*
(man singing in Spanish)
(woman singing in Spanish)
*
* Four and three and two and one *
*
(woman singing on radio) (knocking)
Jeremy!
Hi. Hi.
Uh, I was just gonna see what you're up to today,
but you're obviously going to work, so.
This is a joke shirt.
'Cause I'm a trainer. Oh.
Yeah, I sometimes train, um, VIP clients at night.
Like Shania... Twain.
Wow.
And then I come back here during the day
and I'm just free to do whatever happens.
You know... Well, I know we don't know each other that well,
but I'm heading upstate today to pick up some
salvaged beams from an abandoned barn... Oh.
And I was just wondering if you...
could sign for a package for me that I'm expecting.
Oh.
I mean, only if you're going to be home anyway.
Totally, totally.
Amazing, okay.
I'll leave a note on my door
and tell them to drop it off here.
The window's between 10:00 and 4:00.
Okay. I really appreciate it.
Yeah. I owe you one.
Okay, I love you too.
I'm sorry, did you just say something?
No, I think that you said-- you said something to me.
Yeah, I said, "Can you sign for a package for me
that I'm expecting," and then you said...
And then I didn't-- I don't think I said anything.
You're hearing things, man. I might be.
You better get those beams.
You can sign for the package, though, right? I can totally do that.
Okay. Great signature.
All right, love you too.
Oh, my God.
(snoring loudly)
Ilana?
Hey, Ilana.
What?
What time is it?
Were you just sleeping with your eyes open?
No.
Of course not.
Um, that would take, like, super long to perfect.
Computer's not on.
It's just idle, I think. (computer starting up)
It's not on.
Look, I need you to read and sign the employee manual.
Details a lot of the workplace policies.
One of them is, um, proper workplace attire.
Oh, okay.
Well, I can just cover this.
Oops.
Oop.
"Sophie's Choice."
(high-pitched voice) Hey.
It also details our sexual harassment policies.
Got it.
Got it, got it, got it, got it, got it.
Cool.
Um, well, I will get right on that, sire.
But first, I'm going to take my top-o'-the-morning-dump-to-you.
So um, I'll see you in a couple-- Couple hours.
Yeah, you know, it started as a sore throat,
but I'm feeling really feverish now.
It's escalating quickly.
A clump of my hair just fell out actually.
Somebody had an accident in the steam room
and I kind of want you to handle that.
It's getting worse as we're talking.
All right, let's wheelbarrow, come on.
I really think I should stay home.
Fine, take the day off, but this is what I want you to do.
Run a quick 5K, sweat it out, then take an eight-minute nap.
Wake up, do a shot of Echinacea,
and then jump right into an ice bath.
Immediately after that, suck on some ice chips,
then urinate as hard and as fast as you can.
Then eat a full onion, rub that onion underneath your armpits,
any kind of gland, any kind of mucal cavity, okay?
It's called cellular confusion.
All right, back on that bench, let's go!
I'll give that a try if I can muscle it.
And then you just gotta veg.
They just put all of "Smallville" on Netflix.
But Abbi, promise me you'll watch from the beginning, okay?
It really builds.
Thanks, Trey. No problem, Bob, feel better.
All right, you want your ass tight for reunion or what?
Finish strong.
Nice work, Gloria.
All right, hit the showers.
Okay.
Join me in the showers.
I'm not on my period.
(snoring) (cell phone vibrating)
Hello? Ilana Wexler?
Maybe... Who is this?
It's Linda Lodi, from the Linda Lodi temp agency.
Listen, um, I know we haven't called you in since that whole
Popsicle incident. I totally forgot about that.
Would you be available for some temp work this afternoon?
Uh...
yeah, I'm available.
Great, just come over as soon as you can.
*
Ilana, listen, this delivery window starts in like,
20 minutes, I really gotta go.
(Ilana) Okay, one last thing.
Dude, this is huge.
Not that big of a deal.
Once you get this package, he's going to think of you
as someone he can trust with his mail.
Next thing you know, you're pregnant with his sperm
and he's sanding down your headboard shirtless.
I mean, I don't know if I'd get pregnant like, right away.
I've heard from like, lots of women that the sex gets bad
after you have kids. Totally.
We haven't even had sex once.
I just want to, like, make sure we do it enough
before I would have a kid, you know?
Even if it didn't happen exactly like that, like,
I think this was a huge step for us for real,
because he said he owes me one.
Owes you one?
His dick, dude!
You think so?
Oh, he's gonna thank you.
So wear that candy thong I got you from Spencer's.
You ate it like, as soon as you gave it to me.
Listen, I really gotta go. I gotta let you go, sweetie.
I'm about to start at this temp job-- Bye bye.
Sorry.
I had to take that.
You made that call in the middle of our conversation.
Did I?
I'm really scraping the bottom of the barrel here.
Look, my whole staff is out with food poisoning.
I took them to lunch, that sushi place underneath Penn Station.
Oh, I love that place.
Yeah, it's usually good, right?
Anyway, look, when a call comes in, just check the database,
send out the first person available,
and that's pretty much it.
Got it? Yeah.
Okay, I'm going to leave you on your own.
I gotta go get my hair fixed.
Yeah, what happened there?
I tried this new stylist.
I said, "Do whatever you want."
I am way too trusting of strangers.
Anyway, here's the keys.
I'll catch you later, okay?
Good luck. Bye.
(high-pitched noise)
Are you okay?
is a forever thing.
Hey, Bevers, you hear the door knock earlier?
Mm-hmm. Why didn't you answer it?
I know you don't like me to answer the door
because I don't technically live here.
Yeah, you don't technically live here,
but when I'm not home, feel free to answer the door.
It could be something important.
Okay, now we've worked that out.
Yeah, great.
(man) Hi, thanks for holding.
So your package is still on the truck, but you can pick it up
from the distribution center after 4:30.
(Abbi) I'm just confused.
Why was the package delivered at 9:49 when the delivery window
was supposed to start at 10:00?
It's a flexible window.
Windows are never flexible.
That's not how they work. Sorry.
Your borough's distribution center is on
North Brother Island. Is that in New York?
I've never even heard of that.
Yes, in the East River.
Take the 6 train to the last stop
and transfer to the M83 bus to the water taxi.
Boom, you're there. Thank you, I guess?
You'll never get off the island.
What did you just say? I'm sorry.
I'm watching "Shutter Island."
Good luck.
(phone ringing)
(ringing continues)
What up?
(man) Is this Linda?
No, I'm just a temp.
You're a temp at a temp agency?
Touche.
What up? This is Wet Nose Walkers.
We need a temp to cover one of our dog walker routes.
Absolutely, sir, that's what we do best.
Um...
What's the address?
*
(Ilana) Yeah!
I'm making bank, bitch!
Oh, my God.
You are insane.
Ab, I'm becoming a mogul a la Jay-Z, a la Martha Stewart,
a la Bethenny Frankel.
From "Housewives"? Yeah.
Next thing you know, I'm backstage at Barclays
with RiRi and Bebe-- Who?
Rihanna and Beyonce.
And we're just laughing and sipping on champagne
with like, candlelight. 'Cause that happens all the time.
RiRi leans in for a kiss and then she--
Goes down on you. Yeah.
Yeah, you-- you say that story a lot.
Oh... cool.
Oh, my God!
I didn't know you had plans with Lincoln. We don't have plans.
We're just going to have sex at one of these dogs' apartments.
Super classy.
I'd do it.
I'd pick up your poop, you're worth it.
So I know why I missed the window.
I jinxed myself. Why, what do you mean?
'Cause I bought too many condoms.
It's the story of my life,
so just gonna deal with it.
But I won't make out with you.
That's what white people do, that dog thing.
Black people don't make out with dogs.
So what do you think is in Jeremy's package?
Oh , look at you.
You're standoffish, huh?
I've narrowed it down to a bunch of things.
I made a little list here.
Okay, so I think it's either, um, clues to a mystery
that he's gonna solve,
a manly handcrafted axe,
or a really great belt.
Nah, dude, it's a Fleshlight.
Ilana, why do you have to ruin him for me?
It's not a Fleshlight. (text alert)
It's healthy.
I gotta head back to the office.
One of these dumb kids broke his jaw on a Jawbreaker.
Why would you even do that?
It does exactly what it says it's gonna do.
Lincoln, you gave all these dogs all your love and now you're
leaving me like, tight and dry.
I'll kick it with you later. Okay, cool.
See you later, General Tso.
Is that his name?
Yeah, I name them based on their personalities.
There's General Tso, there's Dumbface.
That's Ballsack,
and that is star of "Ugly Betty"
and "Who's the Boss?"
The wonderful, the esteemed...
Judith Light!
(Abbi) Oh, my God.
She is!
That's so Judith! That is dead on!
All right, I'll see y'all later.
All right, peace. Later, Judith.
Judith, now that I know that you are Judith Light,
I can't let you back in that tiny-ass apartment.
We'll drop these bitches off
and you're chilling with me all day. (whimpering)
(beeping)
(woman on PA) Last stop in Manhattan.
The train will now be going express to 37th Street.
Sorry.
Oh.
All right.
(beeping)
*
Uh, hello...
Garol.
I'm not sure if I'm in the right place--
You are. Okay.
I'll just hand that-- All right.
Oh, Jesus.
Thank you so much.
It took me so long-- ID.
Jeremy Santos.
No, I'm not a man.
Jeremy's actually my-- he's my husband.
So.
We both work so much.
You know how it is.
But when we're home, we're home and we--
I need his ID or he can come down here
with two pieces of mail with his name on it.
Gar... ol, you seem like, so great.
I can just tell from this interaction.
Can you just like, look the other way this time?
I'm sorry, I can't.
My supervisor's watching.
I'm sorry, I will have someone there right away. (phone ringing)
Linda Lodi Temp Agency, please hold.
Hey. Where have you been?
I've got no temps sent out, I've got the phone ringing
off the hook, I'm getting threatening e-mails.
My scalp is burning.
What are you doing?
Have you been eating those?
Yeah. How many have you had?
30 or like, 100.
30 or 100?
These are for a guess- how-many contest!
Well, you should label every side.
Well, now I have to count the whole thing over again.
(Linda) I don't believe this.
You don't even know how many you had?
Jesus, what a day.
One, two, three, four, five.
Ten. Six, seven, eight, nine, 10.
15... five, six, seven, eight, nine... 17, 18...
You're messing me up.
Now I have to start over.
One, two, three, four, five.
Oh, my God, I killed her!
Judith Light!
... 59, 60.
(cell phone ringing)
(Bevers) Hello? Bevers.
I need you to steal two pieces of Jeremy's mail from like,
the front hall and bring them to North Brother Island
like, immediately, okay?
And then you're going to have to pretend to be him.
I'd love to, but I'm actually out
with some friends right now.
You're not in the apartment?
No, we're on the same schedule.
If you're not there, I'm not there.
When you're there, I'm there.
Okay, just shut up, listen.
If you do this for me right now, I'm gonna...
I will buy you a Costco rotisserie chicken.
Uh, sold.
I'll head over as soon as I finish my mimosa.
Okay.
Jesus Christ.
Hi.
Oh, my God, Judith.
We induced vomiting, he's gonna be fine.
He? Yeah.
Oh, my God.
I looked for his dick forever.
All that hair.
Well, he's probably stressed from the day.
Do you guys have dog Xanax?
For him, Judith Light.
We do, but I don't think it's necessary. Cool.
If I wrapped it up in a piece of cheese for him to eat
and then I accidentally swallowed that piece of cheese,
would I die or be like, super chill?
I'm not going to prescribe you dog Xanax.
Oh, no.
No, I didn't mean-- No.
I see how-- No, no, no.
Cool.
One last quick "Q."
Um, are human hemorrhoids the same as dog hemorrhoids,
and if so, does dog hemorrhoid cream work
on human buttholes?
No.
Yeah, I got here as soon as I could.
How did you get a cab to come here?
The Whitestone Bridge is right over there.
Okay, come on, let's go.
Do you have 70 bucks to pay the driver?
Remember, you're my husband, Jeremy Santos.
Right.
Got it.
I'm not your roommate's boyfriend, I'm your husband.
Don't worry.
I'll do it good. Okay.
But don't tell Melody. Tell Melody what?
Oh, God.
That was a great...
that was a great kiss from my husband.
Garol, hi.
So this is Jeremy, my husband I told you about earlier.
You're Jeremy Santos.
No, I'm Matty Bevers.
No, Abbi, don't!
No, no, no, I'm gonna lose a flip flop!
(Bevers) No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no!
Chicken!
Oh... hey.
You know, it's really not cool to have such a big dog
in such a tiny apartment all day.
It's irresponsible, to tell you the truth.
That is not my dog. Hmm?
My dog is a teacup Yorkie named Cherish.
Where is Cherish? Huh, right.
If the Yorkie belongs here, then the retriever should have gone
to the place above the liquor store.
I see what I did.
This is so me, dude.
All the dogs are off by one.
Oh, my God.
The Chihuahua should be the in the loft.
Which means you should be in Chinatown, Judith Light.
Oh, man.
No worries, dude, Cherish is totally fine.
She's just in a tenement building on Avenue D.
I'll have her back in one... closer to three hours.
Cherish!
No, Mom, it was good.
Yeah, it was good.
I actually drew today, all day.
I gotta go-- I love you.
Okay, talk to you later, bye.
Abbi, it's fine.
I just think you owe me an apology.
Are you kidding me?
You owe me an apology.
Well, you did ruin a perfectly good chicken.
It's a rotisserie chicken.
You can get one anywhere. What does it matter how it's prepared?
You know what, Bevers?
You need to like, just shut up right now
because I can't even handle this.
You got me to commit a federal offense today.
We borrowed neighbor's mail to go get a neighbor's package.
You were not a good kisser.
You messed up my entire thing today.
I think we should talk. We're talking right now.
(knocking) I think what needs to happen is you need to go home
'cause you don't live here. What?
(knocking continues) You need to grab all your little flip flops
and all your socks and you need to get out.
(knocking continues)
Jesus, what?
Whoa. Jeremy.
Okay, I don't have the package.
I don't have it.
They came here and then I wasn't here and then
I had to go to the island to get it
and there was this woman there and she was eating all this
yogurt and she wouldn't give it to me 'cause
I didn't have your ID. Whoa, whoa, hey, hey.
I don't have an ID of yours. It's okay.
I'm sorry. It's not her fault.
It's mine.
I didn't get the door when the delivery came.
Abbi actually tried really hard to get your package today.
Abbi, I didn't mean for you to go through so much trouble.
It's no big deal.
Listen, man, I'm going to be here all day tomorrow
and the day after that, all day.
Day after that, all day.
So I can sign for your package, no problem.
Fantastic, man, I appreciate that.
I owe you dinner, okay? Oh, you don't-- Yeah, okay.
It'll be fun. I got a lot of planks I gotta unload, so...
All right. But I'll see you guys later?
Yeah. Okay.
Just whenever.
(farting)
I thought he would never leave.
Ooh. (farting)
Ooh, ooh, ooh.
Thank God you got this toilet paper, Abbi.
Ooh... (farting)
Oh, I totally missed, Abbi!
(laughing) Oh!
The graphics are sick.
You can really see like, the life
drain out of the guy's eyes-- It's pretty cool.
I'd love to come over and play sometime. I wish.
Abbi really doesn't like it when I have friends over.
I'll come to your place? Absolutely.
I'll make my special rotisserie chicken.
21 seasonings salute.
Dude.
How are you still single?
It's just hard to meet girls in this city.
Dude, you gotta know someone you can set me up with.
You know what?
No, I don't.
Sorry.
So this mole has grown like, 10 times bigger in the last year.
Should I be worried? Please.
There's a cat I need to put to sleep.
Okay, but could you just touch it really quickly?
(beeping) Am I thin?
Like, for a dog?
(beeping) Well, the cat's dead.
Let's do this.
Wow, these hemorrhoids really are bad.
I know.
I spend way too much time on the toilet.
Thanks.
You know, I just can't even control myself.
Well, this should do the trick.
Now remember, no scratching.
Thanks again.
Ugh...
Oh God.
(exhaling)