1 00:00:06,172 --> 00:00:09,206 ♪ Happy 30-birdy ♪ 2 00:00:09,206 --> 00:00:11,000 ♪ Happy 30 -- ♪ 3 00:00:11,000 --> 00:00:13,724 Happy 30th birthday, Abbi. 4 00:00:13,724 --> 00:00:16,241 Okay, so, today, we are walking from -- 5 00:00:16,241 --> 00:00:18,758 Sorry, one second. Nose grease. 6 00:00:18,758 --> 00:00:21,034 This is gonna be the litty-est story ever. 7 00:00:21,034 --> 00:00:23,206 Happy 30th birthday, Abbi. 8 00:00:23,206 --> 00:00:25,758 Okay, so, today, we are walking from 9 00:00:25,758 --> 00:00:27,482 the tippity-top of Manhattan 10 00:00:27,482 --> 00:00:29,551 to the tippity-bottom of Manhattan. 11 00:00:31,517 --> 00:00:36,206 ♪♪ 12 00:00:36,206 --> 00:00:38,172 It's function, baby. It's fashion, baby. 13 00:00:38,172 --> 00:00:40,275 It's fluid, baby. 14 00:00:40,275 --> 00:00:42,655 I got to fill it up. There's nothing in there right now. 15 00:00:42,655 --> 00:00:45,413 Abbi: Oh, yeah, dude. I am so happy that you got these. 16 00:00:45,413 --> 00:00:47,896 Ilana: Phillip Lim on a Shopbop discount. 17 00:00:47,896 --> 00:00:50,482 $149 at 80% off, okay? 18 00:00:50,482 --> 00:00:52,344 And we're talking only half a size smaller 19 00:00:52,344 --> 00:00:55,862 than the size I actually wear, so work it, dawg! 20 00:00:55,862 --> 00:00:57,482 Hold on! Is that the key to my heart? 21 00:00:57,482 --> 00:00:59,000 Yeah, this is the key to your heart. 22 00:00:59,000 --> 00:01:01,241 -What's the other one? -The key to your ass! 23 00:01:01,241 --> 00:01:02,965 [ Laughs ] 24 00:01:07,241 --> 00:01:09,206 -How do you feel, Abbi? -I feel good. 25 00:01:09,206 --> 00:01:10,586 Bitch, how do you feel?! 26 00:01:10,586 --> 00:01:11,965 -I feel great! -Yes! 27 00:01:11,965 --> 00:01:14,000 Happy 30th birthday, dawg! 28 00:01:14,000 --> 00:01:17,137 Whoa, Ilana, are you sure those shoes are okay? 29 00:01:17,137 --> 00:01:19,586 Yes. [ Laughs ] Dude, I feel more comfortable 30 00:01:19,586 --> 00:01:21,275 in platforms than not. 31 00:01:26,241 --> 00:01:35,000 ♪♪ 32 00:01:35,000 --> 00:01:36,827 [ Bell chimes ]Woman: We're being held up here 33 00:01:36,827 --> 00:01:39,068 due to someone jumping on the tracks to get a photo. 34 00:01:39,068 --> 00:01:40,931 We'll be moving shortly. 35 00:01:40,931 --> 00:01:43,482 Oh, my good God. 36 00:01:43,482 --> 00:01:45,137 I can show you your present right now. 37 00:01:45,137 --> 00:01:47,103 -Ilana, I said no gifts. -Okay, but it happens 38 00:01:47,103 --> 00:01:49,620 to already be in your phone, so check your texts. 39 00:01:49,620 --> 00:01:51,724 What is it? 40 00:01:51,724 --> 00:01:54,275 Oh, my God! 41 00:01:54,275 --> 00:01:55,620 Ilana. 42 00:01:55,620 --> 00:01:57,172 What? 43 00:01:57,172 --> 00:01:59,241 [ Five for Fighting's "100 Years" playing ] 44 00:01:59,241 --> 00:02:06,275 ♪♪ 45 00:02:06,275 --> 00:02:13,206 ♪♪ 46 00:02:13,206 --> 00:02:17,034 ♪ I'm 15 for a moment ♪ 47 00:02:17,034 --> 00:02:18,689 Oh, my gosh! 48 00:02:18,689 --> 00:02:20,517 How long has this been going on? 49 00:02:20,517 --> 00:02:23,068 ♪ 22 for a moment ♪ 50 00:02:23,068 --> 00:02:26,034 ♪ And she feels better than ever ♪ 51 00:02:26,034 --> 00:02:29,551 ♪ And we're on fire ♪ 52 00:02:29,551 --> 00:02:35,275 ♪ Making our way back from Mars ♪ 53 00:02:35,275 --> 00:02:39,344 ♪ 15 there's still time for you ♪ 54 00:02:39,344 --> 00:02:43,344 ♪ Time to buy and time to lose ♪ 55 00:02:43,344 --> 00:02:49,310 ♪ 15, there's never a wish better than this ♪ 56 00:02:49,310 --> 00:02:51,862 [ Laughs ] 57 00:02:51,862 --> 00:02:55,655 Ilana, this is like...♪ 15 there's still time for you ♪ 58 00:02:55,655 --> 00:02:59,034 ♪ Time to buy and time to choose ♪ 59 00:02:59,034 --> 00:03:01,689 ♪ Hey 15 ♪ 60 00:03:01,689 --> 00:03:06,758 ♪ There's never a wish better than this ♪ 61 00:03:06,758 --> 00:03:12,689 ♪ When you only got a hundred years to live ♪ 62 00:03:12,689 --> 00:03:20,379 ♪♪ 63 00:03:20,379 --> 00:03:22,689 ♪ 4 and 3 and 2 and 1 ♪ 64 00:03:22,689 --> 00:03:27,068 ♪♪ 65 00:03:27,068 --> 00:03:29,103 Ilana: Yes, yes, yes, yes! 66 00:03:29,103 --> 00:03:32,448 ♪ Looks like we made it ♪ 67 00:03:32,448 --> 00:03:36,206 To Inwood! New York City, baby! 68 00:03:36,206 --> 00:03:39,517 Holy shit! There she is, the birthday girl herself! 69 00:03:39,517 --> 00:03:41,103 [ Siren chirping ] 70 00:03:41,103 --> 00:03:42,724 The pigs! [ Chuckles ] 71 00:03:42,724 --> 00:03:44,931 Okay, no, for real, pigs. 72 00:03:44,931 --> 00:03:47,034 Dude, stop it. 73 00:03:47,034 --> 00:03:48,275 Stop. 74 00:03:48,275 --> 00:03:50,103 Ilana: You're beautiful! 75 00:03:50,103 --> 00:03:53,344 ♪♪ 76 00:03:53,344 --> 00:03:56,206 ♪ Shake down, now shit's getting shook up, used -- ♪ 77 00:03:57,827 --> 00:03:59,241 She's speechless. 78 00:03:59,241 --> 00:04:02,103 Morris Jumel Mansion, baby. Beside herself. 79 00:04:02,103 --> 00:04:04,862 This has been here the whole time, sitting here! 80 00:04:08,793 --> 00:04:10,275 Yeah.[ Sizzle ] 81 00:04:10,275 --> 00:04:13,068 Ow. [ Chuckles ] 82 00:04:13,068 --> 00:04:14,310 Ilana: Come on! 83 00:04:14,310 --> 00:04:16,103 What? 84 00:04:16,103 --> 00:04:18,413 Oh, thank you. Uh, it's just this Onionarticle. 85 00:04:18,413 --> 00:04:19,965 It's just cracking me up, man. 86 00:04:19,965 --> 00:04:21,689 That's the Times. 87 00:04:24,241 --> 00:04:27,655 ♪♪ 88 00:04:27,655 --> 00:04:31,655 Wow. She's been practicing all season for this moment. 89 00:04:31,655 --> 00:04:34,103 ♪♪ 90 00:04:34,103 --> 00:04:36,137 Wow, since her recovery, I'm -- I'm shocked 91 00:04:36,137 --> 00:04:37,586 at the eleganza she's bringing. 92 00:04:37,586 --> 00:04:39,034 No parents. Her parents divorced her, 93 00:04:39,034 --> 00:04:41,275 gave her over to coaches. She and her coach 94 00:04:41,275 --> 00:04:43,413 have had a sexual relationship for many years. 95 00:04:43,413 --> 00:04:46,413 Let's see if she can nail the triple axel! 96 00:04:46,413 --> 00:04:47,931 Oh! And she nailed it! 97 00:04:55,448 --> 00:04:57,620 Hair braiding! 98 00:04:57,620 --> 00:05:00,103 Hair braiding! 99 00:05:00,103 --> 00:05:02,206 You want your hair braided? 100 00:05:02,206 --> 00:05:03,724 You want your hair braided? 101 00:05:03,724 --> 00:05:04,896 No. Ilana, no. 102 00:05:04,896 --> 00:05:06,172 Come on! She's black. 103 00:05:06,172 --> 00:05:07,758 -She's saying it. -Hair braiding! 104 00:05:07,758 --> 00:05:09,172 I just don't think that you should -- 105 00:05:09,172 --> 00:05:10,896 One braid. 106 00:05:16,068 --> 00:05:19,000 Thank you so much. 107 00:05:19,000 --> 00:05:22,172 Abbi: Beautiful. It's very long. 108 00:05:22,172 --> 00:05:23,379 You know what it is? 109 00:05:23,379 --> 00:05:25,724 A touch of cultural appropriation 110 00:05:25,724 --> 00:05:27,241 sheds light on the matter. 111 00:05:27,241 --> 00:05:30,068 Whoo! 112 00:05:30,068 --> 00:05:32,310 Yeah! 113 00:05:32,310 --> 00:05:35,206 ♪ Dirty 30, hoo! ♪ 114 00:05:35,206 --> 00:05:37,689 ♪ Dirty 30, hoo! ♪ 115 00:05:37,689 --> 00:05:40,068 ♪ Dirty 30, yow! ♪ 116 00:05:40,068 --> 00:05:42,517 30, huh? Do you feel different? 117 00:05:42,517 --> 00:05:44,827 You look younger, actually. 118 00:05:44,827 --> 00:05:46,172 Dude, I feel fine. 119 00:05:46,172 --> 00:05:48,034 -I don't know. Whatever. -No, no, no, no. 120 00:05:48,034 --> 00:05:49,724 You are a-mahz-ing, 121 00:05:49,724 --> 00:05:51,827 fully a-mahz-ing and "sahno" phenomenal. 122 00:05:51,827 --> 00:05:54,000 Come on. You have two really nice parents 123 00:05:54,000 --> 00:05:55,379 and a great apartment. 124 00:05:55,379 --> 00:05:58,482 Yeah, no, I -- [ Sighs ] I don't know. 125 00:05:58,482 --> 00:06:03,137 I guess I thought I'd be, like, married with kids by now. 126 00:06:03,137 --> 00:06:05,655 I guess it's good I have the job at Anthropologie. 127 00:06:05,655 --> 00:06:08,448 Yes! 'Cause, you know what? If you had kids, 128 00:06:08,448 --> 00:06:10,068 they'd leave you after 18 years, 129 00:06:10,068 --> 00:06:13,862 but Anthropologie, you might work there forever. 130 00:06:13,862 --> 00:06:15,413 I mean, I hope not. 131 00:06:15,413 --> 00:06:17,275 Me, too. You're not gonna work there forever, 132 00:06:17,275 --> 00:06:18,758 but you could if you wanted to 133 00:06:18,758 --> 00:06:20,724 'cause you're so good at your work, 134 00:06:20,724 --> 00:06:22,379 but you're surely gonna become a famous artist, 135 00:06:22,379 --> 00:06:23,724 so it's not even an issue. 136 00:06:23,724 --> 00:06:25,379 -Okay, let's just keep going. -Yeah. 137 00:06:26,896 --> 00:06:33,551 ♪♪ 138 00:06:33,551 --> 00:06:35,172 Damn! 139 00:06:35,172 --> 00:06:37,275 -Dude, stop filming. -I'm sorry, I have to report 140 00:06:37,275 --> 00:06:39,310 that Abbi just got clotheslined 141 00:06:39,310 --> 00:06:41,379 by a metal pole in the middle of the street. 142 00:06:41,379 --> 00:06:42,482 [ Crash ]Whoa! 143 00:06:42,482 --> 00:06:43,965 -Aah! -Ilana! Oh, my God! 144 00:06:43,965 --> 00:06:46,103 -Ilana! -Ow, damn it! 145 00:06:46,103 --> 00:06:47,413 Are you okay? 146 00:06:47,413 --> 00:06:50,896 Yeah, I just fully fell down a manhole. 147 00:06:50,896 --> 00:06:53,724 Wait, are you still filming? 148 00:06:53,724 --> 00:06:55,655 [ Samuel's "Boom Boom Boom" playing ] 149 00:06:55,655 --> 00:07:00,344 ♪ A girl on girl crumble ♪ 150 00:07:00,551 --> 00:07:02,965 [Bleep] dude! I'm, like, actually hurt! 151 00:07:02,965 --> 00:07:04,275 I don't think I can climb up the ladder 152 00:07:04,275 --> 00:07:06,275 and film at the same time. 153 00:07:06,275 --> 00:07:08,862 I know what to do! Okay! 154 00:07:08,862 --> 00:07:12,689 Ohh. Oh, God. Okay. 155 00:07:12,689 --> 00:07:14,620 [ Grunting ] 156 00:07:16,896 --> 00:07:23,551 ♪♪ 157 00:07:23,551 --> 00:07:25,448 Abbi: Dude, we got to go to a doctor. 158 00:07:25,448 --> 00:07:26,724 Ilana: I'm fine! 159 00:07:26,724 --> 00:07:28,896 Plus we gotta walk the rest of Manhattan! 160 00:07:28,896 --> 00:07:32,931 ♪♪ 161 00:07:35,586 --> 00:07:37,896 Okay, aisle 4. 162 00:07:37,896 --> 00:07:38,931 Hell yeah. 163 00:07:38,931 --> 00:07:40,172 Ilana. Shoot. 164 00:07:40,172 --> 00:07:41,551 -Ilana! -Whoo-hoo! 165 00:07:41,551 --> 00:07:42,931 Oh, my God. 166 00:07:42,931 --> 00:07:45,758 I miss school only for the supplies. 167 00:07:45,758 --> 00:07:47,931 Oof! Lisa Frank, bitch! 168 00:07:47,931 --> 00:07:50,241 Mogul, bitch! Empire, bitch! 169 00:07:50,241 --> 00:07:51,965 School supplies. 170 00:07:57,862 --> 00:07:59,413 These are good ones. 171 00:07:59,413 --> 00:08:02,310 These are good markers. 172 00:08:02,310 --> 00:08:09,965 ♪♪ 173 00:08:09,965 --> 00:08:11,000 Abbi: Killin' it. 174 00:08:11,000 --> 00:08:12,413 [ Clatter ] 175 00:08:12,413 --> 00:08:14,344 [ Boi-oi-oi-ng!] 176 00:08:14,344 --> 00:08:18,896 ♪ Happy birthday, dear Claire ♪ 177 00:08:18,896 --> 00:08:19,965 Brrring! 178 00:08:26,793 --> 00:08:28,103 [ Dice rattling ] 179 00:08:28,103 --> 00:08:29,344 [ Bells chiming ] 180 00:08:32,482 --> 00:08:34,517 Miss, um, how may I help you today? 181 00:08:34,517 --> 00:08:35,689 Ilana: I don't know, what do you go? 182 00:08:35,689 --> 00:08:37,517 Well, for your lovely feet, 183 00:08:37,517 --> 00:08:40,068 I'm thinking we should definitely get you 184 00:08:40,068 --> 00:08:41,827 in something a little more comfy. 185 00:08:41,827 --> 00:08:44,172 I think you need something definitely with arch support. 186 00:08:44,172 --> 00:08:45,517 Cushioning. 187 00:08:45,517 --> 00:08:47,172 Breathable. You got it. 188 00:08:47,172 --> 00:08:48,689 Hi. Thank you so much. 189 00:08:48,689 --> 00:08:52,068 ♪ When you give me those ocean eyes ♪ 190 00:08:52,068 --> 00:08:53,896 ♪♪ 191 00:08:53,896 --> 00:08:56,206 [ Camera shutters clicking ] 192 00:08:56,206 --> 00:08:58,241 I can't, like, lea-- You know how they're always like, "Lean," 193 00:08:58,241 --> 00:09:01,586 and then they lean? Aah. Yeah, I can't do it. 194 00:09:01,586 --> 00:09:03,241 [ Camera shutters clicking ] 195 00:09:03,241 --> 00:09:06,758 ♪♪ 196 00:09:06,758 --> 00:09:09,413 I'm like, "How many layers of irony can we go?" 197 00:09:09,413 --> 00:09:12,172 Skechers is selling ugly Skechers. 198 00:09:12,172 --> 00:09:15,068 Please. 199 00:09:15,068 --> 00:09:16,758 Abbi: All right, dude. What are we even doing? 200 00:09:16,758 --> 00:09:19,413 Are these comfortable or what? 201 00:09:19,413 --> 00:09:20,655 Yeah, no, they're good. 202 00:09:20,655 --> 00:09:22,034 They're good! 203 00:09:23,896 --> 00:09:24,965 Oh -- 204 00:09:24,965 --> 00:09:33,724 ♪♪ 205 00:09:33,724 --> 00:09:35,896 Ilana: Wowee, wowee, what a steal! 206 00:09:35,896 --> 00:09:37,068 I'm buying these for you. 207 00:09:37,068 --> 00:09:38,206 [ Gasps ] What? 208 00:09:38,206 --> 00:09:39,896 -No! -Happy my birthday! 209 00:09:39,896 --> 00:09:41,241 I couldn't le-- 210 00:09:41,241 --> 00:09:42,655 ♪♪ 211 00:09:42,655 --> 00:09:43,689 [ Ting! ] 212 00:09:43,689 --> 00:09:45,482 I'll take these, please. 213 00:09:45,482 --> 00:09:48,241 If you open up a Fresh Kicks credit card, 214 00:09:48,241 --> 00:09:50,206 these will be $9.99. 215 00:09:50,206 --> 00:09:52,034 Please do not film me. 216 00:09:52,034 --> 00:09:54,137 But adults do have more than one credit card. 217 00:09:54,137 --> 00:09:55,862 I should get the extra credit card. 218 00:09:55,862 --> 00:09:57,482 I should get it. It's not nuts 219 00:09:57,482 --> 00:10:00,655 for me to get another credit card. 220 00:10:00,655 --> 00:10:02,068 Okay. 221 00:10:02,068 --> 00:10:03,517 And I'll just do it. I'll just, like -- 222 00:10:03,517 --> 00:10:06,068 You'll pay it. Don't need to tell Dad -- 223 00:10:06,068 --> 00:10:07,517 tell Dad about it. 224 00:10:12,379 --> 00:10:14,551 Abbi: And then I'll get the funds from my bank account 225 00:10:14,551 --> 00:10:15,862 that'll be sent to you, somehow. 226 00:10:15,862 --> 00:10:17,137 Yeah. 227 00:10:17,137 --> 00:10:19,206 I have two credit cards. [ Chuckles ] 228 00:10:28,241 --> 00:10:31,586 [ Slowly ] Abbi Gary Anna Abrams. 229 00:10:31,586 --> 00:10:35,413 One of you [bleep] stole Abbi's credit card information, 230 00:10:35,413 --> 00:10:37,724 and I think I know the loser from high school that it is, 231 00:10:37,724 --> 00:10:42,482 and his name rhymes SchNicholas SchPaley, okay? 232 00:10:42,482 --> 00:10:44,758 Same thing did happen to Obama, though, so it's kind of hot. 233 00:10:44,758 --> 00:10:47,482 [ Girl singing indistinctly ]Ilana. Ilana! 234 00:10:55,655 --> 00:10:59,068 This how no one can go to a Disney Store. 235 00:10:59,068 --> 00:11:00,758 Is she close by? 236 00:11:00,758 --> 00:11:02,413 No. 237 00:11:02,413 --> 00:11:04,965 I don't know. 238 00:11:04,965 --> 00:11:07,862 Um --Okay, if any of my 213 followers 239 00:11:07,862 --> 00:11:09,793 is in the Midtown Mall, 240 00:11:09,793 --> 00:11:11,620 we just found a dope little girl, 241 00:11:11,620 --> 00:11:12,931 and her parents aren't here. 242 00:11:12,931 --> 00:11:14,655 But she's fine. She's with us, but -- 243 00:11:14,655 --> 00:11:16,655 -What's your name? -Ga da na! 244 00:11:16,655 --> 00:11:18,448 -[ Gasps ] Gadanna! -Gadanna! 245 00:11:18,448 --> 00:11:20,379 That is gorgeous! 246 00:11:20,379 --> 00:11:22,482 Madonna, Rihanna, Ilana, Gadanna! 247 00:11:22,482 --> 00:11:24,310 Whoa. Dude, that's good. 248 00:11:24,310 --> 00:11:28,413 ♪♪ 249 00:11:28,413 --> 00:11:30,275 ♪ Okay ♪In the corner. 250 00:11:30,275 --> 00:11:33,413 Mommy, can I go explore over there? 251 00:11:39,724 --> 00:11:41,137 Hold on one sec, all right? 252 00:11:41,137 --> 00:11:43,137 ♪♪ 253 00:11:43,137 --> 00:11:45,827 So, we're going to Security, 254 00:11:45,827 --> 00:11:47,620 but we're riding the escalator, 255 00:11:47,620 --> 00:11:51,379 which is more fun, and it gives us more time with Gadanna! 256 00:11:51,379 --> 00:11:53,931 -Totally, dude. -No, I mean, it's insane. 257 00:11:53,931 --> 00:11:55,724 Like -- 258 00:11:55,724 --> 00:11:57,241 What, she's 2? 259 00:11:57,241 --> 00:11:58,551 I'm 30. 260 00:11:58,551 --> 00:12:02,310 I mean, I could literally be her mom. 261 00:12:02,310 --> 00:12:04,034 I mean, if I was just walking around this -- 262 00:12:04,034 --> 00:12:05,965 you know, the mall -- by myself, 263 00:12:05,965 --> 00:12:07,724 and people saw me shopping with her, 264 00:12:07,724 --> 00:12:09,517 they'd be like, "That's a mom and her kid." 265 00:12:09,517 --> 00:12:10,620 You're crazy! 266 00:12:10,620 --> 00:12:11,896 Me?! 267 00:12:11,896 --> 00:12:13,689 -I'm crazy now? -You're crazy! 268 00:12:13,689 --> 00:12:15,275 -No! -She nut. 269 00:12:15,275 --> 00:12:18,275 Mommy! Mommy. Mom-- 270 00:12:19,586 --> 00:12:22,689 [ Laughing ] 271 00:12:22,689 --> 00:12:25,827 Oh, Gadanna, you have taught us so much. 272 00:12:25,827 --> 00:12:27,689 Yeah, we're really gonna miss you. 273 00:12:27,689 --> 00:12:29,379 Okay, maybe we could just do, like, a double-cheek kiss. 274 00:12:29,379 --> 00:12:31,551 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Double-cheek kiss. Ready? 275 00:12:31,551 --> 00:12:32,586 -Mwah! -Mwah! 276 00:12:32,586 --> 00:12:34,068 Cheese: Excuse me! 277 00:12:34,068 --> 00:12:36,965 What the [bleep] are you doing with my child? 278 00:12:36,965 --> 00:12:39,275 -Mommy? -Abbi? 279 00:12:39,275 --> 00:12:40,517 College Abbi. 280 00:12:40,517 --> 00:12:47,551 ♪♪ 281 00:12:47,551 --> 00:12:48,689 Did you take Bella? 282 00:12:48,689 --> 00:12:50,137 No, we didn't take her. 283 00:12:50,137 --> 00:12:51,896 She was clearly stranded. 284 00:12:51,896 --> 00:12:53,896 You should keep better track of your kids. 285 00:12:53,896 --> 00:12:56,655 Oh, grow up, Abbi. We're 30. 286 00:12:56,655 --> 00:12:58,793 Why the [bleep] are you filming her? 287 00:12:58,793 --> 00:13:04,172 [ Slow-motion ] Why the [bleep] are you filming her? 288 00:13:04,172 --> 00:13:07,000 Ilana: [Bleep] bitch! 289 00:13:07,000 --> 00:13:08,931 [Bleep] bitch. 290 00:13:10,655 --> 00:13:15,068 ♪♪ 291 00:13:15,068 --> 00:13:16,655 -Go! -No! 292 00:13:16,655 --> 00:13:18,862 Go, go, go! 293 00:13:18,862 --> 00:13:20,689 No, dude! You out? 294 00:13:20,689 --> 00:13:21,724 -Yes! -You can't! 295 00:13:21,724 --> 00:13:23,344 Oh! You can't leave! 296 00:13:23,344 --> 00:13:25,000 [ Cackles ] 297 00:13:26,482 --> 00:13:29,275 So, we just downloaded that story for evidence, 298 00:13:29,275 --> 00:13:31,517 but now, um, the rest of Manhattan! 299 00:13:31,517 --> 00:13:33,724 Whoop, whoo-oop!No, I mean, what a [bleep] bitch. 300 00:13:33,724 --> 00:13:36,206 Like, what a mess. Like, we are so not pedophiles, dude. 301 00:13:36,206 --> 00:13:38,689 -No! -I mean, and her name is Cheese? 302 00:13:38,689 --> 00:13:40,103 -Come on. -But it's not really Cheese. 303 00:13:40,103 --> 00:13:41,655 No, whatever her name is! 304 00:13:41,655 --> 00:13:43,275 Listen, all this girl wanted to do in college 305 00:13:43,275 --> 00:13:45,724 was, like, ecstasy and take group showers -- 306 00:13:45,724 --> 00:13:48,068 ones that I never even wanted to be a part of, by the way. 307 00:13:48,068 --> 00:13:50,068 Even if she would have asked me, I would have never done it. 308 00:13:50,068 --> 00:13:51,551 Ilana: Yeah.And now she has a bunch of [bleep] kids, 309 00:13:51,551 --> 00:13:52,827 and she thinks she's [bleep] better than me? 310 00:13:52,827 --> 00:13:54,275 No!She thinks she's better than me? 311 00:13:54,275 --> 00:13:55,551 -No! -Bullshit! 312 00:13:55,551 --> 00:13:59,000 [ Hard rock music playing ] 313 00:14:01,620 --> 00:14:04,172 We're coming to ya, men! 314 00:14:04,172 --> 00:14:06,310 Whoo! Ma men! 315 00:14:06,310 --> 00:14:08,655 Oww! 316 00:14:08,655 --> 00:14:09,965 -Whoo! -Hey. 317 00:14:09,965 --> 00:14:12,275 -Happy birthday. -Thank you so much. 318 00:14:12,275 --> 00:14:14,206 -Thank you. -Hey, happy birthday. 319 00:14:14,206 --> 00:14:15,724 -Hey. -Hi. 320 00:14:15,724 --> 00:14:18,655 -Ilana, what happened? -Oh, God. Okay, so -- 321 00:14:18,655 --> 00:14:25,068 ♪ Amazing grace ♪ 322 00:14:25,068 --> 00:14:31,724 ♪ How sweet the sound ♪ 323 00:14:31,724 --> 00:14:37,517 ♪ That saved a wretch ♪ 324 00:14:37,517 --> 00:14:40,000 [ Piano music playing on speakers ] 325 00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:42,344 -What is this? -Hey! 326 00:14:42,344 --> 00:14:45,586 [ Laughter ] 327 00:14:45,586 --> 00:14:47,379 Ah, what's up, Bubbie? 328 00:14:47,379 --> 00:14:49,068 Yo, yo, yo, yo. 329 00:14:51,551 --> 00:14:53,517 Okay, let's do this quick before she gets back. 330 00:14:53,517 --> 00:14:56,931 ♪♪ 331 00:14:56,931 --> 00:14:58,689 Happy birthday, Abbies! I hope you have 332 00:14:58,689 --> 00:15:01,034 the most amazing one. I love you so much. 333 00:15:01,034 --> 00:15:03,517 I hope the 30s are everything you expect them to be. 334 00:15:03,517 --> 00:15:07,482 And I'm really happy it's happening to you before me. 335 00:15:07,482 --> 00:15:09,517 You are olderthan me. That's why I say this. 336 00:15:09,517 --> 00:15:11,827 God, dude, I remember my 30s. 337 00:15:11,827 --> 00:15:13,689 All I had was a beeper -- a frickin' beeper. 338 00:15:13,689 --> 00:15:15,413 Nobody had freakin' cellphones, 339 00:15:15,413 --> 00:15:17,482 every two minutes checking your phone. 340 00:15:17,482 --> 00:15:18,655 I'm so happy I didn't grow up -- 341 00:15:18,655 --> 00:15:20,551 Cheers, Abbi. 342 00:15:20,551 --> 00:15:21,620 Happy birthday. 343 00:15:21,620 --> 00:15:23,517 I'm so excited to celebrate 344 00:15:23,517 --> 00:15:25,517 this momentous occasion with you. 345 00:15:25,517 --> 00:15:27,517 I feel like this is your year, 346 00:15:27,517 --> 00:15:29,310 so you need to do something with it. 347 00:15:30,448 --> 00:15:36,448 ♪♪ 348 00:15:36,448 --> 00:15:39,000 If I know my baby's poop schedule, 349 00:15:39,000 --> 00:15:41,448 she is just about finished. 350 00:15:41,448 --> 00:15:43,862 Look at these. How cute is this? 351 00:15:43,862 --> 00:15:46,172 [ Saxophone music playing on speakers ] 352 00:15:46,172 --> 00:15:47,517 Okay, here we go. 353 00:15:59,482 --> 00:16:02,310 Thank you guys so much for all the sweet messages. 354 00:16:02,310 --> 00:16:04,586 -Yay! -Yay! 355 00:16:04,586 --> 00:16:07,586 I also saw the new butt video. 356 00:16:07,586 --> 00:16:10,413 Okay, the lady doth not protest, though, so... 357 00:16:10,413 --> 00:16:12,827 They're good -- They're good pants for the -- for the butt. 358 00:16:12,827 --> 00:16:13,931 Really good. 359 00:16:16,965 --> 00:16:19,758 ♪♪ 360 00:16:19,758 --> 00:16:20,965 It's crazy we never walked across 361 00:16:20,965 --> 00:16:22,379 the Brooklyn Bridge together. 362 00:16:22,379 --> 00:16:23,482 One day... 363 00:16:23,482 --> 00:16:24,862 Man: Look at it. 364 00:16:28,689 --> 00:16:30,310 [ Foghorn blows ] 365 00:16:30,310 --> 00:16:33,862 Dude! This is where the Titanicdocked. 366 00:16:33,862 --> 00:16:37,000 Are you joking? 367 00:16:37,000 --> 00:16:39,000 I wasn't. I get -- I see now. 368 00:16:39,000 --> 00:16:40,310 I mean, I just -- I saw the movie. 369 00:16:40,310 --> 00:16:42,206 I just didn't remember. [ Chuckles ] 370 00:16:42,206 --> 00:16:44,310 [ Laughing ] This is hard. 371 00:16:44,310 --> 00:16:46,551 Oh, I love you! 372 00:16:46,551 --> 00:16:48,896 Holy shit. [ Clears throat ] 373 00:16:48,896 --> 00:16:50,517 Whoa! Whoa! Whoa![ Thumping ] 374 00:16:50,517 --> 00:16:53,724 [ Splash ] 375 00:16:53,724 --> 00:16:55,655 No! 376 00:16:55,655 --> 00:16:58,344 Oh, my God! This sucks! 377 00:16:58,344 --> 00:17:00,413 What are we gonna do? We can't stop now! 378 00:17:00,413 --> 00:17:02,137 -Use my phone. -Oh, yeah. 379 00:17:02,137 --> 00:17:05,137 Whew. 380 00:17:05,137 --> 00:17:07,827 ♪ Bet I'm gon kill it ♪ 381 00:17:07,827 --> 00:17:09,689 ♪ Sittin' on a sceptre, bet I'm gon kill it ♪ 382 00:17:09,689 --> 00:17:12,862 A little left, yeah. 383 00:17:12,862 --> 00:17:14,793 Lower. Yeah. 384 00:17:17,068 --> 00:17:19,206 Suck it, suck it, suck it, suck it. 385 00:17:19,206 --> 00:17:20,793 [Bleep] you! 386 00:17:20,793 --> 00:17:24,379 Everybody's laughing at you, you [bleep] clown! 387 00:17:24,379 --> 00:17:25,896 [ Electricity buzzing ] 388 00:17:25,896 --> 00:17:29,034 [ Thunder crashing ] 389 00:17:33,275 --> 00:17:36,137 ♪ Go down, go down, go down ♪ 390 00:17:36,137 --> 00:17:38,931 ♪ Yeah, let me see you go to town, yeah ♪ 391 00:17:38,931 --> 00:17:41,793 ♪ Go down, go down, go down ♪ 392 00:17:41,793 --> 00:17:46,413 ♪ Yeah, yeah, if you're down, boy, really down ♪ 393 00:17:46,413 --> 00:17:48,448 ♪ Baby, let me watch you go to town ♪ 394 00:17:48,448 --> 00:17:50,724 ♪ It's your one chance, baby, never or ♪ 395 00:17:50,724 --> 00:17:52,137 We did it! 396 00:17:52,137 --> 00:17:53,655 -We did it! -We walked all of Manhattan, 397 00:17:53,655 --> 00:17:55,931 Whoo!from the tippity-top to the tippity-bottom. 398 00:17:55,931 --> 00:17:58,034 Okay, Abbi, so, what's one thing you did last year 399 00:17:58,034 --> 00:17:59,310 that you're proud of?[ Whooshing ] 400 00:17:59,310 --> 00:18:01,551 -[ Gasps ] -What the [bleep] dude? 401 00:18:01,551 --> 00:18:03,172 -Holy shit! -Are you kidding me? 402 00:18:03,172 --> 00:18:06,379 If you think that I am "cuckoo caca insahno," 403 00:18:06,379 --> 00:18:08,655 then say it to my face. 404 00:18:08,655 --> 00:18:10,689 You're cuckoo caca insahno. 405 00:18:10,689 --> 00:18:13,000 Wait a second. Did you [bleep] follow us down here? 406 00:18:13,000 --> 00:18:14,206 -Yes. -How? 407 00:18:14,206 --> 00:18:15,827 You posted your location tags. 408 00:18:15,827 --> 00:18:16,931 -Dur. Dur, dur. -Right. 409 00:18:16,931 --> 00:18:17,965 Running around the city 410 00:18:17,965 --> 00:18:19,655 with your little foibles 411 00:18:19,655 --> 00:18:21,000 and your little mishaps 412 00:18:21,000 --> 00:18:22,689 and your little shenanigans. 413 00:18:22,689 --> 00:18:24,379 Get over yourself! 414 00:18:24,379 --> 00:18:26,862 -Oh, I'm over myself. -She hates herself. 415 00:18:26,862 --> 00:18:28,896 You're the one with the perfect [bleep] life. 416 00:18:28,896 --> 00:18:31,551 You're always posting photos of yourself on vacation, 417 00:18:31,551 --> 00:18:33,034 -on beaches and stuff. -You're rich. 418 00:18:33,034 --> 00:18:35,310 And you're always at cupcake and pizza parties! 419 00:18:35,310 --> 00:18:38,551 I never get to eat that stuff, especially not in party format! 420 00:18:38,551 --> 00:18:42,172 And excuse me -- four children and look like this? 421 00:18:42,172 --> 00:18:43,551 -You look unbelievable. -Yeah. 422 00:18:43,551 --> 00:18:45,931 You are literally woman magic. 423 00:18:45,931 --> 00:18:47,655 So [bleep] you. 424 00:18:50,379 --> 00:18:51,689 Thank you. 425 00:18:51,689 --> 00:18:53,103 But...no! 426 00:18:53,103 --> 00:18:54,620 No, I -- 427 00:18:54,620 --> 00:18:56,172 I'm struggling. 428 00:18:56,172 --> 00:18:58,172 My tits are down to my knees. 429 00:18:58,172 --> 00:19:01,241 I sleep like 90 minutes a night. 430 00:19:01,241 --> 00:19:02,931 I am floundering! 431 00:19:02,931 --> 00:19:05,551 [ High-pitched sobbing ] 432 00:19:05,551 --> 00:19:08,620 Okay, okay, okay. Uh, you're Cheese! 433 00:19:08,620 --> 00:19:10,758 You'll always be Cheese to me! 434 00:19:10,758 --> 00:19:13,275 And me, 'cause I don't know your government name. 435 00:19:13,275 --> 00:19:14,448 It's Lindsey. 436 00:19:14,448 --> 00:19:15,931 -Lindsey. -Oh, my God. Right. 437 00:19:15,931 --> 00:19:17,448 Thank you, you guys. 438 00:19:17,448 --> 00:19:18,896 Aww! Aww! 439 00:19:18,896 --> 00:19:21,206 God, social media is terrible. 440 00:19:21,206 --> 00:19:22,931 [ Children crying, screaming ] 441 00:19:22,931 --> 00:19:25,034 Oh [bleep] I got to go. 442 00:19:25,034 --> 00:19:26,206 I wish I could hang out, guys. 443 00:19:26,206 --> 00:19:27,344 -Yeah, us, too. -I'm sorry. 444 00:19:27,344 --> 00:19:28,689 -Yeah. -But next time. 445 00:19:28,689 --> 00:19:29,931 [ Child yells indistinctly ]Jackson, 446 00:19:29,931 --> 00:19:33,034 get back in the [bleep] car! 447 00:19:33,034 --> 00:19:35,000 That sucks. To be her. 448 00:19:35,000 --> 00:19:36,275 -Jackson! -Or Jackson. 449 00:19:36,275 --> 00:19:39,034 Okay, let's just see the damage. 450 00:19:39,034 --> 00:19:40,413 -Dude! God. -Oh. You know what? 451 00:19:40,413 --> 00:19:42,793 It was already on its way, but -- 452 00:19:42,793 --> 00:19:45,517 No, it's, um -- Okay, it's not that bad. 453 00:19:45,517 --> 00:19:48,068 -Look at your finger! -[ Whistles, chuckles ] 454 00:19:48,068 --> 00:19:49,896 It's fine. 455 00:19:49,896 --> 00:19:52,000 I have to get a new phone now. 456 00:19:52,000 --> 00:19:54,655 Just -- 457 00:19:54,655 --> 00:19:56,931 [ Foghorn blows ] 458 00:19:56,931 --> 00:19:59,724 It's stunning. It's gorgeous. 459 00:19:59,724 --> 00:20:02,103 -Jesus! -Dude, we don't have a phone. 460 00:20:02,103 --> 00:20:03,724 We don't -- We can't record this! 461 00:20:03,724 --> 00:20:06,586 No one's gonna believe that we even saw this! 462 00:20:06,586 --> 00:20:08,241 I mean... 463 00:20:08,241 --> 00:20:10,586 I guess we could just experience it. 464 00:20:10,586 --> 00:20:12,034 Ew. 465 00:20:20,620 --> 00:20:23,448 That's cuckoo caca insahno, but the good kind. 466 00:20:23,448 --> 00:20:25,758 -There's a good kind? -Oh, yeah. 467 00:20:28,793 --> 00:20:31,344 Look at this. Can you believe her? 468 00:20:31,344 --> 00:20:33,172 -Looks pretty perfect. -You know what, dude? 469 00:20:33,172 --> 00:20:36,172 I think I need to get off social media. 470 00:20:36,172 --> 00:20:37,655 It's over between us. 471 00:20:37,655 --> 00:20:39,068 Okay. Okay. 472 00:20:39,068 --> 00:20:41,310 Dude, me, too. Me, too, dude, 473 00:20:41,310 --> 00:20:45,517 because I don't really remember any of the day. 474 00:20:45,517 --> 00:20:48,448 Yeah, I mean... 475 00:20:48,448 --> 00:20:50,241 Shit. It feels like 476 00:20:50,241 --> 00:20:52,448 because we were filming it, 477 00:20:52,448 --> 00:20:55,655 it's not even our story anymore. 478 00:20:55,655 --> 00:20:57,793 It's like Stories' stories. 479 00:20:57,793 --> 00:20:59,413 Yes. 480 00:20:59,413 --> 00:21:01,517 [ Sirens wailing in distance ] 481 00:21:10,413 --> 00:21:13,793 I want -- I want it to sort of be, like, um, pirate-y? 482 00:21:13,793 --> 00:21:15,655 Abbi: Show me that. Toward your -- 483 00:21:15,655 --> 00:21:17,275 Put your face toward me. 484 00:21:17,275 --> 00:21:18,551 Wide eye. 485 00:21:18,551 --> 00:21:21,137 A little smile, in the eye only. 486 00:21:21,137 --> 00:21:23,551 Not in the mouth, in the eye. 487 00:21:23,551 --> 00:21:24,620 [ Laughs ]