1 00:00:02,068 --> 00:00:03,002 God, so at first I thought, 2 00:00:03,004 --> 00:00:04,803 do I have, like, a long butt hair? 3 00:00:04,805 --> 00:00:06,338 And then I realized, no. 4 00:00:06,340 --> 00:00:08,007 It's my head hair. Yeah. 5 00:00:08,009 --> 00:00:10,109 Fall down my back and in my butt crack. Yeah! Duh! 6 00:00:10,111 --> 00:00:11,677 I don't know. Okay, we have to go back to the fact 7 00:00:11,679 --> 00:00:16,515 that you are finally going to vagina-swallow Jeremy tonight. 8 00:00:16,517 --> 00:00:18,250 It's really more of, like, a get-together, 9 00:00:18,252 --> 00:00:19,985 hang out sesh at his apartment. 10 00:00:19,987 --> 00:00:21,954 You know, it's not really an official date-date. 11 00:00:21,956 --> 00:00:24,923 Yeah, yeah, not official, but yeah. 12 00:00:24,925 --> 00:00:26,759 There's just so much I want to know about him, like, 13 00:00:26,761 --> 00:00:28,694 I don't know where he went to college, 14 00:00:28,696 --> 00:00:29,895 how many sisters he has. 15 00:00:29,897 --> 00:00:31,030 Oh, he definitely has sisters. 16 00:00:31,032 --> 00:00:32,731 He also definitely doesn't wear underwear. 17 00:00:32,733 --> 00:00:35,801 He's got his junk rolling around in there all smelly and stuff. 18 00:00:35,803 --> 00:00:37,036 I just want to take it slow, you know? 19 00:00:37,038 --> 00:00:40,339 I really feel like this can, like, be something. 20 00:00:41,241 --> 00:00:41,807 (sighing) 21 00:00:41,809 --> 00:00:42,908 Of course she isn't here. 22 00:00:42,910 --> 00:00:44,410 I knew we didn't have to rush. 23 00:00:44,412 --> 00:00:46,745 This bitch is always late. 24 00:00:46,747 --> 00:00:47,713 Oh, here she is. 25 00:00:47,715 --> 00:00:49,615 I can't believe you beat me here! 26 00:00:49,617 --> 00:00:51,050 This bitch is always late. 27 00:00:51,052 --> 00:00:52,918 Hi, Mom. Hi, honey. 28 00:00:52,920 --> 00:00:56,121 Oh, I missed you. Abbi, come here. 29 00:00:56,123 --> 00:00:58,457 Ready to get your nails did, girls? 30 00:00:58,459 --> 00:00:58,891 Yes. 31 00:00:58,893 --> 00:01:01,760 Yelp said somebody got staph infection in this place. 32 00:01:01,762 --> 00:01:02,828 It's so cheap now. 33 00:01:02,830 --> 00:01:04,863 Staph is not the real bad one, right? 34 00:01:04,865 --> 00:01:05,497 Yeah, it is. 35 00:01:05,499 --> 00:01:08,500 ♪ Four and three and two and one ♪ 36 00:01:08,502 --> 00:01:10,736 ♪♪ 37 00:01:12,906 --> 00:01:13,505 Pick a color. 38 00:01:13,507 --> 00:01:14,807 Oh, I'm just gonna use one of theirs. 39 00:01:14,809 --> 00:01:17,376 Well, how are you gonna do touch-ups during the week? 40 00:01:17,378 --> 00:01:20,279 Mom, she's a high-class WASP-y Jew. 41 00:01:20,281 --> 00:01:25,117 A Philadelphia queen from down the Main Line, 42 00:01:25,119 --> 00:01:27,586 King of Prussia Mall! 43 00:01:30,790 --> 00:01:34,226 (bottles slapping in unison) 44 00:01:34,627 --> 00:01:38,063 Oh, Bobbi, I just wanted to say that I'm really sorry 45 00:01:38,065 --> 00:01:39,965 about Grandma Esther passing away. 46 00:01:39,967 --> 00:01:41,400 Oh, thank you, sweetheart. 47 00:01:41,402 --> 00:01:43,135 But don't cry for Grandma Esther. 48 00:01:43,137 --> 00:01:45,571 That woman lived 92 full years. 49 00:01:45,573 --> 00:01:47,940 She played for the Rockford Peaches. 50 00:01:47,942 --> 00:01:49,108 She sang at the Cotton Club. 51 00:01:49,110 --> 00:01:51,944 And she (bleep) Little Richard! Oh, I forgot about that. 52 00:01:51,946 --> 00:01:53,979 Wait, I thought Little Richard was gay. 53 00:01:53,981 --> 00:01:56,048 Bisexual alien. No, bisexual alien. 54 00:01:56,050 --> 00:01:56,748 Besides, you know what? 55 00:01:56,750 --> 00:01:59,051 Gets me a chance to go to Canal Street and pick up some handbags 56 00:01:59,053 --> 00:02:00,152 for the girls back on Long Island. 57 00:02:00,154 --> 00:02:03,188 Mom, I thought we were done with the bag obsession. 58 00:02:03,190 --> 00:02:05,424 Excuse me, Ilana, my mother just died. 59 00:02:05,426 --> 00:02:09,061 I was done, but now I'm dipping my toe back in. 60 00:02:09,063 --> 00:02:10,195 Speaking of which, sweetheart, 61 00:02:10,197 --> 00:02:12,231 you're gonna need a much stronger scissor 62 00:02:12,233 --> 00:02:14,933 for that big toe, okay? Thank you. 63 00:02:14,935 --> 00:02:17,603 ♪♪ 64 00:02:18,905 --> 00:02:19,705 Abbi, sweetheart, 65 00:02:19,707 --> 00:02:21,173 let me know if you want me to get you a bag 66 00:02:21,175 --> 00:02:23,275 when I go to Chinatown later, okay? 67 00:02:23,277 --> 00:02:24,610 I love bags. 68 00:02:24,612 --> 00:02:26,178 You guys enjoy the day together. 69 00:02:26,180 --> 00:02:28,614 I'm actually late for my non-date hangout, you know. 70 00:02:28,616 --> 00:02:31,683 Don't forget to wear a condom, Abbi. 71 00:02:31,685 --> 00:02:32,518 Ilana, I-- 72 00:02:32,520 --> 00:02:35,187 One time, I don't wear a condom and you tell your-- No! 73 00:02:35,189 --> 00:02:37,189 That's just how she says goodbye to people. 74 00:02:37,191 --> 00:02:38,290 Yeah, I care. 75 00:02:38,292 --> 00:02:39,024 Okay. 76 00:02:39,026 --> 00:02:40,058 All right, well, have fun. 77 00:02:40,060 --> 00:02:42,594 Ugh, will you look at that gorgeous tush? 78 00:02:42,596 --> 00:02:43,829 Oh, my God, it's perfection. 79 00:02:43,831 --> 00:02:46,798 Talking about my butt? (both) Yes. 80 00:02:48,034 --> 00:02:49,668 Ha ha ha! Woo! 81 00:02:53,006 --> 00:02:57,776 Jay-Z and Beyoncé, they're in the Illuminati. 82 00:02:57,778 --> 00:02:58,677 Yeah, yes. 83 00:02:58,679 --> 00:02:59,645 And what about Blue Ivy? 84 00:02:59,647 --> 00:03:03,182 She will become all of their Grandmaster Supreme. 85 00:03:03,184 --> 00:03:04,249 Wow, lucky kid. 86 00:03:04,251 --> 00:03:06,118 Bags, bags, bags, bags. Here we go. 87 00:03:06,120 --> 00:03:06,718 Bags, bags, bags. 88 00:03:06,720 --> 00:03:10,923 Buying counterfeit bags is illegal. 89 00:03:12,458 --> 00:03:14,426 Five dollar, five dollar. 90 00:03:31,044 --> 00:03:32,077 Okay, follow me. 91 00:03:32,079 --> 00:03:34,646 What the (bleep) am I talking Chinese for? 92 00:03:34,648 --> 00:03:35,514 Bags, bags. 93 00:03:35,516 --> 00:03:38,250 (Bobbi) I think that Blue Ivy must look more like Jay then Bey. 94 00:03:38,252 --> 00:03:39,952 Otherwise, we'd be seeing more pictures. 95 00:03:39,954 --> 00:03:41,887 Mom, Ma, Jay is so handsome! 96 00:03:41,889 --> 00:03:43,422 Hurry! Hurry! Nah, too much lips. 97 00:03:43,424 --> 00:03:45,757 His lips are his hottest feature! 98 00:03:45,759 --> 00:03:47,125 Not for me. 99 00:03:47,961 --> 00:03:49,628 Hurry, hurry! 100 00:03:49,630 --> 00:03:50,462 Fast, fast! 101 00:03:50,464 --> 00:03:51,530 No, no, no, no, no, no. 102 00:03:51,532 --> 00:03:53,966 We bring our own blindfolds, no. 103 00:03:53,968 --> 00:03:54,566 Thank you. 104 00:03:54,568 --> 00:03:56,435 Remember that time I got pink eye? 105 00:03:56,437 --> 00:03:57,603 That was so horrible. 106 00:03:57,605 --> 00:03:59,638 I know, that was gross. 107 00:04:01,274 --> 00:04:04,509 (tires screeching, engine revving) 108 00:04:05,678 --> 00:04:09,081 I can't believe that you live across the hall from me. 109 00:04:09,083 --> 00:04:12,150 Like, this apartment is so insane. 110 00:04:12,152 --> 00:04:15,721 Thanks, I knocked down all the walls. 111 00:04:15,723 --> 00:04:16,521 Hate walls. 112 00:04:16,523 --> 00:04:17,422 These postcards are so cool. 113 00:04:17,424 --> 00:04:20,892 They kind of remind me a little bit of your drawing. 114 00:04:20,894 --> 00:04:21,493 Oh, thank you. 115 00:04:21,495 --> 00:04:23,595 I collected them on the last road trip I took 116 00:04:23,597 --> 00:04:25,797 with my terminal dog-- Miss you, Betsy. 117 00:04:25,799 --> 00:04:28,100 Wow, that's so sweet, I'm sorry. 118 00:04:28,102 --> 00:04:32,671 You know, I've been surrounded by a lot of death lately, too. 119 00:04:32,673 --> 00:04:38,577 And sometimes death really makes me think about... 120 00:04:38,579 --> 00:04:40,379 life. 121 00:04:40,381 --> 00:04:42,014 I totally agree. 122 00:04:42,016 --> 00:04:43,782 To life. 123 00:04:43,784 --> 00:04:46,518 And to remember, 124 00:04:46,520 --> 00:04:48,086 and, and to being. 125 00:04:48,088 --> 00:04:50,555 And-- and-- and-- 126 00:04:50,557 --> 00:04:52,357 That's it. 127 00:04:56,162 --> 00:04:57,562 You're really eloquent about death. 128 00:04:57,564 --> 00:05:00,432 Well, my favorite TV show is "Six Feet Under," 129 00:05:00,434 --> 00:05:02,034 so that's probably why. 130 00:05:02,036 --> 00:05:02,834 I haven't seen it. 131 00:05:02,836 --> 00:05:06,371 You haven't seen "Six Feet Under"?! 132 00:05:06,373 --> 00:05:08,407 Oh, God. 133 00:05:08,409 --> 00:05:09,107 You're so lucky. 134 00:05:09,109 --> 00:05:11,076 You know, I have the box set if you want to borrow it. 135 00:05:11,078 --> 00:05:12,944 Maybe we could watch it together sometime. 136 00:05:12,946 --> 00:05:14,813 (enthusiastically) Yeah! 137 00:05:14,815 --> 00:05:16,848 I mean, yeah. 138 00:05:16,850 --> 00:05:19,451 If you-- if you want to. 139 00:05:21,087 --> 00:05:24,256 I definitely do. 140 00:05:24,258 --> 00:05:26,124 Oh-- That would be great. 141 00:05:26,126 --> 00:05:27,426 You got a little, um-- 142 00:05:27,428 --> 00:05:29,394 I got you, come here. 143 00:05:29,396 --> 00:05:31,296 Okay, thanks. 144 00:05:38,738 --> 00:05:40,105 Oh, my God. 145 00:05:40,107 --> 00:05:43,709 I'm kissing Jeremy. 146 00:05:43,711 --> 00:05:47,012 Oh, my God, I'm kissing Abbi. 147 00:05:49,949 --> 00:05:52,084 (arguing in Chinese) 148 00:05:52,086 --> 00:05:55,087 Ilana, I don't want you to eat sushi anymore, okay? 149 00:05:55,089 --> 00:05:55,854 What? Fukushima! 150 00:05:55,856 --> 00:05:57,889 The radiation levels are off the charts. 151 00:05:57,891 --> 00:05:58,523 Oh, give me a break. 152 00:05:58,525 --> 00:06:00,659 It's all over the Internet, I'm not making this (bleep) up! 153 00:06:00,661 --> 00:06:02,361 You wanna talk nasty seafood? 154 00:06:02,363 --> 00:06:03,428 I read a thing on "Buzzfeed" 155 00:06:03,430 --> 00:06:05,297 that said there's microscopic shrimp 156 00:06:05,299 --> 00:06:08,133 in all of New York City drinking water. 157 00:06:08,135 --> 00:06:08,700 What? 158 00:06:08,702 --> 00:06:10,635 Copepods, they're called. No! 159 00:06:10,637 --> 00:06:11,236 Yeah, Google it. 160 00:06:11,238 --> 00:06:13,138 We have shrimp inside of us at all times, 161 00:06:13,140 --> 00:06:14,973 which I'm okay with, sounds delicious. 162 00:06:14,975 --> 00:06:16,942 But it's like, ask me first? 163 00:06:19,245 --> 00:06:21,179 (tires screeching) 164 00:06:24,584 --> 00:06:26,618 (speaking Chinese) 165 00:06:28,087 --> 00:06:29,254 Now we're cooking with gas. 166 00:06:29,256 --> 00:06:33,458 All the good (bleep) is always down a manhole. 167 00:06:36,362 --> 00:06:38,563 How have we not done this sooner? 168 00:06:38,565 --> 00:06:40,132 I have no idea. 169 00:06:43,002 --> 00:06:44,803 Do you want to maybe switch? 170 00:06:44,805 --> 00:06:47,172 Mix it up a little bit? 171 00:06:47,174 --> 00:06:47,973 You sure? 172 00:06:47,975 --> 00:06:49,474 Yeah, why not, right? 173 00:06:49,476 --> 00:06:51,376 Oh, awesome. 174 00:06:59,685 --> 00:07:02,387 (whispering) It's a Shinjo. 175 00:07:06,492 --> 00:07:09,227 Right in the butt. 176 00:07:10,196 --> 00:07:11,163 Uh... 177 00:07:11,165 --> 00:07:11,930 Oh, my God! 178 00:07:11,932 --> 00:07:13,832 Oh, you just meant switch positions? 179 00:07:13,834 --> 00:07:14,599 Yeah, but it's fine. 180 00:07:14,601 --> 00:07:16,701 I-- I thought you were suggesting that we switch. 181 00:07:16,703 --> 00:07:17,769 Yeah, it just caught me off guard, 182 00:07:17,771 --> 00:07:20,772 so I'm just getting, you know, the feel. 183 00:07:20,774 --> 00:07:22,674 I'm so sorry. 184 00:07:22,676 --> 00:07:23,442 No, I-- Please. 185 00:07:23,444 --> 00:07:24,843 No, you know what? Just forget it. 186 00:07:24,845 --> 00:07:27,979 I just need a minute. Just one minute. 187 00:07:27,981 --> 00:07:30,115 It's okay. 188 00:07:31,350 --> 00:07:32,884 Stupid. 189 00:07:39,225 --> 00:07:42,427 Rachel Ackerman, Rachel Alterman, Aunt Cherry. 190 00:07:42,429 --> 00:07:45,730 Rabbi Stein, Rachel Lieberman. 191 00:07:45,732 --> 00:07:48,667 (phone vibrating) Joanne from the salon. 192 00:07:48,669 --> 00:07:50,202 Cut or uncut? 193 00:07:50,204 --> 00:07:50,669 Cut. 194 00:07:50,671 --> 00:07:52,103 Ooh, elegant. And girth? 195 00:07:52,105 --> 00:07:54,539 Listen, dude, I'm freaking the (bleep) out right now. 196 00:07:54,541 --> 00:07:55,173 So we were doing it, 197 00:07:55,175 --> 00:07:57,175 and I was like, "We should switch positions," 198 00:07:57,177 --> 00:08:00,545 and then he throws me a strap-on. 199 00:08:02,482 --> 00:08:03,882 Hold, please. 200 00:08:03,884 --> 00:08:05,817 Hello? I get one, too. 201 00:08:05,819 --> 00:08:10,489 And I think the rest are just gonna be extras, so yeah. 202 00:08:15,628 --> 00:08:17,395 Ilana, control yourself. 203 00:08:17,397 --> 00:08:19,397 Excuse me, I'm on the phone. 204 00:08:19,399 --> 00:08:21,266 Jesus, Ilana. 205 00:08:21,601 --> 00:08:23,535 This is a dream come true. 206 00:08:23,537 --> 00:08:25,770 Thank you for sharing this with me. 207 00:08:25,772 --> 00:08:27,572 Dude, I'm calling for advice. 208 00:08:27,574 --> 00:08:28,673 Oh. Sorry. 209 00:08:28,675 --> 00:08:30,876 Okay, so start by lubing up the head and work-- 210 00:08:30,878 --> 00:08:32,377 No-- I'm not even sure I'm gonna do it. 211 00:08:32,379 --> 00:08:35,313 What is not to know? This is once in a lifetime! 212 00:08:35,315 --> 00:08:36,081 It's going too fast. 213 00:08:36,083 --> 00:08:39,417 Ab, all throughout college, I slept with a strap-on on, 214 00:08:39,419 --> 00:08:41,219 just in case the opportunity came along 215 00:08:41,221 --> 00:08:43,688 that you have handed to you on a silver (bleep) platter! 216 00:08:43,690 --> 00:08:46,391 I don't know, I just envisioned being with Jeremy in, like, 217 00:08:46,393 --> 00:08:48,760 a lot of different ways, but not-- 218 00:08:48,762 --> 00:08:50,228 not this way. 219 00:08:50,230 --> 00:08:54,199 We are going to my grandmother's shiva, okay? 220 00:08:54,201 --> 00:08:55,300 The reason I'm, like, sitting and crying 221 00:08:55,302 --> 00:09:00,272 is because that badass bitch did everything she ever wanted to. 222 00:09:00,274 --> 00:09:01,239 You want to go to the grave 223 00:09:01,241 --> 00:09:04,843 dreaming of Jeremy's hairy, adorable little butthole? 224 00:09:04,845 --> 00:09:07,279 Or do you want to die knowing that you brought him pleasure 225 00:09:07,281 --> 00:09:09,881 by plowing it like a queen? 226 00:09:09,883 --> 00:09:11,650 I just don't know, Ilana. 227 00:09:11,652 --> 00:09:13,318 Bitch, you know. 228 00:09:13,320 --> 00:09:16,321 You wouldn't have called me if you didn't. 229 00:09:16,323 --> 00:09:17,522 (sighing) 230 00:09:21,294 --> 00:09:24,129 Turn around. 231 00:09:26,499 --> 00:09:28,667 (Jeremy, whispering) Ab? 232 00:09:28,669 --> 00:09:30,068 Ab? 233 00:09:30,070 --> 00:09:31,603 (normal voice) Ab. 234 00:09:31,605 --> 00:09:32,804 (shouting) Ab! 235 00:09:32,806 --> 00:09:34,172 Ahh, Jeremy. 236 00:09:34,174 --> 00:09:35,840 (whispering) Sorry to wake you. 237 00:09:35,842 --> 00:09:36,374 Oh... 238 00:09:36,376 --> 00:09:38,543 I volunteered to teach some underprivileged kids 239 00:09:38,545 --> 00:09:40,745 how to do some woodworking today. 240 00:09:40,747 --> 00:09:42,347 I'm running a little bit late. 241 00:09:42,349 --> 00:09:43,915 Wow, that's beautiful. 242 00:09:43,917 --> 00:09:47,185 Listen, stay as long as you want. 243 00:09:48,487 --> 00:09:49,854 Have a great day. 244 00:09:49,856 --> 00:09:50,522 Whoa. 245 00:09:50,524 --> 00:09:52,624 I mean, till tonight. 246 00:09:56,996 --> 00:09:58,530 (door closes) 247 00:09:59,165 --> 00:10:00,265 (woman singing) ♪ What we do ♪ 248 00:10:00,267 --> 00:10:02,200 ♪ We wash our hair when we want to ♪ 249 00:10:02,202 --> 00:10:04,603 ♪ We run the streets in the right shoes ♪ 250 00:10:04,605 --> 00:10:06,771 ♪ We killer game like we can't lose ♪ 251 00:10:06,773 --> 00:10:09,441 ♪ Staying out as late as we want to ♪ 252 00:10:09,443 --> 00:10:12,611 ♪ I'm ♪ 253 00:10:12,613 --> 00:10:16,314 ♪ All yours ♪ (sighing happily) 254 00:10:16,316 --> 00:10:17,549 (beeping) 255 00:10:18,684 --> 00:10:20,485 (bleep) 256 00:10:20,920 --> 00:10:22,921 She had, like, a tight physique. 257 00:10:22,923 --> 00:10:24,122 She was awesome. 258 00:10:24,124 --> 00:10:26,024 Well-rounded human being. 259 00:10:26,026 --> 00:10:28,293 It's so nice to see you guys. 260 00:10:28,295 --> 00:10:30,729 Oh, I love you so much. 261 00:10:30,731 --> 00:10:31,963 We love you, too. 262 00:10:31,965 --> 00:10:32,764 We love you, too, Dad. 263 00:10:32,766 --> 00:10:35,600 My dad didn't love me half as much as I love you guys. 264 00:10:35,602 --> 00:10:36,301 Okay. We know. 265 00:10:36,303 --> 00:10:39,771 Oh, your mom is so broken up over this loss. 266 00:10:39,773 --> 00:10:40,372 Poor Mommy. 267 00:10:40,374 --> 00:10:42,440 And the toll into the city? 13 bucks. 268 00:10:42,442 --> 00:10:45,510 Now, you know that's going right into Bloomberg's pocket. 269 00:10:45,512 --> 00:10:46,845 Bloomberg isn't mayor anymore. 270 00:10:46,847 --> 00:10:50,281 That's what he wants you to think! 271 00:11:00,126 --> 00:11:03,061 (crashing) 272 00:11:04,196 --> 00:11:08,266 Once again, these nipple clamps are not tight enough. 273 00:11:08,268 --> 00:11:09,701 They keep popping off. 274 00:11:09,703 --> 00:11:10,735 Well, I'm sorry, ma'am. 275 00:11:10,737 --> 00:11:14,105 That's as tight as they get. 276 00:11:14,107 --> 00:11:15,974 Have a nice day. 277 00:11:17,243 --> 00:11:18,043 Hi. Hi. 278 00:11:18,045 --> 00:11:22,814 Sir, so I have a-- I-- This morning, I was-- 279 00:11:22,816 --> 00:11:26,284 You tried to wash a dildo in a dishwasher? 280 00:11:26,286 --> 00:11:26,785 I did indeed. 281 00:11:26,787 --> 00:11:29,054 Well, I don't think you're here for a staring contest. 282 00:11:29,056 --> 00:11:30,722 Can I see it? Okay. 283 00:11:30,724 --> 00:11:32,223 Thank you. 284 00:11:32,225 --> 00:11:35,160 Mm-hmm, parabolic tearing. 285 00:11:35,162 --> 00:11:36,928 Low curvature. 286 00:11:36,930 --> 00:11:38,997 All right, let's get to work. 287 00:11:38,999 --> 00:11:42,167 ♪♪ (no voices) 288 00:11:47,773 --> 00:11:48,873 That's it. 289 00:11:48,875 --> 00:11:49,641 Yeah. 290 00:11:49,643 --> 00:11:51,676 Okay, that'll be $79. 291 00:11:51,678 --> 00:11:53,111 That's a lot. 292 00:11:53,113 --> 00:11:55,680 All right. (phone alert) 293 00:11:55,682 --> 00:11:57,882 You know, Shelly Winters purchased one of these once. 294 00:11:57,884 --> 00:12:00,418 God damn it, the shiva! Language! 295 00:12:00,420 --> 00:12:05,156 (Elliott singing) ♪ And he will raise you up ♪ 296 00:12:05,158 --> 00:12:07,492 ♪ On eagle's wings ♪ 297 00:12:07,494 --> 00:12:10,095 Isn't that a Christian song? 298 00:12:10,097 --> 00:12:12,263 (doorbell ringing) 299 00:12:12,265 --> 00:12:13,031 Hello? 300 00:12:13,033 --> 00:12:14,632 Abbi, oh, it's so good to see you. 301 00:12:14,634 --> 00:12:16,701 (farting) Oh! Whoops. 302 00:12:16,703 --> 00:12:19,370 Oh, that'll be our little secret, okay? Yeah. 303 00:12:19,372 --> 00:12:20,672 Let me take your bag. 304 00:12:20,674 --> 00:12:22,540 You know what? I can hang onto it. 305 00:12:22,542 --> 00:12:24,075 Why not. Oh, girl power. 306 00:12:24,077 --> 00:12:26,711 Ilana, honey, look who's here. 307 00:12:29,315 --> 00:12:31,216 Simply yes or no. 308 00:12:31,218 --> 00:12:34,352 Did you or did you not... 309 00:12:34,354 --> 00:12:36,721 (exhaling sharply) peg? 310 00:12:37,456 --> 00:12:40,458 (Elliott continues singing) 311 00:12:42,995 --> 00:12:43,928 Ilana-- 312 00:12:43,930 --> 00:12:49,134 This is the happiest day of my-- 313 00:12:49,136 --> 00:12:51,469 (screaming) life! 314 00:12:51,471 --> 00:12:53,772 (stops singing) Ohhhh! 315 00:12:53,774 --> 00:12:55,173 I think she's upset. Hoo! 316 00:12:55,175 --> 00:12:56,841 You know it's your grandmother's shiva? 317 00:12:56,843 --> 00:12:58,743 Whoo, you a pegga! 318 00:12:58,745 --> 00:12:59,644 Okay. 319 00:12:59,646 --> 00:13:00,245 Pega-seuss! 320 00:13:00,247 --> 00:13:01,780 Maybe we can talk about it-- That's you. 321 00:13:01,782 --> 00:13:03,648 Let's talk about it at my house, later. 322 00:13:03,650 --> 00:13:05,016 Abbi! Hi. 323 00:13:05,018 --> 00:13:08,119 I'm so sorry. Oh, hi, sweetheart, thanks for coming. 324 00:13:08,121 --> 00:13:08,720 Look at you. 325 00:13:08,722 --> 00:13:10,789 She's glowing, Ilana, look at her. 326 00:13:10,791 --> 00:13:11,556 Oh, my God. 327 00:13:11,558 --> 00:13:13,658 Ooh, this is a nice bag. Thank you so much. 328 00:13:13,660 --> 00:13:15,059 Italian leather? Yeah, I think so. 329 00:13:15,061 --> 00:13:16,995 Yeah, how's the lining? Oh, it's a great lining. 330 00:13:16,997 --> 00:13:19,430 Let me see-- I'll be the judge of that. 331 00:13:19,432 --> 00:13:20,365 No, trust me. Trust me. 332 00:13:20,367 --> 00:13:22,700 Abbi Anna Abrams! My mother's freshly dead! 333 00:13:22,702 --> 00:13:24,369 Now let me look at this lining! 334 00:13:24,371 --> 00:13:25,370 Abbi, give it to her. 335 00:13:25,372 --> 00:13:27,605 Ooh, waterproof, love that. 336 00:13:27,607 --> 00:13:28,740 Uh-huh. 337 00:13:28,742 --> 00:13:30,141 Nice backstitch. 338 00:13:30,143 --> 00:13:33,578 You really are a high-class Jewess, let me tell ya. 339 00:13:33,580 --> 00:13:34,445 I told you. 340 00:13:34,447 --> 00:13:38,449 Beautiful, beautiful. Where'd you get this? 341 00:13:38,451 --> 00:13:40,985 Um, you know, it's... Um... 342 00:13:40,987 --> 00:13:44,289 You know, that is a... Ahem. 343 00:13:44,291 --> 00:13:45,957 Do I need to keep going? 344 00:13:45,959 --> 00:13:47,325 Yeah. Definitely. 345 00:13:47,327 --> 00:13:48,893 No, no, hold on. Peg? 346 00:13:48,895 --> 00:13:49,494 What's peg? 347 00:13:49,496 --> 00:13:52,397 Pegging is when a woman with a strap-on, 348 00:13:52,399 --> 00:13:54,232 with a dildo, penetrates a man. 349 00:13:54,234 --> 00:13:57,502 Oh, but wouldn't that be more like a gay thing, Elliot? 350 00:13:57,504 --> 00:14:00,972 No, I mean, how would I put a dildo on top of my dick? 351 00:14:00,974 --> 00:14:01,506 That's true. 352 00:14:01,508 --> 00:14:05,109 Straight men and gay men alike both enjoy prostate stimulation. 353 00:14:05,111 --> 00:14:07,545 And it's very popular with married couples. 354 00:14:07,547 --> 00:14:08,813 Oh. Is it? 355 00:14:08,815 --> 00:14:09,314 Probably. 356 00:14:09,316 --> 00:14:10,448 (Bobbi) We were at the Millers' once. 357 00:14:10,450 --> 00:14:12,584 It turned out it was a swingers party. 358 00:14:12,586 --> 00:14:13,284 No! Oh, wow. 359 00:14:13,286 --> 00:14:14,786 Yeah, but we didn't have sex with anybody, just-- 360 00:14:14,788 --> 00:14:16,888 You know, but we stayed 'cause the food was incredible. 361 00:14:16,890 --> 00:14:19,057 Yes, and we also stayed because the owner's child 362 00:14:19,059 --> 00:14:22,093 had died of an overdose and we wanted to be supportive. 363 00:14:22,095 --> 00:14:23,161 Out of support. 364 00:14:23,163 --> 00:14:25,463 But Abbi, good for you for trying something new, 365 00:14:25,465 --> 00:14:26,064 That is terrific. 366 00:14:26,066 --> 00:14:28,166 I can't really believe that we're talking about it, 367 00:14:28,168 --> 00:14:31,369 because, you know, Ilana was telling me about Grandma Esther 368 00:14:31,371 --> 00:14:33,605 and how she-- she lived with no regrets. 369 00:14:33,607 --> 00:14:37,008 And it made me think, we all need to live more like that, 370 00:14:37,010 --> 00:14:39,510 You know, like, I kind of feel like I-- 371 00:14:39,512 --> 00:14:40,511 Yeah, I pegged. 372 00:14:40,513 --> 00:14:41,246 Yeah, I pegged, 373 00:14:41,248 --> 00:14:45,116 but I kind of did it for Grandma Esther, you know? 374 00:14:45,118 --> 00:14:46,484 In a way. 375 00:14:46,486 --> 00:14:48,386 (sobbing) Oh, it's okay. 376 00:14:48,388 --> 00:14:50,054 Oh, it's all right. 377 00:14:50,056 --> 00:14:51,122 Mom, feel something! 378 00:14:51,124 --> 00:14:54,592 I'm feeling the inside of this bag, okay? 379 00:14:56,262 --> 00:14:59,898 I promise I will never, ever tell anybody about your fart. 380 00:14:59,900 --> 00:15:00,431 I love you. 381 00:15:00,433 --> 00:15:02,500 Elliot, come on, we gotta get out of here. 382 00:15:02,502 --> 00:15:04,302 (phone alert) Gotta get the car. 383 00:15:04,304 --> 00:15:05,970 (Dad) Don't dawdle. 384 00:15:05,972 --> 00:15:06,571 Say hi to the dog. 385 00:15:06,573 --> 00:15:08,907 I got somewhere, I, um, need to be. 386 00:15:08,909 --> 00:15:10,241 All right, don't forget to wear a condom. 387 00:15:10,243 --> 00:15:13,344 Or not-- I don't know what's appropriate in this situation. 388 00:15:13,346 --> 00:15:14,212 I don't know, either. 389 00:15:14,214 --> 00:15:16,314 Listen to me: get that ass. 390 00:15:16,316 --> 00:15:17,615 Maybe I will. Bye, Ab. 391 00:15:17,617 --> 00:15:20,151 All right, hold on. Ilana, I can't find my phone. 392 00:15:20,153 --> 00:15:21,286 I am calling it. 393 00:15:21,288 --> 00:15:22,186 (phone vibrating inside suitcase) 394 00:15:22,188 --> 00:15:25,523 God damn it, I must've left it in one of the friggin' bags. 395 00:15:25,525 --> 00:15:26,591 Why would you do that? 396 00:15:26,593 --> 00:15:28,826 All right, let's open this up. 397 00:15:28,828 --> 00:15:29,427 Whoa, whoa, whoa! 398 00:15:29,429 --> 00:15:30,728 Don't put 'em on the filthy floor! 399 00:15:30,730 --> 00:15:31,996 Where's the pashmina? 400 00:15:31,998 --> 00:15:33,631 Get the pashmina out. 401 00:15:33,633 --> 00:15:35,767 I put this pashmina around my neck! It doesn't matter. 402 00:15:35,769 --> 00:15:39,437 Bags, bags, bags. Lots of bags! Bags, bags, bags! 403 00:15:39,439 --> 00:15:41,806 One bag, two bag, three bag, four. 404 00:15:41,808 --> 00:15:42,774 Bags, bags, bags. 405 00:15:42,776 --> 00:15:44,776 Five bags, six bags, seven bags, more. 406 00:15:44,778 --> 00:15:46,878 (both) Jesus Christ. 407 00:15:48,914 --> 00:15:49,881 (both women shouting) 408 00:15:49,883 --> 00:15:51,482 Clearly, I'm gonna be late to pick up my spread 409 00:15:51,484 --> 00:15:52,350 from Zabar's for shiva tomorrow! 410 00:15:52,352 --> 00:15:54,352 I think the real crooks down on Wall Street should be arrested! 411 00:15:54,354 --> 00:15:55,954 Reverse Robin Hoods who take from the poor 412 00:15:55,956 --> 00:15:56,988 and give to their rich friends-- 413 00:15:56,990 --> 00:15:58,389 I guess I'm gonna use my call to call Zabar's, 414 00:15:58,391 --> 00:15:59,824 'cause if you don't pick your order up-- 415 00:15:59,826 --> 00:16:01,259 you get on their (bleep) list-- 416 00:16:01,261 --> 00:16:02,093 Ivy League grad/Harvard, 417 00:16:02,095 --> 00:16:03,628 the fat cats down in DC, they don't mind-- 418 00:16:03,630 --> 00:16:04,862 And if I get on Zabar's (bleep) list, 419 00:16:04,864 --> 00:16:06,931 you can bet your ass I'm gonna sue the NYPD! 420 00:16:06,933 --> 00:16:08,032 --and little boy prostitutes! 421 00:16:08,034 --> 00:16:11,135 Guess we're being let off easy 'cause we're extremely white. 422 00:16:11,137 --> 00:16:13,838 Yeah, that's the prison industrial complex for you. 423 00:16:13,840 --> 00:16:15,006 Wanna get back in the car? 424 00:16:15,008 --> 00:16:17,842 We just want to make sure our voices are heard. 425 00:16:17,844 --> 00:16:19,310 They were-- You're very loud. 426 00:16:19,312 --> 00:16:19,944 Yeah, thank you. 427 00:16:19,946 --> 00:16:21,779 Now we'll just take our handbags and go. 428 00:16:21,781 --> 00:16:22,680 We can't give you the bags. 429 00:16:22,682 --> 00:16:24,849 They're evidence in an ongoing counterfeit investigation. 430 00:16:24,851 --> 00:16:27,352 Enjoy your new handbags! "Ongoing". 431 00:16:27,354 --> 00:16:28,720 Yeah! 432 00:16:28,988 --> 00:16:32,056 Hello, Zabar's? It's Bobbi Wexler. 433 00:16:32,058 --> 00:16:34,258 Don't you yell at me! 434 00:16:40,733 --> 00:16:41,499 (whispering) Wait. 435 00:16:41,501 --> 00:16:44,769 Hold on, I'll be right back. 436 00:16:55,848 --> 00:16:57,749 Wait, what is that? 437 00:16:57,751 --> 00:17:00,118 It-- It's a dildo. 438 00:17:01,553 --> 00:17:04,355 Um... It's not my dildo. 439 00:17:04,357 --> 00:17:06,424 Okay, so it's stupid. 440 00:17:06,426 --> 00:17:07,525 When you left yesterday, 441 00:17:07,527 --> 00:17:10,795 I put yours in the dishwasher and it-- it melted it. 442 00:17:10,797 --> 00:17:12,230 So I was like, I gotta get you a new one 443 00:17:12,232 --> 00:17:15,166 'cause I ruined your thing and I went to the sex store, 444 00:17:15,168 --> 00:17:17,168 and I got one that looks just like yours, 445 00:17:17,170 --> 00:17:18,703 except this one's brand new. 446 00:17:18,705 --> 00:17:22,473 I really appreciate you doing that, I do, 447 00:17:22,475 --> 00:17:26,077 but mine was a Shinjo. 448 00:17:26,079 --> 00:17:28,880 And that's, like, a cheap knockoff. 449 00:17:28,882 --> 00:17:32,617 $79, I feel it could get the job done. 450 00:17:32,619 --> 00:17:37,288 Um, it's just that a Shinjo is custom-made for my body, 451 00:17:37,290 --> 00:17:40,458 and it's made out of all-natural materials-- 452 00:17:40,460 --> 00:17:41,893 Totally, totally. I know that you love 453 00:17:41,895 --> 00:17:43,294 to be, like, particular about your stuff, 454 00:17:43,296 --> 00:17:45,530 I was just, like, gonna go-- Wait, wait. 455 00:17:45,532 --> 00:17:46,464 What does that mean? 456 00:17:46,466 --> 00:17:47,865 No, it's just, like, your whole thing. 457 00:17:47,867 --> 00:17:51,335 You like your stuff to be specialty and curated. 458 00:17:51,337 --> 00:17:52,303 I get it. 459 00:17:52,305 --> 00:17:54,338 Like what? 460 00:17:54,340 --> 00:17:57,075 Like, the cider beer, the cardamom? 461 00:17:57,077 --> 00:17:58,843 You have a kimono area. 462 00:17:58,845 --> 00:18:00,211 I mean, look at this apartment. 463 00:18:00,213 --> 00:18:02,713 Jeremy, I feel like we're in a magazine. 464 00:18:02,715 --> 00:18:03,681 In a good way. 465 00:18:03,683 --> 00:18:04,515 It's what I like about you. 466 00:18:04,517 --> 00:18:06,484 I guess I just didn't realize you were judging me 467 00:18:06,486 --> 00:18:07,785 based on my stuff. 468 00:18:07,787 --> 00:18:08,486 I'm not judging you, 469 00:18:08,488 --> 00:18:11,255 I mean, I pegged you last night without any judgment. 470 00:18:11,257 --> 00:18:13,057 Why would you judge that? 471 00:18:13,059 --> 00:18:13,858 I didn't. 472 00:18:13,860 --> 00:18:15,460 And I did it on the first night. 473 00:18:15,462 --> 00:18:15,993 I'm cool. 474 00:18:15,995 --> 00:18:17,962 Abbi, bragging about not judging something 475 00:18:17,964 --> 00:18:20,298 just means that you think it should be judged. 476 00:18:20,300 --> 00:18:22,166 No, I don't-- I'm not-- 477 00:18:22,168 --> 00:18:25,770 bragging about not judging or judging. 478 00:18:25,772 --> 00:18:27,738 I'm not bragging or judging. 479 00:18:27,740 --> 00:18:28,539 This is silly. 480 00:18:28,541 --> 00:18:29,974 I had fun last night. 481 00:18:29,976 --> 00:18:30,975 I liked it. 482 00:18:30,977 --> 00:18:33,111 Can we just begin this again? 483 00:18:33,113 --> 00:18:35,713 And do it again with that cheap knockoff? 484 00:18:35,715 --> 00:18:37,415 I'll probably get a rash. 485 00:18:37,417 --> 00:18:38,182 79 bucks! 486 00:18:38,184 --> 00:18:40,718 Did you seriously think that you were just gonna stick that 487 00:18:40,720 --> 00:18:45,389 inside of me and I wouldn't feel the difference? 488 00:18:45,391 --> 00:18:45,790 Yeah. 489 00:18:45,792 --> 00:18:50,094 (sighing) Now you're just being childish. 490 00:18:50,096 --> 00:18:52,029 I'm being childish? 491 00:18:52,031 --> 00:18:52,830 Yes. 492 00:18:52,832 --> 00:18:55,800 I (bleep) you in the ass 493 00:18:55,802 --> 00:18:59,137 the first night that we did anything, okay? 494 00:18:59,139 --> 00:19:01,772 I think that's pretty (bleep) mature. 495 00:19:01,774 --> 00:19:03,841 Plus, you're throwing, like, a temper tantrum 496 00:19:03,843 --> 00:19:08,412 'cause you don't have your specialty leather-blown dildo 497 00:19:08,414 --> 00:19:09,046 or whatever. 498 00:19:09,048 --> 00:19:10,481 You're being an idiot right now. 499 00:19:10,483 --> 00:19:11,716 Leather is tanned! 500 00:19:11,718 --> 00:19:12,884 It's not blown, like glass. 501 00:19:12,886 --> 00:19:15,286 Oh, I'm sorry, I'm not a leathersmith. 502 00:19:15,288 --> 00:19:15,853 You know what? 503 00:19:15,855 --> 00:19:18,623 The only reason I pegged you in the first place 504 00:19:18,625 --> 00:19:20,658 is because Ilana's grandmother died 505 00:19:20,660 --> 00:19:22,693 and she (bleep) Little Richard. 506 00:19:22,695 --> 00:19:23,561 Cool! 507 00:19:23,563 --> 00:19:24,829 It's really cool. 508 00:19:24,831 --> 00:19:25,663 Real mature. 509 00:19:25,665 --> 00:19:28,032 You know what, Abbi? 510 00:19:28,034 --> 00:19:29,133 I-- I think you should go. 511 00:19:29,135 --> 00:19:30,234 Well, I think that I should go. 512 00:19:30,236 --> 00:19:31,869 Also, maybe you want to do me a favor 513 00:19:31,871 --> 00:19:33,971 and try to keep the Alanis Morissette down? 514 00:19:33,973 --> 00:19:35,640 I mean, who-- who blasts "Thank You"? 515 00:19:35,642 --> 00:19:41,045 Now who's judging other people based on their-- their stuff? 516 00:19:41,047 --> 00:19:41,779 Real mature! 517 00:19:41,781 --> 00:19:46,551 Also, a (bleep) ton of people play that song and love it! 518 00:19:46,553 --> 00:19:48,052 Headphones. 519 00:19:50,622 --> 00:19:52,657 If we get to Chinatown in the next ten minutes, 520 00:19:52,659 --> 00:19:53,791 we can make it. 521 00:19:53,793 --> 00:19:54,692 What-- why? 522 00:19:54,694 --> 00:19:55,660 I-- I need more bags. 523 00:19:55,662 --> 00:19:57,094 Mom, we just got arrested! 524 00:19:57,096 --> 00:19:58,629 You don't understand-- I have to have the bags! 525 00:19:58,631 --> 00:20:01,199 If I don't have them, I don't know what I'm gonna do. Mom! 526 00:20:01,201 --> 00:20:02,333 Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom-- What, what? 527 00:20:02,335 --> 00:20:06,270 The bags are gone. Let it go. 528 00:20:06,272 --> 00:20:09,574 I never got to say goodbye. 529 00:20:09,576 --> 00:20:11,209 The bags know, Mom. They know. 530 00:20:11,211 --> 00:20:14,178 Hey, you're blocking the whole (bleep) sidewalk! 531 00:20:14,180 --> 00:20:14,912 (both women shouting) 532 00:20:14,914 --> 00:20:16,514 Who the hell are you, you disrespectful mother(bleep)? 533 00:20:16,516 --> 00:20:18,049 So walk around us, you patriarchal mother(bleep)! 534 00:20:18,051 --> 00:20:20,184 Who do you think you are, talking to us that way? 535 00:20:20,186 --> 00:20:21,319 What is wrong with you? 536 00:20:21,321 --> 00:20:22,453 You move around us, (bleep) face! 537 00:20:22,455 --> 00:20:24,055 I'll (bleep) murder you, you little bitch! 538 00:20:24,057 --> 00:20:25,323 You cross the street! 539 00:20:25,325 --> 00:20:26,924 I love you so much. You are my world. 540 00:20:26,926 --> 00:20:30,161 You are my everything, I think about you all day, every day. 541 00:20:33,398 --> 00:20:34,732 I mean, if I wanna leave the apartment, 542 00:20:34,734 --> 00:20:36,100 I'm gonna have to, like, jump out the window. 543 00:20:36,102 --> 00:20:37,969 You know, this is a good thing that this all happened. 544 00:20:37,971 --> 00:20:41,806 Your crush on Jeremy was holding you back and now you're free. 545 00:20:41,808 --> 00:20:43,140 You're right. 546 00:20:43,142 --> 00:20:44,008 I'm wild. 547 00:20:44,010 --> 00:20:45,543 Yeah. I'm a wild lady. 548 00:20:45,545 --> 00:20:45,977 Ugh! 549 00:20:45,979 --> 00:20:47,712 You know what? I'm gonna delete his texts. 550 00:20:47,714 --> 00:20:49,780 There's only four, but they're gone. 551 00:20:49,782 --> 00:20:51,315 You're gonna find someone else to peg. 552 00:20:51,317 --> 00:20:54,285 There are infinite holes in the sea. 553 00:20:54,287 --> 00:20:57,989 Maybe even, I don't know... 554 00:20:57,991 --> 00:20:59,156 Girl holes? 555 00:20:59,158 --> 00:21:00,925 I'm not pegging you, dude. 556 00:21:00,927 --> 00:21:03,127 You gotta stop bringing it up. 557 00:21:03,129 --> 00:21:05,429 I think I want to master regular sex first. 558 00:21:05,431 --> 00:21:08,332 At least you found a good use for that dildo. 559 00:21:08,334 --> 00:21:09,533 Right? 560 00:21:09,535 --> 00:21:11,202 It's perfect. 561 00:21:11,204 --> 00:21:12,637 I want one. 562 00:21:12,639 --> 00:21:14,005 It was 79 bucks. 563 00:21:14,007 --> 00:21:14,472 Ugh! 564 00:21:14,474 --> 00:21:15,806 I could find it cheaper in Chinatown. 565 00:21:15,808 --> 00:21:21,479 (recording of Elliot singing) ♪ He will raise you up On eagle's-- ♪ 566 00:21:21,481 --> 00:21:24,248 Oh, and also, I'm back on Jay-Z's lips. 567 00:21:24,250 --> 00:21:25,349 I like him again. 568 00:21:25,351 --> 00:21:26,317 Oh, my God. 569 00:21:26,319 --> 00:21:28,452 That's so good. 570 00:21:28,454 --> 00:21:30,688 So... 571 00:21:30,690 --> 00:21:32,290 Did you give it any more thought? 572 00:21:32,292 --> 00:21:34,725 Well, yeah, as a matter of fact, I did. 573 00:21:34,727 --> 00:21:35,326 And, well, 574 00:21:35,328 --> 00:21:37,762 I haven't changed my mind, so. 575 00:21:37,764 --> 00:21:40,865 Just open up your mind, Arthur, just open up. 576 00:21:40,867 --> 00:21:42,233 My mind is very open. 577 00:21:42,235 --> 00:21:44,402 My ass(bleep), I'm not so sure about. 578 00:21:44,404 --> 00:21:46,170 I forgot about your precious ass(bleep). 579 00:21:46,172 --> 00:21:50,308 But my ass(bleep) is fair game, of course. 580 00:21:52,611 --> 00:21:53,144 Fine. 581 00:21:53,146 --> 00:21:55,646 I'll pick one up at the mall tomorrow. 582 00:21:55,648 --> 00:21:56,213 Thank you. 583 00:21:56,215 --> 00:22:00,284 A lot of condolence e-mails to answer. (sighing) 584 00:22:06,725 --> 00:22:07,358 Where's Lincoln? 585 00:22:07,360 --> 00:22:10,127 You know, he sent that gorgeous arrangement over there. 586 00:22:10,129 --> 00:22:12,530 Yeah, I just didn't want to deal with 587 00:22:12,532 --> 00:22:17,301 explaining the (bleep)buddy thing to all these old Jews. 588 00:22:17,303 --> 00:22:17,868 Oh, yeah. 589 00:22:17,870 --> 00:22:20,037 And I appreciate the intricacies of that. 590 00:22:20,039 --> 00:22:21,305 Thank you.