1
00:00:02,569 --> 00:00:05,137
Come on!
Come on, dude!
2
00:00:05,605 --> 00:00:06,472
It's coming, it's coming.
3
00:00:06,474 --> 00:00:08,340
Go, go, let's go,
let's go!
4
00:00:10,443 --> 00:00:14,446
(indistinct voice on P.A.)
5
00:00:14,448 --> 00:00:15,047
(both) Yes!
6
00:00:15,049 --> 00:00:19,051
All right, we've gotta go
to the back of the train.
Okay.
7
00:00:20,887 --> 00:00:22,988
Okay.
Hey, sorry.
8
00:00:22,990 --> 00:00:25,090
Excuse--
Okay.
9
00:00:27,293 --> 00:00:31,897
♪♪
10
00:00:31,899 --> 00:00:33,766
(chimpanzee shrieking)
11
00:00:34,534 --> 00:00:37,403
(pigs grunting)
12
00:00:37,405 --> 00:00:39,605
(Abbi) Ugh, typical.
13
00:00:39,607 --> 00:00:41,440
(jackals cackling)
14
00:00:41,442 --> 00:00:44,276
(grunting)
15
00:00:44,278 --> 00:00:45,644
Okay.
16
00:00:48,081 --> 00:00:51,450
(woman) Val? Val!
17
00:00:52,252 --> 00:00:53,585
(moaning)
18
00:00:53,587 --> 00:00:55,621
Ilana, come on.
19
00:00:59,959 --> 00:01:01,493
Oh, my God.
20
00:01:01,495 --> 00:01:04,263
♪♪
21
00:01:14,874 --> 00:01:16,642
Oh!
Oh, my--
22
00:01:16,644 --> 00:01:18,377
Oh, (bleep).
23
00:01:18,379 --> 00:01:19,044
(gagging)
Oh!
24
00:01:19,046 --> 00:01:21,647
Okay, come on, come on.
All right, okay.
25
00:01:21,981 --> 00:01:23,982
(Abbi)
What's going on here?
26
00:01:39,532 --> 00:01:41,700
(door chiming)
27
00:01:43,470 --> 00:01:45,104
(men shouting)
28
00:01:45,106 --> 00:01:45,637
Hold up, dude.
29
00:01:45,639 --> 00:01:47,639
We were supposed to be
at the front end.
30
00:01:47,641 --> 00:01:50,175
That's what I said.
Is it?
31
00:01:50,177 --> 00:01:51,176
Is it?
Yeah. Mm-hmm.
32
00:01:51,178 --> 00:01:52,678
Are you sure?
Yeah.
33
00:01:52,680 --> 00:01:53,412
I thou-- I don't know,
34
00:01:53,414 --> 00:01:55,214
I think you said
we needed to be at--
35
00:01:55,216 --> 00:01:55,848
Get yourself--
36
00:01:55,850 --> 00:01:58,283
Don't even, I'm pretty sure
I got you.
37
00:01:58,285 --> 00:01:59,485
Go away!
(laughing)
38
00:01:59,487 --> 00:01:59,985
Get out!
39
00:01:59,987 --> 00:02:03,555
♪ Four and three
and two and one, one ♪♪
40
00:02:07,460 --> 00:02:08,260
(Ilana) I'm telling you,
41
00:02:08,262 --> 00:02:11,830
fat dudes' dicks get sucked
back inside their bodies.
42
00:02:11,832 --> 00:02:12,931
(Abbi) I'm not saying
you're wrong,
43
00:02:12,933 --> 00:02:15,100
I just don't, like,
understand the sucking back
44
00:02:15,102 --> 00:02:16,702
into their bodies
part of it.
45
00:02:16,704 --> 00:02:19,538
It's not like it's
science suction, Bill Nye!
46
00:02:19,540 --> 00:02:20,739
(both laughing)
47
00:02:20,741 --> 00:02:21,340
I'm just saying,
48
00:02:21,342 --> 00:02:23,709
the more room it has
to present itself,
49
00:02:23,711 --> 00:02:25,410
the bigger
a penis appears.
50
00:02:25,412 --> 00:02:27,045
Never forget this,
okay?
51
00:02:27,047 --> 00:02:29,081
Every 10 pounds
a guy loses,
52
00:02:29,083 --> 00:02:31,016
he gains
a visual inch.
53
00:02:31,018 --> 00:02:31,650
What, so it's like
54
00:02:31,652 --> 00:02:34,253
the best optical illusion
of all time?
55
00:02:34,255 --> 00:02:34,853
Exactly.
56
00:02:34,855 --> 00:02:35,821
Like, um,
Mount Rushmore,
57
00:02:35,823 --> 00:02:38,657
how it looks, you know,
like the presidents?
58
00:02:40,093 --> 00:02:42,094
Well, Mount Rushmore
is actually a sculpture.
59
00:02:42,096 --> 00:02:43,529
Like, it was carved
by an artist.
60
00:02:43,531 --> 00:02:46,965
Dude, this heat is like
killing me right now.
61
00:02:46,967 --> 00:02:48,167
I'm just dying.
62
00:02:48,169 --> 00:02:49,168
Oh, I love it.
63
00:02:49,170 --> 00:02:50,502
All my senses
are heightened,
64
00:02:50,504 --> 00:02:52,004
even my ethnic
ambiguity.
65
00:02:52,006 --> 00:02:52,971
I was catcalled today
66
00:02:52,973 --> 00:02:54,306
in what I believe
is Creole.
67
00:02:54,308 --> 00:02:57,242
Well, I'm on the edge
of like swamp ass right now.
68
00:02:57,244 --> 00:02:59,378
I need some A/C.
69
00:02:59,380 --> 00:02:59,811
♪♪
70
00:02:59,813 --> 00:03:02,614
(Ilana) We're gonna
have to throw these out.
71
00:03:03,283 --> 00:03:04,550
Here we go.
72
00:03:04,552 --> 00:03:06,618
This lighting
is incredible.
73
00:03:06,620 --> 00:03:08,353
Hey, do you have
any tweezers?
74
00:03:08,355 --> 00:03:10,589
Um, not on me, no.
75
00:03:10,591 --> 00:03:11,623
Ilana, did I tell
you that
76
00:03:11,625 --> 00:03:14,026
Male Stacey's cooking me
dinner tonight?
77
00:03:14,028 --> 00:03:15,427
I mean, if I was a guy,
78
00:03:15,429 --> 00:03:17,029
that is what I would do
for a girl.
79
00:03:17,031 --> 00:03:19,631
You should check out
the Colin Farrell sex tape,
80
00:03:19,633 --> 00:03:21,833
just to get back
in the swing of things,
81
00:03:21,835 --> 00:03:23,669
specifically 8:58.
82
00:03:23,671 --> 00:03:25,103
He is feasting
on her (bleep)
83
00:03:25,105 --> 00:03:27,072
like it is a dang
milk shake.
84
00:03:27,074 --> 00:03:28,740
(Irish accent)
It's me breakfast,
85
00:03:28,742 --> 00:03:30,809
lunch, and (bleep)
dinner right here.
86
00:03:30,811 --> 00:03:33,545
(Irish accent)
'Twas 8:58
you said, sire?
87
00:03:33,547 --> 00:03:33,879
Yes.
88
00:03:33,881 --> 00:03:35,414
But then you're gonna
want to swab the decks
89
00:03:35,416 --> 00:03:38,784
over to 9:44 for some
master ass(bleep) play.
90
00:03:38,786 --> 00:03:41,353
And then round it out
at 12:47 with some
91
00:03:41,355 --> 00:03:44,489
good old-fashioned
(bleep) (bleep).
92
00:03:44,491 --> 00:03:46,191
(Abbi)
Oh. So sorry.
93
00:03:46,193 --> 00:03:48,427
We love New York moms.
94
00:03:48,429 --> 00:03:49,761
(Abbi) Um, I'm gonna
buy these,
95
00:03:49,763 --> 00:03:52,798
because they're now, like,
sort of part of my body.
96
00:03:52,800 --> 00:03:54,733
So...
Perfect.
97
00:03:57,103 --> 00:03:58,770
You said 8:58?
98
00:03:58,772 --> 00:04:00,439
You're gonna like
what you see.
99
00:04:00,441 --> 00:04:01,940
I guarantee it.
100
00:04:03,409 --> 00:04:06,745
♪♪
101
00:04:06,747 --> 00:04:07,980
(Abbi) Yeah, so then
they got divorced,
102
00:04:07,982 --> 00:04:10,582
but they're still
really good friends.
103
00:04:10,584 --> 00:04:11,750
Yeah?
My parents too.
104
00:04:11,752 --> 00:04:13,619
Divorced,
still good friends.
105
00:04:13,621 --> 00:04:14,920
So cool, right?
So cool.
106
00:04:14,922 --> 00:04:15,787
I hope to get married
107
00:04:15,789 --> 00:04:16,989
just to get divorced
one day.
108
00:04:16,991 --> 00:04:17,823
(both laughing)
109
00:04:17,825 --> 00:04:19,191
I've gotta be honest,
I'm kind of massively
110
00:04:19,193 --> 00:04:20,993
regretting my decision
to sizzle fajitas
111
00:04:20,995 --> 00:04:22,828
two inches
from my head.
112
00:04:22,830 --> 00:04:25,063
But I'm glad I wore
my awesome new shirt.
113
00:04:25,065 --> 00:04:25,998
It's like
a smiley face.
114
00:04:26,000 --> 00:04:27,165
It-- Kind of like
a smiley face.
115
00:04:27,167 --> 00:04:28,200
It is!
Look at that.
116
00:04:28,202 --> 00:04:28,934
My plan is working.
117
00:04:28,936 --> 00:04:31,837
Get you over here,
hide the A/C,
118
00:04:31,839 --> 00:04:33,538
get those clothes off.
119
00:04:33,540 --> 00:04:36,708
You don't actually have
an air conditioner, do you?
120
00:04:37,543 --> 00:04:38,410
No, I don't.
121
00:04:38,412 --> 00:04:40,145
Okay.
(chuckling)
122
00:04:40,147 --> 00:04:40,812
I'm gonna go.
123
00:04:40,814 --> 00:04:42,381
I think I'm gonna
go wipe up--
124
00:04:42,383 --> 00:04:44,216
I'm gonna
go wipe my--
125
00:04:44,218 --> 00:04:44,983
I'm gonna pee.
126
00:04:44,985 --> 00:04:46,852
I'll pee and then
you know what I'll do?
127
00:04:46,854 --> 00:04:48,687
I'll wipe--
128
00:04:49,989 --> 00:04:52,057
I'm gonna use
the ladies' room.
129
00:04:52,059 --> 00:04:53,592
All right.
130
00:04:53,594 --> 00:04:55,894
(bleep), it's hot.
131
00:04:57,430 --> 00:04:58,630
Oh.
132
00:04:59,565 --> 00:05:00,299
Okay.
133
00:05:00,301 --> 00:05:01,767
All right.
Jesus, cool down.
134
00:05:01,769 --> 00:05:03,168
Just cool down, Abbi.
135
00:05:03,170 --> 00:05:04,670
You're cool,
you're cool.
136
00:05:04,672 --> 00:05:05,504
You're cool.
137
00:05:05,506 --> 00:05:08,940
You look good.
You feel good.
138
00:05:09,642 --> 00:05:11,143
That's cool.
139
00:05:11,145 --> 00:05:13,211
Cool mode.
140
00:05:13,213 --> 00:05:14,212
Here we go.
141
00:05:14,214 --> 00:05:16,815
(hair dryer blowing)
142
00:05:22,522 --> 00:05:25,057
(toilet flushing)
143
00:05:25,925 --> 00:05:27,492
Yo!
Hey!
144
00:05:27,494 --> 00:05:28,293
What up?
145
00:05:28,295 --> 00:05:29,061
I just peed.
Yeah?
146
00:05:29,063 --> 00:05:30,696
I've just been cooking.
Uh...
147
00:05:30,698 --> 00:05:32,397
I was thinking,
maybe we forget about
148
00:05:32,399 --> 00:05:34,733
the fajitas, um,
for a sec.
149
00:05:34,735 --> 00:05:36,535
I have a fan
in my room.
150
00:05:36,537 --> 00:05:40,205
Uh, that's where I sleep
and do other stuff.
151
00:05:40,207 --> 00:05:41,106
Cool.
152
00:05:41,108 --> 00:05:43,308
(Ilana) Animated movies
are where it's at.
153
00:05:43,310 --> 00:05:44,609
It's like visual crack.
154
00:05:44,611 --> 00:05:46,244
Hey, my daughter
loves "Frozen."
155
00:05:46,246 --> 00:05:47,779
Watches it over and over...
(Ilana) Oh, yes.
156
00:05:47,781 --> 00:05:49,815
looped and loop--
She's frozen.
157
00:05:49,817 --> 00:05:50,716
(Ilana)
Exactly.
158
00:05:50,718 --> 00:05:52,818
All Hollywood media
is porn,
159
00:05:52,820 --> 00:05:55,587
and all porn
is kiddie porn.
160
00:05:55,589 --> 00:05:55,954
Ooh.
161
00:05:55,956 --> 00:05:58,523
We live in a rape culture,
you know? We just do.
162
00:05:58,525 --> 00:06:00,525
I'm gonna run to
the little girl's room.
163
00:06:00,793 --> 00:06:03,328
That is rape culture
language right there.
164
00:06:03,330 --> 00:06:05,530
Wow.
Wow, wow, wow, oh.
165
00:06:05,532 --> 00:06:06,565
Where'd you
meet her, man?
166
00:06:06,567 --> 00:06:08,200
At a Foot Locker
in Times Square.
167
00:06:08,202 --> 00:06:09,067
She was
just hanging out.
168
00:06:09,069 --> 00:06:12,337
She wasn't buying anything,
she was just chilling.
169
00:06:14,207 --> 00:06:15,307
I'm gonna
take your pants off.
170
00:06:15,309 --> 00:06:16,742
Okay? Okay.
Okay. Okay.
171
00:06:16,744 --> 00:06:17,642
Okay.
They're just...
172
00:06:17,644 --> 00:06:19,411
really tight.
Yep, little bit.
173
00:06:19,413 --> 00:06:20,011
I'm sorry.
174
00:06:20,013 --> 00:06:20,979
It's just because
it's hot out.
175
00:06:20,981 --> 00:06:21,980
(grunting)
They're really on there.
176
00:06:21,982 --> 00:06:22,914
All right,
I'm gonna hold the bed,
177
00:06:22,916 --> 00:06:24,416
you just pull, okay?
Okay, on three.
178
00:06:24,418 --> 00:06:25,751
(both) One, two...
179
00:06:25,753 --> 00:06:27,486
three.
Oh, no.
180
00:06:27,488 --> 00:06:28,487
Oh, no.
181
00:06:28,489 --> 00:06:31,723
Did you have an accident
or something?
182
00:06:31,725 --> 00:06:32,791
When you went
to the bathroom,
183
00:06:32,793 --> 00:06:34,092
to wipe yourself
up earlier...
184
00:06:34,094 --> 00:06:36,027
I was peeing. I--
I got major swamp ass,
185
00:06:36,029 --> 00:06:37,562
and I started to shove
paper towels
186
00:06:37,564 --> 00:06:39,064
in my butt crack
to try to absorb it,
187
00:06:39,066 --> 00:06:41,600
and I just realized that
they're still in there.
188
00:06:41,602 --> 00:06:44,236
So, let's just pause.
Let's just pause.
189
00:06:44,238 --> 00:06:44,903
Okay?
Okay.
190
00:06:44,905 --> 00:06:46,805
Just give me one second.
All right.
191
00:06:52,011 --> 00:06:53,745
That's a lot
of paper towels.
192
00:06:53,747 --> 00:06:55,113
Do you recycle?
193
00:06:55,115 --> 00:06:56,948
I make more eye contact
with this face
194
00:06:56,950 --> 00:06:58,884
than any
human being's face.
195
00:06:58,886 --> 00:06:59,818
It's crazy.
196
00:06:59,820 --> 00:07:01,920
I love "watching" it.
197
00:07:01,922 --> 00:07:05,223
(laughter)
198
00:07:05,225 --> 00:07:06,525
Happy birthday!
199
00:07:06,527 --> 00:07:08,226
(scattered applause)
Whose birthday is it?
200
00:07:08,228 --> 00:07:10,061
Very funny.
201
00:07:10,963 --> 00:07:13,198
Oh, it's a tooth cake?
202
00:07:16,269 --> 00:07:18,570
Yup.
Happy birthday!
203
00:07:18,572 --> 00:07:19,504
Get up, yeah.
204
00:07:19,506 --> 00:07:22,140
Birthday boy,
and we all knew it...
205
00:07:22,142 --> 00:07:23,475
Yeah.
Huh?
206
00:07:31,651 --> 00:07:32,384
Oh, Abbi.
207
00:07:32,386 --> 00:07:33,552
Stacey, yeah,
it's so good.
208
00:07:33,554 --> 00:07:34,553
Oh, Abbi.
That's good.
209
00:07:34,555 --> 00:07:35,821
I feel crazy.
I feel--
210
00:07:35,823 --> 00:07:37,456
Me too.
It's so crazy.
211
00:07:37,458 --> 00:07:38,790
I really feel--
212
00:07:38,792 --> 00:07:40,125
I feel really--
213
00:07:40,127 --> 00:07:40,625
Ah.
214
00:07:40,627 --> 00:07:43,195
Ah, Stacey.
That's so good.
215
00:07:43,197 --> 00:07:44,629
Stacey.
216
00:07:44,631 --> 00:07:46,431
Stacey!
217
00:07:46,433 --> 00:07:47,466
Stace?
218
00:07:47,468 --> 00:07:48,667
Male Stacey!
219
00:07:48,669 --> 00:07:50,936
Male Stacey!
220
00:07:51,737 --> 00:07:53,038
Oh, (bleep).
221
00:07:54,974 --> 00:07:55,707
(jackhammer pounding)
222
00:07:55,709 --> 00:07:57,008
(shouting)
So, to clarify, you raped--
223
00:07:57,010 --> 00:07:58,577
(jackhammer stops)
(speaking) Ooh.
224
00:07:58,579 --> 00:08:00,212
You raped him.
225
00:08:00,214 --> 00:08:01,313
No, no.
226
00:08:01,315 --> 00:08:03,348
He passed out
from the heat.
227
00:08:03,350 --> 00:08:04,816
He seriously
wanted it.
228
00:08:04,818 --> 00:08:08,553
Ooh! That is literally
what "they" say.
229
00:08:08,555 --> 00:08:10,655
Yeah, but I really
mean it.
230
00:08:10,657 --> 00:08:12,357
So do "they."
231
00:08:12,359 --> 00:08:13,124
Well, I--
232
00:08:13,126 --> 00:08:17,429
Dude, did you...
finish?
233
00:08:17,864 --> 00:08:19,631
My God,
I raped him, dude.
234
00:08:19,633 --> 00:08:21,233
I-- I raped
Male Stacey.
235
00:08:21,235 --> 00:08:22,000
I'm a monster.
Wow.
236
00:08:22,002 --> 00:08:23,335
I need an air conditioner,
immediately!
237
00:08:23,337 --> 00:08:26,304
Wow, wow,
wow, wow, wow!
238
00:08:26,306 --> 00:08:28,240
♪♪
239
00:08:28,242 --> 00:08:30,475
They moved the fans.
Good call.
240
00:08:30,477 --> 00:08:31,476
You know, I was
gonna say something,
241
00:08:31,478 --> 00:08:33,278
but I didn't want to step
on anyone's toes, you know,
242
00:08:33,280 --> 00:08:35,347
'cause like,
I don't work here.
243
00:08:35,349 --> 00:08:36,581
Why don't you work here?
244
00:08:36,583 --> 00:08:39,050
You don't (bleep)
where you eat.
245
00:08:39,052 --> 00:08:40,519
Ooh, Turbie Twist.
246
00:08:40,521 --> 00:08:41,486
You think Lincoln
would want
247
00:08:41,488 --> 00:08:42,554
one of these
for his birthday?
248
00:08:42,556 --> 00:08:44,723
Probably not, 'cause
he doesn't have any hair.
249
00:08:44,725 --> 00:08:46,358
(clicking tongue)
Ugh, right.
250
00:08:46,360 --> 00:08:47,292
Right?
Right, right, right.
251
00:08:47,294 --> 00:08:48,960
Yeah. Hmm.
Yep, you're right.
252
00:08:48,962 --> 00:08:49,728
You know what?
Follow me.
253
00:08:49,730 --> 00:08:51,329
We'll check out
the ravioli attachments
254
00:08:51,331 --> 00:08:52,130
for his pasta maker.
255
00:08:52,132 --> 00:08:54,833
Lincoln has a pasta maker?
No way.
256
00:08:54,835 --> 00:08:56,134
Yeah, you don't know
about this?
257
00:08:56,136 --> 00:08:56,768
The homemade pasta.
258
00:08:56,770 --> 00:08:58,870
He makes a different kind
every Sunday night.
259
00:08:58,872 --> 00:09:00,071
It's on his blog.
260
00:09:00,073 --> 00:09:00,972
What blog?
261
00:09:00,974 --> 00:09:02,707
"The Al Dente Dentist."
262
00:09:02,709 --> 00:09:04,042
Do you not talk
to Lincoln?
263
00:09:04,044 --> 00:09:06,278
It should be called
"The Al Dentist."
264
00:09:06,280 --> 00:09:07,112
No, we don't--
265
00:09:07,114 --> 00:09:08,613
We don't talk.
We hook up,
266
00:09:08,615 --> 00:09:10,015
I smoke him up,
we watch TV.
267
00:09:10,017 --> 00:09:11,116
It's great.
268
00:09:11,118 --> 00:09:11,850
Abbi!
269
00:09:11,852 --> 00:09:15,153
You come here, you don't
come find me in flatware?
270
00:09:15,155 --> 00:09:17,322
Come on!
Oh, ho, ho, ho!
271
00:09:17,324 --> 00:09:18,189
Wow!
272
00:09:18,191 --> 00:09:19,024
(both) Hmm.
273
00:09:19,026 --> 00:09:21,960
Here we go.
This is it.
274
00:09:21,962 --> 00:09:23,762
Whew!
275
00:09:23,764 --> 00:09:24,963
Yes.
276
00:09:24,965 --> 00:09:26,898
Whoo!
Right.
277
00:09:26,900 --> 00:09:29,968
Blam! (scatting)
I'm just gonna...
278
00:09:31,504 --> 00:09:32,470
Oh, my God.
279
00:09:32,472 --> 00:09:34,739
Wow.
Wow, wow, wow, wow.
280
00:09:36,409 --> 00:09:38,743
All right.
Thank you, guys.
281
00:09:38,745 --> 00:09:40,245
Thank you so much.
282
00:09:40,247 --> 00:09:42,180
Whoa!
Oh, ho, ho!
283
00:09:42,182 --> 00:09:45,383
Holler at me, Abbi!
(laughing)
284
00:09:45,618 --> 00:09:46,952
Good to see you, Abbi.
Oh, I'll see you.
285
00:09:46,954 --> 00:09:48,353
How often do you
come in here?
286
00:09:48,355 --> 00:09:49,120
Not that much.
287
00:09:49,122 --> 00:09:51,222
Well, look what
the cat dragged in.
288
00:09:51,224 --> 00:09:52,724
Hey.
All right.
289
00:09:52,726 --> 00:09:54,726
Oh, my God.
290
00:09:55,695 --> 00:09:57,796
The planning this takes
is unbelievable.
291
00:09:57,798 --> 00:09:59,164
This is incredible.
What's going on?
292
00:09:59,166 --> 00:10:01,366
Oh, my God, she doesn't
do dances with me.
293
00:10:01,368 --> 00:10:02,434
(both laughing)
294
00:10:02,436 --> 00:10:04,202
Hi, pretty lady!
What's up?
295
00:10:04,204 --> 00:10:05,503
What is up?
Oh, look--
296
00:10:05,505 --> 00:10:06,271
Okay.
You know what?
297
00:10:06,273 --> 00:10:07,806
I've got a cutting board
with your name on it.
298
00:10:07,808 --> 00:10:08,473
Stunning.
No!
299
00:10:08,475 --> 00:10:10,075
No, really, I've been
calling it "The Abbi."
300
00:10:10,077 --> 00:10:11,009
Great.
Oh!
301
00:10:11,011 --> 00:10:12,243
You go do that.
302
00:10:12,245 --> 00:10:14,179
I will get
an air conditioner.
303
00:10:14,181 --> 00:10:17,248
Meet you back on
the thing.
304
00:10:17,984 --> 00:10:18,984
This feels great.
It is so good.
305
00:10:18,986 --> 00:10:20,585
It's an investment,
you know?
Right?
306
00:10:20,587 --> 00:10:22,587
I'll look for a cab
on the side streets,
307
00:10:22,589 --> 00:10:23,421
you take the avenue.
308
00:10:23,423 --> 00:10:25,757
Genius. All angles.
Whoo!
309
00:10:27,526 --> 00:10:29,127
Come on, New York!
310
00:10:29,729 --> 00:10:33,031
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
BRB!
311
00:10:33,033 --> 00:10:33,965
Ab, I got one!
312
00:10:33,967 --> 00:10:36,001
Right back here!
Are you (bleep) kidding me?
313
00:10:36,003 --> 00:10:38,370
Oh, my God!
What the--
314
00:10:39,138 --> 00:10:41,139
(bleep)!
315
00:10:41,141 --> 00:10:42,107
What do you think
about this
316
00:10:42,109 --> 00:10:43,375
for my Facebook
status update?
317
00:10:43,377 --> 00:10:46,778
"Seeking air conditioner,
free to cheap.
318
00:10:46,780 --> 00:10:47,779
Thanks.
Bye, guys."
319
00:10:47,781 --> 00:10:48,947
"Bye, guys" is
my favorite part.
320
00:10:48,949 --> 00:10:50,615
I love that.
I want more you.
321
00:10:50,617 --> 00:10:51,616
I want more panache.
322
00:10:51,618 --> 00:10:54,552
I want more spunk,
more jizzy-jazz.
323
00:10:54,554 --> 00:10:55,854
Eww, okay.
324
00:10:56,856 --> 00:10:59,824
Maybe Lincoln would want
an avocado for his birthday?
325
00:10:59,826 --> 00:11:02,027
Or like a bag
of avocados?
326
00:11:02,029 --> 00:11:02,827
No.
327
00:11:02,829 --> 00:11:06,998
Sent into... Cloud.
328
00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:09,067
Whoa, dude, I got
two responses already.
329
00:11:09,069 --> 00:11:11,302
Oh, my God.
That's so embarrassing.
330
00:11:11,304 --> 00:11:15,173
They are like up Facebook's
butthole, no shame!
331
00:11:15,175 --> 00:11:17,709
Okay, one is from
my old babysitter.
332
00:11:17,711 --> 00:11:18,309
Whoa.
333
00:11:18,311 --> 00:11:19,244
Who, if
I'm being honest,
334
00:11:19,246 --> 00:11:21,279
potentially broke up
my parents.
335
00:11:21,281 --> 00:11:23,081
Whoa!
So, no.
336
00:11:23,083 --> 00:11:25,383
The second one's
Benny Calitri.
337
00:11:25,385 --> 00:11:26,451
Who's Benny Calitri?
338
00:11:26,453 --> 00:11:28,453
I have one
mutual friend.
339
00:11:28,455 --> 00:11:30,922
(humming)
340
00:11:30,924 --> 00:11:33,425
(phone vibrating)
341
00:11:33,427 --> 00:11:34,392
Hello?
342
00:11:34,394 --> 00:11:36,094
Hey, Bevers.
Who's Benny Calitri?
343
00:11:36,096 --> 00:11:37,696
Do I know him?
Yes!
344
00:11:37,698 --> 00:11:38,930
Remember you had
that party,
345
00:11:38,932 --> 00:11:41,099
you told me I couldn't bring
a "plus one"?
346
00:11:41,101 --> 00:11:42,167
He was my "plus one"!
347
00:11:42,169 --> 00:11:44,035
Great, thanks.
He's one of my best friends.
348
00:11:44,037 --> 00:11:45,770
Did you guys--
349
00:11:47,306 --> 00:11:49,774
Mmm, mmm, mmm.
350
00:11:49,776 --> 00:11:51,409
Mmm, mmm, mmm!
351
00:11:51,411 --> 00:11:54,479
Mm-- Uh-oh!
(laughing)
352
00:11:54,481 --> 00:11:57,148
(humming)
353
00:11:57,150 --> 00:11:59,017
You know, I've never been
to this neighborhood before,
354
00:11:59,019 --> 00:12:03,188
but I'm not scared, 'cause
I'm with a stone cold rapist!
355
00:12:03,190 --> 00:12:05,590
Okay.
All right.
356
00:12:05,592 --> 00:12:06,758
Listen, Ab...
That I am.
357
00:12:06,760 --> 00:12:08,059
It's reverse rapism.
358
00:12:08,061 --> 00:12:10,028
You are raping
rape culture.
359
00:12:10,030 --> 00:12:10,729
Yes!
360
00:12:10,731 --> 00:12:12,097
Hey, I'm Benny.
Yeah.
361
00:12:12,099 --> 00:12:12,997
We've actually
met before.
362
00:12:12,999 --> 00:12:14,632
Yeah, I'm sorry, I wasn't
talking to you guys.
363
00:12:14,634 --> 00:12:15,767
I'm doing my testimonial
364
00:12:15,769 --> 00:12:18,236
for my "Amazing Race"
submission.
365
00:12:18,437 --> 00:12:20,071
I'm just a guy looking
for a challenge
366
00:12:20,073 --> 00:12:22,507
that'll change
his life forever.
367
00:12:23,142 --> 00:12:24,142
Yes?
So, yeah.
368
00:12:24,144 --> 00:12:25,577
Thank you so much
for this A/C.
369
00:12:25,579 --> 00:12:27,245
If there's anything
I can do to repay you--
370
00:12:27,247 --> 00:12:29,514
Actually, if you guys
want to carry boxes
371
00:12:29,516 --> 00:12:31,049
to the truck,
that'd be great.
372
00:12:31,051 --> 00:12:32,650
I guess.
Okay.
373
00:12:32,918 --> 00:12:34,385
A couple of my best friends
showed up.
374
00:12:34,387 --> 00:12:36,688
Even though
they were pretty stacked,
375
00:12:36,690 --> 00:12:38,757
I've got to keep my eye
on the prize--
376
00:12:38,759 --> 00:12:40,992
"The Amazing Race"!
377
00:12:40,994 --> 00:12:45,296
♪♪
378
00:12:57,843 --> 00:12:58,676
Thanks so much,
guys.
379
00:12:58,678 --> 00:13:01,546
You really pulled my butt
out of the fire.
380
00:13:01,548 --> 00:13:02,614
Yeah, thanks for--
381
00:13:02,616 --> 00:13:03,681
One question--
Why do you guys
382
00:13:03,683 --> 00:13:05,150
want a broken
air conditioner?
383
00:13:05,152 --> 00:13:05,717
What?
384
00:13:05,719 --> 00:13:06,851
Your post said,
and I quote,
385
00:13:06,853 --> 00:13:09,621
"Broke-ass girl looking
for an A/C to match."
386
00:13:09,623 --> 00:13:11,189
Why would I ever want
a broken air conditioner?
387
00:13:11,191 --> 00:13:12,924
(bleep)!
(bleep) me!
388
00:13:12,926 --> 00:13:14,092
I'm not big into slang,
389
00:13:14,094 --> 00:13:16,127
but I assumed "broke-ass"
means "broken"?
390
00:13:16,129 --> 00:13:18,296
Okay, I know you guys
are annoyed right now--
391
00:13:18,298 --> 00:13:19,197
I'm great
at reading vibes--
392
00:13:19,199 --> 00:13:22,000
but are either of you good
at bungee jumping,
393
00:13:22,002 --> 00:13:23,434
or can drive
a stick shift?
394
00:13:23,436 --> 00:13:24,769
I need someone
for "Amazing Race"
395
00:13:24,771 --> 00:13:26,070
because my mom
just pulled out.
396
00:13:26,072 --> 00:13:28,740
Maybe your dad
should have pulled out.
397
00:13:28,742 --> 00:13:29,474
Whoa, dude.
398
00:13:29,476 --> 00:13:31,509
That was awesome.
I just thought of that.
399
00:13:31,511 --> 00:13:32,343
I don't get it.
400
00:13:32,345 --> 00:13:33,711
Why don't you take Bevers?
401
00:13:33,713 --> 00:13:34,412
Oh, he can't.
402
00:13:34,414 --> 00:13:36,047
He's got all those kittens
to take care of.
403
00:13:36,049 --> 00:13:37,048
What kittens?
404
00:13:37,050 --> 00:13:39,384
Oh, drama.
What?
405
00:13:39,386 --> 00:13:41,052
Drama seems to follow me
wherever I go,
406
00:13:41,054 --> 00:13:42,420
especially when
I'm with the ladies--
407
00:13:42,422 --> 00:13:44,656
Stop talking now,
please!
408
00:13:44,658 --> 00:13:47,859
Stop doing
your lame-o video!
409
00:13:47,861 --> 00:13:49,727
You're not
gonna make it!
410
00:13:49,729 --> 00:13:54,732
Can we try that again
without you guys yelling?
411
00:13:54,734 --> 00:13:55,667
This is gonna work.
412
00:13:55,669 --> 00:13:57,202
I left my air conditioner
here last year
413
00:13:57,204 --> 00:14:00,238
when I graduated.
It's technically still mine.
414
00:14:00,240 --> 00:14:00,972
It's like when a mom
415
00:14:00,974 --> 00:14:02,507
gives up a baby
for adoption,
416
00:14:02,509 --> 00:14:03,374
she should
be able to go
417
00:14:03,376 --> 00:14:05,543
and get that baby back
whenever she pleases.
418
00:14:05,545 --> 00:14:08,513
I can't-- I can't get into
adoption with you again.
419
00:14:08,515 --> 00:14:11,549
It's--
Smart. Smart.
420
00:14:12,585 --> 00:14:13,384
(Ilana)
Hello, sir!
421
00:14:13,386 --> 00:14:15,453
I'm gonna sign
my friend in here.
422
00:14:16,755 --> 00:14:18,256
This is expired.
423
00:14:18,824 --> 00:14:21,526
Oh, I see.
We are loving lesbians,
424
00:14:21,528 --> 00:14:23,795
so this is because
we're clearly lesbians?
425
00:14:23,797 --> 00:14:24,529
Okay.
426
00:14:24,531 --> 00:14:26,831
'Cause your
hetero-normative notion--
427
00:14:26,833 --> 00:14:28,933
I don't care
if you're lesbians.
428
00:14:29,935 --> 00:14:30,435
Okay.
429
00:14:30,437 --> 00:14:32,704
I guess it's because
we're straight, then?
430
00:14:32,706 --> 00:14:34,706
Because we're a minority
in our class,
431
00:14:34,708 --> 00:14:35,940
we shouldn't
be treated equally?
432
00:14:35,942 --> 00:14:39,677
The straight girls of 2015
shafted yet again!
433
00:14:39,679 --> 00:14:43,481
You kids are all straight,
and you're all gay.
434
00:14:43,483 --> 00:14:44,716
Thank you.
435
00:14:44,718 --> 00:14:46,251
Thank you, sir.
436
00:14:46,253 --> 00:14:47,719
(Abbi) Okay,
we'll just do the thing,
437
00:14:47,721 --> 00:14:49,254
get in, get out.
We got this.
438
00:14:49,256 --> 00:14:51,489
Yes, we got this.
(grunting)
439
00:14:54,126 --> 00:14:56,294
Guys, some lady
and her mom are here.
440
00:14:56,296 --> 00:14:57,195
(Ilana)
Good one.
441
00:14:57,197 --> 00:14:58,863
What are you, a comedian?
Pretty much.
442
00:14:58,865 --> 00:15:01,266
My uncle
is Adam Corolla.
443
00:15:01,767 --> 00:15:03,401
(whispering)
That's it.
444
00:15:03,869 --> 00:15:05,603
(Abbi) Okay, we're
your new R.A.s,
445
00:15:05,605 --> 00:15:08,006
so I'd cut it with
the douche-fest, ASAP.
446
00:15:08,008 --> 00:15:10,508
This is a spontaneous
room raid.
447
00:15:10,510 --> 00:15:11,843
Whoo!
448
00:15:11,845 --> 00:15:13,411
Guys, we don't want
any trouble.
449
00:15:13,413 --> 00:15:14,445
I'm hoping, boys,
450
00:15:14,447 --> 00:15:16,681
that we don't find
any contraband in here,
451
00:15:16,683 --> 00:15:19,117
'cause that would not
be good for you.
452
00:15:19,119 --> 00:15:21,352
Uh-oh.
Mini-fridge.
453
00:15:21,954 --> 00:15:25,223
(gasping)
Hey, now!
454
00:15:25,225 --> 00:15:27,725
What do we got here?
455
00:15:27,727 --> 00:15:29,294
Mad vodka, huh?
456
00:15:29,296 --> 00:15:30,495
Good stuff, huh?
457
00:15:30,497 --> 00:15:32,030
And it's also
against the rules.
458
00:15:32,032 --> 00:15:33,765
Strike uno!
459
00:15:33,767 --> 00:15:35,900
(Abbi) Lordy, lordy!
460
00:15:35,902 --> 00:15:37,201
(laughing)
461
00:15:37,203 --> 00:15:38,703
Janet's 40!
462
00:15:38,705 --> 00:15:42,640
This is... Stah-rike two!
463
00:15:42,642 --> 00:15:43,741
(sniffing)
464
00:15:43,743 --> 00:15:45,510
(Abbi) What is it, girl?
What is it?
465
00:15:45,512 --> 00:15:48,680
Smell something?
(sniffing)
466
00:15:48,682 --> 00:15:49,747
(gasping)
467
00:15:49,749 --> 00:15:51,316
Lordy, lordy.
468
00:15:51,318 --> 00:15:55,753
Janet just turned 40!
469
00:15:55,755 --> 00:15:56,888
What the crap is that?
470
00:15:56,890 --> 00:15:57,989
This is strike three.
471
00:15:57,991 --> 00:15:58,823
Honestly,
that's not ours.
472
00:15:58,825 --> 00:16:01,125
Yeah, who would leave weed
in a wall, anyway?
473
00:16:01,127 --> 00:16:03,928
(mocking) Who would
leave weed in a wall?
474
00:16:03,930 --> 00:16:05,129
A weed genius!
475
00:16:05,131 --> 00:16:07,031
And she'd leave it there
indefinitely,
476
00:16:07,033 --> 00:16:09,167
in case of emergency.
477
00:16:09,169 --> 00:16:13,037
This is a serious violation
of the ethics code
478
00:16:13,039 --> 00:16:16,040
our dear university
abides by.
479
00:16:16,042 --> 00:16:20,912
I'm sorry, but as R.A.s,
we've got to report you.
480
00:16:21,213 --> 00:16:23,848
Hold on, Ilana.
Hold on, hold on.
481
00:16:23,850 --> 00:16:25,550
I don't think
the head R .A. needs
482
00:16:25,552 --> 00:16:26,918
to find out
about this.
483
00:16:26,920 --> 00:16:27,919
It's their
first violation.
484
00:16:27,921 --> 00:16:31,356
Maybe we just revoke
the A/C privileges, you know?
485
00:16:31,358 --> 00:16:32,557
Call it a day.
486
00:16:32,559 --> 00:16:34,125
I guess that's fair.
Deal.
487
00:16:34,127 --> 00:16:36,094
Guys, seriously,
the weed isn't ours.
488
00:16:36,096 --> 00:16:37,061
It's not ours.
Also...
489
00:16:37,063 --> 00:16:38,196
what does this have to do
with the A/C?
490
00:16:38,198 --> 00:16:40,231
(Abbi) These are the rules,
and when you graduate
491
00:16:40,233 --> 00:16:41,833
and get a real job
like an R .A.,
492
00:16:41,835 --> 00:16:42,633
we can talk about it.
493
00:16:42,635 --> 00:16:44,936
R.A.s are students.
When you graduate,
494
00:16:44,938 --> 00:16:47,605
we can talk about
what an R.A. is and isn't,
495
00:16:47,607 --> 00:16:50,241
and whether or not
we are students.
496
00:16:50,243 --> 00:16:55,146
While my partner
in justice
497
00:16:55,148 --> 00:16:56,914
removes your A/C,
498
00:16:56,916 --> 00:17:00,752
I'm gonna teach you boys
about the dangers
499
00:17:00,754 --> 00:17:02,420
of ripping
underaged bongs.
500
00:17:02,422 --> 00:17:03,955
Now, you take this,
brother.
501
00:17:03,957 --> 00:17:06,491
You're gonna smoke
the whole bag.
502
00:17:06,493 --> 00:17:07,892
You're first,
little buddy.
503
00:17:07,894 --> 00:17:10,261
Now, suck it up.
(bong bubbling)
504
00:17:10,263 --> 00:17:12,497
That's it.
And here we go.
505
00:17:12,499 --> 00:17:16,734
♪♪
506
00:17:46,832 --> 00:17:48,666
(Ilana) Yeah, I invented
this app--
507
00:17:48,668 --> 00:17:51,969
Well, okay, I didn't
invent it yet, but soon.
508
00:17:51,971 --> 00:17:55,807
It's this photo app that,
um, adds lasers to images,
509
00:17:55,809 --> 00:17:58,776
so you could put lasers
coming out of eyes,
510
00:17:58,778 --> 00:18:00,778
or nipples,
or buttholes.
511
00:18:00,780 --> 00:18:01,712
That'd be pretty cool,
512
00:18:01,714 --> 00:18:03,614
if it wasn't
already an app.
513
00:18:03,616 --> 00:18:04,482
Ugh.
514
00:18:04,484 --> 00:18:06,250
Wow, you hands
are big.
515
00:18:06,252 --> 00:18:07,118
I don't know
what that mean--
516
00:18:07,120 --> 00:18:10,188
I could say something,
like "big hands," or...
517
00:18:10,190 --> 00:18:11,489
right?
(chuckling)
518
00:18:11,491 --> 00:18:12,890
(laughing)
519
00:18:12,892 --> 00:18:13,758
Stop it.
520
00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:15,259
You're so funny.
521
00:18:15,261 --> 00:18:16,794
Have you ever
heard of Bleepy?
522
00:18:16,796 --> 00:18:18,763
Of course!
Bleepy is huge!
523
00:18:18,765 --> 00:18:20,565
Well, I invented that.
524
00:18:20,567 --> 00:18:21,499
No!
It's obviously
525
00:18:21,501 --> 00:18:25,069
not my only capitalist
venture at this time.
526
00:18:25,071 --> 00:18:26,871
Eww.
527
00:18:26,873 --> 00:18:29,040
Whoa, look at that.
528
00:18:31,577 --> 00:18:32,176
Dude.
529
00:18:32,178 --> 00:18:34,779
I'm definitely applying
here next year.
530
00:18:34,781 --> 00:18:37,348
Wait, I thought you said
you're a senior.
531
00:18:37,350 --> 00:18:40,718
I am, at Morristown
Prep Academy.
532
00:18:41,820 --> 00:18:43,254
Okay.
533
00:18:43,256 --> 00:18:48,493
So, how... old are you?
534
00:18:48,495 --> 00:18:50,061
16.
535
00:18:50,063 --> 00:18:53,564
Oh, I've done it again.
536
00:18:53,566 --> 00:18:55,066
I'm a repeated
sex offender.
537
00:18:55,068 --> 00:18:55,700
I'm a monster,
538
00:18:55,702 --> 00:18:57,768
and I just have to deal
with that, so...
539
00:18:57,770 --> 00:18:58,603
Okay, okay.
540
00:18:58,605 --> 00:19:01,639
So, you made out
with a minor.
541
00:19:01,641 --> 00:19:05,143
You finished
a couple of moments
542
00:19:05,145 --> 00:19:06,844
after a dude
went unconscious.
543
00:19:06,846 --> 00:19:08,846
You're a sex offender
at worst!
544
00:19:08,848 --> 00:19:10,948
Welcome to the club.
(scoffing)
545
00:19:10,950 --> 00:19:11,849
Honestly.
There's a club?
546
00:19:11,851 --> 00:19:13,084
I didn't know
there was a club.
547
00:19:13,086 --> 00:19:14,452
Yeah, it's, uh...
(laughing)
548
00:19:14,454 --> 00:19:15,853
it's not hard
to get into.
549
00:19:15,855 --> 00:19:19,223
(both laughing)
550
00:19:19,225 --> 00:19:22,627
And very, very
happy birthday.
551
00:19:22,629 --> 00:19:23,928
Thank you.
552
00:19:23,930 --> 00:19:25,463
"Reginald Corolla"?
Yeah.
553
00:19:25,465 --> 00:19:30,067
This asshole's got $3,600
on his meal card.
554
00:19:30,069 --> 00:19:31,669
That's awesome,
'cause my office
555
00:19:31,671 --> 00:19:34,305
is right around the corner
from an NYU dining hall.
556
00:19:34,307 --> 00:19:36,240
That's amazing.
I love it.
557
00:19:36,242 --> 00:19:39,243
I am honored
and thrilled
558
00:19:39,245 --> 00:19:41,078
that you would
steal something for me.
559
00:19:41,080 --> 00:19:43,247
I feel like
a fugitive.
Yeah?
560
00:19:43,249 --> 00:19:46,450
And if anyone asks,
I'll say...
561
00:19:46,452 --> 00:19:48,119
the one-armed man
took it.
562
00:19:48,121 --> 00:19:49,854
(both laughing)
563
00:19:51,089 --> 00:19:52,523
Yes.
564
00:19:52,525 --> 00:19:53,958
You don't get it,
do you?
565
00:19:53,960 --> 00:19:55,893
No, I don't
get it at all.
566
00:19:55,895 --> 00:19:58,362
(both laughing)
567
00:20:00,032 --> 00:20:03,000
Ooh, you guys are gonna
have to thank Aunt Abbi
568
00:20:03,002 --> 00:20:04,669
for your comfy
new bed.
569
00:20:04,671 --> 00:20:06,170
That's her sweatshirt.
570
00:20:06,172 --> 00:20:08,306
We're a happy family,
right?
571
00:20:08,308 --> 00:20:10,908
You got me,
Daddy-Maddy.
572
00:20:10,910 --> 00:20:12,577
You got Odysseus,
573
00:20:12,579 --> 00:20:16,681
Medusa, Artemis,
Hermes.
574
00:20:16,683 --> 00:20:18,849
You got Drew--
575
00:20:18,851 --> 00:20:19,750
Drew?
576
00:20:19,752 --> 00:20:22,954
Guys, where is Drew?
577
00:20:22,956 --> 00:20:24,021
Drew!
578
00:20:24,023 --> 00:20:26,123
It is so nice in here!
579
00:20:26,125 --> 00:20:27,158
So good.
It's so good!
580
00:20:27,160 --> 00:20:28,259
I feel amazing.
It's amazing.
581
00:20:28,261 --> 00:20:29,794
It's like a whole
other apartment.
582
00:20:29,796 --> 00:20:30,394
It is, right?
583
00:20:30,396 --> 00:20:31,862
Like a whole 'nother
apartment, yeah.
584
00:20:31,864 --> 00:20:32,863
Yes. Yes!
585
00:20:32,865 --> 00:20:34,198
(coughing)
So good.
586
00:20:34,200 --> 00:20:35,166
So good.
587
00:20:35,168 --> 00:20:36,968
So good!
588
00:20:37,603 --> 00:20:39,203
(kitten meowing)
589
00:20:39,205 --> 00:20:40,571
(kitten meowing)
590
00:20:41,006 --> 00:20:43,407
(together)
Holy (bleep)!
591
00:20:44,543 --> 00:20:45,443
(bleep)!
592
00:20:45,445 --> 00:20:47,044
Who the (bleep)
are you?
593
00:20:47,046 --> 00:20:48,346
(Stacey) How did you
get in here?
594
00:20:48,348 --> 00:20:50,848
How did you get into
my apartment?
595
00:20:50,850 --> 00:20:53,017
(Abbi) You're sitting
here watching us?
596
00:20:53,019 --> 00:20:53,918
You (bleep) perv!
597
00:20:53,920 --> 00:20:55,620
Oh, yeah, hide!
Oh, yeah, yeah, hide!
598
00:20:55,622 --> 00:20:56,487
Get in that box!
599
00:20:56,489 --> 00:20:58,756
No, you've got some
explaining to do!
600
00:20:58,758 --> 00:21:01,592
(purring)
Are you sure
that's even a cat?
601
00:21:07,866 --> 00:21:09,567
(mocking)
What a sweet boy
you are.
602
00:21:09,569 --> 00:21:11,469
(crying)
(crying)
603
00:21:11,471 --> 00:21:13,237
(both crying)
604
00:21:13,239 --> 00:21:14,572
(mocking)
I never seen that!
605
00:21:14,574 --> 00:21:16,274
I'm a good boy.
I never seen it...
606
00:21:16,276 --> 00:21:18,042
I'm a sweet boy.
In my life. No!
607
00:21:18,044 --> 00:21:20,745
Don't tell my mommy.
I never seen that!
608
00:21:20,747 --> 00:21:20,778
What is it?