1 00:00:04,837 --> 00:00:05,754 RUSS HANNEMAN: All right, let's do an exercise. 2 00:00:06,421 --> 00:00:08,379 You can build anything in the world you want with your compression. 3 00:00:08,379 --> 00:00:09,421 What's it gonna be? Three, two, one, go. 4 00:00:09,421 --> 00:00:10,670 A-- A new internet. 5 00:00:10,920 --> 00:00:12,129 What? Why? 6 00:00:13,212 --> 00:00:14,463 ♪ (HOUSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ 7 00:00:14,463 --> 00:00:16,629 I am your lead investor. You will respect me as such. 8 00:00:16,629 --> 00:00:20,254 I do not respect you because you are fat and poor. 9 00:00:20,712 --> 00:00:23,463 So, you're telling me that the perfect application 10 00:00:23,463 --> 00:00:26,379 of my algorithm belongs to Gavin fucking Belson? 11 00:00:26,379 --> 00:00:28,254 -(WOOD CRACKING) -(DOORKNOB CLATTERING) 12 00:00:31,087 --> 00:00:33,795 RICHARD HENDRICKS: We need his patent and his funding. 13 00:00:33,795 --> 00:00:37,463 Eventually, this will render every server obsolete. 14 00:00:37,463 --> 00:00:38,670 GAVIN BELSON: Holy shit. 15 00:00:39,421 --> 00:00:41,087 HENDRICKS: Welcome to the future, Gavin. 16 00:00:41,087 --> 00:00:41,795 (FIRE ROARING) 17 00:00:42,087 --> 00:00:44,712 -Whoa! Oh, no. Oh, no. -Son of a bitch! 18 00:00:44,712 --> 00:00:48,254 I have spoken to our top LPs to start a new firm. 19 00:00:48,254 --> 00:00:50,670 Would you care to jump ship with me? 20 00:00:50,670 --> 00:00:53,629 You are, after all, my best friend. 21 00:00:53,629 --> 00:00:54,795 What? 22 00:00:56,338 --> 00:00:57,171 (GLASS SHATTERS) 23 00:00:57,629 --> 00:00:59,379 HENDRICKS: Gavin just fucked off to go find himself, 24 00:00:59,379 --> 00:01:00,504 who knows where. 25 00:01:01,129 --> 00:01:02,837 -What is it? -It's the patent. 26 00:01:02,837 --> 00:01:04,837 He just signed over full ownership to me. 27 00:01:05,087 --> 00:01:06,463 There's a loud man here to see you. 28 00:01:06,754 --> 00:01:11,046 -Kendo in the house! (CHORTLES) -Are you fucking kidding me? 29 00:01:11,046 --> 00:01:13,463 BELSON: (SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE) 30 00:01:18,795 --> 00:01:21,629 Welcome home and congratulations on getting your business back. 31 00:01:21,629 --> 00:01:22,421 Thank you, and I should 32 00:01:22,629 --> 00:01:23,795 congratulate you on your breakthrough. 33 00:01:23,795 --> 00:01:25,962 I can help you get where you wanna go. 34 00:01:25,962 --> 00:01:27,754 I'm pretty sure I know where I wanna go, 35 00:01:27,754 --> 00:01:28,754 and how to get there. 36 00:01:28,754 --> 00:01:30,212 I shall look forward to the fight. 37 00:01:31,087 --> 00:01:32,171 ♪ (MUSIC STOPS) ♪ 38 00:01:34,254 --> 00:01:35,837 Jesus, what the hell did he order? 39 00:01:35,837 --> 00:01:37,046 ♪ (MARIACHI BAND PLAYING) ♪ 40 00:01:37,046 --> 00:01:40,338 Oh... No! No, no, no, no. Stop! Stop it, stop it. 41 00:01:49,670 --> 00:01:53,629 ♪ ♪ 42 00:01:55,254 --> 00:01:57,588 Oh my God. (chuckles) 43 00:01:57,588 --> 00:01:59,004 These are our new offices? 44 00:01:59,004 --> 00:02:00,754 Richard: Yeah. Well, this is just the lobby. 45 00:02:00,754 --> 00:02:03,171 We're up there on the second floor, but yup. 46 00:02:03,171 --> 00:02:04,837 These are so nice. 47 00:02:04,837 --> 00:02:07,588 (gasps) There's a fireplace. 48 00:02:07,588 --> 00:02:11,670 Oh! I am a sucker for an intuitive kitchen layout. 49 00:02:11,670 --> 00:02:14,338 Follow me, right up here. Trust me, you're gonna love it. 50 00:02:14,338 --> 00:02:16,546 Gilfoyle: It's hard to believe your pathological inability 51 00:02:16,546 --> 00:02:19,379 to make a decision finally paid off. (laughs) 52 00:02:19,379 --> 00:02:23,212 (Dinesh laughs) Jared: Wow. Richard, well done. 53 00:02:23,212 --> 00:02:26,546 Dude! Look at this place, huh? 54 00:02:26,546 --> 00:02:29,212 Jared: Oh, I love it. (Dinesh laughs) 55 00:02:29,212 --> 00:02:31,046 So, when do these guys move out? 56 00:02:31,046 --> 00:02:32,795 Oh, no, this isn't our space. 57 00:02:32,795 --> 00:02:35,254 Our sublease is straight through here. 58 00:02:36,754 --> 00:02:38,670 (Dinesh laughs) Okay. 59 00:02:38,670 --> 00:02:43,338 I welcome you to Pied Piper's new home. 60 00:02:43,338 --> 00:02:46,795 Huh? (laughs) (lights humming) 61 00:02:46,795 --> 00:02:48,712 Hoo-hoo-hoo! 62 00:02:49,712 --> 00:02:51,546 It's-- it's very white. 63 00:02:51,546 --> 00:02:53,712 Yeah, it's minimalist, you know? 64 00:02:53,712 --> 00:02:55,795 Sharp, clean lines. 65 00:02:55,795 --> 00:02:58,588 I was thinking about maybe putting my desk here in this corner. 66 00:02:58,588 --> 00:03:00,920 Jared, you over here, right? 67 00:03:00,920 --> 00:03:03,920 Dinesh, Gilfoyle, maybe up against this wall or over there. 68 00:03:03,920 --> 00:03:06,212 You know, just take a minute, walk around the space, 69 00:03:06,212 --> 00:03:08,171 see where the mojo takes you. 70 00:03:08,171 --> 00:03:10,087 I mean, we've got some good feng shui in here. 71 00:03:10,087 --> 00:03:13,962 Really good. (mimics fists whooshing) 72 00:03:13,962 --> 00:03:17,629 Richard, the plan was to hire 15 coders 73 00:03:17,629 --> 00:03:20,670 and some assistants and-- and other staff. 74 00:03:20,670 --> 00:03:23,004 Where exactly would we put them? 75 00:03:23,004 --> 00:03:25,546 Easy. Right around here. 76 00:03:25,546 --> 00:03:28,795 Look, guys... (chuckles) the price 77 00:03:28,795 --> 00:03:31,421 (emphatically) is unbelievable. 78 00:03:31,421 --> 00:03:34,837 I'm just happy that we got to it when we did before anyone else. 79 00:03:34,837 --> 00:03:40,046 I-- I emphatically vote that we move on this now, if we all agree. 80 00:03:40,046 --> 00:03:42,463 I mean, we do agree, right? 81 00:03:44,629 --> 00:03:47,463 I cannot put this delicately, so-- 82 00:03:47,463 --> 00:03:49,879 (shouting) Are you fucking kidding me, dude? 83 00:03:49,879 --> 00:03:51,629 You want us to work in here? 84 00:03:51,629 --> 00:03:54,212 This is a fucking black site, Richard! 85 00:03:54,212 --> 00:03:56,129 A black site would actually be better, 86 00:03:56,129 --> 00:03:59,129 because at least we'd be protected by the Geneva Convention. 87 00:03:59,129 --> 00:04:01,338 This is fucking with my eyes. Can I get outta here? 88 00:04:01,338 --> 00:04:04,463 Okay, ha-- hang on. Richard, can I talk to you 89 00:04:04,463 --> 00:04:06,795 for one second, please, privately? Richard: Sure. 90 00:04:08,379 --> 00:04:11,004 Ah! See? Plenty of outlets. 91 00:04:12,254 --> 00:04:14,879 (whispering) Richard... what are you doing? 92 00:04:14,879 --> 00:04:19,254 We can easily afford a place with windows and... air 93 00:04:19,254 --> 00:04:22,296 where you can maintain a connection to time and space. 94 00:04:22,296 --> 00:04:26,171 (whispering) If-- if we spend all that money, it's gone. 95 00:04:26,171 --> 00:04:28,171 Okay, don't you remember Jack Barker 96 00:04:28,171 --> 00:04:30,338 squandering all our runway for those fancy offices 97 00:04:30,338 --> 00:04:33,795 or Russ Hanneman spending nearly every cent we had on fucking swag? 98 00:04:33,795 --> 00:04:37,004 I'm sorry, man, we do not get another chance. 99 00:04:37,004 --> 00:04:38,212 This is it. 100 00:04:38,212 --> 00:04:39,837 Gilfoyle: There is no point whispering. 101 00:04:39,837 --> 00:04:43,338 We can hear every fucking word you say in this sweatbox. 102 00:04:43,338 --> 00:04:45,296 I can hear you gulping, Richard. 103 00:04:45,296 --> 00:04:47,546 No, you can't. (gulps) 104 00:04:47,546 --> 00:04:48,670 (groans) 105 00:04:48,670 --> 00:04:51,296 Richard, it is my firm opinion 106 00:04:51,296 --> 00:04:53,795 that if we were to take this space, 107 00:04:53,795 --> 00:04:55,795 our new hires wouldn't be coding, 108 00:04:55,795 --> 00:04:57,546 they would be having panic attacks. 109 00:04:57,546 --> 00:05:00,879 No, come on. I'm doing a really good job of hiding it, 110 00:05:00,879 --> 00:05:03,712 but I'm having one right now. 111 00:05:03,712 --> 00:05:06,379 (breathing raspingly) 112 00:05:06,379 --> 00:05:08,212 I gotta get the fuck outta here. 113 00:05:08,212 --> 00:05:11,212 Jared, you okay? I will not be back. 114 00:05:11,212 --> 00:05:13,879 Wait, guys, hold on. Jared, I'm gonna get you some water, okay? 115 00:05:13,879 --> 00:05:16,171 (Jared gasping) 116 00:05:16,171 --> 00:05:18,212 (theme music plays) 117 00:05:26,171 --> 00:05:30,171 ♪ ♪ 118 00:05:30,171 --> 00:05:32,629 Richard: Okay, what about this guy, Chris Berger? 119 00:05:32,629 --> 00:05:34,212 He's a very skilled engineer. 120 00:05:34,212 --> 00:05:37,046 He was very funny when we met with him. I think he'd be great. 121 00:05:37,046 --> 00:05:39,588 He was oddly tall, don't you think? 122 00:05:39,588 --> 00:05:41,254 Gilfoyle: Yeah, pass. 123 00:05:41,254 --> 00:05:44,421 Alright, what about Blake Kang? 124 00:05:44,421 --> 00:05:46,421 His beard hair looked like head hair. 125 00:05:46,421 --> 00:05:48,962 And his head hair looked like beard hair. 126 00:05:48,962 --> 00:05:51,920 Come on! It's been a fucking month. 127 00:05:51,920 --> 00:05:54,754 I got us these expensive-ass offices 128 00:05:54,754 --> 00:05:59,046 because you wanted them, and now they're just sitting here, empty, 129 00:05:59,046 --> 00:06:01,046 because you guys won't agree on anyone. 130 00:06:01,046 --> 00:06:03,920 Look, I'm going to be seeing Laurie Bream 131 00:06:03,920 --> 00:06:07,254 at this stupid Innovation Hall of Fame event tonight, 132 00:06:07,254 --> 00:06:10,338 and she's gonna ask how hiring is going. 133 00:06:10,338 --> 00:06:13,421 She's 11 months pregnant and highly irritable. 134 00:06:13,421 --> 00:06:14,795 What am I going to tell her? 135 00:06:14,795 --> 00:06:16,712 That we've just been dicking around the whole time? 136 00:06:16,712 --> 00:06:19,129 We're not dicking around. Really? 137 00:06:19,129 --> 00:06:20,920 What about this? 138 00:06:20,920 --> 00:06:22,129 Gilfoyle: Touché. 139 00:06:22,129 --> 00:06:24,962 He sent in a professional headshot. We had no choice. 140 00:06:24,962 --> 00:06:27,212 Plus his face looks like a taint. 141 00:06:27,212 --> 00:06:28,962 Okay, yeah, fair. 142 00:06:28,962 --> 00:06:33,629 But look, I sent you 63 good people. 143 00:06:33,629 --> 00:06:37,296 I spared you kilt guy, openly alt-right guy, 144 00:06:37,296 --> 00:06:38,879 obviously closeted alt-right guy, 145 00:06:38,879 --> 00:06:41,421 and the guy with the stupid fucking pizza app. 146 00:06:41,421 --> 00:06:44,879 It was so lame, it would somehow make you hate pizza. 147 00:06:44,879 --> 00:06:48,129 You have to choose. Dude, it's easy for you to say. 148 00:06:48,129 --> 00:06:50,629 You're gonna be off CEO'ing, going to fancy galas. 149 00:06:50,629 --> 00:06:54,087 We're the ones who have to like be in the engine room with these clowns. 150 00:06:54,087 --> 00:06:55,795 Gilfoyle: They have to meet our rigorous standards. 151 00:06:55,795 --> 00:06:57,629 I mean, look at the three we've already hired. 152 00:06:58,629 --> 00:07:01,296 Just look at them. There they are. 153 00:07:01,296 --> 00:07:04,212 ♪ ♪ 154 00:07:04,212 --> 00:07:05,588 Stallions. 155 00:07:05,588 --> 00:07:09,129 Gilfoyle: Each one more magnificent than the last. 156 00:07:09,129 --> 00:07:10,171 Dinesh: Perfect. 157 00:07:10,171 --> 00:07:12,795 Yeah, they're glorious, obviously, 158 00:07:12,795 --> 00:07:15,212 but that's only three of them, 159 00:07:15,212 --> 00:07:18,379 and they're luxuriating here in this huge fucking palace 160 00:07:18,379 --> 00:07:22,421 that is costing us a fortune, so hurry up and pick these fucking coders, 161 00:07:22,421 --> 00:07:25,296 and stop acting like a couple of spoiled millionaires. 162 00:07:25,296 --> 00:07:26,463 Alright, Richard, 163 00:07:26,463 --> 00:07:29,588 your tuxedo is pressed and ready for the gala. 164 00:07:29,588 --> 00:07:32,171 I put a touch of mint in the steamer. 165 00:07:32,171 --> 00:07:35,046 You're gonna look like Richard Gere from "Pretty Woman." 166 00:07:35,046 --> 00:07:38,504 Maybe tonight you'll fall for a radiant sex worker. 167 00:07:38,504 --> 00:07:41,879 ♪ ♪ 168 00:07:41,879 --> 00:07:44,629 During my sabbatical from Hooli, 169 00:07:44,629 --> 00:07:48,212 I toured the wonders of the world, seeking inspiration 170 00:07:48,212 --> 00:07:50,712 from mankind's greatest achievements-- 171 00:07:50,712 --> 00:07:53,421 the Parthenon, Angkor Wat, 172 00:07:53,421 --> 00:07:55,629 the Great Pyramid of Giza. 173 00:07:55,629 --> 00:07:58,212 But it wasn't until my flight home 174 00:07:58,212 --> 00:07:59,879 that I had my epiphany. 175 00:07:59,879 --> 00:08:04,546 Yes, those wonders are visited by thousands of people every year, 176 00:08:04,546 --> 00:08:08,129 but 2.4 million people 177 00:08:08,129 --> 00:08:10,754 visit HooliSearch every minute. 178 00:08:10,754 --> 00:08:12,254 (mutters) God, what a fucking douchebag. 179 00:08:12,254 --> 00:08:14,046 (people shush) Gavin: And then it occurred to me. 180 00:08:14,046 --> 00:08:18,004 What I have built is a far greater achievement, 181 00:08:18,004 --> 00:08:19,837 than any of the ancient world. 182 00:08:19,837 --> 00:08:22,754 And the ideal version of myself 183 00:08:22,754 --> 00:08:25,379 was the man I already was. 184 00:08:25,379 --> 00:08:29,129 (applause) (classical score plays) 185 00:08:30,588 --> 00:08:31,629 Thank you. 186 00:08:33,837 --> 00:08:35,296 Richard? Richard Hendricks. 187 00:08:35,296 --> 00:08:38,212 Oh. Huh? Okay. Yeah, hi, Duncan. Yeah. 188 00:08:38,212 --> 00:08:41,379 Me and my guys were just talking about you and your pizza app. 189 00:08:41,379 --> 00:08:44,212 (chuckles) Oh yeah. I bet. Our algorithm finds you 190 00:08:44,212 --> 00:08:46,754 the cheapest, fastest pizza, and it's-- it's awesome. 191 00:08:46,754 --> 00:08:48,463 Yeah. It's actually so awesome... Definitely. 192 00:08:48,463 --> 00:08:51,920 that-- oh man, I'm gonna-- I'm gonna have to pull my resume. 193 00:08:51,920 --> 00:08:54,212 Oh, you're pulling your-- (clicks tongue) 194 00:08:54,212 --> 00:08:57,546 Oh no. Yeah, I just don't feel as psyched about it 195 00:08:57,546 --> 00:09:00,296 as I do about Sliceline. Sliceline? 196 00:09:00,296 --> 00:09:02,296 That's the name of your app? 197 00:09:02,296 --> 00:09:04,670 Yeah. Oh God. (chuckles) 198 00:09:04,670 --> 00:09:06,087 Great. Yeah, it's a pun. 199 00:09:06,087 --> 00:09:09,212 Is it? Yeah. It rhymes with Priceline. 200 00:09:09,212 --> 00:09:13,338 Okay. Just-- so, it rhymes? Okay. Yeah. It's a rhyming pun. 201 00:09:13,338 --> 00:09:17,004 Anyway, there might be some major VCs around here, so I gotta go mingle. 202 00:09:17,004 --> 00:09:21,129 Okay. It's the-- it's the worst part of this job. Am I right? 203 00:09:21,129 --> 00:09:23,338 (laughs) I'm kidding. It's the best part of the job. 204 00:09:25,129 --> 00:09:26,129 Okay. 205 00:09:27,129 --> 00:09:28,338 (mutters) What an asshole. 206 00:09:30,379 --> 00:09:32,296 Richard. Gavin, hello. 207 00:09:32,296 --> 00:09:34,837 Don't you look cute in your Sunday best? 208 00:09:34,837 --> 00:09:37,338 How's that little bunny Internet going? 209 00:09:37,338 --> 00:09:39,795 Mmm. New Internet. New. 210 00:09:39,795 --> 00:09:41,421 Unlike your old Internet. 211 00:09:41,421 --> 00:09:44,379 (chuckles) You know, I'm glad I ran into you, Richard. 212 00:09:44,379 --> 00:09:47,920 I was actually starting to feel bad about what I did today. 213 00:09:47,920 --> 00:09:49,379 Oh? And what was that? 214 00:09:49,379 --> 00:09:52,837 Invent the MOSFET transistor? (chuckles) 215 00:09:52,837 --> 00:09:54,879 It's old technology. It's very old, like you. 216 00:09:54,879 --> 00:09:58,296 No. I've heard that you're trying to staff up. Over the past few months, 217 00:09:58,296 --> 00:10:01,338 you've met with just about every distributed systems developer in the Valley. 218 00:10:01,338 --> 00:10:03,338 Okay, well, not everyone. 219 00:10:03,338 --> 00:10:07,004 63 of them, and as of 4:30 p.m. this afternoon, 220 00:10:07,004 --> 00:10:09,212 I hired them, all 63 of them. 221 00:10:09,212 --> 00:10:11,338 Yeah, I had to pay through the nose, but you know what? 222 00:10:11,338 --> 00:10:15,087 ♪ ♪ That look right there on your face? 223 00:10:15,087 --> 00:10:16,920 It makes it worth every penny. 224 00:10:16,920 --> 00:10:20,338 You know what? Enjoy the reception, Richard. 225 00:10:20,338 --> 00:10:21,670 You too. 226 00:10:21,670 --> 00:10:22,837 ♪ ♪ 227 00:10:22,837 --> 00:10:24,504 Jared: Yeah, he wasn't bluffing. 228 00:10:24,504 --> 00:10:26,379 He hired all of them. 229 00:10:26,379 --> 00:10:28,670 Even my boy Blake Kang? 230 00:10:28,670 --> 00:10:30,087 He was a good one. 231 00:10:30,087 --> 00:10:32,338 I'm sorry, uh, your boy? 232 00:10:32,338 --> 00:10:34,212 I thought his hair was backwards? 233 00:10:34,212 --> 00:10:37,837 You guys were lukewarm on him and everybody else for all kinds of stupid reasons. 234 00:10:37,837 --> 00:10:42,171 Well, now that they're unavailable, their strengths are more readily apparent. 235 00:10:42,171 --> 00:10:46,254 And I don't want to point fingers, but we wouldn't be here 236 00:10:46,254 --> 00:10:50,296 if you hadn't let Gilfoyle and me waste so much time being picky. 237 00:10:50,296 --> 00:10:52,588 What? I was dying to move faster. 238 00:10:52,588 --> 00:10:54,463 I was just respecting your process. 239 00:10:54,463 --> 00:10:55,837 Our process sucks. 240 00:10:55,837 --> 00:10:58,379 Your inability to stop us from sucking 241 00:10:58,379 --> 00:10:59,629 is a failure of leadership. 242 00:10:59,629 --> 00:11:02,046 At least we still have the stallions. 243 00:11:02,046 --> 00:11:03,879 Ah. Those stallions. 244 00:11:03,879 --> 00:11:06,962 Look at 'em. Magnificent. 245 00:11:06,962 --> 00:11:10,379 Sit back down. Just sit in your chairs. 246 00:11:10,379 --> 00:11:12,670 Jared, um... 247 00:11:12,670 --> 00:11:16,920 call alt-right guy and cologne boy and all the other rejects, 248 00:11:16,920 --> 00:11:18,504 and... set meetings. 249 00:11:18,504 --> 00:11:21,670 Well, I did a little digging on the alt-right guy, 250 00:11:21,670 --> 00:11:25,504 and he's pretty involved in a campaign to eliminate black emojis, 251 00:11:25,504 --> 00:11:28,795 but there might be another option. 252 00:11:28,795 --> 00:11:30,754 Do you remember Kira Pickford? 253 00:11:30,754 --> 00:11:34,296 Yes, actually. Yeah, good coder, but she had her own company. 254 00:11:34,296 --> 00:11:37,379 Well, that's true, except that her company, Optimoji, 255 00:11:37,379 --> 00:11:39,087 just lost their second round of funding, 256 00:11:39,087 --> 00:11:40,712 so they're basically on life support. 257 00:11:40,712 --> 00:11:44,670 So? So, what if, instead of building a team, 258 00:11:44,670 --> 00:11:45,920 we acquired one? 259 00:11:45,920 --> 00:11:48,920 Dinesh: But Optimoji has 30 people. We only need 12. 260 00:11:48,920 --> 00:11:51,920 Well, we'll just insist that she let the other 18 go. 261 00:11:51,920 --> 00:11:55,795 We have a lot of leverage. Richard is a shrewd negotiator, 262 00:11:55,795 --> 00:11:58,837 and I'm, you know, spirited. 263 00:11:58,837 --> 00:12:00,087 ♪ ♪ 264 00:12:00,087 --> 00:12:03,296 Look, Kira, this is a fair offer. 265 00:12:03,296 --> 00:12:05,837 But... I've got 30 great guys. 266 00:12:05,837 --> 00:12:11,254 We're like family, and you only wanna bring along 12? 267 00:12:11,254 --> 00:12:13,129 I have to do what's right by my guys. 268 00:12:13,129 --> 00:12:17,629 Look, I know what it's like to only be able to rescue half your family, 269 00:12:17,629 --> 00:12:19,795 and it's awful, but what can you do? Shh, shh. 270 00:12:19,795 --> 00:12:21,588 Sometimes there's only one-- Jared, okay, stop. 271 00:12:21,588 --> 00:12:24,879 Um, look, Kira, you're not gonna find a better deal than that. 272 00:12:24,879 --> 00:12:27,421 Your company is close to bankruptcy 273 00:12:27,421 --> 00:12:31,504 and we all know that there are a lotta coders out there in this old town, 274 00:12:31,504 --> 00:12:34,421 and we could go to any of 'em, 275 00:12:34,421 --> 00:12:37,296 but we wanna go to you, so... 276 00:12:39,171 --> 00:12:41,837 kinda feels like we've got all the cards here, huh? 277 00:12:41,837 --> 00:12:44,171 Richard. You keep following me, 278 00:12:44,171 --> 00:12:45,379 I'm gonna call the cops. 279 00:12:45,379 --> 00:12:46,712 (chuckles) I'm just kidding. Oh. 280 00:12:46,712 --> 00:12:48,920 Hey, I'm Duncan. Hey. Kira. 281 00:12:48,920 --> 00:12:53,629 Hey, guess what company just got his Series "A" Term Sheet? Huh? 282 00:12:53,629 --> 00:12:56,546 Oh, the Sliceline. (laughs) 283 00:12:56,546 --> 00:12:59,463 Congrats, yeah. Duncan: Yeah, we're staffing up like crazy. 284 00:12:59,463 --> 00:13:02,254 Speaking of staffing, how about all those coders you lost, man? 285 00:13:02,254 --> 00:13:05,004 I'm sorry. That must've been a real blow. 286 00:13:05,004 --> 00:13:06,588 What coders? 287 00:13:06,588 --> 00:13:09,588 Um, I'm sorry, I don't mean to be rude, but this is boring. 288 00:13:09,588 --> 00:13:11,254 Thank God I didn't accept your offer. 289 00:13:11,254 --> 00:13:12,588 I'd be the only guy working for you 290 00:13:12,588 --> 00:13:14,004 now that Gavin Belson swooped in 291 00:13:14,004 --> 00:13:15,588 and tactically mass-hired every single 292 00:13:15,588 --> 00:13:17,712 distributed systems engineer you were looking at. 293 00:13:17,712 --> 00:13:19,712 Gavin hired all of Richard's coders? 294 00:13:19,712 --> 00:13:21,463 Not everyone. Not everyone. 295 00:13:21,463 --> 00:13:23,712 Yup. The guy is savage, 296 00:13:23,712 --> 00:13:26,212 and so are my guys if they don't get their caffeine, 297 00:13:26,212 --> 00:13:30,046 so nice meeting you, Kira. Cool. Cool, cool. 298 00:13:32,379 --> 00:13:34,212 What were you saying about holding all the cards? 299 00:13:34,212 --> 00:13:36,712 All of my coders or none of them. 300 00:13:36,712 --> 00:13:37,920 Take it or leave it. 301 00:13:39,254 --> 00:13:43,046 ♪ ♪ 302 00:13:44,546 --> 00:13:45,670 Dinesh: What? 303 00:13:47,212 --> 00:13:48,670 Gilfoyle: What the fuck? 304 00:13:49,588 --> 00:13:51,212 Do you have-- Do you-- 305 00:13:51,212 --> 00:13:53,046 Dinesh: Jian-Yang! 306 00:13:54,379 --> 00:13:57,087 Jian-Yang... would you please explain 307 00:13:57,087 --> 00:14:00,795 why we each found some random Chinese guy asleep in our beds? 308 00:14:01,754 --> 00:14:03,795 Yes, you work all day. 309 00:14:03,795 --> 00:14:08,254 Your rooms are always empty, so they use. 310 00:14:08,254 --> 00:14:11,837 The fuck they do. Yes, it's not your house. 311 00:14:11,837 --> 00:14:14,379 This is not your house either, Jian-Yang. 312 00:14:14,379 --> 00:14:18,837 This is Erlich's house. Do you think Erlich would want your guys here? 313 00:14:18,837 --> 00:14:22,421 No. That's why I invite them, because I hate Errich. 314 00:14:22,421 --> 00:14:26,588 We are not Erlich. You are from Errich's administration. 315 00:14:26,588 --> 00:14:29,629 No, we are not. Nobody has heard from Erlich in months. 316 00:14:29,629 --> 00:14:33,588 This isn't working. I'm gonna drag your cousin the fuck outta my lair. 317 00:14:33,588 --> 00:14:36,379 Jian-Yang: No, this is my cousin. 318 00:14:36,379 --> 00:14:39,754 ♪ ♪ 319 00:14:39,754 --> 00:14:41,629 Engineers, welcome. 320 00:14:41,629 --> 00:14:45,837 You are 63 of the top distributed systems developers in the Valley, 321 00:14:45,837 --> 00:14:47,795 and we're looking forward to working with you. 322 00:14:47,795 --> 00:14:51,670 Hooli is the future, and your future is... 323 00:14:53,087 --> 00:14:54,171 ♪ ♪ 324 00:14:54,171 --> 00:14:55,837 the Box Two. 325 00:14:58,670 --> 00:15:00,795 So, are there any questions? 326 00:15:04,920 --> 00:15:06,254 Yes? 327 00:15:06,254 --> 00:15:09,129 I'm sorry, but what if we don't wanna work on that? 328 00:15:10,254 --> 00:15:12,463 Weird. This is our flagship product, 329 00:15:12,463 --> 00:15:15,171 but I'm sure we'd all like to hear what you would like to work on. 330 00:15:15,171 --> 00:15:18,920 A decentralized Internet, like we were going to build with Richard Hendricks. 331 00:15:18,920 --> 00:15:23,338 Actually, that's the one thing we can't do here at Hooli. Yes? 332 00:15:23,338 --> 00:15:27,670 Sorry. You only hired us because Pied Piper wanted us, right? 333 00:15:27,670 --> 00:15:29,296 Untrue. Go on. 334 00:15:29,296 --> 00:15:30,670 And Pied Piper only wanted us 335 00:15:30,670 --> 00:15:33,588 because of our ability to help build a decentralized Internet. 336 00:15:33,588 --> 00:15:35,296 Can't speak to that. Continue. 337 00:15:35,296 --> 00:15:37,588 And you're telling us that even if we want to, 338 00:15:37,588 --> 00:15:40,004 we can't build a decentralized Internet here. 339 00:15:40,004 --> 00:15:41,129 May I ask why not? 340 00:15:41,129 --> 00:15:44,004 Because Richard owns the patent for it. 341 00:15:45,629 --> 00:15:47,171 Yes, third row, red hoodie. 342 00:15:47,171 --> 00:15:49,837 How did he get it? I gave it to him. 343 00:15:52,004 --> 00:15:54,338 You in the back? Why did you do that? 344 00:15:54,338 --> 00:15:57,670 It was a Buddhist act of selflessness. 345 00:15:57,670 --> 00:16:01,504 Well, I'm also a Buddhist, and I would never give him the patent. 346 00:16:01,504 --> 00:16:03,296 I mean, once he builds that Internet, 347 00:16:03,296 --> 00:16:07,879 he's gonna render Hooli's entire web-based ecosystem completely obsolete. 348 00:16:07,879 --> 00:16:11,046 I mean, everything you're doing here is antiquated. 349 00:16:12,212 --> 00:16:14,296 That's not a question. That's a statement. 350 00:16:14,296 --> 00:16:16,546 You know what? 351 00:16:16,546 --> 00:16:19,129 Fuck you guys. I don't want you working on my box. 352 00:16:19,129 --> 00:16:21,046 It's too good for you. "Antiquated"? 353 00:16:21,046 --> 00:16:23,463 Why did you all take my money then, you entitled little pricks? 354 00:16:23,463 --> 00:16:25,212 You all think you're John Lennon 355 00:16:25,212 --> 00:16:27,546 until someone waves a dollar in your face! 356 00:16:27,546 --> 00:16:29,004 You know what? Get outta here! 357 00:16:29,004 --> 00:16:32,463 Go on, just wander the campus for four years until you vest. 358 00:16:32,463 --> 00:16:33,920 See what I care. 359 00:16:33,920 --> 00:16:36,754 I'm serious! Go! Goodbye! Thank you very much! 360 00:16:36,754 --> 00:16:38,712 (murmuring) 361 00:16:38,712 --> 00:16:41,879 Assholes. "Antiquated"? 362 00:16:41,879 --> 00:16:45,212 Fuck do they think they are? I'm in the Innovation Hall of Fame. Are they? 363 00:16:45,212 --> 00:16:49,421 Speaking of, they sent over the official inductees portrait. 364 00:16:49,421 --> 00:16:51,463 You and your peers. Handsome bunch. 365 00:16:55,463 --> 00:16:56,463 Fuck. 366 00:16:57,920 --> 00:16:58,920 Fuck! 367 00:16:58,920 --> 00:17:03,504 ♪ ♪ 368 00:17:03,504 --> 00:17:07,338 So, Mr. Yang-- It's Mr. Jian. 369 00:17:07,338 --> 00:17:10,588 In China, last name comes first. 370 00:17:10,588 --> 00:17:16,588 Okay. Mr. Jian, you say that Erlich Bachman wrote this letter... 371 00:17:16,588 --> 00:17:19,712 to you? Yes. 372 00:17:19,712 --> 00:17:22,338 "This is Erlich. Hello. 373 00:17:22,338 --> 00:17:29,046 "I am gone, but Jian-Yang is a very good friend and very smart. 374 00:17:29,046 --> 00:17:33,046 "I want him to be the leader of the house 375 00:17:33,046 --> 00:17:36,338 "and control all of the friends. 376 00:17:36,338 --> 00:17:39,962 Goodbye. Bachman Erlich." 377 00:17:41,629 --> 00:17:45,046 Yes. I want his house. 378 00:17:45,046 --> 00:17:48,712 Thank you. Okay, I don't technically represent Mr. Bachman. 379 00:17:48,712 --> 00:17:51,338 I'm Pied Piper's corporate counsel, 380 00:17:51,338 --> 00:17:56,254 so my exposure to Bachman pertains only to his 10% ownership of the business. 381 00:17:56,254 --> 00:18:00,129 Errich owns 10% of Pied Piper? 382 00:18:00,129 --> 00:18:04,504 This was not a lie? Sadly, no, that's very, very real. 383 00:18:04,504 --> 00:18:07,504 That's worth a lot of money. 384 00:18:07,504 --> 00:18:11,463 It's promising tech. One day it could be worth a shit-ton. 385 00:18:12,837 --> 00:18:16,087 Shit-ton. Yes. 386 00:18:16,087 --> 00:18:19,004 Mr. Jian, you seem like a good guy. 387 00:18:19,004 --> 00:18:23,254 Um, this letter is not a legal document. 388 00:18:23,254 --> 00:18:26,670 I mean, maybe a skilled attorney could make a case 389 00:18:26,670 --> 00:18:28,879 that in the absence of an existing will, 390 00:18:28,879 --> 00:18:31,296 this would serve as one in the case of Bachman's death, 391 00:18:31,296 --> 00:18:34,629 but as far as I can tell, the guy is not... Dead. 392 00:18:35,837 --> 00:18:39,379 Yes. Errich is dead. 393 00:18:41,379 --> 00:18:44,670 Do you happen to have... a death certificate 394 00:18:44,670 --> 00:18:48,171 or any-- any form of proof of-- Yes. 395 00:18:49,254 --> 00:18:50,712 I can get it now. 396 00:18:50,712 --> 00:18:52,379 ♪ ♪ 397 00:18:54,588 --> 00:18:57,379 Richard: Our deal with Kira is for 30 fucking coders. 398 00:18:57,379 --> 00:18:58,754 Where in the hell are we gonna put them? 399 00:18:58,754 --> 00:19:02,254 Well, I suppose we could put three more workstations here, 400 00:19:02,254 --> 00:19:03,920 and then two more over there. 401 00:19:03,920 --> 00:19:05,629 It'd be crowded but cozy. 402 00:19:05,629 --> 00:19:08,338 They'll be all holed up together like the Branch Davidians. 403 00:19:08,338 --> 00:19:12,504 Yeah, but, I mean, are we sure this is the right thing to do? 404 00:19:12,504 --> 00:19:14,546 I mean, I don't want to crowd the stallions. 405 00:19:14,546 --> 00:19:18,670 Are we sure taking on all 30 of Kira's guys is the right move? 406 00:19:18,670 --> 00:19:20,754 We can get up and running. They all know each other, 407 00:19:20,754 --> 00:19:22,463 so we won't have to play the name game. 408 00:19:22,463 --> 00:19:24,379 Yeah. (phone rings) 409 00:19:27,171 --> 00:19:30,463 Ron, hello. Hey, buddy. Hang on just a second. 410 00:19:30,463 --> 00:19:33,920 No, the-- the exit is-- the exit is the other way. 411 00:19:33,920 --> 00:19:38,754 God damn it. Um, Richie, you know a guy named "Jee-Ann"? 412 00:19:38,754 --> 00:19:43,670 Jan? Uh, no. Well, I know a "Jan the Man," but she's a woman. 413 00:19:43,670 --> 00:19:46,754 Look, did you-- did you talk to the Optimoji board yet? 414 00:19:46,754 --> 00:19:48,754 Uh, did we close the deal? 415 00:19:48,754 --> 00:19:52,795 Uh, well, a deal closed. Another bidder came in with a better offer, 416 00:19:52,795 --> 00:19:54,588 so they went with them. Richard (on phone): What? 417 00:19:54,588 --> 00:19:56,546 Was it Gavin fucking Belson again? 418 00:19:56,546 --> 00:19:58,920 Ron (on phone): No, it was a new company. 419 00:19:58,920 --> 00:20:00,962 Real smart, clever name. 420 00:20:00,962 --> 00:20:03,254 Sort of a pun that rhymes. 421 00:20:03,254 --> 00:20:04,754 ♪ ♪ (door opens) 422 00:20:10,129 --> 00:20:12,421 Oh, hello, dickheads. 423 00:20:12,421 --> 00:20:14,504 I hope I'm not interrupting your plotting, 424 00:20:14,504 --> 00:20:16,712 (keyboards clacking) you sneaky little dinks. 425 00:20:16,712 --> 00:20:19,379 Kira, you and I had a deal, okay? 426 00:20:19,379 --> 00:20:22,754 So fuck you, fuck you, and fuck you! 427 00:20:22,754 --> 00:20:25,338 (clacking stops) Man: What did he say? 428 00:20:25,338 --> 00:20:27,754 Not you. Just e-- everyone. 429 00:20:27,754 --> 00:20:29,712 I meant fuck all of you. No one specific. 430 00:20:29,712 --> 00:20:31,546 Richard, you low-balled me. Mmm? 431 00:20:31,546 --> 00:20:35,629 Remember? Well, Duncan here said he wanted to grow fast as balls. 432 00:20:35,629 --> 00:20:38,046 He said he was psyched. Yeah, I am psyched. 433 00:20:38,046 --> 00:20:39,546 I'd hire a million people if I could. 434 00:20:39,546 --> 00:20:42,296 See, if I have to sell my company, I might as well sell it 435 00:20:42,296 --> 00:20:45,129 to the CEO who actually wants all of us. 436 00:20:45,129 --> 00:20:46,754 It's pizza, Kira. 437 00:20:46,754 --> 00:20:50,254 Richard, we're just three CEOs trying to do right by our companies. 438 00:20:50,254 --> 00:20:52,795 Okay, you know what? I'm glad you turned us down, 439 00:20:52,795 --> 00:20:54,588 because I don't want to work with anyone 440 00:20:54,588 --> 00:20:57,712 who wants to work with this... meathead. 441 00:21:00,837 --> 00:21:04,629 I'm taking these. I'm taking all of them. 442 00:21:04,629 --> 00:21:06,171 ♪ ♪ 443 00:21:06,171 --> 00:21:09,171 Maybe just take one. You have like four employees. Richard: Ha! 444 00:21:16,171 --> 00:21:17,296 Ah, shit. 445 00:21:18,504 --> 00:21:20,171 Gavin: Throw it away. 446 00:21:20,171 --> 00:21:23,546 Patrice, I'd like to welcome you back to the Hooli family. 447 00:21:23,546 --> 00:21:25,670 It's wonderful to be back, Gavin. 448 00:21:25,670 --> 00:21:28,296 Sadly, the timing couldn't be worse. 449 00:21:28,296 --> 00:21:31,588 Those code-monkeys I just hired were right about one thing: 450 00:21:31,588 --> 00:21:35,171 Making Jack's box the flagship product of this company 451 00:21:35,171 --> 00:21:37,795 will send us down a path to technological irrelevance 452 00:21:37,795 --> 00:21:39,463 from which we will never return. 453 00:21:39,463 --> 00:21:42,004 But in light of the time and resources 454 00:21:42,004 --> 00:21:43,546 we've invested in this product, 455 00:21:43,546 --> 00:21:45,504 convincing the board and our shareholders 456 00:21:45,504 --> 00:21:47,754 to simply scrap it will be nearly impossible. 457 00:21:47,754 --> 00:21:50,463 Our company is too big to turn around that quickly. 458 00:21:50,463 --> 00:21:53,962 Gavin, what if you launched a new product to help us correct course? 459 00:21:53,962 --> 00:21:57,504 Absolutely. Look at all the products you've brought to market over the years. 460 00:21:57,504 --> 00:21:59,588 Gavin: Hmm. True. 461 00:21:59,588 --> 00:22:04,504 I did invent the HooliPod and the HooliPad and the HooliPad Pro, 462 00:22:04,504 --> 00:22:08,754 but a man only has so many game-changing inventions in him. 463 00:22:08,754 --> 00:22:12,421 And technically, all the products he just named were money-losers. 464 00:22:12,421 --> 00:22:14,379 I mean, you could argue we'd have been better off 465 00:22:14,379 --> 00:22:16,712 if he'd never invented any of that stuff. 466 00:22:20,296 --> 00:22:21,421 Hoover. Hoover: Sir. 467 00:22:23,046 --> 00:22:25,421 (whispers) 468 00:22:25,421 --> 00:22:28,296 Patrice, can I talk to you outside for a second? 469 00:22:31,212 --> 00:22:35,629 Anyway, if Jack Barker's insidious box is allowed to go to market, 470 00:22:35,629 --> 00:22:36,879 we may all lose our jobs. 471 00:22:36,879 --> 00:22:38,296 We may all go the way of Patrice. 472 00:22:38,296 --> 00:22:41,421 But we must fight it. We cannot sacrifice 473 00:22:41,421 --> 00:22:45,962 our long-term wellbeing in the interest of paltry, short-term profits. 474 00:22:45,962 --> 00:22:48,004 Well, they're not paltry, exactly. 475 00:22:48,004 --> 00:22:50,795 Did you not see the preorder figures for the Box Two? 476 00:22:50,795 --> 00:22:52,629 They came in this morning. 477 00:22:54,795 --> 00:22:56,254 Holy shit. 478 00:22:57,254 --> 00:23:00,046 Are these right? How many quarters is this? 479 00:23:00,046 --> 00:23:02,296 Just one. The Box Two will be by far 480 00:23:02,296 --> 00:23:04,338 the most lucrative new product we've ever released. 481 00:23:06,754 --> 00:23:08,129 Fucking Sliceline. 482 00:23:08,129 --> 00:23:11,379 Plus his fancy, hi-tech pizza tastes just like Domino's. 483 00:23:11,379 --> 00:23:14,421 There's a reason for that. Check out the liner. 484 00:23:14,421 --> 00:23:17,212 Jared: Oh yeah. I guess that's Domino's. 485 00:23:17,212 --> 00:23:19,046 We never had pizza 'cause my step-mom said 486 00:23:19,046 --> 00:23:21,588 Italians aren't real white people. 487 00:23:21,588 --> 00:23:24,588 Hold on. Duncan doesn't even make his own pizza? 488 00:23:24,588 --> 00:23:26,504 He just orders it from Domino's 489 00:23:26,504 --> 00:23:28,129 and switches the boxes? 490 00:23:28,129 --> 00:23:29,795 (scoffs) He really is sneaky. 491 00:23:29,795 --> 00:23:33,129 It's not sneaky. It's stupid. 492 00:23:33,129 --> 00:23:35,546 Switching boxes costs a lot of money. 493 00:23:35,546 --> 00:23:37,795 Okay. How do you know? 494 00:23:37,795 --> 00:23:40,129 I need to prove Errich's dead, 495 00:23:40,129 --> 00:23:43,670 so I want to ship a dead body from China, 496 00:23:43,670 --> 00:23:47,296 but it's hard to find a white body in China, 497 00:23:47,296 --> 00:23:49,795 especially fat like Errich, 498 00:23:49,795 --> 00:23:53,837 so I buy a fat, white cadaver 499 00:23:53,837 --> 00:23:55,837 from Cincinnati medical school. 500 00:23:55,837 --> 00:23:59,920 But to ship to China, then switch box, 501 00:23:59,920 --> 00:24:02,837 then ship back, it's way too much money. 502 00:24:04,879 --> 00:24:06,004 Say that again. 503 00:24:06,004 --> 00:24:08,837 Like, not one word of that made sense. 504 00:24:09,754 --> 00:24:12,879 Hold on. Just-- ju-- what-- uh... 505 00:24:12,879 --> 00:24:16,837 does anyone-- does anyone know the price of a Domino's pizza? 506 00:24:16,837 --> 00:24:18,338 A large, 10 bucks. 507 00:24:18,338 --> 00:24:21,504 Okay, well, Sliceline sells theirs for nine. 508 00:24:21,504 --> 00:24:26,087 So? (emphatically) So, we're not fucked yet. 509 00:24:26,087 --> 00:24:27,212 ♪ ♪ 510 00:24:27,212 --> 00:24:29,837 That was kinda crazy, Richard. That was-- 511 00:24:29,837 --> 00:24:33,171 (laughs) I mean, you threw a full-on tantrum. 512 00:24:33,171 --> 00:24:34,879 I know, I know. I am so sorry. 513 00:24:34,879 --> 00:24:38,296 It's just-- I guess I'm just a CEO trying to do right by my company. 514 00:24:38,296 --> 00:24:40,254 Like you guys. (phone beeps) 515 00:24:40,254 --> 00:24:42,588 Speaking of business, wow, we're having a hell of a night. 516 00:24:42,588 --> 00:24:43,795 Yeah, well, I would know. 517 00:24:43,795 --> 00:24:47,212 About 500 of those orders tonight are me. 518 00:24:47,212 --> 00:24:49,670 Oh. Richard, you really didn't have to do that. 519 00:24:49,670 --> 00:24:52,670 But the peace offering is super appreciated. 520 00:24:52,670 --> 00:24:56,004 Yeah, well, I wouldn't really call it a peace offering. 521 00:24:56,004 --> 00:24:59,212 You see, Duncan, you took eight mil in funding, right? 522 00:24:59,212 --> 00:25:04,046 And then you matched my offer to acquire Optimoji here from Kira, 523 00:25:04,046 --> 00:25:06,837 but the thing is, you can't sell your pizzas 524 00:25:06,837 --> 00:25:09,712 for nine bucks a pop without taking a bath, can you? 525 00:25:09,712 --> 00:25:13,254 The reboxing, the double delivery, ugh. 526 00:25:13,254 --> 00:25:15,754 You lose, what, four bucks an order? 527 00:25:15,754 --> 00:25:18,670 (chuckles) Five, actually. 528 00:25:18,670 --> 00:25:21,129 We're losing five bucks a pizza? Yeah. 529 00:25:21,129 --> 00:25:23,629 Only temporarily. So, her team is gonna optimize 530 00:25:23,629 --> 00:25:27,087 our order routing and allocation, and then we'll be cash-flow positive. 531 00:25:27,087 --> 00:25:28,588 We can easily turn it around 532 00:25:28,588 --> 00:25:30,087 before we run out of money. Right. 533 00:25:30,087 --> 00:25:32,504 Yeah. Unless a lot of people 534 00:25:32,504 --> 00:25:34,754 buy your pizza very quickly. 535 00:25:34,754 --> 00:25:37,129 (phone beeps, whooshes) 536 00:25:37,129 --> 00:25:38,379 What are-- what are you doing? 537 00:25:38,379 --> 00:25:40,920 Well, Duncan, I can be a dickhead too. 538 00:25:40,920 --> 00:25:43,712 You see, I have $13 million in my bank account 539 00:25:43,712 --> 00:25:49,046 and a very low payroll, which affords me to buy a lot of tasty 'za 540 00:25:49,046 --> 00:25:51,795 before you can turn it around. 541 00:25:52,670 --> 00:25:53,962 You're trying to bankrupt us? 542 00:25:53,962 --> 00:25:56,879 No, Kira. I'm simply trying to devalue your company, 543 00:25:56,879 --> 00:25:59,712 so that I can make a low-ball acquisition offer 544 00:25:59,712 --> 00:26:01,046 which you cannot refuse. 545 00:26:01,046 --> 00:26:03,588 Richard, I'm just gonna delete your account. 546 00:26:03,588 --> 00:26:05,795 You see, my engineers already thought of that, 547 00:26:05,795 --> 00:26:07,837 and they worked up a little botnet program. 548 00:26:07,837 --> 00:26:11,129 Thousands of fake users indistinguishable from real ones 549 00:26:11,129 --> 00:26:13,837 geolocated perfectly to maximize drive time 550 00:26:13,837 --> 00:26:17,463 and bleed your little greasebag operation dry. 551 00:26:17,463 --> 00:26:19,504 You know, I may not have that many coders, 552 00:26:19,504 --> 00:26:22,254 but the ones I do are stallions, 553 00:26:22,254 --> 00:26:25,629 each one more magnificent than the last. 554 00:26:25,629 --> 00:26:29,087 ♪ ♪ 555 00:26:29,087 --> 00:26:32,504 Monica: You spent $19,000 on pizza? 556 00:26:32,504 --> 00:26:35,212 No, $19,000 on vengeance. 557 00:26:35,212 --> 00:26:38,712 You're acquiring Sliceline who already acquired Optimoji? 558 00:26:38,712 --> 00:26:42,087 Richard, you're talking about absorbing a staff of 50. 559 00:26:42,087 --> 00:26:43,629 How are you gonna spin this to Laurie? 560 00:26:43,629 --> 00:26:45,338 Well, you said you'd protect me from Laurie. 561 00:26:45,338 --> 00:26:47,546 I mean, she's your partner. Are you afraid of her? 562 00:26:47,546 --> 00:26:49,046 Of course I'm afraid of her. 563 00:26:49,046 --> 00:26:50,837 The woman got pregnant just to prove to me 564 00:26:50,837 --> 00:26:53,087 that she could do it without missing a day of work. 565 00:26:53,087 --> 00:26:55,546 Okay, fair enough, but maybe this one time you could take my side. 566 00:26:55,546 --> 00:26:57,754 I cannot take your side. You're asking for 50 employees. 567 00:26:57,754 --> 00:26:59,962 Think of the-- Sorry I am late. 568 00:26:59,962 --> 00:27:02,379 Hey, Laurie. Did you, uh-- 569 00:27:02,379 --> 00:27:05,463 Induce? Yes, this morning... 570 00:27:05,463 --> 00:27:06,670 and here I am. 571 00:27:08,004 --> 00:27:09,546 So, Richard, 572 00:27:09,546 --> 00:27:11,004 I received your email. 573 00:27:11,004 --> 00:27:15,879 I understand you wish to acquire a company called... Sliceline, 574 00:27:15,879 --> 00:27:19,754 which themselves recently acquired a company called Optimoji. 575 00:27:19,754 --> 00:27:23,212 Yes, and I will be firing both companies' CEOs 576 00:27:23,212 --> 00:27:27,879 and taking on a total engineering team of about, uh, 50. 577 00:27:27,879 --> 00:27:29,046 Fifty? 578 00:27:30,212 --> 00:27:33,712 Monica, you are okay with this? 579 00:27:33,712 --> 00:27:37,546 Well, it shortens their runway significantly, 580 00:27:37,546 --> 00:27:40,046 but you did say that you want them to grow, Laurie. 581 00:27:40,046 --> 00:27:43,046 Yes, but in this case it seems... 582 00:27:43,046 --> 00:27:45,504 (sighs) reckless. 583 00:27:45,504 --> 00:27:48,546 However, if you are on top of it, 584 00:27:48,546 --> 00:27:50,171 Monica, then... 585 00:27:50,171 --> 00:27:51,837 (pen scratches) 586 00:27:51,837 --> 00:27:53,254 ...approved. 587 00:27:53,254 --> 00:27:54,712 Congratulations. 588 00:27:54,712 --> 00:27:58,296 Great. Thanks. And congratulations to you too. 589 00:27:59,463 --> 00:28:00,463 On? 590 00:28:01,712 --> 00:28:04,087 On the-- on your-- on your baby. 591 00:28:04,087 --> 00:28:05,087 Oh. 592 00:28:06,254 --> 00:28:11,338 ♪ ♪ 593 00:28:11,338 --> 00:28:14,421 This is awesome. Gavin is essentially doubling-down 594 00:28:14,421 --> 00:28:16,421 on the very thing we are destroying. 595 00:28:16,421 --> 00:28:17,754 It's like he's giving up. 596 00:28:17,754 --> 00:28:19,795 Maybe I should've ordered the nicer Tesla. 597 00:28:19,795 --> 00:28:23,046 (people chattering) 598 00:28:23,046 --> 00:28:24,212 Dinesh: Ah. 599 00:28:24,212 --> 00:28:26,629 Oh gosh. Everyone's here. 600 00:28:26,629 --> 00:28:28,421 Jared: Richard. So many people. 601 00:28:28,421 --> 00:28:29,421 Richard. 602 00:28:30,421 --> 00:28:32,670 Hey. Hey. 603 00:28:32,670 --> 00:28:35,463 I thought you'd want to give some opening remarks, 604 00:28:35,463 --> 00:28:37,171 you know, it being the first day and all, 605 00:28:37,171 --> 00:28:38,629 just to set the tone. 606 00:28:40,087 --> 00:28:42,629 Ladies and gentlemen, Richard Hendricks! 607 00:28:42,629 --> 00:28:43,920 (applause) 608 00:28:48,254 --> 00:28:49,629 (panicked breathing) 609 00:28:51,712 --> 00:28:53,504 (gulps) Um... 610 00:28:53,504 --> 00:28:55,588 (gulps) Um... 611 00:28:55,588 --> 00:28:58,421 (stammers) Well, it's great to have everybody 612 00:28:58,421 --> 00:29:02,629 and... so many... f-- faces. 613 00:29:03,879 --> 00:29:08,421 We've got a lot of... men and women here. 614 00:29:09,962 --> 00:29:10,962 And... 615 00:29:10,962 --> 00:29:12,254 (gulping) 616 00:29:13,670 --> 00:29:14,920 we should remember that. 617 00:29:17,379 --> 00:29:19,463 So, let's keep it clean. 618 00:29:19,463 --> 00:29:21,712 (gulps) Um... 619 00:29:21,712 --> 00:29:24,171 it's always a challenge... 620 00:29:24,171 --> 00:29:26,171 (gulps) to get it-- 621 00:29:26,171 --> 00:29:29,629 I've got-- I should probably-- more to say in a minute. 622 00:29:29,629 --> 00:29:31,837 I just have to go, one-- one second, in my office... 623 00:29:31,837 --> 00:29:35,670 (gulps) and then we'll conclude. 624 00:29:35,670 --> 00:29:38,962 Uh, he just needs a second in his office, then he's gonna come back. 625 00:29:43,504 --> 00:29:44,920 Oh God. 626 00:29:44,920 --> 00:29:47,546 Don't tell anyone, okay? (spits) 627 00:29:47,546 --> 00:29:50,837 Um, Richard, I know-- I know money's tight, 628 00:29:50,837 --> 00:29:54,171 but I think I might invest in a modesty panel for your desk. 629 00:29:54,171 --> 00:29:55,338 Richard: What? 630 00:29:56,712 --> 00:30:00,754 ("The Monkey" plays) 631 00:30:00,754 --> 00:30:03,504 (gags, retches) 632 00:30:08,712 --> 00:30:10,670 ♪ Yeah ♪ 633 00:30:12,504 --> 00:30:16,212 ♪ The monkey speaks his mind ♪ 634 00:30:18,712 --> 00:30:24,712 ♪ Now, three monkeys sat in a coconut tree ♪ 635 00:30:24,712 --> 00:30:28,754 ♪ Discussing things as they are said to be ♪ 636 00:30:28,754 --> 00:30:33,046 ♪ Said one to other, Now listen, you two ♪ 637 00:30:33,046 --> 00:30:37,670 ♪ There's a certain rumor that can't be true ♪ 638 00:30:37,670 --> 00:30:42,046 ♪ That man descended our noble race ♪ 639 00:30:42,046 --> 00:30:43,920 ♪ Why, the very idea ♪ 640 00:30:43,920 --> 00:30:46,296 ♪ Is a big disgrace ♪ 641 00:30:48,171 --> 00:30:49,754 ♪ And here's another thing ♪ 642 00:30:49,754 --> 00:30:53,087 ♪ You will never see ♪ 643 00:30:53,087 --> 00:30:54,962 ♪ A monkey building a fence ♪ 644 00:30:54,962 --> 00:30:57,087 ♪ Around a coconut tree ♪ 645 00:30:58,004 --> 00:30:59,879 ♪ And let the coconuts ♪ 646 00:30:59,879 --> 00:31:01,920 ♪ Go to waste ♪ 647 00:31:01,920 --> 00:31:04,254 ♪ Forbidding all the monkeys ♪ 648 00:31:04,254 --> 00:31:06,212 ♪ To come and taste ♪ 649 00:31:14,879 --> 00:31:16,754 You have petitioned to become the sole executor 650 00:31:16,754 --> 00:31:18,588 of the estate of Erlich Bachman. 651 00:31:18,588 --> 00:31:20,212 Erlich Bachman is dead. 652 00:31:20,212 --> 00:31:21,046 JUDGE: Oh! 653 00:31:22,795 --> 00:31:25,504 RICHARD HENDRICKS: The Optimoji guys and the Sliceline guys, 654 00:31:25,504 --> 00:31:27,296 they are united against me. 655 00:31:27,629 --> 00:31:31,129 Good news. I'm hearing that Pied Piper is in freefall. 656 00:31:31,338 --> 00:31:33,463 If I have to build my entire new internet by myself, 657 00:31:33,463 --> 00:31:34,296 I'll do that. 658 00:31:34,629 --> 00:31:37,546 You have been in a coma for four years. 659 00:31:37,546 --> 00:31:38,920 -What? -In fact, 660 00:31:39,379 --> 00:31:40,296 I'm a robot. 661 00:31:40,504 --> 00:31:41,629 I'm just joking around! 662 00:31:41,629 --> 00:31:43,046 What, did you sell your sense of humor? 663 00:31:43,046 --> 00:31:44,588 -(LAUGHS) Come on! -(CHUCKLES) No.