final goodbye... 437 00:19:27,925 --> 00:19:30,964 ..because even though I know that we don't see each other any more... 438 00:19:36,004 --> 00:19:38,204 ..you're still my best friends. 439 00:19:41,484 --> 00:19:44,340 So you wanted us to be here to scatter her ashes? 440 00:19:44,364 --> 00:19:45,482 HE SNIFFS 441 00:19:45,506 --> 00:19:46,644 Yeah. 442 00:19:48,924 --> 00:19:50,483 Sort of. 443 00:19:51,483 --> 00:19:52,939 Oh, my God! 444 00:19:52,963 --> 00:19:54,283 Jesus, Laurence! 445 00:19:55,523 --> 00:19:57,483 Where's he gone? 446 00:19:59,043 --> 00:20:02,603 Laurence, come back, man! You'll freeze to death! 447 00:20:09,602 --> 00:20:11,962 SHOUTS: Laurence! 448 00:20:19,082 --> 00:20:20,458 Can you still see him? 449 00:20:20,482 --> 00:20:22,602 Yeah, I think so. 450 00:20:26,282 --> 00:20:27,778 What's he playing at? 451 00:20:27,802 --> 00:20:30,897 He always talked about how he proposed to Bonnie on an island. 452 00:20:30,921 --> 00:20:33,297 I thought he meant the Caribbean or somewhere, but... 453 00:20:33,321 --> 00:20:35,001 ..it must be that one there. 454 00:20:38,601 --> 00:20:41,617 I can't believe she died and he never told you. 455 00:20:41,641 --> 00:20:44,737 I suppose that's what all those LinkedIn requests were. 456 00:20:44,761 --> 00:20:45,897 I feel terrible now. 457 00:20:45,921 --> 00:20:48,057 I bet you do! Poor man. 458 00:20:48,081 --> 00:20:50,216 I nearly cried when he said you two were his best friends. 459 00:20:50,240 --> 00:20:51,640 We were. 460 00:20:52,600 --> 00:20:53,856 Used to be. 461 00:20:53,880 --> 00:20:55,160 But... 462 00:20:56,160 --> 00:20:58,216 ..life moves on, doesn't it? 463 00:20:58,240 --> 00:21:00,440 Not for Bonnie. 464 00:21:02,920 --> 00:21:06,496 Maybe I have become too self-absorbed. 465 00:21:06,520 --> 00:21:10,495 But we're all dealing with our own shit, aren't we? 466 00:21:10,519 --> 00:21:13,415 Yours is mostly dog shit, by the sound of it. 467 00:21:13,439 --> 00:21:15,439 His wife's died. 468 00:21:16,679 --> 00:21:18,695 You can't just scoop that up in a little blue bag 469 00:21:18,719 --> 00:21:20,959 and hang it off a tree. 470 00:21:23,639 --> 00:21:26,559 I once did one in a paintpot and left it in the cellar. 471 00:21:27,639 --> 00:21:30,318 I was moving house, so it didn't really matter. 472 00:21:35,198 --> 00:21:39,054 If it's any consolation, I absolutely hate my job. 473 00:21:39,078 --> 00:21:41,334 I spent years trying to get to the top, 474 00:21:41,358 --> 00:21:42,814 and now I'm there, I realise 475 00:21:42,838 --> 00:21:44,854 it was just the endeavour that was keeping me going. 476 00:21:44,878 --> 00:21:48,574 I got to the end of the rainbow and found the pot of gold. 477 00:21:48,598 --> 00:21:50,197 HE SCOFFS 478 00:21:51,157 --> 00:21:56,333 Now I'd give you anything to give it back and start again. 479 00:21:56,357 --> 00:21:59,933 Like you. I envy you. 480 00:21:59,957 --> 00:22:02,013 Well, it was not a choice. 481 00:22:02,037 --> 00:22:03,677 What do you mean? 482 00:22:04,877 --> 00:22:06,813 I didn't drop out of uni. 483 00:22:06,837 --> 00:22:08,077 I got kicked out. 484 00:22:09,076 --> 00:22:10,452 Really? Yeah. 485 00:22:10,476 --> 00:22:15,612 I'd done so well to get me A levels, but... uni was just so hard! 486 00:22:15,636 --> 00:22:17,692 Even if it was only sports science. 487 00:22:17,716 --> 00:22:20,692 Then one day, I realised, 488 00:22:20,716 --> 00:22:22,556 if life gives you melons... 489 00:22:23,516 --> 00:22:26,852 ..you're probably dyslexic. 490 00:22:26,876 --> 00:22:27,916 What? 491 00:22:30,115 --> 00:22:32,035 I've got surface dyslexia. 492 00:22:34,755 --> 00:22:37,491 I was too embarrassed to say anything at the time. 493 00:22:37,515 --> 00:22:40,171 But that's why this book is so important to me. 494 00:22:40,195 --> 00:22:42,371 It's not for babies. 495 00:22:42,395 --> 00:22:44,491 It's for kids and adults... 496 00:22:44,515 --> 00:22:46,635 ..like me. 497 00:22:54,634 --> 00:22:58,650 Have I got to think of something bad that's happened to me now? 498 00:22:58,674 --> 00:23:00,610 Cos nothing really has. 499 00:23:00,634 --> 00:23:03,730 I've had a great life - good mates, 500 00:23:03,754 --> 00:23:06,130 loving family, 501 00:23:06,154 --> 00:23:08,113 nice little job... 502 00:23:09,433 --> 00:23:13,113 By the sound of it, it's cos I never went to fucking university. 503 00:23:14,673 --> 00:23:15,793 SHE SIGHS 504 00:23:21,153 --> 00:23:23,233 WIND CHIMES TINKLE 505 00:23:30,432 --> 00:23:32,408 Well... er... 506 00:23:32,432 --> 00:23:33,992 ..this is it. 507 00:23:34,952 --> 00:23:38,432 Er, it's not... gone quite according to plan. 508 00:23:39,792 --> 00:23:41,752 Er, Darren... 509 00:23:43,152 --> 00:23:44,872 ..he brought an uninvited guest... 510 00:23:46,072 --> 00:23:49,007 ..which really irritated me, of course. But, er, 511 00:23:49,031 --> 00:23:51,887 if you'd have been here, you'd have welcomed her 512 00:23:51,911 --> 00:23:54,647 with open arms and said, "The more the merrier," 513 00:23:54,671 --> 00:23:58,631 cos that's the kind of person that you were... 514 00:23:59,831 --> 00:24:04,071 ..and why I have... found it so hard... 515 00:24:06,071 --> 00:24:07,590 ..to live without you. 516 00:24:09,510 --> 00:24:12,390 Anyway, I, erm... 517 00:24:15,230 --> 00:24:18,766 I didn't want to just scatter your ashes 518 00:24:18,790 --> 00:24:20,710 in the normal way, so, er... 519 00:24:23,150 --> 00:24:24,950 ..I hope you approve. 520 00:24:45,749 --> 00:24:48,988 Hang on. What's this? 521 00:24:50,388 --> 00:24:53,804 "Ashes To Flashes Memorial Fireworks"? 522 00:24:53,828 --> 00:24:55,484 WHIZZING 523 00:24:55,508 --> 00:24:56,948 So she's... 524 00:25:12,387 --> 00:25:13,947 DARREN CHUCKLES 525 00:25:15,467 --> 00:25:18,883 I promised you a party, didn't I? 526 00:25:18,907 --> 00:25:21,187 Now I AM going to cry! 527 00:25:29,626 --> 00:25:31,906 Burn bright, Bonnie. 528 00:25:32,866 --> 00:25:34,146 Burn bright. 529 00:25:57,505 --> 00:26:00,481 Right, one of us needs to swim over and make sure he's all right. 530 00:26:00,505 --> 00:26:01,761 Not a good idea, Darren. 531 00:26:01,785 --> 00:26:03,441 Well, maybe we can get a signal over there! 532 00:26:03,465 --> 00:26:06,241 The water's too cold. You'll freeze your bollocks off. 533 00:26:06,265 --> 00:26:07,560 Well, do another wee in it, then! 534 00:26:07,584 --> 00:26:09,120 Sit down, Darren. Don't be so stupid. 535 00:26:09,144 --> 00:26:10,480 Don't call me stupid, all right?! 536 00:26:10,504 --> 00:26:14,000 Stop it, you two! Stop it! I'm going over there! 537 00:26:14,024 --> 00:26:17,184 Gerroff! Stop it! 538 00:26:30,263 --> 00:26:31,319 Excuse me... 539 00:26:31,343 --> 00:26:34,119 ..do you know what happened to my friends? 540 00:26:34,143 --> 00:26:37,583 They got stuck in the weeds. Were they rescued? 541 00:26:48,422 --> 00:26:50,118 Please, we have to do something. 542 00:26:50,142 --> 00:26:51,198 There were three of them. 543 00:26:51,222 --> 00:26:53,222 DEEP VOICE: Don't worry about them. 544 00:26:54,422 --> 00:26:55,998 They're fine. 545 00:26:56,022 --> 00:26:57,422 Where are they? 546 00:26:58,422 --> 00:27:00,222 On the other side. 547 00:27:01,462 --> 00:27:02,998 Oh! 548 00:27:03,022 --> 00:27:06,157 Thank God. Did they tell you where to find me? 549 00:27:06,181 --> 00:27:08,701 I knew where to find you. 550 00:27:09,901 --> 00:27:12,621 I've been watching you for some time. 551 00:27:35,700 --> 00:27:37,180 Thank you. 552 00:27:41,540 --> 00:27:42,836 Oh... 553 00:27:42,860 --> 00:27:44,356 Really sorry. I... 554 00:27:44,380 --> 00:27:45,859 HE CHOKES 555 00:27:59,099 --> 00:28:01,659 COIN CHINKS 556 00:28:23,218 --> 00:28:24,858 WOMAN: Laurence...