Hey, I can't go to the bistro
with you guys today.
"Oh, why is that, Wendy?"
Well, I'll tell you.
I'm scrubbing in on a transplant.
This woman's getting a new heart on Valentine's Day.
How beautiful is that?
What I'm hearing is "no date."
I was gonna say the same thing,
but I was lifting this chair.
I don't have a date either, and I'm fine with it.
Good for you.
Really? You believed me?
I have my first date with Andy.
Oh, you're going out with the cop? That's great.
Kind of hoping he picks me up in the police car.
Never sat in the front before.
Marjorie.
Are you gonna be okay tonight?
Why wouldn't I be okay?
Well, it's your first Valentine's Day
since... you know.
Victor died.
I was trying to be sensitive.
Oh, my bad... I thought you forgot his name.
I actually have big plans.
I have a date with myself.
Hmm. How many times you have to ask
before you got a yes?
Actually, I'm going to order in
and watch Notting Hill because I've never seen it.
You've never seen Notting Hill?
It's like the best movie ever.
"I'm just a girl... "
BOTH: "Standing in front of a boy... "
TAMMY, BONNIE AND CHRISTY: "Asking him to love her."
I hope it's better when Julia Roberts says it.
So, Tammy, do you have a date with Yuri?
Valentine's is a big night for Uber drivers,
so he's invited me to ride shotgun.
I'm gonna work the GPS, hand out some candies,
and probably clean up some puke.
Aw, I wish I was cleaning up puke with a fella.
Why don't you and I do something?
Maybe grab dinner.
Adam's got to work anyway.
A Valentine's dinner with my mother.
Is this the saddest moment of my life?
- No. - No way. - Not even close.
♪♪
This place is beautiful.
Thank you for forcing me to shower.
Now I wish I had.
To us.
- Happy Valentine's Day. - Mm.
Complimentary crab cake for the lovely couple.
- Oh, she's my... - Soul mate.
(CHUCKLES)
What we won't do for free food. (CHUCKLES)
Hey, I'm just happy he thought I could
land someone half my age.
You realize you just made yourself 80.
Or did I make you 20?
Yeah, let's go with that.
These are so much better than the ones
we serve at the restaurant.
But maybe that's because I'm not racing a busboy
to dig it out of the trash. (SCOFFS)
The best crab cake I ever had
was when I lived in Madagascar.
When did you live in Madagascar?
When I was in the Peace Corps.
You were in the Peace Corps? Mm-hmm.
It was a good way to cross
international borders without a lot of questions,
and a couple of villages got water, so...
Wow. I can't believe there's something
about you I don't know.
Oh, honey, there's lots of things.
Did you know there's a shotgun pellet
in my left ass cheek?
You're kidding. It was a ricochet.
I wasn't the intended target.
(CHUCKLES)
(CONTENTED SIGH)
This is fun, we should do this more often.
I'll have a Diet Coke, two limes.
One squeezed, one not.
Beer, no fruit.
We have a wide selection of craft beers
and microbrews. Oh. (BABBLES)
You know what? I'll just take anything
that comes from a failing steel town.
You sure it doesn't bother you that I'm having a drink?
Oh, hell no.
Especially not that crappy beer you ordered.
Oh.
Okay, two limes.
If you were still drinking, what would you have ordered?
Well, in a place like this, I'd have gone
with a vodka martini straight up with a twist,
six olives on the side.
On the side?
Well, I didn't want to waste the room in the glass,
and the olives were my dinner.
That-that would fill you up?
Well, when you have six martinis,
that's 36 olives.
You know, it's-it's, uh, it's weird.
I-I can't picture you not having it all together.
Oh, I have pictures.
But that's third date material.
Wow.
We're already talking about a third date.
(CHUCKLES) Let me ask you something.
Do you own bowling shoes?
No, but you just gave me a reason to shop.
Okay, Jenny. You and Todd
make some memories tonight.
And stay out of prison.
Moment of truth.
- (PHONE CHIMES) - How'd we do?
- Five stars and maximum tip. - Oh!
I feel like one of those stars is mine.
Oh, is true. Your banter was sparkling.
Oh!
(EXHALES)
- I'm glad you're here. - Me, too.
You're sure you're okay not going
- to some fancy dinner tonight? - Hell yeah.
Riding around with a cool guy
in a car that isn't stolen?
(INHALES) This is the most
romantic night of my life.
It gets better.
Check under your seat.
A Burger King wrapper?
Keep looking.
- Ow. - That's it.
Yuri.
No one's ever given me a rose before.
Get used to it.
Mmm.
(SIGHS)
Okay, Hugh Grant.
Do your thing.
(PHONE RINGING)
(SIGHS)
Hey, Tammy.
- I am freaking out. - What's wrong?
I think Yuri wants to have sex with me tonight.
I haven't dated in a long time.
Remind me, why is that bad?
Because I've been in prison for seven years
and so has my... you know.
Well, what are you afraid of?
Everything.
I'm afraid we do it and then he dumps me,
or we do it and it's terrible,
or it's amazing and then we fall in love
and then he dies.
It happens.
It happened to you.
Yes, I remember.
It's okay, sweetie.
If you're not ready, just tell him.
Wow, you say stuff that's so obvious,
but it always makes me feel better.
Ooh, I got to go.
Here he comes with the tacos.
Wait, it's just a guy who really looks like him.
(GASPS) Oh, no, it's him. Bye.
(SIGHS)
(PHONE RINGING)
(SIGHS HEAVILY)
Hey, Wendy. What's going on?
I'm about to go into surgery and I just want
to call and say hi so you don't get lonely.
Oh, thank you, I'm good.
- Happy operating. - Oh, I don't operate.
I just hand stuff to the person who does.
Well, happy handing.
Now it sounds like you're minimizing.
Goodbye, Wendy.
(SIGHS)
You take the next call.
Oh.
LOOK AT THAT: the couple that got engaged
just got a free chocolate soufflé.
Hey, after dinner, get on your knee and ask me to marry you.
No, you've already been proposed to.
You propose to me.
Fine, but you better say yes.
We'll see.
You know what?
I would love to pretend to get engaged.
Because I know it's never gonna actually happen.
Oh, come on.
I'm fine with it.
I have an amazing group of friends,
I'm gonna have a kick-ass career.
And between us,
sex with myself has never been better.
So you're just giving up on love?
Well, if I'm being honest,
I don't know if I've ever been in love.
That makes me sad.
(LAUGHING): Good.
'Cause it's kind of your fault.
My fault? What's that supposed to mean?
Nothing.
I was kidding.
Tell me more about the Peace Corps.
No, I'm not rewarding you
with fascinating stories about the Orient.
Please.
You know, I thought we were past
you blaming me for everything.
That's why it's something we can joke about.
(CHUCKLES)
Jokey-joke-joke.
Every joke has a kernel of truth.
Not this one.
It's just funny. (LAUGHS)
Ha-ha,
hee-hee, hoo-hoo.
ANDY: Okay.
The hostess swears we're "totally" next
and she's "totally" sorry, but between you and me,
I don't "totally" believe her.
(LAUGHS)
Oh, it's fine.
I'm actually having fun waiting with you.
Same here.
- (CHUCKLES) - (GASPS)
(SINGSONGY): Jill Kendall.
(SINGSONGY): Vivian Prescott.
How. Are. You?
Ne-ver be-tter.
(CHUCKLES)
What. Is. Happening?
Oh. Andy, this is my friend Vivian from the club.
Vivian, this is Andy.
- Oh, nice to meet you. - Hi.
The only club I belong to is Costco.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Eh, eh? All right.
Uh, you know what? I'm gonna go flash my badge
- and get us our table. - Okay.
So he's a cop?
Yeah, my house got broken into,
so I hired him for private security.
Oh.
(LAUGHING): Okay, that makes much more sense.
- What's so funny? - Well, for a second, I thought
you guys were on a date.
(LAUGHS): Oh, God, no.
So, uh, lunch?
Let's do.
Hey!
- "Oh, God, no"? - What?
No, it's just, I... you know, I heard what you said
to your friend "Oh, God, no."
I am so sorry.
That came out wrong. I didn't mean it.
It's just, she's very judgy and gossipy and wouldn't understand.
Wouldn't understand what?
No, no, it's not that she wouldn't understand,
there's nothing to understand, it's just that...
(CLEARS THROAT) She's used to me being with a certain type.
All right, uh, well, um... how about this?
You... enjoy your Diet Coke,
and if your type comes along, tell him I said good luck.
Ma'am?
Your table's totally ready.
You know that chicken isn't me.
Are you sure?
It's small and skinny and a little bitter.
- Will you stop? - Me? You're the one
who ruined mother-daughter Valentine's Day.
- Come on. - What? I'm kidding. Jokey-joke-joke,
Ha-hee-ho-hoo.
Fine.
There was a kernel of truth.
I do think it's your fault I've never been in love.
I knew it. You're unbelievable.
I take you to a nice restaurant to cheer you up,
and you still find a way to make me the bad guy.
One nice dinner doesn't make up for a sucky childhood.
Look, even if I was a perfect parent...
- Ha! - I said "if."
Even then, it wouldn't have been enough for you,
because nothing's ever enough for you.
And if there's a reason you're gonna be alone forever,
that's it.
Wow.
I have two choices.
I can go smoke,
or I can stab you in the hand with this steak knife.
- (GRUNTS) - I knew you didn't have it in you.
Yuri, wait, I need to tell you something.
What?
I can't have sex with you tonight.
Okay.
And maybe tomorrow night.
Okay.
It might be a while, is what I'm trying to say.
No problem.
Wait, I'm telling you you can't have
any of this magic, and you're fine with it?
Hey, if waiting means spending more time with you,
talking and laughing and-and being happy, I'll wait forever.
I'm ready.
I'm not trying to talk you into it.
Well, you did, you magnificent man.
I haven't done this for seven years.
I hope your affairs are in order.
What's wrong with me?
I mean, I'm crazy about this guy, and the first chance I got,
I threw him under the bus.
Well, it sounds to me like you got scared.
Those women from the club
have been gossiping about me for years.
Especially Vivian.
Now I'm finally at a place where they've stopped whispering
and started saying "Let's do lunch."
I mean,
we never go, but they say it.
So I panicked.
I thought if I admitted I was on a date
with Andy the beer-drinking cop, the gossip would start
and I'd lose 'em again.
Yeah, you wouldn't want to lose the people
you don't go to lunch with.
I'm a terrible, shallow person.
Yes. (CHUCKLES)
But you're less terrible and shallow than you used to be.
You know, it's weird.
The things you say are so obvious,
but they do make me feel better.
- I got to go. - Oh, if you must.
(PHONE RINGING)
- I'll get it. - Let it go to voice...
Hey, Bonnie. It's Bonnie.
(GROANS)
I know, I feel that way when she calls me, too.
Look, I'm sorry to chew your ear off, but she's impossible.
I offer to spend Valentine's Day with her,
and she still picks a fight.
Well, you did tell her she was gonna die alone,
and as a person you've said that to, it does hurt.
Bunch of snowflakes I hang out with.
- Is she finished? - Oh, uh, hang on.
Listen, Bonnie,
you two have a pattern.
It only takes one of you to break it,
and I think it's got to be you.
Dumb. Go on.
Hey, you called me.
So I'm not supposed to defend myself
every time she blames me
for everything that's wrong in her life?
Well, it's what you always do and it never works,
so why not try something different?
Name one thing I could possibly do.
You could just listen
and try to understand where she's coming from.
Nah. What else you got?
You let him take my plate?
He didn't even ask.
Goodbye, Adam, I love you.
So this was a disaster. Let's go home.
Not yet. Sit down.
(SIGHS)
First, let me say I'm sorry
for that mean thing I said about you ending up alone.
It's not personal.
I've said it to Marjorie, Wendy...
On her birthday. I remember.
Anyway, you and I started to have a conversation,
and I think we should finish it.
You were saying it's my fault you're single,
and I want to listen to more of that, please.
Really?
Yeah, I want to know why you feel that way.
It goes back to when I was a kid.
You brought boyfriends home that I thought
were gonna be in our lives forever but they never were.
That is not...
Please continue.
Watching that kind of taught me men don't stick around.
I didn't even know what a healthy relationship looked like.
How was I supposed to find one?
Wow. Okay.
This is weird.
Why aren't you fighting back?
Because everything you're saying is true.
That's never stopped you before.
Maybe I'm trying something different.
Okay.
Look, I get why relationships are hard for you.
I was a terrible role model.
Well, in your defense,
you were a big old drunk at the time.
That is not an excuse.
But you were a single mom and I was a handful.
Adorable but a handful.
Considering what I put you through, you were an angel.
You know, until fifth grade,
when you started hitting the liquor cabinet.
Mom, there was no cabinet.
There was the floor next to your bed,
the oven, and the shower caddy.
That you're functional in the world is amazing.
Don't be so hard on yourself.
I'm the one who's always bringing up the past
and throwing it in your face.
Yeah, but I did all those things.
A long time ago.
I need to get over it already.
Well, how about you stop beating up on yourself
about not being in a relationship?
You will be.
You are one of the most incredible people I know.
I love you.
I love you, too.
Do you want to stay for dessert?
I do.
Bonnie Plunkett, will you marry me?
- Yes! - She said yes!
She said yes!
- (APPLAUSE) - Hey.
Free chocolate soufflé over here, two spoons.
Hey.
Hello.
I know you're mad at me.
You should go into police work.
Andy, I screwed up big-time and I am so, so sorry.
The thing you got to know about me is I'm not a great person,
but I used to be worse, which means I'm getting better.
And I haven't liked anybody as much as I like you
in a very long time.
So if you just give me another chance,
I promise I will do everything I can not to mess it up.
Look... believe it or not,
um, I think I'm a great catch,
and, uh...
I just want to be with someone who feels the same way...
no matter who's looking.
Good night.
I know you said you were okay by yourself,
but I say that all the time and I never mean it.
Come on in.
BOTH: Hi, Wendy.
Hey, guys.
We're not allowed to talk until she finishes her movie.
WOMAN ON TV: ...four TRSs
and tell them we need radar feedback
before the KFTs return at 1900.
Then inform the Pentagon we'll need Blackstar cover from...
(WHISPERING): Is she okay?
(WHISPERING): She and Andy broke up.
JILL (CRYING): I...
I ruined everything.
What? They were talking, too.
How was the surgery?
I sneezed and got kicked out.
I don't even know if she made it.
Sorry.
How was your dinner?
(WHISPERING): Christy and I got engaged.
(PHONE CHIMES)
(GASPS) The heart is beating.
- That's great. - Yay.
Come on, guys, it's almost finished.
You're right, don't worry about us.
- I had sex! - Oh my god!
Forget it.
- Tell us everything. - Details, details.
I'm so happy for you.
How was it?
It was like our souls touched. I kicked out a window.
You don't have to worry about me, Victor.
(EXCITED CHATTER)
I'll never be alone.
Did you know that "nipple" in Russian is "neeple"?