1
00:00:00,005 --> 00:00:01,047
Three, two, one, go.
2
00:00:01,047 --> 00:00:02,296
A... A new internet.
3
00:00:02,354 --> 00:00:03,563
What? Why?
4
00:00:04,646 --> 00:00:05,897
(HOUSE MUSIC PLAYING)
5
00:00:05,897 --> 00:00:08,063
I am your lead investor.
You will respect me as such.
6
00:00:08,063 --> 00:00:11,688
I do not respect you
because you are fat and poor.
7
00:00:12,146 --> 00:00:14,897
So, you're telling me that
the perfect application
8
00:00:14,897 --> 00:00:17,813
of my algorithm belongs
to Gavin fucking Belson?
9
00:00:17,813 --> 00:00:19,688
- (WOOD CRACKING)
- (DOORKNOB CLATTERING)
10
00:00:22,521 --> 00:00:25,229
RICHARD HENDRICKS: We need
his patent and his funding.
11
00:00:25,229 --> 00:00:28,897
Eventually, this will render
every server obsolete.
12
00:00:28,897 --> 00:00:30,104
GAVIN BELSON: Holy shit.
13
00:00:30,855 --> 00:00:32,521
HENDRICKS: Welcome to
the future, Gavin.
14
00:00:32,521 --> 00:00:33,229
(FIRE ROARING)
15
00:00:33,521 --> 00:00:36,146
- Whoa! Oh, no. Oh, no.
- Son of a bitch!
16
00:00:36,146 --> 00:00:39,688
I have spoken to our top LPs
to start a new firm.
17
00:00:39,688 --> 00:00:42,104
Would you care to jump ship
with me?
18
00:00:42,104 --> 00:00:45,063
You are, after all,
my best friend.
19
00:00:45,063 --> 00:00:46,229
What?
20
00:00:47,772 --> 00:00:48,605
(GLASS SHATTERS)
21
00:00:49,063 --> 00:00:50,813
HENDRICKS: Gavin just fucked off
to go find himself,
22
00:00:50,813 --> 00:00:51,938
who knows where.
23
00:00:52,563 --> 00:00:54,271
- What is it?
- It's the patent.
24
00:00:54,271 --> 00:00:56,271
He just signed over
full ownership to me.
25
00:00:56,521 --> 00:00:57,897
There's a loud man here
to see you.
26
00:00:58,188 --> 00:01:02,480
- Kendo in the house! (CHORTLES)
- Are you fucking kidding me?
27
00:01:02,480 --> 00:01:04,897
(BELSON SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
28
00:01:10,229 --> 00:01:13,063
Welcome home and congratulations
on getting your business back.
29
00:01:13,063 --> 00:01:13,855
Thank you, and I should
30
00:01:14,063 --> 00:01:15,229
congratulate you
on your breakthrough.
31
00:01:15,229 --> 00:01:17,396
I can help you get
where you wanna go.
32
00:01:17,396 --> 00:01:19,188
I'm pretty sure I know
where I wanna go,
33
00:01:19,188 --> 00:01:20,188
and how to get there.
34
00:01:20,188 --> 00:01:21,646
I shall look forward
to the fight.
35
00:01:22,521 --> 00:01:23,605
(MUSIC STOPS)
36
00:01:25,688 --> 00:01:27,271
Jesus,
what the hell did he order?
37
00:01:27,271 --> 00:01:28,480
(MARIACHI BAND PLAYING)
38
00:01:28,480 --> 00:01:31,772
Oh... No! No, no, no, no.
Stop! Stop it, stop it.
39
00:01:41,104 --> 00:01:45,063
♪ ♪
40
00:01:46,688 --> 00:01:49,022
Oh my God.
(chuckles)
41
00:01:49,022 --> 00:01:50,438
These are
our new offices?
42
00:01:50,438 --> 00:01:52,188
Richard: Yeah. Well,
this is just the lobby.
43
00:01:52,188 --> 00:01:54,605
We're up there
on the second floor, but yup.
44
00:01:54,605 --> 00:01:56,271
These are so nice.
45
00:01:56,271 --> 00:01:59,022
(gasps)
There's a fireplace.
46
00:01:59,022 --> 00:02:03,104
Oh! I am a sucker for an
intuitive kitchen layout.
47
00:02:03,104 --> 00:02:05,772
Follow me, right up here.
Trust me, you're gonna love it.
48
00:02:05,772 --> 00:02:07,980
Gilfoyle: It's hard to believe
your pathological inability
49
00:02:07,980 --> 00:02:10,813
to make a decision finally paid off.
(laughs)
50
00:02:10,813 --> 00:02:14,646
(Dinesh laughs)
Jared: Wow. Richard, well done.
51
00:02:14,646 --> 00:02:17,980
Dude! Look
at this place, huh?
52
00:02:17,980 --> 00:02:20,646
Jared: Oh, I love it.
(Dinesh laughs)
53
00:02:20,646 --> 00:02:22,480
So, when do
these guys move out?
54
00:02:22,480 --> 00:02:24,229
Oh, no, this isn't
our space.
55
00:02:24,229 --> 00:02:26,688
Our sublease is
straight through here.
56
00:02:28,188 --> 00:02:30,104
(Dinesh laughs)
Okay.
57
00:02:30,104 --> 00:02:34,772
I welcome you to Pied
Piper's new home.
58
00:02:34,772 --> 00:02:38,229
Huh? (Laughs)
(lights humming)
59
00:02:38,229 --> 00:02:40,146
Hoo-hoo-hoo!
60
00:02:41,146 --> 00:02:42,980
It's... it's very white.
61
00:02:42,980 --> 00:02:45,146
Yeah, it's minimalist,
you know?
62
00:02:45,146 --> 00:02:47,229
Sharp, clean lines.
63
00:02:47,229 --> 00:02:50,022
I was thinking about maybe putting
my desk here in this corner.
64
00:02:50,022 --> 00:02:52,354
Jared, you over here, right?
65
00:02:52,354 --> 00:02:55,354
Dinesh, Gilfoyle, maybe up
against this wall or over there.
66
00:02:55,354 --> 00:02:57,646
You know, just take a minute,
walk around the space,
67
00:02:57,646 --> 00:02:59,605
see where
the mojo takes you.
68
00:02:59,605 --> 00:03:01,521
I mean, we've got
some good feng shui in here.
69
00:03:01,521 --> 00:03:05,396
Really good.
(mimics fists whooshing)
70
00:03:05,396 --> 00:03:09,063
Richard, the plan
was to hire 15 coders
71
00:03:09,063 --> 00:03:12,104
and some assistants
and... and other staff.
72
00:03:12,104 --> 00:03:14,438
Where exactly
would we put them?
73
00:03:14,438 --> 00:03:16,980
Easy. Right around here.
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00:03:16,980 --> 00:03:20,229
Look, guys...
(chuckles) the price
75
00:03:20,229 --> 00:03:22,855
(emphatically)
is unbelievable.
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00:03:22,855 --> 00:03:26,271
I'm just happy that we got to it
when we did before anyone else.
77
00:03:26,271 --> 00:03:31,480
I... I emphatically vote that we
move on this now, if we all agree.
78
00:03:31,480 --> 00:03:33,897
I mean,
we do agree, right?
79
00:03:36,063 --> 00:03:38,897
I cannot put this
delicately, so...
80
00:03:38,897 --> 00:03:41,313
(shouting) Are you fucking
kidding me, dude?
81
00:03:41,313 --> 00:03:43,063
You want us
to work in here?
82
00:03:43,063 --> 00:03:45,646
This is a fucking
black site, Richard!
83
00:03:45,646 --> 00:03:47,563
A black site
would actually be better,
84
00:03:47,563 --> 00:03:50,563
because at least we'd be protected
by the Geneva Convention.
85
00:03:50,563 --> 00:03:52,772
This is fucking with my eyes.
Can I get outta here?
86
00:03:52,772 --> 00:03:55,897
Okay, ha... hang on.
Richard, can I talk to you
87
00:03:55,897 --> 00:03:58,229
for one second, please, privately?
Richard: Sure.
88
00:03:59,813 --> 00:04:02,438
Ah!
See? Plenty of outlets.
89
00:04:03,688 --> 00:04:06,313
(whispering) Richard...
what are you doing?
90
00:04:06,313 --> 00:04:10,688
We can easily afford a place
with windows and... air
91
00:04:10,688 --> 00:04:13,730
where you can maintain a
connection to time and space.
92
00:04:13,730 --> 00:04:17,605
(whispering) If... if we spend
all that money, it's gone.
93
00:04:17,605 --> 00:04:19,605
Okay, don't you remember
Jack Barker
94
00:04:19,605 --> 00:04:21,772
squandering all our runway
for those fancy offices
95
00:04:21,772 --> 00:04:25,229
or Russ Hanneman spending nearly
every cent we had on fucking swag?
96
00:04:25,229 --> 00:04:28,438
I'm sorry, man,
we do not get another chance.
97
00:04:28,438 --> 00:04:29,646
This is it.
98
00:04:29,646 --> 00:04:31,271
Gilfoyle: There is
no point whispering.
99
00:04:31,271 --> 00:04:34,772
We can hear every fucking word
you say in this sweatbox.
100
00:04:34,772 --> 00:04:36,730
I can hear
you gulping, Richard.
101
00:04:36,730 --> 00:04:38,980
No, you can't.
(gulps)
102
00:04:38,980 --> 00:04:40,104
(groans)
103
00:04:40,104 --> 00:04:42,730
Richard, it is
my firm opinion
104
00:04:42,730 --> 00:04:45,229
that if we were
to take this space,
105
00:04:45,229 --> 00:04:47,229
our new hires
wouldn't be coding,
106
00:04:47,229 --> 00:04:48,980
they would be having
panic attacks.
107
00:04:48,980 --> 00:04:52,313
No, come on. I'm doing a
really good job of hiding it,
108
00:04:52,313 --> 00:04:55,146
but I'm having one
right now.
109
00:04:55,146 --> 00:04:57,813
(breathing raspingly)
110
00:04:57,813 --> 00:04:59,646
I gotta get
the fuck outta here.
111
00:04:59,646 --> 00:05:02,646
Jared, you okay?
I will not be back.
112
00:05:02,646 --> 00:05:05,313
Wait, guys, hold on. Jared, I'm
gonna get you some water, okay?
113
00:05:05,313 --> 00:05:07,605
(Jared gasping)
114
00:05:07,605 --> 00:05:09,646
(theme music plays)
115
00:05:17,605 --> 00:05:21,605
♪ ♪
116
00:05:21,605 --> 00:05:24,063
Richard: Okay, what about
this guy, Chris Berger?
117
00:05:24,063 --> 00:05:25,646
He's a very skilled engineer.
118
00:05:25,646 --> 00:05:28,480
He was very funny when we met with him.
I think he'd be great.
119
00:05:28,480 --> 00:05:31,022
He was oddly tall,
don't you think?
120
00:05:31,022 --> 00:05:32,688
Gilfoyle: Yeah, pass.
121
00:05:32,688 --> 00:05:35,855
Alright, what about
Blake Kang?
122
00:05:35,855 --> 00:05:37,855
His beard hair looked
like head hair.
123
00:05:37,855 --> 00:05:40,396
And his head hair
looked like beard hair.
124
00:05:40,396 --> 00:05:43,354
Come on! It's been
a fucking month.
125
00:05:43,354 --> 00:05:46,188
I got us these
expensive-ass offices
126
00:05:46,188 --> 00:05:50,480
because you wanted them, and now
they're just sitting here, empty,
127
00:05:50,480 --> 00:05:52,480
because you guys
won't agree on anyone.
128
00:05:52,480 --> 00:05:55,354
Look, I'm going to be
seeing Laurie Bream
129
00:05:55,354 --> 00:05:58,688
at this stupid Innovation
Hall of Fame event tonight,
130
00:05:58,688 --> 00:06:01,772
and she's gonna ask
how hiring is going.
131
00:06:01,772 --> 00:06:04,855
She's 11 months pregnant
and highly irritable.
132
00:06:04,855 --> 00:06:06,229
What am I going
to tell her?
133
00:06:06,229 --> 00:06:08,146
That we've just been dicking
around the whole time?
134
00:06:08,146 --> 00:06:10,563
We're not dicking around.
Really?
135
00:06:10,563 --> 00:06:12,354
What about this?
136
00:06:12,354 --> 00:06:13,563
Gilfoyle: Touché.
137
00:06:13,563 --> 00:06:16,396
He sent in a professional headshot.
We had no choice.
138
00:06:16,396 --> 00:06:18,646
Plus his face looks
like a taint.
139
00:06:18,646 --> 00:06:20,396
Okay, yeah, fair.
140
00:06:20,396 --> 00:06:25,063
But look, I sent you
63 good people.
141
00:06:25,063 --> 00:06:28,730
I spared you kilt guy,
openly alt-right guy,
142
00:06:28,730 --> 00:06:30,313
obviously closeted
alt-right guy,
143
00:06:30,313 --> 00:06:32,855
and the guy with the
stupid fucking pizza app.
144
00:06:32,855 --> 00:06:36,313
It was so lame, it would
somehow make you hate pizza.
145
00:06:36,313 --> 00:06:39,563
You have to choose. Dude,
it's easy for you to say.
146
00:06:39,563 --> 00:06:42,063
You're gonna be off CEO'ing,
going to fancy galas.
147
00:06:42,063 --> 00:06:45,521
We're the ones who have to like be in
the engine room with these clowns.
148
00:06:45,521 --> 00:06:47,229
Gilfoyle: They have to meet
our rigorous standards.
149
00:06:47,229 --> 00:06:49,063
I mean, look at the three
we've already hired.
150
00:06:50,063 --> 00:06:52,730
Just look at them.
There they are.
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00:06:52,730 --> 00:06:55,646
♪ ♪
152
00:06:55,646 --> 00:06:57,022
Stallions.
153
00:06:57,022 --> 00:07:00,563
Gilfoyle: Each one more
magnificent than the last.
154
00:07:00,563 --> 00:07:01,605
Dinesh: Perfect.
155
00:07:01,605 --> 00:07:04,229
Yeah, they're glorious,
obviously,
156
00:07:04,229 --> 00:07:06,646
but that's
only three of them,
157
00:07:06,646 --> 00:07:09,813
and they're luxuriating here
in this huge fucking palace
158
00:07:09,813 --> 00:07:13,855
that is costing us a fortune, so hurry
up and pick these fucking coders,
159
00:07:13,855 --> 00:07:16,730
and stop acting like a couple
of spoiled millionaires.
160
00:07:16,730 --> 00:07:17,897
Alright, Richard,
161
00:07:17,897 --> 00:07:21,022
your tuxedo is pressed
and ready for the gala.
162
00:07:21,022 --> 00:07:23,605
I put a touch of mint
in the steamer.
163
00:07:23,605 --> 00:07:26,480
You're gonna look like Richard
Gere from "Pretty Woman."
164
00:07:26,480 --> 00:07:29,938
Maybe tonight you'll fall
for a radiant sex worker.
165
00:07:29,938 --> 00:07:33,313
♪ ♪
166
00:07:33,313 --> 00:07:36,063
During my sabbatical
from Hooli,
167
00:07:36,063 --> 00:07:39,646
I toured the wonders of the
world, seeking inspiration
168
00:07:39,646 --> 00:07:42,146
from mankind's
greatest achievements...
169
00:07:42,146 --> 00:07:44,855
the Parthenon,
Angkor Wat,
170
00:07:44,855 --> 00:07:47,063
the Great Pyramid
of Giza.
171
00:07:47,063 --> 00:07:49,646
But it wasn't
until my flight home
172
00:07:49,646 --> 00:07:51,313
that I had my epiphany.
173
00:07:51,313 --> 00:07:55,980
Yes, those wonders are visited by
thousands of people every year,
174
00:07:55,980 --> 00:07:59,563
but 2.4 million people
175
00:07:59,563 --> 00:08:02,188
visit HooliSearch
every minute.
176
00:08:02,188 --> 00:08:03,688
(mutters)
God, what a fucking douchebag.
177
00:08:03,688 --> 00:08:05,480
(people shush)
Gavin: And then it occurred to me.
178
00:08:05,480 --> 00:08:09,438
What I have built is
a far greater achievement,
179
00:08:09,438 --> 00:08:11,271
than any
of the ancient world.
180
00:08:11,271 --> 00:08:14,188
And the ideal version
of myself
181
00:08:14,188 --> 00:08:16,813
was the man
I already was.
182
00:08:16,813 --> 00:08:20,563
(applause)
(classical score plays)
183
00:08:22,022 --> 00:08:23,063
Thank you.
184
00:08:25,271 --> 00:08:26,730
Richard?
Richard Hendricks.
185
00:08:26,730 --> 00:08:29,646
Oh. Huh? Okay. Yeah, hi, Duncan.
Yeah.
186
00:08:29,646 --> 00:08:32,813
Me and my guys were just talking
about you and your pizza app.
187
00:08:32,813 --> 00:08:35,646
(chuckles) Oh yeah. I bet.
Our algorithm finds you
188
00:08:35,646 --> 00:08:38,188
the cheapest, fastest pizza,
and it's... it's awesome.
189
00:08:38,188 --> 00:08:39,897
Yeah. It's actually so awesome...
Definitely.
190
00:08:39,897 --> 00:08:43,354
That... oh man, I'm gonna... I'm
gonna have to pull my resume.
191
00:08:43,354 --> 00:08:45,646
Oh, you're pulling your...
(clicks tongue)
192
00:08:45,646 --> 00:08:48,980
Oh no. Yeah, I just don't
feel as psyched about it
193
00:08:48,980 --> 00:08:51,730
as I do about Sliceline.
Sliceline?
194
00:08:51,730 --> 00:08:53,730
That's the name
of your app?
195
00:08:53,730 --> 00:08:56,104
Yeah. Oh God. (Chuckles)
196
00:08:56,104 --> 00:08:57,521
Great.
Yeah, it's a pun.
197
00:08:57,521 --> 00:09:00,646
Is it? Yeah. It rhymes
with Priceline.
198
00:09:00,646 --> 00:09:04,772
Okay. Just... so, it rhymes? Okay.
Yeah. It's a rhyming pun.
199
00:09:04,772 --> 00:09:08,438
Anyway, there might be some major VCs
around here, so I gotta go mingle.
200
00:09:08,438 --> 00:09:12,563
Okay. It's the... it's the worst
part of this job. Am I right?
201
00:09:12,563 --> 00:09:14,772
(laughs) I'm kidding.
It's the best part of the job.
202
00:09:16,563 --> 00:09:17,563
Okay.
203
00:09:18,563 --> 00:09:19,772
(mutters)
What an asshole.
204
00:09:21,813 --> 00:09:23,730
Richard.
Gavin, hello.
205
00:09:23,730 --> 00:09:26,271
Don't you look cute
in your Sunday best?
206
00:09:26,271 --> 00:09:28,772
How's that little
bunny Internet going?
207
00:09:28,772 --> 00:09:31,229
Mmm. New Internet. New.
208
00:09:31,229 --> 00:09:32,855
Unlike your old Internet.
209
00:09:32,855 --> 00:09:35,813
(chuckles) You know, I'm glad
I ran into you, Richard.
210
00:09:35,813 --> 00:09:39,354
I was actually starting to feel
bad about what I did today.
211
00:09:39,354 --> 00:09:40,813
Oh? And what was that?
212
00:09:40,813 --> 00:09:44,271
Invent the MOSFET transistor?
(chuckles)
213
00:09:44,271 --> 00:09:46,313
It's old technology.
It's very old, like you.
214
00:09:46,313 --> 00:09:49,730
No. I've heard that you're trying to
staff up. Over the past few months,
215
00:09:49,730 --> 00:09:52,772
you've met with just about every distributed
systems developer in the Valley.
216
00:09:52,772 --> 00:09:54,772
Okay, well, not everyone.
217
00:09:54,772 --> 00:09:58,438
63 of them, and as of 4:30 p.m.
this afternoon,
218
00:09:58,438 --> 00:10:00,646
I hired them,
all 63 of them.
219
00:10:00,646 --> 00:10:02,772
Yeah, I had to pay through
the nose, but you know what?
220
00:10:02,772 --> 00:10:06,521
♪ ♪
That look right there on your face?
221
00:10:06,521 --> 00:10:08,354
It makes it worth
every penny.
222
00:10:08,354 --> 00:10:11,772
You know what?
Enjoy the reception, Richard.
223
00:10:11,772 --> 00:10:13,104
You too.
224
00:10:13,104 --> 00:10:14,271
♪ ♪
225
00:10:14,271 --> 00:10:15,938
Jared: Yeah, he wasn't bluffing.
226
00:10:15,938 --> 00:10:17,813
He hired all of them.
227
00:10:17,813 --> 00:10:20,104
Even my boy Blake Kang?
228
00:10:20,104 --> 00:10:21,521
He was a good one.
229
00:10:21,521 --> 00:10:23,772
I'm sorry, uh, your boy?
230
00:10:23,772 --> 00:10:25,646
I thought his hair
was backwards?
231
00:10:25,646 --> 00:10:29,271
You guys were lukewarm on him and everybody
else for all kinds of stupid reasons.
232
00:10:29,271 --> 00:10:33,605
Well, now that they're unavailable, their
strengths are more readily apparent.
233
00:10:33,605 --> 00:10:37,688
And I don't want to point
fingers, but we wouldn't be here
234
00:10:37,688 --> 00:10:41,730
if you hadn't let Gilfoyle and me
waste so much time being picky.
235
00:10:41,730 --> 00:10:44,022
What? I was dying
to move faster.
236
00:10:44,022 --> 00:10:45,897
I was just respecting
your process.
237
00:10:45,897 --> 00:10:47,271
Our process sucks.
238
00:10:47,271 --> 00:10:49,813
Your inability to stop us from sucking
239
00:10:49,813 --> 00:10:51,063
is a failure of leadership.
240
00:10:51,063 --> 00:10:53,480
At least we still
have the stallions.
241
00:10:53,480 --> 00:10:55,313
Ah. Those stallions.
242
00:10:55,313 --> 00:10:58,396
Look at 'em.
Magnificent.
243
00:10:58,396 --> 00:11:01,813
Sit back down.
Just sit in your chairs.
244
00:11:01,813 --> 00:11:04,104
Jared, um...
245
00:11:04,104 --> 00:11:08,354
call alt-right guy and cologne
boy and all the other rejects,
246
00:11:08,354 --> 00:11:09,938
and... set meetings.
247
00:11:09,938 --> 00:11:13,104
Well, I did a little digging
on the alt-right guy,
248
00:11:13,104 --> 00:11:16,938
and he's pretty involved in a
campaign to eliminate black emojis,
249
00:11:16,938 --> 00:11:20,229
but there might be
another option.
250
00:11:20,229 --> 00:11:22,188
Do you remember Kira Pickford?
251
00:11:22,188 --> 00:11:25,730
Yes, actually. Yeah, good coder,
but she had her own company.
252
00:11:25,730 --> 00:11:28,813
Well, that's true, except
that her company, Optimoji,
253
00:11:28,813 --> 00:11:30,521
just lost their second
round of funding,
254
00:11:30,521 --> 00:11:32,146
so they're basically
on life support.
255
00:11:32,146 --> 00:11:36,104
So? So, what if, instead
of building a team,
256
00:11:36,104 --> 00:11:37,354
we acquired one?
257
00:11:37,354 --> 00:11:40,354
Dinesh: But Optimoji has 30 people.
We only need 12.
258
00:11:40,354 --> 00:11:43,354
Well, we'll just insist
that she let the other 18 go.
259
00:11:43,354 --> 00:11:47,229
We have a lot of leverage.
Richard is a shrewd negotiator,
260
00:11:47,229 --> 00:11:50,271
and I'm, you know, spirited.
261
00:11:50,271 --> 00:11:51,521
♪ ♪
262
00:11:51,521 --> 00:11:54,730
Look, Kira,
this is a fair offer.
263
00:11:54,730 --> 00:11:57,271
But... I've got
30 great guys.
264
00:11:57,271 --> 00:12:02,688
We're like family, and you
only wanna bring along 12?
265
00:12:02,688 --> 00:12:04,563
I have to do what's
right by my guys.
266
00:12:04,563 --> 00:12:09,063
Look, I know what it's like to only
be able to rescue half your family,
267
00:12:09,063 --> 00:12:11,229
and it's awful, but what can you do?
Shh, shh.
268
00:12:11,229 --> 00:12:13,022
Sometimes there's only
one... Jared, okay, stop.
269
00:12:13,022 --> 00:12:16,313
Um, look, Kira, you're not gonna
find a better deal than that.
270
00:12:16,313 --> 00:12:18,855
Your company is
close to bankruptcy
271
00:12:18,855 --> 00:12:22,938
and we all know that there are a lotta
coders out there in this old town,
272
00:12:22,938 --> 00:12:25,855
and we could go
to any of 'em,
273
00:12:25,855 --> 00:12:28,730
but we wanna
go to you, so...
274
00:12:30,605 --> 00:12:33,271
kinda feels like we've got
all the cards here, huh?
275
00:12:33,271 --> 00:12:35,605
Richard.
You keep following me,
276
00:12:35,605 --> 00:12:36,813
I'm gonna call
the cops.
277
00:12:36,813 --> 00:12:38,146
(chuckles) I'm just kidding.
Oh.
278
00:12:38,146 --> 00:12:40,354
Hey, I'm Duncan. Hey. Kira.
279
00:12:40,354 --> 00:12:45,063
Hey, guess what company just got
his Series "A" Term Sheet? Huh?
280
00:12:45,063 --> 00:12:47,980
Oh, the Sliceline. (Laughs)
281
00:12:47,980 --> 00:12:50,897
Congrats, yeah.
Duncan: Yeah, we're staffing up like crazy.
282
00:12:50,897 --> 00:12:53,688
Speaking of staffing, how about
all those coders you lost, man?
283
00:12:53,688 --> 00:12:56,438
I'm sorry. That must've
been a real blow.
284
00:12:56,438 --> 00:12:58,022
What coders?
285
00:12:58,022 --> 00:13:01,022
Um, I'm sorry, I don't mean to
be rude, but this is boring.
286
00:13:01,022 --> 00:13:02,688
Thank God I didn't
accept your offer.
287
00:13:02,688 --> 00:13:04,022
I'd be the only guy
working for you
288
00:13:04,022 --> 00:13:05,438
now that Gavin Belson
swooped in
289
00:13:05,438 --> 00:13:07,022
and tactically mass-hired
every single
290
00:13:07,022 --> 00:13:09,146
distributed systems
engineer you were looking at.
291
00:13:09,146 --> 00:13:11,146
Gavin hired all
of Richard's coders?
292
00:13:11,146 --> 00:13:12,897
Not everyone.
Not everyone.
293
00:13:12,897 --> 00:13:15,146
Yup. The guy is savage,
294
00:13:15,146 --> 00:13:17,646
and so are my guys if they
don't get their caffeine,
295
00:13:17,646 --> 00:13:21,480
so nice meeting you, Kira.
Cool. Cool, cool.
296
00:13:23,813 --> 00:13:25,646
What were you saying
about holding all the cards?
297
00:13:25,646 --> 00:13:28,146
All of my coders
or none of them.
298
00:13:28,146 --> 00:13:29,354
Take it or leave it.
299
00:13:30,688 --> 00:13:34,480
♪ ♪
300
00:13:35,980 --> 00:13:37,104
Dinesh: What?
301
00:13:38,646 --> 00:13:40,104
Gilfoyle: What the fuck?
302
00:13:41,022 --> 00:13:42,646
Do you have...
Do you...
303
00:13:42,646 --> 00:13:44,480
Dinesh: Jian-Yang!
304
00:13:45,813 --> 00:13:48,521
Jian-Yang...
would you please explain
305
00:13:48,521 --> 00:13:52,229
why we each found some random
Chinese guy asleep in our beds?
306
00:13:53,188 --> 00:13:55,229
Yes, you work all day.
307
00:13:55,229 --> 00:13:59,688
Your rooms are always
empty, so they use.
308
00:13:59,688 --> 00:14:03,271
The fuck they do. Yes,
it's not your house.
309
00:14:03,271 --> 00:14:05,813
This is not your house
either, Jian-Yang.
310
00:14:05,813 --> 00:14:10,271
This is Erlich's house. Do you think
Erlich would want your guys here?
311
00:14:10,271 --> 00:14:13,855
No. That's why I invite them,
because I hate Errich.
312
00:14:13,855 --> 00:14:18,022
We are not Erlich. You are
from Errich's administration.
313
00:14:18,022 --> 00:14:21,063
No, we are not. Nobody has
heard from Erlich in months.
314
00:14:21,063 --> 00:14:25,022
This isn't working. I'm gonna drag
your cousin the fuck outta my lair.
315
00:14:25,022 --> 00:14:27,813
Jian-Yang: No,
this is my cousin.
316
00:14:27,813 --> 00:14:31,188
♪ ♪
317
00:14:31,188 --> 00:14:33,063
Engineers, welcome.
318
00:14:33,063 --> 00:14:37,271
You are 63 of the top distributed
systems developers in the Valley,
319
00:14:37,271 --> 00:14:39,229
and we're looking forward
to working with you.
320
00:14:39,229 --> 00:14:43,104
Hooli is the future,
and your future is...
321
00:14:44,521 --> 00:14:45,605
♪ ♪
322
00:14:45,605 --> 00:14:47,271
the Box Two.
323
00:14:50,104 --> 00:14:52,229
So, are there
any questions?
324
00:14:56,354 --> 00:14:57,688
Yes?
325
00:14:57,688 --> 00:15:00,563
I'm sorry, but what if we
don't wanna work on that?
326
00:15:01,688 --> 00:15:03,897
Weird. This is our
flagship product,
327
00:15:03,897 --> 00:15:06,605
but I'm sure we'd all like to hear
what you would like to work on.
328
00:15:06,605 --> 00:15:10,354
A decentralized Internet, like we were
going to build with Richard Hendricks.
329
00:15:10,354 --> 00:15:14,772
Actually, that's the one thing
we can't do here at Hooli. Yes?
330
00:15:14,772 --> 00:15:19,104
Sorry. You only hired us because
Pied Piper wanted us, right?
331
00:15:19,104 --> 00:15:20,730
Untrue. Go on.
332
00:15:20,730 --> 00:15:22,104
And Pied Piper only wanted us
333
00:15:22,104 --> 00:15:25,022
because of our ability to help
build a decentralized Internet.
334
00:15:25,022 --> 00:15:26,730
Can't speak
to that. Continue.
335
00:15:26,730 --> 00:15:29,022
And you're telling us
that even if we want to,
336
00:15:29,022 --> 00:15:31,438
we can't build
a decentralized Internet here.
337
00:15:31,438 --> 00:15:32,563
May I ask why not?
338
00:15:32,563 --> 00:15:35,438
Because Richard owns
the patent for it.
339
00:15:37,063 --> 00:15:38,605
Yes, third row,
red hoodie.
340
00:15:38,605 --> 00:15:41,271
How did he get it?
I gave it to him.
341
00:15:43,438 --> 00:15:45,772
You in the back?
Why did you do that?
342
00:15:45,772 --> 00:15:49,104
It was a Buddhist act
of selflessness.
343
00:15:49,104 --> 00:15:52,938
Well, I'm also a Buddhist, and I
would never give him the patent.
344
00:15:52,938 --> 00:15:54,730
I mean, once he builds
that Internet,
345
00:15:54,730 --> 00:15:59,313
he's gonna render Hooli's entire
web-based ecosystem completely obsolete.
346
00:15:59,313 --> 00:16:02,480
I mean, everything you're
doing here is antiquated.
347
00:16:03,646 --> 00:16:05,730
That's not a question.
That's a statement.
348
00:16:05,730 --> 00:16:07,980
You know what?
349
00:16:07,980 --> 00:16:10,563
Fuck you guys. I don't want
you working on my box.
350
00:16:10,563 --> 00:16:12,480
It's too good for you.
"Antiquated"?
351
00:16:12,480 --> 00:16:14,897
Why did you all take my money
then, you entitled little pricks?
352
00:16:14,897 --> 00:16:16,646
You all think you're John Lennon
353
00:16:16,646 --> 00:16:18,980
until someone waves a
dollar in your face!
354
00:16:18,980 --> 00:16:20,438
You know what?
Get outta here!
355
00:16:20,438 --> 00:16:23,897
Go on, just wander the campus
for four years until you vest.
356
00:16:23,897 --> 00:16:25,354
See what I care.
357
00:16:25,354 --> 00:16:28,188
I'm serious! Go! Goodbye!
Thank you very much!
358
00:16:28,188 --> 00:16:30,146
(murmuring)
359
00:16:30,146 --> 00:16:33,313
Assholes.
"Antiquated"?
360
00:16:33,313 --> 00:16:36,646
Fuck do they think they are? I'm in the
Innovation Hall of Fame. Are they?
361
00:16:36,646 --> 00:16:40,855
Speaking of, they sent over
the official inductees portrait.
362
00:16:40,855 --> 00:16:42,897
You and your peers.
Handsome bunch.
363
00:16:46,897 --> 00:16:47,897
Fuck.
364
00:16:49,354 --> 00:16:50,354
Fuck!
365
00:16:50,354 --> 00:16:54,938
♪ ♪
366
00:16:54,938 --> 00:16:58,772
So, Mr. Yang...
It's Mr. Jian.
367
00:16:58,772 --> 00:17:02,022
In China,
last name comes first.
368
00:17:02,022 --> 00:17:08,022
Okay. Mr. Jian, you say that Erlich
Bachman wrote this letter...
369
00:17:08,022 --> 00:17:11,146
to you? Yes.
370
00:17:11,146 --> 00:17:13,772
"This is Erlich. Hello.
371
00:17:13,772 --> 00:17:20,480
"I am gone, but Jian-Yang is a
very good friend and very smart.
372
00:17:20,480 --> 00:17:24,480
"I want him to be the
leader of the house
373
00:17:24,480 --> 00:17:27,772
"and control all of the friends.
374
00:17:27,772 --> 00:17:31,396
Goodbye. Bachman Erlich."
375
00:17:33,063 --> 00:17:36,480
Yes. I want his house.
376
00:17:36,480 --> 00:17:40,146
Thank you. Okay, I don't
technically represent Mr. Bachman.
377
00:17:40,146 --> 00:17:42,772
I'm Pied Piper's
corporate counsel,
378
00:17:42,772 --> 00:17:47,688
so my exposure to Bachman pertains only
to his 10% ownership of the business.
379
00:17:47,688 --> 00:17:51,563
Errich owns 10% of Pied Piper?
380
00:17:51,563 --> 00:17:55,938
This was not a lie? Sadly,
no, that's very, very real.
381
00:17:55,938 --> 00:17:58,938
That's worth a lot of money.
382
00:17:58,938 --> 00:18:02,897
It's promising tech. One day
it could be worth a shit-ton.
383
00:18:04,271 --> 00:18:07,521
Shit-ton. Yes.
384
00:18:07,521 --> 00:18:10,438
Mr. Jian, you seem
like a good guy.
385
00:18:10,438 --> 00:18:14,688
Um, this letter is
not a legal document.
386
00:18:14,688 --> 00:18:18,104
I mean, maybe a skilled
attorney could make a case
387
00:18:18,104 --> 00:18:20,313
that in the absence
of an existing will,
388
00:18:20,313 --> 00:18:22,730
this would serve as one in
the case of Bachman's death,
389
00:18:22,730 --> 00:18:26,063
but as far as I can tell,
the guy is not... Dead.
390
00:18:27,271 --> 00:18:30,813
Yes. Errich is dead.
391
00:18:32,813 --> 00:18:36,104
Do you happen to have...
a death certificate
392
00:18:36,104 --> 00:18:39,605
or any... any form
of proof of... Yes.
393
00:18:40,688 --> 00:18:42,146
I can get it now.
394
00:18:42,146 --> 00:18:43,813
♪ ♪
395
00:18:46,022 --> 00:18:48,813
Richard: Our deal with Kira
is for 30 fucking coders.
396
00:18:48,813 --> 00:18:50,188
Where in the hell are
we gonna put them?
397
00:18:50,188 --> 00:18:53,688
Well, I suppose we could put
three more workstations here,
398
00:18:53,688 --> 00:18:55,354
and then two more over there.
399
00:18:55,354 --> 00:18:57,063
It'd be crowded but cozy.
400
00:18:57,063 --> 00:18:59,772
They'll be all holed up together
like the Branch Davidians.
401
00:18:59,772 --> 00:19:03,938
Yeah, but, I mean, are we sure
this is the right thing to do?
402
00:19:03,938 --> 00:19:05,980
I mean, I don't want to
crowd the stallions.
403
00:19:05,980 --> 00:19:10,104
Are we sure taking on all 30 of
Kira's guys is the right move?
404
00:19:10,104 --> 00:19:12,188
We can get up and running.
They all know each other,
405
00:19:12,188 --> 00:19:13,897
so we won't have to play
the name game.
406
00:19:13,897 --> 00:19:15,813
Yeah.
(phone rings)
407
00:19:18,605 --> 00:19:21,897
Ron, hello. Hey, buddy.
Hang on just a second.
408
00:19:21,897 --> 00:19:25,354
No, the... the exit is...
the exit is the other way.
409
00:19:25,354 --> 00:19:30,188
God damn it. Um, Richie, you
know a guy named "Jee-Ann"?
410
00:19:30,188 --> 00:19:35,104
Jan? Uh, no. Well, I know a "Jan
the Man," but she's a woman.
411
00:19:35,104 --> 00:19:38,188
Look, did you... did you talk
to the Optimoji board yet?
412
00:19:38,188 --> 00:19:40,188
Uh, did we close the deal?
413
00:19:40,188 --> 00:19:44,229
Uh, well, a deal closed. Another
bidder came in with a better offer,
414
00:19:44,229 --> 00:19:46,022
so they went with them.
Richard (on phone): What?
415
00:19:46,022 --> 00:19:47,980
Was it Gavin fucking Belson again?
416
00:19:47,980 --> 00:19:50,354
Ron (on phone): No,
it was a new company.
417
00:19:50,354 --> 00:19:52,396
Real smart, clever name.
418
00:19:52,396 --> 00:19:54,688
Sort of a pun
that rhymes.
419
00:19:54,688 --> 00:19:56,188
♪ ♪
(door opens)
420
00:20:01,563 --> 00:20:03,855
Oh, hello, dickheads.
421
00:20:03,855 --> 00:20:05,938
I hope I'm not
interrupting your plotting,
422
00:20:05,938 --> 00:20:08,146
(keyboards clacking)
you sneaky little dinks.
423
00:20:08,146 --> 00:20:10,813
Kira, you and I had
a deal, okay?
424
00:20:10,813 --> 00:20:14,188
So fuck you, fuck you,
and fuck you!
425
00:20:14,188 --> 00:20:16,772
(clacking stops)
Man: What did he say?
426
00:20:16,772 --> 00:20:19,188
Not you.
Just e... everyone.
427
00:20:19,188 --> 00:20:21,146
I meant fuck all of you.
No one specific.
428
00:20:21,146 --> 00:20:22,980
Richard, you low-balled me. Mmm?
429
00:20:22,980 --> 00:20:27,063
Remember? Well, Duncan here said
he wanted to grow fast as balls.
430
00:20:27,063 --> 00:20:29,480
He said he was psyched.
Yeah, I am psyched.
431
00:20:29,480 --> 00:20:30,980
I'd hire a million people
if I could.
432
00:20:30,980 --> 00:20:33,730
See, if I have to sell my
company, I might as well sell it
433
00:20:33,730 --> 00:20:36,563
to the CEO who
actually wants all of us.
434
00:20:36,563 --> 00:20:38,188
It's pizza, Kira.
435
00:20:38,188 --> 00:20:41,688
Richard, we're just three CEOs
trying to do right by our companies.
436
00:20:41,688 --> 00:20:44,229
Okay, you know what?
I'm glad you turned us down,
437
00:20:44,229 --> 00:20:46,022
because I don't want
to work with anyone
438
00:20:46,022 --> 00:20:49,146
who wants to work
with this... meathead.
439
00:20:52,271 --> 00:20:56,063
I'm taking these.
I'm taking all of them.
440
00:20:56,063 --> 00:20:57,605
♪ ♪
441
00:20:57,605 --> 00:21:00,605
Maybe just take one. You have
like four employees. Richard: Ha!
442
00:21:07,605 --> 00:21:08,730
Ah, shit.
443
00:21:09,938 --> 00:21:11,605
Gavin:
Throw it away.
444
00:21:11,605 --> 00:21:14,980
Patrice, I'd like to welcome
you back to the Hooli family.
445
00:21:14,980 --> 00:21:17,104
It's wonderful
to be back, Gavin.
446
00:21:17,104 --> 00:21:19,730
Sadly, the timing
couldn't be worse.
447
00:21:19,730 --> 00:21:23,022
Those code-monkeys I just hired
were right about one thing:
448
00:21:23,022 --> 00:21:26,605
Making Jack's box the flagship
product of this company
449
00:21:26,605 --> 00:21:29,229
will send us down a path
to technological irrelevance
450
00:21:29,229 --> 00:21:30,897
from which
we will never return.
451
00:21:30,897 --> 00:21:33,438
But in light of the time
and resources
452
00:21:33,438 --> 00:21:34,980
we've invested
in this product,
453
00:21:34,980 --> 00:21:36,938
convincing the board
and our shareholders
454
00:21:36,938 --> 00:21:39,188
to simply scrap it
will be nearly impossible.
455
00:21:39,188 --> 00:21:41,897
Our company is too big
to turn around that quickly.
456
00:21:41,897 --> 00:21:45,396
Gavin, what if you launched a new
product to help us correct course?
457
00:21:45,396 --> 00:21:48,938
Absolutely. Look at all the products
you've brought to market over the years.
458
00:21:48,938 --> 00:21:51,022
Gavin: Hmm. True.
459
00:21:51,022 --> 00:21:55,938
I did invent the HooliPod and the
HooliPad and the HooliPad Pro,
460
00:21:55,938 --> 00:22:00,188
but a man only has so many
game-changing inventions in him.
461
00:22:00,188 --> 00:22:03,855
And technically, all the products
he just named were money-losers.
462
00:22:03,855 --> 00:22:05,813
I mean, you could argue
we'd have been better off
463
00:22:05,813 --> 00:22:08,146
if he'd never invented
any of that stuff.
464
00:22:11,730 --> 00:22:12,855
Hoover.
Hoover: Sir.
465
00:22:14,480 --> 00:22:16,855
(whispers)
466
00:22:16,855 --> 00:22:19,730
Patrice, can I talk to you
outside for a second?
467
00:22:22,646 --> 00:22:27,063
Anyway, if Jack Barker's insidious
box is allowed to go to market,
468
00:22:27,063 --> 00:22:28,313
we may all lose our jobs.
469
00:22:28,313 --> 00:22:29,730
We may all go
the way of Patrice.
470
00:22:29,730 --> 00:22:32,855
But we must fight it.
We cannot sacrifice
471
00:22:32,855 --> 00:22:37,396
our long-term wellbeing in the interest
of paltry, short-term profits.
472
00:22:37,396 --> 00:22:39,438
Well, they're not paltry, exactly.
473
00:22:39,438 --> 00:22:42,229
Did you not see the preorder
figures for the Box Two?
474
00:22:42,229 --> 00:22:44,063
They came in this morning.
475
00:22:46,229 --> 00:22:47,688
Holy shit.
476
00:22:48,688 --> 00:22:51,480
Are these right?
How many quarters is this?
477
00:22:51,480 --> 00:22:53,730
Just one.
The Box Two will be by far
478
00:22:53,730 --> 00:22:55,772
the most lucrative new product
we've ever released.
479
00:22:58,188 --> 00:22:59,563
Fucking Sliceline.
480
00:22:59,563 --> 00:23:02,813
Plus his fancy, hi-tech pizza
tastes just like Domino's.
481
00:23:02,813 --> 00:23:05,855
There's a reason for that.
Check out the liner.
482
00:23:05,855 --> 00:23:08,646
Jared: Oh yeah. I guess
that's Domino's.
483
00:23:08,646 --> 00:23:10,480
We never had pizza
'cause my step-mom said
484
00:23:10,480 --> 00:23:13,022
Italians aren't
real white people.
485
00:23:13,022 --> 00:23:16,022
Hold on. Duncan doesn't
even make his own pizza?
486
00:23:16,022 --> 00:23:17,938
He just orders it
from Domino's
487
00:23:17,938 --> 00:23:19,563
and switches the boxes?
488
00:23:19,563 --> 00:23:21,229
(scoffs)
He really is sneaky.
489
00:23:21,229 --> 00:23:24,563
It's not sneaky.
It's stupid.
490
00:23:24,563 --> 00:23:26,980
Switching boxes costs
a lot of money.
491
00:23:26,980 --> 00:23:29,229
Okay. How do you know?
492
00:23:29,229 --> 00:23:31,563
I need to prove
Errich's dead,
493
00:23:31,563 --> 00:23:35,104
so I want to ship
a dead body from China,
494
00:23:35,104 --> 00:23:38,730
but it's hard to find
a white body in China,
495
00:23:38,730 --> 00:23:41,229
especially fat
like Errich,
496
00:23:41,229 --> 00:23:45,271
so I buy a fat,
white cadaver
497
00:23:45,271 --> 00:23:47,271
from Cincinnati
medical school.
498
00:23:47,271 --> 00:23:51,354
But to ship to China,
then switch box,
499
00:23:51,354 --> 00:23:54,271
then ship back,
it's way too much money.
500
00:23:56,313 --> 00:23:57,438
Say that again.
501
00:23:57,438 --> 00:24:00,271
Like, not one word
of that made sense.
502
00:24:01,188 --> 00:24:04,313
Hold on. Just... ju...
what... uh...
503
00:24:04,313 --> 00:24:08,271
does anyone... does anyone know
the price of a Domino's pizza?
504
00:24:08,271 --> 00:24:09,772
A large, 10 bucks.
505
00:24:09,772 --> 00:24:12,938
Okay, well, Sliceline
sells theirs for nine.
506
00:24:12,938 --> 00:24:17,521
So? (Emphatically) So,
we're not fucked yet.
507
00:24:17,521 --> 00:24:18,646
♪ ♪
508
00:24:18,646 --> 00:24:21,271
That was kinda crazy, Richard.
That was...
509
00:24:21,271 --> 00:24:24,605
(laughs) I mean, you
threw a full-on tantrum.
510
00:24:24,605 --> 00:24:26,313
I know, I know.
I am so sorry.
511
00:24:26,313 --> 00:24:29,730
It's just... I guess I'm just a CEO
trying to do right by my company.
512
00:24:29,730 --> 00:24:31,688
Like you guys.
(phone beeps)
513
00:24:31,688 --> 00:24:34,022
Speaking of business, wow, we're
having a hell of a night.
514
00:24:34,022 --> 00:24:35,229
Yeah, well, I would know.
515
00:24:35,229 --> 00:24:38,646
About 500 of those orders
tonight are me.
516
00:24:38,646 --> 00:24:41,104
Oh. Richard, you really
didn't have to do that.
517
00:24:41,104 --> 00:24:44,104
But the peace offering
is super appreciated.
518
00:24:44,104 --> 00:24:47,438
Yeah, well, I wouldn't really
call it a peace offering.
519
00:24:47,438 --> 00:24:50,646
You see, Duncan, you took
eight mil in funding, right?
520
00:24:50,646 --> 00:24:55,480
And then you matched my offer to
acquire Optimoji here from Kira,
521
00:24:55,480 --> 00:24:58,271
but the thing is,
you can't sell your pizzas
522
00:24:58,271 --> 00:25:01,146
for nine bucks a pop without
taking a bath, can you?
523
00:25:01,146 --> 00:25:04,688
The reboxing,
the double delivery, ugh.
524
00:25:04,688 --> 00:25:07,188
You lose, what,
four bucks an order?
525
00:25:07,188 --> 00:25:10,104
(chuckles)
Five, actually.
526
00:25:10,104 --> 00:25:12,563
We're losing five bucks a pizza?
Yeah.
527
00:25:12,563 --> 00:25:15,063
Only temporarily. So, her
team is gonna optimize
528
00:25:15,063 --> 00:25:18,521
our order routing and allocation, and
then we'll be cash-flow positive.
529
00:25:18,521 --> 00:25:20,022
We can easily
turn it around
530
00:25:20,022 --> 00:25:21,521
before we run out of money.
Right.
531
00:25:21,521 --> 00:25:23,938
Yeah.
Unless a lot of people
532
00:25:23,938 --> 00:25:26,188
buy your pizza
very quickly.
533
00:25:26,188 --> 00:25:28,563
(phone beeps,
whooshes)
534
00:25:28,563 --> 00:25:29,813
What are...
what are you doing?
535
00:25:29,813 --> 00:25:32,354
Well, Duncan,
I can be a dickhead too.
536
00:25:32,354 --> 00:25:35,146
You see, I have $13 million
in my bank account
537
00:25:35,146 --> 00:25:40,480
and a very low payroll, which affords
me to buy a lot of tasty 'za
538
00:25:40,480 --> 00:25:43,229
before you can
turn it around.
539
00:25:44,104 --> 00:25:45,396
You're trying
to bankrupt us?
540
00:25:45,396 --> 00:25:48,313
No, Kira. I'm simply trying
to devalue your company,
541
00:25:48,313 --> 00:25:51,146
so that I can make
a low-ball acquisition offer
542
00:25:51,146 --> 00:25:52,480
which you cannot refuse.
543
00:25:52,480 --> 00:25:55,022
Richard, I'm just gonna
delete your account.
544
00:25:55,022 --> 00:25:57,229
You see, my engineers
already thought of that,
545
00:25:57,229 --> 00:25:59,271
and they worked up
a little botnet program.
546
00:25:59,271 --> 00:26:02,563
Thousands of fake users
indistinguishable from real ones
547
00:26:02,563 --> 00:26:05,271
geolocated perfectly
to maximize drive time
548
00:26:05,271 --> 00:26:08,897
and bleed your little
greasebag operation dry.
549
00:26:08,897 --> 00:26:10,938
You know, I may not
have that many coders,
550
00:26:10,938 --> 00:26:13,688
but the ones I do
are stallions,
551
00:26:13,688 --> 00:26:17,063
each one more magnificent
than the last.
552
00:26:17,063 --> 00:26:20,521
♪ ♪
553
00:26:20,521 --> 00:26:23,938
Monica: You spent
$19,000 on pizza?
554
00:26:23,938 --> 00:26:26,646
No, $19,000 on vengeance.
555
00:26:26,646 --> 00:26:30,146
You're acquiring Sliceline
who already acquired Optimoji?
556
00:26:30,146 --> 00:26:33,521
Richard, you're talking
about absorbing a staff of 50.
557
00:26:33,521 --> 00:26:35,063
How are you gonna
spin this to Laurie?
558
00:26:35,063 --> 00:26:36,772
Well, you said you'd
protect me from Laurie.
559
00:26:36,772 --> 00:26:38,980
I mean, she's your partner.
Are you afraid of her?
560
00:26:38,980 --> 00:26:40,480
Of course
I'm afraid of her.
561
00:26:40,480 --> 00:26:42,271
The woman got pregnant
just to prove to me
562
00:26:42,271 --> 00:26:44,521
that she could do it without
missing a day of work.
563
00:26:44,521 --> 00:26:46,980
Okay, fair enough, but maybe this
one time you could take my side.
564
00:26:46,980 --> 00:26:49,188
I cannot take your side. You're
asking for 50 employees.
565
00:26:49,188 --> 00:26:51,396
Think of the...
Sorry I am late.
566
00:26:51,396 --> 00:26:53,813
Hey, Laurie.
Did you, uh...
567
00:26:53,813 --> 00:26:56,897
Induce?
Yes, this morning...
568
00:26:56,897 --> 00:26:58,104
and here I am.
569
00:26:59,438 --> 00:27:00,980
So, Richard,
570
00:27:00,980 --> 00:27:02,438
I received your email.
571
00:27:02,438 --> 00:27:07,313
I understand you wish to acquire
a company called... Sliceline,
572
00:27:07,313 --> 00:27:11,188
which themselves recently acquired
a company called Optimoji.
573
00:27:11,188 --> 00:27:14,646
Yes, and I will be firing
both companies' CEOs
574
00:27:14,646 --> 00:27:19,313
and taking on a total engineering
team of about, uh, 50.
575
00:27:19,313 --> 00:27:20,480
Fifty?
576
00:27:21,646 --> 00:27:25,146
Monica, you are
okay with this?
577
00:27:25,146 --> 00:27:28,980
Well, it shortens
their runway significantly,
578
00:27:28,980 --> 00:27:31,480
but you did say that you
want them to grow, Laurie.
579
00:27:31,480 --> 00:27:34,480
Yes, but in this case
it seems...
580
00:27:34,480 --> 00:27:36,938
(sighs)
reckless.
581
00:27:36,938 --> 00:27:39,980
However, if you are
on top of it,
582
00:27:39,980 --> 00:27:41,605
Monica, then...
583
00:27:41,605 --> 00:27:43,271
(pen scratches)
584
00:27:43,271 --> 00:27:44,688
approved.
585
00:27:44,688 --> 00:27:46,146
Congratulations.
586
00:27:46,146 --> 00:27:49,730
Great. Thanks.
And congratulations to you too.
587
00:27:50,897 --> 00:27:51,897
On?
588
00:27:53,146 --> 00:27:55,521
On the... on your...
on your baby.
589
00:27:55,521 --> 00:27:56,521
Oh.
590
00:27:57,688 --> 00:28:02,772
♪ ♪
591
00:28:02,772 --> 00:28:05,855
This is awesome. Gavin is
essentially doubling-down
592
00:28:05,855 --> 00:28:07,855
on the very thing
we are destroying.
593
00:28:07,855 --> 00:28:09,188
It's like he's giving up.
594
00:28:09,188 --> 00:28:11,229
Maybe I should've ordered
the nicer Tesla.
595
00:28:11,229 --> 00:28:14,480
(people chattering)
596
00:28:14,480 --> 00:28:15,646
Dinesh: Ah.
597
00:28:15,646 --> 00:28:18,063
Oh gosh.
Everyone's here.
598
00:28:18,063 --> 00:28:19,855
Jared: Richard.
So many people.
599
00:28:19,855 --> 00:28:20,855
Richard.
600
00:28:21,855 --> 00:28:24,104
Hey. Hey.
601
00:28:24,104 --> 00:28:26,897
I thought you'd want to give
some opening remarks,
602
00:28:26,897 --> 00:28:28,605
you know, it being
the first day and all,
603
00:28:28,605 --> 00:28:30,063
just to set the tone.
604
00:28:31,521 --> 00:28:34,063
Ladies and gentlemen,
Richard Hendricks!
605
00:28:34,063 --> 00:28:35,354
(applause)
606
00:28:39,688 --> 00:28:41,063
(panicked breathing)
607
00:28:43,146 --> 00:28:44,938
(gulps)
Um...
608
00:28:44,938 --> 00:28:47,022
(gulps) Um...
609
00:28:47,022 --> 00:28:49,855
(stammers) Well, it's
great to have everybody
610
00:28:49,855 --> 00:28:54,063
and... so many... f... faces.
611
00:28:55,313 --> 00:28:59,855
We've got a lot of...
men and women here.
612
00:29:01,396 --> 00:29:02,396
And...
613
00:29:02,396 --> 00:29:03,688
(gulping)
614
00:29:05,104 --> 00:29:06,354
we should remember that.
615
00:29:08,813 --> 00:29:10,897
So, let's keep it clean.
616
00:29:10,897 --> 00:29:13,146
(gulps)
Um...
617
00:29:13,146 --> 00:29:15,605
it's always a challenge...
618
00:29:15,605 --> 00:29:17,605
(gulps)
to get it...
619
00:29:17,605 --> 00:29:21,063
I've got... I should probably...
more to say in a minute.
620
00:29:21,063 --> 00:29:23,271
I just have to go, one...
one second, in my office...
621
00:29:23,271 --> 00:29:27,104
(gulps)
and then we'll conclude.
622
00:29:27,104 --> 00:29:30,396
Uh, he just needs a second in his
office, then he's gonna come back.
623
00:29:34,938 --> 00:29:36,354
Oh God.
624
00:29:36,354 --> 00:29:38,980
Don't tell anyone, okay?
(spits)
625
00:29:38,980 --> 00:29:42,271
Um, Richard, I know...
I know money's tight,
626
00:29:42,271 --> 00:29:45,605
but I think I might invest in a
modesty panel for your desk.
627
00:29:45,605 --> 00:29:46,772
Richard: What?
628
00:29:48,146 --> 00:29:52,188
("The Monkey" plays)
629
00:29:52,188 --> 00:29:54,938
(gags, retches)
630
00:30:00,146 --> 00:30:02,104
♪ Yeah ♪
631
00:30:03,938 --> 00:30:07,646
♪ The monkey speaks his mind ♪
632
00:30:10,146 --> 00:30:16,146
♪ Now, three monkeys sat
in a coconut tree ♪
633
00:30:16,146 --> 00:30:20,188
♪ Discussing things
as they are said to be ♪
634
00:30:20,188 --> 00:30:24,480
♪ Said one to other,
Now listen, you two ♪
635
00:30:24,480 --> 00:30:29,104
♪ There's a certain rumor
that can't be true ♪
636
00:30:29,104 --> 00:30:33,480
♪ That man descended
our noble race ♪
637
00:30:33,480 --> 00:30:35,354
♪ Why, the very idea ♪
638
00:30:35,354 --> 00:30:37,730
♪ Is a big disgrace ♪
639
00:30:39,605 --> 00:30:41,188
♪ And here's another thing ♪
640
00:30:41,188 --> 00:30:44,521
♪ You will never see ♪
641
00:30:44,521 --> 00:30:46,396
♪ A monkey
building a fence ♪
642
00:30:46,396 --> 00:30:48,521
♪ Around a coconut tree ♪
643
00:30:49,438 --> 00:30:51,313
♪ And let the coconuts ♪
644
00:30:51,313 --> 00:30:53,354
♪ Go to waste ♪
645
00:30:53,354 --> 00:30:55,688
♪ Forbidding all
the monkeys ♪
646
00:30:55,688 --> 00:30:57,646
♪ To come and taste ♪