Good morning, sir. Welcome to Williamsburg Savings Bank.
Let me just grab a pager for you here,
and we'll get you to sit with a banking professional
as soon as one becomes available.
What happens with this?
Oh, it's going to light up and vibrate.
The red lights spin around in a circle. You won't be able to miss it.
Where do I wait?
The guest lounge.
We're ready for you now.
I'm seeing an overdrawn balance in your daily checking.
Seems like your direct deposits haven't been
received in a few months. From...
Wechsler Steel.
Yeah, I've been phoning them for weeks.
I couldn't get a straight answer.
And how about this, uh, foreclosure notice?
Ah. The yellow one. So you must be in default.
My mortgage payment tripled. Overnight.
You were on our teaser rate promo, which expired back in January.
That's why it's called a teaser rate.
Right? It doesn't last. Make sense?
And the new rate is quite a bit higher,
so the monthly mortgage payment jumped up.
Now, we are required to disclose that possibility at the time of the refi.
- You did. - I did what?
You sold me this crap.
Joe Harding.
No. I know the name.
Let me just look at my notes here.
Terms disclosed.
I personally disclosed
the possibility of a rate hike during your refi.
Do you remember that?
You told me
that the odds on the rate going past the prime rate
were extraordinary.
But possible.
But you sold me "extraordinary."
- But the "possible" was disclosed. - Listen, Chuck.
My granddaughter and my daughter, they live with me.
She is a nurse's aide, you know, low pay and all that.
She wanted her kid to go to a better school, so they moved in with me.
- Lots of people doing that. - Yeah. So you see,
I can't lose my house.
Not to worry.
You're on the yellow notice.
The red one is more weighty.
Can I talk with someone else?
- Who? - Someone smarter?
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for your attention.
We've come to make a withdrawal.
Aside from the tellers,
we invite you to lie down on the floor, face up,
and hold your arms and legs in the air like a pussycat.
Everybody down!
Tellers,
please do not be foolish enough to trigger the silent alarm.
The last people we want here would be the police.
That would be messy, no?
Put 'em up.
Why this? Oh, my God. Why here? What did I do?
Hey!
I follow the book. Just follow procedure.
Just stay calm. Stay calm.
- Follow procedure. - Hey!
You're going to get yourself shot!
Gentlemen, it's best to remain silent.
I'm cramping.
Relax, please. You can sit up.
- Ah. - Hey, no! Not you! Pussycat!
Keep stuffing it in there. Let's go. Come on.
You can have this.
I'm sorry you're a casualty of a corrupt system that no longer serves the people.
Yeah. I've been banking here for 40 years.
You're just an account number.
It's not much, but it's all yours.
No, my friend. Not from you.
It is a culture's duty to take care of its elderly.
Chuck here couldn't give a crap.
Chuck.
- Are you Chuck? - Yes.
I'm Chuck. I'm Chuck.
Are you the one taking this man's house?
- I'm not, personally. - Give me your wallet.
Okay. Look, I got... I have...
I have plenty of stuff here, okay? Cash.
There's a gym membership. Take it. I never go.
Fifteen seconds.
- Pussycat! - Meow.
Shut up!
I'm happy to say, our time together has ended.
Please do not call the police for 90 seconds.
A shoot-out never has a happy ending.
Oh. They make a pill for that.
That looks like a gang tattoo to me.
Very detailed.
I imagine the artist did them all.
So, if you find the tattoo parlor,
then you'll find the artist, and you've got yourself a bank robber.
Sounds pretty standard to me.
Right. Well, thanks a lot, old-timer.
You know, we're going to get you an application.
Hey, listen. I've watched this TV show
called Law and Order, and they solve crimes much quicker than you do.
You should tune in.
Well, you know, in the real world,
solving crimes takes a little longer than a one-hour television show.
Well, I guess this wraps it up for us, Mr. Harding.
If we need any additional information, then we'll get in contact with you.
Oh. You'll need my address and phone number.
Uh, not necessary.
We'll find you. That's what we do.
So, what'd they look like?
It was hard to tell. They had masks on.
I got close to one. It was a male, about six feet.
And he had this tattoo wrapped around his neck
that I told you about.
You know, you find the tattoo artist...
- You find the criminal. - Exactly.
That's what I told them.
Okay. I'm sure you're not supposed to be talking about all of this.
It must have been so cool being in the middle of a heist.
Crime is not cool, babe.
He could have been shot.
Or worse.
What's worse than being shot?
Being shot twice.
This kind of detail
is traditionally indicative of gang affiliation.
We believe these individuals used the same tattoo artist.
If we can find this artist, then we can find our perp.
It's pretty standard stuff really.
Hey, that's what we said. Any other questions?
What an asshole.
Language.
If you have any information regarding this tattoo artist...
Bingo!
"The three men walked off with approximately 1.6 million dollars.
"The FBI and the NYPD
"are reporting no leads at this time."
So what?
Nobody gets hurt except the insurance company. And they'll be fine.
They were as cool as cucumbers, gents.
They choreographed it down to the second.
Like a dance.
Yeah, a conga line right into prison.
Are we going to play or what?
Ask the man in charge.
Milton?
Milton!
Who're we rolling with on two?
Oh! Oh, yeah.
G-52.
If I ever get that bad, shoot me.
Oh.
Did you get one of these?
It came certified mail.
Yes, sir.
You ever get good news that needed a signature?
You contact anybody down at the plant?
Oh, not yet. But we'll find out what's going on.
I need my pension money.
Oh. Yeah, tell me about it.
I have something very important to say.
G-52.
Let's go and help the elderly.
Now, at the time of our merger,
Semtech had no intentions of shuttering U.S. operations.
However, with the demand for specialty parts way down,
and the cost of operations in this country rising steadily,
they have made the decision
to move all manufacturing to Vietnam.
Wechsler's stateside operations
will be phased out over the next 30 days.
30 days? What, are you kidding me?
Guys, I understand this is harsh news.
I can only address you in an orderly fashion.
Excuse me, Mr. Lewis.
Hi, Joe.
What is this about?
What's going on with our pensions?
Semtech Steel has frozen
all pension payments during this transitional period.
What does that mean? Frozen?
Wechsler maintained a fund
to honor all pre-merger pension plans,
which was eventually to be married with the new pension fund
under the new labor contract.
For God's sake, can you say that in English?
No U.S. operations, no fiscal responsibility for Semtech.
The pension fund is being dissolved.
With all due respect, Donald,
thirty years of hard work means shit to you people!
Without my pension money, I can't even pay rent this month.
We'll get a lawyer and sue the piss out of them.
Shit. We'd be dead by the time the settlement comes in.
Which would suit them just fine.
When did coffee go to two dollars?
A decade ago.
God forbid you get extra foam on the top, you have to make payments.
Let's leave her 20%.
Okay, good. Now she can take a cruise.
Okay, boys. I got a half a rhubarb left.
We got the blueberry crumble, which is a little stale.
And I got the mud pie. So, what's it gonna be?
Uh, not today. Thank you.
No pie?
We're watching our waistlines.
Plus we're shit broke.
Okay. Well, don't tie up my table all day.
I gotta make a living here.
Did I tell you those guys in the bank had machine guns?
You told us six times already!
Yeah, well, it keeps going in my head.
Over and over, you know?
Maybe you're having a stroke.
Here you go, boys. Always have your pie.
Life is short.
Well, thanks for the reminder.
She's right, you know.
We should be having our pie and eating it.
We've earned that much, at least.
- Gentlemen, good evening. - Good evening.
Welcome to what is essentially the last rose ceremony.
Kaitlyn, this is the final rose tonight.
She can count, Einstein!
My heart is beating out of my chest right now.
This week was... incredible.
Shawn's boring, and Nick's a man-whore.
Monogamy is an outdated concept.
I am in love and that's so exciting.
Ben. The only choice she's got.
She's not going to move to a farm in those heels.
She's kissed them all. With her tongue.
Done the whole cast that way. She's a walking venereal disease!
When I think about this week, how everything went
has made my decision feel, like, almost impossible.
Kaitlyn, close your mouth.
Nick.
- Oh, shit! - God!
Turn it off. It's a travesty.
They never learn.
I'm going home and sort out my pills.
Tomorrow, gents.
That was a great meal tonight.
What you can do with frozen fish is admirable.
Best garlic bread I ever had.
And that combination of paprika and garlic, oh!
- Fantastic! - Oh. Whoo!
Actually, I think it was the mold.
All right. Good night.
Joe.
What?
We'll be all right?
Sure, we will. It always works out in the end.
And then you die.
Oh, thanks for the inspiration, Albert.
Good night, all. I'll see you tomorrow.
- Good night, Joe. - Good night.
Assholes.
Hey, Willie. How you feeling?
Partly cloudy, Doc. Partly cloudy.
Well, I'm not going to lie to you.
You can. I won't mind.
The dialysis is working marginally.
You know, a kidney is all that's going to get you well.
Well, I'll look on eBay.
You're way down the list. It's partially your age,
it's partially your insurance. It's partially...
Kidneys aren't that easy to come by.
Yeah. Everybody wants to hold on to theirs.
Have you talked to your daughter? Your friends?
It's common to find a donor in your circles.
And that's often the best match anyway.
I'll talk to them.
Sooner than later.
So, what are we talking about?
We're talking about much sooner than later.
Hello?
You get your presents, Boppa?
You send something?
Wait a minute,
the postman brought me this box right here,
but that can't be it.
That's it, that's it! Open it already!
All right, all right. Hold your horses. I'm old.
Oh, my goodness.
This...
This is the ugliest shirt I've ever seen.
Boppa.
All right. Let's see what else is down in here.
You're getting real big, K.
Grew an inch in a month, Boppa.
Hey, you tell your mom
that her career isn't as important as seeing her family.
I will.
- Promise? - I promise.
Good girl.
- That's my ride. - Okay.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Ezra!
You gotta stop this. I can't listen anymore.
I've been practicing!
Yeah, but it doesn't matter 'cause you get worse every week.
It's kind of a miracle. I don't know how you do it.
So what's the point? You're no good, you don't like it,
you're not gonna be a professional.
You wanna end up like me, working in a factory?
And every two months you're getting a gig for 40 bucks at some dive?
You don't want that.
I don't even like this thing.
No! And it doesn't like you, either.
Trust me, I'm doing you a favor. You'll thank me for this.
Thank you, sir.
Oh, you're very welcome.
I want to be a dancer, like Beyoncé.
Well, it's none of my business.
Okay. All right, good.
All right, get off. Get off me.
Get off. I'll go find your grandma.
She's still got to pay me for the session.
You gotta think of it like putting down a horse.
Sometimes, it's the kindest, most ethical thing you can do.
Well, thank you for being so honest with me.
I really appreciate your candor.
Well, your grandson hasn't got a musical bone in his body.
I know. It was so painful listening in the other room.
And I had to sit across from him.
Okay.
- Al. - Yeah?
I never told you this, but I've seen you perform a few times.
- Ah... - In the West Village
with Stan Getz, 1977.
It was stunning.
You saw me play with Getz?
Sure did.
What are you, following me?
No. I was following the music.
Um, hey. I'll see you at the store, okay?
See you at the store.
Yup.
All right.
See you tomorrow!
Bye, guys.
You know, at some point,
I'm gonna have to start walking home on my own.
I'm 14.
Not on my watch, lovie.
This neighborhood is not the same as it was 40 years ago.
Right. It's safer and more gentrified.
Bam.
And what is this?
It's my biology test.
Another day, another A.
Well done, kiddo.
I'm almost there.
Almost where?
You said, and I quote,
"You get straight A's, you get a puppy."
I like your confidence.
Must have got that from you, young man.
Not bad, kiddo. Not bad at all.
Happy Birthday, young man.
Didn't expect you broke bastards to get me anything.
Temper your enthusiasm. It's not much.
That's just what I needed.
- Yup. - Mmm-hmm.
- One can't get enough time. - Oh.
Take a look at that cute picture.
Oh, yeah. My little K.
When you die, you can will it to her as a memento.
Thanks, Al.
I'm sure she'll want a picture of herself on a watch
from her dead grandpa.
Look at that. That's really something.
You bet, kid.
This corn is from World War Two.
Corn?
I thought this was...
I don't know what I thought it was.
I think I may rob a bank.
What was that?
I'm thinking of robbing a bank.
Oh.
I'm thinking about buying a Ferrari.
Hmm. I just got drafted by the Knicks. Good week for everybody, huh?
Good week.
They're taking my house.
Huh?
They're taking my house.
I've got 30 days.
Who's taking your house?
The bank.
They're taking your house and you didn't tell us?
What are you gonna do? Lend me money?
We're all broke. The three of us combined.
These banks practically destroyed this country.
They crushed a lot of people's dreams.
And nothing ever happened to them.
We're three old guys. We hit a bank, we get away with it,
we retire with dignity.
Worst comes to the worst, we get caught,
we get a bed, three meals a day
and better healthcare than we get now.
You...
You're talking about us?
Us and you?
Yeah, I mean, if a gang of thugs can do it, it can't be that hard.
You're out of your frigging mind.
You have spent 20 years waiting to die, Al.
With no life and no purpose.
And robbing a bank is going to give me a purpose?
It will give us money.
Willie would be able to get on a plane and go and see his granddaughter.
It's a little hard to catch a plane out of prison, Joe.
Yeah, but we won't get caught.
They didn't get caught.
Well, they were young. They were fast.
We got skills, experience. Smarts.
Arthritis, gout, shingles.
Make a wish, Willie.
Hello?
I'm just lying here,
thinking about all of the birthday wishes that I have had over the years.
And how many of them I've kept secret.
And none of them ever came true.
They never seem to pay out.
So I figure I'm going to tell you this one, Joe.
I mean, what's the worst that can happen?
A whole bunch of nothing, right?
Fire away, Willie.
I want to live better than I am.
I want to see my family more than once a year.
And from here on in,
I want to have a piece of pie whenever the hell I want a piece of pie.
You know what I mean?
Hear, hear.
You were serious today.
I think so.
The thing is,
we have nothing to lose.
I'm not a thief, Joe.
Neither am I.
We take exactly what's owed on the pension, right?
That's all I want.
Not a penny more.
My word.
Wake Al up.
Hold on.
Al.
Albert!
- Huh? - Pick up the phone!
Who died?
Nobody died, it's Joe.
I don't talk to criminals.
You heard that?
Hang up. I'll call him back.
What do you want?
The thing is, what do you want, Al?
You want to drift off into the sunset, or do you want to go out with a bang?
I don't have a problem with dying.
I just don't want to do it in prison.
Nobody's going to prison.
What exactly is happening here?
Willie's in.
You're both out of your minds.
Sleep on it, Al.
I don't need to sleep on anything. I'm not a bank robber.
Neither are you, or you, Willie.
What?
Why did you pick up the phone?
Because it was ringing.
Because you're interested.
What are you, my psychiatrist now?
More like a psychic.
Well, then you know I'm going to hang up now.
I'll see you tomorrow, Al.
Sweet dreams.
And don't call back.
All right, Willie. It's time to walk before we run.
These goddamn expiration dates are so small, they want you to go blind.
Take these, I got two for one.
Oh, good. Chicken thighs are on special.
I can make a cordon bleu.
Mets or Yankees?
Don't insult me.
Huh. Nice hats.
We got business here, Al.
Okay. What do you mean?
Give me that list.
What are you doing?
Wait here. We'll be right back.
What are you doing with my list?
Why did you rip up my list?
Why should I wait in the car?
Wait in the bloody car!
Why?
I don't want to stay in the car, it's hot in here!
Psst! Psst!
Psst! Joe. Joe! Behind the crumbs.
Joe, I'm going to get a roast.
We need chicken. It's cordon bleu.
I don't want cordon bleu.
Stick to the plan!
Ah, welcome to Value...
Hello, Al.
Hi, Annie.
What are you shopping for?
Chicken cordon bleu was the plan,
but the plan seems to be changing.
I gotta get some chicken thighs.
Oh, let me help you.
Give me the big one.
The whole thing?
The whole damn thing.
You're the boss.
Annie, just let me have the thing.
Come on, you have your own work to do now.
No, no. It's my job. There's no problem.
Let's see. There's a double coupon in the flyer.
It costs about the same as thighs but, see,
these are breasts.
And breasts are better than thighs, don't you think?
It could go either way.
Oh, ham.
So good.
Do you like ham?
Okay.
This will go perfectly with...
I mean, if you want company. It's a big bottle.
Yeah, listen, I got to tell you.
You're a terrific person, but I know what you're doing.
You're wasting your time. I don't want to have a relationship with anybody.
I wasn't offering one.
Good, great. Then we see eye to eye.
Security to ethnic foods, please.
We'll talk about this later.
I'll look forward to it.
Where the fuck is my basket?
Willie, Willie.
Al's gone.
I got a new getaway car.
Where the hell did you get that thing?
I stole it.
Jump in the basket.
Who the hell do you think I am? E.T.?
Willie, jump in the bloody basket.
I'm not getting in no bloody basket!
She's gaining on us.
Hey, you. Stop right there!
Hey! Halt!
- Halt! - What are you chasing me for?
Halt!
I heard you the first time.
Don't make me tase you!
This is not an admission of guilt! I am just tired.
We got to get rid of some weight.
Get rid of that damned pork loin.
What?
What the...
Flour, flour. Give me the flour.
Halt!
Stop!
I think we can make the light.
No, no, no. You're not going to make the light, Joe.
You're not gonna make the light.
Hey!
No, Joe, you can't make the light!
We can make the light! We're gonna do it!
You're not gonna make the light!
Yes, we are!
Don't make another move.
I don't know what's going on in the world anymore.
You were going to make a cordon bleu with chicken thighs?
That's a crime in and of itself.
I have nothing to say for myself.
Look what you did to Cindy.
Now she looking like a Colombian drug mule.
Never
in all my years
has anybody ever walked off with a whole pork loin.
What would your momma say?
Go big or go home.
Had to be the brother.
And why were you running? You didn't steal anything.
Because your storm trooper here was chasing me.
No, they were chasing your friends.
He was chasing me. When somebody chases me, I run.
That's the way it works.
Look, you guys are old.
And I'm gonna be there in 40, or 50 years, I get it.
Here.
Here are some coupons.
And we double them on Tuesday, but I'm sure you already know that.
So don't steal. It's wrong.
But if you do steal, don't steal from Value Town.
Yeah, couple of great friends I got.
You just made me an accomplice to a robbery.
We never asked you to do anything.
I drive you there. I drive you back. That makes me a getaway driver.
Oh, don't flatter yourself.
You drive like my grandmother, and she drove a horse and buggy.
That's a good one. Just for that you can walk home.
Don't touch my car. Don't get in the car.
You're not going to make us walk!
Hell I'm not.
Oh, boy. You guys are going to be great bank robbers.
You just got busted robbing Value Town!
Oh-ho!
I hate when he's right.
We're going to need professional help.
You think?
Oh, yeah. We might as well turn ourselves in now.
You know any criminals?
I know a lowlife.
Uh... No habla Inglés.
I know it's you, Murphy.
What are you doing here, Joe?
I've come about the child support you're not paying.
Didn't I lose you in the divorce, Joe?
Hit the buzzer.
"Maui Wowie."
"Bad Bitch."
"Blueberry Kush."
"OG Kush."
How is this legal?
Gentlemen, prohibition is over.
Marijuana has superior medical benefits.
It's good for all kinds of situations.
Anxiety, pain, seizures, stress.
Anxiety, pain, seizures...
What is your situation?
Right now, anxiety.
Listen, Joe, not to be uncool to family and such.
Ex-family.
As you say. But, what do you want from me, man?
We have this project, and we're looking for help.
What kind of project?
Oh, well, we'd rather not say.
Well, that makes it harder for me to help you.
We need to find the type of people who do bad things.
What makes you think that I would know people like that?
I figured your kind move in the same circles.
My kind? Entrepreneurs?
No. Lowlifes. Deadbeats. Gangster types.
See, I'm sure that you could point us
in the right direction.
What's wrong with him?
He's thinking.
Looks painful.
I know it looks it,
but I've seen him do it before.
It's the drugs, you know?
Oh, yeah. Of course.
Oh, this stupid bitch.
I wish I could tase his old ass.
Here comes an eggplant. Eggplant.
Hey, you.
- Hi, Annie. - Hi!
You're here every day. Don't you get a day off?
No, every day.
- Man, tough schedule. - Mmm.
What are you going to do with this eggplant?
I was thinking about a ratatouille.
I like to slice it paper thin for parmesan.
You know, it soaks up all the juices.
Okay. Sounds good.
You will never, ever taste a better one.
I'm sure. Listen,
I think you're sweet, and I find you very attractive.
- Oh, you think I'm attractive. - You're a lovely person.
I think that's wonderful.
But you're not looking for a relationship. Is that right?
That's exactly right.
Well, you have made that perfectly clear, Al.
You want to have dinner some night?
What do I have to do? I just don't think you hear me!
Oh, I hear you. I hear you real good.
You know what I think?
I think we owe it to ourselves to live every single day that we have.
I feel that I really want to get to know you better.
Share a meal with you.
I...
What? What is it, baby?
I have a roommate.
I have my own place.
- Annie. - Yeah?
You make a hell of an eggplant parmesan.
Thank you.
World class.
Thank you.
Scrambled eggs, turkey sausage, hash browns, toast and coffee, please.
"Good morning, Mitzi. Your hair looks nice today."
"Did you get your hair cut?" "Oh yeah, Al, I did."
"And you know what I'm in the mood for?" "I don't know, Al. What?"
Mitzi, you look gorgeous. You smell fantastic.
Now go get me some food, because I'm starving to death.
All right. That's more like it.
Didn't think you'd be joining us today.
I'm too old for grudges.
That never stopped you.
Talk amongst yourselves.
Oh! Here! It's in print!
"Wechsler's pensioner's fund, and assets
"to be distributed to current debtors."
They're using our retirement money to pay utility bills.
And that isn't all. Check this.
"Williamsburg Savings Bank will manage the liquidation of the fund,
"and the restructuring of Wechsler's corporate debt."
- That's my bank. - That's my bank.
That's my bank!
They're stealing our goddamn pension!
That's what it says.
Forty years I worked for that goddamn company,
and now they're stealing our pension.
Get it out of here. I'm not hungry.
You want to take it home? For go?
No! No, leave it here.
Nobody's taking anything from me anymore.
You know something, Al? You're complicated today.
I'm not coming back to your table.
And no coins.
I'm not a laundromat.
I'm in. I want to rob that bank.
It's as good a place as any.
Well, how do we start?
We get in touch with this fellow that my ex-son-in-law deals with.
Why is he going to help us?
Because apparently
this is the best weed in Brooklyn.
Man, that's like a pillow.
Yeah, but it's a pillow you can smoke.
Gentlemen, let's go get our money back.
Hear. Hear.
Yeah!
Why would I help you?
25%. That's not chicken scratch.
I could rob a bank on my own. Make 100%.
I'm sure you can, but this is easy money.
None of the risks. Only the reward. You show us the ropes, you get paid.
Murphy does it right! Shit right there.
You five-oh?
We're practically eight-oh.
Now, I don't know you from Adam.
How does Jesus know you're cool?
No, we're cool.
What's the matter?
What do you think of these guys, huh? What do you think?
What do you think, huh? You tell me.
Good or bad?
Aw, can I hold him? Can I?
Do you want to go with him?
He says okay.
He takes the whole bottle.
Tiny little fella.
I find this one in a drainage ditch.
- No! - Yeah.
People have no heart these days.
So what makes you think you can pull it off?
Well, I don't know. Thought we'd give it a go.
"Well, I don't know. We'll just give it a go."
You could get life! Which I guess for you, isn't that long.
But you better think, old man, and you better know.
This is not sitting on a park bench playing bingo.
Listen, fella.
I don't have to take shit from you.
I get enough of this crap out there.
In 20 days, I will not have a roof over my head.
My social security check is a joke and my pension is tits up.
Us three are going to go through with it. We are going to go through with it.
If you want to make 25% helping us, that's fine.
But if you don't
keep the bullshit to yourself!
That was a good speech, bro.
You going to help us?
Mañana.
Uh...
You got any snacks?
- Willie? - Huh?
I love the feeling of the air on my face.
Me too.
Oh, my God! Look out. We got little baby junkies here.
I think I'll get a prescription for this.
- Me too. - Heh.
This food is excellent tonight.
They must've changed recipes.
Same crap. You got the munchies.
Hey. You mind?
Take 'em both.
Okay.
How much time do you think you've got, Willie?
I don't know.
Take a guess.
Two, three years?
That's it? You look great!
Just a feeling. You asked.
What about you?
Oh, I'd guess, uh, seven years.
What about you, Al?
I have bad luck. I'll probably live to be 100.
Then you can do both eulogies.
Got it.
So that's 27 years total.
Our pensions average 45,000 dollars a year.
1,215,000 dollars is what we withdraw from the bank.
Hey, hey, hey! What if we get more?
We give it to charity.
Yeah, but what if we get less? I'm not going to go through this twice.
Hey! That's our bank right there.
Wait a second, you're going to rob your own bank?
It's personal.
Okay. We skip lesson number one.
What was lesson number one?
Never rob your own bank.
We'll move on to lesson two then.
I've got 20 days before I lose my house.
Robbing a bank is an art form.
Ten different people will take the same place ten different ways.
You need to come up with a plan that is special for you.
Cameras aquí, aquí.
One entrance.
One emergency exit.
The right getaway car is very important.
Find something they'll never suspect.
Just put 'em together like this.
Uh-huh.
Magic.
Good.
You have to be in great physical shape.
Now I realize you guys are 4,000 years old.
That is fabulous.
But under those masks,
you're going to need to feel like you're 20.
Wait! Wait! Wait!
Now this is crucial.
You have to have a solid alibi.
Wednesday the 15th?
That's the lodge fundraiser.
Solid alibi.
Do we have any volunteers for the T-shirt committee?
Please put your hands down in back.
We're trying to see if there are volunteers for the T-shirt committee.
We are volunteering, Milton.
All right.
Each teller's drawer is equipped with dye packs and tracing devices.
Now, they'll give you one if they can,
but they will never endanger lives to do it.
The average police response time to a robbery in progress
is between two and four minutes,
depending on how near a unit is to the scene
and how many other police calls are in the vicinity.
Everything's on the damn Internet.
Set your stopwatches to two minutes.
And walk it like it's the real deal.
4 minutes, 54 seconds.
Right now, you would all be in the back of a cop car.
Your guns are only there for the worst-case scenario.
You need to know how to shoot,
but the last thing you want to do is shoot anybody.
Who's on the door?
I'll handle that. Stand guard. Keep watch.
You know how to handle a gun?
The more you practice,
the better you'll be.
And come showtime,
you will stroll out of that bank with more money
than you've ever seen.
Piece of cake.
Maybe the cops will be slow.
Attica! Attica! Attica!
Attica! Attica!
I don't want to watch the ending.
Yeah, that didn't work out too well.
How can he sleep?
He's getting laid.
Oh, yeah.
I remember what that was like.
You feeling good?
Yeah. Yeah. Good as gold.
Me too.
Nobody's going to get hurt.
That's right.
We get into trouble, we're out of there.
That's right. Yeah.
Cops come, we lay down.
Hands in the air.
Two minutes tops.
Tops. Give or take.
Get some sleep, young man.
All right. You too, young man.
Don't let the omelet touch the fruit. She likes a separation.
You do this every day?
- Every day. - No shit.
Yes shit.
I wish my dad did this for me.
So does your daughter.
What are you doing here?
He's making Brook's breakfast.
I see that. Why?
I'm training him. He's making an effort to be a father.
Good morning.
Your father made you breakfast.
Holy shit!
- Easy! - Language.
Sorry.
Your father will be picking you up today.
Did he find Jesus or something?
Doubtful. He's figured out how much he's missing.
Yeah, this week.
He's just not much with the follow-through.
Give him a shot, babe. For me.
Sure, Joe. But only because you're my best friend.
I love you, kiddo.
You're going to do it all.
What's going with you today?
Do you have cancer or something?
No! No, no. I'm as strong as an ox.
Okay.
It's carnival day. Lots to do.
Yes. I'm coming right after school.
Yup, and I'm going to bring you fried dough with your name on it.
Okay. That's a little tight there. I love you too.
Go make something of yourself.
I will, young man.
See you later,
Dad.
I've been giving you crap for a long time, Murphy.
I guess I deserve it. Mostly.
That's one of the smartest things you ever said.
Listen, Joe.
Whatever it is you're doing, you don't have to do it.
There's always another way.
My business is my business, kid. Forget that you know it.
And if in the end, I don't come back, it's on you.
I can't cover for you anymore.
You're her father.
You got to step up to the plate. Act like a man.
Even if you have to fake it.
All right.
Okay, gents. Let's mingle.
Three in a row wins a prize!
Hello, Paulie. Hot enough for you?
Perfect day for it.
I've got to check in at the ticket office.
Well, be good.
I won't be good. But I will be careful.
Okay, here you go. Thank you.
You folks are popular.
Yeah. It's the cocaine.
You've got cocaine?
That was a joke, Milton.
Oh, okay, very funny.
Hang here for one minute. I got to go to the karaoke thing.
I can't. I got to check in to the cotton candy booth.
Milton, that's where you are right now.
It's okay. You're better off not knowing.
We're closed. We're out of cocaine.
Go away.
Beat it.
Be careful in there. Lots of monsters, you know.
Be very careful.
All right, watch your step.
I'm going in, Sam.
Where did they go? I don't know!
I thought you had 'em!
I decided we should use blanks.
No one needs to get hurt by accident.
Well, it's just us now, kids.
Fellas,
it's been a real hell of a time planning a heist with you.
Can't think of two people I'd rather have done it with.
Hear. Hear.
Ditto.
Ladies and gentlemen...
This is an actual robbery.
Kiss the ground. Don't breathe.
Don't move. Don't touch the silent alarm
unless you like bullets flying around your head.
Hit the dirt, big guy!
Put that gun away.
Okay, folks, we'll be out of your lives in two minutes.
Get moving, Blue Eyes.
Here we go.
All tellers, please stand up and open your windows.
Ten seconds.
No dye packs, no tracers.
You got me, see? No tracers,
no dye packs, no funny business.
Yes, Mr. Sinatra.
Nobody's gonna get hurt.
20 seconds.
Thank you.
Here you go, ma'am.
No funny business. Do you know what that means?
I do. I do.
All of it, son.
30 seconds.
Give me everything you've got.
You can have her, mister.
40 seconds.
Hey! Stick to the plan.
All units, all units report to Williamsburg Savings Bank.
We have a robbery in progress. Repeat, we have a 10-30...
One minute!
I don't want to take your doll, sweetheart.
You know, when my granddaughter was your age,
she had one just like it.
What's her name?
Okay, honey. This man has a job to do.
His job's robbing banks?
No, sweetheart. Just trying to see my family more often.
Light-headed...
What's happening?
You okay, mister?
Going to need a little help.
He's going to need a little help.
Jesus Christ!
I'll get him.
Stay put.
Oh, my God!
Lucy!
His mask's too hot for him.
Thank you, sweetheart. Thank you.
I can't breathe when I wear masks, neither.
You're so sweet.
Two minutes.
What the hell's going on?
Can you make it out of here?
Yeah, I'm okay.
It's now or never, kid.
You stay in school, kiddo.
And don't rob banks, you hear me?
Come on!
Hurry!
This is my bank!
Are you crazy?
- Freeze! - Me freeze?
You don't tell me to freeze. You freeze!
I'm not going to be a victim anymore.
Tell them to freeze too.
They can hear you just fine.
What's the plan now?
I'm working on one.
Put your hands up
and drop the money.
Okay, in three seconds, I'm going to shoot you.
You're going to do what?
I'll shoot back!
That's your plan?
One!
Two!
Next number's three!
I can count.
He's going to bloody shoot us.
Three!
You're a shit shot, pal.
Now you're going to meet your maker.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Those were blanks, you dipshit.
Okay, folks. Count to 90 out loud and backward.
And don't stand up until you get there.
Start counting!
90, 89, 88, 87, 86...
Ah!
What's going on, Willie?
Nothing. I just got a little overwhelmed, that's all. I'm good.
That was a hell of a time for a panic attack!
I'm sorry.
No need for that. We made it.
Hard part's over.
Now's the time for the grand finale.
Taxi! Taxi!
All right.
Astoria, Queens, please.
He's not going to stop anytime soon.
He'll eventually pass out.
Gentlemen,
can I interest you in dessert?
What kind of pie do you have?
We have Key lime, vegan pumpkin, cherry-mango...
A slice of each.
And more champagne.
Yeah, more champagne.
Champagne it is.
Whoa, no more booze for you.
Steady there, lightweight.
It's not the booze.
What? Wait, it's not the booze?
Hey! Can you please call an ambulance? Please?
Where does it hurt, Willie?
Everywhere.
Oh, God.
Oh, shit.
Pull him up. It's wet.
Call an ambulance!
It just happened so quickly.
Zoom in.
Freeze frame there.
African-American?
Appears so.
Got to be at least late 60's.
Get stills of the others.
I want them plastered everywhere.
He never talked about this?
Not a peep.
He holds things very close to the vest.
He's very tight emotionally.
Well...
Willie's in full renal failure.
He needs a kidney transplant.
Or what?
Uh, let's just say, he won't leave here without one.
They must have been very young and nimble.
I fired a barrage of shots at them,
and they were able to evade all the bullets.
I've been on the job for a month now,
and the bank has been robbed twice.
So, I think I'm going to go back to my job as a barista,
where I'm less likely to be shot.
All I can say is, thank God for me!
It was a day of heroism for me.
Hey!
We're famous.
Better. We're infamous.
Keep it down. We're not out of the woods yet.
So, what's going on, Willie?
You don't come to us, you don't tell us you're sick.
We're your friends, man. We're all you got.
It's my business, guys.
Your business? Your business.
Talk to him, Joe. I can't... You're a selfish old bastard.
I don't get it, Will.
I would have given you my kidney last week.
Yours is probably no good.
I still would've given it to you.
We're friends, Willie.
We're supposed to look after each other, aren't we?
Well, let us do it. Okay?
The suspects are armed, dangerous,
and possibly in their late 60's or early 70's.
They were disguised as the Rat Pack,
Dean Martin, Frank Sinatra, and Sammy Davis Jr.
Let's get out of here.
The FBI has just released this surveillance video of the robbery.
If you have any information, please call the number on our screen.
I knew it. I knew when I saw that bank surveillance.
Same height, same weight.
A lot of people fit that bill.
Yeah, but who runs like that?
We're going to need a copy of this.
Got one right here. Uh-uh.
I believe there's a reward.
A reward?
Yeah. I need the money. My grandma got locked up last night.
You know how it is, right, brother?
- Annie. - Yeah.
I have to talk to you.
I lost this tooth last week.
Did the tooth fairy come?
He brought me five dollars.
Five... You're kidding.
You know the most I ever got was a quarter?
You can't buy anything with quarters anymore, Grandpa.
Tell me about it.
- Willie? - Huh?
These men are with the FBI.
The FBI?
Must be bringing me a kidney.
Strike three! You're out!
Way to go, kiddo.
Yes!
That's my girl!
Hey! I've got to go and find a bathroom.
All right, man.
That was awesome, Brook.
Well, here's what I think.
Old man finds himself in the middle of a bank robbery,
and he gets his juices flowing.
And he thinks to himself,
"I could rob a bank.
"I'm smart.
"I've got nothing to lose.
"What's the worst that can end up happening?
"I can end up spending the last years of my life
"in some country club style prison, rent-free."
You go to school for that?
Well, Mr. Garner,
we seem to be missing one hour of your existence.
Between 2:30 p.m. and 3:30 p.m.
The same hour that three elderly gentlemen
robbed 2.3 million dollars
from the Williamsburg Savings Bank.
Wow, that's some hefty payday.
You were working the haunted house ride between 2:00 p.m. and 4:00 p.m.?
That's what I said.
And you never left that ride?
Only to go inside. Scare the kids.
I got up, like I always do. 6:00 a.m.
I walked my granddaughter to school.
Like I do every day.
Well, it's a fairly new relationship, so we spend a lot of time together.
Let's see, first thing in the morning, we made love twice.
No.
Three times.
And that was it.
Annie Santori.
And then, we got up. I made pancakes...
And then, I got dressed.
Got dressed. Had breakfast at Nat's.
I go there...
Couple of times a week at least.
For years. He's a regular.
You seeing anybody?
I'm married with two kids.
Well, take my number. Things happen.
I got dressed.
I gathered the tickets for the ride booth.
I'm on that committee for the fundraiser.
All right, boys, good luck to us all.
Time to get in the bag.
Got to the park around 2:00 p.m.
Talked to my friend Paul for a few minutes,
then ran one of the ticket booths.
Hi, Tony.
Good afternoon.
I've got you a souvenir.
Oh, thanks, Joe. I needed a hat.
And that's where I was for most of the carnival.
You can ask anyone who bought a ticket.
They'll tell you they got it from a handsome old gent
in a gray flat cap.
Then we went to the fair,
and I was at the cotton candy stand till 2:00,
and then Mr. Milton Kupchak relieved me.
Al was there all day.
At 2:30 p.m.?
- Who? - Al?
Garner?
Yes.
He's here?
You know, in the cotton candy booth,
he tried to sell me cocaine.
And I'm prepared to testify.
Kids love the haunted house.
Frankenstein's one of their favorites.
Must have been in there over an hour.
Yes, I've had stomach issues for years from all the drinking I used to do.
It's called diverticulitis,
and the doctor says I should probably have a section of my colon removed.
I don't really like that idea.
So from 2:30 p.m. to 3:30 p.m., give or take,
you were
going to the bathroom?
Yes.
It's very tedious, but I keep reading material with me all the time.
Helps pass the time.
After that, I found my lady friend,
and we rehearsed our karaoke performance.
Then what happens?
Oh, my God!
Look out!
Would you mind washing this dirty laundry for me?
You got it.
Altogether, it was a lovely day at the carnival.
Hit me with your best shot.
Oh!
Wow! Pretty solid story, Mr. Harding.
The truth is easy to remember.
Yeah. It was almost perfect.
Except let me tell you a little something about criminals.
They always make one stupid mistake
that ends up screwing up the whole plan.
I'm going to need you to take a ride with me, Harding.
Okay, guys, let's go. Clear the gym. Official business.
Come on, man. What the hell?
Out the back door there.
All right. Folks, come up. Hurry up, let's go.
Let's go. Let's go.
Right over here. Line them up.
I want you to start with that man over there, okay?
Get a good look at his face.
I don't see him.
What?
He's not here.
Are you sure?
Yep. I'm positive.
I got a great memory.
Hey! You want to have another look?
Not really.
Can I go home now?
Yeah.
Oh,
I thought you might not be coming.
Well, here I am.
So, what's good here, Joey?
Nothing, really.
Why do you come?
I like bad coffee.
Yes. This I understand.
He has all his shots.
Rabies, distemper, Bordetella. He's been neutered.
All the papers are in the proper order.
You take your cut?
No. Not from you.
It is a culture's duty to take care of its elderly.
Where's the tattoo?
Henna, mi amigo.
Show the person with the worst eyes an image he can't forget.
The policía will be spinning around for years.
That looks like a gang tattoo to me.
If we can find this artist, then we can find our perp.
Very impressive.
Eh, it's a tragedy.
FBI. Behind you. Six o'clock.
Agent Hamer,
would you like a bad coffee?
I'm a soy latte man, Mr. Harding. I'm lactose intolerant.
You left that behind at evidence.
How did you find me?
Well, that's what I do.
I find people.
This is my friend, Jesus.
He fosters dogs.
Special Agent Hamer, FBI.
Jesus Garcia. Queens.
Are you adopting a puppy, Mr. Harding?
Yes, yeah. It's for my granddaughter.
She made the honor roll at school.
That's great.
I love puppies.
You mind?
Uh, he might be sleeping.
That's okay. I won't wake him.
Oh, good heavens, aren't you just the cutest little thing?
Let me get a look at you with your smushy face.
When I was just a kid,
I grew up with Border Collies.
Oh, now that's a great breed. I just love Border Collies.
Yeah, they're wonderful.
Yeah, come here, little guy.
He's a cute little fella.
Attaboy, come here. Come here, little fella.
Yeah, come over here.
Ah!
You little son of a bitch.
Oh, be careful there. He's teething.
Yeah.
You have to watch his little razor blades.
Thanks.
We don't want you to bleed to death.
I got to get this little guy back to the house
before my granddaughter gets out of school.
What a nice surprise for her.
It'll knock her socks off.
Do you have a dog now, Agent Hamer?
No. It's my job.
Long hours.
I couldn't do that to an animal.
All right. Let's get this little fella to his new home.
You boys are killing me with these quar...
Someone just dropped off this present.
Whoa!
Big piece.
Cut them up.
"Everyone deserves a piece of the pie."
Ow!
Sorry, Mr. Garner.
Thought you were tougher than that.
I'm not tough.
I'm a very sensitive person.
I'm going to be honest with you.
I don't really want to die today.
That's a new one.
But, if I do, I just want to say
that you've been a terrific roommate and friend for...
25 years.
25 years? It's been that long?
Seems like 25 days, doesn't it?
Yeah, it does.
Underwater.
Good one.
All right, gentlemen. Here we go.
They say in life...
Come here!
...if you're lucky, you get a couple of great friends.
The people who are right with you to the end.
You grow old together, see it all together, do it all together,
laugh and cry together.
Al Garner was one of those guys for me.
There will not be many men like him.
Willing to risk all for others.
Give you a kind word
or a kidney.
And complain about it every step of the way.
That's you.
That's not altogether true.
- Annie. - Yes.
He's your problem now.
Thanks.
Good luck. May you enjoy every minute of every moment you have.
We love you.
We love you too, young man.
Cheers! Cheers, everyone.
Cheers!
Let's give it up for the wedding party!
I'm gonna revise my estimate, Joey.
How's that?
I may be around another 20 years.
Not with Al's kidney.
That's 10 years, tops.
Close enough. I'll take it.
Here he comes.
What's the matter?
My face is killing me. I never had to smile so much in my life.
So? What's it like?
What's what like?
Being married, dummy.
I don't know how any of this happened.
I mean, I don't even remember proposing.
I mean, I feel like a raccoon caught in a bear trap with one leg stuck.
She's a terrific person.
I mean, she's sexy, we get it on.
She's a great cook.
She likes me the way I am.
I don't even like me the way I am.
Everything is terrific, but I got to tell you,
I'm experiencing this very odd feeling. I think it might be happiness.
Cheers! Your glass is officially full.
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