1 00:00:14,933 --> 00:00:16,267 Oh, my God. 2 00:00:16,333 --> 00:00:18,600 Who did this? 3 00:00:19,867 --> 00:00:22,267 "We've pissed our pants so many a time, 4 00:00:22,333 --> 00:00:24,567 "but this place was first and thus sublime. 5 00:00:24,633 --> 00:00:27,800 "You'll find the next clue where the trash is disposed, 6 00:00:27,867 --> 00:00:31,700 the cleanest can on the block, right next to the hose." 7 00:00:31,767 --> 00:00:34,867 "P.S. Dress cute and hot and fresh and young." 8 00:00:34,933 --> 00:00:37,000 Oh, my God, yes. 9 00:00:37,067 --> 00:00:38,667 Scavenger hunt! 10 00:00:38,733 --> 00:00:40,567 ** 11 00:00:40,633 --> 00:00:42,900 Ha ha ha! 12 00:00:42,967 --> 00:00:45,333 Forgot my phone. Okay. 13 00:00:46,433 --> 00:00:48,633 (gasps and exhales) 14 00:00:48,700 --> 00:00:51,233 * Four and three and two and one one-one ** 15 00:00:51,300 --> 00:00:55,633 ** 16 00:00:55,700 --> 00:00:58,600 The garbage can next to the hose... 17 00:00:58,667 --> 00:01:01,100 ** 18 00:01:01,167 --> 00:01:02,567 Ew... 19 00:01:02,633 --> 00:01:05,633 "The next clue is held tight by a long-haired purveyor 20 00:01:05,700 --> 00:01:07,800 "in the place you got a hickey 21 00:01:07,867 --> 00:01:09,633 and I was a player." 22 00:01:18,267 --> 00:01:20,300 Cha-ching! 23 00:01:27,533 --> 00:01:29,167 This is the whole clue? 24 00:01:29,233 --> 00:01:30,333 It's a blank piece of paper. 25 00:01:30,400 --> 00:01:33,900 Put it over the fire, you dumb whore. 26 00:01:33,967 --> 00:01:35,367 Ew! 27 00:01:36,267 --> 00:01:37,867 "The next clue's in a place 28 00:01:37,933 --> 00:01:39,433 "we went and weeped. 29 00:01:39,500 --> 00:01:43,700 A man holds the key, he's prolly asleep." 30 00:01:43,767 --> 00:01:48,700 You know, you're a sexy little bitch. 31 00:01:48,767 --> 00:01:50,067 (laughing) 32 00:01:50,067 --> 00:01:52,600 Where does she find these fucking people? 33 00:01:52,667 --> 00:01:55,267 Thank you for the information. 34 00:01:59,067 --> 00:02:02,467 Put it on my tab, Barney. You got it. 35 00:02:03,533 --> 00:02:06,933 Ha ha! Got her! 36 00:02:08,367 --> 00:02:11,133 (gasping) Oh, my God. 37 00:02:11,200 --> 00:02:12,333 Hi! 38 00:02:12,400 --> 00:02:13,733 Oh-- no, please, don't show me your dick! 39 00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:15,767 I don't wanna see another dick today! 40 00:02:15,833 --> 00:02:17,933 It's a clue. 41 00:02:19,467 --> 00:02:22,067 Oh, my God! Yes! 42 00:02:22,067 --> 00:02:23,200 Thank you! 43 00:02:23,267 --> 00:02:25,600 (puppies yelping) 44 00:02:28,833 --> 00:02:31,967 ** 45 00:02:35,200 --> 00:02:36,867 Hey. 46 00:02:38,067 --> 00:02:39,133 Hey! 47 00:02:39,200 --> 00:02:42,133 Oh, my God, dude. 48 00:02:42,200 --> 00:02:43,500 This is nuts. 49 00:02:43,567 --> 00:02:46,867 That scavenger hunt was insane. 50 00:02:46,933 --> 00:02:49,100 Ha-ha-ha! The Intrepid? Beautiful. 51 00:02:49,167 --> 00:02:51,533 I mean, I've never... experienced anything like that. 52 00:02:51,600 --> 00:02:53,800 I mean, I rode a horse. 53 00:02:53,867 --> 00:02:57,067 I have-- I didn't know that I could ride a horse. 54 00:02:57,067 --> 00:02:58,867 I did. You know me better 55 00:02:58,933 --> 00:03:00,300 than I know myself. Better than you know yourself. 56 00:03:00,367 --> 00:03:01,467 Oh! Same... 57 00:03:01,533 --> 00:03:03,200 (both) Page! 58 00:03:03,267 --> 00:03:05,067 (both laughing) 59 00:03:05,100 --> 00:03:06,567 It's... It's so... 60 00:03:06,633 --> 00:03:09,133 (both) Hilarious! 61 00:03:09,200 --> 00:03:10,600 Yes. 62 00:03:10,667 --> 00:03:12,300 (both) Ahh... 63 00:03:12,367 --> 00:03:15,200 We are an incredible team, and I love you. 64 00:03:15,267 --> 00:03:16,533 That's so sweet. 65 00:03:16,600 --> 00:03:18,433 And look, it's our dish. It is our dish. 66 00:03:18,500 --> 00:03:19,600 I dream of these chicken fingers. 67 00:03:19,667 --> 00:03:20,867 Funny thing is, we won't have 68 00:03:20,933 --> 00:03:22,433 any dreams tonight because we'll be 69 00:03:22,500 --> 00:03:24,367 shitting ourselves so crazy with diarrhea. 70 00:03:24,433 --> 00:03:25,933 Cheers to that. Yeah. 71 00:03:27,333 --> 00:03:29,067 ** 72 00:03:29,133 --> 00:03:30,200 (laughing) 73 00:03:30,267 --> 00:03:31,467 Aren't these incredible? 74 00:03:31,533 --> 00:03:33,667 ** 75 00:03:35,067 --> 00:03:36,167 (both slurping) 76 00:03:36,233 --> 00:03:38,300 So anyway, Happy Friendiversary. 77 00:03:38,367 --> 00:03:40,333 (glasses ding) 78 00:03:40,400 --> 00:03:42,900 Friendiversary... yeah. 79 00:03:42,967 --> 00:03:43,967 Ew. 80 00:03:44,067 --> 00:03:47,800 Dude, that... scavenger hunt 81 00:03:47,867 --> 00:03:50,467 was genius 82 00:03:50,533 --> 00:03:52,133 for the friendiversary. 83 00:03:52,200 --> 00:03:55,267 Okay, so now, gifts. 84 00:03:55,333 --> 00:03:56,467 Ilana, um, 85 00:03:56,533 --> 00:03:58,067 hold on a second, I need to... 86 00:03:58,133 --> 00:04:00,067 You can go first. 87 00:04:00,067 --> 00:04:02,467 No... no. 88 00:04:02,533 --> 00:04:03,767 No, no, you go. 89 00:04:03,833 --> 00:04:06,200 Thank you, 'cause I am so freaking excited. 90 00:04:06,267 --> 00:04:07,400 Yeah. 91 00:04:07,467 --> 00:04:10,200 Okay, so this is a family heirloom 92 00:04:10,267 --> 00:04:13,467 from my great-grandmother, Fanny Rose, who came here 93 00:04:13,533 --> 00:04:15,667 on a ship during "Fiddler on the Roof" times. 94 00:04:15,733 --> 00:04:16,833 And they were experiencing 95 00:04:16,900 --> 00:04:19,367 violence and raids in their shtetl. 96 00:04:19,433 --> 00:04:20,800 Grandma Fanny Rose, being the child, 97 00:04:20,867 --> 00:04:22,333 was the most innocent-looking, 98 00:04:22,400 --> 00:04:24,967 so she swallowed these diamonds, 99 00:04:25,067 --> 00:04:26,467 over and over again, 100 00:04:26,533 --> 00:04:28,133 pooping them out and sifting through the poop 101 00:04:28,200 --> 00:04:30,933 and swallowing them again to continue the cycle 102 00:04:31,067 --> 00:04:34,067 and keep them safe until they were in America. 103 00:04:35,667 --> 00:04:38,800 Wow... Wow, wow... 104 00:04:38,867 --> 00:04:40,267 I don't know what to say. 105 00:04:40,333 --> 00:04:42,333 No words necessary. Just put it on. 106 00:04:42,400 --> 00:04:44,867 Uh, Ilana, I-- I can't accept this. 107 00:04:44,933 --> 00:04:46,933 It's offensive if you don't accept it. 108 00:04:47,067 --> 00:04:49,133 Not just to me but to Grandma Fanny Rose, 109 00:04:49,200 --> 00:04:50,667 may she rest in peace. 110 00:04:51,667 --> 00:04:53,367 Okay... uh... 111 00:04:53,433 --> 00:04:54,867 I'll just try it on. 112 00:04:56,067 --> 00:04:58,733 I can feel her when I hold that necklace. 113 00:04:58,800 --> 00:05:02,233 And I feel like you're bringing her back to life. 114 00:05:02,300 --> 00:05:04,933 It looks gorgeous. 115 00:05:05,067 --> 00:05:06,067 Even, like, on a T-shirt, 116 00:05:06,133 --> 00:05:08,067 you kinda dressed down, which I get. 117 00:05:08,133 --> 00:05:11,067 It's-- it's sort of natural on you. 118 00:05:11,133 --> 00:05:13,133 Thank you. 119 00:05:13,200 --> 00:05:14,433 It's your turn. 120 00:05:14,500 --> 00:05:16,667 Yeah, my turn-- okay. 121 00:05:18,067 --> 00:05:19,233 Um... 122 00:05:19,300 --> 00:05:22,467 I got you, um... 123 00:05:22,533 --> 00:05:25,700 (sighing) I did research, 124 00:05:25,767 --> 00:05:27,633 and I thought about it a lot, 125 00:05:27,700 --> 00:05:30,333 and I got a memento 126 00:05:30,400 --> 00:05:32,067 that I-- I think is the best... 127 00:05:32,100 --> 00:05:36,333 Mmm. And it is a... 128 00:05:36,400 --> 00:05:39,300 um, intensive hydrating face mask. 129 00:05:40,600 --> 00:05:41,967 What? Well, okay. 130 00:05:42,067 --> 00:05:45,433 Okay, so, it-- it's a-- it's symbolizing-- 131 00:05:45,500 --> 00:05:49,467 You know, it's a metaphor for how I feel about you. 132 00:05:49,533 --> 00:05:51,600 You feel that I'm dry? No. 133 00:05:51,667 --> 00:05:55,800 No, I feel that you are nourishing. 134 00:05:57,833 --> 00:06:02,667 And that you're extremely rejuvenating for me. 135 00:06:02,733 --> 00:06:05,400 You regenerate me. 136 00:06:05,467 --> 00:06:06,933 And you restore me, 137 00:06:07,067 --> 00:06:09,733 my-- not only myself but my skin. 138 00:06:09,800 --> 00:06:12,267 Great, thank you, thank you so much, great. Yeah. Are you mad? 139 00:06:12,333 --> 00:06:13,467 (sighing) 140 00:06:13,533 --> 00:06:15,400 Not mad, just informed. 141 00:06:15,467 --> 00:06:20,100 Well, Ilana, get ready... 142 00:06:20,167 --> 00:06:22,067 because... 143 00:06:22,133 --> 00:06:25,133 I planned... 144 00:06:25,200 --> 00:06:28,067 a big night... 145 00:06:28,067 --> 00:06:31,600 on the top of the Empire... 146 00:06:31,667 --> 00:06:34,767 State Building! 147 00:06:34,833 --> 00:06:36,733 And I got the bill as well. 148 00:06:36,800 --> 00:06:38,600 No, the tradition is that we go Dutch, 149 00:06:38,667 --> 00:06:39,933 unless you forgot. 150 00:06:40,067 --> 00:06:41,700 No, I did not forget. 151 00:06:41,767 --> 00:06:44,233 I love that tradition and very much remember. 152 00:06:44,300 --> 00:06:45,367 Mm-hmm. 153 00:06:47,133 --> 00:06:49,433 I think it's actually better up here in the rain. 154 00:06:49,500 --> 00:06:50,967 Hmm. Hmm. 155 00:06:51,067 --> 00:06:53,267 Glad I spent 1,200 bucks getting these heads made. 156 00:06:53,333 --> 00:06:55,067 What? Forget it. 157 00:06:57,267 --> 00:06:58,733 It is kinda romantic. 158 00:06:58,800 --> 00:06:59,800 Romantic, I was just about to say that. 159 00:06:59,867 --> 00:07:01,200 We are, like, inseparable 160 00:07:01,267 --> 00:07:03,600 and, like, on the same page, totally, completely. 161 00:07:03,667 --> 00:07:05,067 Oh, my God, Ilana, 162 00:07:05,100 --> 00:07:07,400 and I-- and I planned an activity, for us. 163 00:07:08,533 --> 00:07:09,800 Check out the city. 164 00:07:09,867 --> 00:07:13,067 Come on. Here we go. 165 00:07:13,133 --> 00:07:15,133 You're up first. 166 00:07:15,200 --> 00:07:16,667 VIPs. 167 00:07:22,067 --> 00:07:23,067 Wow. 168 00:07:23,133 --> 00:07:25,100 The city really is so magical. 169 00:07:26,600 --> 00:07:28,800 Oh, my God, dude! 170 00:07:28,867 --> 00:07:30,433 What? Hot sex! 171 00:07:30,500 --> 00:07:32,367 Look right there. Let me see, let me see, let me see. 172 00:07:32,433 --> 00:07:34,067 (Ilana laughing) 173 00:07:35,800 --> 00:07:38,933 Oh, my God, Ilana, this is fucking disgusting. 174 00:07:39,067 --> 00:07:41,267 You are so prude. 175 00:07:41,333 --> 00:07:42,600 It's weird. 176 00:07:42,667 --> 00:07:44,400 No, I'm not. 177 00:07:47,133 --> 00:07:51,867 Two ladies? Oh, my God! You gotta see this! 178 00:07:51,933 --> 00:07:53,667 We gotta come up here more often. 179 00:07:57,067 --> 00:07:59,067 What the fuck, Ilana? 180 00:07:59,067 --> 00:08:00,733 Do not be a fucking homophobe. 181 00:08:00,800 --> 00:08:02,100 No, look! 182 00:08:05,467 --> 00:08:07,133 (Abbi) No! 183 00:08:07,200 --> 00:08:08,500 (gasping) 184 00:08:08,567 --> 00:08:10,333 (both) Holy shit! 185 00:08:15,133 --> 00:08:16,300 Okay, love bugs, so you say 186 00:08:16,367 --> 00:08:18,400 she fell off the fifth floor balcony? 187 00:08:18,467 --> 00:08:20,300 Yeah, it was the one with the blue towel, 188 00:08:20,367 --> 00:08:21,800 and she fell, like, right here. 189 00:08:21,867 --> 00:08:24,500 And then her-- her body bounced. 190 00:08:24,567 --> 00:08:25,800 Right over there. 191 00:08:25,867 --> 00:08:27,367 Oh! 192 00:08:27,433 --> 00:08:29,533 Cool. 193 00:08:29,600 --> 00:08:32,167 I'm sorry, sweethearts, there's no evidence here. 194 00:08:32,233 --> 00:08:33,867 Maybe you two were bored. 195 00:08:33,933 --> 00:08:35,467 You just need a little excitement. 196 00:08:35,533 --> 00:08:37,800 You know it's a felony to report a false crime? 197 00:08:37,867 --> 00:08:39,733 Okay, we don't need any excitement. 198 00:08:39,800 --> 00:08:42,333 We were in the middle of excitement. 199 00:08:42,400 --> 00:08:43,833 Okay, all right. Calm down. 200 00:08:43,900 --> 00:08:45,933 You two have a nice night, okay? 201 00:08:46,067 --> 00:08:48,400 (gasping) 202 00:08:48,467 --> 00:08:51,067 I mean, we saw that, right? 203 00:08:51,133 --> 00:08:52,900 Yeah, I mean, I think so. 204 00:08:55,100 --> 00:08:56,867 Ilana, that's the guy! 205 00:09:01,600 --> 00:09:03,133 Holy shit! 206 00:09:03,200 --> 00:09:05,267 (Abbi) Oh, my God. 207 00:09:05,333 --> 00:09:07,067 He's got a Burton bag! 208 00:09:07,067 --> 00:09:08,400 Abbi. Dude. 209 00:09:08,467 --> 00:09:10,567 No, the body's in the bag, Ilana! 210 00:09:10,633 --> 00:09:12,100 Okay, okay. 211 00:09:12,167 --> 00:09:14,200 ** 212 00:09:14,267 --> 00:09:16,667 (Abbi) I mean, what are we even gonna say to him when we confront him? 213 00:09:16,733 --> 00:09:18,067 I mean, are we confronting him? 214 00:09:18,133 --> 00:09:19,400 Yeah, we're gonna be, like, we saw you 215 00:09:19,467 --> 00:09:20,567 kill your girlfriend, bitch! 216 00:09:20,633 --> 00:09:22,600 God, I mean, this is so crazy. 217 00:09:22,667 --> 00:09:24,533 We are being so crazy right now. 218 00:09:24,600 --> 00:09:26,067 What if he has a gun? 219 00:09:26,067 --> 00:09:27,667 He probably does. Everybody has fucking guns. 220 00:09:27,733 --> 00:09:29,767 Oh, my God. I saw this "Oprah" once 221 00:09:29,833 --> 00:09:31,533 where this girl was about to be sexually assaulted, 222 00:09:31,600 --> 00:09:33,133 and then she twisted the dude's dick. 223 00:09:33,200 --> 00:09:35,067 I mean, that is always in the back of my mind. 224 00:09:35,133 --> 00:09:37,300 Yeah, 12th season, 1998. Amazing season. 225 00:09:37,367 --> 00:09:39,067 And then the other girl, who also had been attacked, 226 00:09:39,133 --> 00:09:41,400 pissed on her attacker, and it worked. Genius. Yep. 227 00:09:41,467 --> 00:09:43,067 (Abbi) Genius. 228 00:09:47,733 --> 00:09:50,200 A karaoke bar? What? 229 00:09:53,433 --> 00:09:54,633 Do you see him? 230 00:09:55,667 --> 00:09:57,700 Where the fuck did he go? 231 00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:02,400 ** 232 00:10:02,467 --> 00:10:06,000 ** (vocalizing) 233 00:10:12,733 --> 00:10:14,467 No suitcase. He doesn't have his suitcase. 234 00:10:14,533 --> 00:10:17,667 ** (vocalizing) 235 00:10:21,733 --> 00:10:24,067 What kind of sick fuck comes in here and eats dessert 236 00:10:24,133 --> 00:10:26,067 after he throws his fiancée out of the building? 237 00:10:26,133 --> 00:10:29,933 Why even get engaged if you're just gonna murder her? 238 00:10:30,000 --> 00:10:33,867 ** (indistinct singing) 239 00:10:33,933 --> 00:10:36,733 Ugh, milk? What a fucking baby. 240 00:10:40,200 --> 00:10:43,467 ** (vocalizing) 241 00:10:50,267 --> 00:10:51,733 Let's go. 242 00:10:53,933 --> 00:10:56,867 ** 243 00:11:06,200 --> 00:11:07,700 Let's go. 244 00:11:09,633 --> 00:11:11,700 Hi, um, excuse me, sir, 245 00:11:11,767 --> 00:11:13,233 do you know the name of the movie that that man 246 00:11:13,300 --> 00:11:14,567 just bought tickets to see? 247 00:11:14,633 --> 00:11:16,700 He bought tickets to "Daddy's Back." 248 00:11:16,767 --> 00:11:18,867 Jerking off at "Daddy's Back" 249 00:11:18,933 --> 00:11:21,467 after he kills his wife? Whoa! 250 00:11:21,533 --> 00:11:23,067 How long is the movie? 251 00:11:23,067 --> 00:11:24,833 (Ilana) An hour and 50 minutes. 252 00:11:24,900 --> 00:11:26,867 Plus 45 minutes of previews. 253 00:11:26,933 --> 00:11:29,933 That means we have enough time to sneak into his apartment. 254 00:11:30,067 --> 00:11:33,567 Whoa! No, bitch. You are a cuckoo bitch. 255 00:11:33,633 --> 00:11:35,133 We're not breaking into his apartment. 256 00:11:35,200 --> 00:11:37,567 Okay, Ilana, you were the one that just said 257 00:11:37,633 --> 00:11:38,800 that we're like, this productive 258 00:11:38,867 --> 00:11:41,067 and efficient team. We run this city. 259 00:11:41,100 --> 00:11:43,733 You know, the mother of his children does deserve her justice. 260 00:11:43,800 --> 00:11:45,467 Her story must be heard. 261 00:11:45,533 --> 00:11:47,067 You're right. 262 00:11:47,067 --> 00:11:49,633 Yeah, we just need to make sure we do this the smart way. 263 00:11:50,600 --> 00:11:52,533 (giggling) 264 00:11:52,600 --> 00:11:54,600 Hi! Ladies, can I help you? 265 00:11:54,667 --> 00:11:56,200 You can indeed. 266 00:11:56,267 --> 00:11:58,533 We are here to surprise our uncle. 267 00:11:58,600 --> 00:11:59,800 (Abbi) We're his nieces. 268 00:11:59,867 --> 00:12:01,200 He just left a little bit ago, 269 00:12:01,267 --> 00:12:02,933 and we wanted to sneak into his apartment 270 00:12:03,067 --> 00:12:05,633 to surprise him for his birthday. 271 00:12:05,700 --> 00:12:07,533 See, we got a cake and everything. 272 00:12:07,600 --> 00:12:08,633 Ugh, yum. 273 00:12:08,700 --> 00:12:10,500 And we just wanted to set up 274 00:12:10,567 --> 00:12:11,833 before everybody else got here. 275 00:12:11,900 --> 00:12:13,333 We know he's on the fifth floor, 276 00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:15,533 and we know he's on a corner apartment, 277 00:12:15,600 --> 00:12:18,067 but we just forgot the exact number. 278 00:12:18,067 --> 00:12:22,500 Oh, that's Mr. Hudson's apartment, 5D. 279 00:12:22,567 --> 00:12:24,067 Yeah, Uncle Hudson, we love him. 280 00:12:24,067 --> 00:12:26,067 Oh, sweet Uncle Hudson. Yeah. 281 00:12:28,900 --> 00:12:31,533 You two are adorable. 282 00:12:31,600 --> 00:12:33,867 You too. (both laughing) 283 00:12:33,933 --> 00:12:36,133 Jesus, white girls can get away with anything 284 00:12:36,200 --> 00:12:37,933 if you act dumb enough. I know, right? 285 00:12:38,067 --> 00:12:40,200 We're lucky we look dumb. 286 00:12:40,267 --> 00:12:43,067 Healthy-looking hookers. 287 00:12:47,967 --> 00:12:49,133 Whoa. 288 00:12:52,633 --> 00:12:54,133 I mean, this is crazy. 289 00:12:54,200 --> 00:12:55,567 I mean, we really can do anything 290 00:12:55,633 --> 00:12:56,700 if we put our minds together. 291 00:12:56,767 --> 00:12:58,067 So, we have an hour 292 00:12:58,067 --> 00:12:59,400 until he gets out of the movie. Right. 293 00:12:59,467 --> 00:13:01,067 What are we even looking for? 294 00:13:01,133 --> 00:13:02,433 Evidence. 295 00:13:02,500 --> 00:13:04,067 Yeah. 296 00:13:07,167 --> 00:13:10,800 This was a home that... had heart. 297 00:13:14,300 --> 00:13:16,467 Oh, my God. 298 00:13:16,533 --> 00:13:18,500 Holy shit! 299 00:13:18,567 --> 00:13:22,733 This is an entire accordion folder full of takeout menus. 300 00:13:22,800 --> 00:13:24,267 You ever heard of Seamless? 301 00:13:24,333 --> 00:13:26,467 Insane, he probably doesn't even let her on the Internet 302 00:13:26,533 --> 00:13:27,867 'cause she'll read too much. 303 00:13:27,933 --> 00:13:29,333 This is nuts. 304 00:13:29,400 --> 00:13:31,600 Ugh, look at this. They were a happy couple. 305 00:13:31,667 --> 00:13:32,800 Sick. 306 00:13:32,867 --> 00:13:34,800 And all along, his blood is just boiling 307 00:13:34,867 --> 00:13:36,600 that she's so much hotter than he is. 308 00:13:36,667 --> 00:13:38,067 Cleaning supplies. 309 00:13:38,133 --> 00:13:40,567 An entire cabinet full of cleaning supplies? 310 00:13:40,633 --> 00:13:43,467 She thinks that she's gonna use them to clean the toilet. 311 00:13:43,533 --> 00:13:46,333 Guess what. He's using them to clean up her blood. 312 00:13:46,400 --> 00:13:48,300 Mmm. God. 313 00:13:48,367 --> 00:13:50,133 (keys jingling) 314 00:13:55,167 --> 00:13:56,600 (lock rattling) (gasping) 315 00:13:56,667 --> 00:13:59,133 (keys jangling) 316 00:14:04,533 --> 00:14:05,867 Oh, my God. Okay. 317 00:14:05,933 --> 00:14:07,400 Holy shit, holy shit. 318 00:14:09,800 --> 00:14:11,067 Oh, my God. 319 00:14:11,133 --> 00:14:12,467 They're definitely married! Look at all her clothes! 320 00:14:12,533 --> 00:14:14,667 I can't stand dead women's clothes! 321 00:14:14,733 --> 00:14:16,233 Jesus. 322 00:14:16,300 --> 00:14:17,600 Okay. (phone line trilling) 323 00:14:17,667 --> 00:14:19,133 (woman) 9-1-1, what's your emergency? 324 00:14:19,200 --> 00:14:20,267 Hey, it's Ilana. 325 00:14:20,333 --> 00:14:21,867 Um, we-- we called earlier. 326 00:14:21,933 --> 00:14:23,567 Yeah, about the woman being pushed off the balcony! 327 00:14:23,633 --> 00:14:26,133 And now we're being held hostage in a man's apartment. 328 00:14:33,200 --> 00:14:35,333 Oh, my God. The cake! 329 00:14:35,400 --> 00:14:37,433 Sh... I left the cake. 330 00:14:38,400 --> 00:14:40,467 Look, I'm so sorry, dude. 331 00:14:40,533 --> 00:14:42,833 I'm sorry, I think this is the moment that we die. 332 00:14:42,900 --> 00:14:44,200 This is it, this is it. 333 00:14:44,267 --> 00:14:46,533 My mom's gonna be so pissed. 334 00:14:52,667 --> 00:14:54,567 Ilana, can I just say something? 335 00:14:56,400 --> 00:14:58,267 You're my favorite person. 336 00:14:58,333 --> 00:15:00,267 Oh, my God, you're mine. 337 00:15:00,333 --> 00:15:02,267 You're my everything. 338 00:15:02,333 --> 00:15:04,400 And I want to tell you something before we die. 339 00:15:04,467 --> 00:15:06,133 Okay. This morning... 340 00:15:06,200 --> 00:15:08,267 I was the horse. 341 00:15:10,867 --> 00:15:12,267 What? 342 00:15:16,800 --> 00:15:18,467 (floor creaking) 343 00:15:18,533 --> 00:15:20,200 We gotta hide, we gotta-- Go, go, go! 344 00:15:20,267 --> 00:15:21,867 Get in the corner, get in the corner! 345 00:15:21,933 --> 00:15:23,400 (both gasping) 346 00:15:25,700 --> 00:15:27,467 (breaks wind) 347 00:15:29,133 --> 00:15:30,400 Sorry. I'm so sorry. 348 00:15:30,467 --> 00:15:32,133 (all screaming) 349 00:15:32,200 --> 00:15:33,400 God, fuck no! Don't! 350 00:15:33,467 --> 00:15:35,267 No, no, kill me and let her go! 351 00:15:35,333 --> 00:15:36,700 No, Abbi, no! 352 00:15:36,767 --> 00:15:38,267 Who the fuck are you? 353 00:15:38,333 --> 00:15:39,967 What the fuck is that smell? 354 00:15:40,067 --> 00:15:41,433 Chicken fingers from... 355 00:15:41,500 --> 00:15:42,500 (both) The House of Barbecue! 356 00:15:42,567 --> 00:15:44,233 The fuck are you doing here? 357 00:15:44,300 --> 00:15:45,700 We saw you kill your soulmate! 358 00:15:45,767 --> 00:15:47,233 We were on the top of the Empire State Building! 359 00:15:47,300 --> 00:15:49,233 We saw you push her off the balcony, 360 00:15:49,300 --> 00:15:50,767 you sick fuck! 361 00:15:50,833 --> 00:15:52,700 And then we found your fucking sex doll! 362 00:15:52,767 --> 00:15:54,533 You fucking freak! 363 00:15:54,600 --> 00:15:56,067 Oh, you did, did you? Okay. 364 00:15:56,133 --> 00:15:57,800 You wanna know who's in the closet with you? That's Fran. 365 00:15:57,867 --> 00:15:59,467 And you wanna know who fell off the balcony? 366 00:15:59,533 --> 00:16:01,300 That was Fran's sister Lydia. 367 00:16:01,367 --> 00:16:03,467 Lydia's a sex doll, too! 368 00:16:03,533 --> 00:16:05,400 I didn't push her, she fell! 369 00:16:05,467 --> 00:16:07,600 We were making love! 370 00:16:07,667 --> 00:16:10,167 And honestly, it's a real design flaw, 371 00:16:10,233 --> 00:16:12,200 you know, how heavy they make the head. 372 00:16:12,267 --> 00:16:13,900 'Cause sometimes, I wanna put the girls up against something, 373 00:16:13,967 --> 00:16:15,333 you know, I wanna stand them up straight. 374 00:16:15,400 --> 00:16:17,667 Yeah, yeah, yeah. (stammering) 375 00:16:17,733 --> 00:16:20,067 Well, th-then why was the body in a suitcase, huh? 376 00:16:20,133 --> 00:16:21,467 You were following me? 377 00:16:21,533 --> 00:16:24,067 I was taking my fake wife to get repaired, 378 00:16:24,067 --> 00:16:27,067 because her fucking head fell off when she hit the-- 379 00:16:27,067 --> 00:16:28,700 the fire escape on the way down! 380 00:16:28,767 --> 00:16:31,800 That's a black market sex doll hospital! 381 00:16:31,867 --> 00:16:33,267 Like an American Girl doll hospital. 382 00:16:33,333 --> 00:16:34,833 Exactly. Okay. 383 00:16:34,900 --> 00:16:37,467 Then what were you doing jerking off at "Daddy's Back"? 384 00:16:37,533 --> 00:16:39,767 Yeah! I wasn't jerking off. 385 00:16:39,833 --> 00:16:41,467 I sometimes go to the movie theater 386 00:16:41,533 --> 00:16:44,267 and pay 30 bucks for a ticket because I enjoy the popcorn. 387 00:16:44,333 --> 00:16:47,067 Okay, I-- I'm going to apologize, 388 00:16:47,100 --> 00:16:49,067 'cause I feel really-- This is not right. I'm really sorry, dude. 389 00:16:49,067 --> 00:16:50,367 This is really just awful, you know. We thought it was a-- 390 00:16:50,433 --> 00:16:52,167 We thought it was a woman. No, no. 391 00:16:52,233 --> 00:16:54,067 And we were like-- we were gonna take matters... Everything's trash. 392 00:16:54,067 --> 00:16:55,833 Into our own hands and save this person. I get it, man. 393 00:16:55,900 --> 00:16:58,067 It's really bad, we thought it was battery against women. 394 00:16:58,133 --> 00:17:00,067 Yeah, yeah, that's not you. I mean, that's not you. You wouldn't do that. 395 00:17:00,133 --> 00:17:02,633 (knocking) Right after we explained to the cops why-- 396 00:17:02,700 --> 00:17:04,367 What? Why we-- Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry! 397 00:17:04,433 --> 00:17:06,067 We did not know! We did not know! 398 00:17:06,133 --> 00:17:09,933 So as you can see, this has just been a stupid misunderstanding. 399 00:17:10,067 --> 00:17:14,367 'Cause we really legit thought that he murdered a-a lady. 400 00:17:14,433 --> 00:17:17,367 Not that a true companion, 401 00:17:17,433 --> 00:17:19,800 you know, wasn't injured tonight. No. 402 00:17:21,067 --> 00:17:23,867 (both laughing) 403 00:17:23,933 --> 00:17:25,067 Hey. Okay. 404 00:17:25,133 --> 00:17:26,067 Enough. 405 00:17:26,133 --> 00:17:28,733 (both laughing) 406 00:17:28,800 --> 00:17:30,167 Guys, shut up. 407 00:17:30,233 --> 00:17:33,067 Sorry. This guy... 408 00:17:33,067 --> 00:17:34,100 What's your name? 409 00:17:34,167 --> 00:17:35,200 Uh, Terry. 410 00:17:35,267 --> 00:17:37,467 Terry's just one man... 411 00:17:37,533 --> 00:17:38,800 trying to find a little bit of comfort 412 00:17:38,867 --> 00:17:42,900 in this fucked up, upside down world. 413 00:17:42,967 --> 00:17:46,567 And what's the difference between Fran and your guns 414 00:17:46,633 --> 00:17:48,067 making you feel like men? 415 00:17:48,067 --> 00:17:51,267 And what's the difference between Fran and... 416 00:17:51,333 --> 00:17:53,267 this guy? 417 00:17:53,333 --> 00:17:54,633 If I rubbed him on my clit, 418 00:17:54,700 --> 00:17:56,500 does that make me a fucking freak? 419 00:17:56,567 --> 00:17:59,133 You know, he's soft and-- and firm at the same time. 420 00:17:59,200 --> 00:18:03,300 It's an interesting feeling that I wouldn't mind experiencing. 421 00:18:03,367 --> 00:18:06,467 Ew, Ilana. That was you? 422 00:18:06,533 --> 00:18:09,333 You said disgusting things to me. 423 00:18:09,400 --> 00:18:11,133 Happy Friendiversary. 424 00:18:13,067 --> 00:18:13,967 So sweet. 425 00:18:15,467 --> 00:18:16,700 So what are we doing? 426 00:18:16,767 --> 00:18:18,867 Okay, so you don't want to press charges? 427 00:18:18,933 --> 00:18:20,833 No, we-- we-- we would never. 428 00:18:20,900 --> 00:18:22,600 That's not right. It's like, it was a misunderstanding. 429 00:18:22,667 --> 00:18:25,467 Not you two-- you gals committed a felony. 430 00:18:25,533 --> 00:18:26,800 You, sir, do you wanna-- 431 00:18:26,867 --> 00:18:30,133 No, I-I just want this over. 432 00:18:30,200 --> 00:18:31,300 That's really nice. 433 00:18:31,367 --> 00:18:32,600 Thank you. Okay. 434 00:18:32,667 --> 00:18:34,167 Mmm. Let's go. 435 00:18:34,233 --> 00:18:35,800 So sorry. So sorry about that. 436 00:18:35,867 --> 00:18:37,567 Okay. 437 00:18:40,267 --> 00:18:42,100 Bye, Fran. 438 00:18:43,400 --> 00:18:45,100 (door closes) 439 00:18:49,867 --> 00:18:54,133 Well, Fran... it really is my birthday. 440 00:19:03,133 --> 00:19:04,967 Want some? 441 00:19:07,833 --> 00:19:10,200 Okay, Alec Baldwin. 442 00:19:10,267 --> 00:19:12,200 Oof. No shoes. Yeah. 443 00:19:12,267 --> 00:19:14,667 I feel like he gets pedicures and keeps them nice, right? 444 00:19:14,733 --> 00:19:16,067 Totally. 445 00:19:16,100 --> 00:19:17,800 Okay, Kim Kardash. 446 00:19:17,867 --> 00:19:19,900 Okay, so I'm sure her feet are, like, 447 00:19:19,967 --> 00:19:24,067 sexy or whatever, but I say keep the shoes on. 448 00:19:24,133 --> 00:19:26,533 I'd-- I'd want to see the original feet, sure. 449 00:19:26,600 --> 00:19:28,933 Wait, hold on, you think she got her feet done? 450 00:19:29,067 --> 00:19:31,567 Oh, no doubt. 451 00:19:31,633 --> 00:19:34,200 People get fat injected to the balls of their feet 452 00:19:34,267 --> 00:19:35,933 to make high heels easier to wear. 453 00:19:36,067 --> 00:19:38,267 Ugh, gross. 454 00:19:38,333 --> 00:19:40,167 I know, um... 455 00:19:40,233 --> 00:19:42,067 Ugh, dude. Michael Jordan. 456 00:19:42,067 --> 00:19:43,433 Hmm, okay. Yikes. 457 00:19:43,500 --> 00:19:45,367 Well, I feel like his feet would be, like, super scary. 458 00:19:45,433 --> 00:19:47,667 Horrifying. But so scary that I'd want to see them, 459 00:19:47,733 --> 00:19:49,267 so no shoes, definitely. 460 00:19:52,733 --> 00:19:55,200 Tonight was insane. 461 00:19:55,267 --> 00:19:57,733 Nuts. That was crazy. 462 00:19:57,800 --> 00:19:58,800 Yeah, like... 463 00:19:58,867 --> 00:20:01,267 That was fucking... 464 00:20:01,333 --> 00:20:02,300 That was nuts. 465 00:20:02,367 --> 00:20:04,733 I mean, you jumped in front of me. 466 00:20:04,800 --> 00:20:07,467 You were gonna risk your life for me. 467 00:20:07,533 --> 00:20:10,367 Well, I mean, your scavenger hunt was fucking amazing. 468 00:20:12,733 --> 00:20:14,367 Okay, Ilana, I gotta fess up. 469 00:20:14,433 --> 00:20:15,933 I forgot about our friendiversary. 470 00:20:16,000 --> 00:20:19,267 I'm sorry, I-- I'm really sorry. 471 00:20:19,333 --> 00:20:20,367 Yeah, I know. 472 00:20:20,433 --> 00:20:22,433 But that doesn't mean you should die. 473 00:20:22,500 --> 00:20:23,867 No, no, I know, 474 00:20:23,933 --> 00:20:25,500 but you did the whole scavenger hunt, 475 00:20:25,567 --> 00:20:26,733 and then you also gave me 476 00:20:26,800 --> 00:20:28,667 your great-grandmother's necklace that she kept 477 00:20:28,733 --> 00:20:30,533 up her butt or whatever. 478 00:20:30,600 --> 00:20:33,100 I-- I should-- I should probably take that back. 479 00:20:33,167 --> 00:20:34,367 Yeah, I would love to give it back. 480 00:20:34,433 --> 00:20:35,967 That was a really intense story, 481 00:20:36,033 --> 00:20:37,300 and I just feel weird having it on my neck. 482 00:20:37,367 --> 00:20:39,367 It was inappropriate, but my love for you is 483 00:20:39,433 --> 00:20:40,933 sometimes inappropriate, and you know what? 484 00:20:41,000 --> 00:20:43,467 It looked beautiful on you tonight, so fuck me. 485 00:20:43,533 --> 00:20:46,000 But Ilana, I just-- I will say that I do 486 00:20:46,067 --> 00:20:48,267 really stand by those sheet masks, 487 00:20:48,333 --> 00:20:49,867 like, I know it's a small thing, 488 00:20:49,933 --> 00:20:52,067 but those are very hydrating. 489 00:20:52,133 --> 00:20:54,300 It's just a great product overall, I think, 490 00:20:54,367 --> 00:20:55,633 in my opinion. 491 00:20:55,700 --> 00:20:58,133 Sure. 492 00:20:58,200 --> 00:20:59,600 Isn't it nuts when you think about 493 00:20:59,667 --> 00:21:03,733 how much shit we have done together since we met? 494 00:21:03,800 --> 00:21:06,167 How powerful we've become? 495 00:21:06,233 --> 00:21:07,867 All the witch energy 496 00:21:07,933 --> 00:21:11,133 we have soaked up from this city. 497 00:21:11,200 --> 00:21:13,067 Also, okay, let's just say 498 00:21:13,067 --> 00:21:15,333 that that dude had murdered his wife tonight. 499 00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:18,267 Right. And let's just say that she was a human. 500 00:21:18,333 --> 00:21:20,067 Yes. I mean, we would have solved 501 00:21:20,133 --> 00:21:22,367 a fucking murder mystery tonight. 502 00:21:22,433 --> 00:21:24,600 I know, we were literally, like, urgh! 503 00:21:24,667 --> 00:21:25,733 (thunder booming) 504 00:21:25,800 --> 00:21:27,933 Oh, my God! 505 00:21:29,267 --> 00:21:32,067 Holy shit, what the-- This is insane. 506 00:21:32,067 --> 00:21:33,733 How are-- How are we not magic? 507 00:21:33,800 --> 00:21:35,333 You tell me, 'cause I don't know. 508 00:21:35,400 --> 00:21:37,400 You can't tell me. You don't know! 509 00:21:44,233 --> 00:21:45,267 I have to tell you something. 510 00:21:45,333 --> 00:21:46,767 Okay. This morning... 511 00:21:46,833 --> 00:21:49,067 Yeah? I was the horse. 512 00:21:49,067 --> 00:21:50,400 (both laughing) 513 00:21:50,467 --> 00:21:52,833 Forget it! Forget it! 514 00:21:54,067 --> 00:21:55,667 Forget it. Forget it. 515 00:21:55,733 --> 00:21:57,100 But can we do one more other one? 516 00:21:57,167 --> 00:21:58,300 One more.