1
00:00:09,767 --> 00:00:11,700
(male reporter on TV)
Another one bites the dust.

2
00:00:11,767 --> 00:00:14,233
The New York City Snipper
is at it again this morning,

3
00:00:14,300 --> 00:00:16,567
snipping women's ponytails.

4
00:00:19,233 --> 00:00:20,300
(beeping)

5
00:00:20,367 --> 00:00:22,067
Oh, God!
Ooh, oh, geez!

6
00:00:22,133 --> 00:00:23,200
(beeping)

7
00:00:23,267 --> 00:00:25,300
Shit.
Hey, I got it.
Hey.

8
00:00:25,367 --> 00:00:27,800
Oh, wow, thank you.
That's so nice.

9
00:00:27,867 --> 00:00:29,433
No worries.

10
00:00:29,500 --> 00:00:33,533
(grunts)
That just happened to me.

11
00:00:33,600 --> 00:00:34,967
Oh, no, now you
can't get through.

12
00:00:35,033 --> 00:00:36,533
(beeping)

13
00:00:36,600 --> 00:00:38,333
Oh, you know,
it's all good.
Go, go, go, go!

14
00:00:38,400 --> 00:00:39,533
(man)
Hey, come back! Stop!

15
00:00:39,600 --> 00:00:41,300
Shit, shit, shit,
shit, shit, shit...

16
00:00:41,367 --> 00:00:42,833
(vomiting)

17
00:00:42,900 --> 00:00:46,067
Jesus Christ!
Ugh, you're kidding me!

18
00:00:46,133 --> 00:00:48,633
(mumbling)

19
00:00:50,467 --> 00:00:52,167
Thanks again
for swiping me in.

20
00:00:52,233 --> 00:00:53,467
Oh, you're welcome, ma'am.

21
00:00:57,167 --> 00:00:59,300
(humming)

22
00:00:59,367 --> 00:01:01,700
(singing)

23
00:01:03,433 --> 00:01:04,900
(wind chimes)

24
00:01:04,967 --> 00:01:08,133
(tape rewinding)

25
00:01:08,200 --> 00:01:09,967
Donald Trump
will be president!

26
00:01:10,067 --> 00:01:11,767
(reverse vomiting)

27
00:01:14,167 --> 00:01:16,833
(wind chimes)

28
00:01:16,900 --> 00:01:18,367
Shit, shit, shit,
shit, shit, shit...

29
00:01:18,433 --> 00:01:19,533
(vomiting)
(shrieks)

30
00:01:19,600 --> 00:01:22,100
God, are you kidding me?
Ewww!

31
00:01:22,167 --> 00:01:24,333
Ew!
Jesus Christ!

32
00:01:24,400 --> 00:01:25,733
(mumbling)

33
00:01:28,500 --> 00:01:30,633
(woman)
F Train suspended.

34
00:01:30,700 --> 00:01:33,367
Doesn't work anymore,
we gotta close it, guys.

35
00:01:33,433 --> 00:01:34,900
Thank you.

36
00:01:34,967 --> 00:01:37,267
Well, thanks again for
swiping me in up there.

37
00:01:37,333 --> 00:01:38,767
Yeah, you got it.

38
00:01:38,833 --> 00:01:40,600
Um, I'm Abbi.

39
00:01:40,667 --> 00:01:41,933
I'm Ilana.

40
00:01:42,067 --> 00:01:44,067
I'm Robert.

41
00:01:44,067 --> 00:01:45,433
(both)
Hi, Robert.

42
00:01:45,500 --> 00:01:46,933
Hey!

43
00:01:47,067 --> 00:01:49,700
* Four and three
and two and one *

44
00:01:49,767 --> 00:01:52,233
**

45
00:01:55,300 --> 00:01:58,233
Oh, God, I guess I'm just
not gonna go to work.

46
00:01:58,300 --> 00:02:00,200
Can't you just go in,
like, a little bit late?

47
00:02:00,267 --> 00:02:01,833
No, I forgot to lock up
last night,

48
00:02:01,900 --> 00:02:03,333
so then I was supposed
to get there five minutes early

49
00:02:03,400 --> 00:02:04,867
this morning to fake lock up.

50
00:02:04,933 --> 00:02:07,600
And it didn't happen, so...
best thing to do right now

51
00:02:07,667 --> 00:02:09,733
is to smoke a lot of pot.
(chuckles)

52
00:02:09,800 --> 00:02:12,233
I mean, I was just gonna go
to Bed, Bath & Beyond,

53
00:02:12,300 --> 00:02:15,067
but I could definitely
do that high.

54
00:02:15,100 --> 00:02:16,333
That's cool.

55
00:02:16,400 --> 00:02:18,767
You know, I could
smoke you up.

56
00:02:18,833 --> 00:02:23,067
Yeah, I-- I thought
that's what you meant.
Oh, cool!

57
00:02:23,100 --> 00:02:24,500
(wind chimes)

58
00:02:24,567 --> 00:02:27,567
* Get you,
ooh *

59
00:02:27,633 --> 00:02:31,467
* Get you, ooh *

60
00:02:36,400 --> 00:02:37,900
(man)
Right, we'll show 'em.

61
00:02:37,967 --> 00:02:39,633
(hip-hop music playing)

62
00:02:39,700 --> 00:02:40,833
Sick.

63
00:02:42,967 --> 00:02:44,100
Ah!

64
00:02:44,167 --> 00:02:47,167
Yeah! Yeah!

65
00:02:47,233 --> 00:02:48,367
Oh!
Oh, my God!

66
00:02:48,433 --> 00:02:50,067
God, that's a strong kick.

67
00:02:50,133 --> 00:02:51,167
Are you okay?
I'm okay.

68
00:02:51,233 --> 00:02:52,433
No, it's okay.
(wincing)

69
00:02:52,500 --> 00:02:53,833
Can I give you this money?

70
00:02:53,900 --> 00:02:55,567
This is what we made
today so far.

71
00:02:55,633 --> 00:02:57,700
Oh, don't-- don't even
worry about it.

72
00:02:57,767 --> 00:03:00,500
I'm just a silly,
upper-middle class NYU bitch,

73
00:03:00,567 --> 00:03:02,067
so I wouldn't take
money from you.

74
00:03:02,100 --> 00:03:04,133
Hey, I go to NYU too,
Tisch School Performing Arts.

75
00:03:04,200 --> 00:03:06,433
We all do.

76
00:03:06,500 --> 00:03:09,233
Tischies.
Congrats.

77
00:03:09,300 --> 00:03:10,567
All right, I'll take 20.

78
00:03:14,600 --> 00:03:17,067
Whoops!
Now you're all wet!

79
00:03:17,133 --> 00:03:19,367
Even though I know
you were already.

80
00:03:19,433 --> 00:03:20,533
(chuckles)

81
00:03:20,600 --> 00:03:23,233
(scoffs)
No, sir!

82
00:03:23,300 --> 00:03:26,533
'Cause I...
I never get wet.

83
00:03:26,600 --> 00:03:29,767
And now, I got you
all riled up!

84
00:03:29,833 --> 00:03:32,533
(laughing)

85
00:03:32,600 --> 00:03:34,767
I love my life.

86
00:03:34,833 --> 00:03:38,700
(wind chimes,
tape rewinding)

87
00:03:40,600 --> 00:03:42,567
Do you like Four Loko.
It kinda scares me.

88
00:03:42,633 --> 00:03:45,433
Whoops!
Now you're all wet!

89
00:03:45,500 --> 00:03:47,533
Even though I know
you were already.

90
00:03:47,600 --> 00:03:48,633
(chuckles)
(mocking laughter)

91
00:03:48,700 --> 00:03:51,533
No!
You know what?

92
00:03:51,600 --> 00:03:54,367
You're a needle-dick
bitch, bitch.

93
00:03:54,433 --> 00:03:56,200
This guy's a bitch!

94
00:03:56,267 --> 00:03:58,700
You know hashtag, winning?
You're hashtag, losing.

95
00:03:58,767 --> 00:04:01,100
That's your symbol
of masculinity, a bubble gun?

96
00:04:01,167 --> 00:04:03,500
Good luck living
the rest of your life.

97
00:04:03,567 --> 00:04:04,833
Yeah!

98
00:04:04,900 --> 00:04:07,133
Good luck living
the rest of your life!

99
00:04:15,633 --> 00:04:17,733
(sobbing)

100
00:04:19,267 --> 00:04:22,067
I hate my life.

101
00:04:26,533 --> 00:04:28,067
(phone buzzing)

102
00:04:29,667 --> 00:04:31,167
(scoffs)
I knew it!

103
00:04:31,233 --> 00:04:33,167
I left the doors open
all night where I work

104
00:04:33,233 --> 00:04:34,567
and they fired me!

105
00:04:34,633 --> 00:04:36,600
Come on, dude,
fuck Grey Dog,

106
00:04:36,667 --> 00:04:38,200
I hate that fucking place!

107
00:04:38,267 --> 00:04:39,700
Dude, I love Grey Dog!

108
00:04:39,767 --> 00:04:41,067
I mean, I'm sure the one
that you work at sucks.

109
00:04:41,067 --> 00:04:42,700
But the one on Carmine
is, like, amazing.

110
00:04:42,767 --> 00:04:45,367
The staff is so sweet.
Dude, that's where I work!

111
00:04:45,433 --> 00:04:47,700
Dude, I'm in there,
like, every day.

112
00:04:47,767 --> 00:04:49,067
Dude, how have we not
seen each other?

113
00:04:49,100 --> 00:04:51,600
Dude, this is insane!
Oh, my God, dude!

114
00:04:51,667 --> 00:04:53,067
Okay, well listen,
if you need a new job,

115
00:04:53,100 --> 00:04:54,967
my friend Morgan just got me
this sick catering gig,

116
00:04:55,067 --> 00:04:56,833
and a spot just opened up
'cause some guy just OD'ed.

117
00:04:56,900 --> 00:04:57,833
Dude...
(sprinklers turning on)

118
00:04:57,900 --> 00:04:59,700
Oh, my God!
(shrieking)

119
00:04:59,767 --> 00:05:02,067
Oh, shit, my notepad!
My notepad!
I got it, I got it!

120
00:05:03,700 --> 00:05:07,800
Oh, my God, my hair!
Oh, this is bad.

121
00:05:07,867 --> 00:05:11,067
No, it looks so good like that.
Why do you straighten it?

122
00:05:11,133 --> 00:05:13,667
'Cause I look like a "true Jew"
if I don't straighten.

123
00:05:13,733 --> 00:05:16,067
It's not necessarily
a bad thing.

124
00:05:16,100 --> 00:05:17,267
You wouldn't know.

125
00:05:17,333 --> 00:05:19,100
No, I'm Jewish.

126
00:05:19,167 --> 00:05:20,367
Not full.

127
00:05:20,433 --> 00:05:22,233
Yeah, I'm completely Jewish.

128
00:05:22,300 --> 00:05:23,367
Check the records.

129
00:05:23,433 --> 00:05:25,233
Had a bat mitzvah.

130
00:05:26,867 --> 00:05:28,233
Did you get work done?

131
00:05:28,300 --> 00:05:30,433
No!
I can't believe it.

132
00:05:30,500 --> 00:05:31,600
Listen, I think
you look like--

133
00:05:31,667 --> 00:05:32,833
you got like
a Rosie Perez vibe going.

134
00:05:32,900 --> 00:05:34,500
If you poofed it up--
What?

135
00:05:34,567 --> 00:05:36,500
Yeah.
Okay, now I'm doing it
like this every freaking day

136
00:05:36,567 --> 00:05:38,167
for the rest
of my life, dude!

137
00:05:38,233 --> 00:05:39,667
Plus, it'll save me
two hours every morning,

138
00:05:39,733 --> 00:05:40,967
so I'll never be late
for work again.

139
00:05:41,067 --> 00:05:42,933
Bonus Jonas!

140
00:05:43,067 --> 00:05:45,267
Would you wanna
get breakfast?

141
00:05:45,333 --> 00:05:46,767
I'm starving.
Oh, my God.

142
00:05:46,833 --> 00:05:49,133
I thought you'd never ask.
Yes, I'm starving, too.

143
00:05:49,200 --> 00:05:51,067
Jinx tummies.
(laughs)

144
00:05:51,100 --> 00:05:53,567
(wind chimes)

145
00:05:56,067 --> 00:05:57,500
Come on.

146
00:05:57,567 --> 00:06:00,167
Sorry, hopefully
they'll be out soon.

147
00:06:00,233 --> 00:06:01,900
Thanks.

148
00:06:03,233 --> 00:06:05,300
(sighs)

149
00:06:11,067 --> 00:06:12,633
(people gasping)
Ha-ha!

150
00:06:12,700 --> 00:06:14,333
No!
(woman)
It's the Snipper!

151
00:06:14,400 --> 00:06:15,700
Oh, my God!
What happened?

152
00:06:15,767 --> 00:06:18,067
He took my pony!
(crying)

153
00:06:18,100 --> 00:06:19,100
Ew...

154
00:06:19,167 --> 00:06:21,633
(crowd muttering)

155
00:06:34,500 --> 00:06:35,967
Oh... hey, Tim.

156
00:06:36,067 --> 00:06:38,900
Ilana, are you kidding me?

157
00:06:38,967 --> 00:06:40,700
Is that the Kenyan
hazelnut?

158
00:06:40,767 --> 00:06:42,633
(gasps)
You're fired.

159
00:06:42,700 --> 00:06:44,233
Are you serious?

160
00:06:44,300 --> 00:06:47,433
Yes, you are so
completely fired.

161
00:06:47,500 --> 00:06:48,833
(scoffs)
Fine.

162
00:06:48,900 --> 00:06:50,600
God...
but I'm at least entitled

163
00:06:50,667 --> 00:06:52,767
to my one free coffee a day
for employees.

164
00:06:52,833 --> 00:06:54,267
You made that up.

165
00:06:54,333 --> 00:06:55,633
There is no one free coffee
a day for employees.

166
00:06:55,700 --> 00:06:56,833
You're just a thief.

167
00:06:56,900 --> 00:06:58,633
Wow, did you just
call me a queef?

168
00:06:58,700 --> 00:07:00,400
That's sexual harass--

169
00:07:00,467 --> 00:07:01,633
Get out, go.

170
00:07:01,700 --> 00:07:03,067
Fine.

171
00:07:05,067 --> 00:07:06,333
(woman)
Yeah, I'm so excited.

172
00:07:06,400 --> 00:07:08,233
First week in New York,
I love this city.

173
00:07:10,567 --> 00:07:12,967
(screaming)

174
00:07:21,733 --> 00:07:23,767
Hey, Mel?

175
00:07:23,833 --> 00:07:25,700
Melody, are you home?

176
00:07:25,767 --> 00:07:28,700
(man)
Is this the famous
Abbi Abrams?

177
00:07:28,767 --> 00:07:31,367
Fierce 'do!

178
00:07:31,433 --> 00:07:34,067
You must be Matt.

179
00:07:34,100 --> 00:07:37,233
All my friends
call me Bevers.

180
00:07:37,300 --> 00:07:40,233
It's nice to meet you,
Bevers.

181
00:07:40,300 --> 00:07:42,200
Nice to meet you, Abbi.

182
00:07:46,533 --> 00:07:48,133
Ever since Melody
got a job at the law firm,

183
00:07:48,200 --> 00:07:49,533
it's like I never see her.

184
00:07:49,600 --> 00:07:51,467
I almost forgot what it's like
to have a roommate.

185
00:07:51,533 --> 00:07:52,933
Well, don't get
ahead of yourself.

186
00:07:53,067 --> 00:07:54,400
It's not like I'm moving in
or anything.

187
00:07:54,467 --> 00:07:55,567
Right.

188
00:07:55,633 --> 00:07:56,900
I've been looking
for places all week.

189
00:07:56,967 --> 00:08:00,533
I gotta find something
by the weekend, fo' sho.

190
00:08:00,600 --> 00:08:02,800
You know, in the meantime,
make yourself at home.

191
00:08:02,867 --> 00:08:04,333
And I just went food shopping.

192
00:08:04,400 --> 00:08:05,667
I'm gonna make you
a snack plate.

193
00:08:05,733 --> 00:08:07,067
Uh, are you sure?

194
00:08:07,067 --> 00:08:08,933
I mean, I don't
wanna be an imposition

195
00:08:09,067 --> 00:08:10,267
around here or anything.

196
00:08:10,333 --> 00:08:11,767
No, it's fine.

197
00:08:11,833 --> 00:08:13,800
I mean, I can't eat a whole
wedge of cheese on my own.

198
00:08:13,867 --> 00:08:15,733
Okay.
Can I give you money?

199
00:08:17,100 --> 00:08:19,100
No.
Come on.

200
00:08:19,167 --> 00:08:20,800
Okay... I mean,
if you ever want me

201
00:08:20,867 --> 00:08:23,333
to do chores around here
or anything...

202
00:08:23,400 --> 00:08:26,400
Listen, I'm the host,
you're the guest.

203
00:08:26,467 --> 00:08:27,933
I wanna make my host
feel comfortable,

204
00:08:28,067 --> 00:08:30,167
so as a guest,
the rules of the house

205
00:08:30,233 --> 00:08:32,333
are I never pay for food,

206
00:08:32,400 --> 00:08:34,700
I never do chores,
is that correct?

207
00:08:34,767 --> 00:08:36,333
No, that'd be weird.

208
00:08:36,400 --> 00:08:39,467
Okay.
Got it.

209
00:08:42,200 --> 00:08:43,433
Hey, Madisons.

210
00:08:43,500 --> 00:08:45,400
(all)
Hey.

211
00:08:45,467 --> 00:08:49,067
Eww, I am having, like,
a salty, wet diarrhea

212
00:08:49,100 --> 00:08:51,800
of a fucking day!

213
00:08:51,867 --> 00:08:53,533
What's going on
with you guys?

214
00:08:53,600 --> 00:08:55,800
We're actually having
our weekly suite meeting.

215
00:08:55,867 --> 00:08:59,067
Why would you have
a suite-ing without me?

216
00:08:59,133 --> 00:09:01,067
Okay, um...

217
00:09:01,100 --> 00:09:04,467
we should just go on with it,
even though she's here.

218
00:09:04,533 --> 00:09:05,800
Elizabeth Buton-Bates,
will you please

219
00:09:05,867 --> 00:09:07,800
resume the PowerPoint?

220
00:09:12,533 --> 00:09:14,133
Eww.

221
00:09:15,400 --> 00:09:17,333
(gasps)

222
00:09:17,400 --> 00:09:19,600
Madison,
what the fuck is this?

223
00:09:19,667 --> 00:09:22,900
Number 27-- you call
all of us Madison.

224
00:09:22,967 --> 00:09:25,200
What are you
talking about, Madis...

225
00:09:27,267 --> 00:09:29,200
Right, that is rude.

226
00:09:29,267 --> 00:09:30,500
I acknowledge
that is rude.

227
00:09:30,567 --> 00:09:32,533
Parker Luxton?

228
00:09:35,267 --> 00:09:36,200
The wall.

229
00:09:36,267 --> 00:09:37,467
What wall?

230
00:09:39,067 --> 00:09:42,633
The wall of graphic
pornography above your bed.

231
00:09:42,700 --> 00:09:44,067
Oh, come on!

232
00:09:44,067 --> 00:09:47,600
I contribute a lot
of culture to this suite.

233
00:09:47,667 --> 00:09:49,533
You're always making us
watch videos of animals

234
00:09:49,600 --> 00:09:50,767
having sex with people.

235
00:09:50,833 --> 00:09:53,767
Oh, my God, again!
I showed you one video.

236
00:09:53,833 --> 00:09:55,400
Many times.
Of a man fighting

237
00:09:55,467 --> 00:09:59,133
for the sensual pleasure
of his life,

238
00:09:59,200 --> 00:10:02,233
only to die later
from internal bleeding.

239
00:10:02,300 --> 00:10:03,400
It's Mr. Hands!

240
00:10:03,467 --> 00:10:05,667
It's literally bestiality,

241
00:10:05,733 --> 00:10:09,633
and it is literally
a crime to watch.

242
00:10:09,700 --> 00:10:12,833
I see... because if it
were a lady horse and a man,

243
00:10:12,900 --> 00:10:14,167
no one would have
a problem with it.

244
00:10:14,233 --> 00:10:16,733
They can get fucking married
for all I care.

245
00:10:16,800 --> 00:10:18,900
But gay dudes
can't get married yet, huh?

246
00:10:18,967 --> 00:10:21,600
Gay dudes can't get married,
so a horse-dude

247
00:10:21,667 --> 00:10:24,733
and a dude-dude
can not fuck.

248
00:10:25,800 --> 00:10:28,067
Jessica Merkel-Keller.

249
00:10:30,567 --> 00:10:32,767
Jesus!

250
00:10:32,833 --> 00:10:35,267
We know this one
is just mean.

251
00:10:35,333 --> 00:10:38,333
But when your hair is curly,
it looks like pubes.

252
00:10:38,400 --> 00:10:39,700
You're a fucking bitch,

253
00:10:39,767 --> 00:10:42,333
but I'll go over it
with the iron again.

254
00:10:42,400 --> 00:10:44,067
Good job.

255
00:10:44,133 --> 00:10:45,233
(wind chimes)

256
00:10:45,300 --> 00:10:46,733
That's what a throuple is.
Wow.

257
00:10:46,800 --> 00:10:48,867
Again, I love
your hair curly.

258
00:10:48,933 --> 00:10:50,633
Thank you so much!
Yeah.

259
00:10:50,700 --> 00:10:52,733
Okay, okay, if you had
to be a throuple

260
00:10:52,800 --> 00:10:54,933
with any current couple,
who would you pick?

261
00:10:55,000 --> 00:10:57,200
Michelle and Barack Obama,
hands down.

262
00:10:57,267 --> 00:10:58,733
Yes, they are so hot
as a couple

263
00:10:58,800 --> 00:11:00,533
and as the leaders
of the free world.

264
00:11:00,600 --> 00:11:01,867
I mean, I am so relieved

265
00:11:01,933 --> 00:11:03,900
that we have a hot
black guy as president.

266
00:11:03,967 --> 00:11:06,067
I mean, I feel like
we're finally moving forward.

267
00:11:06,133 --> 00:11:07,533
And it's just
the beginning.

268
00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:09,933
I mean, never backwards.
Only forwards!

269
00:11:10,067 --> 00:11:10,800
Next is a woman.

270
00:11:10,867 --> 00:11:12,067
(both)
Whoo!

271
00:11:12,067 --> 00:11:13,133
(wind chimes)

272
00:11:13,200 --> 00:11:14,933
And so, finally,
that brings us to...

273
00:11:15,067 --> 00:11:17,933
the three principles
of natural selection.

274
00:11:18,067 --> 00:11:21,300
These are in your textbook,
but I just outlined them here.

275
00:11:21,367 --> 00:11:22,800
(whispers)
Hey...

276
00:11:22,867 --> 00:11:25,867
(professor continues
indistinctly)

277
00:11:25,933 --> 00:11:27,800
Mm, hi.

278
00:11:27,867 --> 00:11:29,533
Aye, no, did you get
kicked in the face

279
00:11:29,600 --> 00:11:31,200
by a subway performer again?
Oh, ow. Yeah.

280
00:11:31,267 --> 00:11:33,267
And now, we're going
to open the floor

281
00:11:33,333 --> 00:11:35,433
to some of our presentations.

282
00:11:35,500 --> 00:11:36,733
Did you bring
your presentation?

283
00:11:36,800 --> 00:11:37,967
And first, we'll have...
What presentation?

284
00:11:38,067 --> 00:11:39,567
Ilana Wexler?

285
00:11:40,733 --> 00:11:42,200
Jaime, can you pull
the fire alarm again?

286
00:11:42,267 --> 00:11:43,867
I really want to,
but I'm trying to become

287
00:11:43,933 --> 00:11:45,600
a citizen one day.
It's illegal.

288
00:11:45,667 --> 00:11:46,667
I understand.

289
00:11:46,733 --> 00:11:48,333
Ilana Wexler.

290
00:11:48,400 --> 00:11:50,433
Yes, Professor!

291
00:11:50,500 --> 00:11:53,433
I am present
and attending.

292
00:11:53,500 --> 00:11:55,067
What class is this?

293
00:11:55,067 --> 00:11:57,733
Professor...
(speaking French)

294
00:11:57,800 --> 00:11:59,533
Is this French?
Hm.

295
00:11:59,600 --> 00:12:02,533
Glasses on, phones off, please!

296
00:12:02,600 --> 00:12:04,767
Fake an emergency
in 30 seconds.

297
00:12:09,067 --> 00:12:10,067
(sighs)

298
00:12:12,333 --> 00:12:15,667
Welcome to my lecture.

299
00:12:15,733 --> 00:12:20,200
The day is Thursday,
the time is one o'clock.

300
00:12:20,267 --> 00:12:21,633
(professor)
Gotta stop you there.

301
00:12:21,700 --> 00:12:23,500
It's Friday
and it's 4:00 p.m.

302
00:12:23,567 --> 00:12:25,733
But please, continue.

303
00:12:25,800 --> 00:12:29,067
I stand corrected.
(chuckles)

304
00:12:29,100 --> 00:12:32,600
We shall commence
our lecture...

305
00:12:32,667 --> 00:12:35,200
(clears throat)
...presentation...

306
00:12:35,267 --> 00:12:38,667
right now.

307
00:12:38,733 --> 00:12:41,667
(singing)
* White humans *

308
00:12:41,733 --> 00:12:43,867
* Evil to the bone *

309
00:12:43,933 --> 00:12:47,467
Uh, Miss Wexler,
we've gone over this.

310
00:12:47,533 --> 00:12:49,133
This is not Tisch.

311
00:12:49,200 --> 00:12:51,967
Yeah, you made that very clear
the day you took my djembe away.

312
00:12:52,067 --> 00:12:54,600
You'll get that back
at the end of the semester.

313
00:12:54,667 --> 00:12:55,867
(phone chiming)

314
00:12:55,933 --> 00:12:58,200
There's a sinkhole
in my hometown.

315
00:12:58,267 --> 00:12:59,900
My house is gone!

316
00:13:00,067 --> 00:13:01,533
(whispering)
Yes, girl, thank you.

317
00:13:01,600 --> 00:13:03,067
I'm serious, you bitch!

318
00:13:04,700 --> 00:13:09,200
(professor)
Well, let's move on
to the next presentation.

319
00:13:09,267 --> 00:13:11,733
Ilana, you can actually go,
if you like.

320
00:13:11,800 --> 00:13:13,533
Really, I'd love
to workshop--

321
00:13:13,600 --> 00:13:14,933
It's for the best.

322
00:13:15,067 --> 00:13:16,367
Mm.

323
00:13:18,067 --> 00:13:19,600
(sighs)

324
00:13:19,667 --> 00:13:21,733
(wind chimes)

325
00:13:23,067 --> 00:13:25,067
(gasps)
Have you ever been
to a psychic before?

326
00:13:25,133 --> 00:13:27,067
No, but I've always
wanted to.

327
00:13:27,133 --> 00:13:29,133
It's ten bucks,
do you wanna do it?

328
00:13:29,200 --> 00:13:30,800
Yes!
Okay.

329
00:13:30,867 --> 00:13:32,833
This is the best day.

330
00:13:32,900 --> 00:13:35,333
(door bell jingling)

331
00:13:35,400 --> 00:13:37,400
(bell dinging)

332
00:13:37,467 --> 00:13:39,467
(both chuckling)

333
00:13:39,533 --> 00:13:41,133
Welcome.

334
00:13:41,200 --> 00:13:42,400
Hi.
I'm Oda.

335
00:13:42,467 --> 00:13:44,300
I possess the gift.

336
00:13:44,367 --> 00:13:47,067
Um, hi, we're interested in--

337
00:13:47,133 --> 00:13:49,533
Oh, I know.
(chuckles)

338
00:13:49,600 --> 00:13:51,300
I possess the gift.

339
00:13:51,367 --> 00:13:52,733
Oh.
She's good.

340
00:13:52,800 --> 00:13:57,200
I'm feeling...
you girls...

341
00:13:57,267 --> 00:13:58,833
are new friends.

342
00:13:58,900 --> 00:14:00,333
We are!
Oh, my God!

343
00:14:00,400 --> 00:14:01,900
(gasps)

344
00:14:03,067 --> 00:14:05,733
Oh, I'm sorry.
Indigestion.

345
00:14:05,800 --> 00:14:08,200
So, as I was say--
(gasping)

346
00:14:09,833 --> 00:14:11,867
Prophecy.

347
00:14:13,833 --> 00:14:15,800
You're gonna die today.

348
00:14:21,100 --> 00:14:22,767
We are so not dying today!

349
00:14:22,833 --> 00:14:25,233
So not! I mean, what,
are we gonna listen to her?

350
00:14:25,300 --> 00:14:28,300
She was eating
a burrito bowl.
Ugh!

351
00:14:28,367 --> 00:14:30,767
You know, it's like...
it could inspire us

352
00:14:30,833 --> 00:14:33,367
to live like
we're gonna die tomorrow.

353
00:14:33,433 --> 00:14:35,967
Like, imagine if we did
something crazy.

354
00:14:36,067 --> 00:14:37,233
I don't know.
Yeah, okay.

355
00:14:37,300 --> 00:14:40,500
Like, what if we got
a tattoo?

356
00:14:40,567 --> 00:14:42,900
I mean, that's like
really big and permanent.

357
00:14:42,967 --> 00:14:44,067
It's cool.

358
00:14:44,067 --> 00:14:45,633
I have always wanted
to get one.

359
00:14:45,700 --> 00:14:47,167
But I don't know,
then you can't be buried

360
00:14:47,233 --> 00:14:48,633
in the cemetery
and that whole thing.

361
00:14:48,700 --> 00:14:50,267
Yeah, but that's just
for Jewish people.

362
00:14:50,333 --> 00:14:52,367
Yeah, I'm Jewish, remember?
I told you.

363
00:14:52,433 --> 00:14:54,767
I thought
you were joking.

364
00:14:54,833 --> 00:14:56,133
No, I'm not kidding.

365
00:14:56,200 --> 00:14:57,833
(wind chimes)

366
00:15:02,300 --> 00:15:04,200
(shrieking)

367
00:15:04,267 --> 00:15:05,700
Oh!

368
00:15:05,767 --> 00:15:09,067
Did you... pff...
did you see that?

369
00:15:09,100 --> 00:15:10,767
The guy with the bike!

370
00:15:10,833 --> 00:15:11,600
Help!

371
00:15:11,667 --> 00:15:13,767
(overlapping chatter)

372
00:15:13,833 --> 00:15:15,300
Oh, hey! Hey!

373
00:15:15,367 --> 00:15:17,067
Give me the vest!
Hey!

374
00:15:17,100 --> 00:15:20,233
Can you help me?
Help me!

375
00:15:20,300 --> 00:15:22,467
(wind chimes)

376
00:15:22,533 --> 00:15:24,833
I mean, I have always
wanted a tattoo.

377
00:15:24,900 --> 00:15:28,067
But I can't think of anything
that I care that much about.

378
00:15:28,100 --> 00:15:29,833
Hm.

379
00:15:29,900 --> 00:15:31,733
Except...

380
00:15:32,900 --> 00:15:35,300
(tattoo pen buzzing)
Oh, shit!

381
00:15:35,367 --> 00:15:36,433
Okay.
Ooh!

382
00:15:36,500 --> 00:15:37,800
(sighs)
Whoo!

383
00:15:37,867 --> 00:15:39,333
I can't believe
she's ending her show though.

384
00:15:39,400 --> 00:15:40,733
I mean, like, what are we
all gonna do?

385
00:15:40,800 --> 00:15:42,200
Probably watch
the Oprah Winfrey Network.

386
00:15:42,267 --> 00:15:43,200
Oh, God.

387
00:15:43,267 --> 00:15:44,500
(sighs)
Okay.

388
00:15:44,567 --> 00:15:46,100
Wow, you're doing good.

389
00:15:46,167 --> 00:15:47,233
Okay.

390
00:15:47,300 --> 00:15:49,367
(wind chimes)

391
00:15:50,967 --> 00:15:53,433
(girls laughing)

392
00:16:04,067 --> 00:16:05,300
(wind chimes)

393
00:16:05,367 --> 00:16:06,833
Ooh, have you ever
been to this pizza place

394
00:16:06,900 --> 00:16:08,833
on Orchard and Delancey?
It's my favorite.

395
00:16:08,900 --> 00:16:10,367
Plus, sometimes,
they give me free pizza.

396
00:16:10,433 --> 00:16:11,900
I don't know that spot,
but I always smoke

397
00:16:11,967 --> 00:16:13,367
on the median
of that intersection,

398
00:16:13,433 --> 00:16:14,533
because when a cop sees me,

399
00:16:14,600 --> 00:16:15,900
I just throw my bowl
into traffic.

400
00:16:15,967 --> 00:16:17,667
You throw a glass bowl
into traffic?

401
00:16:17,733 --> 00:16:19,267
Oh, yeah.
Done and done.

402
00:16:19,333 --> 00:16:21,067
(laughing)
What?

403
00:16:24,233 --> 00:16:26,700
So, my roommate's boyfriend
is staying with us.

404
00:16:26,767 --> 00:16:28,800
How long?
She didn't say.

405
00:16:28,867 --> 00:16:30,767
Oof... no, no, no,
no, no, no, no.

406
00:16:30,833 --> 00:16:33,233
Not liking this.
This don't look good.

407
00:16:33,300 --> 00:16:34,800
This don't smell
good, baby.

408
00:16:34,867 --> 00:16:38,500
He sounds like a freeloading
bag-of-trash bitch.

409
00:16:38,567 --> 00:16:40,100
I mean, I barely said
anything about him.

410
00:16:40,167 --> 00:16:41,267
I haven't even met him yet.

411
00:16:41,333 --> 00:16:42,567
No, you gotta call
your roommate

412
00:16:42,633 --> 00:16:44,833
right the fuck now
and nip this in the ass

413
00:16:44,900 --> 00:16:46,767
before he pulls
squatters rights on you.

414
00:16:48,167 --> 00:16:49,933
Yeah, okay.

415
00:16:51,367 --> 00:16:52,667
"Nip it in the ass,"
is that the saying?

416
00:16:52,733 --> 00:16:55,700
(spits)
Yeah, nip it in the ass.

417
00:16:55,767 --> 00:16:58,633
Okay.
(clears throat)

418
00:16:58,700 --> 00:17:00,233
Hey, Melody, it's me.

419
00:17:00,300 --> 00:17:03,067
Um... I just wanted to call
real quick and tell you

420
00:17:03,067 --> 00:17:05,333
that I'm really
not comfortable with Matt

421
00:17:05,400 --> 00:17:08,233
staying any longer
than this week.

422
00:17:08,300 --> 00:17:09,567
And she should
break up with him.

423
00:17:11,167 --> 00:17:15,333
Um... for real, like,
it just doesn't feel right,

424
00:17:15,400 --> 00:17:17,433
and it's not what
I signed up for.

425
00:17:24,100 --> 00:17:26,067
Okay, oh my God, that...

426
00:17:26,100 --> 00:17:27,700
that'd be perfect,
that's amazing.

427
00:17:27,767 --> 00:17:30,700
Thank you so much
for being... so open-minded

428
00:17:30,767 --> 00:17:32,100
and for listening to me
and hearing me.

429
00:17:32,167 --> 00:17:33,900
I really thought
that this would be harder,

430
00:17:33,967 --> 00:17:36,700
and this is amazing,
we're really communicating.

431
00:17:36,767 --> 00:17:40,100
Okay, yeah,
I'll see you soon. Bye.

432
00:17:40,167 --> 00:17:41,433
Dude!
Oh, my God!

433
00:17:41,500 --> 00:17:43,533
That was so good, girl!
That was amazing!

434
00:17:43,600 --> 00:17:44,567
Yes!
Good job, dude.

435
00:17:44,633 --> 00:17:46,233
You killed that!

436
00:17:46,300 --> 00:17:50,300
Thank you so much.
I never would have done that.

437
00:17:50,367 --> 00:17:52,067
You were great.

438
00:17:52,100 --> 00:17:54,167
(sighs)

439
00:17:57,667 --> 00:18:00,167
I had, like,
the funnest day.

440
00:18:00,233 --> 00:18:01,367
I know, me too!

441
00:18:01,433 --> 00:18:03,067
It was the best.
It was.

442
00:18:05,767 --> 00:18:08,400
Would you ever
wanna hang out again?

443
00:18:08,467 --> 00:18:10,367
Like, tomorrow?

444
00:18:10,433 --> 00:18:12,433
I would love that!

445
00:18:12,500 --> 00:18:13,500
Yeah?

446
00:18:13,567 --> 00:18:15,767
My new friend.

447
00:18:17,433 --> 00:18:19,900
(siren sounding)

448
00:18:19,967 --> 00:18:21,400
Go.
Go, go, go, go, go, go!

449
00:18:21,467 --> 00:18:23,500
(glass breaking,
tires screeching)
Go, go, go!

450
00:18:23,567 --> 00:18:25,400
The pizza!
Leave it!

451
00:18:25,467 --> 00:18:27,800
**

452
00:18:43,833 --> 00:18:45,967
(sighs)

453
00:18:48,333 --> 00:18:49,633
Hey!

454
00:18:49,700 --> 00:18:52,633
You're the girl that
swiped me in this morning.

455
00:18:52,700 --> 00:18:54,767
That is so weird.

456
00:18:54,833 --> 00:18:56,433
Yeah, that's nuts.

457
00:18:56,500 --> 00:18:57,967
Hey.
Hey.

458
00:18:58,067 --> 00:18:59,500
How was your day?

459
00:18:59,567 --> 00:19:03,367
Uh... well, I-- I just bought
three slices of pizza

460
00:19:03,433 --> 00:19:07,367
that I'm gonna eat myself,
so... pretty much sums it up.

461
00:19:07,433 --> 00:19:09,400
Gotcha, okay.
Yeah.
How was your day?

462
00:19:09,467 --> 00:19:13,067
You know, terrible.
Terrible day.

463
00:19:13,100 --> 00:19:15,833
I'm sorry.

464
00:19:15,900 --> 00:19:17,433
Do you want a hit?

465
00:19:18,800 --> 00:19:21,233
Yeah.
That'd be awesome.

466
00:19:23,300 --> 00:19:26,067
Thanks.
Cool pipe.

467
00:19:26,067 --> 00:19:27,433
Got it on McDougal.

468
00:19:31,233 --> 00:19:32,700
Do you want some pizza?

469
00:19:32,767 --> 00:19:34,233
Oh, my God,
I would love some.

470
00:19:34,300 --> 00:19:36,567
Okay, well, I have to run
back over to the pizza shop,

471
00:19:36,633 --> 00:19:38,233
'cause I bought
these three for me.

472
00:19:38,300 --> 00:19:40,767
(laughing)
Respect.

473
00:19:40,833 --> 00:19:42,367
Yeah, uh, yeah.

474
00:19:42,433 --> 00:19:43,533
That's amazing.

475
00:19:43,600 --> 00:19:44,900
I need it today.

476
00:19:44,967 --> 00:19:46,567
I know exactly
what you mean.

477
00:19:48,100 --> 00:19:50,733
Whoa, look.
Wet cement.

478
00:19:50,800 --> 00:19:52,567
You never see that.

479
00:19:52,633 --> 00:19:55,267
Oh, my God.

480
00:19:55,333 --> 00:19:57,967
We should press
our breasts into it.

481
00:19:58,067 --> 00:20:01,133
(chuckles)
That feels...

482
00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:03,567
I mean, we could just
write our names, right?

483
00:20:03,633 --> 00:20:05,967
Classy.
Yeah.

484
00:20:07,500 --> 00:20:10,300
Whoa.
Okay.

485
00:20:14,300 --> 00:20:16,500
This is amazing.
This is nuts.

486
00:20:20,933 --> 00:20:22,100
Abbi with an "I."

487
00:20:22,167 --> 00:20:23,567
Ilana with an "I."

488
00:20:23,633 --> 00:20:24,833
(both chuckle)

489
00:20:24,900 --> 00:20:26,100
It's really nice
to meet you.

490
00:20:26,167 --> 00:20:27,900
Yeah, you too.

491
00:20:27,967 --> 00:20:32,233
Um... you wanna
take a walk?

492
00:20:32,300 --> 00:20:35,033
Yeah, I'd like that.
Cool.

493
00:20:37,300 --> 00:20:39,533
So, what's with
the black eye?

494
00:20:39,600 --> 00:20:43,567
You know, I'm a supporter
of the arts.

495
00:20:43,633 --> 00:20:44,800
I'm an artist!

496
00:20:44,867 --> 00:20:46,967
That's dope.
Like, yeah, that's what I do.

497
00:20:47,033 --> 00:20:48,400
You know, you look
like an artist,

498
00:20:48,467 --> 00:20:50,100
because of your haircut.
Did you get it cut today?

499
00:20:50,167 --> 00:20:51,833
It's dope!
No...

500
00:20:51,900 --> 00:20:54,267
I mean, in a--
in a way, I did.

501
00:20:54,333 --> 00:20:56,433
I love it.
Yeah.

502
00:20:58,100 --> 00:20:59,367
You know what I've been
thinking about lately?

503
00:20:59,433 --> 00:21:01,300
What?
This is so, like, stupid,

504
00:21:01,367 --> 00:21:04,633
but why can't you get
eggs after 11:00 a.m.?

505
00:21:04,700 --> 00:21:06,200
I think about that
all the time!

506
00:21:06,267 --> 00:21:07,467
Are you serious?

507
00:21:15,067 --> 00:21:16,900
I go in at, like, 12:30
to fucking Bodega.

508
00:21:16,967 --> 00:21:18,533
And I'm like, "Hey, I want
a bacon, egg and cheese,

509
00:21:18,600 --> 00:21:20,500
'cause that's my fucking jam."
Duh, bitch.

510
00:21:20,567 --> 00:21:22,433
They're like,
"No, none," they can't.
Duh, bitch, duh, bitch,
duh, bitch.

511
00:21:22,500 --> 00:21:23,933
"You gotta come in
in the morning."

512
00:21:24,067 --> 00:21:25,500
And I'm like, are you--
I want to give you money.

513
00:21:25,567 --> 00:21:27,567
You have it, I see all
the ingredients.

514
00:21:27,633 --> 00:21:28,633
Nuts!