1
00:00:08,476 --> 00:00:10,244
*

2
00:00:16,150 --> 00:00:18,052
(man singing in Spanish)

3
00:00:25,193 --> 00:00:26,827
(woman singing in Spanish)

4
00:00:29,430 --> 00:00:32,366
*

5
00:01:14,208 --> 00:01:16,644
* Four and three
and two and one *

6
00:01:16,810 --> 00:01:19,046
*

7
00:01:23,651 --> 00:01:26,287
(woman singing on radio)
(knocking)

8
00:01:30,558 --> 00:01:31,359
Jeremy!

9
00:01:31,459 --> 00:01:33,194
Hi.
Hi.

10
00:01:33,294 --> 00:01:35,596
Uh, I was just gonna see
what you're up to today,

11
00:01:35,696 --> 00:01:37,331
but you're obviously
going to work, so.

12
00:01:37,431 --> 00:01:40,000
This is a joke shirt.

13
00:01:40,168 --> 00:01:42,170
'Cause I'm a trainer.
Oh.

14
00:01:42,336 --> 00:01:47,441
Yeah, I sometimes train, um,
VIP clients at night.

15
00:01:47,575 --> 00:01:49,743
Like Shania... Twain.

16
00:01:49,877 --> 00:01:50,744
Wow.

17
00:01:50,878 --> 00:01:53,314
And then I come
back here during the day

18
00:01:53,414 --> 00:01:55,849
and I'm just free to do
whatever happens.

19
00:01:56,016 --> 00:01:58,419
You know...
Well, I know we don't know
each other that well,

20
00:01:58,586 --> 00:02:00,754
but I'm heading upstate today
to pick up some

21
00:02:00,888 --> 00:02:02,890
salvaged beams
from an abandoned barn...
Oh.

22
00:02:02,990 --> 00:02:06,194
And I was just wondering
if you...

23
00:02:06,227 --> 00:02:08,028
could sign for a package
for me that I'm expecting.

24
00:02:08,196 --> 00:02:09,197
Oh.

25
00:02:09,297 --> 00:02:10,664
I mean, only if you're
going to be home anyway.

26
00:02:10,764 --> 00:02:12,300
Totally, totally.

27
00:02:12,400 --> 00:02:13,534
Amazing, okay.

28
00:02:13,634 --> 00:02:14,568
I'll leave
a note on my door

29
00:02:14,668 --> 00:02:15,603
and tell them to
drop it off here.

30
00:02:15,769 --> 00:02:17,305
The window's between
10:00 and 4:00.

31
00:02:17,405 --> 00:02:19,473
Okay.
I really appreciate it.

32
00:02:19,573 --> 00:02:21,775
Yeah.
I owe you one.

33
00:02:21,875 --> 00:02:24,212
Okay, I love you too.

34
00:02:24,312 --> 00:02:26,013
I'm sorry, did you
just say something?

35
00:02:26,113 --> 00:02:28,382
No, I think that you said--
you said something to me.

36
00:02:28,549 --> 00:02:30,851
Yeah, I said, "Can you sign
for a package for me

37
00:02:31,018 --> 00:02:32,420
that I'm expecting,"
and then you said...

38
00:02:32,553 --> 00:02:35,122
And then I didn't--
I don't think I said anything.

39
00:02:35,256 --> 00:02:37,124
You're hearing things, man.
I might be.

40
00:02:37,225 --> 00:02:39,227
You better get those beams.

41
00:02:39,360 --> 00:02:41,929
You can sign for the
package, though, right?
I can totally do that.

42
00:02:42,029 --> 00:02:44,665
Okay.
Great signature.

43
00:02:44,798 --> 00:02:46,667
All right, love you too.

44
00:02:46,767 --> 00:02:48,236
Oh, my God.

45
00:02:49,303 --> 00:02:51,605
(snoring loudly)

46
00:02:53,541 --> 00:02:55,343
Ilana?

47
00:02:55,476 --> 00:02:56,877
Hey, Ilana.

48
00:02:58,446 --> 00:02:59,813
What?

49
00:02:59,980 --> 00:03:01,048
What time is it?

50
00:03:01,249 --> 00:03:03,251
Were you just sleeping
with your eyes open?

51
00:03:03,351 --> 00:03:04,452
No.

52
00:03:04,585 --> 00:03:06,254
Of course not.

53
00:03:06,287 --> 00:03:10,491
Um, that would take, like,
super long to perfect.

54
00:03:10,591 --> 00:03:11,759
Computer's not on.

55
00:03:11,859 --> 00:03:13,394
It's just idle, I think.
(computer starting up)

56
00:03:13,494 --> 00:03:15,128
It's not on.

57
00:03:18,566 --> 00:03:22,570
Look, I need you to read and
sign the employee manual.

58
00:03:22,736 --> 00:03:24,405
Details a lot of
the workplace policies.

59
00:03:24,505 --> 00:03:29,176
One of them is, um,
proper workplace attire.

60
00:03:29,277 --> 00:03:30,378
Oh, okay.

61
00:03:30,478 --> 00:03:32,546
Well, I can just
cover this.

62
00:03:32,646 --> 00:03:34,615
Oops.

63
00:03:34,715 --> 00:03:36,016
Oop.

64
00:03:36,149 --> 00:03:38,852
"Sophie's Choice."

65
00:03:38,952 --> 00:03:40,187
(high-pitched voice)
Hey.

66
00:03:40,288 --> 00:03:42,189
It also details our sexual
harassment policies.

67
00:03:42,290 --> 00:03:43,190
Got it.

68
00:03:43,324 --> 00:03:44,792
Got it, got it, got it,
got it, got it.

69
00:03:44,892 --> 00:03:45,759
Cool.

70
00:03:45,893 --> 00:03:48,362
Um, well, I will get
right on that, sire.

71
00:03:48,496 --> 00:03:51,699
But first, I'm going to take my
top-o'-the-morning-dump-to-you.

72
00:03:51,799 --> 00:03:54,201
So um, I'll see you
in a couple--
Couple hours.

73
00:03:55,469 --> 00:03:57,438
Yeah, you know, it started
as a sore throat,

74
00:03:57,538 --> 00:04:00,073
but I'm feeling
really feverish now.

75
00:04:00,308 --> 00:04:02,443
It's escalating quickly.

76
00:04:02,576 --> 00:04:04,978
A clump of my hair
just fell out actually.

77
00:04:05,112 --> 00:04:06,580
Somebody had an accident
in the steam room

78
00:04:06,714 --> 00:04:08,316
and I kind of want
you to handle that.

79
00:04:08,449 --> 00:04:09,883
It's getting worse
as we're talking.

80
00:04:10,050 --> 00:04:11,752
All right,
let's wheelbarrow, come on.

81
00:04:11,885 --> 00:04:13,487
I really think
I should stay home.

82
00:04:13,621 --> 00:04:15,556
Fine, take the day off, but
this is what I want you to do.

83
00:04:15,723 --> 00:04:18,792
Run a quick 5K, sweat it out,
then take an eight-minute nap.

84
00:04:18,926 --> 00:04:20,561
Wake up,
do a shot of Echinacea,

85
00:04:20,661 --> 00:04:22,463
and then jump right
into an ice bath.

86
00:04:22,563 --> 00:04:25,032
Immediately after that,
suck on some ice chips,

87
00:04:25,132 --> 00:04:27,835
then urinate as
hard and as fast as you can.

88
00:04:27,935 --> 00:04:30,438
Then eat a full onion, rub that
onion underneath your armpits,

89
00:04:30,538 --> 00:04:33,040
any kind of gland, any kind
of mucal cavity, okay?

90
00:04:33,140 --> 00:04:35,008
It's called
cellular confusion.

91
00:04:35,108 --> 00:04:37,210
All right, back on
that bench, let's go!

92
00:04:37,345 --> 00:04:39,380
I'll give that a try
if I can muscle it.

93
00:04:39,547 --> 00:04:41,014
And then you just gotta veg.

94
00:04:41,114 --> 00:04:42,616
They just put all of
"Smallville" on Netflix.

95
00:04:42,716 --> 00:04:44,618
But Abbi, promise me you'll
watch from the beginning, okay?

96
00:04:44,718 --> 00:04:45,786
It really builds.

97
00:04:45,886 --> 00:04:48,489
Thanks, Trey.
No problem, Bob,
feel better.

98
00:04:48,656 --> 00:04:51,258
All right, you want your ass
tight for reunion or what?

99
00:04:51,425 --> 00:04:52,526
Finish strong.

100
00:04:52,660 --> 00:04:54,094
Nice work, Gloria.

101
00:04:54,194 --> 00:04:55,996
All right,
hit the showers.

102
00:04:56,129 --> 00:04:57,598
Okay.

103
00:04:59,467 --> 00:05:01,134
Join me in the showers.

104
00:05:01,268 --> 00:05:02,970
I'm not on my period.

105
00:05:04,705 --> 00:05:07,675
(snoring)
(cell phone vibrating)

106
00:05:09,209 --> 00:05:11,111
Hello?
Ilana Wexler?

107
00:05:11,244 --> 00:05:12,513
Maybe...
Who is this?

108
00:05:12,646 --> 00:05:14,748
It's Linda Lodi, from the
Linda Lodi temp agency.

109
00:05:14,882 --> 00:05:17,418
Listen, um, I know we haven't
called you in since that whole

110
00:05:17,518 --> 00:05:19,620
Popsicle incident.
I totally forgot about that.

111
00:05:19,753 --> 00:05:22,055
Would you be available for some
temp work this afternoon?

112
00:05:22,155 --> 00:05:24,191
Uh...

113
00:05:24,291 --> 00:05:26,059
yeah, I'm available.

114
00:05:26,193 --> 00:05:28,028
Great, just come over
as soon as you can.

115
00:05:28,128 --> 00:05:30,030
*

116
00:05:33,401 --> 00:05:34,868
Ilana, listen, this delivery
window starts in like,

117
00:05:35,002 --> 00:05:36,437
20 minutes,
I really gotta go.

118
00:05:36,604 --> 00:05:37,438
(Ilana)
Okay, one last thing.

119
00:05:37,605 --> 00:05:38,972
Dude, this is huge.

120
00:05:39,106 --> 00:05:40,307
Not that big of a deal.

121
00:05:40,474 --> 00:05:41,642
Once you get this package,
he's going to think of you

122
00:05:41,775 --> 00:05:43,944
as someone he can
trust with his mail.

123
00:05:44,044 --> 00:05:45,713
Next thing you know, you're
pregnant with his sperm

124
00:05:45,813 --> 00:05:48,482
and he's sanding down
your headboard shirtless.

125
00:05:48,582 --> 00:05:50,083
I mean, I don't know if I'd
get pregnant like, right away.

126
00:05:50,250 --> 00:05:52,152
I've heard from like, lots of
women that the sex gets bad

127
00:05:52,252 --> 00:05:54,087
after you have kids.
Totally.

128
00:05:54,187 --> 00:05:55,923
We haven't even
had sex once.

129
00:05:56,023 --> 00:05:57,558
I just want to, like,
make sure we do it enough

130
00:05:57,691 --> 00:05:59,593
before I would have
a kid, you know?

131
00:06:02,530 --> 00:06:04,932
Even if it didn't happen
exactly like that, like,

132
00:06:05,032 --> 00:06:06,667
I think this was
a huge step for us for real,

133
00:06:06,767 --> 00:06:08,769
because he said
he owes me one.

134
00:06:08,869 --> 00:06:11,038
Owes you one?

135
00:06:11,138 --> 00:06:12,906
His dick, dude!

136
00:06:13,006 --> 00:06:14,007
You think so?

137
00:06:14,107 --> 00:06:15,976
Oh, he's gonna thank you.

138
00:06:16,076 --> 00:06:18,111
So wear that candy thong
I got you from Spencer's.

139
00:06:18,211 --> 00:06:20,080
You ate it like, as soon as
you gave it to me.

140
00:06:20,180 --> 00:06:21,882
Listen, I really gotta go.
I gotta let you go, sweetie.

141
00:06:21,982 --> 00:06:23,917
I'm about to start
at this temp job-- Bye bye.

142
00:06:27,521 --> 00:06:28,221
Sorry.

143
00:06:28,355 --> 00:06:29,457
I had to take that.

144
00:06:29,623 --> 00:06:32,192
You made that call in the
middle of our conversation.

145
00:06:32,325 --> 00:06:33,527
Did I?

146
00:06:33,627 --> 00:06:35,796
I'm really scraping the bottom
of the barrel here.

147
00:06:35,929 --> 00:06:37,731
Look, my whole staff
is out with food poisoning.

148
00:06:37,865 --> 00:06:40,468
I took them to lunch, that sushi
place underneath Penn Station.

149
00:06:40,601 --> 00:06:41,602
Oh, I love that place.

150
00:06:41,702 --> 00:06:43,236
Yeah, it's
usually good, right?

151
00:06:43,336 --> 00:06:45,539
Anyway, look, when a call comes
in, just check the database,

152
00:06:45,639 --> 00:06:47,140
send out the first person
available,

153
00:06:47,240 --> 00:06:48,141
and that's pretty much it.

154
00:06:48,241 --> 00:06:49,209
Got it?
Yeah.

155
00:06:49,309 --> 00:06:50,611
Okay, I'm going to
leave you on your own.

156
00:06:50,711 --> 00:06:51,945
I gotta go get
my hair fixed.

157
00:06:52,045 --> 00:06:53,914
Yeah,
what happened there?

158
00:06:54,014 --> 00:06:55,082
I tried this new stylist.

159
00:06:55,182 --> 00:06:56,684
I said,
"Do whatever you want."

160
00:06:56,784 --> 00:06:58,986
I am way too trusting
of strangers.

161
00:06:59,086 --> 00:07:00,821
Anyway, here's the keys.

162
00:07:00,921 --> 00:07:02,355
I'll catch you later,
okay?

163
00:07:02,490 --> 00:07:03,757
Good luck.
Bye.

164
00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:15,335
(high-pitched noise)

165
00:07:15,503 --> 00:07:16,970
Are you okay?

166
00:07:23,911 --> 00:07:27,380
is a forever thing.

167
00:07:27,515 --> 00:07:29,650
Hey, Bevers, you hear
the door knock earlier?

168
00:07:29,750 --> 00:07:31,685
Mm-hmm.
Why didn't you answer it?

169
00:07:31,785 --> 00:07:33,220
I know you don't like me
to answer the door

170
00:07:33,320 --> 00:07:35,923
because I don't
technically live here.

171
00:07:36,023 --> 00:07:37,257
Yeah, you don't
technically live here,

172
00:07:37,390 --> 00:07:40,127
but when I'm not home,
feel free to answer the door.

173
00:07:40,227 --> 00:07:41,394
It could be something
important.

174
00:07:41,529 --> 00:07:42,996
Okay, now we've
worked that out.

175
00:07:43,096 --> 00:07:43,964
Yeah, great.

176
00:07:44,064 --> 00:07:45,533
(man)
Hi, thanks for holding.

177
00:07:45,566 --> 00:07:47,935
So your package is still on the
truck, but you can pick it up

178
00:07:48,035 --> 00:07:50,103
from the distribution center
after 4:30.

179
00:07:50,203 --> 00:07:51,539
(Abbi)
I'm just confused.

180
00:07:51,572 --> 00:07:56,109
Why was the package delivered at
9:49 when the delivery window

181
00:07:56,209 --> 00:07:57,611
was supposed to
start at 10:00?

182
00:07:57,711 --> 00:07:59,346
It's a flexible window.

183
00:07:59,446 --> 00:08:00,681
Windows are
never flexible.

184
00:08:00,781 --> 00:08:02,282
That's not how they work.
Sorry.

185
00:08:02,382 --> 00:08:04,785
Your borough's
distribution center is on

186
00:08:04,952 --> 00:08:07,087
North Brother Island.
Is that in New York?

187
00:08:07,187 --> 00:08:08,355
I've never even
heard of that.

188
00:08:08,556 --> 00:08:09,723
Yes, in the East River.

189
00:08:09,790 --> 00:08:11,925
Take the 6 train
to the last stop

190
00:08:12,025 --> 00:08:14,562
and transfer to the M83 bus
to the water taxi.

191
00:08:14,628 --> 00:08:16,730
Boom, you're there.
Thank you, I guess?

192
00:08:16,830 --> 00:08:18,298
You'll never
get off the island.

193
00:08:18,398 --> 00:08:19,767
What did you just say?
I'm sorry.

194
00:08:19,867 --> 00:08:21,468
I'm watching
"Shutter Island."

195
00:08:21,569 --> 00:08:23,170
Good luck.

196
00:08:28,742 --> 00:08:32,012
(phone ringing)

197
00:08:35,716 --> 00:08:39,119
(ringing continues)

198
00:08:39,219 --> 00:08:40,688
What up?

199
00:08:40,788 --> 00:08:42,089
(man)
Is this Linda?

200
00:08:42,189 --> 00:08:43,323
No, I'm just a temp.

201
00:08:43,423 --> 00:08:46,126
You're a temp
at a temp agency?

202
00:08:46,226 --> 00:08:47,761
Touche.

203
00:08:47,861 --> 00:08:49,763
What up?
This is Wet Nose Walkers.

204
00:08:49,963 --> 00:08:52,332
We need a temp to cover one
of our dog walker routes.

205
00:08:52,499 --> 00:08:55,035
Absolutely, sir,
that's what we do best.

206
00:08:55,168 --> 00:08:57,504
Um...

207
00:08:57,671 --> 00:08:59,607
What's the address?

208
00:08:59,673 --> 00:09:01,408
*

209
00:09:03,811 --> 00:09:05,913
(Ilana)
Yeah!

210
00:09:06,013 --> 00:09:08,949
I'm making bank, bitch!

211
00:09:09,049 --> 00:09:09,917
Oh, my God.

212
00:09:10,017 --> 00:09:11,484
You are insane.

213
00:09:11,619 --> 00:09:15,055
Ab, I'm becoming a mogul a la
Jay-Z, a la Martha Stewart,

214
00:09:15,155 --> 00:09:16,624
a la Bethenny Frankel.

215
00:09:16,657 --> 00:09:17,725
From "Housewives"?
Yeah.

216
00:09:17,825 --> 00:09:19,359
Next thing you know, I'm
backstage at Barclays

217
00:09:19,459 --> 00:09:20,794
with RiRi and Bebe--
Who?

218
00:09:20,894 --> 00:09:21,995
Rihanna and Beyonce.

219
00:09:22,095 --> 00:09:24,164
And we're just laughing
and sipping on champagne

220
00:09:24,264 --> 00:09:26,399
with like, candlelight.
'Cause that happens
all the time.

221
00:09:26,634 --> 00:09:28,869
RiRi leans in for a kiss
and then she--

222
00:09:28,969 --> 00:09:31,038
Goes down on you.
Yeah.

223
00:09:31,138 --> 00:09:33,240
Yeah, you-- you say
that story a lot.

224
00:09:33,340 --> 00:09:34,808
Oh... cool.

225
00:09:34,908 --> 00:09:37,044
Oh, my God!

226
00:09:37,144 --> 00:09:39,680
I didn't know you had
plans with Lincoln.
We don't have plans.

227
00:09:39,780 --> 00:09:41,381
We're just going to have sex at
one of these dogs' apartments.

228
00:09:41,481 --> 00:09:42,983
Super classy.

229
00:09:43,083 --> 00:09:44,151
I'd do it.

230
00:09:44,251 --> 00:09:45,719
I'd pick up your poop,
you're worth it.

231
00:09:45,819 --> 00:09:47,520
So I know why I missed
the window.

232
00:09:47,655 --> 00:09:49,122
I jinxed myself.
Why, what do you mean?

233
00:09:49,222 --> 00:09:50,557
'Cause I bought
too many condoms.

234
00:09:50,658 --> 00:09:51,759
It's the story
of my life,

235
00:09:51,859 --> 00:09:53,260
so just gonna
deal with it.

236
00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:54,427
But I won't
make out with you.

237
00:09:54,527 --> 00:09:56,196
That's what white people do,
that dog thing.

238
00:09:56,296 --> 00:09:57,665
Black people don't
make out with dogs.

239
00:09:57,765 --> 00:09:59,466
So what do you think is in
Jeremy's package?

240
00:09:59,566 --> 00:10:00,668
Oh , look at you.

241
00:10:00,668 --> 00:10:01,702
You're standoffish, huh?

242
00:10:01,802 --> 00:10:03,904
I've narrowed it down
to a bunch of things.

243
00:10:04,004 --> 00:10:05,572
I made a little list here.

244
00:10:05,673 --> 00:10:07,741
Okay, so I think it's either,
um, clues to a mystery

245
00:10:07,908 --> 00:10:09,810
that he's gonna solve,

246
00:10:09,910 --> 00:10:11,945
a manly handcrafted axe,

247
00:10:12,045 --> 00:10:14,181
or a really great belt.

248
00:10:14,281 --> 00:10:16,516
Nah, dude,
it's a Fleshlight.

249
00:10:16,650 --> 00:10:17,885
Ilana, why do you have to
ruin him for me?

250
00:10:17,985 --> 00:10:19,086
It's not a Fleshlight.
(text alert)

251
00:10:19,186 --> 00:10:21,088
It's healthy.

252
00:10:21,188 --> 00:10:22,455
I gotta head back
to the office.

253
00:10:22,555 --> 00:10:25,192
One of these dumb kids broke
his jaw on a Jawbreaker.

254
00:10:25,292 --> 00:10:26,459
Why would you even do that?

255
00:10:26,559 --> 00:10:28,796
It does exactly what
it says it's gonna do.

256
00:10:28,896 --> 00:10:30,931
Lincoln, you gave all these dogs
all your love and now you're

257
00:10:31,031 --> 00:10:32,432
leaving me like,
tight and dry.

258
00:10:32,532 --> 00:10:34,234
I'll kick it
with you later.
Okay, cool.

259
00:10:34,334 --> 00:10:35,568
See you later,
General Tso.

260
00:10:35,736 --> 00:10:36,804
Is that his name?

261
00:10:36,904 --> 00:10:38,138
Yeah, I name them based on
their personalities.

262
00:10:38,238 --> 00:10:41,341
There's General Tso,
there's Dumbface.

263
00:10:41,441 --> 00:10:43,143
That's Ballsack,

264
00:10:43,243 --> 00:10:46,413
and that is star
of "Ugly Betty"

265
00:10:46,513 --> 00:10:47,981
and "Who's the Boss?"

266
00:10:48,081 --> 00:10:51,785
The wonderful,
the esteemed...

267
00:10:51,885 --> 00:10:53,086
Judith Light!

268
00:10:53,253 --> 00:10:55,255
(Abbi)
Oh, my God.

269
00:10:55,355 --> 00:10:56,556
She is!

270
00:10:56,656 --> 00:10:58,525
That's so Judith!
That is dead on!

271
00:10:58,625 --> 00:10:59,592
All right,
I'll see y'all later.

272
00:10:59,693 --> 00:11:01,294
All right, peace.
Later, Judith.

273
00:11:01,394 --> 00:11:03,130
Judith, now that I know that
you are Judith Light,

274
00:11:03,263 --> 00:11:05,332
I can't let you back
in that tiny-ass apartment.

275
00:11:05,498 --> 00:11:06,800
We'll drop
these bitches off

276
00:11:06,900 --> 00:11:09,202
and you're chilling
with me all day.
(whimpering)

277
00:11:14,341 --> 00:11:15,976
(beeping)

278
00:11:16,109 --> 00:11:17,477
(woman on PA)
Last stop in Manhattan.

279
00:11:17,610 --> 00:11:19,747
The train will now be going
express to 37th Street.

280
00:11:19,813 --> 00:11:20,981
Sorry.

281
00:11:22,015 --> 00:11:23,016
Oh.

282
00:11:23,150 --> 00:11:24,584
All right.

283
00:11:28,355 --> 00:11:29,990
(beeping)

284
00:11:33,894 --> 00:11:36,396
*

285
00:11:39,366 --> 00:11:41,634
*

286
00:11:49,777 --> 00:11:52,245
*

287
00:11:55,348 --> 00:11:58,218
*

288
00:12:05,993 --> 00:12:08,461
*

289
00:12:14,134 --> 00:12:16,804
*

290
00:12:23,543 --> 00:12:26,346
Uh, hello...

291
00:12:26,446 --> 00:12:27,815
Garol.

292
00:12:27,881 --> 00:12:29,416
I'm not sure if I'm in
the right place--

293
00:12:29,516 --> 00:12:32,385
You are.
Okay.

294
00:12:32,485 --> 00:12:34,087
I'll just hand that--
All right.

295
00:12:38,892 --> 00:12:40,127
Oh, Jesus.

296
00:12:40,227 --> 00:12:41,161
Thank you so much.

297
00:12:41,261 --> 00:12:43,864
It took me so long--
ID.

298
00:12:44,031 --> 00:12:45,598
Jeremy Santos.

299
00:12:45,698 --> 00:12:48,501
No, I'm not a man.

300
00:12:48,601 --> 00:12:52,739
Jeremy's actually my--
he's my husband.

301
00:12:52,840 --> 00:12:53,673
So.

302
00:12:53,841 --> 00:12:54,842
We both work so much.

303
00:12:54,908 --> 00:12:55,943
You know how it is.

304
00:12:56,109 --> 00:12:57,878
But when we're home,
we're home and we--

305
00:12:57,978 --> 00:13:02,115
I need his ID or he can
come down here

306
00:13:02,182 --> 00:13:05,853
with two pieces of
mail with his name on it.

307
00:13:05,953 --> 00:13:10,323
Gar... ol, you seem like,
so great.

308
00:13:10,423 --> 00:13:12,893
I can just tell
from this interaction.

309
00:13:12,993 --> 00:13:15,395
Can you just like, look
the other way this time?

310
00:13:15,495 --> 00:13:17,730
I'm sorry, I can't.

311
00:13:17,865 --> 00:13:20,167
My supervisor's watching.

312
00:13:24,037 --> 00:13:26,874
I'm sorry, I will have
someone there right away.
(phone ringing)

313
00:13:26,940 --> 00:13:28,541
Linda Lodi Temp Agency,
please hold.

314
00:13:28,641 --> 00:13:30,577
Hey.
Where have you been?

315
00:13:30,677 --> 00:13:32,612
I've got no temps sent out,
I've got the phone ringing

316
00:13:32,712 --> 00:13:34,381
off the hook, I'm getting
threatening e-mails.

317
00:13:34,481 --> 00:13:36,349
My scalp is burning.

318
00:13:37,985 --> 00:13:38,919
What are you doing?

319
00:13:39,052 --> 00:13:40,087
Have you been
eating those?

320
00:13:40,187 --> 00:13:41,721
Yeah.
How many have you had?

321
00:13:41,889 --> 00:13:43,623
30 or like, 100.

322
00:13:43,723 --> 00:13:45,725
30 or 100?

323
00:13:45,893 --> 00:13:48,661
These are for a guess-
how-many contest!

324
00:13:48,761 --> 00:13:49,997
Well, you should
label every side.

325
00:13:50,097 --> 00:13:52,132
Well, now I have to count
the whole thing over again.

326
00:13:52,232 --> 00:13:53,366
(Linda)
I don't believe this.

327
00:13:53,466 --> 00:13:54,902
You don't even know
how many you had?

328
00:13:54,935 --> 00:13:57,570
Jesus, what a day.

329
00:13:57,670 --> 00:13:59,739
One, two, three,
four, five.

330
00:13:59,907 --> 00:14:01,408
Ten.
Six, seven,
eight, nine, 10.

331
00:14:01,508 --> 00:14:05,245
15... five, six, seven,
eight, nine...
17, 18...

332
00:14:05,345 --> 00:14:06,246
You're messing me up.

333
00:14:06,346 --> 00:14:08,415
Now I have to
start over.

334
00:14:08,515 --> 00:14:10,550
One, two, three,
four, five.

335
00:14:11,551 --> 00:14:14,087
Oh, my God,
I killed her!

336
00:14:14,221 --> 00:14:16,423
Judith Light!

337
00:14:17,490 --> 00:14:18,591
... 59, 60.

338
00:14:20,961 --> 00:14:22,562
(cell phone ringing)

339
00:14:22,662 --> 00:14:23,931
(Bevers)
Hello?
Bevers.

340
00:14:23,964 --> 00:14:26,499
I need you to steal two pieces
of Jeremy's mail from like,

341
00:14:26,599 --> 00:14:28,835
the front hall and bring them
to North Brother Island

342
00:14:28,936 --> 00:14:30,637
like, immediately, okay?

343
00:14:30,770 --> 00:14:32,305
And then you're going to
have to pretend to be him.

344
00:14:32,405 --> 00:14:33,941
I'd love to,
but I'm actually out

345
00:14:34,007 --> 00:14:35,642
with some friends
right now.

346
00:14:35,742 --> 00:14:36,977
You're not
in the apartment?

347
00:14:37,077 --> 00:14:38,445
No, we're on
the same schedule.

348
00:14:38,545 --> 00:14:40,247
If you're not there,
I'm not there.

349
00:14:40,347 --> 00:14:42,182
When you're there,
I'm there.

350
00:14:42,349 --> 00:14:43,616
Okay,
just shut up, listen.

351
00:14:43,716 --> 00:14:47,220
If you do this for me
right now, I'm gonna...

352
00:14:47,320 --> 00:14:50,723
I will buy you a
Costco rotisserie chicken.

353
00:14:50,823 --> 00:14:51,992
Uh, sold.

354
00:14:52,092 --> 00:14:54,394
I'll head over as soon
as I finish my mimosa.

355
00:14:54,494 --> 00:14:55,828
Okay.

356
00:14:55,963 --> 00:14:57,397
Jesus Christ.

357
00:15:00,667 --> 00:15:01,768
Hi.

358
00:15:01,868 --> 00:15:03,203
Oh, my God, Judith.

359
00:15:03,303 --> 00:15:05,338
We induced vomiting,
he's gonna be fine.

360
00:15:05,438 --> 00:15:06,773
He?
Yeah.

361
00:15:06,873 --> 00:15:07,840
Oh, my God.

362
00:15:07,975 --> 00:15:09,876
I looked for
his dick forever.

363
00:15:09,977 --> 00:15:11,111
All that hair.

364
00:15:11,211 --> 00:15:13,981
Well, he's probably
stressed from the day.

365
00:15:14,081 --> 00:15:15,983
Do you guys
have dog Xanax?

366
00:15:16,083 --> 00:15:17,384
For him, Judith Light.

367
00:15:17,484 --> 00:15:19,186
We do, but I don't think
it's necessary.
Cool.

368
00:15:19,286 --> 00:15:21,821
If I wrapped it up in a piece
of cheese for him to eat

369
00:15:21,989 --> 00:15:24,824
and then I accidentally
swallowed that piece of cheese,

370
00:15:24,992 --> 00:15:28,128
would I die or
be like, super chill?

371
00:15:28,295 --> 00:15:30,363
I'm not going to prescribe
you dog Xanax.

372
00:15:30,463 --> 00:15:31,831
Oh, no.

373
00:15:31,999 --> 00:15:33,133
No, I didn't mean--
No.

374
00:15:33,233 --> 00:15:35,635
I see how--
No, no, no.

375
00:15:35,735 --> 00:15:36,669
Cool.

376
00:15:36,769 --> 00:15:39,072
One last quick "Q."

377
00:15:39,172 --> 00:15:42,575
Um, are human hemorrhoids
the same as dog hemorrhoids,

378
00:15:42,675 --> 00:15:45,845
and if so, does dog
hemorrhoid cream work

379
00:15:46,013 --> 00:15:48,415
on human buttholes?

380
00:15:52,752 --> 00:15:54,354
No.

381
00:15:57,290 --> 00:15:59,192
Yeah, I got here
as soon as I could.

382
00:15:59,292 --> 00:16:01,094
How did you get a cab
to come here?

383
00:16:01,194 --> 00:16:04,131
The Whitestone Bridge
is right over there.

384
00:16:04,231 --> 00:16:05,332
Okay, come on, let's go.

385
00:16:05,465 --> 00:16:07,800
Do you have 70 bucks
to pay the driver?

386
00:16:09,569 --> 00:16:11,671
Remember, you're my husband,
Jeremy Santos.

387
00:16:11,804 --> 00:16:12,439
Right.

388
00:16:12,539 --> 00:16:13,873
Got it.

389
00:16:14,041 --> 00:16:17,810
I'm not your roommate's
boyfriend, I'm your husband.

390
00:16:17,910 --> 00:16:19,312
Don't worry.

391
00:16:19,412 --> 00:16:20,580
I'll do it good.
Okay.

392
00:16:20,680 --> 00:16:23,483
But don't tell Melody.
Tell Melody what?

393
00:16:27,220 --> 00:16:28,655
Oh, God.

394
00:16:30,890 --> 00:16:33,526
That was a great...

395
00:16:33,660 --> 00:16:35,462
that was a great kiss
from my husband.

396
00:16:35,595 --> 00:16:36,729
Garol, hi.

397
00:16:36,863 --> 00:16:40,067
So this is Jeremy, my husband
I told you about earlier.

398
00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:43,470
You're Jeremy Santos.

399
00:16:43,570 --> 00:16:45,705
No, I'm Matty Bevers.

400
00:16:49,076 --> 00:16:50,443
No, Abbi, don't!

401
00:16:50,577 --> 00:16:52,512
No, no, no, I'm gonna
lose a flip flop!

402
00:16:52,612 --> 00:16:54,847
(Bevers)
No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no.

403
00:16:54,947 --> 00:16:56,083
No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no.

404
00:16:56,183 --> 00:16:58,485
No, no, no, no!

405
00:16:58,585 --> 00:17:02,822
Chicken!

406
00:17:05,925 --> 00:17:07,794
Oh... hey.

407
00:17:07,927 --> 00:17:10,097
You know, it's really not cool
to have such a big dog

408
00:17:10,163 --> 00:17:11,598
in such a
tiny apartment all day.

409
00:17:11,698 --> 00:17:13,966
It's irresponsible,
to tell you the truth.

410
00:17:14,101 --> 00:17:16,103
That is not my dog.
Hmm?

411
00:17:16,203 --> 00:17:18,638
My dog is a teacup Yorkie
named Cherish.

412
00:17:18,738 --> 00:17:21,941
Where is Cherish?
Huh, right.

413
00:17:22,109 --> 00:17:24,977
If the Yorkie belongs here, then
the retriever should have gone

414
00:17:25,112 --> 00:17:26,979
to the place
above the liquor store.

415
00:17:30,183 --> 00:17:31,184
I see what I did.

416
00:17:31,351 --> 00:17:32,885
This is so me, dude.

417
00:17:33,120 --> 00:17:35,021
All the dogs
are off by one.

418
00:17:35,155 --> 00:17:36,123
Oh, my God.

419
00:17:36,256 --> 00:17:37,624
The Chihuahua should
be the in the loft.

420
00:17:37,757 --> 00:17:40,993
Which means you should be
in Chinatown, Judith Light.

421
00:17:41,128 --> 00:17:42,129
Oh, man.

422
00:17:42,262 --> 00:17:44,131
No worries, dude,
Cherish is totally fine.

423
00:17:44,197 --> 00:17:46,233
She's just in a tenement
building on Avenue D.

424
00:17:46,333 --> 00:17:49,035
I'll have her back in one...
closer to three hours.

425
00:17:52,139 --> 00:17:54,574
Cherish!

426
00:17:58,578 --> 00:17:59,812
No, Mom, it was good.

427
00:17:59,879 --> 00:18:01,381
Yeah, it was good.

428
00:18:01,514 --> 00:18:05,051
I actually drew today,
all day.

429
00:18:05,152 --> 00:18:06,386
I gotta go--
I love you.

430
00:18:06,519 --> 00:18:07,854
Okay, talk to you later,
bye.

431
00:18:08,921 --> 00:18:10,323
Abbi, it's fine.

432
00:18:10,423 --> 00:18:12,259
I just think
you owe me an apology.

433
00:18:12,359 --> 00:18:13,393
Are you kidding me?

434
00:18:13,493 --> 00:18:14,527
You owe me an apology.

435
00:18:14,627 --> 00:18:17,197
Well, you did ruin
a perfectly good chicken.

436
00:18:17,330 --> 00:18:19,031
It's a rotisserie chicken.

437
00:18:19,166 --> 00:18:21,701
You can get one anywhere.
What does it matter
how it's prepared?

438
00:18:21,801 --> 00:18:22,869
You know what, Bevers?

439
00:18:22,969 --> 00:18:24,337
You need to like,
just shut up right now

440
00:18:24,437 --> 00:18:25,672
because I can't even
handle this.

441
00:18:25,872 --> 00:18:28,208
You got me to commit
a federal offense today.

442
00:18:28,375 --> 00:18:31,578
We borrowed neighbor's mail
to go get a neighbor's package.

443
00:18:31,678 --> 00:18:32,879
You were not a good kisser.

444
00:18:33,012 --> 00:18:35,282
You messed up
my entire thing today.

445
00:18:35,382 --> 00:18:37,684
I think we should talk.
We're talking right now.

446
00:18:37,884 --> 00:18:39,986
(knocking)
I think what needs to happen
is you need to go home

447
00:18:40,187 --> 00:18:41,821
'cause you
don't live here.
What?

448
00:18:41,921 --> 00:18:43,623
(knocking continues)
You need to grab all
your little flip flops

449
00:18:43,723 --> 00:18:45,725
and all your socks
and you need to get out.

450
00:18:45,825 --> 00:18:47,394
(knocking continues)

451
00:18:47,494 --> 00:18:49,196
Jesus, what?

452
00:18:49,229 --> 00:18:51,198
Whoa.
Jeremy.

453
00:18:51,264 --> 00:18:52,832
Okay, I don't
have the package.

454
00:18:52,999 --> 00:18:53,933
I don't have it.

455
00:18:54,066 --> 00:18:55,735
They came here and then
I wasn't here and then

456
00:18:55,835 --> 00:18:57,437
I had to go to
the island to get it

457
00:18:57,537 --> 00:18:59,206
and there was this woman there
and she was eating all this

458
00:18:59,239 --> 00:19:00,707
yogurt and she
wouldn't give it to me 'cause

459
00:19:00,807 --> 00:19:02,041
I didn't have your ID.
Whoa, whoa, hey, hey.

460
00:19:02,209 --> 00:19:04,577
I don't have
an ID of yours.
It's okay.

461
00:19:04,744 --> 00:19:05,978
I'm sorry.
It's not her fault.

462
00:19:06,213 --> 00:19:07,214
It's mine.

463
00:19:07,280 --> 00:19:09,216
I didn't get the door
when the delivery came.

464
00:19:09,249 --> 00:19:12,552
Abbi actually tried really hard
to get your package today.

465
00:19:12,652 --> 00:19:14,254
Abbi, I didn't mean for you
to go through so much trouble.

466
00:19:14,421 --> 00:19:15,422
It's no big deal.

467
00:19:15,522 --> 00:19:18,891
Listen, man, I'm going to
be here all day tomorrow

468
00:19:18,991 --> 00:19:20,793
and the day after that,
all day.

469
00:19:20,893 --> 00:19:22,562
Day after that, all day.

470
00:19:22,762 --> 00:19:25,298
So I can sign for
your package, no problem.

471
00:19:25,432 --> 00:19:27,033
Fantastic, man,
I appreciate that.

472
00:19:27,234 --> 00:19:30,036
I owe you dinner, okay?
Oh, you don't--
Yeah, okay.

473
00:19:30,136 --> 00:19:33,240
It'll be fun.
I got a lot of planks
I gotta unload, so...

474
00:19:33,340 --> 00:19:34,574
All right.
But I'll see
you guys later?

475
00:19:34,707 --> 00:19:35,708
Yeah.
Okay.

476
00:19:35,842 --> 00:19:37,444
Just whenever.

477
00:19:39,246 --> 00:19:41,013
(farting)

478
00:19:41,248 --> 00:19:42,915
I thought
he would never leave.

479
00:19:43,015 --> 00:19:44,651
Ooh.
(farting)

480
00:19:44,751 --> 00:19:47,454
Ooh, ooh, ooh.

481
00:19:47,554 --> 00:19:49,689
Thank God you got this
toilet paper, Abbi.

482
00:19:49,789 --> 00:19:51,658
Ooh...
(farting)

483
00:19:51,758 --> 00:19:54,261
Oh, I totally
missed, Abbi!

484
00:19:54,361 --> 00:19:55,495
(laughing)
Oh!

485
00:19:58,030 --> 00:19:59,432
The graphics are sick.

486
00:19:59,532 --> 00:20:00,667
You can really see like,
the life

487
00:20:00,800 --> 00:20:03,270
drain out of the guy's
eyes-- It's pretty cool.

488
00:20:03,370 --> 00:20:05,638
I'd love to come over
and play sometime.
I wish.

489
00:20:05,738 --> 00:20:08,441
Abbi really doesn't like it
when I have friends over.

490
00:20:08,541 --> 00:20:10,643
I'll come to your place?
Absolutely.

491
00:20:10,743 --> 00:20:12,845
I'll make my special
rotisserie chicken.

492
00:20:12,979 --> 00:20:14,647
21 seasonings salute.

493
00:20:14,747 --> 00:20:15,748
Dude.

494
00:20:15,915 --> 00:20:17,317
How are you still single?

495
00:20:17,417 --> 00:20:19,852
It's just hard to meet
girls in this city.

496
00:20:20,019 --> 00:20:22,088
Dude, you gotta know
someone you can set me up with.

497
00:20:25,191 --> 00:20:26,459
You know what?

498
00:20:28,595 --> 00:20:31,130
No, I don't.

499
00:20:31,264 --> 00:20:32,265
Sorry.

500
00:20:36,269 --> 00:20:39,205
So this mole has grown like, 10
times bigger in the last year.

501
00:20:39,306 --> 00:20:40,840
Should I be worried?
Please.

502
00:20:40,940 --> 00:20:43,009
There's a cat I need
to put to sleep.

503
00:20:43,109 --> 00:20:45,278
Okay, but could you just
touch it really quickly?

504
00:20:45,412 --> 00:20:47,079
(beeping)
Am I thin?

505
00:20:47,179 --> 00:20:48,147
Like, for a dog?

506
00:20:48,281 --> 00:20:50,650
(beeping)
Well, the cat's dead.

507
00:20:50,750 --> 00:20:52,051
Let's do this.

508
00:20:52,184 --> 00:20:54,587
Wow, these hemorrhoids
really are bad.

509
00:20:54,687 --> 00:20:55,722
I know.

510
00:20:55,888 --> 00:20:57,757
I spend way too much
time on the toilet.

511
00:20:57,857 --> 00:20:58,891
Thanks.

512
00:20:58,991 --> 00:21:00,327
You know, I just can't
even control myself.

513
00:21:00,427 --> 00:21:01,828
Well, this should
do the trick.

514
00:21:01,928 --> 00:21:03,596
Now remember,
no scratching.

515
00:21:05,131 --> 00:21:06,499
Thanks again.

516
00:21:13,640 --> 00:21:15,174
Ugh...

517
00:21:20,112 --> 00:21:22,148
Oh God.

518
00:21:22,349 --> 00:21:23,916
(exhaling)

519
00:21:25,785 --> 00:21:27,186
(exhaling)