1 00:00:08,267 --> 00:00:09,867 Oh, I guarantee I can identify 2 00:00:09,967 --> 00:00:12,067 my own butthole in a lineup, 100%. 3 00:00:12,167 --> 00:00:14,533 Even if it's just a close-up lineup of buttholes? 4 00:00:14,633 --> 00:00:16,300 Yeah. No way, dude, come on. 5 00:00:16,400 --> 00:00:17,867 Completely. I could identify yours. 6 00:00:17,967 --> 00:00:20,333 Each one has a soul, an ass soul. 7 00:00:20,433 --> 00:00:21,867 Hey, mamis, where you going? 8 00:00:21,967 --> 00:00:23,167 A bra store? 9 00:00:23,267 --> 00:00:25,467 I bet you got those big boobies to feed all your babies. 10 00:00:25,567 --> 00:00:27,300 Excuse me? 11 00:00:27,400 --> 00:00:28,400 You can't talk to us like that. 12 00:00:28,500 --> 00:00:29,867 Yeah, we're your elders. 13 00:00:29,967 --> 00:00:31,333 How did he know we were going to the bra store? 14 00:00:31,433 --> 00:00:33,067 Why don't you come over here and let me touch 'em. 15 00:00:33,167 --> 00:00:34,433 Jesus. 16 00:00:34,533 --> 00:00:37,367 The only way that you're gonna get to touch these boobs 17 00:00:37,467 --> 00:00:39,667 is if they graze the top of your head 18 00:00:39,767 --> 00:00:43,233 as I'm slam dunking your skinny ass! 19 00:00:43,333 --> 00:00:45,033 Whoa! Whoa! 20 00:00:45,133 --> 00:00:46,333 (laughing) 21 00:00:46,433 --> 00:00:49,133 So you wanna ball? Let's go. 22 00:00:49,233 --> 00:00:51,333 ** 23 00:00:57,000 --> 00:00:58,033 Ooh. 24 00:01:02,567 --> 00:01:03,967 (gasps) 25 00:01:12,767 --> 00:01:13,733 No. 26 00:01:18,567 --> 00:01:19,567 Aah! 27 00:01:22,233 --> 00:01:24,700 Ooh! (laughing) 28 00:01:24,800 --> 00:01:28,500 Tell your mom you got schooled by two women. 29 00:01:28,600 --> 00:01:30,133 Aw, yeah, bitches! 30 00:01:30,233 --> 00:01:33,267 And reminder, I'll be by later to (bleep) the shit out of her. 31 00:01:33,367 --> 00:01:34,267 What? 32 00:01:34,367 --> 00:01:35,433 (laughing) 33 00:01:35,533 --> 00:01:36,800 Oh, what about this, huh? 34 00:01:36,900 --> 00:01:38,367 (grunting) 35 00:01:38,467 --> 00:01:42,067 (shouts) 36 00:01:42,100 --> 00:01:43,200 Oh... kay. 37 00:01:43,300 --> 00:01:44,800 (whimpers) 38 00:01:44,900 --> 00:01:46,733 No, no, no, no, no. Oh, no, no, no, no! 39 00:01:46,833 --> 00:01:48,800 * Four and three and two and one-one * 40 00:01:48,900 --> 00:01:50,733 ** 41 00:01:53,833 --> 00:01:56,300 Hello? Good morning, everyone. 42 00:01:56,400 --> 00:01:58,467 We open in five minutes. 43 00:01:58,567 --> 00:02:00,933 This month's churron flavor is anise, 44 00:02:01,067 --> 00:02:04,700 but there is a limit to three churrons per customer, 45 00:02:04,800 --> 00:02:06,733 so please maintain decorum. 46 00:02:06,833 --> 00:02:07,833 Thank you. 47 00:02:10,433 --> 00:02:13,100 You know, I'm not even a huge macaroon girl, 48 00:02:13,200 --> 00:02:15,867 and churros are just, like, you know, hit or miss for me, 49 00:02:15,967 --> 00:02:17,100 but the combination of-- 50 00:02:17,200 --> 00:02:20,067 Too early. 51 00:02:22,533 --> 00:02:23,700 (whispers) I'm being nice. 52 00:02:25,433 --> 00:02:26,533 (sighs) 53 00:02:27,833 --> 00:02:30,233 (inhales deeply) 54 00:02:30,333 --> 00:02:31,267 (exhales) 55 00:02:42,633 --> 00:02:43,733 Okay. 56 00:02:43,833 --> 00:02:46,233 Your total is 28.45. 57 00:02:46,333 --> 00:02:48,067 Here's my co-op card. 58 00:02:48,100 --> 00:02:49,933 (register beeps) 59 00:02:50,067 --> 00:02:51,233 Ooh. It looks like 60 00:02:51,333 --> 00:02:53,367 you haven't completed any of your work hours. 61 00:02:53,467 --> 00:02:54,433 Just throw 'em on my tab. 62 00:02:54,533 --> 00:02:55,767 I'm gonna knock 'em all out at once. 63 00:02:55,867 --> 00:02:58,100 Okay, well, today's actually the last possible day 64 00:02:58,200 --> 00:03:01,133 you can complete your shifts for this moon cycle. 65 00:03:01,233 --> 00:03:02,900 Um, I really can't today. 66 00:03:03,067 --> 00:03:03,967 Could I speak to the manager? 67 00:03:04,067 --> 00:03:05,833 I'm sure I could work something out. 68 00:03:05,933 --> 00:03:08,700 Um... sure. 69 00:03:08,800 --> 00:03:11,067 Just, um... one second. 70 00:03:11,167 --> 00:03:12,900 Hi. 71 00:03:13,067 --> 00:03:14,600 We have a slight, um, issue. 72 00:03:16,700 --> 00:03:17,633 Yeah? 73 00:03:17,733 --> 00:03:21,133 Hi... Lori. 74 00:03:21,233 --> 00:03:24,533 I haven't worked any of my hours. 75 00:03:24,633 --> 00:03:27,067 Mm. And I have a really 76 00:03:27,167 --> 00:03:29,400 intense doctor's appointment in Long Island. 77 00:03:29,500 --> 00:03:31,300 There's something more important in Long Island 78 00:03:31,400 --> 00:03:32,600 than organic produce? 79 00:03:32,700 --> 00:03:34,633 For the privilege of membership, 80 00:03:34,733 --> 00:03:38,600 you just have to work six hours, you cooperate. 81 00:03:38,700 --> 00:03:40,233 I am feeling this. 82 00:03:40,333 --> 00:03:42,133 But it just also happens to be 83 00:03:42,233 --> 00:03:46,600 the very last day I can have this... procedure. 84 00:03:46,700 --> 00:03:49,600 Well, either you complete your shifts today 85 00:03:49,700 --> 00:03:51,900 or you're banished from the co-op 86 00:03:52,067 --> 00:03:53,700 for the rest of your body's life. 87 00:03:53,800 --> 00:03:55,600 (chuckling) 88 00:03:55,700 --> 00:03:57,067 Your choice. 89 00:03:58,300 --> 00:04:00,800 ** 90 00:04:02,800 --> 00:04:04,300 Ha ha! There she is. 91 00:04:04,400 --> 00:04:06,500 Ugh, gorgeous, come on. 92 00:04:06,600 --> 00:04:07,667 Wow, how 'dat? 93 00:04:07,767 --> 00:04:09,067 So worth it. Ooh. 94 00:04:09,133 --> 00:04:10,733 Ugh, love your leggings. 95 00:04:10,833 --> 00:04:12,333 And your legs. And your butt. 96 00:04:12,433 --> 00:04:13,733 Thank you so much. Really cute. 97 00:04:13,833 --> 00:04:14,833 You just made my day. 98 00:04:14,933 --> 00:04:16,067 Do you want one of these churrons? 99 00:04:16,133 --> 00:04:17,067 Sure. 100 00:04:17,133 --> 00:04:18,967 Thanks so much. Later, line buddy. 101 00:04:20,267 --> 00:04:21,467 That was sweet. 102 00:04:23,433 --> 00:04:25,067 It's okay. 103 00:04:25,133 --> 00:04:26,867 I would have eaten that. Okay, so down to biz. 104 00:04:26,967 --> 00:04:28,333 Business. 105 00:04:28,433 --> 00:04:29,733 You know how I joined that food co-op a few months ago? 106 00:04:29,833 --> 00:04:31,433 Uh, yeah, your meals have given me 107 00:04:31,533 --> 00:04:33,067 like the healthiest shits of my life. 108 00:04:33,133 --> 00:04:35,333 It's like, dump out, flawless, 109 00:04:35,433 --> 00:04:37,267 dump out, flawless. 110 00:04:37,367 --> 00:04:40,233 So, I haven't worked any hours yet, 111 00:04:40,333 --> 00:04:41,867 and I need to do them today. 112 00:04:41,967 --> 00:04:43,067 Obviously, I would do them, but-- 113 00:04:43,133 --> 00:04:44,067 You're going to the doctor. 114 00:04:44,133 --> 00:04:45,333 Oh, wowee, yeah, whoa, whoa-- 115 00:04:45,433 --> 00:04:46,500 Dude, I just said you're going to the doctor. 116 00:04:46,600 --> 00:04:47,533 Bop, bop, bop, bop. 117 00:04:47,633 --> 00:04:48,767 No, I can't think about it. 118 00:04:48,867 --> 00:04:49,800 Lifestyle. 119 00:04:49,900 --> 00:04:52,067 Oh! Almost forgot. 120 00:04:52,133 --> 00:04:54,067 Oh, yes, Gaga. Yes. 121 00:04:55,067 --> 00:04:56,367 Oh, my God. 122 00:04:56,467 --> 00:04:58,700 So obviously, the three of us can't lose my membership, 123 00:04:58,800 --> 00:05:01,067 so I need you to cover my shift. 124 00:05:01,100 --> 00:05:02,067 I can cover for you. 125 00:05:02,100 --> 00:05:03,633 But here da damn 'tang. 126 00:05:03,733 --> 00:05:06,933 Not for me. As me. 127 00:05:07,067 --> 00:05:08,400 Co-op members cannot share shifts, 128 00:05:08,500 --> 00:05:11,300 so technically you need to be me. 129 00:05:11,400 --> 00:05:13,533 How's that gonna work? 130 00:05:13,633 --> 00:05:14,700 Well, no one knows me there yet. 131 00:05:14,800 --> 00:05:18,133 I... haven't worked any of my hours. 132 00:05:18,233 --> 00:05:19,567 But I need you to make the right first impression 133 00:05:19,667 --> 00:05:20,567 so that when I do work, 134 00:05:20,667 --> 00:05:21,900 no one will know the difference. 135 00:05:22,067 --> 00:05:24,400 You know what, I would love to live a day in your shoes. 136 00:05:24,500 --> 00:05:26,500 That sounds really fun and very easy. 137 00:05:26,600 --> 00:05:28,733 (chuckling) 138 00:05:28,833 --> 00:05:30,933 Not literally in my shoes, 'cause I'm a size five and-- 139 00:05:31,067 --> 00:05:31,967 Yeah, I understand. 140 00:05:32,067 --> 00:05:33,067 Woo! Okay. 141 00:05:33,100 --> 00:05:34,067 I'm gonna just end it there. 142 00:05:34,133 --> 00:05:38,233 Squished 11! 143 00:05:38,333 --> 00:05:39,633 More, more. More, more, more! 144 00:05:39,733 --> 00:05:41,067 (inhales deeply) 145 00:05:52,833 --> 00:05:55,467 (breathes heavily) 146 00:05:55,567 --> 00:05:56,500 Yas, queen. 147 00:05:56,600 --> 00:05:57,500 Yas, queen. 148 00:05:57,600 --> 00:05:58,833 Yas, queen! Yas, queen! 149 00:05:58,933 --> 00:05:59,867 Again! Ow! 150 00:06:00,067 --> 00:06:00,967 Yas, queen! 151 00:06:01,067 --> 00:06:02,533 Yas, queen. I smell a duke! 152 00:06:02,633 --> 00:06:04,433 Smell-- smell a duke! 153 00:06:04,533 --> 00:06:05,633 Nice pussy boot! Nice pussy boot! 154 00:06:05,733 --> 00:06:07,867 (high pitch) I love you, Abbi! 155 00:06:07,967 --> 00:06:09,633 (high pitch) I love you, Abbi! 156 00:06:12,067 --> 00:06:13,633 Do it! 157 00:06:16,200 --> 00:06:17,700 There you go, you're getting it! 158 00:06:17,800 --> 00:06:19,867 There you go, you're getting it! 159 00:06:21,800 --> 00:06:24,300 Aww, what up, my babies! 160 00:06:24,400 --> 00:06:28,300 (lisping) Mami Lani in the hizzy-lee! 161 00:06:28,400 --> 00:06:30,100 Rape culture sucks! 162 00:06:30,200 --> 00:06:31,700 Recognize! 163 00:06:35,233 --> 00:06:37,433 Lincoln, hey, woo! 164 00:06:37,533 --> 00:06:39,233 (imitating fanfare) 165 00:06:39,333 --> 00:06:41,067 My Lincoln Towncar. 166 00:06:41,100 --> 00:06:43,467 But this is a-- a Prius, right? 167 00:06:43,567 --> 00:06:46,433 Yeah, but I call it that because my name is Lincoln. 168 00:06:46,533 --> 00:06:48,767 And I'm gonna drive around town in my car. 169 00:06:48,867 --> 00:06:51,400 (forcefully laughing) 170 00:06:54,300 --> 00:06:55,300 You okay? 171 00:06:55,400 --> 00:06:58,067 Sorry. I'm so (bleep) nervous. 172 00:06:58,133 --> 00:07:00,067 Me too. You are? 173 00:07:00,100 --> 00:07:01,067 About something else. 174 00:07:01,100 --> 00:07:02,833 I brought you some comfort food. 175 00:07:02,933 --> 00:07:04,067 Turkey jerky. 176 00:07:04,133 --> 00:07:06,867 Organic fruit leather and some Tuscan nut mix. 177 00:07:06,967 --> 00:07:08,333 (sighs) 178 00:07:08,433 --> 00:07:09,767 I'm not really that hungry, though. 179 00:07:09,867 --> 00:07:12,267 I never understand when people say that, 180 00:07:12,367 --> 00:07:14,067 but I anticipated it. 181 00:07:14,167 --> 00:07:16,267 That's why I had Jaimé make you a... 182 00:07:16,367 --> 00:07:17,367 ...ginger blunt man! 183 00:07:17,467 --> 00:07:19,400 Oh, my God! 184 00:07:19,500 --> 00:07:20,833 With real honey! 185 00:07:20,933 --> 00:07:22,600 While I thought an extraordinary blunt 186 00:07:22,700 --> 00:07:24,267 would probably do the trick, 187 00:07:24,367 --> 00:07:26,167 I knew I had to take it to the next level. 188 00:07:26,267 --> 00:07:30,767 Aww. That almost makes me feel kind of okay. 189 00:07:30,867 --> 00:07:32,233 ** 190 00:07:35,500 --> 00:07:36,567 (chuckling) 191 00:07:36,667 --> 00:07:37,767 Okay, Ilana Wexler? 192 00:07:37,867 --> 00:07:40,767 Uh... kyuh. Great. 193 00:07:40,867 --> 00:07:43,800 Somebody groomed their dreadlocks in the bathroom. 194 00:07:43,900 --> 00:07:49,567 You can get started by cleaning those hair stumps. 195 00:07:49,667 --> 00:07:51,300 (chuckles) 196 00:07:51,400 --> 00:07:53,167 You know what, Martha? 197 00:07:53,267 --> 00:07:54,333 It's Kristy. 198 00:07:54,433 --> 00:07:55,833 Exactly. 199 00:07:55,933 --> 00:07:57,833 I feel like you really get me. 200 00:07:57,933 --> 00:07:59,633 And you know why? Because you're a "kween". 201 00:07:59,733 --> 00:08:02,100 And you know who else is a kween? 202 00:08:02,200 --> 00:08:03,333 She's a kween. 203 00:08:03,433 --> 00:08:06,700 And we queens, we cannot be in the back of the bus, 204 00:08:06,800 --> 00:08:10,067 cleaning up white dude's dreadlocks. 205 00:08:10,133 --> 00:08:11,067 "Ja-feel"? 206 00:08:11,133 --> 00:08:12,500 Do you want another assignment? 207 00:08:12,600 --> 00:08:13,733 Yas, yas, yas. 208 00:08:13,833 --> 00:08:15,200 Okay, why don't you just go help out Craig 209 00:08:15,300 --> 00:08:17,067 with setting up the bulk bins? 210 00:08:17,100 --> 00:08:18,367 Okay, Craig... 211 00:08:18,467 --> 00:08:19,800 ** 212 00:08:19,900 --> 00:08:22,900 * Only you 213 00:08:23,733 --> 00:08:26,067 * Only you 214 00:08:26,133 --> 00:08:29,800 * Could treat me like you do 215 00:08:32,067 --> 00:08:33,067 * Only she * 216 00:08:33,100 --> 00:08:35,067 Wow. 217 00:08:35,167 --> 00:08:41,067 I mean... kyuh. 218 00:08:44,700 --> 00:08:47,400 Since when do you bite your nails? 219 00:08:47,500 --> 00:08:48,433 I didn't even notice. 220 00:08:48,533 --> 00:08:49,933 I do it when I'm nervous. 221 00:08:50,067 --> 00:08:51,567 You can't be nervous, you're my rock today. 222 00:08:51,667 --> 00:08:53,900 Oh, God. 223 00:08:54,067 --> 00:08:55,233 Ilana, what are you doing? 224 00:08:55,333 --> 00:08:56,600 (car horn honks) This is dangerous! 225 00:08:56,700 --> 00:08:58,200 Prisons are safe, but they're not that safe! 226 00:08:58,300 --> 00:09:00,200 I need to be swaddled! Ahh! 227 00:09:00,300 --> 00:09:01,533 Come on, if you're not gonna swaddle me, 228 00:09:01,633 --> 00:09:03,100 at least let me drive and give me road head. 229 00:09:03,200 --> 00:09:04,967 Well, do you want to die and how does that even work? 230 00:09:05,067 --> 00:09:06,433 Road hand, whatever. 231 00:09:06,533 --> 00:09:08,167 Just quit the pillow talk and get me off! 232 00:09:08,267 --> 00:09:09,500 I'm driving! 233 00:09:10,967 --> 00:09:13,767 All I'm saying is that we are on the fast track to, like, 234 00:09:13,867 --> 00:09:15,300 caramel and queerdom. 235 00:09:15,400 --> 00:09:16,700 Huh? 236 00:09:16,800 --> 00:09:18,767 Sexuality is on a spectrum. 237 00:09:18,867 --> 00:09:21,200 It's like, we are just dancers in the dark, 238 00:09:21,300 --> 00:09:22,467 we're just shards. 239 00:09:23,367 --> 00:09:24,667 "Shweet" ink. 240 00:09:25,767 --> 00:09:27,300 "Shweet" ink, brah! 241 00:09:28,233 --> 00:09:29,667 Sweet tat. 242 00:09:29,767 --> 00:09:31,767 Thanks, it's inspired by a Bukowski poem. 243 00:09:31,867 --> 00:09:32,767 I actually drew it. 244 00:09:32,867 --> 00:09:34,867 You drew this? Yeah. 245 00:09:34,967 --> 00:09:36,533 I'm an artist. 246 00:09:36,633 --> 00:09:38,633 I mean, not that I pay the bills with it. 247 00:09:38,733 --> 00:09:40,700 That is amazing, me-- 248 00:09:40,800 --> 00:09:44,467 Me-- me friend is an artist that does not 249 00:09:44,567 --> 00:09:45,833 pay the bills with it, either. 250 00:09:45,933 --> 00:09:47,167 Hmm. So I get that. 251 00:09:47,267 --> 00:09:49,067 Uh, her name is Abbi. 252 00:09:49,100 --> 00:09:50,600 Oh, cool, what's she make? 253 00:09:50,700 --> 00:09:52,667 Well, she's actually mostly an illustrator. 254 00:09:52,767 --> 00:09:54,467 I can actually show you. 255 00:09:54,567 --> 00:09:56,133 She sends it to me. 256 00:09:56,233 --> 00:09:59,067 She has this new series called "Where Are They Now?" 257 00:09:59,100 --> 00:10:02,967 And it's, like, popular toys and stuff from the '90s 258 00:10:03,067 --> 00:10:04,667 doing, like, office jobs. 259 00:10:04,767 --> 00:10:05,800 They're hilarious. I love it. 260 00:10:05,900 --> 00:10:07,000 Really? Yeah. 261 00:10:07,100 --> 00:10:08,167 (scoffs) Yeah. 262 00:10:08,267 --> 00:10:09,600 I mean, I knew you would. 263 00:10:09,700 --> 00:10:11,433 'Cause Abbi's kind of like this undiscovered genius 264 00:10:11,533 --> 00:10:12,467 with an ass of an angel. 265 00:10:12,567 --> 00:10:13,533 Yeah. 266 00:10:14,867 --> 00:10:16,300 (chuckling) Martha! 267 00:10:17,467 --> 00:10:19,733 It's Kristy. And that wasn't funny. 268 00:10:21,300 --> 00:10:22,633 Respect the produce, dude. 269 00:10:22,733 --> 00:10:25,667 So anyway, where did Abbi go to art school? 270 00:10:25,767 --> 00:10:28,133 Um... 271 00:10:28,233 --> 00:10:31,467 ** 272 00:10:33,400 --> 00:10:34,867 (snorting) 273 00:10:34,967 --> 00:10:36,100 What are you doing? 274 00:10:36,200 --> 00:10:37,533 Smelling Abbi. 275 00:10:37,633 --> 00:10:39,667 Thank you so much, sweet Lincoln. 276 00:10:39,767 --> 00:10:41,567 Thank you for calming me today. 277 00:10:41,667 --> 00:10:44,033 You challenged me to grow and be a big girl. 278 00:10:44,133 --> 00:10:45,067 Ilana Wexler? 279 00:10:45,167 --> 00:10:46,333 (inhales deeply) 280 00:10:46,433 --> 00:10:48,333 No, no, no, no, no! Ilana. 281 00:10:48,433 --> 00:10:50,033 No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Ilana. Ilana! 282 00:10:50,133 --> 00:10:51,533 Please stop, please stop, please stop, please stop! 283 00:10:51,633 --> 00:10:52,867 You have to have all three shots 284 00:10:52,967 --> 00:10:55,000 for the HPV vaccine to even work. 285 00:10:55,100 --> 00:10:56,067 I love my HPV. 286 00:10:56,167 --> 00:10:57,300 I heard your parents are getting a divorce. 287 00:10:57,400 --> 00:10:59,333 What? Oh, (bleep)! 288 00:10:59,433 --> 00:11:01,167 That's what I say to distract all the kids... 289 00:11:01,267 --> 00:11:02,467 (bleep) shit! when they're getting their shot. 290 00:11:02,567 --> 00:11:03,900 That's what they say back to me. 291 00:11:04,067 --> 00:11:05,633 So, um, you're all done. 292 00:11:06,967 --> 00:11:07,900 Red. 293 00:11:08,067 --> 00:11:09,133 (whispers) Oh, God. 294 00:11:09,233 --> 00:11:10,167 Thank you. 295 00:11:10,267 --> 00:11:11,300 Oh, one more thing. 296 00:11:11,400 --> 00:11:14,467 Can you turn over, please? 297 00:11:14,567 --> 00:11:15,667 I'm just kidding. 298 00:11:15,767 --> 00:11:17,100 So gullible. Ugh. 299 00:11:17,200 --> 00:11:20,733 Oh, please, thank your mom for that Coach bag she got me. 300 00:11:20,833 --> 00:11:22,800 I cannot tell you how many compliments I get on it. 301 00:11:22,900 --> 00:11:24,467 She really knows how to pick 'em. 302 00:11:24,567 --> 00:11:28,467 Doesn't it look so real? 303 00:11:28,567 --> 00:11:29,667 You're kidding. 304 00:11:29,767 --> 00:11:30,867 Mm-hmm. 305 00:11:32,667 --> 00:11:34,633 And a'nudder tang... 306 00:11:34,733 --> 00:11:37,567 Abbi's just incredibly bold and dynamic. 307 00:11:37,667 --> 00:11:41,067 One summer, she traveled across the country following Phish, 308 00:11:41,133 --> 00:11:42,333 selling mushroom chocolates. 309 00:11:42,433 --> 00:11:44,167 No way, I was a Phish head. 310 00:11:44,267 --> 00:11:45,700 Me too. Me too. 311 00:11:45,800 --> 00:11:47,800 Set the gear shift to the high gear of your soul. 312 00:11:47,900 --> 00:11:49,533 Run like an antelope outta control. 313 00:11:49,633 --> 00:11:51,867 Yeah, yeah! 314 00:11:51,967 --> 00:11:53,667 Are you a Phish head, too? 315 00:11:53,767 --> 00:11:57,167 No. Not me. Uh, Abbi is. 316 00:11:57,267 --> 00:11:58,333 I just know the one lyric. 317 00:11:59,067 --> 00:12:00,433 (spits) 318 00:12:00,533 --> 00:12:01,467 (sighs) 319 00:12:01,567 --> 00:12:04,933 (nails biting) 320 00:12:05,067 --> 00:12:07,133 You still seem stressed. 321 00:12:07,233 --> 00:12:09,233 You want to blow off some steam? 322 00:12:09,333 --> 00:12:10,767 You know, I'm technically Abbi today, 323 00:12:10,867 --> 00:12:14,533 so if we hook up, it's... kind of a threesome. 324 00:12:14,633 --> 00:12:17,200 To be honest, 325 00:12:17,300 --> 00:12:18,767 I've been working up the courage 326 00:12:18,867 --> 00:12:20,467 to tell you something all day. (gasps) 327 00:12:20,567 --> 00:12:22,133 This is hard. 328 00:12:24,367 --> 00:12:26,167 I hooked up with someone else. 329 00:12:30,467 --> 00:12:32,400 (exhales deeply) 330 00:12:35,833 --> 00:12:37,133 Not bad. Not bad. 331 00:12:37,233 --> 00:12:39,933 I know we just met, so... 332 00:12:40,067 --> 00:12:42,067 I hope this doesn't seem too forward, 333 00:12:42,100 --> 00:12:46,200 but I was wondering what you think about maybe... 334 00:12:46,300 --> 00:12:48,133 setting me up with Abbi. 335 00:12:48,233 --> 00:12:51,100 She seems really, really cool. 336 00:12:51,200 --> 00:12:53,633 I would love to go out. 337 00:12:53,733 --> 00:12:56,633 Wait, uh, I was talking about your friend. 338 00:12:56,733 --> 00:13:00,367 No, I know, it's like, "mmmdoy"! 339 00:13:00,467 --> 00:13:01,567 You two are gonna be, like, so hot, 340 00:13:01,667 --> 00:13:03,367 you're gonna be like, "Uhh, uhh, uhh!" 341 00:13:03,467 --> 00:13:06,233 Both get, like, super wet, downtown! 342 00:13:06,333 --> 00:13:07,333 Down twat! 343 00:13:07,433 --> 00:13:09,233 Vape life! 344 00:13:09,333 --> 00:13:10,533 Uh... 345 00:13:13,867 --> 00:13:14,833 (grunting) 346 00:13:14,933 --> 00:13:16,300 Yeah, yeah! 347 00:13:21,667 --> 00:13:27,667 (Steve Urkel impression) Did I do that? 348 00:13:27,767 --> 00:13:29,167 (bleep)! 349 00:13:29,900 --> 00:13:30,867 Ugh! 350 00:13:32,267 --> 00:13:34,167 So you're telling me she jerked you off 351 00:13:34,267 --> 00:13:36,233 for eight minutes with what kind of oil? 352 00:13:36,333 --> 00:13:37,333 Almond. 353 00:13:37,433 --> 00:13:38,867 Oh! 354 00:13:40,767 --> 00:13:41,667 (sighs) 355 00:13:41,767 --> 00:13:43,333 Ugh! 356 00:13:43,433 --> 00:13:47,067 Then you had sex doggy style, and who finished first? 357 00:13:47,100 --> 00:13:48,900 I don't-- Tell me! 358 00:13:49,067 --> 00:13:49,967 She did? 359 00:13:50,067 --> 00:13:52,300 Oh! 360 00:13:52,400 --> 00:13:53,867 (grunts) 361 00:13:56,167 --> 00:13:58,333 (straining) 362 00:14:00,400 --> 00:14:02,867 And then you spooned watching YouTube videos 363 00:14:02,967 --> 00:14:03,933 of news anchor fails. 364 00:14:04,067 --> 00:14:05,900 Who was which spoon? 365 00:14:06,067 --> 00:14:07,300 I was the little spoon! 366 00:14:13,367 --> 00:14:17,667 That is so (bleep) hot! 367 00:14:17,767 --> 00:14:21,200 * Huc-a-dangle, woo-hoo! * 368 00:14:22,933 --> 00:14:25,833 Couldn't read that reaction for a while. 369 00:14:25,933 --> 00:14:28,067 Thank you so much for telling me that, woo! 370 00:14:28,100 --> 00:14:29,767 We are a modern day Will and Jada. 371 00:14:29,867 --> 00:14:31,167 We are open sex friends. 372 00:14:31,267 --> 00:14:33,467 We are poly, we are bi. I'm not bi. 373 00:14:35,067 --> 00:14:36,700 You're right, how do I know 374 00:14:36,800 --> 00:14:39,867 if I haven't truly tested my boundaries? 375 00:14:39,967 --> 00:14:42,067 Honestly, I've never felt closer to you. 376 00:14:42,133 --> 00:14:43,500 You are a damn king. 377 00:14:45,133 --> 00:14:47,433 What if we tricked her into having a threesome? 378 00:14:47,533 --> 00:14:52,267 People really shouldn't trick other people into having sex. 379 00:14:52,367 --> 00:14:54,067 Whoa. 380 00:14:54,100 --> 00:14:56,333 I've heard so many women say that, 381 00:14:56,433 --> 00:14:59,133 but when you say it, I really hear it. 382 00:15:00,533 --> 00:15:01,833 All right, penis kiss. 383 00:15:01,933 --> 00:15:04,067 (car horn honking) (kissing sounds) 384 00:15:04,100 --> 00:15:05,933 Okay. 385 00:15:08,633 --> 00:15:11,233 ** 386 00:15:11,333 --> 00:15:13,500 So, wait. All porn is kiddie porn? 387 00:15:13,600 --> 00:15:15,167 Basically, all entertainment is porn. 388 00:15:15,267 --> 00:15:16,333 It's like, everywhere. 389 00:15:16,433 --> 00:15:17,467 It's like, soon, they're gonna be, like, 390 00:15:17,567 --> 00:15:19,400 screening on the inside of our eyes. 391 00:15:19,500 --> 00:15:20,633 (Ilana) Ab, Ab, Ab, Ab. 392 00:15:20,733 --> 00:15:22,833 (chuckling) What? 393 00:15:22,933 --> 00:15:24,967 Lincoln hooked up with another girl. 394 00:15:25,067 --> 00:15:27,100 She started by jerking him off with almond oil. 395 00:15:27,200 --> 00:15:28,667 She went slow but really tight squeeze-- 396 00:15:28,767 --> 00:15:29,667 Okay, shh, shh, shh, shh. 397 00:15:29,767 --> 00:15:31,133 Dude, you gotta go. 398 00:15:31,233 --> 00:15:33,167 I've been hitting it off with this guy and it's complicated. 399 00:15:33,267 --> 00:15:36,433 Oh, hey. 400 00:15:36,533 --> 00:15:37,767 Is this your friend Abbi? 401 00:15:37,867 --> 00:15:41,133 Yeah, this is my friend, Abbi. 402 00:15:41,233 --> 00:15:43,767 Ab, this is Craig. 403 00:15:43,867 --> 00:15:45,700 A guy. 404 00:15:49,433 --> 00:15:51,433 Hi, I'm Abbi. 405 00:15:52,500 --> 00:15:54,133 I love pugs. 406 00:15:54,233 --> 00:15:57,767 My family comes from a long line of colonial Jews. 407 00:15:59,667 --> 00:16:00,900 Ilana has told me so much about you. 408 00:16:01,067 --> 00:16:02,667 It's crazy how much we have in common. 409 00:16:02,767 --> 00:16:04,067 On the count of three, your favorite Phish album. 410 00:16:04,133 --> 00:16:05,067 One, two, three. 411 00:16:05,167 --> 00:16:06,667 "Rift"! 412 00:16:08,733 --> 00:16:10,067 Sorry. 413 00:16:10,167 --> 00:16:11,933 I have to take this. 414 00:16:12,067 --> 00:16:13,867 Hello? 415 00:16:13,967 --> 00:16:16,933 It's my doctor with the X-rays. 416 00:16:17,067 --> 00:16:19,300 What?! 417 00:16:19,400 --> 00:16:21,600 No, I don't need a labia reduction, 418 00:16:21,700 --> 00:16:23,467 I was just asking about it. 419 00:16:23,567 --> 00:16:27,833 And I'm gonna make a call to the Better Business Bureau. 420 00:16:29,800 --> 00:16:31,233 (scoffs) 421 00:16:31,333 --> 00:16:33,400 Listen, on paper, Abbi seems perfect. 422 00:16:34,633 --> 00:16:36,167 but she's just not my type physically. 423 00:16:37,367 --> 00:16:38,933 I like a girl with a butt. 424 00:16:39,067 --> 00:16:40,833 Me! Me, I have... butt. 425 00:16:41,733 --> 00:16:43,333 Okay, come here. 426 00:16:43,433 --> 00:16:44,400 (sighs) 427 00:16:48,067 --> 00:16:49,400 I've been pretending to be Ilana. 428 00:16:50,300 --> 00:16:52,600 I'm really Abbi. Hi. 429 00:16:52,700 --> 00:16:54,367 Wait, what? 430 00:16:54,467 --> 00:16:56,933 All that stuff I said about Abbi, that's me. 431 00:16:57,067 --> 00:16:58,200 I'm her. 432 00:16:58,300 --> 00:17:01,267 Abbi. I'm an artist, okay? I love Phish. 433 00:17:01,367 --> 00:17:02,967 I wear full-length shirts. 434 00:17:03,067 --> 00:17:06,300 This isn't me. This is me. 435 00:17:06,400 --> 00:17:10,167 You impersonated someone to cover a shift at the co-op? 436 00:17:10,267 --> 00:17:15,267 Technically, that is... how I would explain it. 437 00:17:15,367 --> 00:17:17,433 No way. 438 00:17:17,533 --> 00:17:18,900 The Abbi I've been hearing about all day 439 00:17:19,067 --> 00:17:20,400 would never do something like this. 440 00:17:20,500 --> 00:17:22,200 She would, 441 00:17:22,300 --> 00:17:25,200 'cause I did, for my best friend. 442 00:17:26,833 --> 00:17:28,867 I don't know what's more disgusting. 443 00:17:28,967 --> 00:17:31,167 The fact that you've been lying to me all day 444 00:17:31,267 --> 00:17:33,533 or the fact that you tried to cheat the co-op. 445 00:17:34,967 --> 00:17:36,633 This is a place of trust. 446 00:17:38,067 --> 00:17:39,767 In the words of Phish, 447 00:17:39,867 --> 00:17:42,233 "Deduct the carrots from your pay, 448 00:17:42,333 --> 00:17:46,400 you worthless, swampy fool." 449 00:17:46,500 --> 00:17:50,233 "Cavern." I love that song. 450 00:17:50,333 --> 00:17:53,367 Every 46 minutes of it. 451 00:17:53,467 --> 00:17:55,667 How slick was that labia mention, right? 452 00:17:55,767 --> 00:17:57,733 Yeah. How slick. 453 00:18:02,200 --> 00:18:05,133 You signed a billion-year contract 454 00:18:05,233 --> 00:18:09,567 specifically prohibiting the sharing of shifts. 455 00:18:09,667 --> 00:18:10,967 Guess I didn't read the fine print. 456 00:18:11,067 --> 00:18:13,233 There it is, okay. 457 00:18:13,333 --> 00:18:17,533 I'm sorry, but are you... breastfeeding? 458 00:18:17,633 --> 00:18:20,400 The power of co-op produce has made me fertile 459 00:18:20,500 --> 00:18:22,567 into my 50s and beyond. 460 00:18:22,667 --> 00:18:24,067 So amazing. 461 00:18:24,133 --> 00:18:25,833 Don't try and butter me up, I'm a vegan. 462 00:18:27,400 --> 00:18:28,700 No butter. I just got it. 463 00:18:28,800 --> 00:18:32,500 You two are SPs. Shitty peoples. 464 00:18:32,600 --> 00:18:33,833 (camera shutter clicks) 465 00:18:33,933 --> 00:18:35,633 You belong on garbage island. 466 00:18:35,733 --> 00:18:37,067 Nobody belongs on garbage island! 467 00:18:37,133 --> 00:18:38,733 (camera shutter clicks) 468 00:18:38,833 --> 00:18:40,500 We as a society are very-- Puh-leeze! 469 00:18:40,600 --> 00:18:41,900 I know your type. 470 00:18:42,067 --> 00:18:45,233 You act and you think like you're all eco-conscious. 471 00:18:45,333 --> 00:18:47,800 But I see you with your iced coffees 472 00:18:47,900 --> 00:18:49,800 and your food to go. 473 00:18:49,900 --> 00:18:54,200 You are garbage island, and you are officially 474 00:18:54,300 --> 00:18:56,933 disconnected from the co-op for life. 475 00:18:58,433 --> 00:19:00,867 Fine. I hear the Bushwick co-op is better anyway. 476 00:19:00,967 --> 00:19:03,233 (laughing) 477 00:19:03,333 --> 00:19:05,400 All the co-ops are connected. 478 00:19:05,500 --> 00:19:08,067 We also have connections with security at Whole Foods. 479 00:19:08,133 --> 00:19:09,233 (both gasp) 480 00:19:09,333 --> 00:19:11,967 That's right, you two are going to be eating 481 00:19:12,067 --> 00:19:15,633 vending machine food 482 00:19:15,733 --> 00:19:21,633 and bodega veggies for the rest of your very short lives. 483 00:19:21,733 --> 00:19:23,400 Now, get the (bleep) out. 484 00:19:23,500 --> 00:19:24,633 Jesus. 485 00:19:24,733 --> 00:19:26,267 You "carniv-whores"! 486 00:19:27,167 --> 00:19:28,633 Go on! 487 00:19:30,500 --> 00:19:31,967 (whispers) Oh, Robert. 488 00:19:33,900 --> 00:19:37,567 (baby stirs) Oh, latch. 489 00:19:37,667 --> 00:19:40,300 And then he gave her water for her cranberry pills. 490 00:19:40,400 --> 00:19:43,067 She's prone to UTIs. 491 00:19:43,100 --> 00:19:44,367 But you're not jealous at all? 492 00:19:44,467 --> 00:19:45,600 You know, if you love something, 493 00:19:45,700 --> 00:19:47,567 you have to let it have sex with other people. 494 00:19:47,667 --> 00:19:49,267 And then if it comes back to you, dope, 495 00:19:49,367 --> 00:19:51,767 'cause you also get to have sex with other people. 496 00:19:51,867 --> 00:19:53,800 I never heard that version. 497 00:19:53,900 --> 00:19:54,967 I like it. 498 00:19:55,067 --> 00:19:57,867 My whole arm hurts. 499 00:19:57,967 --> 00:20:01,533 Don't you already have HPV? 500 00:20:01,633 --> 00:20:04,033 Of course I have HPV. 501 00:20:04,133 --> 00:20:07,067 I'd almost be embarrassed not to have HPV at this point. 502 00:20:07,167 --> 00:20:09,267 Totally. 503 00:20:09,367 --> 00:20:11,067 But now, I don't have the three strains 504 00:20:11,167 --> 00:20:13,067 that can cause cervical cancer. 505 00:20:13,167 --> 00:20:14,600 (chuckling) 506 00:20:14,700 --> 00:20:17,233 You know... 507 00:20:17,333 --> 00:20:19,300 it's okay, what happened with Craig. 508 00:20:19,400 --> 00:20:21,067 It's like, yeah, we hit it off. 509 00:20:21,167 --> 00:20:23,100 Yeah, he was like, really (bleep) hot. 510 00:20:23,200 --> 00:20:24,133 Yeah. 511 00:20:24,233 --> 00:20:26,133 Yeah, he seemed to really like "Abbi." 512 00:20:26,233 --> 00:20:27,467 Things just don't work out, 513 00:20:27,567 --> 00:20:29,400 but he was right about one thing. 514 00:20:29,500 --> 00:20:32,800 "Rift" is without a doubt Phish's best album. 515 00:20:32,900 --> 00:20:33,900 Studio album, at least. 516 00:20:34,000 --> 00:20:35,567 Can I tell you something? 517 00:20:35,667 --> 00:20:36,900 I don't think I've ever heard a (bleep) Phish song. 518 00:20:37,000 --> 00:20:37,933 What? 519 00:20:38,033 --> 00:20:40,033 And that (bleep) was with a P-H. 520 00:20:40,133 --> 00:20:42,233 Yeah, never. No. 521 00:20:42,333 --> 00:20:44,367 But, like, I feel like I get it, like, it's all, like. 522 00:20:44,467 --> 00:20:46,800 * Dollar for your problem boy 523 00:20:46,900 --> 00:20:49,800 * White dirty having fun in the end * 524 00:20:49,900 --> 00:20:51,167 No. (imitating bass line) 525 00:20:51,267 --> 00:20:52,467 No, dude. 526 00:20:52,567 --> 00:20:56,167 It's not far off though. 527 00:20:56,267 --> 00:20:58,500 (imitating guitar) (imitating percussion) 528 00:21:00,467 --> 00:21:04,267 * She said she don't wanna go downtown * 529 00:21:04,367 --> 00:21:06,500 * She wanna stay on the farm 530 00:21:06,600 --> 00:21:07,533 Yeah! 531 00:21:13,833 --> 00:21:15,867 ** 532 00:21:27,267 --> 00:21:27,567 Cool.