1
00:00:07,020 --> 00:00:09,350
I'll rip your dick off, you son of a bitch!
2
00:00:09,360 --> 00:00:11,470
My eye!
3
00:00:11,480 --> 00:00:13,680
On behalf of the entire Disrupt conference,
4
00:00:13,690 --> 00:00:18,470
I would like to apologize for what
happened out there this afternoon.
5
00:00:18,480 --> 00:00:21,530
This man will never be
asked to judge again.
6
00:00:21,540 --> 00:00:26,610
I've just learned he's been fired from
Oracle, and apparently his wife left him.
7
00:00:26,620 --> 00:00:31,450
Anyway, I just got a call from
your attorney, Mr. LaFlamme,
8
00:00:31,460 --> 00:00:36,749
informing me that in his view
this incident is... actionable.
9
00:00:36,750 --> 00:00:41,089
And in addition to holding
TechCrunch liable for any damages,
10
00:00:41,090 --> 00:00:43,210
which may include the loss to Pied Piper
11
00:00:43,220 --> 00:00:46,630
of potentially billions in
revenue and share value,
12
00:00:46,640 --> 00:00:51,670
uh, he be may naming me
personally in a lawsuit.
13
00:00:51,680 --> 00:00:56,810
So... I would like to propose that
we put this incident behind us,
14
00:00:56,820 --> 00:01:02,109
legally speaking, by sending Pied
Piper directly through to the finals
15
00:01:02,110 --> 00:01:06,940
of Start-Up Battlefield, where you
will compete for the grand prize.
16
00:01:06,950 --> 00:01:09,449
- How does that sound?
- I think that's...
17
00:01:09,450 --> 00:01:20,500
One question, uh, regarding
our hotel accommodations?
18
00:01:20,510 --> 00:01:24,620
Bam! Am I right, guys?
19
00:01:24,630 --> 00:01:28,040
I was just happy you
got punched in the face, Erlich,
20
00:01:28,050 --> 00:01:31,600
but now I'm super happy.
I feel like I won twice.
21
00:01:31,610 --> 00:01:35,630
I'm gonna disrupt this bathroom.
22
00:01:35,640 --> 00:01:39,550
I don't think this couch pulls out. I
guess I'll get myself a roll-away bed.
23
00:01:39,560 --> 00:01:43,470
I mean, you're welcome, guys. I had
to fuck a wife and take a punch,
24
00:01:43,480 --> 00:01:45,860
but now we get to go
into the finals tomorrow
25
00:01:45,870 --> 00:01:48,030
without having blown
our wad in the prelims.
26
00:01:48,040 --> 00:01:51,060
We're trending up, boys.
We are trending up.
27
00:01:51,070 --> 00:01:53,330
Maybe you're right. But we should probably
28
00:01:53,340 --> 00:01:55,650
get back down there and
check out the competition.
29
00:01:55,660 --> 00:01:58,820
Ladies and
gentlemen, Gavin Belson.
30
00:02:02,170 --> 00:02:05,730
No matter what you may
have heard, size matters.
31
00:02:05,740 --> 00:02:10,170
Welcome, everyone, to a
journey into the Nucleus.
32
00:02:10,180 --> 00:02:11,340
I hope this sucks.
33
00:02:11,350 --> 00:02:14,220
Nucleus will provide the
most diverse features
34
00:02:14,230 --> 00:02:16,760
ever assembled in a
cloud-based compression suite.
35
00:02:16,770 --> 00:02:20,190
Massive functionality, inter-connectivity,
36
00:02:20,200 --> 00:02:23,400
and the simplicity one has come
to expect from the Hooli family.
37
00:02:23,410 --> 00:02:27,900
We're making all your files available
for lightning-fast download.
38
00:02:27,910 --> 00:02:30,190
Accessible from any device.
39
00:02:30,200 --> 00:02:34,110
All these features will be
seamlessly synced to Hooli-mail,
40
00:02:34,120 --> 00:02:38,500
Hooli-search and the full
suite of Hooli computing power.
41
00:02:38,510 --> 00:02:40,750
That's a lot of functionality.
42
00:02:40,760 --> 00:02:43,450
Don't worry, he can't come
close to our Weissman score.
43
00:02:43,460 --> 00:02:47,090
Even with all this extra shit, it's
like a fancy car with a crappy engine.
44
00:02:47,100 --> 00:02:49,770
And now, for the moment of truth.
45
00:02:49,780 --> 00:02:57,010
As you will now see, our Weissman score
is the best in the history of compression.
46
00:02:57,020 --> 00:02:59,470
What the fuck?
47
00:02:59,480 --> 00:03:01,550
That's exactly the same score as us.
48
00:03:01,560 --> 00:03:06,060
Two-point-eight-nine. That is not an error.
49
00:03:06,070 --> 00:03:11,530
We are breathing rare air here, operating
at the limit for lossless compression
50
00:03:11,540 --> 00:03:14,230
in audio, video and data.
51
00:03:14,240 --> 00:03:19,079
Anyone who tells you that their platform is
faster than ours better have good lawyers.
52
00:03:19,080 --> 00:03:22,570
I hope you've enjoyed your
journey into the Nucleus.
53
00:03:22,580 --> 00:03:28,460
We have the speed. We have the
features. And we have... Shakira!
54
00:03:32,760 --> 00:03:36,340
Hola, TechCrunch!
55
00:03:41,730 --> 00:03:46,730
☯Synced & Corrected by Seppuku17☯
❃www.addic7ed.com❃
56
00:03:46,740 --> 00:03:52,520
I mean, they just completely reverse-
engineered our entire compression engine.
57
00:03:52,530 --> 00:03:54,190
He totally sniped us.
58
00:03:54,200 --> 00:03:56,240
- We'll be fine.
- What?
59
00:03:56,250 --> 00:03:59,910
They judge this contest on
viability in the marketplace.
60
00:03:59,920 --> 00:04:03,280
I mean, at best, we're a
worse version of Nucleus.
61
00:04:03,290 --> 00:04:06,080
I mean, they have 50 modules,
and they're all awesome.
62
00:04:06,090 --> 00:04:08,129
We have five that barely work.
63
00:04:08,130 --> 00:04:11,799
I mean, we're still have trouble compressing
3D files. Who's lining up to buy that?
64
00:04:11,800 --> 00:04:13,620
Who the fuck cares?
65
00:04:13,630 --> 00:04:17,760
So the platform can't handle 3D files.
You know what, 3D movies suck anyway.
66
00:04:17,770 --> 00:04:20,760
I could actually argue this
Gavin nonsense is a positive.
67
00:04:20,770 --> 00:04:21,671
Please don't.
68
00:04:21,672 --> 00:04:23,670
We just need to really dial it up for the big show tomorrow.
69
00:04:24,140 --> 00:04:25,850
Dial what up? He just ruined us.
70
00:04:25,860 --> 00:04:29,190
And until then, we need to do what any
animal in nature does when it's cornered,
71
00:04:29,200 --> 00:04:32,610
act erratically, and blindly
lash out at everything around us.
72
00:04:32,620 --> 00:04:34,280
I'm gonna go get in Gavin's head.
73
00:04:34,290 --> 00:04:38,450
Hey, guys, I just had a thought.
OK, so this is it, right?
74
00:04:38,460 --> 00:04:41,900
A lot of successful start-ups launched
with a different business model,
75
00:04:41,910 --> 00:04:44,900
and when they ran into trouble,
they pivoted to something new.
76
00:04:44,910 --> 00:04:48,830
Like Instagram. That was a location-based
check-in service when it started.
77
00:04:48,840 --> 00:04:49,999
And then they pivoted.
78
00:04:50,000 --> 00:04:52,460
Or Chat Roulette, OK,
that was social media,
79
00:04:52,470 --> 00:04:57,470
and then they pivoted to become a
playground for the sexually monstrous.
80
00:04:57,480 --> 00:05:00,420
We just need a new idea, something that
people want. Right? We can pivot, too.
81
00:05:00,430 --> 00:05:04,640
- Dude, you are fucked up right now.
- Yeah, you're pinning bad.
82
00:05:04,650 --> 00:05:06,430
Well, I'll admit, I'm sleep-challenged.
83
00:05:06,440 --> 00:05:09,680
I just spent four days trapped
in a steel box out on an oil rig
84
00:05:09,690 --> 00:05:11,150
full of robot-forklifts.
85
00:05:11,160 --> 00:05:13,900
So, that was hard, but I'm back.
86
00:05:13,910 --> 00:05:17,900
I am recovering and I am focused and
we're gonna pivot. Don't lose faith, guys.
87
00:05:17,910 --> 00:05:20,240
All right, look at me.
Look at me. Look at me.
88
00:05:20,250 --> 00:05:23,699
We've got a great name.
We've got a great team.
89
00:05:23,700 --> 00:05:26,330
We've got a great logo,
and we've got a great name.
90
00:05:26,340 --> 00:05:27,960
Now we just need an idea.
91
00:05:27,970 --> 00:05:33,040
Let's pivot! Let's pivot!
92
00:05:33,050 --> 00:05:35,540
That might be the last
time we see him alive.
93
00:05:35,550 --> 00:05:38,810
I think I'm just gonna take a walk
and, you know, try and clear my head.
94
00:05:38,820 --> 00:05:45,550
I'll see you guys back at the hotel
room and we'll figure out what to do.
95
00:05:45,560 --> 00:05:47,970
We're going to be poor.
96
00:05:47,980 --> 00:05:52,970
Hi! I'd like to talk to you about
a company called Pied Piper.
97
00:05:52,980 --> 00:05:54,440
What does it do? Good question.
98
00:05:54,450 --> 00:05:56,569
Maybe you can help us find an answer.
99
00:05:56,570 --> 00:06:00,560
What if Pied Piper was an app
that could attract rodents?
100
00:06:00,570 --> 00:06:02,120
You know, like the fairy tale?
101
00:06:02,130 --> 00:06:05,409
For purposes of extermination
or to feed your pet snake.
102
00:06:05,410 --> 00:06:08,370
We're not here to tell you
what to do with your rats,
103
00:06:08,380 --> 00:06:10,660
we're here to get your rats, STAT.
104
00:06:10,670 --> 00:06:13,890
Would you be very interested,
somewhat interested or not interested?
105
00:06:13,900 --> 00:06:20,470
Which one? Which one? Which one?
106
00:06:20,480 --> 00:06:24,890
Look at them, all full of hope. Pricks.
107
00:06:24,900 --> 00:06:27,390
Oh, look, Kwerpy's here recruiting.
108
00:06:27,400 --> 00:06:32,269
They just got 20 million in Series A
at a $280 million dollar valuation.
109
00:06:32,270 --> 00:06:36,109
- Wow.
- That could have been us.
110
00:06:36,110 --> 00:06:39,650
It's too bad we already have jobs,
we could easily go work there.
111
00:06:39,660 --> 00:06:45,660
Yeah. It'd be a real dickhead move
to bail on Richard now, right?
112
00:06:45,670 --> 00:06:49,530
I mean, before we officially go under.
113
00:06:49,540 --> 00:06:54,750
- Yeah. Yeah. Total dickhead move.
- Yeah. Yeah.
114
00:06:54,760 --> 00:06:57,620
Even though... it is just a matter of days.
115
00:06:57,630 --> 00:07:01,799
- And we are so close.
- I mean, he is standing right there.
116
00:07:01,800 --> 00:07:04,210
- But I'm not a dickhead.
- No. Neither am I.
117
00:07:04,220 --> 00:07:05,930
Yep, just a couple of non-dickheads.
118
00:07:05,940 --> 00:07:07,260
My dick and my head, totally separate.
119
00:07:07,270 --> 00:07:10,300
You've heard the phrase, "Time
to pay the piper," right?
120
00:07:10,310 --> 00:07:14,150
What if there was an app called
Pied Piper that could tell you,
121
00:07:14,160 --> 00:07:18,860
to a statistical degree of certainty,
whether you were going to heaven or hell?
122
00:07:18,870 --> 00:07:22,150
Very interested, somewhat
interested, not interested?
123
00:07:22,160 --> 00:07:25,320
Which one? Which one? Which one?
124
00:07:25,330 --> 00:07:28,740
So you made some really
over-the-top promises about Nucleus.
125
00:07:28,750 --> 00:07:30,650
- Can you deliver?
- Absolutely.
126
00:07:30,660 --> 00:07:35,240
For me, Kara, goodness, greatness,
these are not simply catch phrases,
127
00:07:35,250 --> 00:07:37,669
but, in fact, really the intention
of Hooli from the beginning.
128
00:07:37,670 --> 00:07:40,910
Gavin, you do not need to dignify
any of this with a response!
129
00:07:40,920 --> 00:07:44,120
I can speak for myself.
Erlich Bachman, Pied Piper.
130
00:07:44,130 --> 00:07:46,250
Was I brutally assaulted? Yes.
131
00:07:46,260 --> 00:07:49,510
Did Gavin Belson here have
anything to do with it? Unclear.
132
00:07:49,520 --> 00:07:54,480
All I know is that the rumor that
TechCrunch is all abuzz about is unproven.
133
00:07:54,490 --> 00:07:56,189
- Wait, what rumor?
- Thank you.
134
00:07:56,190 --> 00:07:58,570
Why would Gavin have
anything to do with this?
135
00:07:58,580 --> 00:08:03,770
Unless he had some reason to be frightened
by Pied Piper and it's superior technology?
136
00:08:03,780 --> 00:08:08,530
This and all other Gavin Belson
rumors are unsubstantiated.
137
00:08:08,540 --> 00:08:11,740
OK, the alcoholism, the
sexual impropriety at work,
138
00:08:11,750 --> 00:08:15,110
the impending crash of Hooli's stock...
139
00:08:15,120 --> 00:08:16,620
This is the most ridiculous...
140
00:08:16,630 --> 00:08:19,590
Exactly. So why repeat
the lascivious details,
141
00:08:19,600 --> 00:08:22,510
with which all of us are
undoubtedly already familiar?
142
00:08:22,520 --> 00:08:25,880
Guilty or not, Gavin, I stand with you.
143
00:08:25,890 --> 00:08:30,889
Care to comment?
144
00:08:30,890 --> 00:08:32,559
Let's keep moving, shall we?
145
00:08:32,560 --> 00:08:35,130
Yes, let's all keep moving.
Let's move on from this.
146
00:08:35,140 --> 00:08:39,520
I forgive you, Gavin. No matter
how brutally I was assaulted.
147
00:08:39,530 --> 00:08:42,440
Wow, Pied Piper sounds
like a great place to work.
148
00:08:42,450 --> 00:08:43,569
Oh, yeah, it is.
149
00:08:43,570 --> 00:08:45,900
Pied Piper is the best, right?
150
00:08:45,910 --> 00:08:48,870
Oh, my God, everyday feels like
I've died and gone to hell.
151
00:08:48,880 --> 00:08:50,150
I'm sorry.
152
00:08:50,160 --> 00:08:52,240
- He's a Satanist, so it's good.
- Mm-hmm.
153
00:08:52,250 --> 00:08:55,120
- Oh, fun.
- The point is, we love our company,
154
00:08:55,130 --> 00:08:56,710
and I don't have a problem
saying that out loud.
155
00:08:56,720 --> 00:08:58,410
- You...
- Love it.
156
00:08:58,420 --> 00:09:00,589
We both say it out loud
and I think that fact,
157
00:09:00,590 --> 00:09:04,580
proves that we're not dickheads.
158
00:09:04,590 --> 00:09:06,720
So what we wanted to ask you was...
159
00:09:06,730 --> 00:09:09,550
Guys?
160
00:09:09,560 --> 00:09:13,170
Totally between us, our beta crapped out.
161
00:09:13,180 --> 00:09:16,340
The VC's did a full clawback
and our Series A is DOA.
162
00:09:16,350 --> 00:09:21,180
We're going down. We have enough
runway for maybe two, three weeks max.
163
00:09:21,190 --> 00:09:31,820
So... do you guys think you could hire me?
164
00:09:31,830 --> 00:09:36,119
How much would it be worth to you if I
told you I had a GPS app called Pied Piper,
165
00:09:36,120 --> 00:09:37,780
tracking the location of your child?
166
00:09:37,790 --> 00:09:39,620
I can follow your child anywhere,
167
00:09:39,630 --> 00:09:41,900
and there is nothing you can do to stop me.
168
00:09:41,910 --> 00:09:44,460
Most missing children are never found.
169
00:09:44,470 --> 00:09:51,460
Interested, very interested,
or very interested?
170
00:09:51,470 --> 00:09:53,630
Richard. Hi...
171
00:09:53,640 --> 00:09:56,639
- Hey... suitcase. Yeah.
- Yeah.
172
00:09:56,640 --> 00:09:58,140
So you're...
173
00:09:58,150 --> 00:10:03,640
Peter called. He saw Erlich's
presentation, such as it was.
174
00:10:03,650 --> 00:10:05,940
And Gavin's.
175
00:10:05,950 --> 00:10:07,860
So he wants me to go back to Palo Alto.
176
00:10:07,870 --> 00:10:11,060
There's just a few other
things he wants me working on.
177
00:10:11,070 --> 00:10:14,320
Now that we're, you
know, dead in the water.
178
00:10:14,330 --> 00:10:17,570
Listen, I'm sorry you walked
away from the money like you did.
179
00:10:17,580 --> 00:10:19,926
But I swear I only wanted Peter to seed you
180
00:10:19,927 --> 00:10:22,339
because I thought you had a really great company.
181
00:10:22,340 --> 00:10:24,880
It just didn't work out for you this time.
182
00:10:24,890 --> 00:10:26,580
Uh... can I be honest with you?
183
00:10:26,590 --> 00:10:30,500
I haven't had more than two
straight hours of sleep in months.
184
00:10:30,510 --> 00:10:32,550
I've had a cold for, like, a year.
185
00:10:32,560 --> 00:10:36,670
My stomach cramps up so much
I feel like I'm menstruating.
186
00:10:36,680 --> 00:10:39,560
Maybe this is for the better.
187
00:10:39,570 --> 00:10:42,150
Look, I gotta go.
188
00:10:42,160 --> 00:10:44,930
I'm really sorry that we're not
gonna be working together anymore.
189
00:10:44,940 --> 00:10:47,100
Yeah, me too.
190
00:10:47,110 --> 00:10:50,520
I guess... I guess we
won't see each other again.
191
00:10:50,530 --> 00:10:54,490
Well, I mean, now that the rules
about socializing with co-workers
192
00:10:54,500 --> 00:10:58,530
aren't in effect anymore. Let me know
if you want to grab a drink sometime.
193
00:10:58,540 --> 00:11:02,420
What, like a "drink" drink?
194
00:11:02,430 --> 00:11:05,270
You go on dates with
failures?
195
00:11:05,280 --> 00:11:08,620
- Constantly.
- OK.
196
00:11:08,630 --> 00:11:15,210
- Uh... bye. OK.
- Bye.
197
00:11:15,220 --> 00:11:18,210
You have any weapons or drugs
on your person at this time?
198
00:11:18,220 --> 00:11:25,050
Why, yes. Yes, I do.
199
00:11:25,060 --> 00:11:28,640
Adderall. This is a highly controlled
substance. Are these yours?
200
00:11:28,650 --> 00:11:32,110
No! Those belong to an underage
kid that I brought to my house.
201
00:11:32,120 --> 00:11:35,409
Yeah, sir, I'm going to have
to ask you to come with me.
202
00:11:35,410 --> 00:11:38,320
That's a kind invitation, but I
have too much to do. I'm pivoting!
203
00:11:38,330 --> 00:11:40,870
- Let's go now!
- No. I'm pivoting! I'm pivoting!
204
00:11:40,880 --> 00:11:43,749
I'm pivoting!
205
00:11:43,750 --> 00:11:47,540
I mean, what do we even present tomorrow?
206
00:11:47,550 --> 00:11:48,780
Honestly, anyone?
207
00:11:48,790 --> 00:11:50,300
Why do we have to present at all?
208
00:11:50,310 --> 00:11:51,910
What's that supposed to mean?
209
00:11:51,920 --> 00:11:53,770
If we are going to fail and
be humiliated, why do it
210
00:11:53,780 --> 00:11:56,750
on stage in front of 1,000 people
and a live-streamed audience?
211
00:11:56,760 --> 00:11:58,740
Are you saying we shouldn't even show up?
212
00:11:58,750 --> 00:12:02,280
No offense, but it's basically
going to be a public execution.
213
00:12:02,290 --> 00:12:04,690
Yes, and public executions
are very popular.
214
00:12:04,700 --> 00:12:07,510
It's show business. We
are not quitting, Richard.
215
00:12:07,520 --> 00:12:12,520
Look, Erlich, I want to present,
I do, it's just... I don't know.
216
00:12:16,950 --> 00:12:19,119
Jesus, are you OK?
217
00:12:19,120 --> 00:12:21,910
What? Yeah, I... OK.
218
00:12:21,920 --> 00:12:23,580
Yeah, all good. They let me go.
219
00:12:23,590 --> 00:12:26,670
- Who let you go?
- When was the last time you slept, Jared?
220
00:12:26,680 --> 00:12:30,870
Absolutely, David. What are
we talking about, gents?
221
00:12:30,880 --> 00:12:33,840
We're talking about how I didn't
get to present in the prelims,
222
00:12:33,850 --> 00:12:35,911
because I was too busy getting my face
pummeled
223
00:12:35,912 --> 00:12:37,549
so that our team could move forward.
224
00:12:37,550 --> 00:12:39,180
That's why we're presenting tomorrow.
225
00:12:39,190 --> 00:12:41,510
And you know what? We're going to win.
226
00:12:41,520 --> 00:12:45,640
Yeah, we're gonna win even if I have to go
into the auditorium and personally jerk off
227
00:12:45,650 --> 00:12:46,600
every guy in the audience.
228
00:12:46,610 --> 00:12:49,720
That's a lot of jerking.
229
00:12:49,730 --> 00:12:52,910
And we only have ten
minutes to present. So...
230
00:12:52,920 --> 00:12:57,480
So, we're fucked, aren't we?
231
00:12:57,490 --> 00:13:01,800
Yeah, even if he's jerking two at a time,
there are, what, 800 guys in that room?
232
00:13:01,810 --> 00:13:04,900
So that's 400 times whatever
the mean jerk-time is.
233
00:13:04,910 --> 00:13:07,240
- The what?
- Mean jerk-time.
234
00:13:07,250 --> 00:13:09,330
I mean, it doesn't matter,
but, hypothetically,
235
00:13:09,340 --> 00:13:12,530
time is equal to 400 total
jerks at a two-dick rate.
236
00:13:12,540 --> 00:13:16,670
Unless Erlich jerks off four guys at a
time, and then we can cut that in half.
237
00:13:16,680 --> 00:13:21,420
How would he do four guys...? He's got two
hands, so that's two dicks at a time, right?
238
00:13:21,430 --> 00:13:24,920
Look, you have two guys on either
side with their dicks, tip to tip,
239
00:13:24,930 --> 00:13:28,310
so you're going full-length. Four, see?
240
00:13:28,320 --> 00:13:31,480
- Oh...
- From the middle out. That does make sense.
241
00:13:31,490 --> 00:13:34,306
- Like two Shake Weights?
- Yeah, so what we're trying to do,
242
00:13:34,307 --> 00:13:38,240
hypothetically, is minimize time, which is 800 dudes,
243
00:13:38,250 --> 00:13:42,610
multiplied by mean-jerk time,
divided by four dicks at a time.
244
00:13:42,620 --> 00:13:43,801
Of course, Erlich would have to
245
00:13:43,802 --> 00:13:45,800
pre-sort
guys by height, so that their dicks lined up.
246
00:13:47,010 --> 00:13:48,330
Not by height, technically.
247
00:13:48,340 --> 00:13:52,000
The measurement that we're looking
for, really, is dick to floor.
248
00:13:52,010 --> 00:13:53,920
Call that D2F.
249
00:13:53,930 --> 00:13:56,510
- Huh.
- Oh, my God.
250
00:13:56,520 --> 00:13:58,510
You know, if a guy's dick was long enough,
251
00:13:58,520 --> 00:14:02,960
it would be able to reach up or down
to another guy with a different D2F.
252
00:14:02,970 --> 00:14:06,550
The longer the dick, the
greater the D2F bridge,
253
00:14:06,560 --> 00:14:10,520
but I would still be able to jerk
it off in one smooth motion...
254
00:14:10,530 --> 00:14:12,440
I'd just have to jerk it on an angle.
255
00:14:12,450 --> 00:14:14,819
So D2F sub-1 needs to equal D2F
sub-2,
256
00:14:14,820 --> 00:14:16,989
and D2F sub-3 needs to equal D2F sub-4,
257
00:14:16,990 --> 00:14:21,060
where length L creates a
complimentary shaft angle.
258
00:14:26,810 --> 00:14:29,520
I'm such an idiot. Middle out!
259
00:14:29,530 --> 00:14:32,980
Middle out! Middle out! Oh, my God.
260
00:14:32,990 --> 00:14:36,900
How could I...? Uh...
261
00:14:36,910 --> 00:14:40,120
Guys, does girth-similarity
affect Erlich's ability
262
00:14:40,130 --> 00:14:46,290
to jerk different dicks simultaneously?
263
00:14:46,300 --> 00:14:48,710
Shit. Yeah, I think it would.
264
00:15:00,650 --> 00:15:06,090
Of course, it does. Time to orgasm, or T2O,
265
00:15:06,100 --> 00:15:07,850
has to be the same for
each matching pair of dicks
266
00:15:07,860 --> 00:15:10,810
otherwise I'm wasting a lot of great
strokes on a guy that's already busted.
267
00:15:10,820 --> 00:15:15,490
Unless you can hotswap dicks in and out.
So on a downstroke, you get a new one in.
268
00:15:15,500 --> 00:15:17,570
So when you stroke up you're
not wasting any energy.
269
00:15:17,580 --> 00:15:20,530
Even so. I think this is the
most reliable metric for stamina.
270
00:15:20,540 --> 00:15:26,369
Guys? Richard's been locked in here for
almost two hours. Do we think he's OK?
271
00:15:26,370 --> 00:15:28,330
Hmm. You don't think he'd...
272
00:15:28,340 --> 00:15:32,700
He did seem pretty bummed out.
273
00:16:09,500 --> 00:16:10,740
All right, guys, let's go.
274
00:16:10,750 --> 00:16:12,410
- The finals are starting.
- Up!
275
00:16:12,420 --> 00:16:13,530
Gilfoyle!
276
00:16:13,540 --> 00:16:16,830
Jesus!
277
00:16:16,840 --> 00:16:19,250
What happened to the door?
278
00:16:19,260 --> 00:16:21,250
Don't worry about it, Richard,
is the platform up and running?
279
00:16:21,260 --> 00:16:24,340
I made a few changes, but yeah...
280
00:16:24,350 --> 00:16:27,220
OK, tell me on the walk. All
right, you dildos, let's go!
281
00:16:27,230 --> 00:16:29,980
All right, talk to me, Richard.
What were you working on last night?
282
00:16:29,990 --> 00:16:31,939
Well, uh, I might've made a breakthrough.
283
00:16:31,940 --> 00:16:33,430
Really, so everything is working?
284
00:16:33,440 --> 00:16:48,840
Uh, technically, no.
285
00:17:05,560 --> 00:17:08,800
Let's face it, ladies, is
there anything less sexy
286
00:17:08,810 --> 00:17:12,640
than when a user's visualization
UX is completely sub-optimal?
287
00:17:12,650 --> 00:17:14,649
I mean, it's the worst, right?
288
00:17:14,650 --> 00:17:17,220
So we've gone through all the
research and all the steps.
289
00:17:17,230 --> 00:17:18,886
We have a solution for these problems
290
00:17:18,887 --> 00:17:20,880
and
Zenella is ready to bring it to the marketplace.
291
00:17:21,150 --> 00:17:23,310
Yeah, I get it, Richard. You changed a lot.
292
00:17:23,320 --> 00:17:25,280
Just give me the basics
and I can roll with it.
293
00:17:25,290 --> 00:17:26,730
I need to know what I'm presenting here.
294
00:17:26,740 --> 00:17:28,490
I don't think I have
time to explain it all.
295
00:17:28,500 --> 00:17:30,290
What the hell does that mean?
296
00:17:30,300 --> 00:17:33,040
Richard? Is this the right build?
I can't find the mobile suite here.
297
00:17:33,050 --> 00:17:36,130
Uh, it is nowhere. I deleted it.
298
00:17:36,140 --> 00:17:37,500
- What?
- Here they are.
299
00:17:37,510 --> 00:17:39,660
- Pied Piper's here.
- Sorry we're late.
300
00:17:39,670 --> 00:17:41,500
Richard, talk to me.
301
00:17:41,510 --> 00:17:43,280
I can't front a band without
knowing what we're playing?
302
00:17:43,290 --> 00:17:48,010
Uh... I'm think I'm just going
to do the presentation myself.
303
00:17:48,020 --> 00:17:50,260
Wait, what? No, no, no, Richard,
Richard, Richard, Richard.
304
00:17:50,270 --> 00:17:53,010
Respectfully... Respectfully,
you're terrible.
305
00:17:53,020 --> 00:17:55,350
You have world class showman
standing right in front of you
306
00:17:55,360 --> 00:17:56,510
and you're going to pass on that?
307
00:17:56,520 --> 00:17:59,029
Release me, Richard. Release the Kraken!
308
00:17:59,030 --> 00:18:02,350
- Pied Piper. You're on.
- This is it!
309
00:18:02,360 --> 00:18:04,020
I don't know
what you did, Richard,
310
00:18:04,030 --> 00:18:06,940
- but I hope it works.
- Me, too.
311
00:18:06,950 --> 00:18:09,860
All right, let's welcome
our final team to the finals
312
00:18:09,870 --> 00:18:13,330
of this year's TechCrunch
Disrupt Start-Up Battlefield.
313
00:18:13,340 --> 00:18:16,700
Presenting for Pied
Piper is Erlich Bachman.
314
00:18:22,180 --> 00:18:25,840
Uh... actually there has
been a change of plans.
315
00:18:25,850 --> 00:18:29,510
Presenting for Pied Piper
will be Richard Hendricks.
316
00:18:35,400 --> 00:18:39,060
Richard?
317
00:18:39,070 --> 00:18:42,110
Sorry. Got a little
light-headed there for a second.
318
00:18:42,120 --> 00:18:45,400
I set 'em up for you, now knock 'em down.
319
00:18:45,410 --> 00:18:48,980
I don't understand. I
thought he made the platform better.
320
00:18:48,990 --> 00:18:52,370
- He just deleted everything.
- Maybe he moved it to the cloud?
321
00:18:52,380 --> 00:18:55,240
No. All The Carver's work is gone.
322
00:18:55,250 --> 00:18:58,740
Pied Piper is a cloud based compression.
Without the cloud, nothing's left.
323
00:18:58,750 --> 00:19:03,460
Gentlemen, this is likely the last ten
minutes of Pied Piper, so let's enjoy it.
324
00:19:03,470 --> 00:19:05,420
- Has he lost his mind?
- He's lost his fucking mind.
325
00:19:05,430 --> 00:19:08,330
Hello... Hello. Hello.
326
00:19:08,340 --> 00:19:11,760
Um... I am... My name is Richard Hendricks,
327
00:19:11,770 --> 00:19:16,640
and I am, along with this guy, him, him...
328
00:19:16,650 --> 00:19:20,900
and another guy that has disappeared...
329
00:19:20,910 --> 00:19:26,600
Uh... um... We are Pied
Piper. A compression company.
330
00:19:26,610 --> 00:19:29,070
Well, you know, in your
pamphlets it says that we are
331
00:19:29,080 --> 00:19:33,110
a cloud based multi-platform solution
for user-focused compression.
332
00:19:33,120 --> 00:19:36,700
And we were. Until yesterday.
333
00:19:36,710 --> 00:19:41,000
But now we are not.
334
00:19:41,010 --> 00:19:43,250
Uh, because you see, Hooli
335
00:19:43,260 --> 00:19:46,420
did everything that we were
tying to do, better, way better.
336
00:19:46,430 --> 00:19:48,620
Um...
337
00:19:48,630 --> 00:19:54,300
Nucleus is built on the same engine
as ours, like exactly the same,
338
00:19:54,310 --> 00:19:57,970
and their Weissman score
was 2.89, same as ours.
339
00:19:57,980 --> 00:20:02,440
But the thing is, they built a ton of
really great stuff up on top of that.
340
00:20:02,450 --> 00:20:06,390
And we can't compete, so now
we have to be something else.
341
00:20:06,400 --> 00:20:08,890
Um... well-played, Hooli.
342
00:20:08,900 --> 00:20:14,870
Uh, OK, so anyway, we all
know that the most obvious way
343
00:20:14,880 --> 00:20:18,620
to compress files is with
Shannon coding, right? Top down.
344
00:20:18,630 --> 00:20:21,460
Richard, they can't see
that, it's too small.
345
00:20:21,470 --> 00:20:23,160
- OK.
- Literally, hundreds of people here.
346
00:20:23,170 --> 00:20:26,410
Oh, no, but I need...
347
00:20:26,420 --> 00:20:27,860
Shit, OK.
348
00:20:27,870 --> 00:20:31,170
Um... right, oh.
349
00:20:31,180 --> 00:20:35,179
Uh, so Shannon coding and
then David Huffman came along,
350
00:20:35,180 --> 00:20:40,060
and he pioneered bottom up, and
Lempel-Ziv with left to right, obviously.
351
00:20:40,070 --> 00:20:42,850
And for decades, we used
these codes to compress,
352
00:20:42,860 --> 00:20:46,600
you know, JPEGs, MPEGs,
MP3s, zips, all that stuff.
353
00:20:46,610 --> 00:20:51,699
But we all know that, so there's
no point in talking about it.
354
00:20:51,700 --> 00:20:57,580
But what happened was, last night I was
watching my friends here have this argument.
355
00:20:57,590 --> 00:21:01,860
About, you know, manipulating... data...
356
00:21:01,870 --> 00:21:04,670
And, you know, how many datas
357
00:21:04,680 --> 00:21:08,450
could one guy manipulate at once and, uh...
358
00:21:09,730 --> 00:21:12,210
And I was just... I was thinking.
359
00:21:12,220 --> 00:21:13,790
Maybe it could be another way, you know?
360
00:21:13,800 --> 00:21:16,719
Something that I would call, "middle out".
361
00:21:16,720 --> 00:21:21,350
It's up and down, back and forth all
at the same time going on at once.
362
00:21:21,360 --> 00:21:25,270
OK, well, anyway, I deleted
all our modules last night,
363
00:21:25,280 --> 00:21:28,210
and I completely rebuilt our
engine, from scratch last night.
364
00:21:28,220 --> 00:21:29,710
Um...
365
00:21:29,720 --> 00:21:33,739
Now, this morning I really only
had enough time to do one test,
366
00:21:33,740 --> 00:21:41,579
and when I did, we hit
a Weissman score of 3.8.
367
00:21:41,580 --> 00:21:45,240
Now, I know the theoretical limit was 2.9,
368
00:21:45,250 --> 00:21:50,880
- but as you can see here...
- I'm sorry. You scored a 3.8?
369
00:21:50,890 --> 00:21:52,880
Uh... Yes, sir.
370
00:21:52,890 --> 00:21:55,380
And this is a universal
lossless compression engine?
371
00:21:55,390 --> 00:21:58,750
- Text? Audio? Video?
- Yes, that is correct.
372
00:21:58,760 --> 00:22:02,340
Well, I'm sorry to interrupt your
eloquent presentation, Richard.
373
00:22:02,350 --> 00:22:05,939
But, rather than say anything more,
why don't we just give you a file
374
00:22:05,940 --> 00:22:08,230
and we'll see whether this thing
can do what you say it does.
375
00:22:08,240 --> 00:22:11,940
Because if it can't, then
we're done here, right?
376
00:22:11,950 --> 00:22:13,650
Yeah. Yeah, that's fair.
377
00:22:13,660 --> 00:22:15,949
So we can give you any kind of
file and you can compress it,
378
00:22:15,950 --> 00:22:19,440
without degradation, at
this standard? Three-eight?
379
00:22:19,450 --> 00:22:22,180
Yes... yep.
380
00:22:22,190 --> 00:22:25,160
All right, give us a minute, please.
381
00:22:25,170 --> 00:22:32,350
- What do we got?
- Does anyone have anything?
382
00:22:32,360 --> 00:22:35,260
- Do you have something?
- I've got a file for him.
383
00:22:35,270 --> 00:22:37,540
OK. Andy Stafford here has a file for you.
384
00:22:37,550 --> 00:22:40,960
- OK.
- It's a 132 gigabytes un-compressed,
385
00:22:40,970 --> 00:22:46,270
and it's a 3D video file.
386
00:22:46,280 --> 00:22:49,070
OK.
387
00:22:49,080 --> 00:22:50,970
Shit...
388
00:22:50,980 --> 00:22:53,230
- A fucking 3D file?
- Yes.
389
00:22:53,240 --> 00:22:56,730
- Are you fucking kidding me?
- Goddammit.
390
00:22:56,740 --> 00:22:59,900
- Can we handle this?
- I guess we'll find out.
391
00:22:59,910 --> 00:23:11,790
Dammit, I hope this works.
392
00:23:11,800 --> 00:23:13,380
Shit... it's hung.
393
00:23:13,390 --> 00:23:16,550
Oh, no.
394
00:23:16,560 --> 00:23:18,420
Is it stuck?
395
00:23:18,430 --> 00:23:22,090
There is a time limit, you
have two minutes remaining.
396
00:23:22,100 --> 00:23:26,180
Come on, come on, come on...
397
00:23:27,520 --> 00:23:29,480
It looks like it's done.
398
00:23:29,490 --> 00:23:32,010
Wait, 24 gigs? What happened?
399
00:23:32,020 --> 00:23:34,859
Oh... shit, there's no way.
400
00:23:34,860 --> 00:23:38,270
It didn't compress the whole thing.
It should be twice that size.
401
00:23:38,280 --> 00:23:42,110
I mean, 24 gigs, that's less
than a fourth the file size.
402
00:23:42,120 --> 00:23:43,699
That seems dubious, Richard.
403
00:23:43,700 --> 00:23:47,080
Why don't we run a Weissman test for
verification, see where we went wrong.
404
00:23:47,090 --> 00:23:56,620
OK, I mean it shouldn't take too long,
it only compressed half the fucking file.
405
00:23:56,630 --> 00:23:59,120
I'm sorry. I shouldn't have
rewritten all this code.
406
00:23:59,130 --> 00:24:01,049
I mean, what we had before worked.
407
00:24:01,050 --> 00:24:04,059
I'm sorry, guys. Gavin won. We lost.
408
00:24:04,060 --> 00:24:10,100
At least it didn't happen in a
public and brutally embarrassing way.
409
00:24:10,110 --> 00:24:16,390
- Thanks, Gilfoyle.
- Yeah.
410
00:24:16,400 --> 00:24:19,030
Wait a second. What's happening?
411
00:24:19,040 --> 00:24:24,650
There's no errors, look!
412
00:24:25,790 --> 00:24:28,870
- Five-point-two? How, how...?
- Wait, what?
413
00:24:28,880 --> 00:24:31,579
Wait, it
compressed the whole file?
414
00:24:31,580 --> 00:24:33,240
That's the whole file.
415
00:24:33,250 --> 00:24:36,410
It's just half the size
I thought it would be.
416
00:24:36,420 --> 00:24:40,120
Ladies and gentlemen, obviously we're
going to keep looking at this to verify,
417
00:24:40,130 --> 00:24:44,970
but with a confirmed score of 5.2,
Pied Piper appears to have just doubled
418
00:24:44,980 --> 00:24:47,890
the best Weissman score
ever measured. Doubled it!
419
00:24:47,900 --> 00:24:49,930
Pied Piper, ladies and gentlemen!
420
00:24:49,940 --> 00:24:53,100
Let's hear it for them!
421
00:24:53,110 --> 00:24:55,230
Holy shit!
422
00:24:55,240 --> 00:24:57,279
Hey, I'm at TechCrunch.
423
00:24:57,280 --> 00:25:00,600
This kid Hendricks and Pied
Piper just ran a two minute mile.
424
00:25:00,610 --> 00:25:01,940
We should get on this, now.
425
00:25:01,950 --> 00:25:07,119
Suck it, Gavin Belson!
426
00:25:07,120 --> 00:25:08,830
Hendricks, you beautiful bastard!
427
00:25:08,840 --> 00:25:11,530
I told you we'd do it! Come on!
428
00:25:11,540 --> 00:25:13,670
We're not going to be poor!
429
00:25:13,680 --> 00:25:16,590
What happened? What
happened? What happened?
430
00:25:16,600 --> 00:25:17,950
Uh, we just won the cup!
431
00:25:21,850 --> 00:25:26,010
And I don't think it comes as any shock
that the winner of this year's Disrupt Cup
432
00:25:26,020 --> 00:25:33,650
and $50,000, like they're going
to need it, is Pied Piper.
433
00:25:33,660 --> 00:25:35,390
So Richard wrote the code?
434
00:25:35,400 --> 00:25:39,560
Richard wrote the code, yes,
but the inspiration was clear.
435
00:25:39,570 --> 00:25:41,319
Let me ask you something.
436
00:25:41,320 --> 00:25:45,900
How fast do you think you could
jack off every guy in this room?
437
00:25:45,910 --> 00:25:47,620
'Cause I know how long it would take me.
438
00:25:47,630 --> 00:25:48,990
And I can prove it.
439
00:25:49,000 --> 00:25:50,650
- Nice.
- Thank you so much.
440
00:25:50,660 --> 00:25:51,650
I don't fully understand it
441
00:25:51,660 --> 00:25:53,160
but I would definitely like to invest.
442
00:25:53,170 --> 00:25:54,990
- Oh, great.
- Really impressed.
443
00:25:55,000 --> 00:25:56,290
I really want to get you
in front of my partners.
444
00:25:56,300 --> 00:25:58,339
- Really soon.
- Oh wow. I appreciate that, guys.
445
00:25:58,340 --> 00:26:00,460
Well, hopefully we'll
talk to each other soon.
446
00:26:00,470 --> 00:26:01,380
- Thanks.
- Thanks.
447
00:26:01,390 --> 00:26:03,630
- Hey!
- Monica!
448
00:26:03,640 --> 00:26:06,670
Congratulations! You were amazing up there.
449
00:26:06,680 --> 00:26:08,679
- Thank you.
- I just spoke with Peter.
450
00:26:08,680 --> 00:26:12,980
He watched the live-stream via satellite
and said he was "not unpleased".
451
00:26:12,990 --> 00:26:15,689
Oh, yeah, that's great.
452
00:26:15,690 --> 00:26:19,400
So I guess we're back to
working together, huh?
453
00:26:19,410 --> 00:26:24,850
Yeah. Yeah, I guess so.
454
00:26:24,860 --> 00:26:26,940
It's gonna get pretty
insane for you, Richard.
455
00:26:26,950 --> 00:26:28,259
- Yeah.
- You're going to have more
456
00:26:28,260 --> 00:26:29,851
offers of funding than you're going to know
457
00:26:29,852 --> 00:26:31,419
- what to do with.
- Yeah.
458
00:26:31,420 --> 00:26:33,326
You're going to have to grow a business,
hire a staff,
459
00:26:33,327 --> 00:26:35,320
rent offices, get an assistant.
460
00:26:35,760 --> 00:26:38,920
Peter is going to be a lot more
hands on and a lot tougher on you.
461
00:26:38,930 --> 00:26:42,090
People may take credit for
your idea and try and sue you.
462
00:26:42,100 --> 00:26:45,090
- How awesome is that?
- Uh... yeah, that's awesome.
463
00:26:45,100 --> 00:26:47,130
I mean, if you thought it was
crazy getting to this point,
464
00:26:47,140 --> 00:26:49,331
- you're not going to believe what it turns into from here.
465
00:26:49,332 --> 00:26:51,441
- Right.
- I mean pretty soon, you could be managing
466
00:26:51,442 --> 00:26:54,639
thousands of employees who are all looking up to you.
467
00:26:54,640 --> 00:26:57,100
Gavin Belson, he's not
going away anytime soon.
468
00:26:57,110 --> 00:27:00,229
- Mmm.
- But it's going to be amazing.
469
00:27:00,230 --> 00:27:12,579
Excuse me a second.
470
00:27:12,580 --> 00:27:14,800
Oh, Jesus.
471
00:27:18,550 --> 00:27:23,550
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