1 00:00:12,613 --> 00:00:13,814 (man) Start it. 2 00:00:13,947 --> 00:00:14,815 * 3 00:00:14,982 --> 00:00:16,050 * Zombie on the track 4 00:00:16,217 --> 00:00:19,019 * Started from the bottom now we're here * 5 00:00:19,187 --> 00:00:21,489 * Started from the bottom now my whole team here * 6 00:00:21,589 --> 00:00:24,625 * Started from the bottom now we're here * 7 00:00:24,758 --> 00:00:27,461 * Started from the bottom now the whole team here * 8 00:00:27,595 --> 00:00:30,331 * Started from the bottom now we're here * 9 00:00:30,464 --> 00:00:32,833 * Started from the bottom now my whole team here * 10 00:00:32,966 --> 00:00:35,536 * Started from the bottom now we're here * 11 00:00:35,636 --> 00:00:38,406 * Started from the bottom now the whole team here * 12 00:00:38,539 --> 00:00:41,575 * I done kept it real from the jump * 13 00:00:41,709 --> 00:00:44,212 * Livin' at my mama's house we'd argue every mornin' * 14 00:00:44,312 --> 00:00:46,714 * I was tryin' to get it on my own * 15 00:00:46,847 --> 00:00:49,483 * Workin' all night traffic on the way home * 16 00:00:49,583 --> 00:00:52,520 * And my uncle callin' me like "Where you at? * 17 00:00:52,653 --> 00:00:55,323 * I gave you the keys told you bring it right back" * 18 00:00:55,423 --> 00:00:58,159 * I just think it's funny how it goes * 19 00:00:58,259 --> 00:01:00,894 * Now I'm on the road half a million for a show * 20 00:01:01,028 --> 00:01:03,564 * Started from the bottom now we're here * 21 00:01:03,664 --> 00:01:06,567 * Started from the bottom now my whole team here * 22 00:01:06,667 --> 00:01:09,370 * Started from the bottom now we're here * 23 00:01:09,470 --> 00:01:11,572 * Started from the bottom now the whole team here * 24 00:01:11,672 --> 00:01:15,143 * Start, started from the bottom now we're here * 25 00:01:15,209 --> 00:01:17,811 * Started from the bottom now the whole team here * 26 00:01:17,911 --> 00:01:19,613 * Started from the bottom now we're here... * 27 00:01:19,713 --> 00:01:22,450 (woman) Ma'am... Ma'am... Ma'am... 28 00:01:22,550 --> 00:01:24,685 Ma'am! 29 00:01:24,785 --> 00:01:26,620 You didn't sign the back of the check. 30 00:01:26,720 --> 00:01:28,556 Oh... I'm sorry. 31 00:01:28,656 --> 00:01:30,324 Uh, you know, I wasn't sure 32 00:01:30,458 --> 00:01:32,160 if there was a special teller I should go to 33 00:01:32,193 --> 00:01:33,361 for checks that are this large? 34 00:01:33,461 --> 00:01:36,697 Ooh, 8K, unh! 35 00:01:36,830 --> 00:01:39,167 You know how she got it, dude? 36 00:01:39,300 --> 00:01:43,471 This bitch right here drew this illustration, 37 00:01:43,571 --> 00:01:46,440 and a sexy-ass new dating web site bought it 38 00:01:46,540 --> 00:01:49,177 for $8,000! 39 00:01:49,243 --> 00:01:51,345 "An alert from your bank"? 40 00:01:51,479 --> 00:01:55,549 What? No. 41 00:01:55,649 --> 00:01:57,551 This illustration. 42 00:01:57,651 --> 00:01:58,786 Hey, came from her heart. 43 00:01:58,919 --> 00:02:01,255 Great-- so do you want this in cash? 44 00:02:01,422 --> 00:02:03,291 No, I want it in my savings account. 45 00:02:03,391 --> 00:02:04,692 For somebody who works at the bank, 46 00:02:04,792 --> 00:02:05,893 (silly voice) * I thought you'd be 47 00:02:05,993 --> 00:02:07,661 * more responsible with money * 48 00:02:07,761 --> 00:02:08,796 Ludacris. 49 00:02:08,929 --> 00:02:11,299 I also have some business with the bank. 50 00:02:11,399 --> 00:02:14,702 I'd like to cash these nickels, 51 00:02:14,802 --> 00:02:16,204 and I'll have them in quarters, please. 52 00:02:16,304 --> 00:02:17,438 Thank you so much. 53 00:02:17,538 --> 00:02:19,707 * Four and three and two and one-- one * 54 00:02:19,807 --> 00:02:24,212 * 55 00:02:28,449 --> 00:02:30,318 Abbi, you're home. 56 00:02:30,418 --> 00:02:31,785 What's going on? 57 00:02:31,885 --> 00:02:33,954 Nothing, just, uh... 58 00:02:34,054 --> 00:02:35,623 straightening up in the living room. 59 00:02:35,723 --> 00:02:37,124 You know, I was gonna fold this, heh. 60 00:02:37,225 --> 00:02:38,125 This is a mess. 61 00:02:38,226 --> 00:02:41,462 (gasps) Body Butter! 62 00:02:41,562 --> 00:02:43,264 (gasps) Lap pillow! 63 00:02:43,364 --> 00:02:46,133 (gasps) 64 00:02:46,234 --> 00:02:47,568 Julianna Margulies! 65 00:02:47,668 --> 00:02:50,971 You were jerking off. 66 00:02:51,071 --> 00:02:53,574 In the communal space! 67 00:02:53,674 --> 00:02:54,808 You don't even live here! 68 00:02:54,908 --> 00:02:57,044 I wasn't even touching my wiener yet. 69 00:02:57,144 --> 00:02:58,679 I was still just doing butt stuff. 70 00:02:58,779 --> 00:03:00,881 Ew! What? Okay. 71 00:03:00,981 --> 00:03:03,050 I was "jerking off." 72 00:03:03,251 --> 00:03:04,952 And to Julianna Margulies. 73 00:03:05,052 --> 00:03:08,256 Bevers, I swear to God that better be "E.R." 74 00:03:08,356 --> 00:03:10,258 It's... "Good Wife." 75 00:03:10,391 --> 00:03:14,728 You have a way of tainting everything I love. 76 00:03:14,828 --> 00:03:17,398 Taint? Don't. 77 00:03:17,498 --> 00:03:19,300 I'm done. I'm moving out. 78 00:03:19,400 --> 00:03:21,101 I am moving the (bleep) out! 79 00:03:21,269 --> 00:03:23,471 You know why? 'Cause I have money now. 80 00:03:23,571 --> 00:03:24,738 I got money now! 81 00:03:24,872 --> 00:03:26,073 'Cause I'm a boss. 82 00:03:26,274 --> 00:03:29,277 'Cause I'm a badass boss! 83 00:03:29,310 --> 00:03:31,279 Yeah, see how it goes. 84 00:03:31,379 --> 00:03:33,947 You see how it goes! 85 00:03:36,116 --> 00:03:38,051 Sorry. 86 00:03:42,856 --> 00:03:44,157 "Operator." 87 00:03:44,292 --> 00:03:45,959 (computer voice) I heard "Oppertimer." 88 00:03:46,093 --> 00:03:48,195 Op-er-a-tor. Oppenheimer. 89 00:03:48,296 --> 00:03:50,030 Thank you so much for coming with me. 90 00:03:50,130 --> 00:03:52,300 I can't live in this apartment for another second. 91 00:03:52,366 --> 00:03:56,136 Human being! Huge feelings. 92 00:03:56,304 --> 00:03:57,438 What's happening here? 93 00:03:57,538 --> 00:03:59,307 I cancelled my cable nine months ago. 94 00:03:59,440 --> 00:04:00,541 They are still charging me, 95 00:04:00,641 --> 00:04:03,344 and I'm getting an overdraft fee every day. 96 00:04:03,444 --> 00:04:05,012 Did you return your cable box? 97 00:04:05,112 --> 00:04:06,046 Yeah, you came with me, remember? 98 00:04:06,179 --> 00:04:07,648 That old lady spit on you in line. 99 00:04:07,748 --> 00:04:09,583 Oh, right. That was... 100 00:04:09,717 --> 00:04:11,184 Human being! 101 00:04:11,319 --> 00:04:12,553 Human being. 102 00:04:12,653 --> 00:04:14,988 Cumin braiding. Where is this broker? 103 00:04:15,088 --> 00:04:17,658 Just, I wanna move out immediately. 104 00:04:17,758 --> 00:04:19,993 Hi, girls. It's me, Pam. 105 00:04:22,830 --> 00:04:24,998 HI... 106 00:04:26,500 --> 00:04:28,201 Oh-- Oh... 107 00:04:28,336 --> 00:04:30,137 Hi. 108 00:04:32,740 --> 00:04:34,207 Hi. Hi. 109 00:04:34,375 --> 00:04:35,443 I'm Abbi. We spoke on the phone. 110 00:04:35,609 --> 00:04:37,911 Don't shake my hand, it was just down my pants. 111 00:04:38,045 --> 00:04:40,714 Let's find you your dream apartment, shall we? 112 00:04:40,848 --> 00:04:43,751 Yeah. Let's go here. 113 00:04:43,851 --> 00:04:45,453 (Pam) Beautiful day. 114 00:04:47,187 --> 00:04:49,923 Well, what do you think? 115 00:04:50,057 --> 00:04:52,192 It's a hallway. 116 00:04:52,360 --> 00:04:54,362 It is a beautiful 117 00:04:54,428 --> 00:04:57,230 railroad-style apartment in your budget. 118 00:04:57,365 --> 00:04:58,666 Where's the bathroom? 119 00:04:58,799 --> 00:05:00,468 Where isn't the bathroom? 120 00:05:00,601 --> 00:05:03,070 Jeez, wear a catheter, go in the corner. 121 00:05:03,236 --> 00:05:05,272 You can fit a king size bed in here. 122 00:05:05,406 --> 00:05:07,441 Yeah, if you fold it up like a taco. 123 00:05:07,575 --> 00:05:09,510 God, why am I so turned on right now? 124 00:05:09,677 --> 00:05:11,779 Ew, Pam, this place is horrible. 125 00:05:11,912 --> 00:05:13,080 Let's just move on. 126 00:05:13,213 --> 00:05:16,817 Look, don't bully me, all right-- I can't take it! 127 00:05:16,950 --> 00:05:19,787 I was cyberbullied within an inch of my life last night. 128 00:05:21,789 --> 00:05:23,591 I make dolls out of human hair. 129 00:05:23,691 --> 00:05:25,859 Who's thirsty? 130 00:05:26,293 --> 00:05:28,128 (Pam) God, I hope there's not another speed bump. 131 00:05:28,261 --> 00:05:30,398 I've got 18 stitches down there in my Susie. 132 00:05:30,531 --> 00:05:32,265 You know, the doctor said they'd disintegrate, 133 00:05:32,400 --> 00:05:33,467 but they haven't. 134 00:05:33,601 --> 00:05:34,802 Maybe I should get 'em yanked out. 135 00:05:34,935 --> 00:05:35,836 Maybe I can yank 'em out. 136 00:05:35,969 --> 00:05:37,204 You got any tweezers on ya? 137 00:05:37,405 --> 00:05:39,407 You know, I don't. I'm sorry. 138 00:05:39,473 --> 00:05:41,208 They're killing me. Oh well 139 00:05:41,308 --> 00:05:42,743 Can't let it get me down. 140 00:05:42,876 --> 00:05:44,277 God, I love this car. 141 00:05:44,445 --> 00:05:45,413 It's so little, you know, 142 00:05:45,513 --> 00:05:47,014 you can basically park it anywhere. 143 00:05:47,147 --> 00:05:48,816 (computer voice) Thank you for holding. 144 00:05:48,949 --> 00:05:51,084 You are no longer on pre-hold. 145 00:05:51,218 --> 00:05:52,486 You are on actual hold. 146 00:05:52,620 --> 00:05:53,521 It's so fun to drive one so small. 147 00:05:53,687 --> 00:05:55,789 "Pre-hold"? Pre-hold-- really? 148 00:05:55,923 --> 00:05:57,625 (computer voice) I heard "pre-hold." 149 00:05:57,725 --> 00:05:59,960 You are now being placed back on pre-hold. 150 00:06:00,093 --> 00:06:01,929 No, no, no, no, no, no, no-- hello? 151 00:06:02,029 --> 00:06:04,865 And we are here! (tires screech) 152 00:06:04,998 --> 00:06:07,535 This place is terrific! 153 00:06:07,668 --> 00:06:09,202 It's a prewar building 154 00:06:09,336 --> 00:06:11,338 built right after the Iraq war. 155 00:06:11,439 --> 00:06:12,973 How's that mattress treatin' ya? 156 00:06:13,106 --> 00:06:15,075 I can't sleep like this. I feel like I'm in a coffin. 157 00:06:15,208 --> 00:06:17,210 I slept in a coffin once. 158 00:06:17,344 --> 00:06:20,448 It wasn't that bad, except for the body. 159 00:06:20,481 --> 00:06:22,450 Let's go! (snaps fingers) 160 00:06:22,516 --> 00:06:24,518 Ilana, I'm gonna get out first. 161 00:06:24,618 --> 00:06:26,620 And then you come, okay? 162 00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:28,456 Oh! Damn! 163 00:06:28,556 --> 00:06:30,057 Dude! (bleep) 164 00:06:32,192 --> 00:06:33,727 Let's hustle! 165 00:06:33,861 --> 00:06:35,195 Your hand's on my ass. I'm like-- 166 00:06:35,328 --> 00:06:36,296 I'm like-- I'm on the ladder. 167 00:06:36,464 --> 00:06:37,798 I got-- I got this. I'm cool. 168 00:06:37,965 --> 00:06:39,767 (computer voice) Thank you for holding. 169 00:06:39,900 --> 00:06:41,602 (Ilana) (bleep) you, robot! 170 00:06:41,702 --> 00:06:43,336 (tires screech) 171 00:06:43,471 --> 00:06:44,705 Come on, let's hurry up. 172 00:06:44,872 --> 00:06:46,807 I gotta get home and feed my Oscar fish. 173 00:06:46,974 --> 00:06:48,676 Are we just leaving it? 174 00:06:48,809 --> 00:06:51,178 Let's see... oh. 175 00:06:51,344 --> 00:06:53,481 Hey, you guys know that television show "Friends"? 176 00:06:53,614 --> 00:06:56,984 Yes. Oh, my God. 177 00:06:57,117 --> 00:06:59,252 It's a great show, right? 178 00:06:59,386 --> 00:07:01,489 Here's this place. 179 00:07:06,694 --> 00:07:09,396 (computer voice) Welcome to Ideal Media. You are next in line. 180 00:07:09,530 --> 00:07:10,664 Hello? Hello? 181 00:07:10,798 --> 00:07:11,732 (computer voice) But it is no guarantee. 182 00:07:11,865 --> 00:07:12,866 Hi-- (sighs) 183 00:07:13,033 --> 00:07:14,968 Hel-- I'll be right in. (computer chime) 184 00:07:15,068 --> 00:07:16,670 (man on phone) Hello, how can I help you? 185 00:07:16,770 --> 00:07:18,506 Oh-- oh my goodness. 186 00:07:18,606 --> 00:07:20,073 Are you a human being? Hello? 187 00:07:20,207 --> 00:07:21,575 (man) Yes, I am. How can I help you? 188 00:07:21,675 --> 00:07:22,743 Oh... 189 00:07:22,876 --> 00:07:23,944 The good news is, 190 00:07:24,111 --> 00:07:25,513 the landlords are gonna repaint, 191 00:07:25,579 --> 00:07:26,614 and you get to pick the color. 192 00:07:26,780 --> 00:07:28,782 I would suggest red. 193 00:07:28,949 --> 00:07:29,950 More good news. 194 00:07:30,083 --> 00:07:31,819 The walls are super thick. 195 00:07:31,919 --> 00:07:33,220 Listen. 196 00:07:33,353 --> 00:07:34,588 (solid thuds) 197 00:07:34,722 --> 00:07:35,889 (shouting) Help! 198 00:07:36,056 --> 00:07:37,825 Please call the police! 199 00:07:37,958 --> 00:07:39,426 They tied me up! 200 00:07:39,593 --> 00:07:41,562 I think they're Filipino! 201 00:07:41,729 --> 00:07:44,632 They took my baby! 202 00:07:44,732 --> 00:07:47,901 (sobbing hysterically) 203 00:07:48,001 --> 00:07:49,336 (man) You're still being charged 204 00:07:49,537 --> 00:07:51,138 because you returned the cable box, but not the remote. 205 00:07:51,271 --> 00:07:53,140 So I'm being charged $100 a month 206 00:07:53,273 --> 00:07:55,108 for a remote control? 207 00:07:55,242 --> 00:07:56,744 I have no idea where that is. 208 00:07:56,844 --> 00:07:58,546 Well, you're gonna have to track it down 209 00:07:58,679 --> 00:08:00,948 or you'll keep being charged... forever. 210 00:08:01,081 --> 00:08:02,983 (sobbing hysterically) 211 00:08:03,116 --> 00:08:04,818 See? 212 00:08:04,985 --> 00:08:06,419 You could scream all night long, 213 00:08:06,587 --> 00:08:08,556 neighbor won't even hear a thing. 214 00:08:08,656 --> 00:08:09,690 This isn't working for me. 215 00:08:09,823 --> 00:08:10,724 I'm gonna go on Craigslist. 216 00:08:10,858 --> 00:08:12,660 No, please, I really need the money. 217 00:08:12,826 --> 00:08:13,794 They're gonna break my legs! 218 00:08:13,927 --> 00:08:15,563 I'm sorry, I just gotta do this on my own. 219 00:08:15,629 --> 00:08:16,897 Wait... no! 220 00:08:17,030 --> 00:08:21,301 Nooooo... 221 00:08:21,401 --> 00:08:23,336 (silence) 222 00:08:23,436 --> 00:08:27,074 The walls are really thick. 223 00:08:29,342 --> 00:08:30,778 I don't understand this, Ilana. 224 00:08:30,878 --> 00:08:32,980 It's like you have a thousand socks, 225 00:08:33,080 --> 00:08:34,381 but no underwear in the underwears drawer. 226 00:08:34,481 --> 00:08:35,583 You don't have to tell me. 227 00:08:35,616 --> 00:08:37,751 I don't know where my underwear goes. 228 00:08:37,851 --> 00:08:39,086 That's why I'm always going commando. 229 00:08:39,186 --> 00:08:40,888 Oh, is this it? No. 230 00:08:41,054 --> 00:08:42,455 That's my old dictaphone from high school. 231 00:08:42,590 --> 00:08:44,925 Is a dick phone? Dic-ta-phone. 232 00:08:45,025 --> 00:08:47,828 Oh, I was... "Hello? Hello, Dick." 233 00:08:47,928 --> 00:08:50,397 (Ilana's voice on tape) Great idea number nine. 234 00:08:50,497 --> 00:08:52,666 It's like Facebook, but just for photos. 235 00:08:52,766 --> 00:08:54,501 (inhaling, exhaling doing bong hit) 236 00:08:54,602 --> 00:08:56,436 I guess it could be videos, too, 237 00:08:56,604 --> 00:08:57,771 but mostly photos. 238 00:08:57,871 --> 00:08:58,806 (dictaphone off) 239 00:08:58,906 --> 00:09:01,208 Ilana, you invented the Instagram. 240 00:09:01,308 --> 00:09:03,677 That's insane. 241 00:09:03,777 --> 00:09:05,813 I bet I was high the last time I had my remote. 242 00:09:05,913 --> 00:09:08,181 Like, for sure! Yeah, yeah. 243 00:09:08,281 --> 00:09:11,184 Like, certainly. Certainly, yes. 244 00:09:11,351 --> 00:09:13,320 Maybe if I get high again I'll remember where I put it. 245 00:09:13,420 --> 00:09:15,088 Aren't you already high? 246 00:09:15,188 --> 00:09:16,389 I-- I mean, like, more high. 247 00:09:16,489 --> 00:09:18,892 Is "higher." "Highest." 248 00:09:18,992 --> 00:09:24,998 * 249 00:09:28,435 --> 00:09:30,704 Last year, Brooklyn. 250 00:09:30,804 --> 00:09:33,106 My old apartment on Flatbush. 251 00:09:36,109 --> 00:09:39,312 Living room... couch. 252 00:09:39,446 --> 00:09:41,715 Sex on the couch. 253 00:09:45,653 --> 00:09:49,189 Bad sex. Really bad sex. 254 00:09:49,322 --> 00:09:52,660 The worst sex. Dale! 255 00:09:52,793 --> 00:09:55,228 Eww... 256 00:09:55,362 --> 00:09:56,864 Dale. 257 00:09:57,030 --> 00:09:59,833 (buzzing) 258 00:09:59,967 --> 00:10:02,002 Thank you so much for coming with me again. 259 00:10:02,135 --> 00:10:04,371 Ilana can't find her remote, so-- 260 00:10:04,537 --> 00:10:06,373 Also, I'm terrified of Craigslist. 261 00:10:06,473 --> 00:10:08,541 If it ever gets weird, I'll get you out of there. 262 00:10:08,642 --> 00:10:10,844 I don't want you moving in with a Craigslist killer. 263 00:10:10,944 --> 00:10:12,245 So scary. 264 00:10:12,345 --> 00:10:14,014 That dude just posted for women, 265 00:10:14,114 --> 00:10:15,482 and then just kills them. 266 00:10:15,582 --> 00:10:16,483 Or do you think he has sex with them 267 00:10:16,583 --> 00:10:17,718 and then kills them? 268 00:10:17,818 --> 00:10:21,254 Or did he kill them, then have sex with them? 269 00:10:21,354 --> 00:10:22,956 (man, over intercom) You're both right. 270 00:10:23,056 --> 00:10:25,492 Oh, sorry, this is Mark. Please, enter me. 271 00:10:25,558 --> 00:10:27,094 I mean, please, enter me. 272 00:10:27,194 --> 00:10:28,395 Please enter and come on up. 273 00:10:28,495 --> 00:10:29,529 (buzzer buzzing) 274 00:10:29,629 --> 00:10:30,998 All right. 275 00:10:35,602 --> 00:10:36,970 (phone line ringing) 276 00:10:37,070 --> 00:10:41,008 (cell phone vibrating) 277 00:10:41,108 --> 00:10:43,176 Ilana? Hey, Dale. 278 00:10:43,276 --> 00:10:45,578 How are you? 279 00:10:45,679 --> 00:10:47,681 I'm good, I'm good. 280 00:10:47,781 --> 00:10:48,982 Me, too. (chuckles) 281 00:10:49,116 --> 00:10:50,718 (inhales sharply) 282 00:10:50,851 --> 00:10:52,753 Uh, okay, so listen. 283 00:10:52,920 --> 00:10:55,422 Um, this is kind of an awkward conversation to have, 284 00:10:55,588 --> 00:10:57,490 But do you have... 285 00:10:57,624 --> 00:11:00,493 Herpes? Yeah, all over. 286 00:11:00,728 --> 00:11:02,796 What? I have herpes? 287 00:11:02,930 --> 00:11:04,264 That's not what I was calling about. 288 00:11:04,397 --> 00:11:06,366 Yeah, me neither. (chuckles) 289 00:11:06,466 --> 00:11:07,434 I thought you were someone else. 290 00:11:07,567 --> 00:11:10,070 Okay... 291 00:11:10,203 --> 00:11:12,072 Look, I was calling to ask 292 00:11:12,205 --> 00:11:13,540 if you have my cable remote. 293 00:11:13,741 --> 00:11:16,276 Uh, yeah, I-- 294 00:11:16,409 --> 00:11:18,011 I guess it might be around here somewhere. 295 00:11:18,145 --> 00:11:19,512 Okay, well, I need it. 296 00:11:19,646 --> 00:11:21,181 Why don't you come over? 297 00:11:21,348 --> 00:11:22,449 I'll make my encrusted salmon. 298 00:11:22,615 --> 00:11:25,018 Ew, no, just meet me in a public place. 299 00:11:25,152 --> 00:11:26,353 What about that Italian restaurant 300 00:11:26,519 --> 00:11:27,454 where our souls merged? 301 00:11:27,587 --> 00:11:29,556 Our souls never merged dude. 302 00:11:29,757 --> 00:11:31,358 Yeah, I know. 303 00:11:31,458 --> 00:11:33,861 (exhales) Jesus. 304 00:11:33,961 --> 00:11:36,363 Let's uh-- Let's meet at Washington Square Park. 305 00:11:36,463 --> 00:11:38,766 Like, 5:00? I'll be there. 306 00:11:38,866 --> 00:11:41,468 Yikes. 307 00:11:46,373 --> 00:11:49,676 (Mark) The room is available now. 308 00:11:49,777 --> 00:11:52,579 So this is the living room. 309 00:11:52,679 --> 00:11:54,547 Oh, man! 310 00:11:54,647 --> 00:11:56,649 Look how high these ceilings are. 311 00:11:56,784 --> 00:11:58,786 Check out this crown molding right there. 312 00:11:58,886 --> 00:12:02,189 That's priceless. Whoa. 313 00:12:02,355 --> 00:12:04,491 Oh, there's a massage table. 314 00:12:04,591 --> 00:12:06,559 Yeah, I'm taking classes at the Swedish Institute. 315 00:12:06,659 --> 00:12:07,995 Cool. Yeah. 316 00:12:08,095 --> 00:12:09,162 If you let me practice on you, 317 00:12:09,262 --> 00:12:12,499 I could knock a few dollars off the rent. 318 00:12:12,599 --> 00:12:14,701 Abbi, you gotta check out the sink. 319 00:12:14,802 --> 00:12:17,537 It's so deep, you could wash a baby in there. 320 00:12:17,704 --> 00:12:19,639 I have. 321 00:12:19,807 --> 00:12:20,974 Okay. 322 00:12:21,074 --> 00:12:24,144 So what's your shoe size? 323 00:12:24,311 --> 00:12:25,545 Nine. 324 00:12:25,645 --> 00:12:30,517 Hmm. Men's or women's? 325 00:12:30,617 --> 00:12:33,320 Hey, Lincoln, did you hear that cool question? 326 00:12:33,420 --> 00:12:35,255 Lincoln? Abbi, check it out. 327 00:12:35,355 --> 00:12:36,689 There's another room in here! 328 00:12:36,824 --> 00:12:38,291 This place is crazy! 329 00:12:38,391 --> 00:12:40,427 Okay, we gotta get out of here. Why? 330 00:12:40,527 --> 00:12:41,661 We're leaving. Why? 331 00:12:41,829 --> 00:12:42,863 We have to-- Ah! 332 00:12:42,963 --> 00:12:43,931 I see you found my breakfast nook. 333 00:12:44,031 --> 00:12:44,932 Yeah, man. 334 00:12:45,065 --> 00:12:46,599 It's a cool-ass, big-ass nook. 335 00:12:46,733 --> 00:12:47,935 The one bathroom is in there. 336 00:12:48,068 --> 00:12:50,037 But it's pretty much your private bathroom. 337 00:12:50,137 --> 00:12:50,838 I almost never go. 338 00:12:52,840 --> 00:12:54,307 Except when I do go, I really go. 339 00:12:54,474 --> 00:12:56,476 It's a major problem. 340 00:12:56,576 --> 00:12:57,677 You'll have to stay in a hotel for a couple days. 341 00:12:57,845 --> 00:12:59,512 I'll pay for it, of course. 342 00:12:59,612 --> 00:13:01,849 Lincoln, you wanna... help me? 343 00:13:01,915 --> 00:13:03,851 Oh, yeah. Sorry, Abbi, sorry. 344 00:13:03,917 --> 00:13:05,919 It's okay. 345 00:13:05,986 --> 00:13:07,020 What hotel? 346 00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:08,555 Holiday Inn Express? 347 00:13:08,655 --> 00:13:09,923 She'll take it. No. 348 00:13:10,023 --> 00:13:11,158 Thank you so much. Lovely place. 349 00:13:11,291 --> 00:13:12,392 Come on, we're leaving. 350 00:13:13,861 --> 00:13:14,761 (sniffing) 351 00:13:19,766 --> 00:13:21,935 (horn honks) 352 00:13:23,770 --> 00:13:25,038 Ilana! 353 00:13:25,138 --> 00:13:27,875 Oh... God... 354 00:13:27,875 --> 00:13:28,876 (chuckling) Hey. 355 00:13:29,009 --> 00:13:30,210 Here. Dale-- 356 00:13:30,343 --> 00:13:32,545 These are for you. "It's a boy"? 357 00:13:32,679 --> 00:13:34,647 It's all they had left at Key Foods. 358 00:13:34,781 --> 00:13:36,449 Okay... Okay... 359 00:13:36,583 --> 00:13:38,151 (straining) Okay, please... All right. 360 00:13:38,318 --> 00:13:39,887 Ilana, listen. 361 00:13:39,987 --> 00:13:41,154 You don't have to pretend anymore. 362 00:13:41,321 --> 00:13:43,056 I know why you left that remote. 363 00:13:43,156 --> 00:13:46,059 You want to get back together. 364 00:13:46,159 --> 00:13:47,294 And I'm in. 365 00:13:47,427 --> 00:13:51,899 Dale, we were never together! 366 00:13:51,965 --> 00:13:54,501 We were roommates who had sex 367 00:13:54,601 --> 00:13:56,403 a small handful of times 368 00:13:56,503 --> 00:13:57,938 because the train wasn't running 369 00:13:58,038 --> 00:13:59,239 to Manhattan on the weekends. 370 00:13:59,339 --> 00:14:01,408 Say the word, and I'll leave my fiancèe. 371 00:14:01,541 --> 00:14:02,542 You're engaged? 372 00:14:05,112 --> 00:14:08,181 And you brought her? What is wrong with you? 373 00:14:08,315 --> 00:14:09,449 Just say you'll give us a shot, 374 00:14:09,582 --> 00:14:10,918 and I'll give the driver a signal, 375 00:14:11,018 --> 00:14:15,488 and he will take her straight to Newark airport. 376 00:14:15,588 --> 00:14:17,190 Give me the remote. 377 00:14:19,826 --> 00:14:21,494 Come on. 378 00:14:21,594 --> 00:14:24,431 Thanks for the balloons. 379 00:14:24,531 --> 00:14:26,066 Please don't tell Amanda I told you I'd leave her. 380 00:14:26,166 --> 00:14:27,534 (scoffs) Please don't tell her 381 00:14:27,634 --> 00:14:29,302 I bought her a one-way ticket to Santa Fe. 382 00:14:29,402 --> 00:14:32,940 What? Please don't tell her I have herpes! 383 00:14:32,973 --> 00:14:34,975 Do I or do I not have herpes? 384 00:14:35,142 --> 00:14:37,710 I do, you don't. 385 00:14:37,810 --> 00:14:39,579 Oh, God! 386 00:14:43,850 --> 00:14:44,985 This is unreal. 387 00:14:45,085 --> 00:14:47,120 I can't believe I can get a room in Manhattan 388 00:14:47,220 --> 00:14:48,288 for 900 bucks a month. 389 00:14:48,388 --> 00:14:49,957 See, I told you you'd find something. 390 00:14:50,057 --> 00:14:51,124 This place is perfect. 391 00:14:51,224 --> 00:14:54,694 Hey, if she doesn't get the room, I might. 392 00:14:54,794 --> 00:14:56,263 No, I'm taking it. Stop. 393 00:14:56,363 --> 00:14:58,665 Well, we go to Priya's mom's beach house most weekends, 394 00:14:58,765 --> 00:15:00,433 so you'll have the place to yourself a lot. 395 00:15:00,533 --> 00:15:02,702 Wow. We make dinner every night, 396 00:15:02,802 --> 00:15:04,437 and our sex is on the quiet side. 397 00:15:04,537 --> 00:15:07,474 Yeah, so is mine, with myself, right? 398 00:15:07,574 --> 00:15:09,809 (laughter) Yeah! 399 00:15:09,977 --> 00:15:12,279 I think I speak for Priya when I say 400 00:15:12,379 --> 00:15:14,281 we would love to have you as a roommate. 401 00:15:14,381 --> 00:15:16,316 Yes, that would be awesome. 402 00:15:16,416 --> 00:15:18,218 Do I dare say we toast? 403 00:15:18,318 --> 00:15:19,786 I double dare ya! 404 00:15:19,886 --> 00:15:23,023 Let's do it. Thank you. 405 00:15:23,123 --> 00:15:26,259 To built-ins, countertops you can chop right on, 406 00:15:26,359 --> 00:15:29,629 and toilets with two flush buttons-- cheers. 407 00:15:29,729 --> 00:15:31,064 (laughter) Yeah. 408 00:15:31,164 --> 00:15:33,833 * SelectDate, SelectDate 409 00:15:34,001 --> 00:15:35,202 Oh, wait, this is the commercial. 410 00:15:35,302 --> 00:15:37,404 This is the illustration I was telling you guys about. 411 00:15:37,504 --> 00:15:38,905 Man, this is so cool. 412 00:15:39,006 --> 00:15:40,340 I did this. 413 00:15:40,507 --> 00:15:43,843 * 414 00:15:44,011 --> 00:15:47,247 Jack? 415 00:15:47,347 --> 00:15:49,016 (heavy thud) 416 00:15:49,116 --> 00:15:51,384 On a date with someone who isn't your type? 417 00:15:51,484 --> 00:15:53,720 They're just not like you. 418 00:15:53,886 --> 00:15:55,922 What does he mean, "not like you"? 419 00:15:56,023 --> 00:15:57,890 But with SelectDate, you get to choose 420 00:15:58,058 --> 00:15:59,659 from the cream of the crop. 421 00:15:59,759 --> 00:16:02,629 Because we only deal with the cream. 422 00:16:02,729 --> 00:16:04,764 * 423 00:16:04,931 --> 00:16:07,567 For whites who are single and ready to mingle. 424 00:16:07,667 --> 00:16:09,569 Oh... SelectDate, 425 00:16:09,669 --> 00:16:14,341 the final solution to your dating problems. 426 00:16:17,244 --> 00:16:19,579 What the (bleep), Abbi? 427 00:16:19,712 --> 00:16:21,481 No, no, that is not-- 428 00:16:21,614 --> 00:16:23,950 I wouldn't ever do something like that. 429 00:16:24,051 --> 00:16:26,586 (nervous chuckle) 'Cause I-- 430 00:16:26,686 --> 00:16:28,055 I just drew happy couples. 431 00:16:28,121 --> 00:16:30,123 Like, 'cause I love couples. I love people. 432 00:16:30,257 --> 00:16:32,059 I just love people. Like, I love, like-- 433 00:16:32,159 --> 00:16:33,393 I love all races. 434 00:16:33,560 --> 00:16:36,429 "Races," not "racists." 435 00:16:36,596 --> 00:16:37,664 You guys are-- I wouldn't-- 436 00:16:37,797 --> 00:16:39,366 And it's a-- 437 00:16:39,532 --> 00:16:40,967 It's probably not national. 438 00:16:41,101 --> 00:16:43,436 It's just like, um-- Probably it's just-- 439 00:16:43,570 --> 00:16:47,207 (sighs) I'm so sorry. 440 00:16:47,340 --> 00:16:48,441 I don't know her that well. 441 00:16:48,608 --> 00:16:50,743 I'm just-- I'm bonin' her friend, 442 00:16:50,877 --> 00:16:52,479 and so I just hang out with her. 443 00:16:52,645 --> 00:16:53,513 You know how you gotta hang out 444 00:16:53,646 --> 00:16:55,115 with your girl's friends? 445 00:16:59,752 --> 00:17:01,388 Hmm. 446 00:17:02,955 --> 00:17:06,526 No, this is the wrong remote. 447 00:17:06,659 --> 00:17:08,895 What must I do? 448 00:17:09,096 --> 00:17:10,130 What do you want from me? 449 00:17:10,297 --> 00:17:12,532 Look, lady, this is the wrong remote, 450 00:17:12,632 --> 00:17:13,933 and this is the right remote. 451 00:17:14,101 --> 00:17:16,536 Okay, you gotta get the right remote. 452 00:17:16,669 --> 00:17:17,904 I had to find out I may or may not have herpes 453 00:17:18,105 --> 00:17:20,273 to get this remote! 454 00:17:20,373 --> 00:17:21,274 Can I speak to your manager, please? 455 00:17:21,408 --> 00:17:23,243 Oh, I am the manager. 456 00:17:23,376 --> 00:17:24,944 I also do billing, installation programming, 457 00:17:25,112 --> 00:17:26,913 and I compose the "on hold" music. 458 00:17:27,114 --> 00:17:28,248 You composed this music? 459 00:17:28,381 --> 00:17:30,550 Oh, no, no, this is the "waiting room" music. 460 00:17:30,650 --> 00:17:33,353 I compose that too. 461 00:17:33,486 --> 00:17:36,489 I'm actually the only person who works here. 462 00:17:36,656 --> 00:17:39,159 Yikes. 463 00:17:39,259 --> 00:17:40,560 Okay, what are my options? 464 00:17:40,693 --> 00:17:42,629 You can either mail in a check for $1,000, 465 00:17:42,729 --> 00:17:44,697 or come in person and pay $5. 466 00:17:44,831 --> 00:17:46,466 You're only the fifth person ever to come in. 467 00:17:46,599 --> 00:17:47,500 Oh... 468 00:17:47,634 --> 00:17:48,968 Here. 469 00:17:49,136 --> 00:17:50,137 I can pay in quarters, right? 470 00:17:50,303 --> 00:17:52,272 Oh, actually, no. Our system's down 471 00:17:52,405 --> 00:17:53,906 and we only take nickels. 472 00:17:54,040 --> 00:17:56,476 Sorry. 473 00:17:56,643 --> 00:17:58,211 Oh, and you know what? I hate your music. 474 00:18:00,147 --> 00:18:01,714 So do I. 475 00:18:08,388 --> 00:18:10,190 Oh, my God. 476 00:18:20,500 --> 00:18:22,569 Hey, Abidab, 477 00:18:22,702 --> 00:18:25,572 I really wanted to apologize for last night. 478 00:18:25,705 --> 00:18:28,007 We don't need to get into it. 479 00:18:28,175 --> 00:18:30,910 Well, I did make you these bagel bites. 480 00:18:31,010 --> 00:18:33,012 I put 'em in the shape of an "A" because 481 00:18:33,180 --> 00:18:35,215 I know how you like to label your food. 482 00:18:35,315 --> 00:18:37,350 Listen, when you came in last night, 483 00:18:37,450 --> 00:18:39,719 and-- and I was touching myself... 484 00:18:39,819 --> 00:18:40,787 Can we please not? 485 00:18:40,887 --> 00:18:42,555 So... Well, let me just-- 486 00:18:42,689 --> 00:18:44,591 I really want to explain. 487 00:18:44,691 --> 00:18:46,058 See, I was pleasuring myself. 488 00:18:46,226 --> 00:18:47,059 I don't need to-- 489 00:18:47,194 --> 00:18:48,728 I like to start off slow, okay. 490 00:18:48,861 --> 00:18:51,398 And then I like to work the tempo up and up and up. 491 00:18:51,498 --> 00:18:53,366 And I'll-- I'll lick a thumb... Seriously, I-- This is-- 492 00:18:53,466 --> 00:18:55,067 ... and then sort of brush it lightly 493 00:18:55,202 --> 00:18:57,304 against the nipples. Why are we going over this? 494 00:18:57,404 --> 00:18:58,838 And then, there's a-- There's a-- 495 00:18:58,971 --> 00:19:01,274 You know, in the (bleep), or whatever you call it, 496 00:19:01,408 --> 00:19:02,909 there's a sort of a (bleep) there. 497 00:19:03,042 --> 00:19:05,712 I like to apply pressure to that slowly. 498 00:19:05,845 --> 00:19:08,448 And then right when I'm (bleep), I (bleep), 499 00:19:08,581 --> 00:19:11,384 then I (bleep) into the (bleep), hard, hard, hard. 500 00:19:11,518 --> 00:19:13,686 And then I (bleep), and it just-- 501 00:19:13,820 --> 00:19:15,788 You know, it-- it-- it-- 502 00:19:15,922 --> 00:19:18,057 It's a very powerful feeling. 503 00:19:18,225 --> 00:19:21,127 Whoa, cool shirt. 504 00:19:25,398 --> 00:19:26,799 (sighs heavily) 505 00:19:30,570 --> 00:19:32,505 I know Sour Patch Kids are good. 506 00:19:32,639 --> 00:19:34,307 Oh, Lincoln, I don't have herpes, 507 00:19:34,441 --> 00:19:36,243 and neither do you-- that's all. 508 00:19:36,409 --> 00:19:38,311 Ilana, there is a child right here. 509 00:19:38,445 --> 00:19:40,146 Please. We're in New York. 510 00:19:40,313 --> 00:19:41,348 And you're, like, 12, right? 511 00:19:41,481 --> 00:19:43,616 I'm seven, and you're being inappropriate. 512 00:19:43,783 --> 00:19:45,318 Bitch, you're 22. 513 00:19:45,418 --> 00:19:48,921 Okay, listen, your dentist and I, um, 514 00:19:49,021 --> 00:19:52,124 have been having... sexual intercourse 515 00:19:52,292 --> 00:19:53,726 on the regular for about five months-- 516 00:19:53,826 --> 00:19:56,162 Ilana, it's been a year and a half! 517 00:19:56,329 --> 00:19:58,130 For real? 18 months. 518 00:19:58,298 --> 00:20:00,767 God. 519 00:20:00,933 --> 00:20:02,735 Don't do drugs. 520 00:20:02,835 --> 00:20:04,804 That's-- That's the takeaway. 521 00:20:04,937 --> 00:20:06,439 Don't do drugs. 522 00:20:06,573 --> 00:20:09,008 It's like I have no memories, man. 523 00:20:09,175 --> 00:20:10,510 I can't remember a thing! 524 00:20:10,610 --> 00:20:13,145 I wake up, I'm like aah! It's scary. 525 00:20:13,280 --> 00:20:15,415 I just, like, don't know where I am a lot of the time. 526 00:20:15,515 --> 00:20:17,784 I can't find that remote. I-- I-- 527 00:20:17,917 --> 00:20:19,051 I'm missing hundreds of pairs of underwear. 528 00:20:19,151 --> 00:20:20,119 Literally hundreds. 529 00:20:20,287 --> 00:20:21,554 You never found the right remote? 530 00:20:21,654 --> 00:20:23,423 No. 531 00:20:23,590 --> 00:20:26,025 But wherever it is, I hope it's happy. 532 00:20:26,125 --> 00:20:29,228 (heavy door slams) 533 00:20:29,362 --> 00:20:32,231 ('50s doo-wop song playing) 534 00:20:32,332 --> 00:20:38,371 * 535 00:20:43,543 --> 00:20:49,316 * And you were the one 536 00:20:49,416 --> 00:20:52,352 * Oh oh oh 537 00:20:52,485 --> 00:20:57,824 * I tremble inside... 538 00:20:57,990 --> 00:21:03,996 * 539 00:21:27,487 --> 00:21:28,721 I understand.