1 00:00:08,500 --> 00:00:10,200 It just makes me nuts that this is private. 2 00:00:10,233 --> 00:00:11,967 It's like we're supposed to just, like, circle it? 3 00:00:12,000 --> 00:00:14,200 It's Gramercy Park douchebags. 4 00:00:14,233 --> 00:00:15,467 If I had a key, I would go in there 5 00:00:15,500 --> 00:00:17,467 like every morning and read the whole paper 6 00:00:17,500 --> 00:00:19,667 with a coffee or, like, an Oprah chai. 7 00:00:19,700 --> 00:00:20,567 Ugh. If I had a key, 8 00:00:20,600 --> 00:00:22,767 I'd just grow some fucking weed. 9 00:00:22,800 --> 00:00:24,300 Dude, that is genius. 10 00:00:24,333 --> 00:00:25,733 Rich people never get caught. 11 00:00:25,767 --> 00:00:27,900 (coughing) 12 00:00:27,933 --> 00:00:29,000 Oh, my God. 13 00:00:29,033 --> 00:00:30,333 Are you okay? 14 00:00:30,367 --> 00:00:32,233 Hey, are you okay? Come to the gate. 15 00:00:32,267 --> 00:00:33,267 She knows the Heimlich. 16 00:00:33,300 --> 00:00:34,433 Yeah, c-- come over here! 17 00:00:34,467 --> 00:00:36,767 She knows it now. She took a course! 18 00:00:36,800 --> 00:00:38,100 Come on! Come on! 19 00:00:38,133 --> 00:00:39,600 (coughing) Okay, turn around. 20 00:00:39,633 --> 00:00:42,167 Um, I can't reach. I can't reach. 21 00:00:42,200 --> 00:00:43,867 Ilana, give me your hand. Give me your arm. 22 00:00:43,900 --> 00:00:45,867 Okay, right there. 23 00:00:45,900 --> 00:00:48,800 One... two... three! 24 00:00:48,833 --> 00:00:49,967 Oh, my God! 25 00:00:50,000 --> 00:00:53,300 (gasping) Thank you. 26 00:00:53,333 --> 00:00:55,833 How can I ever repay you for saving my life? 27 00:00:57,467 --> 00:00:59,333 We-- we've never been in the park. 28 00:00:59,367 --> 00:01:01,633 I mean... we would love a tour. 29 00:01:01,667 --> 00:01:03,167 It's beautiful. Love. One love. 30 00:01:03,200 --> 00:01:05,233 Ooh, absolutely not. 31 00:01:05,267 --> 00:01:06,400 Wait, what? 32 00:01:06,433 --> 00:01:08,767 We just saved your life. 33 00:01:08,800 --> 00:01:11,367 That's how you worded it. You just said that. 34 00:01:11,400 --> 00:01:13,100 You have to have a key to come in. 35 00:01:13,133 --> 00:01:14,767 You have one. 36 00:01:16,833 --> 00:01:19,333 Shrug? 37 00:01:19,367 --> 00:01:22,067 Sometimes, I literally hate... 38 00:01:22,067 --> 00:01:23,533 (chuckling) ...humanity. 39 00:01:23,567 --> 00:01:25,967 I-- That was unbelievable. 40 00:01:26,067 --> 00:01:28,900 I-- I can't-- (man coughing) 41 00:01:28,933 --> 00:01:31,600 Really? Oh, no. 42 00:01:32,600 --> 00:01:34,233 This rich baby doesn't know how to eat. 43 00:01:34,267 --> 00:01:35,400 (groans) 44 00:01:35,433 --> 00:01:37,967 * Four and three and two and one-one * 45 00:01:38,067 --> 00:01:40,800 ** 46 00:01:42,800 --> 00:01:45,600 (whimpering) 47 00:01:45,633 --> 00:01:47,833 You cold, BB? Just a little bit. 48 00:01:51,333 --> 00:01:53,433 You are like a Columbian drug lord. 49 00:01:53,467 --> 00:01:57,300 Thank you. That's not gonna work now. 50 00:01:57,333 --> 00:01:59,533 Wow... that is better. 51 00:02:01,600 --> 00:02:05,400 God, it is so amazing to have a day off from work. 52 00:02:05,433 --> 00:02:08,300 I worked seven double-shifts in a row. 53 00:02:08,333 --> 00:02:09,400 Ai, mi amore, you deserve it. 54 00:02:09,433 --> 00:02:10,833 You been working yourself to the bone. 55 00:02:10,867 --> 00:02:13,333 Like, literally, I think I can see the bone in your foot. 56 00:02:13,367 --> 00:02:14,633 Could you please put it away please? 57 00:02:14,667 --> 00:02:16,400 I'm sorry, I have to air it out. 58 00:02:16,433 --> 00:02:18,700 God, it's just nice to have fresh cash, though, you know? 59 00:02:18,733 --> 00:02:20,233 And now that I have the day off, 60 00:02:20,267 --> 00:02:21,933 I can buy myself some happiness. 61 00:02:21,967 --> 00:02:24,400 Exhibit A: this freakin' bed. 62 00:02:24,433 --> 00:02:26,967 A king for two queens, bitch! 63 00:02:27,067 --> 00:02:29,733 You can fit four people in here comfortably. Mmm. 64 00:02:29,767 --> 00:02:31,267 Speaking of orgies, I need to go 65 00:02:31,300 --> 00:02:33,767 put on my penis cream. Do you need any help? 66 00:02:33,800 --> 00:02:36,633 Again, I do not think that's appropriate, Ilana. 67 00:02:36,667 --> 00:02:38,233 (sighs) 68 00:02:38,267 --> 00:02:40,333 At least do it in here. 69 00:02:40,367 --> 00:02:41,833 Okay, that's fair. 70 00:02:44,833 --> 00:02:46,867 Hi. (giggles) 71 00:02:46,900 --> 00:02:50,433 You, uh-- you have something in your teeth. 72 00:02:50,467 --> 00:02:52,433 Oh, I'm so sorry. Is it-- 73 00:02:52,467 --> 00:02:55,267 I-- I think it's my chest hair. 74 00:02:55,300 --> 00:02:57,233 Here. Let me-- I got it. Oh. 75 00:02:57,267 --> 00:02:58,400 Yeah. 76 00:02:58,433 --> 00:03:01,167 I guess I was really going to town. 77 00:03:01,200 --> 00:03:04,067 Yeah. Like, on your chest. 78 00:03:04,067 --> 00:03:05,867 I'm gonna go pee. 79 00:03:05,900 --> 00:03:07,367 Okay. 80 00:03:07,400 --> 00:03:09,767 All right. Don't, uh, fall in. 81 00:03:14,233 --> 00:03:15,600 (exhales) 82 00:03:15,633 --> 00:03:18,533 (giggling) Oh, my God, Bevers! 83 00:03:18,567 --> 00:03:20,067 What're you doing? 84 00:03:20,067 --> 00:03:23,200 Excusez-moi, mademoiselle, 85 00:03:23,233 --> 00:03:26,333 but, uh, who da' fresh man meat? 86 00:03:26,367 --> 00:03:29,767 Okay... ew... to you. 87 00:03:32,367 --> 00:03:34,700 But he's my new boyfriend. 88 00:03:34,733 --> 00:03:36,267 I met him at the gym, he's a paramedic. 89 00:03:36,300 --> 00:03:38,700 And Trey was all like, "You're not a relationship type." 90 00:03:38,733 --> 00:03:40,233 And I was all like-- (scoffs) 91 00:03:40,267 --> 00:03:41,967 "Uh, am I? 'Cause I'm in one now." 92 00:03:42,067 --> 00:03:44,733 I haven't had my ears candled in a while, 93 00:03:44,767 --> 00:03:48,733 but it sounded to me like he gave you multiples. 94 00:03:48,767 --> 00:03:51,367 Okay, were you listening to us have sex? 95 00:03:51,400 --> 00:03:54,133 Yeah. Just listening. 96 00:03:55,500 --> 00:03:58,167 Okay, don't. Please. 97 00:03:58,200 --> 00:03:59,667 Mmm, I'm sorry. 98 00:03:59,700 --> 00:04:02,333 But he is really good at sex. 99 00:04:02,367 --> 00:04:05,167 But I also think that's really about me 100 00:04:05,200 --> 00:04:06,633 knowing my body. 101 00:04:06,667 --> 00:04:08,233 Yeah, I've noticed that too 102 00:04:08,267 --> 00:04:10,633 and I'm proud of you. 103 00:04:10,667 --> 00:04:13,400 God, it's so moist in this bed. 104 00:04:13,433 --> 00:04:15,433 All right. 105 00:04:15,467 --> 00:04:18,067 Oh, hey, uh, this is um-- 106 00:04:18,067 --> 00:04:20,367 I'm Matthew Bevers, I'm Abbi's roommate. 107 00:04:20,400 --> 00:04:23,933 Oh, hey, um-- Mike, I heard. 108 00:04:27,367 --> 00:04:28,500 (making laser sounds) 109 00:04:28,533 --> 00:04:30,733 (mouthing) Out! (clears throat) 110 00:04:32,133 --> 00:04:33,933 ** 111 00:04:38,367 --> 00:04:39,500 (Ilana) Man, this is the first time ever 112 00:04:39,533 --> 00:04:40,767 I'm not bringing my own color. 113 00:04:40,800 --> 00:04:43,400 This is a big day for me, actually. 114 00:04:43,433 --> 00:04:46,400 (gasping) What? What? 115 00:04:46,433 --> 00:04:47,833 These feet. 116 00:04:47,867 --> 00:04:49,467 Very badly abused. 117 00:04:49,500 --> 00:04:50,800 Oh, don't worry about it. 118 00:04:50,833 --> 00:04:52,200 I call 'em "ballerina feet." 119 00:04:52,233 --> 00:04:54,833 Just shave the sides off a little and slap on some color. 120 00:04:54,867 --> 00:04:57,133 And don't be afraid to really grind with that pumice. 121 00:04:57,167 --> 00:04:59,300 Nails not much better. 122 00:04:59,333 --> 00:05:03,367 Thin, baby nails. Are you working class? 123 00:05:03,400 --> 00:05:05,200 Technically... 124 00:05:06,067 --> 00:05:07,667 Wow. 125 00:05:09,500 --> 00:05:10,700 I'll have what she's having. 126 00:05:10,733 --> 00:05:13,300 You're sure? Very expensive. 127 00:05:13,333 --> 00:05:15,533 (laughing) 128 00:05:18,067 --> 00:05:20,467 Money is no object... 129 00:05:20,500 --> 00:05:22,800 for me, although, I appreciate a good laugh. 130 00:05:22,833 --> 00:05:25,533 Listen, I know what it's like to live off tips. 131 00:05:25,567 --> 00:05:27,700 But I did read that terrible "New York Times" headline 132 00:05:27,733 --> 00:05:29,367 about the exploited salon workers. 133 00:05:29,400 --> 00:05:32,200 I want you having this and not the owner. 134 00:05:32,233 --> 00:05:34,200 I am the owner. 135 00:05:34,233 --> 00:05:36,533 Congratulations. 136 00:05:36,567 --> 00:05:39,533 * White guilt, white guilt * 137 00:05:39,567 --> 00:05:41,267 * White guilt 138 00:05:41,300 --> 00:05:44,067 * White guilt * 139 00:05:52,633 --> 00:05:55,133 Well, look at that. 140 00:05:57,133 --> 00:05:58,300 (exhales) 141 00:05:59,667 --> 00:06:03,367 And I realized that a clit looks a lot like a swoosh. 142 00:06:03,400 --> 00:06:04,800 And that's how the logo was born. 143 00:06:04,833 --> 00:06:06,967 (laughing) People don't even realize 144 00:06:07,067 --> 00:06:09,667 they're walking around with clits all over their shoes. 145 00:06:09,700 --> 00:06:12,833 Makes me laugh. It should. 146 00:06:12,867 --> 00:06:15,067 Okay. 147 00:06:16,400 --> 00:06:18,600 Before we get to the Amtrak account, 148 00:06:18,633 --> 00:06:20,567 we gotta talk office party. 149 00:06:20,600 --> 00:06:22,133 We're a month out and I wanna book 150 00:06:22,167 --> 00:06:24,367 that private room at Freemans, so I need to know 151 00:06:24,400 --> 00:06:25,800 who's coming with a plus-one. 152 00:06:25,833 --> 00:06:27,467 Oh, I'm in a committed relationship, 153 00:06:27,500 --> 00:06:29,367 I will be bringing that plus-one. 154 00:06:29,400 --> 00:06:30,867 You mentioned it. Oh, we know. 155 00:06:30,900 --> 00:06:33,067 Yeah, I just, like-- I love being part of a couple. 156 00:06:33,067 --> 00:06:34,967 I'm just, like, that kinda gal, you know? 157 00:06:35,067 --> 00:06:37,167 Woman... girl. 158 00:06:37,200 --> 00:06:39,067 Woman-- you know what? It's not about me. 159 00:06:40,533 --> 00:06:42,367 Do you wanna get back to the clit talk? 160 00:06:42,400 --> 00:06:45,467 No, we're-- we're kinda past that, Abbi. 161 00:06:45,500 --> 00:06:48,733 Totally. My God, this board is a mess. 162 00:06:50,067 --> 00:06:53,067 ** 163 00:06:53,067 --> 00:06:54,667 (grunts) 164 00:06:54,700 --> 00:06:58,200 Do you have a harness in this size? 165 00:06:58,233 --> 00:07:00,800 Can you remind me again why you asked me to meet you 166 00:07:00,833 --> 00:07:04,367 at what turned out to be a sex store? 167 00:07:04,400 --> 00:07:07,233 Because I need a second opinion on a new leotard. 168 00:07:07,267 --> 00:07:09,700 Come on, Ilana! 169 00:07:09,733 --> 00:07:11,467 Why didn't you just ask Abbi? 170 00:07:11,500 --> 00:07:13,167 Because she's with her new boy-toy. 171 00:07:13,200 --> 00:07:15,633 Ooh-ooh! Ha-ha... 172 00:07:15,667 --> 00:07:17,333 What is-- what is that? 173 00:07:17,367 --> 00:07:19,067 It's like '90s canned laughter. 174 00:07:19,067 --> 00:07:22,067 Wait, what about J-- why don't you ask Jaimé? 175 00:07:22,067 --> 00:07:24,400 Gays are not interchangeable, Eliot. 176 00:07:24,433 --> 00:07:25,767 Don't be a fucking homophobe. 177 00:07:25,800 --> 00:07:27,600 I'm gay. Now stop being inappropriate 178 00:07:27,633 --> 00:07:29,100 and tell me if my boobs look good in this. 179 00:07:29,133 --> 00:07:31,433 Ilana, I really don't wanna do this. 180 00:07:31,467 --> 00:07:34,300 Did I or did I not buy you not one, 181 00:07:34,333 --> 00:07:36,633 but two Levain cookies? 182 00:07:36,667 --> 00:07:39,100 Okay, fine. Your boobs look... 183 00:07:39,133 --> 00:07:41,367 b-- bountiful or whatever, I don't know. 184 00:07:41,400 --> 00:07:43,833 Delicious. Thank you. 185 00:07:43,867 --> 00:07:46,267 Now help zip a sister up because I can't with these. 186 00:07:46,300 --> 00:07:48,067 (sighs) 187 00:07:49,400 --> 00:07:50,533 Gentle! 188 00:07:50,567 --> 00:07:51,800 Perfect. 189 00:07:51,833 --> 00:07:53,433 You wanna come to a sick-ass party tonight 190 00:07:53,467 --> 00:07:54,767 with me and Abbi and Jimmels? 191 00:07:54,800 --> 00:07:56,233 Um, whose party is it? 192 00:07:56,267 --> 00:07:58,600 I don't even know. I just clicked on it on Facebook 193 00:07:58,633 --> 00:08:00,167 'cause I need a freakin' place 194 00:08:00,200 --> 00:08:02,533 to flaunt my wealth and my body. 195 00:08:02,567 --> 00:08:06,133 Yeah, I-- I definitely don't wanna go. 196 00:08:06,167 --> 00:08:08,600 But you will certainly be the belle of the ball. 197 00:08:08,633 --> 00:08:09,667 Mmm, well, miss out, brother. 198 00:08:09,700 --> 00:08:12,333 Miss out on your sista's body, baby. 199 00:08:12,367 --> 00:08:13,500 Okay. 200 00:08:13,533 --> 00:08:15,433 ** 201 00:08:16,967 --> 00:08:18,467 All right, well, I'm getting here safe. 202 00:08:18,500 --> 00:08:19,767 Text me later. 203 00:08:19,800 --> 00:08:21,067 No, you hang up first. 204 00:08:21,067 --> 00:08:22,967 (giggling) No, you! No, y-- 205 00:08:23,067 --> 00:08:25,367 Mike? Hello? (car horn honking) 206 00:08:26,567 --> 00:08:28,867 Did somebody order a hot, rich cunt? 207 00:08:28,900 --> 00:08:31,233 Young moolah, baby! 208 00:08:31,267 --> 00:08:33,067 Whoo! 209 00:08:39,167 --> 00:08:40,867 He's so cute, right? Mmm. 210 00:08:40,900 --> 00:08:42,633 Ooh, neck hair. 211 00:08:42,667 --> 00:08:44,267 Ladies, ladies, major conundrum. 212 00:08:44,300 --> 00:08:45,467 What? What? 213 00:08:45,500 --> 00:08:47,467 There is a hottie at this party that looks 214 00:08:47,500 --> 00:08:50,433 just like a male Lucy Liu. 215 00:08:50,467 --> 00:08:51,867 Oh, yes. 216 00:08:51,900 --> 00:08:53,567 (clamoring) 217 00:08:53,600 --> 00:08:55,233 There's a big problem, though. 218 00:08:55,267 --> 00:08:56,833 (whispers) My penis. 219 00:08:56,867 --> 00:08:58,700 I'm sorry? 220 00:08:58,733 --> 00:09:01,567 You know how I have a gorgeous, uncircumcised penis? 221 00:09:01,600 --> 00:09:02,900 Well, I do know. 222 00:09:02,933 --> 00:09:04,567 How have I not told you about his gorgeous, 223 00:09:04,600 --> 00:09:05,700 uncircumcised penis? 224 00:09:05,733 --> 00:09:07,533 You're not listening. 225 00:09:07,567 --> 00:09:09,533 But I love it. I love it because 226 00:09:09,567 --> 00:09:12,367 it has so much more, like-- like sabor, 227 00:09:12,400 --> 00:09:15,233 sensitivity than normal, cut penises do. 228 00:09:15,267 --> 00:09:16,467 Oh, really? Oh, yes. 229 00:09:16,500 --> 00:09:18,800 Circumcision exposes the penile head 230 00:09:18,833 --> 00:09:20,700 decreasing sensitivity over time. 231 00:09:20,733 --> 00:09:22,800 The tip becomes calloused, 232 00:09:22,833 --> 00:09:24,967 leaving cut penises with, like, five percent 233 00:09:25,067 --> 00:09:27,267 of the pleasure experienced by in tact men. 234 00:09:27,300 --> 00:09:29,200 Pullback gang all damn day. 235 00:09:29,233 --> 00:09:30,267 (whispers) Every day. 236 00:09:30,300 --> 00:09:33,167 Whoa, how do you know so much about this? 237 00:09:33,200 --> 00:09:35,367 Honestly, Ab, if you don't read a book soon, 238 00:09:35,400 --> 00:09:37,067 you're gonna forget how. I-- 239 00:09:37,067 --> 00:09:40,500 The problem is because of my particular PH balance, 240 00:09:40,533 --> 00:09:43,667 I am prone... It's okay. 241 00:09:43,700 --> 00:09:46,100 I prone to having the yeasty infections. 242 00:09:46,133 --> 00:09:47,267 He has one now. 243 00:09:47,300 --> 00:09:48,533 That's why I'm wearing this skirt. 244 00:09:48,567 --> 00:09:50,067 Oh... But the thing is, like, 245 00:09:50,067 --> 00:09:53,500 I know I "look good," but I don't feel sexy. 246 00:09:53,533 --> 00:09:56,667 So I've been thinking that maybe it's time for me 247 00:09:56,700 --> 00:09:59,667 to... cut my pepito. 248 00:09:59,700 --> 00:10:02,433 Whoa, that's heavy. 249 00:10:02,467 --> 00:10:03,767 Wow. 250 00:10:05,567 --> 00:10:06,933 Should we drink? 251 00:10:06,967 --> 00:10:08,133 Yes! Yes! 252 00:10:08,167 --> 00:10:09,867 Woo-hoo! Yes! 253 00:10:11,400 --> 00:10:13,367 What's that behind your ear? 254 00:10:13,400 --> 00:10:15,867 Pow! One night off, get me off! 255 00:10:15,900 --> 00:10:18,067 ** 256 00:10:22,533 --> 00:10:25,300 (inhaling) 257 00:10:25,333 --> 00:10:26,833 One last one for mama. 258 00:10:26,867 --> 00:10:28,600 (inhales) 259 00:10:28,633 --> 00:10:30,333 (laughing hysterically) 260 00:10:30,367 --> 00:10:32,067 (screaming) 261 00:10:34,533 --> 00:10:36,700 That's the one football game I watched. 262 00:10:36,733 --> 00:10:38,900 God, you're cute as shit. 263 00:10:38,933 --> 00:10:40,233 Oh, thanks. 264 00:10:40,267 --> 00:10:42,067 You wanna smash later? 265 00:10:42,100 --> 00:10:44,033 Um, uh, no. 266 00:10:44,067 --> 00:10:46,700 Thank you for the polite invite, I guess. 267 00:10:46,733 --> 00:10:49,000 But I'm actually seeing someone. 268 00:10:49,033 --> 00:10:50,167 (scoffs) 269 00:10:50,200 --> 00:10:52,200 Waste of two minutes. 270 00:10:53,433 --> 00:10:54,733 You okay? You want me to cut a bitch? 271 00:10:54,767 --> 00:10:56,400 (chuckles) No, it's all right. 272 00:10:56,433 --> 00:10:57,567 But that's, like, the third dude 273 00:10:57,600 --> 00:10:59,400 that's hit on me tonight. Mmm, not surprised. 274 00:10:59,433 --> 00:11:00,900 That's what happens when you're taken. 275 00:11:00,933 --> 00:11:02,433 Everybody can smell your pheromones 276 00:11:02,467 --> 00:11:04,400 spraying off your mons pubis. 277 00:11:04,433 --> 00:11:07,367 Gotta make my day off count. Work hard, play hard, baby. 278 00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:08,767 Hold up. 279 00:11:09,800 --> 00:11:11,133 (glass shatters) (belches) 280 00:11:11,167 --> 00:11:12,600 Jesus, I'm getting there. 281 00:11:12,633 --> 00:11:13,467 Thanks very much. 282 00:11:13,500 --> 00:11:15,867 Ow! Jesus! 283 00:11:15,900 --> 00:11:17,933 I'm really sorry. It was just the tips. 284 00:11:19,267 --> 00:11:20,700 Ilana, those are dangerous. 285 00:11:20,733 --> 00:11:22,300 Oh, but they do come in handy. 286 00:11:25,767 --> 00:11:27,633 (phone beeps) Mmm, thanks. Oh! 287 00:11:31,600 --> 00:11:33,267 All right, the service in here is terrible. 288 00:11:33,300 --> 00:11:34,800 Swear to God, train service and cell service 289 00:11:34,833 --> 00:11:36,800 has been terrible since we became a fascist state. 290 00:11:36,833 --> 00:11:38,133 You know what? I'm gonna see if I can 291 00:11:38,167 --> 00:11:39,300 get service in another room. 292 00:11:39,333 --> 00:11:41,233 You know what? I'm gonna work my death drops. 293 00:11:41,267 --> 00:11:43,600 Yes. 294 00:11:47,267 --> 00:11:49,600 Ah, that's great, okay. 295 00:11:52,600 --> 00:11:54,800 (woman sobbing) 296 00:12:00,567 --> 00:12:01,800 (gasps) Jesus! 297 00:12:01,833 --> 00:12:04,800 No, I'm so sorry. I just-- I heard you crying. 298 00:12:04,833 --> 00:12:06,833 Uh, are you okay? 299 00:12:06,867 --> 00:12:09,067 (sniffles) Um... 300 00:12:12,567 --> 00:12:14,867 Yeah, I'm sorry. 301 00:12:14,900 --> 00:12:18,067 Sorry, I don't usually-- I just was getting service. 302 00:12:18,100 --> 00:12:20,367 I'm kind of having a tough time. 303 00:12:20,400 --> 00:12:22,367 (sniffles) 304 00:12:22,400 --> 00:12:24,500 Well, actually, my husband and I... 305 00:12:24,533 --> 00:12:26,600 are having a tough time. 306 00:12:26,633 --> 00:12:28,733 And I really-- 307 00:12:28,767 --> 00:12:30,500 I really don't know what to do. 308 00:12:30,533 --> 00:12:32,900 Relationships are tough, take it from me. 309 00:12:34,067 --> 00:12:35,767 How long have you guys been together? 310 00:12:35,800 --> 00:12:37,933 Show me just one. I'll show you both. 311 00:12:37,967 --> 00:12:39,567 I'll show you right now-- Ilana, what's good? 312 00:12:39,600 --> 00:12:40,900 Damien! Hey, hey, what's up? 313 00:12:40,933 --> 00:12:42,267 How are you? Good to see you. 314 00:12:42,300 --> 00:12:43,633 You too. Yeah. 315 00:12:43,667 --> 00:12:44,967 What are you doing here? What're you talking about? 316 00:12:45,067 --> 00:12:47,533 It's my party. I invited you. 317 00:12:47,567 --> 00:12:48,867 Yes. Yeah. 318 00:12:48,900 --> 00:12:50,633 Right. Right, yeah. 319 00:12:50,667 --> 00:12:52,400 Wait, does that mean that 320 00:12:52,433 --> 00:12:54,967 Lincoln's here? 321 00:12:55,067 --> 00:12:57,700 ** 322 00:13:08,633 --> 00:13:09,767 Hold on one second. Whoa. 323 00:13:09,800 --> 00:13:12,100 I'm just gonna grab this. Okay. 324 00:13:12,133 --> 00:13:13,633 (glass shatters) I'll come back for you. 325 00:13:13,667 --> 00:13:15,800 I shouldn't have invited her. 326 00:13:17,333 --> 00:13:19,700 Well, hello. Hey. 327 00:13:19,733 --> 00:13:21,467 Ilana. Ilana Wexler. 328 00:13:21,500 --> 00:13:22,867 Yeah, I-- I know. 329 00:13:22,900 --> 00:13:24,333 How are you? You look great. 330 00:13:24,367 --> 00:13:25,500 You look good too. 331 00:13:25,533 --> 00:13:27,633 You look like a video girl. Mmm! 332 00:13:27,667 --> 00:13:28,967 Woman. Mmm. 333 00:13:29,067 --> 00:13:32,067 Video gi-- You look good. Thanks. 334 00:13:32,067 --> 00:13:33,633 Oh, hey. 335 00:13:33,667 --> 00:13:35,133 Steph, this is Ilana. 336 00:13:35,167 --> 00:13:37,967 Ilana, this is my girlfriend, Steph. 337 00:13:38,067 --> 00:13:40,333 Oh... (stomach rumbles) 338 00:13:40,367 --> 00:13:42,633 No... 339 00:13:42,667 --> 00:13:44,967 * Oh, no, oh, no 340 00:13:45,067 --> 00:13:47,633 (stomach rumbles) * Oh, no... 341 00:13:47,667 --> 00:13:49,500 (stomach rumbles) Oh! 342 00:13:49,533 --> 00:13:51,300 Catch up with you later. 343 00:13:56,533 --> 00:13:59,500 Abbi, I just saw Lincoln and then I met his girlfriend 344 00:13:59,533 --> 00:14:01,967 and I shit myself from a sphincter-quivering, 345 00:14:02,067 --> 00:14:04,567 pelvic-floor-loosening, socially lethal combination 346 00:14:04,600 --> 00:14:06,767 of cheese, champagne, and cocaine. 347 00:14:06,800 --> 00:14:10,067 I need some working fingers in the bathroom pronto 348 00:14:10,100 --> 00:14:12,067 before I Edward Scissors-ass my ass. 349 00:14:12,067 --> 00:14:13,700 You owe me a doo doo favor, bitch! 350 00:14:15,067 --> 00:14:17,300 (whimpers) 351 00:14:18,700 --> 00:14:19,833 (Abbi outgoing message) Hey, this is Abbi. 352 00:14:19,867 --> 00:14:21,200 I'm sorry I can't answer the phone, 353 00:14:21,233 --> 00:14:22,333 probably with my boyfriend, Mike. 354 00:14:22,367 --> 00:14:24,067 We're in a relationship. We're probably-- 355 00:14:24,067 --> 00:14:25,333 Okay. 356 00:14:25,367 --> 00:14:28,067 Thanks for nothing. 357 00:14:28,067 --> 00:14:29,733 (screams) (knock on door) 358 00:14:29,767 --> 00:14:31,067 In use! 359 00:14:31,067 --> 00:14:32,933 Lincoln: Ilana, it's me. 360 00:14:35,067 --> 00:14:36,167 Oh, hey. 361 00:14:36,200 --> 00:14:37,900 Hey, did you shit your leotard? 362 00:14:37,933 --> 00:14:39,300 No. 363 00:14:47,067 --> 00:14:48,367 How'd you know? 364 00:14:48,400 --> 00:14:49,567 I know that face anywhere. 365 00:14:49,600 --> 00:14:51,733 That face is saying, "I'm shitting my leotard." 366 00:14:51,767 --> 00:14:55,067 Mmm. Also, it really smells like shit in here. 367 00:14:55,067 --> 00:14:56,533 Mmm-mmm. It's just distinct. 368 00:14:56,567 --> 00:14:59,367 That's a big... clue. It's just a smell. 369 00:14:59,400 --> 00:15:01,067 It smells how it's supposed to smell. 370 00:15:01,067 --> 00:15:03,267 Well, thank you so much. 371 00:15:03,300 --> 00:15:05,533 I do appreciate you checking in, 372 00:15:05,567 --> 00:15:09,533 but your services are not, um, needed here. 373 00:15:09,567 --> 00:15:12,200 So thank you for, um... 374 00:15:12,233 --> 00:15:14,300 Ow. 375 00:15:15,633 --> 00:15:17,167 (both chuckling) 376 00:15:17,200 --> 00:15:18,867 (high-pitched laughing) 377 00:15:18,900 --> 00:15:20,633 (makes smashing sound) 378 00:15:20,667 --> 00:15:22,367 Yeah, I guess I could use a hand. 379 00:15:22,400 --> 00:15:25,067 Like I said, I'm open to the idea of circumcision. 380 00:15:25,067 --> 00:15:26,500 Okay. You know, Damien, 381 00:15:26,533 --> 00:15:29,233 I just love the full sensitivity to my penis. 382 00:15:29,267 --> 00:15:30,700 Of course. An orgasm for me 383 00:15:30,733 --> 00:15:33,167 is like a full-body experience, you know? 384 00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:34,233 Really? Yeah! 385 00:15:34,267 --> 00:15:35,400 It's like my body fills up with fire 386 00:15:35,433 --> 00:15:36,733 and then I just jump into a glacier... 387 00:15:36,767 --> 00:15:38,367 (grunts) ...that's broken up just for me. 388 00:15:38,400 --> 00:15:41,067 That's how a normal orgasm feels for you? 389 00:15:41,067 --> 00:15:42,400 (chuckling) So sorry. 390 00:15:42,433 --> 00:15:43,933 Maybe there is a language barrier. 391 00:15:43,967 --> 00:15:45,400 Silly Jaimé! 392 00:15:45,433 --> 00:15:46,733 It's like the world crumbles beneath my feet 393 00:15:46,767 --> 00:15:49,300 and when I open my eyes the universe is reborn. 394 00:15:49,333 --> 00:15:50,667 You know what I mean? 395 00:15:50,700 --> 00:15:51,833 Kinda. Yeah? 396 00:15:51,867 --> 00:15:53,133 Yeah. Uh... 397 00:15:53,167 --> 00:15:55,300 When I orgasm it's-- it's kinda like-- 398 00:15:55,333 --> 00:15:59,500 Okay, you know the little basketball hoops 399 00:15:59,533 --> 00:16:01,267 that are in the kiddie pool for the kids? 400 00:16:01,300 --> 00:16:03,933 Yeah. Yeah, so I'm dunking on it. 401 00:16:03,967 --> 00:16:06,800 Pow! Slam dunk! Wet. 402 00:16:06,833 --> 00:16:08,533 And it feels great. 403 00:16:11,467 --> 00:16:13,233 (woman) I mean, we started going out in college. 404 00:16:13,267 --> 00:16:16,733 And we just started going in different directions, you know? 405 00:16:16,767 --> 00:16:19,400 It's been, like, three months since we had sex 406 00:16:19,433 --> 00:16:20,967 and even then, it wasn't good. 407 00:16:21,067 --> 00:16:23,100 I just tried to have sex with him right now, 408 00:16:23,133 --> 00:16:24,267 and he pretended he was asleep. 409 00:16:24,300 --> 00:16:25,500 It is 9:00 PM! 410 00:16:25,533 --> 00:16:26,800 Relationships are complicated. 411 00:16:26,833 --> 00:16:28,133 I mean, I know. 412 00:16:28,167 --> 00:16:29,467 It's about communication 413 00:16:29,500 --> 00:16:31,067 and listening to each other's energies. 414 00:16:31,067 --> 00:16:33,733 Tell him what you want. Tell him what you need. 415 00:16:33,767 --> 00:16:36,400 That's what Mike and I do, and we're great. 416 00:16:36,433 --> 00:16:39,100 Wow, you are right. (laughs) 417 00:16:39,133 --> 00:16:41,967 You just... really get relationships. 418 00:16:42,067 --> 00:16:43,600 I know. 419 00:16:43,633 --> 00:16:45,400 So how long have you two been together? 420 00:16:45,433 --> 00:16:47,167 We've been together... 421 00:16:47,200 --> 00:16:50,100 uh, six long... 422 00:16:50,133 --> 00:16:53,400 long... days. 423 00:16:53,433 --> 00:16:57,933 Wait, what? 424 00:16:57,967 --> 00:17:00,267 (laughing) Well, okay. 425 00:17:00,300 --> 00:17:03,600 Well-- it-- but our connection is like super powerful. 426 00:17:03,633 --> 00:17:05,433 Oh? Um, it's like we've known each other 427 00:17:05,467 --> 00:17:07,267 for, like, three months, four months. 428 00:17:07,300 --> 00:17:08,933 Like, it's-- What's his middle name? 429 00:17:08,967 --> 00:17:11,500 Um... Berto? 430 00:17:11,533 --> 00:17:13,500 Where's he from? From Ohio. 431 00:17:13,533 --> 00:17:16,700 Or is it Iowa? Somewhere-- 432 00:17:16,733 --> 00:17:18,467 Oh, my God. You're not in a relationship, 433 00:17:18,500 --> 00:17:21,300 you're literally sleeping with a stranger. 434 00:17:21,333 --> 00:17:22,467 You won't even know for, like, years, 435 00:17:22,500 --> 00:17:23,633 if you even get that far. 436 00:17:23,667 --> 00:17:25,067 And even then, he could end up being 437 00:17:25,067 --> 00:17:27,433 a completely different person than the guy he is right now. 438 00:17:27,467 --> 00:17:28,633 (laughing) 439 00:17:28,667 --> 00:17:31,533 You're such a fucking idiot. 440 00:17:31,567 --> 00:17:34,500 I'm sorry. Oh, my God! Okay. 441 00:17:34,533 --> 00:17:36,533 Oh, my God. Thank you. 442 00:17:36,567 --> 00:17:38,233 I really needed that. 443 00:17:38,267 --> 00:17:40,767 (sighs) You moron. Six days! 444 00:17:40,800 --> 00:17:42,200 Okay. 445 00:17:42,233 --> 00:17:44,800 (woman cackling) It's not that funny. 446 00:17:45,933 --> 00:17:48,100 This zipper's stuck, we're gonna have to rip it. 447 00:17:48,133 --> 00:17:51,133 I know. Perfect. 448 00:17:54,767 --> 00:17:56,733 Yeah! 449 00:17:57,800 --> 00:17:59,533 Whoa, those things look dangerous. 450 00:17:59,567 --> 00:18:01,300 It's 'cause I'm rich now. 451 00:18:01,333 --> 00:18:02,767 Oh, yeah? Yeah. 452 00:18:02,800 --> 00:18:05,933 Got a dope waiting job and I'm making serious bank. 453 00:18:05,967 --> 00:18:09,133 I'm... much more mature than when you last saw me. 454 00:18:09,167 --> 00:18:12,133 It looks like it. Yes. 455 00:18:12,167 --> 00:18:14,433 Could you close your eyes? 456 00:18:14,467 --> 00:18:16,767 All right. Closed. 457 00:18:19,800 --> 00:18:22,933 Well, Steph seems really nice. 458 00:18:22,967 --> 00:18:24,100 She is. 459 00:18:24,133 --> 00:18:26,900 Yeah, she seems cool and... 460 00:18:26,933 --> 00:18:30,300 pretty and I hope you guys are, um, 461 00:18:30,333 --> 00:18:31,633 making each other orgasm a lot. 462 00:18:31,667 --> 00:18:34,500 Uh, you know, Ilana, me and you, we had-- 463 00:18:34,533 --> 00:18:36,767 we had our own thing going and... 464 00:18:36,800 --> 00:18:38,433 and that was fun but now, I'm-- 465 00:18:38,467 --> 00:18:40,600 I'm getting what I want and I'm happy 466 00:18:40,633 --> 00:18:42,367 and I hope you're getting what you want too. 467 00:18:42,400 --> 00:18:44,533 Yeah. 468 00:18:44,567 --> 00:18:46,567 Oh, you can open your eyes now. 469 00:18:46,600 --> 00:18:48,167 What were you doing while they were closed? 470 00:18:48,200 --> 00:18:51,600 I'm gonna need to buy Damien a bottle of wine or something. 471 00:18:51,633 --> 00:18:53,933 Sorry you had to see me like this. 472 00:18:53,967 --> 00:18:55,867 You're lucky you got out when you did, brother. 473 00:18:55,900 --> 00:18:58,833 I am a rich, disgusting monster. 474 00:19:01,067 --> 00:19:02,567 It's okay. 475 00:19:02,600 --> 00:19:04,233 You should probably just take a shower. 476 00:19:04,267 --> 00:19:08,600 Yeah, what I just did when you closed your eyes made it worse. 477 00:19:08,633 --> 00:19:12,300 Much, much, much worse. It became a medical issue. 478 00:19:12,333 --> 00:19:14,200 (laughing) 479 00:19:14,233 --> 00:19:15,667 (chuckling) 480 00:19:15,700 --> 00:19:17,833 There's only one Ilana Wexler. 481 00:19:19,467 --> 00:19:21,800 ** 482 00:19:23,067 --> 00:19:25,300 Okay, just let me get this out. 483 00:19:25,333 --> 00:19:27,433 Um, someone recently told me 484 00:19:27,467 --> 00:19:28,833 that I'm not a relationship person, 485 00:19:28,867 --> 00:19:31,100 so I think I just dove into this too fast. 486 00:19:31,133 --> 00:19:34,533 I think I just need some time to really figure myself out. 487 00:19:34,567 --> 00:19:35,700 I just wanna make sure you know 488 00:19:35,733 --> 00:19:37,600 it's me and not you. 489 00:19:37,633 --> 00:19:41,067 Oh, well, yeah. It's only been six days. 490 00:19:41,067 --> 00:19:43,133 I didn't realize we were being exclusive. 491 00:19:43,167 --> 00:19:44,200 What? 492 00:19:44,233 --> 00:19:47,500 Well, I've been sleeping with a couple people. 493 00:19:47,533 --> 00:19:50,667 Okay, well, I guess there's nothing more to say 494 00:19:50,700 --> 00:19:53,167 unless you have something to say. 495 00:19:53,200 --> 00:19:54,667 I lost the heartbeat! 496 00:19:54,700 --> 00:19:56,900 (siren wailing) 497 00:19:56,933 --> 00:19:58,933 Oh... 498 00:20:00,833 --> 00:20:01,667 How'd it go? 499 00:20:01,700 --> 00:20:03,467 I-- I let him down easy. 500 00:20:03,500 --> 00:20:04,633 Yeah, it was tough. 501 00:20:04,667 --> 00:20:06,767 Good girl. Yeah. 502 00:20:09,767 --> 00:20:12,200 Okay, baby. Here we go. 503 00:20:12,233 --> 00:20:14,000 Ow! Ow! Hey! 504 00:20:14,033 --> 00:20:16,167 You know, I wanted last night to be so perfect. 505 00:20:16,200 --> 00:20:19,167 But I can't stuff my tips into my empty heart. 506 00:20:19,200 --> 00:20:22,067 Ow! Ay! Ay! Ay! 507 00:20:22,100 --> 00:20:23,900 I'm so sorry. God! 508 00:20:23,933 --> 00:20:26,033 And now I have to lose these tips. 509 00:20:26,067 --> 00:20:28,033 It's like they're leaving office all over again. 510 00:20:28,067 --> 00:20:29,567 I know. 511 00:20:29,600 --> 00:20:31,467 I think it is time for me to lose my tip too. 512 00:20:31,500 --> 00:20:33,800 I'm so sorry, Jaimé. It's okay. 513 00:20:33,833 --> 00:20:35,800 Ow! I'm so sorry. 514 00:20:35,833 --> 00:20:37,200 It's okay. 515 00:20:37,233 --> 00:20:39,700 I'm so sorry too. It's a tough call. 516 00:20:41,933 --> 00:20:45,900 I don't have, um, a like-- a tip metaphor 517 00:20:45,933 --> 00:20:48,200 for me, personally, for today. It's okay. 518 00:20:48,233 --> 00:20:50,967 But I did realize, you know, maybe I'm not 519 00:20:51,000 --> 00:20:52,367 a relationship girl, you know? 520 00:20:52,400 --> 00:20:54,400 Maybe I'm not not one, either. 521 00:20:54,433 --> 00:20:57,500 Like, maybe I'm just figuring it all out. 522 00:20:57,533 --> 00:21:00,133 I'm just gonna focus on myself, you know? 523 00:21:00,167 --> 00:21:02,667 Totally. 524 00:21:02,700 --> 00:21:05,367 Ow! Fuck! 525 00:21:06,567 --> 00:21:07,733 Thank you. 526 00:21:14,833 --> 00:21:16,533 These nails cost $480. 527 00:21:18,633 --> 00:21:21,233 I... Ilana, we need to talk about, 528 00:21:21,267 --> 00:21:22,400 like, your spending. 529 00:21:22,433 --> 00:21:24,433 Oh, you know how to spend?! 530 00:21:24,467 --> 00:21:27,700 It's a lot of pressure having this much money! 531 00:21:27,733 --> 00:21:28,900 Okay.