So Jaime's visiting his daddy this weekend.
In Guatemala?
Not his bio father, his daddi with an "i".
Oh, cool.
Which means, I have the place to myself.
Ilana, I'm not doing another séance.
It's like, weird and kinda Christian.
No, I'm gonna sublet my apartment on BnBNYC,
so I can make some money 'cause I don't have a jerb right now.
Is it cool if I crash with you?
(plop, splash) Yeah, it's fine.
Plus, Bevers is in Atlantic City.
Where's Melody?
Oh, my God!
I forgot that Melody was my actual roommate.
What the (bleep) is wrong with me?
Ooh...
You could probably make more money than me.
What if we both list our apartments?
If you get a renter, you stay with me.
If I get a renter, I stay with you.
Either way, we both split the profits,
Thelma and Louise style.
Yes, dude, I really could use the extra cash right now.
I need to re-sole my loafers.
Ooh, cute.
I have a cavus foot.
High arches. I know.
Ballerinas have it. Ballerinas have it.
All right, I'm in.
Kyeah!
Hold on.
(farting) (splashing)
I'm still in.
* Four and three and two and one-one *
**
Here's what I'm saying.
"Queen artisan's nook in tolerable Gowanus.
"Cockroach-free, except for in the bathroom and the kitchen,"
in smaller font.
"Shabby chic meets Brooklyn funk."
Um, I have to say that 'cause of the smell.
Here's mine.
"Treat yourself to a night in picturesque Astoria.
"Stop by the beer garden,
"or stay in and enjoy tasteful interiors
and a stunning view of a white... castle."
I'm gonna post this for $700 a night.
Dude, that is almost a month's rent.
No one's gonna do that.
It's New York, babe.
Get used to it, babe.
Hashtag, tenement life!
Okay, $700.
But I doubt that anyone will--
(computer alerts beeping)
Oh, my gosh, what is happening right now?
Oh, my lady God, thank you.
I am getting so many requests.
Me too, dude, this is crazy.
I say we both do it.
We'll make bank!
Okay, but where would we stay?
What if we stay on my roof?
Oh, my gosh.
I love camping.
Oh, of course you love camping,
(posh accent) 'cause you probably went camping with your father
down the Main Line River
and roasted crackers over a fire you built.
No, I camped at, like, Bonnaroo and Phish festivals.
Oh, can I bum some gas money, man?
I'm just getting right up at hacky sack, man,
I'm good, man.
Jeepers creepers, man.
I need that gas money, m-- (laughing)
**
So the WiFi network is free, it's Halal House,
and the password is "PitaGuest," one word.
But the signal is barely there,
so you gotta get right up on the window, um, to get it.
(phone app translating into Japanese)
And as my ad stated, this rental is all-inclusive,
so please enjoy some dank ganj.
My treat.
Mmm... Colorado.
I really hope you enjoy.
(phone app translating into Japanese)
I'm really sorry.
(Abbi) This is the bedroom.
You probably would call it a boudoir.
(chuckling) Très sympa, très trs très chouette.
This is a map I drew of Astoria, the 'hood.
Okay.
The knife and fork mean it's an affordable restaurant,
and this is a machete.
This is where someone machete'd another person in half,
so I would just avoid that spot.
Okay.
Oh, okay, so this is a disposable camera.
I took half the photos already
and I was thinking maybe you could take the other half,
and then I would get them developed
and then, I could send them to you.
(heavy French accent) I love this.
I see you are, um...
you are romantique, like me.
I am really-- I totally am.
Perhaps you will come in Paris one day
and we'll do it both ways.
I love both ways.
Like, any way, I would do it,
whatever way.
I mean, with the camera. With the camera.
A thing that I established.
It could be the beginning of a special relationship.
Oh, totally.
Ah. Yeah. Attends.
Attends, ne bouge pas.
Oh, voilà.
How you say?
Do you say "leent"?
Leent? Leent.
It's-- Um, it's "lint."
(blowing, chuckling)
**
It's like we're really camping.
Even the wind feels real, right?
The wind's real.
It just feels like we're not in "the shitty."
If we could see the stars, this would be so...
(car horn honking...)
romantic.
Yeah.
I used to love sleepovers when I was a kid.
The first time I ever saw any sex stuff
was at my friend Amina Eltreebee's birthday party.
Did she... do it right in front of you?
No.
We watched "Fear."
Mark Wahlberg, Reese Witherspoon on a roller coaster, he's like--
He's fingering her. What?
He's fingering her.
Fingering.
And then we all thought we had to pee,
but I think everyone was just really horny.
I guess I...
Still confuse that now? Yeah!
I was sleeping over at Gina Pizzollini's house.
Right.
Wake up in the middle of the night,
her stepdad is watching us sleep in his undies.
Stop it.
Eating lasagna.
I just pretended to be asleep until he was finished.
It was so violating.
What do you mean, "until he was finished"?
Oh, finished the lasagna.
But still, it was creepy, you know?
The suburbs, there's like some "American Beauty" shit
going on every corner.
(tent flapping loudly) Whoa.
Oh, my God.
Holy shit!
Hold down the base!
(tent ripping)
(car horns honking, tires screeching)
(glass breaking)
(tires screeching, loud crash)
Oh, shit!
(car horns honking) (woman screaming)
Oh... shit.
(many car horns honking)
Dude, that guy on the gurney is shaking.
On the flipside, he's--
He's on a gurney.
He's not in a body bag.
That's so true.
Okay.
Let's call Lincoln, we'll crash at his place.
(cell phone vibrating)
Hey, Ilana, everything okay?
Yeah, Abbi and I have to crash with you tonight, though.
I can't tonight.
I have someone over.
A...
A girl.
In that case, I should definitely come over
'cause I am a greasy third wheel.
Pop a finger in there.
I'm sorry, Ilana.
No, don't-- Don't be sorry.
This is healthy.
All right. I gotta go.
Later.
I'll be right out.
From slowly peeing.
Definitely not pooping.
(toilet flushing)
Eliot is in Jersey,
'cause Attica's actually got a huge Purina audition.
Wow.
Um, who else?
We need more friends, obviously.
No, we don't.
We don't?
Yeah.
Okay.
Turn on the old noggin.
Come on, give me something good, girl.
Here we go!
Here we go, think, think, think, think, think, think, think...
Our guests are staying until 11:00 AM tomorrow.
All we have to do is stay out until 11:00!
Okay, yes, we live in the city that never sleeps.
Yes. Exactly.
What if we go to that bar where we got mono?
I love that place!
Watch the sunrise and get a romantic breakfast at the diner.
Not the bad diner, though.
Hate the bad diner.
It is close to everything, though.
Should we just go to that one?
Yeah. Okay.
**
* I'm nuts for nuts! *
These taste pretty good, but they smell amazing.
Like, I would wear it as a scent.
(phone alert) Oh.
Dude, my hot French subletter is texting me asking my birthday.
Maybe he wants to send me flowers, or, like,
find out my zodiac sign to see if we're compatible.
Euros are so into numerology.
Madonna got really into it when she moved to London.
Christina!
Yes, you picked up!
Uh, yeah, it's at the 40/40 Club, all right?
Yeah, go up to the bouncer,
say you're there for the Hernandez party, okay?
Free bottles.
Hernandez!
I'm gonna get you back, girl!
Opportunity, batch!
Free bottles?
We gotta take advantage of this.
Let's do it.
Yes!
Get lost.
Good evening, good sir.
We are with the Hernandez party.
**
* 'K friends
* I'm out here getting this money *
* You a lame with no money chasing all these honeys *
* I'm a CEO baby I'm so hood rich *
* Hair done nails did got 'em saying yes bitch *
* Yes bitch
* Every time I go off they like they like *
* Hold up when I walk up to the function *
* Looking real sexy because I'm just trying to bump shit *
* I got all the dudes questionin' me *
* Where I come from
* I think that it's obvious that all these bitches want some *
* Yes bitch
* Yes bitch *
* Every time I go off
* They like they like **
**
God, we are making money while we're clubbing.
Woo!
What is happening?
Dude, I think they know we're crashing.
Watch this.
Hey!
Do you know them?
No.
But in da klerb, we all fam.
What?
In da klerb.
We all fam.
I don't--
In the club, we are all family.
Are you racist?
N-no.
It's 2016.
What? I didn't--
I didn't say anything.
Let's just try to have fun.
Oh, my God, what's wrong with you?
**
* Yeah
* Word to mother
* Knock a brother *
* Then I bust a -- on they money then I hold up *
Hey!
I gotta go pee.
Yeah!
Such a dom.
**
Ooh! Sorry.
Mami Lani wanna climb da beanstalk.
Ab, look-- My security. (laughing)
Jesus, Ilana.
Gingers have souls!
No, I know they do, dude.
That is Blake Griffin!
He plays for the N... B...
A! A?
Oh, my God, no way!
We just met and really hit it off, he's so sweet.
Oh, my God. And he smells so good.
I bet he does.
I bet he'd be a stamp in my sexual passport,
'cause you know, I've never been with
someone over 6'5". Someone over 6'5",
I know! Exactly.
Oh. This is huge.
You know, listen, I'm not gonna leave you here.
What if I make this a threesome?
(phone alert)
I mean... One second.
You know, I really pictured it just us first, experimenting,
but to have a dick around, I'm down.
I don't think it takes away anything from our friendship.
I've just been texting with my subletter, it's not a big deal.
Hold up.
You have a hot piece already in your apartment
who's obviously obsessed with you?
We have been texting, like, texts that could be sexts.
Also, he touched my nipple.
You should go home and satisfy your bon appétit!
You know what?
I am gonna go, 'cause I haven't had sex in a while,
and also, this place is, like...
Really making me horny.
This plan rules. Love you, bitch.
Love you.
Ilana, also, don't forget to stretch!
You got it.
**
(sniffing)
Yeah, that smells good.
Henri?
(gasps)
**
Henri?
Henri, I think we got r--
Henri.
And then I told him my birthday.
And that's the combination.
That was dumb.
Don't blame yourself, okay?
'Cause boys are the worst.
(police radio crackles)
Metro Units, 34th and Steinway.
Unidentified black male
pretending to read book on park bench, probably armed.
Let's roll!
Bye?
You know, like, as an athlete,
I just think it's really important to do, like,
some dynamic stretching before any kind of physical activity.
What if we dynamically... um...
take our clothes off?
Yes, I'm down. Awesome.
I'm so down. Okay, go.
(laughing)
Oh, my God!
That is unreal.
You are joking.
Is... something wrong?
Oh, my God, no!
The opposite of it.
Oh!
It's so much. So much good.
I mean... (kissing fingers)
But it's not gonna, um, work?
I won't be able to... receive you.
Oh.
But what if we get... creative?
Like, what do you have in mind?
I don't know.
But we are gonna find out.
Robbed?
Oh, I'm glad I locked my room.
Bevers, I was hoping that you could come back tonight
just because this BnB NYC guy has my key
and I just feel like, um,
a little uncomfortable staying here by myself.
Sorry, Ab,
the next bus out of Atlantic City isn't 'til morning.
I could FaceTime with you and watch you sleep if that'll help.
All right, bye.
What--
What are we doing?
What's this relationship?
(sighing heavily)
Hey.
* Get it get it drop it low *
* Oh Lord let it go
Yeah, yeah...
* Get it get it drop it low *
* Get up to dance Move something *
* Get it get it Get it get it *
* Get it get it Move something *
* Drop low Drop low *
It's okay, it's okay.
It's okay, it's okay, shh, shh, shh...
(both slurping)
* Work that work that Oh!
* Work that work that Work that work that *
* Work that work that Yeah!
Oh, are you okay? Oh!
* Move something
* Let's go let's go let's go let's go *
I'm so close! Me too!
* Move something *
(doorbell rings)
Hey.
Stay right there.
Clear!
Clear.
Clear!
Seriously, you're all clear.
Thanks, Trey. No problem.
I've always wanted to do that. You know, "clear"?
Right.
You okay?
Yeah, I'm fine.
I'm so sorry I called you so late.
No, I'm so glad you called.
I wouldn't want you here by yourself.
Cool, thank you.
I feel much better that you're here now.
I'm so glad, you know?
No, I'm just, like...
You don't give your key to a stranger
just 'cause he's really cute, you know?
That's a dumb idea.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. It's cool.
I don't know what to do.
It's cool, it's cool.
You know what I do when I'm feeling down?
I pop in a kick-ass DVD, okay?
So, we got...
"Hangover III," honestly, the best one.
"Babe."
Oscar nom.
And my personal favorite, "Ratatouille."
Oh, that'd be cool, but, like, he took my TV and my DVD player.
I anticipated that, so...
My mom got me this portable DVD player for Christmas
so I could watch movies on the subway.
Okay.
Come on.
Cool.
Man, I wish there was a basketball league for women
so I could play.
Well, there is.
It's the... WNBA.
Yeah. Yeah.
The WNBA.
I mean, they are so good.
I literally steal moves from them all the time.
Are you kidding? All the time.
Some of the moves they do, I can't even, like--
I can't even think of in my head.
It's just, like...
the best version of basketball there is.
That's women for you.
Always making stuff better.
**
That is so good, right?
If Remy had a real restaurant,
I would totally go there for my cheat meals.
Don't care that he's a rat. Don't give a shit.
He is so...
special.
That's really cool.
You draw that with paints?
I did, I, like--
I think of it just as, like, a painting.
That's cool.
I really like art, actually.
Really? Yeah.
I would say my favorite painter is probably, um...
Pablo Picasso.
Picasso, baby.
Uh, yeah, he's, like, pretty classic.
Want to see my impression of a Picasso painting?
Yes, I would love to.
Ha ha ha!
Trey, that is really funny.
It kinda hurts.
Oh, my God, I have to show you this video--
I was gonna show you a video on my laptop.
Ahh.
And then that guy stole it today.
Stole that, too... Hey, you know what they say?
You're not a real New Yorker until you've been robbed.
I've been a New Yorker three times, so.
Well, it's getting late.
I should-- I should probably go to bed.
Thank you so much for coming over.
This took my mind off things.
That's what I'm here for.
And you know what? Don't worry.
I'm gonna be here with my Louisville,
so you're totally safe.
Sleep tight.
All right, thanks, Trey.
No problem.
(sighs heavily)
Hey.
(whispering) Bazinga.
I am so sorry that my phone was on "do not disturb."
I love that function.
You must have been so scared here, all alone
and that had just happened.
Um...
Actually...
I was.
I felt really brave, though.
My mom always said that French people hate Jews.
I'm pretty sure it's unrelated, though, right?
Right, he probably didn't know that you were...
Perfect nose.
Uh... I'm...
Dude, ew!
Ohhhh! Ew!
What the (bleep)? What the (bleep)?
A (bleep) condom! Ew!
Ab, this is it!
This could be the key to the whole crime!
This could unlock the whole thing, it's only six to--
Ew!
Six-and-a-half hours old.
Fresh on his tail.
We could find out exactly who this guy is through his DNA!
Trail him down, nail him down!
Fist!
Okay, I don't think that's a good idea, dude.
You didn't see him.
He was dangerous.
Really?
Yeah, we gotta just, like, throw that condom away
and act like we never saw it
and never bring it up again.
You sure?
'Cause, I'm like, this is the whole thing.
I am positive, dude! You didn't see this guy!
He had pecs--
Like, they were bigger than my boobs!
God.
To be that horny and move so efficiently is something that,
you know, even though I hate him, I admire.
So, sex!
Sex with Blake Griffin, dude, you didn't even talk about it.
It wasn't full peena-vageena.
Penis in vagina.
That sucks. Is it-- Was it okay?
It was awesome.
We did stuff that I never even thought of before. Whoa.
All I gotta say, it was nothing but net.
Oh!
And by nothing but net, I mean he fingered me 'til I (bleep).
Wow.
Lincoln loved it, even. He thought it was so hot.
You told Lincoln?
Was he jealous?
I think he was okay with it.
Thank you.
Mm-hmm.
This is Blake Griffin's shoe.
Now I use it as a murse.
A male purse.
We're Eskimo brothers.
Heh heh heh.
Oh, I am so happy to be home.
I have frosting in every one of my crevices.
Ilana?
(coughing)
(woman slowly speaking Japanese)
(phone app, translating) What's up, bitch?