1 00:00:08,400 --> 00:00:09,467 (Abbi and Ilana) Previously on "Broad City"... 2 00:00:09,567 --> 00:00:10,467 To the airport! 3 00:00:10,567 --> 00:00:11,467 (Abbi) You have a period stain. 4 00:00:11,567 --> 00:00:12,800 I have weed in my vaginé. 5 00:00:12,900 --> 00:00:14,867 Period pants are the ultimate decoy. 6 00:00:14,967 --> 00:00:16,133 We'll have to check your luggage. 7 00:00:16,233 --> 00:00:17,467 This bag is the bomb. 8 00:00:17,567 --> 00:00:19,333 This is gonna have to go under the plane. 9 00:00:20,633 --> 00:00:21,733 (Jared) Welcome to Birthmarc. 10 00:00:21,833 --> 00:00:23,833 This is an all-expense paid trip to Israel, 11 00:00:23,933 --> 00:00:25,567 provided by your living ancestors, 12 00:00:25,667 --> 00:00:27,600 so we're seated according to match potential. 13 00:00:27,700 --> 00:00:28,600 Enchanté. 14 00:00:28,700 --> 00:00:30,533 Jews! Jews! Jews! 15 00:00:33,633 --> 00:00:35,733 * Put your tray tables up and put your seat back forward * 16 00:00:35,833 --> 00:00:36,967 * And if you got something big * 17 00:00:37,067 --> 00:00:38,667 * Put it in overhead storage * 18 00:00:38,767 --> 00:00:40,967 * Life vest, seatbelt, oxygen * 19 00:00:41,067 --> 00:00:43,800 * You better help yourself before you help a friend * 20 00:00:43,900 --> 00:00:45,000 Safety. 21 00:00:45,100 --> 00:00:46,167 Yeah. 22 00:00:46,267 --> 00:00:49,933 * 23 00:00:50,033 --> 00:00:52,300 * And you can't be weird today * 24 00:00:52,400 --> 00:00:55,700 * 'Cause there's too much crazy stuff in the world today * 25 00:00:55,800 --> 00:00:58,367 * Get real high 26 00:00:58,467 --> 00:01:01,633 * 'Cause we're flying and zooming the sky * 27 00:01:02,900 --> 00:01:05,333 * Four and three and two and one-one * 28 00:01:09,900 --> 00:01:12,100 4,000 steps. 29 00:01:12,200 --> 00:01:14,067 Oh, Winona, you gotta kick it up, girl. 30 00:01:14,167 --> 00:01:15,667 I just wish I had something to talk about 31 00:01:15,767 --> 00:01:17,833 at my reunion, you know? 32 00:01:17,933 --> 00:01:19,067 Maybe I shouldn't even go. 33 00:01:19,133 --> 00:01:20,067 What? 34 00:01:20,167 --> 00:01:21,533 No, you gotta go. 35 00:01:21,633 --> 00:01:23,100 They're gonna miss you. 36 00:01:23,200 --> 00:01:24,867 You need to go give them a load of Mona. 37 00:01:24,967 --> 00:01:26,900 I just wish I had a... 38 00:01:27,067 --> 00:01:28,533 Like, a talking point, you know? 39 00:01:28,633 --> 00:01:31,200 I need a headline. 40 00:01:31,300 --> 00:01:32,700 Whoa, girl. 41 00:01:32,800 --> 00:01:35,267 Boy, those pilots, they do such a good job. 42 00:01:35,367 --> 00:01:36,500 They really work hard. I'm telling you. 43 00:01:36,600 --> 00:01:37,533 We should go check on them, 44 00:01:37,633 --> 00:01:38,533 see if they want a little beverage. 45 00:01:38,633 --> 00:01:39,533 I'll be right back. 46 00:01:39,633 --> 00:01:40,533 Know what I mean? Mm-hmm. 47 00:01:40,633 --> 00:01:42,067 Okay. 48 00:01:42,100 --> 00:01:44,600 (door opening) 49 00:01:44,700 --> 00:01:45,733 Everything okay? 50 00:01:45,833 --> 00:01:46,867 Rough winds. 51 00:01:46,967 --> 00:01:47,933 Looking good, girl. 52 00:01:48,067 --> 00:01:49,433 Well, thank you. 53 00:01:49,533 --> 00:01:51,700 Ladies and gentlemen, we're about to hit a rough patch. 54 00:01:51,800 --> 00:01:54,933 If you move about the cabin, please proceed with caution. 55 00:02:00,167 --> 00:02:01,600 (moaning) 56 00:02:04,500 --> 00:02:05,567 (Jared) Up next is Rachel. 57 00:02:05,667 --> 00:02:07,933 Hi, I'm Rachel Hanowitz. 58 00:02:08,067 --> 00:02:11,400 Uh, Rachel Hoffman already called Rachel H., sorry. 59 00:02:11,500 --> 00:02:14,600 So you will be Rachel H-2. 60 00:02:14,700 --> 00:02:17,333 I'm an event planner from Montana, 61 00:02:17,433 --> 00:02:19,800 decent Jewish population there, actually, 62 00:02:19,900 --> 00:02:22,867 but I'm looking to make it bigger. 63 00:02:24,567 --> 00:02:26,633 That's what I'm talking about, huh, guys? 64 00:02:26,733 --> 00:02:28,267 Thank you. (clapping) 65 00:02:28,367 --> 00:02:29,500 Uh, Mark? 66 00:02:31,967 --> 00:02:33,700 Uh, shalom, my name is Mark. 67 00:02:33,800 --> 00:02:36,767 I run a booming nail art business outside Boston, 68 00:02:36,867 --> 00:02:39,433 and I'm proudly gay-- mazel-- 69 00:02:39,533 --> 00:02:42,733 but I'm looking for a nice Jewish girl to marry. 70 00:02:42,833 --> 00:02:44,500 Because that's the only way I can gain access 71 00:02:44,600 --> 00:02:46,067 to my trust fund. 72 00:02:46,133 --> 00:02:47,067 (Jared) Nice! 73 00:02:47,133 --> 00:02:48,667 Right on, Mark, all right. 74 00:02:48,767 --> 00:02:51,167 (clapping) 75 00:02:52,733 --> 00:02:53,767 Uh, Abbalah? 76 00:03:00,333 --> 00:03:01,333 Hey. 77 00:03:01,433 --> 00:03:02,967 Uh, I'm Abbi. 78 00:03:03,067 --> 00:03:05,633 Just wanted to say that I was one of the few 79 00:03:05,733 --> 00:03:07,967 who had to check their carry-on, 80 00:03:08,067 --> 00:03:10,700 even though I packed really hard for a carry-on. 81 00:03:10,800 --> 00:03:13,200 I practice packed a couple times. 82 00:03:13,300 --> 00:03:16,200 Just felt like that was a sacrifice. 83 00:03:16,300 --> 00:03:17,567 It felt a little Jewwy. 84 00:03:17,667 --> 00:03:19,467 Um, Jewish-like. 85 00:03:19,567 --> 00:03:22,067 Anyway, I graduated with a fine arts degree. 86 00:03:22,133 --> 00:03:26,300 So now I am a celebrity trainer. 87 00:03:26,400 --> 00:03:31,600 Um, Kris Kristofferson comes in, mostly core work. 88 00:03:31,700 --> 00:03:33,433 It-- Uh, it's pretty cool. 89 00:03:33,533 --> 00:03:37,067 So I'm a little bit lost and, um, 90 00:03:37,100 --> 00:03:41,333 yeah, I'm looking for a spiritual experience, 91 00:03:41,433 --> 00:03:43,600 kind find myself on this trip. 92 00:03:43,700 --> 00:03:45,367 I'm sorry, Ilana, are you okay? 93 00:03:45,467 --> 00:03:46,467 Yeah. 94 00:03:46,567 --> 00:03:47,500 I'll go next. 95 00:03:47,600 --> 00:03:48,567 Okay. Thank you, Abbi. 96 00:03:48,667 --> 00:03:49,567 Okay. Thank you. 97 00:03:49,667 --> 00:03:51,967 (clapping) 98 00:03:52,067 --> 00:03:54,667 Hey, I'm Ilana, and right now, 99 00:03:54,767 --> 00:03:56,100 I'm just looking to sit next to Abbi. 100 00:03:56,200 --> 00:03:58,433 You know, I just want to hang, get new jokes together. 101 00:03:58,533 --> 00:04:01,200 Also, um, I've never been out of the country, and also-- 102 00:04:01,300 --> 00:04:05,633 also, I'm looking to get into the Moyel Chai Club. 103 00:04:05,733 --> 00:04:08,367 (Abbi laughing) 104 00:04:08,467 --> 00:04:09,667 Thank you. 105 00:04:09,767 --> 00:04:11,767 (clapping) 106 00:04:11,867 --> 00:04:12,833 Okay. 107 00:04:12,933 --> 00:04:13,833 Um... 108 00:04:13,933 --> 00:04:15,400 Let's see, Rachel H-2, 109 00:04:15,500 --> 00:04:16,433 you went to Dartmouth, huh? 110 00:04:16,533 --> 00:04:18,400 Mm-hmm. Well, you know what? 111 00:04:18,500 --> 00:04:19,600 I think I could see a really bright future 112 00:04:19,700 --> 00:04:22,333 with you and David 3, who went to Cornell. 113 00:04:22,433 --> 00:04:24,233 Ew, Cornell? 114 00:04:24,333 --> 00:04:26,200 Hey, it's still an Ivy. 115 00:04:26,300 --> 00:04:28,433 (Jared) Ah, you guys sound like an old married couple already. 116 00:04:28,533 --> 00:04:31,733 Next up, Lauren, you went to Brown, and Levi, 117 00:04:31,833 --> 00:04:33,367 you went to Tufts? 118 00:04:33,467 --> 00:04:36,367 I mean, Red Rover, Red Rover, let Levi come over! 119 00:04:36,467 --> 00:04:38,667 Let's bring it on down to Gingerville! 120 00:04:38,767 --> 00:04:40,600 (all laughing) 121 00:04:40,700 --> 00:04:42,267 I said, this is J-(bleep). 122 00:04:42,367 --> 00:04:43,733 Oh, cool. 123 00:04:43,833 --> 00:04:46,267 Listen, we should just ask people to switch seats. 124 00:04:46,367 --> 00:04:48,333 Get ya nag on! 125 00:04:48,433 --> 00:04:49,400 Nagga, what? 126 00:04:49,500 --> 00:04:50,400 Hmm? 127 00:04:50,500 --> 00:04:51,533 No, no. 128 00:04:51,633 --> 00:04:53,233 I don't-- that was like-- 129 00:04:53,333 --> 00:04:55,267 Just a joke, I mean-- just delete that. 130 00:04:55,367 --> 00:04:56,833 Yeah, delete. 131 00:04:56,933 --> 00:04:58,567 We'll both forget it. 132 00:04:58,667 --> 00:05:00,500 (electronic beeping) 133 00:05:02,067 --> 00:05:03,067 Yo, bud. 134 00:05:03,100 --> 00:05:05,167 You wanna switch seats? 135 00:05:05,267 --> 00:05:06,367 Sweet. 136 00:05:08,333 --> 00:05:10,300 Thanks so much, my peer. 137 00:05:10,400 --> 00:05:11,700 Excuse me, sir? 138 00:05:11,800 --> 00:05:13,500 You are sitting in the lucky seat 139 00:05:13,600 --> 00:05:16,433 we always upgrade to first class midflight. 140 00:05:16,533 --> 00:05:18,933 Congratulations. Come on up! 141 00:05:19,067 --> 00:05:21,967 Let's get you a blanket and a glass of champagne. 142 00:05:22,067 --> 00:05:23,067 (whispering) Ilana! Ilana! 143 00:05:23,167 --> 00:05:24,467 Ilana, there's a seat! 144 00:05:24,567 --> 00:05:25,767 Ilana! 145 00:05:25,867 --> 00:05:27,333 No, no. 146 00:05:31,833 --> 00:05:33,533 I'm good... 147 00:05:33,633 --> 00:05:34,733 (clearing throat) I'm good. 148 00:05:34,833 --> 00:05:35,733 Shalom. 149 00:05:35,833 --> 00:05:38,267 Sir, would you like to switch seats? 150 00:05:57,767 --> 00:05:59,100 We did it, dude. 151 00:05:59,200 --> 00:06:01,200 Um, excuse me, sir? Ab, Ab. 152 00:06:01,300 --> 00:06:02,200 Let the guy rest in peace. 153 00:06:02,300 --> 00:06:03,300 Okay. 154 00:06:03,400 --> 00:06:04,333 I guess we're close enough. 155 00:06:04,433 --> 00:06:05,400 Yeah. 156 00:06:05,500 --> 00:06:06,633 So I've been meaning to tell you, 157 00:06:06,733 --> 00:06:08,467 that was a sick mile high joke. 158 00:06:08,567 --> 00:06:09,667 I wasn't joking. 159 00:06:09,767 --> 00:06:11,467 The Moyel Chai Club. 160 00:06:11,567 --> 00:06:12,967 You know how moyels suck baby dick? 161 00:06:13,067 --> 00:06:14,700 Wait, wait, what's a moyel? 162 00:06:14,800 --> 00:06:16,733 Honestly, are you Jewish? 163 00:06:16,833 --> 00:06:18,500 You're not supposed to be on this trip if you're not. 164 00:06:18,600 --> 00:06:20,067 Dude, I'm sorry, what the (bleep) is a moyel, 165 00:06:20,167 --> 00:06:21,800 and why are they sucking baby dick? 166 00:06:21,900 --> 00:06:23,067 A moyel is the Jewish dude 167 00:06:23,100 --> 00:06:24,800 who performs the circumcisions. 168 00:06:24,900 --> 00:06:26,233 You know, like a-- a bris. 169 00:06:26,333 --> 00:06:27,700 So they don't do it in the hospital, 170 00:06:27,800 --> 00:06:31,233 so these rabbis can do whatever they want. 171 00:06:31,333 --> 00:06:33,700 So they take the detached baby foreskin, 172 00:06:33,800 --> 00:06:36,200 and they roll it around in their mouths with wine. 173 00:06:36,300 --> 00:06:39,800 (retching) 174 00:06:39,900 --> 00:06:43,067 And then they suck the baby dick itself to stop the bleeding. 175 00:06:43,167 --> 00:06:44,800 What the (bleep) are you talking about? 176 00:06:44,900 --> 00:06:46,367 Literally Judaism. 177 00:06:46,467 --> 00:06:49,400 So at every bris, someone sucks a baby dick? 178 00:06:49,500 --> 00:06:51,700 Only the most sacred ceremonies do we get to have 179 00:06:51,800 --> 00:06:52,733 the baby dick sucking. 180 00:06:52,833 --> 00:06:54,167 They get to have it? 181 00:06:54,267 --> 00:06:56,300 Yeah, it's like, Christian people get the Nilla wafer 182 00:06:56,400 --> 00:06:57,300 and we get-- Like a sacrament. 183 00:06:57,400 --> 00:06:58,533 What? 184 00:06:58,633 --> 00:07:00,633 It's a wafer and when you take it in your mouth, 185 00:07:00,733 --> 00:07:02,067 you let go of all your sins. All right. 186 00:07:02,167 --> 00:07:03,333 It's actually like, a beautiful ceremony. 187 00:07:03,433 --> 00:07:05,367 So we're going to Israel right now, 188 00:07:05,467 --> 00:07:07,067 and we're supposed to be Jewish. 189 00:07:07,133 --> 00:07:08,233 Anyway, Moyel Chai Club. 190 00:07:08,333 --> 00:07:10,767 I want to (bleep) a dick on this flight, babe! 191 00:07:10,867 --> 00:07:13,267 An adult dick, obviously. 192 00:07:13,367 --> 00:07:16,067 I can't believe that you want to (bleep) a dick 193 00:07:16,133 --> 00:07:18,100 after everything that just came out of your mouth. 194 00:07:18,200 --> 00:07:20,133 Something about doing it in the sky. 195 00:07:21,867 --> 00:07:22,967 Ilana, look! 196 00:07:23,067 --> 00:07:25,433 Oh, my God, dude, this is a free movie! 197 00:07:25,533 --> 00:07:26,633 Maybe you are a Jew. 198 00:07:26,733 --> 00:07:27,633 Look, look! 199 00:07:27,733 --> 00:07:28,700 His headphones! 200 00:07:28,800 --> 00:07:30,633 You are dark, dude. 201 00:07:30,733 --> 00:07:33,233 I know. 202 00:07:33,333 --> 00:07:34,300 (man in movie) He didn't get it off, man! 203 00:07:34,400 --> 00:07:35,300 (man in movie) He got it off! 204 00:07:35,400 --> 00:07:36,667 Hey, hey! 205 00:07:36,767 --> 00:07:38,533 (laughing) 206 00:07:41,667 --> 00:07:43,733 Shit, dude. 207 00:07:43,833 --> 00:07:45,067 I just got my period. 208 00:07:45,167 --> 00:07:46,133 Ugh. 209 00:07:46,233 --> 00:07:47,967 Okay, it's fine, I packed tampons. 210 00:07:50,500 --> 00:07:53,333 In my bag! 211 00:07:56,067 --> 00:07:59,867 Dude, what if you use my period pants? 212 00:08:00,067 --> 00:08:00,933 For what? 213 00:08:01,067 --> 00:08:03,367 I... I don't know. 214 00:08:03,467 --> 00:08:05,733 It just figures because I packed, like, 215 00:08:05,833 --> 00:08:09,067 every type of tampon I could find. 216 00:08:09,167 --> 00:08:11,167 It's all in my bag, under the plane. 217 00:08:11,267 --> 00:08:12,633 All right, woman up. 218 00:08:12,733 --> 00:08:15,267 Wad up a bunch of toilet paper and shove it up your pussy. 219 00:08:15,367 --> 00:08:16,300 Up? 220 00:08:16,400 --> 00:08:17,733 Between the lips and the undies. 221 00:08:17,833 --> 00:08:19,100 Dude, it's the first day. 222 00:08:19,200 --> 00:08:20,567 Oof, first day. 223 00:08:20,667 --> 00:08:23,433 That's like putting your spoon into a molten lava cake. 224 00:08:23,533 --> 00:08:24,800 It's like the first bite of a jelly doughnut. 225 00:08:24,900 --> 00:08:25,933 It's like a side of chutney. 226 00:08:26,067 --> 00:08:26,933 It's like fruit on the bottom. 227 00:08:27,067 --> 00:08:28,100 That's you right now. 228 00:08:28,200 --> 00:08:29,467 You ever seen that movie "The Impossible"? 229 00:08:29,567 --> 00:08:31,967 Where that wall of tsunami water just, like, 230 00:08:32,067 --> 00:08:33,400 gushes up onto the beach? 231 00:08:33,500 --> 00:08:34,500 Yikes. 232 00:08:34,600 --> 00:08:36,133 I was just gonna say, that movie is so sad. 233 00:08:36,233 --> 00:08:37,133 Oh, yeah. 234 00:08:37,233 --> 00:08:40,067 I really need a (bleep) tampon. 235 00:08:40,100 --> 00:08:42,067 Shit, the line for the bathroom is so long, 236 00:08:42,100 --> 00:08:44,433 even if I did want to stick a wad up-- 237 00:08:44,533 --> 00:08:46,733 This must be what homeless women feel like. 238 00:08:48,333 --> 00:08:49,800 Dude, we're just in coach, it's not that bad. 239 00:08:49,900 --> 00:08:50,800 No, no. 240 00:08:50,900 --> 00:08:52,400 Like, how do they get tampons? 241 00:08:52,500 --> 00:08:53,567 If you get a couple bucks, 242 00:08:53,667 --> 00:08:55,400 do you buy food or do you buy tampons? 243 00:08:55,500 --> 00:08:56,433 Whoa. 244 00:08:56,533 --> 00:08:57,900 Tampons should be free. 245 00:08:58,067 --> 00:08:59,433 Every woman should have access to tampons, 246 00:08:59,533 --> 00:09:00,667 all different sizes. 247 00:09:00,767 --> 00:09:02,367 And the only reason it's not that way 248 00:09:02,467 --> 00:09:04,233 is because the government hates women. 249 00:09:04,333 --> 00:09:05,333 This is true. 250 00:09:05,433 --> 00:09:06,467 Elbows in, sir. 251 00:09:06,567 --> 00:09:08,067 Here's a reunion story. 252 00:09:08,100 --> 00:09:10,700 Tell them your Beyoncé's fourth-weekend nanny 253 00:09:10,800 --> 00:09:11,733 and that she loves you. 254 00:09:11,833 --> 00:09:13,367 I don't speak French. 255 00:09:13,467 --> 00:09:14,733 Can I get you anything? 256 00:09:14,833 --> 00:09:15,900 Um... 257 00:09:16,067 --> 00:09:17,367 Do you guys have any tampons I could-- 258 00:09:17,467 --> 00:09:18,967 (whispering) So sorry, no, we don't. 259 00:09:19,067 --> 00:09:22,533 But we have soft drinks and food, for an additional charge. 260 00:09:22,633 --> 00:09:24,133 Okay. You know what? 261 00:09:24,233 --> 00:09:26,167 Let's get something to distract from all of this. 262 00:09:26,267 --> 00:09:28,233 (Mona) We got a-- a kosher snack pack for two. 263 00:09:28,333 --> 00:09:30,600 How much is that? $38. 264 00:09:30,700 --> 00:09:32,633 Oh, okay. All right. 265 00:09:32,733 --> 00:09:33,667 (Winona) There's a lot of good stuff in there. 266 00:09:33,767 --> 00:09:36,533 It's yummy, you'll love it. 267 00:09:36,633 --> 00:09:39,133 All right, elbows in now. 268 00:09:39,233 --> 00:09:40,433 (Abbi) Let's get this out of the way. 269 00:09:40,533 --> 00:09:43,200 I am loving your comfort despite the circumstances. 270 00:09:43,300 --> 00:09:44,533 Well, I'm currently sitting 271 00:09:44,633 --> 00:09:47,633 in a pool of my own uterine lining, so... 272 00:09:47,733 --> 00:09:49,300 I'm feeling pretty comfortable. 273 00:09:49,400 --> 00:09:50,300 Hey, hey, hey. 274 00:09:50,400 --> 00:09:51,467 You know what you need to do? 275 00:09:51,567 --> 00:09:53,500 You need to tell them about all that money 276 00:09:53,600 --> 00:09:54,967 that you gave to charity. 277 00:09:55,067 --> 00:09:57,067 Then I have to tell them that I had to ask for it all back 278 00:09:57,100 --> 00:09:59,467 'cause I'm addicted to online poker. 279 00:09:59,567 --> 00:10:01,633 Okay, tell them about the bone marrow transplant 280 00:10:01,733 --> 00:10:03,033 that you gave me. 281 00:10:03,133 --> 00:10:05,167 You gave me a bone marrow transplant. 282 00:10:05,267 --> 00:10:07,833 Ooh, I forgot about that. 283 00:10:07,933 --> 00:10:08,833 (Ilana) What? 284 00:10:08,933 --> 00:10:10,633 This was $38? 285 00:10:10,733 --> 00:10:11,933 (Abbi) Ugh, dude. 286 00:10:12,033 --> 00:10:14,367 Someone on this plane has got to have a tampon. 287 00:10:14,467 --> 00:10:15,700 Yeah, you're right. 288 00:10:15,800 --> 00:10:16,800 Let's do this. Okay. 289 00:10:19,567 --> 00:10:20,967 Do you guys have a tampon? 290 00:10:24,000 --> 00:10:25,333 Absorbency... 291 00:10:29,733 --> 00:10:31,000 Um, excuse me. 292 00:10:31,100 --> 00:10:32,500 Do you by any chance have a tampon? 293 00:10:32,600 --> 00:10:33,833 Oh, my goodness, no. 294 00:10:33,933 --> 00:10:35,133 I'm flattered you asked, 295 00:10:35,233 --> 00:10:37,867 even though many women my age do experience spotting. 296 00:10:37,967 --> 00:10:38,867 Oh! 297 00:10:38,967 --> 00:10:41,200 I totally forgot about menopause. 298 00:10:41,300 --> 00:10:43,967 Menopause isn't represented in mainstream media. 299 00:10:44,067 --> 00:10:46,233 Like, no one wants to talk about it. 300 00:10:48,500 --> 00:10:49,900 (Ilana) Hey! Hey, buddy. 301 00:10:50,000 --> 00:10:50,900 Could I get that pita? 302 00:10:51,000 --> 00:10:52,000 This pita? 303 00:10:52,100 --> 00:10:53,867 That's almost in my mouth? Yeah. 304 00:10:53,967 --> 00:10:56,233 My friend just got her period and she doesn't have any tampons 305 00:10:56,333 --> 00:10:58,700 and it's first-day flow. 306 00:10:58,800 --> 00:11:00,300 Really heavy, and her underpants are filling and-- 307 00:11:00,400 --> 00:11:02,200 Just take it. Thank you. 308 00:11:02,300 --> 00:11:03,200 I do have one. 309 00:11:03,300 --> 00:11:04,800 Hold on, let me get my Longchamp. 310 00:11:04,900 --> 00:11:06,067 Oh, yes! 311 00:11:06,133 --> 00:11:08,933 * 312 00:11:09,067 --> 00:11:11,200 * Banging 'til the bells stop ringing * 313 00:11:14,167 --> 00:11:15,533 Can you please return to your seat? 314 00:11:15,633 --> 00:11:16,533 Again. 315 00:11:16,633 --> 00:11:17,633 Yes, sorry. 316 00:11:17,733 --> 00:11:19,367 I was just, um, gathering materials. 317 00:11:19,467 --> 00:11:21,333 Okay. Thank you. 318 00:11:23,533 --> 00:11:25,300 (sighing) 319 00:11:25,400 --> 00:11:27,267 (laughing) 320 00:11:27,367 --> 00:11:28,600 You're kidding, right? 321 00:11:28,700 --> 00:11:29,700 What do you mean? 322 00:11:29,800 --> 00:11:31,567 Oh, you're serious? 323 00:11:31,667 --> 00:11:32,633 I thought that these, were, like, 324 00:11:32,733 --> 00:11:35,467 a joke that all women shared. 325 00:11:35,567 --> 00:11:36,867 I guess I'm just the monster 326 00:11:36,967 --> 00:11:40,067 with a humongous vagina over here. 327 00:11:40,133 --> 00:11:42,767 (bleep) you, Lindsay. 328 00:11:42,867 --> 00:11:44,833 Does yarmulke size have anything to do with dick si-- 329 00:11:44,933 --> 00:11:46,700 Sorry, shlong size? 330 00:11:46,800 --> 00:11:48,433 I think so. Oh. 331 00:11:48,533 --> 00:11:49,867 Then it is way too big. 332 00:11:49,967 --> 00:11:51,267 But can I borrow this yarmulke? 333 00:11:51,367 --> 00:11:53,367 You're probably not gonna want it back afterwards. 334 00:11:53,467 --> 00:11:54,767 It's just so thick. 335 00:11:54,867 --> 00:11:56,933 Oh! 336 00:11:57,067 --> 00:11:58,300 I'm so glad you're finally getting into it. 337 00:11:58,400 --> 00:11:59,700 This is David 5, 338 00:11:59,800 --> 00:12:01,333 he's in his third year of orthopedic residency-- 339 00:12:01,433 --> 00:12:02,700 Wait, do you have a tampon? 340 00:12:02,800 --> 00:12:04,200 N-no, why-- 341 00:12:04,300 --> 00:12:05,433 Do you have any interest 342 00:12:05,533 --> 00:12:07,333 in meeting eligible young Jews on this trip? 343 00:12:07,433 --> 00:12:09,067 Yeah, that was the first thing I said, 344 00:12:09,133 --> 00:12:11,100 that I wanted to join the Moyel Chai Club. 345 00:12:11,200 --> 00:12:13,500 And why don't you just let it happen naturally? 346 00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:15,767 Jews are so horny. 347 00:12:15,867 --> 00:12:17,767 Horny. 348 00:12:17,867 --> 00:12:18,767 Oh, my... 349 00:12:18,867 --> 00:12:20,167 That's offensive. Sorry. 350 00:12:20,267 --> 00:12:22,600 Look, forgive me if I want to perpetuate the glorious 351 00:12:22,700 --> 00:12:24,133 bloodline of the Jewish people. 352 00:12:24,233 --> 00:12:25,167 It's a noble cause. 353 00:12:25,267 --> 00:12:27,133 Really? That's your thing? 354 00:12:30,800 --> 00:12:32,500 All right, look, I probably shouldn't tell you this, 355 00:12:32,600 --> 00:12:34,933 but I get a commission off of every match made. 356 00:12:35,067 --> 00:12:37,500 I get double if it's made before we touch the ground. 357 00:12:37,600 --> 00:12:38,933 What? Hey, don't judge. 358 00:12:39,067 --> 00:12:40,267 Look, it's one thing 359 00:12:40,367 --> 00:12:41,533 if you don't want to take this trip seriously, 360 00:12:41,633 --> 00:12:43,133 besmirch your Jewish heritage, 361 00:12:43,233 --> 00:12:45,267 that's between you and HaShem. 362 00:12:45,367 --> 00:12:47,067 But if you get between me and my money... 363 00:12:47,133 --> 00:12:48,333 (inhaling deeply) 364 00:12:48,433 --> 00:12:50,067 That I will not stand for. 365 00:12:56,767 --> 00:12:58,133 This is so against the rules. 366 00:12:58,233 --> 00:13:01,500 Well, I won't Tel Aviv, if you won't. 367 00:13:01,600 --> 00:13:02,700 Wait a minute, you know Aviv? 368 00:13:02,800 --> 00:13:04,600 No, um... 369 00:13:04,700 --> 00:13:05,900 No. 370 00:13:06,067 --> 00:13:07,233 Oh. 371 00:13:07,333 --> 00:13:08,700 (zipper unzips) Oh. 372 00:13:08,800 --> 00:13:11,400 Holy sweet mother of Moses. 373 00:13:11,500 --> 00:13:12,433 (knocking on door) 374 00:13:12,533 --> 00:13:13,767 Uh... 375 00:13:13,867 --> 00:13:15,067 Coming! 376 00:13:15,133 --> 00:13:18,267 I gotta go, I gotta go! 377 00:13:18,367 --> 00:13:19,767 Uh... 378 00:13:19,867 --> 00:13:22,200 I-- I would, uh... 379 00:13:22,300 --> 00:13:23,733 Just a minute, wait a minute. 380 00:13:23,833 --> 00:13:25,533 There's somebody still finishing in there. 381 00:13:25,633 --> 00:13:26,667 Excuse me. 382 00:13:30,500 --> 00:13:32,500 Dude, I just joined the Moyel Chai Club! 383 00:13:32,600 --> 00:13:35,233 Dude, I've been waiting for the bathroom forever. 384 00:13:35,333 --> 00:13:36,267 Did you get me anything? 385 00:13:36,367 --> 00:13:38,200 Remember, the wad up the lips? 386 00:13:38,300 --> 00:13:39,833 I got you something better. 387 00:13:41,167 --> 00:13:42,100 What is that? 388 00:13:42,200 --> 00:13:43,667 It's a homemade tampon. 389 00:13:43,767 --> 00:13:49,167 Because I am a woman who has access to tampons normally, 390 00:13:49,267 --> 00:13:51,300 I'm not gonna stick a pita up my pussy. 391 00:13:51,400 --> 00:13:53,667 I get it. 392 00:13:53,767 --> 00:13:54,833 Everyone is gonna be sorry 393 00:13:54,933 --> 00:13:57,233 they turned their backs on their sisters. 394 00:13:57,333 --> 00:13:58,567 Time is of the essence. 395 00:13:58,667 --> 00:14:00,467 Any second, there's gonna be an explosion 396 00:14:00,567 --> 00:14:03,567 and there's gonna be blood, like, everywhere. 397 00:14:03,667 --> 00:14:05,067 Holy... 398 00:14:05,167 --> 00:14:07,367 My headline. 399 00:14:10,467 --> 00:14:11,867 They said "explosion". 400 00:14:11,967 --> 00:14:13,200 They're clearly plotting something. 401 00:14:13,300 --> 00:14:15,067 We need to call dispatch. 402 00:14:15,167 --> 00:14:16,300 No, we're gonna do it. 403 00:14:16,400 --> 00:14:19,067 (gasps) For my reunion. 404 00:14:19,133 --> 00:14:20,067 Okay. 405 00:14:20,167 --> 00:14:21,267 Let's do it. 406 00:14:21,367 --> 00:14:23,800 If we don't die, it's perfect. 407 00:14:25,633 --> 00:14:27,167 Okay. 408 00:14:28,667 --> 00:14:30,767 Yes! She said yes! 409 00:14:32,067 --> 00:14:33,300 What? 410 00:14:33,400 --> 00:14:35,200 I'm buying champagne! 411 00:14:35,300 --> 00:14:36,833 I guess he brought that ring. 412 00:14:36,933 --> 00:14:37,833 Thank you. Congratulations. 413 00:14:37,933 --> 00:14:38,900 Cheers. 414 00:14:39,067 --> 00:14:39,900 Thank you. Thank you. 415 00:14:40,067 --> 00:14:42,067 Ew. 416 00:14:42,133 --> 00:14:44,333 (Abbi gasps) Oh, my God, Ilana, look. 417 00:14:44,433 --> 00:14:45,633 Holy yas. 418 00:14:45,733 --> 00:14:48,200 So warm and moist. 419 00:14:48,300 --> 00:14:50,067 Ew, what, dude? 420 00:14:50,167 --> 00:14:52,500 That's not how to describe a tampon. 421 00:14:52,600 --> 00:14:54,933 Tampons, genius! Ow. 422 00:14:58,067 --> 00:14:59,800 (Winona) We're gonna take 'em down. 423 00:14:59,900 --> 00:15:00,867 I can get the goods 424 00:15:00,967 --> 00:15:02,733 if you create a diversion. 425 00:15:02,833 --> 00:15:04,967 I am great at diversions. 426 00:15:05,067 --> 00:15:06,533 Like, I'm really good at spilling stuff, 427 00:15:06,633 --> 00:15:08,400 and then people stare. 428 00:15:08,500 --> 00:15:09,633 Like, it's not usually on purpose, 429 00:15:09,733 --> 00:15:11,667 but I think that I can swing it. 430 00:15:11,767 --> 00:15:13,667 Shabbat Shalom, mother (bleep). 431 00:15:13,767 --> 00:15:14,700 Yeah! Let's do this! 432 00:15:14,800 --> 00:15:17,100 Yes! (gasping) 433 00:15:17,200 --> 00:15:18,600 Oh, man. 434 00:15:18,700 --> 00:15:19,800 He's a heavy sleeper. 435 00:15:19,900 --> 00:15:21,200 Yeah, he's dead asleep. 436 00:15:21,300 --> 00:15:22,200 Okay. Okay. 437 00:15:22,300 --> 00:15:24,367 (both) Let's do this! 438 00:15:24,467 --> 00:15:26,267 We got this. 439 00:15:26,367 --> 00:15:27,600 I love you. 440 00:15:27,700 --> 00:15:28,933 Okay. 441 00:15:29,067 --> 00:15:32,267 I have to be honest be-- before we do this. 442 00:15:32,367 --> 00:15:34,967 I lost 200 pounds in two years, 443 00:15:35,067 --> 00:15:36,267 and you never said anything. 444 00:15:36,367 --> 00:15:37,867 I beat cancer, and come on, 445 00:15:37,967 --> 00:15:39,700 I was on "Extreme Couponing". 446 00:15:39,800 --> 00:15:43,233 We never talk about me! 447 00:15:43,333 --> 00:15:45,867 So, yes, I love you, 448 00:15:45,967 --> 00:15:47,233 but I don't like you. 449 00:15:50,300 --> 00:15:51,633 I'm okay with that. 450 00:15:53,067 --> 00:15:53,967 Okay. 451 00:15:54,067 --> 00:15:54,967 Let's do this. 452 00:15:55,067 --> 00:15:56,133 Let's do it. 453 00:16:06,867 --> 00:16:11,800 * Hark the herald angels singing * 454 00:16:11,900 --> 00:16:15,533 * Glory to the newborn 455 00:16:15,633 --> 00:16:18,333 (chorus) * Glory to the newborn king 456 00:16:18,433 --> 00:16:22,800 * Peace on earth and mercy mild * 457 00:16:22,900 --> 00:16:27,500 * God and sinners reconciled * 458 00:16:27,600 --> 00:16:32,133 * Joyful all ye nations rise * 459 00:16:32,233 --> 00:16:36,600 * Join the triumph of the skies * 460 00:16:36,700 --> 00:16:41,367 * With angelic host proclaim * 461 00:16:41,467 --> 00:16:43,067 * Christ is born in Bethlehem * 462 00:16:43,133 --> 00:16:45,067 (watch vibrating) 463 00:16:45,100 --> 00:16:47,200 10,000 steps! 464 00:16:47,300 --> 00:16:48,833 Yes! 465 00:16:48,933 --> 00:16:50,500 * ...herald angels sing 466 00:16:50,600 --> 00:16:56,067 * Glory to the newborn king * 467 00:16:58,100 --> 00:17:02,333 * Hail the heaven born prince of peace * 468 00:17:02,433 --> 00:17:03,667 (loud thud) 469 00:17:05,100 --> 00:17:06,933 Class of '96! 470 00:17:15,600 --> 00:17:16,600 Explain it again. 471 00:17:16,700 --> 00:17:19,100 My friend was just trying to get me a tampon. 472 00:17:19,200 --> 00:17:21,067 Your stories are inconsistent. 473 00:17:21,133 --> 00:17:24,400 So we wake up in Wantagh, New Jersey. 474 00:17:24,500 --> 00:17:26,400 Abbi's puking on the side of the road. 475 00:17:26,500 --> 00:17:27,800 No cabs anywhere. 476 00:17:27,900 --> 00:17:29,833 This is our second date, mind you. 477 00:17:29,933 --> 00:17:32,567 She wouldn't call it a date, but, uh... 478 00:17:32,667 --> 00:17:34,067 (laughing) We scheme. 479 00:17:34,100 --> 00:17:35,933 We do scheme. 480 00:17:36,067 --> 00:17:38,233 Your partner hasn't mentioned a tampon once. 481 00:17:38,333 --> 00:17:39,633 Sir, your guess is as good as mine. 482 00:17:39,733 --> 00:17:41,067 (Israeli soldier) You're on Birthmarc, 483 00:17:41,133 --> 00:17:45,667 yet your friend sang a Christian song to create a diversion. 484 00:17:45,767 --> 00:17:47,067 Is she even Jewish? 485 00:17:47,133 --> 00:17:49,167 Honestly, your guess is as good as mine. 486 00:17:49,267 --> 00:17:51,867 Why did you move seats to sit next to a dead man? 487 00:17:51,967 --> 00:17:52,900 That's suspicious. 488 00:17:53,067 --> 00:17:54,100 What? No, no. 489 00:17:54,200 --> 00:17:55,533 He-- He was sleeping. 490 00:17:55,633 --> 00:17:57,633 You-- 491 00:17:57,733 --> 00:17:58,700 Oh, my God. 492 00:17:58,800 --> 00:17:59,700 The dead guy? 493 00:17:59,800 --> 00:18:00,800 Yeah, fully dead. 494 00:18:00,900 --> 00:18:02,200 Nobody wanted the seats 495 00:18:02,300 --> 00:18:04,933 and we had to sit next to each other, obviously, so... 496 00:18:05,067 --> 00:18:06,500 Yeah, it didn't bother me at all. 497 00:18:06,600 --> 00:18:08,400 You said your bag was the bomb. 498 00:18:08,500 --> 00:18:11,900 It is, my bag is the bom-- 499 00:18:12,067 --> 00:18:15,067 Okay, Google "Refinery 29," 500 00:18:15,100 --> 00:18:17,367 in quotes, "Drew Barrymore," in quotes. 501 00:18:17,467 --> 00:18:18,833 It's a life-changing bag, 502 00:18:18,933 --> 00:18:21,833 You were asking passengers for very strange instruments. 503 00:18:21,933 --> 00:18:23,233 Twine, someone's shoelaces, 504 00:18:23,333 --> 00:18:24,400 heavy duty scissors. 505 00:18:24,500 --> 00:18:26,067 To make a tampon. 506 00:18:26,167 --> 00:18:27,967 What, do you think I was making a (bleep) bomb? 507 00:18:28,067 --> 00:18:29,200 Yeah! 508 00:18:29,300 --> 00:18:30,733 You're here for suspicion of terrorist activity. 509 00:18:30,833 --> 00:18:32,933 Terrorism? I thought this was about the weed in my pussy. 510 00:18:37,167 --> 00:18:38,167 What? 511 00:18:40,367 --> 00:18:43,067 God, there's so much turbulence, what is going on? 512 00:18:43,167 --> 00:18:45,233 It's the pilots giving each other head. 513 00:18:45,333 --> 00:18:46,367 Air head. 514 00:18:46,467 --> 00:18:47,400 That's a good one. 515 00:18:47,500 --> 00:18:48,567 Seriously. 516 00:18:48,667 --> 00:18:50,200 Why do you think they call it the cockpit? 517 00:18:50,300 --> 00:18:52,533 (moaning) 518 00:18:53,833 --> 00:18:55,067 (bleep) yeah. 519 00:18:55,167 --> 00:18:58,267 There is just something about doing it in the sky. 520 00:19:06,200 --> 00:19:07,300 So, listen, you know how I wanted 521 00:19:07,400 --> 00:19:08,533 to come on this trip to, like, 522 00:19:08,633 --> 00:19:10,733 experience some sort of spiritual epiphany? 523 00:19:10,833 --> 00:19:12,100 Yeah? 524 00:19:12,200 --> 00:19:16,467 So when the stewardess slammed me down on the ground, 525 00:19:16,567 --> 00:19:19,100 for a moment, I swear I had this, like, 526 00:19:19,200 --> 00:19:24,500 out-of-body experience where I was in... heaven. 527 00:19:24,600 --> 00:19:26,433 You know Jews don't have heaven. 528 00:19:26,533 --> 00:19:28,500 Well, I saw Jesus. 529 00:19:28,600 --> 00:19:29,800 You saw Jesus? 530 00:19:29,900 --> 00:19:31,600 I saw Jesus. 531 00:19:31,700 --> 00:19:34,767 And he was hot and he had a man bun and he was wearing sandals, 532 00:19:34,867 --> 00:19:37,100 and I usually hate sandals and I loved 'em. 533 00:19:37,200 --> 00:19:40,367 Dude, he's like a Jew, but he's not Jew-ish. 534 00:19:40,467 --> 00:19:41,633 Really good for me. 535 00:19:41,733 --> 00:19:43,833 The more you talk about it... 536 00:19:43,933 --> 00:19:45,167 the more right it is. 537 00:19:45,267 --> 00:19:47,467 You know, I really liked your intro before. 538 00:19:47,567 --> 00:19:50,967 I was thinking about it, like, using this trip to find yourself 539 00:19:51,067 --> 00:19:52,700 and find your purpose. 540 00:19:52,800 --> 00:19:54,167 And then when my face was pressed 541 00:19:54,267 --> 00:19:58,967 into the plush carpet of first class, I had this a-ha moment. 542 00:19:59,067 --> 00:20:03,567 I, like, realized what I wanna do with my life. 543 00:20:03,667 --> 00:20:06,033 Ilana, this is huge. 544 00:20:06,133 --> 00:20:09,433 I want to make enough money to fly first class. 545 00:20:11,167 --> 00:20:12,233 Yeah, dude, that's it. 546 00:20:12,333 --> 00:20:13,333 Right? I'm in, yeah, I'm in. 547 00:20:13,433 --> 00:20:15,500 No touching. 548 00:20:15,600 --> 00:20:16,867 And my Birthmarc wish came true. 549 00:20:16,967 --> 00:20:17,933 Now we're sitting together. 550 00:20:18,033 --> 00:20:20,800 And I got to fly with my bag. 551 00:20:20,900 --> 00:20:21,900 And it really is incredible. 552 00:20:22,000 --> 00:20:23,567 It withstood all those bullet holes. 553 00:20:23,667 --> 00:20:26,467 Yeah, Israelis, like, really love their guns. 554 00:20:26,567 --> 00:20:28,100 Guns are so gross. 555 00:20:28,200 --> 00:20:29,667 I'm really relieved we're going back home. 556 00:20:29,767 --> 00:20:32,400 Totally. 557 00:20:32,500 --> 00:20:33,400 Hmm. Hmm. 558 00:20:33,500 --> 00:20:36,133 (plane rattling) 559 00:20:36,233 --> 00:20:38,633 (pilot moaning) 560 00:20:38,733 --> 00:20:40,633 Dassit. 561 00:20:40,733 --> 00:20:42,600 There's actually this restaurant on Steinway 562 00:20:42,700 --> 00:20:46,467 that makes falafel that I heard is even better 563 00:20:46,567 --> 00:20:47,833 than the real deal. 564 00:20:47,933 --> 00:20:49,000 Let's just go there. 565 00:20:49,100 --> 00:20:50,233 Yum. 566 00:20:50,333 --> 00:20:52,467 That sounds perfect. 567 00:20:52,567 --> 00:20:56,167 Ugh, I miss New York. 568 00:20:56,267 --> 00:20:58,767 Wait, so Jesus is a god, right? 569 00:20:58,867 --> 00:21:02,067 God is, like, Daddy God and Jesus is like, the Son God. 570 00:21:02,133 --> 00:21:04,667 So he's really just, like, a hot rich kid. 571 00:21:04,767 --> 00:21:06,267 Totally. 572 00:21:12,767 --> 00:21:14,067 Obviously, I love Santa. 573 00:21:14,100 --> 00:21:15,167 I think he's a (bleep) creep. 574 00:21:15,267 --> 00:21:17,867 You're sneaking into my house? 575 00:21:17,967 --> 00:21:19,333 And, like, you're so obsessed with children? 576 00:21:19,433 --> 00:21:20,633 Grow up. 577 00:21:20,733 --> 00:21:22,433 He is (bleep) sneaking, he's like-- Grow up. 578 00:21:22,533 --> 00:21:24,700 He's like a fat sneak. I know. 579 00:21:24,800 --> 00:21:25,767 You fat sneak. 580 00:21:25,867 --> 00:21:27,167 Whoa. Whoa!