1 00:00:06,172 --> 00:00:09,551 If there were a hypothetical compost vessel 2 00:00:09,551 --> 00:00:13,689 for -- hypothetically -- our doodie, 3 00:00:13,689 --> 00:00:15,310 would you hypothetically be into that? 4 00:00:15,310 --> 00:00:18,103 Sure! I been crashing on friends' couches for a month, 5 00:00:18,103 --> 00:00:21,344 so I can literally move in to-morr-ow, all right? 6 00:00:21,344 --> 00:00:22,758 Let me ask you this. 7 00:00:22,758 --> 00:00:24,827 When I take a shower, will you keep me company? 8 00:00:24,827 --> 00:00:26,310 Not -- Not inthe shower, 9 00:00:26,310 --> 00:00:28,206 just, like, sit on the toilet and talk to me? 10 00:00:28,206 --> 00:00:29,862 Okay. 11 00:00:29,862 --> 00:00:33,137 Okay, I just have one final question.Mm-hmm. 12 00:00:33,137 --> 00:00:36,517 What is your stance on the Olsen twins? 13 00:00:36,517 --> 00:00:38,896 Oh, my God, girl, the Olsen twins. 14 00:00:38,896 --> 00:00:41,241 It drives me nuts, you understand? 15 00:00:41,241 --> 00:00:43,551 Part of it is like I feel sorry for them.Yes. 16 00:00:43,551 --> 00:00:45,172 But they also billionaires, so I hate them. 17 00:00:45,172 --> 00:00:46,379 Yes! Right. 18 00:00:46,379 --> 00:00:48,034 But, I mean, did they ask for this? 19 00:00:48,034 --> 00:00:49,586 No, they did not. Okay?Unh-unh. 20 00:00:49,586 --> 00:00:51,241 Why would you have Uncle Jesse 21 00:00:51,241 --> 00:00:54,758 picking them up, kissing them to get women? 22 00:00:54,758 --> 00:00:56,551 What woman sees that as a turn-on? 23 00:00:56,551 --> 00:00:58,172 What kind of move is this? 24 00:00:58,172 --> 00:01:00,482 Child, that whole set is about to be Bill Cosby. 25 00:01:00,482 --> 00:01:01,931 You hear me? Bizarre. 26 00:01:01,931 --> 00:01:03,896 Okay? MeToo moments every damn where. 27 00:01:03,896 --> 00:01:06,275 That's it. I mean, give it to me.For real. 28 00:01:06,275 --> 00:01:07,551 Lay it down. Hello? 29 00:01:07,551 --> 00:01:08,724 I mean, we vibing, right? 30 00:01:08,724 --> 00:01:10,206 Child. Ye-e-es! 31 00:01:10,206 --> 00:01:11,379 Beezy! All ri-i-ight! 32 00:01:11,379 --> 00:01:12,413 Ha ha ha! 33 00:01:12,413 --> 00:01:14,172 Ah, yes! 34 00:01:14,172 --> 00:01:16,827 Now, just tell me, what room do I take, okay? 35 00:01:16,827 --> 00:01:20,137 Well, you have officially secured yourself a backup offer. 36 00:01:20,137 --> 00:01:21,379 Backup? 37 00:01:21,379 --> 00:01:22,896 It's just that I have one more 38 00:01:22,896 --> 00:01:25,793 brown-eyed, goy-nosed, fat-assed, 39 00:01:25,793 --> 00:01:27,724 beautiful candidate left to explore. 40 00:01:27,724 --> 00:01:30,620 Well, girl, you've literally just described me. 41 00:01:30,620 --> 00:01:32,896 [ Chuckling ] Well, it looks like I have a type.[ Sighs ] 42 00:01:32,896 --> 00:01:34,137 I will get back to you in 24 hours. 43 00:01:34,137 --> 00:01:35,310 Can you make it 23? 44 00:01:35,310 --> 00:01:36,689 'Cause I really love this place. 45 00:01:36,689 --> 00:01:37,931 [ Clatter ] 46 00:01:37,931 --> 00:01:39,551 That's never happened before. 47 00:01:39,551 --> 00:01:41,931 ♪ Four and three and two and one -- one ♪ 48 00:01:41,931 --> 00:01:46,517 ♪♪ 49 00:01:46,517 --> 00:01:48,206 I'm scared. 50 00:01:48,206 --> 00:01:49,724 I don't know how to say it 51 00:01:49,724 --> 00:01:53,551 or when or where or how exactly. 52 00:01:53,551 --> 00:01:54,965 Ugh. You haven't told Ilana 53 00:01:54,965 --> 00:01:56,448 you're moving to Colorado yet?! 54 00:01:56,448 --> 00:01:58,241 I donot envy you. 55 00:01:58,241 --> 00:02:00,586 When we told her we were getting rid of her car, 56 00:02:00,586 --> 00:02:03,620 we took her to see Savion Glover tap-dance...King of tap. 57 00:02:03,620 --> 00:02:07,172 ...and we even snuck in a backpack of sour cherry straws... 58 00:02:07,172 --> 00:02:09,000 Those are her favorite....and she still 59 00:02:09,000 --> 00:02:11,206 wanted to declare legal emancipation. 60 00:02:11,206 --> 00:02:12,620 And you better tell that bitch soon 61 00:02:12,620 --> 00:02:14,206 because I'm only good up to a certain point 62 00:02:14,206 --> 00:02:15,517 when it comes to keeping a secret. 63 00:02:15,517 --> 00:02:17,206 Like, 12 hours ago, 64 00:02:17,206 --> 00:02:20,103 Eliot tells me he's having an affair -- 65 00:02:20,103 --> 00:02:21,517 Can you believe this? -- 66 00:02:21,517 --> 00:02:24,275 with a married man, married to a woman! 67 00:02:24,275 --> 00:02:26,379 He's a homewrecker, Abbi! 68 00:02:26,379 --> 00:02:27,862 Fuck. See? 12 hours. 69 00:02:27,862 --> 00:02:29,551 Ugh. I can't help myself. 70 00:02:29,551 --> 00:02:31,275 Okay, okay, I-I'll do it today. 71 00:02:31,275 --> 00:02:33,896 Butter her up -- flowers, weed, something special. 72 00:02:33,896 --> 00:02:36,172 Just tell me it's gonna be okay. 73 00:02:36,172 --> 00:02:37,551 Bobbi? 74 00:02:37,551 --> 00:02:39,517 Bob, you're froz... 75 00:02:39,517 --> 00:02:43,620 Okay, I can see the ceiling fan still moving in the background. 76 00:02:43,620 --> 00:02:45,310 [ Laptop chirps ] 77 00:02:45,310 --> 00:02:48,034 ♪♪ 78 00:02:48,034 --> 00:02:49,827 [ Sighs ] Okay. 79 00:02:49,827 --> 00:02:51,103 [ Ilana laughs ] 80 00:02:51,103 --> 00:02:52,310 Ilana: What? 81 00:02:52,310 --> 00:02:54,172 Dude, what? Wait. 82 00:02:54,172 --> 00:02:58,000 We both bought each other a dozen roses? 83 00:02:58,000 --> 00:02:59,896 [ Laughs ] 84 00:02:59,896 --> 00:03:01,379 That is amazing. Can you believe -- 85 00:03:01,379 --> 00:03:02,448 Okay, these are for you. 86 00:03:02,448 --> 00:03:03,965 And those are for you. 87 00:03:03,965 --> 00:03:06,172 Can you believe we are so psychically linked? 88 00:03:06,172 --> 00:03:08,586 No, and -- and, luckily, nothing -- 89 00:03:08,586 --> 00:03:12,206 you know, no space or time or distance or anything -- 90 00:03:12,206 --> 00:03:13,655 would ever change that or take that away. 91 00:03:13,655 --> 00:03:15,000 Not even death. 92 00:03:15,000 --> 00:03:17,344 That's hot. Yeah. 93 00:03:17,344 --> 00:03:19,586 So, today, we are going to do something 94 00:03:19,586 --> 00:03:22,724 that you have wanted to do forever, baby.What? 95 00:03:23,896 --> 00:03:25,931 [ Lisping ] "Sleep No More"! 96 00:03:25,931 --> 00:03:27,413 [ Laughs ] Are you serious? 97 00:03:27,413 --> 00:03:28,689 [ Normal voice ] Uh-huh! 98 00:03:28,689 --> 00:03:29,931 God, I love living in New York City. 99 00:03:29,931 --> 00:03:31,551 You just -- You can't beat it. 100 00:03:31,551 --> 00:03:32,965 You get to be physically near 101 00:03:32,965 --> 00:03:34,896 the cutting edge of art and culture 102 00:03:34,896 --> 00:03:36,275 and then, just a mere decade later, 103 00:03:36,275 --> 00:03:38,448 actually afford to experience it. 104 00:03:38,448 --> 00:03:40,068 Mm-hmm. But wait. 105 00:03:40,068 --> 00:03:41,827 Aren't you gonna be too scared to go? 106 00:03:41,827 --> 00:03:42,896 I mean, I'm excited. 107 00:03:42,896 --> 00:03:44,172 I am also scared, 108 00:03:44,172 --> 00:03:46,000 but it is gonna be scary, right? 109 00:03:46,000 --> 00:03:47,724 It's not intended to be scary. 110 00:03:47,724 --> 00:03:50,517 It's kind of like interactive, modern version of "Macbeth." 111 00:03:50,517 --> 00:03:51,965 Ooh! Shakespeare. 112 00:03:51,965 --> 00:03:55,034 I loveShakespeare, all his stuff. 113 00:03:55,034 --> 00:03:56,344 Mm. 114 00:03:56,344 --> 00:03:58,206 God, Shakespeare was fucking cool, 115 00:03:58,206 --> 00:04:00,793 'cause he was bisexual as hell, dawg.Mm. 116 00:04:00,793 --> 00:04:04,275 Also, you see visible vulva and penis in this show. 117 00:04:04,275 --> 00:04:05,517 Ah! 118 00:04:05,517 --> 00:04:07,344 This is gonna be sogood, 119 00:04:07,344 --> 00:04:09,137 because I want to go into this new experience 120 00:04:09,137 --> 00:04:10,793 because, like, I want to be uncomfortable 121 00:04:10,793 --> 00:04:11,827 to grow. 122 00:04:11,827 --> 00:04:13,931 Beesh, I hear deesh, 123 00:04:13,931 --> 00:04:16,758 'cause I believe in us growing together, 124 00:04:16,758 --> 00:04:18,655 no matter what form that may take. 125 00:04:18,655 --> 00:04:21,172 Me too, dude. 126 00:04:21,172 --> 00:04:24,000 Together forever! 127 00:04:24,000 --> 00:04:25,689 ♪♪ 128 00:04:25,689 --> 00:04:29,275 [ Hot jazz music playing ] 129 00:04:29,275 --> 00:04:30,482 Petticoats, please. 130 00:04:30,482 --> 00:04:31,586 If you could keep these vertical, 131 00:04:31,586 --> 00:04:32,931 that would be great. 132 00:04:32,931 --> 00:04:34,620 And, hey, is there a particular 133 00:04:34,620 --> 00:04:36,172 penis-and-vulva viewing room? 134 00:04:36,172 --> 00:04:38,862 I-I was told there would be visible vulva. 135 00:04:38,862 --> 00:04:41,103 Uh, you know, this is more of a -- 136 00:04:41,103 --> 00:04:44,068 this is honestly more of like a follow-the-action, 137 00:04:44,068 --> 00:04:45,724 choose-your-own-adventure type show. 138 00:04:45,724 --> 00:04:47,310 Just follow the rooms. 139 00:04:47,310 --> 00:04:48,931 I bet it's multiple rooms. 140 00:04:48,931 --> 00:04:50,172 Yeah. 141 00:04:51,896 --> 00:04:53,827 It isscary, see? 142 00:04:53,827 --> 00:04:55,931 20 people on one elevator, yes. 143 00:04:55,931 --> 00:04:57,275 Actually terrifying. 144 00:04:57,275 --> 00:04:58,482 [ Elevator bell dings ] 145 00:04:58,482 --> 00:05:00,827 [ Exhales ] Okay. 146 00:05:00,827 --> 00:05:07,034 ♪♪ 147 00:05:07,034 --> 00:05:09,827 Things aren't always as they seem here. 148 00:05:09,827 --> 00:05:11,655 Trust no one. 149 00:05:11,655 --> 00:05:14,655 ♪♪ 150 00:05:14,655 --> 00:05:16,379 [ Exhales deeply ] I trust you. 151 00:05:16,379 --> 00:05:17,379 I was right there. 152 00:05:17,379 --> 00:05:18,482 Me? 153 00:05:18,482 --> 00:05:20,413 No, not you. God! 154 00:05:20,413 --> 00:05:23,137 Jesus. You -- I trust you. 155 00:05:23,137 --> 00:05:24,724 Me? Oh, my God! 156 00:05:24,724 --> 00:05:26,068 No! What?! 157 00:05:26,068 --> 00:05:27,241 Are you bothering this girl? 158 00:05:27,241 --> 00:05:28,344 Ilana? 159 00:05:28,344 --> 00:05:31,034 Okay. God, let's go. Come on. 160 00:05:31,034 --> 00:05:32,137 [ Exhales sharply ] 161 00:05:32,137 --> 00:05:33,689 Oh, cute. 162 00:05:33,689 --> 00:05:35,827 Oh, my God. 163 00:05:35,827 --> 00:05:37,172 Okay, I can't look. 164 00:05:37,172 --> 00:05:39,068 What do you think's gonna happen to her? 165 00:05:39,068 --> 00:05:40,931 Ab, if this is too scary for you, we can go. 166 00:05:40,931 --> 00:05:42,551 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no, no. 167 00:05:42,551 --> 00:05:44,241 Yeah, it's just kind of scary not knowing, 168 00:05:44,241 --> 00:05:46,034 like, what's gonna happen next.[ Thud ] 169 00:05:46,034 --> 00:05:47,379 [ Laughs nervously ] 170 00:05:47,379 --> 00:05:50,379 We gotta do new stuff and expand. 171 00:05:50,379 --> 00:05:51,931 It's the best part of life! 172 00:05:51,931 --> 00:05:54,586 Even if we are scared and terrified, we gotta do it -- 173 00:05:54,586 --> 00:05:56,551 like, new parts of the world, new ideas, 174 00:05:56,551 --> 00:05:58,551 new -- new parts of the -- the country. 175 00:05:58,551 --> 00:06:00,068 Ooh, like Queens.Yeah, yeah. 176 00:06:00,068 --> 00:06:02,068 Or, like, further wherever, you know? 177 00:06:02,068 --> 00:06:03,413 Like, I'm in, dude. 178 00:06:03,413 --> 00:06:06,896 Girl, I love inner. Go in. Go deep. 179 00:06:06,896 --> 00:06:08,551 And, you know, when your best friend is by your side, 180 00:06:08,551 --> 00:06:10,034 there's nothing to fear. 181 00:06:10,034 --> 00:06:12,896 [ Fart ][ Laughs ] 182 00:06:12,896 --> 00:06:13,965 Oh, man. 183 00:06:13,965 --> 00:06:15,827 [ Breathing heavily ] 184 00:06:15,827 --> 00:06:17,827 [ Sniffs ] Ew, do you smell that? 185 00:06:17,827 --> 00:06:20,586 Yeah, someone must have crop-dusted us all, huh? 186 00:06:20,586 --> 00:06:22,310 Brilliant theatrical choice! 187 00:06:22,310 --> 00:06:24,517 It was me. [ Chuckles ] 188 00:06:24,517 --> 00:06:25,586 Wait. 189 00:06:25,586 --> 00:06:28,310 ♪♪ 190 00:06:28,310 --> 00:06:29,965 Oh, my God. Shitfuck. 191 00:06:29,965 --> 00:06:31,620 Nurses are never good. 192 00:06:31,620 --> 00:06:34,241 Although I do love the long-lost art of letter-writing. 193 00:06:34,241 --> 00:06:36,379 I'm just like, "Where are the chills and/or thrills?" 194 00:06:36,379 --> 00:06:38,137 You know, I want to be either really scared 195 00:06:38,137 --> 00:06:40,241 or really horny.Are you kidding me? 196 00:06:40,241 --> 00:06:41,931 This is the creepiest fucking thing I've ever seen. 197 00:06:41,931 --> 00:06:43,620 Oh, my God![ Man groaning ] 198 00:06:43,620 --> 00:06:45,448 I don't want to go on! 199 00:06:47,068 --> 00:06:48,931 Yeah, it's working. 200 00:06:48,931 --> 00:06:50,379 It's working. 201 00:06:51,793 --> 00:06:55,068 Gorgeous cursive. 202 00:06:55,068 --> 00:06:58,379 Yes! Candy! Okay, jackpot. 203 00:06:58,379 --> 00:07:00,137 Oh, my God. 204 00:07:00,137 --> 00:07:01,896 Except... 205 00:07:01,896 --> 00:07:04,137 I know what's going on. This is like -- 206 00:07:04,137 --> 00:07:06,172 What if this is like a little sweet spot 207 00:07:06,172 --> 00:07:07,724 so they -- you let your guard down 208 00:07:07,724 --> 00:07:09,172 'cause you're, like, surrounded by candy, 209 00:07:09,172 --> 00:07:10,862 and then this is where they really hit you 210 00:07:10,862 --> 00:07:13,482 with, like, the terrifying, like, terrible stuff. 211 00:07:13,482 --> 00:07:14,689 Chill out. 212 00:07:14,689 --> 00:07:16,034 Nothing terrible's gonna happen. 213 00:07:16,034 --> 00:07:17,137 I mean, you don't know that, but -- 214 00:07:17,137 --> 00:07:18,965 In fact... 215 00:07:18,965 --> 00:07:21,793 I know how to make a sweet memory even sweeter. 216 00:07:21,793 --> 00:07:23,379 [ Chuckles ] Okay. 217 00:07:23,379 --> 00:07:27,000 Abbi, you are the best thing 218 00:07:27,000 --> 00:07:28,517 that's ever come into my life, 219 00:07:28,517 --> 00:07:29,896 and I know I'm taking a big swing here, 220 00:07:29,896 --> 00:07:31,551 but I'm just gonna go for it. 221 00:07:31,551 --> 00:07:33,965 So, as I look for a roommate to replace Jaimé, 222 00:07:33,965 --> 00:07:35,344 I'm thinking, like, 223 00:07:35,344 --> 00:07:37,103 "Abbi and I spend a lot of time together. 224 00:07:37,103 --> 00:07:39,379 We get along." [ Laughs ] 225 00:07:39,379 --> 00:07:42,344 Why not spend more time together? 226 00:07:42,344 --> 00:07:44,965 I'm talking covering each other's rent once in a while. 227 00:07:44,965 --> 00:07:47,793 I'm talking knowing what each other's orgasms sound like 228 00:07:47,793 --> 00:07:49,827 instead of merely fantasizing about it. 229 00:07:49,827 --> 00:07:50,862 [ Chuckles ] 230 00:07:50,862 --> 00:07:54,448 Abbi Gary Anna Abrams... 231 00:07:54,448 --> 00:07:57,000 [ Smooching ] 232 00:07:57,000 --> 00:07:59,793 ...will you be my roommate? 233 00:07:59,793 --> 00:08:01,000 [ Chuckles nervously ] 234 00:08:01,000 --> 00:08:04,275 [ Sighs ] 235 00:08:04,275 --> 00:08:05,689 Uh, I... 236 00:08:05,689 --> 00:08:07,068 You know what? [ Clears throat ] 237 00:08:07,068 --> 00:08:08,724 Don't even worry about it. Never happened. 238 00:08:08,724 --> 00:08:10,448 [ Chuckles ] I-I get it. 239 00:08:10,448 --> 00:08:12,275 I acknowledged the swing-size, 240 00:08:12,275 --> 00:08:14,344 and I even secured a backup offer. 241 00:08:14,344 --> 00:08:16,862 She's very fucking cool, so it's -- it's chill. 242 00:08:16,862 --> 00:08:18,068 It's -- It's chill. I really... 243 00:08:18,068 --> 00:08:19,413 It's cool. 244 00:08:19,413 --> 00:08:21,034 No. No, no, no -- Wait, wait, wait. 245 00:08:21,034 --> 00:08:22,413 Dude, not -- It's... 246 00:08:22,413 --> 00:08:23,551 [ Inhales deeply ] 247 00:08:23,551 --> 00:08:25,172 Fuck. Okay. 248 00:08:25,172 --> 00:08:27,586 You're scaring me. 249 00:08:27,586 --> 00:08:30,551 I-I didn't want to tell you when we were in here. 250 00:08:30,551 --> 00:08:31,724 All right, all right. 251 00:08:31,724 --> 00:08:33,517 I-I was going to tell you today. 252 00:08:33,517 --> 00:08:36,413 Um, I got accepted 253 00:08:36,413 --> 00:08:39,758 to an artists' residency program 254 00:08:39,758 --> 00:08:44,034 in Boulder... 255 00:08:44,034 --> 00:08:47,241 Colorado. 256 00:08:47,241 --> 00:08:50,241 And I'm gonna go. 257 00:08:51,724 --> 00:08:55,172 I was, um, gonna sell my shit 258 00:08:55,172 --> 00:09:01,137 and use this as an opportunity to move. 259 00:09:01,137 --> 00:09:03,862 [ Breathing heavily ] 260 00:09:05,344 --> 00:09:07,137 What... Ilana! 261 00:09:07,137 --> 00:09:08,758 ...the fuck...Dude? Ilana? 262 00:09:08,758 --> 00:09:10,517 ...are you talking about?! Ow! 263 00:09:10,517 --> 00:09:11,931 Ilana, um... 264 00:09:11,931 --> 00:09:14,724 We need to get you into therapy today. 265 00:09:14,724 --> 00:09:17,000 This is an emergency, okay?! 266 00:09:17,000 --> 00:09:18,344 This is an emergency! 267 00:09:18,344 --> 00:09:19,896 Okay, fun fact-o, Ilana -- 268 00:09:19,896 --> 00:09:23,068 Did you know that you could fly to Boulder 269 00:09:23,068 --> 00:09:24,862 on a connecting flight through O'Hare 270 00:09:24,862 --> 00:09:27,689 with a layover in Pittsburgh for $42? 271 00:09:27,689 --> 00:09:30,482 I mean --I had never looked up how to fly to "Boulder." 272 00:09:30,482 --> 00:09:31,724 Ew! 273 00:09:31,724 --> 00:09:33,034 All right, all right.O'Hare?! 274 00:09:33,034 --> 00:09:34,689 Let's just --I don't know what that is! 275 00:09:34,689 --> 00:09:35,724 Is that Gaelic?! 276 00:09:35,724 --> 00:09:36,862 This is a little -- 277 00:09:36,862 --> 00:09:38,206 Google, what is Boulder?! 278 00:09:38,206 --> 00:09:39,482 [ Man moans ]Jesus! 279 00:09:39,482 --> 00:09:41,000 -No! -God. 280 00:09:41,000 --> 00:09:42,551 You didn't even tell me you were applying. 281 00:09:42,551 --> 00:09:44,310 Do you not consider me someone to talk shit through with? 282 00:09:44,310 --> 00:09:45,862 Are we not partners in that way? 283 00:09:45,862 --> 00:09:48,206 Of course I do, Ilana. 284 00:09:48,206 --> 00:09:50,724 You're my only friend. 285 00:09:52,896 --> 00:09:55,310 Well, I guess you've been stuck with me for awhile, 286 00:09:55,310 --> 00:09:56,689 but not anymore.[ Broken glass crunches ] 287 00:09:56,689 --> 00:09:59,241 No, dude, no. I-I don'tfeel that way. 288 00:09:59,241 --> 00:10:01,172 Ilana, wait. Just wait. 289 00:10:01,172 --> 00:10:03,689 [ Organ music playing ] 290 00:10:06,482 --> 00:10:08,379 Oh, my goodness. 291 00:10:08,379 --> 00:10:10,137 Ilana? [ Chuckles ] 292 00:10:10,137 --> 00:10:11,896 Yeah. Vulva. 293 00:10:11,896 --> 00:10:14,000 You have ruined the best part 294 00:10:14,000 --> 00:10:15,206 of this interactive production for me. 295 00:10:15,206 --> 00:10:16,310 Not now. 296 00:10:16,310 --> 00:10:18,724 I'm sorry, dude. I-I'm sorry. 297 00:10:18,724 --> 00:10:22,034 I feel really stuck in my life right now, okay? 298 00:10:22,034 --> 00:10:23,241 Nope. Nothing. 299 00:10:23,241 --> 00:10:24,689 I need a change. 300 00:10:24,689 --> 00:10:26,724 This is just like you with grad school. 301 00:10:26,724 --> 00:10:29,034 I mean, you were settling into a track 302 00:10:29,034 --> 00:10:31,000 and figuring out your career. 303 00:10:31,000 --> 00:10:32,862 Yeah, but I picked a school in New York. 304 00:10:32,862 --> 00:10:36,034 I factored you in. I alwaysfactor you in. 305 00:10:36,034 --> 00:10:38,000 Otherwise, I would've talked to you about it. 306 00:10:38,000 --> 00:10:40,310 I know. I-I know. 307 00:10:40,310 --> 00:10:41,655 I-I'm sorry. 308 00:10:41,655 --> 00:10:44,586 Well, does -- does anybody else know? 309 00:10:44,586 --> 00:10:48,482 I mean, I just talked to my mom and -- and your mom. 310 00:10:48,482 --> 00:10:50,517 You told my mom?! 311 00:10:50,517 --> 00:10:52,206 That is soviolating to me. 312 00:10:52,206 --> 00:10:53,482 Ugh! 313 00:10:53,482 --> 00:10:57,344 I'm sorry. Just hold on a second. 314 00:10:57,344 --> 00:10:59,068 Ilana? 315 00:10:59,068 --> 00:11:01,620 [ Eerie music playing ] 316 00:11:01,620 --> 00:11:04,965 ♪♪ 317 00:11:04,965 --> 00:11:09,206 [ Sighs ] What a bitch. 318 00:11:09,206 --> 00:11:12,379 [ Slurps ] 319 00:11:12,379 --> 00:11:15,275 Ilana, come on. 320 00:11:15,275 --> 00:11:19,965 I...can...not believe... 321 00:11:19,965 --> 00:11:22,793 that you would not tell me this shit 322 00:11:22,793 --> 00:11:24,793 if there was even a chance of you going. 323 00:11:24,793 --> 00:11:26,068 Dude, I was scared. 324 00:11:26,068 --> 00:11:28,655 I-I mean, I'm still scared. 325 00:11:28,655 --> 00:11:30,655 Do you think that I want to leave you? 326 00:11:30,655 --> 00:11:33,275 [ Scoffs ] No, I almost wish I didn't even get in 327 00:11:33,275 --> 00:11:34,724 so I wouldn't even have to do this. 328 00:11:34,724 --> 00:11:35,827 Ha ha ha. 329 00:11:35,827 --> 00:11:37,034 Like you're not gonna get in 330 00:11:37,034 --> 00:11:38,931 to some art program you apply to. 331 00:11:38,931 --> 00:11:41,862 You are the best artist in the world 332 00:11:41,862 --> 00:11:43,379 of all time! 333 00:11:43,379 --> 00:11:45,103 No, I'm not. 334 00:11:45,103 --> 00:11:47,103 Are you kidding me? No, I'm not. 335 00:11:47,103 --> 00:11:49,724 I need to go out and do this thing 336 00:11:49,724 --> 00:11:52,034 and -- and have an audience that's more than just you 337 00:11:52,034 --> 00:11:55,000 and -- and my parents. 338 00:11:55,000 --> 00:11:56,793 This is the first opportunity I have had 339 00:11:56,793 --> 00:12:00,551 to finally live and breathe art 340 00:12:00,551 --> 00:12:02,517 rather than breathing in, 341 00:12:02,517 --> 00:12:05,137 like, leftover prosciutto-wrapped dates 342 00:12:05,137 --> 00:12:07,620 that I stole from my catering gig. 343 00:12:07,620 --> 00:12:09,310 They're so good, though. 344 00:12:09,310 --> 00:12:11,827 Yeah, I know. That's why I continually take them, 345 00:12:11,827 --> 00:12:13,827 but, I mean, then rats come, 346 00:12:13,827 --> 00:12:15,862 and I just, like, haven't figured out how to -- 347 00:12:15,862 --> 00:12:17,172 It wouldn't be an issue 348 00:12:17,172 --> 00:12:18,965 and you wouldn't have to leave New York 349 00:12:18,965 --> 00:12:20,655 if you just flushed them down the toilet 350 00:12:20,655 --> 00:12:22,034 or wrapped them in tinfoil 351 00:12:22,034 --> 00:12:23,793 and then put them in a five-gallon Ziploc. 352 00:12:23,793 --> 00:12:25,862 It's not about me not knowing how to flush them. 353 00:12:25,862 --> 00:12:27,172 It's not about that. 354 00:12:27,172 --> 00:12:28,862 I mean, it is a teeny bit about, like, 355 00:12:28,862 --> 00:12:30,896 the methodical strategies 356 00:12:30,896 --> 00:12:33,034 in which we have to avoid rats. 357 00:12:33,034 --> 00:12:34,896 For the past eight years, 358 00:12:34,896 --> 00:12:39,310 I have cleaned out hundreds of people's pubes 359 00:12:39,310 --> 00:12:40,862 out of toilet bowls. 360 00:12:40,862 --> 00:12:46,000 So many strangers -- so many -- 361 00:12:46,000 --> 00:12:47,482 have thrown up on me. 362 00:12:47,482 --> 00:12:50,827 You do get thrown up on an exorbitant amount. 363 00:12:50,827 --> 00:12:52,793 Yeah. 364 00:12:52,793 --> 00:12:57,344 Dude, I am 30 years old. 365 00:12:57,344 --> 00:12:59,034 I'm done with New York. 366 00:12:59,034 --> 00:13:01,931 [ Exhales deeply ] Yeah. 367 00:13:01,931 --> 00:13:03,793 I get it. 368 00:13:03,793 --> 00:13:05,827 I'm really sorry. I'm sorry. 369 00:13:05,827 --> 00:13:08,068 I'm really -- I'm gross. 370 00:13:08,068 --> 00:13:10,724 I made this all about me, and it's not about me. 371 00:13:10,724 --> 00:13:12,965 But I thought you would've told me, 372 00:13:12,965 --> 00:13:15,068 but, you know, I just need time. 373 00:13:15,068 --> 00:13:17,034 I need time to process this, I -- 374 00:13:17,034 --> 00:13:19,689 process the thought of you leaving. 375 00:13:19,689 --> 00:13:22,137 Once I have that for a few months, 376 00:13:22,137 --> 00:13:24,068 [sighs] you know, whatever -- see my therapist, 377 00:13:24,068 --> 00:13:25,758 double up for a little while, 378 00:13:25,758 --> 00:13:27,896 and -- and push it through a little bit. 379 00:13:27,896 --> 00:13:30,206 Just a little time, and it'll be okay. 380 00:13:30,206 --> 00:13:33,517 I'll be there to support you, I promise. 381 00:13:36,000 --> 00:13:37,241 So, speaking of -- 382 00:13:37,241 --> 00:13:39,551 Sorry.Speaking of time... 383 00:13:39,551 --> 00:13:42,000 Speaking of -- Uh, speaking of time... 384 00:13:42,000 --> 00:13:44,413 [ Breathes shakily ] 385 00:13:44,413 --> 00:13:45,793 [ Clears throat ] 386 00:13:45,793 --> 00:13:51,275 So, the -- the program starts in two weeks. 387 00:13:51,275 --> 00:13:53,758 [ Ominous music playing ] 388 00:13:53,758 --> 00:13:58,275 ♪♪ 389 00:13:58,275 --> 00:14:01,413 What...are...you talking about?! 390 00:14:01,413 --> 00:14:02,586 [ Clattering ]Don't leave! 391 00:14:02,586 --> 00:14:03,758 Oh, my God. Stop doing this. 392 00:14:03,758 --> 00:14:05,620 We've had years together, bitch! 393 00:14:05,620 --> 00:14:07,689 You crazy fucking bitch!Holy shit. 394 00:14:07,689 --> 00:14:08,931 What are you talking about?! 395 00:14:08,931 --> 00:14:10,413 Ilana, stop. Ilana? 396 00:14:10,413 --> 00:14:11,413 [ Screams ] 397 00:14:11,413 --> 00:14:12,517 [ Crowd gasps ] 398 00:14:12,517 --> 00:14:16,172 [ Rustling, applause ] 399 00:14:18,620 --> 00:14:20,965 [ Swing music playing ] 400 00:14:20,965 --> 00:14:23,689 So, uh, what do you want to do now? 401 00:14:23,689 --> 00:14:25,724 I think we should just go home. 402 00:14:25,724 --> 00:14:28,724 Come on, Ilana. We can't end today like this. 403 00:14:28,724 --> 00:14:30,275 It's still early. 404 00:14:30,275 --> 00:14:34,275 [ Sighs deeply ] 405 00:14:34,275 --> 00:14:35,931 [ Indistinct conversations ] 406 00:14:35,931 --> 00:14:37,655 [ Exhales sharply ] Thank you. 407 00:14:37,655 --> 00:14:39,379 Wow. Oh, my God. 408 00:14:39,379 --> 00:14:42,517 I need something in my stomach so bad. 409 00:14:42,517 --> 00:14:44,724 Mmm! 410 00:14:48,034 --> 00:14:50,724 Are you not -- you're not into it? 411 00:14:50,724 --> 00:14:52,724 I'm just not that hungry. 412 00:14:52,724 --> 00:14:55,413 Ilana... 413 00:14:55,413 --> 00:14:56,724 you are the best friend 414 00:14:56,724 --> 00:14:59,896 I have ever had in my whole life. 415 00:14:59,896 --> 00:15:03,275 And I know that everybody is leaving. 416 00:15:03,275 --> 00:15:05,724 I'm sorry. I know that this is, like, 417 00:15:05,724 --> 00:15:07,931 the worst timing. 418 00:15:07,931 --> 00:15:11,965 I just -- Dude, I... 419 00:15:11,965 --> 00:15:14,586 I need to, like, change my life. 420 00:15:14,586 --> 00:15:18,241 I could do this in New York with you forever. 421 00:15:18,241 --> 00:15:20,344 Exactly. 422 00:15:20,344 --> 00:15:24,655 I don't want to. 423 00:15:24,655 --> 00:15:26,000 Not because of you -- 424 00:15:26,000 --> 00:15:27,689 not because I don't want to do this with you. 425 00:15:27,689 --> 00:15:30,275 It's just, I'm gonna be illustrating 426 00:15:30,275 --> 00:15:31,793 all day, every day. 427 00:15:31,793 --> 00:15:35,000 Like, all the time, I'm gonna be immersed in it. 428 00:15:35,000 --> 00:15:39,103 I needyou to be with me for this next journey, dude. 429 00:15:39,103 --> 00:15:42,793 I -- Like, I need that. 430 00:15:42,793 --> 00:15:45,862 You ruined "Sleep No More" for me. 431 00:15:45,862 --> 00:15:49,137 I didn't even get to get off during the orgy scene. 432 00:15:49,137 --> 00:15:52,275 Get off? In the -- In the room? 433 00:15:52,275 --> 00:15:55,793 People do. It's really dark. 434 00:15:55,793 --> 00:16:00,965 You know, Ab, I've always looked up to you, 435 00:16:00,965 --> 00:16:03,206 and I've always admired you 436 00:16:03,206 --> 00:16:06,172 for being a deep and mysterious queen, 437 00:16:06,172 --> 00:16:09,482 but I'm gonna be... 438 00:16:09,482 --> 00:16:11,517 right there with you. 439 00:16:11,517 --> 00:16:15,241 I'm gonna watch you and... 440 00:16:15,241 --> 00:16:18,379 let you fly, or whatever. 441 00:16:18,379 --> 00:16:24,413 I know that this residency is gonna be a good experi-- 442 00:16:24,413 --> 00:16:25,965 [ Gags ] Ew. 443 00:16:25,965 --> 00:16:27,310 [ Coughs ] 444 00:16:27,310 --> 00:16:29,551 Mm. Wow. Sorry.You all right? 445 00:16:29,551 --> 00:16:33,137 What I mean to say is that I know 446 00:16:33,137 --> 00:16:36,206 that this experience is necessary 447 00:16:36,206 --> 00:16:37,379 for your [gagging] growth. 448 00:16:37,379 --> 00:16:39,310 Ew. 449 00:16:39,310 --> 00:16:43,206 [ Coughing ] 450 00:16:43,206 --> 00:16:44,241 Okay. 451 00:16:44,241 --> 00:16:45,379 Sorry. Sorry. 452 00:16:45,379 --> 00:16:46,413 You all right? Okay. 453 00:16:48,344 --> 00:16:49,413 I'm really proud of you. 454 00:16:49,413 --> 00:16:52,241 [ Breathing deeply ] 455 00:16:52,241 --> 00:16:54,034 Thank you so much, dude. 456 00:16:54,034 --> 00:16:56,310 That means the world to me, really. 457 00:16:56,310 --> 00:16:58,482 Listen, Ilana, you're gonna become, 458 00:16:58,482 --> 00:17:01,103 like, this badass therapist who teaches people to grow 459 00:17:01,103 --> 00:17:03,103 the way you helped me grow. 460 00:17:03,103 --> 00:17:05,241 I mean, you're gonna teach them how to feel their feelings 461 00:17:05,241 --> 00:17:07,620 and how to do sex the right way. 462 00:17:07,620 --> 00:17:10,379 There's no right way.See? 463 00:17:10,379 --> 00:17:12,068 This is what I'm talking about. 464 00:17:12,068 --> 00:17:14,137 Can I ask one thing of you? 465 00:17:14,137 --> 00:17:16,793 Anything, dude. Whatever. 466 00:17:16,793 --> 00:17:19,793 I want more of your hair. 467 00:17:21,724 --> 00:17:23,724 I want a long-ass tail for sniffing. 468 00:17:23,724 --> 00:17:26,310 Uh... 469 00:17:26,310 --> 00:17:27,586 [ Scissors slice ] 470 00:17:29,034 --> 00:17:30,448 I-I shape my phone wigs 471 00:17:30,448 --> 00:17:32,586 when the train gets stuck between stations. 472 00:17:32,586 --> 00:17:34,517 Um, so... 473 00:17:34,517 --> 00:17:37,137 Okay. Sure. 474 00:17:37,137 --> 00:17:39,931 I-I-I would love to. 475 00:17:39,931 --> 00:17:41,448 Ab. 476 00:17:41,448 --> 00:17:43,689 I'm not talking about shavings. 477 00:17:43,689 --> 00:17:45,068 The root. 478 00:17:45,068 --> 00:17:48,275 You should feel metal on your scalp skin. 479 00:17:48,275 --> 00:17:49,896 Okay. 480 00:17:49,896 --> 00:17:51,413 [ Inhales sharply ][ Scissors snip ] 481 00:17:57,448 --> 00:17:59,000 Thank you. 482 00:18:01,034 --> 00:18:02,586 Okay. 483 00:18:02,586 --> 00:18:04,965 [ Sniffs ] 484 00:18:04,965 --> 00:18:07,344 [ Sighs ] 485 00:18:07,344 --> 00:18:10,965 Yeah, well, I mean, I don't know when the sun's gonna set, 486 00:18:10,965 --> 00:18:12,862 but maybe we can, like, walk a little bit down -- 487 00:18:12,862 --> 00:18:14,827 Okay. 488 00:18:14,827 --> 00:18:15,965 Talk soon. 489 00:18:15,965 --> 00:18:17,724 Okay, handshake. 490 00:18:21,862 --> 00:18:25,965 ♪♪ 491 00:18:25,965 --> 00:18:29,655 Yeah, so, you can move in straight up tomorrow. 492 00:18:29,655 --> 00:18:33,448 Yes! Amazing! Thank you! 493 00:18:33,448 --> 00:18:35,965 And I'm sorry about that backup-offer shit before. 494 00:18:35,965 --> 00:18:37,965 I promise I will be a normal roommate. 495 00:18:37,965 --> 00:18:40,551 Oh, I-I forgot to tell you one small thing -- 496 00:18:40,551 --> 00:18:45,206 Well, actually, two really big things. 497 00:18:45,206 --> 00:18:47,103 I have two Great Danes. 498 00:18:47,103 --> 00:18:48,931 Is that cool? 499 00:18:48,931 --> 00:18:50,862 Yeah. 500 00:18:50,862 --> 00:18:52,965 Yes! I'm so glad you love dogs. 501 00:18:52,965 --> 00:18:54,000 Later. 502 00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:55,379 [ Cellphone chirps ] 503 00:18:55,379 --> 00:18:58,379 Okay. 504 00:18:58,379 --> 00:19:00,931 [ Exhales deeply ] 505 00:19:00,931 --> 00:19:02,896 [ Vacuum cleaner whirs ] 506 00:19:02,896 --> 00:19:08,620 ♪ I felt anxious when I came, and things were never the same ♪ 507 00:19:08,620 --> 00:19:14,068 ♪ I felt anxious when I came, and things were never the same ♪ 508 00:19:14,068 --> 00:19:20,068 ♪ I felt anxious when I came, and things were never the same ♪ 509 00:19:20,068 --> 00:19:24,103 ♪ I felt anxious when I came ♪ 510 00:19:25,965 --> 00:19:29,241 Oh, my God. Lookit, they love you! 511 00:19:29,241 --> 00:19:30,862 Mm.[ Dogs barking ] 512 00:19:30,862 --> 00:19:33,103 Okay, Beyoncé, Jay-Z, let's go, come on, come on. 513 00:19:33,103 --> 00:19:34,448 Come with Mama. 514 00:19:34,448 --> 00:19:35,586 Come on, let's go. 515 00:19:35,586 --> 00:19:37,689 [ Cellphone vibrates ] 516 00:19:38,793 --> 00:19:40,931 Ugh. 517 00:19:40,931 --> 00:19:42,068 [ Cellphone beeping ] 518 00:19:42,068 --> 00:19:43,758 [ Breathes deeply ] What? 519 00:19:43,758 --> 00:19:45,758 Okay, um, Ilana, please don't hang up. 520 00:19:45,758 --> 00:19:47,620 I-I know you need space right now, 521 00:19:47,620 --> 00:19:49,103 and -- and I really want to respect that, 522 00:19:49,103 --> 00:19:51,931 but you have asked me this... 523 00:19:51,931 --> 00:19:55,862 hundreds of times, literally, since the moment I met you, 524 00:19:55,862 --> 00:19:59,689 and it looks like today is the day. 525 00:20:03,241 --> 00:20:05,068 I'm gonna show you my poop. 526 00:20:05,068 --> 00:20:06,551 [ Chuckles ] 527 00:20:06,551 --> 00:20:08,620 Oh, my God. 528 00:20:08,620 --> 00:20:10,068 This means so much to me. 529 00:20:10,068 --> 00:20:12,620 Okay. 530 00:20:12,620 --> 00:20:15,137 Here we go. 531 00:20:15,137 --> 00:20:16,241 [ Gasps ] 532 00:20:16,241 --> 00:20:19,344 [ Laughs crazily ] 533 00:20:19,344 --> 00:20:20,793 Fuck! 534 00:20:20,793 --> 00:20:23,275 Queen! You mustbe an Ashkenazi Jew 535 00:20:23,275 --> 00:20:25,862 'cause you are lactose in-toler-ant! 536 00:20:25,862 --> 00:20:27,413 Right? No way could that have been 537 00:20:27,413 --> 00:20:29,000 all in your stomach at one time! 538 00:20:29,000 --> 00:20:31,275 It was definitely exiting your esophagus 539 00:20:31,275 --> 00:20:33,103 as it was entering your small intestine. 540 00:20:33,103 --> 00:20:34,482 Whoo!I do feel lighter. 541 00:20:34,482 --> 00:20:36,931 Hoo! Thank you. Wow. 542 00:20:36,931 --> 00:20:39,862 [ Exhales deeply ] Ilana, I needed that to work, dude. 543 00:20:39,862 --> 00:20:42,310 I am so sorry, and I knew 544 00:20:42,310 --> 00:20:45,586 that showing you my poop would cheer you up. 545 00:20:45,586 --> 00:20:47,413 ♪ My poop ♪ 546 00:20:47,413 --> 00:20:49,827 ♪ My poop, my poop ♪ 547 00:20:49,827 --> 00:20:51,620 ♪ My [deep voice] poop ♪ 548 00:20:51,620 --> 00:20:53,172 You sound good.[ Normal voice ] Thanks. 549 00:20:53,172 --> 00:20:55,482 I-I did it a few times before I called you. 550 00:20:55,482 --> 00:20:58,241 You know, I-I guess this distance thing 551 00:20:58,241 --> 00:21:00,344 could make us closer in some ways. 552 00:21:00,344 --> 00:21:01,965 Thank you for saying that. 553 00:21:01,965 --> 00:21:04,137 Ab. 554 00:21:04,137 --> 00:21:05,620 Can I see it one more time? 555 00:21:05,620 --> 00:21:07,137 Okay, one more time. 556 00:21:07,137 --> 00:21:08,586 And then I really have to flush, 557 00:21:08,586 --> 00:21:10,827 'cause I, like, can't breathe in here anymore. 558 00:21:10,827 --> 00:21:12,965 [ Clears throat ]Oh, Jesus. 559 00:21:12,965 --> 00:21:14,379 [ Camera shutter clicks ] Dude, no! 560 00:21:14,379 --> 00:21:15,689 Ilana, no screenshots. 561 00:21:15,689 --> 00:21:17,482 Delete that. That's not fair. 562 00:21:17,482 --> 00:21:18,586 Yamaneika! Come here![ Dog barks ] 563 00:21:25,413 --> 00:21:28,103 Ilana, I need to talk to you about something. 564 00:21:28,103 --> 00:21:30,862 I got accepted into an artists' residency program 565 00:21:30,862 --> 00:21:35,172 in Boulder, Colorado. 566 00:21:35,172 --> 00:21:38,413 Ilana, say something! For crying out loud, dude! 567 00:21:38,413 --> 00:21:39,482 Talk to me!