This programme contains some strong language
and some scenes which some viewers may find upsetting
HE SNIFFS
Oh, it's back again, that musty smell.
Can you not smell it? Not really.
It's because she doesn't ventilate it when we're not here.
Honestly, I can't smell anything.
There's something wrong with you, then.
It's like a Brie farted. PHONE BEEPS
Oh, and she's left the fridge door closed!
Friggin' hell! HE SIGHS
I said, "Unplug the fridge and leave the door open, please."
I'm gonna send her one of my snotty emails.
Oh, don't do that. You'll hurt her feelings.
I don't care. She's absolutely useless.
She's 82. So what? It annoys me.
It's the absolute bare minimum, because she knows
we're in the middle of nowhere and we don't have a choice!
Oh, my God, there's ants all over the surfaces!
I'm gonna have to get the Dustbuster out.
I can't bear it! Chas, please.
We've had a long drive. It's fine.
You unpack, I'll clean.
What's the problem?
DUSTBUSTER WHIRS
HE GROANS Fuckin' hell.
INSECTS BUZZING
CHAS: And I told her to plant some lavender
round the back to keep the mozzies away.
I bet she hasn't done that either!
You know where this is from? It was behind the fridge.
Don't know. Just put it in with Mouse Trap.
You wanna put everything in with Mouse Trap.
No, I don't. You do.
It's like a whole compendium in there now.
Don't know how you catch the poor thing
with a bathtub, two Rummikubs and a Captain Peacock.
Er, it's Mrs Peacock. Captain Peacock is...
Are You Being Served? Yeah, all right, Nellie.
You know what I mean.
And I bet she hasn't dusted these blinds.
Chas...
INSECTS BUZZING
You've got to be really careful
and get the cloth between each slat.
See? Look, it's mucky black.
It's fine.
Come here. Hey?
Look.
See?
Hmm?
Now breathe.
HE BREATHES DEEPLY
I love you, Joe Madison.
I'd better get peeling those spuds.
I thought we'd do the moussaka tonight.
Yeah, listen, hang on.
Before you go...
Now, don't be mad but, um...
..I've got something for you.
What? How come?
Well, I know we don't really do anniversaries
but it's been nine years...
No? That's not now, is it?
Well, it depends where you take it from.
You know, first date, first kiss,
first...coupling.
HE SIGHS Coupling?
We sound like fuckin' Jane Austen characters.
But I am taking it from when I first approached you
in that awful bar...
Awful bar... What was it called? The Pink Sock?
The Purple Sock.
The Purple Sock. Jesus.
Anyway, I told you then
that we'd be together for at least nine years, and...
..in spite of a few...
..bumps and lumps...
..we made it.
So...
Here.
HE SIGHS
Oh...
Isn't this what they give old biddies with arthritis?
Don't be mean!
Copper is the traditional gift. I googled it.
Apparently, its beauty and malleability...
What-eability? Malleability.
..symbolise the way a couple
can bend to accommodate each other
after nine years together.
Oh. It sounds absolutely filthy. I love it.
Thank you.
PILL BOTTLE RATTLES
You know, if you stop working,
we could have more than weekends together.
I'm only thinking of you.
I like working.
It keeps me busy.
Takes my mind off things.
I know, but...
...do you not wanna make the most of each day?
HE SIGHS
I love our life the way it is.
I love coming home and sharing all our news.
Please don't make me change.
As if I could.
I just...
...wish we could've done more.
Now, I do need to get going with that moussaka.
Hey...
Here's to the next nine years.
Yeah.
HE SIGHS
PHONE RINGS
Joe! Phone!
HE SIGHS
INSECTS BUZZING
GENTLE JAZZ MUSIC
What did Mollie say? What about?
About the ants. Huh!
MIMICS SCOTTISH ACCENT: Och!
I'm awful sorry, Mr Gregory.
I hope it hasnae spoilt your weekend.
I just love cheese, and I like to sprinkle a wee bit of cheese
out the back to keep the ants at bay.
She actually did that once.
NORMAL VOICE: I know she did. No wonder it stinks.
I wouldn't mind, but a big fuckin' family of rats came out to eat it.
I like her. At least she makes us laugh.
Nothing's that funny.
Next year I'm gonna get some sturdy Polish lady in.
They're half the price and twice as thorough.
What about Mollie?
Oh, she'll be dead by then, surely.
Sorry.
It's fine.
I didn't think.
You're allowed to say it.
You haven't eaten much.
Yeah, I'm not that hungry.
Well, you'll be having it for your lunch tomorrow
and every day after that until it's all gone!
You got room for some pud?
What is it?
Milk, milk, lemonade, round the corner chocolate's made!
HE CHUCKLES
Sounds delicious. Made by me own fair hand.
TAP RUNS
It's chocolate cake anyway.
What is?
Milk, milk, lemonade, round the corner, chocolate cake.
What you going on about?
Nothing. You always say it wrong, that's all.
What do you mean wrong? It's, "Milk, milk, lemonade,
"round the corner chocolate's made." No. Milk, milk, lemonade,
round the corner, chocolate cake.
Oh, my God, you're trying to gaslight me.
Do you want a herbal tea? Sure.
Oh...
I think, er, we've only got camomile.
Yeah, that's fine.
Oh, that water pump's leaking again.
You can see it all stained down the back.
We'll have to dig that card out from that guy we used last time.
Mm.
You see, in my version, they're all different foodstuffs.
What are? The milk comes from there,
the lemonade from there, the chocolate cake from there.
There's a...a logic to it,
like you're creating a banquet with your body.
Oh, Joe, leave it, for fuck's sake.
Excuse me, you're the one who learned the wrong rhyme.
Well, your version doesn't rhyme.
You can't rhyme lemonade and chocolate cake.
Yes, you can. It's a slant rhyme.
The vowel sounds match up and the consonants are different.
All right, Professor Plum. Let's see... Alexa?
Don't do that, Chas. You know it winds me up.
Alexa, is it, "Milk, milk, lemonade, round the corner chocolate's made"?
It doesn't matter. Or, "Milk, milk, lemonade,
"round the corner, chocolate cake"? I said it doesn't fucking matter!
ALEXA: Sorry, I don't understand.
Yeah, you're not the only one. Why are you picking a fight with me?
I'm not. I'm just pointing out that sometimes it is possible
that you are wrong. There is no wrong!
I say "chocolate's made", you say "chocolate cake"!
So what?! There's an American girl at the gym
that says, "Push a button, fudge is made."
They're just different versions!
All right, fine!
If you're so desperate to win every little argument, I concede!
I'm not desperate to win. I'm just pissed off
you're picking a fight when I've done nothing!
I'm going to bed. What's got into you?
MIMICKING: "Alexa, is it milk, milk, lemonade,
"round the corner, chocolate's made?" I don't talk like that.
"Alexa, Mollie didn't close "the fridge door properly!"
NORMAL VOICE: Well, boo-fucking-hoo!
Is that the extent of things you have to worry about?
I have a right to be angry, Joe.
What, and I don't? You don't know what anger is, Chas,
true fucking anger that drives you absolutely insane!
You have no idea.
Of course I do, you stupid fucking idiot!
Do you not think I'm angry at the life I've missed out on
the past nine years?
The work I could've done, the holidays I could've been on,
the men I could've shagged?
I've dropped everything.
I've ground my whole life into this tiny space
so I could look after you and be there for you!
So don't tell me I don't have a right to be pissed off,
because I do!
I didn't ask you to throw your whole life away looking after me.
You wanted to. And I still want to!
And if you think I'm gonna walk away and leave you now
cos you're having a go at me, then you're wrong, Joe!
I'm here till the bitter end.
Sorry.
And I'm not pissed off with you.
I'm pissed off with that...
...thing inside you, the...
...bloody chocolate cake.
LAUGHS QUIETLY
I've not heard it called that before.
Come on, why don't you go to bed and I'll clean up?
OK. I'm sorry.
I love you.
HE SIGHS
Not C for Chas, then.
JOE: Excuse me, I've read the rules.
CHAS: Don't give in to him, Mollie, don't.
MOLLIE: Haud yer wheesht, man! Right.
I want £500. Deal.
Well, that's it, then, game over.
Oh, what are you moaning about?
You've still got your greens.
The greens are shit. No-one ever lands on greens.
Well, I did two turns ago, but you never noticed.
God, Mollie Grayson, you cheat!
It's no' cheating if you don't see it.
Oh, the silent assassin!
Right, I've put two houses on all my reds.
That's 900. I'm gonna be better off going in jail.
Yeah, and you still owe me £4
for when you landed on Vine Street, remember?
Yeah, all right, Nellie.
You'll have to wait till I get some change.
Why do you call him Nellie?
Cos he's like an elephant. He never forgets.
At least I won second prize in a beauty contest, remember?
Hmm. Who came first? Shane MacGowan?
You cheeky bastard!
HE GROANS
You OK? Yeah, I'm fine, yeah.
Can I get you any more cheese?
Oh, no, thank you, I've had quite enough.
I do love my cheese, though.
Oh, yeah, we know you do.
Right, I'm just gonna go to the little boys' room.
I may be some time...
Sure you're all right? Yeah, I'm fine.
Keep an eye on that bank, though, Mollie.
He's a cheating little so-and-so.
Oh, I will.
He seems in good spirits.
Yeah. Yeah, we love coming here.
Leave all your troubles behind.
Well, most of them.
If you ever need to talk...
Thanks.
Er...
"Doctor's fee. Pay £50."
Fuckin' brilliant.
I hope you don't mind me saying, but I...
..I did hear raised voices when I was out with the doggies yesterday.
Yeah, sorry about that.
Oh, don't be sorry, dear.
Anger is one of the five stages.
Yeah, well, I think it's the one I'm stuck on,
like a really hard level on Candy Crush.
I can't get past it.
Er, I'll, erm, just nod and pretend I know what you're talking about.
I thought there were seven stages anyway.
Dopey. Grumpy. Bashful...
SHE CHUCKLES
I went through it all when I lost Fraser.
Somebody bought me the book
On Death And Dying by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross.
That must've cheered you up.
Oh, she actually wrote it
for those who are facing up to their own end of life,
but it also applies to those who are left behind.
It's the same, whether you're mourning
the end of a relationship or the death of a pet.
Not everyone feels the same thing at the same time,
but you can take comfort from the fact
that you're not the only one to have been through it.
Mm.
Did I ever tell you I was...
..very nearly a pop star?
Oh, goodness me. No!
CHAS: Yeah, it was in the late '90s.
I'd been slogging away in the clubs with a boyband,
Atlantic 5.
We got to number 112 in the charts with Blue Jeans Baby.
I'm surprised you don't remember.
Ooh, if it's after Johnny Mathis, I wouldn't know it.
Well, anyway, we got dropped by the record label,
so it all came to nothing.
Tried to launch a solo career.
Classic denial.
I started going online to other people's Myspace pages
where they'd posted their own music,
and leaving abusive messages.
"Don't call us, we'll call you."
That sort of thing. I was just so angry at
what I'd lost and they all stood to gain.
Certainly felt depression.
And then, after I met Joe, acceptance.
But...bargaining bit, I never really understood it.
That's why I'm so crap at Monopoly, I suppose.
Maybe...
...coming here is the bargain.
We're on holiday,
we can eat, and walk and play games,
and death doesn't exist.
Joe's cancer doesn't exist.
So it's a bit like saying,
"I'll swap my Water Works for your Park Lane and Mayfair"?
MOLLIE CHUCKLES
Who knows?
Miracles can happen.
I'll swap your Water Works for my waterworks
any day of the week! You were listening?
Alexa, please play Blue Jeans Baby by Atlantic 5.
Don't, Joe. It's embarrassing.
What? MUSIC STARTS
Stop it. It is hilarious, Mollie.
There's a whole video and everything.
If you're gonna do it, do it properly.
Go on, then! Yeah.
SINGS ALONG # She's my blue jeans baby
# She's my blue jeans baby, baby
# She's got the bluest jeans
# She's got the bluest eyes
# And when she passed by I popped my flies... #
You're getting into that now, aren't ya?
Yeah, come on.
# She's my blue jeans baby... #
MOLLIE GIGGLES
# She's my blue jeans baby, baby... #
INSECTS BUZZING
JOE: Do you want it hot or cold?
CHAS: What is it? Quiche.
Oh, er, hot, please,
as long as the pastry doesn't go all soggy.
How are you getting on?
Well, I look like I've got leprosy.
Well, let's see.
JOE LAUGHS
What's in it?
Just, er, oats, honey, er, baking soda and buttermilk.
Mm, tasty. Will someone be getting their oats tonight?
Maybe. Depends how hungry I am.
Mm. You know what I'd really love now?
Massage. Seriously?
Yeah. Come on, you said it was my pamper night.
Yes, I did, didn't I?
Come on, then.
Let's get you between my legs.
Ooh.
THEY CHUCKLE
Oh...
Did Mollie get back all right?
Yeah, she just had to go and feed the dogs.
Do you think she ever spreads a bit of Primula on her noo-noo
and lets the doggies lick it off?
Chas! That's disgusting!
I know.
I've had too much to drink.
PHONE PINGS
You're not gonna get that?
Nah, it'll just be work.
Why are you being so nice to me?
Well, we don't know what the future holds, do we?
This could be our last weekend here.
That's depressing.
Well, I don't want to be a Debbie Downer, but it's true.
I just need you to know that whatever happens...
..I never stopped thinking about you.
I know.
Right, wait there and don't come in.
I've got a surprise for you in the bathroom.
You're really spoiling me.
Must have a guilty conscience.
BATH TAPS RUN
Joe?
Yeah?
Who's Mick?
He tried phoning you earlier, and yesterday,
and he leaves messages with kisses and aubergine emojis.
I don't mind. It's just that we normally tell each other
when we're flirting with someone, and we laugh about it.
But this Mick, you...
..you've not mentioned him before. Should I be worried?
Sorry, what were you saying? I couldn't hear you.
Right...
Cards on the table.
I kissed a man when you were at one of your treatment centres.
He asked me to go back to his place and I was tempted,
I was really tempted, because we hadn't...
..coupled in such a long time.
Years, in fact.
But I stopped myself because I made a commitment to you,
and I've never wavered from that,
however hard it's been.
Plus, he smoked liquorice roll-ups and that repulsed me a little bit.
What are you talking about?
I'm talking about Mick. Mick?
Mick's great. You'd love her.
Her? Yeah. It's Michaela.
She's one of my Macmillan nurses.
Well, she gave me her personal number cos we hit it off.
Why d'you you ask? No reason.
No reason at all. Oh...
Oh, my God, I've never been so happy.
I couldn't bear it if...
What?
Oh... Mm! Get off!
Now, close your eyes... What?
Close your eyes and come with me.
Careful. Mm-hm.
No peeking.
Now...do you remember
when you'd booked that hot-spring spa to Iceland,
and we couldn't go cos I was ill?
You said you'd always dreamed of lying in a mudbath
with a face pack on and a glass of champagne?
Yeah?
Ta-da!
Oh, Joe...
Right, well, go on, get in quick.
It won't stay warm for long. I'll fill your glass.
Oh...
This is amazing.
What's it all in aid of?
I just wanted to pay you back, that's all.
Happy anniversary!
How is it?
Er, it's a bit claggy but it's lovely, thank you.
Here.
I should be doing this for you.
No.
You deserve it.
You really deserve it.
INSECTS BUZZING
PILLS RATTLE
RATTLING CONTINUES
Joe...
Fuck...
I must've passed out.
Xanax.
Those meds came in handy eventually.
I can't...I can't move.
I know you can't.
What's happening?
You were asking me about Michaela.
Oh, oh, it's a misunderstanding.
I didn't realise she was a nurse.
Oh, she's not a nurse, actually.
She's a finance manager, and soon to be my wife.
Yeah, we're getting married next year.
Shame you can't sing at the wedding.
# She's my blue jeans baby, baby... #
INSECTS BUZZING FAINTLY
No, you're winding me up.
No, it's true, I can assure you.
I live in London with Mick through the week,
and then I tell her
I've got to visit my elderly father at the weekends,
when I come and see you.
It's not been easy, but, um, well, it's been a couple of years now,
and she's not aware you even exist.
Why?
Why what?
Why didn't you just split up with me?
Because...
..I wanted to be able to look you in the eye and tell you...
..that you have completely wasted the past nine years of your life.
All those sacrifices you made...
..were pointless.
HE SOBS
I love you. I know you do.
You kept on telling me. But I never responded in kind.
Did you notice?
I did a lot of things that I was not proud of...
..but I wouldn't do that.
Oh, Joe...
What? Aw...
Don't cry.
You'll wash off all your lovely face pack.
Here...
You're just...
You're confused.
It's your medication.
No, I'm not dying, by the way.
Just a splash of Vimto in the toilet pan every now and again,
a few mocked-up emails.
You never really wanted to engage with my little tumour, did you?
It repulsed you...
..just as you repulse me.
But I accepted that was the price I had to pay...
..just as you have to accept your punishment.
FAINT CLATTERING
HE BREATHES QUICKLY
What the fuck is this, Joe?
Get me out!
This is my daughter Olivia.
She was 13 and a big fan of Atlantic 5 -
one of the few people to actually buy Blue Jeans Baby.
She worshipped you,
and you inspired her to start writing songs of her own.
Until, that is, you found her on MySpace
and started to take the piss.
But it was worse than that, wasn't it?
It wasn't, "Don't call us, we'll call you."
Joe, please...
It was, "You're so shit,
"why don't you go and kill yourself?"
So she did.
Or she tried to, at least.
My wife found her in the bath next to an empty bottle of bleach.
Assisted coma for guess how long?
Nine years.
Nine years before my ex-wife and I -
we were separated by this point, we just couldn't make it through -
were gently encouraged to switch her off.
So we did.
I'm sorry.
We were never sure exactly why she did it.
She never left a note.
I had her phone. I did my research,
and that's when I sought you out,
Chazz with two Zs.
Approached you in the Purple Sock,
where you were doing that tragic PA.
And I started my campaign.
Nine years of your life wasted...
..loving someone who hated you.
HE WHIMPERS
Now you're going to die.
But I won't switch you off.
That would be too kind.
You're just gonna... leave me here on my own?
No.
You won't be on your own.
INSECTS BUZZING LOUDLY
The ancient Persians developed a form of execution called scaphism.
The victim would be taken down to the edge of a lake,
tied between two boats and covered in milk and honey.
This soon attracted all manner of insects that would bite,
feed on the body,
lay their eggs under the skin,
which in turn attracted rats and other vermin
until you were literally...
..eaten alive.
It's said the Persian soldier Mithridates
managed to last 17 days.
No.
No, Joe, please...
Please...don't...don't do this.
Mollie!
Mollie! Oh, I sacked her, just as you suggested.
She's gone back to Glasgow to lick her wounds, so to speak.
She won't be back for...ages.
Joe...
Please listen.
I know...what I did was wrong,
but you...you can't do this to me.
INSECTS BUZZING You can't.
HE SOBS You can't.
Aww, Chas...
I've already done it.
You're just in denial.
Goodnight.
INSECTS BUZZING
FOOTSTEPS RECEDE
I'm sorry!
SWARM OF INSECTS BUZZING
Oh, God...
HE WHIMPERS
Joe!
Joe! Please!
I'm sorry!
Joe!
I hope you're hungry! Joe!
You're gonna have to keep your strength up.
Do you still want yours heated up?
INSECTS BUZZING
CHAS SOBS
I think I'm gonna have mine cold.
Joe!
CHAS SCREAMS
# She's my blue jeans baby
# She's my blue jeans baby, baby
# Blue jeans baby
# Ripped knee lady
# Driving me crazy
# She's my blue jeans baby
# She's my blue jeans baby, baby
# She's my blue jeans baby
# She's my blue jeans baby, baby. #