1 00:00:08,576 --> 00:00:09,743 Oh, my goodness. 2 00:00:09,777 --> 00:00:11,045 This dude Brian Nicholera I went to high school with 3 00:00:11,079 --> 00:00:13,747 just friended me, he just moved here. Oh, my God. 4 00:00:13,781 --> 00:00:16,050 People from high school only friend you, like, 5 00:00:16,084 --> 00:00:18,886 after business hours if they wanna hook up. 6 00:00:18,919 --> 00:00:20,821 Really? I had a huge crush on him. 7 00:00:20,854 --> 00:00:23,491 Oh, you should ask him out. I can't just do that. 8 00:00:23,524 --> 00:00:26,760 Oh, my God, he "likes" "Roseanne." 9 00:00:26,794 --> 00:00:27,995 Okay, this is-- 10 00:00:28,028 --> 00:00:30,064 This is your new sexual partner. 11 00:00:30,098 --> 00:00:32,366 All right, I'm asking him out. 12 00:00:32,400 --> 00:00:35,703 I'm just gonna do it. Do it. 13 00:00:35,736 --> 00:00:37,205 This is so great. 14 00:00:37,238 --> 00:00:40,974 Like, why are we waiting for guys to come to us, Ilana? 15 00:00:41,008 --> 00:00:43,544 Did Amelia Earhart wait to be 16 00:00:43,577 --> 00:00:44,978 asked to fly around the world? 17 00:00:45,012 --> 00:00:46,947 Definitely not. 18 00:00:46,980 --> 00:00:48,816 She asked. 19 00:00:48,849 --> 00:00:50,751 And then they said no. 20 00:00:50,784 --> 00:00:52,320 But she still did it. 21 00:00:52,353 --> 00:00:54,488 And she died, but she, like, died doing it. 22 00:00:54,522 --> 00:00:55,789 (Abbi) Exactly. 23 00:00:55,823 --> 00:00:57,458 I'm doing it again, I'm asking someone else out. 24 00:00:57,491 --> 00:00:59,527 This is the Abbi I love and fell in love with 25 00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:00,928 and I'm obsessed with. 26 00:01:00,961 --> 00:01:02,130 Skylar Cummings- Conkelmann, 27 00:01:02,130 --> 00:01:03,331 I used to babysit for him. 28 00:01:03,364 --> 00:01:04,865 He was adorable. 29 00:01:04,898 --> 00:01:06,567 He's... 30 00:01:06,600 --> 00:01:08,436 Yeah, he's 20, that's acceptable. 31 00:01:08,469 --> 00:01:10,003 Troy Megliarino. 32 00:01:10,037 --> 00:01:13,207 He spent a hot sec in jail, but he lives in South Jersey 33 00:01:13,241 --> 00:01:15,209 and I know he'd steal a car and come up for the night. 34 00:01:15,243 --> 00:01:17,711 Chris Wazcyleski, he was a nude model 35 00:01:17,745 --> 00:01:19,647 in my life drawing class and he, like, 36 00:01:19,680 --> 00:01:22,150 always angled himself out to me. 37 00:01:22,150 --> 00:01:23,351 Chad Michael Fong. 38 00:01:23,384 --> 00:01:26,019 We met at a hardware store, he was disgusting. 39 00:01:26,053 --> 00:01:28,021 You know, I'm picking all white dudes right now. 40 00:01:28,055 --> 00:01:30,458 I must be craving pink dick. 41 00:01:30,491 --> 00:01:31,859 I'm gonna go with this. 42 00:01:31,892 --> 00:01:33,227 (Abbi) Okay, who else, who else? 43 00:01:33,261 --> 00:01:35,896 Henry Rowdenbush, had a unibrow all through middle school 44 00:01:35,929 --> 00:01:38,666 and then he started waxing it and all of a sudden it was like, 45 00:01:38,699 --> 00:01:40,534 glasses off, you're (bleep) gorgeous. 46 00:01:40,568 --> 00:01:41,735 It's like "She's All That." 47 00:01:41,769 --> 00:01:43,537 I feel like I'm on coke right now. 48 00:01:43,571 --> 00:01:44,672 P.J. Mallory. 49 00:01:44,705 --> 00:01:45,706 Bobby Cornhauser. 50 00:01:45,739 --> 00:01:47,175 Johnny Fissinger. Danny McCarrow. 51 00:01:47,175 --> 00:01:48,309 Ryan Long. 52 00:01:48,342 --> 00:01:49,543 Rod White. 53 00:01:49,577 --> 00:01:53,214 We are, like, feminist heroes right now. 54 00:01:55,983 --> 00:01:58,552 So, okay, that's 36 guys 55 00:01:58,586 --> 00:02:02,423 that we've been rejected by and one lady. 56 00:02:02,456 --> 00:02:04,225 Okay, so what, dude? You know what? 57 00:02:04,258 --> 00:02:05,593 The Internet is so '90s. 58 00:02:05,626 --> 00:02:08,429 Let's go find some guys IRL. 59 00:02:08,462 --> 00:02:10,030 You know, you can just say "in real life." 60 00:02:10,063 --> 00:02:11,932 It's the same number of syllables. 61 00:02:11,965 --> 00:02:14,202 * Four and three and two and one-one * 62 00:02:14,235 --> 00:02:17,205 * 63 00:02:19,640 --> 00:02:24,212 * Go in the city and we shiver close to the fire * 64 00:02:27,014 --> 00:02:28,316 I'm from Philly. 65 00:02:28,349 --> 00:02:29,483 Philadelphia. 66 00:02:29,517 --> 00:02:31,419 When I was five, I was actually an extra 67 00:02:31,452 --> 00:02:33,787 in the movie "Philadelphia." 68 00:02:33,821 --> 00:02:35,956 It filmed right near my dad's office. 69 00:02:35,989 --> 00:02:40,294 So I learned about AIDS before a lot of my friends. 70 00:02:40,328 --> 00:02:42,630 Yeah, this is her. 71 00:02:42,663 --> 00:02:44,698 There's Abbi again. 72 00:02:44,732 --> 00:02:46,367 Ugh, Abbi in outdoor lighting. 73 00:02:46,400 --> 00:02:48,369 We're best friends, and so, it's-- 74 00:02:48,402 --> 00:02:50,804 it's like, cool, you know. 75 00:02:50,838 --> 00:02:53,674 Cell phones are so close to being perfect, 76 00:02:53,707 --> 00:02:55,376 except that I just miss that there's like a-- 77 00:02:55,409 --> 00:02:57,245 Dial tone. Dial tone. 78 00:02:57,245 --> 00:02:59,780 Yes, are you kidding me? No, yeah. 79 00:02:59,813 --> 00:03:01,249 You're trying to make a connection with someone 80 00:03:01,282 --> 00:03:02,616 and there's no sound anymore. 81 00:03:02,650 --> 00:03:04,985 It's just like, hi, you're there. 82 00:03:05,018 --> 00:03:07,821 It's needed. Can I get your number? 83 00:03:07,855 --> 00:03:10,291 Yeah, yeah, sure. 84 00:03:10,324 --> 00:03:13,761 Yeah, just put it in my phone. Okay. 85 00:03:13,794 --> 00:03:16,530 Freeze, ass (bleep), don't move, don't breathe. 86 00:03:16,564 --> 00:03:18,266 When was the last time you were tested? 87 00:03:18,299 --> 00:03:21,101 Uh, last week? Oh, my God, great. 88 00:03:21,134 --> 00:03:23,371 Okay, she's gonna want to shower first, probably, 89 00:03:23,404 --> 00:03:26,340 and you know, just be patient, okay? Okay. 90 00:03:26,374 --> 00:03:28,776 Great. 91 00:03:28,809 --> 00:03:29,910 Hey, dude. 92 00:03:29,943 --> 00:03:32,780 You should have a sex with him. 93 00:03:32,813 --> 00:03:34,782 Tonight. Oh, yeah, what? 94 00:03:34,815 --> 00:03:36,116 Hey, Ilana. 95 00:03:36,149 --> 00:03:38,286 Hi. Yeah. 96 00:03:38,286 --> 00:03:40,087 So, all right, I'm out. 97 00:03:40,120 --> 00:03:41,322 You're just giving up? 98 00:03:41,355 --> 00:03:42,423 On the-- on the pink? 99 00:03:42,456 --> 00:03:44,057 Bitch, please. 100 00:03:44,091 --> 00:03:45,359 I haven't even started yet. 101 00:03:45,393 --> 00:03:48,095 Oh. 102 00:03:50,298 --> 00:03:53,934 * 103 00:04:11,585 --> 00:04:13,454 Bitch! 104 00:04:14,922 --> 00:04:16,223 She's really fun. Yeah. 105 00:04:16,324 --> 00:04:17,458 Yeah, no, she seems nice. 106 00:04:17,491 --> 00:04:19,360 Do you want to get a drink tomorrow? Yeah. 107 00:04:19,393 --> 00:04:21,395 Cool, I'll text you. Okay. 108 00:04:21,429 --> 00:04:22,796 You're not one of those hot girls that says 109 00:04:22,830 --> 00:04:26,500 she's gonna text and then doesn't, right? 110 00:04:26,534 --> 00:04:28,436 Are you still talking to me? Yeah. 111 00:04:28,469 --> 00:04:30,070 Yeah, no, I'm not. 112 00:04:30,103 --> 00:04:33,106 I mean, I-- I will text back. 113 00:04:33,140 --> 00:04:34,408 Great. Okay. 114 00:04:34,442 --> 00:04:38,011 I'll see you tomorrow. Okay, bye. 115 00:04:38,045 --> 00:04:39,680 Was anyone filming that? 116 00:04:39,713 --> 00:04:40,781 I'm the hot girl at this bar. 117 00:04:40,814 --> 00:04:42,916 Me, me is. 118 00:04:42,950 --> 00:04:45,519 Yes-- calling my mom. 119 00:04:46,820 --> 00:04:49,089 Where's my phone? Okay. 120 00:04:49,122 --> 00:04:50,658 Okay, where's my phone? 121 00:04:50,691 --> 00:04:52,025 Sir, have you seen a-- 122 00:04:52,059 --> 00:04:54,462 Is there a missing phone? 123 00:04:54,495 --> 00:04:57,365 So this is it. 124 00:04:57,398 --> 00:04:58,499 Nice apartment. 125 00:04:58,532 --> 00:04:59,667 (Ilana) Thanks. 126 00:04:59,700 --> 00:05:01,068 Got any roommates? 127 00:05:01,101 --> 00:05:03,571 Yeah, but his abuela's in the hospital, which sucks, 128 00:05:03,604 --> 00:05:07,240 but "Silver Linings Playbook," we have the place to ourselves. 129 00:05:08,442 --> 00:05:09,943 Dayum! 130 00:05:09,977 --> 00:05:12,946 That penis is pink. 131 00:05:20,120 --> 00:05:22,390 There's something I should tell you. 132 00:05:22,390 --> 00:05:26,126 I'm bisexual. 133 00:05:26,159 --> 00:05:28,596 That is true masculinity. 134 00:05:28,629 --> 00:05:32,633 You are truly evolved and I am truly wet. 135 00:05:32,666 --> 00:05:35,436 Just tell me you don't shave down there. 136 00:05:36,737 --> 00:05:39,206 Can you pick me up? Can you lift me up? 137 00:05:44,277 --> 00:05:45,278 Has anyone seen a phone? 138 00:05:45,312 --> 00:05:47,881 Is there a phone? 139 00:05:47,915 --> 00:05:50,117 (woman) Oh, my God, are you kidding me? 140 00:05:50,150 --> 00:05:52,453 Where is my phone? 141 00:05:52,486 --> 00:05:55,689 I lose my phone all the time, too. 142 00:05:55,723 --> 00:05:58,291 I mean, I don't, like, lose it, 143 00:05:58,325 --> 00:06:00,861 lose it, I just, like, I see it 144 00:06:00,894 --> 00:06:04,765 fall into the toilet, but... 145 00:06:06,434 --> 00:06:08,301 Okay. 146 00:06:09,537 --> 00:06:11,505 Could you turn the music off, please? 147 00:06:11,539 --> 00:06:14,307 Maybe when you turn it back on, some '90s hip-hop? 148 00:06:14,341 --> 00:06:15,809 Something cool. 149 00:06:15,843 --> 00:06:17,277 Okay, you guys, listen. 150 00:06:17,310 --> 00:06:18,846 I lost my phone. 151 00:06:18,879 --> 00:06:21,014 This guy is supposed to text me. 152 00:06:21,048 --> 00:06:23,617 He called me hot. 153 00:06:23,651 --> 00:06:26,019 So I'm cute, but you guys get it. 154 00:06:26,053 --> 00:06:27,721 Can you guys help me find it? 155 00:06:27,755 --> 00:06:29,322 Yes. 156 00:06:29,356 --> 00:06:31,191 I'm gonna need you to link arms. 157 00:06:31,224 --> 00:06:33,694 We're gonna sweep the bar. 158 00:06:37,798 --> 00:06:41,635 Mind if we take a break and I go down on you for 45 minutes? 159 00:06:41,669 --> 00:06:44,938 Don't ever let society change you. 160 00:06:49,577 --> 00:06:52,513 Yes, dude! 161 00:06:52,546 --> 00:06:56,116 So the volume's up louder than before, but we should keep 162 00:06:56,149 --> 00:07:00,220 searching, 'cause I would do it if it was your phone. 163 00:07:00,253 --> 00:07:01,755 No, sorry. 164 00:07:01,789 --> 00:07:03,924 We've all moved on. 165 00:07:03,957 --> 00:07:06,960 * 166 00:07:09,563 --> 00:07:11,298 (Abbi) This is Abbi, leave a message. (beep) 167 00:07:11,331 --> 00:07:13,066 Hey, this is Abbi, leave a message. (beep) 168 00:07:13,100 --> 00:07:14,502 Leave a message. (beep) 169 00:07:14,502 --> 00:07:17,270 Dude, I'm gonna be so pissed if you're dead, 170 00:07:17,304 --> 00:07:18,772 you've got to call me back. 171 00:07:18,806 --> 00:07:20,173 I'm freaking out. 172 00:07:20,207 --> 00:07:22,309 Morning, beautiful. Hi. 173 00:07:22,342 --> 00:07:23,777 You're-- 174 00:07:23,811 --> 00:07:24,945 You're really good at sex. 175 00:07:24,978 --> 00:07:26,980 Thanks, you too. Thanks. 176 00:07:27,014 --> 00:07:28,982 So I'm doing a show tonight if you wanna come. 177 00:07:29,016 --> 00:07:30,918 That's hot, you know, maybe. 178 00:07:30,951 --> 00:07:33,186 You know, I want to, I'm sorry, I just-- 179 00:07:33,220 --> 00:07:35,523 I'm pretty sure my best friend is dead right now and I am 180 00:07:35,523 --> 00:07:36,890 the one who let her go home with a stranger. 181 00:07:36,924 --> 00:07:38,759 She doesn't have, like, street smarts like me, you know, 182 00:07:38,792 --> 00:07:40,528 and no upper body strength. 183 00:07:40,528 --> 00:07:41,995 I gotta go, text me about it. 184 00:07:42,029 --> 00:07:45,098 Shut the door when you leave. 185 00:07:45,132 --> 00:07:48,669 It's "Tyler," right? Yeah. 186 00:07:48,702 --> 00:07:49,803 Hey, where at you? 187 00:07:49,837 --> 00:07:50,971 I'm at that dog shelter. 188 00:07:51,004 --> 00:07:52,540 Lincoln, just get a dog. 189 00:07:52,540 --> 00:07:54,174 Ilana, I can't inflict upon a dog 190 00:07:54,207 --> 00:07:56,109 the crazy life of a dentist. 191 00:07:56,143 --> 00:07:57,945 Anyway, Abbi's not picking up any of her calls, 192 00:07:57,978 --> 00:07:59,547 so I'm pretty sure she's dead. 193 00:07:59,547 --> 00:08:01,448 I need you to be my eyes and ears here. 194 00:08:01,549 --> 00:08:05,018 Stay on the local news, they only cover rapes and murders. 195 00:08:05,052 --> 00:08:06,419 She didn't even say "bye, Lincoln." 196 00:08:06,453 --> 00:08:07,588 That takes one more second. 197 00:08:07,621 --> 00:08:10,123 People have no phone etiquette these days. 198 00:08:10,157 --> 00:08:12,560 Abbi! 199 00:08:20,433 --> 00:08:22,035 Oh, my God. Oh, my God. 200 00:08:22,069 --> 00:08:23,571 What? You wouldn't pick up your phone. 201 00:08:23,571 --> 00:08:24,805 I thought you got SVU'd. 202 00:08:24,838 --> 00:08:27,207 No, dude, I'm fine, I just lost my phone. 203 00:08:27,240 --> 00:08:28,609 Remember that hot dude at the bar? 204 00:08:28,642 --> 00:08:29,643 He was supposed to text me, so now, I'm, like, 205 00:08:29,677 --> 00:08:30,944 never gonna hear from him again. 206 00:08:30,978 --> 00:08:31,979 Oh, my God. 207 00:08:32,012 --> 00:08:33,280 You should use the FindMyPhone app. 208 00:08:33,313 --> 00:08:34,915 I watch myself run around the city all the time on it. 209 00:08:34,948 --> 00:08:36,984 Oh, okay, well, we'll just do that. 210 00:08:37,017 --> 00:08:38,952 There's my phone, I knew it was stolen. 211 00:08:38,986 --> 00:08:40,721 Ugh. Okay, it's in Harlem. 212 00:08:40,754 --> 00:08:42,322 Great, let's go track it down. 213 00:08:42,355 --> 00:08:45,826 No, wait, wait, wait, it's moving south. 214 00:08:47,027 --> 00:08:49,763 It's in the Upper East Side. Oh, dude. 215 00:08:49,797 --> 00:08:53,601 I-- I don't want to go there. Must we? 216 00:08:53,601 --> 00:08:54,902 My son-in-law's such a disgrace. 217 00:08:54,935 --> 00:08:56,870 He went to Cornell. 218 00:08:56,904 --> 00:09:00,073 I'm fine with the tsunami, but not in St. Bart's. 219 00:09:00,107 --> 00:09:02,743 Anywhere else is fine. 220 00:09:02,776 --> 00:09:04,612 It's the tenth horse that died this year. 221 00:09:04,612 --> 00:09:07,147 That's ten horses I've had to replace. 222 00:09:07,180 --> 00:09:08,448 Why does anybody come up here? 223 00:09:08,481 --> 00:09:10,618 It is a horrible, vapid wasteland. 224 00:09:10,651 --> 00:09:12,620 Um, excuse me, where's the Met? 225 00:09:12,620 --> 00:09:13,954 Oh, right down here, you make a right. 226 00:09:13,987 --> 00:09:16,256 Yeah, you can't miss it. Thank you. 227 00:09:16,289 --> 00:09:17,858 Okay, your phone's heading west. 228 00:09:17,891 --> 00:09:19,226 We gotta hustle, 'cause Tyler's show's 229 00:09:19,259 --> 00:09:23,530 at 8:00 and I just bet he's the drummer. 230 00:09:23,631 --> 00:09:25,633 What are we supposed to do up here, like, 231 00:09:25,666 --> 00:09:28,636 get a caricature or something? 232 00:09:31,171 --> 00:09:33,440 (Ilana) Abbi, you should really wear a ball gown IRL. 233 00:09:33,473 --> 00:09:35,809 (Abbi) Ilana, come on, my soul mate could've texted me. 234 00:09:35,843 --> 00:09:37,711 We've gotta get my phone, someone here has it. 235 00:09:37,745 --> 00:09:38,846 You know what? I'll call it, 236 00:09:38,879 --> 00:09:40,447 listen for the vibration. Okay. 237 00:09:40,480 --> 00:09:42,783 It's ringing. 238 00:09:45,653 --> 00:09:46,787 Ooh! 239 00:09:46,820 --> 00:09:50,490 Oh, my God, I thought this was my bag. 240 00:09:50,523 --> 00:09:52,459 I had this-- this-- 241 00:09:52,492 --> 00:09:54,161 I had one. 242 00:09:54,194 --> 00:09:55,796 This is mine, though. 243 00:09:55,829 --> 00:09:57,798 This is the mine, this is easy to-- 244 00:09:57,831 --> 00:10:01,835 Okay Ab, I have an idea and it's hot. 245 00:10:01,869 --> 00:10:03,070 Ilana. 246 00:10:03,103 --> 00:10:04,204 Are you kidding me? Ilana, stop. 247 00:10:04,237 --> 00:10:06,039 No, this park is full of pervs. 248 00:10:06,073 --> 00:10:07,474 Get ready, because everybody's gonna whip 249 00:10:07,507 --> 00:10:09,009 their phone out. Dude. 250 00:10:09,042 --> 00:10:10,978 and we're gonna find yours in three, two, one. Oh, my God. 251 00:10:11,011 --> 00:10:12,713 Okay. Find your phone. 252 00:10:12,746 --> 00:10:14,848 (Abbi) All right, you're doing this right now, okay. Find your phone. 253 00:10:14,882 --> 00:10:16,684 This is crazy right now. 254 00:10:16,717 --> 00:10:19,152 Only in NYC! 255 00:10:19,186 --> 00:10:23,523 If I were you, I'd pull my phone out and take a pic! 256 00:10:23,556 --> 00:10:26,193 Why is no one taking a picture of her? 257 00:10:26,226 --> 00:10:29,663 That girl's been here for hours. 258 00:10:29,697 --> 00:10:31,899 (Abbi) All right, well, I understand that. 259 00:10:31,932 --> 00:10:33,967 Oh, my God, the dot is over water. 260 00:10:34,001 --> 00:10:36,303 What? Oh, the lake. 261 00:10:36,336 --> 00:10:37,437 All right. 262 00:10:37,470 --> 00:10:40,640 What, are we following, like, some sort of duck? 263 00:10:40,674 --> 00:10:42,209 Hey, one of you stole our phone. 264 00:10:42,242 --> 00:10:44,712 We know you're in here! 265 00:10:44,745 --> 00:10:48,415 We live in an ugly city of monsters. 266 00:10:49,449 --> 00:10:50,951 The dot's moving south. 267 00:10:50,984 --> 00:10:53,020 Okay, let's go. Let's go. 268 00:10:53,053 --> 00:10:55,555 * 269 00:10:55,588 --> 00:10:56,824 We're close, dude. 270 00:10:56,857 --> 00:10:58,225 I can, like, smell it. 271 00:10:58,258 --> 00:10:59,459 Yeah, we just have to find it. 272 00:10:59,492 --> 00:11:02,195 Like, I need to get it, 'cause I-- Wait, stop. 273 00:11:02,229 --> 00:11:03,997 Times Square, ew! 274 00:11:04,031 --> 00:11:06,867 We can't go in here, dude, it's-- it's too disgusting. 275 00:11:06,900 --> 00:11:08,802 Ilana, we have to, he called me hot. 276 00:11:08,836 --> 00:11:10,904 Like, we're going in. 277 00:11:10,938 --> 00:11:12,906 What? 278 00:11:12,940 --> 00:11:14,742 Oh, my God. What? 279 00:11:14,775 --> 00:11:17,144 It's gone. 280 00:11:17,177 --> 00:11:18,511 Oh, my God. 281 00:11:18,545 --> 00:11:20,447 I bet my battery died. 282 00:11:20,480 --> 00:11:22,282 I'm never gonna see him again, I mean. 283 00:11:22,315 --> 00:11:23,751 I am so sorry, dude. 284 00:11:23,751 --> 00:11:24,852 It's gonna be unfair to whoever I marry, 285 00:11:24,885 --> 00:11:25,886 because I'll probably, 286 00:11:25,919 --> 00:11:27,755 like, always compare them to Ben. 287 00:11:27,755 --> 00:11:29,456 It's gonna just tear us apart immediately, 288 00:11:29,489 --> 00:11:31,391 or throughout. 289 00:11:31,424 --> 00:11:32,760 We could go to Tyler's show. 290 00:11:32,793 --> 00:11:35,763 I think he's in a boy band, so. 291 00:11:35,763 --> 00:11:38,766 All right, just give me a sec. 292 00:11:38,766 --> 00:11:41,534 Goodbye, Ben something. 293 00:11:41,568 --> 00:11:43,370 I think-- I guess we'll always have that beer. 294 00:11:43,403 --> 00:11:44,504 I thought it was-- 295 00:11:44,537 --> 00:11:45,873 It was fun, it was just fun, you know? 296 00:11:45,906 --> 00:11:47,574 It just, like, fit, and I felt like-- Move! 297 00:11:47,607 --> 00:11:49,209 Oh! Jesus. 298 00:11:49,242 --> 00:11:50,443 What? 299 00:11:50,477 --> 00:11:52,445 (bleep) you both, you yuppie trash! No, what? 300 00:11:52,479 --> 00:11:53,480 Tax the rich! 301 00:11:55,983 --> 00:11:57,818 Dude, I-- I thought he was in a band. 302 00:11:57,851 --> 00:11:59,686 I didn't know this was gonna be, like an improv show. 303 00:11:59,787 --> 00:12:02,222 Yeah, me too, I don't know. 304 00:12:02,255 --> 00:12:06,193 What's hotter than a pink dick with a sense of humor? 305 00:12:06,226 --> 00:12:09,662 I mean, a black dick, but... 306 00:12:09,696 --> 00:12:12,032 You know that you're so anti-racist sometimes 307 00:12:12,065 --> 00:12:13,901 that you're actually really racist? 308 00:12:13,934 --> 00:12:16,036 Huh. 309 00:12:19,973 --> 00:12:21,809 (man) All right, thank you all for coming. 310 00:12:21,809 --> 00:12:23,811 We are Statutory Crepe. 311 00:12:23,811 --> 00:12:26,479 Everything you're about to see will be fully improvised. 312 00:12:26,513 --> 00:12:28,581 All we need to get started is one word. 313 00:12:28,615 --> 00:12:31,919 (man) Eggroll! I heard "eggroll." 314 00:12:31,952 --> 00:12:34,955 Dude. 315 00:12:34,988 --> 00:12:37,190 Mom. Yes, son? 316 00:12:37,224 --> 00:12:41,394 I need to talk to you about my penis. 317 00:12:41,428 --> 00:12:42,863 Yes, son? 318 00:12:42,896 --> 00:12:45,198 I love answering questions about penises, 319 00:12:45,232 --> 00:12:47,500 even though I have a vagina! 320 00:12:47,534 --> 00:12:50,003 Ha ha ha! 321 00:12:51,671 --> 00:12:53,941 How much for this shirt? I can-- 322 00:12:53,974 --> 00:12:58,245 One million dollars. 323 00:12:58,278 --> 00:12:59,646 I'm embarrassed that I'm here. 324 00:12:59,679 --> 00:13:01,581 I'm embarrassed that he was inside of me. 325 00:13:01,614 --> 00:13:04,484 (animal noises) 326 00:13:04,517 --> 00:13:06,453 I'm not watching this by myself, get-- 327 00:13:06,486 --> 00:13:07,654 (Ilana) You should come down here. 328 00:13:07,687 --> 00:13:09,957 Sit in your seat, you brought me here. 329 00:13:11,691 --> 00:13:12,960 Oh, my God. 330 00:13:12,993 --> 00:13:14,261 Scene! 331 00:13:14,294 --> 00:13:15,595 We're gonna take a quick break and be back 332 00:13:15,628 --> 00:13:18,298 with another hour of Statutory Crepe! 333 00:13:18,331 --> 00:13:22,035 Woohoo! 334 00:13:22,069 --> 00:13:24,471 (Ilana) Oh, my God, that was the worst thing I've ever seen. 335 00:13:24,504 --> 00:13:26,306 I feel like I've been hate-crimed. 336 00:13:26,339 --> 00:13:28,208 Oh, my God! The dot's back! 337 00:13:28,241 --> 00:13:29,943 (Abbi) Ew, it's still in Times Square! 338 00:13:29,977 --> 00:13:31,144 I bet the freak was seeing a play 339 00:13:31,178 --> 00:13:32,745 and turned it off to be polite. 340 00:13:32,779 --> 00:13:33,746 Oh, my God, dude. 341 00:13:33,780 --> 00:13:34,882 Times Square, Central Park? 342 00:13:34,915 --> 00:13:36,917 Upper East Side, means it's a tourist. 343 00:13:36,950 --> 00:13:38,085 Ew! 344 00:13:38,118 --> 00:13:39,752 The dot's moving down Eighth Ave. 345 00:13:39,786 --> 00:13:41,121 What tourist spot is down there? 346 00:13:41,154 --> 00:13:42,222 I don't know, but let's get out of here 347 00:13:42,255 --> 00:13:45,058 before Jerry Lewis sees you again. 348 00:13:45,092 --> 00:13:47,494 (Ilana) Oh, my God, oh! 349 00:13:47,527 --> 00:13:48,996 I've been pulled back in. 350 00:13:49,029 --> 00:13:50,797 It's too-- I can't-- I can't not. 351 00:13:50,898 --> 00:13:51,999 I can't say no. 352 00:13:52,032 --> 00:13:53,266 Okay, you go with Dr. Evil, because 353 00:13:53,300 --> 00:13:55,368 I just figured out where the thief took my phone, 354 00:13:55,402 --> 00:13:58,205 the last place every tourist goes. 355 00:13:58,238 --> 00:14:00,207 The airport? No, not-- 356 00:14:00,240 --> 00:14:02,342 Not literally the last place. 357 00:14:02,375 --> 00:14:03,776 Magnolia Bakery. 358 00:14:03,810 --> 00:14:04,978 Right, right, right, right. Right? 359 00:14:05,012 --> 00:14:06,379 Yeah, do it. Okay, I'm going. 360 00:14:06,413 --> 00:14:07,547 Get your hot piece. All right, I'm going. 361 00:14:07,580 --> 00:14:08,781 Get it. 362 00:14:08,815 --> 00:14:10,517 Hey! 363 00:14:10,550 --> 00:14:12,920 Oh! Oh. 364 00:14:18,458 --> 00:14:20,493 (woman) Wait, you guys don't have wine? 365 00:14:20,527 --> 00:14:22,162 What about white wine? 366 00:14:22,195 --> 00:14:23,596 You, you have my phone. 367 00:14:23,630 --> 00:14:25,198 Oh, my God, hey! 368 00:14:25,232 --> 00:14:27,134 How did you find out about this place? 369 00:14:27,167 --> 00:14:28,535 I thought it was a secret. 370 00:14:28,568 --> 00:14:30,770 Okay, can you please check your bag for my phone? 371 00:14:30,803 --> 00:14:32,505 This is, like, an emergency. 372 00:14:32,539 --> 00:14:36,743 Oh, my God, look, a Mike and Ike. 373 00:14:36,776 --> 00:14:40,180 Oh, no, wait, that was, like, a pinto bean. 374 00:14:40,213 --> 00:14:42,950 High-five. All right. 375 00:14:42,950 --> 00:14:44,051 You know what? 376 00:14:44,084 --> 00:14:45,953 I'm gonna help you out, okay great, great. 377 00:14:45,953 --> 00:14:48,621 So this is my phone, this is your phone. 378 00:14:48,655 --> 00:14:50,257 My phone, your phone, okay? 379 00:14:50,290 --> 00:14:52,459 There's two. Oh, my God. 380 00:14:52,492 --> 00:14:54,727 I must have taken that on incident. 381 00:14:54,761 --> 00:14:56,363 I swear. 382 00:14:56,396 --> 00:14:57,630 Like, that makes sense 'cause I called 383 00:14:57,664 --> 00:14:59,066 my mom and she was like, 384 00:14:59,099 --> 00:15:00,433 way nicer than usual. 385 00:15:00,467 --> 00:15:02,970 I've been following you, like, all day today, 386 00:15:03,003 --> 00:15:05,305 I don't know how you didn't feel this vibrating at all. 387 00:15:05,338 --> 00:15:07,407 This purse is enormous. 388 00:15:07,440 --> 00:15:10,143 I carry it to make me look petite. 389 00:15:10,177 --> 00:15:11,979 Oh, my God, Ben texted me. 390 00:15:11,979 --> 00:15:13,713 Okay, 11:00. 391 00:15:13,746 --> 00:15:14,881 That's eight minutes. 392 00:15:14,982 --> 00:15:16,383 Okay. 393 00:15:16,416 --> 00:15:19,219 You know what? I'm gonna get a large banana pudding. 394 00:15:19,252 --> 00:15:20,287 Great, and she's gonna pay for it. 395 00:15:20,320 --> 00:15:21,288 Awesome. 396 00:15:21,321 --> 00:15:23,790 Wait, are you kidding? 397 00:15:23,823 --> 00:15:25,858 Wait, do you guys have red wine? 398 00:15:25,892 --> 00:15:28,628 (woman) Are you serious? This is a bakery. 399 00:15:28,661 --> 00:15:32,465 * Can you make me go ooh ooh ooh ahh * 400 00:15:32,499 --> 00:15:34,334 Can I get a one-word suggestion? 401 00:15:34,367 --> 00:15:37,004 I heard "cunnilingus." 402 00:15:40,573 --> 00:15:43,876 I've got a turtle head poking out! 403 00:15:47,614 --> 00:15:51,884 We also have lobster in the shell. 404 00:15:51,918 --> 00:15:54,021 No. 405 00:15:55,688 --> 00:16:00,593 I am a robot and I'm programmed to be horny. 406 00:16:05,198 --> 00:16:07,467 I made a poopy in my dipey. 407 00:16:07,500 --> 00:16:10,037 Oh, stop-- no, stop. 408 00:16:10,070 --> 00:16:11,804 What's wrong? 409 00:16:11,838 --> 00:16:13,240 Honestly, dude? 410 00:16:13,273 --> 00:16:17,777 You are so gorgeous and sexually skilled it's scary, 411 00:16:17,810 --> 00:16:26,119 but your improv show was just not good. 412 00:16:26,153 --> 00:16:28,455 That was one of our best shows. 413 00:16:28,488 --> 00:16:30,157 Shut up, you're an idiot. 414 00:16:30,190 --> 00:16:31,924 All right, (bleep) you. 415 00:16:31,958 --> 00:16:34,361 Thank you for your services. 416 00:16:34,394 --> 00:16:38,065 But seriously, thank you for your services, they were good. 417 00:16:38,065 --> 00:16:39,266 Whoa, whoa, just-- 418 00:16:39,299 --> 00:16:41,468 Don't put your shirt on before you leave. 419 00:16:41,501 --> 00:16:43,703 What's the point? 420 00:16:46,806 --> 00:16:48,208 I'm so sorry. 421 00:16:48,241 --> 00:16:50,610 Ben! 422 00:16:57,084 --> 00:16:59,686 (Ben) Oh, Abbi! 423 00:16:59,719 --> 00:17:01,154 Yes. 424 00:17:01,188 --> 00:17:02,255 Just give me a second. 425 00:17:02,289 --> 00:17:04,424 Oh, yeah. 426 00:17:04,457 --> 00:17:06,393 Just look away, I just need-- 427 00:17:06,426 --> 00:17:08,528 I ate banana pudding, I just-- 428 00:17:08,561 --> 00:17:11,798 I offer clients incentives to stay with the bank, so. 429 00:17:11,831 --> 00:17:13,366 Cool. 430 00:17:13,400 --> 00:17:14,367 You know, I used to have an office 431 00:17:14,401 --> 00:17:16,103 that didn't have a window. 432 00:17:16,103 --> 00:17:19,606 They just moved me into an office with a window. 433 00:17:19,639 --> 00:17:20,940 Oh, that's great. 434 00:17:20,973 --> 00:17:22,242 I mean, it's much better to have a window. 435 00:17:22,275 --> 00:17:24,544 Much better, I look out all the time. 436 00:17:24,577 --> 00:17:26,846 Yeah, yeah. 437 00:17:32,885 --> 00:17:35,288 Um so have you been here before? 438 00:17:35,322 --> 00:17:36,556 I have. 439 00:17:36,589 --> 00:17:38,125 About a year ago. 440 00:17:38,158 --> 00:17:41,561 Or... it was like two years ago. 441 00:17:41,594 --> 00:17:45,132 Cool. Or, no. 442 00:17:45,132 --> 00:17:48,735 That was like a year ago. 443 00:17:48,768 --> 00:17:52,905 13 months, 14, 13 months, 14 months. 444 00:17:53,906 --> 00:17:56,909 (phone vibrating) 445 00:17:56,943 --> 00:17:58,145 What's up, dude? 446 00:17:58,145 --> 00:18:00,046 They just found a dead girl on Riker's Island. 447 00:18:00,147 --> 00:18:01,148 Was it Abbi? 448 00:18:01,148 --> 00:18:02,249 Oh, no, no, no. 449 00:18:02,282 --> 00:18:03,483 Abbi's fine, I've been with her all day. 450 00:18:03,516 --> 00:18:05,285 What? Why didn't you tell me? 451 00:18:05,318 --> 00:18:07,920 I was worried, Abbi's my friend too. 452 00:18:07,954 --> 00:18:10,157 I was so worried, I baked a whole cake. 453 00:18:10,157 --> 00:18:11,924 And then I ate a whole cake. 454 00:18:11,958 --> 00:18:13,493 I'm-- I'm really sorry. 455 00:18:13,526 --> 00:18:15,662 You know, I got another cake cooking. 456 00:18:15,695 --> 00:18:17,964 You can come over and we can eat it. 457 00:18:17,997 --> 00:18:21,234 Or just smash our faces into it. 458 00:18:22,335 --> 00:18:24,737 * 459 00:18:24,771 --> 00:18:26,306 He was so boring. 460 00:18:26,339 --> 00:18:28,841 He told me the rules to some game, Settlers of Catan, 461 00:18:28,875 --> 00:18:31,311 for like, 40 minutes. 462 00:18:31,344 --> 00:18:33,980 Oh, God, that should take, like, ten minutes, tops. 463 00:18:34,013 --> 00:18:37,817 Don't worry, you'll have sexual intercourse very soon. 464 00:18:37,850 --> 00:18:40,787 Oh, no, I still slept with him. 465 00:18:40,820 --> 00:18:42,322 Oh! (Abbi) Yeah! 466 00:18:42,355 --> 00:18:44,191 Nice-- and you know what? 467 00:18:44,191 --> 00:18:45,825 I had a really sweet day with you, dude. 468 00:18:45,858 --> 00:18:47,026 Yeah, me too. 469 00:18:47,059 --> 00:18:48,295 Hey, I'm glad you're not dead, Abbi. 470 00:18:48,328 --> 00:18:49,596 Thanks, Lincoln. 471 00:18:49,629 --> 00:18:52,199 All right, so it is time for us to do it. 472 00:18:52,199 --> 00:18:53,533 Okay, wait, I want to watch. 473 00:18:53,566 --> 00:18:56,603 I know you do, 'cause you're a naughty little girl. 474 00:18:56,636 --> 00:18:59,306 Let's do this. 475 00:19:03,210 --> 00:19:04,577 Oh, man. 476 00:19:04,611 --> 00:19:06,579 Uh-oh, someone's making a cake mess. 477 00:19:06,613 --> 00:19:07,980 You know what's good for that? 478 00:19:08,014 --> 00:19:10,617 Is if you just get a napkin or a paper towel, 479 00:19:10,650 --> 00:19:11,984 or a thick napkin-- 480 00:19:12,018 --> 00:19:12,985 (Ilana) Oh, my God. It's just-- 481 00:19:13,019 --> 00:19:14,221 (Ilana) Please stop. 482 00:19:14,221 --> 00:19:15,655 Thanks. Okay. 483 00:19:15,688 --> 00:19:16,856 Goodbye. 484 00:19:16,889 --> 00:19:18,258 (Ilana) Bye! 485 00:19:18,291 --> 00:19:19,726 And learn Settlers of Catan. 486 00:19:19,759 --> 00:19:21,928 It's honestly not that hard. 487 00:19:23,530 --> 00:19:25,064 face that I hate. 488 00:19:25,097 --> 00:19:29,135 Oh. 489 00:19:29,236 --> 00:19:30,803 Oh, my God, it won't let me-- 490 00:19:30,837 --> 00:19:32,339 It says my storage is full. 491 00:19:32,372 --> 00:19:35,242 That sucks for you. 492 00:19:35,275 --> 00:19:37,544 What is... 493 00:19:37,577 --> 00:19:38,878 Look at this. 494 00:19:38,911 --> 00:19:40,680 Hi, baby. 495 00:19:40,713 --> 00:19:42,114 I am in a boat. 496 00:19:42,148 --> 00:19:46,253 Oh, my God, I love this city. 497 00:19:48,087 --> 00:19:49,256 Where is Central Park? 498 00:19:49,256 --> 00:19:50,657 (man) You're in it. Oh, my God. 499 00:19:50,690 --> 00:19:53,960 Central Perk. 500 00:19:53,993 --> 00:19:55,995 The one with Gunther. 501 00:19:56,028 --> 00:19:57,530 And "Smelly Cat"? 502 00:19:57,564 --> 00:20:00,132 (mumbling) 503 00:20:00,166 --> 00:20:01,501 Baby... 504 00:20:01,534 --> 00:20:05,705 I have a sweet surprise for you. 505 00:20:05,738 --> 00:20:07,474 Here it comes. 506 00:20:07,507 --> 00:20:08,908 She's gonna jerk off. 507 00:20:08,941 --> 00:20:10,343 No, no, no, no, no, we shouldn't watch it. 508 00:20:10,377 --> 00:20:11,578 Ilana, we should not watch it. 509 00:20:11,611 --> 00:20:13,846 This is not a time for prudeness, Abbi. Okay, fine! 510 00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:16,182 So you ready? 511 00:20:20,219 --> 00:20:23,189 (coughing) 512 00:20:26,359 --> 00:20:27,860 Oh. 513 00:20:27,894 --> 00:20:30,062 That was... you know? 514 00:20:30,096 --> 00:20:31,664 That was phenomenal. Oh, my God. 515 00:20:31,698 --> 00:20:34,200 Send that to my burner phone, that last one. 516 00:20:34,233 --> 00:20:35,468 You have a burner phone? 517 00:20:35,502 --> 00:20:36,803 You didn't know that? No. 518 00:20:36,836 --> 00:20:38,104 Why do you have that? 519 00:20:38,137 --> 00:20:40,607 For dick pics and sex media in general. 520 00:20:40,640 --> 00:20:42,442 Why would you need a phone from, like, 521 00:20:42,475 --> 00:20:43,843 "The Wire" for that? 522 00:20:43,876 --> 00:20:46,346 I'm still on my family plan and I don't fully understand 523 00:20:46,379 --> 00:20:48,415 the cloud and I don't trust it. 524 00:20:48,448 --> 00:20:51,684 I mean, I can't risk having just dicks floating around. 525 00:20:51,718 --> 00:20:52,819 I feel like they're gonna, like, 526 00:20:52,852 --> 00:20:54,287 pop up on my parents' phone one day. 527 00:20:54,321 --> 00:20:57,424 How many dicks are floating around? 528 00:21:01,861 --> 00:21:03,930 You're counting a lot. 529 00:21:03,963 --> 00:21:06,366 Like, in the late 20s? 530 00:21:15,342 --> 00:21:16,843 You yuppie trash! 531 00:21:16,876 --> 00:21:18,511 Are you walking-- You wanna walk across the street? 532 00:21:18,545 --> 00:21:19,812 I'm walking. Are you right now? 533 00:21:19,846 --> 00:21:22,349 Oh, really-- Were you gonna walk? 534 00:21:22,382 --> 00:21:24,384 Stupid... Oh yeah, let's just walk. 535 00:21:24,417 --> 00:21:27,153 Look how easy it is to walk-- so easy.