1
00:00:01,305 --> 00:00:04,829
- Previously on Mom...
- You slept with Adam?

2
00:00:04,881 --> 00:00:06,748
We only did it, like...

3
00:00:06,893 --> 00:00:08,495
20 times.

4
00:00:08,550 --> 00:00:10,883
You never told me you
slept with this monkey.

5
00:00:10,969 --> 00:00:12,435
You porked my wife?!

6
00:00:12,520 --> 00:00:14,887
- I wouldn't use that word.
- I would.

7
00:00:14,973 --> 00:00:17,106
- You grabbed her ass?
- With both hands.

8
00:00:17,645 --> 00:00:19,728
You did "bad hand" on my woman?

9
00:00:20,408 --> 00:00:22,549
I have a drinking problem.

10
00:00:23,057 --> 00:00:24,390
Come here, brother.

11
00:00:24,515 --> 00:00:25,898
Oh, thanks.

12
00:00:25,933 --> 00:00:28,015
Man, you know, I-I was just kidding.

13
00:00:28,040 --> 00:00:29,973
(grunts)

14
00:00:32,773 --> 00:00:35,875
You've been reading
Cosmopolitan again, haven't you?

15
00:00:36,140 --> 00:00:38,570
Don't know why every man doesn't.

16
00:00:39,157 --> 00:00:41,591
- I love you.
- I love you, too.

17
00:00:41,616 --> 00:00:43,773
My friend Mitch is coming to town.

18
00:00:45,210 --> 00:00:47,203
- What?
- I said I love you.

19
00:00:47,531 --> 00:00:49,998
Drunk Hollywood douchebag Mitch?

20
00:00:50,023 --> 00:00:52,591
I know the last time he was
here things got a little bumpy...

21
00:00:52,616 --> 00:00:55,281
A little bumpy? He hit
on me and my daughter.

22
00:00:55,306 --> 00:00:57,940
He peed in three places
that weren't the bathroom.

23
00:00:57,965 --> 00:01:00,216
One of them was our good salad bowl.

24
00:01:00,301 --> 00:01:01,767
But he's not the same guy anymore.

25
00:01:01,803 --> 00:01:03,269
He sobered up, he divorced Leanne,

26
00:01:03,294 --> 00:01:04,864
he's on a whole different path,

27
00:01:04,889 --> 00:01:06,772
and he just wants some bro time.

28
00:01:06,868 --> 00:01:08,701
If you ever want to
have sex with me again,

29
00:01:08,726 --> 00:01:09,859
don't say "bro time."

30
00:01:11,058 --> 00:01:14,257
Fine. You see him. Just
keep him away from me.

31
00:01:14,976 --> 00:01:16,626
- Actually...
- (groans)

32
00:01:17,205 --> 00:01:19,632
He just wants to apologize
to you and Christy.

33
00:01:21,468 --> 00:01:22,965
You son of a bitch.

34
00:01:22,990 --> 00:01:25,207
- What?
- You waited to tell me this

35
00:01:25,293 --> 00:01:27,293
till after I had a decent orgasm.

36
00:01:27,999 --> 00:01:31,193
Decent? You practically levitated.

37
00:01:31,218 --> 00:01:33,999
Fine, it was a cascading
series of body tremors.

38
00:01:34,145 --> 00:01:37,730
Just like the article
promised! So, what do you say?

39
00:01:37,755 --> 00:01:41,090
Oh, no, this is way too big a
favor for just one go-around.

40
00:01:41,115 --> 00:01:42,365
(laughs)

41
00:01:42,827 --> 00:01:45,154
- You're kidding, right?
- Nope.

42
00:01:45,608 --> 00:01:47,658
Seriously, why am I still
looking at your face?

43
00:01:50,094 --> 00:01:52,531
♪♪

44
00:02:10,910 --> 00:02:13,589
I can't believe you're letting
that animal back into our lives.

45
00:02:13,614 --> 00:02:15,664
Well, at least it's only
one animal this time.

46
00:02:15,749 --> 00:02:16,982
Leanne's out of the picture.

47
00:02:17,050 --> 00:02:18,984
I'm still kind of
shocked they got divorced.

48
00:02:19,009 --> 00:02:21,063
Really? I'm shocked
that marriage didn't end

49
00:02:21,088 --> 00:02:22,621
in a murder-suicide.

50
00:02:22,766 --> 00:02:24,683
Yeah, but they're kind
of made for each other.

51
00:02:25,067 --> 00:02:27,676
Like water parks and diarrhea.

52
00:02:27,821 --> 00:02:29,688
- (door opens)
- ADAM: Hey, we're here.

53
00:02:29,713 --> 00:02:30,917
Ugh, I can't do this.

54
00:02:30,942 --> 00:02:32,608
I promised Adam five minutes,

55
00:02:32,633 --> 00:02:34,132
and then we can head to the meeting.

56
00:02:34,157 --> 00:02:36,223
I got to stop wearing
stuff with handles.

57
00:02:38,166 --> 00:02:40,082
Bonnie, Christy.

58
00:02:40,107 --> 00:02:42,023
(chuckles): You remember Mitch.

59
00:02:42,109 --> 00:02:43,225
BOTH: Hey.

60
00:02:43,895 --> 00:02:45,894
Hey. Thank you for seeing me.

61
00:02:45,979 --> 00:02:47,229
- Mm-hmm.
- Uh-huh.

62
00:02:47,314 --> 00:02:49,197
You might want to take
that as a win and leave.

63
00:02:49,283 --> 00:02:52,200
No. No, I got to do this.

64
00:02:53,965 --> 00:02:56,048
Christy, Bonnie...

65
00:02:56,073 --> 00:02:58,331
I owe you both an amends

66
00:02:58,356 --> 00:03:00,314
for the wreckage I
caused on my last visit.

67
00:03:01,614 --> 00:03:04,056
I hope that you can
give me another chance.

68
00:03:04,081 --> 00:03:05,630
(voice breaking): But if you can't...

69
00:03:06,056 --> 00:03:08,189
I totally understand.

70
00:03:09,347 --> 00:03:12,481
I cry so easily these days.

71
00:03:15,090 --> 00:03:16,235
What do you think?

72
00:03:16,934 --> 00:03:19,684
I think making an amends
like that is really painful.

73
00:03:20,856 --> 00:03:22,514
Keep going.

74
00:03:22,659 --> 00:03:24,910
I didn't understand...

75
00:03:24,995 --> 00:03:26,995
what an ass I was.

76
00:03:27,020 --> 00:03:29,688
Ooh, I like that. Delve into that.

77
00:03:29,833 --> 00:03:33,001
I actually thought my
behavior was charming.

78
00:03:33,411 --> 00:03:35,825
That's alcoholic thinking for you.

79
00:03:36,903 --> 00:03:38,663
Anyway, all I can do now

80
00:03:38,949 --> 00:03:41,653
is try to repair the damage.

81
00:03:43,262 --> 00:03:45,013
Damn it, that was really good.

82
00:03:45,764 --> 00:03:47,355
Hold on.

83
00:03:49,876 --> 00:03:52,027
Oh, crap. Real tears.

84
00:03:54,192 --> 00:03:55,274
BOTH: Forgiven.

85
00:03:56,070 --> 00:03:58,864
ADAM: So, are we all Kumbaya here?

86
00:03:59,731 --> 00:04:01,553
'Cause I'm gonna show Mitch the bar

87
00:04:01,578 --> 00:04:03,198
while you two go to your meeting.

88
00:04:03,223 --> 00:04:05,190
Actually, buddy, I'm-I'm
feeling a little fragile.

89
00:04:05,215 --> 00:04:07,465
I could really use a meeting right now.

90
00:04:08,536 --> 00:04:12,113
- Do you mind if I tag along?
- Well?

91
00:04:12,692 --> 00:04:14,733
We're not really allowed to say no.

92
00:04:15,301 --> 00:04:17,402
Stupid program.

93
00:04:18,403 --> 00:04:19,348
Come on.

94
00:04:19,373 --> 00:04:22,908
Whoa. Whoa, whoa,
whoa, you just got here.

95
00:04:23,053 --> 00:04:24,803
What happened to bro time?

96
00:04:24,828 --> 00:04:27,286
Hey, what'd I say about that?

97
00:04:28,225 --> 00:04:30,809
So, I'm directing this
movie in Dubrovnik,

98
00:04:30,834 --> 00:04:33,168
and everybody's looking
at me to steer the ship

99
00:04:33,193 --> 00:04:36,106
'cause, you know, I'm the director.

100
00:04:37,301 --> 00:04:40,352
And all I can think is, "I'm a fraud."

101
00:04:41,488 --> 00:04:43,655
"I'm a drunk. I'm a liar."

102
00:04:44,559 --> 00:04:45,647
You're safe here.

103
00:04:46,599 --> 00:04:48,137
I feel that.

104
00:04:49,247 --> 00:04:51,436
So, I start saying the prayer

105
00:04:51,461 --> 00:04:55,167
in my head, and... I'll be darned

106
00:04:55,192 --> 00:04:58,326
if God didn't grant me the
serenity to call "action"

107
00:04:59,028 --> 00:05:01,006
and send the Harley off the cliff,

108
00:05:01,031 --> 00:05:03,081
through the helicopter
door, out the other side,

109
00:05:03,116 --> 00:05:04,699
where it hit a second helicopter,

110
00:05:04,724 --> 00:05:08,013
exploded, ball of fire, dead bad guy,

111
00:05:08,038 --> 00:05:10,872
that's a wrap and a
Golden Globe nomination.

112
00:05:11,473 --> 00:05:12,434
Golden Globe?

113
00:05:12,459 --> 00:05:16,104
Well, if you believe the buzz. Anyway,

114
00:05:16,129 --> 00:05:19,097
I'm just another drunk
trying to get through the day.

115
00:05:19,418 --> 00:05:22,744
Well, a drunk who's
a Hollywood director.

116
00:05:23,808 --> 00:05:27,254
Wow, lunch goes faster when
someone else does the talking.

117
00:05:29,643 --> 00:05:32,784
I don't know how you handle
the pressure of making a movie.

118
00:05:32,809 --> 00:05:35,040
I can barely deal with work and school.

119
00:05:35,065 --> 00:05:38,116
If they ever stopped making
Red Bull, I'd be screwed.

120
00:05:38,212 --> 00:05:41,380
I actually won three
Red Bull Stunt Awards.

121
00:05:41,405 --> 00:05:43,955
But have you ever considered meditating?

122
00:05:45,434 --> 00:05:46,134
I tried,

123
00:05:46,159 --> 00:05:49,497
but apparently my ind craves anxiety.

124
00:05:50,058 --> 00:05:51,223
Well, it changed my life.

125
00:05:51,248 --> 00:05:52,568
It made me a much better director.

126
00:05:53,106 --> 00:05:54,476
That's four.

127
00:05:55,645 --> 00:05:58,136
Ladies, I just... I want to thank you

128
00:05:58,231 --> 00:05:59,781
for letting me into the red tent.

129
00:05:59,806 --> 00:06:04,259
I-I've just been so raw
since Leanne and I split up.

130
00:06:04,606 --> 00:06:06,321
Yeah, now, what happened there?

131
00:06:07,137 --> 00:06:10,872
Well, I got sober,
and she couldn't do it.

132
00:06:10,897 --> 00:06:13,615
I love her, but I had to let her go.

133
00:06:14,855 --> 00:06:18,395
Yeah, the road gets narrower,
but our life gets better.

134
00:06:20,317 --> 00:06:22,106
Thank you for that.

135
00:06:23,246 --> 00:06:25,059
We're all here for you.

136
00:06:28,618 --> 00:06:29,618
Oh. No, no,

137
00:06:29,643 --> 00:06:33,148
no, ladies, this one is on me.

138
00:06:33,183 --> 00:06:35,684
Finally. I've been
waiting for four years

139
00:06:35,709 --> 00:06:37,125
for somebody else to pick up...

140
00:06:37,707 --> 00:06:39,844
Hold the phone, is that a black card?

141
00:06:39,891 --> 00:06:41,857
- This? Oh, yeah.
- BONNIE: Is it true

142
00:06:41,882 --> 00:06:43,159
you can buy a Ferrari with that?

143
00:06:43,183 --> 00:06:45,100
It's almost rude if you don't.

144
00:06:49,199 --> 00:06:51,366
- Whoa.
- Right?

145
00:06:51,543 --> 00:06:53,191
You should shoot a movie here.

146
00:06:53,226 --> 00:06:55,809
I could be in it. You know, I sing.

147
00:06:57,247 --> 00:07:00,307
I'm panning, and I'm loving.

148
00:07:00,332 --> 00:07:03,068
I'm panning, and I'm loving.

149
00:07:03,093 --> 00:07:04,142
Ooh.

150
00:07:04,582 --> 00:07:06,905
Recast that guy.

151
00:07:07,066 --> 00:07:09,401
- Come on, you like?
- It's fantastic.

152
00:07:09,426 --> 00:07:12,504
Where was this place when
my blood type was bourbon?

153
00:07:12,700 --> 00:07:15,268
I know. I would've been totally
sleeping with the bartender.

154
00:07:15,293 --> 00:07:16,675
Oh, wait, I am.

155
00:07:18,786 --> 00:07:20,418
So, how's business been?

156
00:07:20,801 --> 00:07:22,531
Let's just say that there
are three people in here,

157
00:07:22,556 --> 00:07:24,472
- and I'm excited.
- I don't get it.

158
00:07:24,497 --> 00:07:26,201
This place should be crushing it.

159
00:07:26,590 --> 00:07:28,817
It's got charm, character,

160
00:07:28,842 --> 00:07:31,567
an owner you feel a
little bit sorry for.

161
00:07:33,247 --> 00:07:36,307
I know. I keep telling
him, work the chair.

162
00:07:36,332 --> 00:07:37,412
You guys done?

163
00:07:37,437 --> 00:07:41,239
Never. Honestly, man, I love
it. I love it. It's great.

164
00:07:41,274 --> 00:07:43,401
Thanks. As soon as we
start turning a profit,

165
00:07:43,426 --> 00:07:44,586
I got big plans.

166
00:07:44,611 --> 00:07:46,089
I want to hear them, but right now I got

167
00:07:46,113 --> 00:07:47,829
about a gallon of iced tea in me.

168
00:07:47,965 --> 00:07:49,925
Right that way. It's the
door that says "hombres."

169
00:07:49,950 --> 00:07:52,700
- Cool.
- Still not sure I should've done that.

170
00:07:55,082 --> 00:07:56,921
So, you two seem to be getting along.

171
00:07:56,957 --> 00:07:59,674
Well, yeah, he's sober now,
he kept his hands to himself,

172
00:07:59,699 --> 00:08:01,926
and he paid for lunch with a black card.

173
00:08:02,763 --> 00:08:04,247
A black card.

174
00:08:05,575 --> 00:08:07,382
He does love waving that thing around.

175
00:08:07,466 --> 00:08:08,777
Well, maybe he could wave it at us

176
00:08:08,802 --> 00:08:10,135
and make our problems disappear.

177
00:08:10,281 --> 00:08:11,780
Seriously, if we want

178
00:08:11,805 --> 00:08:13,032
to take this bar to the next level,

179
00:08:13,056 --> 00:08:14,222
we need an investor.

180
00:08:14,307 --> 00:08:15,690
I don't know. Friends and business?

181
00:08:15,776 --> 00:08:17,942
That's as bad as having
"hombres" on the door.

182
00:08:17,978 --> 00:08:20,528
Oh, come on. He lives in L.A.,
so we'd never hear from him.

183
00:08:20,553 --> 00:08:21,957
He'd just send us money.

184
00:08:21,982 --> 00:08:24,232
It's the exact opposite
of having a child.

185
00:08:24,926 --> 00:08:25,877
MITCH: Hey.

186
00:08:25,902 --> 00:08:28,736
You ever think of putting
TVs above the urinals?

187
00:08:28,822 --> 00:08:31,932
I have a buddy who produces
60-second TED Talks.

188
00:08:31,957 --> 00:08:33,682
Perfect for the average whiz.

189
00:08:33,707 --> 00:08:37,078
You go in with a full bladder,
you leave with a full mind.

190
00:08:37,209 --> 00:08:39,841
Look at that, Mitch
has ideas for the bar.

191
00:08:39,866 --> 00:08:42,500
If only we had money to implement them.

192
00:08:42,545 --> 00:08:45,470
- Bonnie.
- Are you looking for investors?

193
00:08:45,522 --> 00:08:47,154
I would never put you
in that position, buddy.

194
00:08:47,206 --> 00:08:48,956
What if I want to be in that position?

195
00:08:48,981 --> 00:08:50,531
Yeah, what if he wants to?

196
00:08:51,928 --> 00:08:53,493
Are you sure about this, Mitch?

197
00:08:53,518 --> 00:08:55,685
100%. It's part of the program.

198
00:08:55,710 --> 00:08:57,844
The program says that you
should invest in a bar?

199
00:08:57,869 --> 00:08:59,585
No, it says be of service,

200
00:08:59,610 --> 00:09:01,610
help others, get out of self.

201
00:09:01,856 --> 00:09:04,440
I'm your best friend, man.

202
00:09:04,690 --> 00:09:06,868
Let me take this ride with you.

203
00:09:08,620 --> 00:09:10,886
Damn it, Mitch. Thank you.

204
00:09:10,911 --> 00:09:13,828
Well, I'm gonna let you
two have some bro time.

205
00:09:13,853 --> 00:09:15,807
That's right. That's back in.

206
00:09:16,542 --> 00:09:19,186
I'm gonna go work on my mini TED talk.

207
00:09:19,211 --> 00:09:21,323
Topic: people who dress up
in spandex to ride their bike.

208
00:09:21,348 --> 00:09:22,731
Why can't I run them over?

209
00:09:24,254 --> 00:09:25,893
This is incredible!

210
00:09:25,918 --> 00:09:27,646
We're actually getting
to work together again.

211
00:09:27,671 --> 00:09:29,420
- The boys are back!
- Yeah!

212
00:09:29,445 --> 00:09:31,050
You cool if I have a beer to celebrate?

213
00:09:31,075 --> 00:09:33,275
- I would be pissed if you didn't.
- I got to hand it to you,

214
00:09:33,300 --> 00:09:36,051
you figuring out a way to get
Bonnie to not be mad at you...

215
00:09:36,076 --> 00:09:37,995
You do a TED Talk on that, let me know.

216
00:09:38,020 --> 00:09:40,554
It's the magic of
being on the same path.

217
00:09:40,579 --> 00:09:41,961
(grunts)

218
00:09:42,177 --> 00:09:43,476
You're smoking weed?

219
00:09:43,501 --> 00:09:44,834
I thought you were sober.

220
00:09:44,859 --> 00:09:46,112
I am.

221
00:09:48,968 --> 00:09:50,925
California sober.

222
00:09:51,944 --> 00:09:53,160
That's a thing?

223
00:09:53,185 --> 00:09:54,651
It's totally a thing.

224
00:09:54,676 --> 00:09:56,307
I d... I don't... I don't drink at all.

225
00:09:56,332 --> 00:09:58,215
But how can you be
sober if you're smoking?

226
00:09:58,240 --> 00:10:01,024
So, uh, 20 grand enough
to get things rolling?

227
00:10:01,049 --> 00:10:02,432
Let me get you an ashtray.

228
00:10:06,948 --> 00:10:08,864
CHRISTY: <i>All right. Here we go.</i>

229
00:10:08,889 --> 00:10:10,638
<i>Quiet the mind.</i>

230
00:10:10,663 --> 00:10:12,246
<i>Yepper-Dee-doo.</i>

231
00:10:12,271 --> 00:10:13,353
<i>Why did I say that?</i>

232
00:10:13,378 --> 00:10:15,128
<i>That's not a quiet mind.</i>

233
00:10:15,400 --> 00:10:18,112
<i>(sighs) Okay, here we go.</i>

234
00:10:18,965 --> 00:10:22,159
<i>Ooh, can't forget that eye
appointment on Thursday.</i>

235
00:10:22,261 --> 00:10:24,812
<i>(groans) Stop it.</i>

236
00:10:27,306 --> 00:10:29,807
<i>♪ I come from a land down under ♪</i>

237
00:10:29,832 --> 00:10:32,466
<i>Where the hell did that come from?</i>

238
00:10:32,491 --> 00:10:34,657
<i>My knees hurt when I sit like this.</i>

239
00:10:34,682 --> 00:10:36,432
<i>That's probably cancer.</i>

240
00:10:36,457 --> 00:10:38,207
<i>Can you get knee cancer?</i>

241
00:10:38,232 --> 00:10:39,732
MAN: <i>Christy Plunkett,</i>

242
00:10:39,757 --> 00:10:41,924
<i>you are terrible at this.</i>

243
00:10:42,098 --> 00:10:44,432
CHRISTY: <i>That was my seventh
grade science teacher.</i>

244
00:10:44,457 --> 00:10:45,873
<i>What's he doing in here?</i>

245
00:10:46,027 --> 00:10:47,576
MAN: <i>Oh, I never left.</i>

246
00:10:48,582 --> 00:10:49,498
Great.

247
00:10:49,817 --> 00:10:50,983
I'm mentally ill,

248
00:10:51,029 --> 00:10:52,315
and I have knee cancer.

249
00:10:54,525 --> 00:10:55,941
Hey, check it out.

250
00:10:55,966 --> 00:10:57,716
I ordered a new sign,
and the guy mocked up

251
00:10:57,749 --> 00:10:59,310
what it's gonna look
like on the building.

252
00:10:59,335 --> 00:11:00,635
Ooh, a neon barrel.

253
00:11:00,660 --> 00:11:02,043
That'll really draw a crowd.

254
00:11:02,068 --> 00:11:03,295
Yeah, and look at the negative space.

255
00:11:03,320 --> 00:11:04,353
It's my initials.

256
00:11:04,408 --> 00:11:05,791
I'm not getting that.

257
00:11:05,938 --> 00:11:07,188
What do you mean? "A" for Adam,

258
00:11:07,213 --> 00:11:08,546
"J" for Janikowski.

259
00:11:08,571 --> 00:11:09,495
I see a penis.

260
00:11:09,520 --> 00:11:11,654
What? What? No, it's clearly "A.J."

261
00:11:11,819 --> 00:11:13,402
Well, either way, it'll draw a crowd.

262
00:11:13,574 --> 00:11:15,659
Maybe two slightly different crowds.

263
00:11:17,023 --> 00:11:18,823
It's fun spending
Mitch's money, isn't it?

264
00:11:18,848 --> 00:11:21,722
You want fun? Wait'll I put
in those foam-less beer taps.

265
00:11:21,747 --> 00:11:23,413
Ooh. And a new ice maker.

266
00:11:23,438 --> 00:11:24,409
Yeah, and two more PayPoint systems.

267
00:11:24,434 --> 00:11:25,712
Yeah, and that necklace
we saw at the mall.

268
00:11:25,737 --> 00:11:27,046
Yeah... W-Wait, what?

269
00:11:27,266 --> 00:11:30,100
Come on, you got a neon penis.

270
00:11:30,125 --> 00:11:32,508
It's Mitch's money. But
as soon as we get our own,

271
00:11:32,551 --> 00:11:36,057
you can get a much smaller
version of that same necklace.

272
00:11:36,875 --> 00:11:38,374
It's crazy.

273
00:11:38,709 --> 00:11:40,208
Last time he was here,

274
00:11:40,233 --> 00:11:42,149
he was so loaded, he couldn't stand up.

275
00:11:42,174 --> 00:11:44,257
- Now he's a new man.
- Mm-hmm.

276
00:11:44,282 --> 00:11:46,626
Getting clean gave me
a second chance in life,

277
00:11:46,651 --> 00:11:48,151
it's giving him a second chance,

278
00:11:48,176 --> 00:11:50,176
and now it's giving
your bar a second chance.

279
00:11:50,201 --> 00:11:53,035
That is the power of sobriety.

280
00:11:54,330 --> 00:11:55,948
Yay, sobriety.

281
00:12:02,231 --> 00:12:04,214
Adam's new sign went up today.

282
00:12:04,239 --> 00:12:05,322
What do you see?

283
00:12:05,407 --> 00:12:06,907
- Penis.
- Penis.

284
00:12:06,932 --> 00:12:07,932
A.J.

285
00:12:07,957 --> 00:12:09,506
Penis.

286
00:12:10,035 --> 00:12:12,104
We see what we want to see.

287
00:12:12,377 --> 00:12:14,794
I so want to see a penis.

288
00:12:14,819 --> 00:12:16,809
Not yours, Barry. Keep moving.

289
00:12:18,203 --> 00:12:19,953
I was hoping Mitch was coming.

290
00:12:19,978 --> 00:12:22,276
I wanted to tell him he
inspired me to try meditating

291
00:12:22,301 --> 00:12:23,767
and I'm a new woman.

292
00:12:23,792 --> 00:12:25,604
20 minutes in the morning,
20 minutes at night,

293
00:12:25,628 --> 00:12:28,178
and I haven't had to go
to the shooting range once.

294
00:12:28,324 --> 00:12:30,074
Wait, what?

295
00:12:30,099 --> 00:12:32,015
You're meditating and it's working?

296
00:12:32,040 --> 00:12:33,205
Yeah, easy-peasy.

297
00:12:33,230 --> 00:12:35,614
And you only hear your
own voice in your head?

298
00:12:35,639 --> 00:12:37,389
Well, who else's voice
would I be hearing?

299
00:12:37,414 --> 00:12:38,580
I don't know.

300
00:12:38,605 --> 00:12:41,239
Maybe your seventh grade
teacher you had a crush on

301
00:12:41,264 --> 00:12:43,075
until you saw him at the
grocery store with his wife

302
00:12:43,100 --> 00:12:44,816
and then you cried for three weeks.

303
00:12:44,926 --> 00:12:46,592
Mr. Borger?

304
00:12:46,617 --> 00:12:48,657
I slept with that guy. You
weren't missing anything.

305
00:12:50,653 --> 00:12:53,487
The trick to meditating
is to develop a routine.

306
00:12:53,512 --> 00:12:56,300
After a 45-minute massage,
some chamomile tea,

307
00:12:56,325 --> 00:12:57,824
and a long soak in the hot tub,

308
00:12:57,970 --> 00:12:59,386
I go to my meditation room,

309
00:12:59,411 --> 00:13:01,091
get on top of some of
my big floor pillows,

310
00:13:01,116 --> 00:13:02,770
and just doze off.

311
00:13:03,298 --> 00:13:04,548
That's not meditating.

312
00:13:04,573 --> 00:13:05,906
That's taking a nap.

313
00:13:06,001 --> 00:13:07,167
Oh, what do you know?

314
00:13:07,192 --> 00:13:08,442
You can't even do it.

315
00:13:11,707 --> 00:13:13,040
Look at this!

316
00:13:13,075 --> 00:13:14,374
It's packed!

317
00:13:14,410 --> 00:13:15,709
The new sign's working, babe.

318
00:13:15,744 --> 00:13:17,711
The giant penis in the sky!

319
00:13:17,746 --> 00:13:20,263
If you erect it, they will come!

320
00:13:21,399 --> 00:13:23,693
This is for my pappy!

321
00:13:25,243 --> 00:13:26,993
- What's going on?
- Uh-oh.

322
00:13:27,172 --> 00:13:29,806
We may not have gotten
along on this Earth,

323
00:13:29,831 --> 00:13:32,164
but we'll be drinking buddies in hell.

324
00:13:32,261 --> 00:13:34,895
- To Pappy!
- OTHERS: To Pappy!

325
00:13:34,930 --> 00:13:36,313
Oh, my God, he's loaded.

326
00:13:36,338 --> 00:13:37,588
He relapsed.

327
00:13:37,744 --> 00:13:39,410
This is all my fault.

328
00:13:39,435 --> 00:13:42,436
What was I thinking, asking
him to invest in a bar?

329
00:13:42,461 --> 00:13:43,877
Hey, look!

330
00:13:44,084 --> 00:13:46,000
There's my bar partner.

331
00:13:46,025 --> 00:13:47,357
My bartner!

332
00:13:47,503 --> 00:13:49,386
What the hell is going on, Mitch?

333
00:13:49,411 --> 00:13:52,079
Mm, I'm trying to hug
you, but it's-it's hard,

334
00:13:52,114 --> 00:13:53,413
'cause of the chair.

335
00:13:53,449 --> 00:13:54,698
How do you do it?

336
00:13:54,783 --> 00:13:56,033
Let's get you some coffee.

337
00:13:56,118 --> 00:13:57,618
Coffee? (groans)

338
00:13:58,271 --> 00:13:59,847
Innkeeper!

339
00:13:59,872 --> 00:14:02,123
Work your alchemy!

340
00:14:02,708 --> 00:14:04,875
I met these guys in the bar at my hotel.

341
00:14:04,900 --> 00:14:06,186
They all work in insurance.

342
00:14:06,211 --> 00:14:08,795
Can you imagine? Kill me now.

343
00:14:08,820 --> 00:14:10,870
What happened to California sober?

344
00:14:10,895 --> 00:14:11,895
"California sober"?

345
00:14:11,920 --> 00:14:13,243
You know, he gets
high but doesn't drink.

346
00:14:13,268 --> 00:14:14,551
That's not a thing.

347
00:14:14,576 --> 00:14:15,613
You told me it was a thing.

348
00:14:15,638 --> 00:14:17,304
You knew it wasn't a thing.

349
00:14:17,449 --> 00:14:18,949
W... Wait,

350
00:14:18,974 --> 00:14:21,475
you knew he was smoking
pot and you didn't tell me?

351
00:14:21,500 --> 00:14:22,953
Well, by that time, we were partners,

352
00:14:22,978 --> 00:14:25,228
and then I ordered my penis sign.

353
00:14:25,375 --> 00:14:28,677
This is for my old ma!

354
00:14:28,702 --> 00:14:30,618
May she rest in peace,

355
00:14:30,953 --> 00:14:32,619
whenever she dies.

356
00:14:32,665 --> 00:14:33,964
She's in a home.

357
00:14:33,989 --> 00:14:35,789
I can't go. It's too depressing.

358
00:14:35,885 --> 00:14:38,540
- To Ma!
- OTHERS: To Ma!

359
00:14:39,355 --> 00:14:41,105
CHRISTY: <i>Okay.</i>

360
00:14:41,130 --> 00:14:42,963
<i>Quiet the mind,</i>

361
00:14:42,998 --> 00:14:45,427
<i>quiet the mind.</i>

362
00:14:46,319 --> 00:14:48,236
<i>A peaceful lake.</i>

363
00:14:48,470 --> 00:14:50,971
<i>A gentle breeze.</i>

364
00:14:53,509 --> 00:14:55,308
<i>Is this it?</i>

365
00:14:55,476 --> 00:14:56,911
<i>Am I doing it?</i>

366
00:14:57,372 --> 00:15:00,290
<i>Look at me. I'm doing it.</i>

367
00:15:00,315 --> 00:15:02,482
<i>Suck it, Jill.</i>

368
00:15:02,518 --> 00:15:04,901
(rapid knocking)

369
00:15:04,926 --> 00:15:06,296
LEANNE: Mitch!

370
00:15:06,321 --> 00:15:07,654
Bonnie!

371
00:15:07,679 --> 00:15:09,466
Bonnie's daughter!

372
00:15:09,491 --> 00:15:11,408
(knocking continues)

373
00:15:11,493 --> 00:15:13,827
And I'm no longer doing it.

374
00:15:13,852 --> 00:15:15,402
Hello?!

375
00:15:15,669 --> 00:15:16,998
Coming!

376
00:15:19,034 --> 00:15:21,168
Bonnie's daughter!

377
00:15:21,412 --> 00:15:24,921
Oh! I've missed you so much!

378
00:15:24,946 --> 00:15:25,946
You have?

379
00:15:25,971 --> 00:15:27,434
(chuckles) Don't you remember?

380
00:15:27,459 --> 00:15:29,139
We were gonna stay in
touch and be friends.

381
00:15:29,164 --> 00:15:32,263
I texted you, like, a
million, jillion times.

382
00:15:32,326 --> 00:15:34,042
I never gave you my number.

383
00:15:34,203 --> 00:15:35,662
Oh.

384
00:15:36,719 --> 00:15:39,584
Must've been a different Teresa.

385
00:15:39,937 --> 00:15:41,437
How 'bout you let go of me now?

386
00:15:41,640 --> 00:15:43,056
Oh. Sorry.

387
00:15:43,142 --> 00:15:44,524
Sorry, Teresa.

388
00:15:44,571 --> 00:15:46,370
Oh!

389
00:15:46,395 --> 00:15:48,729
I got to be honest with you,

390
00:15:49,084 --> 00:15:51,412
I've had a few drinks.

391
00:15:52,201 --> 00:15:53,617
Yes, I know.

392
00:15:53,702 --> 00:15:56,536
I think I got drunk from our hug.

393
00:15:56,572 --> 00:16:00,323
Wouldn't it be great
if it worked that way?

394
00:16:00,974 --> 00:16:02,576
Anyway,

395
00:16:02,661 --> 00:16:05,318
thanks for coming over.

396
00:16:06,475 --> 00:16:08,225
You came over here.

397
00:16:08,250 --> 00:16:10,383
And please tell me you didn't drive.

398
00:16:10,479 --> 00:16:12,529
No, no, I boobered.

399
00:16:12,554 --> 00:16:15,593
That's when you get in a cab and
you show the driver your boobs

400
00:16:15,618 --> 00:16:18,035
instead of paying.

401
00:16:18,317 --> 00:16:20,233
Where's Mitch?!

402
00:16:21,563 --> 00:16:23,230
He owes me money!

403
00:16:23,545 --> 00:16:25,899
And why are you sleeping with him,

404
00:16:25,934 --> 00:16:27,484
you nasty skank?!

405
00:16:27,629 --> 00:16:29,379
Oh!

406
00:16:29,404 --> 00:16:30,771
How'd we get here?

407
00:16:30,796 --> 00:16:32,049
I told you!

408
00:16:32,074 --> 00:16:33,740
Boober!

409
00:16:35,504 --> 00:16:37,387
I'm s... I'm sorry.

410
00:16:37,412 --> 00:16:39,412
Sambuca makes me mean.

411
00:16:39,448 --> 00:16:41,107
You want some?

412
00:16:41,950 --> 00:16:43,083
Easy, easy.

413
00:16:43,118 --> 00:16:45,095
It's a $1,200 sweater.

414
00:16:45,771 --> 00:16:47,504
You were never sober, were you?

415
00:16:47,589 --> 00:16:48,505
Sure, I was.

416
00:16:48,530 --> 00:16:50,447
When I was nine.

417
00:16:50,592 --> 00:16:52,425
You went to a meeting with us!

418
00:16:52,461 --> 00:16:53,844
Why'd you lie?

419
00:16:53,929 --> 00:16:55,685
I want you to like me.

420
00:16:56,917 --> 00:16:58,365
Is it working?

421
00:17:00,302 --> 00:17:02,490
Hey!

422
00:17:02,515 --> 00:17:05,378
Stanley Tucci gave me this sweater!

423
00:17:05,474 --> 00:17:07,691
The Tooch!

424
00:17:07,776 --> 00:17:09,693
Larry said you didn't
charge any of those people

425
00:17:09,718 --> 00:17:11,255
for their drinks. What are you doing?

426
00:17:11,280 --> 00:17:12,863
Listen to me, listen to me.

427
00:17:12,948 --> 00:17:14,364
(sputters)

428
00:17:14,389 --> 00:17:16,306
Listen to me. (coughs)

429
00:17:16,346 --> 00:17:18,513
- We're listening!
- I have an idea.

430
00:17:18,654 --> 00:17:21,121
I was in a bar in Prague,

431
00:17:21,156 --> 00:17:23,707
and they had hookers.

432
00:17:23,732 --> 00:17:26,983
And people seemed to like it.

433
00:17:27,129 --> 00:17:30,046
- (patrons clamoring)
- (glass shatters)

434
00:17:30,132 --> 00:17:32,082
Oh, great. My first brawl.

435
00:17:33,335 --> 00:17:34,335
I'm just saying,

436
00:17:34,419 --> 00:17:36,553
no one fights in a hooker bar.

437
00:17:38,140 --> 00:17:40,757
Mitch, you miserable prick!

438
00:17:40,782 --> 00:17:42,331
You broke my heart!

439
00:17:42,356 --> 00:17:43,556
That's not Mitch!

440
00:17:43,581 --> 00:17:44,788
I'm not Mitch.

441
00:17:44,813 --> 00:17:46,646
You're not Mitch.

442
00:17:47,095 --> 00:17:48,478
What's she doing here?

443
00:17:48,503 --> 00:17:50,014
She showed up at our
apartment looking for Mitch.

444
00:17:50,039 --> 00:17:51,784
I figured if I brought her down here,

445
00:17:51,809 --> 00:17:53,642
she'd cease to be my problem.

446
00:17:55,021 --> 00:17:56,333
Forget about Mitch.

447
00:17:56,358 --> 00:17:57,741
I like you now.

448
00:17:57,766 --> 00:18:00,279
Everybody, I like Not Mitch!

449
00:18:02,526 --> 00:18:04,159
And now she's his problem.

450
00:18:04,857 --> 00:18:07,167
Oh, I feel so safe here.

451
00:18:07,202 --> 00:18:09,177
What are we drinking?

452
00:18:10,537 --> 00:18:12,505
I can't believe I fell for this again.

453
00:18:12,541 --> 00:18:13,840
Well, to be fair,

454
00:18:13,876 --> 00:18:16,426
I am a Hollywood-level liar.

455
00:18:16,511 --> 00:18:17,878
Well, I should know better,

456
00:18:17,963 --> 00:18:19,880
because I'm whatever's
worse than Hollywood.

457
00:18:19,905 --> 00:18:22,372
Nothing's worse than Hollywood.

458
00:18:22,397 --> 00:18:24,684
As much as I want to
strangle you right now,

459
00:18:24,720 --> 00:18:26,770
I can't, because I am you.

460
00:18:26,855 --> 00:18:28,605
Well, I was you.

461
00:18:28,690 --> 00:18:31,779
A drunk tornado ripping
through people's lives.

462
00:18:31,804 --> 00:18:35,055
They wanted me to direct Sharknado 3.

463
00:18:35,137 --> 00:18:36,386
Shut up!

464
00:18:36,411 --> 00:18:39,990
I'm taking the high
road, you toxic cesspool!

465
00:18:41,036 --> 00:18:42,118
(exhales)

466
00:18:42,143 --> 00:18:44,226
(inhales deeply)

467
00:18:47,711 --> 00:18:49,678
What I meant to say was...

468
00:18:51,380 --> 00:18:53,213
... as long as you're drinking,

469
00:18:53,248 --> 00:18:55,298
I don't want you in our lives.

470
00:18:55,701 --> 00:18:58,635
No calling, no e-mailing, no texting.

471
00:18:58,660 --> 00:19:00,717
What about Chapsnatch?

472
00:19:01,089 --> 00:19:03,263
Nothing. No contact.

473
00:19:04,092 --> 00:19:07,779
But if you ever sincerely want help...

474
00:19:09,573 --> 00:19:11,193
I'll be here for you.

475
00:19:12,734 --> 00:19:15,151
Ah. (chuckles)

476
00:19:15,385 --> 00:19:17,950
I see where this is going.

477
00:19:20,404 --> 00:19:22,571
Who's a pretty pony?

478
00:19:23,662 --> 00:19:25,248
(sputters)

479
00:19:26,198 --> 00:19:27,447
Adam.

480
00:19:27,472 --> 00:19:29,881
(grunting)

481
00:19:30,857 --> 00:19:33,286
You were always the good one.

482
00:19:33,433 --> 00:19:35,933
Why'd I stop sleeping with you?

483
00:19:35,958 --> 00:19:37,340
What happened to us?

484
00:19:37,486 --> 00:19:39,519
Give her a minute. She'll come back.

485
00:19:39,544 --> 00:19:41,326
What's your name?

486
00:19:42,740 --> 00:19:45,015
Leanne, y-you got to get off me.

487
00:19:45,040 --> 00:19:47,290
My fiancée has a temper.

488
00:19:47,315 --> 00:19:48,480
Adam!

489
00:19:48,505 --> 00:19:50,131
Bonnie hit me!

490
00:19:50,973 --> 00:19:52,435
See?

491
00:19:53,201 --> 00:19:54,584
Mitch!

492
00:19:54,609 --> 00:19:56,474
Leanne?!

493
00:19:57,709 --> 00:19:59,612
Why'd she hit you?

494
00:19:59,648 --> 00:20:01,314
No reason.

495
00:20:01,339 --> 00:20:03,422
Seriously? We should all be hitting him.

496
00:20:04,376 --> 00:20:05,826
You poor thing.

497
00:20:05,880 --> 00:20:07,630
I know, right?

498
00:20:08,529 --> 00:20:09,956
I miss you.

499
00:20:10,615 --> 00:20:12,137
I love you.

500
00:20:12,577 --> 00:20:14,544
I love you, too.

501
00:20:14,629 --> 00:20:16,746
(grunts)

502
00:20:16,832 --> 00:20:18,415
Let's make a baby.

503
00:20:18,440 --> 00:20:19,990
It's true love. (grunts)

504
00:20:22,213 --> 00:20:25,464
What's wrong with me
that I'm jealous of them?

505
00:20:25,720 --> 00:20:28,054
(moaning)

506
00:20:33,385 --> 00:20:36,420
Cosmopolitan, you've done it again.

507
00:20:37,025 --> 00:20:38,633
Believe it or not, this time,

508
00:20:38,658 --> 00:20:39,990
Redbook.

509
00:20:40,892 --> 00:20:42,431
- Really?
- Yep.

510
00:20:42,456 --> 00:20:46,119
Right next to an article
about one-pot winter meals.

511
00:20:46,634 --> 00:20:48,708
(laughing)

512
00:20:49,166 --> 00:20:51,400
- I love you.
- I love you, too.

513
00:20:51,425 --> 00:20:53,558
Mitch's check bounced.

514
00:20:54,110 --> 00:20:55,579
Go again.