1
00:00:09,400 --> 00:00:10,933
(Ilana)
Okay, so how many
do we have so far?

2
00:00:11,033 --> 00:00:12,433
We're at 59.

3
00:00:12,533 --> 00:00:14,300
(exhales sharply)
Okay.

4
00:00:14,400 --> 00:00:16,033
Brrrr-- 60.

5
00:00:16,133 --> 00:00:17,567
A GIF basket.

6
00:00:17,667 --> 00:00:20,467
It's an app that stores
.GIFs in your phone

7
00:00:20,567 --> 00:00:22,100
so that when you
send a text,

8
00:00:22,200 --> 00:00:23,567
you can send the GIF
faster than your friend.

9
00:00:23,667 --> 00:00:25,100
Love it,
going on the list.

10
00:00:25,200 --> 00:00:26,667
Even though, someone at work
actually told me

11
00:00:26,767 --> 00:00:28,433
it's pronounced
"jiff."

12
00:00:28,533 --> 00:00:29,867
I know, but I am
not doing that.

13
00:00:29,967 --> 00:00:30,933
No,
it's disgusting.

14
00:00:31,033 --> 00:00:32,233
I'm not doing
that either.

15
00:00:32,333 --> 00:00:33,400
Okay,
I have one.

16
00:00:33,500 --> 00:00:37,467
A gynecologist that's also
a bikini waxer.

17
00:00:37,567 --> 00:00:40,500
That is a literal
one-stop pussy shop.

18
00:00:40,600 --> 00:00:41,733
I love it!

19
00:00:41,833 --> 00:00:43,433
I love you,
I love this day.

20
00:00:43,533 --> 00:00:45,933
I think we might actually
be literal geniuses.

21
00:00:46,033 --> 00:00:48,500
Oh, we for sure
are geniuses.

22
00:00:48,600 --> 00:00:49,767
Get this.

23
00:00:49,867 --> 00:00:53,300
A skateboard,
with a handle.

24
00:00:53,400 --> 00:00:55,033
That's, like,
a scooter.

25
00:00:55,133 --> 00:00:56,200
Derr.

26
00:00:56,300 --> 00:00:57,200
Derr, derr,
derr, derr.

27
00:00:57,300 --> 00:00:58,600
Okay,
I have one.

28
00:00:58,700 --> 00:01:01,067
Boots that have magnets on the
bottom, so when you walk around,

29
00:01:01,100 --> 00:01:02,333
you're just
picking up change.

30
00:01:02,433 --> 00:01:03,467
You never need
to bend over.

31
00:01:03,567 --> 00:01:04,700
I love that.

32
00:01:04,800 --> 00:01:07,267
Then I could be the Jewish
stereotype that I am

33
00:01:07,367 --> 00:01:09,100
without being
known for it.

34
00:01:09,200 --> 00:01:11,133
Exactly, dude.

35
00:01:12,633 --> 00:01:14,833
God, this is the most
productive morning of my life.

36
00:01:14,933 --> 00:01:15,833
I feel rejuvenated.

37
00:01:15,933 --> 00:01:16,900
I'm truly alive.

38
00:01:17,067 --> 00:01:18,267
Okay,
we're at 63.

39
00:01:18,367 --> 00:01:19,500
I say we get brunch.

40
00:01:19,600 --> 00:01:21,400
If by brunch, you mean
bodega bacon egg and cheese,

41
00:01:21,500 --> 00:01:22,733
then I am in.

42
00:01:22,833 --> 00:01:24,433
Dass it.

43
00:01:24,533 --> 00:01:26,267
Damn, the park
is serene today.

44
00:01:26,367 --> 00:01:27,500
It's just,
like, beautiful.

45
00:01:27,600 --> 00:01:28,533
Why don't we come
here more?

46
00:01:28,633 --> 00:01:30,067
It's just far.
It is far.

47
00:01:30,133 --> 00:01:32,400
* Four and three
and two and one-one *

48
00:01:32,500 --> 00:01:34,867
**

49
00:01:37,700 --> 00:01:42,067
Swimmers have, like, hard pubes
and shriveled dicks.

50
00:01:42,100 --> 00:01:43,633
Football's,
like, too scary.

51
00:01:43,733 --> 00:01:46,067
Baseball can be hot, but you
need a shortstop or something.

52
00:01:46,167 --> 00:01:47,333
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

53
00:01:47,433 --> 00:01:50,500
For me, it's wrestlers,
gymnasts-- jockeys, bay-bay!

54
00:01:50,600 --> 00:01:53,567
I would ride those tiny
jacked little bodies.

55
00:01:53,667 --> 00:01:55,533
It's like me,
but, like, a boy.

56
00:01:55,633 --> 00:01:56,567
You okay?

57
00:01:56,667 --> 00:01:57,767
Like, I don't want
to go today.

58
00:01:57,867 --> 00:01:59,833
It's gonna
suck so bad.

59
00:02:00,067 --> 00:02:00,900
Listen.

60
00:02:01,067 --> 00:02:02,833
This day comes
for all of us.

61
00:02:02,933 --> 00:02:07,233
You must get
your license renewed.

62
00:02:07,333 --> 00:02:09,733
At the DMV.

63
00:02:09,833 --> 00:02:11,167
V, V, V...

64
00:02:11,267 --> 00:02:13,067
It sucks,
but you are gonna kill it.

65
00:02:13,100 --> 00:02:14,267
All right,
yeah.

66
00:02:14,367 --> 00:02:16,900
In the span of your whole
lifetime, it's a second.

67
00:02:17,067 --> 00:02:19,300
But in reality,
it'll be, like, 12 hours.

68
00:02:19,400 --> 00:02:21,200
You know what?
You're right.

69
00:02:21,300 --> 00:02:22,233
This could be
exciting.

70
00:02:22,333 --> 00:02:23,300
You know why?

71
00:02:23,400 --> 00:02:24,667
This is
gonna be the time

72
00:02:24,767 --> 00:02:26,867
that I take a license photo
that is good.

73
00:02:26,967 --> 00:02:28,867
'Course you are.
With that ass?

74
00:02:28,967 --> 00:02:30,733
They don't let you put
your ass in the photo.

75
00:02:30,833 --> 00:02:32,067
They really should.

76
00:02:32,100 --> 00:02:34,900
I know you from your ass
better than I know your face.

77
00:02:35,067 --> 00:02:38,300
You know me from my ass better
than you know me from my face?

78
00:02:38,400 --> 00:02:40,400
Yep, and hearing it
said back to me slower

79
00:02:40,500 --> 00:02:41,633
only validates
it more.

80
00:02:41,733 --> 00:02:42,967
Okay.

81
00:02:43,067 --> 00:02:46,300
Well, we are just two sangle
gals doing our thang today.

82
00:02:46,400 --> 00:02:49,200
I applied for over three jobs
and haven't gotten any.

83
00:02:49,300 --> 00:02:51,633
Today is all
about that hustle.

84
00:02:51,733 --> 00:02:52,633
All right,
I'll see ya.

85
00:02:52,733 --> 00:02:54,533
I gotta go
this way.
Ilana!

86
00:02:54,633 --> 00:02:56,300
Love that lip color.
Oh, thanks.

87
00:02:56,400 --> 00:02:57,967
I found it,
it was a rescue.

88
00:02:58,067 --> 00:02:59,300
You found it?

89
00:02:59,400 --> 00:03:01,567
Yeah, there was more than half
left, so I cut the top off.

90
00:03:01,667 --> 00:03:04,700
You don't... buy new.
Do you?

91
00:03:04,800 --> 00:03:06,133
No, that's
disgusting.

92
00:03:06,233 --> 00:03:07,467
All right.

93
00:03:07,567 --> 00:03:09,233
Later,
bitch!

94
00:03:12,267 --> 00:03:14,867
So I need my hair to look
perfect for this photo.

95
00:03:14,967 --> 00:03:16,267
I gotcha, girl.

96
00:03:16,367 --> 00:03:17,867
You're gonna look just like
a "Bachelor" contestant.

97
00:03:17,967 --> 00:03:19,433
Oh, uh, no...

98
00:03:19,533 --> 00:03:21,700
No, but one that quits 'cause
she's too good for the show.

99
00:03:21,800 --> 00:03:24,867
Okay, yes,
that is perfect.

100
00:03:24,967 --> 00:03:27,133
For real, every single
professional photo

101
00:03:27,233 --> 00:03:30,967
I have ever taken my whole life
has come out horrible.

102
00:03:31,067 --> 00:03:32,800
Everyone says that.
No, they are.

103
00:03:32,900 --> 00:03:34,200
I have them all
on my phone.

104
00:03:34,300 --> 00:03:36,633
Great, so this is
my last license photo.

105
00:03:36,733 --> 00:03:38,067
You see,
it's like...

106
00:03:38,133 --> 00:03:39,367
Trying showing
that to the cops

107
00:03:39,467 --> 00:03:40,667
every time you get
pulled over, huh?

108
00:03:40,767 --> 00:03:41,767
This is
my senior photo.

109
00:03:41,867 --> 00:03:42,933
That's gross.

110
00:03:43,067 --> 00:03:45,300
It's like, I had braces
for a very long time.

111
00:03:45,400 --> 00:03:47,567
Braces cut up the whole
inside of my mouth.

112
00:03:47,667 --> 00:03:48,867
No one ever
tells you that.

113
00:03:48,967 --> 00:03:50,533
This is my homecoming
photo,

114
00:03:50,633 --> 00:03:51,967
with my
high school boyfriend.

115
00:03:52,067 --> 00:03:52,967
Ooh.

116
00:03:53,067 --> 00:03:54,300
You think he was gay?

117
00:03:54,400 --> 00:03:56,500
Um, I don't like to go off
of looks, but I mean--

118
00:03:56,600 --> 00:03:57,633
He was gay.
Yeah, he was gay.

119
00:03:57,733 --> 00:03:58,767
I didn't know.

120
00:03:58,867 --> 00:04:00,600
But then everybody knew,
you know?
Yeah.

121
00:04:00,700 --> 00:04:02,433
Like, all
the teachers knew, too.
Wow.

122
00:04:02,533 --> 00:04:04,700
And he's actually
a billionaire now.

123
00:04:04,800 --> 00:04:06,067
In Idaho, yeah.

124
00:04:06,100 --> 00:04:07,600
Oh, this is
my passport photo.

125
00:04:07,700 --> 00:04:08,733
Is that a bee?

126
00:04:08,833 --> 00:04:09,900
Yeah,
that is a bee.

127
00:04:10,067 --> 00:04:11,067
Ooh.

128
00:04:11,167 --> 00:04:12,933
This bee followed me around
Astoria for 30 days.

129
00:04:13,067 --> 00:04:14,900
Oh, my gosh.
What?

130
00:04:15,067 --> 00:04:16,067
I can't believe
I almost forgot.

131
00:04:16,100 --> 00:04:18,067
Deals, Deals, Deals coupon
for this haircut.

132
00:04:18,100 --> 00:04:19,833
This makes your haircut
like $15.

133
00:04:19,933 --> 00:04:21,733
I know.
How amazing is that?

134
00:04:21,833 --> 00:04:22,933
I guess, um...

135
00:04:23,067 --> 00:04:24,067
Well, then we'll
get started.

136
00:04:24,100 --> 00:04:26,567
So I was thinking some layers,
maybe, um...

137
00:04:26,667 --> 00:04:29,500
And we are done.

138
00:04:29,600 --> 00:04:30,500
Are we?

139
00:04:30,600 --> 00:04:31,700
Yeah.

140
00:04:35,700 --> 00:04:37,400
Ow,
my subluxation!

141
00:04:37,500 --> 00:04:38,500
Oh!

142
00:04:38,600 --> 00:04:40,067
Oh, no!

143
00:04:42,367 --> 00:04:44,767
Ladies and
gentle dudes.

144
00:04:44,867 --> 00:04:46,333
I've fallen on hard times.

145
00:04:46,433 --> 00:04:48,933
After graduating
from New York University,

146
00:04:49,067 --> 00:04:51,900
I lost my job at
an Internet startup.

147
00:04:52,067 --> 00:04:53,067
Deals, Deals, Deals.

148
00:04:53,167 --> 00:04:55,100
Check 'em out,
I bear them no ill will.

149
00:04:55,200 --> 00:04:58,100
Anyway, I'm not panhandling,
I'm just performing for tips.

150
00:04:58,200 --> 00:05:00,200
Tip if you like,
you know, no presh.

151
00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:01,733
Here we go.

152
00:05:01,833 --> 00:05:04,367
(tap dancing)

153
00:05:15,267 --> 00:05:16,767
Thank you so much.

154
00:05:16,867 --> 00:05:18,733
Thank you so much
for your generosity.

155
00:05:23,633 --> 00:05:24,733
Oh, my God, Ilana.

156
00:05:24,833 --> 00:05:25,867
Eliot!

157
00:05:25,967 --> 00:05:27,233
I didn't know you
take the A train.

158
00:05:27,333 --> 00:05:28,233
Hi.

159
00:05:28,333 --> 00:05:29,633
Ilana, I was filming you
for my Tumblr.

160
00:05:29,733 --> 00:05:31,200
Oh, my God.
Me?

161
00:05:31,300 --> 00:05:32,733
For Q Believe This Idiot.
Tumblr.com?

162
00:05:32,833 --> 00:05:33,967
Here, get
a better one?

163
00:05:34,067 --> 00:05:35,933
No, you idiot--
Oh, my God.

164
00:05:36,067 --> 00:05:37,433
Mom doesn't know
you got fired

165
00:05:37,533 --> 00:05:38,967
and I'm getting tired
of covering for you.

166
00:05:39,067 --> 00:05:40,267
You need to get
a real job.

167
00:05:40,367 --> 00:05:41,533
I mean, you were born
in the '90s.

168
00:05:41,633 --> 00:05:43,900
I'm sure you've got
a Flappy Bird in you.

169
00:05:44,067 --> 00:05:47,367
Eliot, this
is a real job.

170
00:05:47,467 --> 00:05:50,267
(man's voice)
Stand clear of the closing
doors, please. (doors chime)

171
00:05:50,367 --> 00:05:51,267
Thank you.

172
00:05:51,367 --> 00:05:52,767
You see?
Yeah, honestly,

173
00:05:52,867 --> 00:05:55,100
you not listening to me
about this is homophobic.

174
00:05:55,200 --> 00:05:56,100
It is?

175
00:05:56,200 --> 00:05:58,967
No, it's not,
but get a job.

176
00:05:59,067 --> 00:06:01,167
I knew you were right
before I did the flip.

177
00:06:05,767 --> 00:06:07,833
Oh that's not so bad.

178
00:06:09,467 --> 00:06:11,400
Oh, God.

179
00:06:16,800 --> 00:06:18,900
Oh.

180
00:06:21,067 --> 00:06:23,333
G-42.

181
00:06:23,433 --> 00:06:25,167
Picture of a hammer?

182
00:06:28,833 --> 00:06:30,833
It's me!
(cackling wildly)

183
00:06:30,933 --> 00:06:33,433
That's me!
(cackling)

184
00:06:33,533 --> 00:06:35,400
I can't believe...

185
00:06:35,500 --> 00:06:38,333
I'm free!
(laughing insanely)

186
00:06:38,433 --> 00:06:39,333
Oh, my God.

187
00:06:39,433 --> 00:06:42,167
(woman continues cackling)

188
00:06:45,967 --> 00:06:48,433
(Ilana)
Come on--
you're a temp agency.

189
00:06:48,533 --> 00:06:49,600
Look, I've asked you
three times.

190
00:06:49,700 --> 00:06:50,600
Just please leave.

191
00:06:50,700 --> 00:06:53,167
I can't,
I need a job.

192
00:06:53,267 --> 00:06:54,367
(gulping)

193
00:06:54,467 --> 00:06:56,067
A real job.

194
00:06:56,133 --> 00:06:59,067
No, every time I try to help
you, it turns into a disaster.

195
00:06:59,133 --> 00:07:00,900
The Chinese food?
I was hungry.

196
00:07:01,067 --> 00:07:02,400
The plane tickets?
I was thirsty.

197
00:07:02,500 --> 00:07:03,400
The door?

198
00:07:03,500 --> 00:07:05,233
I did not know
it was a door.

199
00:07:05,333 --> 00:07:06,900
That shape.
You know what?

200
00:07:07,067 --> 00:07:08,267
My life is just a mess
right now anyways, okay?

201
00:07:08,367 --> 00:07:09,667
Between you
and me, the--

202
00:07:09,767 --> 00:07:11,167
I'm barely hanging on
to this business as it is.

203
00:07:11,267 --> 00:07:13,167
No.
See this tooth?

204
00:07:13,267 --> 00:07:14,233
Dead.

205
00:07:14,333 --> 00:07:15,633
(microwave dings)

206
00:07:19,433 --> 00:07:21,667
Is it supposed to take more than
three days to heat up a potato?

207
00:07:21,767 --> 00:07:22,733
I don't think so.

208
00:07:22,833 --> 00:07:25,200
See? Everything in
my life is broken.

209
00:07:25,300 --> 00:07:27,067
Plus, I'm two months
pregnant.

210
00:07:27,133 --> 00:07:28,667
Two?!
Yeah.

211
00:07:28,767 --> 00:07:30,733
I probably shouldn't even
be telling people yet.

212
00:07:30,833 --> 00:07:34,633
Ugh, what is happening
to my life?

213
00:07:34,733 --> 00:07:36,067
Will you just
come lay with me?

214
00:07:36,100 --> 00:07:37,167
Just...

215
00:07:37,267 --> 00:07:38,233
hold my hand?

216
00:07:38,333 --> 00:07:40,567
Um...

217
00:07:40,667 --> 00:07:41,967
Yeah.

218
00:07:44,233 --> 00:07:47,467
Maybe I should just
chuck it all and start over.

219
00:07:47,567 --> 00:07:50,533
Do you know
of any good jobs?

220
00:07:50,633 --> 00:07:52,167
No...

221
00:07:52,267 --> 00:07:54,633
Do you?

222
00:08:02,133 --> 00:08:03,333
(in pain)
Oh! Ahh!

223
00:08:11,200 --> 00:08:13,233
(flies buzzing)

224
00:08:18,100 --> 00:08:19,733
(whispering)
Hey. Hey.

225
00:08:19,833 --> 00:08:22,733
(whispers)
Yeah? Want some?

226
00:08:26,167 --> 00:08:27,100
(electronic chime)

227
00:08:28,467 --> 00:08:29,867
That's my number!
There's mine!

228
00:08:29,967 --> 00:08:30,867
I win!
Oh, excuse me.

229
00:08:30,967 --> 00:08:32,833
Hi, Abbi Abrams,
finally.

230
00:08:32,933 --> 00:08:34,333
Smile on the
count of three.

231
00:08:34,433 --> 00:08:37,467
Okay, hold--
Just hold-- Okay.

232
00:08:37,567 --> 00:08:38,767
Face forward,
please.

233
00:08:38,867 --> 00:08:40,633
Can't we just do, like,
a sideways, like,

234
00:08:40,733 --> 00:08:42,100
pouty,
cool thing?

235
00:08:42,200 --> 00:08:43,500
You have to
face forward.

236
00:08:43,600 --> 00:08:44,967
It's regulation.

237
00:08:45,067 --> 00:08:46,933
Or we could just
use your old photo.

238
00:08:47,067 --> 00:08:48,600
No, no, no, no.

239
00:08:48,700 --> 00:08:49,600
Okay.

240
00:08:49,700 --> 00:08:50,867
Can you just
count me down?

241
00:08:50,967 --> 00:08:52,767
'Cause I can only face forward
for, like, a second.

242
00:08:52,867 --> 00:08:54,167
Three...

243
00:08:54,267 --> 00:08:55,633
Two...

244
00:08:55,733 --> 00:08:56,833
One.

245
00:08:56,933 --> 00:08:59,267
(neck crunching)
Oh!

246
00:09:01,933 --> 00:09:03,733
Repeat after me.

247
00:09:03,833 --> 00:09:05,567
I am
a badass queen.

248
00:09:05,667 --> 00:09:07,900
I am
a badass queen.

249
00:09:08,067 --> 00:09:09,900
Kyuh, kyuh, kyuh!

250
00:09:10,067 --> 00:09:11,533
Kyuh, kyuh, kyuh!

251
00:09:11,633 --> 00:09:13,133
That was great.

252
00:09:13,233 --> 00:09:14,700
Thank you.
Thank you so much.

253
00:09:14,800 --> 00:09:15,700
You're very welcome.

254
00:09:15,800 --> 00:09:16,867
You are so wise.

255
00:09:16,967 --> 00:09:19,200
You have so much insight.
You know what?

256
00:09:19,300 --> 00:09:21,367
I have the perfect job
for you.
Social worker?

257
00:09:21,467 --> 00:09:22,367
Bike messenger.

258
00:09:22,467 --> 00:09:23,667
Even better.

259
00:09:23,767 --> 00:09:25,967
Yass!

260
00:09:28,600 --> 00:09:30,167
Ass, ass,
ass, ass.

261
00:09:30,267 --> 00:09:32,833
Ass, ass, ass, ass.

262
00:09:32,933 --> 00:09:34,367
Here you go!

263
00:09:34,467 --> 00:09:35,800
This isn't
for me!

264
00:09:35,900 --> 00:09:37,867
Oh, yes it is!

265
00:09:37,967 --> 00:09:39,200
How did she
do that?

266
00:09:39,300 --> 00:09:42,067
(cell phone vibrating)

267
00:09:42,167 --> 00:09:43,233
Hey.

268
00:09:43,333 --> 00:09:45,400
Dude, my purpose
was revealed to me today.

269
00:09:45,500 --> 00:09:46,733
From God.

270
00:09:46,833 --> 00:09:48,400
Uh, what, dude?
Where are you?

271
00:09:48,500 --> 00:09:50,567
I'm bike messengering.
I have been for, like, an hour.

272
00:09:50,667 --> 00:09:51,700
My ass is v. sore,

273
00:09:51,800 --> 00:09:53,500
but that's what you get
when you're BM queen.

274
00:09:53,600 --> 00:09:55,800
I don't know if you should call
yourself a BM queen, right?

275
00:09:55,900 --> 00:09:56,833
I mean it both ways.

276
00:09:56,933 --> 00:09:58,833
Where are you?
How's that pic?

277
00:09:58,933 --> 00:10:01,567
It was horrible, so,
I threw my neck out.

278
00:10:01,667 --> 00:10:03,000
Oh...

279
00:10:03,100 --> 00:10:04,300
I threw my neck out

280
00:10:04,400 --> 00:10:06,867
and I think I need to go
to the chiropractor, so.

281
00:10:06,967 --> 00:10:07,867
Oh, my God.

282
00:10:07,967 --> 00:10:09,367
Drop a pin,
I'll pick you up.

283
00:10:09,467 --> 00:10:11,467
It would be an honor to deliver
the most precious package

284
00:10:11,567 --> 00:10:12,967
in all of
New York City.

285
00:10:13,067 --> 00:10:14,367
Dat ass.

286
00:10:16,567 --> 00:10:18,300
(whimpering)
Oh...

287
00:10:18,400 --> 00:10:19,800
(car honking)

288
00:10:19,900 --> 00:10:23,267
**

289
00:10:23,367 --> 00:10:24,667
Ow!

290
00:10:24,767 --> 00:10:25,900
* There she is

291
00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:29,033
* The most beautiful girl
in the world *

292
00:10:29,133 --> 00:10:30,067
Shit.

293
00:10:30,167 --> 00:10:31,167
Yikes.

294
00:10:31,267 --> 00:10:32,500
That's bad!

295
00:10:32,600 --> 00:10:34,900
We gotta go really slow, because
I really (bleep) my neck.

296
00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:37,667
You won't even know
you're on a bike.

297
00:10:37,767 --> 00:10:38,900
Ahh!

298
00:10:39,000 --> 00:10:40,633
I'm definitely
on a bike!

299
00:10:40,733 --> 00:10:41,967
Oh, shit!

300
00:10:42,067 --> 00:10:44,200
Oh, my God,
slow down, dude!

301
00:10:44,300 --> 00:10:45,533
Thank you so much,
Dr. Heller,

302
00:10:45,633 --> 00:10:46,967
you're really
saving my life today.

303
00:10:47,067 --> 00:10:50,567
You need to be sure you're
taking care of yourself, Abbi.

304
00:10:50,667 --> 00:10:51,633
(cracking)
Ow.

305
00:10:51,733 --> 00:10:52,767
You getting
enough sleep?

306
00:10:52,867 --> 00:10:54,633
Well, I mostly tussle,
but I think I'm getting,

307
00:10:54,733 --> 00:10:57,567
like, a solid six hours
of tussling per night.

308
00:10:57,667 --> 00:10:58,800
(cracking)
Oh!

309
00:10:58,900 --> 00:11:00,867
And I know your work
is very important

310
00:11:00,967 --> 00:11:03,300
and actually, somebody just
bought one of your drawings

311
00:11:03,400 --> 00:11:05,100
off my wall.
I saw!

312
00:11:05,200 --> 00:11:06,533
Last week,
about $45.

313
00:11:06,633 --> 00:11:07,533
Yeah.

314
00:11:07,633 --> 00:11:08,600
That covers
your co-pay,

315
00:11:08,700 --> 00:11:10,300
so that means this
appointment is for free.

316
00:11:10,400 --> 00:11:12,267
Yes!
Yes.

317
00:11:12,367 --> 00:11:13,833
(cracking, farting)
Oh!

318
00:11:13,933 --> 00:11:15,533
Oh, good.

319
00:11:15,633 --> 00:11:17,600
Good,
that's very healthy.

320
00:11:17,700 --> 00:11:18,867
I'm sorry.

321
00:11:18,967 --> 00:11:20,967
And next time, when you make
an appointment at the DMV,

322
00:11:21,067 --> 00:11:22,200
do it online.

323
00:11:22,300 --> 00:11:24,200
That way when you get there,
it just takes a minute.

324
00:11:24,300 --> 00:11:25,333
Wait.
Wait, what?

325
00:11:25,433 --> 00:11:26,400
Oh!

326
00:11:26,500 --> 00:11:27,533
Lie down, lie down again,
lie down again.

327
00:11:27,633 --> 00:11:28,867
You did it again.

328
00:11:28,967 --> 00:11:30,967
(cracking)
Ow.

329
00:11:31,067 --> 00:11:32,567
I'm proud of you.

330
00:11:32,667 --> 00:11:33,967
Wait--

331
00:11:34,067 --> 00:11:36,367
What do you mean you can make an
online reservation at the DMV?

332
00:11:36,467 --> 00:11:38,300
Yes, of course you can!
This is 2016.

333
00:11:38,400 --> 00:11:40,267
The DMV is
actually very nice now.

334
00:11:40,367 --> 00:11:42,200
I don't understand that
you don't know this.

335
00:11:42,300 --> 00:11:44,600
Well, I don't know
the Internet that well.

336
00:11:44,700 --> 00:11:47,200
Look at that, 4:45, you have
one last appointment today.

337
00:11:47,300 --> 00:11:48,533
You can still
make it, look.

338
00:11:48,633 --> 00:11:49,533
Holy shit!

339
00:11:49,633 --> 00:11:52,867
Wait a minute.

340
00:11:52,967 --> 00:11:53,933
What are you...
(scissors snipping)

341
00:11:54,067 --> 00:11:55,933
Look, look at this.

342
00:11:56,067 --> 00:11:57,600
You're
a miracle worker.

343
00:11:57,700 --> 00:11:58,700
Now go get 'em.

344
00:11:58,800 --> 00:12:00,467
Thanks, Dr. Heller.
Love you.

345
00:12:00,567 --> 00:12:02,933
I mean, I'll see you
at our next appointment.

346
00:12:03,067 --> 00:12:05,700
Hey, I love you, too.

347
00:12:15,100 --> 00:12:16,400
Hi.

348
00:12:17,933 --> 00:12:19,800
Wow, I love
your whole deal.

349
00:12:19,900 --> 00:12:20,833
Mm-hmm.

350
00:12:20,933 --> 00:12:24,067
Anyway, I'm delivering
a package for...

351
00:12:27,267 --> 00:12:28,533
Where dis?

352
00:12:28,633 --> 00:12:30,167
It's Hillary Clinton's
campaign headquarters.

353
00:12:30,267 --> 00:12:31,500
(echoing)
Headquarters, headquarters...

354
00:12:31,600 --> 00:12:36,900
(choir starts singing
majestically)

355
00:12:43,700 --> 00:12:44,633
Mm!

356
00:12:47,067 --> 00:12:49,067
Ha-ahh!

357
00:12:50,667 --> 00:12:51,567
Wow.

358
00:12:51,667 --> 00:12:52,567
Are you guys hiring?

359
00:12:52,667 --> 00:12:53,567
Do you have
a CV?

360
00:12:53,667 --> 00:12:54,933
A...
coconut vice?

361
00:12:55,067 --> 00:12:56,833
A resumé?
Oh.

362
00:12:56,933 --> 00:13:01,800
Um, it is saved on my photo
stream for cases like this.

363
00:13:01,900 --> 00:13:02,833
Just don't swipe
right.

364
00:13:02,933 --> 00:13:04,200
I just accidentally
swiped right.

365
00:13:04,300 --> 00:13:05,400
Okay.

366
00:13:05,500 --> 00:13:08,067
Great.
Can you start today?

367
00:13:08,100 --> 00:13:09,300
Great.

368
00:13:09,400 --> 00:13:10,633
You should probably see
a doctor about that rash.

369
00:13:10,733 --> 00:13:11,867
I know
what it is,

370
00:13:11,967 --> 00:13:13,833
I'm just tracking the progress,
thank you so much.

371
00:13:13,933 --> 00:13:16,067
Ilana Wexler
and Hillary Clinton?

372
00:13:16,167 --> 00:13:18,933
Two powerful whomen
whorking as whone?

373
00:13:19,067 --> 00:13:20,900
Well, you'll never
see her, but, sure.

374
00:13:21,067 --> 00:13:22,433
I'm not so sure.
I'm pretty sure.

375
00:13:22,533 --> 00:13:24,100
Yeah, you're--
You're probably right.

376
00:13:24,200 --> 00:13:25,167
Over the next few weeks,

377
00:13:25,267 --> 00:13:27,433
we are gonna push hard
toward the primary.

378
00:13:27,533 --> 00:13:30,733
We are gonna call every
registered Democratic voter,

379
00:13:30,833 --> 00:13:33,300
we are gonna confirm the
location of their polling place.

380
00:13:33,400 --> 00:13:34,733
Every vote counts.

381
00:13:34,833 --> 00:13:36,767
Yas, yas, yas,
yas, yas!

382
00:13:36,867 --> 00:13:38,067
Thank you.

383
00:13:38,167 --> 00:13:40,767
But just remind them succinctly
that a vote for Hillary

384
00:13:40,867 --> 00:13:42,767
is a vote
for the working class.

385
00:13:42,867 --> 00:13:44,133
And minorities.

386
00:13:44,233 --> 00:13:46,533
You know, your caramels,
your queers, your Ls, your Gs,

387
00:13:46,633 --> 00:13:48,267
your Bs, your Ts,
your Qs.

388
00:13:48,367 --> 00:13:50,267
Vets, right?
Babies.

389
00:13:50,367 --> 00:13:51,400
The--
The handi-capable.

390
00:13:51,500 --> 00:13:52,400
Yes!

391
00:13:52,500 --> 00:13:53,533
Thank you,
Ms. um...?

392
00:13:53,633 --> 00:13:55,567
Ilana...
Rodham Wexler.

393
00:13:55,667 --> 00:13:57,100
I love your enthusiasm,

394
00:13:57,200 --> 00:14:00,100
but how about the next time you
have the impulse to say "yas,"

395
00:14:00,200 --> 00:14:02,333
you could just nod.

396
00:14:04,300 --> 00:14:05,867
So back
to cold-calling.

397
00:14:05,967 --> 00:14:09,100
It's really important to remind
people of Hillary's service.

398
00:14:09,200 --> 00:14:11,767
Not only was she
Secretary of State.

399
00:14:11,867 --> 00:14:13,233
She was a practicing
lawyer.

400
00:14:13,333 --> 00:14:17,067
She expanded health insurance
for lower income families.

401
00:14:17,167 --> 00:14:19,100
And she's won a Grammy.

402
00:14:19,200 --> 00:14:20,500
Oh...

403
00:14:20,600 --> 00:14:21,667
(gasping deeply)

404
00:14:23,533 --> 00:14:25,100
I did not
know that.

405
00:14:25,200 --> 00:14:29,367
We do not answer
questions on: Make-up.

406
00:14:29,467 --> 00:14:30,767
Bras.

407
00:14:30,867 --> 00:14:32,067
Panties.

408
00:14:32,100 --> 00:14:34,167
Um, lastly,
some answers

409
00:14:34,267 --> 00:14:36,833
to some common questions
we get on calls.

410
00:14:36,933 --> 00:14:40,167
No, Hillary does not cry
at the office.

411
00:14:40,267 --> 00:14:42,433
Yes, Hillary
can read a map.

412
00:14:42,533 --> 00:14:45,500
No, Hillary will not enforce
male birth control

413
00:14:45,600 --> 00:14:48,367
or male pregnancy,
as that is not a thing.

414
00:14:48,467 --> 00:14:50,733
And no, Hillary
is not a witch.

415
00:14:50,833 --> 00:14:52,867
Do people seriously
ask this stuff?

416
00:14:52,967 --> 00:14:54,467
Every day.

417
00:14:55,500 --> 00:14:57,900
Every day!

418
00:14:58,067 --> 00:14:59,633
I guess they do.

419
00:15:11,267 --> 00:15:14,433
(harp playing)
What is happening?

420
00:15:18,067 --> 00:15:20,067
May I?

421
00:15:20,133 --> 00:15:21,800
Everything you see,
you can taste.

422
00:15:21,900 --> 00:15:26,367
Go ahead,
try it.

423
00:15:26,467 --> 00:15:27,833
It's delicious.

424
00:15:27,933 --> 00:15:28,967
I'm happy
to hear.

425
00:15:29,067 --> 00:15:30,500
Right this way,
Miss Abrams.

426
00:15:30,600 --> 00:15:32,533
Dark chocolate, milk chocolate,
white chocolate.

427
00:15:32,633 --> 00:15:33,733
Oh, look,
it's a chocolate fountain

428
00:15:33,833 --> 00:15:35,700
and the flowers
are edible-- (laughing)

429
00:15:35,800 --> 00:15:37,233
Victoria, look,
it's Miss Abrams.

430
00:15:37,333 --> 00:15:40,400
We've been waiting
for you.

431
00:15:40,500 --> 00:15:41,800
Look, the strawberries
match the carpet.

432
00:15:41,900 --> 00:15:44,300
They match the carpet,
they're both red!

433
00:15:44,400 --> 00:15:46,967
May I say, what gorgeous hair
you're gracing us with today?

434
00:15:47,067 --> 00:15:47,967
Thank you.

435
00:15:48,067 --> 00:15:49,467
My, uh--
My chiropractor did it.

436
00:15:49,567 --> 00:15:52,633
(laughing)
Oh, you're hilarious.

437
00:15:52,733 --> 00:15:55,533
I daresay you're the funniest
person I've ever met.

438
00:15:55,633 --> 00:15:57,067
Stop.

439
00:15:57,100 --> 00:15:58,300
This is
unbelievable.

440
00:15:58,400 --> 00:15:59,333
Believe it.

441
00:15:59,433 --> 00:16:02,733
This is the DMV
the way it can be.

442
00:16:02,833 --> 00:16:05,067
They are ready
for you now.
Okay.

443
00:16:05,167 --> 00:16:06,700
But, why don't you have
a massage first?

444
00:16:06,800 --> 00:16:08,800
They can wait.

445
00:16:08,900 --> 00:16:09,800
Okay.

446
00:16:09,900 --> 00:16:11,067
Thank you.

447
00:16:11,167 --> 00:16:12,133
Hi.

448
00:16:12,233 --> 00:16:14,433
(harp continues playing)

449
00:16:16,233 --> 00:16:17,733
I know, it's like,

450
00:16:17,833 --> 00:16:19,933
(in baby voice)
"Pweeze, Mr. Cwusty
Old White Man,

451
00:16:20,067 --> 00:16:22,267
"can I pweeze
keep my ovawies?"

452
00:16:22,367 --> 00:16:24,200
All right, bitch, you better
vote-- Text me when you do.

453
00:16:24,300 --> 00:16:25,200
Peace.
(hangs up)

454
00:16:25,300 --> 00:16:27,067
Was that
a personal call?
No.

455
00:16:27,133 --> 00:16:29,067
Uh, this woman
was bovo'ing out

456
00:16:29,133 --> 00:16:30,433
'cause she didn't know where to
vote and I was like, I got you.

457
00:16:30,533 --> 00:16:31,600
Great.

458
00:16:32,933 --> 00:16:35,600
Hi, I'm calling on behalf
of Hillary Rodham Clinton.

459
00:16:35,700 --> 00:16:37,300
No, she's not
a witch.

460
00:16:37,400 --> 00:16:39,333
Um...
Do I sound like her?

461
00:16:43,433 --> 00:16:44,333
Ready?

462
00:16:44,433 --> 00:16:48,367
I've never been
more ready.

463
00:16:48,467 --> 00:16:50,967
We got it.

464
00:16:51,067 --> 00:16:55,367
Let's do one more,
for me.

465
00:16:55,467 --> 00:16:56,600
Wow.

466
00:16:56,700 --> 00:16:57,933
Yeah.
Really?

467
00:16:58,067 --> 00:16:58,933
Yeah.

468
00:16:59,067 --> 00:17:00,767
Are you a model?

469
00:17:00,867 --> 00:17:01,767
You could be.

470
00:17:01,867 --> 00:17:03,333
Take his card.
Call me.

471
00:17:03,433 --> 00:17:04,333
Cool.

472
00:17:04,433 --> 00:17:05,933
I mean, yeah, sure,
maybe I will.

473
00:17:06,067 --> 00:17:07,067
I will.

474
00:17:07,100 --> 00:17:08,200
No, you can
call a man a bitch.

475
00:17:08,300 --> 00:17:09,200
Later, bitch.

476
00:17:09,300 --> 00:17:10,433
Uh, Ilana?
Yep?

477
00:17:10,533 --> 00:17:13,267
Hi, I found this on my desk,
it has your name on it?

478
00:17:13,367 --> 00:17:14,467
And it says,

479
00:17:14,567 --> 00:17:16,267
"Communications liaison
for Hillary Clinton,

480
00:17:16,367 --> 00:17:18,567
future Presidentress
of the United States."

481
00:17:18,667 --> 00:17:19,933
I just had those
made up really,

482
00:17:20,067 --> 00:17:24,167
so, everybody can be familiar
with how to refer to me,

483
00:17:24,267 --> 00:17:25,467
so everybody
can reach me.

484
00:17:25,567 --> 00:17:26,967
We know how
to reach you, you're--

485
00:17:27,067 --> 00:17:30,067
You're just
right here, so.

486
00:17:30,100 --> 00:17:31,333
Fantastic, Barb.

487
00:17:31,433 --> 00:17:32,967
You do not
go unnoticed.

488
00:17:33,067 --> 00:17:34,800
Know that.
Thank you.

489
00:17:34,900 --> 00:17:36,300
You're on top
of your shit.
Okay.

490
00:17:36,400 --> 00:17:38,633
Riding me.
Yeah.

491
00:17:42,267 --> 00:17:43,167
(man)
Hello?

492
00:17:43,267 --> 00:17:44,900
Yes, hello,
gentle patriot.

493
00:17:45,067 --> 00:17:48,067
I'm calling on behalf of
Ms. Hillary Rodham Clinton,

494
00:17:48,167 --> 00:17:51,633
first and only mother
of Chelsea and Socks.

495
00:17:51,733 --> 00:17:53,100
Sorry, no thanks,
I'm at work.

496
00:17:55,600 --> 00:17:56,767
Eliot,
you have to.

497
00:17:56,867 --> 00:17:59,233
It's me! Ilana!
Your sister!

498
00:17:59,333 --> 00:18:00,300
Ilana.

499
00:18:00,400 --> 00:18:02,500
Ms. Rodham-Wexler.

500
00:18:02,600 --> 00:18:03,700
Believe it,
dude.

501
00:18:03,800 --> 00:18:05,300
I'm calling you
from a landline.

502
00:18:05,400 --> 00:18:06,733
I have
a real job now.

503
00:18:06,833 --> 00:18:08,233
It's beautiful,
actually, when--

504
00:18:08,333 --> 00:18:10,467
when your work and
your passion line up.

505
00:18:10,567 --> 00:18:14,233
You know, I'm making money,
but it's not about the money.

506
00:18:14,333 --> 00:18:17,133
You know, just to be clear,
this is not a paid job.

507
00:18:17,233 --> 00:18:19,267
You're
a volunteer.

508
00:18:23,567 --> 00:18:24,633
(Eliot)
Ilana?

509
00:18:24,733 --> 00:18:25,700
Uh...

510
00:18:25,800 --> 00:18:26,933
Ilana?

511
00:18:27,067 --> 00:18:29,333
Okay...

512
00:18:36,067 --> 00:18:37,067
Oh!

513
00:18:37,133 --> 00:18:44,867
Ooof-- I got sunscreen
in my (bleep)!

514
00:18:44,967 --> 00:18:47,400
(sighing)

515
00:18:47,500 --> 00:18:48,400
Yeah.

516
00:18:48,500 --> 00:18:49,600
Check it out.

517
00:18:49,700 --> 00:18:51,200
This is cool, this
is cool to see this.

518
00:18:51,300 --> 00:18:54,967
Your best friend has been
working hard all day

519
00:18:55,067 --> 00:18:58,267
on the Hillary Rodham Clinton
campaign!

520
00:18:58,367 --> 00:18:59,267
She's worked in here.

521
00:18:59,367 --> 00:19:00,333
She's walked
on these floors.

522
00:19:00,433 --> 00:19:01,533
She's...
breathed this air.

523
00:19:01,633 --> 00:19:02,533
Take it in.

524
00:19:02,633 --> 00:19:04,333
(both inhaling deeply)

525
00:19:04,433 --> 00:19:06,200
Yeah,
that is power.

526
00:19:06,300 --> 00:19:07,200
It smells decisive.

527
00:19:07,300 --> 00:19:08,767
It smells like
confidence.

528
00:19:08,867 --> 00:19:10,633
It smells like
no bullshit.

529
00:19:10,733 --> 00:19:12,467
Yeah.
That's my former desk.

530
00:19:12,567 --> 00:19:14,067
Wow.
This is my
former chair.

531
00:19:14,133 --> 00:19:16,267
Cool.
Good sitting
and calling.

532
00:19:16,367 --> 00:19:18,767
This is the former
leaning column.

533
00:19:18,867 --> 00:19:21,533
Sorta talk about big stuff
that's going on,

534
00:19:21,633 --> 00:19:22,967
domestic,
international.

535
00:19:23,067 --> 00:19:24,300
Very cool.
Very casual.

536
00:19:24,400 --> 00:19:27,667
(voices distorting)
**

537
00:19:33,400 --> 00:19:35,267
**

538
00:19:39,067 --> 00:19:40,867
Yas!
Yas!

539
00:19:40,967 --> 00:19:43,533
Holy...

540
00:19:43,633 --> 00:19:48,067
(both laughing)
Oh...

541
00:19:48,167 --> 00:19:49,400
Oh, yay!

542
00:19:49,500 --> 00:19:51,600
Sorry, we are
just so excited.

543
00:19:51,700 --> 00:19:53,267
That's all right,
just take your time.

544
00:19:53,367 --> 00:19:54,767
One more.

545
00:19:54,867 --> 00:19:59,833
(both squealing)

546
00:20:00,067 --> 00:20:02,633
Thank-- Thank you, Ilana,
thank you for all of your help.

547
00:20:02,733 --> 00:20:03,667
You know of me?

548
00:20:03,767 --> 00:20:05,500
Well, you're
wearing a nametag.

549
00:20:05,600 --> 00:20:06,867
Genius.
Yes.

550
00:20:09,300 --> 00:20:10,200
Abbi.

551
00:20:10,300 --> 00:20:11,733
Hello.

552
00:20:11,833 --> 00:20:12,900
Proud demo.

553
00:20:13,000 --> 00:20:13,900
Crat.

554
00:20:14,000 --> 00:20:15,000
College!

555
00:20:15,100 --> 00:20:16,900
Aquarius.

556
00:20:17,000 --> 00:20:17,900
I pegged--

557
00:20:18,000 --> 00:20:19,567
Secretary
Clinton.

558
00:20:19,667 --> 00:20:21,767
Madam... Présidente.

559
00:20:21,867 --> 00:20:22,900
She-king.

560
00:20:23,000 --> 00:20:25,433
I can't afford to
volunteer here full-time,

561
00:20:25,533 --> 00:20:27,067
but I still want to
get the word out,

562
00:20:27,167 --> 00:20:29,600
so I vow to tweet
once a week,

563
00:20:29,700 --> 00:20:32,567
"Vote for Hillary.
Yas, yas, yas."

564
00:20:32,667 --> 00:20:34,267
That would be great.

565
00:20:34,367 --> 00:20:37,267
We need to drum up some
excitement for the campaign,

566
00:20:37,367 --> 00:20:39,100
do everything
that we possibly can.

567
00:20:39,200 --> 00:20:40,967
You know
what I'll do?

568
00:20:43,500 --> 00:20:44,600
Yes.

569
00:20:48,333 --> 00:20:50,567
Look at that!

570
00:20:50,667 --> 00:20:54,167
I thought this would be
really good for office morale!

571
00:20:54,267 --> 00:20:55,567
Isn't she great?

572
00:20:55,667 --> 00:20:57,600
Of course.

573
00:20:57,700 --> 00:20:59,433
We assumed
it was a he.

574
00:20:59,533 --> 00:21:00,833
Oh, no, no.

575
00:21:00,933 --> 00:21:02,367
It's a she.

576
00:21:02,467 --> 00:21:03,833
(Abbi)
It's definitely a she.

577
00:21:03,933 --> 00:21:05,067
Oh, God.

578
00:21:05,100 --> 00:21:06,067
Yeah.

579
00:21:06,167 --> 00:21:07,667
This feels...
just right.
Right.

580
00:21:16,967 --> 00:21:18,433
(eagle screeching)

581
00:21:19,733 --> 00:21:22,067
(eagle screeching)

582
00:21:22,167 --> 00:21:24,567
(eagle screeching)

583
00:21:26,867 --> 00:21:27,400
(sniffling)
Wow.