Thank you for house-sitting. Thank you.
I'm taking Oliver for detox in the Hamptons.
Standardized testing has really stressed him out.
Hm.
Now here, make sure you feed the blue macaw,
and make sure the house gets a lot of positive energy.
I think I can manage that.
Great.
Oliver, our Uber's close.
Times tables! Topic sentences!
Five paragraph essay! Five paragraph essay!
Oliver, chill, chill, chill.
Standardized testing does not define you.
Nothing can happen in the global economy
that will ever make you need to work.
(helicopter approaching)
Hi, Uber, we're out front!
Whoa! A helicopter?
I thought Uber just had cars.
Uber has cars?
(car horns blaring) Uh-huh.
Buh-bye!
Enjoy the Hamptons!
(helicopter flying away)
Wow... okay, dude, we're safe.
(grunting)
Ooh.
You know, there's a gate right there.
Oh.
* Four and three and two and one-one *
**
(angelic music)
This is unreal.
Double jumbo capacity washer-dryer,
cleaning 25 pounds of your dirtiest dog shit
at lightening speed.
**
Now, mademoiselle, to the tour.
(fast classical piano playing)
**
Mmm.
(French accent) Enter ze master bath.
(normal voice) Italian marble, Asian marble,
Puerto Rican marble, every ethnicity of marble.
And the coochie de gras...
(Abbi gasps)
Is that a bidet?
You bidet believe it is. Ow.
(bidet beeping)
Let's try staccato.
(water spraying)
I'm gonna check on my online dating profiles.
Whew, the water is perfectly warmed
to accommodate my anus. Oh, my God, dude.
My high school English teacher, Mr. Miller, is on Bumble.
(water running) That is unreal!
Oh, also your Bumble thing is hot.
I don't know, I feel like it's a little creepy.
Hell yeah,
sometimes in life you need creepy, freaky fucks.
Plus, you guys are both adults now.
You must swipe "yas," you cannot swipe "nas."
Yeah, you're right, we are both adults now.
Plus, I always had a thing for him.
Yeah, teachers are the ultimate fantasy.
Yeah, you know what? You're right.
I'm doing it.
(phone beeps) Oh, my God.
Okay, we matched.
Hell yeah, you did, you creepy bitch.
All right, what do I say? Say, um...
I need help studying for my ACTs
and I'm trying to get a 69.
I'm gonna write, "Hey. Long time."
Okay, sent.
(water running heavily)
Okay, um, he's typing.
(water continues running)
He's still typing. Jesus.
Okay, he's-- Okay, he wrote,
"I'm in town, do you want to meet up tonight?"
(moaning and laughing)
Is that about the message or the bidet?
(water pressure decreases)
Honestly, both.
He should come here. This place is so adult.
You know, you'll seem older than he is.
That's perfect.
Okay, I'm gonna say that
we're having an adults-only soiree
and that he should stop by. (fingers snap)
Casual. Love it.
(phone beeps)
Gaga, now all that's left is prep.
Sit your sweet ass on this bidet.
I feel like a wine glass fresh out of the dishwasher.
(bidet beeping)
(water running) Oh...
Now get into it.
So what's going on with you and Lincoln?
It's official now. He's, like, your boyfriend.
Yeah, you know, it's just that,
um, just trying not to choke it out with a label.
Ah... You know, I'm just like, it is an essential part
of my character that I'm just not into labels.
So we're just enjoying the ride.
Yeah, I think that's great. (phone beeps)
Oh, dude, it's him.
Okay, he's on his way. (gasps)
(doorbell rings)
Oh, my God. That was fast.
Yikes. Hot, dude. Dry that sweet ass and move.
It's wet.
You know what, I think I need to change
into something a little more casual
like... resort wear?
"Resort wear"? You are naturally rich.
You ready? Yeah.
Wait, wait, wait, hold on.
Um, do like...
This is, like, a little more mature.
Ooh, perfect. Great.
Oh. Jaimé. (Ilana) Hi.
God, you're a princess... Thank you.
In a castle. Hey.
How you holding up, BB? Ay, how do you think?
You know, I had an adult circumcision
and I cannot get hard for two more weeks.
Why can't you get hard?
'Cause his stitches will tear.
My penis. Duh.
Oh, obviously.
(whispers) You can't just hold books.
You have to actually read them.
Yeah.
(angelic music)
**
(all laughing)
(washing machine rumbling)
Oh, my God. Um...
I cannot be around vibrations in my current state.
Do you mind if we just... Okay.
(fast classical piano playing)
So... Italian marble,
Asian marble, Puerto Rican marble,
and... the coochie de gras.
(Jaimé gasps)
A bidet is synonymous with sex in rich Guatemala.
A boner is inevitable, I cannot be in here.
I'm so sorry. I-- I-- Go.
I see. Wow. (doorbell rings)
(Abbi) Shit, dude, my teacher's here!
Hello, my dear!
(Ilana) Hello, my, um,
my fluid... dude.
Uh...
Hey. Hey.
Oh, my--
Okay. He's here, he's here.
Oh. (doorbell rings)
(groans)
We got it.
Hey. Hey, Abbi.
Hey, Mr. Miller.
Richard. Richard.
(door closes)
Um, hey, Ilana, Lincoln,
uh, this is a man.
And this is Lincoln, he is a-- a man, as well.
Friend from way back when.
Pal and a confidant.
Former teacher. He's not my teacher anymore.
We're on a date now.
And this is Lincoln. He is my...
boy... friend?
Yeah. He's my boyfriend.
(Richard) That's great.
Wow, that took a long time...
to say.
Huh, a taxidermy room.
Oh. Nothing. Hi.
Uh, Jaimé, this is, um... Richard.
Um... he was my teach guy.
Not anymore. That's why we're on a date.
I mean, it's not why-- He used to be your teacher?
And now you're on a date?
Yes.
Ow. Excuse me, I'm gonna...
Ow! Can't... touch. I'm so sorry.
(Jaimé grunting)
(angelic music)
**
Okay, is it kinda weird that we're on a date?
I mean, not really.
I mean, we're adults, right?
Yeah, you're right. I am an adult now.
"Supposably."
Supposedly. With a "D."
Sorry. English teacher mode.
It's fine.
Speaking of which, I did love it when
you used to make Tina Palmer stop saying "like" so much.
She'd never let me sit at her lunch table
because, "like, I wasn't hot enough."
What? Yeah!
You were so much cuter than her.
I mean, you're not so bad yourself.
I used to think about you like that.
I used to think about you like that too.
I, um...
I have to go piss...
hard.
I'm gonna...
Hon, do zip me up. Of course, m'lady.
Mmm.
Oh, sweetie, let me get that for you.
Your fingers are for two things.
Filling cavities, and filling cavities.
(chuckling)
Oh, you!
Mm. My man.
Ilana, I'm gonna be honest
'cause we're in a relationship now.
I don't think you got this 100% right.
This is... this is horrible.
I promise to improve. You're my priority now.
(Abbi) Ilana?
I need to talk.
BRB, Abbi's a priority.
Whoa, love that outfit. Thank you.
Okay, I don't know if I can do this with Richard.
He's, like, really creeping me out.
Mmm, so hot. No, it's not, okay?
He said he thought about me like that.
Like, when I was his student, though.
I mean, you don't think...
that he jerked off to me?
Yeah. Really?
Bitch, durr.
All teachers jerk off to their students.
No, they don't. All teachers do not
jerk off to their students.
Oh, sweet Abbi.
Once students have flowered,
teachers are either fucking them
or jerking off to them.
Respect the ones who only jerk off.
The other ones are in the news.
No, no, no!
Ilana, no.
We can't control our thoughts, dude.
Jerking off is not a crime.
Well, it depends on where you do it.
In the privacy of their own home?
Listen, if Lincoln and I ever have children--
and believe me, we're not talking about that for a couple of years--
I hope their teachers are jerking off to them.
You do?
If it keeps their disgusting hands
off my hot-ass, bl-ewish kids,
then yeah.
I don't know, it still creeps me out.
All right, let's get real.
You ever jerk off to JTT?
Jonathan Taylor Thomas? Yeah, I mean, all the time.
As he was on "Home Improvement,"
that poreless, olive skin?
Or as he is now, a present day,
31-year-old actor?
Oh, no.
I've been jerking off to a teenager every other night.
And are you a creep? Are you a criminal?
We're all jerking off to teenagers.
And I'll tell you what, they're jerking off to us too.
That's the circle of life.
When you say it like that, it's not creepy at all.
Yes, dude.
Jerking off is all we got.
It literally saves the world.
Thank you.
(grunts)
Oh...
* It's for the look *
* I don't light it *
Love it.
(breaks wind)
Oh, sorry, I'm sorry. Don't--
Don't even, it's--
I'm a grown man, so I should have more control
over my pelvic flow, that's all.
No, farts are part of the total relationship package.
Yeah? Mm-hmm.
Watch this.
(breaks wind)
(laughing)
(breaks wind) Yes!
(breaks wind rhythmically)
(breaks wind) (laughing)
(breaks wind)
(gasps) (breaks wind)
Yeah. This is like a breakdance battle,
but not at all.
(breaks heavy wind)
That was different from the others.
(hoarse) All good. Excuse me one sec.
(choking)
Hey, Ilana, have some perspective.
You shat yourself at a party five weeks ago.
Hey, sorry about those last few things I said.
That sort of came out weird.
It's fine.
If we met right now, you'd just be, like,
a hot dude who happens to teach.
All right.
This is, um, actually pretty good.
Yes, this is, uh, it's amazing.
Got sort of a full body with a tannic grip.
Yeah, I-- I love...
full bodies with tannic grips.
I love those things with my wine.
What do you mean?
Oh, just, what you said.
I was like, "Yep, mm-hmm, me too."
Yeah.
His and hers casket sheets.
This is amazing...
(sighs) Oh, I forgot to tell you
we have brunch with Abbi and Jaimé on Saturday.
Oh, I can't, I already have golf with Dr. Tims.
Okay, I guess we have to make a shared Google Calendar now
so we don't double-book all the time.
Sounds like a great idea. I love Google Calendar.
"Current events..."
(fast classical piano playing)
It's all good. Ay, Dios mío.
**
That's not good. Books...
Ay!
Ay, stop it! My stitches!
Please! Please!
Ah, hello, Europe.
(screams)
**
I really enjoy Monet's early impressionism.
I mean, I was reading about his process
in "The New Yorker--" Hold on a second.
You read "The New Yorker"?
Yeah, a lot.
Wow, like, the whole thing?
Yeah. Yeah, I usually get through it.
That's so hot. That's, like,
super sexy.
That I can read?
(panicking)
"Pretend like it's day one."
Pretend like it's day one.
Damn, reading is so dope.
**
* Mirror, mirror, on the wall *
* Tell me what you see *
* It's that, oh my God, it's lookin' heavenly *
* Ooh *
* Poppin' Power Rangers, purple, yellow, pink *
* Throwin' ones, wonder what my mama think *
* Feelin' like a stripper when I'm lookin' in the mirror *
* I'll be slappin' on that ass gettin' thicker and thicker *
* Ohh! **
Calling Dr. Rice. I have a bad cavity
that needs to get drill--
(breaks wind)
Ugh. Wake up!
(yelps)
Okay, so we have to talk about this whole relationship thing.
What? Think about what we have sacrificed
to enter this sexless fart party.
When was the last time we even had sex?
We had sex an hour ago.
And that's good enough for you?
I-- I-- I can't.
Told you I have a refractory period.
Oh, good. Chess pieces. There's chess pieces.
Looks like somebody didn't do her homework.
Wait, what?
Ohh... Yeah.
Um, I didn't.
But, I don't know, is there any...
extra credit I can do to bring my grade up?
I don't think so.
Looks like you're getting a big, fat "D" this semester.
(Jaimé whimpering)
Jaimé, don't get hard.
Okay, I gotta hash this out.
Like, are we aiming at forever?
That seems ridiculous. No.
It's cra-- I don't wanna do anything forever.
I like spaghetti, but I don't wanna die with spaghetti.
I mean, I might, but I don't know yet.
I wanna take this one day at a time,
the same way I take spaghetti.
Yeah, 'cause a lifetime sounds ominous and scary.
Yeah, 'cause lifetime implies death.
Think about it like this.
Let's say you won a lifetime supply of Doritos.
I'm listening. At first you'd be psyched,
you got all these Doritos.
Then after a while,
every time you went to grab a bag of Doritos,
you're like, "Oh, I wanna die."
(sighs) So this is what I propose.
We do it for a year, short-term.
And then after that year, we check in with each other.
See how it's going, like a phone contract.
God, I love that.
'Cause I can do that.
And thank you for all the food metaphors.
You're welcome.
I was eating spaghetti and Doritos yesterday.
That's probably why my farts smell so violent.
Right.
I'm gonna avoid that combination in the future.
I'd really appreciate that.
(machine rumbling)
(whispering) Jaimé, be strong.
Penis, be weak. Be weak!
Should we be doing this? You're so young.
I mean, I'm 28.
No, but you're, like, 17, right?
Yeah... I am only 17.
Yeah, like, you don't even know how to drive.
No, I just got my license.
I mean, it's actually just my permit.
There you are, Abbi.
Hold on. Get off, get off.
Okay, um... Sorry.
Were you just pulling my skin back
so I looked more like a child?
We were roleplaying, right? Like you're 17.
I was trying to make you look young-ish.
What the fuck?
(Jaimé) Okay, no more!
Wow! Oh, my--
Excuse me! Excuse me! Jaimé!
Why are you in here right now? Well, I'm so sorry, okay?
But I was trying to hide in the children's room
so I wouldn't get hard.
But that, sir, that was just disgusting.
I hope you know that. Disgusting.
Yeah, you know what, Richard? That was disgusting, for one.
For two, I exfoliate, like, almost every other day.
And you know what? My skin is radiant.
I don't know that much to be true,
but I know this much to be true.
Abbi, skincare is challenging.
Oh, my God. But we were roleplaying.
All right, well, that's it.
I'm gonna leave you two alone, okay?
But first, I want to thank you.
That image will forever harden my soul
but soften my peepee.
Namaste, you sick, sick man.
Find a reason to leave, thank you, excuse us.
(loud banging)
Look, Abbi, it takes two to Bumble.
Yeah. I'm not your teacher.
You're not my student. Okay.
We're--
(fire alarm ringing)
Oh, my Gosh. Uh, single file!
Single file? I'm only one person.
Use the buddy system!
All right, roll call.
I think it's-- I think we can see
that we're all here, it's fine.
All clear.
(sighs)
Dryer set fire.
It's a Newton Elite.
It's built only to dry satins, silk,
or gold-infused fabrics.
Looks like you guys are drying cheap cotton and polyester here.
Fire was inevitable.
Thank you, sorry.
(phone vibrates)
Oh, it's Heidi. Okay. Okay, it's okay.
Hey, Heidi.
Yeah, it was a small dryer fire.
Great!
Enjoy the Hamptons, and I'll talk to you soon.
Um, she didn't even know there was a laundry room.
Uh, doesn't affect her in any way.
Wow. That must be nice.
You wanna head back inside?
Um... I don't think so.
Thanks for coming over. It was... interesting.
Goodbye, Abbi. 'Kay.
Richard, wait.
Do you...
jerk off to your students?
All teachers do.
You kinda have to.
Hey, Abbi, one more thing.
You have to keep reading. Your brain is a muscle.
If you don't use it regularly...
it goes away.
What a righteous dude.
* Don't you *
* Forget about me **
I get carded almost all the time.
I'm sure. Like, almost every time
there's, like, an age limit, I'm questioned.
I bet-- Because people think
I'm... way younger.
Yeah, definitely ten years ago, I'm sure.
I mean, for sure.