1 00:00:03,169 --> 00:00:06,405 (ilana) ab, $12.99 is such a splurge for wine. 2 00:00:06,407 --> 00:00:07,039 You're spoiling me. 3 00:00:07,041 --> 00:00:08,574 (abbi) don't, it's your birthday, dude. 4 00:00:08,576 --> 00:00:11,176 You deserve a bottle, not a box. 5 00:00:11,178 --> 00:00:12,144 I made a reservation and everything 6 00:00:12,146 --> 00:00:15,314 And I cannot wait for you to open up this b-day gift. 7 00:00:15,316 --> 00:00:17,282 Oh, I'm dying. It's so good. 8 00:00:17,284 --> 00:00:18,217 I don't know. 9 00:00:18,219 --> 00:00:21,820 23 is such a nothing birthday, though, you know, like... 10 00:00:21,822 --> 00:00:22,721 No. 11 00:00:22,723 --> 00:00:23,756 22, you graduate college. 12 00:00:23,758 --> 00:00:26,158 21, you're suddenly allowed to be an alcoholic. 13 00:00:26,160 --> 00:00:28,427 20, you lose your virginity. Right. 14 00:00:28,429 --> 00:00:30,462 19's your last teen year. 15 00:00:30,464 --> 00:00:31,530 18, you get to vote. 16 00:00:31,532 --> 00:00:32,498 17, you get to drive. 17 00:00:32,500 --> 00:00:35,267 16's your sweet 16, 15's your quinceañera. 18 00:00:35,269 --> 00:00:35,801 See? I guess. 19 00:00:35,803 --> 00:00:38,604 23 was pretty great for me, I mean, it's the year I met you. 20 00:00:38,606 --> 00:00:39,505 Really? 21 00:00:39,507 --> 00:00:40,773 (both screaming) 22 00:00:40,775 --> 00:00:41,874 Oh, my god. 23 00:00:41,876 --> 00:00:43,308 Oh, my... 24 00:00:43,310 --> 00:00:44,877 Tree man. Oh, my damn god. 25 00:00:44,879 --> 00:00:46,311 Every time he gets me, every time. 26 00:00:46,313 --> 00:00:47,246 He needs a little bell. 27 00:00:47,248 --> 00:00:50,382 Or like, a personal triangle he's playing all the time. 28 00:00:50,384 --> 00:00:52,751 He could cause a heart attack. 29 00:00:52,753 --> 00:00:53,919 For real, though, this wine, 30 00:00:53,921 --> 00:00:55,988 This like, pricey, high-class wine 31 00:00:55,990 --> 00:00:58,323 Is setting up your entire year. 32 00:00:58,325 --> 00:01:00,325 If we weren't going to this byob, I mean, 33 00:01:00,327 --> 00:01:01,794 This would be like, 30 bucks. 34 00:01:01,796 --> 00:01:03,829 I know, I love a "byob". 35 00:01:03,831 --> 00:01:05,130 I love a "byof"-- bring your own food, 36 00:01:05,132 --> 00:01:07,132 Or a "byos"-- bring your own silverware. 37 00:01:07,134 --> 00:01:08,634 I'd wash the dishes if they'd let me. 38 00:01:08,636 --> 00:01:11,236 This is the exact opposite reason why 39 00:01:11,238 --> 00:01:12,171 Restaurants exist at all. 40 00:01:12,173 --> 00:01:13,572 I mean, why not just eat at home? 41 00:01:13,574 --> 00:01:14,807 I don't have a table. 42 00:01:14,809 --> 00:01:16,775 (man) you girls are so pretty. 43 00:01:16,777 --> 00:01:19,111 You should smile. 44 00:01:22,348 --> 00:01:25,617 ♪ four and three and two and one-one ♪♪ 45 00:01:38,465 --> 00:01:41,166 (ilana) so, I've been spending all morning writing out my will. 46 00:01:41,168 --> 00:01:43,769 My dad said it's never too early, and I agree. 47 00:01:43,771 --> 00:01:46,438 Ilana, you're only 23, dude. 48 00:01:46,440 --> 00:01:47,372 Okay, you know what? 49 00:01:47,374 --> 00:01:49,908 My people plan for death, abbi. 50 00:01:49,910 --> 00:01:51,276 I'm jewish too. 51 00:01:51,278 --> 00:01:53,178 Okay, but you're a mainline jew. 52 00:01:53,180 --> 00:01:55,280 New york jews wake up every day 53 00:01:55,282 --> 00:01:57,916 Just thinking about how they're going to die. 54 00:01:57,918 --> 00:02:01,353 (scoffs) I think about death. 55 00:02:01,355 --> 00:02:04,423 (man) sex, sex, sex, sex, sex. 56 00:02:04,425 --> 00:02:05,591 Whoa, sex is right. 57 00:02:05,593 --> 00:02:06,492 Oh, my goodness. 58 00:02:06,494 --> 00:02:08,494 You wrote your will on a napkin? 59 00:02:08,496 --> 00:02:10,496 I made copies, obviously. 60 00:02:10,498 --> 00:02:12,498 Come on. 61 00:02:12,500 --> 00:02:14,900 I know, how have I never had edamame? 62 00:02:14,902 --> 00:02:16,268 I know! How has it ever-- 63 00:02:16,270 --> 00:02:17,903 It's always on the table. 64 00:02:17,905 --> 00:02:20,539 Hold up-- you gave me power of attorney? 65 00:02:20,541 --> 00:02:24,343 I need you to be able to fight against my killer or whatever, 66 00:02:24,345 --> 00:02:25,844 And then option the rights. 67 00:02:25,846 --> 00:02:27,713 I also am looking into a few mutual funds 68 00:02:27,715 --> 00:02:29,781 And I'm having some, um... (clearing throat) 69 00:02:29,783 --> 00:02:32,050 Valuables appraised. 70 00:02:33,253 --> 00:02:35,621 Are you (bleep) talking about the beanie babies? 71 00:02:35,623 --> 00:02:36,221 Don't! 72 00:02:36,223 --> 00:02:38,423 Stop, I can't even talk about this. 73 00:02:38,425 --> 00:02:40,526 They're-- with the flamingo one? 74 00:02:40,528 --> 00:02:41,160 Dude, I can't even-- 75 00:02:41,162 --> 00:02:42,161 There is still some value there, 76 00:02:42,163 --> 00:02:44,496 Especially in the ones that like, commemorate events, okay? 77 00:02:44,498 --> 00:02:46,732 It's cyclical, the market is cyclical. 78 00:02:46,734 --> 00:02:49,501 Maybe you-- you don't know about the market. 79 00:02:49,503 --> 00:02:50,302 But it's cyclical. 80 00:02:50,304 --> 00:02:52,771 You're getting into like, the ebay beanie baby game? 81 00:02:52,773 --> 00:02:54,840 Yeah, baby, it's a whole other math game. 82 00:02:54,842 --> 00:02:56,775 I've got a math head. All right, listen. 83 00:02:56,777 --> 00:02:58,610 Math mind. 84 00:02:58,612 --> 00:02:59,645 I'm all for wills. 85 00:02:59,647 --> 00:03:00,546 I think it's a good idea 86 00:03:00,548 --> 00:03:01,647 Even though I think you're very young. 87 00:03:01,649 --> 00:03:03,382 But people get crazy about material possessions 88 00:03:03,384 --> 00:03:07,786 And it's like, who even owns anything these days anyway? 89 00:03:07,788 --> 00:03:08,820 Can you please spare a dollar? 90 00:03:08,822 --> 00:03:11,390 Yeah. I just wanna to get some food. 91 00:03:11,392 --> 00:03:12,558 Good luck. Thank you. 92 00:03:12,560 --> 00:03:13,258 Yeah. 93 00:03:13,260 --> 00:03:14,493 Appreciate it. Bless. 94 00:03:14,495 --> 00:03:16,295 I hope it helps. 95 00:03:16,297 --> 00:03:18,530 Oh, my god, we are... 96 00:03:18,532 --> 00:03:20,332 Can I get a buck? 97 00:03:20,334 --> 00:03:21,266 Oh, sorry. 98 00:03:21,268 --> 00:03:23,368 But you just gave her a buck. 99 00:03:23,370 --> 00:03:26,205 We can't give everyone on the block a dollar. 100 00:03:26,207 --> 00:03:27,506 Well, actually, you could. 101 00:03:27,508 --> 00:03:28,407 You just don't want to. 102 00:03:28,409 --> 00:03:30,709 Actually, we couldn't, because we're going to the meat sack 103 00:03:30,711 --> 00:03:32,277 And it's a cash-only restaurant. 104 00:03:32,279 --> 00:03:34,446 Wow, that must be nice. 105 00:03:34,448 --> 00:03:36,548 Okay, we could bring you our leftovers, after. 106 00:03:36,550 --> 00:03:38,150 I was gonna have them for lunch... 107 00:03:38,152 --> 00:03:41,453 Oh, really? 'cause that would be so generous of you. 108 00:03:41,455 --> 00:03:42,588 Oh, it's no problem. 109 00:03:42,590 --> 00:03:43,188 I'm glad we-- 110 00:03:43,190 --> 00:03:44,856 Okay, he's being sarcastic. 111 00:03:44,858 --> 00:03:46,391 Oh. 112 00:03:46,526 --> 00:03:48,293 Michelle, party of two. 113 00:03:48,295 --> 00:03:50,529 Michelle, party of two. 114 00:03:50,531 --> 00:03:53,465 Three, two, one. 115 00:03:53,467 --> 00:03:55,400 Okay, you lose. 116 00:03:55,402 --> 00:03:56,468 I have a reservation. 117 00:03:56,470 --> 00:03:57,803 It's under, uh... 118 00:03:57,805 --> 00:03:59,504 (woman) you're my next two-top. 119 00:03:59,506 --> 00:04:01,473 Great. A'ight? 120 00:04:01,475 --> 00:04:03,108 Hope you're hungry. 121 00:04:03,110 --> 00:04:04,710 Get the stomach stretched. 122 00:04:04,712 --> 00:04:05,444 I cannot wait. 123 00:04:05,446 --> 00:04:07,512 I love me some dumplings. 124 00:04:07,514 --> 00:04:10,148 It's like a squirrel clutch with a meatball in it. 125 00:04:10,150 --> 00:04:12,751 (woman) little wayne, party of two. 126 00:04:12,753 --> 00:04:14,219 (muffled screaming) 127 00:04:14,221 --> 00:04:16,188 Oh, my god, weezy's here. 128 00:04:16,190 --> 00:04:17,289 He is so real. 129 00:04:17,291 --> 00:04:19,558 No, that's us. 130 00:04:19,560 --> 00:04:22,594 We... Are little wayne. 131 00:04:23,663 --> 00:04:27,132 Oh, you are sweeping me off my feet. 132 00:04:28,034 --> 00:04:32,204 Oh, yum. Oh, my god. 133 00:04:35,675 --> 00:04:38,277 You can get as many dumplings as you want, okay? 134 00:04:38,279 --> 00:04:40,779 Oh, my god! Oh, my god! 135 00:04:40,781 --> 00:04:42,748 Oh, my god! Wow! 136 00:04:42,750 --> 00:04:43,415 Yo, girlfriends. 137 00:04:43,417 --> 00:04:45,784 Hey... Long time, no freakin' see. 138 00:04:45,786 --> 00:04:47,419 Look at you two! 139 00:04:47,421 --> 00:04:48,787 Couple of madonnas, huh? 140 00:04:48,789 --> 00:04:51,156 Oh, gosh, so fashion, baby. 141 00:04:51,158 --> 00:04:51,890 (woman) I love that! 142 00:04:51,892 --> 00:04:53,959 How are you guys? Yeah. 143 00:04:53,961 --> 00:04:55,794 (woman) when was the last time we saw you? 144 00:04:55,796 --> 00:04:57,596 I think it was at our show... 145 00:04:57,598 --> 00:04:59,531 Yeah. ...With elliott. 146 00:04:59,533 --> 00:05:02,167 It was our show choir show. Yeah. 147 00:05:02,169 --> 00:05:03,268 (vocalizing) 148 00:05:03,270 --> 00:05:04,603 (vocalizing) 149 00:05:04,605 --> 00:05:05,437 It was a long time ago. 150 00:05:05,439 --> 00:05:06,772 Can I ask you, do you live in new york 151 00:05:06,774 --> 00:05:09,207 Or did you move, because you never respond 152 00:05:09,209 --> 00:05:13,111 To any of my facebook, uh, invites. 153 00:05:13,113 --> 00:05:14,346 I get so confused on facebook. 154 00:05:14,348 --> 00:05:15,280 Me too! Like, how it works. 155 00:05:15,282 --> 00:05:18,050 What are all the numbers and the things? 156 00:05:18,052 --> 00:05:19,384 I know! I don't know what they go with. 157 00:05:19,386 --> 00:05:22,421 It's kind of change-- it changes fast, the interface. 158 00:05:22,423 --> 00:05:24,256 I'm afraid to click it. Yes. 159 00:05:24,258 --> 00:05:26,158 You know, I'm actually, I'm really kind of sad 160 00:05:26,160 --> 00:05:29,361 That you guys missed my last solo performance. 161 00:05:29,363 --> 00:05:30,495 Yeah. 162 00:05:30,497 --> 00:05:32,698 We're so sorry that that happened. 163 00:05:32,700 --> 00:05:34,399 We don't even know you guys that well. 164 00:05:34,401 --> 00:05:36,835 Honestly, chris, I feel like you should give them some of it. 165 00:05:36,837 --> 00:05:37,869 You should show them a little bit. 166 00:05:37,871 --> 00:05:40,205 Give them a little piece, a taste. 167 00:05:40,207 --> 00:05:42,140 Oh, you don't have to do that. 168 00:05:42,142 --> 00:05:43,742 You don't have to. We're at dinner. 169 00:05:43,744 --> 00:05:46,278 I was born the day the challenger exploded. 170 00:05:46,280 --> 00:05:47,512 (woman) honey, no. 171 00:05:47,514 --> 00:05:48,246 No, no, no. 172 00:05:48,248 --> 00:05:50,248 Do the ending, do the climax. 173 00:05:50,250 --> 00:05:51,550 Do "dear uncle". 174 00:05:51,552 --> 00:05:53,652 Um, please suspend your sense of disbelief, uh, 175 00:05:53,654 --> 00:05:57,255 As the lighting here is not good and it's not a theater, 176 00:05:57,257 --> 00:05:59,157 But all the world is a stage. 177 00:05:59,159 --> 00:06:00,425 Here we go. 178 00:06:00,427 --> 00:06:03,695 No, uncle, please, don't! 179 00:06:03,697 --> 00:06:06,765 Okay, so he is on stage, he's fully naked, 180 00:06:06,767 --> 00:06:08,567 And he's maximum erect. 181 00:06:08,569 --> 00:06:11,336 Uncle, please, don't do it, uncle! 182 00:06:11,338 --> 00:06:15,140 Okay, he's standing on a shredded american flag, 183 00:06:15,142 --> 00:06:16,341 Little pieces. 184 00:06:16,343 --> 00:06:18,744 Uncle, uncle sam! 185 00:06:18,746 --> 00:06:21,213 He ejaculates! (moaning) 186 00:06:21,215 --> 00:06:23,048 Into the flag. 187 00:06:23,050 --> 00:06:24,182 Yes. 188 00:06:24,184 --> 00:06:25,817 That's the twist. 189 00:06:25,819 --> 00:06:26,785 It's a bit of a statement. Yeah. 190 00:06:26,787 --> 00:06:29,821 It's like, about currency and politics and government 191 00:06:29,823 --> 00:06:30,856 And all that. 192 00:06:30,858 --> 00:06:32,224 Um, we can push your tables together 193 00:06:32,226 --> 00:06:33,692 And then maybe you can talk a little bit quieter. 194 00:06:33,694 --> 00:06:34,893 (whispering) no, please don't. 195 00:06:34,895 --> 00:06:36,395 (woman) excuse me, sir. 196 00:06:36,397 --> 00:06:37,596 That's a great idea! 197 00:06:37,598 --> 00:06:38,196 Yes! Yes! 198 00:06:38,198 --> 00:06:39,431 Here we go. Here we go. 199 00:06:39,433 --> 00:06:41,633 Beep, beep, beep. 200 00:06:41,635 --> 00:06:43,568 Honk-honk, honk-honk. 201 00:06:43,570 --> 00:06:46,204 Beep, beep, beep. 202 00:06:46,206 --> 00:06:47,572 Hi! 203 00:06:47,574 --> 00:06:49,274 This is a good group. 204 00:06:49,276 --> 00:06:53,278 Oh, my... Holy (bleep). 205 00:06:53,280 --> 00:06:54,246 What the heck? 206 00:06:54,248 --> 00:06:54,913 What the (bleep)? 207 00:06:54,915 --> 00:06:56,915 I'm such a klutz, we have to go. 208 00:06:56,917 --> 00:07:00,552 Now we gotta go, is what... It is. 209 00:07:00,554 --> 00:07:02,154 We gotta... We have to go. 210 00:07:02,156 --> 00:07:04,523 Gotta go, we gotta go. Oh, my god. 211 00:07:04,525 --> 00:07:05,524 I can't be out. 212 00:07:05,526 --> 00:07:06,558 I can't be out like this. 213 00:07:06,560 --> 00:07:08,693 We have to go, that's... Sorry, everybody. 214 00:07:08,695 --> 00:07:10,095 I should go home right now. 215 00:07:10,097 --> 00:07:11,663 This is never gonna come out! 216 00:07:11,665 --> 00:07:13,131 Let's go. Let's do it. 217 00:07:13,133 --> 00:07:13,732 Here we go. 218 00:07:13,734 --> 00:07:18,236 Wait, you can't leave with an open container. 219 00:07:18,238 --> 00:07:20,172 Okay. Okay. 220 00:07:20,174 --> 00:07:20,872 We will not do that. 221 00:07:20,874 --> 00:07:24,176 You guys know wine is heart healthy, so... 222 00:07:24,178 --> 00:07:26,278 Mm-hmm, and... Here we go. 223 00:07:26,280 --> 00:07:28,146 Just do that. 224 00:07:36,456 --> 00:07:37,322 Mmm! 225 00:07:37,324 --> 00:07:39,891 (coughing) 226 00:07:39,893 --> 00:07:43,195 Oh... Oh, my god. 227 00:07:44,297 --> 00:07:45,163 You have a good-- 228 00:07:45,165 --> 00:07:47,632 California, I can tell. 229 00:07:47,634 --> 00:07:49,434 You have a good rest of your night. 230 00:07:49,436 --> 00:07:50,202 Sayonara. 231 00:07:50,204 --> 00:07:52,771 Bye, you guys. See you guys. 232 00:07:52,773 --> 00:07:55,674 I'm sorry, but they are too much. 233 00:07:55,676 --> 00:07:57,209 Yeah. 234 00:07:58,811 --> 00:08:01,880 Scott wolf, party of five. 235 00:08:01,882 --> 00:08:02,781 Scott wolf? 236 00:08:02,783 --> 00:08:04,249 (man) oh, hey, hey! 237 00:08:04,251 --> 00:08:05,484 Where are the leftovers? 238 00:08:05,486 --> 00:08:08,286 It was... Honestly too annoying. 239 00:08:08,288 --> 00:08:09,387 We didn't even order. 240 00:08:09,389 --> 00:08:10,722 Wow, too annoying? 241 00:08:10,724 --> 00:08:11,823 Must be nice. 242 00:08:11,825 --> 00:08:15,627 Must... Be... Nice. 243 00:08:19,765 --> 00:08:22,467 Must be nice! 244 00:08:22,469 --> 00:08:23,468 Jeez. 245 00:08:23,470 --> 00:08:24,569 I feel bad. 246 00:08:24,571 --> 00:08:27,439 You know, runaway teens have it so tough. 247 00:08:27,441 --> 00:08:31,376 He probably came out to his family, they kicked him out, 248 00:08:31,378 --> 00:08:33,144 So he hopped a boxcar from oklahoma 249 00:08:33,146 --> 00:08:36,848 And now he's turning tricks on st. Mark's. 250 00:08:36,850 --> 00:08:40,719 You know, child sex trafficking is all around us. 251 00:08:40,721 --> 00:08:42,687 (gasping) wigs! 252 00:08:42,689 --> 00:08:45,190 Ab, I gotta go get a wig, it's my birthday! 253 00:08:45,192 --> 00:08:45,924 All right, you go ahead. 254 00:08:45,926 --> 00:08:47,659 I'm going to this thai place and see if there's a wait. 255 00:08:47,661 --> 00:08:48,293 Dope. 256 00:08:48,295 --> 00:08:51,196 Everyone's like, "where's christina, where's christina?" 257 00:08:51,198 --> 00:08:53,765 I can't keep saying you're in the keys at your parents. 258 00:08:53,767 --> 00:08:55,834 What do you want me to say? 259 00:08:55,836 --> 00:08:57,369 "oh, my girlfriend moved out seven weeks ago 260 00:08:57,371 --> 00:09:02,741 "and I'm falling apart and my dick doesn't work anymore, so..." 261 00:09:02,743 --> 00:09:03,441 Dude. 262 00:09:03,443 --> 00:09:05,610 Christina moved out? 263 00:09:07,747 --> 00:09:09,748 Oh. 264 00:09:10,349 --> 00:09:12,150 What happened with the wigs? 265 00:09:12,152 --> 00:09:14,185 I got distracted by this business guido. 266 00:09:14,187 --> 00:09:15,186 Oh... 267 00:09:15,188 --> 00:09:16,521 All right. 268 00:09:16,523 --> 00:09:17,289 I put our name in. 269 00:09:17,291 --> 00:09:18,857 45 minutes, we're in. Whoo! 270 00:09:18,859 --> 00:09:21,760 (man) yeah! Ugh. 271 00:09:22,161 --> 00:09:24,596 I feel like every city has a parrot dude. 272 00:09:24,598 --> 00:09:26,898 You ever see the guy with the cat on his head? 273 00:09:26,900 --> 00:09:28,567 Yeah, wonder if it ever touches the ground. 274 00:09:28,569 --> 00:09:31,636 If it does, that would be disgusting. 275 00:09:31,638 --> 00:09:33,672 Imagine if those two guys met. 276 00:09:33,674 --> 00:09:35,907 I think the parrot would win. 277 00:09:35,909 --> 00:09:38,109 God, I have such a wig face. 278 00:09:38,111 --> 00:09:39,210 It's not even funny. 279 00:09:39,212 --> 00:09:41,246 This is the kind of wig you get buried in. 280 00:09:41,248 --> 00:09:42,480 Why would you want to get buried in a wig? 281 00:09:42,482 --> 00:09:43,582 It's the last time people get to see you. 282 00:09:43,584 --> 00:09:47,319 Yeah, exactly, I want to look dope as (bleep) at my funeral. 283 00:09:47,321 --> 00:09:49,554 It's my last party, you know? 284 00:09:49,556 --> 00:09:50,589 I even made a playlist already. 285 00:09:50,591 --> 00:09:55,193 It's pretty much rupaul's "supermodel" on repeat 286 00:09:55,195 --> 00:09:57,362 And I need leather tissues. 287 00:09:57,364 --> 00:09:59,531 I also want everyone I've ever hooked up with 288 00:09:59,533 --> 00:10:01,933 To just jerk off together. 289 00:10:01,935 --> 00:10:03,702 That might bring me back to life. 290 00:10:03,704 --> 00:10:04,369 Seriously. 291 00:10:04,371 --> 00:10:06,171 Yo, you should be careful. 292 00:10:06,173 --> 00:10:08,173 I just want like, a really nice funeral. 293 00:10:08,175 --> 00:10:09,841 You know, like, like, on a hill. 294 00:10:09,843 --> 00:10:12,611 You know, like everyone would be really sad, 295 00:10:12,613 --> 00:10:14,479 Like hill funerals usually are? 296 00:10:14,481 --> 00:10:15,313 Yeah. 297 00:10:15,315 --> 00:10:16,047 Everyone would be crying, 298 00:10:16,049 --> 00:10:19,651 Maybe even hysterically, but then, then, 299 00:10:19,653 --> 00:10:22,754 Everyone has to go to six flags, my treat. 300 00:10:22,756 --> 00:10:23,355 That is genius! 301 00:10:23,357 --> 00:10:25,590 You can't be upset at six flags, you can't. 302 00:10:25,592 --> 00:10:26,057 No, no. 303 00:10:26,059 --> 00:10:27,325 You can even "weekend at bernie's" me, 304 00:10:27,327 --> 00:10:29,260 But ilana, no log flume, for real. 305 00:10:29,262 --> 00:10:31,496 How am I going to bernie you if I'm already dead? 306 00:10:31,498 --> 00:10:34,265 No, I'm obviously dying first. 307 00:10:34,267 --> 00:10:37,268 No, the husband always dies first. 308 00:10:37,270 --> 00:10:38,370 First of all, we're not married. 309 00:10:38,372 --> 00:10:40,338 Second of all, I'm the wife? 310 00:10:40,340 --> 00:10:41,806 You're the other husband. 311 00:10:41,808 --> 00:10:44,142 All right, agree to disagree. 312 00:10:44,144 --> 00:10:46,745 A to d. 313 00:10:46,747 --> 00:10:48,713 Oh, my god. 314 00:10:48,715 --> 00:10:50,849 I am definitely getting this. 315 00:10:50,851 --> 00:10:53,485 I am a female and I love to inspect bodies. 316 00:10:53,487 --> 00:10:55,487 Yeah, I think that's what that stands for. 317 00:10:55,489 --> 00:10:55,887 Me too. 318 00:10:55,889 --> 00:10:59,290 I'm getting this because I look like I've been stabbed. 319 00:10:59,292 --> 00:11:02,160 I look like I'm mid-death. 320 00:11:02,162 --> 00:11:03,395 Challah back, y'all. 321 00:11:03,397 --> 00:11:04,129 Challah back, y'all. 322 00:11:04,131 --> 00:11:07,232 All right, I'll take this and we'll take these. 323 00:11:07,234 --> 00:11:09,901 Wigs are 10, shirts are a buck each. 324 00:11:09,903 --> 00:11:12,137 Here you go. 325 00:11:12,139 --> 00:11:14,172 Oh, I love st. Mark's. 326 00:11:17,443 --> 00:11:19,344 (boy) I'm alone! 327 00:11:19,346 --> 00:11:21,312 Oh, so sad. Been there. 328 00:11:21,314 --> 00:11:23,348 All right, so we can eat as many dumplings as you want... 329 00:11:23,350 --> 00:11:24,849 Thank you. ...Whatever kind. 330 00:11:24,851 --> 00:11:26,518 Dude. 331 00:11:27,186 --> 00:11:29,521 Yo, yo, yo, that girl just did a tongue thing. 332 00:11:29,523 --> 00:11:30,422 (man) a tongue thing? 333 00:11:30,424 --> 00:11:32,557 Yeah! Hey, what'd you do? 334 00:11:32,559 --> 00:11:33,525 I don't know. 335 00:11:33,527 --> 00:11:35,527 Yeah, it was like... 336 00:11:35,529 --> 00:11:36,227 No, it wasn't. 337 00:11:36,229 --> 00:11:38,196 I just, I was just like, cute... 338 00:11:38,198 --> 00:11:41,666 You know, I'm not trying to start a whole conversation. 339 00:11:41,668 --> 00:11:49,140 You are seriously beautiful, like, really, really beautiful. 340 00:11:49,142 --> 00:11:51,409 No, you are. 341 00:11:51,411 --> 00:11:52,410 (man) whoa! 342 00:11:52,412 --> 00:11:53,311 Holy (bleep)! 343 00:11:53,313 --> 00:11:56,581 Hey! Ilana, your gift! 344 00:11:56,583 --> 00:11:57,315 (bleep) 345 00:11:57,317 --> 00:12:00,118 Stop him, he took our bag! 346 00:12:01,353 --> 00:12:02,654 Drop the bag, you (bleep). 347 00:12:02,656 --> 00:12:04,489 When I catch you, I swear I'm going to rip out 348 00:12:04,491 --> 00:12:07,459 Your disgusting little ball sack until you (bleep) 349 00:12:07,461 --> 00:12:09,227 Throw up your own dick! 350 00:12:09,229 --> 00:12:09,728 Damn it! 351 00:12:09,730 --> 00:12:11,830 Stop, we're the fbi, bitch! 352 00:12:11,832 --> 00:12:13,565 (man) hey, watch it! 353 00:12:13,567 --> 00:12:15,366 Stop that guy! 354 00:12:15,368 --> 00:12:16,401 Watch out, watch out! 355 00:12:16,403 --> 00:12:18,203 (man) hey, come on. 356 00:12:21,173 --> 00:12:21,840 Hey! 357 00:12:21,842 --> 00:12:23,808 (horn honking) 358 00:12:28,748 --> 00:12:29,414 My wig! 359 00:12:29,416 --> 00:12:31,616 Leave it, leave it! 360 00:12:31,717 --> 00:12:33,785 Market, market-- go! 361 00:12:41,560 --> 00:12:45,296 Split up! 362 00:12:45,298 --> 00:12:46,631 Oh! 363 00:12:46,633 --> 00:12:48,366 Ass(bleep). 364 00:12:49,702 --> 00:12:52,303 Go around, go around! Oh, (bleep). 365 00:12:58,377 --> 00:12:59,477 Where is he? Oh, my god. 366 00:12:59,479 --> 00:13:01,713 He just (bleep) ran down here, I... 367 00:13:01,715 --> 00:13:03,615 Go, there, there! 368 00:13:38,784 --> 00:13:40,919 Drop it, you (bleep) face, I swear I'll rip-- 369 00:13:40,921 --> 00:13:43,788 Come on, (bleep)hole! Ball sack! 370 00:13:46,659 --> 00:13:49,327 Jesus. 371 00:13:49,329 --> 00:13:51,129 (bleep). 372 00:13:51,131 --> 00:13:53,898 All right, okay. 373 00:13:53,900 --> 00:13:54,465 Yep. 374 00:13:54,467 --> 00:13:55,767 Hopefully no one will take that. 375 00:13:55,769 --> 00:13:59,304 Okay. Oh, I have a lot in here. 376 00:13:59,306 --> 00:14:00,705 Okay? 377 00:14:00,707 --> 00:14:02,140 Okay. 378 00:14:03,142 --> 00:14:05,910 (abbi) dude, he's going into a house! 379 00:14:05,912 --> 00:14:07,846 Come on! All right. 380 00:14:07,848 --> 00:14:09,380 Okay, he's getting away. 381 00:14:09,382 --> 00:14:11,249 Okay, here we go, I need just one-- 382 00:14:11,251 --> 00:14:13,952 All right, you got it, and then I just straddled. 383 00:14:13,954 --> 00:14:16,187 This is uncomfortable. I know. 384 00:14:16,189 --> 00:14:18,456 I don't feel like I wanna... 385 00:14:18,458 --> 00:14:19,424 You know what? 386 00:14:19,426 --> 00:14:21,459 I'm gonna go back down through the kitchen, 387 00:14:21,461 --> 00:14:22,894 And I'm gonna be so fast, 388 00:14:22,896 --> 00:14:24,329 And it's gonna be so good, 389 00:14:24,331 --> 00:14:26,798 And we're gonna get the gift! 390 00:14:31,837 --> 00:14:33,938 (doorbell chiming) 391 00:14:36,809 --> 00:14:37,742 Can I help you? 392 00:14:37,744 --> 00:14:38,610 A guy just ran in here. 393 00:14:38,612 --> 00:14:41,479 We were chasing him 'cause he stole my gift. 394 00:14:41,481 --> 00:14:42,714 He stole my bag. Call the police. 395 00:14:42,716 --> 00:14:43,848 He stole it right out of my hand. 396 00:14:43,850 --> 00:14:45,450 He's in here, he's in your house. 397 00:14:45,452 --> 00:14:47,652 Please, come in. 398 00:14:47,654 --> 00:14:50,121 Okay, uh... 399 00:14:51,957 --> 00:14:52,891 Timothy. 400 00:14:52,893 --> 00:14:55,894 Can you please come down here? 401 00:14:55,896 --> 00:14:57,262 Timothy. 402 00:14:57,264 --> 00:14:59,097 That boy lives here? 403 00:14:59,099 --> 00:15:01,599 Boy? He's 34 years old. 404 00:15:01,601 --> 00:15:04,002 I had him when I was very young. 405 00:15:04,004 --> 00:15:05,470 Timothy. 406 00:15:05,472 --> 00:15:07,639 Timothy! 407 00:15:07,641 --> 00:15:08,773 Jesus christ. 408 00:15:08,775 --> 00:15:09,641 What, mother? 409 00:15:09,643 --> 00:15:10,875 Can you explain yourself? 410 00:15:10,877 --> 00:15:14,178 Did you just steal something from these girls? 411 00:15:14,180 --> 00:15:15,880 Yeah, it was a (bleep) joke. 412 00:15:15,882 --> 00:15:16,814 Chill out. 413 00:15:16,816 --> 00:15:18,149 You chill out! 414 00:15:18,151 --> 00:15:19,217 Chill out! 415 00:15:19,219 --> 00:15:21,686 And get their stuff now. 416 00:15:21,688 --> 00:15:22,787 Ugh! 417 00:15:22,789 --> 00:15:24,622 Now! 418 00:15:24,624 --> 00:15:25,890 I'm sorry. 419 00:15:25,892 --> 00:15:29,160 Please, don't press charges. 420 00:15:29,162 --> 00:15:30,495 No, it's gonna... It's all right. 421 00:15:30,497 --> 00:15:35,733 Ever since he dropped out of grad school, he's, uh, 422 00:15:35,735 --> 00:15:37,702 He's given me a lot of grief. 423 00:15:37,704 --> 00:15:41,072 I don't know what to do-- throw him out, put him on the street. 424 00:15:41,074 --> 00:15:43,675 He'd love that. 425 00:15:43,677 --> 00:15:44,842 I'm so rude. 426 00:15:44,844 --> 00:15:47,245 Uh, would you... 427 00:15:47,247 --> 00:15:48,613 Oh. 428 00:15:48,615 --> 00:15:50,848 Would you, uh, like a drink? 429 00:15:50,850 --> 00:15:53,418 No, no, no. It's fine. 430 00:15:56,522 --> 00:15:58,890 It's a soft gift, so it's okay. 431 00:15:58,892 --> 00:16:00,091 Timothy! 432 00:16:00,093 --> 00:16:01,259 What is wrong with you? 433 00:16:01,261 --> 00:16:03,661 I don't know, mom. Why don't you tell me? 434 00:16:03,663 --> 00:16:04,595 You're the psychiatrist. 435 00:16:04,597 --> 00:16:06,097 Or do I need to make an appointment? 436 00:16:06,099 --> 00:16:06,898 Maybe you should. 437 00:16:06,900 --> 00:16:13,671 But you can't afford me because you don't work. 438 00:16:13,673 --> 00:16:15,640 You love this, don't you? 439 00:16:15,642 --> 00:16:17,942 You think I like this? 440 00:16:17,944 --> 00:16:18,876 My only son. 441 00:16:18,878 --> 00:16:22,013 Having to lie to my friends about 442 00:16:22,015 --> 00:16:23,748 What my son does with his life? 443 00:16:23,750 --> 00:16:26,584 He's a loser, loser, loser, 444 00:16:26,586 --> 00:16:31,923 Loser, loser, loser, loser, loser life. 445 00:16:31,925 --> 00:16:32,457 Loser. 446 00:16:32,459 --> 00:16:33,758 Right, 'cause you have to lie about me 447 00:16:33,760 --> 00:16:36,627 But not about anything in your perfect little life. 448 00:16:36,629 --> 00:16:38,863 Not about the wine, the painkillers, 449 00:16:38,865 --> 00:16:39,330 My father. 450 00:16:39,332 --> 00:16:42,133 Do I look like the son of a quarterback? 451 00:16:42,135 --> 00:16:43,701 I will... 452 00:16:43,703 --> 00:16:47,138 I never asked to be born! 453 00:16:53,612 --> 00:16:55,146 Let me tell you something. 454 00:16:55,148 --> 00:16:59,017 I'm a very good mother, it's just sometimes... 455 00:16:59,019 --> 00:17:01,953 You get a dud! 456 00:17:01,955 --> 00:17:05,123 A (bleep) dud! 457 00:17:05,125 --> 00:17:08,426 (abbi) I'm just going to grab... 458 00:17:08,428 --> 00:17:12,663 I'm sorry your son sucks so hard. 459 00:17:14,066 --> 00:17:18,503 Thank you, thank you. 460 00:17:18,505 --> 00:17:20,638 Thank you. 461 00:17:20,640 --> 00:17:22,440 Thank you. 462 00:17:23,675 --> 00:17:26,911 We're good, we're good, thanks so much. 463 00:17:26,913 --> 00:17:27,779 Thank you so much. 464 00:17:27,781 --> 00:17:29,247 Have a great night. Appreciate it. 465 00:17:29,249 --> 00:17:32,250 You look beautiful, and come back and see me. 466 00:17:32,252 --> 00:17:35,086 Will you come back and see me? Yes. 467 00:17:35,088 --> 00:17:36,854 Okay. 468 00:17:40,025 --> 00:17:41,726 Whoo. 469 00:17:41,728 --> 00:17:42,260 Jesus. 470 00:17:42,262 --> 00:17:44,195 I wonder if they own or rent. 471 00:17:44,197 --> 00:17:46,564 Dude, I need to do more cardio. 472 00:17:46,566 --> 00:17:48,166 I'm like, sore already. 473 00:17:48,168 --> 00:17:49,500 Jeez, you know... 474 00:17:49,502 --> 00:17:51,602 Oh, my god! 475 00:17:51,604 --> 00:17:53,771 Tree man. My wig! 476 00:17:53,773 --> 00:17:54,972 Oh, my god. 477 00:17:54,974 --> 00:17:56,607 Thank you, tree man. 478 00:17:56,609 --> 00:17:58,142 Thank you so much. 479 00:17:58,144 --> 00:17:58,976 This is nice. 480 00:17:58,978 --> 00:18:01,512 You're like the giving tree in real life. 481 00:18:01,514 --> 00:18:02,847 (horn honking) 482 00:18:02,849 --> 00:18:04,449 All right! Okay. 483 00:18:04,451 --> 00:18:05,249 Hey, hey. 484 00:18:05,251 --> 00:18:08,119 You (bleep) piece of (bleep). 485 00:18:08,121 --> 00:18:09,787 I will (bleep) car. 486 00:18:09,789 --> 00:18:10,922 I will (bleep). 487 00:18:10,924 --> 00:18:13,591 I'm a tree, (bleep) damn it. 488 00:18:13,593 --> 00:18:15,860 I was here first, car. 489 00:18:15,862 --> 00:18:17,095 I was here first! 490 00:18:17,097 --> 00:18:20,198 Thanks for the wig. Thanks so much. 491 00:18:20,200 --> 00:18:22,467 Have a good night. 492 00:18:28,607 --> 00:18:30,241 This is the best gift ever. 493 00:18:30,243 --> 00:18:33,077 This is the most powerful and beautiful blanket 494 00:18:33,079 --> 00:18:35,646 Since the aids quilt. 495 00:18:35,648 --> 00:18:36,581 Good. 496 00:18:36,583 --> 00:18:39,117 I love pizza, dude. 497 00:18:39,119 --> 00:18:39,550 Me too. 498 00:18:39,552 --> 00:18:43,020 It's a squirrel sleeping bag, unzipped. 499 00:18:43,022 --> 00:18:43,921 Yes, it is. 500 00:18:43,923 --> 00:18:44,856 All right, listen. 501 00:18:44,858 --> 00:18:47,091 So, my family has a tradition on birthdays 502 00:18:47,093 --> 00:18:50,995 Where we ask the b-day-ee a couple questions. 503 00:18:50,997 --> 00:18:52,096 Are you ready? 504 00:18:52,098 --> 00:18:53,965 Ilana, 23-year-old. 505 00:18:53,967 --> 00:18:57,301 What have you done this past year that you're proud of? 506 00:18:57,303 --> 00:19:01,072 And what are you gonna do this upcoming year? 507 00:19:01,074 --> 00:19:01,873 Go. 508 00:19:01,875 --> 00:19:02,807 Okay, well... 509 00:19:02,809 --> 00:19:06,777 I am proud of the time I saw something and said something. 510 00:19:06,779 --> 00:19:08,212 Yeah. 511 00:19:08,214 --> 00:19:12,016 I'm proud that I finally felt a prostate. 512 00:19:12,018 --> 00:19:13,251 It's tricky. 513 00:19:13,253 --> 00:19:15,987 Um... I'm proud that I used a lemon 514 00:19:15,989 --> 00:19:18,789 Successfully as antiperspirant. 515 00:19:18,791 --> 00:19:19,323 (sniffing) 516 00:19:19,325 --> 00:19:20,925 Whoo, yes I did, yes I did. 517 00:19:20,927 --> 00:19:21,692 Mm-hmm, yeah. 518 00:19:21,694 --> 00:19:26,164 And next year, I want to finish a book-- 519 00:19:26,166 --> 00:19:27,031 Reading, not writing. Mm-hmm. 520 00:19:27,033 --> 00:19:32,103 I want to gradually lower my dosage of antidepressants. 521 00:19:32,105 --> 00:19:34,572 And I want to join ancestry.Com. 522 00:19:34,574 --> 00:19:35,540 Oh, I'm in. 523 00:19:35,542 --> 00:19:36,741 Dude. Let's do it. 524 00:19:36,743 --> 00:19:37,575 Okay, how about you? 525 00:19:37,577 --> 00:19:38,776 Well, it's not my birthday. 526 00:19:38,778 --> 00:19:40,278 Come on, it's-- I wanna hear it. 527 00:19:40,280 --> 00:19:41,145 Okay. So, this past year, 528 00:19:41,147 --> 00:19:44,782 I'm proud that I finally finished "damages," so good. 529 00:19:44,784 --> 00:19:47,018 I really think you need to reconsider tv. 530 00:19:47,020 --> 00:19:49,620 Nah. Um, what else? 531 00:19:49,622 --> 00:19:50,922 I pegged. 532 00:19:50,924 --> 00:19:52,023 Like-- ow! 533 00:19:52,025 --> 00:19:54,325 Really outside of my comfort level. 534 00:19:54,327 --> 00:19:55,826 You know. Okay. 535 00:19:55,828 --> 00:19:57,762 I finally masturbated above the covers 536 00:19:57,764 --> 00:19:59,664 Without my eyes being closed. 537 00:19:59,666 --> 00:20:02,233 That was a really big journal entry. 538 00:20:02,235 --> 00:20:04,135 Um... When I figured out my eyebrows. 539 00:20:04,137 --> 00:20:06,337 They're sisters, they're not twins. 540 00:20:06,339 --> 00:20:07,805 Right. Need to be treated as such. 541 00:20:07,807 --> 00:20:10,608 Overwhelming pride. 542 00:20:10,610 --> 00:20:15,012 Okay, um, what about next year? 543 00:20:15,014 --> 00:20:16,147 All right. 544 00:20:16,149 --> 00:20:17,848 I'm going to do one legit pull-up, 545 00:20:17,850 --> 00:20:18,983 For real this time. 546 00:20:18,985 --> 00:20:20,618 And I really want to keep a plant alive 547 00:20:20,620 --> 00:20:22,220 For more than two weeks. 548 00:20:22,222 --> 00:20:24,222 You know, I'm going to do that. 549 00:20:24,224 --> 00:20:25,289 Ooh, I forgot one. 550 00:20:25,291 --> 00:20:27,258 I want to see a mangina from behind. 551 00:20:27,260 --> 00:20:29,093 I haven't in years. 552 00:20:29,095 --> 00:20:30,027 What? 553 00:20:30,029 --> 00:20:32,763 A mangina is when a guy pulls his dick through his legs, 554 00:20:32,765 --> 00:20:33,531 It looks like a vagina. 555 00:20:33,533 --> 00:20:35,032 I know, I know what a mangina is. 556 00:20:35,034 --> 00:20:36,167 What do you mean from behind? 557 00:20:36,169 --> 00:20:37,034 Oh. Oh, I don't know. 558 00:20:37,036 --> 00:20:40,004 It's just, dick head and balls squishing back there. 559 00:20:40,006 --> 00:20:42,006 It's so cute! 560 00:20:42,008 --> 00:20:43,040 Okay, I have another one. 561 00:20:43,042 --> 00:20:44,942 I want to get one of those really painful massages 562 00:20:44,944 --> 00:20:47,245 Where there's like, an old russian woman who like, 563 00:20:47,247 --> 00:20:51,282 Slaps huge leaves at you while you're like, completely naked. 564 00:20:51,284 --> 00:20:55,886 I just feel like I need to feel more of life's pain. 565 00:20:55,888 --> 00:20:57,054 I hate pain. 566 00:20:57,056 --> 00:20:59,223 I love pleasure. 567 00:21:06,398 --> 00:21:07,865 I know, how have I never had edamame? I know. 568 00:21:07,867 --> 00:21:10,268 And you probably never had edamame. I have never, I had sushi, 569 00:21:10,270 --> 00:21:12,336 But I thought it was decoration. 570 00:21:12,338 --> 00:21:13,604 Ahh! 571 00:21:13,606 --> 00:21:16,774 (laughing) 572 00:21:18,744 --> 00:21:20,211 Oh, god!