(YELPING)
(DINESH GROANS)
You only make that face when your dick is on fire.
- So, you're certain? - Definitively.
The 36 Hooli phones that blew up at Hoolicon
and the 17 that blew up around the US, all had our code on them.
Richard, these are real people
with real crotches, and they're burning.
We have to tell someone. This was our fault.
No. No, no.
Keenan's demo was built to run on a $10,000 rig.
Jack ported it to a phone in four days.
They wrote sloppy code that's pinging the antenna constantly,
looking for the goggles.
That had to have caused the phone's antenna to draw too much power.
Which would overheat the subpar battery.
And when we pinged our network on top of all that...
Dick fire.
Richard, what happened to being Honest Abe from now on?
We committed a crime here.
Barely, Jared.
The fact that we hacked those phones works in our favor.
All of our code is hidden.
Agreed. And when Hooli launches a new software update to fix the phones,
our network will still be functional,
Melcher will be happy, Monica will fund us, and no one will ever know what we did.
-L'll know. - Yes, I'll know, too. But I'm okay with it.
I'm sorry.
What the fuck is this?
I write three letters every time I start a job.
A personal action plan, a letter to my 40-year-old self,
and that, a resignation letter.
I'll be moving my things back into my condo.
- What about your squatter? - He's been out for months.
He left to go sell cocaine at the Keystone pipeline protests.
I've just been staying in the garage out of solidarity.
You can't leave.
- Don't beg, Richard. -l'm not.
According to the employee handbook, which you wrote,
an employee cannot leave without giving two weeks' notice.
- You read the handbook? - Yeah, I did.
All right, fine. I'll fulfill my duties under protest.
But I will not do anything illegal nor unethical, and lwill not lie.
I already have upwards of 50 burnt perinea on my conscience, Richard.
That's enough. Consider that my two weeks' notice.
All right, keep an eye on Hooli news,
and let me know when Jack announces the HooliPhone update.
What do you mean you're not issuing a software update?
Who can say why the phone Gavin Belson brought to market
started exploding when we put Keenan Feldspar's technology on it? Huh?
Is it Gavin's fault? ls it Keenan's fault? ls it 50-50? Who knows?
We need to change the narrative here.
Has anyone flown commercial recently?
Nor have I, but apparently, they're still making the announcements at the gate
about Samsung Galaxy Note? being banned.
We can't have people believing that our phones blow up airplanes,
no matter how much Gavin and/or Keenan may have wanted it.
It's lethal PR.
We need to get ahead of this one,
which is why I am going to pull every last affected Hooliphone out of circulation,
and replace it in the next three days.
That's over nine million devices.
Gavin Belson had to move heaven and earth
to get our China plants up to a capacity of two million per day,
and his negotiations with labor were extremely delicate.
Well, China has never negotiated with Jack Barker.
What you're proposing is staggeringly expensive and borderline impossible.
We won't approve it.
Isee.Uh“.
Slight hitch.
I may have instructed my comms team to issue a press release
announcing the recall, and it should be going out at...
Yeah, it's out.
- Jack. - I tell you what.
Let's just gas up that Hooli jet,
and I am going to go ahead and go to China.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
So, every fucking Hooliphone that we're on is being pulled out of service
and replaced with a new one that doesn't have our code on it.
Half our storage capacity just gone.
Where the fuck are we gonna put all of Melcher's data?
Wait. We have a server farm in the garage, right?
Now, don't you think ifAnton could have saved our ass,
I would have suggested it by now?
- Why can't it work? - What are you, fucking stupid?
In order to hold that much data, we would have to go RAID 0, no backup.
So, if we lose even one platter, we lose Melcher's data permanently.
Plus, in Anton's present condition, I'm afraid he might totally melt down.
- We have to call Melcher. - No, we are not calling Melcher.
If we tell him about any of this, that would be suicide.
Look, if we're gonna die, let's just die.
Why do we have to take Anton with us?
Jesus, man. You know that thing's not alive, right?
Fuck your dumb machine.
Wait, do you? Do you actually fuck your dumb machine?
- Is that the secret on your phone? - Fuck you.
- Fuck you! Do you raw-dog it? - Guys.
Or do you put a condom on your tiny penis and fuck it in safe mode?
RICHARD: Just fuck each other and get it over with.
-"Oh, Anton, fuck me!" - I will fuck both of you.
- You just have to fucking... - Gentlemen?
- Fuck you. - This is Gladys.
She's interviewing to be my replacement.
- Hello. - I like your sweater.
Maybe let's talk outside.
- Great. -lt's just right through here.
Gilfoyle, Anton is going to be fine, okay?
Just spin him up, please?
All right, buddy. Let's see what you're made of.
(WHIRRING)
Outstanding.
I'm sorry that you had to witness that scene in there.
It probably gave you the impression that the company is in disarray,
but I can assure you there's a very simple explanation for that.
It is.
Sorry?
Yeah, even setting aside our CEO's sexual distortion,
adultery and lowbrow scatological vandalism,
we're still essentially a criminal operation
whose only real product is dangerous malware.
I see you're fluent in Japanese.
Are you going to be comfortable with casual racism?
I'm sorry, what happened here?
Arson.
Psst.
- Gavin. - What?
That wasn't really breakfast, was it?
- Yeah. - Seriously?
Shh!
What are you doing?
Well, I'm watching an episode of House.
Put that fucking thing away.
Are you afraid it's gonna blow up?
'Cause it won't. It's not a Hooliphone.
Why would a Hooliphone blow up?
Hey, we're done with the migrating.
How's it going in here?
Don't touch the fucking lights. One surge, and we're dead.
What the fuck?
What?
Oh, the eyes. They're contacts.
Okay, how are we looking?
Jesus Christ!
I broke my glasses.
I don't have an extra pair, so I had to pull these out of a drawer.
I had 'em made for All Hallows' Eve. I was a cat.
How are we looking? Did it all fit?
Yes, but Anton is overheating already. We're about to fry three of our platters.
I said this was a bad idea.
Fuck. What are we gonna do?
Excuse me, just FYI, Gladys turned us down.
Oh, hey, Richard. Long time, no talk.
Yeah, we've all been busy, so...
- Yeah. - Yeah.
Hey, listen, Big Head, do you think I could get your Stanford login,
so I can access the faculty server array?
Oh, jeez. Uh... I don't think I can do that, man.
Sure you can, man. Just click on "Forgot Password."
No. lt'sjust that I'm kind of on super-thin ice with the head of the CS Department right now.
After Erlich's whole SeeFood thing,
Stanford started looking into my academic background,
and realized I don't really have one.
And now, I'm on probation, and they've got this real teacher sitting in, watching me.
That is a bummer, but, hey, Big Head,
they do genome sequence analysis on the Sherlock cluster.
They're not gonna notice a few more measly petabytes, all right?
We'll just get on and get off before anyone even notices we're there.
Yeah? Come on, man.
I need this, all right? I wouldn't ask you otherwise.
All right. My username is
"password" and my password is "password."
Your username is "password"?
It was just easier.
Okay, Big Head came through. I've already reserved the resources.
We can start the transfer whenever we're ready.
Slight problem. I can't get online.
What the fuck? I can't get on, either.
Uh, Gilfoyle, did you fry the fucking router again?
No.
- Jared? Did you pay the broadband bill? - No.
- I mean, we don't have the funds. - What?
I tried to bring it to your attention, but you said, "Fuck off, Mom."
Wait. You're telling me that Anton is completely cut off from the outside world?
Which means Melcher's data is offline.
We're in breach. Shit.
Okay, you guys keep Anton alive.
I will figure something out.
A product recall on that scale? What the fuck is Barker thinking?
Yeah, I was only at 8%, so if you could close some applications...
Cell phone?
Lama, I need to know what Hooli's stock is doing.
Enlightenment or ignorance.
You must choose.
Erlich, get the bags.
-(CELLPHONE BUZZING) - And then, for the... Hold on, one moment.
Richard Hendricks.
- What's up? - Hi, I was just calling to let you know
that we're gonna have to take the network down just for a little bit
for some routine maintenance.
So, your data might be inaccessible.
- What? - Yeah.
- Just for an hour or two. Nothing major. - Richard,
you're supposed to give me 72 hours' notice for any disruption of service.
No, Iknow. Iknow. Iknow.
But this is just to improve your user experience, you know, because we care.
DINESH: Falling, falling... GILFOYLE: What the fuck are you doing?
- DINESH: Sorry, sorry. - Is everything okay over there?
(DINESH AND GILFOYLE GRUNTING)
Yeah. Okay? Yeah, yeah.
Dan. Danny, Dan-Dan.
It's totally normal. Totally normal.
Look, as long as you have it back online
-before we open in the morning. - Yes, of course.
- Hey, you want to talk to Liz? - No, no.
I'm gonna go get some cake from the back.
- Why? They bring it to us. - That's okay. I'm just gonna go to them.
(CHUCKLES)
All right.
She's going to them.
Never get married, Richard.
- Women, right? - I'II talk to you.
- Bye. - Yeah.
We'll go to them.
- Guys, we'll go to them. - Who?
Stanford. If we move Anton to Stanford, we can plug him directly into the cluster,
and we'll be back online before Fiduciated opens. It's perfect.
Yeah, except for the part about moving Anton to fucking Stanford.
How the fuck are we gonna do that?
We take him apart, move him, put him back together.
That's insane.
Okay, well, unless you happen to have
a three-mile long Ethernet cable hidden up your fucking asshole, that's the plan!
Is Big Head gonna be okay with us
just showing up with three tons of unauthorized equipment?
Yeah! ljust spoke to him on the phone.
He was like, "Uh, yeah."
Okay do it. I'll get the truck. I'll get a truck.
You know, I flew all the way here to Tibet, on my own dime.
You've killed my battery and I don't feel the slightest bit more spiritually-centered.
Can this thing go any faster?
- Richard. - Oh. Yup.
Okay, thank you, Jared.
Uh, so, what time did Big Head say he needed us there?
I don't know. He said whenever.
Typically, campus security requires a specific window for deliveries of this size.
- Okay. - Did you send him an inventory,
so that he could request and clear a static IP address for each sewer?
No. No, lwouldn't worry about it.
- Maybe I'll just give him a call. - No, it's fine. It'll be fine.
- Well, maybe, l'lljust text him... - Jared! Oh, my God!
Just stop with the second-guessing,
hand-wringing, pearl-clutching bullshit, okay, forjust like a fucking minute.
You know what? I waive your two weeks'.
- You can go. - What?
You wanted to go, go.
Bye, thanks.
I'll order a Lyft home then.
What the fuck was that? You fired him?
He already quit, remember? Besides, he was being a fucking asshole.
Jared was being an asshole?
Do you want to go with him?
Because if you haven't noticed,
if we don't get this shit to Stanford and all set up by 9:00 a.m., we are fucked!
JACK: Okay, listen up, everybody. Here's the deal.
I was just talking to your foreman, Jung-Sho.
(SPEAKING OTHER LANGUAGE)
And he seems to feel that you were all working at maximum capacity,
and that you cannot work any harder.
But I have just flown from America,
and I'm here to prove to you that he is wrong.
You can work harder. Much harder. How?
With a little system I like to call the "Conjoined Triangles of Success"!
Come on.
(SPEAKING OTHER LANGUAGE)
Breaking News. Hooli CEO, Jack Barker, has been taken hostage
by workers at a Hooli factory in China, which produces cellphones.
I want everyone to know I haven't been harmed.
The workers here have assured me
that I will only be held as their honored guest
until Hooli has met their very reasonable request
for fair wages and for humane conditions.
On a more personal note, honey, I...
(PEOPLE TALKING IN OTHER LANGUAGE)
I have to stop now.
All right.
Holy shit! I think we can actually make it. All right.
Okay.
(STARTER CLICKING)
- What the fuck? - Shit.
We must have left the work lights on all night.
- Well, do we have jumper cables? - Jared did.
- Triple A? - Sounds like a Jared thing.
Wait. Aren't Anton's racks full of backup batteries?
Okay, how much longer?
Give us a minute. We just need to connect a few more.
(ENGINE STARTING)
All right. Try it now?
Just fuck the batteries. We don't need them.
- Let's go! - Okay, hold on.
Oh, my God! Just throw them away!
Okay, dude. Go, go.
Jesus! Shit!
Oh, hey, Ashley. That was close.
Well, look, it won't be the last time you stop traffic, huh? Little hottie.
But not now. When you're older. I'm sorry. We have to go. Bye.
Back up, back up. Please. Thank you.
Big Head, hey, I need you to meet me at the loading dock behind Spilker in 10 minutes.
I'll explain there.
Now's not really a great time, Richard.
I'm sort of in the middle of something.
Wait, you said you already explained.
Yeah, I know. ldid.
Yeah, it's just Big Head.
Come on, buddy, I need you.
Okay. (CLEARS THROAT) Be right there.
Can I go to the bathroom?
Are you sure? We don't want to inconvenience you.
GAVIN: That's no trouble at all.
And there's no need to send a negotiator. I'm in Tibet. It's right next door.
Well, we'd be grateful to have this in such good hands.
We've missed you, Gavin. Perhaps, when you return...
Please, the only thing I'm concerned with right now is bringing our boy home safe.
Fuck you, Jack Barker!
(GRUNTING)
H9)'-
Opium? Are you fucking kidding me?
I was on the phone for like three minutes.
Big Head.
Come on. Get up. We need to get to the airstrip.
(SPEAKING MAN DARIN)
Excuse me?
My friend wants to stay here for a while.
How long can you let him stay with this money?
Five years.
Good.
Okay, come on. Let's go. Let's go. Start unloading it. Come on!
Hey, man. So, did you ever transfer all that data?
No, we just gotta unload our servers near the Sherlock array.
Servers? Richard, man, I told you, now is not a good time for this.
- I know, I know. - You dick.
You never told Big Head we were bringing Anton here, did you?
Who's Anton?
He's everything that's packed into the back of this giant fucking truck.
And you want to set it all up here?
Oh, dude, come on. I told you I'm, like, so close to getting fired.
Big Head, come on. It's just for a bit.
Richard, you specifically told us that Big Head said this was okay.
That's what you fucking told us!
- You lied to our faces again. - Come on, guys. We don't have time for this.
You were just gonna show up and fuckin' steamroll him?
That was your whole plan?
He's your oldest friend, and you're okayjust getting him fired?
He's Big Head!
He's gonna fall ass backward into something. You know he always does.
I'm not doing it.
- What? -l'm out, too.
Now?
(STAMMERING)
We got it, we're here. We did it.
You hypocrites.
You fucking hypocrites.
When I wouldn't use the fake users, you called me a pussy.
When I wouldn't lie on the stand, you called me a pussy.
But now, when I'm actually doing what you've been wanting me to do, you quit?
You're the pussies. You are the pussies.
I'm the only one that's trying to fucking save what we do here!
All this time we spent building this thing,
and now, now it falls apart because you two don't fucking do it?
- This is too much for you? Well, fuck you! - Hey, guys?
- This is fine. - What?
Yeah, my bad. I thought you were talking about, like, a lot more stuff.
Great.
GILFOYLEI Oh...
Fuck.
So, anyways, my office is unlocked
if you guys just wanna, like, toss that on my desk, or whatever.
I should probably get back, though, before that teacher guy gets me in trouble.
I'll see you guys.
RICHARD; HOW?
Who?
You had me open up the back to get the batteries,
and then you told me not to put them back.
So, no one...
You know who would have remembered to close the door?
Jared.
(CELL PHONE BUZZING)
It's Melcher.
Good luck with that.
(SIGHS)
(ENGINE STARTING)
(CELL PHONE BUZZING)
(KNOCKING)
Richard?
- Can I come in? - Uh, I have company.
(WOMAN LAUGHING)
ls there a girl in there?
(WOMEN LAUGHING)
How many girls are in there?
Richard, what do you want from me?
Nothing. It's just you were right about all of it.
I killed Anton, and I lost all of Melcher's data.
Everybody fucking hates me.
And I'm basically, one blood boy away from being Gavin Belson.
I did not run the company with integrity.
But I'm gonna end it with some.
I'm going to Melcher's office and I'm coming clean.
AnyWaY- --
I'm really fuckin' sorry, man.
Well... I'll leave you alone now.
Hey, this guy fucks.
JARED: Richard!
What's this?
It's a job application.
I'd like to submit myself for a position with Pied Piper.
I'd really like to be there till the bitter end.
"Lordy, lordy, look who's 40."
That's the wrong one.
I gotta say, Gavin,
when that storeroom door opened
and I saw your face grinning down at me, I thought it was an angel.
When we get home, I'm going to do everything in my power
to get you back in the good graces of the Hooli board.
I can use a fellow of your talent, sir.
That's very gracious of you, Jack. Thank you.
ATTENDANT: Welcome aboard, gentlemen.
Our flying time to Mountain View is 11 hours and 36 minutes,
and we will be stopping off at Jackson Hole first.
Oh.
Stopping off at Jackson Hole, are you, Gavin?
No, Jack, you are.
Jackson Hole is definitively out of the way. Everyone knows that,
but I don't mind dropping you off first this one last time.
- Hey. What are you guys doing here? - Jared called us.
If you're gonna eat a giant plate of steaming hot shit,
we figured it should probably be a team effort.
Okay. Thanks. I'll go check in.
Hi, could you tell Dan Melcher that Richard Hendricks
and the guys from Pied Piper are here to see him?
You guys are Pied Piper?
The guys who built our data storage network? It's awesome.
Yeah, it was awesome until it crashed this morning.
I was just using it two minutes ago. It's working fine.
- Really? - Yeah.
What's he talking about?
-It's up. All of Melcher's data is there. - But how is that possible?
Well, what are those devices? Those aren't phones.
(GILFOYLE CHUCKLING)
Why the fuck are you laughing? You look fucking insane right now.
Look at that OUI prefix in these MAC addresses.
Yeah, okay, so what are those?
Smart fridges. About 30,000 of them.
Come again?
Jian-Yang's smart fridge must have been self-correcting.
In order to fit my Suck it, Jian-Yang video onto his fridge,
I had to add Pied Piper libraries to the firmware.
Other smart fridges must have seen this as an update.
What?
The smart fridges talk to each other,
-and they share the newest software. - Right.
So, when we put that data onto Anton,
the last thing he did before he died was back himself up
onto a huge network of smart fridges.
Anton died, so we could live.
Like Jesus.
Oh, fuck.
Guys, do you realize whatjust happened?
- We're still alive. The network is stable. - GILFOYLE: Mmm-hmm.
The new Internet works, and this is the proof.
- We did it! - RICHARD: Yes, we did.
Wait a minute.
If Melcher never lost access to his data, what is he so upset about?
Richard! Richard! I'm so sorry!
We were tasting cakes, and then you called, and then itjust came out.
What came out?
- You son of a bitch! - Save yourself!
(BOTH SCREAMING)
- RICHARD: I'm sorry! -l'm guessing there's a story here.
- Stand down! No, no, no! - That's it! Help!
Gavin.
I like your hair.
- I like your eye. - Yeah, I got it from a woman.
She didn't hit me. No, the man did...
Because of sex that I gave to her.
So, welcome home.
And congratulations on getting your business back.
Thank you, and I should congratulate you on your remarkable tech breakthrough.
- I hear you're swimming in funding offers. - A few.
I think we're gonna go with Bream-Hall. They seem to get us.
You haven't seen all the offers yet.
Richard, we were partners once. I'd like to do it again.
This is an acquisition offer, and it will make you a very wealthy man.
Let's do this together.
That's very kind of you.
- But“ - Richard, at least look it over.
I can help you get exactly where you want to go.
I'm pretty sure I know where I want to go and how to get there.
If you reject me now, Richard, I will come after you.
Hldevouryou.
Think very carefully about what you're doing here.
Here's what I think, Gavin.
I think my decentralized Internet threatens Hooli's box business model.
I think, basically, you are just a server company now,
and we intend to make servers obsolete.
So, I think perhaps in the end,
I will be the one devouring you.
I gave you that patent.
Thanks.
(CHUCKLES)
Fair enough, Richard.
I shall look forward to the fight.
Right back at you Gaby, baby.
Gavin.
Oh, um...
Did Erlich ever show up in Tibet?
No.
Jesus, what the hell did he order?
(MARIACHI BAN D PLAYING)
No, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, stop. Stop it.
No.DonT
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)