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The greatness of human accomplishment
has always been measured by size.
2
00:00:11,360 --> 00:00:13,270
The bigger, the better.
3
00:00:13,280 --> 00:00:14,740
Until now.
4
00:00:14,750 --> 00:00:16,490
Nanotech.
5
00:00:16,500 --> 00:00:18,110
Smart cars.
6
00:00:18,120 --> 00:00:22,700
Small is the new big.
7
00:00:22,710 --> 00:00:25,540
In the coming months,
Hooli will deliver Nucleus,
8
00:00:25,550 --> 00:00:30,240
the most sophisticated compression
software platform the world has ever seen.
9
00:00:30,250 --> 00:00:34,760
Because if we can make your
audio and video files smaller,
10
00:00:34,770 --> 00:00:40,430
we can make cancer smaller.
And hunger. And AIDS.
11
00:00:40,440 --> 00:00:42,190
What an asshole.
12
00:00:42,200 --> 00:00:45,470
Why would he announce it so far
ahead of the actual rollout?
13
00:00:45,480 --> 00:00:46,890
No one does that.
14
00:00:46,900 --> 00:00:48,890
He's got to be doing it
just to fuck with us, right?
15
00:00:48,900 --> 00:00:51,440
I actually think we're
ok. The player I gave them
16
00:00:51,450 --> 00:00:53,450
was from a retired repository
that was audio only.
17
00:00:53,460 --> 00:00:55,230
Video compression is a
completely different paradigm.
18
00:00:55,240 --> 00:00:58,490
What they have is like Pied
Piper, but not as good.
19
00:00:58,500 --> 00:01:01,240
- People will see that.
- Not if they get to market before us.
20
00:01:01,250 --> 00:01:03,460
Inferior products win out all the time.
21
00:01:03,470 --> 00:01:06,130
Like Jesus over Satan.
22
00:01:06,140 --> 00:01:08,669
I was going to say VHS over Beta.
23
00:01:08,670 --> 00:01:12,170
Ok, well, actually this is a
superior product, right here.
24
00:01:12,180 --> 00:01:13,880
Is it a margarita machine?
25
00:01:13,890 --> 00:01:15,500
It's better.
26
00:01:15,510 --> 00:01:19,840
My first official purchase
as CEO of Pied Piper.
27
00:01:19,850 --> 00:01:21,890
That's not really our logo is it?
28
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It looks like a guy sucking a dick
29
00:01:24,600 --> 00:01:26,650
and he's got another dick
tucked behind his ear for later.
30
00:01:26,660 --> 00:01:29,980
- Like a snack dick. It does.
- No, it's... it's Pied Pipe...
31
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Here, put them on.
32
00:01:31,110 --> 00:01:33,000
Gilfoyle, come on.
33
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I don't want it.
34
00:01:34,370 --> 00:01:37,770
Jared, I bought these
t-shirts with my credit card
35
00:01:37,780 --> 00:01:39,610
but I think I'm close to
being maxed out, so...
36
00:01:39,620 --> 00:01:42,530
Yeah, um, we may have
a little problem there.
37
00:01:42,540 --> 00:01:44,860
Peter Gregory's check. So?
38
00:01:44,870 --> 00:01:47,200
So, it's made out to
"Pied Piper Incorporated,"
39
00:01:47,210 --> 00:01:48,950
I checked with the
Secretary of State website,
40
00:01:48,960 --> 00:01:52,590
and there's already a "Pied
Piper" operating in California.
41
00:01:52,600 --> 00:01:54,880
So we need to change our name.
42
00:01:54,890 --> 00:01:57,710
- Thank God!
- Praise the dark lord, that's great news.
43
00:01:57,720 --> 00:02:00,180
No, it's not great news. We
love the name Pied Piper.
44
00:02:00,190 --> 00:02:01,680
It's a classic fairy tale.
45
00:02:01,690 --> 00:02:02,850
Well, I looked it up.
46
00:02:02,860 --> 00:02:04,390
It's about a predatory flautist
47
00:02:04,400 --> 00:02:05,850
who murders children in a cave.
48
00:02:05,860 --> 00:02:08,970
It has all of that going for it,
Richard, and I still hate it.
49
00:02:08,980 --> 00:02:12,280
Richard, if we are going to change
the name, we need to do it now.
50
00:02:12,290 --> 00:02:17,150
Names stick. My name's only Jared because
Gavin called me that on my first day.
51
00:02:17,160 --> 00:02:18,450
My real name is Donald.
52
00:02:18,460 --> 00:02:21,320
But, Jared, we already bought the t-shirts.
53
00:02:21,330 --> 00:02:23,620
I can't take these back.
It was an online order.
54
00:02:23,630 --> 00:02:25,120
What is that atrocity?
55
00:02:25,130 --> 00:02:27,120
What are we, an Irish pornography company?
56
00:02:27,130 --> 00:02:30,080
I thought we were gonna
replace the name "Pied Piper."
57
00:02:30,090 --> 00:02:31,750
I thought it was a Place Holder.
58
00:02:31,760 --> 00:02:34,710
"PlaceHolder" would honestly be
a better name than Pied Piper.
59
00:02:34,720 --> 00:02:38,220
Richard, I've actually been holding
off telling people I'm the co-founder
60
00:02:38,230 --> 00:02:40,429
of "Pied Piper" because frankly,
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00:02:40,430 --> 00:02:42,560
it's a little embarrassing.
62
00:02:42,570 --> 00:02:47,490
Well, um, just to remind you,
you are not the co-founder.
63
00:02:47,500 --> 00:02:49,480
So please don't tell anyone.
64
00:02:49,490 --> 00:02:54,440
Richard, take Aviato. That's not a
name I found, it's a name that found me
65
00:02:54,450 --> 00:02:55,940
on a vision quest.
66
00:02:55,950 --> 00:02:57,109
Something that you should do.
67
00:02:57,110 --> 00:02:59,090
No, no. I'm not gonna eat a bunch of drugs
68
00:02:59,100 --> 00:03:00,490
and sit out in the desert,
69
00:03:00,500 --> 00:03:02,330
and hope some name
randomly pops in my head.
70
00:03:02,340 --> 00:03:04,190
Well, then I question your leadership.
71
00:03:04,200 --> 00:03:07,119
Richard, a name defines a company.
72
00:03:07,120 --> 00:03:12,450
It has to be something primal, something
that you can scream out during intercourse.
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00:03:12,460 --> 00:03:15,290
Like Aviato.
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00:03:15,300 --> 00:03:18,260
Uuuuber!
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00:03:18,270 --> 00:03:20,840
Gooooogle!
76
00:03:20,850 --> 00:03:22,960
Huuuuuulu!
77
00:03:22,970 --> 00:03:30,640
Exactly, right. Pied Piper!
78
00:03:30,650 --> 00:03:36,280
I'm so sorry. Your voice doesn't really reach
that register when you ejaculate, does it?
79
00:03:36,290 --> 00:03:39,900
No, it's just, everyone was
doing it, I was just chiming in.
80
00:03:45,590 --> 00:03:54,000
☯Synced & Corrected by Seppuku17☯
❃www.addic7ed.com❃
81
00:03:54,490 --> 00:03:56,960
You guys, we can't change our name.
82
00:03:56,970 --> 00:03:59,330
I can't go into Peter Gregory's
office with a new name,
83
00:03:59,340 --> 00:04:00,880
and ask him to cut me a new check.
84
00:04:00,890 --> 00:04:03,470
I mean, he's pulled funding
from companies for a lot less.
85
00:04:03,480 --> 00:04:08,519
Uh, the Pied Piper name and trademark are
registered to a sprinkler company in Gilroy.
86
00:04:08,520 --> 00:04:10,349
I guess you could head out
there and talk to them.
87
00:04:10,350 --> 00:04:14,359
- But they may refuse...
- Ok. No, no, no. I'll negotiate with them.
88
00:04:14,360 --> 00:04:16,570
No offense, Richard, but
you're not a strong negotiator.
89
00:04:16,580 --> 00:04:19,400
- I'm a great negotiator, Dinesh.
- You're a terrible negotiator.
90
00:04:19,410 --> 00:04:22,029
I'm a decent negotiator.
91
00:04:22,030 --> 00:04:25,690
Just, so...
92
00:04:25,700 --> 00:04:28,410
Oh, Peter, you're here. Uh...
93
00:04:28,420 --> 00:04:31,200
We were supposed to meet 40 minutes
ago with the guys from Astraphile
94
00:04:31,210 --> 00:04:34,030
about the emergency capital injection.
95
00:04:34,040 --> 00:04:37,750
As we discussed, our North
Carolina plant went sideways.
96
00:04:37,760 --> 00:04:44,340
So we need 15 million now
or we'll have to shut down.
97
00:04:44,350 --> 00:04:50,559
Have any of you ever
eaten at "Burger King"?
98
00:04:50,560 --> 00:04:52,890
Yes...
99
00:04:52,900 --> 00:04:53,940
Why?
100
00:04:53,950 --> 00:04:57,610
Well, I was just driven past one.
101
00:04:57,620 --> 00:05:01,690
And while I know their market cap
is seven billion dollars-plus,
102
00:05:01,700 --> 00:05:05,530
I realize I am unfamiliar
with their offerings.
103
00:05:05,540 --> 00:05:07,150
Ok, fine.
104
00:05:07,160 --> 00:05:08,400
But what does that have to do...
105
00:05:08,410 --> 00:05:11,620
Is it popular among your peers?
106
00:05:11,630 --> 00:05:14,060
Is it enjoyed?
107
00:05:14,070 --> 00:05:16,290
- People seem to like it.
- Yeah, it's ok.
108
00:05:16,300 --> 00:05:19,919
And their selection consists
solely of these burgers,
109
00:05:19,920 --> 00:05:24,250
of which they are
presumably king?
110
00:05:24,260 --> 00:05:27,300
They have other things. Chicken, fish.
111
00:05:27,310 --> 00:05:29,140
I'm sorry. What are we doing here?
112
00:05:30,770 --> 00:05:32,510
Here is what we will do.
113
00:05:32,520 --> 00:05:37,310
Monica, have one of the assistants go
to the nearest burger king location
114
00:05:37,320 --> 00:05:45,510
and purchase one of everything.
115
00:05:45,520 --> 00:05:48,070
Hey, Dinesh. Dinesh.
116
00:05:48,080 --> 00:05:51,530
I'm on the phone with the bank and they say
they need an extra form for your payroll,
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00:05:51,540 --> 00:05:52,750
because of your visa?
118
00:05:52,760 --> 00:05:54,360
Visa? What visa?
119
00:05:54,370 --> 00:05:56,250
I'm a fucking us citizen.
120
00:05:56,260 --> 00:05:59,959
I have Dinesh Chugtai here, and
he's pretty irate because...
121
00:05:59,960 --> 00:06:02,440
Oh, I see.
122
00:06:02,450 --> 00:06:05,630
Bertram Gilfoyle is the foreign national
123
00:06:05,640 --> 00:06:07,460
citizen of Canada.
124
00:06:07,470 --> 00:06:09,760
Ok, thank you.
125
00:06:09,770 --> 00:06:11,350
You're Canadian?
126
00:06:11,360 --> 00:06:13,600
Your "borders" are merely a construct.
127
00:06:13,610 --> 00:06:16,190
I prefer to think of myself
as a citizen of the world.
128
00:06:16,200 --> 00:06:19,610
Do you mind just sending them the
form so they know you're here legally?
129
00:06:19,620 --> 00:06:20,820
Yes, I mind.
130
00:06:20,830 --> 00:06:22,989
And also I may not be.
131
00:06:22,990 --> 00:06:25,650
To wit, maybe you could
make out my checks to cash?
132
00:06:25,660 --> 00:06:27,900
Or bitcoin.
133
00:06:27,910 --> 00:06:29,980
I didn't know I was
working with an illegal.
134
00:06:29,990 --> 00:06:32,870
The irony.
135
00:06:32,880 --> 00:06:34,850
Well, sometimes we do center pivot,
136
00:06:34,860 --> 00:06:38,210
but mainly we do lineal
like you see out there.
137
00:06:38,220 --> 00:06:40,990
What is it your business does again?
138
00:06:41,000 --> 00:06:43,800
Something to do with algebra?
139
00:06:43,810 --> 00:06:46,130
Uh... algorithm, actually.
140
00:06:46,140 --> 00:06:48,170
It's for compression.
141
00:06:48,180 --> 00:06:51,170
Ultimately what we're trying to do is...
142
00:06:51,180 --> 00:06:54,310
You remind me of my son.
143
00:06:54,320 --> 00:06:56,840
He's got asperger's too.
144
00:06:56,850 --> 00:06:58,019
Oh, no, I don't uh...
145
00:06:58,020 --> 00:07:01,859
Probably all those pesticides
they put on the crops.
146
00:07:01,860 --> 00:07:03,980
Well, whatever it is your business does,
147
00:07:03,990 --> 00:07:07,320
I don't think it's going to interfere
with my irrigation company here.
148
00:07:07,330 --> 00:07:11,160
I'm thinking about getting in
another line of work anyway.
149
00:07:11,170 --> 00:07:13,690
All these foreigners coming over here,
150
00:07:13,700 --> 00:07:18,039
putting pieces of shit like that all
over the good farmland around here.
151
00:07:18,040 --> 00:07:23,540
All so people can sit around,
stare at their phones all day.
152
00:07:23,550 --> 00:07:31,010
Nobody jerks off to magazines any more.
153
00:07:31,020 --> 00:07:35,180
Uh, well, actually, that is a server farm.
154
00:07:35,190 --> 00:07:37,180
What we do, compression,
155
00:07:37,190 --> 00:07:40,520
would mean fewer of those, because
we'd save a lot of memory space.
156
00:07:40,530 --> 00:07:42,360
- Really?
- Yeah.
157
00:07:42,370 --> 00:07:44,899
Well, I'm all for that, believe me.
158
00:07:44,900 --> 00:07:47,560
I'll tell you what.
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00:07:47,570 --> 00:07:51,480
You can have the name
for a thousand dollars.
160
00:07:51,490 --> 00:07:53,530
How's that sound?
161
00:07:53,540 --> 00:07:54,820
Uh, that sounds great!
162
00:07:54,830 --> 00:08:00,570
Yeah, cool.
163
00:08:00,580 --> 00:08:04,910
Oh, tremors, too, huh?
164
00:08:04,920 --> 00:08:11,550
Just like my boy.
165
00:08:14,100 --> 00:08:15,470
Go for Erlich.
166
00:08:15,480 --> 00:08:18,310
This is Richard Hendricks,
CEO of Pied Piper.
167
00:08:18,320 --> 00:08:22,100
That's right. You guys said I was
a bad negotiator, but I closed it!
168
00:08:22,110 --> 00:08:23,769
We got a name. Tell everyone you know.
169
00:08:23,770 --> 00:08:26,100
Oh, all right.
170
00:08:26,110 --> 00:08:27,880
You don't sound that impressed.
171
00:08:27,890 --> 00:08:29,320
No, no, I am.
172
00:08:29,330 --> 00:08:31,440
I just...
173
00:08:31,450 --> 00:08:38,750
Now we're Pied Piper. So, later.
174
00:08:38,760 --> 00:08:40,030
Here you go.
175
00:08:40,040 --> 00:08:41,760
You must drink a lot of margaritas huh?
176
00:08:41,770 --> 00:08:43,030
We will now.
177
00:08:43,040 --> 00:08:44,289
I have a startup that just got funded
178
00:08:44,290 --> 00:08:46,420
so this is just kind of a
gift for my guys to celebrate.
179
00:08:46,430 --> 00:08:48,420
Hup...
180
00:08:48,430 --> 00:08:49,629
Good luck with that.
181
00:08:49,630 --> 00:08:51,969
You'll need, too, it when this
town kicks you in the balls.
182
00:08:51,970 --> 00:08:53,860
- Ok. Sure.
- Let me get the door for you.
183
00:08:53,870 --> 00:08:55,710
I had three startups, myself,
184
00:08:55,720 --> 00:08:59,650
and I couldn't get those sand hill
road morons to fund any of them.
185
00:08:59,660 --> 00:09:02,809
Cowards. My last company was genius.
186
00:09:02,810 --> 00:09:04,050
Have you ever been lost
in a parking lot before?
187
00:09:04,060 --> 00:09:05,479
Uh...
188
00:09:05,480 --> 00:09:08,190
What app would do is use
existing AvL technology, right?
189
00:09:08,200 --> 00:09:12,650
So you'd type in the VIN number. And
if you car didn't have AvL capabilities
190
00:09:12,660 --> 00:09:15,400
you would just type in whatever
section of the parking lot you were in,
191
00:09:15,410 --> 00:09:18,159
like P3, or ground seven.
192
00:09:18,160 --> 00:09:21,499
So you just, you just write down what
section of the parking lot you're in?
193
00:09:21,500 --> 00:09:22,660
Why do you need an app for that?
194
00:09:22,670 --> 00:09:24,570
So you can remember where you parked.
195
00:09:24,580 --> 00:09:27,580
Right, uh, but why don't you
just write it down on paper?
196
00:09:27,590 --> 00:09:29,669
Well, yeah. But this is for your phone.
197
00:09:29,670 --> 00:09:32,670
Ok, so it's just sorta like notepad?
198
00:09:32,680 --> 00:09:35,770
- Exactly! See? You get it.
- Yeah. I get it.
199
00:09:35,780 --> 00:09:37,500
Why can't all those fucking VCs?
200
00:09:37,510 --> 00:09:39,179
Pussies, man.
201
00:09:39,180 --> 00:09:40,670
Oh, there we go, thanks.
202
00:09:53,200 --> 00:09:54,650
This is which one?
203
00:09:54,660 --> 00:09:56,410
The BK double stacker.
204
00:09:56,420 --> 00:09:58,030
Fascinating...
205
00:09:58,040 --> 00:10:00,780
Peter, I know that you are
206
00:10:00,790 --> 00:10:04,580
incredibly busy with... this.
207
00:10:04,590 --> 00:10:09,209
But I made a personal promise to the Astraphile
guys that none of their employees would lose
208
00:10:09,210 --> 00:10:11,710
their job, which will
happen at midnight to...
209
00:10:11,720 --> 00:10:13,790
Do you see this?
210
00:10:13,800 --> 00:10:15,340
The junior whopper?
211
00:10:15,350 --> 00:10:18,680
No, not the sandwich.
212
00:10:18,690 --> 00:10:23,770
This seed... Atop the breading.
213
00:10:23,780 --> 00:10:25,180
Those are sesame seeds.
214
00:10:25,190 --> 00:10:31,020
A high number of these breadings
have sesame seeds on them.
215
00:10:31,030 --> 00:10:37,569
Billions of breadings.
216
00:10:37,570 --> 00:10:40,579
Sesame seeds.
217
00:10:40,580 --> 00:10:43,870
They only grow in certain microclimates.
218
00:10:43,880 --> 00:10:47,694
Peter, I know you don't want to cause
219
00:10:47,695 --> 00:10:49,690
a hundred and seventy
three people in North...
220
00:10:52,510 --> 00:10:55,160
Cicadas.
221
00:11:01,870 --> 00:11:03,440
- Gentlemen!
- Hey!
222
00:11:03,450 --> 00:11:05,690
It's our own personal Herb Cohen!
223
00:11:05,700 --> 00:11:07,560
- Who?
- Herb Cohen.
224
00:11:07,570 --> 00:11:10,870
He's a famous negotiator.
Wrote a bunch of textbooks.
225
00:11:10,880 --> 00:11:12,480
- No?
- What?
226
00:11:12,490 --> 00:11:13,900
Have you seen the blogs?
227
00:11:13,910 --> 00:11:15,120
No.
228
00:11:15,130 --> 00:11:16,960
Erlich went ham on all the tech sites.
229
00:11:16,970 --> 00:11:19,620
He hit TechCrunch, Recode, and PandoDaily.
230
00:11:19,630 --> 00:11:21,419
Listen to what Kara swisher says.
231
00:11:21,420 --> 00:11:24,660
"Individually", says Erlich
Bachman, "We are formidable.
232
00:11:24,670 --> 00:11:27,050
But when you combine our portfolios,
233
00:11:27,060 --> 00:11:31,140
Peter Gregory and I account for
billions of dollars in assets.
234
00:11:31,150 --> 00:11:34,090
We at Pied Piper look forward
to giving Gavin Belson
235
00:11:34,100 --> 00:11:37,060
and the donkeys at Nucleus
a run for their money."
236
00:11:37,070 --> 00:11:38,480
What a dick.
237
00:11:40,990 --> 00:11:42,269
It's the guy with the name.
238
00:11:42,270 --> 00:11:43,850
Hello, Arnold.
239
00:11:43,860 --> 00:11:45,279
Cut the shit.
240
00:11:45,280 --> 00:11:47,440
I just read Recode.net.
241
00:11:47,450 --> 00:11:48,740
You read Recode?
242
00:11:48,750 --> 00:11:50,590
I do when my customers tell me
243
00:11:50,600 --> 00:11:53,020
the name of my company's
all over the Internet.
244
00:11:53,030 --> 00:11:56,610
But you'd probably think I'm just out here
shitting in a hole and wiping with my hand.
245
00:11:56,620 --> 00:11:58,550
No, no, no, I don't think you do that.
246
00:11:58,560 --> 00:12:00,280
Do people think you do
that? Do you do that?
247
00:12:00,290 --> 00:12:01,420
No, no, no!
248
00:12:01,430 --> 00:12:04,500
I'm not falling for that
phony, mumbley-mouth,
249
00:12:04,510 --> 00:12:06,590
googly-eyed routine again.
250
00:12:06,600 --> 00:12:08,240
If you're this tech billionaire,
251
00:12:08,250 --> 00:12:11,340
why did I give you the name
Pied Piper for next to nothing?
252
00:12:11,350 --> 00:12:12,960
You played me.
253
00:12:12,970 --> 00:12:16,210
You want the name, it's
going to cost you 250 grand.
254
00:12:16,220 --> 00:12:19,680
Ok, I think you just need to talk
to the guy who said all that.
255
00:12:19,690 --> 00:12:21,220
And he can clear it up for you.
256
00:12:21,230 --> 00:12:23,890
- Where's Erlich?
- He's outside with the intern.
257
00:12:23,900 --> 00:12:26,270
What intern? You got interns?
258
00:12:26,280 --> 00:12:28,819
We might as well have interns,
we hire illegal aliens.
259
00:12:28,820 --> 00:12:31,980
- What?
- No, no. We don't have either of those things.
260
00:12:31,990 --> 00:12:33,450
I'll tell you what, asshole,
261
00:12:33,460 --> 00:12:36,700
you use the name Pied Piper
again, I'm going to call my lawyer
262
00:12:36,710 --> 00:12:38,820
and we're gonna sue the shit out of you.
263
00:12:38,830 --> 00:12:42,740
- Fucking billionaires.
- Arnold? Arnold, hello?
264
00:12:42,750 --> 00:12:46,460
- That sounded sub-optimal.
- Yeah, it was.
265
00:12:46,470 --> 00:12:51,630
Hey, Jared, you know who else is Canadian?
Justin Bieber, the Hitler of music.
266
00:12:51,640 --> 00:12:53,340
Do you have a problem
with me being Canadian?
267
00:12:53,350 --> 00:12:55,140
I do, actually.
268
00:12:55,150 --> 00:12:57,420
Do you have any idea how long
it took me to become a citizen?
269
00:12:57,430 --> 00:12:59,420
Did it take you a long time?
270
00:12:59,430 --> 00:13:01,260
I'm glad I didn't do it then.
271
00:13:01,270 --> 00:13:03,340
Typical lazy immigrant.
272
00:13:03,350 --> 00:13:05,730
These people think they can
just walk into this country...
273
00:13:05,740 --> 00:13:07,189
I did just
walk into this country.
274
00:13:07,190 --> 00:13:10,150
My car broke down on the ambassador bridge.
275
00:13:10,160 --> 00:13:15,240
It took me an extra 15 minutes to
get across the border. Major hassle.
276
00:13:15,250 --> 00:13:19,039
You know, Hitler actually
played the bassoon.
277
00:13:19,040 --> 00:13:23,280
So, technically, Hitler
was the Hitler of music.
278
00:13:25,510 --> 00:13:27,670
I don't understand. I
thought you closed the name.
279
00:13:27,680 --> 00:13:30,120
Well, I guess it's still a
little ajar, I don't know.
280
00:13:30,130 --> 00:13:31,620
Who am I, Herb Cohen?
281
00:13:31,630 --> 00:13:33,960
- I don't know who that is.
- Neither do I.
282
00:13:33,970 --> 00:13:36,180
That's a... That's a Jared thing.
283
00:13:36,190 --> 00:13:39,810
Hey! Make sure to clean off all
the gunk off the front bumper, ok.
284
00:13:39,820 --> 00:13:42,630
And since when do we
have an intern program?
285
00:13:42,640 --> 00:13:45,020
We don't. And when Keith finds that out,
286
00:13:45,030 --> 00:13:47,270
it's gonna be a valuable
business lesson for him.
287
00:13:47,280 --> 00:13:49,610
What? Those are the Pied Piper shirts!
288
00:13:49,620 --> 00:13:53,530
- Are you Richard?
- Yeah. Yes.
289
00:13:53,540 --> 00:13:56,860
Ok, look, I fucked up. What do we do now?
290
00:13:56,870 --> 00:13:58,480
Who's "we"?
291
00:13:58,490 --> 00:14:00,079
This morning you rudely reminded me
292
00:14:00,080 --> 00:14:01,620
that I wasn't a founder
of this company and now
293
00:14:01,630 --> 00:14:03,400
you want me to hold your
hand and help you out?
294
00:14:03,410 --> 00:14:04,870
I don't think so, sister.
295
00:14:04,880 --> 00:14:07,040
This credit card is no good.
296
00:14:07,050 --> 00:14:09,380
Declined.
297
00:14:09,390 --> 00:14:11,410
Great. Great.
298
00:14:11,420 --> 00:14:13,380
That stupid margarita machine maxed me out.
299
00:14:13,390 --> 00:14:16,050
So now the CEO of Pied Piper
can't even afford to buy lunch.
300
00:14:16,060 --> 00:14:18,177
Yeah, I don't think we
can use that name anymore.
301
00:14:25,520 --> 00:14:28,600
Dude! Dude, hey. I owe
you a big apology, man.
302
00:14:28,610 --> 00:14:32,109
I had no idea who you were before
and I read all this coverage
303
00:14:32,110 --> 00:14:35,520
about your company online, and
I was like, "Hey, Pied Piper!
304
00:14:35,530 --> 00:14:36,990
I met this dude! He came into the store
305
00:14:37,000 --> 00:14:39,449
and told me my parking
app was fucking awesome!"
306
00:14:39,450 --> 00:14:41,080
I did?
307
00:14:41,090 --> 00:14:43,110
Yeah, so my mom was like, "Wow, really?
308
00:14:43,120 --> 00:14:45,000
You should really pursue it!"
309
00:14:45,010 --> 00:14:46,750
And I was like, "Yeah, I should."
310
00:14:46,760 --> 00:14:48,370
The parking app?
311
00:14:48,380 --> 00:14:51,450
So she decides to get a
reverse mortgage on her home
312
00:14:51,460 --> 00:14:52,920
and write me a check.
313
00:14:52,930 --> 00:14:55,290
- Ooh...
- So I'm funded!
314
00:14:55,300 --> 00:14:56,960
Because of you, man.
315
00:14:56,970 --> 00:15:00,340
I was this close to giving up, and
now you gave me my dream back, man!
316
00:15:00,350 --> 00:15:02,550
- But...
- Oh, hey, Ron!
317
00:15:02,560 --> 00:15:06,309
You see this guy? This billionaire here?
318
00:15:06,310 --> 00:15:10,140
He's the reason why I'm
quitting!
319
00:15:10,150 --> 00:15:13,720
- Jamie, you don't...
- Well, you've helped me so much,
320
00:15:13,730 --> 00:15:16,230
what can I do for you?
321
00:15:16,240 --> 00:15:19,820
Well, I need to return this machine
322
00:15:19,830 --> 00:15:28,570
because I'm broke, and
I need money for food.
323
00:15:28,580 --> 00:15:30,880
Just a quick question.
324
00:15:30,890 --> 00:15:38,830
Uh, is this gonna be a cash return,
or does it credit back to the card?
325
00:15:38,840 --> 00:15:44,810
All right, what about
Smaller, spelled "S-M-L-L-R"?
326
00:15:44,820 --> 00:15:46,680
You know, because we make things smaller,
327
00:15:46,690 --> 00:15:50,390
and this would be like a smaller
version of the word "smaller".
328
00:15:50,400 --> 00:15:52,859
- It looks like "Smeller".
- Ok.
329
00:15:52,860 --> 00:15:56,650
What if we spell it...
330
00:15:56,660 --> 00:15:59,570
"S-M-L-R"?
331
00:15:59,580 --> 00:16:03,699
Because that's an even smaller
version of the word smaller.
332
00:16:03,700 --> 00:16:04,860
Then it looks like "Smiler".
333
00:16:04,870 --> 00:16:05,990
We're not gonna kick the shit
334
00:16:06,000 --> 00:16:07,980
out of "Nucleus" with "Smiler."
335
00:16:07,990 --> 00:16:10,670
Where's Richard? Why
isn't he in here for this?
336
00:16:10,680 --> 00:16:13,530
I think he was out back, wishing
he'd taken the ten million dollars.
337
00:16:13,540 --> 00:16:19,790
No, I just saw him in his room, wishing
he had taken the ten million dollars.
338
00:16:19,800 --> 00:16:24,250
You know "smiler" is also something
that guys call women's assholes.
339
00:16:25,820 --> 00:16:28,930
Richard, why aren't you in
there, coming up with new names?
340
00:16:28,940 --> 00:16:32,150
I don't want a new name. I want Pied Piper.
341
00:16:32,160 --> 00:16:34,620
But, apparently, I can't have that.
342
00:16:34,630 --> 00:16:36,610
So now I have to come up with a new name
343
00:16:36,620 --> 00:16:39,230
and take that to Peter Gregory
and ask for a new check
344
00:16:39,240 --> 00:16:42,860
he's gonna know pull our funding,
Gavin Belson's going to crush us,
345
00:16:42,870 --> 00:16:46,370
and we will be ruined because
I have no idea what I'm doing.
346
00:16:46,380 --> 00:16:49,820
Neither did Zuckerberg when
he was running Facebook at 19.
347
00:16:49,830 --> 00:16:54,160
You think he had any real-world
business experience? No. None.
348
00:16:54,170 --> 00:16:58,330
But he was such a tough negotiator that
now all of his friends are suing him.
349
00:16:58,340 --> 00:17:01,170
How awesome is that? And Steve Jobs?
350
00:17:01,180 --> 00:17:03,330
He took a shit-ton of hallucinogens.
351
00:17:03,340 --> 00:17:04,470
What a coincidence.
352
00:17:04,480 --> 00:17:06,470
Maybe something that you could actually do.
353
00:17:06,480 --> 00:17:09,220
I'm not going on some fucking vision quest.
354
00:17:09,230 --> 00:17:12,269
Ok, let me get this straight, you
would rather do nothing than something?
355
00:17:12,270 --> 00:17:14,510
Because all the guys in the other room
356
00:17:14,520 --> 00:17:18,230
coming up with shitty names like,
"Smallulator," are at least doing something.
357
00:17:19,740 --> 00:17:22,570
Fine. I'll just do it myself.
358
00:17:22,580 --> 00:17:25,360
I'll be back in 24 to 72 hours.
359
00:17:25,370 --> 00:17:28,410
Have a cold pitcher of water and
some orange slices ready for me.
360
00:17:28,420 --> 00:17:31,200
You know what, I'm really
gonna go for this motherfucker
361
00:17:31,210 --> 00:17:33,610
so you better have some
grapefruit ready, too.
362
00:17:33,620 --> 00:17:38,500
I'm gonna come back with a name so amazing
that Peter Gregory will write us ten checks.
363
00:17:38,510 --> 00:17:41,670
What about, "Dwarfism 2.0"?
364
00:17:41,680 --> 00:17:44,180
Where's "Dwarfism 1.0"?
365
00:17:44,190 --> 00:17:45,380
Just in the world.
366
00:17:45,390 --> 00:17:47,140
- Oh.
- That's prejudice.
367
00:17:47,150 --> 00:17:49,510
- That's hurtful.
- I'm sorry.
368
00:17:49,520 --> 00:17:52,470
Small, come back now, are you here?
369
00:17:52,480 --> 00:17:55,140
Interesting.
370
00:17:55,150 --> 00:17:58,310
Hey! That is not cherry garcia.
371
00:17:58,320 --> 00:18:02,360
Sorry, Gilfoyle. Company business.
372
00:18:02,370 --> 00:18:06,620
And who's hiding drugs? Shocker,
it's the illegal immigrant.
373
00:18:13,710 --> 00:18:17,410
What about mine-imize,
like "minimize" but "mine".
374
00:18:17,420 --> 00:18:19,232
Yeah.
375
00:18:24,390 --> 00:18:26,170
Hello, Mr. Garris.
376
00:18:26,180 --> 00:18:28,679
Yes, this is Richard from the company
377
00:18:28,680 --> 00:18:30,550
that is rightly called Pied Piper.
378
00:18:30,560 --> 00:18:32,670
That's right.
379
00:18:32,680 --> 00:18:37,850
No, no, no. You listen to me.
Ok. We had a handshake deal.
380
00:18:37,860 --> 00:18:42,100
And that may not mean a lot to you, but
where I come from, that means a whole lot.
381
00:18:42,110 --> 00:18:44,770
Ok, you agreed to sell me that
name for a thousand dollars.
382
00:18:44,780 --> 00:18:51,190
So let me ask you this? Are you an
honest man or are you a goddamn liar?
383
00:18:51,200 --> 00:18:53,539
Ok. Yes, same address?
384
00:18:53,540 --> 00:18:58,000
Good, yeah, great. See you then.
385
00:18:58,010 --> 00:19:01,709
Dude, that was fucking
badass. What did he say?
386
00:19:01,710 --> 00:19:04,170
He said he was gonna get in his truck,
387
00:19:04,180 --> 00:19:06,340
drive down here and beat
the living shit out of me.
388
00:19:06,350 --> 00:19:08,210
Why did you say that was your address?
389
00:19:08,220 --> 00:19:09,719
- Say any other address.
- I don't know.
390
00:19:09,720 --> 00:19:11,960
He's got a very powerful voice.
391
00:19:11,970 --> 00:19:13,600
What are we gonna do?
392
00:19:13,610 --> 00:19:15,559
If you keep screaming your name,
393
00:19:15,560 --> 00:19:18,330
it forces the assailant to
acknowledge you as a human.
394
00:19:46,070 --> 00:19:49,929
It is now 5:35pm and I have
ingested the psilocybin.
395
00:19:49,930 --> 00:19:52,640
I have started the countdown timer
396
00:19:52,650 --> 00:19:59,680
and I will be reaching Sonora
and nirvana in approximately...
397
00:19:59,690 --> 00:20:02,277
Oh, fuck.
398
00:20:10,500 --> 00:20:12,270
Oh, shit.
399
00:20:14,150 --> 00:20:17,330
He's here, that's him.
400
00:20:17,340 --> 00:20:19,150
He came.
401
00:20:19,160 --> 00:20:21,530
- Should I call 911?
- No, that's a pussy move.
402
00:20:21,540 --> 00:20:23,780
- Yeah, it's a pussy move.
- Shhh.
403
00:20:23,790 --> 00:20:25,290
Just shush.
404
00:20:25,300 --> 00:20:28,920
Just stay here until he goes away, please.
405
00:20:28,930 --> 00:20:31,590
I'm looking for Pied Piper.
406
00:20:31,600 --> 00:20:32,790
You know where it is?
407
00:20:32,800 --> 00:20:34,510
This is Pied Piper.
408
00:20:34,520 --> 00:20:37,600
No, no, no. It's a company.
409
00:20:37,610 --> 00:20:39,380
Like a big, big office.
410
00:20:39,390 --> 00:20:41,640
Do you know where that is?
411
00:20:41,650 --> 00:20:45,640
Yeah, this it. Here. Pied Piper.
412
00:20:45,650 --> 00:20:48,030
No...
413
00:20:48,040 --> 00:20:49,230
Uh...
414
00:20:49,240 --> 00:20:51,310
Hi, Arnold.
415
00:20:51,320 --> 00:20:54,900
I'm Richard. I'm Richard. I'm Richard.
416
00:20:54,910 --> 00:20:57,700
- Donald. I'm Donald.
- Richard. Richard...
417
00:20:57,710 --> 00:20:59,950
- Jared. I'm Jared.
- Richard, Richard, Richard.
418
00:20:59,960 --> 00:21:02,169
- Gilfoyle. Gilfoyle.
- My name is Richard.
419
00:21:02,170 --> 00:21:04,040
- Jared, Jared.
- Richard, Richard.
420
00:21:04,050 --> 00:21:09,000
- Gilfoyle, Gilfoyle.
- Jing Yang. Jing Yang. Jing Yang.
421
00:21:09,010 --> 00:21:13,270
Sysbit Digital Solutions.
422
00:21:13,280 --> 00:21:17,810
Integrating open data spaces.
423
00:21:17,820 --> 00:21:19,720
Yeah.
424
00:21:19,730 --> 00:21:23,510
TechBitData Solution Systems.
425
00:21:23,520 --> 00:21:30,600
Creating unique cross
platform technologies.
426
00:21:30,610 --> 00:21:35,570
Technologies. Technolo-Jesus.
427
00:21:35,580 --> 00:21:37,257
Oh, fuck!
428
00:21:38,440 --> 00:21:40,160
So this is Pied Piper?
429
00:21:40,170 --> 00:21:42,250
This is a billion dollar company?
430
00:21:42,260 --> 00:21:44,920
Not even close. Not yet.
431
00:21:44,930 --> 00:21:47,030
You pack a lot of guys in here.
432
00:21:47,040 --> 00:21:51,870
It reminds me when I started
Pied Piper in my garage.
433
00:21:51,880 --> 00:21:54,170
I kind of miss those days.
434
00:21:54,180 --> 00:21:56,219
Oh, yeah?
435
00:21:56,220 --> 00:21:57,889
I'll tell you what.
436
00:21:57,890 --> 00:22:00,889
Five thousand bucks and the name is yours.
437
00:22:00,890 --> 00:22:05,050
Well, the thing is we agreed on a thousand.
438
00:22:05,060 --> 00:22:07,970
Fine, four grand.
439
00:22:07,980 --> 00:22:10,770
Look, that's not the deal.
440
00:22:10,780 --> 00:22:13,690
- We shook on it.
- Two thousand. Final offer.
441
00:22:13,700 --> 00:22:16,360
We could do two. That's reasonable.
442
00:22:16,370 --> 00:22:19,200
No, we can't do two, Jared.
It's not reasonable at all.
443
00:22:19,210 --> 00:22:23,400
Look, we shook hands on a
thousand dollars. That's the deal.
444
00:22:23,410 --> 00:22:25,419
Ok. A grand.
445
00:22:25,420 --> 00:22:28,580
But you gotta throw in some gas money.
446
00:22:28,590 --> 00:22:31,750
- I drove all the way out here.
- To come to kick my ass!
447
00:22:31,760 --> 00:22:33,330
Ok, you know what?
448
00:22:33,340 --> 00:22:36,800
Five hundred! That's
the deal. Five hundred.
449
00:22:36,810 --> 00:22:38,800
- Fuck this.
- No, no, no, no.
450
00:22:38,810 --> 00:22:41,929
We don't have to... We can keep it
at the original thousand dollars.
451
00:22:41,930 --> 00:22:45,510
So, let's...
452
00:22:45,520 --> 00:22:50,150
- Ok, you got a deal.
- All right. Cool.
453
00:22:50,160 --> 00:22:51,270
We got a name!
454
00:22:51,280 --> 00:22:53,400
Infotrode...
455
00:22:53,410 --> 00:22:55,820
Cloud-based, disruptive platforms.
456
00:22:55,830 --> 00:22:58,270
Disrupting the cloud through...
457
00:22:58,280 --> 00:23:00,020
I said cloud twice, shit.
458
00:23:00,030 --> 00:23:02,190
Making the world a better place
459
00:23:02,200 --> 00:23:07,360
through cross-platform
business facing cloud...
460
00:23:07,370 --> 00:23:09,470
There's that... shit!
There's that cloud again!
461
00:23:09,480 --> 00:23:12,459
Info-trode, Info-trode!?
What the fuck is Info-trode?
462
00:23:12,460 --> 00:23:15,760
What is that? It's all just
fucking meaningless words!
463
00:23:15,770 --> 00:23:18,090
Ok. No, no, no...
464
00:23:18,100 --> 00:23:21,210
Making the world a better place.
Making the world a better place.
465
00:23:21,220 --> 00:23:25,320
Making the world a better place.
Making the world a better place.
466
00:23:25,330 --> 00:23:28,220
Making the world a better place.
Making the world a better place.
467
00:23:28,230 --> 00:23:30,670
Good-bye.
468
00:23:30,680 --> 00:23:34,260
Making the world a better place.
Making the world a better place.
469
00:23:34,270 --> 00:23:38,360
Making the world a better place.
Making the world a better place.
470
00:23:38,370 --> 00:23:40,560
- Making the world a better place.
- Sir?
471
00:23:40,570 --> 00:23:42,320
Are you ok in there?
472
00:23:42,330 --> 00:23:44,920
- Making the world a better place.
- He's been in there all night.
473
00:23:44,930 --> 00:23:46,650
I should call the sheriff.
474
00:23:46,660 --> 00:23:49,490
Making the world a better place...
475
00:23:49,500 --> 00:23:51,710
No, I... hey, I told you
he's going to handle it!
476
00:23:51,720 --> 00:23:54,160
- Mr. Gregory, this is ridiculous.
- Sir...
477
00:23:54,170 --> 00:23:59,220
Mr. Gregory, we need an
answer and we need it now!
478
00:23:59,230 --> 00:24:02,300
- Yes?
- We need money. Now.
479
00:24:02,310 --> 00:24:04,420
And I'm sure that burger
king and sesame seeds
480
00:24:04,430 --> 00:24:06,670
and whatever else you've
been mumbling about in here
481
00:24:06,680 --> 00:24:08,519
all seem lovely to think about...
482
00:24:08,520 --> 00:24:10,590
Myanmar and Brazil.
483
00:24:10,600 --> 00:24:12,150
No, no! No more of this!
484
00:24:12,160 --> 00:24:14,850
Ok, are we getting the money or not?
485
00:24:14,860 --> 00:24:19,570
Will you please tell us
what the hell is going on?
486
00:24:19,580 --> 00:24:22,740
Amusing coincidence that
two of the three countries
487
00:24:22,750 --> 00:24:28,250
that provide the world's sesame seeds
have such large cicada population, no?
488
00:24:28,260 --> 00:24:31,870
The cicadas of Myanmar
emerge every 13 years,
489
00:24:31,880 --> 00:24:35,590
while the Brazilian
cicadas emerge every 17.
490
00:24:35,600 --> 00:24:39,420
Next year they will hatch, simultaneously,
491
00:24:39,430 --> 00:24:44,680
for the first time in 221 years.
492
00:24:44,690 --> 00:24:47,660
Crops from both countries
will be decimated.
493
00:24:47,670 --> 00:24:53,190
Unlike Myanmar and Brazil,
Indonesia has no cicada population.
494
00:24:53,200 --> 00:24:59,530
I was surprised to see Indonesian
sesame seed futures priced so low.
495
00:24:59,540 --> 00:25:01,550
I made a purchase.
496
00:25:01,560 --> 00:25:04,739
And now, if the shortage
spikes the global price
497
00:25:04,740 --> 00:25:09,079
even ten percent. We'll profit...
498
00:25:09,080 --> 00:25:11,749
- Evan?
- Sixty-eight million dollars.
499
00:25:11,750 --> 00:25:15,749
If you wish, I could tap that
projected revenue and make you
500
00:25:15,750 --> 00:25:18,089
a bridge loan of 15
million dollars, gentlemen.
501
00:25:18,090 --> 00:25:20,759
Unless you need more?
502
00:25:20,760 --> 00:25:23,429
No, that's... thank you.
Thank you, holy shit.
503
00:25:23,430 --> 00:25:25,390
Yes? Happy?
504
00:25:25,400 --> 00:25:28,090
See? I told you he was taking care of it.
505
00:25:28,100 --> 00:25:32,510
And now, would anyone like some BK?
506
00:25:32,520 --> 00:25:35,680
Evan was kind enough
to go out and get breakfast.
507
00:25:35,690 --> 00:25:37,650
It's just sitting here.
508
00:25:37,660 --> 00:25:44,400
- Actually, we'd... I'd love some.
- Thank you so much.
509
00:25:44,410 --> 00:25:49,940
Is there cumin in this barbecue sauce?
510
00:25:49,950 --> 00:25:52,990
- I will definitely find out.
- Please do.
511
00:26:00,710 --> 00:26:03,120
Gentlemen, we just got back from the bank.
512
00:26:03,130 --> 00:26:05,090
Our first deposit slip.
513
00:26:05,100 --> 00:26:07,430
We are officially Pied Piper.
514
00:26:07,440 --> 00:26:08,850
And I am officially legal.
515
00:26:08,860 --> 00:26:10,460
Dinesh wouldn't shut the hell up,
516
00:26:10,470 --> 00:26:11,970
so we finally went to the visa office.
517
00:26:11,980 --> 00:26:13,970
Took me five minutes.
518
00:26:13,980 --> 00:26:17,810
Took me five years. They asked me
about Al-Qaeda, like, 14 times.
519
00:26:17,820 --> 00:26:21,140
He literally got it while I
was still looking for parking.
520
00:26:23,320 --> 00:26:25,810
- Hello.
- Is this Pied Piper?
521
00:26:25,820 --> 00:26:29,700
It is now, but we're not taking an
follow-on investors at this point.
522
00:26:29,710 --> 00:26:34,490
Investors? No, this is Kelsey
from the ARCO Station out on 108.
523
00:26:34,500 --> 00:26:39,040
Someone smeared your name and
number in shit on my bathroom wall.
524
00:26:39,050 --> 00:26:44,130
- Uh, I think you may have the wrong number...
- Richie.
525
00:26:44,140 --> 00:26:46,000
Oh, hey, guys.
526
00:26:46,010 --> 00:26:48,640
Uh, hi. Who is this?
527
00:26:48,650 --> 00:26:51,390
You're not gonna believe
this, but this is me.
528
00:26:51,400 --> 00:26:56,260
Time is a sphere and I've been reincarnated
during the same time period in which I exist.
529
00:26:56,270 --> 00:26:57,680
Yes, but where he come from?
530
00:26:57,690 --> 00:27:00,600
From the future, obviously.
531
00:27:00,610 --> 00:27:03,730
Also, from a parking lot
at a gas station in Sonora.
532
00:27:03,740 --> 00:27:06,320
He ate the whole bag of gold caps.
533
00:27:06,330 --> 00:27:09,190
Awesome!
534
00:27:09,200 --> 00:27:17,750
Erlich...
535
00:27:17,760 --> 00:27:20,950
So, should I call the cops
now before anyone else does?
536
00:27:20,960 --> 00:27:25,049
I just got an AMBER
Alert for Rogilio Nuñez.
537
00:27:25,050 --> 00:27:27,060
Yeah, ok.
538
00:27:30,600 --> 00:27:40,600
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