1 00:00:08,133 --> 00:00:09,903 Thanks for coming in and sitting down with us. 2 00:00:09,927 --> 00:00:13,764 We're really excited to meet a few good engineers to join the pied Piper team. 3 00:00:13,847 --> 00:00:16,600 So, why don't you tell us a little about yourself? 4 00:00:16,725 --> 00:00:18,727 I don't work before noon. 5 00:00:19,937 --> 00:00:21,813 Or after 2:00 pm. 6 00:00:21,897 --> 00:00:25,234 And I need to bring my dog to work. Are you dog-friendly? 7 00:00:25,359 --> 00:00:27,027 Oh, yeah, you can bring your dog to work. 8 00:00:27,110 --> 00:00:29,947 That's not what I asked. Are you dog-friendly? 9 00:00:33,325 --> 00:00:36,370 Nice pool. Can my dog go in? 10 00:00:36,453 --> 00:00:38,705 Yeah, yeah, we're very dog-friendly. 11 00:00:39,122 --> 00:00:40,541 Is there a lifeguard? 12 00:00:42,125 --> 00:00:43,544 'Cause my dog can't swim. 13 00:00:43,627 --> 00:00:49,800 Now, it says here on your resume that from 2010 to 2011, you "crushed it"? 14 00:00:49,925 --> 00:00:50,944 That's actually an old resume. 15 00:00:50,968 --> 00:00:55,180 It should also read that I crushed it from 2013 to present. 16 00:00:55,264 --> 00:00:58,850 So, are we to understand that you did not "crush it" in 2012? 17 00:00:58,934 --> 00:01:02,729 There was a medical situation preventing me from crushing it to my usual standards. 18 00:01:02,813 --> 00:01:07,192 So, I had to take some time off until I was able to crush it at 100%, 19 00:01:07,276 --> 00:01:10,404 at which point I resumed crushing it full-time. 20 00:01:10,946 --> 00:01:14,032 So, it says here that you're proficient in c++, 21 00:01:14,116 --> 00:01:17,995 code assembly for multiple processor architectures, 22 00:01:18,078 --> 00:01:20,455 and that you are a cyborg? 23 00:01:20,664 --> 00:01:23,750 That is correct. Short for cybernetic organism. 24 00:01:24,668 --> 00:01:28,213 I came into this world of filth and pain with a congenital heart condition, 25 00:01:28,297 --> 00:01:33,510 requiring the installation of a pacemaker, upon which I am mortally dependent. 26 00:01:34,386 --> 00:01:35,387 Richard: Mmm. 27 00:01:36,054 --> 00:01:38,932 Wow. He's technically a cyborg. 28 00:01:39,016 --> 00:01:42,019 Yeah, yeah. Makes the resume accurate. 29 00:01:42,644 --> 00:01:46,273 Look, we all know that I can make a shitload more money 30 00:01:46,356 --> 00:01:50,694 working for some multi-colored happy town in a hermetically-sealed box. 31 00:01:51,403 --> 00:01:52,946 But permission to be honest? 32 00:01:53,739 --> 00:01:54,865 Permission granted. 33 00:01:59,119 --> 00:02:00,203 Granted. 34 00:02:00,537 --> 00:02:03,290 I like that you guys are so weird. 35 00:02:03,498 --> 00:02:04,541 Hmm. 36 00:02:05,584 --> 00:02:07,878 Yes, we are the weird ones. 37 00:02:08,503 --> 00:02:10,547 (Theme music playing) 38 00:02:19,097 --> 00:02:22,809 This morning, you put your soda cans in the green one. 39 00:02:22,893 --> 00:02:24,811 Okay? That's not right. 40 00:02:25,187 --> 00:02:28,523 The green is for grass and leaves. 41 00:02:28,899 --> 00:02:30,233 Okay? 42 00:02:30,317 --> 00:02:32,235 The blue one is for recycling. 43 00:02:33,695 --> 00:02:36,198 Go ahead and put those in there. 44 00:02:36,281 --> 00:02:37,532 Yeah. 45 00:02:38,325 --> 00:02:42,454 Very good. The black one is for all other trash. 46 00:02:43,497 --> 00:02:45,123 Do you understand? 47 00:02:45,207 --> 00:02:47,751 Yes. Which is for burning? 48 00:02:48,418 --> 00:02:52,923 No, we don't burn trash in this country. It's illegal. 49 00:02:53,131 --> 00:02:54,758 You never burn trash. 50 00:02:54,925 --> 00:02:58,261 Okay, can you say that? "I never burn trash." 51 00:02:58,345 --> 00:03:01,264 - I never burn trash. - Yes. 52 00:03:01,348 --> 00:03:03,100 What about garbage? 53 00:03:03,934 --> 00:03:04,935 (Door opens) 54 00:03:05,143 --> 00:03:06,186 (Door closes) 55 00:03:06,269 --> 00:03:07,437 Motherfucker. 56 00:03:09,856 --> 00:03:11,775 Jared patakian? 57 00:03:12,734 --> 00:03:13,735 (Sighs) 58 00:03:13,819 --> 00:03:18,365 You know, this patakian guy is definitely on some end of some spectrum, 59 00:03:18,490 --> 00:03:20,909 but he is a full-stack engineer. 60 00:03:20,992 --> 00:03:22,786 I mean, I'm sold. Jared, what do you think? 61 00:03:22,911 --> 00:03:25,914 Well, he's qualified and he definitely seemed interested. 62 00:03:25,997 --> 00:03:27,541 It's a programmer's market right now. 63 00:03:27,624 --> 00:03:30,460 I think if we like him, we should pursue him aggressively. 64 00:03:30,627 --> 00:03:34,881 My only concern here, and it's a small one, um, he's also named Jared. 65 00:03:34,965 --> 00:03:37,217 Will it be confusing with two jareds? 66 00:03:37,300 --> 00:03:39,928 If we hire him, I can always go back to my real name, Donald. 67 00:03:40,053 --> 00:03:42,723 No, that's too big a hassle. We'll just go with other Jared. 68 00:03:42,806 --> 00:03:44,099 Oj, for short. 69 00:03:44,933 --> 00:03:47,286 I know a name is just a sound somebody makes when they need you, 70 00:03:47,310 --> 00:03:50,772 but shouldn't this much-newer Jared be other Jared? 71 00:03:50,856 --> 00:03:51,857 You should be flattered. 72 00:03:51,940 --> 00:03:54,985 Oj. Simpson is one of the most recognizable people on the face of the planet. 73 00:03:56,570 --> 00:03:59,614 Was that Jared patakian I saw exiting the house? 74 00:03:59,698 --> 00:04:02,492 Yes, we just interviewed him. We think he's great. 75 00:04:02,659 --> 00:04:05,912 He actually is great. I tried to hire him for aviato. 76 00:04:05,996 --> 00:04:08,540 But then he took the offer, shopped it around town, 77 00:04:08,623 --> 00:04:10,250 and got more dough at a different gig. 78 00:04:10,333 --> 00:04:12,103 I didn't care for the way that he handled it. 79 00:04:12,127 --> 00:04:16,631 So, I am going to have to err on the side of caution and say, "pass-adena," 80 00:04:16,715 --> 00:04:17,883 thna. 81 00:04:19,009 --> 00:04:24,681 Well, I'm sorry that that happened to you, but you don't get to pass-adena on anyone. 82 00:04:24,765 --> 00:04:27,934 We've got to hire a lot of people, and he was the only one that we all agree on. 83 00:04:28,018 --> 00:04:31,104 But this is my house. I'm on the board of this company. 84 00:04:31,188 --> 00:04:33,774 I mean, I must get dings, right? 85 00:04:33,857 --> 00:04:36,526 - Dings? - Like in a jury or whose line is itanyway? 86 00:04:36,610 --> 00:04:40,113 Erlich, thank you for letting us stay in your house 87 00:04:40,197 --> 00:04:42,908 while we figure out what we need office-wise. Really. 88 00:04:43,241 --> 00:04:45,535 But I'm sorry. You don't get a say in this. 89 00:04:46,620 --> 00:04:48,872 We're going to hire the Android. 90 00:04:49,372 --> 00:04:51,041 Erlich: He's a cyborg, Richard. 91 00:04:51,208 --> 00:04:54,044 The son of a bitch is a goddamned cyborg. 92 00:04:56,838 --> 00:05:00,509 Ladies and gentlemen of the press, distinguished guests. Question. 93 00:05:01,635 --> 00:05:03,303 What is a moonshot? 94 00:05:03,720 --> 00:05:09,309 A moonshot is an idea so big, so bold as to be impossible. 95 00:05:09,392 --> 00:05:10,602 Until it is not. 96 00:05:10,685 --> 00:05:12,145 Magellan circumna viga ting... 97 00:05:12,229 --> 00:05:13,438 (Whispering) There you are. 98 00:05:13,522 --> 00:05:16,233 Oh, sorry, I got lost. But I think I'm supposed to be here... 99 00:05:16,316 --> 00:05:17,317 (Shushing) Come on. 100 00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:22,405 Not so long ago, people called the idea of sending a man to the moon a moonshot. 101 00:05:22,489 --> 00:05:25,617 But we did it, and that is just the beginning. 102 00:05:25,742 --> 00:05:31,081 No idea will be too big for our newest division, hooli x yz. 103 00:05:32,666 --> 00:05:36,044 How long do I have to stay here? 'Cause lunch... 104 00:05:36,127 --> 00:05:37,379 Shh... 105 00:05:37,462 --> 00:05:42,133 And today, I'm pleased to announce that after some negotiations and arm-twisting, 106 00:05:42,217 --> 00:05:45,178 the brilliant professor Davis bannerchek, 107 00:05:45,262 --> 00:05:48,348 a pioneer in robotics and founder of somerville dynamics, 108 00:05:48,431 --> 00:05:51,142 has agreed to head up this new division. 109 00:05:51,268 --> 00:05:53,395 I give you Dr. Bannerchek, 110 00:05:53,478 --> 00:05:57,941 the one and only man fit to be the first head dreamer of hooli x yz. 111 00:06:05,615 --> 00:06:09,202 Also, I give you the one and only man fit to be his co-head dreamer, 112 00:06:09,286 --> 00:06:13,081 our very own Nelson bighetti, othen/vise known around here as baghead. 113 00:06:13,164 --> 00:06:15,166 - Come on up here, baghead. - What? 114 00:06:24,134 --> 00:06:26,553 He also co-founded pied Piper right here at hooli. 115 00:06:30,223 --> 00:06:31,933 I'm not sure I understand. 116 00:06:32,267 --> 00:06:34,686 You are being promoted. 117 00:06:34,769 --> 00:06:39,900 Being named co-head dreamer carries with it a significant pay increase, 118 00:06:39,983 --> 00:06:42,819 greater equity, more favorable vesting schedule. 119 00:06:42,903 --> 00:06:45,906 See, but I really like the job I had. 120 00:06:46,448 --> 00:06:48,575 You know, I was perfectly happy there. 121 00:06:48,658 --> 00:06:54,623 It was kind of the perfect level of involvement for me, I think. 122 00:06:55,165 --> 00:06:59,753 And also, that other guy, bannerchek, he did not really seem to like me very much. 123 00:06:59,920 --> 00:07:03,298 Oh, he does not. And he wanted you to know 124 00:07:03,381 --> 00:07:08,929 that he moved four school-aged children and his elderly mother across the country 125 00:07:09,012 --> 00:07:13,183 in order to run hooli xyz on his own. 126 00:07:13,600 --> 00:07:15,310 He was very clear about that. 127 00:07:15,393 --> 00:07:19,189 And he wanted me to convey that to you. 128 00:07:19,814 --> 00:07:20,941 Have I done that? 129 00:07:21,983 --> 00:07:24,527 Yeah. 80, what is my job exactly? 130 00:07:24,778 --> 00:07:29,282 Well, that's actually... that's up to you. You can do whatever you want. 131 00:07:30,992 --> 00:07:33,536 Okay. See, that's sort of what I do now, though. 132 00:07:33,620 --> 00:07:38,959 But starting today, you can do it in a much more significant way. 133 00:07:40,835 --> 00:07:43,171 So, enjoy your new office. 134 00:07:44,881 --> 00:07:47,801 Wait, this is my office? 135 00:07:48,385 --> 00:07:50,470 Sorry to interrupt. The photographer's here. 136 00:07:50,720 --> 00:07:52,097 Photographer? 137 00:07:52,180 --> 00:07:55,058 From wired magazine, for the profile they're doing on you. 138 00:07:56,017 --> 00:07:57,227 Sorry, who are you? 139 00:07:57,894 --> 00:07:59,437 Your assistant. 140 00:08:02,357 --> 00:08:03,733 What? 141 00:08:05,151 --> 00:08:07,904 Okay, Richard, last interview of the day. 142 00:08:07,988 --> 00:08:10,824 Dinesh, gilfoyle, this is someone you guys recommended I contact, 143 00:08:10,907 --> 00:08:11,907 Carla walton? 144 00:08:11,950 --> 00:08:14,869 Yeah, we hung out with her a bunch at the last sf vid/tech meet-up. 145 00:08:14,953 --> 00:08:16,579 Her code is fucking great. 146 00:08:16,663 --> 00:08:19,249 She was head of engineering at earcast? 147 00:08:19,332 --> 00:08:23,253 She was engineering at earcast. She built that whole system on her own. 148 00:08:23,336 --> 00:08:24,689 You know what else excites me here? 149 00:08:24,713 --> 00:08:28,633 There's a distinct over-representation of men in this company. Look around. 150 00:08:28,925 --> 00:08:32,512 I think it would behoove us to prioritize hiring a woman. 151 00:08:32,595 --> 00:08:33,595 I disagree, oj. 152 00:08:33,638 --> 00:08:36,641 We should hire the best person for the job, period. 153 00:08:36,725 --> 00:08:37,976 And Carla is one of the best. 154 00:08:38,059 --> 00:08:39,436 Right, let me rephrase. 155 00:08:39,519 --> 00:08:41,855 I think having a woman in the company is important, 156 00:08:41,938 --> 00:08:44,607 but hiring someone only because they're a woman is bad. 157 00:08:44,691 --> 00:08:47,110 I would never compromise pied Piper. 158 00:08:47,193 --> 00:08:48,737 Okay, just to be clear, 159 00:08:48,820 --> 00:08:52,323 our top priority is to hire the most qualified person available, right? 160 00:08:52,407 --> 00:08:53,616 Of course. 161 00:08:53,700 --> 00:08:56,786 But it would be better if that someone was a woman 162 00:08:56,870 --> 00:08:59,914 even though the "woman" part of that statement is irrelevant? 163 00:08:59,998 --> 00:09:04,085 Exactly. It's like we're the Beatles and now we just need yoko. 164 00:09:04,169 --> 00:09:06,921 That's the worst example you could have used. 165 00:09:07,255 --> 00:09:12,385 I'm using vp9 abr to reduce bits and using webrtc to carry the bulk of the load via p2p. 166 00:09:12,469 --> 00:09:15,722 So, basically, I pay for one tiny-ass outgoing stream 167 00:09:15,805 --> 00:09:17,485 and the user's isp picks up the whole tab. 168 00:09:18,850 --> 00:09:22,228 The users pay for all that bandwidth, not you? Wow. 169 00:09:22,687 --> 00:09:24,064 That could save us a ton of money. 170 00:09:24,147 --> 00:09:25,690 Yeah, a shit ton. 171 00:09:25,774 --> 00:09:30,528 And do you think you could integrate it into our platform by January in time for ces? 172 00:09:30,612 --> 00:09:31,964 Look, I'm not going to get in your way. 173 00:09:31,988 --> 00:09:34,657 You know, you design the engine. I just assemble the car. 174 00:09:34,783 --> 00:09:37,702 I could have an Alpha of that up in a solid weekend of hacking. 175 00:09:37,786 --> 00:09:39,579 Wow. Cool. 176 00:09:39,662 --> 00:09:41,682 Plus, I could count on one hand the number of people on earth 177 00:09:41,706 --> 00:09:45,126 who could handle sitting in a room with dinesh and gilfoyle all day. So... 178 00:09:45,335 --> 00:09:46,419 All of that. 179 00:09:46,503 --> 00:09:47,921 Plus, you're a woman. 180 00:09:48,713 --> 00:09:49,714 What? 181 00:09:50,548 --> 00:09:54,135 No, I just mean we would absolutely love to have a strong woman working here. 182 00:09:54,260 --> 00:09:58,098 I'm not a woman "engineer." I'm an engineer. 183 00:09:58,264 --> 00:10:00,391 - Don't, don't, don't. - Okay, no, no. 184 00:10:00,475 --> 00:10:02,185 Oh, no, yes, of course. 185 00:10:02,268 --> 00:10:05,355 We want to hire the best people who happen to be women, 186 00:10:05,438 --> 00:10:07,166 regardless of whether or not they are women. 187 00:10:07,190 --> 00:10:08,775 That part is irrelevant. 188 00:10:08,858 --> 00:10:09,960 Are you doing that interviewing thing 189 00:10:09,984 --> 00:10:12,544 where you try to rattle somebody to see if they freak out or not? 190 00:10:12,612 --> 00:10:15,782 Uh, sadly no. This is... that's just Jared. 191 00:10:15,865 --> 00:10:17,617 I wouldn't know how to do that. 192 00:10:17,700 --> 00:10:19,619 Well, I am aggressively unemployed right now. 193 00:10:19,702 --> 00:10:22,413 So, why don't you give me a call when you know what you want to do? 194 00:10:22,497 --> 00:10:23,497 - Great. - All right. 195 00:10:23,540 --> 00:10:25,625 Great. All right, I'll show you out. 196 00:10:25,708 --> 00:10:27,919 Oh, lucky me. 197 00:10:28,044 --> 00:10:30,004 Jared: I loved the girl with the dragon tattoo. 198 00:10:35,426 --> 00:10:37,971 So, she's actually bad-ass. 199 00:10:38,054 --> 00:10:39,374 Dinesh: Yeah, we told you, right? 200 00:10:39,556 --> 00:10:40,676 We have to hire that person. 201 00:10:40,723 --> 00:10:42,225 Erlich: Are you shitting me? 202 00:10:43,685 --> 00:10:45,395 You see this, Richard? What is this? 203 00:10:46,229 --> 00:10:47,230 A spoon? 204 00:10:47,313 --> 00:10:51,901 It's a wide spoon. In fact, the only spoon type that is left in this drawer. 205 00:10:51,985 --> 00:10:52,986 (Clattering) 206 00:10:53,903 --> 00:10:56,781 I specifically posted a note on the refrigerator saying 207 00:10:56,865 --> 00:11:01,744 that the more narrow spoons be reserved for the eating for fage yogurt by me. 208 00:11:01,828 --> 00:11:02,871 Look at this. 209 00:11:04,122 --> 00:11:05,415 The angle's all wrong. 210 00:11:05,498 --> 00:11:07,852 Aren't you supposed to just tip that little plastic cup part up 211 00:11:07,876 --> 00:11:09,252 and dump the jam into the yogurt? 212 00:11:09,419 --> 00:11:12,130 How would you know that? Have you been eating my fage yogurts? 213 00:11:12,213 --> 00:11:13,840 No, I saw it on the billboards. 214 00:11:13,923 --> 00:11:16,342 Well, what they don't tell you on the billboards 215 00:11:16,426 --> 00:11:18,178 is that you can't get all of it out. 216 00:11:18,261 --> 00:11:20,638 Look at that! You have to dig it out. 217 00:11:20,722 --> 00:11:25,435 But you can't dig it out with these big-as-hell, wide fucking spoons. 218 00:11:25,602 --> 00:11:27,937 This isn't about the spoons, is it, erlich? 219 00:11:28,021 --> 00:11:29,898 This is about Jared patakian. 220 00:11:29,981 --> 00:11:33,776 This is about me not letting you tell me who I can or can't hire. 221 00:11:33,860 --> 00:11:37,739 Or maybe it's about the fact that you're the one who's been using my narrow spoons? 222 00:11:37,822 --> 00:11:38,865 Dinesh: Okay. 223 00:11:38,990 --> 00:11:40,926 You and I both have to get ready for a board meeting. 224 00:11:40,950 --> 00:11:42,619 Can we just stop with the nonsense? 225 00:11:42,702 --> 00:11:43,703 - Nonsense? - Yeah. 226 00:11:43,786 --> 00:11:45,788 - This is nonsense? - Yeah. 227 00:11:46,915 --> 00:11:48,875 You know, half the yogurt's gonna go unused 228 00:11:48,958 --> 00:11:51,044 because one quarter of the jam can't come out. 229 00:11:52,795 --> 00:11:55,423 Monica: Thank you for hosting. You have a lovely home. 230 00:11:55,506 --> 00:11:56,507 Yeah, I do. 231 00:11:57,467 --> 00:11:59,302 Erlich: I like this painting. 232 00:11:59,385 --> 00:12:00,428 Is it sperm? 233 00:12:00,511 --> 00:12:02,263 No, three commas. 234 00:12:02,347 --> 00:12:04,027 Know what has three commas in it, Richard? 235 00:12:04,057 --> 00:12:06,726 Uh... a sentence with two appositive phrases in it? 236 00:12:08,061 --> 00:12:09,395 No, a billion dollars. 237 00:12:10,396 --> 00:12:11,756 Yeah, I'm in the three-comma club. 238 00:12:11,814 --> 00:12:14,627 You know, you play your cards right, you could be in the three-comma club, too. 239 00:12:14,651 --> 00:12:17,820 But probably not. But you could be. But probably not. 240 00:12:17,904 --> 00:12:18,905 There she is. 241 00:12:18,988 --> 00:12:21,950 Say hello to tonight's fifth board member, my girlfriend nastia. 242 00:12:22,033 --> 00:12:23,034 Charmed. 243 00:12:23,117 --> 00:12:24,369 -Hel.i.o 244 00:12:24,869 --> 00:12:26,037 hello. 245 00:12:26,663 --> 00:12:27,664 Ah! 246 00:12:28,581 --> 00:12:29,666 You are Jew. 247 00:12:29,749 --> 00:12:31,376 Episcopalian, actually. 248 00:12:31,459 --> 00:12:33,503 Jew, good at business. 249 00:12:33,586 --> 00:12:35,421 Russ: My baby's got some ideas about Jews, 250 00:12:35,797 --> 00:12:38,841 some good, some bad. 251 00:12:39,175 --> 00:12:40,677 -Coolcool -dad? 252 00:12:41,511 --> 00:12:43,513 Russ: Oh! Hey there, buddy. 253 00:12:43,596 --> 00:12:44,597 Monica: Hello. 254 00:12:44,681 --> 00:12:46,766 - Who's this? Another board member? - (Beeping) 255 00:12:46,849 --> 00:12:49,852 (Automated female voice) Aspen, it's time for bed. 256 00:12:50,186 --> 00:12:51,562 I don't want to go to bed. 257 00:12:51,896 --> 00:12:54,440 I'm sorry, buddy. It's not up to me. 258 00:12:54,524 --> 00:12:57,527 - I need you to cooperate, Aspen. - (Beeping) 259 00:12:58,278 --> 00:13:02,615 Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five... 260 00:13:02,699 --> 00:13:03,992 Fine. 261 00:13:04,075 --> 00:13:06,411 Four, three... good boy, Aspen. 262 00:13:06,494 --> 00:13:07,996 What the hell is that? 263 00:13:08,079 --> 00:13:09,747 Company I'm funding. We call it the lady. 264 00:13:09,831 --> 00:13:13,334 I press a button, and the lady tells Aspen when it's time for bed, time to take a bath, 265 00:13:13,418 --> 00:13:14,853 when his fucking mother's here to pick him up. 266 00:13:14,877 --> 00:13:17,505 I get to be his friend and she's the bad guy. 267 00:13:17,588 --> 00:13:20,800 I've disrupted fatherhood. It's visionary technology. 268 00:13:21,926 --> 00:13:23,487 - Okay, come on. Board meeting, bitches. - (Beeping) 269 00:13:23,511 --> 00:13:26,472 Aspen, remember to take your medication. 270 00:13:26,556 --> 00:13:30,727 Hey. Just remember, Russ only has two board seats. 271 00:13:30,810 --> 00:13:33,229 So, as long as we vote together, we can carry every vote. 272 00:13:33,855 --> 00:13:37,400 Yeah, I'm familiar with the rules of a board meeting. 273 00:13:38,484 --> 00:13:39,569 Monica: Okay. 274 00:13:41,404 --> 00:13:45,700 Okay, so, 409a valuation report and new esops. 275 00:13:45,783 --> 00:13:47,994 Is there a motion to approve? 276 00:13:52,040 --> 00:13:54,876 Great, it's unanimous. Approved. 277 00:13:55,001 --> 00:14:00,256 Now we need to clear the equity packages we're offering to a couple prospective hires, 278 00:14:01,132 --> 00:14:03,843 - Carla walton and Jared patakian. - (Groans) 279 00:14:04,177 --> 00:14:05,595 Erlich: Fucking cyborg. 280 00:14:05,678 --> 00:14:09,015 Oh, um, patakian is actually a solid engineer. 281 00:14:09,098 --> 00:14:11,601 We'd be foolish not to hire him. 282 00:14:11,684 --> 00:14:15,521 He's really good. So, all in favor? 283 00:14:17,273 --> 00:14:18,608 Sounds like a good pick-up. 284 00:14:20,193 --> 00:14:22,320 Monica: Okay, four-to-one approved. 285 00:14:23,821 --> 00:14:27,867 All right, is there anything else we need to cover? 286 00:14:27,950 --> 00:14:32,705 Yeah, I think we need to talk about getting some schwag. 287 00:14:33,956 --> 00:14:34,999 What? 288 00:14:35,208 --> 00:14:37,585 - Schwag! - "Sha-waga"? 289 00:14:37,668 --> 00:14:39,128 Schwag! 290 00:14:40,380 --> 00:14:42,340 - What is it? - Schwag. 291 00:14:42,548 --> 00:14:43,925 - Swag? - Russ: Schwag! 292 00:14:44,008 --> 00:14:45,009 What is it? 293 00:14:45,093 --> 00:14:46,094 Schwag. 294 00:14:46,969 --> 00:14:48,179 I actually don't know... 295 00:14:48,262 --> 00:14:51,057 I think we need to build on the success of our outdoor media campaign. 296 00:14:51,140 --> 00:14:54,227 I'm talking pied Piper mouse pads, puzzle cubes, fuckin' antenna balls. 297 00:14:54,310 --> 00:14:58,981 Come on, I'm talking 30 grand. That's like a hand of Blackjack. All in favor? 298 00:15:02,819 --> 00:15:04,529 I mean, first billboards, now this? 299 00:15:04,612 --> 00:15:08,241 I... as it is, we're barely going to make it to January. 300 00:15:08,324 --> 00:15:09,492 Sorry. 301 00:15:14,789 --> 00:15:15,873 What? 302 00:15:15,957 --> 00:15:19,502 I think it's a really solid idea. I think we'd be foolish not to do it. 303 00:15:21,671 --> 00:15:24,048 Cool. So, three-to-two in favor. Schwag! 304 00:15:24,132 --> 00:15:27,069 I'll set you guys up with my marketing company. We'll give you a killer rate. 305 00:15:27,093 --> 00:15:29,387 Question, who likes margaritas? 306 00:15:29,470 --> 00:15:31,347 Answer, everybody! 307 00:15:31,431 --> 00:15:33,791 Babe, go out back, grab some limes from the tree, all right? 308 00:15:34,475 --> 00:15:36,644 Who likes schwag? This guy, this guy. 309 00:15:36,727 --> 00:15:38,855 (Singing) We gonna get our schwag on! 310 00:15:40,189 --> 00:15:44,527 What the fuck are you doing? You just cost us $30,000. 311 00:15:44,610 --> 00:15:47,280 I thought we agreed to present a unified front here. 312 00:15:47,363 --> 00:15:49,782 Well, if Richard wants a unified front, 313 00:15:49,866 --> 00:15:53,119 then maybe Richard should do a betterjob at unifying it. 314 00:15:53,202 --> 00:15:54,620 Why are you such a dick? 315 00:15:54,704 --> 00:15:57,748 Why are you unable to listen to people who know what they're talking about? 316 00:15:57,832 --> 00:16:00,835 Speaking of Mexico, I'm supposed to go to cabo tomorrow, 317 00:16:00,918 --> 00:16:02,604 but I got roped into buying these two tickets 318 00:16:02,628 --> 00:16:05,631 to the muir woods preservation thing tomorrow night. 319 00:16:05,715 --> 00:16:08,468 Sean Parker's charity? That's a big event. 320 00:16:08,551 --> 00:16:11,637 Gonna be a lot of members of the three-comma club there. Am I right? 321 00:16:11,721 --> 00:16:14,182 Total asshole parade. Anyone want these stupid things? 322 00:16:14,265 --> 00:16:16,142 Yeah, I'm down. 323 00:16:16,726 --> 00:16:20,771 Uh, and, Richard, no, you can't come. 324 00:16:20,855 --> 00:16:22,190 - But, Monica... - No. 325 00:16:22,273 --> 00:16:23,274 Nastia: Okay. 326 00:16:23,357 --> 00:16:26,360 Hey, babe. Babe, isaid limes. Limes. 327 00:16:27,570 --> 00:16:30,198 (Laughing) She's honestly so fucking stupid. 328 00:16:33,910 --> 00:16:35,119 Yeah. 329 00:16:35,203 --> 00:16:37,083 She doesn't even know what I'm saying right now. 330 00:16:39,081 --> 00:16:43,753 And until we get real office space, I guess we could just put you right here. 331 00:16:43,836 --> 00:16:45,630 And we could put patakian here. 332 00:16:45,713 --> 00:16:47,924 I hope you don't mind sitting next to a cyborg. 333 00:16:48,007 --> 00:16:49,759 Does he fart a lot and smell like onions? 334 00:16:49,842 --> 00:16:51,135 Well, he is a coder. 335 00:16:51,219 --> 00:16:54,889 Well, I'd say I'm not getting paid enough to deal with this crap, but I so am, so... 336 00:16:57,099 --> 00:16:59,995 You know, if it's cool, I'm going to get some stuff out of my car to dump here. 337 00:17:00,019 --> 00:17:03,415 I know I don't start till Monday, but I want to get it cleaned out before I trade it in. 338 00:17:03,439 --> 00:17:04,524 You're getting a new car? 339 00:17:04,607 --> 00:17:07,151 Yeah, yeah. Mercedes hybrid. 340 00:17:08,277 --> 00:17:10,363 - It's pretty dope. - That sounds expensive. 341 00:17:10,446 --> 00:17:11,739 - Guys? - It is. 342 00:17:11,989 --> 00:17:14,450 Richard has something very important to tell you. 343 00:17:14,784 --> 00:17:16,118 Richard: Yes. (Clears throat) 344 00:17:17,078 --> 00:17:19,830 So, Jared has informed me that as ceo, 345 00:17:19,914 --> 00:17:21,892 I need to be able to answer any questions that you might have 346 00:17:21,916 --> 00:17:25,628 about pied Piper's harassment policy and workplace code of conduct. 347 00:17:25,711 --> 00:17:28,881 Apparently, every company our size has to have one of those. 348 00:17:28,965 --> 00:17:32,385 So, essentially, if you find the workplace hostile in any way, 349 00:17:32,468 --> 00:17:35,388 you can submit a written complaint. It will be completely anonymous. 350 00:17:35,471 --> 00:17:38,641 Essentially, don't do or say anything that might offend anyone. 351 00:17:38,724 --> 00:17:40,893 Okay? Thank you. That's the policy. 352 00:17:40,977 --> 00:17:42,812 - Okay. - Guys, um, 353 00:17:43,813 --> 00:17:45,690 this is actually pretty serious. 354 00:17:45,773 --> 00:17:48,568 I mean, we're all cool here, but we know each other. 355 00:17:48,651 --> 00:17:52,321 So, obviously, when dinesh calls me retarded Frankenstein, 356 00:17:52,405 --> 00:17:54,574 or he describes me as aids lady, 357 00:17:54,657 --> 00:17:57,577 or gilfoyle refers to me as effeminate k.D. Lang, 358 00:17:57,660 --> 00:17:59,912 I know this is a joke among friends. 359 00:17:59,996 --> 00:18:01,747 - It's not a joke. - We're not friends. 360 00:18:01,831 --> 00:18:03,833 (Chuckling) See, it's hilarious. 361 00:18:04,166 --> 00:18:06,919 But, um, as we grow, 362 00:18:07,003 --> 00:18:10,256 we're going to be adding a lot of new people to this company and to this office, 363 00:18:10,339 --> 00:18:14,427 and some of them might not be as amused as I am by such strong language. 364 00:18:14,510 --> 00:18:17,096 Lawsuits happen. So, questions? 365 00:18:17,680 --> 00:18:19,682 - Oh, uh, I have a question. - Jared: Mmm-hmm. 366 00:18:19,765 --> 00:18:21,767 My best friend's nickname is cunty. 367 00:18:21,851 --> 00:18:24,103 - I'm sorry, her name is... - Cunty. 368 00:18:24,186 --> 00:18:26,355 And I was hoping I could call her cunty while I'm here. 369 00:18:26,439 --> 00:18:28,441 Okay, that one's easy. No, you cannot. 370 00:18:28,524 --> 00:18:30,961 'Cause, you know, I want to have cunty come visit me for lunch, 371 00:18:30,985 --> 00:18:32,945 and if I can't call cunty "cunty," 372 00:18:33,029 --> 00:18:36,073 then it's like, I'm not going to want to have cunty over at all, 373 00:18:36,616 --> 00:18:38,909 which I feel, like, kind of violates my rights. 374 00:18:38,993 --> 00:18:40,953 Yeah. Um, it does not... 375 00:18:41,037 --> 00:18:42,038 As a woman. 376 00:18:46,208 --> 00:18:48,186 Okay, I'm going to have to get back to you on that one. 377 00:18:48,210 --> 00:18:49,650 Her best friend's nickname is cunty. 378 00:18:49,712 --> 00:18:51,148 - Okay. - Let's maybe get back to the kitchen 379 00:18:51,172 --> 00:18:53,466 - so we can... - Okay, okay, okay. 380 00:18:54,967 --> 00:18:58,137 All right, I'm going to go clean out my shit box. 381 00:18:59,055 --> 00:19:00,097 Nice bag. 382 00:19:00,181 --> 00:19:01,265 Thank you. 383 00:19:02,183 --> 00:19:05,770 Oh, look, d&g. It's like dinesh & gilfoyle. So, yeah. 384 00:19:09,649 --> 00:19:13,319 Okay, that was the third reference she's made to how much money she's making. 385 00:19:13,402 --> 00:19:14,403 Gilfoyle: Mmm. 386 00:19:14,528 --> 00:19:15,738 (Keyboard clacking) 387 00:19:16,656 --> 00:19:18,324 That's a $3,500 bag. 388 00:19:18,407 --> 00:19:20,951 How do you know? You have the same one? 389 00:19:21,035 --> 00:19:23,454 No, I have the fucking Internet. 390 00:19:23,537 --> 00:19:25,766 Hey, you don't think she's making more money than us, do you? 391 00:19:25,790 --> 00:19:28,209 No, we all have equalized pay, remember? 392 00:19:28,292 --> 00:19:32,171 Yeah, me and you and Richard and Jared do, but not new hires. 393 00:19:32,254 --> 00:19:35,132 It's the classic dilemma where the founders make less. 394 00:19:35,216 --> 00:19:37,718 We told Richard to get her no matter what it took. 395 00:19:37,802 --> 00:19:40,513 Even if she is making more cash than us, which she isn't, 396 00:19:40,596 --> 00:19:42,348 there's no way she has as much equity. 397 00:19:42,431 --> 00:19:45,101 You don't know that. And Richard won't tell us. It's confidential. 398 00:19:45,184 --> 00:19:46,464 I guess there's a reason for it. 399 00:19:46,519 --> 00:19:48,639 It's so people don't getjealous and throw a hissy fit. 400 00:19:48,688 --> 00:19:52,650 I'm notjealous. I just want to make sure she's making less than me. 401 00:19:52,733 --> 00:19:54,973 Hey, how do we find out how much she's getting paid here? 402 00:19:55,277 --> 00:19:56,404 I have a plan. 403 00:19:59,532 --> 00:20:03,035 Hey, Carla, how much money do you make here? 404 00:20:04,745 --> 00:20:07,123 Uh, let's just say it's a big jump from my old job. 405 00:20:07,289 --> 00:20:10,835 Right, but you probably got more equity there. 406 00:20:11,627 --> 00:20:13,546 Um, no, actually I get more equity here. 407 00:20:13,629 --> 00:20:14,672 What? 408 00:20:14,755 --> 00:20:16,674 Yeah. Why, what are you guys getting? 409 00:20:16,757 --> 00:20:18,217 Three points each. 410 00:20:18,300 --> 00:20:22,304 Three? That's weird. I thought you got in at the beginning. 411 00:20:27,351 --> 00:20:29,228 I have another plan. 412 00:20:30,104 --> 00:20:32,290 Erlich: All right, jian Yang, don't talk to anybody else. 413 00:20:32,314 --> 00:20:33,858 When we get inside, don't talk to me. 414 00:20:34,525 --> 00:20:36,444 - Good evening. - Here's the... 415 00:20:38,112 --> 00:20:39,739 - Woman: Thank you. - Thank you. 416 00:20:41,907 --> 00:20:42,908 (Device beeps) 417 00:20:44,160 --> 00:20:45,440 And how will you be paying, sir? 418 00:20:46,078 --> 00:20:47,580 - Excuse me? - Your donation. 419 00:20:47,663 --> 00:20:49,263 What's your preferred method of payment? 420 00:20:50,374 --> 00:20:53,127 No, these are already paid for. We're guests of Russ hanneman. 421 00:20:53,335 --> 00:20:56,839 Uh, yes, he reserved the tickets, but you have to pay for them. 422 00:20:57,256 --> 00:20:58,799 Oh. Uh... 423 00:20:58,883 --> 00:21:00,092 Okay. And how much are they? 424 00:21:00,176 --> 00:21:01,302 $25,000. 425 00:21:01,385 --> 00:21:03,220 Um... so... but for both? 426 00:21:03,304 --> 00:21:04,430 No, no, no, per ticket. 427 00:21:04,513 --> 00:21:08,726 There's no possible way that we could pay that, so what do we do here? 428 00:21:08,809 --> 00:21:11,729 Well, there are a number of other ways to help preserve the muir woods. 429 00:21:11,812 --> 00:21:13,732 We do a volunteer clean-up program every weekend. 430 00:21:13,814 --> 00:21:15,417 Yeah, I don't give a shit about the muir woods. 431 00:21:15,441 --> 00:21:17,276 I need to get in there. 432 00:21:17,359 --> 00:21:20,439 Sir, if you can't pay for the tickets, I really don't see how that's possible. 433 00:21:20,488 --> 00:21:22,948 What if we do, like, a little in-and-out thing? 434 00:21:23,032 --> 00:21:27,661 I just go in there, 10 minutes, you know, have one cocktail, two, three Max. 435 00:21:27,745 --> 00:21:29,789 - He doesn't eat. He won't eat. - Yes, I'm hungry. 436 00:21:29,872 --> 00:21:32,476 Gentlemen, I'm going to need you to move aside for the other guests. 437 00:21:32,500 --> 00:21:34,877 You want me to email Russ hanneman right now? 438 00:21:34,960 --> 00:21:36,587 You don't have Russ's email. 439 00:21:36,670 --> 00:21:42,468 But I have his... I have the phone number of the person who works in his office. 440 00:21:43,177 --> 00:21:46,263 Does anybody have an extra ticket? My investor cannot pay. 441 00:21:46,347 --> 00:21:50,309 That's actually not true. Uh... I think they must have misplaced the tickets. 442 00:21:50,392 --> 00:21:52,144 No, we have everyone's tickets here. 443 00:21:52,228 --> 00:21:55,606 Can you please check? Erlich bachman? 444 00:21:55,689 --> 00:21:58,150 E-r-i-c-h... 445 00:21:58,234 --> 00:21:59,711 That's not at all how it's spelled here. 446 00:21:59,735 --> 00:22:00,986 All right. Let's go, jian. 447 00:22:01,070 --> 00:22:02,279 Have a nice night. Thank you. 448 00:22:02,363 --> 00:22:03,882 - Let's go. Come on. Come on. - Woman: Next. 449 00:22:03,906 --> 00:22:05,175 Jian-Yang: Excuse me... Erlich: Come on. Let's go. 450 00:22:05,199 --> 00:22:07,919 - Do you have a ticket? - Erlich: God damn it! Jian Yang, come here! 451 00:22:08,369 --> 00:22:09,649 Jian-Yang: Do you have a ticket? 452 00:22:16,252 --> 00:22:18,462 Hey, jian Yang. How was last night? 453 00:22:18,838 --> 00:22:20,548 It was sad. 454 00:22:20,798 --> 00:22:23,592 Erlich, he promised me dinner with a big meet. 455 00:22:23,676 --> 00:22:24,844 Big meat? 456 00:22:24,927 --> 00:22:27,221 - Big meet people. - Meat people? 457 00:22:27,680 --> 00:22:30,933 Then people say, "no, you can't come in." 458 00:22:31,433 --> 00:22:32,768 Wait, so you guys didn't get in? 459 00:22:32,935 --> 00:22:35,187 We went to taco bell. 460 00:22:35,271 --> 00:22:38,482 Erlich, he started crying in taco bell. 461 00:22:40,150 --> 00:22:42,528 He tried to blame the taco sauce. 462 00:22:44,363 --> 00:22:46,365 Carla: Richard? Richard: Yes. 463 00:22:46,448 --> 00:22:48,868 - Oj says you wanted to see me? - Yeah. 464 00:22:50,369 --> 00:22:53,706 I don't want to say this, any of this, at all, 465 00:22:54,582 --> 00:22:58,544 but several employees have lodged a complaint against you. 466 00:22:58,627 --> 00:22:59,753 For what? 467 00:23:01,463 --> 00:23:03,257 For making this a hostile workplace. 468 00:23:03,340 --> 00:23:06,260 By, quote, "repeatedly rubbing our fucking faces 469 00:23:06,343 --> 00:23:09,889 "in the fact that Richard Hendricks is a pussy who gave a new hire more than us." 470 00:23:09,972 --> 00:23:10,973 Carla: Mmm-hmm. 471 00:23:11,891 --> 00:23:13,225 Interesting. 472 00:23:13,309 --> 00:23:16,061 And which two of the several lodged a complaint? 473 00:23:16,145 --> 00:23:19,648 Actually, our policy guarantees anonymity, so I can't tell you that. 474 00:23:19,773 --> 00:23:22,610 Look, you and I both know how much you make. 475 00:23:22,693 --> 00:23:25,571 - Are you fucking with them? - Yeah, of course I'm fucking with them. 476 00:23:25,654 --> 00:23:28,258 I bought a fake Dolce & Gabbana bag at a swap meet to piss them off 477 00:23:28,282 --> 00:23:29,283 and apparently it did. 478 00:23:29,825 --> 00:23:31,595 And I lied and said I was getting a Mercedes. 479 00:23:31,619 --> 00:23:35,456 I also left a fake credit-card statement open on my screen, because I thought they'd see it. 480 00:23:35,539 --> 00:23:36,600 - Did they see it? - They saw it. 481 00:23:36,624 --> 00:23:37,791 - Yeah, sweet. - Okay. 482 00:23:37,875 --> 00:23:40,085 - Carla. - Okay, all right. 483 00:23:40,169 --> 00:23:43,464 But what I used to do to fuck with them involved gay porn and Photoshop, 484 00:23:43,547 --> 00:23:48,093 so I don't think that would be cool after oj's big harassment speech. 485 00:23:48,636 --> 00:23:51,180 Oh. So, in effect, the policy worked. 486 00:23:51,263 --> 00:23:54,391 Well, I... can we not do any of it? 487 00:23:54,475 --> 00:23:57,728 It just that they're getting really pissed and it's really distracting. 488 00:23:58,270 --> 00:23:59,605 All right. 489 00:24:00,105 --> 00:24:03,275 - No more cunty. - Terrific. 490 00:24:03,359 --> 00:24:04,944 - That's really good. - Cunty's done. 491 00:24:05,027 --> 00:24:08,739 Great. But you said it again, but maybe that's the last time. 492 00:24:09,907 --> 00:24:11,784 Cunty's done. I'm gonna call you oj, though. 493 00:24:11,867 --> 00:24:13,053 - Yeah, that's fine. - That's for good. 494 00:24:13,077 --> 00:24:14,536 Yeah, yeah, because in my head, 495 00:24:14,620 --> 00:24:18,123 I change the meaning from "other Jared" to "original Jared," so now it's a compliment. 496 00:24:18,457 --> 00:24:23,337 Erlich: Ifl have to, I'm going to keep my fucking star blazervhs tapes in my room! 497 00:24:23,420 --> 00:24:26,799 It doesn't take an IQ-9 to know they should remain alphabetized. 498 00:24:26,882 --> 00:24:31,595 I want to watch a specific episode. And it's not like they're on fucking DVD! 499 00:24:40,938 --> 00:24:41,939 (Sighs) 500 00:24:46,568 --> 00:24:51,490 Hey, um, erlich, I just want to say this is your house 501 00:24:51,573 --> 00:24:54,213 and you've been really cool letting us stay here for all this time, 502 00:24:54,243 --> 00:24:56,912 and as soon as we get our office space, we'll be out of your way. 503 00:24:57,913 --> 00:25:00,124 And how soon is that going to be? 504 00:25:00,791 --> 00:25:01,917 Soon. 505 00:25:02,209 --> 00:25:05,838 And look, I realize it's not fair that I bring someone into your house 506 00:25:05,921 --> 00:25:07,131 that you don't want here, 507 00:25:08,215 --> 00:25:11,510 so I will call the cyborg and I will rescind the offer. 508 00:25:11,593 --> 00:25:15,973 You know, Richard, I've been thinking, the cyborg is a solid coder. 509 00:25:16,056 --> 00:25:17,224 You should hire him. 510 00:25:17,307 --> 00:25:19,018 It's fine, I'll get someone else. 511 00:25:19,101 --> 00:25:20,436 Don't be stupid, Richard. 512 00:25:20,519 --> 00:25:23,731 You need a full working beta up in the next few months. Just hire the guy. 513 00:25:23,814 --> 00:25:27,109 I'm not being stupid, okay? I'm not going to hire him. 514 00:25:27,192 --> 00:25:29,862 And frankly, I'm not going to let you bully me into doing it. 515 00:25:29,945 --> 00:25:32,257 Would you look at yourself? You're still not fucking listening to me. 516 00:25:32,281 --> 00:25:34,199 No, I'm trying to respect you, asshole. 517 00:25:34,283 --> 00:25:36,702 If you want to respect me, then just hire the piece of shit. 518 00:25:36,785 --> 00:25:37,786 Don't act like a moron. 519 00:25:37,870 --> 00:25:41,081 You're not going to kick nucleus's ass acting like a fucking moron. 520 00:25:41,165 --> 00:25:43,625 You don't get to tell me how I respect you, okay? 521 00:25:43,709 --> 00:25:46,545 I can respect you however the fuck I want. 522 00:25:49,173 --> 00:25:50,215 What are you doing? 523 00:25:50,299 --> 00:25:52,009 I'm respecting you. 524 00:25:55,804 --> 00:25:56,805 (Clears throat) 525 00:25:56,889 --> 00:26:00,100 Jared, hey, it's, uh, Richard Hendricks from pied Piper. 526 00:26:01,143 --> 00:26:04,021 Yeah, bad news. We're not gonna... 527 00:26:05,981 --> 00:26:07,066 What? 528 00:26:08,484 --> 00:26:09,902 What's that? 529 00:26:11,570 --> 00:26:12,738 Where? 530 00:26:15,657 --> 00:26:16,867 Okay. 531 00:26:16,950 --> 00:26:21,580 Well, cyborg, fuck you, you fuckin'... 532 00:26:21,663 --> 00:26:24,458 - Metal-dick piece of shit. - Metal-dick piece of shit. 533 00:26:26,502 --> 00:26:27,503 Ha-ha-ha. 534 00:26:27,586 --> 00:26:28,587 What happened? 535 00:26:29,338 --> 00:26:31,256 He took another job 536 00:26:32,508 --> 00:26:34,259 from Russ fucking hanneman. 537 00:26:34,510 --> 00:26:35,886 - What? - Yeah. 538 00:26:35,969 --> 00:26:39,389 Apparently, I said so much nice shit about him in the board meeting, 539 00:26:39,473 --> 00:26:43,352 Russ offered him a job at one of his other fucking companies for a lot more money. 540 00:26:43,435 --> 00:26:45,479 Our own investor poached him. 541 00:26:45,729 --> 00:26:49,024 And he went? Fucking cyborg. 542 00:26:49,817 --> 00:26:52,027 Dinesh: Richard! You need to come see this. 543 00:27:03,205 --> 00:27:05,332 What event could this possibly be used at? 544 00:27:08,043 --> 00:27:09,545 Are you happy? 545 00:27:10,379 --> 00:27:11,463 Not really. 546 00:27:11,547 --> 00:27:13,465 They used the old logo. 547 00:27:14,716 --> 00:27:17,094 Do you smell something burning? 548 00:27:17,177 --> 00:27:18,887 God damn it! Jian Yang!