1 00:00:08,800 --> 00:00:10,500 Thank you for house-sitting. Thank you. 2 00:00:10,567 --> 00:00:12,533 I'm taking Oliver for detox in the Hamptons. 3 00:00:12,600 --> 00:00:15,000 Standardized testing has really stressed him out. 4 00:00:15,067 --> 00:00:16,267 Hm. 5 00:00:16,333 --> 00:00:18,900 Now here, make sure you feed the blue macaw, 6 00:00:18,967 --> 00:00:21,433 and make sure the house gets a lot of positive energy. 7 00:00:21,500 --> 00:00:22,933 I think I can manage that. 8 00:00:23,000 --> 00:00:24,100 Great. 9 00:00:24,167 --> 00:00:26,000 Oliver, our Uber's close. 10 00:00:26,067 --> 00:00:27,667 Times tables! Topic sentences! 11 00:00:27,733 --> 00:00:29,433 Five paragraph essay! Five paragraph essay! 12 00:00:29,500 --> 00:00:31,267 Oliver, chill, chill, chill. 13 00:00:31,333 --> 00:00:33,267 Standardized testing does not define you. 14 00:00:33,333 --> 00:00:35,100 Nothing can happen in the global economy 15 00:00:35,167 --> 00:00:37,433 that will ever make you need to work. 16 00:00:37,500 --> 00:00:39,033 (helicopter approaching) 17 00:00:39,100 --> 00:00:40,967 Hi, Uber, we're out front! 18 00:00:41,033 --> 00:00:42,000 Whoa! A helicopter? 19 00:00:42,067 --> 00:00:44,133 I thought Uber just had cars. 20 00:00:44,200 --> 00:00:45,600 Uber has cars? 21 00:00:45,667 --> 00:00:47,433 (car horns blaring) Uh-huh. 22 00:00:50,100 --> 00:00:52,000 Buh-bye! 23 00:00:52,067 --> 00:00:54,267 Enjoy the Hamptons! 24 00:00:54,333 --> 00:00:55,767 (helicopter flying away) 25 00:00:57,967 --> 00:01:01,267 Wow... okay, dude, we're safe. 26 00:01:01,333 --> 00:01:04,700 (grunting) 27 00:01:04,767 --> 00:01:06,067 Ooh. 28 00:01:08,767 --> 00:01:10,133 You know, there's a gate right there. 29 00:01:10,200 --> 00:01:11,467 Oh. 30 00:01:11,533 --> 00:01:13,800 * Four and three and two and one-one * 31 00:01:13,867 --> 00:01:18,400 ** 32 00:01:18,467 --> 00:01:21,067 (angelic music) 33 00:01:21,133 --> 00:01:22,200 This is unreal. 34 00:01:22,267 --> 00:01:24,767 Double jumbo capacity washer-dryer, 35 00:01:24,833 --> 00:01:27,433 cleaning 25 pounds of your dirtiest dog shit 36 00:01:27,500 --> 00:01:28,933 at lightening speed. 37 00:01:29,067 --> 00:01:32,567 ** 38 00:01:40,733 --> 00:01:44,167 Now, mademoiselle, to the tour. 39 00:01:44,233 --> 00:01:47,167 (fast classical piano playing) 40 00:01:47,233 --> 00:01:50,067 ** 41 00:01:54,133 --> 00:01:55,433 Mmm. 42 00:01:55,500 --> 00:01:59,067 (French accent) Enter ze master bath. 43 00:01:59,067 --> 00:02:01,867 (normal voice) Italian marble, Asian marble, 44 00:02:01,933 --> 00:02:05,900 Puerto Rican marble, every ethnicity of marble. 45 00:02:05,967 --> 00:02:07,533 And the coochie de gras... 46 00:02:09,867 --> 00:02:10,800 (Abbi gasps) 47 00:02:10,867 --> 00:02:12,067 Is that a bidet? 48 00:02:12,133 --> 00:02:14,867 You bidet believe it is. Ow. 49 00:02:17,900 --> 00:02:19,267 (bidet beeping) 50 00:02:19,333 --> 00:02:20,300 Let's try staccato. 51 00:02:20,367 --> 00:02:22,800 (water spraying) 52 00:02:22,867 --> 00:02:25,533 I'm gonna check on my online dating profiles. 53 00:02:25,600 --> 00:02:27,500 Whew, the water is perfectly warmed 54 00:02:27,567 --> 00:02:30,067 to accommodate my anus. Oh, my God, dude. 55 00:02:30,100 --> 00:02:33,433 My high school English teacher, Mr. Miller, is on Bumble. 56 00:02:34,833 --> 00:02:37,500 (water running) That is unreal! 57 00:02:37,567 --> 00:02:39,200 Oh, also your Bumble thing is hot. 58 00:02:39,267 --> 00:02:41,100 I don't know, I feel like it's a little creepy. 59 00:02:41,167 --> 00:02:42,467 Hell yeah, 60 00:02:42,533 --> 00:02:44,800 sometimes in life you need creepy, freaky fucks. 61 00:02:44,867 --> 00:02:46,733 Plus, you guys are both adults now. 62 00:02:46,800 --> 00:02:49,400 You must swipe "yas," you cannot swipe "nas." 63 00:02:49,467 --> 00:02:50,933 Yeah, you're right, we are both adults now. 64 00:02:51,067 --> 00:02:52,867 Plus, I always had a thing for him. 65 00:02:52,933 --> 00:02:54,567 Yeah, teachers are the ultimate fantasy. 66 00:02:54,633 --> 00:02:55,800 Yeah, you know what? You're right. 67 00:02:55,867 --> 00:02:58,200 I'm doing it. 68 00:02:58,267 --> 00:02:59,500 (phone beeps) Oh, my God. 69 00:02:59,567 --> 00:03:00,767 Okay, we matched. 70 00:03:00,833 --> 00:03:02,667 Hell yeah, you did, you creepy bitch. 71 00:03:02,733 --> 00:03:04,567 All right, what do I say? Say, um... 72 00:03:04,633 --> 00:03:06,567 I need help studying for my ACTs 73 00:03:06,633 --> 00:03:09,067 and I'm trying to get a 69. 74 00:03:10,700 --> 00:03:13,833 I'm gonna write, "Hey. Long time." 75 00:03:13,900 --> 00:03:16,533 Okay, sent. 76 00:03:16,600 --> 00:03:18,433 (water running heavily) 77 00:03:18,500 --> 00:03:20,067 Okay, um, he's typing. 78 00:03:20,067 --> 00:03:21,533 (water continues running) 79 00:03:21,600 --> 00:03:23,133 He's still typing. Jesus. 80 00:03:24,767 --> 00:03:26,233 Okay, he's-- Okay, he wrote, 81 00:03:26,300 --> 00:03:28,633 "I'm in town, do you want to meet up tonight?" 82 00:03:28,700 --> 00:03:30,833 (moaning and laughing) 83 00:03:30,900 --> 00:03:33,133 Is that about the message or the bidet? 84 00:03:33,200 --> 00:03:35,067 (water pressure decreases) 85 00:03:35,067 --> 00:03:36,867 Honestly, both. 86 00:03:36,933 --> 00:03:39,400 He should come here. This place is so adult. 87 00:03:39,467 --> 00:03:40,867 You know, you'll seem older than he is. 88 00:03:40,933 --> 00:03:42,267 That's perfect. 89 00:03:42,333 --> 00:03:43,500 Okay, I'm gonna say that 90 00:03:43,567 --> 00:03:46,800 we're having an adults-only soiree 91 00:03:46,867 --> 00:03:48,067 and that he should stop by. (fingers snap) 92 00:03:48,100 --> 00:03:49,400 Casual. Love it. 93 00:03:49,467 --> 00:03:50,767 (phone beeps) 94 00:03:50,833 --> 00:03:53,400 Gaga, now all that's left is prep. 95 00:03:53,467 --> 00:03:55,667 Sit your sweet ass on this bidet. 96 00:03:55,733 --> 00:03:58,100 I feel like a wine glass fresh out of the dishwasher. 97 00:04:06,500 --> 00:04:07,633 (bidet beeping) 98 00:04:10,467 --> 00:04:12,400 (water running) Oh... 99 00:04:12,467 --> 00:04:13,733 Now get into it. 100 00:04:13,800 --> 00:04:15,100 So what's going on with you and Lincoln? 101 00:04:15,167 --> 00:04:16,967 It's official now. He's, like, your boyfriend. 102 00:04:17,067 --> 00:04:18,633 Yeah, you know, it's just that, 103 00:04:18,700 --> 00:04:21,333 um, just trying not to choke it out with a label. 104 00:04:21,400 --> 00:04:22,967 Ah... You know, I'm just like, it is an essential part 105 00:04:23,067 --> 00:04:25,100 of my character that I'm just not into labels. 106 00:04:25,167 --> 00:04:28,067 So we're just enjoying the ride. 107 00:04:28,067 --> 00:04:29,867 Yeah, I think that's great. (phone beeps) 108 00:04:30,733 --> 00:04:31,767 Oh, dude, it's him. 109 00:04:31,833 --> 00:04:34,200 Okay, he's on his way. (gasps) 110 00:04:34,267 --> 00:04:35,567 (doorbell rings) 111 00:04:35,633 --> 00:04:37,067 Oh, my God. That was fast. 112 00:04:37,067 --> 00:04:41,133 Yikes. Hot, dude. Dry that sweet ass and move. 113 00:04:41,200 --> 00:04:43,633 It's wet. 114 00:04:43,700 --> 00:04:45,067 You know what, I think I need to change 115 00:04:45,067 --> 00:04:46,467 into something a little more casual 116 00:04:46,533 --> 00:04:47,933 like... resort wear? 117 00:04:48,067 --> 00:04:51,500 "Resort wear"? You are naturally rich. 118 00:04:53,767 --> 00:04:56,333 You ready? Yeah. 119 00:04:56,400 --> 00:04:57,333 Wait, wait, wait, hold on. 120 00:04:57,400 --> 00:04:59,633 Um, do like... 121 00:04:59,700 --> 00:05:01,433 This is, like, a little more mature. 122 00:05:01,500 --> 00:05:03,533 Ooh, perfect. Great. 123 00:05:07,700 --> 00:05:09,100 Oh. Jaimé. (Ilana) Hi. 124 00:05:09,167 --> 00:05:11,233 God, you're a princess... Thank you. 125 00:05:11,300 --> 00:05:13,100 In a castle. Hey. 126 00:05:13,167 --> 00:05:15,533 How you holding up, BB? Ay, how do you think? 127 00:05:15,600 --> 00:05:17,500 You know, I had an adult circumcision 128 00:05:17,567 --> 00:05:21,067 and I cannot get hard for two more weeks. 129 00:05:21,133 --> 00:05:22,167 Why can't you get hard? 130 00:05:22,233 --> 00:05:24,200 'Cause his stitches will tear. 131 00:05:24,267 --> 00:05:25,467 My penis. Duh. 132 00:05:25,533 --> 00:05:27,867 Oh, obviously. 133 00:05:27,933 --> 00:05:29,733 (whispers) You can't just hold books. 134 00:05:29,800 --> 00:05:31,233 You have to actually read them. 135 00:05:31,300 --> 00:05:33,700 Yeah. 136 00:05:33,767 --> 00:05:36,967 (angelic music) 137 00:05:37,067 --> 00:05:38,833 ** 138 00:05:43,300 --> 00:05:45,900 (all laughing) 139 00:05:45,967 --> 00:05:47,133 (washing machine rumbling) 140 00:05:47,200 --> 00:05:48,867 Oh, my God. Um... 141 00:05:48,933 --> 00:05:51,433 I cannot be around vibrations in my current state. 142 00:05:51,500 --> 00:05:54,833 Do you mind if we just... Okay. 143 00:05:54,900 --> 00:05:58,567 (fast classical piano playing) 144 00:06:01,533 --> 00:06:03,767 So... Italian marble, 145 00:06:03,833 --> 00:06:05,567 Asian marble, Puerto Rican marble, 146 00:06:05,633 --> 00:06:08,867 and... the coochie de gras. 147 00:06:10,433 --> 00:06:11,867 (Jaimé gasps) 148 00:06:11,933 --> 00:06:15,400 A bidet is synonymous with sex in rich Guatemala. 149 00:06:15,467 --> 00:06:17,700 A boner is inevitable, I cannot be in here. 150 00:06:17,767 --> 00:06:19,067 I'm so sorry. I-- I-- Go. 151 00:06:19,067 --> 00:06:20,667 I see. Wow. (doorbell rings) 152 00:06:20,733 --> 00:06:22,733 (Abbi) Shit, dude, my teacher's here! 153 00:06:26,167 --> 00:06:28,567 Hello, my dear! 154 00:06:28,633 --> 00:06:30,500 (Ilana) Hello, my, um, 155 00:06:30,567 --> 00:06:33,167 my fluid... dude. 156 00:06:33,233 --> 00:06:34,500 Uh... 157 00:06:34,567 --> 00:06:36,067 Hey. Hey. 158 00:06:36,133 --> 00:06:37,867 Oh, my-- 159 00:06:37,933 --> 00:06:39,500 Okay. He's here, he's here. 160 00:06:39,567 --> 00:06:40,567 Oh. (doorbell rings) 161 00:06:40,633 --> 00:06:42,667 (groans) 162 00:06:42,733 --> 00:06:43,967 We got it. 163 00:06:47,400 --> 00:06:49,100 Hey. Hey, Abbi. 164 00:06:49,167 --> 00:06:50,400 Hey, Mr. Miller. 165 00:06:50,467 --> 00:06:51,500 Richard. Richard. 166 00:06:51,567 --> 00:06:53,267 (door closes) 167 00:06:54,933 --> 00:06:58,133 Um, hey, Ilana, Lincoln, 168 00:06:58,200 --> 00:07:00,367 uh, this is a man. 169 00:07:00,433 --> 00:07:03,567 And this is Lincoln, he is a-- a man, as well. 170 00:07:03,633 --> 00:07:04,567 Friend from way back when. 171 00:07:04,633 --> 00:07:05,900 Pal and a confidant. 172 00:07:05,967 --> 00:07:07,767 Former teacher. He's not my teacher anymore. 173 00:07:07,833 --> 00:07:09,067 We're on a date now. 174 00:07:09,133 --> 00:07:13,133 And this is Lincoln. He is my... 175 00:07:13,200 --> 00:07:15,867 boy... friend? 176 00:07:18,667 --> 00:07:21,900 Yeah. He's my boyfriend. 177 00:07:21,967 --> 00:07:23,367 (Richard) That's great. 178 00:07:23,433 --> 00:07:27,133 Wow, that took a long time... 179 00:07:27,200 --> 00:07:28,400 to say. 180 00:07:33,467 --> 00:07:35,067 Huh, a taxidermy room. 181 00:07:35,100 --> 00:07:37,333 Oh. Nothing. Hi. 182 00:07:37,400 --> 00:07:41,533 Uh, Jaimé, this is, um... Richard. 183 00:07:41,600 --> 00:07:45,367 Um... he was my teach guy. 184 00:07:45,433 --> 00:07:47,767 Not anymore. That's why we're on a date. 185 00:07:47,833 --> 00:07:50,067 I mean, it's not why-- He used to be your teacher? 186 00:07:50,100 --> 00:07:53,200 And now you're on a date? 187 00:07:53,267 --> 00:07:54,300 Yes. 188 00:07:54,367 --> 00:07:57,500 Ow. Excuse me, I'm gonna... 189 00:07:57,567 --> 00:08:01,067 Ow! Can't... touch. I'm so sorry. 190 00:08:01,067 --> 00:08:03,200 (Jaimé grunting) 191 00:08:03,267 --> 00:08:05,800 (angelic music) 192 00:08:05,867 --> 00:08:08,933 ** 193 00:08:13,067 --> 00:08:15,133 Okay, is it kinda weird that we're on a date? 194 00:08:15,200 --> 00:08:16,533 I mean, not really. 195 00:08:16,600 --> 00:08:18,767 I mean, we're adults, right? 196 00:08:18,833 --> 00:08:20,333 Yeah, you're right. I am an adult now. 197 00:08:20,400 --> 00:08:21,400 "Supposably." 198 00:08:21,467 --> 00:08:23,900 Supposedly. With a "D." 199 00:08:23,967 --> 00:08:25,333 Sorry. English teacher mode. 200 00:08:25,400 --> 00:08:27,433 It's fine. 201 00:08:27,500 --> 00:08:30,200 Speaking of which, I did love it when 202 00:08:30,267 --> 00:08:32,967 you used to make Tina Palmer stop saying "like" so much. 203 00:08:33,067 --> 00:08:34,767 She'd never let me sit at her lunch table 204 00:08:34,833 --> 00:08:36,267 because, "like, I wasn't hot enough." 205 00:08:36,333 --> 00:08:37,467 What? Yeah! 206 00:08:37,533 --> 00:08:39,267 You were so much cuter than her. 207 00:08:39,333 --> 00:08:42,267 I mean, you're not so bad yourself. 208 00:08:42,333 --> 00:08:44,833 I used to think about you like that. 209 00:08:44,900 --> 00:08:47,400 I used to think about you like that too. 210 00:08:53,367 --> 00:08:55,900 I, um... 211 00:08:55,967 --> 00:08:58,133 I have to go piss... 212 00:08:58,200 --> 00:09:00,067 hard. 213 00:09:01,267 --> 00:09:02,833 I'm gonna... 214 00:09:02,900 --> 00:09:06,067 Hon, do zip me up. Of course, m'lady. 215 00:09:06,067 --> 00:09:07,400 Mmm. 216 00:09:07,467 --> 00:09:10,067 Oh, sweetie, let me get that for you. 217 00:09:10,100 --> 00:09:11,600 Your fingers are for two things. 218 00:09:11,667 --> 00:09:14,067 Filling cavities, and filling cavities. 219 00:09:14,067 --> 00:09:15,067 (chuckling) 220 00:09:15,100 --> 00:09:16,233 Oh, you! 221 00:09:16,300 --> 00:09:18,333 Mm. My man. 222 00:09:18,400 --> 00:09:20,300 Ilana, I'm gonna be honest 223 00:09:20,367 --> 00:09:22,300 'cause we're in a relationship now. 224 00:09:22,367 --> 00:09:24,167 I don't think you got this 100% right. 225 00:09:24,233 --> 00:09:25,933 This is... this is horrible. 226 00:09:26,067 --> 00:09:29,367 I promise to improve. You're my priority now. 227 00:09:29,433 --> 00:09:32,067 (Abbi) Ilana? 228 00:09:32,067 --> 00:09:34,100 I need to talk. 229 00:09:34,167 --> 00:09:36,433 BRB, Abbi's a priority. 230 00:09:36,500 --> 00:09:38,933 Whoa, love that outfit. Thank you. 231 00:09:39,067 --> 00:09:41,233 Okay, I don't know if I can do this with Richard. 232 00:09:41,300 --> 00:09:42,967 He's, like, really creeping me out. 233 00:09:43,067 --> 00:09:45,067 Mmm, so hot. No, it's not, okay? 234 00:09:45,100 --> 00:09:48,067 He said he thought about me like that. 235 00:09:48,067 --> 00:09:49,367 Like, when I was his student, though. 236 00:09:49,433 --> 00:09:51,367 I mean, you don't think... 237 00:09:51,433 --> 00:09:52,767 that he jerked off to me? 238 00:09:52,833 --> 00:09:54,333 Yeah. Really? 239 00:09:54,400 --> 00:09:55,667 Bitch, durr. 240 00:09:55,733 --> 00:09:57,233 All teachers jerk off to their students. 241 00:09:57,300 --> 00:09:58,533 No, they don't. All teachers do not 242 00:09:58,600 --> 00:09:59,900 jerk off to their students. 243 00:10:00,067 --> 00:10:01,233 Oh, sweet Abbi. 244 00:10:01,300 --> 00:10:02,967 Once students have flowered, 245 00:10:03,033 --> 00:10:04,233 teachers are either fucking them 246 00:10:04,300 --> 00:10:05,467 or jerking off to them. 247 00:10:05,533 --> 00:10:07,233 Respect the ones who only jerk off. 248 00:10:07,300 --> 00:10:08,233 The other ones are in the news. 249 00:10:08,300 --> 00:10:10,033 No, no, no! 250 00:10:10,100 --> 00:10:11,233 Ilana, no. 251 00:10:11,300 --> 00:10:12,600 We can't control our thoughts, dude. 252 00:10:12,667 --> 00:10:14,000 Jerking off is not a crime. 253 00:10:14,067 --> 00:10:15,400 Well, it depends on where you do it. 254 00:10:15,467 --> 00:10:17,000 In the privacy of their own home? 255 00:10:17,067 --> 00:10:19,133 Listen, if Lincoln and I ever have children-- 256 00:10:19,200 --> 00:10:21,767 and believe me, we're not talking about that for a couple of years-- 257 00:10:21,833 --> 00:10:24,300 I hope their teachers are jerking off to them. 258 00:10:24,367 --> 00:10:25,800 You do? 259 00:10:25,867 --> 00:10:27,500 If it keeps their disgusting hands 260 00:10:27,567 --> 00:10:28,900 off my hot-ass, bl-ewish kids, 261 00:10:28,967 --> 00:10:30,400 then yeah. 262 00:10:30,467 --> 00:10:32,400 I don't know, it still creeps me out. 263 00:10:32,467 --> 00:10:34,767 All right, let's get real. 264 00:10:34,833 --> 00:10:37,800 You ever jerk off to JTT? 265 00:10:37,867 --> 00:10:41,067 Jonathan Taylor Thomas? Yeah, I mean, all the time. 266 00:10:41,133 --> 00:10:42,533 As he was on "Home Improvement," 267 00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:45,133 that poreless, olive skin? 268 00:10:45,200 --> 00:10:46,700 Or as he is now, a present day, 269 00:10:46,767 --> 00:10:50,167 31-year-old actor? 270 00:10:50,233 --> 00:10:51,633 Oh, no. 271 00:10:51,700 --> 00:10:54,367 I've been jerking off to a teenager every other night. 272 00:10:54,433 --> 00:10:56,400 And are you a creep? Are you a criminal? 273 00:10:56,467 --> 00:10:58,433 We're all jerking off to teenagers. 274 00:10:58,500 --> 00:11:00,867 And I'll tell you what, they're jerking off to us too. 275 00:11:00,933 --> 00:11:03,633 That's the circle of life. 276 00:11:03,700 --> 00:11:06,067 When you say it like that, it's not creepy at all. 277 00:11:06,133 --> 00:11:07,300 Yes, dude. 278 00:11:07,367 --> 00:11:08,500 Jerking off is all we got. 279 00:11:08,567 --> 00:11:10,100 It literally saves the world. 280 00:11:10,167 --> 00:11:12,333 Thank you. 281 00:11:12,400 --> 00:11:14,567 (grunts) 282 00:11:16,933 --> 00:11:18,100 Oh... 283 00:11:18,167 --> 00:11:19,367 * It's for the look * 284 00:11:19,433 --> 00:11:20,400 * I don't light it * 285 00:11:20,467 --> 00:11:22,067 Love it. 286 00:11:22,133 --> 00:11:23,100 (breaks wind) 287 00:11:23,167 --> 00:11:25,067 Oh, sorry, I'm sorry. Don't-- 288 00:11:25,100 --> 00:11:26,267 Don't even, it's-- 289 00:11:26,333 --> 00:11:27,833 I'm a grown man, so I should have more control 290 00:11:27,900 --> 00:11:29,400 over my pelvic flow, that's all. 291 00:11:29,467 --> 00:11:32,400 No, farts are part of the total relationship package. 292 00:11:32,467 --> 00:11:33,400 Yeah? Mm-hmm. 293 00:11:33,467 --> 00:11:36,067 Watch this. 294 00:11:36,133 --> 00:11:37,300 (breaks wind) 295 00:11:37,367 --> 00:11:39,200 (breaks wind) (laughing) 296 00:11:39,267 --> 00:11:41,233 (breaks wind) Yes! 297 00:11:41,300 --> 00:11:43,167 (breaks wind rhythmically) 298 00:11:43,233 --> 00:11:44,433 (breaks wind) (laughing) 299 00:11:44,500 --> 00:11:45,967 (breaks wind) 300 00:11:46,067 --> 00:11:47,467 (gasps) (breaks wind) 301 00:11:47,533 --> 00:11:49,467 Yeah. This is like a breakdance battle, 302 00:11:49,533 --> 00:11:51,167 but not at all. 303 00:11:51,233 --> 00:11:53,667 (breaks heavy wind) 304 00:11:56,100 --> 00:11:58,367 That was different from the others. 305 00:11:58,433 --> 00:12:00,933 (hoarse) All good. Excuse me one sec. 306 00:12:03,533 --> 00:12:05,167 (choking) 307 00:12:05,233 --> 00:12:07,267 Hey, Ilana, have some perspective. 308 00:12:07,333 --> 00:12:10,667 You shat yourself at a party five weeks ago. 309 00:12:14,633 --> 00:12:17,900 Hey, sorry about those last few things I said. 310 00:12:17,967 --> 00:12:19,333 That sort of came out weird. 311 00:12:19,400 --> 00:12:20,533 It's fine. 312 00:12:20,600 --> 00:12:23,067 If we met right now, you'd just be, like, 313 00:12:23,100 --> 00:12:25,567 a hot dude who happens to teach. 314 00:12:25,633 --> 00:12:27,300 All right. 315 00:12:28,500 --> 00:12:30,733 This is, um, actually pretty good. 316 00:12:30,800 --> 00:12:32,733 Yes, this is, uh, it's amazing. 317 00:12:32,800 --> 00:12:36,100 Got sort of a full body with a tannic grip. 318 00:12:36,167 --> 00:12:38,500 Yeah, I-- I love... 319 00:12:38,567 --> 00:12:41,867 full bodies with tannic grips. 320 00:12:41,933 --> 00:12:44,533 I love those things with my wine. 321 00:12:44,600 --> 00:12:46,200 What do you mean? 322 00:12:46,267 --> 00:12:48,667 Oh, just, what you said. 323 00:12:48,733 --> 00:12:50,200 I was like, "Yep, mm-hmm, me too." 324 00:12:50,267 --> 00:12:51,867 Yeah. 325 00:12:55,067 --> 00:12:57,900 His and hers casket sheets. 326 00:12:57,967 --> 00:13:00,567 This is amazing... 327 00:13:00,633 --> 00:13:02,833 (sighs) Oh, I forgot to tell you 328 00:13:02,900 --> 00:13:05,067 we have brunch with Abbi and Jaimé on Saturday. 329 00:13:05,133 --> 00:13:08,200 Oh, I can't, I already have golf with Dr. Tims. 330 00:13:08,267 --> 00:13:12,833 Okay, I guess we have to make a shared Google Calendar now 331 00:13:12,900 --> 00:13:15,067 so we don't double-book all the time. 332 00:13:15,100 --> 00:13:17,667 Sounds like a great idea. I love Google Calendar. 333 00:13:26,233 --> 00:13:27,700 "Current events..." 334 00:13:29,700 --> 00:13:33,233 (fast classical piano playing) 335 00:13:33,300 --> 00:13:36,300 It's all good. Ay, Dios mío. 336 00:13:36,367 --> 00:13:38,367 ** 337 00:13:40,700 --> 00:13:43,567 That's not good. Books... 338 00:13:43,633 --> 00:13:44,767 Ay! 339 00:13:45,933 --> 00:13:47,467 Ay, stop it! My stitches! 340 00:13:47,533 --> 00:13:50,767 My stitches! Please! Please! 341 00:13:50,833 --> 00:13:53,067 Ah, hello, Europe. 342 00:13:58,400 --> 00:14:01,700 (screams) 343 00:14:01,767 --> 00:14:04,900 ** 344 00:14:07,767 --> 00:14:10,167 I really enjoy Monet's early impressionism. 345 00:14:10,233 --> 00:14:11,767 I mean, I was reading about his process 346 00:14:11,833 --> 00:14:14,067 in "The New Yorker--" Hold on a second. 347 00:14:14,100 --> 00:14:15,367 You read "The New Yorker"? 348 00:14:15,433 --> 00:14:17,500 Yeah, a lot. 349 00:14:17,567 --> 00:14:18,767 Wow, like, the whole thing? 350 00:14:18,833 --> 00:14:21,833 Yeah. Yeah, I usually get through it. 351 00:14:21,900 --> 00:14:24,767 That's so hot. That's, like, 352 00:14:24,833 --> 00:14:26,367 super sexy. 353 00:14:27,700 --> 00:14:29,100 That I can read? 354 00:14:32,267 --> 00:14:36,067 (panicking) 355 00:14:36,100 --> 00:14:38,967 "Pretend like it's day one." 356 00:14:40,700 --> 00:14:43,433 Pretend like it's day one. 357 00:14:43,500 --> 00:14:47,533 Damn, reading is so dope. 358 00:14:47,600 --> 00:14:50,767 ** 359 00:14:50,833 --> 00:14:52,667 * Mirror, mirror, on the wall * 360 00:14:52,733 --> 00:14:55,100 * Tell me what you see * 361 00:14:55,167 --> 00:14:57,567 * It's that, oh my God, it's lookin' heavenly * 362 00:14:57,633 --> 00:14:59,067 * Ooh * 363 00:14:59,133 --> 00:15:02,167 * Poppin' Power Rangers, purple, yellow, pink * 364 00:15:02,233 --> 00:15:05,100 * Throwin' ones, wonder what my mama think * 365 00:15:05,167 --> 00:15:08,233 * Feelin' like a stripper when I'm lookin' in the mirror * 366 00:15:08,300 --> 00:15:11,500 * I'll be slappin' on that ass gettin' thicker and thicker * 367 00:15:11,567 --> 00:15:13,233 * Ohh! ** 368 00:15:13,300 --> 00:15:16,567 Calling Dr. Rice. I have a bad cavity 369 00:15:16,633 --> 00:15:17,967 that needs to get drill-- 370 00:15:18,067 --> 00:15:20,100 (breaks wind) 371 00:15:24,733 --> 00:15:26,067 Ugh. Wake up! 372 00:15:26,100 --> 00:15:27,567 (yelps) 373 00:15:27,633 --> 00:15:30,300 Okay, so we have to talk about this whole relationship thing. 374 00:15:30,367 --> 00:15:32,100 What? Think about what we have sacrificed 375 00:15:32,167 --> 00:15:35,300 to enter this sexless fart party. 376 00:15:35,367 --> 00:15:37,233 When was the last time we even had sex? 377 00:15:37,300 --> 00:15:38,767 We had sex an hour ago. 378 00:15:38,833 --> 00:15:40,333 And that's good enough for you? 379 00:15:40,400 --> 00:15:42,933 I-- I-- I can't. 380 00:15:45,567 --> 00:15:48,533 Told you I have a refractory period. 381 00:15:51,967 --> 00:15:54,567 Oh, good. Chess pieces. There's chess pieces. 382 00:15:57,700 --> 00:16:01,833 Looks like somebody didn't do her homework. 383 00:16:01,900 --> 00:16:04,167 Wait, what? 384 00:16:04,233 --> 00:16:06,067 Ohh... Yeah. 385 00:16:06,133 --> 00:16:07,300 Um, I didn't. 386 00:16:07,367 --> 00:16:09,567 But, I don't know, is there any... 387 00:16:09,633 --> 00:16:12,200 extra credit I can do to bring my grade up? 388 00:16:12,267 --> 00:16:13,667 I don't think so. 389 00:16:13,733 --> 00:16:16,933 Looks like you're getting a big, fat "D" this semester. 390 00:16:22,633 --> 00:16:25,567 (Jaimé whimpering) 391 00:16:25,633 --> 00:16:27,533 Jaimé, don't get hard. 392 00:16:27,600 --> 00:16:29,367 Okay, I gotta hash this out. 393 00:16:29,433 --> 00:16:31,433 Like, are we aiming at forever? 394 00:16:31,500 --> 00:16:33,833 That seems ridiculous. No. 395 00:16:33,900 --> 00:16:36,900 It's cra-- I don't wanna do anything forever. 396 00:16:36,967 --> 00:16:39,900 I like spaghetti, but I don't wanna die with spaghetti. 397 00:16:39,967 --> 00:16:41,967 I mean, I might, but I don't know yet. 398 00:16:42,067 --> 00:16:43,333 I wanna take this one day at a time, 399 00:16:43,400 --> 00:16:44,833 the same way I take spaghetti. 400 00:16:44,900 --> 00:16:48,633 Yeah, 'cause a lifetime sounds ominous and scary. 401 00:16:48,700 --> 00:16:51,100 Yeah, 'cause lifetime implies death. 402 00:16:51,167 --> 00:16:52,700 Think about it like this. 403 00:16:52,767 --> 00:16:54,567 Let's say you won a lifetime supply of Doritos. 404 00:16:54,633 --> 00:16:56,433 I'm listening. At first you'd be psyched, 405 00:16:56,500 --> 00:16:57,500 you got all these Doritos. 406 00:16:57,567 --> 00:16:58,967 Then after a while, 407 00:16:59,067 --> 00:17:00,767 every time you went to grab a bag of Doritos, 408 00:17:00,833 --> 00:17:02,067 you're like, "Oh, I wanna die." 409 00:17:02,100 --> 00:17:04,567 (sighs) So this is what I propose. 410 00:17:04,633 --> 00:17:07,167 We do it for a year, short-term. 411 00:17:07,233 --> 00:17:10,233 And then after that year, we check in with each other. 412 00:17:10,300 --> 00:17:12,600 See how it's going, like a phone contract. 413 00:17:12,667 --> 00:17:14,067 God, I love that. 414 00:17:14,100 --> 00:17:15,733 'Cause I can do that. 415 00:17:15,800 --> 00:17:17,067 And thank you for all the food metaphors. 416 00:17:17,133 --> 00:17:18,400 You're welcome. 417 00:17:18,467 --> 00:17:20,067 I was eating spaghetti and Doritos yesterday. 418 00:17:20,067 --> 00:17:22,067 That's probably why my farts smell so violent. 419 00:17:22,100 --> 00:17:23,400 Right. 420 00:17:23,467 --> 00:17:24,767 I'm gonna avoid that combination in the future. 421 00:17:24,833 --> 00:17:26,900 I'd really appreciate that. 422 00:17:29,067 --> 00:17:32,700 (machine rumbling) 423 00:17:34,300 --> 00:17:36,100 (whispering) Jaimé, be strong. 424 00:17:36,167 --> 00:17:39,900 Penis, be weak. Be weak! 425 00:17:39,967 --> 00:17:45,433 Should we be doing this? You're so young. 426 00:17:45,500 --> 00:17:47,233 I mean, I'm 28. 427 00:17:47,300 --> 00:17:50,900 No, but you're, like, 17, right? 428 00:17:52,767 --> 00:17:55,567 Yeah... I am only 17. 429 00:17:55,633 --> 00:17:58,633 Yeah, like, you don't even know how to drive. 430 00:17:58,700 --> 00:18:01,567 No, I just got my license. 431 00:18:01,633 --> 00:18:04,267 I mean, it's actually just my permit. 432 00:18:09,767 --> 00:18:11,833 There you are, Abbi. 433 00:18:11,900 --> 00:18:13,833 Hold on. Get off, get off. 434 00:18:13,900 --> 00:18:15,500 Okay, um... Sorry. 435 00:18:15,567 --> 00:18:16,833 Were you just pulling my skin back 436 00:18:16,900 --> 00:18:20,433 so I looked more like a child? 437 00:18:20,500 --> 00:18:23,700 We were roleplaying, right? Like you're 17. 438 00:18:23,767 --> 00:18:25,433 I was trying to make you look young-ish. 439 00:18:25,500 --> 00:18:26,867 What the fuck? 440 00:18:26,933 --> 00:18:28,067 (Jaimé) Okay, no more! 441 00:18:28,133 --> 00:18:29,300 Wow! Oh, my-- 442 00:18:29,367 --> 00:18:31,167 Excuse me! Excuse me! Jaimé! 443 00:18:31,233 --> 00:18:33,800 Why are you in here right now? Well, I'm so sorry, okay? 444 00:18:33,867 --> 00:18:35,500 But I was trying to hide in the children's room 445 00:18:35,567 --> 00:18:36,767 so I wouldn't get hard. 446 00:18:36,833 --> 00:18:38,167 But that, sir, that was just disgusting. 447 00:18:38,233 --> 00:18:40,067 I hope you know that. Disgusting. 448 00:18:40,100 --> 00:18:42,333 Yeah, you know what, Richard? That was disgusting, for one. 449 00:18:42,400 --> 00:18:45,100 For two, I exfoliate, like, almost every other day. 450 00:18:45,167 --> 00:18:46,967 And you know what? My skin is radiant. 451 00:18:47,067 --> 00:18:48,433 I don't know that much to be true, 452 00:18:48,500 --> 00:18:49,833 but I know this much to be true. 453 00:18:49,900 --> 00:18:51,900 Abbi, skincare is challenging. 454 00:18:51,967 --> 00:18:53,567 Oh, my God. But we were roleplaying. 455 00:18:53,633 --> 00:18:56,367 All right, well, that's it. 456 00:18:56,433 --> 00:18:58,333 I'm gonna leave you two alone, okay? 457 00:18:58,400 --> 00:18:59,667 But first, I want to thank you. 458 00:18:59,733 --> 00:19:02,167 That image will forever harden my soul 459 00:19:02,233 --> 00:19:03,633 but soften my peepee. 460 00:19:03,700 --> 00:19:05,633 Namaste, you sick, sick man. 461 00:19:05,700 --> 00:19:09,433 Find a reason to leave, thank you, excuse us. 462 00:19:09,500 --> 00:19:14,067 (loud banging) 463 00:19:14,100 --> 00:19:15,767 Look, Abbi, it takes two to Bumble. 464 00:19:15,833 --> 00:19:16,867 Yeah. I'm not your teacher. 465 00:19:16,933 --> 00:19:18,633 You're not my student. Okay. 466 00:19:18,700 --> 00:19:20,167 We're-- 467 00:19:20,233 --> 00:19:21,933 (fire alarm ringing) 468 00:19:22,067 --> 00:19:23,833 Oh, my Gosh. Uh, single file! 469 00:19:23,900 --> 00:19:25,133 Single file? I'm only one person. 470 00:19:25,200 --> 00:19:27,933 Use the buddy system! 471 00:19:31,667 --> 00:19:32,933 All right, roll call. 472 00:19:33,067 --> 00:19:34,467 I think it's-- I think we can see 473 00:19:34,533 --> 00:19:36,100 that we're all here, it's fine. 474 00:19:36,167 --> 00:19:38,333 All clear. 475 00:19:38,400 --> 00:19:39,167 (sighs) 476 00:19:39,233 --> 00:19:40,233 Dryer set fire. 477 00:19:40,300 --> 00:19:42,433 It's a Newton Elite. 478 00:19:42,500 --> 00:19:44,633 It's built only to dry satins, silk, 479 00:19:44,700 --> 00:19:46,133 or gold-infused fabrics. 480 00:19:46,200 --> 00:19:49,833 Looks like you guys are drying cheap cotton and polyester here. 481 00:19:49,900 --> 00:19:51,100 Fire was inevitable. 482 00:19:51,167 --> 00:19:53,100 Thank you, sorry. 483 00:19:53,167 --> 00:19:54,367 (phone vibrates) 484 00:19:54,433 --> 00:19:57,600 Oh, it's Heidi. Okay. Okay, it's okay. 485 00:19:57,667 --> 00:19:58,967 Hey, Heidi. 486 00:19:59,067 --> 00:20:01,533 Yeah, it was a small dryer fire. 487 00:20:03,633 --> 00:20:04,933 Great! 488 00:20:05,000 --> 00:20:07,233 Enjoy the Hamptons, and I'll talk to you soon. 489 00:20:07,300 --> 00:20:11,033 Um, she didn't even know there was a laundry room. 490 00:20:11,100 --> 00:20:12,967 Uh, doesn't affect her in any way. 491 00:20:13,033 --> 00:20:14,233 Wow. That must be nice. 492 00:20:14,300 --> 00:20:15,367 You wanna head back inside? 493 00:20:15,433 --> 00:20:18,500 Um... I don't think so. 494 00:20:18,567 --> 00:20:22,400 Thanks for coming over. It was... interesting. 495 00:20:22,467 --> 00:20:26,033 Goodbye, Abbi. 'Kay. 496 00:20:28,733 --> 00:20:30,267 Richard, wait. 497 00:20:33,033 --> 00:20:36,800 Do you... 498 00:20:36,867 --> 00:20:39,100 jerk off to your students? 499 00:20:39,167 --> 00:20:41,700 All teachers do. 500 00:20:41,767 --> 00:20:43,333 You kinda have to. 501 00:20:46,667 --> 00:20:48,633 Hey, Abbi, one more thing. 502 00:20:48,700 --> 00:20:53,067 You have to keep reading. Your brain is a muscle. 503 00:20:53,133 --> 00:20:55,567 If you don't use it regularly... 504 00:20:55,633 --> 00:20:58,933 it goes away. 505 00:20:59,000 --> 00:21:00,633 What a righteous dude. 506 00:21:02,067 --> 00:21:04,300 * Don't you * 507 00:21:04,367 --> 00:21:07,500 * Forget about me ** 508 00:21:14,233 --> 00:21:15,600 I get carded almost all the time. 509 00:21:15,667 --> 00:21:16,900 I'm sure. Like, almost every time 510 00:21:16,967 --> 00:21:19,333 there's, like, an age limit, I'm questioned. 511 00:21:19,400 --> 00:21:20,900 I bet-- Because people think 512 00:21:20,967 --> 00:21:22,267 I'm... way younger. 513 00:21:22,333 --> 00:21:25,067 Yeah, definitely ten years ago, I'm sure. 514 00:21:25,100 --> 00:21:27,433 I mean, for sure.