1 00:00:09,410 --> 00:00:11,679 All right, he's a 6. 2 00:00:11,779 --> 00:00:14,548 Oh, totally a 6. Yum! 3 00:00:14,648 --> 00:00:16,217 (Abbi) Oh, he's a 7. 4 00:00:16,317 --> 00:00:18,452 No way! 5 1/2, tops. 5 00:00:18,552 --> 00:00:21,189 Ouch! Okay, that's harsh, right? 6 00:00:21,289 --> 00:00:23,357 No, that's what I like about it. 7 00:00:23,457 --> 00:00:25,293 Okay. 8 00:00:25,393 --> 00:00:27,561 He's a 10. I mean, look at him. 9 00:00:27,661 --> 00:00:29,897 Eww, dude, a 10?! 10 00:00:29,997 --> 00:00:31,532 Like, get away! 11 00:00:31,632 --> 00:00:33,567 I can't believe you're into that. 12 00:00:33,667 --> 00:00:35,736 I hope he's, like, seven inches max. 13 00:00:35,836 --> 00:00:37,671 Inches? I thought we were rating them on hotness. 14 00:00:37,771 --> 00:00:39,039 I thought we were rating them on dick size. 15 00:00:39,140 --> 00:00:41,041 Why would we be rating them on dick size? 16 00:00:41,142 --> 00:00:43,577 Abbi, why wouldn't we be rating them on dick size? 17 00:00:43,677 --> 00:00:45,846 It's all I can see. 18 00:00:45,946 --> 00:00:47,748 Those b-ball shorts are God's gift. 19 00:00:47,848 --> 00:00:50,584 (rock guitar plays) 20 00:00:50,684 --> 00:00:53,487 If you train your eyes, you can see their religion. 21 00:00:55,189 --> 00:00:58,692 ** 22 00:01:02,563 --> 00:01:04,332 * Break the cork and bring the funk * 23 00:01:05,766 --> 00:01:08,035 * Come on, boy, break the cork and bring the funk * 24 00:01:10,138 --> 00:01:11,139 Hey, ladies, 25 00:01:11,172 --> 00:01:11,972 your staring is making some of the guys 26 00:01:13,006 --> 00:01:14,142 feel uncomfortable. 27 00:01:19,913 --> 00:01:21,582 (both) Seven. 28 00:01:21,682 --> 00:01:24,152 * Four and three and two and one * 29 00:01:28,689 --> 00:01:31,192 (classical music playing) 30 00:01:31,292 --> 00:01:33,026 Ohh. 31 00:01:33,161 --> 00:01:34,795 Damn-a! 32 00:01:34,895 --> 00:01:37,431 I've never been to a restaurant this nice. 33 00:01:39,400 --> 00:01:43,003 I've never even worked at a restaurant this nice. 34 00:01:43,171 --> 00:01:45,973 I read their molten lava cake is "life-changing." 35 00:01:46,073 --> 00:01:47,675 (sighs) Perfect for your birthday. 36 00:01:47,775 --> 00:01:49,510 Oprah says that your birthday dictates 37 00:01:49,610 --> 00:01:51,279 the kind of year you're about to have. 38 00:01:51,379 --> 00:01:54,382 I haven't eaten a thing in the past 36 hours 39 00:01:54,482 --> 00:01:57,285 in order to be able to, like, really stuff myself 40 00:01:57,385 --> 00:01:59,687 with as much expensive food as possible. 41 00:01:59,787 --> 00:02:02,190 It's gonna raise my market value, like, so much. 42 00:02:02,290 --> 00:02:04,892 I'm gonna have a high high-end year. 43 00:02:04,992 --> 00:02:07,060 I've been overeating this week 44 00:02:07,195 --> 00:02:08,962 and then emptying myself with laxatives. 45 00:02:09,062 --> 00:02:10,598 It's been working really well. 46 00:02:10,698 --> 00:02:11,632 Too well. 47 00:02:11,732 --> 00:02:12,966 My underwear is filled-- 48 00:02:13,066 --> 00:02:14,602 Good evening, mademoiselles. 49 00:02:14,702 --> 00:02:17,104 Hi. Enchanté, uh, monsieur. 50 00:02:17,205 --> 00:02:20,040 My dad-- my father figure 51 00:02:20,208 --> 00:02:23,544 has made a reservation under Abbi Abrams for two. 52 00:02:23,644 --> 00:02:26,314 I believe his payment card should be on file. 53 00:02:26,414 --> 00:02:29,250 We are on celebration... 54 00:02:29,350 --> 00:02:30,784 for my birthday. 55 00:02:30,884 --> 00:02:32,786 Oh, how wonderful. 56 00:02:32,886 --> 00:02:34,222 May I take your coats? 57 00:02:34,322 --> 00:02:36,957 Please... do. 58 00:02:37,057 --> 00:02:39,293 (sighs) Here you go. 59 00:02:39,393 --> 00:02:42,263 Would you care to keep your jacket, Madame? 60 00:02:42,363 --> 00:02:44,232 It looks like you may be cold. 61 00:02:44,332 --> 00:02:45,399 I'm perfect. 62 00:02:45,499 --> 00:02:46,734 Loving the temp. 63 00:02:48,436 --> 00:02:49,603 You look amazing. You look amazing. 64 00:02:49,703 --> 00:02:50,604 Stop it. Give me a spin. 65 00:02:50,704 --> 00:02:52,072 I feel amazing. Give me a spin. 66 00:02:52,240 --> 00:02:53,974 Oof! Oof! Love it. 67 00:02:54,074 --> 00:02:57,345 So, uh, I know that B-Z, Beyoncé and Jay-Z, 68 00:02:57,445 --> 00:02:59,046 ate here recently, 69 00:02:59,146 --> 00:03:00,748 and, um, we would really love 70 00:03:00,848 --> 00:03:02,383 to be seated at their table. 71 00:03:02,483 --> 00:03:03,751 Of course you would. 72 00:03:05,819 --> 00:03:07,621 I like him. Yeah. 73 00:03:08,856 --> 00:03:10,758 So, where did, um, Beyoncé sit 74 00:03:10,858 --> 00:03:13,160 and where did Jay sit exactly? 75 00:03:13,261 --> 00:03:16,897 Uh, yes, Ms. Knowles sat here 76 00:03:16,997 --> 00:03:18,899 and Mr. Carter sat here. 77 00:03:18,999 --> 00:03:21,168 Do you freak out when celebrities come in here? 78 00:03:21,269 --> 00:03:23,571 Yes. That's why I love my job. 79 00:03:23,671 --> 00:03:25,273 Enjoy your meals. Thank you. 80 00:03:27,174 --> 00:03:30,278 Oh, wait! Are-- Are you Beyoncé or Jay-Z? 81 00:03:30,378 --> 00:03:31,812 Part of me feels like I would be Jay-Z, 82 00:03:31,912 --> 00:03:32,813 but then I know that you would maybe 83 00:03:33,814 --> 00:03:34,515 want to be a dude. 84 00:03:34,615 --> 00:03:35,716 You're right. 85 00:03:35,816 --> 00:03:38,286 And Beyoncé and I do have similar curves. 86 00:03:38,386 --> 00:03:39,687 Oh, yes. You're B, I'm Jay. 87 00:03:39,787 --> 00:03:41,322 I'm Jay. 88 00:03:42,556 --> 00:03:43,924 Hello. My name is John. 89 00:03:44,024 --> 00:03:44,858 I'll be your server tonight. 90 00:03:44,958 --> 00:03:46,093 Hi, John. Hi, John. 91 00:03:46,193 --> 00:03:48,028 I understand you lovely ladies will be having 92 00:03:48,128 --> 00:03:50,864 the seafood prix fixe dinner this evening. 93 00:03:50,964 --> 00:03:52,300 Excellent. Before we get started, 94 00:03:52,366 --> 00:03:54,368 are there any food allergies you'd like me to know about? 95 00:03:54,468 --> 00:03:56,904 Yeah, peanut allergies are a really big deal. 96 00:03:57,004 --> 00:03:58,306 You gotta be careful, they can be so fatal. 97 00:03:58,406 --> 00:04:01,309 Gluten, which I think is like an adult human thing 98 00:04:01,375 --> 00:04:03,010 across the board-- No. (chuckles) 99 00:04:03,110 --> 00:04:05,045 I actually meant if you have any food allergies 100 00:04:05,145 --> 00:04:06,314 you'd like me to know about. 101 00:04:06,414 --> 00:04:08,816 (both chuckling) 102 00:04:08,916 --> 00:04:12,320 No, none that I, uh, want to share with you. 103 00:04:12,420 --> 00:04:14,888 Well, allow me to tell you about our first course. 104 00:04:14,988 --> 00:04:16,857 It is a local puréed chard 105 00:04:16,957 --> 00:04:18,526 that is topped with poached crab 106 00:04:18,626 --> 00:04:21,161 and then splashed with a really yummy ramp dressing. 107 00:04:21,329 --> 00:04:22,630 I love yummy ramps. 108 00:04:22,730 --> 00:04:24,398 Oh, I love, um, chards. 109 00:04:24,498 --> 00:04:25,566 We like to say here that ramp 110 00:04:25,666 --> 00:04:28,001 is the truffle of onions. 111 00:04:28,101 --> 00:04:29,837 (chuckles) It's a dumb little joke. 112 00:04:29,937 --> 00:04:32,005 (together) We like to say that, too. 113 00:04:32,105 --> 00:04:33,173 (chuckles) That's funny. 114 00:04:33,341 --> 00:04:34,808 Now have you guys been to Octavia before? 115 00:04:34,908 --> 00:04:36,844 No, we are poppin' our cherry. 116 00:04:36,944 --> 00:04:38,078 Wow. (chuckles) 117 00:04:38,178 --> 00:04:39,547 Well, you just let me do the driving. 118 00:04:39,647 --> 00:04:41,114 I'm gonna take excellent care 119 00:04:41,214 --> 00:04:41,915 of you guys tonight. 120 00:04:42,015 --> 00:04:43,817 Okay. Once again... 121 00:04:43,917 --> 00:04:46,354 je m'appelle John, and bonne anniversaire. 122 00:04:46,454 --> 00:04:48,522 Oh, thank you. 123 00:04:48,622 --> 00:04:49,523 Wow. 124 00:04:49,623 --> 00:04:51,592 He's tall and he's bilingual? 125 00:04:51,692 --> 00:04:53,661 I'm short and I can't speak English good. 126 00:04:53,761 --> 00:04:55,095 He probably has a French press 127 00:04:55,195 --> 00:04:56,997 and one of those things that in the bathroom 128 00:04:57,097 --> 00:04:58,165 you clean your butthole with. 129 00:04:58,265 --> 00:04:59,900 Oh, a bidet. A bidet. 130 00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:01,469 (sighs) He's so classy. 131 00:05:01,569 --> 00:05:02,603 Totally. 132 00:05:02,703 --> 00:05:04,372 You're bad-mouthing me to Anton now? 133 00:05:04,405 --> 00:05:05,873 You cannot find one minute 134 00:05:05,973 --> 00:05:07,408 to go pick my sister up at the airport? 135 00:05:07,508 --> 00:05:08,809 Tell her fat ass to flag down a cab 136 00:05:08,909 --> 00:05:10,143 like a person. 137 00:05:10,243 --> 00:05:11,178 My sister is an ex-junkie, John, okay? 138 00:05:11,278 --> 00:05:12,580 She needs someone to pick her up, 139 00:05:12,680 --> 00:05:14,782 she can't be unsupervised. Jesus Christ, she's a grown woman. 140 00:05:14,882 --> 00:05:16,917 She can't be babysat her whole life, Cheryl. 141 00:05:17,017 --> 00:05:18,386 Well, thank you so much for the support. 142 00:05:18,419 --> 00:05:19,487 Support? Tell her to give back the laptop she stole. 143 00:05:19,587 --> 00:05:20,688 She never stole that! 144 00:05:20,788 --> 00:05:21,889 You have no proof that she-- Are you kidding me? 145 00:05:21,989 --> 00:05:23,391 You need to wake up. What? You're crazy. 146 00:05:23,457 --> 00:05:24,992 I don't know that she gave us bedbugs for sure, 147 00:05:25,092 --> 00:05:26,427 but I'm pretty damn positive. 148 00:05:26,527 --> 00:05:27,528 This is why I wanted you to go to Al Anon. 149 00:05:27,628 --> 00:05:30,531 Salmon, we got onion rings, we got a gumbo. 150 00:05:30,631 --> 00:05:32,165 How's the steak doing? 151 00:05:32,265 --> 00:05:34,768 Every once in a while, I like a finger. 152 00:05:34,868 --> 00:05:36,303 Amen. 153 00:05:36,404 --> 00:05:38,639 Nose, vagina, butthole. 154 00:05:38,739 --> 00:05:40,841 If God didn't want us to put our fingers in there, 155 00:05:40,941 --> 00:05:43,644 then why did She make them perfectly finger-sized? 156 00:05:43,744 --> 00:05:45,145 Exactly, that's what they're for. 157 00:05:45,245 --> 00:05:47,881 And here's your amuse-bouche. 158 00:05:47,981 --> 00:05:50,150 Enjoy, ladies. 159 00:05:50,250 --> 00:05:52,285 Your 26th year is starting off so badass 160 00:05:52,420 --> 00:05:53,454 it is blowing my mind. 161 00:05:53,554 --> 00:05:54,522 It is, right? 162 00:05:54,622 --> 00:05:57,958 I had slightly above-average sex last night, 163 00:05:58,058 --> 00:06:01,194 which for me, you know, is incredible sex. 164 00:06:01,294 --> 00:06:02,430 For most. 165 00:06:02,496 --> 00:06:03,431 You know what? To Doug. 166 00:06:03,497 --> 00:06:04,998 For turning you out. 167 00:06:07,968 --> 00:06:09,703 I planned it so that we were doing it 168 00:06:09,803 --> 00:06:13,707 at the stroke of midnight, as I turned 26. 169 00:06:13,807 --> 00:06:15,042 You have given yourself a truly 170 00:06:15,142 --> 00:06:17,044 spiritual sexual experience. 171 00:06:17,144 --> 00:06:20,448 You know, I just feel, like, really good inside. 172 00:06:20,481 --> 00:06:21,715 You know what? I gotta pee. 173 00:06:21,815 --> 00:06:23,083 I'll be right back. 174 00:06:25,986 --> 00:06:27,220 And how is everything so far? 175 00:06:27,320 --> 00:06:28,556 So delicious. 176 00:06:28,656 --> 00:06:30,891 I just want to thank you for your service 177 00:06:30,991 --> 00:06:33,727 and your joie de, uh... 178 00:06:33,827 --> 00:06:34,728 jooge. 179 00:06:34,828 --> 00:06:36,129 Oh, well, it's my pleasure. 180 00:06:36,229 --> 00:06:37,698 Ours, too, as well. 181 00:06:38,699 --> 00:06:39,967 (urinating) 182 00:06:40,067 --> 00:06:42,269 Mmm. So soft. 183 00:06:42,369 --> 00:06:44,472 (classical music playing) 184 00:06:47,675 --> 00:06:48,776 (splash) 185 00:06:57,618 --> 00:07:01,188 I just peed out a condom. 186 00:07:04,357 --> 00:07:06,093 (deep breath in, sighs) 187 00:07:06,193 --> 00:07:08,496 Clams Persimmico in a gold leaf glaze. 188 00:07:08,562 --> 00:07:09,630 Bon appétit. 189 00:07:09,730 --> 00:07:12,332 Thank you so much. This looks incredible. 190 00:07:12,500 --> 00:07:13,501 May I grab you another fork? 191 00:07:13,601 --> 00:07:15,402 This is perfect, thank you. 192 00:07:17,204 --> 00:07:18,405 Well, hello, my fancy girl-- 193 00:07:18,506 --> 00:07:21,074 No, don't, I'm not fancy, I'm disgusting. 194 00:07:21,174 --> 00:07:22,976 I went to the bathroom, and then-- 195 00:07:23,076 --> 00:07:25,145 and then I was going to the bathroom, 196 00:07:25,245 --> 00:07:27,748 and then a condom fell out of me. 197 00:07:30,183 --> 00:07:31,585 Did you pee it or poop it? 198 00:07:31,685 --> 00:07:33,253 I peed it. 199 00:07:33,353 --> 00:07:34,522 Why'd you immediately go there? 200 00:07:34,555 --> 00:07:35,623 I didn't poop it, dude. 201 00:07:35,723 --> 00:07:36,790 Hey, it's 2014. 202 00:07:36,890 --> 00:07:38,425 Anal's on the menu. 203 00:07:38,526 --> 00:07:40,160 I can't even believe that, like, I didn't notice it. 204 00:07:40,260 --> 00:07:42,095 I was, like, very present, you know? 205 00:07:42,195 --> 00:07:43,531 I don't know how he didn't notice it. 206 00:07:43,597 --> 00:07:44,765 It happens to everybody. 207 00:07:44,865 --> 00:07:47,100 Has it happened to you? No. 208 00:07:47,200 --> 00:07:50,037 (sighs) Everything I've done has happened to you. 209 00:07:50,137 --> 00:07:51,539 Not yet is what I meant to say. 210 00:07:51,572 --> 00:07:53,941 So what? You're a nasty bitch, who cares? 211 00:07:54,041 --> 00:07:55,776 All right. (sighs) Let's go get high, 212 00:07:55,876 --> 00:07:57,945 and then we can enjoy this clams Filipino even more. 213 00:07:58,045 --> 00:08:00,681 Okay. That's a good idea. 214 00:08:02,282 --> 00:08:03,851 Hi, would you mind making sure 215 00:08:03,951 --> 00:08:05,919 they don't take those clams? 216 00:08:06,019 --> 00:08:07,220 Thank you. 217 00:08:09,890 --> 00:08:12,059 You know, I know you're in your head, but... 218 00:08:12,159 --> 00:08:14,394 this birthday is a maje improvement 219 00:08:14,562 --> 00:08:15,863 from last year's. 220 00:08:15,963 --> 00:08:17,297 (inhales) Yeah, well, I shouldn't have tried 221 00:08:17,397 --> 00:08:18,932 to throw myself a surprise party. 222 00:08:19,032 --> 00:08:21,034 You should have tried. It was a mistake. 223 00:08:22,302 --> 00:08:23,336 Hi. 224 00:08:24,572 --> 00:08:25,839 Want a hit? 225 00:08:29,309 --> 00:08:30,277 Thanks for the food. 226 00:08:30,377 --> 00:08:33,046 It's amazingly delicious. 227 00:08:33,146 --> 00:08:34,081 I don't prepare the food. 228 00:08:34,181 --> 00:08:35,583 I just, uh, clear the plates. 229 00:08:35,683 --> 00:08:37,585 Yeah, but... you know. 230 00:08:39,587 --> 00:08:41,622 You know what I've been thinking about? 231 00:08:41,722 --> 00:08:42,990 Every animal, 232 00:08:43,090 --> 00:08:45,759 from every movie we've loved as a kid, 233 00:08:45,859 --> 00:08:46,894 probably dead. 234 00:08:46,994 --> 00:08:48,929 Think about it. Air Bud: dead. 235 00:08:49,029 --> 00:08:51,599 All 101 Dalmatians are probably dead. 236 00:08:51,665 --> 00:08:52,600 (shudders) 237 00:08:52,666 --> 00:08:54,401 I guess Babe from "Babe" is dead. 238 00:08:54,501 --> 00:08:57,170 Ooh, we could have eaten Babe tonight. 239 00:08:57,270 --> 00:08:58,305 Well, maybe not. 240 00:08:58,405 --> 00:08:59,740 Pigs live longer than dogs. 241 00:08:59,840 --> 00:09:01,875 I think they might live longer than humans? 242 00:09:01,975 --> 00:09:03,410 I think that's turtles. 243 00:09:03,510 --> 00:09:06,747 Tramp, from "Lady and the Tramp." 244 00:09:06,847 --> 00:09:08,448 (laughing) 245 00:09:09,917 --> 00:09:11,151 Tramp's a cartoon. 246 00:09:13,020 --> 00:09:14,187 I know that. 247 00:09:14,287 --> 00:09:15,823 She was for real. I know that it was a cartoon. 248 00:09:15,923 --> 00:09:18,058 Uh, I gotta go, but thanks. 249 00:09:18,158 --> 00:09:19,226 No worries. 250 00:09:19,326 --> 00:09:20,794 Hey, and I know you didn't make the food, 251 00:09:20,894 --> 00:09:21,729 but you will one day. 252 00:09:21,829 --> 00:09:25,799 Uh... thanks. 253 00:09:27,167 --> 00:09:29,202 You know, that Tramp was my first sexual crush. 254 00:09:29,302 --> 00:09:33,073 He was hot. He was like a spunky bad boy. 255 00:09:33,173 --> 00:09:36,009 You know who was mine? Stimpy. 256 00:09:36,109 --> 00:09:38,211 Stimpy from "Ren and Stimpy"? 257 00:09:38,311 --> 00:09:40,648 Yeah, I feel like he has a similar build to Lincoln. 258 00:09:40,681 --> 00:09:42,515 Huh. 259 00:09:42,650 --> 00:09:45,653 (rock music playing) 260 00:10:07,675 --> 00:10:09,376 (breaths echoing) 261 00:10:09,476 --> 00:10:12,212 (slowed) They left your clams. 262 00:10:12,312 --> 00:10:15,582 (chuckles) The world is good, dude. 263 00:10:15,683 --> 00:10:17,951 Ilana, hold on, are you okay? 264 00:10:18,051 --> 00:10:19,920 Your face is like really red 265 00:10:20,020 --> 00:10:22,455 and your eye is blowing up. 266 00:10:22,555 --> 00:10:24,324 Full disclosure: 267 00:10:24,424 --> 00:10:27,327 I'm a little allergic to shellfish. 268 00:10:27,427 --> 00:10:29,229 That's all we've been eating tonight. 269 00:10:29,329 --> 00:10:30,798 I really know my body, dude. 270 00:10:30,898 --> 00:10:33,166 I go up to the edge and then I scale it back. 271 00:10:33,266 --> 00:10:35,102 I'm good at it, honestly. 272 00:10:35,202 --> 00:10:37,270 It looks worse than it is, I feel great. 273 00:10:37,370 --> 00:10:39,272 How do I not know that you're allergic to shellfish? 274 00:10:39,372 --> 00:10:40,741 You don't know everything about me. 275 00:10:40,841 --> 00:10:41,809 I feel like I do. 276 00:10:41,909 --> 00:10:43,343 You text me every time you take a dump. 277 00:10:43,443 --> 00:10:44,812 I know about the pimple on your nipple 278 00:10:44,912 --> 00:10:46,680 and I'm, like, the holder of your Social Security card. 279 00:10:46,780 --> 00:10:48,115 I have mystery, too. 280 00:10:48,215 --> 00:10:49,649 I haven't even told you yet 281 00:10:49,750 --> 00:10:51,551 that I want to put my fist 282 00:10:51,651 --> 00:10:53,453 in our waiter's mouth sexually. 283 00:10:53,553 --> 00:10:56,323 I feel like he only has sex on top of baby grands. 284 00:10:56,423 --> 00:10:57,324 (softly) Oh, my God. 285 00:10:57,424 --> 00:10:58,959 He's so classy. 286 00:10:59,059 --> 00:11:00,728 You know what? Maybe I should find a girlfriend 287 00:11:00,828 --> 00:11:02,095 who will actually come see my band play. 288 00:11:02,195 --> 00:11:04,531 John, I told you when we met that I hate music. 289 00:11:04,631 --> 00:11:06,333 What kind of weirdo hates music, Cheryl? 290 00:11:06,433 --> 00:11:07,567 Mario, we see you in the corner. 291 00:11:07,735 --> 00:11:09,069 Everybody can tell that you're stoned. 292 00:11:09,169 --> 00:11:10,303 (John) Don't listen to her, Mario. 293 00:11:10,403 --> 00:11:12,105 Smoke all the weed you want, bro. How dare you! 294 00:11:12,205 --> 00:11:13,106 Don't forget whose name is on the lease. 295 00:11:13,206 --> 00:11:14,041 (mimics her) "How dare you?" 296 00:11:14,141 --> 00:11:15,275 You know what? I'll cancel the cable, 297 00:11:15,375 --> 00:11:16,343 then have fun figuring out 298 00:11:16,443 --> 00:11:18,746 what happens on "Homeland," you gross baby. 299 00:11:19,880 --> 00:11:21,181 (Cheryl) I need a 42. 300 00:11:21,281 --> 00:11:22,282 I need an onion ring, 301 00:11:22,382 --> 00:11:25,218 I need a tagliatelle with light sauce. 302 00:11:27,220 --> 00:11:28,588 All right. 303 00:11:28,756 --> 00:11:30,290 Here is the shellfish medley. 304 00:11:30,390 --> 00:11:32,793 I'm really excited for you guys to try this. 305 00:11:32,893 --> 00:11:35,362 We have crab three ways and lobster nine ways. 306 00:11:35,462 --> 00:11:37,130 Get in my belly! 307 00:11:37,230 --> 00:11:38,565 (chuckles) You guys are a kick. 308 00:11:38,665 --> 00:11:39,800 Oh, man. 309 00:11:41,034 --> 00:11:42,369 Anyway, like I was saying, 310 00:11:42,469 --> 00:11:43,871 I know I can't really sing. 311 00:11:43,971 --> 00:11:47,407 Mmm, but I feel like if I had, like, private lessons 312 00:11:47,507 --> 00:11:49,042 and learned how to, like, really breathe, 313 00:11:49,142 --> 00:11:50,811 then I could, like, I could sing really well. 314 00:11:50,911 --> 00:11:52,612 Mm-hmm. 315 00:11:52,780 --> 00:11:54,381 But don't repeat that to anybody. 316 00:11:54,481 --> 00:11:55,415 I won't. 317 00:11:55,515 --> 00:11:57,584 (cell phone vibrating) 318 00:11:57,684 --> 00:11:59,152 Oh, my gosh. Ilana, Doug's calling. 319 00:11:59,252 --> 00:12:00,553 Pick it up. Tell him... 320 00:12:00,788 --> 00:12:03,490 not to leave his trash inside your body. 321 00:12:03,590 --> 00:12:05,793 I'm gonna. I'll be right back. 322 00:12:05,893 --> 00:12:07,494 You get it, girl. 323 00:12:09,562 --> 00:12:11,064 Ahh. (crunching) 324 00:12:11,164 --> 00:12:13,700 Mmm! 325 00:12:13,801 --> 00:12:15,368 (slurping) 326 00:12:15,468 --> 00:12:16,837 (Doug) I had a really good time last night. 327 00:12:16,937 --> 00:12:17,971 Yeah, so did I, 328 00:12:18,071 --> 00:12:20,673 until I came to this really fancy restaurant 329 00:12:20,808 --> 00:12:24,812 for my birthday and I peed out a condom. 330 00:12:24,878 --> 00:12:26,513 Ohh! What? 331 00:12:26,613 --> 00:12:27,981 Yeah, I know. 332 00:12:28,081 --> 00:12:30,683 Did you not notice that you were missing a condom? 333 00:12:30,818 --> 00:12:32,820 We didn't use a condom last night, 334 00:12:32,920 --> 00:12:34,221 so, no, I wasn't keeping track. 335 00:12:34,321 --> 00:12:35,555 What?! Oh, sorry. 336 00:12:35,655 --> 00:12:37,357 We didn't use a condom-- 337 00:12:37,457 --> 00:12:38,358 I heard you. 338 00:12:38,458 --> 00:12:39,927 What do you mean we didn't use a condom? 339 00:12:40,027 --> 00:12:41,995 I took it off. I thought you saw. 340 00:12:42,095 --> 00:12:43,196 No, I didn't see that. 341 00:12:43,296 --> 00:12:44,865 Because, like a lady, 342 00:12:44,965 --> 00:12:47,167 I keep my eyes closed when I make love. 343 00:12:47,267 --> 00:12:48,902 You're a condom girl. 344 00:12:49,002 --> 00:12:50,437 I will make a note of that for next time. 345 00:12:50,537 --> 00:12:52,039 There's not gonna be a next time. 346 00:12:52,139 --> 00:12:53,473 Are you sure, Abbi? 347 00:12:55,008 --> 00:12:56,409 No, I'm not sure, 348 00:12:56,509 --> 00:12:58,879 'cause I'm not sure about anything. 349 00:12:58,979 --> 00:13:01,949 Something just fell out of my body, 350 00:13:02,049 --> 00:13:03,917 so I gotta go deal with that, 351 00:13:04,017 --> 00:13:06,186 and you need to deal with me dealing with that. 352 00:13:06,286 --> 00:13:08,521 Well, you do what you got to do, girl. 353 00:13:09,756 --> 00:13:11,191 All right, well, maybe I'll talk to you soon. 354 00:13:11,291 --> 00:13:12,525 You will. 355 00:13:13,894 --> 00:13:15,662 (sighs) 356 00:13:15,762 --> 00:13:17,330 Okay. 357 00:13:17,430 --> 00:13:18,866 Seafood turducken. 358 00:13:18,932 --> 00:13:20,667 We have a small Maine clam 359 00:13:20,767 --> 00:13:22,769 inside the mouth of a lobster 360 00:13:22,870 --> 00:13:24,671 inside a larger Maine clam. 361 00:13:24,771 --> 00:13:26,273 Yum. (chuckles) 362 00:13:26,373 --> 00:13:28,475 (slurred) Seafood paradise. 363 00:13:28,575 --> 00:13:29,609 All righty. You know, I'm gonna 364 00:13:29,709 --> 00:13:32,345 suck on those legs a little longer, so... 365 00:13:32,445 --> 00:13:33,881 Thanks so much. 366 00:13:35,282 --> 00:13:37,150 Oh, my God, Ilana, your face looks insane. 367 00:13:37,250 --> 00:13:40,387 Hey, this is what living on the edge looks like. 368 00:13:40,487 --> 00:13:42,890 It's not that bad. I could still wink, see? 369 00:13:47,527 --> 00:13:49,529 (slurred) Yeah, this is pretty bad. 370 00:13:49,629 --> 00:13:51,331 But honestly, I know my limit. 371 00:13:51,431 --> 00:13:53,333 I'm just pacing myself for that lava cake. 372 00:13:53,433 --> 00:13:56,669 Okay, you've absolutely reached the limit. 373 00:13:56,769 --> 00:13:58,638 Your face looks like the underbelly of a tugboat. 374 00:13:59,639 --> 00:14:00,607 Listen, we are here 375 00:14:00,707 --> 00:14:03,510 celebrating your birthday, okay? 376 00:14:03,610 --> 00:14:04,912 Yeah, and for my birthday 377 00:14:04,978 --> 00:14:06,413 I would love for you to stay alive. 378 00:14:06,513 --> 00:14:08,548 Abbi, I am a veteran of this game. 379 00:14:08,648 --> 00:14:10,217 I got three to three and a half servings 380 00:14:10,317 --> 00:14:12,585 of shellfish left in me. I feel it. 381 00:14:12,685 --> 00:14:14,587 And then my throat's gonna start to close up 382 00:14:14,687 --> 00:14:15,923 and you'll just stab me with an epi pen. 383 00:14:15,989 --> 00:14:16,924 It's not a big deal. 384 00:14:17,024 --> 00:14:18,091 Where am I getting an epi pen? 385 00:14:18,191 --> 00:14:20,460 From my clutch. Durr! 386 00:14:20,560 --> 00:14:23,396 So you planned on having me stab you with an epi pen? 387 00:14:23,496 --> 00:14:25,232 (more slurred) You know, stop trying to change the subject. 388 00:14:25,332 --> 00:14:26,499 What did Doug say to you on the phone? 389 00:14:27,500 --> 00:14:30,137 Okay, so, it turns out that, um, 390 00:14:30,237 --> 00:14:32,572 he wasn't wearing a condom last night. 391 00:14:32,672 --> 00:14:33,640 What?! 392 00:14:33,740 --> 00:14:34,942 It had to have been the condom 393 00:14:34,975 --> 00:14:38,045 from the other night with boring Ben, 394 00:14:38,145 --> 00:14:40,948 which means that... 395 00:14:41,014 --> 00:14:44,784 there was a condom in my person for four days. 396 00:14:44,952 --> 00:14:47,787 Normally, I would be overjoyed 397 00:14:47,955 --> 00:14:50,390 that you had sex twice in one week. 398 00:14:50,490 --> 00:14:52,092 Okay, I could have sworn that he was-- 399 00:14:52,192 --> 00:14:53,961 You could have sworn what? 400 00:14:53,994 --> 00:14:56,329 Not only are we talking STDs here, 401 00:14:56,429 --> 00:14:58,565 I can't even imagine how many dudes 402 00:14:58,665 --> 00:15:01,868 would love to lock you down with an unexpected pregnancy. 403 00:15:01,969 --> 00:15:03,370 I mean, what do you think-- 404 00:15:03,470 --> 00:15:06,239 All right, the Alaskan king crab stew. 405 00:15:06,339 --> 00:15:08,408 And I do hope you ladies enjoy it. 406 00:15:08,508 --> 00:15:10,143 Thank you so much, John. 407 00:15:10,243 --> 00:15:11,511 Eww. 408 00:15:13,246 --> 00:15:16,183 I mean, your body is a temple. 409 00:15:16,283 --> 00:15:18,018 (slurping) You've got to respect it. 410 00:15:18,118 --> 00:15:19,519 Ilana, stop, that's enough. 411 00:15:19,619 --> 00:15:21,254 No, enough. Hey, two more bites. It is so expensive. 412 00:15:21,354 --> 00:15:22,855 Ilana, stop eating-- okay. 413 00:15:22,990 --> 00:15:24,091 We're not doing this anymore. 414 00:15:24,191 --> 00:15:25,158 No, one more, one more. 415 00:15:25,258 --> 00:15:26,659 Come on, take this pen. Hey! 416 00:15:26,759 --> 00:15:27,894 No, no! Ilana, take the pen. 417 00:15:27,995 --> 00:15:29,496 Aah! God! (diners groan) 418 00:15:29,596 --> 00:15:31,098 I stabbed myself. (gasps) 419 00:15:31,198 --> 00:15:33,666 I just stabbed myself! 420 00:15:33,766 --> 00:15:35,435 Whoo! 421 00:15:36,503 --> 00:15:39,606 Adrenaline! 422 00:15:39,706 --> 00:15:42,875 I... could actually take that pen. (wheeze) 423 00:15:43,010 --> 00:15:44,744 I feel so alive right now! 424 00:15:44,844 --> 00:15:45,912 What's going on? 425 00:15:46,013 --> 00:15:47,180 Ilana, I got you, girl. 426 00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:49,416 It's my birthday, I'm the king of the world! 427 00:15:49,516 --> 00:15:51,018 Wait, wait. 428 00:15:51,051 --> 00:15:53,286 We'll take those two molten lava cakes to go. 429 00:15:53,386 --> 00:15:54,787 (shudders) 430 00:15:54,887 --> 00:15:57,124 26, 26! 431 00:15:58,191 --> 00:15:59,559 Yes, thank you, I need an ambulance 432 00:15:59,659 --> 00:16:01,028 to Octavia restaurant, please. 433 00:16:01,094 --> 00:16:02,229 Why don't you have the ambulance 434 00:16:02,329 --> 00:16:03,596 drop you off at a mental hospital? 435 00:16:03,696 --> 00:16:04,831 Because you're a crazy person. 436 00:16:04,931 --> 00:16:06,033 I hope you die in your sleep. 437 00:16:06,066 --> 00:16:07,800 I am gonna die because you're killing me slowly. 438 00:16:07,900 --> 00:16:09,802 Yes, it's an allergic reaction to seafood. 439 00:16:09,902 --> 00:16:12,105 Speak clearly. Someone is dying. 440 00:16:12,205 --> 00:16:14,341 Mm-hmm. Unbelievable. 441 00:16:14,441 --> 00:16:15,642 (gasping) I'm king of the world! 442 00:16:15,742 --> 00:16:20,813 Abbi, you are the love of my... life. 443 00:16:26,586 --> 00:16:29,689 (opera playing) (grunting) 444 00:16:38,065 --> 00:16:38,965 (distorted) Sorry. 445 00:16:41,334 --> 00:16:42,235 (exhales) 446 00:16:51,678 --> 00:16:53,113 (exhales) 447 00:16:58,451 --> 00:16:59,852 Yes. 448 00:17:02,722 --> 00:17:03,756 (exhales) 449 00:17:05,192 --> 00:17:06,393 Ohh! (Abbi gasps) 450 00:17:06,493 --> 00:17:07,760 (strained) We got this. 451 00:17:07,860 --> 00:17:08,961 Okay. 452 00:17:09,096 --> 00:17:10,130 (moans, grunts) 453 00:17:10,230 --> 00:17:11,898 (siren blaring) 454 00:17:11,998 --> 00:17:13,633 You know what I was thinking about? 455 00:17:13,733 --> 00:17:16,336 I have no clue. 456 00:17:16,436 --> 00:17:18,505 After tonight, I realized 457 00:17:18,605 --> 00:17:20,740 we gotta get back into our bucket list, dude. 458 00:17:20,840 --> 00:17:22,142 Yes. We let it go for too long. 459 00:17:22,242 --> 00:17:23,576 I don't want to wait till we're dead 460 00:17:23,676 --> 00:17:24,611 to actually get to it. 461 00:17:24,711 --> 00:17:27,114 I have them, I'll pull them up. 462 00:17:27,180 --> 00:17:28,115 There's a lot on here. 463 00:17:28,215 --> 00:17:29,449 I think we need to make some edits. 464 00:17:29,549 --> 00:17:30,850 Why? What's on there? 465 00:17:30,950 --> 00:17:34,454 Okay, mine: own an elliptical. 466 00:17:34,554 --> 00:17:35,988 Go to a pug farm. 467 00:17:36,123 --> 00:17:38,825 I just want to, like, lay with, like, a lot of pugs. 468 00:17:38,925 --> 00:17:40,293 (chuckles) You know? 469 00:17:40,393 --> 00:17:42,595 Do heroin under the aurora borealis. 470 00:17:42,695 --> 00:17:44,997 Okay, so none of those can go. 471 00:17:45,132 --> 00:17:46,666 Good luck editing. 472 00:17:46,766 --> 00:17:48,801 What are some of mine? Okay. 473 00:17:48,901 --> 00:17:50,903 Make your own Passover Seder. 474 00:17:52,139 --> 00:17:54,207 To be able to squirt. 475 00:17:54,307 --> 00:17:55,508 Hello. Okay. 476 00:17:55,608 --> 00:17:57,544 (gasps) To be held in Abbi's arms. 477 00:17:57,644 --> 00:17:59,679 You did that tonight. Ohh. 478 00:17:59,779 --> 00:18:02,215 You carried me. 479 00:18:02,315 --> 00:18:04,717 Yeah. Guess I'm pretty strong. 480 00:18:04,817 --> 00:18:05,718 Who knew? 481 00:18:05,818 --> 00:18:06,919 (woman) Mr. Rosenberg? 482 00:18:07,019 --> 00:18:08,921 Mr. Rosenberg. He's not breathing. 483 00:18:09,021 --> 00:18:10,056 Blue team to the ER. 484 00:18:10,157 --> 00:18:12,692 (code alert beeping) 485 00:18:12,792 --> 00:18:14,427 (man) Draw four units of ACE inhibitors. 486 00:18:14,527 --> 00:18:16,296 (exhales) Blood pressure dropping. 487 00:18:16,396 --> 00:18:17,630 60 over 30. 488 00:18:17,730 --> 00:18:19,031 (woman) One milligram of epinephrine in. 489 00:18:19,166 --> 00:18:20,367 (monitors beeping) 490 00:18:20,467 --> 00:18:21,734 (man) Get the pads. 491 00:18:21,834 --> 00:18:24,304 (woman) Paddles charging, clear. 492 00:18:24,404 --> 00:18:26,173 (thump) (man) Patient not responsive. 493 00:18:26,206 --> 00:18:27,374 (defibrillator whirs) 494 00:18:27,474 --> 00:18:29,609 (woman) Clear! (thump) 495 00:18:29,709 --> 00:18:32,179 (monitor flatlines) 496 00:18:34,381 --> 00:18:36,649 (man) Time of death, 2:47 AM. 497 00:18:45,392 --> 00:18:46,993 (exhales) 498 00:18:47,093 --> 00:18:48,628 You know what another one of mine is? 499 00:18:48,728 --> 00:18:50,597 To be an Asian girl. 500 00:18:52,031 --> 00:18:53,600 To be one? 501 00:18:53,700 --> 00:18:56,002 I mean, if technology ever allows for it, 502 00:18:56,102 --> 00:18:59,439 I'd actually love a crack at every race. 503 00:18:59,539 --> 00:19:01,374 Huh. 504 00:19:01,474 --> 00:19:04,211 All right, I'll add it to the list. 505 00:19:06,946 --> 00:19:08,581 first night of my 26th year-- 506 00:19:08,681 --> 00:19:11,251 pee out a condom, go to the hospital. 507 00:19:11,351 --> 00:19:13,220 I think that that means that this year is just gonna be really-- 508 00:19:13,286 --> 00:19:14,487 Fun and cool and fresh? 509 00:19:14,587 --> 00:19:16,256 Well, I was gonna say awesome, but yeah. 510 00:19:16,356 --> 00:19:18,925 Okay, it will be, except 511 00:19:19,025 --> 00:19:22,962 I will be imposing the strictest condom policies. 512 00:19:23,062 --> 00:19:26,233 From now on, you will be sending me a picture 513 00:19:26,266 --> 00:19:30,036 of every dick that you are about to... host 514 00:19:30,136 --> 00:19:32,539 wearing a condom. 515 00:19:32,639 --> 00:19:34,374 Deal? No deal. 516 00:19:34,474 --> 00:19:35,708 Oh, my God. 517 00:19:35,808 --> 00:19:38,278 Do you know who's at the top of my mom's gross sex list? 518 00:19:38,378 --> 00:19:40,247 Howie Mandel. (chuckles) 519 00:19:40,313 --> 00:19:42,349 Wait, your mom has a gross sex list? 520 00:19:42,449 --> 00:19:43,616 Yeah, my whole family does. 521 00:19:43,716 --> 00:19:45,685 We play this game, it is hysterical. 522 00:19:45,785 --> 00:19:46,986 Who is the grossest person 523 00:19:47,086 --> 00:19:48,621 you still kind of want to have sex with? 524 00:19:48,721 --> 00:19:50,022 Oh, okay, well, mine would-- 525 00:19:50,122 --> 00:19:52,259 Mine would obviously-- It just, um, it can't be a cartoon. 526 00:19:52,292 --> 00:19:53,893 Okay. Well... 527 00:19:55,428 --> 00:19:57,063 Okay... 528 00:19:57,163 --> 00:19:59,899 Mmm... O.J. 529 00:20:00,933 --> 00:20:02,502 Yeah, yeah. 530 00:20:02,602 --> 00:20:03,903 Definitely O.J. 531 00:20:04,003 --> 00:20:05,037 Oh, my God! 532 00:20:05,137 --> 00:20:08,140 Dude, in his day, he was a solid man. 533 00:20:08,241 --> 00:20:09,576 Like, he was a 10. Oh, he was gorgeous. 534 00:20:09,676 --> 00:20:10,910 He was a 10. No, no, no. 535 00:20:11,010 --> 00:20:12,712 He was on the cover of magazines and stuff. 536 00:20:12,812 --> 00:20:15,382 I'm just, like, floored by what a good answer that is 537 00:20:15,482 --> 00:20:17,049 and you've never played this before. 538 00:20:17,149 --> 00:20:19,386 I have never even thought of a murderer. 539 00:20:19,486 --> 00:20:20,853 Okay, how about you? 540 00:20:20,953 --> 00:20:25,525 Okay, my last one was, uh, David Blaine. 541 00:20:25,625 --> 00:20:27,694 (laughing) David Blaine?! 542 00:20:27,794 --> 00:20:29,396 That's so gross, but I feel like 543 00:20:29,496 --> 00:20:31,598 he cuts off his breathing so much 544 00:20:31,698 --> 00:20:33,199 he's gotta be uninhibited. 545 00:20:33,300 --> 00:20:34,767 He would let me do anything. 546 00:20:34,867 --> 00:20:36,403 Yeah, he would, like, pull out a tooth or something. 547 00:20:36,503 --> 00:20:38,004 Anything you want to do to David Blaine 548 00:20:38,104 --> 00:20:39,005 he'll let you do. 549 00:20:39,105 --> 00:20:40,239 I'd, like, penetrate him. 550 00:20:40,340 --> 00:20:44,577 But my newest one is, um, the Six Flags guy. 551 00:20:44,677 --> 00:20:45,778 (chuckles) (gasps) 552 00:20:45,878 --> 00:20:47,414 He's like-- Right off the bus? 553 00:20:47,514 --> 00:20:49,549 Yeah, he's like... (humming) 554 00:20:49,649 --> 00:20:51,050 No way, he's like... 555 00:20:52,652 --> 00:20:55,121 Oh, my God, I can't believe you can do that in heels. 556 00:20:55,221 --> 00:20:56,589 But, like, a lot faster. 557 00:20:56,689 --> 00:20:57,690 (humming song) 558 00:20:57,790 --> 00:20:59,258 He does that with his arms. 559 00:20:59,359 --> 00:21:00,793 (both humming song) 560 00:21:00,893 --> 00:21:03,496 He's, like, so rubbery. 561 00:21:03,596 --> 00:21:04,597 Hold up, though, dude. 562 00:21:04,697 --> 00:21:07,133 We've got to go back to O.J. 563 00:21:15,908 --> 00:21:16,976 What are we doing here? What is this? 564 00:21:17,076 --> 00:21:18,345 You tell me what we're doing here. 565 00:21:18,411 --> 00:21:19,346 You want this to be over? 566 00:21:19,379 --> 00:21:20,447 Pick up a knife and stab me, 567 00:21:20,580 --> 00:21:22,549 in the heart, don't do it to my back. 568 00:21:23,783 --> 00:21:25,852 You make me sick. 569 00:21:25,952 --> 00:21:27,387 We're 86 the seafood medley, by the way. 570 00:21:27,487 --> 00:21:28,488 Thank you.