1 00:01:26,000 --> 00:01:27,604 I wondered if you were going to turn up. 2 00:01:28,040 --> 00:01:30,884 Sorry, Tommy. You know what I'm like with time. 3 00:01:30,960 --> 00:01:32,644 It's always half-past my left freckle. 4 00:01:34,000 --> 00:01:35,161 What's all this? 5 00:01:35,680 --> 00:01:38,684 I just wanted to get a few extra bits and pieces. 6 00:01:39,040 --> 00:01:42,010 I thought if we had some funny props then it might inspire us, 7 00:01:42,120 --> 00:01:43,963 you know, like we used to back in the day. 8 00:01:44,280 --> 00:01:45,964 Novelty items and what not. 9 00:01:47,120 --> 00:01:48,531 This was such a bad idea. 10 00:01:53,000 --> 00:01:56,322 It's just, I had to get rid of a lot of the old props. 11 00:01:56,560 --> 00:02:00,042 I kept them for years all boxed up in my mother's back bedroom but then, 12 00:02:00,520 --> 00:02:03,922 she passed and I had to chuck them all in an old skip. 13 00:02:04,560 --> 00:02:06,369 Eh, that could be a bit, couldn't it? 14 00:02:06,480 --> 00:02:09,131 What do people do with their old skips? Where do they dump them? 15 00:02:10,120 --> 00:02:11,167 Sorry. 16 00:02:11,680 --> 00:02:13,125 Sorry, I'm babbling. 17 00:02:15,160 --> 00:02:16,605 It's good to see you, Tommy. 18 00:02:17,720 --> 00:02:19,051 People call me Thomas now. 19 00:02:19,600 --> 00:02:21,967 I haven't been Tommy for 30 years. 20 00:02:22,600 --> 00:02:23,965 Oh, you look well. 21 00:02:24,560 --> 00:02:27,962 What do we do? Do we hug, shake hands, rub noses... 22 00:02:28,040 --> 00:02:29,530 Let's just get on with it, shall we? 23 00:02:29,880 --> 00:02:31,120 I haven't got long. 24 00:02:33,360 --> 00:02:34,441 Okay- 25 00:02:35,000 --> 00:02:36,365 What do you wanna do first? 26 00:02:36,520 --> 00:02:37,965 Shall we try the interview sketch, 27 00:02:38,080 --> 00:02:41,163 ease ourselves in gently as the bishop said to the choirboy. 28 00:02:41,280 --> 00:02:42,691 If you wish, yes. 29 00:02:44,680 --> 00:02:47,763 I hope I remember it all. I think I have it. 30 00:02:51,360 --> 00:02:53,408 I listen to the albums from time to time. 31 00:02:56,000 --> 00:02:59,129 I still have VHS's of all the telly stuff but I can't play them. 32 00:03:02,560 --> 00:03:04,608 Hey, did you ever hear anything back from those lads 33 00:03:04,680 --> 00:03:06,091 who wanted to bring out a DVD? 34 00:03:06,160 --> 00:03:07,525 No. Are you ready? 35 00:03:07,680 --> 00:03:08,761 One sec. 36 00:03:13,480 --> 00:03:15,369 And no looking out at the audience. 37 00:03:15,440 --> 00:03:17,044 - What do you mean? - You know what I mean, 38 00:03:17,120 --> 00:03:18,167 you always used to do it. 39 00:03:18,240 --> 00:03:19,969 - Mugging to the front row. - No, I never! 40 00:03:20,040 --> 00:03:22,805 You did. Especially if I had a funny line. 41 00:03:22,880 --> 00:03:24,848 You'd look out and take it as if you'd earned the laugh. 42 00:03:24,920 --> 00:03:27,241 - Don't. Pisses me off. - I don't think I do that. 43 00:03:27,320 --> 00:03:29,527 Well, next time you do it, I'll click my fingers and you'll see, 44 00:03:29,600 --> 00:03:31,045 -all right? - Okay, fine. 45 00:03:31,560 --> 00:03:33,483 - Good to see you too. - Start. 46 00:03:41,120 --> 00:03:42,167 Sorry. 47 00:03:44,520 --> 00:03:45,760 Come in! 48 00:03:49,600 --> 00:03:51,250 Hello, I'm here for the interview. 49 00:03:51,360 --> 00:03:53,283 Ah, yes, would you like to take a seat? 50 00:03:53,360 --> 00:03:55,442 No, you're all right. I've got some at home. 51 00:03:55,520 --> 00:03:56,965 No, no. I mean, would you like to sit down? 52 00:03:57,040 --> 00:03:58,610 Oh, yes, thank you. 53 00:04:01,680 --> 00:04:02,841 So you found us all right? 54 00:04:02,920 --> 00:04:05,127 Yes, your map was extremely comprehensive. 55 00:04:05,200 --> 00:04:06,804 Like your education I see. 56 00:04:09,240 --> 00:04:10,969 All right, you don't have to do it every time. 57 00:04:11,040 --> 00:04:12,929 I do. My laugh. 58 00:04:14,120 --> 00:04:16,726 So, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Mr Kirk. 59 00:04:16,840 --> 00:04:18,330 Ah, Mister Kirk! 60 00:04:18,400 --> 00:04:20,607 - Is tha' a wee Scots name, jimmy? - No, I don't think so. 61 00:04:20,680 --> 00:04:23,126 As a matter of fact my father was born in Ireland. 62 00:04:23,240 --> 00:04:25,322 Ah, the Emerald Isle, begorrah? 63 00:04:25,440 --> 00:04:28,284 Leprechauns and Guinness, to be sure, to be sure. 64 00:04:28,400 --> 00:04:30,562 - So, the company's based in Leeds-- - Nay, lad! 65 00:04:30,680 --> 00:04:33,160 - Eeh by gum and 'ecky thump! - Working closely with... 66 00:04:33,240 --> 00:04:34,241 Harry Ramsdens! 67 00:04:34,320 --> 00:04:35,526 Best chips in th'whole of Yorkshire. 68 00:04:35,640 --> 00:04:36,971 The Sony Corporation... 69 00:04:37,040 --> 00:04:39,168 Ah, so, number one son! 70 00:04:39,240 --> 00:04:40,321 Exporting to India... 71 00:04:40,400 --> 00:04:42,801 Cor blimey Mister, ten thousand apologies! 72 00:04:42,880 --> 00:04:44,723 - Via Buckingham... - Oh, I say, 73 00:04:44,840 --> 00:04:47,411 -how terribly, terribly poche! - We have an office in Moscow. 74 00:04:47,560 --> 00:04:49,801 - More vodka comrade! - A branch in London. 75 00:04:50,000 --> 00:04:52,844 - Lovelyjubbly! - And we're expanding into Madagascar! 76 00:04:54,240 --> 00:04:56,481 - Really? How interesting. - Look, would you concentrate please? 77 00:04:56,560 --> 00:04:59,086 I'm looking for a serious candidate to fill this position. 78 00:04:59,160 --> 00:05:01,766 - Well, I did go to university. - Really? Where did you study? 79 00:05:01,840 --> 00:05:03,444 - Cambridge. - When can you start? 80 00:05:05,760 --> 00:05:09,481 Ah, boom! It's a belter that! Still works doesn't it? 81 00:05:09,600 --> 00:05:11,284 You won't be able to do any of that ending. 82 00:05:11,680 --> 00:05:12,806 What do you mean? 83 00:05:13,240 --> 00:05:15,163 Can't do Chinese and Asian voices any more. 84 00:05:15,280 --> 00:05:16,361 Why? 85 00:05:16,480 --> 00:05:18,482 Because Len, it is what is known as racist. 86 00:05:18,560 --> 00:05:20,210 Oh, give over! That's the joke. 87 00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:21,481 What's the joke? 88 00:05:21,760 --> 00:05:23,922 What are you inviting people to laugh at exactly? 89 00:05:24,040 --> 00:05:27,010 Just a man doing all daft voices. 90 00:05:27,120 --> 00:05:29,805 - We did it in our first series. - We only had one series, remember? 91 00:05:29,880 --> 00:05:32,247 Yeah, but still, it's been on telly. Nobody complained. 92 00:05:32,320 --> 00:05:34,163 Well, things have changed. That was then. 93 00:05:34,680 --> 00:05:37,889 PM fight, what about Goodness Gracious Me? 94 00:05:38,040 --> 00:05:39,644 They were all Asian, Len. 95 00:05:40,160 --> 00:05:42,606 It's like Jackie Mason telling jewjokes, 96 00:05:42,720 --> 00:05:44,529 or Richard Pryor doing black material. 97 00:05:44,720 --> 00:05:46,882 You're only allowed to take the piss out of your own tribe. 98 00:05:46,960 --> 00:05:49,361 Er, I don't think you should be calling them a tribe, Tommy, 99 00:05:49,440 --> 00:05:50,441 that is racialist. 100 00:05:50,520 --> 00:05:53,444 Look, we can't do this sketch, all right? 101 00:05:55,040 --> 00:05:57,088 So, can we not do Ching-Chong Chinaman? 102 00:05:57,200 --> 00:05:58,247 No. 103 00:05:59,040 --> 00:06:00,963 In fact, I don't think we should be doing this at all. 104 00:06:01,040 --> 00:06:04,203 - I've made a mistake, I'm going. - Oh, no, Tommy, please don't go! 105 00:06:04,280 --> 00:06:06,442 I haven't seen you in 30 years. 106 00:06:08,640 --> 00:06:10,608 Let's at least give it a chance. 107 00:06:12,000 --> 00:06:16,449 # If you're going to cry 108 00:06:16,560 --> 00:06:18,562 # Cry tears of laughter 109 00:06:18,800 --> 00:06:21,371 # A smile takes much less effort than a frown # 110 00:06:22,320 --> 00:06:24,561 Eh, Tommy, I've just finished myjigsaw! 111 00:06:24,760 --> 00:06:26,285 Oh, was it difficult? 112 00:06:26,400 --> 00:06:28,323 Well it said "3-5 years" on the box. 113 00:06:28,400 --> 00:06:30,050 Only took me 6 months! 114 00:06:35,400 --> 00:06:36,970 You know I live in France now? 115 00:06:37,280 --> 00:06:41,001 Yeah, our Leanne said she'd read a piece about you in the Standard. 116 00:06:41,160 --> 00:06:42,605 You do computers, don't you? 117 00:06:42,720 --> 00:06:44,245 Digital marketing. 118 00:06:45,160 --> 00:06:47,322 Got my own company, Angry Tomato. 119 00:06:47,760 --> 00:06:50,969 Fifteen offices worldwide. 100 people working under me. 120 00:06:51,040 --> 00:06:52,849 Oh, does it not tickle? 121 00:06:54,400 --> 00:06:55,845 I've moved on, Len. 122 00:06:56,640 --> 00:06:58,722 All this Cheese and Crackers stuff... 123 00:06:59,280 --> 00:07:01,965 You know, I employ someone to take down all those YouTube clips? 124 00:07:02,240 --> 00:07:03,685 - No! - Course I do. 125 00:07:04,400 --> 00:07:08,007 I can't afford to go into a meeting with HSBC and someone's found me 126 00:07:08,160 --> 00:07:10,731 as Tina Turner with tights on my head and ping-pong balls for eyes. 127 00:07:10,800 --> 00:07:12,882 Hey, it's good publicity that YouTube, you know? 128 00:07:12,960 --> 00:07:15,167 My nephews were showing me, you can get everything on it. 129 00:07:15,280 --> 00:07:18,489 I know you can, Len. And it's an embarrassment to me. 130 00:07:20,720 --> 00:07:21,926 I see. 131 00:07:23,600 --> 00:07:25,045 Do you want a cup of tea? 132 00:07:26,720 --> 00:07:27,881 Is there any peppermint? 133 00:07:28,000 --> 00:07:29,365 Er... 134 00:07:30,320 --> 00:07:32,049 Forget it, I'lljust have Builder's. 135 00:07:33,040 --> 00:07:35,042 Your Leanne's grown up into a lovely young girl. 136 00:07:35,160 --> 00:07:37,447 Oh, hasn't she? A right bobby dazzler. 137 00:07:38,360 --> 00:07:41,125 When she wrote to me and asked me about doing this gig I was... 138 00:07:41,880 --> 00:07:45,202 Well, you won't be surprised to learn I was unenthusiastic to say the least. 139 00:07:45,320 --> 00:07:49,041 I know, Tommy. Sorry... Thomas. 140 00:07:49,640 --> 00:07:51,768 Remember that Morecambe and Wise interview when they were asked, 141 00:07:51,840 --> 00:07:53,763 "What would you have been if you hadn't been comedians?" 142 00:07:53,840 --> 00:07:55,285 And Eric said, "Mike and Bernie Winters." 143 00:07:55,360 --> 00:07:57,806 Yeah, funny line. 144 00:07:58,000 --> 00:08:00,048 Well we weren't even Mike and Bernie Winters. 145 00:08:01,440 --> 00:08:04,091 - We weren't that good. - No, I'm not having that, Tommy! 146 00:08:04,200 --> 00:08:07,329 It's true. We came up in the mid 80s, arse end of variety... 147 00:08:07,720 --> 00:08:09,688 Got lucky with one series on Anglia Television... 148 00:08:09,760 --> 00:08:12,525 It was more than that! What about all the live stuff? 149 00:08:12,840 --> 00:08:15,081 Ten nights at Leeds City Varieties. 150 00:08:15,160 --> 00:08:17,561 Top of the bill with Mick Miller, Bobby Knutt and the Grumbleweeds. 151 00:08:17,640 --> 00:08:20,610 - You can't get better than that! - It's hardly the Rat Pack is it, Len? 152 00:08:22,880 --> 00:08:24,211 So, why have you come then? 153 00:08:26,400 --> 00:08:27,606 How could I not? 154 00:08:29,320 --> 00:08:31,049 Plus you still owe me 25 quid. 155 00:08:31,320 --> 00:08:32,401 What for? 156 00:08:34,360 --> 00:08:35,805 Bernie Clifton's dressing room. 157 00:09:38,720 --> 00:09:40,961 Well, there you go. You've just proved you don't need me. 158 00:09:41,040 --> 00:09:43,486 - You're funny on your own. - Course I need you. 159 00:09:43,640 --> 00:09:45,881 You can't have Crackers without the Cheese! 160 00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:49,043 That's another thing. I hate that stupid name, I always did. 161 00:09:49,200 --> 00:09:52,249 But someone had already registered Cheese and Onion, I told you! 162 00:09:52,360 --> 00:09:54,124 Why did it have to be cheese and anything? 163 00:09:54,240 --> 00:09:57,005 It's so babyish. And it's not funny. 164 00:09:57,080 --> 00:09:59,208 - Well, I think it's funny. - It's too generic. 165 00:09:59,440 --> 00:10:00,726 First rule of comedy, be specific. 166 00:10:00,840 --> 00:10:02,330 You never say 'biscuit,' you say 'Garibaldi'. 167 00:10:02,400 --> 00:10:05,722 - All right, Ted Bovis! - If we do this... If... 168 00:10:06,680 --> 00:10:08,205 I want us to use our real names. 169 00:10:08,600 --> 00:10:11,046 - But then no-one'll know who we are! - Correct. 170 00:10:12,040 --> 00:10:13,087 All right, fine. 171 00:10:13,200 --> 00:10:15,407 I'll tell our Leanne to have us billed as Shelby and Drake, 172 00:10:15,480 --> 00:10:16,527 if that's what you want? 173 00:10:16,600 --> 00:10:18,648 Why Shelby and Drake? Why not Drake and Shelby? 174 00:10:19,080 --> 00:10:21,924 I dunno, it just sounds better. It's the music of it. 175 00:10:22,120 --> 00:10:24,088 - Drake and Shelby goes down. - What? 176 00:10:24,400 --> 00:10:26,721 Shelby and Drake, dah-dah-dah-dah! 177 00:10:26,840 --> 00:10:29,650 Drake and Shelby, duh-duh-duh-duh. You see, it goes down. 178 00:10:29,720 --> 00:10:31,848 Only if you do it like that. You could do Drake and Shelby! 179 00:10:31,960 --> 00:10:34,008 - Dah-dah-dah-dah! - All right, fine. 180 00:10:34,080 --> 00:10:36,242 It's not a bother, either way works. 181 00:10:36,440 --> 00:10:38,488 I'm just glad we're doing it again. 182 00:10:38,600 --> 00:10:41,046 Though I will have to tell that researcher on Britain'? Got Talent', 183 00:10:41,160 --> 00:10:42,571 -cos if we change the name... - What? 184 00:10:42,720 --> 00:10:45,610 Oh, it's nothing, I just put in an application form. 185 00:10:45,680 --> 00:10:47,125 - For Britain's Got Talent? - Yea h. 186 00:10:47,360 --> 00:10:50,125 It's all back now you know, variety. Massive viewing figures. 187 00:10:50,200 --> 00:10:52,965 I can't believe. On what planet do you think I would humiliate myself 188 00:10:53,040 --> 00:10:55,566 b . Y aplbearmg ('an that prggramme? VVlth you? 189 00:10:55,680 --> 00:10:58,331 Well I don't remember you being so fussy when Blankety Blank came knocking. 190 00:10:58,440 --> 00:10:59,851 I told you, they wouldn't have us both on. 191 00:10:59,920 --> 00:11:00,921 Oh, really? 192 00:11:01,000 --> 00:11:02,445 I tried but they went with Lorraine Chase. 193 00:11:02,520 --> 00:11:04,329 I'd have killed in that bottom middle seat. 194 00:11:04,440 --> 00:11:05,680 That was the place to be. 195 00:11:05,800 --> 00:11:08,770 All the great clowns sat there. Everett, Starr, Doddy. 196 00:11:08,880 --> 00:11:10,166 That is not the point. 197 00:11:10,320 --> 00:11:13,210 I agreed to come back to do one last gig, to an invited audience. 198 00:11:13,320 --> 00:11:15,971 And I only said yes because your daughter wrote and told me that... 199 00:11:18,680 --> 00:11:19,806 What? 200 00:11:20,800 --> 00:11:22,882 Things haven't been great for you the last few years. 201 00:11:24,280 --> 00:11:26,044 But what do you mean? What did she tell you? 202 00:11:27,800 --> 00:11:29,006 Never mind. 203 00:11:29,120 --> 00:11:31,009 No, go on. I want to know what she said. 204 00:11:34,560 --> 00:11:37,211 Cheese and Crackers are not doing Britain's Got Talent. 205 00:11:38,880 --> 00:11:39,961 okay- 206 00:11:41,560 --> 00:11:45,246 But Drake and Shelby might, yeah? Let's rehearse the vent sketch. 207 00:12:09,880 --> 00:12:11,609 You haven't gone, have ya? 208 00:12:11,800 --> 00:12:12,881 No. 209 00:12:13,840 --> 00:12:15,126 I'm still here. 210 00:12:24,760 --> 00:12:27,206 I won't be able to lift you out, I've got this hiatus hernia. 211 00:12:27,280 --> 00:12:29,487 Oh, sure, my knees are gone anyway. 212 00:12:30,120 --> 00:12:32,885 Argh! We'll figure it out. 213 00:12:36,360 --> 00:12:37,566 Right. 214 00:12:40,040 --> 00:12:42,247 So, boys and girls, this is Vincent. 215 00:12:42,320 --> 00:12:44,243 - Say hello, Vincent. - Hello, Vincent. 216 00:12:44,400 --> 00:12:45,925 What are your first impressions? 217 00:12:46,000 --> 00:12:49,004 Sorry, I don't do impressions. Eh! 218 00:12:49,080 --> 00:12:51,686 No, no, I mean, er, what do you hope to get out of this school? 219 00:12:51,760 --> 00:12:55,048 All the TVs and video recorders. 220 00:12:55,160 --> 00:12:58,403 I thought there Tommy we could update it and say computers instead. 221 00:12:58,480 --> 00:13:01,290 Yeah, whatever. Okay, Vincent, so we'll give you a quick test. 222 00:13:01,360 --> 00:13:04,125 - How's your grammar? - She's very well thank you. How's yours? 223 00:13:05,120 --> 00:13:08,169 No, no. I mean your English grammar. Where would you put a colon? 224 00:13:08,280 --> 00:13:10,044 UP Y0ur bum! 225 00:13:11,520 --> 00:13:13,249 - What? - Nothing, carry on. 226 00:13:13,400 --> 00:13:16,404 So, let's move onto maths. If a farmer has 12 cows and 18 chickens 227 00:13:16,480 --> 00:13:18,209 and he loses half of them, what has he got? 228 00:13:18,760 --> 00:13:20,364 Foot and mouth disease. 229 00:13:21,200 --> 00:13:23,248 History. Where was the Magna Carta signed? 230 00:13:23,320 --> 00:13:24,401 At the bottom! 231 00:13:24,520 --> 00:13:27,967 - Geography. Where are the Andes? - At the end of your armies! 232 00:13:28,080 --> 00:13:29,809 Jesus Christ, we can't do this, Len. 233 00:13:29,920 --> 00:13:32,446 - No, no, carry on. - I can't. I can't bear it. 234 00:13:32,640 --> 00:13:35,564 What's wrong? Do you think punk rockers might be dated now? 235 00:13:35,680 --> 00:13:38,411 Of course they are! They were dated in 1984! 236 00:13:38,640 --> 00:13:41,325 This played to silence on Crackerjack, if you remember. 237 00:13:41,400 --> 00:13:42,925 Janette Krankie wouldn't look us in the eye. 238 00:13:43,000 --> 00:13:46,721 - Well, that's cos she's only four foot. - No, it's because it's poor. 239 00:13:47,440 --> 00:13:49,124 We need better material. We needed it then, 240 00:13:49,200 --> 00:13:52,488 -we certainly need it now. -just do the last bit, the drink bit. 241 00:14:00,360 --> 00:14:03,921 Ha-ha! You see? It's a cracking ending Tommy. 242 00:14:04,000 --> 00:14:05,968 Though we'll have to make sure the front row is close. 243 00:14:06,080 --> 00:14:07,844 I want to get them all with that spit-take. 244 00:14:07,920 --> 00:14:10,241 - Oh, yeah, that's a cheap laugh, Len. - Oh, come on! 245 00:14:10,320 --> 00:14:13,324 - A laugh's a laugh, however you earn it! - Yeah, for you maybe. 246 00:14:15,240 --> 00:14:16,480 You know what your problem is? 247 00:14:18,360 --> 00:14:19,805 You've lost your sparkle. 248 00:14:20,920 --> 00:14:22,206 Yeah. 249 00:14:22,840 --> 00:14:24,888 You've got no joy in you any more. 250 00:14:25,480 --> 00:14:28,370 You're like a shark, you've got dead black eyes. 251 00:14:28,680 --> 00:14:31,365 All this corporate stuff you've been doing at Angry Pineapple, 252 00:14:31,440 --> 00:14:34,011 -it's sucked the life out of you. - Tomato. 253 00:14:34,120 --> 00:14:36,168 - What? - It's Angry Tomato. 254 00:14:36,480 --> 00:14:39,131 And I'm sorry I'm no fun any more, but I'm a different person now. 255 00:14:40,040 --> 00:14:41,280 You were no fun then. 256 00:14:41,800 --> 00:14:43,404 You've always been miserable. 257 00:14:44,080 --> 00:14:47,607 That's why it all dried up for us, people could sense it. 258 00:14:48,560 --> 00:14:52,406 You killed Cheese and Crackers, Tommy. I'm sorry, but it has to be said. 259 00:14:55,920 --> 00:14:57,331 You weren't always like this. 260 00:14:59,040 --> 00:15:01,691 Remember when we first started out, back in the day, 261 00:15:02,920 --> 00:15:05,526 we used to cry with laughter at every little thing. 262 00:15:05,640 --> 00:15:08,371 Yeah, well... The joke wore thin, didn't it? 263 00:15:11,200 --> 00:15:13,567 - I'm going for a ciggie. Do you... - No. 264 00:15:14,480 --> 00:15:16,403 I stopped 20 years ago. So should you. 265 00:16:05,120 --> 00:16:06,610 Looks like it's gonna rain. 266 00:16:06,840 --> 00:16:08,729 What's going on, Len? What's all this? 267 00:16:09,480 --> 00:16:10,766 Nothing, they're just... 268 00:16:11,280 --> 00:16:13,442 Props. I thought we could have a play, like I said. 269 00:16:13,520 --> 00:16:15,045 What were you thinking for these? 270 00:16:16,640 --> 00:16:18,165 Sweeney Todd gets diarrhoea? 271 00:16:18,360 --> 00:16:20,761 No, but it's a good thought. Call it Sweeney Turd. 272 00:16:20,840 --> 00:16:23,366 - Boom, we're off! - Len, Len... 273 00:16:25,520 --> 00:16:26,681 Are you... 274 00:16:27,800 --> 00:16:29,802 I can't believe I'm saying this, you're homeless aren't you? 275 00:16:31,000 --> 00:16:33,287 Well, Leanne's got the baby now 276 00:16:33,360 --> 00:16:36,330 and I have to be down here for voice over work. 277 00:16:36,400 --> 00:16:37,765 When did you last do a voice over? 278 00:16:37,920 --> 00:16:40,651 It was a while back I grant ya. I think it was for Tudor crisps. 279 00:16:40,720 --> 00:16:42,210 Why didn't you tell me? 280 00:16:44,000 --> 00:16:45,286 I didn't want you to be jealous. 281 00:16:45,360 --> 00:16:48,807 Not about the crisps, about being homeless. 282 00:16:48,880 --> 00:16:50,166 How has that happened? 283 00:16:50,720 --> 00:16:53,041 I don't know, it just crept up on me. 284 00:16:53,920 --> 00:16:55,445 Missed a few payments, 285 00:16:55,800 --> 00:16:59,168 next thing there's a sign on the door, all the locks have changed. 286 00:16:59,880 --> 00:17:01,848 I had 15 minutes to grab what I could. 287 00:17:02,320 --> 00:17:03,845 So where are you actually staying now? 288 00:17:04,320 --> 00:17:06,800 Here and there. A few nights at Leanne's. 289 00:17:07,880 --> 00:17:11,168 One or two other spots I've found. 290 00:17:12,640 --> 00:17:14,563 I wish you'd told me sooner. I could've helped you. 291 00:17:14,720 --> 00:17:17,451 I don't want your money, Tommy. I never did. 292 00:17:19,480 --> 00:17:21,130 I just want you by my side. 293 00:17:22,280 --> 00:17:24,442 One last serving of Cheese and Crackers. 294 00:17:29,320 --> 00:17:30,367 All right. 295 00:17:31,160 --> 00:17:32,207 What do you wanna do next? 296 00:17:32,280 --> 00:17:34,965 Well, I thought we could have a go at "One Man Went to Mow", you know, 297 00:17:35,040 --> 00:17:38,283 with all the quick-fire impressions, but we can't do it now. 298 00:17:38,360 --> 00:17:39,771 Well, we could if we practiced. 299 00:17:39,880 --> 00:17:42,121 No, we can't do it cos they're all Yewtree. 300 00:17:43,200 --> 00:17:44,645 They're not, are they? 301 00:17:46,320 --> 00:17:47,481 Oh, God, you're right. 302 00:17:47,680 --> 00:17:50,684 - He's not Yewtree, is he? - Not yet, but he will be. 303 00:17:50,880 --> 00:17:53,121 Oh, we can still do all the cartoon ones. 304 00:17:53,200 --> 00:17:55,806 "Oooh, oooh, Mr Peevly, Mr Peevly." 305 00:17:55,880 --> 00:17:57,484 Do you think people remember The Hair Bear Bunch? 306 00:17:57,600 --> 00:17:58,761 Yes! 307 00:17:58,920 --> 00:18:01,207 People love remembering things that happened in the '70s. 308 00:18:01,280 --> 00:18:02,611 This lot don't. 309 00:18:02,720 --> 00:18:05,166 - When I last did panto... - In 1992, carry on... 310 00:18:05,280 --> 00:18:06,930 When I last did panto 311 00:18:07,040 --> 00:18:10,362 I did 'em all. Hong Kong Phooey, Dick Dastardly, 312 00:18:10,520 --> 00:18:12,090 Mary Mungo and Midge. 313 00:18:12,160 --> 00:18:13,525 What did you do for Mary Mungo and Midge? 314 00:18:13,640 --> 00:18:15,642 I just watched the lift go down. 315 00:18:19,600 --> 00:18:21,250 Well, that must have been a fun evening. 316 00:18:21,640 --> 00:18:24,120 Well it wasn't easy being one ugly sister. 317 00:18:25,720 --> 00:18:28,849 All right, but shouldn't we be thinking of something more contemporary? 318 00:18:29,000 --> 00:18:30,411 Who makes you laugh? 319 00:18:30,600 --> 00:18:31,681 Eh? 320 00:18:31,800 --> 00:18:34,041 What current stuff do you watch that makes you laugh? 321 00:18:34,480 --> 00:18:37,370 I've always admired that young lad, joe Pasquale. 322 00:18:37,560 --> 00:18:39,289 Uh, he's 56! 323 00:18:39,560 --> 00:18:41,289 He's about as current as Kajagoogoo. 324 00:18:41,400 --> 00:18:44,165 Funny bones though, and he's a brilliant prop comic. 325 00:18:44,640 --> 00:18:46,529 But if you still want to make it in this game, 326 00:18:46,720 --> 00:18:48,848 you've got to follow what the rules are now. 327 00:18:49,200 --> 00:18:51,806 With my business head on I'd be looking at current trends, 328 00:18:52,000 --> 00:18:53,365 gaps in the market. 329 00:18:53,560 --> 00:18:55,164 At the moment, we're an outdated model. 330 00:18:55,280 --> 00:18:58,363 It's heritage comedy! It's magic what we do. 331 00:18:58,800 --> 00:19:01,804 - It's not a business. - It is a business, Len! 332 00:19:02,000 --> 00:19:03,445 Show-business. 333 00:19:03,600 --> 00:19:06,490 And that's what you failed to grasp. And that's why... 334 00:19:07,160 --> 00:19:08,286 What? 335 00:19:09,360 --> 00:19:11,601 - Nothing. - No, tell me! 336 00:19:12,520 --> 00:19:14,727 It's obviously been on your mind for 30 years. 337 00:19:15,280 --> 00:19:16,441 All right. 338 00:19:16,960 --> 00:19:18,450 Bernie Clifton's dressing room. 339 00:19:18,560 --> 00:19:20,562 What about Bernie Clifton's dressing room? 340 00:19:21,480 --> 00:19:23,164 - You don't remember? - No. 341 00:19:24,040 --> 00:19:25,485 And that is my point. 342 00:19:27,840 --> 00:19:29,285 Let's do brown bottles. 343 00:20:42,000 --> 00:20:44,731 # Ten brown bottles Sitting on the wall 344 00:20:44,840 --> 00:20:47,446 # Ten brown bottles Sitting on the wall 345 00:20:47,520 --> 00:20:51,002 # And if one brown bottle Should accidentally fall 346 00:20:52,840 --> 00:20:55,969 # There'll be nine brown bottles Sitting on the wall 347 00:20:56,040 --> 00:20:58,486 # Nine brown bottles Sitting on the wall 348 00:20:58,560 --> 00:21:02,042 # And if one brown bottle Should accidentally fall... 349 00:21:03,440 --> 00:21:04,726 Come on, accidentally fall! 350 00:21:04,800 --> 00:21:06,802 I haven't finished this one yet! 351 00:21:07,160 --> 00:21:10,130 # There'll be eight brown bottles Sitting on the wall 352 00:21:10,280 --> 00:21:11,850 # Eight brown bottles Sitting... 353 00:21:11,960 --> 00:21:13,086 You're not supposed to drink 'em! 354 00:21:13,160 --> 00:21:16,403 # And if one brown bottle Should accidentally fall 355 00:21:16,560 --> 00:21:20,645 # There'll be seven brown... Six bottles, sitting on the wall 356 00:21:20,720 --> 00:21:23,405 # Five brown bottles Sitting on the wall 357 00:21:23,480 --> 00:21:26,802 # And if one brown bottle Should accidentally fall... 358 00:21:26,920 --> 00:21:29,366 Oh, sorry about that! 359 00:21:29,440 --> 00:21:32,683 # There'll be four brown bottles Sitting on the wall 360 00:21:32,800 --> 00:21:35,485 # Four brown bottles Sitting on the wall... 361 00:21:35,560 --> 00:21:37,403 - What are you doing? - Health and safety! 362 00:21:37,480 --> 00:21:40,051 # And if one brown bottle Should accidentally fall 363 00:21:40,160 --> 00:21:42,367 # There'll be three brown bottles Sitting on the wall 364 00:21:42,440 --> 00:21:43,487 I need a wee. 365 00:21:43,560 --> 00:21:46,086 # Three brown bottles Sitting on the wall 366 00:21:46,160 --> 00:21:47,321 # And if one brown bottle... 367 00:21:47,440 --> 00:21:48,521 Not there! 368 00:21:48,600 --> 00:21:50,489 # Should accidentally fall... 369 00:21:51,880 --> 00:21:55,407 # There'll be two brown bottles Sitting on the wall 370 00:21:55,480 --> 00:21:57,164 # Two brown bottles Sitting on the wall 371 00:21:57,240 --> 00:21:58,321 I love you, Tommy. 372 00:21:58,400 --> 00:22:01,882 # And if one brown bottle Should accidentally fall... 373 00:22:03,680 --> 00:22:06,206 # There'll be one brown bottle Sitting on the wall# 374 00:22:06,280 --> 00:22:07,691 Tommy Drake ladies and gentlemen! 375 00:22:08,520 --> 00:22:12,206 He's so mean you need a spanner to get 50p out of his hand. 376 00:22:12,760 --> 00:22:14,046 Gis a kiss... 377 00:22:14,200 --> 00:22:16,009 # There'll be no more bottles... # 378 00:22:19,160 --> 00:22:20,525 And no more wall. 379 00:22:22,840 --> 00:22:26,526 Hey, takes it outta ya that one. It's funny though. 380 00:22:26,720 --> 00:22:29,246 So, you don't remember Bernie Clifton's dressing room? 381 00:22:29,760 --> 00:22:32,081 No, I don't! Why do you have to keep bringing that up? 382 00:22:32,320 --> 00:22:35,529 We were on stage, Glasgow Pavilion, doing Brown Bottles, 383 00:22:35,600 --> 00:22:37,728 you walked off to get the broom, you never came back. 384 00:22:37,960 --> 00:22:40,964 You left me standing there, humiliated, vamping for 10 minutes 385 00:22:41,040 --> 00:22:42,963 while the audience started slow hand clapping. 386 00:22:43,120 --> 00:22:44,565 People shouting "Where's the funny one?" 387 00:22:45,120 --> 00:22:46,770 I walked off to find you 388 00:22:46,840 --> 00:22:49,366 in Bernie Clifton's dressing room, lying on the floor 389 00:22:49,480 --> 00:22:50,641 choking in your own vomit. 390 00:22:50,760 --> 00:22:53,650 Probably cos I'd just necked seven bottles of beer in three minutes! 391 00:22:53,720 --> 00:22:55,484 Yeah, and how many times a week did you do that? 392 00:22:55,600 --> 00:22:57,523 - I can't remember. - Course you can't remember. 393 00:22:57,640 --> 00:23:02,009 I'm surprised you remember anything from 83 to 87, the amount you drank. 394 00:23:02,320 --> 00:23:04,971 - What are you saying? - You nearly died, Len! 395 00:23:08,480 --> 00:23:09,891 You're an alcoholic. 396 00:23:11,600 --> 00:23:13,921 And Bernie Clifton's dressing room was the last straw. 397 00:23:14,960 --> 00:23:16,564 He had to destroy that ostrich, you know? 398 00:23:16,640 --> 00:23:18,404 - No, he didn't. - He did! 399 00:23:19,520 --> 00:23:21,682 Twenty-five quid I had to give him, which I never saw back. 400 00:23:21,760 --> 00:23:24,809 It's very stressful going out on stage every night, making people laugh. 401 00:23:24,880 --> 00:23:26,291 You don't need to tell me that. 402 00:23:26,360 --> 00:23:28,362 How would you know, Thomas? 403 00:23:29,600 --> 00:23:32,524 I was the one on the front foot, driving it. 404 00:23:32,720 --> 00:23:34,722 You just stood there like a fucking pillar box. 405 00:23:34,800 --> 00:23:36,484 That's why you were drunk for 10 years, is it? 406 00:23:36,560 --> 00:23:37,846 Oh, don't exaggerate. 407 00:23:37,960 --> 00:23:39,803 You said I killed Cheese and Crackers? 408 00:23:41,160 --> 00:23:42,810 Because I was miserable? 409 00:23:44,880 --> 00:23:47,201 Why do you think they wouldn't have you on Blankety Blank? 410 00:23:47,800 --> 00:23:49,529 Why we died a death on Crackerjack? 411 00:23:51,120 --> 00:23:52,281 It was you. 412 00:23:53,880 --> 00:23:55,405 You were always pissed! 413 00:23:58,160 --> 00:23:59,571 I loved performing. 414 00:24:00,960 --> 00:24:03,008 I loved being on stage every night. 415 00:24:04,440 --> 00:24:07,205 - Nothing gave me more joy. - So, why did you leave it all then? 416 00:24:07,360 --> 00:24:08,850 To save you. 417 00:24:11,000 --> 00:24:13,970 You turned into a monster after six half-hours on Anglia! 418 00:24:16,080 --> 00:24:18,003 I was frightened if we got any bigger... 419 00:24:20,800 --> 00:24:22,086 You were killing yourself, 420 00:24:23,560 --> 00:24:24,891 so I walked away. 421 00:24:26,680 --> 00:24:29,968 - But, you came back, didn't ya? - Yes, and I wish I'd never bothered! 422 00:24:31,920 --> 00:24:33,410 Sorry, am I interrupting? 423 00:24:35,640 --> 00:24:39,486 No, I was just, going through my speech. 424 00:24:43,160 --> 00:24:44,491 Hard to find the right words. 425 00:24:44,680 --> 00:24:46,250 I'm sure you'll be fine. 426 00:24:47,840 --> 00:24:49,922 Ah, have you been looking through my Dad's stuff? 427 00:24:50,160 --> 00:24:51,241 Yeah. 428 00:24:51,760 --> 00:24:53,762 Yeah, brought back a lot of memories. 429 00:24:55,080 --> 00:24:56,525 He was a funny man. 430 00:24:57,200 --> 00:24:58,645 He was. 431 00:24:59,480 --> 00:25:00,845 Are there many people here? 432 00:25:01,320 --> 00:25:02,685 Quite a few, yeah. 433 00:25:02,880 --> 00:25:05,804 Er, Sid Little, couple of Nolans... 434 00:25:06,600 --> 00:25:08,762 - I've brought you the order of service. - Oh, thanks. 435 00:25:09,800 --> 00:25:11,484 You'll be on afterjanette Krankie. 436 00:25:11,560 --> 00:25:13,927 So if you just give a moment to move her box. 437 00:25:14,040 --> 00:25:15,121 Ah, yeah. 438 00:25:15,320 --> 00:25:17,607 My dad wanted it to be a celebration. 439 00:25:18,520 --> 00:25:21,046 One last gig to an invited audience. 440 00:25:21,160 --> 00:25:22,650 As long as they don't expect me to be funny. 441 00:25:22,840 --> 00:25:25,081 Oh, no, I don't think anyone's expecting that. 442 00:25:25,720 --> 00:25:27,210 Thanks for doing it though. 443 00:25:27,520 --> 00:25:30,205 I know you and my dad had unresolved business. 444 00:25:30,520 --> 00:25:32,761 We did, but, erm... 445 00:25:33,600 --> 00:25:34,806 It's too late now. 446 00:25:35,760 --> 00:25:38,445 Like I said earlier, just imagine he's here with ya, 447 00:25:38,920 --> 00:25:39,967 in the room. 448 00:25:41,960 --> 00:25:43,121 Yeah. 449 00:25:44,040 --> 00:25:46,805 You will come to the do after, won't you for a drink and a snack? 450 00:25:47,600 --> 00:25:48,806 We're, erm... 451 00:25:49,520 --> 00:25:52,763 -having cheese and crackers. - Oh, well, quite right too. 452 00:25:58,000 --> 00:25:59,161 Erm, 453 00:25:59,600 --> 00:26:01,682 we're gonna be playing Tears of Laughter 454 00:26:01,960 --> 00:26:04,770 when they bring him in, just so you're prepared. 455 00:26:06,000 --> 00:26:07,161 Okay- 456 00:26:08,040 --> 00:26:10,725 Oh, I almost forgot. 457 00:26:12,080 --> 00:26:13,889 He wanted you to have this. 458 00:26:15,280 --> 00:26:16,884 He was very insistent. 459 00:26:18,800 --> 00:26:20,609 He said you'd know what it was about. 460 00:27:11,960 --> 00:27:13,610 Thank you, old pal. 461 00:27:15,640 --> 00:27:17,369 # It's almost time to say goodbye 462 00:27:17,440 --> 00:27:18,930 # Ta ta and fare thee well 463 00:27:19,040 --> 00:27:21,930 # It's almost time To bring the curtain down 464 00:27:22,760 --> 00:27:24,171 # I'll say adieu... # To me? 465 00:27:24,280 --> 00:27:26,567 # To you So long, it has been swell 466 00:27:26,720 --> 00:27:30,247 # But don't you cry the tears of a clown 467 00:27:30,600 --> 00:27:32,250 # If you're 468 00:27:32,400 --> 00:27:36,121 # Going to cry Cry tears of laughter 469 00:27:36,240 --> 00:27:39,130 # A smile takes much less effort Than a frown 470 00:27:39,520 --> 00:27:41,568 # So let's have one more joke 471 00:27:41,680 --> 00:27:43,967 # And raise the rafters 472 00:27:44,120 --> 00:27:46,691 # Cos laughter's The best medicine in town 473 00:27:48,200 --> 00:27:51,488 Doctor, doctor, I keep feeling like a woman who delivers babies! 474 00:27:51,600 --> 00:27:54,171 Don't worry, it's just a midwife crisis. 475 00:27:54,600 --> 00:27:56,762 # Yes, if you're going to cry 476 00:27:56,920 --> 00:27:59,491 # Cry tears of laughter 477 00:27:59,560 --> 00:28:02,166 # Your funny bone can never break in two 478 00:28:03,360 --> 00:28:06,967 # Misery might let you win a BA I-TA 479 00:28:07,040 --> 00:28:11,284 # But laughter is my memory of you 480 00:28:11,440 --> 00:28:13,169 There are three types of people in this world. 481 00:28:13,280 --> 00:28:15,123 Those who can count and those that can't. 482 00:28:15,240 --> 00:28:16,446 Terrible. 483 00:28:16,720 --> 00:28:21,089 # Laughter is my memory of you 484 00:28:21,200 --> 00:28:22,964 Do you know Tommy, I've spent the last four years 485 00:28:23,040 --> 00:28:25,725 looking for my mother-in-law's killer. But no one will do it. 486 00:28:25,800 --> 00:28:30,010 # Yes, laughter is my memory of... 487 00:28:33,000 --> 00:28:34,445 #You#