1 00:00:08,500 --> 00:00:09,833 I can't really imagine what it's like 2 00:00:09,867 --> 00:00:11,567 for people with blue eyes. 3 00:00:11,600 --> 00:00:14,433 I've no idea, and I'm feeling like a (bleep) freak! 4 00:00:14,467 --> 00:00:17,333 Exactly, dude, it's like... I think they can see backwards, 5 00:00:17,367 --> 00:00:20,667 like into the eye. 6 00:00:20,700 --> 00:00:23,867 Is that your vaporizer? 7 00:00:23,900 --> 00:00:25,567 Vapelife. 8 00:00:25,600 --> 00:00:28,500 Man, I wanna get high. 9 00:00:28,533 --> 00:00:31,067 Here. 10 00:00:33,733 --> 00:00:35,367 No, that does not work. 11 00:00:35,400 --> 00:00:37,867 You can keep trying, but it's never gonna work. 12 00:00:37,900 --> 00:00:39,667 I'll come over and smoke you right up. 13 00:00:39,700 --> 00:00:43,367 Okay, and then we can go to BBB! 14 00:00:43,400 --> 00:00:44,667 Peace. 15 00:00:44,700 --> 00:00:47,033 (reverberating) 16 00:00:51,300 --> 00:00:53,500 (man) Hey Ab-- 17 00:00:53,533 --> 00:00:54,967 I've been meaning to ask-- 18 00:00:55,000 --> 00:00:57,267 I'm missing like a bunch of my undies. 19 00:00:57,300 --> 00:00:59,167 So I had an envelope up here with all of 20 00:00:59,200 --> 00:01:00,633 my Bed, Bath & Beyond coupons. 21 00:01:00,667 --> 00:01:01,800 I can't find it. 22 00:01:01,833 --> 00:01:03,467 I threw them away, they were all expired. 23 00:01:03,500 --> 00:01:08,433 Bed, Bath & Beyond coupons never expire. 24 00:01:08,467 --> 00:01:10,100 They have expiration dates on them. 25 00:01:10,133 --> 00:01:12,900 Yeah, to-- to throw idiots off! 26 00:01:12,933 --> 00:01:14,700 Where do you think all this stuff comes from? 27 00:01:14,733 --> 00:01:16,433 You think someone drops it off? 28 00:01:16,467 --> 00:01:18,533 No! This is Bed, Bath & Beyond? 29 00:01:18,567 --> 00:01:20,600 Yeah! Dude, they sell lots of stuff. 30 00:01:20,633 --> 00:01:23,000 You just threw away bowls, 31 00:01:23,033 --> 00:01:26,700 maybe coffee filters, a-- a new ottoman! 32 00:01:26,733 --> 00:01:28,300 Well, you asked me to clean the fridge. 33 00:01:28,333 --> 00:01:31,000 The inside of the fridge. 34 00:01:31,033 --> 00:01:32,400 The inside of the fridge is fine. 35 00:01:32,433 --> 00:01:34,967 It's all those junky coupons on top that had to go. 36 00:01:35,000 --> 00:01:37,000 I guess that's totally on me, I guess. 37 00:01:37,033 --> 00:01:38,700 Can't even do chores around the house! 38 00:01:38,733 --> 00:01:41,967 Hey! I will not buy a Sodastream full price, Bevers! 39 00:01:42,000 --> 00:01:43,400 I will not do it! 40 00:01:43,433 --> 00:01:45,400 * Four and three and two and one * 41 00:01:45,433 --> 00:01:48,400 * 42 00:01:53,533 --> 00:01:54,600 Yeah. 43 00:01:54,633 --> 00:01:56,833 Oh, yeah. 44 00:01:58,967 --> 00:02:01,867 (grunting) 45 00:02:01,900 --> 00:02:05,433 Ooh! 46 00:02:05,467 --> 00:02:07,167 Oh, my God. 47 00:02:07,200 --> 00:02:09,233 (Abbi) Um, Ilana... Yeah? 48 00:02:09,267 --> 00:02:11,900 You just pulled a bag of pot out of your vagina. 49 00:02:11,933 --> 00:02:13,567 I know. 50 00:02:13,600 --> 00:02:15,033 Why-- why would you do that? 51 00:02:15,067 --> 00:02:17,167 I do it all the time. 52 00:02:17,200 --> 00:02:18,967 Honestly, it's the safest way to travel. 53 00:02:19,000 --> 00:02:23,833 Apparently, I have been smoking this tainted weed 54 00:02:23,867 --> 00:02:25,367 for I don't even know how long. 55 00:02:25,400 --> 00:02:26,867 I didn't mean that. 56 00:02:26,900 --> 00:02:28,167 It's just disturbing to me. 57 00:02:28,200 --> 00:02:29,433 I don't-- I don't know what to tell you. 58 00:02:29,467 --> 00:02:31,133 It's in a bag. 59 00:02:31,167 --> 00:02:34,767 And, you know, the "vaya-nya" is nature's pocket. 60 00:02:34,800 --> 00:02:36,933 It's-- it's natural, and it's responsible. 61 00:02:36,967 --> 00:02:39,267 I shouldn't even be bumming off of you. 62 00:02:39,300 --> 00:02:41,400 (Ilana) Oh, who cares? No, I'm an adult. 63 00:02:41,433 --> 00:02:43,967 I should be buying my own pot. 64 00:02:44,000 --> 00:02:45,433 Wow! 65 00:02:45,467 --> 00:02:47,800 Never thought this day would come, you know? 66 00:02:47,833 --> 00:02:51,933 I would be honored and pleasured to facilitate this. 67 00:02:51,967 --> 00:02:53,033 No, no, no. 68 00:02:53,067 --> 00:02:54,200 None of your dudes. 69 00:02:54,233 --> 00:02:55,767 I wanna get my own pot, okay? 70 00:02:55,800 --> 00:02:58,567 I'm not gonna be like holding my mommy's hand while I buy drugs. 71 00:02:58,600 --> 00:02:59,967 I can do this. (Ilana) You know what I'm gonna do? 72 00:03:00,000 --> 00:03:02,933 I'm gonna be a grown-ass woman and do my taxes for once, 73 00:03:02,967 --> 00:03:08,600 without my mommy and daddy. 74 00:03:08,800 --> 00:03:11,333 Get it, bitch. I'm gonna call some old college buds, 75 00:03:11,367 --> 00:03:14,000 a buncha weed-heads. 76 00:03:14,033 --> 00:03:15,400 Hit 'em up! 77 00:03:15,433 --> 00:03:17,100 I'm gonna get those taxes did. 78 00:03:17,133 --> 00:03:19,367 I'll hop on the Q18, catch the N and then transfer to the R, 79 00:03:19,400 --> 00:03:22,900 and get home in a tight 95 'cause the G ain't runnin'. 80 00:03:22,933 --> 00:03:24,233 Whoa! 81 00:03:24,267 --> 00:03:25,667 Um, but it was because someone jumped on the tracks 82 00:03:25,700 --> 00:03:27,467 to kill themselves, it was really sad. 83 00:03:27,500 --> 00:03:29,200 Love ya, bitch! 84 00:03:29,233 --> 00:03:30,700 That really is sad. 85 00:03:30,733 --> 00:03:33,967 * 86 00:03:48,833 --> 00:03:50,033 I mean, good luck with the trial. 87 00:03:50,067 --> 00:03:52,367 I'll be sendin' positive vibes. 88 00:03:52,400 --> 00:03:53,567 Okay, all right. 89 00:03:53,600 --> 00:03:55,767 Bye. 90 00:03:59,000 --> 00:04:01,767 (cell phone vibrating) 91 00:04:01,800 --> 00:04:03,267 Oh! 92 00:04:03,300 --> 00:04:05,133 (woman) Abbi? Cheese? 93 00:04:05,167 --> 00:04:06,533 Cheese. 94 00:04:06,567 --> 00:04:08,900 No one's called me Cheese in, like, forever. 95 00:04:08,933 --> 00:04:12,967 Um, I'm just callin' 'cause I was curious if you were still, 96 00:04:13,000 --> 00:04:17,700 you know, like sellin' the greenery, 'cause, um, 97 00:04:17,733 --> 00:04:20,733 'cause I'm lookin' to buy some greenery, so... 98 00:04:20,767 --> 00:04:23,533 You still smoke pot? 99 00:04:23,567 --> 00:04:25,567 Oh, Abbi. 100 00:04:25,600 --> 00:04:28,233 This is a prank call! Bye! 101 00:04:28,267 --> 00:04:30,633 So sad. (kids screaming) 102 00:04:30,667 --> 00:04:33,767 (sighs) 103 00:04:33,800 --> 00:04:36,633 I know, mommy knows. 104 00:04:40,700 --> 00:04:43,000 Hemmy, you deserve to be a citizen so hard. 105 00:04:43,033 --> 00:04:45,133 You are so good at doing my taxes. 106 00:04:45,167 --> 00:04:46,733 Totally is a privilege for me. 107 00:04:46,767 --> 00:04:49,967 You know, 'cause taxes pay for the gayest stuff. 108 00:04:50,000 --> 00:04:51,700 Okay, who pays for the library? Taxes. 109 00:04:51,733 --> 00:04:53,533 Parks? Beaches? 110 00:04:53,567 --> 00:04:55,633 The Army. Hello? 111 00:04:55,667 --> 00:04:57,567 Oh, and they pay for the policemen and the firemen, too, 112 00:04:57,600 --> 00:05:01,133 if you think about it. That's right. 113 00:05:01,167 --> 00:05:04,767 I just can't wait for the day that I walk by a policeman, 114 00:05:04,800 --> 00:05:06,133 and I tell him, 115 00:05:06,167 --> 00:05:09,167 "I pay for your outfit." Oh, my God. 116 00:05:09,200 --> 00:05:11,667 You're gonna pay for a lot of outfits. 117 00:05:11,700 --> 00:05:14,800 * 118 00:05:14,833 --> 00:05:17,100 (Abbi) Weed? 119 00:05:17,133 --> 00:05:19,467 You have any marijuana? 120 00:05:19,500 --> 00:05:22,267 Pot? Pot? 121 00:05:23,800 --> 00:05:24,933 I can find somebody. 122 00:05:24,967 --> 00:05:27,167 It shouldn't be that hard. 123 00:05:29,267 --> 00:05:30,900 Weed? Yeah, weed. 124 00:05:30,933 --> 00:05:33,667 I mean, weed, yeah. 125 00:05:33,700 --> 00:05:35,300 How much? 126 00:05:35,333 --> 00:05:37,033 Um, I was thinking like an eighth. 127 00:05:37,067 --> 00:05:38,500 Okay, I was gonna say, like, a quarter. 128 00:05:38,533 --> 00:05:40,367 Wow, okay. 129 00:05:40,400 --> 00:05:43,667 I mean, I wasn't prepared for that much. 130 00:05:43,700 --> 00:05:46,567 Is-- is that what you need me to do? 131 00:05:46,600 --> 00:05:50,000 It's what I'd like. Okay. 132 00:05:50,033 --> 00:05:51,833 How much would that be? 133 00:05:51,867 --> 00:05:53,167 You tell me. 134 00:05:53,200 --> 00:05:54,400 Am I naming my own price here, 135 00:05:54,433 --> 00:05:55,700 like, what-- I don't know. 136 00:05:55,733 --> 00:05:57,533 That's-- that's what dealers do. 137 00:05:57,567 --> 00:06:00,567 Wait, do you think that I'm the dealer? 138 00:06:00,600 --> 00:06:02,200 You walk around the park sayin', "weed, 139 00:06:02,233 --> 00:06:04,767 pot," people think you're a-- 140 00:06:04,800 --> 00:06:07,533 Or they could think that you were looking for it. 141 00:06:07,567 --> 00:06:08,967 So... 142 00:06:09,000 --> 00:06:11,900 * 143 00:06:13,367 --> 00:06:14,800 Hey, um, so Hemmy and I are 144 00:06:14,833 --> 00:06:18,533 working pretty hard to suck Uncle Sam's D up in here, 145 00:06:18,567 --> 00:06:21,133 but we ran into like a pickle, wall-- 146 00:06:21,167 --> 00:06:22,500 I don't know what the saying is. 147 00:06:22,533 --> 00:06:24,633 Um, we got the W2's and the W9's, 148 00:06:24,667 --> 00:06:26,767 but where do we get three through eight? (Abbi) Dude, I don't know. 149 00:06:26,800 --> 00:06:29,367 You get the things you get, you sign 'em, and you send 'em back. 150 00:06:29,400 --> 00:06:31,000 She doesn't know, and she is mean. 151 00:06:31,033 --> 00:06:32,700 (Abbi) I'm sorry that I snapped. 152 00:06:32,733 --> 00:06:34,367 I'm in a bad mood. 153 00:06:34,400 --> 00:06:37,400 I'm just-- I'm having a really hard time finding weed, okay? 154 00:06:37,433 --> 00:06:40,133 Oh, I'm sorry. 155 00:06:40,167 --> 00:06:41,433 I think I'm gonna give up on this. 156 00:06:41,467 --> 00:06:43,433 This is like-- it was a long shot to begin with. 157 00:06:43,467 --> 00:06:44,967 I mean, like, who do I think I am? 158 00:06:45,000 --> 00:06:48,600 Heard you were looking for some... pizza. 159 00:06:48,633 --> 00:06:52,933 Pizza? Yeah, grandma, pizza. 160 00:06:52,967 --> 00:06:54,267 Pot. 161 00:06:54,300 --> 00:06:56,767 Oh, okay. 162 00:06:56,800 --> 00:06:58,200 Who are you Alex P. Keaton? 163 00:06:58,233 --> 00:06:59,433 Do you want the pizza or not? 164 00:06:59,467 --> 00:07:00,967 Yeah, yeah, I want it. 165 00:07:01,000 --> 00:07:02,333 Ilana, I got the pizza. 166 00:07:02,367 --> 00:07:03,533 Pizza? 167 00:07:03,567 --> 00:07:04,700 Yeah, that's what the kids are callin' it. 168 00:07:04,733 --> 00:07:05,933 I got it. Cool. 169 00:07:05,967 --> 00:07:07,600 Pizza, very cool. 170 00:07:07,633 --> 00:07:09,067 All right, sweet. 171 00:07:09,100 --> 00:07:11,633 Let's meet at the ATM where that dude puked on you last week. 172 00:07:11,667 --> 00:07:13,633 Okay. Peace. 173 00:07:13,667 --> 00:07:15,167 We haven't finished your taxes yet. 174 00:07:15,200 --> 00:07:17,067 And you know what a grown-up woman really does? 175 00:07:17,100 --> 00:07:18,467 Pays someone else to do it. 176 00:07:18,500 --> 00:07:20,733 Ah, the American way. 177 00:07:22,933 --> 00:07:25,000 So, are you sure you just want the pot? 178 00:07:25,033 --> 00:07:27,400 You should really try Oxy. 179 00:07:27,433 --> 00:07:29,700 For $500, I'll sell you three pages 180 00:07:29,733 --> 00:07:31,400 of my dad's prescription pad. 181 00:07:31,433 --> 00:07:33,600 No, just the pot's fine. 182 00:07:33,633 --> 00:07:35,667 I'm ashamed I ever called you Alex P. Keaton. 183 00:07:35,700 --> 00:07:38,300 I have no idea who you're talking about. 184 00:07:39,367 --> 00:07:42,433 * 185 00:07:45,267 --> 00:07:46,900 Nice. 186 00:07:46,933 --> 00:07:48,100 Okay, I wanna say something to you, 187 00:07:48,133 --> 00:07:50,733 but you have to hear me out. 188 00:07:50,767 --> 00:07:54,000 Okay. I really think you should put your weed in your front hole. 189 00:07:54,033 --> 00:07:56,233 It's too dank to be out in the air, I'm telling you. 190 00:07:56,267 --> 00:07:57,800 Like, I-- I'm not doing that. 191 00:07:57,833 --> 00:07:59,067 So, look, I don't know what you-- 192 00:07:59,100 --> 00:08:00,200 Listen, we're gonna be runnin' around all day, 193 00:08:00,233 --> 00:08:03,000 and there is literally no safer place. 194 00:08:03,033 --> 00:08:05,600 I don't wanna get too graphic, but "vajinas" tend to mask the 195 00:08:05,633 --> 00:08:08,167 smell-- and, you know, they're warm and they're moist, 196 00:08:08,200 --> 00:08:09,467 and they have their own odor. 197 00:08:09,500 --> 00:08:10,767 That's why-- Well, what's the graphic part 198 00:08:10,800 --> 00:08:11,933 that you didn't wanna say, 'cause I feel like that 199 00:08:11,967 --> 00:08:13,867 was like pretty head-on-the-nose. 200 00:08:13,900 --> 00:08:15,700 That was graphic. 201 00:08:15,733 --> 00:08:18,333 I'm not putting pot, like, up inside of me, 202 00:08:18,367 --> 00:08:22,700 'cause I'm an adult, and I'm responsible. 203 00:08:22,733 --> 00:08:25,000 Let's go get some candy. 204 00:08:28,267 --> 00:08:30,333 (both) Ooh... 205 00:08:30,367 --> 00:08:31,667 Kids used to say it would take them, like, 206 00:08:31,700 --> 00:08:34,433 a week to get to the center of one of these bad boys. 207 00:08:34,467 --> 00:08:37,033 But I know the trick to gettin' right to it. 208 00:08:45,467 --> 00:08:49,500 (screaming) 209 00:08:53,267 --> 00:08:54,600 What up, Ilana? 210 00:08:54,633 --> 00:08:57,167 So I-- I bit into a jawbreaker, and my veneer fell out, 211 00:08:57,200 --> 00:08:59,433 and now I am a literal monster. 212 00:08:59,467 --> 00:09:00,833 I didn't know you had a veneer, 213 00:09:00,867 --> 00:09:02,967 and I'm in that mouth on a regular basis. 214 00:09:03,000 --> 00:09:04,267 Well, I broke it on a dog bone, 215 00:09:04,300 --> 00:09:05,400 so I don't tell a lot of people, 216 00:09:05,433 --> 00:09:06,600 to be honest. 217 00:09:06,633 --> 00:09:08,467 You know, since we're bein' honest, 218 00:09:08,500 --> 00:09:14,733 I want to share with you that I have prosthetic balls. 219 00:09:14,767 --> 00:09:18,100 What? I'm just kiddin'! 220 00:09:19,833 --> 00:09:21,133 So, can you fix it? 221 00:09:21,167 --> 00:09:22,367 Yeah, I'm not doin' anything right now. 222 00:09:22,567 --> 00:09:26,000 (mumbling) Chill. I'm on the phone, man. 223 00:09:26,033 --> 00:09:31,000 So the earliest I could see you is 4:30. 224 00:09:31,033 --> 00:09:32,767 Thank you so much, dude. 225 00:09:32,800 --> 00:09:34,433 All right, so where were we? 226 00:09:34,467 --> 00:09:36,133 Oh, yeah. 227 00:09:36,167 --> 00:09:38,633 Yeesh! These all gotta come out. 228 00:09:38,667 --> 00:09:40,200 What? 229 00:09:40,233 --> 00:09:42,967 I'm just kiddin'. 230 00:09:43,000 --> 00:09:45,233 I'm a real jokester today-- I had that one, 231 00:09:45,267 --> 00:09:47,600 and the one earlier about prosthetic balls. 232 00:09:47,633 --> 00:09:51,300 I'm crushin' it, two for two all day. 233 00:09:51,333 --> 00:09:53,967 * 234 00:09:55,167 --> 00:09:56,200 Okay. 235 00:09:56,233 --> 00:09:58,267 I can't make heads or tails of this. 236 00:09:58,300 --> 00:09:59,733 What is this for? 237 00:09:59,767 --> 00:10:01,167 Oh, I got that for biking on the sidewalk, 238 00:10:01,367 --> 00:10:03,500 but because I hadn't paid my last ticket 239 00:10:03,533 --> 00:10:04,833 for biking on the sidewalk-- 240 00:10:04,867 --> 00:10:06,567 I gotta tell ya, this is all a mess, 241 00:10:06,600 --> 00:10:09,067 'cause none of this is necessary or helpful. 242 00:10:09,100 --> 00:10:14,133 Oh, come on, Killian Casey, C.P.A., I didn't know! 243 00:10:14,167 --> 00:10:16,233 Oh, I didn't know, Killian. 244 00:10:16,267 --> 00:10:18,933 My final question-- do you have any dependents? 245 00:10:18,967 --> 00:10:25,400 Uh, I have a lot of independence, but, um-- 246 00:10:25,433 --> 00:10:28,267 I guess I have people who depend on me, too. 247 00:10:28,300 --> 00:10:31,567 So, no? Correct. 248 00:10:33,133 --> 00:10:34,600 I think I almost got this. 249 00:10:34,633 --> 00:10:35,933 Got what? 250 00:10:35,967 --> 00:10:41,500 I think it's, like, some sort of rocket ship or something. 251 00:10:41,533 --> 00:10:43,133 It's my family. 252 00:10:43,167 --> 00:10:44,900 This magic eye is your family? 253 00:10:44,933 --> 00:10:46,600 It's a regular photograph. 254 00:10:46,633 --> 00:10:50,300 I don't know, man. I don't care if you believe me or not. 255 00:10:52,233 --> 00:10:54,333 Your refund comes to $52. 256 00:10:54,367 --> 00:10:55,967 Cha-chang, cha-chang! 257 00:10:56,000 --> 00:10:57,833 (Killian) It's combined State and Federal. 258 00:10:57,867 --> 00:11:01,667 My fee is $125 for the day. What? 259 00:11:01,700 --> 00:11:04,567 I'm giving you more than I'm getting back? 260 00:11:04,600 --> 00:11:07,033 That's illegal. It's not illegal. 261 00:11:07,067 --> 00:11:08,667 You're paying me to do your taxes for you. 262 00:11:08,700 --> 00:11:10,933 Yeah, but I'm not gonna go negative 263 00:11:10,967 --> 00:11:12,767 for my taxes to get done. 264 00:11:12,800 --> 00:11:14,267 I shouldn't have done them in the first place. 265 00:11:14,300 --> 00:11:16,567 You know what? I think we're done here. 266 00:11:16,600 --> 00:11:20,000 Why don't you take your garbage... 267 00:11:20,033 --> 00:11:21,700 and mail it out yourself. 268 00:11:21,733 --> 00:11:23,033 You're not gonna mail it? 269 00:11:23,067 --> 00:11:24,733 I thought this was a one-stop shop. 270 00:11:24,767 --> 00:11:27,433 I came here for the stamps. 271 00:11:28,967 --> 00:11:30,300 I see it, it's your family. 272 00:11:30,333 --> 00:11:31,367 Get outta here. I got it. 273 00:11:31,400 --> 00:11:33,033 Get outta here! 274 00:11:33,067 --> 00:11:34,933 Who yells? 275 00:11:34,967 --> 00:11:36,867 Go! Go! 276 00:11:36,900 --> 00:11:38,867 My purse! Go! 277 00:11:38,900 --> 00:11:40,533 Get out! Get outta here! 278 00:11:40,567 --> 00:11:42,867 Give me that! 279 00:11:46,067 --> 00:11:47,900 (screaming) 280 00:11:54,067 --> 00:11:55,200 I'd have sex with that dude. 281 00:11:55,233 --> 00:11:56,333 Would you have sex with that dude? 282 00:11:56,367 --> 00:11:59,600 No, but I'd see him naked, you know? 283 00:11:59,800 --> 00:12:03,133 Now, this dude, I would let in! 284 00:12:03,167 --> 00:12:05,233 He loves his mom. 285 00:12:05,267 --> 00:12:08,333 See, that guy-- trim beard, 286 00:12:08,367 --> 00:12:10,800 he's very ambitious, he's reading. 287 00:12:10,833 --> 00:12:12,933 I would do it. 288 00:12:12,967 --> 00:12:15,133 What about him? He's pretty hot. 289 00:12:15,167 --> 00:12:18,467 He's got huge balls. 290 00:12:18,500 --> 00:12:21,567 Are you asking me if I'd make love with that dog? 291 00:12:21,600 --> 00:12:24,033 I obviously mean if you were a dog. 292 00:12:24,067 --> 00:12:25,767 Oh. 293 00:12:25,800 --> 00:12:28,600 He's very muscular, really handsome. 294 00:12:28,633 --> 00:12:29,867 I don't know. 295 00:12:29,900 --> 00:12:32,133 I think I would need to know, like, what kinda dog I was 296 00:12:32,167 --> 00:12:33,967 to be able to really answer that question. 297 00:12:34,000 --> 00:12:37,300 Like, you can't just throw around answers. 298 00:12:37,333 --> 00:12:40,333 You like hurt my head you're so smart, Ab. 299 00:12:40,367 --> 00:12:41,667 What kinda dog would you be? 300 00:12:41,700 --> 00:12:44,600 A slim pug. 301 00:12:44,633 --> 00:12:46,133 Yeah. You knew that immediately. 302 00:12:46,167 --> 00:12:47,700 Yeah, I thought about it before. 303 00:12:47,733 --> 00:12:49,967 I would be a three-legged mutt, because I'd be like a highly 304 00:12:50,000 --> 00:12:53,100 respected minority, and I'd be all the dogs' fetishes. 305 00:12:53,133 --> 00:12:56,867 That-- Ilana, that is like a special choice. 306 00:12:56,900 --> 00:12:59,067 Like, actually like a very selfish choice. 307 00:12:59,100 --> 00:13:02,800 'Cause everybody's like ... 308 00:13:04,933 --> 00:13:07,167 It's 4:00! We gotta go. 309 00:13:07,200 --> 00:13:08,267 Dude, we have an appointment? 310 00:13:08,300 --> 00:13:09,833 We need to get to the dentist. 311 00:13:09,867 --> 00:13:11,933 I like how you call Lincoln the dentist. 312 00:13:11,967 --> 00:13:14,300 He is the dentist. 313 00:13:14,333 --> 00:13:16,667 * 314 00:13:16,700 --> 00:13:18,033 Blam, blam, blam, blam, blam! 315 00:13:18,067 --> 00:13:19,767 Blam, blam, blam, blam! 316 00:13:19,800 --> 00:13:21,633 You know what it is, break yourself! 317 00:13:21,667 --> 00:13:23,400 Oh my God! 318 00:13:23,433 --> 00:13:25,567 Yes, let's turn up the nitrous. 319 00:13:25,600 --> 00:13:26,700 I know you like that. 320 00:13:26,733 --> 00:13:28,333 My God, it's good. 321 00:13:28,367 --> 00:13:29,800 Oh, yeah. 322 00:13:29,833 --> 00:13:34,067 You know, Ilana, we've been hangin' for a while, and the 323 00:13:34,100 --> 00:13:36,167 arrangement we have now is cool-- 324 00:13:36,200 --> 00:13:38,667 the ol' sex buddies thing? 325 00:13:38,700 --> 00:13:41,400 I love it, it's dope, 'cause I get to bone a lot. 326 00:13:41,433 --> 00:13:42,800 Yeah. 327 00:13:42,833 --> 00:13:45,033 But, you ever thought what it would be like to be in a-- 328 00:13:45,067 --> 00:13:49,200 a real relationship-- boyfriend-girlfriend? 329 00:13:49,233 --> 00:13:52,200 It could be great. 330 00:13:53,800 --> 00:13:56,233 "Oh, yeah, Lincoln, I do. 331 00:13:56,267 --> 00:13:58,200 I do wanna date you seriously, 332 00:13:58,233 --> 00:13:59,467 and I'm gonna stop gettin' 333 00:13:59,500 --> 00:14:01,733 (bleep) out by random dudes. 334 00:14:01,767 --> 00:14:04,667 I want stability, I wanna hang out with a guy 335 00:14:04,700 --> 00:14:08,767 that has a six-figure income and a good job. 336 00:14:08,800 --> 00:14:12,333 Suck his D all the time." 337 00:14:19,000 --> 00:14:22,200 I know, I got it. 338 00:14:23,567 --> 00:14:25,967 * 339 00:14:47,633 --> 00:14:51,000 * You know I hate to see you leavin'... * 340 00:14:51,033 --> 00:14:52,533 How many do you have? 341 00:14:52,567 --> 00:14:54,967 Oh, know, this is, um-- I got this silver-- 342 00:14:55,000 --> 00:14:56,633 like it was just part of the toys. 343 00:14:56,667 --> 00:15:00,100 No, children, how many children do you have? 344 00:15:01,267 --> 00:15:03,833 Hello? 345 00:15:11,133 --> 00:15:14,967 (boy) Mom, I never seen somebody do that before. 346 00:15:17,367 --> 00:15:20,433 I'm not a mom! 347 00:15:20,467 --> 00:15:23,467 You ever seen someone that's tired? 348 00:15:23,500 --> 00:15:25,033 I don't sit there and say, "I bet you're a mom 349 00:15:25,067 --> 00:15:27,700 'cause you have a kid." 350 00:15:27,733 --> 00:15:30,667 I'm not a mom, I'm a grown-ass woman! 351 00:15:30,700 --> 00:15:33,100 I deserve respect, I know what I want... 352 00:15:33,133 --> 00:15:35,400 (smoke alarm beeping) 353 00:15:35,433 --> 00:15:38,433 No, no, no, no! Oh! Damn it! 354 00:15:41,433 --> 00:15:42,500 No, no, no! 355 00:15:42,533 --> 00:15:43,500 No, no! 356 00:15:43,533 --> 00:15:46,133 (screaming) 357 00:15:48,033 --> 00:15:50,400 Ilana, I am like, I'm so sorry. 358 00:15:50,433 --> 00:15:52,067 Like, this is insane. 359 00:15:52,100 --> 00:15:54,733 I would-- this is not somethin' I would do. 360 00:15:54,767 --> 00:15:56,233 Like, I would not do this. 361 00:15:56,267 --> 00:16:00,867 Maybe it's the nitrous or maybe it's the weed, 362 00:16:00,900 --> 00:16:04,467 but, uh, I don't care. 363 00:16:04,500 --> 00:16:07,833 You just... 364 00:16:07,867 --> 00:16:09,433 Doc? Yeah? 365 00:16:09,467 --> 00:16:11,167 What's the ol' damage on the pearly-- 366 00:16:11,200 --> 00:16:13,167 Don't touch the tooth yet! Okay, okay. 367 00:16:13,200 --> 00:16:15,533 I got it, got it. There's no damage. 368 00:16:15,567 --> 00:16:17,767 I'm not charging you, first tooth is on me. 369 00:16:17,800 --> 00:16:19,433 Lincoln... I can't. 370 00:16:19,467 --> 00:16:21,033 You can't-- I can't have you pay my medical bills. 371 00:16:21,067 --> 00:16:22,967 That's like-- All right, well, 372 00:16:23,000 --> 00:16:26,333 a new veneer costs $1,400. 373 00:16:26,367 --> 00:16:28,833 Thank you so much! 374 00:16:28,867 --> 00:16:32,133 That's, like, really, really sweet. 375 00:16:32,167 --> 00:16:34,467 Thank you. 376 00:16:50,967 --> 00:16:53,367 It's okay, it's okay. 377 00:17:04,833 --> 00:17:07,433 * 378 00:17:07,467 --> 00:17:08,867 How you doin'? 379 00:17:08,900 --> 00:17:13,267 I am, uh, doing my taxes, as you can see, and I just 380 00:17:13,300 --> 00:17:16,867 need a manila envelope to seal the deal. 381 00:17:16,900 --> 00:17:19,933 I just want a plain one, not one of your guys'. 382 00:17:19,967 --> 00:17:21,867 No offense. None taken. 383 00:17:21,900 --> 00:17:25,133 I hate this place. Oh. 384 00:17:30,767 --> 00:17:32,433 Could just use the recycling bin. 385 00:17:32,467 --> 00:17:33,933 It's right there. 386 00:17:33,967 --> 00:17:37,667 I don't know, maybe not copy all the garbage to begin with. 387 00:17:37,700 --> 00:17:39,967 Wasteful. 388 00:17:41,767 --> 00:17:43,133 Packing a pillow with packing peanuts, 389 00:17:43,167 --> 00:17:44,833 'cause that's necessary! 390 00:17:44,867 --> 00:17:46,733 What do you pack packing peanuts with, pillows? 391 00:17:46,767 --> 00:17:48,933 Pillows are nature's packing peanuts! 392 00:17:48,967 --> 00:17:51,333 (man whispering) Abbi. 393 00:18:05,733 --> 00:18:09,267 No, you're the fools! 394 00:18:09,300 --> 00:18:13,333 You're garbage people living on garbage island! 395 00:18:13,367 --> 00:18:14,567 Did you hear that? 396 00:18:14,600 --> 00:18:18,133 Who are you, Joe Mainstreet? 397 00:18:18,167 --> 00:18:21,367 I am not a mom! 398 00:18:27,600 --> 00:18:30,133 She's had a lot of sugar today. 399 00:18:30,167 --> 00:18:31,333 Yeah. 400 00:18:31,367 --> 00:18:32,800 Abbi, are you okay? 401 00:18:32,833 --> 00:18:34,400 You're having a literal tantrum. 402 00:18:34,433 --> 00:18:35,867 I don't know, I just gotta get home. 403 00:18:35,900 --> 00:18:38,500 Like, I just smoked so much weed my stomach really hurts. 404 00:18:38,533 --> 00:18:41,633 Like, I think I kicked somebody in the face. 405 00:18:41,667 --> 00:18:43,567 No, that was a cardboard cutout. 406 00:18:43,600 --> 00:18:45,367 It's all good. 407 00:18:45,400 --> 00:18:47,333 I just-- this is why I can't have my own weed. 408 00:18:47,367 --> 00:18:49,767 It's the same thing as ice cream, and like cough syrup. 409 00:18:49,800 --> 00:18:52,233 I just-- I just smoke so much, and then I just go nuts, 410 00:18:52,267 --> 00:18:54,533 like I can't have it in the house. 411 00:18:54,567 --> 00:18:55,900 I mean I have to keep bumming off of you. 412 00:18:55,933 --> 00:18:57,433 That's fine, dude. 413 00:18:57,467 --> 00:18:59,933 I love it! It's my pleasure. 414 00:18:59,967 --> 00:19:01,100 If it makes you feel any better, 415 00:19:01,133 --> 00:19:03,000 I'm sending these taxes to my parents. 416 00:19:03,033 --> 00:19:04,400 I have to. 417 00:19:04,433 --> 00:19:06,467 I'm not gonna be a tax expert overnight, you know? 418 00:19:06,500 --> 00:19:08,600 It's a process, we're all going through a process. 419 00:19:08,633 --> 00:19:11,600 You know, last year they got me $600 back, so. 420 00:19:11,633 --> 00:19:13,767 I think they might just be sending you money. 421 00:19:13,800 --> 00:19:15,433 They're just sending you money. 422 00:19:15,467 --> 00:19:16,667 I think you're very wrong. 423 00:19:16,700 --> 00:19:19,433 No, I think I'm right. 424 00:19:19,467 --> 00:19:21,667 I just wanna get home and watch my shows. 425 00:19:21,700 --> 00:19:22,900 I need you to take this pot. 426 00:19:22,933 --> 00:19:25,200 I can't even, like, have it on-- 427 00:19:25,233 --> 00:19:27,667 Okay, there's a cop dog-- okay. 428 00:19:27,700 --> 00:19:30,733 Just-- Jesus! Okay. 429 00:19:30,767 --> 00:19:32,167 Ilana, you gotta take this. 430 00:19:32,200 --> 00:19:33,400 You gotta take it. 431 00:19:33,433 --> 00:19:35,267 I am stuffed to the gills, dude. 432 00:19:35,300 --> 00:19:37,167 You got this. 433 00:19:37,200 --> 00:19:38,367 You're a big girl. 434 00:19:38,400 --> 00:19:40,833 C'mon. 435 00:19:40,867 --> 00:19:43,900 It's just not fair. 436 00:19:43,933 --> 00:19:47,800 C'mon, hurry up, bitch. 437 00:19:47,833 --> 00:19:51,100 If you are not too dry, cause that would hurt. 438 00:19:51,133 --> 00:19:53,333 That's disgusting. 439 00:19:53,367 --> 00:19:55,400 You're just loving it, aren't you? 440 00:19:55,433 --> 00:19:56,967 Give it a couple of minutes, 441 00:19:57,000 --> 00:20:01,333 and I think you will enjoy yourself as well. 442 00:20:01,367 --> 00:20:02,633 I'm telling you once it settles, 443 00:20:02,667 --> 00:20:05,200 it starts to hit different points. 444 00:20:05,233 --> 00:20:06,367 I'm feeling feverish. 445 00:20:06,400 --> 00:20:08,933 Does it go through the bag? 446 00:20:08,967 --> 00:20:10,433 long my nails are. 447 00:20:10,467 --> 00:20:12,133 It makes me feel really feminine. 448 00:20:12,167 --> 00:20:14,733 And I like that my eyes are really big and brown. 449 00:20:14,767 --> 00:20:16,367 (Ilana) I love your eyes, too. 450 00:20:16,400 --> 00:20:18,033 (Abbi) No, you have to say something about yourself. 451 00:20:18,067 --> 00:20:21,267 (Ilana) Oh-- something I love about myself is-- rain or shine, 452 00:20:21,300 --> 00:20:23,300 thick or thin-- if I have to take a dump, 453 00:20:23,333 --> 00:20:26,167 I can go anywhere-- outside, inside, 454 00:20:26,200 --> 00:20:28,067 sometimes even on queue. 455 00:20:28,100 --> 00:20:29,567 (Abbi) I don't know, I'm picky. 456 00:20:29,600 --> 00:20:31,067 I like it to be quiet. 457 00:20:31,100 --> 00:20:32,633 I can't have a lot of people around. 458 00:20:32,667 --> 00:20:35,367 You know what's the biggest luxury? 459 00:20:35,400 --> 00:20:37,067 Pooping when no one's home. 460 00:20:37,100 --> 00:20:39,100 (Ilana) Oh, my God, yes, especially when it's not your own house. 461 00:20:39,133 --> 00:20:40,400 (Abbi) Wait, what? 462 00:20:40,433 --> 00:20:42,333 (woman) Hey! 463 00:20:42,367 --> 00:20:45,067 You guys can't be here if you don't have dogs! 464 00:20:45,100 --> 00:20:47,400 We have dogs! We got dogs! 465 00:20:47,600 --> 00:20:49,267 Where are your dogs? 466 00:20:49,300 --> 00:20:51,900 Where are your dogs? 467 00:20:51,933 --> 00:20:53,867 Right here! 468 00:20:55,867 --> 00:20:57,033 Well, all right. 469 00:20:57,067 --> 00:20:59,233 Just... Yeah, well, great. 470 00:20:59,267 --> 00:21:01,400 Happy-- I'm so happy for you. 471 00:21:01,433 --> 00:21:03,533 You know, we're not gonna molest your dogs! 472 00:21:03,567 --> 00:21:05,533 Unless we were dogs! 473 00:21:16,133 --> 00:21:17,333 What did you say? 474 00:21:17,367 --> 00:21:21,067 My mommy and daddy! 475 00:21:21,100 --> 00:21:22,400 I was on my phone. 476 00:21:22,433 --> 00:21:24,067 Can you just say it one more time? 477 00:21:24,100 --> 00:21:24,167 Mommy and daddy!