I can't really imagine what it's like
for people with blue eyes.
I've no idea, and I'm feeling like a (bleep) freak!
Exactly, dude, it's like... I think they can see backwards,
like into the eye.
Is that your vaporizer?
Vapelife.
Man, I wanna get high.
Here.
No, that does not work.
You can keep trying, but it's never gonna work.
I'll come over and smoke you right up.
Okay, and then we can go to BBB!
Peace.
(reverberating)
(man) Hey Ab--
I've been meaning to ask--
I'm missing like a bunch of my undies.
So I had an envelope up here with all of
my Bed, Bath & Beyond coupons.
I can't find it.
I threw them away, they were all expired.
Bed, Bath & Beyond coupons never expire.
They have expiration dates on them.
Yeah, to-- to throw idiots off!
Where do you think all this stuff comes from?
You think someone drops it off?
No! This is Bed, Bath & Beyond?
Yeah! Dude, they sell lots of stuff.
You just threw away bowls,
maybe coffee filters, a-- a new ottoman!
Well, you asked me to clean the fridge.
The inside of the fridge.
The inside of the fridge is fine.
It's all those junky coupons on top that had to go.
I guess that's totally on me, I guess.
Can't even do chores around the house!
Hey! I will not buy a Sodastream full price, Bevers!
I will not do it!
* Four and three and two and one *
*
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
(grunting)
Ooh!
Oh, my God.
(Abbi) Um, Ilana... Yeah?
You just pulled a bag of pot out of your vagina.
I know.
Why-- why would you do that?
I do it all the time.
Honestly, it's the safest way to travel.
Apparently, I have been smoking this tainted weed
for I don't even know how long.
I didn't mean that.
It's just disturbing to me.
I don't-- I don't know what to tell you.
It's in a bag.
And, you know, the "vaya-nya" is nature's pocket.
It's-- it's natural, and it's responsible.
I shouldn't even be bumming off of you.
(Ilana) Oh, who cares? No, I'm an adult.
I should be buying my own pot.
Wow!
Never thought this day would come, you know?
I would be honored and pleasured to facilitate this.
No, no, no.
None of your dudes.
I wanna get my own pot, okay?
I'm not gonna be like holding my mommy's hand while I buy drugs.
I can do this. (Ilana) You know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna be a grown-ass woman and do my taxes for once,
without my mommy and daddy.
Get it, bitch. I'm gonna call some old college buds,
a buncha weed-heads.
Hit 'em up!
I'm gonna get those taxes did.
I'll hop on the Q18, catch the N and then transfer to the R,
and get home in a tight 95 'cause the G ain't runnin'.
Whoa!
Um, but it was because someone jumped on the tracks
to kill themselves, it was really sad.
Love ya, bitch!
That really is sad.
*
I mean, good luck with the trial.
I'll be sendin' positive vibes.
Okay, all right.
Bye.
(cell phone vibrating)
Oh!
(woman) Abbi? Cheese?
Cheese.
No one's called me Cheese in, like, forever.
Um, I'm just callin' 'cause I was curious if you were still,
you know, like sellin' the greenery, 'cause, um,
'cause I'm lookin' to buy some greenery, so...
You still smoke pot?
Oh, Abbi.
This is a prank call! Bye!
So sad. (kids screaming)
(sighs)
I know, mommy knows.
Hemmy, you deserve to be a citizen so hard.
You are so good at doing my taxes.
Totally is a privilege for me.
You know, 'cause taxes pay for the gayest stuff.
Okay, who pays for the library? Taxes.
Parks? Beaches?
The Army. Hello?
Oh, and they pay for the policemen and the firemen, too,
if you think about it. That's right.
I just can't wait for the day that I walk by a policeman,
and I tell him,
"I pay for your outfit." Oh, my God.
You're gonna pay for a lot of outfits.
*
(Abbi) Weed?
You have any marijuana?
Pot? Pot?
I can find somebody.
It shouldn't be that hard.
Weed? Yeah, weed.
I mean, weed, yeah.
How much?
Um, I was thinking like an eighth.
Okay, I was gonna say, like, a quarter.
Wow, okay.
I mean, I wasn't prepared for that much.
Is-- is that what you need me to do?
It's what I'd like. Okay.
How much would that be?
You tell me.
Am I naming my own price here,
like, what-- I don't know.
That's-- that's what dealers do.
Wait, do you think that I'm the dealer?
You walk around the park sayin', "weed,
pot," people think you're a--
Or they could think that you were looking for it.
So...
*
Hey, um, so Hemmy and I are
working pretty hard to suck Uncle Sam's D up in here,
but we ran into like a pickle, wall--
I don't know what the saying is.
Um, we got the W2's and the W9's,
but where do we get three through eight? (Abbi) Dude, I don't know.
You get the things you get, you sign 'em, and you send 'em back.
She doesn't know, and she is mean.
(Abbi) I'm sorry that I snapped.
I'm in a bad mood.
I'm just-- I'm having a really hard time finding weed, okay?
Oh, I'm sorry.
I think I'm gonna give up on this.
This is like-- it was a long shot to begin with.
I mean, like, who do I think I am?
Heard you were looking for some... pizza.
Pizza? Yeah, grandma, pizza.
Pot.
Oh, okay.
Who are you Alex P. Keaton?
Do you want the pizza or not?
Yeah, yeah, I want it.
Ilana, I got the pizza.
Pizza?
Yeah, that's what the kids are callin' it.
I got it. Cool.
Pizza, very cool.
All right, sweet.
Let's meet at the ATM where that dude puked on you last week.
Okay. Peace.
We haven't finished your taxes yet.
And you know what a grown-up woman really does?
Pays someone else to do it.
Ah, the American way.
So, are you sure you just want the pot?
You should really try Oxy.
For $500, I'll sell you three pages
of my dad's prescription pad.
No, just the pot's fine.
I'm ashamed I ever called you Alex P. Keaton.
I have no idea who you're talking about.
*
Nice.
Okay, I wanna say something to you,
but you have to hear me out.
Okay. I really think you should put your weed in your front hole.
It's too dank to be out in the air, I'm telling you.
Like, I-- I'm not doing that.
So, look, I don't know what you--
Listen, we're gonna be runnin' around all day,
and there is literally no safer place.
I don't wanna get too graphic, but "vajinas" tend to mask the
smell-- and, you know, they're warm and they're moist,
and they have their own odor.
That's why-- Well, what's the graphic part
that you didn't wanna say, 'cause I feel like that
was like pretty head-on-the-nose.
That was graphic.
I'm not putting pot, like, up inside of me,
'cause I'm an adult, and I'm responsible.
Let's go get some candy.
(both) Ooh...
Kids used to say it would take them, like,
a week to get to the center of one of these bad boys.
But I know the trick to gettin' right to it.
(screaming)
What up, Ilana?
So I-- I bit into a jawbreaker, and my veneer fell out,
and now I am a literal monster.
I didn't know you had a veneer,
and I'm in that mouth on a regular basis.
Well, I broke it on a dog bone,
so I don't tell a lot of people,
to be honest.
You know, since we're bein' honest,
I want to share with you that I have prosthetic balls.
What? I'm just kiddin'!
So, can you fix it?
Yeah, I'm not doin' anything right now.
(mumbling) Chill. I'm on the phone, man.
So the earliest I could see you is 4:30.
Thank you so much, dude.
All right, so where were we?
Oh, yeah.
Yeesh! These all gotta come out.
What?
I'm just kiddin'.
I'm a real jokester today-- I had that one,
and the one earlier about prosthetic balls.
I'm crushin' it, two for two all day.
*
Okay.
I can't make heads or tails of this.
What is this for?
Oh, I got that for biking on the sidewalk,
but because I hadn't paid my last ticket
for biking on the sidewalk--
I gotta tell ya, this is all a mess,
'cause none of this is necessary or helpful.
Oh, come on, Killian Casey, C.P.A., I didn't know!
Oh, I didn't know, Killian.
My final question-- do you have any dependents?
Uh, I have a lot of independence, but, um--
I guess I have people who depend on me, too.
So, no? Correct.
I think I almost got this.
Got what?
I think it's, like, some sort of rocket ship or something.
It's my family.
This magic eye is your family?
It's a regular photograph.
I don't know, man. I don't care if you believe me or not.
Your refund comes to $52.
Cha-chang, cha-chang!
(Killian) It's combined State and Federal.
My fee is $125 for the day. What?
I'm giving you more than I'm getting back?
That's illegal. It's not illegal.
You're paying me to do your taxes for you.
Yeah, but I'm not gonna go negative
for my taxes to get done.
I shouldn't have done them in the first place.
You know what? I think we're done here.
Why don't you take your garbage...
and mail it out yourself.
You're not gonna mail it?
I thought this was a one-stop shop.
I came here for the stamps.
I see it, it's your family.
Get outta here. I got it.
Get outta here!
Who yells?
Go! Go!
My purse! Go!
Get out! Get outta here!
Give me that!
(screaming)
I'd have sex with that dude.
Would you have sex with that dude?
No, but I'd see him naked, you know?
Now, this dude, I would let in!
He loves his mom.
See, that guy-- trim beard,
he's very ambitious, he's reading.
I would do it.
What about him? He's pretty hot.
He's got huge balls.
Are you asking me if I'd make love with that dog?
I obviously mean if you were a dog.
Oh.
He's very muscular, really handsome.
I don't know.
I think I would need to know, like, what kinda dog I was
to be able to really answer that question.
Like, you can't just throw around answers.
You like hurt my head you're so smart, Ab.
What kinda dog would you be?
A slim pug.
Yeah. You knew that immediately.
Yeah, I thought about it before.
I would be a three-legged mutt, because I'd be like a highly
respected minority, and I'd be all the dogs' fetishes.
That-- Ilana, that is like a special choice.
Like, actually like a very selfish choice.
'Cause everybody's like ...
It's 4:00! We gotta go.
Dude, we have an appointment?
We need to get to the dentist.
I like how you call Lincoln the dentist.
He is the dentist.
*
Blam, blam, blam, blam, blam!
Blam, blam, blam, blam!
You know what it is, break yourself!
Oh my God!
Yes, let's turn up the nitrous.
I know you like that.
My God, it's good.
Oh, yeah.
You know, Ilana, we've been hangin' for a while, and the
arrangement we have now is cool--
the ol' sex buddies thing?
I love it, it's dope, 'cause I get to bone a lot.
Yeah.
But, you ever thought what it would be like to be in a--
a real relationship-- boyfriend-girlfriend?
It could be great.
"Oh, yeah, Lincoln, I do.
I do wanna date you seriously,
and I'm gonna stop gettin'
(bleep) out by random dudes.
I want stability, I wanna hang out with a guy
that has a six-figure income and a good job.
Suck his D all the time."
I know, I got it.
*
* You know I hate to see you leavin'... *
How many do you have?
Oh, know, this is, um-- I got this silver--
like it was just part of the toys.
No, children, how many children do you have?
Hello?
(boy) Mom, I never seen somebody do that before.
I'm not a mom!
You ever seen someone that's tired?
I don't sit there and say, "I bet you're a mom
'cause you have a kid."
I'm not a mom, I'm a grown-ass woman!
I deserve respect, I know what I want...
(smoke alarm beeping)
No, no, no, no! Oh! Damn it!
No, no, no!
No, no!
(screaming)
Ilana, I am like, I'm so sorry.
Like, this is insane.
I would-- this is not somethin' I would do.
Like, I would not do this.
Maybe it's the nitrous or maybe it's the weed,
but, uh, I don't care.
You just...
Doc? Yeah?
What's the ol' damage on the pearly--
Don't touch the tooth yet! Okay, okay.
I got it, got it. There's no damage.
I'm not charging you, first tooth is on me.
Lincoln... I can't.
You can't-- I can't have you pay my medical bills.
That's like-- All right, well,
a new veneer costs $1,400.
Thank you so much!
That's, like, really, really sweet.
Thank you.
It's okay, it's okay.
*
How you doin'?
I am, uh, doing my taxes, as you can see, and I just
need a manila envelope to seal the deal.
I just want a plain one, not one of your guys'.
No offense. None taken.
I hate this place. Oh.
Could just use the recycling bin.
It's right there.
I don't know, maybe not copy all the garbage to begin with.
Wasteful.
Packing a pillow with packing peanuts,
'cause that's necessary!
What do you pack packing peanuts with, pillows?
Pillows are nature's packing peanuts!
(man whispering) Abbi.
No, you're the fools!
You're garbage people living on garbage island!
Did you hear that?
Who are you, Joe Mainstreet?
I am not a mom!
She's had a lot of sugar today.
Yeah.
Abbi, are you okay?
You're having a literal tantrum.
I don't know, I just gotta get home.
Like, I just smoked so much weed my stomach really hurts.
Like, I think I kicked somebody in the face.
No, that was a cardboard cutout.
It's all good.
I just-- this is why I can't have my own weed.
It's the same thing as ice cream, and like cough syrup.
I just-- I just smoke so much, and then I just go nuts,
like I can't have it in the house.
I mean I have to keep bumming off of you.
That's fine, dude.
I love it! It's my pleasure.
If it makes you feel any better,
I'm sending these taxes to my parents.
I have to.
I'm not gonna be a tax expert overnight, you know?
It's a process, we're all going through a process.
You know, last year they got me $600 back, so.
I think they might just be sending you money.
They're just sending you money.
I think you're very wrong.
No, I think I'm right.
I just wanna get home and watch my shows.
I need you to take this pot.
I can't even, like, have it on--
Okay, there's a cop dog-- okay.
Just-- Jesus! Okay.
Ilana, you gotta take this.
You gotta take it.
I am stuffed to the gills, dude.
You got this.
You're a big girl.
C'mon.
It's just not fair.
C'mon, hurry up, bitch.
If you are not too dry, cause that would hurt.
That's disgusting.
You're just loving it, aren't you?
Give it a couple of minutes,
and I think you will enjoy yourself as well.
I'm telling you once it settles,
it starts to hit different points.
I'm feeling feverish.
Does it go through the bag?
long my nails are.
It makes me feel really feminine.
And I like that my eyes are really big and brown.
(Ilana) I love your eyes, too.
(Abbi) No, you have to say something about yourself.
(Ilana) Oh-- something I love about myself is-- rain or shine,
thick or thin-- if I have to take a dump,
I can go anywhere-- outside, inside,
sometimes even on queue.
(Abbi) I don't know, I'm picky.
I like it to be quiet.
I can't have a lot of people around.
You know what's the biggest luxury?
Pooping when no one's home.
(Ilana) Oh, my God, yes, especially when it's not your own house.
(Abbi) Wait, what?
(woman) Hey!
You guys can't be here if you don't have dogs!
We have dogs! We got dogs!
Where are your dogs?
Right here!
Well, all right.
Just... Yeah, well, great.
Happy-- I'm so happy for you.
You know, we're not gonna molest your dogs!
Unless we were dogs!
What did you say?
My mommy and daddy!
I was on my phone.
Can you just say it one more time?
Mommy and daddy!