Hey, guys, a quick announcement before we start.
Uh, my firm...
CLASS: Stone, Gannon and Associates.
Okay, I might have mentioned it before.
We're offering a summer internship for one-L's,
and I've decided I'm giving it to someone
in this class.
- So this week... - CHRISTY: Oh, my God, I want it.
I'm gonna get this.
I mean, I-I'm the best student in this class.
Who's better than me? Glen?
Who wants a lawyer who's always smelling his fingers?
Susan's always on her phone.
Joe looks like a little boy wearing his father's suit.
And then there's Nick.
What's the deal with him?
Some days, he's handsome,
some days, he looks like a giant marionette.
Hmm, come on, focus.
Who am I missing?
Oh, yes. Ha. Lisa.
The know-it-all who actually knows it all.
Yeah, I'm thinking about you, too.
'Cause I can take you. 'Cause I'm amazing.
Did I just say that to myself?
Oh, my God, I have confidence and self-esteem.
When did that kick in?
And I really believe it. I'm the best.
I'm the best.
That's right, deal with it.
♪♪
So I am sitting in my criminal law class today,
sizing up my competition,
and I realize, out of nowhere,
I am brimming with confidence.
Brim... Ming.
Excuse me, Beatrice?
I asked for no mayo. Guess what I got?
Mayo?
Gobs of it, Bea.
Would you like me to take it back?
No. I'm really hungry.
I just wanted to be heard.
Thanks for letting me be a part of this.
Look at you, taking down a woman
who's been on her feet for 12 hours.
Brimming. No one is safe.
Well, if you're still feeling feisty, you can come over
to my house and give my gardener the business.
I got mushrooms on my putting green.
Seems we've finally turned the corner
from the usual complaints about law school.
She'll circle back.
This week, we're doing a mock trial.
The professor picked a real court case,
gave us all the files and we're gonna try it ourselves.
Do you get to object? I've always wanted to object.
What are you talking about? That's all you ever do.
I object.
I wanted more from that.
I got picked to be the prosecutor,
and this suck-up Lisa is the defense attorney,
Whoever wins the case is clearly going to get the internship.
Ooh, smart people cage fight.
(shouts)
Tammy's had a toothache for a couple of days.
It really hurts when I eat.
Yummy, ow, yummy, ow.
Stop eating.
You don't stop eating a BLT.
Do you want me to give you the number
to my dentist? He's really hot.
All your doctors are hot. Is that how you pick them?
Yeah.
I already have a dentist appointment.
I was hoping one of you could take me.
We could make it a day.
How is that a day?
They probably have a fish tank. Wendy, you brightened a little.
Sorry, I have to work. Can't Marjorie take you?
Nope. Fancy Pantsuit over here
is living it up in the wilds of Canada.
By "living it up," she means I'm speaking to 300 alcoholics.
Tell them what it's called.
The Saskatoon Sober Jamboree.
You left out the word "sad."
I'll take you to the dentist, Tammy.
Thanks, Big Sauce.
You know, they don't let just anyone speak at the Jam.
(groans)
No fish tank.
Ooh.
Roasted pork loin with apples.
(lips smacking)
(coughs)
And a lovely side dish.
(coughs)
Some people just take a picture.
I left my phone in the car.
Why do you think I'm looking at a magazine?
- Let's get out of here. - You're done already?
They haven't even started. They want to knock me out.
For a toothache?
Oh, no, we're way past that. My mouth is a disaster.
There's gum scraping, root canals.
- They want to yank one clean out. - Oh, man.
I told them I'm sober and I can't be put under.
Well, sure you can. There's no part of the program
that says you're supposed to suffer.
You know, unless you end up in Canada with Marjorie.
(laughs, groans)
Oh, no, no. Go tell the dentist it's okay.
But then they want to give me a prescription for pain pills.
You can take pills, but you got to be careful.
- Those things are tricky. - Right, right. Uh...
I'll just stick with the Tylenol. I mean, it got me
through getting stabbed in the leg with a fork,
- it'll get me through this. - Wow.
Your time inside was rough.
Oh, no, that wasn't prison. I was trying to kill a seagull
that landed in my lap.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,
the facts of this case are clear.
There is ample evidence that...
(moans)
Am I moving my hands too much?
I didn't hear a word you said.
I was mesmerized by how good you look in my suit.
What do you think?
Well, I-I don't know. Angie Harmon used to move
her arms around a lot on Law & Order.
Wha... She still on that show?
No, it got canceled. She went to Rizzoli & Isles.
Well, that's not on anymore, either.
Should we be worried about her?
Guys, can we worry about my career and not Angie Harmon's?
Uh, it's gonna be fine. You're gonna do great.
JILL: Oh, my God.
Angie got divorced.
That woman can't catch a break.
Tammy's still asleep. She's a bit of a drooler.
You're gonna need to change your sheets.
Maybe even the mattress.
Great. But she better be up before I go to bed tonight.
I have a really big day tomorrow.
Eh, you say that every day. You're like
the girl who cried "big day."
Well, this time it really is.
Tomorrow's the mock trial and I'm completely unprepared
and I'm gonna lose to know-it-all Lisa.
Yesterday, you said, and I quote, you were gonna
"bitch slap her with the law."
Then I remembered she went to private school
her whole life, aced her LSATs and I'm me, daughter of you.
- Oh, thank God. - What?
Angie got a miniseries and a new guy.
Christy, I think you've got this.
That drug dealer's going down.
Whoa, whoa.
Your case is about a drug dealer? What are the facts?
The cops found the drugs locked in a car in his driveway
but his defense is it's not his car.
That's the oldest trick in the book. Remember Oklahoma?
When I bought that beat-up old Monte Carlo,
registered it to a dead guy...
And stashed your drugs in it, so nothing could be tied
- to your name. - That's what this guy's doing.
- That's my girl. - Well, this is scary.
The upsetting part of the story is they lived in Oklahoma.
I mean, just move to Texas. It's right there.
TAMMY: Tylenol!
- Tammy's up. - Tylenol!
- It hurts! - It's okay, it's right here.
Ooh, hurry!
Please do what she says.
They don't make this easy.
- What's the problem? - It's sealed so kids don't get...
Oh, I know why.
Ah, another seal.
Oh, just jam your finger into it.
Oh, see, now I just pushed the cotton down further.
Christy, you've got the little monkey hands.
Can you get it out?
(sighs) My past is an asset,
my tiny hands are an asset.
Everything's coming up Christy.
No! Tammy!
What?
Spit those out.
Spit those out right now. Do it.
All of them.
Here's two.
Might be three. They're kind of stuck together.
Look at all these stupid people.
Why are they in front of us?
Because they got here first.
That doesn't seem fair.
I'm looking for some pain pills!
Last name's Diffendorf!
Why don't you go over there and check your blood pressure
on that super cool machine?
How's that gonna make me feel better?
It won't, but it's over there.
Diffendorf!
- Bonnie? - Oh, thank God you answered.
You're never happy to talk to me.
What's wrong? Are the cats okay?
The cats are fine. It's the other animal you live with
that I'm worried about.
Tammy's mouth is a complete tear-down.
She needs hardcore painkillers to get her through the weekend.
When do you get home?
- Not till Tuesday. - What?
I'm 300/10. What does that mean?
She needs a responsible sober person
to hold the pills for her. Can't you come home early?
No. I made a commitment to a lot of people
who are counting on me being here.
(laughs): Oh! Oh, Wayne, you devil.
(laughs)
I got to go.
What? Who's Wayne?
What are you here for?
Cholesterol.
Cut back on your butter. Get behind me.
You?
I'd rather not say.
Got it. Boner pills.
You're behind me, too. And keep your eyes up.
Come on, Bonnie. Everyone's cool with us cutting in line.
I'm sorry, excuse me. My friend is in a lot of pain.
Excuse me. Hey, she said eyes up, pops.
Bonnie, wake up. It's time. I need my pill.
It-it hasn't been six hours.
Five and a half is close enough. My face is gonna fall off.
Give her a pill or give me one.
It's important to wait.
Look, I'll tell you what.
I-I'll help you kill the time.
How about we go play Clue? You love Clue.
Who did it? We don't know.
I do love Clue.
But you can't play with two people.
- Oh, Adam can play. He's up. - No he's not.
- But he could be. - No, he couldn't.
I'll go wake up Christy and see if she wants to play.
- No. She's got a big day. - Oh, she always says that.
No further questions, Your Honor.
Thank you, Lisa. Christy, your witness.
Thank you, Your Honor.
Good afternoon, Glen.
Sup?
Curious choice of hat.
I thought it would make me look street.
Ha. Let the record reflect it does not.
Christy, can we move this along?
It's your contention
that you are not, in fact, a drug dealer, correct?
That's right.
Hmm.
And yet a car parked in your driveway
was found to contain nine kilos of cocaine.
It's my Uncle Ronnie's car.
Oh. Would that be
Ronald Williams, who died in 2008?
Why are you holding onto his car?
I'm a sentimental guy, yo.
Your Honor?
Knock it off, Glen.
Sorry, it's just so fun.
This phone was on your person when you were arrested.
It's a 20-year-old Nokia 8265.
Is this your phone?
- Yes. - Hmm.
I'd think you'd have a smartphone,
cool guy like you with a cool hat.
Uh, I like to kick it old school?
Or is it because an old phone like this has no GPS,
making it impossible for the police to track your movements?
Is it because, in fact, this phone is widely used
by drug dealers everywhere for exactly those reasons?
Objection. She's making an argument.
Your Honor, the defendant claims he is not a drug dealer,
but he hides drugs like a drug dealer,
he uses an old phone like a drug dealer.
He rents multiple motel rooms
to avoid search warrants like a drug dealer.
Where'd she get all of this? None of it was in the file.
It was all in the file, but your childhood was too happy
for you to see it.
What's that supposed to mean?
It means this is the world I grew up in.
My mother was a drug dealer, yo.
And to be honest,
I've had my share of dark years, too.
Do you ever wonder why I'm the oldest one in this class?
- I did. - Me, too.
I wondered as well, but I'm not allowed to ask.
'Cause it was a long road to get here.
I-I drank, I did drugs, I was a stripper.
That has nothing to do with this, but now it's out there.
Point is,
I-I know how drug dealers work, and this scumbag is guilty.
(sighs)
The prosecution rests.
FYI, my parents got divorced and they used me as a weapon,
so whatever.
(moaning)
(sobbing)
Hey, sounds like you're doing better.
I'm not.
Well, you've got a while before the next pill, but until then,
I've got ice cream, pudding and apple sauce.
Give me pudding.
Chocolate or butterscotch?
Chocolate. Don't ask dumb questions.
Fine. More butterscotch for me.
You know, the whole world's missing out.
(whispering): Yes.
No.
Come on, Tammy, dig deep.
Use as directed.
"Every four hours"?
Hey, Tammy, I took a shot at some Cool Whip.
Thought it might jazz up your pudding...
Four hours! Every four hours!
Not six, not five.
- Four! - Okay, okay.
Let's just keep this table between us and I'll explain.
While it's technically true
you can have a pill every four hours,
I made an executive decision
to see if we could stretch it to six,
and I think we're doing great.
Why would you make me suffer?
Because I love you.
You do?
O-Of course.
(sighs) Come here.
I still think you can last six hours.
You're a dead woman!
Stop putting furniture between us.
I've done this with cops for hours.
I can go all night.
I just feel so lost right now.
I thought I could trust you.
You're the closest thing I have to a sister.
You can trust me.
I'm really just trying to protect you.
These pills can be really dangerous.
I know, I'm just... headlock!
Ow!
(gasps) That was so mean.
- You put me in a headlock. - That was a hug.
You yelled "headlock!"
Tammy, a couple years ago, I hurt my back.
They gave me these things and I was convinced I could handle it.
But it wasn't long before one pill every four hours
became four pills every one hour.
I'm sorry, but this disease is a sneaky little bitch,
and I just don't want you to wake her up.
I hate you right now.
And I love you.
I definitely don't want to relapse.
So it's been four hours.
Do you want a pill?
No. I'm gonna try to make it six.
Five and a half.
- Here you go. - Thank you.
You wanted to see me?
Yes, Christy.
Thanks for coming. Look, you did a really great job
the other day.
I mean, I think Glen is still weeping.
Yeah. I think I saw his hat in the trash.
So listen, I want to talk to you about the internship.
Oh, really?
The internship. I totally forgot about that.
I'm giving it to Lisa.
What? No. I destroyed her in mock trial.
- I know you did, but... - I know what's going on here.
You find out I have a sketchy past,
and all of a sudden, I am not welcome at your snooty law firm.
Christy, if you would allow me...
I worked my ass off to get here.
And yes, I said "ass," I was a stripper.
I don't know why I keep bringing that up.
My law firm would like to offer you
a paying position this summer.
Oh, my God. Thank you.
I'm not allowed to hug you back, but congratulations.
Right, right.
I just wanna get something off my chest.
For three years, I've mislead you all to believe something about me.
She used to be a man. I told you.
It's... very difficult to say
But I um...
I never actually watched Breaking Bad.
- OTHERS: Ooh! - I know, I know!
But I just couldn't get into it!
And everytime you guys talked about it...
I was faking
You'd all be like "Heisenberg and Jesse" and I'd say "Yes! Great episode!"
Anyway... (sighs) weight lifted. Thanks
You'd better not be lying about "Cake Wars"
Of course not!
Would anyone else like to share?
Hey, everybody. I am awesome.
Sorry, just wanted to let you know.
Now I have to go to Gamblers Anonymous. See you.
Does anybody else think
confident Christy is super annoying?
- I'll go. Hi, Bonnie, alcoholic. - GROUP: Hi, Bonnie.
I know you don't hear this a lot from me,
but I am really proud of myself.
I have a sober friend who had dental work done
- and needed pain pills. - She's talking about me.
And I was the one who held them for her.
Now, the amazing thing is, the whole time,
I never once thought about taking a pill myself.
All I could think about was taking care of my friend.
And it led me to a discovery, one that I have mastered,
but I think the rest of you are ready for.
This program
is really about helping other people,
and by helping other people, I helped myself.
Think about that.
And if I'm the first person to recognize that,
let it be my gift to you.
I'm going back to Canada.