1 00:00:11,545 --> 00:00:14,014 (whirring) 2 00:00:14,148 --> 00:00:16,517 (music playing) 3 00:00:17,385 --> 00:00:19,320 (computer alert beeping) 4 00:00:19,453 --> 00:00:22,390 Ab, Ab, Ab-- No joke, today is the day 5 00:00:22,490 --> 00:00:24,192 we become Abbi and Ilana, the boss bitches 6 00:00:24,292 --> 00:00:25,693 we are in our minds. 7 00:00:25,793 --> 00:00:26,827 Are you with me? 8 00:00:26,927 --> 00:00:29,097 Yeah, I'm with you, awesome. 9 00:00:31,699 --> 00:00:32,800 Are you-- Is that the whole thing? 10 00:00:32,933 --> 00:00:34,335 Obviously I have a plan. 11 00:00:34,502 --> 00:00:38,272 Tonight we are going to see a secret pop-up Lil Wayne concert 12 00:00:38,406 --> 00:00:39,440 at Bowery Ballroom. 13 00:00:39,607 --> 00:00:41,675 I can't, I'm so broke. No excuses, girl. 14 00:00:41,809 --> 00:00:43,577 I'm getting big ol' balls of mozzarella today. 15 00:00:43,711 --> 00:00:44,578 Chea-- Get it! 16 00:00:44,678 --> 00:00:46,314 Chea-- Harder. 17 00:00:46,414 --> 00:00:48,282 You're gonna have to speak in English for me. 18 00:00:48,382 --> 00:00:50,651 I am getting my paycheck today and I can spot you, bitch! 19 00:00:50,751 --> 00:00:51,919 I wish that I could, 20 00:00:52,019 --> 00:00:54,722 but I am so close to finishing season one of "Damages," 21 00:00:54,822 --> 00:00:57,691 and I made, this, like, amazing cashew stir-fry 22 00:00:57,791 --> 00:00:59,893 for the week, so I'm actually pretty booked. 23 00:01:00,128 --> 00:01:01,929 Stir-fry? 24 00:01:02,029 --> 00:01:04,165 Can I talk to the Abbi who stole a van? 25 00:01:04,298 --> 00:01:06,834 Ab, you're so stuck in your little routine. 26 00:01:06,934 --> 00:01:08,402 I bet you schedule when you jack off. 27 00:01:08,536 --> 00:01:12,273 Schedule when I ja-- (exhales deeply) 28 00:01:12,440 --> 00:01:14,175 Oh, my God. 29 00:01:14,275 --> 00:01:15,376 Is that Lincoln? 30 00:01:15,476 --> 00:01:16,444 Yep. 31 00:01:16,577 --> 00:01:17,678 Is he inside of you? 32 00:01:17,778 --> 00:01:18,746 Yep. 33 00:01:18,879 --> 00:01:19,947 I'm just keeping him warm. 34 00:01:20,047 --> 00:01:21,615 All right-- Let's just set some ground rules here 35 00:01:21,749 --> 00:01:23,184 for everybody involved. 36 00:01:23,284 --> 00:01:25,253 I don't want to see you have sex. 37 00:01:25,353 --> 00:01:26,820 Let's try and avoid that. 38 00:01:26,954 --> 00:01:29,056 Lincoln, you seem well. 39 00:01:29,157 --> 00:01:31,024 Thank you-- I've been doing this no-bread diet 40 00:01:31,159 --> 00:01:32,660 and it's pretty good. 41 00:01:32,760 --> 00:01:33,727 It's been working. 42 00:01:33,861 --> 00:01:35,363 All right-- I'm gonna head out, then. 43 00:01:35,463 --> 00:01:36,830 Peace, bye. 44 00:01:36,930 --> 00:01:37,831 That was hot-- That was cool. 45 00:01:37,931 --> 00:01:39,767 That was like a threesome, in a way. 46 00:01:39,867 --> 00:01:41,702 Uh, Ilana, what are we doing? 47 00:01:41,802 --> 00:01:43,371 Are we just having sex, hooking up? 48 00:01:43,537 --> 00:01:44,605 Are we dating? 49 00:01:44,772 --> 00:01:45,739 What is this? 50 00:01:45,839 --> 00:01:48,976 This is purely physical. 51 00:01:49,076 --> 00:01:50,978 Why does this always happen to me? 52 00:01:51,179 --> 00:01:53,514 * Four and three and two and one-one * 53 00:02:01,422 --> 00:02:03,457 (Abbi) Climb-- Push it! 54 00:02:03,557 --> 00:02:04,625 Come on! 55 00:02:04,758 --> 00:02:05,759 Let's make some magic here. 56 00:02:05,893 --> 00:02:06,994 Let's climb it. 57 00:02:07,195 --> 00:02:09,029 Turn up that resistance-- Come on. 58 00:02:09,197 --> 00:02:10,298 Let's do this. 59 00:02:10,431 --> 00:02:13,033 Yes, climb. 60 00:02:13,201 --> 00:02:14,602 Yo, Abbi. Hey. 61 00:02:14,702 --> 00:02:16,470 Got something for you. Okay. 62 00:02:16,570 --> 00:02:17,938 Big ol' clogged toilet in the girls' room. 63 00:02:18,071 --> 00:02:19,473 It's pretty bad. 64 00:02:19,573 --> 00:02:20,774 You'll know it when you see it. 65 00:02:20,908 --> 00:02:21,809 Thanks for the heads-up, Tre. 66 00:02:21,942 --> 00:02:23,043 No problem-- Just do me a favor. 67 00:02:23,211 --> 00:02:24,412 Try not to make eye contact with any members 68 00:02:24,512 --> 00:02:25,679 when you're holding the plunger. 69 00:02:25,779 --> 00:02:26,880 Really bums 'em out. 70 00:02:26,980 --> 00:02:28,949 Well, I mean, what if someone just, like, walks-- 71 00:02:36,524 --> 00:02:37,825 (man) Underwater massage? 72 00:02:37,958 --> 00:02:40,261 Yes-- Yes, that sounds intense. 73 00:02:40,361 --> 00:02:41,462 Great job, killing it. 74 00:02:41,562 --> 00:02:43,697 Who's got more deals? 75 00:02:43,797 --> 00:02:45,233 Who else has a deal for me? 76 00:02:45,366 --> 00:02:47,000 Ooh, Nicole, what's your deal. 77 00:02:47,235 --> 00:02:49,870 I'm kind of obsessed with these D-I-Y vajazzling seminars 78 00:02:49,970 --> 00:02:52,340 and I feel like they'd be a really great fit for us. 79 00:02:52,440 --> 00:02:54,342 That is what I'm talking about. 80 00:02:54,475 --> 00:02:55,709 Do you guys smell that? 81 00:02:55,809 --> 00:02:56,777 Come on, sniff the air. 82 00:02:56,910 --> 00:02:57,911 Oh, what's that odor? 83 00:02:58,045 --> 00:02:59,380 I think it's the scent of a deal. 84 00:02:59,480 --> 00:03:00,448 Who's got more deals for me? 85 00:03:00,548 --> 00:03:02,015 Ooh, in the back, Ilana. 86 00:03:02,115 --> 00:03:04,452 Dope sweatshirt-- What is your deal? 87 00:03:04,552 --> 00:03:07,621 I've been kind of obsessed with getting paid 88 00:03:07,721 --> 00:03:09,390 and I was wondering if that's happening today 89 00:03:09,523 --> 00:03:12,125 so we could all be paid. 90 00:03:12,260 --> 00:03:15,263 Checks, unfortunately, delayed 'til Friday. 91 00:03:15,329 --> 00:03:16,597 Bummer. 92 00:03:16,697 --> 00:03:18,131 F-M-L, right? 93 00:03:18,266 --> 00:03:20,167 Speaking of F-M-L, went on a third date 94 00:03:20,268 --> 00:03:21,669 with that girl from Match.com, 95 00:03:21,769 --> 00:03:22,970 to keep you guys updated, 96 00:03:23,103 --> 00:03:24,972 third time, went for the kiss, third time rejected, 97 00:03:25,072 --> 00:03:26,640 but I'll try-- I'll get it. 98 00:03:28,909 --> 00:03:30,411 Let's get back to our desks. 99 00:03:30,511 --> 00:03:33,281 Deals don't make themselves. 100 00:03:33,314 --> 00:03:35,949 (Ilana) Bonjour, petit Wayne. 101 00:03:37,651 --> 00:03:39,186 I am a genius. 102 00:03:39,320 --> 00:03:40,888 (man) Not so much-- Right, buddy? 103 00:03:41,021 --> 00:03:42,623 That's the look of a dealer right there. 104 00:03:42,756 --> 00:03:44,157 If I was in Las Vegas, I'd assume you could 105 00:03:44,325 --> 00:03:45,359 move the table limit. 106 00:03:45,493 --> 00:03:47,094 That's how much of a dealer you are. 107 00:03:50,731 --> 00:03:51,899 Ilana. Ooh. 108 00:03:51,999 --> 00:03:54,568 Come on, this is not work. 109 00:03:54,702 --> 00:03:56,370 Oh... Okay, I'll take lunch. 110 00:03:56,504 --> 00:03:57,671 Please... 111 00:03:57,771 --> 00:03:58,972 Come back today. 112 00:04:04,878 --> 00:04:05,813 Oh! 113 00:04:05,946 --> 00:04:06,914 Ilana. 114 00:04:07,047 --> 00:04:10,318 Don't Black Swan me like that, dude. 115 00:04:10,384 --> 00:04:12,019 Okay, what are you even doing here? 116 00:04:12,119 --> 00:04:13,687 Nothing-- Just strolling through the neighborhood 117 00:04:13,787 --> 00:04:14,722 and wanted to see my number one. 118 00:04:14,822 --> 00:04:16,089 Oh, really? 119 00:04:16,223 --> 00:04:18,659 Okay, listen-- I really think that you deserve-- Hey. 120 00:04:18,759 --> 00:04:20,628 Sorry, I forgot about the line. 121 00:04:20,728 --> 00:04:22,463 I'll see you in the second-class citizen area. 122 00:04:22,563 --> 00:04:24,632 It's called the non-member pen and you know that. 123 00:04:24,765 --> 00:04:26,334 Ew-- Listen to yourself. 124 00:04:26,400 --> 00:04:29,470 I think you deserve like an Abbi Bueller's day off. 125 00:04:29,570 --> 00:04:31,204 I can't just leave work in the middle of the day. 126 00:04:31,339 --> 00:04:33,206 Yes, you can-- You just lie and leave. 127 00:04:33,341 --> 00:04:35,208 All they let you do is fold towels, anyway. 128 00:04:35,343 --> 00:04:36,410 No, they don't. 129 00:04:36,510 --> 00:04:38,178 They let me do a lot more than that. 130 00:04:38,346 --> 00:04:41,248 I wash the towels and then I dry the towels. 131 00:04:41,382 --> 00:04:43,651 Great... to see you. 132 00:04:43,751 --> 00:04:45,753 Good friend? Uh-huh, yeah, she's great. 133 00:04:45,886 --> 00:04:48,021 Also, any day now, a trainer's gonna be absent 134 00:04:48,155 --> 00:04:52,726 and guess who they're gonna invite to instruct a class. 135 00:04:52,860 --> 00:04:54,828 I would love for that to happen, but it's just not. 136 00:04:54,928 --> 00:04:55,929 They don't respect you. 137 00:04:56,029 --> 00:04:57,030 Oh, thank God, Abbi, there you are. 138 00:04:57,130 --> 00:04:58,231 Tre. 139 00:04:58,366 --> 00:04:59,767 Thank God. We really need you, buddy. 140 00:04:59,867 --> 00:05:01,435 Yes, I'm prepared. 141 00:05:01,569 --> 00:05:03,604 So... 142 00:05:03,771 --> 00:05:05,739 We got another pube situation in the women's locker room. 143 00:05:05,873 --> 00:05:07,375 Yeah-- Somebody really went to town 144 00:05:07,475 --> 00:05:08,476 in the second shower stall. 145 00:05:08,609 --> 00:05:09,677 And if you need the snake, 146 00:05:09,777 --> 00:05:10,944 it's probably wherever you last left it. 147 00:05:11,078 --> 00:05:12,179 I know where it is, so. 148 00:05:12,279 --> 00:05:13,547 You know, you should just label it "Abbi's snake," 149 00:05:13,681 --> 00:05:15,483 you're so good with it. I don't know if I wanna... 150 00:05:15,583 --> 00:05:17,485 Seriously. 151 00:05:18,719 --> 00:05:19,987 Okay, Abbi, come on. 152 00:05:20,120 --> 00:05:21,389 Can I get a little more positivity from you, please? 153 00:05:21,422 --> 00:05:22,390 I'll clean it. 154 00:05:22,456 --> 00:05:23,424 You can be positive, right? 155 00:05:23,524 --> 00:05:25,225 I know you can be positive. 156 00:05:27,828 --> 00:05:28,829 Yeah, you know what? 157 00:05:28,929 --> 00:05:30,030 You know, I can be positive, 158 00:05:30,163 --> 00:05:31,899 because I actually might be positive. 159 00:05:32,032 --> 00:05:33,601 I'm dealing with some pretty scary test results 160 00:05:33,701 --> 00:05:35,202 that are at a clinic right now 161 00:05:35,403 --> 00:05:37,070 and I have to get 'em, but I'm at work. 162 00:05:37,204 --> 00:05:40,073 I mean, I might be positive in a blood situation, so... 163 00:05:40,173 --> 00:05:41,274 Is it herpes? 164 00:05:41,409 --> 00:05:42,676 No, it's not. 165 00:05:42,776 --> 00:05:46,246 Genital warts. No. 166 00:05:46,414 --> 00:05:47,280 Oh, my God. 167 00:05:47,415 --> 00:05:48,616 Abbi. 168 00:05:48,749 --> 00:05:49,917 Is it the big one? 169 00:05:50,050 --> 00:05:51,485 It could be the big one. 170 00:05:51,585 --> 00:05:52,653 Abbi, you gotta get those results? 171 00:05:52,753 --> 00:05:53,821 I gotta get the pubes. 172 00:05:53,954 --> 00:05:55,423 Don't worry about the pubes, Abbi. 173 00:05:55,489 --> 00:05:56,990 Get your results. 174 00:05:57,124 --> 00:05:59,427 Blaise, there you are-- Would you get to class? 175 00:06:00,928 --> 00:06:02,095 Abbi. 176 00:06:02,195 --> 00:06:03,263 Let me know if you have AIDS. 177 00:06:03,431 --> 00:06:05,499 You'll be the first one that I tell. 178 00:06:05,633 --> 00:06:07,200 When I find out. 179 00:06:16,710 --> 00:06:19,547 Okay, so tickets are 50 each. 180 00:06:19,647 --> 00:06:21,549 Obviously, we need an eighth. Ok. 181 00:06:21,682 --> 00:06:24,351 Plus drinks, that's like 200 bucks total. 182 00:06:24,518 --> 00:06:26,720 And since Todd wouldn't give me my paycheck. 183 00:06:26,820 --> 00:06:29,022 Girl! 184 00:06:29,122 --> 00:06:31,659 You took all of his office supplies. 185 00:06:31,759 --> 00:06:33,961 Listen, what I do at my place of work 186 00:06:34,094 --> 00:06:35,929 is none of your godamn business, okay? 187 00:06:36,096 --> 00:06:39,066 Okay, I think you really need to be fired really soon. I know. 188 00:06:41,234 --> 00:06:42,970 ("What a Wonderful World" playing) 189 00:06:43,070 --> 00:06:44,271 Oh, I love this song. 190 00:06:44,371 --> 00:06:46,574 Ugh-- This is a slave song. 191 00:06:46,674 --> 00:06:48,141 It's not a slave song. 192 00:06:48,241 --> 00:06:49,477 Yes, it is. 193 00:06:49,510 --> 00:06:50,711 It's widely known by the black community 194 00:06:50,844 --> 00:06:53,046 that "What a Wonderful World" is, like, a slave song. 195 00:06:53,180 --> 00:06:54,582 Right, right, right, I totally forgot that you're, 196 00:06:54,715 --> 00:06:56,650 like, the voice of the whole black community. 197 00:06:56,784 --> 00:06:58,318 It's a thing-- Google it. 198 00:06:58,486 --> 00:06:59,653 It's in a Fugees song. 199 00:06:59,753 --> 00:07:02,189 Wyclef's like, "And I think to myself." 200 00:07:02,322 --> 00:07:03,524 He's like angry about it. 201 00:07:03,624 --> 00:07:05,693 I feel like all we ever talk about is black people 202 00:07:05,793 --> 00:07:08,295 and slaver...y... 203 00:07:08,395 --> 00:07:09,296 Hi. 204 00:07:09,396 --> 00:07:11,231 I would like to return these items. 205 00:07:11,398 --> 00:07:12,766 I once owned them personally, 206 00:07:12,866 --> 00:07:15,002 but I have no use for them now, so. 207 00:07:16,504 --> 00:07:19,740 Your total comes to $135.67. 208 00:07:19,840 --> 00:07:21,074 Yes! Shit-- Yes! 209 00:07:22,576 --> 00:07:24,177 Oh. 210 00:07:24,311 --> 00:07:28,215 You know, we'd love to get that in liquid cash. Yeah. 211 00:07:30,383 --> 00:07:32,886 Okay. 212 00:07:32,986 --> 00:07:34,321 Okay, what about my fishbowl of change? 213 00:07:34,421 --> 00:07:36,289 There's got to be, like, 30 or 40 bucks in there? 214 00:07:36,423 --> 00:07:37,725 Can you leave? 215 00:07:37,825 --> 00:07:39,927 Yeah, we're gonna-- We're ending the convo. 216 00:07:41,762 --> 00:07:44,264 * 217 00:07:46,834 --> 00:07:49,102 (man) Justin, Justin, there's a sniper there-- Oh! 218 00:07:49,202 --> 00:07:50,804 I just told you that! 219 00:07:50,904 --> 00:07:52,706 Oh, my God. 220 00:07:52,840 --> 00:07:54,141 Hey, guys. 221 00:07:54,241 --> 00:07:55,308 Hey. Yo. 222 00:07:55,408 --> 00:07:57,044 What gun are you using? 223 00:07:57,144 --> 00:07:59,980 Ah, you got the variable zoom on that. 224 00:08:00,080 --> 00:08:01,949 Oh, I'll have to check that out. 225 00:08:02,049 --> 00:08:04,351 Sorry, Ilana, all that cheese you wanted is gone. 226 00:08:04,451 --> 00:08:07,555 It looks like somebody ate it all. 227 00:08:07,655 --> 00:08:08,589 That sucks. 228 00:08:08,689 --> 00:08:09,823 Cheese is dope. 229 00:08:09,923 --> 00:08:12,793 Uh-oh, UAV inbound courtesy of yours truly. 230 00:08:12,926 --> 00:08:14,795 (with funny voice) You're welcome. 231 00:08:14,928 --> 00:08:16,263 Hey, Bevers. 232 00:08:16,363 --> 00:08:20,200 So I noticed that you ate all of my cheese again. 233 00:08:20,333 --> 00:08:21,334 Could you not do that? 234 00:08:21,434 --> 00:08:22,402 Or maybe get more? 235 00:08:22,570 --> 00:08:23,571 I'm sorry. 236 00:08:23,671 --> 00:08:25,272 I actually didn't realize it was your cheese. 237 00:08:25,372 --> 00:08:27,407 I labeled it pretty clearly. 238 00:08:27,575 --> 00:08:28,976 Mm-hmm, I see. 239 00:08:29,076 --> 00:08:31,845 Maybe in the future if you do that, put it on, like-- 240 00:08:31,979 --> 00:08:35,248 Like, all six sides of the cheese brick. 241 00:08:35,348 --> 00:08:36,717 Yeah. 242 00:08:36,817 --> 00:08:38,351 Well, maybe you can just restock it, then? 243 00:08:38,451 --> 00:08:40,053 I can put on some sweats and run out if you want me to. 244 00:08:40,153 --> 00:08:41,154 Yeah, okay. Or, you know... 245 00:08:41,321 --> 00:08:42,289 (laughing) 246 00:08:42,389 --> 00:08:43,323 I'm not talking to you! 247 00:08:43,423 --> 00:08:44,592 I'm talking to my roommate! 248 00:08:44,692 --> 00:08:45,759 You're not my roommate. 249 00:08:45,859 --> 00:08:47,695 You're my roommate's boyfriend. What? 250 00:08:47,828 --> 00:08:49,963 Oh, also, the toilet's clogged. 251 00:08:50,063 --> 00:08:51,599 My bad. 252 00:08:51,699 --> 00:08:53,466 You know, I think I'm lactose intolerant. 253 00:08:53,601 --> 00:08:55,468 Good thing you ate all that cheese. 254 00:08:55,603 --> 00:08:57,605 You know that there's a plunger in the bathroom. 255 00:08:57,705 --> 00:08:58,839 It's right next to the toilet. 256 00:08:58,939 --> 00:09:00,107 It's like, right within... 257 00:09:00,240 --> 00:09:01,875 I do know that, but I also know that you told me 258 00:09:02,009 --> 00:09:03,844 not to touch your stuff in the bathroom. 259 00:09:03,944 --> 00:09:04,878 Right. 260 00:09:05,012 --> 00:09:05,913 That's my mistake. 261 00:09:06,046 --> 00:09:07,414 Yeah. You disgust me. 262 00:09:07,615 --> 00:09:08,949 What? 263 00:09:09,049 --> 00:09:11,619 Oh-- Sergeant first class! 264 00:09:11,719 --> 00:09:13,687 I just ranked up, Abbi! 265 00:09:13,821 --> 00:09:16,389 Yes, I placed the Jewess ad. 266 00:09:16,489 --> 00:09:18,626 Both of us are over 18, yeah. 267 00:09:18,692 --> 00:09:20,628 Under 18, I said. 268 00:09:20,694 --> 00:09:22,295 We're both under 18, we're young teens-- 269 00:09:22,395 --> 00:09:25,065 Hello? 270 00:09:25,165 --> 00:09:26,499 Goddammit. 271 00:09:29,302 --> 00:09:31,171 Okay. 272 00:09:32,673 --> 00:09:38,679 * At the bottom of the ocean * 273 00:09:38,779 --> 00:09:40,147 Hey, somebody left a dank turd-- 274 00:09:40,280 --> 00:09:43,116 Oh, my God. 275 00:09:43,250 --> 00:09:44,652 You still have your performance bib, right? 276 00:09:44,718 --> 00:09:45,919 Yeah, duh. 277 00:09:46,019 --> 00:09:48,488 This is gonna make a dent in the Weezy fund, dude. 278 00:09:48,656 --> 00:09:49,690 Huge dent. 279 00:09:49,823 --> 00:09:50,758 (man) Did you call me? 280 00:09:50,858 --> 00:09:52,559 No, Matt, I didn't call you! 281 00:09:52,660 --> 00:09:54,061 It's like, why would we call you? 282 00:09:54,194 --> 00:09:56,664 It's like he's constantly in my face. 283 00:09:56,797 --> 00:09:58,365 It kills me that he lives here and doesn't pay a cent. 284 00:09:58,498 --> 00:10:02,736 I feel dirtier when I leave the shower because his hair-- 285 00:10:02,836 --> 00:10:05,105 his hair is, like, all over my body. 286 00:10:05,205 --> 00:10:07,307 It's like I have to see your dick in your shorts. God! 287 00:10:10,744 --> 00:10:12,646 You know, one side is always gonna be hamstrung 288 00:10:12,780 --> 00:10:14,414 by the other side's Congress, you know? 289 00:10:14,547 --> 00:10:16,216 It just doesn't matter-- We're done. 290 00:10:16,316 --> 00:10:17,785 We're done as a country. 291 00:10:17,885 --> 00:10:19,519 Matt, did you just call me? 292 00:10:25,092 --> 00:10:26,359 (clattering) 293 00:10:32,833 --> 00:10:35,168 (in slow motion) Jeremy. 294 00:10:35,302 --> 00:10:37,938 * 295 00:10:39,339 --> 00:10:41,074 * The sun 296 00:10:41,174 --> 00:10:43,443 * The sun blows over the sea * 297 00:10:43,576 --> 00:10:44,712 (normal time) Hey, Abbi. 298 00:10:44,812 --> 00:10:46,680 (still in slow motion) Hey... 299 00:10:46,814 --> 00:10:48,248 Making up a batch of my famous peppercorn 300 00:10:48,348 --> 00:10:49,616 and cardamom cider beer. 301 00:10:49,717 --> 00:10:51,919 I'm not gonna finish it all myself. 302 00:10:52,019 --> 00:10:56,189 You need someone else. 303 00:10:56,323 --> 00:10:59,459 We're making eye contact. 304 00:10:59,559 --> 00:11:01,995 You'll let me know, then? 305 00:11:02,129 --> 00:11:06,466 Your arms... 306 00:11:06,599 --> 00:11:08,268 (man in slow motion) Abbi... 307 00:11:08,368 --> 00:11:11,071 Abbi... 308 00:11:11,171 --> 00:11:12,539 Abbi! 309 00:11:12,740 --> 00:11:13,741 Thank God I caught you. 310 00:11:13,841 --> 00:11:15,008 And that you're in gym shorts. 311 00:11:15,108 --> 00:11:16,343 Mm-hmm. 312 00:11:16,476 --> 00:11:19,446 Anyway, just so you know, we need toilet paper. 313 00:11:19,546 --> 00:11:21,648 Oh, we need it-- We do? 314 00:11:21,749 --> 00:11:22,850 Well, if you don't mind, 315 00:11:22,950 --> 00:11:24,752 I mean, since you're going out anyway. 316 00:11:24,918 --> 00:11:26,019 Is there anything else that I can get you, 317 00:11:26,153 --> 00:11:27,054 maybe, when I'm out? 318 00:11:27,154 --> 00:11:28,521 Well, I wasn't gonna ask 319 00:11:28,621 --> 00:11:32,192 but I have been hankering for something sweet. 320 00:11:32,292 --> 00:11:33,961 Like a hot cookie? 321 00:11:34,061 --> 00:11:35,829 Soft but not moist. 322 00:11:35,929 --> 00:11:38,832 Or, surprise me! 323 00:11:38,932 --> 00:11:41,401 Kill you in your sleep, how's that for a surprise? 324 00:11:44,071 --> 00:11:46,774 Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. 325 00:11:46,807 --> 00:11:48,641 I got a special delivery for you, Ilana. 326 00:11:48,776 --> 00:11:49,810 Thank you so much, I-- 327 00:11:49,910 --> 00:11:50,844 I brought your beautiful thing, too. 328 00:11:50,944 --> 00:11:52,245 Oh. 329 00:11:52,379 --> 00:11:55,215 Jaime, you are the best roommate and best friend I've ever had. 330 00:11:55,348 --> 00:11:57,117 When you're ready to become a citizen, 331 00:11:57,217 --> 00:11:58,651 my legs are wide open. 332 00:11:58,786 --> 00:12:01,521 I don't think that's how it works, but thank you. 333 00:12:01,621 --> 00:12:03,791 Jaime, Himmels, Hymes-- How are you? 334 00:12:03,857 --> 00:12:07,094 Good. Are you stoned right now? 335 00:12:07,260 --> 00:12:09,029 Yeah. Good, so regarding the pot... 336 00:12:09,162 --> 00:12:11,698 Mmm-hmm. we can get you that 60 bucks ASAP. 337 00:12:11,832 --> 00:12:14,134 Okay. Or... 338 00:12:14,234 --> 00:12:18,405 this office warehouse giftcard has $135 on it. 339 00:12:18,571 --> 00:12:21,308 Whoa. I know, it's like, what do they even have there? 340 00:12:21,408 --> 00:12:23,210 Only any office supply known to man. 341 00:12:23,310 --> 00:12:24,945 I mean, I think they even have food now. 342 00:12:25,045 --> 00:12:26,246 Oh, yeah-- No, I'll take it. 343 00:12:26,379 --> 00:12:27,380 There's like, lamps. 344 00:12:27,514 --> 00:12:28,615 Please-- Tons of stuff. 345 00:12:28,816 --> 00:12:29,817 Give it to me. 346 00:12:29,950 --> 00:12:30,984 Yeah-- That's good... 347 00:12:31,118 --> 00:12:33,320 Trade? I'll take it. 348 00:12:33,420 --> 00:12:35,188 Ye Yes. 349 00:12:35,288 --> 00:12:36,824 (warming up voice) Bah, bah, black sheep. 350 00:12:36,890 --> 00:12:38,826 Dude, the card worked. Yes. 351 00:12:38,859 --> 00:12:40,828 Now we only need 140. 352 00:12:40,861 --> 00:12:42,295 Easy, we're done. We're doing it, dude, 353 00:12:42,429 --> 00:12:43,663 we're getting there. 354 00:12:43,831 --> 00:12:44,664 Is that Lincoln? 355 00:12:44,832 --> 00:12:46,834 (straw squeaks) 356 00:12:46,867 --> 00:12:49,402 Why is he doing this to me before curtain? 357 00:12:51,038 --> 00:12:53,440 (warming up voice) Bah, bah, black sheep. 358 00:12:53,573 --> 00:12:54,842 Lincoln, why are you here? 359 00:12:54,908 --> 00:12:55,843 No offense. 360 00:12:55,943 --> 00:12:57,344 I saw your tweet, so I wanted to stop by, 361 00:12:57,477 --> 00:12:58,946 but I wanted to respect your space. 362 00:12:59,046 --> 00:13:00,213 That's why I'm hanging back. 363 00:13:00,347 --> 00:13:01,314 That's cool. 364 00:13:01,448 --> 00:13:03,683 I respect you respecting me. 365 00:13:03,851 --> 00:13:04,852 Yeah? 366 00:13:04,918 --> 00:13:06,887 I'm gonna respect your dick later. 367 00:13:09,422 --> 00:13:11,191 (tapping) 368 00:13:11,324 --> 00:13:13,326 Yeah! 369 00:13:15,028 --> 00:13:16,096 Weekdays are tough. 370 00:13:16,196 --> 00:13:19,266 It's early for lunch. 371 00:13:19,366 --> 00:13:22,202 They just need time to find the audience, you know? 372 00:13:22,335 --> 00:13:23,470 The first season of "Seinfeld," 373 00:13:23,603 --> 00:13:25,272 not that many people saw that show, 374 00:13:25,405 --> 00:13:27,875 but it got time to grow. 375 00:13:27,908 --> 00:13:30,010 Yeah. 376 00:13:30,110 --> 00:13:32,212 Oh, we got a fan. 377 00:13:32,312 --> 00:13:34,114 We got a fan, hey, hey, hey. 378 00:13:35,715 --> 00:13:38,485 Me and Ilana, we really don't like to use labels. 379 00:13:38,585 --> 00:13:39,953 We try to be more progressive. 380 00:13:40,087 --> 00:13:41,889 We have a real connection. 381 00:13:45,058 --> 00:13:47,527 Oh, she's break dancing, that's cool. 382 00:13:49,596 --> 00:13:51,298 All right, let's pick it up. 383 00:13:52,966 --> 00:13:54,434 Who teaches the bucket drummers? 384 00:13:54,534 --> 00:13:59,139 I never seen a bucket drummer class listed anywhere. 385 00:13:59,239 --> 00:14:01,641 (clapping, cheering) 386 00:14:03,543 --> 00:14:05,178 She should be giving us, like, 25%. 387 00:14:06,613 --> 00:14:07,514 We can't do this anymore. 388 00:14:07,614 --> 00:14:08,515 This is insane. 389 00:14:08,615 --> 00:14:10,083 We're like-- Where'd the music go? 390 00:14:10,183 --> 00:14:11,518 (crowd) Boo! 391 00:14:11,618 --> 00:14:13,020 Are you kidding me? 392 00:14:13,153 --> 00:14:15,155 No-- She wouldn't even have anything to dance to 393 00:14:15,255 --> 00:14:16,423 if it wasn't for us! 394 00:14:16,523 --> 00:14:17,757 (man) You suck! 395 00:14:17,925 --> 00:14:19,692 What-- Shut up! 396 00:14:21,028 --> 00:14:22,262 All right. 397 00:14:22,362 --> 00:14:24,932 You come out and you try to do some good. 398 00:14:24,998 --> 00:14:26,699 Stop! 399 00:14:26,833 --> 00:14:27,935 Grow up! 400 00:14:29,236 --> 00:14:31,939 I just don't understand why she took the fishbowl. 401 00:14:31,972 --> 00:14:34,374 I would have given it to her. 402 00:14:34,474 --> 00:14:37,110 Homeless people need supplies, I don't know. I know. 403 00:14:37,210 --> 00:14:39,679 And we need 90 bucks in two hours 404 00:14:39,779 --> 00:14:41,848 and you need to get stoned, I need your... 90 bucks-- Okay. 405 00:14:41,982 --> 00:14:43,616 crazy brain, man. 406 00:14:43,716 --> 00:14:44,952 (phone vibrating) You know what, Ilana, I rag on you all the time, 407 00:14:45,052 --> 00:14:46,453 but you're right, like, I needed to 408 00:14:46,586 --> 00:14:47,955 get out of my element today. Hello? 409 00:14:48,088 --> 00:14:49,489 I needed it. 410 00:14:51,591 --> 00:14:53,160 It was nice of you to have my back-- 411 00:14:53,260 --> 00:14:54,527 Jesus. 412 00:14:54,627 --> 00:14:55,662 Thank you for this opportunity. 413 00:14:55,795 --> 00:14:57,697 We'll see you in 30 minutes or less. 414 00:14:57,830 --> 00:14:59,032 Bye-bye, sir. 415 00:14:59,132 --> 00:15:00,333 What? 416 00:15:00,500 --> 00:15:01,834 Okay, I had a backup plan on the low this whole time 417 00:15:01,969 --> 00:15:03,670 and it's coming up, it's happening. 418 00:15:03,770 --> 00:15:04,704 We are gonna make this money 419 00:15:04,804 --> 00:15:06,306 and I'll buy you a new piggy bank, 420 00:15:06,406 --> 00:15:08,775 a legit piggy bank. 421 00:15:08,875 --> 00:15:10,978 What is it? Come on. 422 00:15:11,044 --> 00:15:12,412 Ilana, this is really good pot. 423 00:15:12,545 --> 00:15:13,413 It's PCP. 424 00:15:13,513 --> 00:15:14,414 What? 425 00:15:14,514 --> 00:15:17,517 * 426 00:15:19,319 --> 00:15:20,653 (knocking) 427 00:15:28,295 --> 00:15:29,462 Okay. 428 00:15:29,596 --> 00:15:31,164 I'm gonna start taking my clothes off now. 429 00:15:31,264 --> 00:15:32,399 Wait, what? 430 00:15:32,499 --> 00:15:33,366 Yeah. 431 00:15:33,500 --> 00:15:34,701 This is all part of the deal. 432 00:15:34,801 --> 00:15:36,236 What the (bleep), Ilana... 433 00:15:36,336 --> 00:15:40,173 We're just two gals, cleaning in our underwear for an hour. 434 00:15:40,273 --> 00:15:42,175 What "gals"? 435 00:15:42,309 --> 00:15:43,910 We? Us gals. 436 00:15:44,011 --> 00:15:45,045 I'm not doing that, dude. 437 00:15:45,178 --> 00:15:46,313 Shh, shh, shhh... What? 438 00:15:46,413 --> 00:15:47,647 Why are you shushing me? 439 00:15:49,449 --> 00:15:51,918 * 440 00:15:52,019 --> 00:15:53,186 No. 441 00:15:53,286 --> 00:15:55,688 * Our treasure pleasure leisure, leisure * 442 00:15:55,788 --> 00:15:59,592 * It's all in your eyes * 443 00:15:59,692 --> 00:16:02,662 Ilana, I'm not gonna clean this man's apartment, 444 00:16:02,762 --> 00:16:04,797 touch his things, in my underwear. 445 00:16:04,931 --> 00:16:07,100 This is the last thing, we are so close. 446 00:16:07,200 --> 00:16:09,736 We are gonna be friends with Weezy. 447 00:16:09,836 --> 00:16:12,139 I'm gonna (bleep) him, dude. 448 00:16:12,239 --> 00:16:15,075 Who's Weezy? Lil Wayne! 449 00:16:15,175 --> 00:16:16,676 This is the whole thing! 450 00:16:16,776 --> 00:16:21,881 Listen, it is for one hour and he's giving us $200. 451 00:16:22,049 --> 00:16:23,583 No, I can't-- This is gross. 452 00:16:23,683 --> 00:16:25,218 What would you be doing instead? 453 00:16:25,318 --> 00:16:27,354 Watching "Breaking Bad" and eating a Smart Ones? 454 00:16:27,487 --> 00:16:29,156 Okay, it's a cashew stir-fry 455 00:16:29,256 --> 00:16:31,191 and I was, like, really looking forward to it. 456 00:16:31,291 --> 00:16:33,360 I don't want to hear it, okay. 457 00:16:33,460 --> 00:16:36,729 You're losing your edge and I wasn't gonna say anything, 458 00:16:36,829 --> 00:16:39,566 but you're not as fun as you used to be. 459 00:16:39,666 --> 00:16:42,502 Guess I'll clean this dude's apartment on my own. 460 00:16:45,172 --> 00:16:47,507 (Lil Wayne's "A Milli" playing) 461 00:16:50,377 --> 00:16:51,311 * Yeah 462 00:16:51,411 --> 00:16:53,813 * Mack I'm gonna 463 00:16:53,913 --> 00:16:55,148 * A millionaire 464 00:16:55,282 --> 00:16:57,150 * I'm a Young Money millionaire * 465 00:16:57,284 --> 00:16:59,552 * Tougher than Nigerian hair * 466 00:16:59,686 --> 00:17:02,789 * My criteria compared to your career just isn't fair * 467 00:17:02,889 --> 00:17:05,925 * I'm a venereal disease like a menstrual bleed * 468 00:17:06,093 --> 00:17:08,395 * Through the pencil I leak on the sheet * 469 00:17:08,495 --> 00:17:09,796 * Of the tablet in my mind 470 00:17:09,929 --> 00:17:12,232 * 'Cause I don't write shit 'cause I ain't got time * 471 00:17:12,332 --> 00:17:13,833 * 'Cause my seconds minutes hours * 472 00:17:13,933 --> 00:17:15,368 * Go to the almighty dollar 473 00:17:15,468 --> 00:17:16,603 * And the almighty-- * 474 00:17:16,703 --> 00:17:17,904 Okay, hour's up, man. 475 00:17:18,004 --> 00:17:19,106 (Ilana) Party's over, dude. 476 00:17:19,206 --> 00:17:20,140 Money, please. 477 00:17:20,240 --> 00:17:21,408 I'm sowwy. 478 00:17:21,574 --> 00:17:22,409 I don't have any. 479 00:17:22,542 --> 00:17:23,443 Are you joking right now? 480 00:17:23,543 --> 00:17:25,312 I'm a wittle baby. 481 00:17:25,412 --> 00:17:28,115 Uh... No, you're a full grown man. 482 00:17:28,215 --> 00:17:30,117 I'm a baby, I have no money! 483 00:17:30,150 --> 00:17:31,784 You owe us $200. 484 00:17:31,918 --> 00:17:33,153 We just cleaned for an hour. 485 00:17:33,253 --> 00:17:34,421 I don't do that at my house. 486 00:17:34,521 --> 00:17:35,488 Thank you for cleaning. 487 00:17:35,588 --> 00:17:36,756 No, no, no. What? 488 00:17:36,856 --> 00:17:38,125 No thank you. No, no. 489 00:17:38,225 --> 00:17:40,627 I just degraded my friend for you 490 00:17:40,727 --> 00:17:42,129 and I thought we were gonna be paid. 491 00:17:42,229 --> 00:17:43,563 I can pay you in blocks? 492 00:17:43,663 --> 00:17:45,332 You're not a baby, you're a man! 493 00:17:45,432 --> 00:17:47,234 No. 494 00:17:47,367 --> 00:17:48,468 I'm a baby. 495 00:17:48,601 --> 00:17:49,702 Oh, yeah... You're a baby? 496 00:17:49,836 --> 00:17:51,538 Does baby like this, huh? 497 00:17:51,638 --> 00:17:54,307 * 498 00:17:54,407 --> 00:17:58,145 Babies do not read books yet! 499 00:17:58,245 --> 00:18:00,280 Are you a baby if you wear a hat? 500 00:18:00,413 --> 00:18:02,249 Full coat with fur? 501 00:18:02,349 --> 00:18:04,184 Babies don't have little... babies! 502 00:18:04,284 --> 00:18:05,618 You want tissues to wipe your ass(bleep)? 503 00:18:05,752 --> 00:18:07,254 'Cause you're a baby? 504 00:18:07,354 --> 00:18:09,156 (groaning) 505 00:18:11,158 --> 00:18:13,393 Coat racks aren't for babies. 506 00:18:13,493 --> 00:18:14,661 Marbles. 507 00:18:16,196 --> 00:18:17,397 Uh-oh. 508 00:18:17,530 --> 00:18:19,866 (laughing) 509 00:18:19,999 --> 00:18:21,033 What? 510 00:18:21,168 --> 00:18:22,202 Look. 511 00:18:22,302 --> 00:18:24,171 I'm looking. Yeah, we saw, dude. 512 00:18:24,237 --> 00:18:25,905 I hope I never see this again. 513 00:18:26,005 --> 00:18:27,340 I don't even know. 514 00:18:27,440 --> 00:18:28,708 All right, all right, careful of the marbles. 515 00:18:28,875 --> 00:18:33,079 So I'm gonna grab this, 'cause babies don't like fur. 516 00:18:33,213 --> 00:18:34,181 Are you my fwends? 517 00:18:34,214 --> 00:18:35,715 No. 518 00:18:35,815 --> 00:18:37,784 (phone ringing and vibrating) 519 00:18:40,653 --> 00:18:42,021 This is David. 520 00:18:44,857 --> 00:18:47,827 Is the flight delayed? 521 00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:49,061 Was the flight delayed? 522 00:18:49,196 --> 00:18:52,332 * Yeah, yeah, yeah 523 00:18:52,432 --> 00:18:54,066 * Yeah, yeah, yeah * 524 00:18:54,201 --> 00:18:55,302 Lil Wayne's so short, though, 525 00:18:55,402 --> 00:18:57,036 that we weren't even gonna be able to see him 526 00:18:57,204 --> 00:18:58,938 from where we would have sat. 527 00:18:59,071 --> 00:19:00,440 I don't think I even would have recognized him. 528 00:19:00,540 --> 00:19:02,209 I don't know who this guy is. 529 00:19:02,309 --> 00:19:05,278 You know, I read that he's actually better pre-recorded. 530 00:19:05,412 --> 00:19:06,979 I just didn't want to say anything 'cause I wanted to go. 531 00:19:07,113 --> 00:19:08,315 These spaces are so small, 532 00:19:08,415 --> 00:19:11,050 like, we would be so close to so many strangers 533 00:19:11,218 --> 00:19:12,118 we don't know. 534 00:19:12,252 --> 00:19:14,587 Drinks are, like, so expensive and tiny, like-- 535 00:19:14,687 --> 00:19:16,289 Oh, my God, double... Crap. 536 00:19:16,456 --> 00:19:18,491 Do you know me, how I have to pee, like, constantly? 537 00:19:18,625 --> 00:19:20,227 We would be standing in line the whole concert. 538 00:19:20,293 --> 00:19:23,129 The whole time, we would be standing in a line. 539 00:19:23,230 --> 00:19:24,864 Ugh. 540 00:19:24,964 --> 00:19:27,534 Tomorrow's gonna be the day, like, I know it, 541 00:19:27,634 --> 00:19:31,070 that we're gonna look back and be like, that was the day! 542 00:19:31,238 --> 00:19:35,242 I know that tomorrow... tomorrow's totally the day. 543 00:19:35,308 --> 00:19:36,709 Like, I'm so confident in myself, 544 00:19:36,809 --> 00:19:38,345 I feel it in my heart. 545 00:19:38,445 --> 00:19:40,447 I'm confident myself in the day. 546 00:19:40,547 --> 00:19:42,382 Yes... Yeah! 547 00:19:42,515 --> 00:19:43,616 I believe in us. 548 00:19:43,716 --> 00:19:45,151 Hyah-- Yeah! 549 00:19:45,285 --> 00:19:48,988 Yes, dude! Dude, I would follow you into hell, brother. 550 00:19:49,121 --> 00:19:52,259 I would take you on my shoulders, like, 551 00:19:52,292 --> 00:19:58,431 I'd strap you up and I'd be like, let's go through hell. 552 00:19:58,565 --> 00:20:01,268 Should we go to... Mm-hmm. 553 00:20:01,301 --> 00:20:02,569 the subway. 554 00:20:02,669 --> 00:20:05,738 We'll give you some privacy. 555 00:20:05,872 --> 00:20:07,039 (knocking) 556 00:20:09,141 --> 00:20:10,943 Enjoy your office supplies, my friend. 557 00:20:11,077 --> 00:20:12,279 They even have food now. 558 00:20:12,379 --> 00:20:13,413 Crazy, right? 559 00:20:13,513 --> 00:20:15,248 Okay... Okay, cha-cha. 560 00:20:17,917 --> 00:20:19,252 Good. 561 00:20:19,352 --> 00:20:20,587 Ah. 562 00:20:23,155 --> 00:20:24,391 Please. 563 00:20:24,491 --> 00:20:25,592 Help me. 564 00:20:25,692 --> 00:20:27,427 Ay, mi amor, what happened to you? 565 00:20:29,629 --> 00:20:31,698 (computer alert beeping) 566 00:20:31,798 --> 00:20:32,699 Oh, yeah. 567 00:20:32,799 --> 00:20:33,933 What the hell-- What is this? 568 00:20:34,033 --> 00:20:35,768 Oh, it's happening. 569 00:20:35,868 --> 00:20:37,036 (coughing) 570 00:20:37,169 --> 00:20:38,771 Why are we doing this right now? 571 00:20:38,871 --> 00:20:40,072 Hymes, you can go. 572 00:20:40,172 --> 00:20:41,207 She got me. 573 00:20:41,341 --> 00:20:43,410 I don't got her-- I'm not there with you. 574 00:20:43,543 --> 00:20:45,845 Leave me one, leave me one. 575 00:20:46,012 --> 00:20:47,880 Okay. 576 00:20:49,949 --> 00:20:51,484 Ilana, we drank the same amount. 577 00:20:51,618 --> 00:20:53,320 I'm so sorry. 578 00:20:53,420 --> 00:20:54,521 I always do this. 579 00:20:54,654 --> 00:20:57,189 It's fine, everyone has nights like this. 580 00:20:57,290 --> 00:20:58,291 Just, if you feel like you're gonna throw up, 581 00:20:58,425 --> 00:20:59,559 just give me a heads up. 582 00:21:03,396 --> 00:21:04,531 You wanna come over and hang out? 583 00:21:04,631 --> 00:21:06,399 We just got pizza. 584 00:21:06,499 --> 00:21:07,600 What kind?